Episode 9 – Pier Pressure

Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers have health, he shifts his shape, and wields a spear with great pride Billy's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends, and listen close For the tale's about to start Hi everybody, and welcome to Spout Lore I'm your game master, Sean O'Hara, and with me as always playing Tacoma Dome the Barbarian, Abdul Aziz Hello Playing Ving the half-elf druid, Paul Oppers Hello Playing Fat Billy the halfling thief, Jessica Tai Hello When last we left, oh What?

No, I just immediately belched and Yeah, I also burped at the same time Yeah, brought to you by Bubbly Yeah, Bubbly If anybody has any pull with Bubbs Or Michael Bublé, who is their spokesperson Oh yeah, Mikey Bubbs Yeah Mikey Bubby, we are accepting sponsors We are accepting sponsors? Uh, I will make Bubbly a central tenant of the world of Spout Lore if you give us money And Bubbly Yeah I did it all for the Bubbly What? Bubbly What? Bubbly What?

I imagine that if we ever did that in like season six, like we'd all just be sitting around at a fire eating And then Perel would just be like, did I ever tell you guys my last name? Bubbly My name's Perel Bubbly Mr. Bubbly to you Anyway, pass some of that delicious flavored soda water Carbonation It's the famous invention of my family It's all through just Perel He becomes the sponsored character And he's like, what do you guys think of my shirt?

I got it from the Gap It's a hole in the ground over there That'd be so funny We get all our clothes from the Gap It's a big hole where we found a bunch of old clothes Just dig around in there, find what you need The factories where they make these clothes have dismal They actually have wonderful adults getting paid a lot That's the opposite Cause it's fantasy It's elves that make the clothes that we find It's an enchanted Gap An enchanted hole in the ground And they are paid nothing Okay When last we left our heroes, they had made a deal with the Laugh on mic That's better But I'm laughing at my own joke, it doesn't count Yeah it does You've got goosebumps It's so funny You laugh at your own jokes all the time Yeah cause I'm fucking hilarious I second that When last we left our heroes, they had made a deal with the Crystal Bay Pirates To smuggle Allison out of Crystal Bay in exchange for Returning their vessel, the Aimless Wanderer And crates full of high quality cosmetics that had been confiscated by Crystal Bay Militia's customs officials And And that is where we left our heroes They were returning to the Emerald Hotel and Spa I believe to make a plan and maybe get some rest Yeah Alright And that is where we find you now In your palatial penthouse suite With adjacent rooms Perel and Mears have come with you and you're all just kinda hanging out Allison is nowhere to be seen Yeah We have asked like room service to bring up a map of the city So that's spread out on the table Billy actually made a small fort of the blankets and he's using his goggles to look at the city And he's using his goggles to look at the city And then he uses his goggles to look at the ship out in the water Oh yes cause that was the last thing everybody saw Was a ship that Tuck recognized as bearing the insignia of the Light Guard coming into harbor What does the insignia look like?

It's a torch with a flame on it and it's in a little circle With a sword behind it That's basically exactly what I was thinking I was thinking a sword, the blade facing down and the pommel as a torch Oh so good I love that more then what I said That's pretty much what you said. That's what you said. We all said stuff. They're all jerking each other off now. We were. All three of us are just jerking each other off because we're so good at fantasy. That was Sean Kilvang. Yeah. Yeah.

Just scream fantasy. Yeah, that is how I usually finish. Jessica is nodding with a smile on her face. That is a grimace. Thank you very much. Yeah, so it was a big billowy, I believe what is called a jib sail on the front of the ship with a big brass insignia. It's like one color, a brass sword with a stylized torch on the pommel. Cool. And Billy's staring out the window. Oh, are you discerning realities, Bilbo? I sure am, sir. All right. I was going to say Bilbo, but I'm Bilbo. Damn.

And I never remember what I use. Is it intelligence? It is wisdom for discerning realities. Fuck me. Pretty good. You get three questions from the discerning realities list. What happened here recently? What is about to happen? What should I be on the lookout for? What here is useful or value to me? Who's really in control here? What here is not what it appears to be? I guess like what is useful or valuable to me. I guess you get a really good look at the people on the ship.

What do they look like? This is part of the question. Yeah. It's not a second question. So they are all… Do we think it's safe to say that they all look like they're from McCall? Yeah. They all have the same kind of dark skin that Tuck does. Yeah. It's a mixture of men and women, big and tall. I mean, small. Big and tall, menswear, store. A lot of guys over six and a half feet and over 250 pounds. Oh my goodness. And they need tailored clothes just for them.

Here I thought Tuck was just an anomaly. Nope. They're all… Is everyone big? Okay. Well, no, actually, I think he did mention that you're just really big. I'm huge. I mean, maybe there's one. Oh, yeah. There's one other person on the crew that's huge. What? What if it's like the kid that bullied me? Yes. What's his name? What was his name? Probably Adam. Yeah. Let's call him Fat Adam. Fat Adam. Oh, man. But he was like really strong. He was huge, but so strong. Yeah.

He bullied the shit out of me. And now he's clearly been cut. Yeah. By a lot of sorts. Yeah. By a lot of sorts. Yeah. He's like gigantic. He's maybe not quite as tall as Tuck, but he's hugely muscular. Oh, my God. Tuck, come here and check this out. I run up and I like take Billy's hands and I put them on my face. Wow. You can actually see… Have we decided? Yeah. Billy… You guys can look through Billy's hands? Yeah. Billy wants him to. Yeah. Okay. I see. We did it in Pinewood once.

