Episode 14 – Wick Port

Hi this is ving knees vang zuba calling from the spirit world long time listener just like you please continue to support us at patreon slash spell or uh you can help pay for such things as wow mission chairs are free people give us money go to patreon.com slash spell or spell lord.com slash money please how many zeds are in that there are no zeds sorry there's three z's I'm gonna put the links in the show notes now the round friends let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold a brute a druid and a thief who is but nine years old you know them by name you know them you you a a a a By deed their quests are famously daring So here I sit singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers half-elf, he shifts his shape and wields a spear with great might Billy's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends and listen close For the tale's about to start Hello all of you When last we left our heroes So much information was provided that I feel that this recap may take longer than the episode itself So what did we fucking learn last episode?

We learned that Farrah has an upper limit of information she can take in Yeah, you revealed information that you'd been withholding to various people in your lives Not intentionally though, we were people Kept saying we were withholding information We were mainly just forgetting to tell anyone it Yeah, exactly Withholding by omission You learned that Perel has a family Had a family Before he became a wizard You learned about the day he became a wizard Which involved him in his confusion of his new state Flash freezing a town, he said You learned that him Aquarius And Morris Were sort of all together romantically A long, long time ago And the various dramatic things that happened within that relationship You told Perel that Aquaria was alive A fact he was not aware of So he took the moss and Communicated with Aquaria for the first time in over a hundred years Somebody help me out here There was a lot of stuff We went, we talked to Farrah after that Yeah Oh, yeah She was giving a talk on dragon physiology Right We learned some stuff about dragon physiology Yeah Which is that they have balls and a cloaca You talked to her about The fact that Aquaria was alive A fact she was also unaware of Yeah, and we explained all the Ving stuff that had happened with the druids We possibly talked about the nature of the cosmos of the world we find ourselves Yeah Yeah, we hypothesized We hypothesized on What it is that creates wizards Came to some very interesting conclusions You asked Perel about his whole realms including wizard hotspots wi-fi hotspots the ones that you've been to the ones he knows about and how those might be an extremely dangerous option for getting the information and uh resources that you need to just help perel achieve the various goals that he has had now that he's talked to aquaria he thinks that it's possible to talk to morris too so that's also become a goal of his you know what I mean okay it's not just get my magic back it's find morris yeah go through a hot spot find morris because he doesn't know if it's one one contiguous realm that the wizards created if it's several realms like could be anything you all have decided to after faro was like we can help you find the medjay books we can help find irk we can help find the knife you all decided that it was time to subcontract that quest out for a little bit yeah while you head to the port town that billy saw the clear water arriving at to confront the menders hopefully or like figure out what the fuck they're doing there yeah if they're even there for us because maybe not could just be their own holiday and it's kind of nice to spy yeah um and you talked to black spire yeah he showed you that he found a huge boulder of sunstone and did not eat it yes good boy good boy we convinced black yeah!

Black spire to take us to that northern port town yep yeah the poor town that uh is the uh one of the end points of the tallow road yeah yeah the tallow road stretches from a port town in the north which is how people can sail to this continent and then theoretically the town that you all arrived at yes yes this is where we came in yeah and then it goes oh it starts there and then goes all the way south and there's a bunch of like smaller towns on the way down and then it goes it terminates at mccall goes through mccall terminates the lighthouse cool uh okay so that is kind of where we find our heroes now on the back of their mighty steed black spire the dragon who has since taken to the desert with a speed and a power heretofore unseen and he did that for about 30 minutes pretty good and now he's like oh my god it is so hot out here yeah yeah!

