Episode 10 – The Best Pirate I’ve Ever Seen

Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers half-elf, he shifts his shape and wields a spear with great might Peely's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends, and listen close For the tale's about to start Nice job.

Welcome everybody, welcome to Spout Lore. I'm your game-master, Tim. I'm your game-master, Sean O'Hara. And it's a beautiful November morning. With me as always, playing Tacoma Dome, the barbarian Abdulaziz. Hello. Playing Ving, the half-elf druid, Paul Oppers. Hello. Playing Fat Biddley, the halfling thief, Jessica Tai. Hello.

When last we left our heroes, they had infiltrated the customs house of Crystal Bay at the behest of Ruby Tunesday, pirate queen of the Sea of Graves, or so she has led you to believe. While looking for the box of cosmetics that the pirates had asked you to recover from, Billy was caught by the scruff of his neck by customs official that we had decided was named Jack Boot, a very classic lantern-jawed, British sort of tri-corner hat guy with a long coat and a stubbly chin.

And he has a love of Harlequin novels. It's a secret that he keeps. Many people do in this reality, it would appear. It feels like they're the only books that exist. There's one person that figured out printing, and he's a real man. He's a real man. They figured out printing, and they only print their own erotica. Yeah. A magazine in novel form. Yeah. Mud affairs and that. Yeah. The person just makes as much erotica and pornography as they possibly can, and no one can stop them.

They make three things. Mud affairs, Golf Digest. Also porn. There's a cooking magazine. There's some porn in there. There's also porn. And then, yeah, the Harlequin novel, the Love and Lust series. And Lust Unbound. And Lust Unbound. There's a sequel of which, hopefully coming soon. We can only pray. And Ving and Tuck had been in the Customs House, which is one of the most beautiful structures in all of Crystal Bay. Gorgeous. I'm sure we can assure. Thank you.

On the former site of a bulldozed piece of shit building. From the Soviet era. From the Soviet era. Classic, brutalist Soviet architecture. Ugly, but culturally significant. H widz. Barely significant. There was literally no pushback on getting rid of the old building. None of you came to my aid in any way. They tore it down because of how many suicides happened inside of it. Like, whoa, God, people keep coming here.

And I don't know if they're killing themselves in here because it's convenient or the building makes them kill themselves. We got to build something better. You know what? Now that I think about it, it might have been haunted. And upon leaving and bribing the customs administrator, Madam Pufferton, they had been told that the bathroom was for employees only. And on their way out, broke into the bathroom, finding a hole that goes right into the ocean, through which they started screaming hello.

And Billy was alerted to the presence of his friends, at least somewhat nearby. And that is where we find ourselves now, is Billy hanging by the scruff of his neck. In front of the face of a furious customs official and Ving and Tuck screaming into a toilet. Billy, what do you do? Let me go, sir. I am. I am. The mayor. The mayor. Standard. He's panicking. Are you going to? Is Billy going to actually try and convince him that he's the mayor? All right. 2D6 has charisma. Old faithful. Oh, my God.

Not bad. I got nine. So he does not believe you're the mayor. He knows who the mayor is. He just is like, what are you doing in here, you little scoundrel? I know you're not the mayor. Are you lost? Where are your parents at? Yeah. Sorry for the lie. I just I didn't know what to say. Yes, I am lost. And I my parents, they went to they went to go look for their ship. I'm taking you to the security. I'm going to the security office. Oh, please. Just let me out.

He starts taking you up like that's the that's the seven to nine is he's not going to like fight you. I start kicking around a bunch. Okay. And screaming. Uh huh. Ving and tuck through the hole in the toilet. You hear what is Billy screaming? Let me go. This is indignant. I am being manhandled. And is Billy trying to escape? Sure. Rolling to scream. I don't know. I was rolling for my kicks. Yeah. My kicking. Is that a thing that I can do? Yeah, totally. I think that makes more sense.

Seven to nine is not enough to get out of Jack boots. Iron grip. That's fine. But Ving and tuck. You do hear Billy screaming for help. Is that Billy? That sounds like Billy. Why is Billy in a toilet? Does it matter? No, it doesn't. And I so I take the axe off my back and I like start smashing through the floor of the of the toilet. And I'm like, this is probably why it's for employees. Oh, my God. Okay. Five is your strike. 13.

