Episode 7 – Crazy, Stupid, Love

Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers have health, he shifts his shape, and wields a spear with great might Peely's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends, and listen close For the tale's about to start Hi everybody, my name's Sean O'Hara, I'm your Game Master.

Welcome to Spout Lore, colon, a podcast. I'm your Game Master Sean O'Hara, which I definitely already said, and joining me as always playing Fat Billy the Halfling Thief Jessica Tai Hello! Eating, mouth full of something, and joining me also is playing Tacoma Dome the Barbarian Abdulaziz Who's the Game Master though? It's your friend Sean O'Hara Okay Yeah, and playing Bing the Half-Elf Druid Paul Op-ers Wow, we got a real punchy crew today What's up Sean?

I'm just kicking it man When last we left our heroes, they had an encounter with Hi Sean Hi Abdul, how are you doing?

He's not looking at me He's not even engaging An encounter with the Sorry, there's a delay in the satellite We're doing this via correspondence Abdul's on the ground in Abu Dhabi Reporting on, I don't know, the satellite The production of Sex and the City movie 3 When last we left our heroes Yeah, I am in Abu Dhabi It's great here That's enough When last we left our heroes, they had an encounter with the succubus Allison A figure from Tuck's past And I'm really not sure when Abdul's gonna interrupt me But I know he's going to I'm preparing for it Such a carry Allison, as in her, uh, you're killing me I'm looking at you and I keep seeing you breathe in To interrupt and I know it's gonna happen Allison the succubus Seemingly It has been a star-studded couple of weeks Sean Let me tell you, seeing the four back together, it's been amazing Alright, that's enough More?

It's incredible From Sex and the City Anyways, uh What we, when the, Allison the succubus Seemingly almost accidentally but probably not fully Accidentally set off a bar fight in the beached whale Forcing Tacoma Dome, Ving the Druid, and Fat Billy to come to Tuck's aid as they fought off a small gang that called themselves the Crystal Bay Pirates And it went pretty bad Tuck is pretty hurt Billy killed a person And Ving shape-shifted for the first time in months Into a horrid polar bear, snake, winged, horned monster Chimera Awful And Allison revealed to the party That she has been unable to leave Crystal Bay due to the Sheer amount of potential food sources She's been unable to overcome that urge And the coronet she believes is a trap laid by a Macaulayn religious group called the Light Guard Who were responsible for her banishment years ago And may be tracking her and other subjects Right now And she's just asked us to help her kill the Light Guard Yeah she's asked for your help in defending her by killing the members of the Light Guard That have come or are coming to Crystal Bay They're gonna kill me Tacoma For good You want me to fight off a religious organization I don't even know You're asking me to defend monsters Against the religion of the flame I don't even know It sounds like you're asking us to fight the good guys Think about it from my point of view They killed me They've killed many of my friends and loved ones throughout the years And they will continue to do so until someone stops them Who's they?

The Light Guard Oh Yeah Billy doesn't know any of this Yeah I don't know any of this So I guess I kinda need to bring these guys up to speed On what we're dealing with here What we're dealing with You do it with pictures?

The Light Guard are an order of holy warriors from McCall Who are charged with killing demons And I point at Allison And she bows And they're coming here to kill all of the succubi that they've trapped in Crystal Bay it sounds like Whether by accident or design yes that seems to be the case Is it all just succubi or just anything from the outer dark?

I'm pretty sure I've run into one or two other succubi And that alone is pretty sure And that alone is pretty sure That's shocking And you want us to help you because you're not evil? Well no I'm just You're trying to convince us of that? I'm like any of you would you want to be condemned for eating?

Oh my god no That really worked Yeah she totally found Billy's butt That's okay yes Billy you understand all I need to eat I need to feed or I will starve Yeah I get it He's crying for real Billy starts crying actually I gotta help you I gotta save you See I think Billy and I are in agreement And something tells me that maybe you have a little experience with this to begin with What are you what? And she reaches up and she grabs your amulet What about these?

The what what She pops it open There's a lot of stuff in the amulet now Yeah there's a lot of horses She pops it open a lot of shit falls out It's like there's a picture of Ving's wife there's a picture of a horse and a lady Right right right There's also two obsidian coins in there She's Thane's wife So she So they all clink to the sand So she all yeah she opens it a bunch of stuff falls onto the sand like there's a little drawing of a lady There's a horse and she picks up one of the obsidian coins she says then why do you have this?

I found it in a traveler's shrine She closes her eyes a little bit and just sighs It's like of course So this was an accident Yeah most things are Ving's like dee lee lee lee lee lee lee with his crystal fingers So she holds up the obsidian coins she's like these are symbols used to recognize members of the dark guard You're familiar with the dark guard Tacoma Yeah but the dark guard are just a story about the warriors on the other side in the outer dark We should probably roll for this Okay can I Spout Lore about the dark guard?

Yeah yeah for sure Bye Ah plus intelligence? Yep Bye And two people cannot aid him? No they cannot Can we not get two people aiding? No we absolutely can't What about one succubus? We absolutely can't So what is this move gonna be? Like I've only heard stories about the dark guard The dark guard are a myth from the book of the flame Mmhmm Right?

