Episode 25 – White Wedding

Hi everyone, it's Fat Billy here. Thanks for coming, listen to our podcast. If you want more podcasts, you can go to patreon.com slash Spout Lore, where you can give us some money. And I like money, so I can buy snacks. Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes, noble and bold. A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old. You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring. So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing.

Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight. Fingers half-elf, he shifts his shape and wields a spear with great might. Billy's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart. Best in bread. They may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts. So gather round friends, and listen close, for the tale's about to start. Hello everybody and welcome to Spout Lore. I'm your game master, Sean O'Hara.

Joining me as always, playing Tacoma Dome, the barbarian, Abdul Aziz. So long every- what? Nope. So long. Hello everybody. Hello. Hello. Playing Ving, the half-elf, Druid Paul Oppers. Take care guys. And playing Fat Billy, the halfling thief, Jessica Tai. And to all a good night. When last we left our heroes, they encountered the danger, or at least one of the dangers, lying within the Fanny Pack's eponymous danger room. Revealing itself to be a creature called, apparently a sentry-peed.

Yeah, it was so gross. That is a little compact mechanical thing that expands into a huge, centipede-like automaton that splits off into multiple parts when damaged. The fight went on for a good while, and the gang was really getting the goods. Yeah. They overcame the sentry-peed, Perel receiving a sealed note from Morris Wadge, which was found within the safe.

Also containing some dried flowers from apparently places that the three had visited in their younger days, and an oil painting, a portrait of happier times. Yeah, it was really cute. That this was the thing that he felt like he needed to protect the most. Yeah. Morris, soft at heart. Yeah. Can't wait to hear what's in that letter. Yeah. Can't wait to bully Perel into telling us what's in that letter. Perel for sure read it as soon as he was alone. Yeah, totally.

Oh yeah, Perel's just in the Fanny Pack. Yeah. Yeah. He's just safe, nestled in Tuck's backpack. Yeah. You boarded the Thunderbirds, Cloudpiercer, and Gale. Gale assuring Tuck that it was not going to be weird that they slept together, by which she meant, I'm not going to be weird. I'm going to be safe. I'm going to be safe. I'm going to be safe. I'm going to be safe.

Gale assuring Tuck that it was not going to be weird that they slept together, by which she meant slept in the same nest for one night. Yeah. It became a whole thing after that. Traveling with them upon their backs to the frozen north, the far, far reaches of the frozen north in Adderneck All Waters Glacier. During their journey passing below the cloud cover, Billy first spotted ships in the distance, which Maggie quickly recognized one at least.

It was the Clearwater itself, stolen from her by the Magi in Fort Forefrost, and it would seem given to, sold to, captured by another pirate by the name of Victoria LeBlanc. Ooh. Infamous. Infamous privateer. So crazy hot, it's insane. I want you to remember that I, Sean O'Hara, your friend, am Victoria LeBlanc. So keep it together. Just got hotter. I could have made her less hot, but I didn't. How could you not take that opportunity? Everybody wants a sexy sword fighting pirate on a show.

That's you know, I mean, Jessica did set the stage with all the way up the leg lace up a heeled leather boots. Yeah. Very low cut white lace top. Yeah, totally. Like to the belly button low cut. Like it's cut down to where the boots end. Like here. Oh wow. Like under the breast. There's very little, the whole middle section, no clothes at all.

The party decided that the best way to approach LeBlanc and her fleet was to stage an amateur theater production in which Cloud Piercer and Gale locked themselves in faux battle. Billy on special effects. Yeah. Tuck playing a bit part as guy with ax. Hero. Hero with ax. Hero approaching. And just didn't say hero in the script. Yeah. And Ving descending from the heavens in a ball of moonlight in the shape of a bird landed upon the deck and narrated the proceedings.

The fight and production went off without a hitch. Everybody was terrified. Yeah. Sabotage was played more than once. Yeah. As is our want. And as is our right. As Americans. As Canadians. As Canadians. As Canadians. To plagiarize the Beastie Boys. And not get charged for it. Try it Beastie Boys. Yeah. Try it Beastie Boys. The web crawlers that look for copyright infringement cannot find us because we are on a podcast host that Wes wrote in 2016 in PHP before he really understood how to code.

