Episode 8 – The Pirate Queen

Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers have health, he shifts his shape, and wields a spear with great might Billy's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends, and listen close For the tale's about to start Welcome to Spout Lore everybody, my name is Sean O'Hara I'm your game master, and with me as always playing Tacoma Dome, the Barbarian Abdulaziz Hello Playing Ving, the half-elf druid, Paul Oppers Good morning, let's do this!

Playing Fat Billy, the halfling thief, Jessica Tai Hello everyone!

And here we are today, I didn't plan ahead enough in my head to what I was gonna say When last we left our heroes, they had partnered up with the succubus Allison After finding out that she had been somehow trapped within the resort town of Crystal Lake Due to the machinations of McCall's Church of the Flame and the controversial Light Guard The Light Guard, a group of holy warriors that banish demons to a realm that we have deemed the Outer Dark Which we have somewhat discussed, but still aren't 100% sure what it is And to help them in that quest, the group has found themselves…

In conference with the Crystal Bay Pirates, a gang of ne'er-do-wells which make this resort town their home-slash-layer You guys had approached the lair of the Crystal Bay Pirates Billy had deliberately cut the alarm wire And you have been surrounded by the pirates And this little curly-haired person comes out Little curly-haired person? Didn't Ruby do that to you, Tacoma?

I think she was tall, lean, she had dark skin and dark hair Oh, weird And she had a sword with a big ruby on the end of it Yeah Were you thinking of Shirley Temple?

Temple, I was Yeah We were in Shirley's Temple That's in a different town The Temple of Shu-lee And I think maybe we'll jump ahead a little bit Where we find ourselves now is you've been brought down deeper into the cave complex of the Crystal Bay Pirates And you have been brought to this surprisingly well-appointed cavern Tuck, you see a lot of stuff you actually recognize from back in McCall There's like a really nice woven rug There's a nice plush chair There's lamps and candles and all that sort of stuff Creating this really nice sitting room And we're talking to each other as we're going down And we're like, whoa There's a lot of like, nice little like touches in here Yeah I mean the layout is, I mean there's a lot of rooms with not a lot of room, you know?

I feel like they could feng shui this place but like, you know, maybe a couple hanging plants here and there Yeah I feel like they have like a lot of carpets here And it's like one carpet brings a room together But it's like, they're kind of just trying to cover the whole floor it feels like And you feel, Tuck, you feel a sharp point in your back One of the Crystal Bay Pirates kind of pokes you in the back with like a sharp stick that he carries And he's like, hey, stop talking Sorry, we're just admiring the interior design Yeah, it sounds like you're criticizing it and I put a lot of time into this Oh, is this, you, you, is this, you did this?

Uh, yeah, I did this You're a pirate and a designer? Yeah Just because we're criminals doesn't mean we're animals We like creature comforts, I've spent a lot of time trying to make this a home so if you could just quiet down It's surprisingly cozy It's not bad, I think you have a lot of promise You guys, you're just, you're all just saying that now because I got upset How do you get these plants to stay alive down here?

Oh, that's actually pretty interesting, what you got to do is you got to grind up some of the crystal that you find in the water And you, hey, no, no, no talking! No talking! Ugh I just want to explain what I see in my mind when we're in this place, I see my parents' house Oh really?

Middle Eastern people traditionally have fucking garbage sense of style It's just, like what I described was accurate to my parents' house where it was just like oriental rugs everywhere And then just like a mishmash of gaudy looking shit that they saw at Pottery Barn And stuff that they thought was like elegant Okay, well then that's actually something that we can kind of There's like so many vases, those hanging plates that have cranes on them Yes Yeah There's like a vase with a kind of a tableau on it Statues of cats everywhere Oh god, yeah See, we talked about this a little bit earlier, my dad had a similar sense of style because he was a sailor for like almost 40 years Right And his sense of style was just, what did I get?

What did I get when I went places?

So it's just huge vase, a weird box with like a scene in it, a wooden cowboy boot An elephant planter Yeah, like an elephant with the box on its back, you know like this You could get that at the mall That's what I thought, but he'd go to Vietnam and bring back a huge ceramic elephant like, look They have malls in Vietnam So maybe that is actually pretty indicative of the style of the Crystal Bay Pirates There's a lot of things that you recognize from the principalities Tuck, there's stuff that you recognize from McCall Ving, maybe there's some things that you recognize There's a cave bear rug Woah In front of the Cave bears, like are cave bears From the far north Oh So yeah, there's a lot of mishma, and there's stuff that you don't recognize from anywhere What are cave bears?