How long do we gotta do this for yeah how far is it pretty far I would say at least if there's like a bunch of towns and stuff I would honestly say from mccall probably two days yeah okay that makes sense uh I assume that your plan is to not do a lot of stopping probably like stop at an inn when it's nighttime and then keep traveling yeah that makes sense cool uh then you're traveling along a safe route like you're just on the tallow road so you're not gonna have to roll a perilous journey it'll just take you two days to get to this town okay the town is called uh what about like wick port or something like that oh cute yeah yeah like it's just a little well actually I guess it's a pretty bustly kind of port town because it's really the only seaport that close to mccall mm-hmm damn yeah so this would be a kind of big town actually yeah yeah it's not like a metropolis or anything like that but it's bigger than like a town like mccall's town yeah yeah it's not like a metropolis or anything like that but it's bigger than like a town like mccall's town like a burg you know what I mean yeah yeah it's quite large I think yeah so what's the attention you guys are getting like on the tallow road as you're traveling to wick port I feel like it's not a lot because there's so many different people and things going going in and out and going on yeah that's a good point you like you all probably see some weird fucking animals on your way up the road right like weird like really long-legged like shaggy animals with carriages slung underneath their bellies like uh somebody's riding like a big snake at one point you're like what the fuck shia I was so shy I see a we see a couple of light guard on on the back of a worm oh like traveling the road traveling next to the road because the worms go through the sand totally but there's like I think there's a worm root that goes next to the road yeah like a furrow next in the sand that the worms travel down you carry back on down the road uh you see a little bit of a you spend a night at a very nice uh inn that has kind of like an outdoor section uh so you that black spire sleeps in just under the stars and uh the next day starts up and you all carry on down the road what's another thing that you see I'm trying to think of something cool so we've done animal big worm what about a person person okay they're coming off a port town so they could be from fucking anywhere this could be a totally new person too like you know like new uh new culture new ancestry like worm do we see a worm no it doesn't have to be we maybe see a mirage of worm yeah I see a mirage of worm oh yeah I'm looking with my block binoculars and he's waving he looks exactly like you remember him worm come over here billy is that you I have something to tell you you know I'm not a worm how are the waffles this year oh they're amazing I've got one here would you like to taste it yes well come on over don't bring tuck and ving oh I should probably tell them though no don't do that they'll eat the wapple we're looking at billy bill you all right bud don't larms over there he told me he has a wapple but he said not to tell you guys we look over there there's a cactus with a wapple with two it's like swaying in the sand and it has uh two big purple flowers on the two arms of the cactus oh billy no that's a mirage cactus really I take take off my blockulars yeah you take your hands down and you see this cactus swaying and you see it like shake its two flowers and it makes this like and there's two like little tendrils that flip out of the cactus oh my gosh I could have been eaten yeah those cactuses are like they kind of like draw people in the the flowers put out like a some kind of like drug thing oh yeah maybe maybe the cactus is like the lure of a bigger beast that lives in the sand oh yeah actually yeah while you're watching this and billy takes off his binoculars and it realizes that its prey has caught wise the cactus into the sand there's a big puff of sand and then it's gone all right let's stay on the road yes I'm not gonna use my I'll put my binoculars on my binoculars and I'm gonna put my binoculars on my binoculars and I'm gonna put my binoculars on my binoculars away it's a good scary ass cactus uh and you know there's a there's another full day of that you stop at another inn that is like basically just one big shed uh there are a few other travelers in there and you travel for half the day after that oh wait what do we have money no because you uh lost all in gambling right yeah I gambled it all away so we had like two coins left how are we paying for this inn stuff I wonder if we're like I don't know just sneaking in at random times and we're picking only like the open air shelters right yeah right you slept outside the first night okay let me try the guy at the inn last night was not into it but let me try and talk to this guy see if I can like convince him to let us stay here for free okay there's an orc really tall really skinny for an orc whoa what's up hey uh my name is tuck we're just looking for a room room to stay yeah cool it's five coins a night five coins whoa okay hey you know what I don't have that on me okay well you know there's a I don't know there's like a hitching post outside you go and sleep on the ground can't charge you for the ground that's pretty nice of you I appreciate that but um we've been sleeping pretty rough the last couple of days there's something I can maybe offer you instead of money that you might want uh-huh that might be cool for us to stay for a while okay for a night okay like what like what do you like what do you got uh I like money well I feel like I've already kind of communicated that I don't have that but you know what's as good as money love and lust are you saying that you'll me if I let you stay here no no no no no no it's like starts away because I mean oh my god okay no no all right wait no never mind I made myself vulnerable I'm not interested anymore I was offering you actually this like we have a choose your own adventure love and lust if you are into it super rare copy it's pretty rare it's a really old one it's signed by us yeah yeah we ruined it we yeah we opened the first page and it's mostly just billy's drawing all right parlay 2d6 plus charisma I'm gonna go to the next page shit wow three plus three is six nice aid oh yeah yeah 2d6 plus bond um if you let us stay here you won't have to choose your own adventure I'll show you the best way through this book the sexiest finish sweet eight nine eight nine makes that a seven seven to nine he says all right he takes a look at he grabs the book and he looks at it turn to page 69 I would love to but I cannot read so here's the deal awww cause smash got two bing reading the book yeah tuck and bing uh doing an act out of a scene from love and lust yes billy is watching with this tall orc whose name is mills and he's sitting cross-legged on the floor in the uh like common area of the inn nobody's staying here oh yeah yeah he's fine he's pushed some tables out of the way uh what was the last thing that we did oh yeah that's true yeah that's true the hot dog it was a lot of hot dog based stuff right then do something else I know I know I'm just trying to remember the kind of general theme of this love and loss the theme is two nights that are in love okay was it kind of a romeo and juliet where like the two nights were on opposite sides but they like fell in love something like that yeah it was like a forbidden romance kind of all right all right I'll play binge hawk binge hawk yeah all right he's one of the nights yeah who are you playing I'm gonna play binge hawks dad king I don't want a son and dad scene I want like a spicy scene okay I'm playing the other night what's his name singe fuck oh all right hey kid you should not be here for this okay can I uh yeah you could go there's a room upstairs upstairs yeah nice hey what's your lizard doing what is it we look outside inside he's got his head in the window well he likes stories too okay fine whatever lizard want to hang out that's cool lizard what I get that's cool and then uh what's nils is like you know what that's a pretty good thing I should put that on a t-shirt once I learned to write you guys can teach me how to write too right this is a lot man this is a lot for a room we came here to rest and Billy's resting.