Okay so maybe you just don't believe her Yeah Yeah so you're like no that's a story Yeah the book of the flame is like a binary like belief system So there's always a reflection to everything that they say exists So the only reason why the dark guard exists is because the light guard exists in the book It's a metaphor It's a metaphor for like the bad parts of people She closes her hand over the coins and she goes well I suppose if you found these accidentally They might as well be a story at this point and she slides them into like a pocket on her dress Her dress has pockets Hey no those are mine I'm sure you don't need these Need doesn't even enter into it Are you gonna help me or not?

What do you guys think? I say yes cause I I understand what it means to be persecuted just cause you're hungry And no one's here to help Allison Like if people just listened they would know that they were hungry too Billy when was the last time you were persecuted for eating? Also when did you learn that word?

I don't know Billy you look hungry I ate an hour ago Not even an hour ago like it's probably been 30 minutes since the fight started Billy doesn't know Yeah exactly So it's at this point that the Crystal Bay pirate that you dragged out of the bar starts to groan He's like what'd you do to me? And they start getting up what do you do?

Not as much as we can do to you if you start being a son of a bitch I don't I'm gonna go I'm outta here let go of me He's starting to run so you're gonna have to like make a roll Leg sweep I trip him 2d6 plus dexterity 9 Can I aid? Oh yeah you can aid if you aid it'll be a 10 if you succeed yeah that'd be great Yeah Maybe I'll use better dice Nope that one I used this one Yeah nice That was not a roll That was a roll I put the dice down And did the dice move?

Yes Barely Okay fine I'll do it again 6, 8 Okay great there we go So it makes it a 10 so the guy gets up I sweep the leg and Tuck catches him in midair Yeah I catch him by his neck Oh just his full on neck Yeah So you trip and he Ving sweeps his leg and you just grab the back of his neck Yeah And he's hanging there by his neck And I look at Allison and I'm like sometimes I'm pretty impressive She rolls her eyes I look at her and I'm holding this guy and I'm gesturing still normally As if I didn't have anything in my hands Like you're holding a cucumber Yeah exactly and I was like look and I I gesture towards her And he's like bleh And I'm like we can't just let you stay here and get slaughtered We'll help you get out of town But I'm a monster Yeah Ving's like we are all monsters in our own way Okay what's your plan with him?

So I look at the guy and I'm like hey we need To talk to the boss We need to talk to the boss we need to find a way out of town He's like I never I'm never gonna work with you And he's kicking his legs around I grab his legs So Billy jumps up and grabs his legs Sure Give me a defy danger strength Seven Okay so you grab you just jump up and grab his legs I grab his legs and make hey shut the fuck up And listen And he's kicking his legs around and he kicks and breaks something in your backpack What the fuck Yeah so what is it It's one of my bottles of tag it Oh so he breaks one of your doses of oil of tag it And you feel the oil like seeping through your backpack I drop it okay or not No it's this is a seven to nine so this is like a soft move but like what do you do I drop it onto the ground but before I do that I wipe it on his leg his foot Okay you gotta give me a roll for that Five fuck five Two to six plus dexterity Yeah ten There it is okay so you are able to like get your backpack off while you're still holding on to him Yeah one solid swing and down the oil goes So you get the backpack off and you smush it on his body And he's starting to fall asleep now Oh well fuck Sorry He's like you never This stuff's pretty good and he's like his eyes are fluttering Uh Yeah I mean we can deal with this guy later it's just I mean we have him Yeah But we okay Put him down and I'll tie him up Okay Do you have a rope Yeah I do Okay sick alright yeah so you tie him up with the rope And Allison is like okay so you're gonna help me Yeah we'll get you out of town and then we'll deal with the light guard Works for me We'll try and figure out what the fuck is going on Cause trapping a bunch of like people in what is essentially a killing cage doesn't sound like something they would do Mmhmm So we'll just help you get out of the cage Okay I look forward to you finding a solution Okay Where to We should probably talk to Perel Alright and we can cut back to the emerald to your penthouse suite and Perel and Mears are just living it up in here They've got room service they've got bathrobes on There's like all the fancy candles are burning there's like there's like scented oil in the lanterns it's so nice in here Stinks in here Holy fuck yeah Fuck you guys It's a lot and they're just laughing like school girls They got pedicures together like Yeah they went down to the spa they're just having a day Um well I'm gonna open a window you guys cause it reeks No no no don't these are Okay Yeah it smells like a bunch like a panusian nightclub in here Ugh Well you know what maybe some people like that Who's this This is Allison Allison From the song Oh Oh What's why's she here isn't she and Perel stands up any kind of like Uh clenches his fists she's like isn't she a succubus Yeah she is Why would you bring her here Cause she needs our help Oh okay great reason to bring a demon into a two bedroom hotel Hey she's being prosecuted Persecuted She's being persecuted for wanting to eat can you not imagine Mears can you imagine so innocent Mears is eyes wide looking at Allison swearing Allison sweating like he's just so sweaty now he's like um Remember what we told you about Perel we need your trust And Mears just gets up off the bed and goes into the other room Why are you so sweaty hey Nothing and he leaves and he closes the door and he's just like you hear him go like Ah ah He might be masturbating in there I'm not I'm stressed out Okay he might be masturbating I'm not Yeah his body's gonna throw a lot of shit we're explaining this to Allison he's like he's a teenager His body's gonna throw a lot of changes Oh I don't wanna have to be here for this She nods at Perel and this is This is Perel he's a misunderstood being like yourself Oh really Yes he's a wizard Oh really Um Oh Interesting Or is he We don't know He's a computer wiz Yeah he is amazing he's amazing at getting back into emails And um He's so good at it Is someone genuinely trying to lie to Allison Yeah No Well either way Perel's like no you heard right I'm a wizard He's Plus his Yeah His coat and his crock He's wearing a kimono basically Yeah totally it's really high up on his thighs so he's like so watch your step creature Or I'll send you back to the outer dark where you belong His the towel he's wearing on his head flops down So watch your step He's trying to blow it and put it back in his mouth And then he takes it off and he's bald underneath Yeah Watch your step creature or I'll send you back to the outer dark where you belong I don't think that'll be necessary And Allison goes and sits on the edge of the bed Careful don't let her cross her legs Yeah I know I was just imagining her sitting on the edge of the bed I was like pretty hot Yeah Thing just flings a sheet over her Yeah I'm Tuck is like you know what this is pretty distracting can we get you to sit on the edge of the bed?