Yeah, are they like earth cave bears? Yeah, well they're like that But their colors are opposite What does that mean? Like brown on their chest and they're mostly white and creamish. They're like a piddly bear. Have you seen a piddly bear? Yeah, I've seen piddly bears. Yeah, they're like that. But cave. They live in caves. So sick. Yeah. They're very smart. That's why it's like a highly, a highly prized kill because they can have smart hunters usually. Oh, cave bears in this world. Yeah.

Do you know what a cave bear is? No. They're like an extinct kind of bear that was like 12 feet tall on its hind legs or some insane thing like that. Whoa. And early humans competed with them for like caves. Wow. Yeah. So we wiped them out because we needed to sleep in the same caves as them. An entire room is just one cave bear pelt. Yeah. Oh, cool. Yeah. So you get the idea that like for as foolish as they seemed in the beached whale, these are genuine sailors. They're pirates.

They travel the world. And yeah, so you've got Ruby and she's sitting in this big plush chair sort of running her finger along the ruby on the pommel of her sword. Yeah. And she's got her legs kicked up over one side. She's reclining in a very like you are in my presence sort of vibe. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Pirate spleen. Yeah. Classic. And she picks up a jeweled chalice and she drinks deeply from it. She says, what has brought you into the presence of Ruby, captain of the Crystal Bay Pirates?

Please don't interrupt me. Sorry. I like to set a tone off the top and that tone is that I am a well-respected traveler and fearsome pirate queen. We respect you. Hi, Ruby Tuesday. Any relation to the bug? I actually have spent some time in the great forests of the northern continent. I came to find peace and enlightenment within the tune groves of the north. I call from the great forests and bring some of the tranquility of your beloved land with us to help in our meeting here today. Billy?

Yes. Such tranquilities as I just look at Tuck. And I I just I turn around and I just whisper and I'm like, so we're offering her just quietness. Is that what's happening? She takes another deep sip from the goblet and is like, I understand that you have made up your mind. But I have a proposition to my crew member here. One that will be of great material benefit to the Crystal Bay Pirates. Yeah. Yeah, we need you guys to smuggle someone out of Crystal Bay for us.

A paltry task in return for the sum of 300 gold pieces. Uh, 300? Did we say 300? 300. Billy, did we say 300? No, we definitely said, uh, 30. Yeah, that's crazy. That's like as much as a, you know, as much as a chain mail suit of armor. Yeah. It felt like your guy wasn't really listening to us. You guys are lying. So you're going to need to make a roll to convince her. Yep. So somebody's going to have to do it. One of you can aid the person rolling. Who has the, what is it? You started it.

Okay, I'll do it. So I guess it's Tuck. So it's 2d6 plus charisma. This is going to be a defy danger. Okay. Seven, eight, nine. Wow. Someone want to aid? Yeah, I'll aid. So what's Ving doing to aid? Uh, yeah, he's pointing at like, what a piece of shit pirate he is. Like, you don't believe a pirate? Yeah. Well, I will say that that's not going to be a great tack with a pirate. We were all, there was this crazy stuff. You weren't there. It was crazy stuff happening. $300.

Give us a break for helping to smuggle one person. Yeah. What kind of stupid idiots do you take us for? Yeah. You think we'd offer $300 to get one person out of town? That's insane. Look at my, I'm out of clothing. You think we have that kind of money? Okay. Look, Billy is covered in shit. Yeah. We can't afford even bath water, even when it's free. Okay. 2D6 plus bond with Tacoma. Oh, boy. Wow. 10 plus 2. Yeah. Yeah. You nailed it. Great. So 10 and, um. Who has $300? She takes a deep sip.

Some of us do. Oh, you have 300 gold coin? Well, we offer a service. We're smuggling people out of town for a mere 300 gold coin. What do you think of that? It seems to be the rate that you expect. Yeah. She goes, ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ving leans over and goes, fucking sweet switcheroo. Oh, my God. We appreciate wit here. Wit is the only comfort many have upon the harsh waves of the sea of graves. Takes a deep sip and she looks over at the Crystal Bay pirate. Yeah.