Yeah. Billy's upstairs snoozing away now. We're doing this like really tired. Oh man. Binge, you're so sexy. Minge. Wait, what was your name? Minge. Minge Singe. That's my name. Minge, you're sexy too. Your fat pecs makes me want to lick them all up and down. Just like I licked the ketchup off this hot dog. Is there this much hot dog stuff in the book? There's a lot of hot dog stuff in here, man. That's weird. I know. Anyways.

This hot dog is nice, but it'd be twice as nice if it was a pogo stick. Insert stick. Wait, what? Is that in the book? The best thing that goes with ketchup, you know it, and he pulls out mustard. Okay, so there's a… There's an option here. Do you want Minge to put mustard on the hot dog, or do you want him to put mustard on my hot dog? Whoa. Let's do the hot dog. Hot dog for sure. I just met you guys. All right, page 441. All right. There's more than 400 pages in this book. It's huge.

It's like two feet thick. Minge puts the mustard between his knees and then squeezes it gently. Okay. And does a little wiggle back and forth, a little dance with his hands on his head. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. And puts a little mustard on the dog. I hope you like spicy mustard. You want grainy or smooth or honey mustard? I'm imagining that it's just Tuck holding out the hot dog, looking at the hot dog as Ving puts mustard on it, and he's like thrusting in the air like, yeah, mustard.

And then you look over at Nils and he's asleep. Oh, thank God. Do we have to keep doing it? Wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee. I kind of want to know how this ends. Does he eat the hot dog? Or did he eat my hot dog? Go to page 555. Smash got to the morning. Nils is standing in the doorway waving bye-bye. Bye, Nils. Thanks. Thanks for staying. Always feel like you can come back to Nils Thrills and Beds. And Chills. One. Fuck. Nils Thrills and Chills is great. Just to say.

And he starts climbing the front of his building. He does not know how to write, so he's not going to be able to fix it. Oh, yeah. No, the sign is a picture of a bed. Oh, okay. And a crude picture of his face going with a thumbs up. Nils. Yeah, and you guys carry on. And I'd say about halfway through the next day, you see the edge of Wickport is opening up before you. Traffic on the road is getting heavier. People coming and going at all. Speeds on all means of conveyance. And there's no wall.

So the town just kind of opens. Like you can just walk right in. And there's no guards or anything like that on the edge of town. What does the town look like? It is a pretty eclectic collection of architecture styles. A lot of people from a lot of parts of the world have come here to live and build and work over time. There are some classic, like, sturdy, like, you know, sandstone McCollum style buildings with what kind of ornamentation to McCollum buildings usually have. I don't know.

Like, I feel like the architecture is kind of just like a low one story long, kind of like ugly, ugly. We're all looking over at Jessica like, what's going to happen? Are you serious right now? I just learned about wind catchers. What are those? Middle East. Middle East. Middle East. In Middle Eastern architecture, it's like a lot of buildings will have, like, towers, I guess, with holes and channels in them to, like, catch wind that, like, naturally ventilate in cool buildings. Oh, cool.

So I think there's some of those styles. There's a lot of, like, kind of graded windows, like, that are kind of ornate in their designs. When there are glass windows, it's like thick blocks that, like, keep out the heat. Cool. Yeah. That's really cool. They're not sunstone. They're not sunstone, but they're, like, fake sunstone. So they absorb, like, some of the light, and then they glow a bit after. They're more kind of just, like, infused with some sandworm shit. Gotcha. That's really cool.

You see some styles that are very reminiscent of, like, principalities architecture throughout the ages, like ancient styles and more modern styles, and some buildings that look so fucking weird, you have no idea where they're from. Whoa. Sandstone versions of Great North buildings. Yeah. Totally. What do those look like? Domes. Ooh. Yeah. That are just barely peeking up out of the ground. Oh, interesting. Yeah. That's cool. And there is, like, you know, a billion different kinds of people here.

It's a pretty busy place. So you know, like, any market scene from, like, a spy movie where they go to, like, the Middle East or something like that? There's, like, the symbols, and there's, like, people playing music on flutes. It's that kind of thing. There's a huge press of people. There's music everywhere. There's a guy with, like, a huge, like, metal container on his back. He's, like, pouring, like, purple rose hip tea out for people. So cool. Chilled tea. Mm-hmm.

There's a building where the guy is converting the skiffs and ships that come in into sand boats. Oh, cool. Yeah. Interesting. There's, like, a retrofitting service. Yeah. It's pretty big business. That's really cool. That is cool. And they don't fuck up your boat. Like, they just set it on, like, a ski kind of apparatus. That's really neat. Yeah. We don't fuck up your boat. That's what the guy said outside. Yeah. Mr. Boat, we don't fuck up your boat.

And then the guy across the street from him is like, we don't either. We just don't have it on the sign. He's outside telling people this. We don't fuck up your boats either. I promise. You should put it on your sign. He already did, though. I feel like he'd be copying. So what's your plan now that you're here? Black Spire is, like, there are a lot of people. What do I do? What's wrong, buddy? There's just, I'm, like, can I? And he's backing up.