So, yeah, you swing back and it's like a wood box, basically, with a hole in it. And just one swing crushes a huge hole. And now you're on a like one foot wide strip of floor and there's just a hole into the ocean. The bits of board fall into the waves and splash, splash, splash. And there's a bowl full of mints. And I take those. I take all of my jam in my pocket. What pocket? My butt. The only pocket that the Lord gave me. And what do you just jump in? Yeah. Hopefully the tides in.

Oh, get roll me one of those D sixes. One to three. It's in four to six. It's out. Four. It's out. Damn it. We landed on a pile of shit like mud and garbage and stuff. Yeah. But it's not too far. The ship pile would be pretty soft. Yeah, that's true. It's a soft little pile of shit. Soft. So Billy Jack boot is like dragging you bodily through the warehouse and you see as you swing like you're spinning around because he's holding you by a strip of fabric.

And as you swing to look towards the ocean out one of the stone archway openings, you just see tuck and fall. And you hear smash. I landed in a bunch of shit. It smells like people have been eating only pizza. It's cold. It's very soft. Still too soft. This shit did not break my landing. Jack goes, what in the dickens was that? Yeah, we should go investigate. Let's go. Let's go, Jack. Billy and Jack all the way. Classic Billy Jack adventure coming up here.

He's still holding Billy, but Billy's like walking in the air. Like when you bring a dog to a bath and the dog starts paddling. Yes. Walk faster. He pulls a handkerchief out of his pocket and shoves it in your mouth. That's enough. I don't give you a little scoundrel. I spit it out immediately. Go fuck you. What a little shit. Billy's a real problem for anybody. That's not the two of you. It's definitely the sugar. Yeah, I had a lot of stuff for ice cream. Yeah. So you hear Billy and a deep.

Scratchy voice from above you. Not too high. Maybe like eight to ten feet above. There's like a ledge of stone, but you do hear Billy's voice. What do you guys do? I'm going to jump up on the ledge covered in shit. Okay. Two to six plus strength for experience. Six. I have like shit boots on. They're heavier than I thought. Yeah. All my marinos covered in poop. Are you going to eat him? No, I think because Tuck would be jumping at the same time. Okay. Yeah. So great.

I see a one and then the other one fell on the ground. So three sick. My strength is two. So that's six. Wow. It's almost like if one of you might have aided the other one that both of you would have been in a better spot instead of both perfectly failing. Okay. I think what happens is you both like you jump. You slam into the wall. Then you hit the ground and Tuck is like scrambling up the wall. Like, like his little booted feet are like trying to get a foothold.

And it's just a fucking three stooges as slapstick routine as like Tuck tries to step and steps on things face and pushes himself up and being slips. And you do eventually get up over the edge. You haul yourselves into the warehouse. And as you're like, okay, we did it. You look up and you're looking right at the point of a sword. And this huge, like barrel chested guy in a long coat and a very like naval officer looking outfit with a tri-corner hat is holding Billy by the scruff of his neck.

And Billy's kicking his arms and legs. And he just goes, what do we have here? I were looking for the bathroom. We cut to the security office. The three of you are like bound. Well, the two of you, Ving and Tuck are bound to just heavy, wooden chairs that are sort of screwed into the ground with ropes around your wrists and your legs. Billy, you're in like a burlap sack that's cinched around your neck. So your arms and your legs are stuck inside this bag and they just have you on top of a chair.

And there's like a small little barred window that looks out onto the ocean. You can see the beautiful rays of the sunset, the gold and purple of the clouds and the glittering ocean. Probably getting kind of tired of this. Okay. At this point, it sucks. And Jack boot is standing there. He goes, what were you doing in my warehouse? What are you doing here? I work here. I'm a customs officer. I love actually just one moment.

And he knocks on the door and the slat opens and he goes, get Madame Pufferton. And I was going to say the same thing. And a few minutes later, Madame Pufferton walks in and she goes, Captain tumble. What happened? Uh, you denied us the use of the bathroom and look what happened. Yeah. If you think about this, this is on you kind of for having an employees only washroom. Yeah. If you had one for public use, we probably wouldn't have destroyed the employees. Only one. I'd like a comment card.

If you have any, please just like poop dripping off his nose. Tuck has crossed his legs and he's like, honestly, the facility, here, wait, you cross your legs. Your legs were tied. Uh, he breaks. Can I roll? Yeah, totally. Judy six plus strike. Uh, it's seven. It hurts so much. Okay. You cross your legs and you feel the ropes snap. Although you do get some pretty bad rug burn and you take a point of damage. Okay.