We are invincible. The crew arrived on the deck and introduced themselves to Victoria LeBlanc. Before Maggie, who was a big fan of the show, was eliminated. Before Maggie, who had been stonily quiet the entire production, wheeled back and slugged her one right in the chin. To which Victoria LeBlanc said, Maggie could. It has been quite some time. She didn't recognize her face, but she recognized her fist. Exactly. And Maggie, through gritted teeth, just says, where's my fucking cat?

I'm not sure that I know what you mean. Wake her. That's my boat. My cat's on that boat. You tell me where my cat is. And she looks around like, if I had a cat upon my bed, do you think that this cat would be hidden away? I love cats so much. And the guy with the spyglass that we saw earlier kind of hobbles forward. He's limping pretty bad. He's kind of like a heavyset guy with short, graying, dark hair and a close beard. Captain, do you think that it's possible she might mean the ghost? What?

What? Now, do not be silly, Derek. There are no such things as ghosts. I don't know, Captain. There's been some strange goings on on the Clearwater. Food disappearing. Men waking up with bloody scratches all over their bodies. Shadows flitting out of the corner of your eyes. You shut your mouth, you superstitious fear. And then another guy's like, I've seen it. I've seen it. I was working in the kitchen and then a bottle just fell off of the camera for no reason. Ah, I've seen it too.

One time I go to put on me boot and there'll be a hot shit right inside it. And I woke up when I couldn't breathe. A mouthful of fur. You're all superstitious fears. The butt is not haunted and there is no ghost. Then explain this. Somebody drops a bucket of dead mice on the table. Ving's like, looks like these mice died. They died of a heart attack. They died of being too afraid. They're all half like twisted the ring faces. They're all just locked in rigor mortis. In terrified fear.

And Maggie crosses her arms and smiles. That's my cat. What do you guys do? What's your plan here? You're just watching these two women have a conversation. I keep watching. Billy starts like sidestepping away. Like try like get of. I don't know. I don't need you to go look for wicker. Yeah. Uh, 2d6 plus dexterity to sneak away. Five. Okay. So you, uh, you start. Experience. Yeah. It takes some experience and you start creeping away through the crowd.

You're walking through a sea of legs as Billy so often does. I'm singing quietly. I can't stand it. I can't stand it. There's something to it when it can't stand. I can't stand it. And as you think you're like, haha, I've done it. I've gotten away here. Hey, no, come here. A thistle grab. Got you. You little bastard. Let me go. Holds you up and you're looking into the face of Bruno. Bruno. Yeah. What's up? You little sneaky snake. I gotcha. Bruno. Put him down. Or what? Tech picks up a crate.

And throws it at Brut. 26 plus dexterity. I guess dexterity. Yeah. Uh, seven. Uh, it does it. I mean, Billy gets thrown to the ground for sure. But you smash Bruno full on with this crate. It explodes. He hits the ground immediately. He goes, oh. And I grab another stool and I put it on top of him and I sit. And he spits out a bunch of teeth. Just, those aren't my teeth. I just had those in my mouth. Why did you have teeth in your mouth? It's none of your business.

And he reaches his arms out and tries to grab you. I'm gonna get, I'm gonna, this is it. This is finally happening. You're not getting up, dude. It's finally happening. You fuck. Get over here. Bruno, I thought we were friends. We were never friends. I was forced to serve you to save my own skin. The seas are a dangerous place. But that's why friendship matters so much. Everyone on the deck is just like, oh my God. He's right, Bruno. He's right, Bruno. You can't just fucking betray your friends.

There's salos like us, there's salos. Remember when I gave you that extra serving of spaghetti because I didn't want it? I was lying. I did want it. But I loved you, Bruno. And remember when we covered for you? When you were about to commit a mutiny and we… No, I would never commit a mutiny. That's a lie, Bruno. You were definitely… We're friends. We're friends. We're best friends. You were planning a mutiny, dude. I was just playing around, guys. We're friends. You were a younger man then.

I was. And I definitely did not take part in a mutiny. And we all remember that for sure. Yeah, because we covered for you, dude. No, no. You guys better shut the fuck up about that mutiny or I'm going to get killed. You first, you little hip squeak. Can we let you up now? Yeah, good to see you again, my friends. That's what I thought. Captain. It's all good in the hood, baby. Oh, dude. You talked to me. Doug goes, oh. Oh, dude, no. You can't just make up phrases like that, bro.