Yeah I'm Tuck is like you know what this is pretty distracting can we get you to sit on the edge of the bed? Can we get you to sit on the edge of the bed?

I could wear a robe I suppose Yeah let's put you in a robe Okay she comes out the robes are pretty short Oh my God She's like this is the only size they had left Oh my God Okay let's get you a second robe And she ties it around her waist Yeah Okay Billie ties a robe around her waist Is this really necessary Yes It is I could always stay somewhere else I thought we were just talking Yeah we are talking but it's really hard to focus Hold on Hold on Hold on I'm going to discern realities for one of those connector bedrooms.

Oh, you don't have to discern realities for that. Okay. So it's like there's just doors, right? Okay, I start opening all the doors. There is a locked door. There's your room, but then there's a door on the other wall that is locked. A knock on the door. No answer. Okay, I unlock it. So that's Tricks of the Trade, 2D6 plus dexterity. Whoa. 12? Damn. Billy fucking works this lock. I take that needle out. I give it a lick. And here we go. Tingling into the lock.

This is literally what Billy's saying. Yeah. Tingling, lingling into the lock. Here we go. It's been a while since I did this clickety clack. And like surprisingly fast. It's like, just he opens the lock. Wow, it's really nice in here. Yeah, it's like an additional penthouse suite. So it's just like a bigger. It's bigger than the room. That you guys are in. It kind of makes our room look like a piece of shit. Yeah, it does. Actually, it looks kind of dusty.

Like maybe it's been like the curtains are closed and there's like a sheet, another sheet over the bed. Like maybe it's been closed for a while. Allison, this is your room now. And you're going to have a lot of time to make a new outfit that covers your body. A big room all for me. Look at this comfortable bed. And she like does that thing where she puts her hands, like slides her hands back and leans back on the bed. Whoa. Easy, big fella.

You were being in Tacoma, like watching it wide-eyed and Billy just slams the door shut. Stop. They both like lean over. I can lock it if it's easier. I think it locks from the other side. Oh, yeah. Allison, you might want to lock it. Give me that needle. No, I put it back in my hair. You'll never find it. Perel is like disappointed. It's like, ugh. What? What? She's so hot. Such base desire. So disappointing from the two of you. Tacoma, frankly, I would expect this of. But you, Ving?

She is walking in between many worlds. I know what that's like. What does that mean? What the fuck is wrong with you? It's an excuse. So why did you agree to help, of all things, a succubus? First, we have a history. Yes, Allison, I've heard the song. Yeah. And second. She says that the light guard. Do you know what the light guard is? I've heard of them. She says that they're responsible for the extended coronet.

And it's actually drawing a lot of creatures of the outer dark to Crystal Bay and keeping them here. The light guard. So that they apparently want to slaughter them. The light guard is responsible for a celestial event. Yeah. How, pray tell, would they achieve that? By guarding the light? I don't fucking know. What do you mean? Yeah. Don't you know everything? Like, as if we fucking know. God. Well, I know that a wizard could possibly stop a celestial body's orbit. Maybe not me, but a wizard.

A real wizard. Hmm. Okay. Maybe any other wizards in the room care to raise their hands? I raise my hand. Oh, really? Put your hand down. You're an apprentice at best. You wish. Anyways. Anyways. I would be very, very surprised if the light guard were responsible for the ceasing of the coronet's orbit. And the ceasing of the sunset. How long did she… Do we have any idea how long it's been like this? It's like… It said weeks. Yeah. 16 days? Weeks. 17 days? Well, that's unusual. Mm-hmm.

So maybe she's not lying. Like, maybe she's telling the truth and there is a problem here. Maybe. There's definitely something going on. Oh, well, you don't say. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Why does Venus cease to rise or fall? Why are you so grumpy at us? I'm just agitated. I'm sorry. We were having a nice night. You bring a succubus into our hotel room. She's in her own room. She's not making any sounds.

But we do hear, like, moaning. I don't even want to know what that is. Oh, my God. Wait. What's that? A vibration sound? Oh, it's a vibrator. It's like, you know what? Maybe I should go just check. No. No. No.