Yeah, totally. Okay. So you guys see like there's a lot of people on the ship because ship crews require a ton of people. What's sort of the clothing that we think they're wearing? Are they all wearing a… Uniform? White? I think so. A light guard. Like a sailor? Oh, yeah. Like I imagine everything very like… I mean, it's white. Queen. Yeah. Christine. And lawful. Oh, they're like lawful good. Oh, yeah. No, they see themselves as like heroes. Oh, yeah.

They try and hold themselves to high honor, but they're just very hard line about demons. Uh-huh. They're like no demons. Plus, they come from McCall, which is hot. So like, you know, white. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's flowing. It deflects heat and it's flowing. Yeah. Cool. So it's a lot of white linens. Yeah. But there are also people… Yeah. Sandals that strap up the leg. Yeah. Yeah. The one…

You can tell which ones are warriors and which ones are scribes because the scribes are wearing like tunics because they don't have to run. Mm-hmm. And then the warriors are wearing like… Yeah. Skirts like with… So basically the tunic, but it's like slit down the middle. Oh, yeah. So like it gives them like mobility. Do they wear armor at all? No. No armor? No armor? Because they believe that the Lord of the Flame protects them. Wow. Some of them have arm guards. Yeah. Yeah.

Just like a little arm guard. Yeah. And I'd say that's probably like a brass color. Like a lot of stuff that they have is sort of this burnished brass. Yeah. Oh, no. Fadum. I guess my second question is… I think that's Fadum. Oh, no. What the fuck is Fadum doing here? Yeah. Who's he? He used to make me eat shit. Oh, what? He was… Oh, my God. He's got so big. It's okay. We'll protect you. And he has this really like… So he's clean shaven, but he's got a huge like lantern jaw. Yeah.

He's got hair braided from the center of his forehead all the way down the back. And he's got this weird ponytail. Like as a faux hawk? Kind of. Oh, my God. Like a rat tail. Yeah, basically. Horn rows into a rat tail? But a single row. Whoa. Yeah. So it's just down the center of his head. Oh, my God. Yeah. He's so much bigger than he used to be. Talk. So are you, buddy. And you got friends. You got us. Yeah. The power of friendship. Okay. Yeah. Don't worry. We're here for you. Okay.

And I take the axe off my back. Uh-huh. And I'm like, okay. Yeah. And I just sit with it. One thing looks at Billy and is like, Jesus fucking Christ, that guy's fucking huge. We're fucked if he starts fucking with us. Fuck. I'm sorry for cursing, Billy. Don't use bad language. I won't, but. It's a practice of what I preach. Actually, to be honest, I don't. Talk is on the other side. Are you just like talking to like. I'm talking to Larry Terry and Chad. TLC, yeah.

I'm telling them all the things that Fatim did to me. Oh, man. I don't know why you guys are having this conversation. To be honest, I don't really have a plan for what we're going to do about Fatim, but it's good to know now. Yeah. Actually, so yeah, that is what is useful or valuable is you get a good look at the people on the ship, but you also know there is someone that will recognize Tuck. Mm-hmm. Ooh. Yeah. I'd also like to know what is about to happen. Mm.

So they're going to hit the harbor and they're going to start figuring out what the situation is. Mm-hmm. Maybe Tuck would have an idea or he'd at least have heard stories about how the light guard operate. They always send scouts at first. Oh. So do you think these are the scouts? No, no, no. Like off the ship. Like how big is the ship? It's huge, right? It's like a galleon. It would have traveled across the Sea of Graves. What Tuck thinks is that, yeah, like this is like the force.

And like the scouts are going to come in. Mm-hmm. And like start interviewing people and like showing pictures around, trying to track. Yeah. Like check down Allison and like getting ready for the extermination. And then it's just like a strike force where like all of the warriors come in, like destroy everyone and then like leave all of a sudden. Holy fuck. They're not going to kill everyone. Yeah. Just the people that they're like, we've identified these individuals are demons.

That's why there are scribes with them. There are scribes and there are also judges on the ship. Oh, okay. Who like take the information from the scouts and then are like, okay, from what you've told me, this is, these people are demons. These people aren't. And then they just, there's like a kill list. And it's like, go get, go find them. Holy shit. Yeah. What here is not what it appears to be. This is, this is another one that Tuck notices.

Like he takes another look in the hand, in Billy's hand goggles and looks, and you look closer at the ship and you're like, hold on a second. And you notice like the way that, that the lanterns are laid out, like the way that the, cause they have open braziers, like just burning fire, like on the deck. There's a very strong fire motif, of course, to the, to the light guard. Cause it's so dangerous.

The church of the flame really reveres fire as they see it as like a balance between light and dark. It's bright, but it also creates shadow, but always in perfect balance. So cool. Sort of thing. But you realize like the way this ship looks, it's very ostentatious. And you look and you see the name of the ship written in McCollin, like along the bow. And it's called the purifier. Whoa. And you're like, oh, fuck me. Like, this is like the flagship.

This is the flagship of the most revered hero in the light guard, the torch of McCall. Whoa. What is the story that you've heard of the torch of McCall? Uh, I heard he was dating the, the grand vizier's daughter. Whoa. Yeah. That was like in all the tabloids, like right before I left. That's the story. I, and there was like, there was a drawing circulating of him naked. And his, his dick was huge. It was nuts. It was like the size. It was down to his knee. Oh my God. I am.