What is that lying piece of shit's name? And he looks at her. He's like, you guys didn't even ask for my name. You interrogated me and everything. You didn't even ask for my name. Now you're throwing me under the bus. She's like, I'm very disappointed in you, Milton. Take him away. Wait, what are you going to do to him? Oh, we do not take kindly to liars within the Crystal Bay pirates. Oh, I mean, Milton wasn't mean. He was just stupid. He's just stupid. No, no.

Pirates have a type of code, a system. A system of honor. You must be honest within your crew. And he has broken that most sacred vow. One of our many sacred vows. All more sacred than the last, but each more sacred than the first, than the… Yes. She takes a deep sip. What are you drinking? Only the finest in McCollin. What kind of drinks do they drink in McColl? Like… Fermented oxblood. Yeah, fermented oxblood and fermented centaur milk. Ugh. Mixed together? No, separately.

Sometimes you mix them. It's called a red rush. I copy. I'm good. So she's drinking. Yeah, she's drinking deep and you see that she's got like a little bit of milk like on her upper lip. You got a little… Things trying to… You got a little… Ah, thank you. And she goes… And she licks it off her top lip. Yes, only the finest vintages of centaur wine from the city of McColl itself. It's a little chunky. You can tell. Yeah.

So some Crystal Bay Pirates have grabbed Milton and they're taking him away. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you gonna do? I… Murder that liar. I feel bad. Yeah. I'm gonna respectfully run up and like try to wedge… Pull Milton back. How does Billy respectfully run? Well, he… Kurt sees really fast and then… And he stays… He holds his little skirt, part as he runs. It was just like… He makes pizzicato strings. Yeah. Yeah. Like a little ballerina. And then he grabs Milton's foot.

He's like, no. And you are two feet tall. So you're not like stopping them or anything, but are you trying to convince them not to take Milton away? Yeah. Defy danger charisma. Yeah. Billy grabs Milton's foot and he starts… He bursts into tears. He's like, no, you can't take him. Please. He's my dad. Ten. Ten. It's a ten. Hold on. Oh my God. Eleven. Eleven. That was good. And… Oh my God. And… And everybody stops for a second because Billy's so convincingly like weeping on this guy's foot.

Billy and Tucker are like, oh my God, that's his dad. We finally found him. And everybody's eyes are like, oh my God. His eyes are wide and Ruby's like, Milton, is this true? And Milton's like, yes. Like he's taking gauge of the room. Everybody stopped and he's not going to be executed. He's like, oh. Bing and I like have our eyes open really wide and we're like slightly nodding. Yeah. And Milton's like, oh, oh, yeah, this is, this is my son. Fat Billy. Fat Billy.

I call him that as a term of influence. As a term of endearment because I understand that he has a thyroid condition and he reaches and he's like, hmm. Bing's doing the little fingers turning over and like stretch it out. Yeah. I'm doing the stretch it out motion that I saw at the DeSom Creek. Yeah. We're really getting into theater. Yes. Yeah. Well, I mean, why wouldn't you? You've seen some of the best theater the Principality has to offer. Yeah. DeSom Creek.

A bunch of kids doing a rerun of a show they like. Yeah. Lone Tree Hill. Man, one day I hope to see Wapple County. I was trying to figure out a name for Orange County for the OC and Wapple County is great. The WC. The WC. Oh, that's so fucking funny. Fuck yeah. Okay. We're going to, they're going to, we're going to feature them at some point in this show. Just write that down. Yeah. Somebody write down Wapple County. You signal Milton to stretch it out and he keeps going. Yes.

Um, he is a small halfling, of course, and I am a human. But what are the bonds of biology when the bonds of love are stronger? But also the bonds of biology because my mom was even shorter than me. That's right. I made love to a very small person. And thankfully his penis is tiny. Okay. Yes. It was the only person that I knew. It was the only person in the world that he could have sex with and have it or even feel it at all. Okay. And he picks up Billy. He starts to pick up Billy. Yeah.