I crossed my legs and I'm like, I think the facilities at this customer's house, or you could call them that are a bit below our standards. Well, they are for employees and not for anyone that just wanders in and decides to punch a hole in the side of a building. Also, your security doesn't seem to be up to snuff. He like, you can hear his hand creak on the leather wrapped around the pommel of his cutlass. It says, Madam Pufferton, you've dealt with these fools before.

Oh yes, this is Captain Tambor of the Colonel Mustard. Our young captain, you have a great job. I'm going to go get some food. I'm going to go get some food. I'm going to go get some food. I'm going to go get some food. I'm going to go get some food. I'm going to go get some food. I'm going to go get some food. Our young boy here got away with us. Yeah, he's so curious. Yes, I just wanted to see more. And so I went, I ran away. He's a huge fan of shipping and distribution systems. He's autistic.

And he just wanted to see your warehouse. Someone's going to have to roll something to convince somebody who's leading this. Yeah, sure. That's the worst in line. Seven plus my constitution. Charisma. Charisma. Constitution. Believe. Not lie. Eight. Eight. That is a partial success, also known as a half failure. Oh. Listen, our time is money. We don't have time or money for this. Well, that's interesting because I find that my time is also money. If you get my drift. Jesus. Jesus.

Fucking Christ. What's wrong with you people? You're rich. We're in the industry of international shipping. There's a lot of shady shit that goes on here. Fuck. How much do you want to let us go? He goes, well, let's see. Three would be thieves and smugglers. Thieves? Smugglers would be criminals that could be tried by the justice system of Crystal Bay. We'd be turning a blind eye, wouldn't we, madam? She goes, oh, yes, we would. We would. So what do you say? 20 coins a piece, perhaps?

Oh, I'd say more like 30, my good man. Well, I'm not even a full grown person, so I maybe like, let's do five for me. Well, if you think about it from our point of view, you're but half a person. You're easily four. And you, you're, you're a half a person. You're a half a person. You're a half a person. I assume part elf. Oh, you son of a bitch. But mostly monster, if we're being honest. 30 coins a piece. That's the price. I'm going to say 15 total, not including tax or GST. And that's it.

That's my final offer. No more negotiation from the sack of potatoes. Holy shit. Can you describe the room? It's like 30 by 30. No, that's way too big. Wow. What a palace of a prison we're in. But that makes sense because of how beautiful. There's like Chris. There's like, there's like a light gold toilet. Yeah. Like hand washing station. Yeah. There's a lot of like really fine sculpture work. There's actually a three piece string band in the corner. No, this is like a holding cell.

Like it's what's a reasonable size. I'm bad at judging by 10, eight by 10. So it's pretty cramped because tuck takes up eight to those five, seven by five of that. So it's, you're all kind of just crammed it in these chairs. Like I said, there's one door very heavily barred. There's a small barred window that faces the ocean. Okay. And it's like a torch on the wall. It's not even a lantern. Okay. So, and what are the walls made out of? These walls are made out of stone. Okay.

The carved out of the caves. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So it is in the underground area. Okay. So I go up to the, Oh fuck. They're made out of stone. What a stupid thing I just did. What I want to do is I want to like break out of my bonds and grab my ax and just like smash through the back wall of the building. Okay. Cool. Yeah. Yeah. So we'll make that a defy danger strength. Yeah. Okay. So, Oh boy. 10. Oh my God. Okay. So what you just like snap your ropes, just grab the ax and smash through a wall.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I kind of casually walk over to the table with my ax and I was like, Madam Pufferton, you're a slice. And I fucking suck at this. You are a slice. Is also what I, what Tuck said. And then I just, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, then I just like smash through the back wall, like out to the ocean. How far of a drop is it to the ocean? Well, it's underground. Like it's a, it's on the same level.

So it's like 10 feet. Not bad. Yeah. Not too bad. So there's just a massive hole in the wall and everybody starts moving. Like Jack boot starts drawing his sword. What do you guys do? I grab Billy. So I grabbed the bag, Billy. I kick things chair into Jack boot. In an attempt to make a small jump. Back then. Back then. Back then. Back then. Back then. Back then. Back then. Back then. Back then. Break the chair and free Ving. Oh, I see. Okay. That'll be another Defy Dangerous Strike.

That's a pretty cool move. Using Ving as a weapon to get him out of his bonds. Launch me. Nine. Nine. Cool. Anybody want to aid? I would love to aid. So 2d6 plus one for your bond. Nice. But you have two bond. So that makes it a what? That's a seven. Okay. So you're probably going to take Tuck's damage. Cool. Which is It's a d10. Oh. Easy. One. Small claps from inside the burlap sack. Yay, we did it. And Boot is slammed against the far wall with the door.