Like, you're on top of him and he starts backing up out of town. Then he goes, like, just outside kind of, like, the main ring of buildings on the edge of town. And he's like, what do you need? Like, a hole. You guys got, like, a hole? I mean, we could maybe try to look for a hole. Maybe an upstairs hole or a downstairs hole. Downstairs hole would be nice. Maybe we go, like, kind of along the coast. Coastal cliff? Like, next to the seaside?

See if there's any caves in there that you'd feel comfortable in? Yeah. Natural cool cave? Yeah. Does that sound good, buddy? That sounds fucking lit. There's, um, so there's tons of, like, piers coming off of the cliffside. And we walk through an area where they've been harvesting kelp. And they're all, like, flapping in the wind, drying. Oh, wow. Cooling the tides out. Yeah. Nice. It's nice. You can feel the sea spray. It's kind of the first time we've been cooling. It's nice. It's nice.

It's nice. It's nice. It's nice. It's nice. It's been cool in a long time. Yeah. Billy is, like, has opened up his layers. And it's just like, oh, my red cheeks. The cooling sea mists. Like, he's lifted up his shirt so it could flap in the wind and, like, send nice cold air up his tummy. Oh, yeah. Like, it's a vent. Yeah. It's a vent. Should we discern realities of this? Yeah. Great. Discern realities. 2d6 plus wisdom. Nine. Nine. So you get one question from the discern realities list.

Useful or valuable? Yeah. So you're, like, outside. You know, you're on the beach and the piers, but you're kind of outside town. Like, once it's just beach, you go a ways past the kind of kelp hunters where the kelp beds start to thin out a little bit and you find a cliff with a cave. But there's water kind of lapping at the mouth of the cave. And he's like, hell, yeah, hole. And he starts moving pretty fast. Towards the hole with you guys on his back. Oh, shit. Shit.

And he just he just barges into the hole. Is it safe? Like, are we sure? Is it dry? Do we know the tide's not going to come in and fill him in? Ving, actually, you would recognize. Yeah, there's probably going to be some tidal situations. Okay. But not for a while. Like, he's also really big. Like, if he needs to get out of here, he can get out of here. Okay. Don't fall asleep for too long. Okay. Oh, I'm not. I'm not falling asleep. I'm going to enjoy all this wet, dark. It's been a while.

I've been in that shit dark for a while. And I'm just going to enjoy it in here. Yeah. I mean, this might be nice because the tide is going to come in at some point. It might get you, like, cleaned up a bit. Oh, yeah. That's a great idea. Because we've been trying to pick all the shit out of your scales. There is a lot of it. There is a lot of it. It's baked in. Yeah. Well, I can hang out here, I guess. Cool. Thank you. Yeah, no problem.

I just figured it would make more sense for me to, like, be out of the way so we don't have to worry about where I am, like, in a scene. So I'm just going to fucking vibe out in this cave. Will you leave some of that crunch here or I will lose it? Okay. Yeah, man. Sick. Billy takes one of the pouches of the sunstone crunch. Here you go, boy. You did such a good job getting us here. Okay. Just put it over there. Okay. I have to ration it out. I don't want to look at it.

I don't want to eat it all right now. I don't want to eat it all right now. But come back eventually. Yeah, we'll be back, like, probably later tonight. Okay. What if somebody finds me? Just kill them? No, just scream. Chomp them. No, just growl at them like crazy. They'll run away, probably. Okay. All right. Don't. Wait. Don't breathe lava. Don't barf on anybody. Why? Because you're super rare, man. People try and take you if they know that you're a dragon. They're going to try and take me?

Well, no, probably not. Like, if you just chill out here, no one will probably find you. But if they do, just, like, hiss and, like, get mad at them. And if they try to grab you, then just run away. Yeah. If they try and come in, pretend you're, like, an eel or something. Yeah. A bunch of slithering eels. Pretend you're a nest of fucking eels. All right. Don't know what those are, but I will. Don't worry about your old pal. Can you just, for our sake, pretend to be an eel for one second? Okay.

Eh. Better get out of here, you fucking eel. I'm an eel. I'm going to poison you. That works. That's good. All right. Pretty spooky. And we leave, and we walk around the corner. And then Tuck's like, if he pretends to be an eel, they're going to figure out he's a dragon right away. Yeah. They'll know right away. Cannot do it. Yeah. And you head back into Wickport? Yes. All right. So what's your plan here? I think, first and foremost, we need to, like, hawk the sunstone to, like, get some money.

Oh. Yeah. Get some cash. Yeah. So there's probably, like, one of those, like, I buy gold, et cetera. Because this is a town of money exchanger. Yeah. Because there's tons of different money, currencies coming from all around the world. Yeah. So there's, like, bankers, currency changers. But then there's, like, pawn shops, and we buy gold places. That's so funny. And as you're walking by, they're like, hey, sir, my friend, my friend, come on in here. Come on in here. Exchange your gold over here.