I am asking an outlander question and I demand that you give me a better answer. Or you will not get the experience. Okay. I'm just giving it a little bit of flavor. Oh, totally. Yeah. No, he's, he's had a long and storied love life. Yeah. And a huge flash of dong. Yeah. Flash it. What'd I say? You said flash it. That's what I meant. That's his, that's his real first name. His given first name is flashed. Yeah. Flushied. Flushied. Flushied.

What's the story that you've heard of the torch of McCall? Um, the story that I heard was that he also grew up on the streets of McCall and he came from like one of the poor districts. And when he was a kid, there was an outbreak of this like disease that is from the outer dark in one of the like, like poor neighborhoods. And so they quarantined it and the disease has like a one week kind of like, like period of time where it acts.

And then like after that they opened the city back up and they just pull all the dead out and everyone dies. Like it rips through everyone. Everyone turns into demons and then like their metabolism can't handle it and then it burns them out. So when they went back in, he was the only one still alive. Hmm. Wow. So that was, everyone was like, he's chosen. Uh, and he, the story is that he had to kill his own family to survive. Damn. Yeah.

So he's got a reputation as like a no nonsense does what needs to be done sort of warrior. Yeah. Cool. And he's like really hot. He's probably older now. Like I said, well, no, I mean like, but he's, so he's got like, so actually maybe he, you see him come out onto the deck. Yeah. While you're watching through the, the fans and he's this very tall, very like straight backed. Maybe man in his, like he's probably in his fifties or sixties now almost. Oh yeah.

So you see him come out on deck and he's just wearing like the simple like white robe of like the scribes, which you think is unusual. Uh, but, and he's got this, uh, what do you have a goatee maybe just like a, like a well sculpted kind of long, but just not full on the sides. Yeah. But this like black streaked through with gray and then long gray, like curled hair. Like that sits at his shoulders and he's just walking around on the deck. He's shredded. Oh yeah.

Where it's like, you could see his abs through his tunic, which is not make sense. Yeah. So you see him come out onto the deck and sort of watch the crew working. And part of he's like, Oh my God, that's the torture McCall. Yeah. And the, the shot shifts to a far away shot of the hotel and you can hear tuck scream. Oh my God. I picture him jumping up and like Billy's dangling. He stands up. I never even thought about that, but tuck standing in the window using Billy's hands as a binoculars.

He's just squeaked up against the window. His little tummy's squished. Oh my God. Billy's just being smeared and crushed against the window. He's like, wow, this must be a big deal. We're so fucked. Oh my God. We're so fucked. And it's awesome. This guy wants, he killed six basilisks in a night alone. Whoa. Yeah. You didn't see it. No, these are just stories. Wow. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Basilisks are endangered species. Because of the torture of McCall. What's a basilisk like in this world?

It's a huge fucking snake. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. It's a big ass snake. Yeah. Do they do the stone thing where they turn? They turn people to stone? They turn them into, it can be stone, but it can be other hard materials like quartz or opal, gold. Depends on the place of origin of the basilisk. Exactly. Okay. There have been, you know, like ice even. I was thinking ice. Yeah. Ooh, daddy like. You know, because there's, basilisks exist everywhere, but the subspecies are, are dwindling. Yeah.

Numerous, but the amounts of them are dwindling. They're, they're deadly, but the reproductive cycle is so long. If you kill one, it really affects the population. Like pandas. And the, yeah. And the basilisk can, the female can only give birth once. To one offspring. Wow. Uh, I realize, like just dooms them to extinction anyway. Yeah. You, you will never get more basilisks than you have in the world. But the reason for that is because they didn't evolve in this part of the world. Oh yeah.

Like they're from the outer dark. Oh, okay. So you end up with more slipping into the world through the cracks in the broken shores. Okay, cool. Yeah, man, I really like basilisks now. That's cool as hell. Uh, great. Yeah. And so that is what, you know, the light guard has arrived. You kind of know what their next steps are going to be. You know that the torch of McCall is here, which tuck, you would guess means that this is maybe even bigger than you initially thought.

Cause if he came all the way here, there's gotta be a reason. Or maybe he's just, you know, in the twilight of his career. Yeah. Going to crystal Bay. Yeah. Like, okay, cool. Yeah. I'll take a milk run. Yeah. Head out to the resort town. Coronet. It's in town. Beautiful. And so that's where it is. What's your plan now? We need to find Allison quick. We do, but we do have to make a plan to how to get the ship, right? Yeah. Okay. We don't find out where it is. Well, how about this?

Let's talk about the plan right now. Like make it pretty simple. Like we usually do. Right. So Billy goes and stands over the map and he's like, this is a, this is a map. And this is the ocean part. He's pointing at land. Yeah. And he's like, so the ship probably goes over here. Over there. Okay. You're doing a great job, but thank you. And they got trapped and, and we got to get back out. I like that Billy is at the absolute limit of his ability to pull.

She did mention that it's not so much impounded as it was like confiscated by the militia, like the customs. So it's probably just in the docks. Okay. And it's probably got guards on it. Okay. Let's go ask the front desk clerk where the customs is. Yes. Are you coming? Are you staying? I'll stay up here. Do you, do you, is there anything that you imagine you might need me for? Can you find Alison and try and get her back to the hotel? Tell her that the light guard is here. Oh, sure.

Yeah, absolutely. Can do, can do. I'll see you later. And he, he heads out. Is Mears going with him or he's staying with us? Uh, I'm going to stay here. I'll, I'll, I'll be like base camp. I see that Mears had a book and I'm like, I think he's looking at Burgum berries. I just have some ideas that I think I'd like to work out. Mears is not going to work. Billy, Billy says this from the bathroom. I think that was the last one. You guys, let's hope so. Uh, yeah.