The chair shatters into a million pieces of things just laying on the ground on top of him. Fucking sick move, bro. So what do you want? Ving, what do you do? I grab my spear. What other weapons are there? Do we need to Billy's knives and grab the knives. Grab them all. Scoop them all up. Yep. All right. Slap him in the face for me. Somebody slap. Yeah, I'd love to slap him. You greedy son of a bitch. Plus strength for hack and slash, I guess. Eight. Which means that he you deal your damage.

Two. Two. Okay. And he roll a d10. Eight. Eight. Holy shit. Damn. Okay. So you he's like on the ground with his sword in his hand and you grab all the stuff. You slap him in the face. I say for Billy slap and he goes and he punches you right in the face with the like basket hilt on his sword and you feel your nose go. Oh, no, you son of a bitch. I just slapped you open hand. Oh, you people suck. And as he's like, it tastes like nickels.

Getting up off the ground and he's yelling guards, guards, guards. Oh shit. So what do you guys do? Oh, we jump out the back. Yeah. Yeah. And it's not it's not that far a fall. So you hit the ground and you're just running down the shore. I thought it went to the ocean. Yeah, but the tide is out. You're right. Swan dive. That's part of my fail. That's part of that five. So you guys all make a graceful dive out of the side of this room and land in low. He's like holds his nose.

Oh, you're just like like pulling yourselves out of the mud and you can hear guards guards and ding, ding, ding, ding people ringing bells and stuff. We run towards the water to get all the mud and shit off of us and swim away. The only way we can move faster and towards the boats. We need to get out there. Yeah, we have to get to pure one imports. That's where they come in. Yeah. So you guys are swimming in the water. Yeah, that's the plan. Yeah, has been removed from the sack.

Oh, yeah, I got out that pretty easy. Actually. Okay, you just chose not to. It was really comfortable. It would be stuck in the mud too. Yeah. Yeah, we we've been like kind of helping him sleep by putting him in like a sack because otherwise he flails around too much. He wakes himself up. His face with his fingernails. Yeah, we'll sit him into like a little sleeping sack. He'll just sleep in there. What a baby. So you're swimming through the water to the piers trying not to be spotted.

By the guards. Oh, I don't think we're trying not to be spotted. We're just going as fast as we can. Okay. Well, then I won't make that a role if you're just swimming openly through the ocean. Yeah, and we're openly screaming insults back at them. Wow, your shit smells like shit. I don't think your wife loves you anymore. Whoa, you can see Jack stop in a single tear rolls down his eye. The sunlight from the from the sunset glitters off the tears it rolls down his cheek.

So you swim out across the bay and there are piers all over the place so you can climb up whatever pier is nearby. I guess we just go to the closest. Yeah, the closest one is the one closest to the custom cells. We go to the next one. One pier up then just one pier further than that. Okay, so you hear the like slam slam slam of people running all over the piers because this bell is ringing because there was just a prison break. Is there any guards on the piers yet on the docks?

They all started running towards the customs house luckily. So you're swimming through the water. You're obscured by vessels of all shape and size from all manner of port around the world. Like are you basically swimming out to the end of a pier and then getting up? So you're as far away as possible from potential guards. That sounds great. We're trying to hide amongst the boat. Yeah, so you get on this pier. There are boats all over the place.

People are looking around confused because they keep hearing all these bells from the customs house. The guards have all ran run towards the shore to find out what's going on and you're here on a pier. What's your what do you do? Do you guys want to make disguises? Oh, yeah, I actually have disguise. Yeah, that's true. All right. So what's your what's your plan for disguising? What are you disguising yourselves as? So I guess what? There's positive shit all over the pier.

Various materials burlap canvas barrels of stuff. Oh my God, I'll be a barrel. Okay, I'll be a small barrel. Yeah, you find a small barrel. You crack open the top. You pour this kind of gritty black looking dust out of it all over the dock. Oh, yeah, and you've got a tiny little barrel. That's all right. Okay. Yeah, we put Billy in that barrel. I grab a cloak and then I stuff the barrel behind me and then I hunch over and I'm like, I'm a dirty, disgusting pig now. Pretty good, right?

Pretty good. Oh, I took a bunch of that grit gray stuff. Yeah, you took some of the black gritty powder that came out of the barrel. Yeah, threw it in a mason jar. Yeah, mason jars. Big one. Bing is kind of like a hoarder. Yeah. You have useful, awesome stuff. That's what a hoarder says. You have so much trash in these mason jars. It's all useful stuff. Like, look at this. This is a newspaper from November 15th, 1975. This guy looks like my dad. Kind of. That's useful to me.