And he's like, and you can see him like straining his back as he stands up. Oh my God. Pathetic. I'm a sailor. I'm not a bodybuilder. Okay. And now that you know, Ruby, about the truth of my family, I hope you can see it in your heart to spare my life. Ruby thinks for a moment. She goes, far be it from me to separate a boy from his father. I have had many, many difficulties with my own family. Ones that I would not hope to see bestowed upon the newer generation.

You are free, but you must turn in your sword and your tongue. No, just his sword will do. Yeah. Milton's like, oh, I'm, I'm not, I'm not a pirate anymore. She goes, no, we cannot. You have a family. Milton and I understand that you are only trying to seek the best for your children. So please hand in your sword and you are free to go collect your things. Put down your son. We have work to do. Could be also a thing where she's like, Milton, hand in your sword and pick up your scribe's packet.

You're working a desk job. Yeah. We're taking you off the beat. That's funnier. That's way funnier. Yeah. Milton, Milton, turn in your sword. You'll be working within the cavern complex for now. It is too dangerous out there on the streets, my young man, and you have a family to think about. You'll be working in the cosmetics department. And he bows with Billy in his arms and goes, of course, Ruby. Thank you. Thank you so much.

And he puts Billy on the ground and he kneels down, holds up his sword like he's being reverse knighted. And she takes it and throws it behind her into a big pile of swords. And gives him a little sheaf of parchments and quills. And he bows deeply and he runs off into the cavern complex. Farewell, son. Farewell, father. I will see you again. And he's gone. Thank you, Ruby. Oh, of course, Milton Jr. Now, why are you in the presence of Pirate Queen Ruby Choon's day?

We would like you to help us get somebody out of Crystal Bay that is having a hard time doing so. And we need it to be secret, smugly, and sneaky. And we also need it quick. Now. Because someone's hunting her. Yeah, so she says, smuggling. That is something we are well versed in as pirates. I believe we can help you. Who is it that is hunting this person? We only know them as the like of the Lightguard. And her eyes widen and she drops this like braggadocious personality for just a second.

Sits up straight. Yeah, but then she like brings her cup up really quickly to hide that expression. She's like, oh. As a citizen of McCall, I know them well. The stories of the Lightguard are fascinating and wide-ranging. Their heroics known around the Western world. What has brought them to these shores so far from home? I don't know for a large part. To tell her. Yeah. I feel we're saying this. Yeah. Can you give us a second to confer? Yes, of course. Until we get in a huddle again.

Can you hum to yourself, please? I hum to no one within the confines of my own lair. I will merely get a refill on my centaur wine. Okay, we're gonna shuffle over to the dinette area. Please do. And there's a really gaudy looking table that's got like brass legs and a glass top. Yeah. Like, God, this fucking sucks. Hey, Ruby. Yes, young Miltonson. Um, are we allowed to have some of these crackers and cheese? Oh, of course. Please help yourself. Okay, and also, what are those?

Those are bergam fruits all the way from McCall. Dried, of course. Okay, we can have those? You can have but one. That is all the constitution of the average human being can afford. Bergam fruits are like, there's this layer of like bread on the outside. This bready kind of fruit. And then there's a layer of like hamburger meat. Oh, my God. And then on the inside, there's like a nugget of like ketchup and mustard. That is not a fruit. It is now. I mean, it tastes like burger meat.

There's different layers of plant matter that make it taste exactly like that. The ketchup and the mustard is from, because it takes two different bugs, wasps, to pollinate. A ketchup wasp and a mustard wasp. Mustard wasp. And they have to meet. And then when they, that's when they get That's why it's such a prized fruit, because it finishes the flavor of the bergam fruit. Oh, my gosh. Okay, so Billy helps himself to crackers and cheese and seven of the bergams.

Because he eats one and he's like, oh, it's so good. And then he takes more. But they are beyond the constitution of a full-grown person. So what are they going to do to Billy? I guess we'll find out. They're going to cause Billy to roll a defy danger constitution. Constipation. 36 plus constitution. Not well. Four. Four. So mark a point. A point of experience. Cool. And as of right now, boy, those were great. They sure were. And we continue on. We just hear this like.

Billy, what was that sound? Nothing. I didn't hear anything. It's like rubbing his belly. And it's doing that like Simpsons-esque like where the stomach is like waving. Don't worry about it. It happens a lot. Oh, man. I still really like ketchup wasp and mustard wasp. And if you eat them, that's what they taste like. Yeah. Yeah. But it's hard. It's the sting the shit out of your mouth. Yeah. It's hard to eat them. But there are places in McCall where you can get them like fried. Yeah.