She can't call her baby, dude. She rolls her eyes really hard. Now that that has been settled, whatever, she kind of wiggles her hand in your direction. This might be. What are you doing up in my vessel in these cold, frigid northern waters? My queen. Which she smirks at. I do not have a crown, but I find many a throne to sit upon. Whoa. This is just Jessica. Sick. And then Tug in his mind is like, can I make a pun that makes my dick a threat?

If only throne rhymed something that could be alluded to. Whatever. I guess nothing. Yeah. Anyway, I go, my queen, we are on a quest. We are heroes sent from across the seas on a sacred mission to save. Not just one land, not just one people, but all peoples in all lands. Oh, interesting. I am on my own quest. They're not as important. I do find myself being a peoples and living in a lands. So I perhaps might support this quest.

And Tug clenches everything to try and make himself look more impressive. Yeah. And he's like, we are heading past the jaws to the tower of a wizard. Hmm. To find. Our destiny. And the salvation of all mankind. Ah, destiny has many a child in these parts. Did you just wink at me? Did you just make a destiny's child joke? So what is it that you wish from me? A chance to reunite our party. One of the most powerful members that we believe resides on Maggie's boat. And Tug tries.

Not to reference his dick when Vink says powerful members. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And by the way, none of us are. We're all trying really hard not to point at what he just said. Well, I'm sure you can understand that the reuniting of old friends aside. And she looks at Maggie who goes, I cannot simply give you this fan vessel that I have, sir. Legitimately came by. Do we want the vessel? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Boat I paid a lot of money that boat was in the fucking mud a year ago jesus yeah this is I lived on that boat for months yeah victoria where did you pay for this boat where did you get it who gave it to you this is not that not that liberty to share such that does with you did you buy it from the medja that stole it from us perhaps okay so yeah maggie wants her boat back okay what can we do what are we gonna do can I wealth and taste perhaps or like can we parlay with uh with victoria I have been boozle which means when I parlay with someone I hate you take plus one forward against them and I also have plus one forward against her right now and I have like a plus three charisma so I could try and parlay with her yeah what so what are you planning to offer some other boat a replacement marriage a lifetime of bliss and happiness yeah that's actually tuck offers that he's like what is a life on the sea without someone to share it with he says as he stares out at the ocean uh-huh uh tucks got his hand on one of the looking out into the distance I have shared my life on the sea with uh many people and I will share it with many more okay I mean there is one thing that I do know I is very valuable up here on the season everywhere else and that is a cold a hard a cage cash pay me buy the boat of me how much let me look at the book to see how much a boat is worth bring me the bird book bring me the bird pick we did establish last time that a merchant ship is worth 5 000 gold coin which is actually what ving's ransom is well that's interesting isn't it isn't that a fascinating proposal neat isn't it oh because we do want to give ving back to his dad at some point yeah isn't that interesting we do want to do it let's claim the reward let's make this happen yeah so tell her that and it's like what what an interesting thing that has just come into my brain and formulated into a series of words that I'm now telling to you okay so here's the deal my friend ving you might also know him as prince of the boreal reach son of dathaniel the ranger king lobo there's currently a bounty out for him for 5 000 gold coin approximately the price of one and I point at the clear water merchant vessel merchant vessel doing the vanna white standing on the side on the railing of the ship and pulls back the mass aside the mass to reveal pulls a sail back yes here's what I'm proposing we'll let you turn us in to dathaniel to claim that reward you give maggie her ship back and we'll call it even you get yourself a new bow with 5 000 shiny new gold coins yeah and as an added bonus if you want what I and honestly I don't even care stop crying no buddy are you crying no I'm not I'm just sweating so it's so hot are you getting on one knee it's no I'm not I'm just sweating so it's so hot are you getting on one knee it's no I'm not One of his legs is just bending It's just so hot up here I had to get closer down to the ground Where it's colder My right thigh is tired Involuntarily fishing around in his backpack For a ring He's trying not to propose But if you If you did want to And this is so fucking stupid I don't even want to do it But it would be so fucking funny Right?