What does Bing disguise himself as? Can I change myself into a wheelbarrow of dead fish? With shape changing? Absolutely not. There's no situation in which you've ever been able to turn into anything like that. Damn it. I would like to look like I'm a guard. What are they wearing? They're wearing, like, you know, the long coats. The long sort of naval officer coats with the clasps and all that. I found some of those. Alright. I put them on. Yeah, you try to approximate it.

So you've just got a bunch of materials. You drape them all over yourself and you give yourself a long coat hat look. Yeah, okay, so for this, this would be more of a Defy Danger charisma instead of dexterity to get to Pier 1 because you're using… You're using your disguises. So who's leading the disguise? Come with me, you ruffians. Wink, wink. You guys are cool. Wink, wink. Billy's my hunchback. 11. Yeah, perfect. So you're all rushing around as people are rushing around on the piers.

They're all connected in some spots, like side by side, so you sort of like Pac-Man your way through all these piers and docks. Yeah, and as we're walking, I'm like, I'm a disgusting, hunchback. Hello, everybody. And every once in a while, somebody sees you're disgusting, and they're like, oh, God. Don't look at me. My voice is changing a lot because I'm not good at voices. You know what? It wouldn't be so bad how he looked if he didn't smell like that. Oh, God.

Somebody's like, yeah, it's not even his face. It's not even the clothes. It's his face. His face is so disfigured. It's strange. And then I turn to Bing and Billy, and I'm like, do I look that bad right now? You look like you smell horrible. My feelings are really hurt. The smell wafts to somebody as you're walking by, and you hear them go… We all smell really bad, but you do smell pretty bad. You're taking the brunt of it, bud. Let's go back to the spa, and we can get pretty again. Yeah.

That's not a bad idea. Yeah. I'm not ugly, right? To Pier 1. And maybe 10, 15 minutes later, you get to the entrance of Pier 1, and I've scaled back the trying to look ugly, and I'm kind of being really friendly to people and be like, hello. Good to see you today. Somebody's like, wow, what a nice mutant. What the fuck is happening? That's the best you can get. Trust me. Is he like an orc or ogre or something? But you get to the entrance of Pier 1, and it seems like the guards have…

There's like patrols ranging across the docks and the shore and stuff, but Pier 1 is gated, because this is sort of the valuable ship zone. This is where they're moving everything for this auction that you guys heard about. So there's a gate, and there's two guards standing on either side of the gate with their arms crossed. What do you do? I guess we gotta be like, hey, I got this wretched old ship ship right, and he's gonna do some repairs.

Kindly step aside, fellow guards, for we will now conduct our work, which we've been tasked with. I need to hammer some boards into the ship's sides to keep the water from going in. Okay, somebody roll something to convince these guys. 2d6 plus Christmas. Nice. Nine. I could use a hand. Billy, do you want to add? I'm in a barrel. You're in a barrel, yeah. I can't do anything. Okay, so you're aiding? Yeah, I'm trying to really sell that I'm a shipbuilder.

And I'm like, my favorite things are hammers and glue, and then when ships go up and down, and not into the water. Not under the water, but on top. Eleven? Yeah. Yeah, great. These guys know nothing about boats. So they narrow their eyes at this motley pair in front of them. And one of them goes, you should get your uniform looked at, my friend. It is looking a little threadbare. I will surely do that. Okay, make it quick. The auction is going to be in a few hours.

Where's that auction going to be again? It's going to be here at Pier 1 in a few hours. I was trying to say. And he unlocks the gate and you're allowed into Pier 1. And boy, are the vessels in Pier 1. A beautiful. There's a lot of really nice pleasure craft. Some low kind of catamarans. If you guys want me to describe some cool boats, I can do that. Can you describe three ships? One for each of us? One inspired by each of our personalities. Yes, please. Okay.

So there is one that is a little much. Hey. Who am I talking about? It looks like it was maybe like a military vessel at one point. Like it's sturdy. It looks strong, but it's since been painted. The whole hall is painted in very garish colors. There's murals all along the side depicting wrestling people like a lot of feats of strength. And it's got many powerful sails. And the name of the vessel is the strong boy. It's a real step dad kind of. Totally. Yeah. The next one in line.