They just get them and they throw them in a pan and they fry them up. You can get a sauce made out of the ketchup wasp and the mustard wasp, but you just have to catch a shitload of wasps and put them in a Vitamix and they're done. Yeah. Pretty good. Vitamix is two big rocks. Yeah. It's two big rocks that are alive that have like reciprocating teeth on the inside. Oh, my God. I was imagining it was just a business owned by a guy named Vita who's just this huge dude that smashes things.

I'll smash. I'll mix. I'll do whatever you need. Okay, great. So what are you guys doing on this? We're standing around the cheese plate eating. Yeah. And we're like, what are we supposed to… How much is okay to tell Ruby? I mean, the light guard really affected her. Yeah. I saw it. You saw that? Yeah. You saw that? Yeah. I saw that. I saw that. I saw that. I saw that. I saw that. I saw that. We shouldn't tell her about Allison, though. No. I feel like she would get suspicious.

There's a lot of stigma about succubi. I understand it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let's just say, like, the light guard is hunting a friend of ours. Oh, she's going to want to know which friend and why. Well, we have to tell her it's Allison, but we won't tell her it's a succubus. Uh-huh. And we also will just say… Why are they hunting her? Because she's… Because she's so pretty. Fucking hot. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I bet, like, he wanted to get with her, but her friends, he didn't get with them.

And they didn't make it fast enough. Like the Spice Girls. Yes. Yes. We knew where you were going. Yes. The Spice Girls, of course, are an organization of powerful spice merchants from the fall. That's kind of it. Yes. So she's going to have to leave. She can't do it. She can't do it. She can't follow through with the marriage. Because he didn't get with her. She can't follow through with her friends. Yeah. Yeah. It did make it fast. Yeah. He came so slow. Too slow.

Is that something asking guys to come faster? I have no idea. It's no… I think that… I always thought it… Obviously, when you're a kid, you're always like, she wants him to bang her friends. But it's just like, you got to get along with the rest of the Spice Girls if you want to be with me. That's how I interpreted it. Yeah. Not me. Okay, cool. Yeah. That's a pretty good story. Wow. This might be the best lie we've ever thought of. Yes. Woo. Girl power. Now you just have to pull it off.

All right. Okay, what are we saying again? And Ruby is still reclined in her chair drinking her centaur wine. It's like, I see that you have formed some kind of plan. Now tell me, whomst is the light guard hunting that you require us to assist? Personally, as a duo, I really want Ving to do this because he's such a Lothario. Yeah, that's true. All right. It's our very fuckable friend. Oh my God. What an opening salvo. How are we saying her name? Allison. Allison be her name.

And she was engaged to a high priester of the light guard. Church. Church of the flame. Probably. Yeah. Him too. Was his father unto him. And, and, and. Oh my God. And there was a, there was a cooing in the hen house. We're both giving a thumbs up. And she said, stop right there. Thank you very much. But I need somebody with a human touch. Hey, you. I got to run. And if you don't slow it down, baby, I'll be having fun with another guy. And he was like, I'll send the whole light guard after you.

And she was like, what's the part about the lady? We're just like, she's a lady. And we're trying to get her to help another lady. Help another lady. We're just trying to get one lady to help out another lady. You know how I'm trying to get her to help another lady. We all do. We, Billy and I are realizing now as this has gone on for 15 minutes, that Ving is garbage at lying. He's sweating bullets. I'm sweating bullets. It's Paul. Water is pouring from his gills. He swept out of his gills?

When is this bad? Are my gills moist? Really moist. When normal people, people get nervous and you can see the sweat stains on their shirt. I get in my collar. Okay. You're going to have to roll something because you are trying to convince her. So defy danger charisma. That's the only move that exists for lying, basically. So nine. Uh-huh. Okay. I can have an aid. So we can aid. And we all came up with the lie. So that's the aid. So Billy, do you want to do it? Sure.

Jessica has better luck than me. I don't. So it's plus your bond. Well, bang. 10, 11. Yeah. Yeah. Nailed it. So they buy it. You guys are really knocking the lies out of the park today. Uh-huh. That's great. So she puts down her chalice and steeples her fingers and says, ah, yes, the corruption of the light guard is also well known around the world.