That she's okay no no tuck don't I'll check don't worry about it I get in the way and I'm like leave her be she's had a long day and you guys are being really weird and put some pants on or something because I've been looking at that thing all day I took it back up into my waistband oh my god yeah tacoma don't make me turn that door to stone or some such say to bring two is that just me bing same goes for you yes you're gonna turn the door into a frog I got you so she needs help she needs to get out of crystal bay and she can't just leave she said that like something about the coronet keeps drawing her back well that is fascinating hey you guys the pirates waking up what's going on where am I now hey what slap him oh this is a warning if you apologize to the pirates you will be punished for what you did to the pirates open your mouth and you scream I'll do it again and this time it will hurt a lot more I'm not gonna listen to some stupid little kid hey slap stop slapping me shut up just shut your lips are you trying to threaten him yeah so you gotta roll something for that charisma I guess 2d6 plus charisma to buy danger whoa uh two three so he starts yelling what he's like somebody get me out of here kid kidnap me I've been poisoned over and over again somebody do something and he starts running to the door what do you guys do what do you mean running he's tied up yeah oh right he gets up and he forgets and he falls right on the ground but he's like they've tied me up a sock yeah uh grab a towel off the floor I think mirrors used it earlier oh no it's crunchy I put it in his mouth oh my god is that too gross no that's pretty funny pretty funny and he's been quieted for now but at the door you hear yes hello it's rebecca concierge we're good we heard screaming yeah you would have we heard somebody screaming for help um yeah hold hold on and then uh I I think we should do a thing where we bring allison back into the room and we get allison to open the door oh yeah okay yeah all right so you open the door to allison's room yeah yeah and we're like you need to fucking deal with this why don't you come in here I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry that was accident where was she pointing I'm just it's been you pointed into her vagina oh my god sorry it's just been I'm I'm just riding high I'm so sorry okay what's up what's up uh the concierge is at the door he heard a bunch of screaming we need you to pretend it was sex screaming okay can do let's see oh let me just one second and she takes a few seconds to go back up and go Okay, can do.

Let's see. Oh, let me just one second. And she takes the robe off. Okay. She's wearing the dress underneath. Okay. She's wearing the dress underneath. We see her go to take the robe off and we… Are like… And she's wearing the red dress underneath. Okay. Just give me one moment. Okay, everybody, get out of view. Come on. Okay. And Bing and I get into the closet together. And she opens the door and you can't… Like, Billy, are you out there? Like, are you watching? I'm hiding behind the door.

Okay, yeah. So nobody… Immediately behind it, like with a knife. Yeah. I'm gonna fucking kill this guy. She's… Billy's on his break too. I have the dude wrapped up still, like, hand on his mouth. Well, Billy's like as big as his head. Yeah, exactly. So I'm wrapped around his head, knife in his face, and I'm like giving him the eye, threatening eye. So Allison opens the door and you hear Rebecca go, Oh, hello. Hi there. I'm so sorry for the noise. He's like, it's… It's not quite all right.

It's just a little startling. I assure you, no one in here is having any worse of a time than they agreed to have when they entered. He's like, very, very, very, very well. And Bing and I are whispering to each other in our closet. Yeah, you can barely hear what's going on. It's like muffled. Yeah, we're having a conversation where it's just like, she's so hot, I think I'm gonna have a fucking aneurysm. I just, I don't know. Why? But I can't stop thinking about her.

It feels like I've been bit by a porn scorpion. It's like her vagina's a black hole and I, my penis is light and I've already crossed the event horizon. Wait, so you've already had sex with her? No, but I'm heading there quick. And there's nothing I can do to turn back. And it's really long and stretched out. I know, it feels like it's inevitable. I don't understand. We cut back.

She's like, so I hope that you can understand that we might be here for a little bit longer and I hope we don't have any. And there's a pause and you hear Rebecca go, any undue intrusions? He's like, no, of course not. Of course not, my dad. Of course not. The doors are rattling. And then we'll cut to whatever you guys are doing. It feels like I'm going crazy. I'm barely, I'm barely holding it together. This is your fault. I know.

I feel like maybe I just agreed to help her because I wanted to fuck her again. No, no, no. Okay, there's a bigger story here. There's a bigger story here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you hear, he's gone. Okay. You can come out now. We're going to need like five minutes. A little memento, por favor. And Allison takes the do not disturb sign off and puts it back on the handle outside. Well, that should be taken care of. All right. Hey, butt pirate. We're going to go sit over here.

I just like lean him against a plant. Yeah, he's not comfortable. Good. I'm like, you're going to scream? You're going to say stuff? Well, who else wants to talk to this guy? He doesn't like me very much. You guys? Yeah, we come out of the closet and we're both wearing like just really thick pants. Jesus. We have alchemy books over our crotches. Wonderful. Oh my God, you guys.

And we also made a deal with one another that if it looked like one of us were getting too into Allison, we would stab each other. Whoa. All right. Gentle. Yeah, gently. Gentle stab. Yeah. Cool. Yeah. All right. Cool. So should I go back to my room now? Actually, you might be able to help us interrogate this guy. Oh. Oh, I've never interrogated anyone before. You should suck your best powers for getting more than sex out. Yeah. Can you suck information out of him instead of the jizz?

That you usually. Like you would know. Hey, I'm getting there eventually. Okay. Whatever you say, big guy. Big high fives him. Yeah. And. Bing stabs me. And I'm like, ah, thanks. Just a gentle. Just in out. Just a crystal. Thank you. Thank you. Boop. Could you move him onto the bed, please? Done. She takes the towel out of his mouth and he's like, ah. And she puts a hand right on his cheek and his eyes just like glass over. He's like, oh, hey, pretty lady. What are you doing?