Is it looks like an exploration vessel like it was like a riverboat and it is very earthy. It's a paddleboat like it's got rows of oars instead of sails, but it's got a bunch of like little sheds. It looks like on it and there's dried herbs all over the place and it's called nature's bounty. Hmm. And then there is a small and now for Paul's boat. And the other ship is small one with like a dark rich wood and it's painted with different phases of the moon along the side.

There's like gold like crescent moons and full moons and half moons. It's really low and sleek, but it looks like it's good for sneaking around and spying on people and gathering information, but you get this sort of sense that it was used for something more at some point in its life and it is called witch hazel. Cool. Yeah. And then at the end of that you see the aimless wanderer. It's got a big brass gut of a centaur hanging off the end.

You see its face is making this face that looks like and it is pretty sizable. It's like definitely a deep water trading vessel, but it looks like it's fast as hell. Sick. Yeah. I shed one tear as I peek through the barrel and I say goodbye to witch hazel. It's okay Billy. We can come back and like look at the witch hazel some more. Maybe after we're done. Yeah. Yeah, we promise. Okay. So what do you do? Oh, we get on. We go down below.

We talk to the guards like, hey, we're here to fix the ship. We gotta go. Can you get us to the rudder area? The propulsion area? Do you want above deck or below? Below, please. All right. Come with me. The guard leads you up the ramp and then down the stairs and now you're inside the aimless wanderer. Fuck off. Dismissed. You hear just a huge vent of air come out of this guy's nose. Okay. Well, I'll be nearby if you need me. What's your name? Remy. Lieutenant Remy. Well, Mr.

Lieutenant Remy, I'm gonna fix up this ship real good. It's gonna sell for a million coins. He works for the auctioneer. He's making sure everything's ship shape. Of the people that you've talked to in this subterfuge quest, Lieutenant Remy seems the least willing to put up with this. You can just see he's like, I hate these people so much. Okay. Well, I'll be nearby. So if you need anything, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, back up the stairs.

And you guys are left alone, at least for the moment, in the aimless wanderer. What do you do? Oh, yeah. I get out of the barrel. So what's the plan? Okay. We gotta steal the boat, right? Yeah. Okay. Is the Remy still on the boat? Yeah. There's probably, I'm gonna say, six people on this boat right now. Nobody's down below, though. There's like a person. You hear them. Rummaging around in another part of this deck. Should I, like, create a diversion to get all the guards off the boat?

Yeah, that's a good idea. Okay. Is the thing that Vig picked up a gunpowder? I don't know. What could it be? Is it a gunpowder? I will say out of character, yes, it is. Oh, let's discern reality. Yeah, discern reality. Discern realities. Maybe this germ. Or Spout Lore, maybe? I don't know. This would be a Spout Lore. Yeah, so 2d6 plus here. Intelligence. Nine. Okay.

So something interesting about this material is it's not super common, but you've heard that this has been used in conjunction with newly developed seafaring weapons. Like, this is a material that comes from another country. Like, it's found outside the principalities. It's extremely valuable. And it's shipped here in very small quantities. Probably about the size of a barrel is, like, easily a year's salary for a high-ranking military official. Oh, fuck. Oh, we dumped a lot of treasure.

We dumped so much. I was, like, jingling the jar, like, huh? Who's a hoarder now, motherfuckers? This is my nest egg. But yeah, so that's what you know, is that it's used for some kind of weapon. It's called blackpowder. Or is it… Do we have a cooler fantasy name for this? No, that's a great name. Dragon dust. Nail clippings. You get it from, like, dragons, though. Oh, yeah. You dry out their shit. I was gonna say…

Jessica, like, watching her face as she was pretty interested by the first comment, immediately disappointed. I was gonna say that it's said that in areas where dragons have laired their, like, deposits of it left over. It's scabs. Gross. They stick their scabs? They get scabs inside their mouth from all the fire. And that's what grows on them. We keep crusted off. One cool step forward and two gross steps back. Cherry! This was a big one. Too gross for me. No scabs.

So yeah, that's what you know. That is what Ving knows. Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is explosive shit. Guys, watch this. I have an idea about this powder. This is what I think it is. What are you doing? I'm pouring out a small smiley face of powder on the ground. Inside a wooden vessel. Okay. This shit's gonna explode. We should just use it. You're right.

I cut off one of my flaps and I pour an amount into the middle of it and I tie it up with a string and put, like, a string into it, like a fuse. Oh. And make three or four of those. Okay. For Billy's distraction. Yeah, okay. I rip a few pieces of wood. Off the ship. Sorry. You're apologizing to the ship. Just small pieces. Yeah, little, like, splinters and shit. Yeah. And I'm like, okay. Grab the satchels. I'm like, ahoy, captains, because I don't know how to say bye. Please wish me luck.