Our rates are the best in town. Yeah. This guy's 4%. Fuck. Him. I do 3.5. Is that good or bad? And your favorite or mine? Who knows? Do you know? I mean, do you guys know? I don't know. Well, come on in, and we'll all find out together. Okay. Let's go in. Wait. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. This guy feels like he's trying to trick us. Yeah. Billy? I'm going to do trap expert. Oh, good idea. That is a fantastic idea. Nice. Yeah. I don't want to be trapped in a bad deal or a mortgage or something.

So, 7 plus… Dexterity, I believe? 9. Okay. So, you get one question. Yeah. I can aid him. Sure. Oh, yeah. Sure. Yeah. I'm just like, don't trust the shifty eyes of his. Nice. 7. Sweet. So, that means I get to ask all three. Yeah. So, is there a trap here? And if so, what activates it? Yeah. Yeah. Entering this guy's shop activates the trap where he tries to fuck you over. I knew it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's some classic thumb on the scale stuff where he's going to tell you that he's got a certain rate that he pays for certain weights of precious materials, but he's going to tip the scale in his favor so you get way less money. What else is hidden here? What else is hidden here is he takes you into a shop. He is a centaur. Classic fucking centaur moves. Whoa. Hey, man. Don't bring that kind of energy into my shop. All right. Hey, we haven't brought anything into yours.

To your shop yet. Centaurs are not a monolith. All right. I'm a skeezy guy just because of me. Just because of my life. I've got a full on purple silk shirt that I'm wearing. I've got, I don't know what. Normally long fingernails. Super long fingernails. I've got gold bangles on my wrists. I have long curly blonde hair that is, it goes all the way down to my camel part. Down my camel toes. Yeah. And my name is Fabio. Fabio. My name's Fabio. Welcome to Fabio's Fabiolus Deals. Wow. Yeah.

So come on in. Let's get a deal going. What do you say? Sure. We would like to trade in some of our stuff for money. That is what we do here at Fabio's Fabiolus Deals. Yeah, man. Here, I got this and I take the sunstone out and I drop a dinner plate size piece of sunstone in front of him. Okay, so are we in his shop? Yeah. Okay, yeah. So he goes behind the counter and he kneels down in that centaur way so he's kind of like human level with the counter. Yeah. And this is what else is hidden here.

You hear the fantasy equivalent of that mobster money counting machine and you hear voices in the back and there's definitely some business going on back there. Oh, I see. Okay. Yeah. And you drop this dinner plate size, this piece of sunstone and he goes, okay, yeah, we can do this. Let's see. He acts suspiciously calm when you put it down in front of him.

All right, let me just take a look and he grabs one of those like jeweler's loops and puts it in his eye and then he leans in and he goes, oh, that's bright. And he gets a smoked lens jeweler's loop. Oh, cool. He's like, whew. Yeah, all right. This looks, picks it up, puts it up to the light which is also weird that he's doing this. Careful. Careful. Oh, no. Hey, kid, this isn't the first time that I've dealt with something like this. His hands are shaky. Sweating.

Ah, you know, the quality is not great. The cut's not the best. I could give you 20 coins. Okay, well, then we'll get out of here. No, no, no, no. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let me take another look. Let me take another look. Okay, all right. Okay, you're twisting my arm. You're twisted Fabio's arm and he puts his arm out and goes, go on, twist my arm. All right. Being fist pumped. Yeah. Okay, all right. All right. 60 coins. Nah. 60? Fuck that, man. 100% Elaine Springs pure sunstone, buddy.

Hey, look, you don't have to tell me. You don't have to tell me what pure sunstone looks like, all right? It's not this. Well, then, we will be taking this elsewhere. Okay, good luck. Later. Okay. Yep. I fart. All right. There's somebody across the street who's also doing his job but they're not bugging us. Yeah, and this is like a stooped human woman. She's pale. She has like long, dark hair. She's like, ah, hello, dearies.

If you've got money and currency to change, you come on in to old Bertha's place and we'll get you set up right. Hey, that Fabio guy just tried to fuck us. Can you be straight with us? I mean, I can see what I can do. Okay. And then I show her the plate of sunstone. Holy shit. All right. I trust this lady. Yeah. That's a lot of sunstone you're carrying around. Why don't you come inside? Okay. Yeah, let's get in here. Don't show that in the street, dear. Hello. Hello.

And she waves you into her shop. She's got white all over her face. Yeah, she's got white cream all over her face. It's my cooling cream. Yeah, it's her sunscreen. She's got a floral shirt on over a heaving bosom that looks a little too solid. She's got a skirt and stockings and curly gray hair. I changed her look entirely. Yeah, I do like the idea that this is real world Robin Williams, though. Yeah. Yeah. R.I.P. So she brings you into her store, which is there's doilies everywhere.

There's like old lamps. There's like a nice upholstered chair. Yeah. And a cat. I go pet a cat. Pet the kitty. Very fluffy, like long haired, gray and white. Just like laying on the counter like Paul do the yeah, but it's a McCollum cat. Oh, I like it's that's so fucking weird. What a weird thing to do. What is a McCollum? What's the difference? I don't know, Billy. What's the difference between a McCollum cat and a regular cat? These ones are two more legs. Two more legs. A bunch of tails.