What questions are you hoping to get out of this dude? What we're trying to do is we're trying to get a meeting with the head of the butt pirate clan. The Crystal Bay Pirates. Yeah. Yeah. The Crystal Bay Pirates. Yeah. And try and make a deal to like get Allison out of town. Mm hmm. I want to know if you've heard anything about the light guard. It's like, what are you talking about? I don't know anything about that. I'm a strong arm. I beat people up. I collect protection money.

What else do you do? Occasionally I get tea for people. Who do you give your money to? Well, we give our money to the boss. Who's the boss? What's a good name for a mob boss? The first name that I was like, what's a crystal name? The first name that came to my head was Ruby Tuesday. Ruby Tuesday. Yeah. That's perfect. Are we allowed to? Yeah. I mean, sure. I guess. I think Ruby Tuesday is pretty funny. Yeah. And we're only going to refer to her as Ruby.

We've already got a character named Sweet Caroline. That's a music reference. Yeah. Ruby Tunes Day. Ruby Tunes Day. Like a tune bug. Yeah. We give our money to the boss. Ruby Tunes Day. What else do you want to know? Where Ruby is. Oh. Where Ruby is. I really shouldn't be telling you any of that. Where Ruby is. Okay. Ruby is in the caves to the west of town. You go down the beach like half a mile. There's a cave opening near a big crystal pillar that's coming out of the water. And it's in there.

That is where we do our stuff. Do you guys accept visitors? No. We're a gang. Why would we accept visitors into our lair? Because it's for your benefit. Yeah. My benefit? What does that mean? Here's what we're thinking. We're going to let you go. Oh. Hey. You're going to go back to your lair and tell Ruby that we're coming. And we have a proposition for her. Okay. Yeah. Sure. What's in it for her? 333 gold. 329 gold. What did you spend the last? Bing's eating a hoagie. Okay.

Let's just say 300 gold. Okay. Because we might need some walking around money. We say that out loud to each other. 300 gold. 300 gold. Yeah. 300 gold. Maybe. Let's go back and say like 200 gold. No. You already said 300 gold. Okay. That's a proposition that I think she could agree with. Well, how about this? 200 gold. Yeah. How about 200 gold and we'll give you two gold? No. Hold. Now, you said 300 gold and now you're trying to talk me down. Yeah. But you get a cut of it. Absolutely not. Okay.

200 gold, but you get 50. You're going backwards. I know, but you get 50. Oh, yeah. I'm going to take a cut of a bribe to my boss. You take more than a cut, you son of a bitch. Well, he's holding like his claws in front of his face. How about 200 gold and you get the rest of the hoagie that is not totally. Bing shoots Tucker and look like, this thing's fucking delicious. It's shrimp po' boy. I mean, he's down for 300 gold. But now you're trying to convince him for something else. I know.

I think we just fucked up. 300 gold and I will take your message to Ruby. Okay, you guys. Is it worth it? 300 gold to keep like a bunch of innocent people from dying. Fine. Yeah. Okay. 300 gold. Tell her that there's 300 gold in it for we meet. That's a hefty price. That's a lot. Yeah. I know. That's like that. That is, I will say, as Sean O'Hara, like an un. I don't know. I don't know. That's a real amount of money. I don't usually do the negotiations. Billy usually does. Yeah. True.

I fucked up. Okay. How much money do we have? All of it. We'll give you all. Yeah. That's a ton of fucking cash. I have an idea, but I don't say it. I just look with my eyes at you guys, at the rest of the guys. Okay. So he's like, are you going to give me the whole 300 right now? No, we're not going to give you fucking any right now. Okay. Go tell her that we want to meet with her. Deal's 300. Okay. Alright, you let me go. I'll do that. Okay. Okay. And we cut him loose. Bye-bye.

And he like moonwalks out of the room. Yeah, but he has an erection too. Yeah, he kind of does. He's hiding it, but he moonwalks out of the room. That's why he moonwalks is he's trying to hide his erection. So he doesn't turn to the side so you don't see it. You don't see the profile. Well, I don't see it because it's so small. And he glares at Billy as he moonwalks out of the room. Are you just waiting now? What's Billy's plan? I didn't really have one.

I just thought that if we meet her and then we just don't give her money. Oh, yeah. We could maybe just try and fuck her over. Yeah, I think that's a good plan. Yeah. Perel is there, I guess. And he's like, well, why don't we just follow him now? Oh, yeah. Good idea. Cool. You guys, that wasn't part of your plan? No. Yes. No. Yeah. Yeah, totally. That's what we were thinking. So you just offered him an unbelievable amount of money earnestly? Yes. Holy shit. Allison, go wait in the other room.

If I must. I will say, I'm getting a little peckish. Oh, Rebecca. Ding, ding, ding. Ring the bell for the concierge. Okay. And the concierge shows up. Yes? Would you mind freshening our towels in the other room, please? And he's like, oh, yes, of course. You need more towels? Yeah, in the bathroom there. Okay, great. Yeah, just a second. And he goes in and grabs a couple towels. And we close the door behind him. And who comes out of the shower? Allison? Yeah. What's going on here?

I thought she said she was hungry. Yeah, so we put her in there. Oh, my God. We're feeding her. All right. But we're like, you can only eat enough to make him sad for like a couple days. Yeah, just a snack. A few inches. Okay. I'll catch up with you all later. Okay. What? Oh, I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna see if he's gonna take me to dinner. And then we'll see how it goes. No, just fuck him now. Just do it fast. Just do it fast.