So, so you head down to the front desk. Yeah. And we were just like, where's, where's customs? Oh, like the customs office. Yeah. Uh, you will find that on the edge of Peter 49, Peter 49. You can go check out peer 49. There's a little office right there at the end. And that'll be the customs house. All right, cool. Do they sell churros? Uh, I'm sure you can find one on the way. All right. Okay. And you head through the center of town. So there is the stage, the DeSom Creek theater society stage.

And, uh, you see some people standing around for like a late night show. Although I guess they're all late night shows cause it's been sunset for so long, but there seems to be another show going on right now. People are pretty excited about it. We stopped for a second. Can we watch this for a sec? I mean, I think we should probably, we keep going, but like we can watch like two minutes of it. Okay. Two minutes tops just until the commercial break. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Uh, well here's the thing is you start watching the show and you're like, this doesn't even seem like it's the same play. Like this seems like it's a different story altogether. You see a person on another person's shoulders and one of them's like holding an ax, like the person on the top is holding an ax. And there's a little halfling who's like older than Billy, but is like got the cape on and has two knives. And there's a bunch of people dressed as like crystal Bay pirate.

And they're sort of like scrapping it out on deck. It's a big fight scene. And it looks like it's going against all of the, the, the ax person and the halfling and this other person that's like got a bunch of furs in a cape over them. I lean over. I'm like that ax person. It looks like he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. And I'm so scared. I'm like, I have no idea how this is going to turn out.

And the person in the cape goes like, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, And they throw the cape off and they have like two sticks with like cloth attached to them. Oh my God. What a freak. And there's a big painting of like a monster, like a huge, huge, like furry creature with wings and antlers and claws. And he's like, yeah. And you hear the piercing going. I did not see that coming. And all the people in the pirate costumes go, ah, and they all run off stage.

And then the person dressed as the halfling, whips a knife at one of them and it bops them on the head. You see, it's made out of like balsa wood and the person falls down and they go, hooray. And the crowd goes, yeah. Oh my God. We're all clapping. Yeah. And the people bow and the person drops the monster cape and they all bow.

And the person on the bottom of the two stack people with the ax is like, as they bow, you can see like massive ab muscles flexing as they try to keep the person on top of them on. When they bow, they're like, Oh, I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. When they bow, there's somebody standing behind me. Brought to you by bubbly, no calories, no sweeteners, just smile. Uh, and jaunter comes out as the people bow off and they're like, thank you. Thank you.

Thank you for joining us for the premiere of our brand new play. The heroes of tomorrow. We're very excited to bring you this story and we hope that you'll, you'll join us for episode two tomorrow. Thank you very much. Have a great night. What time is your play? It's at 6 PM. Oh, I can't wait to see what happens next. Let's go to the customs house. Yeah. Fucking idiots. And so you head down to the customs house and you realize that, that, yeah.

So as you're passing through various parts of the town, the seems like the party's kind of picking up. There's more and more people. It seems arriving to crystal bay as time goes on. There's more bands striking. There's more people coming in. There's more people coming in. There's more people coming in. There's more bands striking up. There's a lot more booths and stands, people selling goods and services and souvenirs and all that. Is there a pizza cone shop? I'm kind of pecking. Yeah.

There's a place that just makes bread bowls full of like a tomato stew. I grab one of those. All right. Yeah. One coin. Okay. Ving. I got this. Sorry, bubby. I'm looking at the counter at the cart. You want a pizza cone? Yeah. All right. What else do you have? We have a beef stew cone. We have a noodle cone. Chicken churros. Chicken churro cone. Okay. Basically, any food that you want in a cone, I will take and I will put in a cone. Wait, what's this thing?

I pointed at a sign that says ice cream cone. I've never seen this before. Oh, you're going to be excited. That's a prototype that I've been working on. You take a bunch of milk from whatever animal you can find it. You throw a bunch of ice cubes in there. Yeah. You put them in there for a little bit and you just throw them in a bread bowl. It takes some time to get used to, but once you do, never going back. Okay. I have four of those. Four. Billy, maybe just start with one. Yeah. All right.

Yeah. That'll be four corns, I guess. Ving, please. I mean, yeah. We are fucking terrible at setting boundaries with our kids. There's no sugar in these, is there? Oh, there's a lot of sugar. Oh, there's almost an inadvisable amount of sugar, but it's the only thing that makes the ice palatable. We'll have two salad cones too, please. Okay. Just get some roughage. I mean, the roughage is also covered in a lot of sugar. Wait, is there sugar in the pizza cone? I hold up the pizza cone. Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God. Okay, whatever. Lots of sugar. Fuck. Food cart food sucks. I got a good connection with a sugar guy. Oh, yeah. I'm going to have to go get some sugar. I'm going to have to go get some sugar. I'm going to have to go get some sugar. I'm going to have to go get some sugar. I'm going to have to go get some sugar. I got to put it somewhere. I got too much sugar. My wife was like, you got to get some of this out of the house. Take your sugar elsewhere, baby. It's just in your house?

Oh, yeah. Just a bunch of loose sugar. The guy that brought it to me, he just had it in a big cart and he just dumped it through my window. And you know how it is. No. Oh, well, you will. You ever get into sugar business. All right. So how much is that? Oh, what'd you get? You got the pizza cone. Yeah. Got three ice cream cone. You got a… A salad cone. Two salad cones. Oh, you got four ice cream cones. So one more. Three is enough. Okay, fine. Three. Okay. Anything for you, Gil boy?