The fear of the higher ups, many members of the light guard seek to only protect the innocent from the dangers of the outer planes, the various demonic influences on our world. But the corruption of the higher ups has been well known for decades, generations even. This story does not surprise me, though it does trouble me. As a lady, I imagine it would. Okay. Yes. I mean, that is also a problem. Billy and I are like, really? Pull it back on the ladies' time. Dude. Dude.

As a, though I am a pirate, we, as I said, are an honorable sort. I would be willing to lend my sword and my sail to any that I could. But of course, we will help you. However, I am, if nothing else, a businesswoman. So there must be something in it for the Crystal Bay Pirates. She says, if you are not willing or able to compensate us materially, then, we do have a side quest that you could complete. What is it? It's so funny to me.

Because I mean, though that is like, oh man, this is how RPGs are. This is how people operate. Like, if you can't pay me, you got to help me out. Yeah. And it's just funny that it's like, every time you try to do something, someone's like, well, could you do something else as well? Oh my God. We're trying to do something. If you're going to the grocery store, could you also take my dry cleaning? Is that the quest? Because yes, we'll do that.

So as you, I'm sure are well aware, as pirates, our criminal operations are wide ranging and lucrative. Something that the city guard of Crystal Bay cannot allow. One of our vessels was impounded by customs officials after a investigation found that we were smuggling a large quantity of high quality cosmetics up and down the coast. So both our cargo and our ship have been taken from us. Something that I am not thrilled with.

If you can acquire these cosmetics for us and perhaps return our vessel, then we would be willing to smuggle your friend or friends out on this same vessel. Is there like an impound fee or is it, how do you get it? How do people usually get it out? Well, I can tell you how we usually get our vessels back. Go ahead. By the edge of a blade. Oh, yes. A traditional, traditional methods. Yeah, that's what we thought. Yeah. We were going to do that too. Yep.

We just wanted to make sure, you know, we are following like protocol. If you can do this for us, then we can do that for you. What say you, warriors three? We say, I. I. I. Will do it. Very well. Then we have an accord. Now in the tradition, of. The pirate clans of the world, we will now seal our pact in blood. Are you going to take one of our eyes? Would you like me to? No. Good, because I did not want to. I'm squeamish about eye stuff, but. And she. Talks to his eyeball. You.

I didn't know you could do that. Being flips is his eyelids. I refuse to do that. So tuck starts touching his eye and Ving flips. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. Do not. Do not do this in my presence. You mean like this? I look weird. Jessica tie is covering her own eyes. And Billy's tummy goes. Oh, great. So she says, yes. Then we have an accord and we will seal this pact in blood. Okay. She gets up and she like cuts her hand. Whoa. Whoa.

You're squeamish. Jesus. I'm squeamish about eye stuff. Not about. Not about hand stuff. Your hand is covered in scars. Yeah, it is. She's got one huge scar that she keeps cutting open. Oh. Oh, my God. That's bad. That can't be good. You must get infected all the time. The creams and salves that we produce as the Crystal Bay Pirates are well suited to healing such repeat wounds. Okay. Your fingers barely work. On my left hand. Yes, that is true.

Which is why I've become one of the most fearsome sword fighters in the world with my right hand. Okay. My left hand is near useless. Classic overcompensation. You better do this fast. And Billy just like smashes a bottle like in doing so cuts his own hands. I'm ready. Oh, my God. Billy. Billy. I'm going to shit my pants. Billy's racing against the clock now. Okay. Ving and Tuck just look at each other and then I'm going to punch you in the nose. No, don't. I'm going to punch you in the nose.

No, I have a plan. Bam! I'm sorry. Ving just smokes Tuck right in the nose with a crystal fist. So how much damage do I take? You want to take damage? You know what I noticed the last few episodes is that every time Ving screwed up, I took damage. Yeah, because it was funny. Because you're the one with the most like capability of taking physical punishment and it's always funny. I almost died. You're the curly. You sure did. What's your damage today? D6. Okay. One. Okay.