So it's really a bit. It's not too long, but it is a lot longer. Yeah, it's got more legs in the middle. Yeah, half cat in the bag. Yeah, yeah, it's a centaur. It's got two tails to both parts of the center are both cat. Yeah, and it's just a cat with yet just a little bit longer six legs and two tails. Yeah, dude. Oh, yeah, that's more tomorrow. He's been a he's been a good friend of mine for years now. Hi, Mortimer. Oh, yeah, he loves to be scratched.

She leads you into the store and she closes the door behind you and she flips the open sign to closed and, and locks it and then the shades down the shades down and walks back behind the counter and sits in her old lady rocking chair and goes, all right, let's see the merchandise. So I, I take it back out of my backpack and I hand it to her and it illuminates this dim money. I would say in the daytime you can see light coming through the cracks in.

Yeah, yeah, she's like my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, wherever, where did you find this? Yeah, somewhere in the desert. Far away. Yeah, we were kind of traveling the Tallow Road, sort of taking our time and we stopped and we saw something shining and shining in the distance in the desert. We trekked out to it. It was this two to six plus charisma. Seven. She says, don't try and bullshit the bullshit that are saddened. Fuck. You found this in the desert is what you're telling me.

Fine. We were in like a old cave thing and we took it. All right. That's all I wanted to know. You don't have to try and light the Bertha. I buy things from weird people all the time. Weird people. Well, I mean, come on, but nothing. Um, so I could take this off your hands for, uh, let's say a hundred coin. Oh, Bertha. We trusted you. What? I'm trying. I have a business hundred coins. That's a fucking ransom. This is, but this, you could eat like a, a full Turkey on this plate of sunstone.

All right. All right. What are you suggesting? Oh, like a thousand thousand. Fuck my ass. A thousand coin. Absolutely not. I mean, we could just take this back with us. Okay. Somebody roll something like a parlay. I guess this would probably be def. Well, I guess the parlay is, we'll just go somewhere else. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Here we go. Eight. Hmm. Eight. Okay. All right. 500 coin. I mean, that's a fair jump from a hundred. Yeah. Five 15. You got yourself a deal. Five 25. Can I wait? What?

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I want, I want like something extra, like something cozy. Yeah. Something cozy. Yeah. I'm really liking this cat. No, I won't take your cat. No, I won't take your cat. Maybe he's got like, like some, I've been petting him for a while and I've got all this fur that I've collected into a little ball. Like five 25 plus this fur ball. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I think I can let it go. Nice.

And she goes back into the back room of her shop and you hear, ah, ah, ah, what? She comes out waddling with a chest. Oh shit. With 525 coins in her foot. Oh no. She's like, oh yeah. No, I got it. He got it. Okay. Then with your knees, oh, if I had my wood. I really feel like I should help you. I'm not sure if I should help you. No, I got it. Okay. And she bends deep and she thunks the chest up on the counter. We're just gonna fucking carry this chest around.

Oh wait, I could give you a, oh, I could give you a promissory note, I suppose. Sorry, a what? It's like an old kind of like, it's basically paper money before paper money was paper money. Oh. A promissory note. It's like, yeah, I'm Bertha and they can have 400 coins from my account. Okay, that makes more sense. You don't have to carry around a huge chest. I'll just put this back then. No, you gotta let me help you put it back. No, it's fine. I got it. I got it. I've lived this long.

I'll live a bit longer. And she goes, it steals my wool. She goes, oh, and she tilts almost all the way backwards. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, whoa, whoa.