No, I'll have a salad cone. All right. That's six, I guess. Great. Six coins. Thank you. Hey, thank you. Billy eats all the salad cone… All the cones in five minutes flat. An incredible achievement to be sure. All right. So we head to the customs house. Okay, great. So you see the customs place. You get there. You see a long, long one floor building that's right along the edge of the boardwalk where all the docks… What? That's ugly. So? I like it to be tall and skinny. What?

I'm tired of flat, boring buildings. What flat, boring… Crystal Bay is rocky and small. We have to have it long and skinny like a good old customs house. So beautiful. Way better. Where would they keep the… Where would they keep the… The… The… The… The… The… The… The… The… The… The… The… The… The… The… The… The… The…

Like it's on rocks so they've opened up under the rocks like caves not a bad idea I can't believe I'm being overruled on architecture now because that was lame okay it's 150 feet tall straight up five feet wide it's a bunch of crates stacked on top of each other make it pretty oh my god I don't want to play in an ugly thing it's just a building I know all right it's what it's a two floor house it's four okay billy discerns realities oh my god wow yeah this is how we can overrule this is what sugar bowls all right I discern realities with yeah billy's cranky because the ice cream yes so much wisdom with wisdom so I get eight which means I succeed you get one question I don't need to ask questions so billy one second billy will ask a question after so billy's looking around and he's like I suppose this is the custom house and it's a building that is four stories tall and made of stone and there's beautiful windows and lampposts made of the crystal and stairs that lead up to double doors made of wood and inlaid with crystal cutouts you and above it says custom house and my question is what here is not what it appears to be my authority is a gm no and then this is what you tell us what the caves oh I just get totally took over yeah sorry yep are you but she shook her head no uh this is cool though because it like they like because it's a port town the customs like facilities would be really good because so much is coming in and going out and it's a lot of like high value stuff totally so like maybe there's like a customs master who like his office is on the top floor of this and he like is he look look there's uh what are they called telescope thingies periscopes by glasses there's periscopes telescopes and spy glasses everywhere everywhere yeah that's what the crystal inlets are the windows they're actually magnifying so you can just stand in front of it and look out oh yeah and they're like scribes that line the walls and they watch every direction and they're like oh I can see the wind's pleasure coming in yeah yeah and there's a picture of the old custom house the ugly long building sitting along the shore you dipshit there to remind them of what never to do again there's a plaque underneath about the tragic, terrible architectural history of Crystal Bay before the beautiful, intelligent architect who redesigned the customs building came in.

Just about how everything looked like a fucking piece of shit. This is all written. Yeah, and right underneath that, it continues that now the new customs house makes it much more complicated and much more involved for anyone to get in to find anything specific and to get the same thing out again without being recognized. Who cares? This town is about style, not content. It says at the bottom of this that the old engineer killed himself while shitting himself to death.

Alright, so that's what you find. One person can't do it. Wait, you didn't answer what here is what? What? What here is not what it appears to be. This doesn't look like a fucking customs house at all. This is a palace. It's a 1D facade. One dimensional facade. And the wind blows and it falls down. Revealing a long, boring building. I quit. No, no, no. She threw her headphones off. She threw her ring off. Oh no, she's divorcing me. Okay, yeah, so that's the customs house. What?

What here is not what it appears to be. Wait, hold on, before you answer that. Would it be better to ask what here is useful or valuable to me to try and find a way in and out? Okay, never mind. So what here is not what… Jesus Christ, you're so cranky since you ate that imaginary ice cream. I'm sorry. Out of control. So what here is not what it appears to be is in the flagstones of the street you see inlaid like thick crystal panels. Oh yeah.

And a couple of them you see lights glittering from underneath and you realize that that probably means that there are storage rooms beneath the street. Oh, sick. Subterranean. So that means that this customs house, because you're like, that doesn't seem like it's big enough to handle all the cargo that would be coming in and out of the city. And you're like, oh, it's because it's underneath us. So guys, do you think we could maybe pop out one of these crystals and slide on in? Yeah, maybe.

How much cover do we have from the guards up front of the customs house? None. It's right in front of you. You're staring at the customs house. This is on like, it's the boardwalk. Pretty busy section of the city as well. Because it's like, there's lots of bars. There's a lot of like really rough busy bars because the sailors come in. They hit these bars. It's a lot of people that haven't been on shore for a while. Plus it's the Coroneta. So there's just a lot of activity. It stinks down here.

Yeah, but all of this activity might make this the perfect situation to cause a distraction. What if we pretend to be sailors? Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah. What's the plan here? I realized that we didn't actually talk about what your guys' plan was. We haven't come up with one. Okay. Is the aimless wanderer here? You have no idea where it is. But there's probably a registry. Yeah, a registry of ships in the customs house for things that have come in and out of dock.

So we need to see that registry. We need to find out where the aimless wanderer is. We also need to know how heavily guarded it is. Or we can probably figure that out when we get there. That's usually our plan, right? We just show up and we're like, this is a lot more than we expected. We'll be right back, guys. We tell them we're coming back. Don't nobody go nowhere. Okay, just everyone hands up who has experienced sailing. No hands go up. Oh, except Ving slowly raise.

Wait, you know how to sail? Do they sail in the frozen north or on the shores of the Great Forest? I mean, it's ice sailing, but I think it's kind of the same thing. Okay. What's ice sailing? It's a boat and it has big blades on the bottom and you use the thing on the frozen thing and you whip around. We have races, ice races. That's awesome. Did you ever compete in ice racing? Yes. Did you win? No. But I didn't want to win. You won in spirit though. Yes, I sure did. Nice.