Good luck, Billy. You can do it. Okay. And you're gonna set these off on the dock? Yeah. Okay. So I'm gonna sneak. I'm gonna sneak out. Okay. 2d6 plus dexterity. Yep. I did it. I got nine. Nine. Okay. Can we help him sneak? Yeah. I'd say one of you could probably help by distracting somebody. Yeah. I'll head back up to find Remy to just be like, hey, Remy. Yes. He's, like, smoking. I was just wondering, is there… What happened to your accent? He blows out a big puff of smoke.

He's got a little pipe. He's got a little pipe. He's got a little pipe. He's got a little pipe. He's got a little pipe in his hands. And Tuck actually laughed. The laugh was Tuck. You gotta roll this bond, like 2d6 plus bond for Billy to distract. Eight. So, yeah, that makes it a 10 for Billy. You've got the attention of Lieutenant Remy. So is this your voice, or what's the situation here? All right. Here's the situation.

You know that old stereotype of, like, oh, shipbuilders and fixers have to be, like, these ugly crones? I don't think I do. Well, it exists. And so I have to get the job of, like, maintaining the ships for the customs house. I had to pretend to be a disgusting crone. I was pretending for that captain down there, Captain Tambor. I really need this job, so please don't tell him. Why don't you come over here with me for a second?

And he starts leading you towards the gangplank, and he's, like, talking to guards. Okay. He's like, hey, guys, come over here for a second. Okay. We got a weird dude over here. We got to figure something out. And that's what's happening while Billy is doing his bomb stuff. So what's Billy doing with the bombs? Is anyone around? Everybody's kind of being distracted by Tuck fucking up his negotiation thing. How close am I to the other boats? Like a stone's throw. Like a bomb's throw?

Is it a bomb's throw? It could be a bomb's throw. All right. How many bomb bags do I have? Four. Four. I have four bags. All right. What's the easiest one? What's the widest, easiest catching boat? The Witch Hazel. Oh, God. It kind of is, because it's, like, She's right there. Yeah, where you're at from the, like, back of the ship, it's just right down. I think about the future I could have had with the Witch Hazel.

And I grab my stick, and I give it a real good swipe on the wooden floor, and it lights, and he lights the bomb bag, and he gives it a throw onto the Witch Hazel. Okay. 2d6 plus dexterity. Nine. Nine. Okay. Yeah, Billy lights the bomb bag and whips it over the edge, and it sails through the air down onto the deck of the Witch Hazel, and there's a bit of a pause, and you're like, oh, oh, no, it didn't work. I throw another one to try to land it in there. Okay.

So I still have that wood lit, and I'm like, again. And as you throw that one through the air, you hear, boom, on the deck of the Witch Hazel. It just took a second to go off. Oh, shit. And you see a part of the little wall of the top of the deck, like, blow off, and then the other one hits and blows up again. Shit. Oh, my God. It lights something on the deck of the ship, so now there's, like, piles of canvas and rope and stuff that are starting to catch on fire. Oh, my God. And I feel alive.

I light the other one. Oh, my God. Hold the fuck on. Well, what I was going to say is, while you're like, wow, that's amazing, you realize you're still holding the burning stick, and you've lit both of the other fuses. Oh, shit, yeah. So now you've just got two burning fuses in your hands. What do you do? I lob the other one onto the other ship, the strong boy. That's hate to fight injured dexterity. So sick. I got a lippin. Yeah.

That one's quite a bit farther than the witch hazel, but you throw it over, like, sideways along the deck because the strong boy's on the other side from the aimless wanderer, and you hit the ramp that goes up to the top. As somebody's walking up the ramp, it hits the middle of the ramp and explodes and snaps the ramp in two, and a guy falls into the ocean. Sorry. And now people are… What do you do with the last one? I drop it onto the main piece, and I'm like, Oh, yeah, that's easy.

You don't have to roll for that. And that, like, blows up the side of, like, a little shed, and people are just fucking freaking out now because they don't even know what that is. Like, there's just huge noises. There's a fire on this one ship. This other guy fell into the water, and all the guards that are with the tuck right now are, like…

They all stop what they're doing while they're questioning you, and they look over the side, and they just start flipping, they all start running down the ramp, and everybody is trying to figure out what's going on, but the ship starts clearing out. Yeah, Bing starts, like, What are you doing down here, man? What the heck is going on? Get up there. Yeah. The guy who was rummaging. Totally.