Oh, this so I'm gonna put it in my backpack uh uh I mean I can't argue with that and you already have it yeah in your hand I can't reach it anyway so I guess so okay uh and uh bertha leads you to the door and kind of sees you out onto the street and she's standing in the doorway and she says deities I would have paid two thousand and then she closes the door no no no no no she closes the door and locks it fucking shit fuck fuck but I mean you guys made a bunch of money back like almost all the money that tuck lost way more money you had 94 coins yeah I lost 98 coins damn you guys you guys are loaded again cool let's go live fat on the hog or whatever you've completely forgotten your quest immediately we're rich guys we're rich again for all the mud baths and I mean you are in a market oh they have such nice silks do have nice silks oh billy do you want some silks maybe so cooling I have been wearing this collar and tie and this like linen tunic for a while and then my blanket is a cape and then also as a hood and then my my regular hood the raccoon hood yeah the raccoon is over a blanket cloak no it's under it it's always under billy what do you want I have that oh have that blue silk because then I can match my blanket oh yeah are there any patterns on it oh it has little stars stitched in nice oh cool beautiful that looks like perel's old cloak oh it does yeah uh yeah and the the fabric seller uh says that it's uh it's five coins yeah yeah sure and they go no way we're so baller right now you went from being so aggressively frugal to being like yeah whatever here you go yeah I don't even care how much it is you reach into here and you take how much you think it's fair I don't give a shit man uh yeah and billy has a nice little flowy silk wrap outfit now yeah I've I undressed right there and I left all my old clothes I didn't want anymore behind it's like sweat stain yeah tunic yeah and yeah anything else you guys want to grab in this market uh there's a antiques dealer and I um he's got uh like um old artifacts and there's a a big old giant's knuckle whoa like on a like you would display it in a front hall or something a big chunk of obsidian I want to get it for black spire oh that's really nice get him a treat he's like it's two thousand coins okay maybe I'll take some cool weapons or something then uh I deal in antiquities you think I'm just giving these things away well don't be a dick about it I will be a dick about it until you all respect history and tucks like oh fine yeah history and then he pulls out the chain mail shirt and silver grieve that he got from uh lillian's tomb this guy's eyes bug out of his head and then tuck puts it back in his backpack and he puts it back it's like oh no sorry that'll be 90 000 gold hold on maybe you need to respect history a bit more and then when tucks his history grabs his own crotch can I can I take another quick peek quick peek at that oh sorry no a quick peek is 400 000 gold I just I just want to see it I just want to see it sir no and then he moonwalks out of the store flipping the guy all right and this wasn't even a store this was a stall on the street so you're moonwalking through a crowd of people sorry sorry sorry so I mean are you still this antiques thing you want to buy it some stuff it's fine you guys leave this guy he feels like he fucking blew it you see him later he's got his head in his hands he's just like oh my god that comes along but a while my mom's gonna be so mad at me I can't believe she let me watch the stall today and I blew it this bad anything else anybody wants to buy arrows weapons I don't need any weapons don't need arrows I really need armor or food I can't really buy anything I don't need any weapons I don't need man like it's not like we have like a magic weapon shop you can go to because that doesn't really exist is there a fun thing that we could roll for a treasure like we could buy there's some cool thing we could do something fun like that I can look up oh what's this I was just thinking some stores maybe it's like a thrift shop and they have a mystery box like little yeah fun bags box oh you know what you see and because this is mccall it's been a while since you've seen something like this you see a uh very simple looking building with a sign that says general store oh shit no it was uh in little sir there was a place called general store that was a traveler shrine yeah it's everything is one coin oh man we should have went there first to save so much money yeah cool they would have definitely had all this stuff uh and you walk into the general store and there it what's the what's the person of the general store look like one coin same guy it looks like the exact same guy walk in he says hey welcome to general store attack he's just like what the fuck he's got a little necklace that has like the symbol of the traveler around his neck what's your name dude bottle uh it's uh uh bart did you used to work in the principalities ah what can I help you for this guy gets around uh we're we're not really looking for anything in particular right guys not really we just want like fun stuff I guess yeah yeah that's like can we yeah we just want something fun and do you have any missed surprise boxes all right it's all uh kind of surprise everything's one coin shells boxes you kind of dig around you find what you want okay should we go dig around let's go go pick an aisle and go dig okay all right we're going picking cool let me just uh find a sort of random treasure generator okay so you guys are each just what digging around yeah rooting around all right um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um first I'll roll first okay roll a d6 I dig in I lift the tile with the tip of my speed I finally found a use for the spear just one just one d6 yeah I'm on it uh you open up this tile in the floor and you find a very simple looking cloth doll skewered with needles whoa what's the doll look like just a very simple like arms legs round head no no distinctive clothing nope no distinctive clothing oh was there like a lock of hair tied to it or anything no just a sack doll with needles in it does it smell weird I mean you found it under a tile in the ground so yes it smells like ground tile weird freaky that thanks one coin one coin wait you're buying this fucking thing I don't know stuck is like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa he smacks the coin out of out of the out of the coin out of Vink's hand.

He's like, whoa, whoa. It could come in useful. We don't know what it is. No, no, no. I've seen this happen too many times to too many friends. What? Never again. This is like a monkey's paw. Yeah, I'm… This is… Dude, this is cursed for sure. Uh-uh. Can you tell us this isn't cursed? Uh-uh. Is that why it was under the floor under something so we would never find it? Uh-uh. Uh-uh. So, yeah. This is fucking… Just get something else. There's a ton of shit here. Guys, I don't know.

You know what? Okay. He reaches for it and he grabs the doll and he puts it behind the counter. Something else. Okay. Sorry. I'm sorry. Did you really want it? No, I got weird vibes from that thing. Okay. Oh, really? That thing gives me the creeps. Sorry. That was on a random thing. That's so funny. We look down at the doll after Sean says, oh, really? And the doll is like turns around. Yeah. And it looks like Ving has got wild gray hair. Okay. So Billy's looking now? Yeah. Roll a d6. One.

Billy finds a silver ring with a green gem set into it. Wow. Shit. Whoa. This is way better. Yeah. This doesn't feel haunted at all. Tastes fine. Billy could taste hauntings, actually. He's 100% right. 100% of the time. Yeah. It could be a coincidence so far. One coin. Okay. Here you go. Pop a coin up on the counter. He takes it, slides it behind the counter. He can write $3.99. All right. Anybody else looking for something? Yeah. I'll try my hand at this shit house. All right. D6. Four.