Was Ving like so good at ice racing, but like he would lose in an act of rebellion? Yeah. Oh my god. Ving is the coolest. Elves are known for being really good at that. But he, you know, he fights off all his elfdom. He's a self loathing elf. Would he do a thing? Where he like beats all the elves to the finish line and then he stops before the finish line and just gets out and walks away while everyone else crosses it? Yeah. In the opposite direction? Yeah. Nope. He never did that.

That was a really cool idea though. Yeah, this is a conversation that we're all having. I really like ice racing and I really like that Ving has this like past as an ice racer in the frozen north. That's so cool. Spoiled brat foppish part of his like youth. That's a cool idea for a spelt Lorigins. Yes! Oh my god, can we? Yeah, we should do. Maybe that could be this year's Christmas episode. So we know our plan, right? Yeah. I don't. Get into the customs house.

We're gonna get into the customs house, try and find the registry and find… Sorry? We're pretending to be sailors. Yeah, we're pretending to be sailors. We're gonna get in, pretend to need to use the registry and then like just look up where the homeless wanderers. Okay, so you're walking right through the front door. That's your plan? I'm gonna stay behind. Okay. Yeah. Just in case. Stay guard? Yeah. And also just to take in the sights. Yeah, we need a man on the other side. Yeah. Okay.

So Tuck and Ving walk up to the front door. Ahoy, matey! Hello. Ahoy, matey. I, I… Ahoy, matey. And there's two guards with like spears standing at the front like business and pleasure to meet you. State your business. Oh, um, yes. They look at each other like, oh my god. We too are sailors. And we need to put our ship into the registry. Have you come into port? Yes. Yeah. Alright. Head in. Head down the hall. Second door on the right. Thank you very much. Cool spears. Thank you. Yeah.

I like your pantaloons. Thank you. What's the name of that little hat you got there? It's a tri-corner. Because it's got tri-corners. It looks really good on you. You not so much. Head inside, please. Okay. And you do and it's a very, uh… Bye-bye. Goodbye. Please go in. Okay. Yeah, we're going. You head through the doors and it's a very beautiful, like… Just one quick… Sorry, just… Which way is the bathroom? Sorry. The privy is for employees only. Okay. Sorry. The what? The privy.

The what? The privy. One more time. Okay. It's a hole. On the ground, it goes into the water. Okay. Gross. Okay. And you can't use it. Okay. Employees only. Okay. Go inside. Bye. Bye. And you go inside and it's this, like, really nice, like, burnished wood hallway. Are you guys hiring? I have to pee so bad. Mmm. As you… You go to walk in and you turn around and say one more thing and you're just staring at the tip of a spear. Yep. Enough said. Yeah. Got it? Cool. Hallway. Second on the right.

A nice, beautiful wood hallway. Old fixtures with crystal lamps inside and there's various lovingly rendered paintings of a long, one-storied wooden building. There's a mock-up under a plexiglass, you know, like a little diorama of the old building. But they put it in a toilet as a symbol of what is past and what should never pass again. Small flames coming up. It says, burn in hell, old building. You see a little diorama, like, off to the corner, a little diorama of a family.

There's, like, there's a man and a woman and three children and they're both standing next to the building as it burns and they have their hands on their faces and there's a little thing underneath that says, the original architect of this building, Luger Feffman, was ruined following the destruction of his former building. He was never hired again as an architect and his family died destitute. Oh, man. Jessica's so proud of herself.

And you continue down and are you going to the second door on the right or are you fucking around in here? Well, the second door on the right's where the registry is, right? Let's go to the registry first. Yeah, let's go to the registry. You might have to fuck around. And then we'll fuck around after. Alright. And you go in and there's a… Ahoy! Hi. There's a man. Ahoy. There's a woman with little spectacles, like tiny little spectacles pinched on her nose like Pinch Nez.

And she's writing in this huge book. She's got a big crazy, feather that's like… It's actually… You notice it looks like a very downy thunderbird feather. It's from their under feathers. It's a lighter gray, like a rain cloud instead of a thunderstorm cloud. And it's just like billowing. It shimmers. She's very proud of it, you can tell. Every once in a while, you'll see like a little bit of static crackle down it. Fuck yeah. Yeah. Just static. Yeah. So cool.

And she's writing and she says, Hello! Welcome to the Crystal Bay Customs House. What can I do for you? Hi there. We just came into port. We need to register our vessel, please. Ah, very good. And she flips open to a new page and she says, Name of vessel? Colonel Mustard. She writes down Colonel Mustard. Purpose of visit? We're here for… We're bringing in… Fine mustards. Yes. Fine mustards. Mustard wasps. Mustard wasps. Who those are? We're gonna have to figure that out.

They're a non-indigenous species. If any mustard wasps were to escape your cargo hold… Sorry, they've been blended already. Ah, very good. Very good. She writes down mustard wasps and then in brackets, blended. She says, Duration of stay? A fortnight. Ah, one fortnight. Yeah. Very good. And now I will just need you to apply your signatures here and here. Okay. She spins it around, holds the book to the… The side and kind of pushes it forward. And I sign Gerbo Willies.

I grab the feather and get like a flashback. Yeah. What does he see? What does he see? My hair swells up a little bit. A little crackle in my hair. So, I'll ask you. What do you see? I see an epic battle. Whoa. A big battle. Talons clashing in huge clashes. In huge thunderous… Oh my god. Clashes of clash. Spinning thunderbirds through the sky. Causing a tornado with lightning. Boom, boom, boom. And feathers everywhere. And this one after they like shoot across the sky.