So I don't take any damage. Yeah, because you're your natural armor, but you do start bleeding. Yeah. Yeah. And Ving's like, make me bleed. Okay. I just scratched my head with my other finger. Yeah. She's like, usually we just cut the palm a little bit. Yeah, but your hand is fucked. Okay. Now we seal it in blood. She grabs Billy's little bloody hand and is like, you should get some salves on that young one. I don't know.

I saw a beautician and he said that my skin's pretty oily, so I think I'm fine. Very well. And she starts rubbing her bloody hand on Tuck's bloody nose. And she says, this is definitely the most uncomfortable way I've done that. I sneeze into her hand. Oh. And monster boy. Ving just takes like a little bit of her blood and like, I'll do it. Yeah. Rubs it on his own palm. Give me some blood back. Okay. Okay. Okay. Thank you. Uses his ring finger.

Our bloods have been commingled and we have an accord. Now get out of my sight. My face is just smeared with her blood. Yeah, it is. You've got a big bloody handprint. Fighting Uruk-hai. You look like Wilson from Castaway. Yes. Oh, that's so funny. Fuck. Oh, fuck. That's, I totally forgot about that. All right. And that's it. She says, now. Until you have returned with my ship and my goods. Begone thee. Wait, can you tell us where the impound is? What's the name of the ship? Or the bay. Fuck.

You can't give us any information. The ship. This happens to us all the time. People will give us a job and zero detail. Okay. People just leave the cave and go ship, ship, ship. Okay. Okay. Well, I mean, here's a pretty, the boat can be found. One time a lady just gave us a cat. That was it. She said, follow this cat. Follow this cat. Follow this cat. Follow this cat. Do we look for a skull and crossbones? Is there any telltale signs of your ship? What are your colors?

Or even just, what is the name of the ship? Is it a schooner? Is it a frigate? Is it a skiff? What's the location of the impound lot? That's all we need. If you will give me a second. Okay, sure. Ruby does say, there is not an impound lot so much as you will find my vessel covered in the guard of the Crystal Bay militia. You will find my vessel. You will find the many sailed, a normal amount of sails, which is four. But maybe they're stacked on top of each other sometimes.

It seems like you've never seen the ship before. Oh, I have seen many ships. I assure you. Yeah, wait a second. Two hands, two legs. Are you even a pirate? I have absolutely been on a boat. I get the feeling that Ruby is a pirate. She's a person who has extensive theater training. Yes. Who kind of just fell into this business. Yes. Yep. She accidentally became a pirate. More of a min pirate. Yeah. Exactly. She's like pretty good. She used to be like a stage manager for a theater group. Yeah.

And she also like knows all the main pirate plays. So she knows how to play a pirate. Yeah. Nice. Great. Yeah. So she says, you will find the ship known as the aimless wanderer within the docks of Crystal Bay. You will know it by the. The brass figurehead featuring the stunning form of a centaur in full bloom. So it's just it's like a fat guy. Yeah. With like aging hard on icebreaker. Yeah. It's a centaur with like a statue of a centaur with full balls. His chest is like painted.

So it's all hairy. And it's like that thing where it's like man boobs. Huge gut. Yeah. Keep talking. He's got his arms up. And then he's got the front legs of the centaur part. But he's making the face of like the. Like a model. Yeah. Like a model. Like. And they also even carved out like delicate armpit hairs. Like just the hairiest arms. Yeah. Back is like a carpet. Rings and all this. Totally. Like gold chains. Yeah. Yeah. Gold chains around his human part neck. And then also his waist.

Which is technically his camel neck. Yeah. And yeah. So she's just returning this vessel to me and my goods. And you will have your way out. Okay. Now be gone. Okay. From me. Yeah. Billy already sprinted. Billy has begun. He has been gone. Do you guys have a bathroom? Billy's just waddling up the cave. He was trying to make it to the beach, but he couldn't. So there's one of their. They have a lot of reading nooks. Kind of throw it. The cave. And he just picked one. Oh my God.

And there's just a lot of stuff on this rug. And there's a Billy's pulling pages from the books and wiping himself. And he's just like covering the pile of poop with the pages. And when you guys run up, that's what you see. Oh my God. We got to get out of here before everybody sees this. Oh yeah, for sure. I'm going to just roll up this rug and take it with. And then we're going to go. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. You get back to the beach and you hear a, Hey. Hey. And a little bit further down this like cave wall where like the rocks are. You see a very, a paper thin sheet of sand. Like collapse back onto the beach and Perel and mirrors are standing behind it. And mirrors is like, why did they like what happened? Well, I. I don't know. Like it was probably those Bergam fruits. But I had.