I'm not, it's not a switch that can, not everybody just has a switch that you flip that instantly makes you ready for sex. Tacoma. I'm getting tired of this. Billy notes this. Taps his forehead. Memorize it. You go. I'll deal with this and I'll meet you later. Gross. All right. Let's go, guys. Okay, yeah, let's go. We're leaving Mears and Perel there? Or are they coming? Oh, no. Mears is like, Mears bursts out of the other room and is like, I'm coming. Okay. And Perel comes with you guys.

I need you. Yeah. Yeah. Perel's like, oh, yeah, no, I'm not staying here. Are you kidding me? I know Tuck needs to rest to, like, reboot. Is there, like, some kind of potion I can Don't I have a healing? You do. Let me just real quick look at that. Do you have any poultice? Yeah, I have poultice. But that's not gonna boost you back all the way up. Yeah. It'll get me close enough. Give me, give me. But I'm not close to death. Just a sec.

There's an actual move for this that we haven't really used. So, as you're, like, leaving the hotel, like, fuck, I'm so fucked up. Yeah. I need to rest or something like that. You hear somebody going like, step up, step up, the newest libation from the Firefield's principality. Heals broken bones, knits nasty wounds. Step up, step up, try it. How much?

You go up to the stand and there's a guy in, like, a top hat, like, a bow tie, and he's yelling at people, and he's at a little stand, and it says, uh, Winewood healing libations, and elixirs. Oh, Winewood from the lake. I go to the guy, I'm like, did you get this from Pinewood? We certainly did, the famous Wine Lake of Winewood. Now it's a, an incredible libation, a miracle elixir. Okay, well, yeah, uh, how much for one? One, one, what, glass? Bottle? A bottle. Let's take a bottle. A bottle?

Twenty coins. Twenty coins. I'll give you ten. Twenty coins, sir. This is not a negotiation game. You could not negotiate with miracles. And he twirls his mustache, and he wiggles his fingers in front of your face when he says, miracles. Well, I was gonna just steal it while he's busy, like, negotiating. Yeah, try and steal it. Okay. Twenty's a lot, but the rest were gold. It is. And also, we fucking made it. Yeah. So I'm, I'm talking to the guy, I'm like, twenty coins seems like a lot.

And Billy's doing, what, tricks of the trade, I guess? Yeah, with dexterity. Yeah, two to six plus dexterity. Yeah, I get ten. Shit. Okay, so you've, there's just, like, like, are you, so… I, there's, like, he's, the tent is, like, a table and, you know, a good old craft market kind of set up, and I just slip under the tablecloth, and there's boxes and crates under it, so I grab two. Okay. I've clocked that Billy stole a bunch of them. Yeah, you see Billy coming out from under the tablecloth.

Sir, this is, uh, this is nothing short of pure magic. Do you have a sample? It is a, oh, yes, certainly. And he hands you, like, a little tiny cup. To talk. Oh, yeah, I take it. You heal one experience point. Okay. And you feel, like, a tingle run through your body. And it tastes like lake water. It tastes bad. Well, this tastes like shit. I don't want it. Do you not feel the magic coursing through your very veins? No, this tastes like shit. I don't care. Fuck you. Oh, well, sir, you will…

I grab another sample I drank. Sir! And I'm like, fuck you. You heal another experience point. And then you hear him continue his bark as you leave. Step up, step up. There you go, man. Thank you. You're welcome. And I clink. I clink with Billy. Clink. And I drink it. I drink a little bit to fill her up and I pass it to Ving. Yeah, I take a shot. Let's all fill up. I drink a bottle. Okay, so that's probably… I'm gonna say each bottle of wine wood is, like… Twenty.

It's kind of two healing potions. It's, like, two doses of healing. Yeah, because one heals ten damage. Oh, cool. Oh. Yeah, so, but you have to drink a whole bottle of wine to heal twenty points, which is a huge amount. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah. So all of… I'm back to full HP. Okay, yeah. That's exactly the amount that I need. Five? Yeah, let's do five. So you guys basically share a dose, so you have one dose left. I'll put the half bottle of wine back in my bag. Nice.

Billy, you're feeling a little buzzed. Yeah. Ving, you're feeling a little buzzed. Tuck, you're feeling pretty drunk. What? You drank a whole bottle of wine. It's still wine. Oh, I don't get drunk that easy, though. Alright, roll me a 2d6 plus constitution. My constitution's plus three now. Let's see what happens. Seven, eight, nine, ten. Okay. You don't get drunk. Yeah. Like, this shit sucks. Fuck you. And I throw it at the side of a building. I throw the empty bottle at the side of a building.

People scatter as it smashes against the building. It's kind of a drunk move. Yeah. He doesn't feel drunk, but he is drunk. So we're charged up and ready to fight, potentially. Yeah. And you realize that this pirate has walked away. Oh. Well, he told us where to go. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. He did. He did spill the beans. To the beans! Yeah, let's go to the beans. So you head through town, through the market.

You see the DeSom Creek Theater Society are putting on a show and people are really just loving it. They're eating it up. Oh, man. I really want to see that one. Can we hear a little bit of what's going on? Yeah. Okay. Fuck. I don't even know why I set this up if I didn't think you were going to ask me about it. Okay, so what's happening? Maybe this is the one where DeSom's dad dies. Okay, yeah. He gets killed by ice cream. By ice cream? You don't remember that episode of Dawson's Creek?