Streaking this big tornado. Then there's a big downy feather falling down onto the beach. And a woman coming and picking it up. Fucking cool. Wow. Wow. It's like the end. The end of the beginning of Forrest Gump. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. He's got those goosebumps. Abdul might be sick actually. Oh, Jessica's got some goosebumps please too. Just one. You got goosebumps? Yeah, I got goosebumps. Cool. I feel the prickles though. Fuck yeah.

Your vision flashes back and you're staring into the eyes of this middle-aged woman. And in his eyes you can see like little crackles. Little dark specks in my retinas. Oh. Yeah, and you've kind of got that after-image after like looking at a bolt of lightning. Yeah. Yeah. So what do you sign? Oh yeah. Uh, Jeffrey Tambor. . Pretty good. Captain. And then he goes back and goes, Captain. Captain Jeffrey Tambor. Yeah. Wonderful. Star of stage and screen, Jeffrey Tambor.

Captain of the Colonel Mustard. . She says, very good. Thank you very much. Now the only matter is of course the docking fee. Oh, okay. We were told that we could waive it if we promised a portion of our earnings. To whom? Uh, the customs master, of course. You are speaking to the customs master. Hey. Hello. What is your name? My name is Madame Pufferton. Oh. . What's your name? . Ah, yes. So. . Yes. The mortgage fees. Right. The duration of stay is a fortnight. Mm-hmm. Which is 14 days.

And the mortgage fee is five coins per day. Okay. That's. . 70 coins. 70 coins. . I. Can we. . Can we stay for like two days? Can we change it? . Can we stay for two days? The Colonel Mustard would be ejected from port at the end of those days. That's fine. Great. We'll find out. On threat of impounding. Great. Wonderful. Where do you guys impound your ships? Uh, we send security personnel to secure the personnel. And then we move the ships eventually when we have time. Yes.

To the customs dock, of course. That's Pier 49? Ah, yes. Okay, cool. Who's it? Just that dock out there, Don? Yes, just behind me. The impound dock right there? Well, yeah. Vink, do you want to pay for two days? And then. . Yeah. Two. We'll just try and offload everything in two days. It's being a nickname of sorts. Oh. Yeah. It's like, sir. It's a. . You use a multiple personality disorder. All right. It's a. . Y'all motherfuckers got to roll.

Because you have been lying so much to fight Intra Charisma. Seven. Eight. Eight. Okay. She goes, ah, I believe I've become to understand. . I believe I've become to understand. . The situation. I am not. . First dealing with smugglers and criminals. I just think there needs to be something in it for old Madam Pufferton. I would be willing, of course, to waive the mortgage fee or any investigation of your so-called mustard wasps. Tuck just. . He like exhales. He's like, ah.

And he pulls his pants down. . Oh, please. . I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, my. . Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my.

Oh my god this is christ wait this is a distraction okay I like for ving yeah this is a distraction because we want to look through the uh the registry book and just get like the location of the aimless which dock it's on and like yeah like where its cargo is and which dock it's on yeah yeah so what you think happens here I want to roll to distract her with this enough so that ving can like surreptitiously like whip through the book and get the information we need okay instead of just like being like we'll be right back and then looking yourself this is what I chose billy's outside with his binoculars like there it is oh yeah actually let's cut back while talk is like okay we cut back to billy billy's on the street what's billy up to billy's on the street what's billy up to billy's on the street what's billy up to billy has uh wedged out the crystal piece from the sidewalk because he's small and no one notices him yeah you are gonna have to roll to like make it work though yeah um what do we think this would be I guess maybe tricks of the trade yeah um so billy pulls out his beautiful blue blanket uh-huh um and just drapes it over himself oh right you have a camouflage thing yeah right okay yeah so he's just camouflaged just like a little lump of rock uh and yeah so two d6 plus dexterity I think for tricks of the trade to cut out a proper section oh whoa holy shit I got of course as usual I got 13 points wow and so arrogant today I know I love it no I love it it's a new energy being brought to fat billy and so what billy does is he uses like the little the pick in his hair and with his little fingers he wedges the the crystal out of the sidewalk and he just squeezes himself in he's like and it pops back down he shits while it's happening yeah a little bit but it's just it's small and it's just in his underwear so it's fine yeah that's where that shit goes and uh the crystal piece just plops back into place so then billy pops out underneath this crystal panel and he lands on a wooden crate yeah um it's a big pile that I'm on and yes look around it's a big warehouse full of crates bottles casks and I climb down is there anyone in the room you hear like boot steps but there's no one nearby you can see like the light from torches and lanterns in various parts of this very wide open room it's got pillars spaced out evenly to keep the roof up yeah and there's people down here I was thinking the goods are kind of like collected together with banding around them with the name of the ship oh yeah can I tell you what I imagined the warehouse was like it was like a huge warehouse and I was like oh yeah it's a huge warehouse to look like yeah of course so um the warehouses are all in a line and it's just along the shoreline so the ship unloads directly into the warehouse and there's like yeah it looks like a squat flat like long building made of a boring brown wood they've carved each room took a lot of work they really could have done it cheaper but they carved each warehouse room out of the rock yeah and have left the warehouse and they've carved the warehouse a wide ledge for cargo and people to walk and it is not a flat building it is a beautifully crafted as if dwarves did it themselves they call it a warehouse I like that just this jessica is using her like superior like visual imagination to flex on us so hard I'm flexing really hard yeah I do like the idea that the ships can just back in to like right against the opening of the warehouse that's a cool idea um so uh yeah billy's looking around he can't read anything um so he's just like I don't know what any of this is so he he's remembering the letters he remembers rub-a-dub-dub in the tub of love and he's trying to find like those letters and other things and he's like peeking in and he sees stuff yeah you're gonna have to roll to find the crate because this is a big warehouse so this will be a discern realities probably all right he's like me me me 26 he fails it's six oh boy um well you mark a point of experience for failing and uh you are standing in front of this box being like cut like trying focusing so hard on reading like m e okay I know what those two are you realize that you're so focused and then right behind you there's torchlight you turn around and there's this like jackbooted dude that's just like what are you doing down here and he grabs you oh no it's jackboot you've just run a file of customs officer jackboot so stupid uh yeah and then cut to uh tuck in ving ving jumps behind the counter and covers her eyes and he's like tuck what are you doing pull your pants up and is reading over his shoulder looking at the registry okay yeah tuck was gonna roll to distract oh yeah so that'll be the role and if he can pull off the distraction then you can pull off finding the register pull off his pants so this is what they're around my ankles right now Defy danger.