You find a scarf and it smells faintly of perfume. I take a deep breath of it. It reminds you of somebody. Is it Allison? That's what we're all thinking. And then Tuck, he takes a deep breath of it and he smells the familiar smell of a girl that hurt his feelings. One time. A lot. And then he runs to the front of the counter and then like reaches across and grabs Bart and pulls him in close. He doesn't move. Wow. Holy shit. Strong. Tuck pulls himself across the counter.

And using Bart as leverage. And he's so close to Bart's face and he's like, did a redheaded woman tell you this? No, I need to know. Bart, I fucking swear to God, I'll give you whatever if you tell me this answer to this question. There's nothing you could offer me that I'm interested in. I cannot betray the sacred trust of the general store. I'll give you a hundred gold coins. It was a redheaded woman. I got it. I just spent so much. It's okay. You know what? We're into it. It was worth it.

How long ago is it? No, you have. I just gave you a hundred gold coins. He does the little money finger symbol. No, not another hundred. I'll give you another hundred gold coin if you tell me how long ago she was here. Six months. Fucking shit. She made it back. We're not giving him more of a hundred gold coins. No, I think what other information could we want about her? She's somewhere on this continent and she came back six months ago or was six months ago. Yeah, that's not bad information.

Yeah. Well, was she coming into town or was she leaving? Well, I beg to differ. This hundred bucks says you do know. Oh, that's so fucking funny. Billy pulls on the scarf until Tuck is down to his level. Hey, think logically about this. Allison couldn't have made it back over there and then back again in six months. It was obviously when she got here. Okay. Yeah, you're right. Good. Good thinking, Billy. Good thinking, Ving. I'm just looking at the doll. I think I think I need to go.

I need that doll. No, no. You just spent two hundred dollars on a scarf and you can't the doll doesn't have a mouth, but you can see it in your mind's eye mouthing. I'll be seeing you real soon. What the fuck? Scared. This is a family friendly show. Is it? Sean, I have to go sleep after this. Oh, no. Yeah, Jessica has to go to sleep after this and just before this, she cried. Your description of a scene from how to train your dragon to my early birthday. Oh, honey. And now she's holding a knife.

Her emotions are all over the place right now. Yeah. So that's what he tells you. And you spent two hundred gold figuring that out. Two hundred and one because I bought the scarf to. Wow. Good Lord. Does Ving want to check? This place is full of shit. You guys could keep checking for stuff. Does Ving want to take another take another turn? Yeah, I want to one more thing. The doll's telling me to take it too much. Tell me what to do, doll. I feel like you feel like you want it too much, doll.

Three. You find a copper spoon. Sick. I'll give you two dollars for this spoon and that doll right there. No thing. Are you serious? Two coin. He looks from talk to the guy. Bing ting ting. He takes the two coin puts it behind the counter. God fucking damn it. Ving is gonna be a whole thing now. I'm sorry. He says to the doll. Sorry. I almost left you at anything else. You guys want to grab from general story. You done. We should probably go. Yeah, we should go. Yeah. Talk once one more.

No, let's go. Actually at talk as you turn to leave. You see a dish on one shelf full of coins and you see the glint of obsidian. Oh, yeah. I dig around in there. Yeah, you find a obsidian coin with an eye carved into it. What? And then tuck turns to Bart and he's like about this one coin and they go. Have you ever seen a white one of these? I'm not giving you another hundred coins. Don't need it. I'll give you five coin. If you tell me if you've ever seen a white one of these.

You gave me a taste for wealth. My rate is now a hundred coins. You are so rich now, dude. I am. Yeah. So ever see a white one of these? No. Okay, cool. Well, I'm going to take this one for one coin. Yeah, and I'll give you the five coin for telling me. All right. Don't tell my brother Bartleby that I was accepting bribes. Well, I won't tell him if you give me two hundred coins. Interesting proposition. He goes. Well, and yeah, you had out. General story. Love it. I don't love generals.

I love a general weird fucking place. So where to now? Oh, I want to use a port in the storm. Okay. Yeah. What's a port in the storm? When you return to a civilized settlement that you visited before, tell the GM when you were last here and they will tell you how it's changed since then. Okay. So I've been we were here six months ago when we got. I think we probably got here with chimes. He probably dropped us off. Oh, yeah. Yeah. How it has changed is yeah, chimes is not here.

You kind of cast your eye about the dock from where you are in this like market area and you don't see his boat, but your eye is immediately drawn to a boat that is at the end of the harbor because it's so large and it is without a doubt the clear water fuck and I think that's where we're going to end it for this week. I'm your game master Sean O'Hara joining me as always playing Tacoma Dome. The Barbarian Abdulaziz so long playing being the half elf druid Paul offers. Take care of everybody.

Playing fat Billy the athlete thief Jessica tie by everyone. Thank you to Aaron Reed for our incredible intro and outro music and thank you to you are beautiful listeners for supporting the show.

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