Never saw it. No. Oh, it was really funny. Phil Lord and Chris Miller said it was the inspiration for the Ponce de Leon episode of Clone High. That's incredible. So, yeah, so there's like a pretty, like, handsome young blonde man standing on the stage and he's, um, you hear he's throwing, like, little rocks onto the stage and you hear him going, sploosh, sploosh, and you understand he's supposed to be throwing rocks into a creek. He's making the sploosh noises.

Yeah, the guy's going, sploosh, sploosh. And you can hear the rocks just going, sploosh. And there's people near the side of the stage that are, like, moving out of the way. But somebody's, like, picking up the rocks, like, yeah. And he's like, man, I just can't handle my dad anymore. And, uh, another guy with, like, brown hair comes up and he's like, what's up, DeSom? You look… Look down. He's like, it's my dad, Percival.

He's come back into my life and now he wants me to be the perfect son and I don't think that I can be. He's like, you don't have to be the perfect son. Uh, and he puts his hand on his shoulder and he's like, you just have to be the son that you want to be inside of you, DeSom. And the audience goes, aww. And they're clearly stretching it out because someone has missed their cue.

Yeah, you can see somebody on the side of the stage, you can see Jaunter on the side of the stage going, doing that stretch it out motion where it looks like he's pulling taffy. He's like, stretch it out, stretch it out. So they're like, DeSom, wow, the creek is so beautiful at night because now instead of having a script, they have to improvise. And DeSom's like, sploosh. Yes. No, they both do it. Percival goes, yes, and DeSom goes, sploosh.

But they're interrupting each other and they're like, uh, um, uh, yeah. And then it's like they keep throwing rocks and it's like a minute of sploosh. Sploosh. And then they run out of rocks. Just mime it. Just mime it. Sploosh. And they're like, okay, he skips one. And they sploosh, sploosh, sploosh, sploosh, sploosh. And then he's like, okay, you're good. And they go off stage. They go like, they bow and they sidle off the stage and everybody claps.

And then an older middle-aged man wearing like the bottom half of a horse costume like trots across the stage and he's got a big like a skewer of meat in his hands and he's riding and he's like, I love my son so much. I'm so proud of him. I was wrong. And then he drops the meat skewer and he goes, whoops. Well, I better stop and get that. And then he reaches down with the horse costume on. And then dragon. Yeah. Someone in a dragon costume flies by. And throws a bunch of red tissues at him.

And he goes, and the audience is like, no. Oh, and you guys have walked by at this point. Yeah. Yeah. It does. People are wrapped. Yeah. Billy's in tears, but he's wiping them away. That was so emotional. Have you seen any episodes of DeSom's Creek? No, I haven't. And you make your way through the square and through some like bungalows and single family homes and stuff to the beach. And you see in the distance a figure walking down the beach alone. It's him. It's the butt pirate.

Let's follow him. And it's really easy because he's leaving footprints that he's doing nothing about. Sometimes there are two sets of footprints, but that's when Jesus carried him. You follow him for a while and you do see his little far off figure of him dip into the caves. That's the caves. Let's go in. You're just going in the caves? Yeah, wait, wait. You can see that there are two other people standing just inside the mouth of the cave. Can we try and stealth kill?

Or not kill, but like incapacitate? Yeah. Billy's good at Billy has moves about like stealth and about like surprising people. I could try disguise. Yep. You could. As what? One of them. Okay. Yeah. Could you disguise yourself as like a Crystal Bay pirate? Yeah. I'm a new recruit. Yeah. What is the outfit look like? Okay. I grabbed the blanket. What am I wearing? What if it's not an outfit? Like you just take your shirt off and you draw the tattoo on your chest. Yeah, that's what I do. Nice.

Yep. That's good. I still have those like charcoals in my backpack. So I draw my best drawing on my chest and I wear my I kind of flip my shirt around so it looks like like Aladdin vest. Okay. Okay, guys. Wish me luck. And I bye. And we're gonna sneak up on the sides to like be like yeah, totally. Okay. And you Billy you walk up to the mouth of the cave and you see two people step out. They both have the tattoo on like their forearms like the purple skull and they have a little lantern.

And they have their hands on their weapons and like who's that? Oh, it's just me Billy. Who's Billy? I'm the new one. I don't know any Billy. That's because I'm new. Duh. How's it going? It's going all right. Yeah. Now it's a little tense. Well, it's just because you guys got weird about it. And then at that point in time, Ving and I run up and then just do the older brother bully move where we push them both into the ground. And then as they try and get up, we like fucking smack their face.

His face is so hard. You gotta roll for this. Just like from off screen, you just hear like and then just like Okay. Give me like a defy danger dexterity to sneak up on them first. Nine. I got eight. Okay. Partial successes. They look right before we get there. Yeah. They look right at you and they go and they start pulling their weapons out and you just push them right down onto the ground. And yeah, that's the that's the seven to nine is they're not knocked out. They both try and get back up.

So yeah, we just try and smack them in the face as hard as we can while they're on the ground. Just like a one. And I step on his sword and push it into the sand. So hack and slash from both of you to six plus strength. Eleven. Jesus Christ. Nine. Jesus fucking Christ. Okay. Roll your damage. I assume you're not trying to kill them. No, I'm just trying to knock them out with a really hard smack. One. Four. Tuck knocks his right out. That makes sense.