He's just whipping it around like a lasso. Sorry, everyone. I'm apologizing to our listeners. This is foul, what I'm doing. Foul. But yet, I do it still. It's because it makes sense to the character, everybody. That you created. Six plus. Charisma. So, seven, eight. Okay, so here's what happens. Fing jumps behind the counter and covers the madam's eyes. Yes. He goes like, I'm so sorry about my friend. I can't believe that he's doing this. And you're peeking at the registry.

She's looking through the crystal hand. Yeah, exactly. Ooh, la la. And you do see the name of a ship called the Aimless Wanderer. And you see it said, Pier 49, Dock 13. And then it was crossed out. And right next to it, now it says, for auction. It said that it was in the pier, but now it's apparently been moved to some sort of auction facility. Okay. Yeah. He takes a hand. Pull your pants up. For cripes sakes. I pull my pants up. She's a woman, a madam. I'm sorry.

I thought that was what you were hinting at, that you wanted from me. The Mechalees have a heck of a barter system. I never. I am merely a corrupt customs official. I'm not a monster. You are most certainly not. Now, I must insist that you either pay me my required bribe, or you get out of here. Yes, of course. Get out of my face. Okay. Well, okay. Okay, here. Here's your bribe. Okay. And our ship is in I'll repair. It is hardly a sound vessel.

Do you know, is there an auction, a ship auction around here? Do you have, as he's counting through the money and handing her the money? Yeah. So how much, how much you giving her? What was it? 10 coins. 10. For two days. Yeah, for two days. And she says, well, I mean, this bag is feeling a little light. Perhaps for. Okay. A docket or two. Two more. I could give you the information. Would you take two more coins? These are gold. That is true. All of the money is gold.

Clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink. Yeah. All money in the principalities we've established is made of gold. Oh, my God. That's it. Don't. That's my bribe. Get it out of your filthy mouth. She says, yes, okay. Well, I shouldn't be telling you this, but as I am corrupt, there's an auction tomorrow at 12 noon. 12 noon for various vessels that have been confiscated by the militia over the last fortnight or so.

We will be making back some of the money that we have lost having to staff this place constantly due to the duration of the sunset. Okay. Is there a place we can go and check out the vessels before the auction? The vessels? Like a show area? A viewing. Yeah, a viewing area? Yes. That could. I suppose you could go look if you'd like, but they are under incredibly stiff guard. How stiff are they right now? Yes. He says, leaning on the counter.

She winks at you and says, I don't think I have to tell you. She says, the auction house can be found at the other end of the bay at Pier 1. Imports. Perfect. Now, please leave. Sure. Can I use the head for a second? Get out. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. And you guys head back outside. Well, as we're going out, we're just trying different doors to see which one is the bathroom. Because we've been blocked enough times that we're like, what are they hiding in there? These people are corrupt as fuck.

Yeah, the bathroom's got to be like some magic place. Oh, here it is. It's just a hole, and it goes right down into the water. And we're like, hello! And we cut to Billy and the customs officer. And we cut to Billy and the customs officer that has him by his cape. And he's like, what are you doing down here, you little rascal? We don't take too kindly to thieves in Crystal Bay. And you hear from basically right behind you, there's an opening that goes to the ships that usually back in.

And you hear Tuck and Ving going, hello! And I think that's where we're going to end it for this week. My name is Sean O'Hara. I've been your Game Master. With me, as always, playing Tacoma Dome, the Barbarian Abdulaziz. Goodbye. Playing Ving, the Half-Elf Druid. Paul Oppers. Bye-bye. Playing Fat Big. And Billy, the Halfling Thief. Jessica Tai. Bye-bye. Thanks to Aaron Reed for our intro and outro music. Thanks to Wes for all the technical work. Thanks to Abdul for editing.

Thanks to our Patreon supporters for supporting us on Patreon. You can find us at patreon.com slash speltlore or speltlore.com slash money, please. And thank you to Adam Coble and Saves Latour for creating Dungeon World for us to play. You can find that online by searching Dungeon World. And thank you so much to all of you for listening. We'll see you next time. And so ends the tale of Adventures Three, who tried the best they can.

Though dumb and scared and lost they be, for time's abreast in revelry. And though our journey may be like a conclusion, we will not leave you without a reason. We'll return next week to hear some more. Whilst you commute or do your chores, and for you I gladly Spout Lore.