The most aggressive dump I ever had in the last week for sure. More aggressive than the one that you had before when it was also really aggressive? Yeah. It was huge. It was huge. I think back to what I saw in the pile on the carpet and I was like, oh yeah, that was as big as Billy. How the fuck? How'd you pass that? How are you passing aggressive? I don't know. Billy's eyes are haunted. Yeah. And Mears is like, you're going to have to tell me what a bergam fruit is though.

It sounds interesting. They taste so good. Not worth it. We'll see. Okay, I need a bathroom. I like that immediately he was like, they're not worth it. Probably. The whole time he's just digging holes in the sun. Like a cat. He's like, it's a nervous tick that he does when he has diarrhea. He's just nervously crates a hole. I need a place. I need a receptacle right now. Perel's like, okay, so what's the plan? What's going on? They want us to get their ship back. It's got a bunch of makeup on it.

It's got a huge hard-on centaur on the front of it. And when we get the ship back to them, they will get Allison out of here. Okay, alright. So we're ship thieves now. Yeah. Cool. We're pirates. Mears holds up his metal hand and he's like, eh? Pirate time. And it's going… We gotta get you some oil for that. The metal just moves. I don't know if oiling it would do anything. So you start walking down the beach and Perel's like, alright, we'll head back to the hotel. We'll make a plan.

We're gonna steal a boat. Hell yeah. Let's do it. Boat party. I did like hang loose. Boat party summer. And you're walking down the beach and the sunset, the eternal sunset is glittering off the crystals in the bay and the rocks creating this very nice tableau. The coronet arcs through the sky and Perel's like, okay, yeah, we're gonna steal a boat. This is gonna be great. I can do some magic stuff. Blah, blah, blah. And Mears is like, um, hey guys. What? What's that?

And he points out into the water and you see this massive ship with like brass fittings all over the place and torches and bonfires burning on the deck. And on the front of it is this massive sail and right in the center of the sail is the symbol. Tuck, you recognize this. Of the light guard. Whoa! We gotta move. And I think that's probably where we're gonna end it for this week. Thank you very much for listening, everybody. My name is Sean O'Hara. I've been your Game Master.

With me as always, playing Tacoma Dome, the Barbarian Abdulaziz. Oh, he's pointing to some goose bumpies. It's GBs. No. Maybe I just liked it because it was my idea. No, it's awesome. I did it again, bud. Man, I'm so hard on my own ideas. Can't get enough. Playing Ving the Half-Elf Druid Paul Oppers. See you later. Playing Fat Billy the Halfling Thief Jessica Tai. Bye, everyone. Thanks to Aaron Reed for our amazing intro and outro music. Thanks to Wes for all the technical work.

Abdul for all the editing. Thanks to Adam Coble and Sage LaTorre for creating Dungeon World. And you can find us on Patreon at patreon.com slash Spout Lore for just an absolute shit ton of bonus content. And I think we're up to like 14 or 15 hours now. And as of right now, we're just about to start releasing our bonus game, which is a Blades in the Dark campaign set in the High Spear Mall featuring the Cool Treat Kids.

If you find it in your hearts, please feel free to shoot us a review on iTunes, five stars or more. Yeah, everyone has reviewed five stars, except for one person who reviewed three stars. And we're back. Our average is back at five. But whoever that is, if I ever meet you, I'll be back. I'll be back. I'll be back. I'll be back. I'll be back. I'll be back. I'll be back. But whoever that is, if I ever meet you, I'll slit your fucking throat. Well, we appreciate your honesty.

We really appreciate the variety of review. And we would never threaten a critic for any reason. Makes them look legit. Yeah, exactly right. And you can find us also on social media at Spout Lore most places. Thanks so much for listening, everybody. We'll see you next time. And so ends the tale of Adventures 3. Who tried the best they could? And though dumb and scared and lost they be, sometimes oppressed in revelry.

And though our journey may be like a conclusion, we will not leave you without a resolution. Return next week to hear some more whilst you commute or do your chores. And for you I gladly Spout Lore. Pretty great. Well done, everybody. I'll leave that in. Alright.