But he does get stabbed in the foot and Vings is still awake but hurt and is struggling and trying to get up and draw their sword. Yeah. I push him into the ground again. Okay. And I'm like, fucking get up, bitch. Okay. Are you trying to knock them out? No, I'm just trying to demoralize them so that Ving can swoop in and knock them out. Okay. Yeah. What's Ving doing? Swooping in and swinging hard. All right. Eight. Okay. Yeah. So roll your damage again. Six. Yeah. There you go.

That second one with Tuck harassing them at the same time. Broke his jaw. Yeah. And they're both out cold on the ground. Nice job, you guys. Yeah. I take their vests. Great work, Billy. So brave. Thank you. High five. High five. Clink. Clink. Well, you guys have their vests. Yeah. Anything else you guys want to take? I'm going to call this guy's clothes. Yeah. Nothing fits. Not even in the slightest. Just like at the clear water that one time. Yeah, totally.

I bury them in sand up to their heads. Oh, my God. And then we make sculpt a mermaid over top of them. Yeah, I put boobs on some part. On some part. So it looks like it's just a couple of tourists that passed out. Yeah. Wonderful. Okay, let's head in. Yeah. Take their lanterns. Yeah. Now would be trap expert. All right. Yeah. It gets dark as we go in. I look around nine nine. Okay, so you hold one. All right. Can we help? No. Yeah, you can help with. Yeah, you got a nine, right? So you can aid.

Yeah. Yeah. So one of you roll 2d6 plus bond 10. Perfect. That's a 10. Billy gets three. So what do you guys do to aid? Can we get Perel to light up the place? Oh, yeah. Perel. Oh, yeah. Perel and mirrors are both there. They've wandered up, but they're like, we'll we'll keep watch. Okay, we'll stay out here. Okay. And here's like, yeah, be be safe. Yeah. What do you how are you guys helping Billy? How how can we make light? Well, you guys have the lantern. So just bring them closer.

I reflect the lantern put it right around my crystal. Do the crystals glow? Yeah, I think they refract. They reflect on the axe close to so we hold. Oh, yeah. Sick. Is there a trap here? And if so, what activates it? There is a trap here and it is activated by a trip wire just inside the cave where it gets dark. There's a there's a trip wire. Okay. Hold on you guys. Let me figure this out. Okay. What does the trap do when I activate it?

You see up above there's a bunch of like cans on a string and you see that it would drop all those cans and they'd make a crazy clattering noise. And then what else is hidden here? In the cave wall, there's a little stash of what looks like a tiny bag of herbs. There's a little bottle of liquid. There's like a there's like a paperback book. It looks like a little stash for like whoever's keeping watch out here. Oh, look there's a what's that book you? Guys really like love and lust.

Yeah, this is I recognize the drawing on the front. It's a similar book. It's two shirtless nights like that. You know, they have the arm armor, but no like chest armor and like little helmets. It's called like a lust unbound. Oh, wow. That's the sequel. Oh, yeah, the sequel. Yeah, same author. Throw it down to you guys. Thanks. I chuck the bags of herbs to Vang. Yeah, just throw the book outside the mirrors. Yeah, and mirrors is like Oh, Oh, There's nothing else.

There's like a little bottle with some liquid in it. Okay. It's booze like it's booze and I'll take that. Yeah. Okay. I throw that to okay. Stand back you guys and I just bend down. I cut the wire. Oh, and the cans all clang down and they they hit like this rock Ledge and they start sliding backwards down the cave tunnel and they just go like clang clang clang clang just look really cool. You guys be cool about this. Yeah, we do a pose. Yeah.

Yeah, you hear a couple noises and then surprising Quickly, the mouth of the cave is just full of thugs. Can Naving do an intimidation thing? Yeah, for sure. Where he elementary masters a big stalactite down and it meets his crystal hand and then he breaks it off like a club. Sick. That's so tight. 11. You have to choose between the effect you desire comes to pass. You avoid paying nature's price or you retain control. You get to choose two of those. I'll pay nature's price. Okay. Yeah.

Same thing. A stalactite comes down from the ceiling. Yeah. You grab it and snap it off like a club and you feel the crystals just creep a little bit further up your arm. Close to my elbow. Yeah. But now you've got this like jagged rock club. Oh, shit. And they're like, what are you doing here? We're here to see Ruby. And you hear some murmuring and they look behind them and they part.

And a young woman with the dark skin of McCall is there and she's got a blade, like a long sword with a big ruby on the end of it on her hip. And she's holding and she says, Well, you found her. And I think that's where we're going to end it this week. Cool. My name is Sean O'Hara. I've been your game master. With me as always playing Fat Billy the Halfling Thief, Jessica Tai. Good night, everyone. Playing Tacoma Dome, the Barbarian, Abdul Aziz. So long.

Playing Ving, the Half-Elf Druid, Paul Oppers. Bye-bye. Thanks to Aaron Reed for the intro and outro music. Thanks to Wes for all the technical work. Thanks to Abdul for the editing. Thanks to our Patreon supporters and listeners around the world. And thanks to Adam Coble and Sage LaTorah for inventing Dungeon Wars. A game that you can find a lot of places. Thank you so much for listening, everybody. We'll see you next time.

And so ends the tale of Adventures 3 Who tried the best they can Though dumb and scared and lost they be For time's abreast in revelry And though our journey may be like a conclusion We'll find the way back home We'll find the way back home We'll find the way back home We'll find the way back home We will not leave you without a resolution Return next week to hear some more Whilst you commute or do your chores And for you I'd gladly spell war