And then goes up behind him and then just starts undoing ropes and pulling up the masts and doing all this stuff. So you're trying to do it super fast? Yeah. Have the guards all got off the boat? Yeah, the boat is clearing out. I'm gonna push the ramp. Yeah, so maybe give me a defiant interest strength. Sure. Not bad. Holy shit. I got ten. Ten? Oh, my God. So you put everything that you can into… Witch hazel! And you lift it, like, you lift this huge piece of wood, Billy. Holy shit.

You've never felt stronger. And it tips back just a little bit more and whoop, right over the side. Sick. Sploosh into the water. God, I'm powerful. And, Bing, give me a 2d6 plus dexterity to get the ship ready. Twelve. Damn. So, yeah, you run around. You haul ass. And, like, the sails, like, unfurl from the masts and they start billowing, but they haven't caught. So you'll need a significant wind to get the ship out of harbor.

And also, when the sails drop, you see, like, there is, like, the running form of a centaur in full bloom. Yeah. Like, on the sails. And the way they've done it is kind of like a rotoscope. So as they flap, it looks like it's running. Whoa. Yeah. Majestic. Yeah. There's a lot of, like, rolls. Yeah. Like, flapping. It's beautiful, really. Yeah. The thing you were saying is going to try and… He's going to elemental mastery. A big breeze. A gale.

When you call on the spirits, primal spirits of fire, earth, water, air, roll plus wisdom. On a 10 plus, choose two. On a 79, choose one. Oh, yeah. There it is. Eleven. So. So what do you choose? I'm going to choose the effect I desire that comes to pass. And you retain control. Okay. So the one that you don't pick is you avoid paying nature's price. Uh-huh. The sails billow for another few moments. And then snap full as the wind starts to pick up. It lurch. We lurch on back. It's like, ooh.

And you start pulling out a harbor. Ving, you're at the wheel, I assume. Oh, yeah. Totally. So cool. So, like, Billy and I look back and, like, Ving's like… I've got ropes tied to every body part. Whoa. Whoa. Because I'm, like, pulling off this one. And there's, like, things in my teeth. Holy shit. Yeah. And his, like, hair is, like, beautiful, like, gray hair is, like, flowing in the wind. Wow. And Billy and I are like, that's got to be the best pirate I've ever seen. So it would seem.

And we're, like, drumming him. A little help? Oh, sorry. I thought we were. And then we do it louder. Amazing. Yeah, none of us think to actually take a rope. Yeah, you're just dancing around singing a song. Like pirates. And as you're pulling out of the harbor, you steer it so you miss the burning wreck of the witch hazel. And you can feel the wind helping you here and there, pushing the ship a little bit further. Because steering a big ship by yourself, pretty tough.

And you see a bunch of guards run up Pier 1, jackboot at the head of them. And he's waving his sword. And he's like, get back here. I'll find you. And we call off the deck. We're like, it's literally impossible to stop these boats. And as you're pulling out, you move past and start into the open water of Crystal Bay. Then you feel alive. You feel like you've got a firm deck under you. You feel like you've got a firm deck under your feet. A taut line in your hand.

Hasn't been like this for decades, probably. No. Semi-tied at best. And the wind is… You're really starting to pick it up. It's moving. And you can feel the ebb and flow of the wind in the sails. And the wind's like… You can hear it. Like, yes. Yes. Explore purpose. So the wind fills the sails and pushes you further and faster. And begins taking you out of the water. Out of Crystal Bay. Into open water. You're out of control. This is nature's price.

And I think that's where we're going to end it for this week. My name is Sean O'Hara. I've been your Game Master. With me as always, playing Tacoma Dome, the Barbarian Abdulaziz. Goodbye. Playing Ving, the Half-Elf Druid slash Sailor. Paul Offers. Oh, hi. Bye-bye. Playing Fat Billy, the Halfling Thief slash Grenadier. Jessica Tai. Hello and goodbye. Thanks to Aaron Reed for our amazing intro and outro music. Thanks to Wes for all the technical. Thanks to Abdul for all the editing.

Thanks to Adam Coble and Sage LaTorah for making the game Dungeon World that you can find online. Thanks to our Patreon supporters. You can find our Patreon at patreon.com slash speltlore or speltlore.com slash money, please. And if you want your friends and other people around the world to learn about the show, feel free to drop us a review on iTunes or whatever podcast app you use. Thanks so much for listening, everybody. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

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