If we just like got married Monogamously larried Would it be so fucking hilarious If we got I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry To each other So yeah whatever But that's the Proposal Okay roll the 2d6 plus charisma Okay A lord of flame please Okay Okay Okay Let Victoria Blanche marry me, please, God. Five plus three plus one. Yeah. Eight. So that's nine. Uh-huh. So someone aids me and I become a ten. Yes, I will aid. I show her the poster with $5,000. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Perfect.

Well, you aid all of them. I… Hold on, hold on. Cloud Pierce has shown me this thing. I can do this. 286 plus bond. Nice. Ten. Okay. Sick. Ten. I cough up a perfectly rolled up poster. It's the laminated one. Oh, yeah. She puts her gloved hand to her chin, satin gloves. She smirks. She looks around at the boat. She looks at Ving. She looks at Tuck and Billy, who she smiles at. She gives Billy a little wink. And Billy looks around like, me? I accept. And then Tuck gets up. He's on one knee.

He gets up and goes, she said yes! Yes! Yes! She said yes! She puts a hand to her chest and laughs gaily. It's gonna be a wedding! I can see what's happening. But we don't have a clue. They'll fall in love and here's the bottom line. Our trio's down to two. The sweet caress of twilight. She joins in. There's a Jamaican guy up in the crow's nest that's like, kiss, there you go. So, yeah, she says she accepts. She accepts. And I also get a plus one forward against her? Yep. Okay. Yeah. Cool.

You always get so excited about bamboozle, but I think every time you see the word bamboozle, you forget what the move is. It sucks. It gives you a plus one forward when you parlay with somebody. It's a useful move. It's just not as like, narrative changing. Yeah. Taking on a lot of parlays. Exactly. This is great. That was amazing. Yeah. I can't believe we're getting married. Oh my God, guys. Can I be your best man? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. We were trying to get out of the glacier, out of Adernach All Waters Tower. Oh, you want to go to the glacier first? Yeah, we gotta. No, no, no. That was not the deal. No, you didn't. We didn't talk about this. No, the deal was we go. You said the order of events was we go and we turn your friend in for the bounty. And then I get the new ship. And Tuck laughs and he's like, oh, this is so us. Oh, is it not?

We would not want to start our new relationship on and wink. There's the tip of a blade. On such poor standing would we, my love. Tuck presses the blade into his neck. He like leans forward and he's like, no, we wouldn't. And he pulls his axe out and like lays it against her throat. It's quite important that we go to the glacier first. I guess another. Danger charisma. Okay. Or I guess the parlay is I'll kill you. I guess we'll kill each other on the deck of the ship. And we're insane.

This is already the most toxic relationship that's ever existed. What a surprise. The first person. The first person that says yes to Tuck is out of her mind. No, Ruby said yes. That's true. I guess. All right. 2d6 plus charisma. 10 plus one is 11. So that. So your axe blade. Is to her neck. Her sword tip is pressed under your chin. And we're like pushing into each other's weapon. Yeah. And she leans forward and plants a fucking kiss right on your lips. And pulls back. Laughs.

Sheathes her sword. Says. All right. We go north. Tuck passes out. It's the deck. It's the deck. We'll cut forward a little bit. Are the. Are the Thunderbirds like circling above us? I think. Cloud piercer was like, I'll be back when you need me. Okay. Cause this was part of the game was that I was a bad boy. So I gotta go. Yeah. And Gail just poof. Yeah. In fact, it's the kind of thing she took off and the front of the boat almost dipped underwater with the power of her takeoff.

She took off when Victoria and I got married. Yeah. No, you. It's you guys kissed and then boom. There was a sonic boom as Gail took off in the disguise. And yeah, we'll cut forward a bit. Yeah. All the boats are underway. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. Where like Maggie is, I don't know, doing boat stuff, like coiling a rope or whatever and looking into through like a window into the cabin and sees Tuck and Victoria in the captain's cabin having like wine and like cheese and shit.

Billy's with Maggie right now. Like they didn't even invite us. I mean, I guess we were there for the wedding. This is their honeymoon, I guess. What? Maggie, when did they get married? When she accepted his proposal. She points at Ving. Captains are legally empowered. To marry people on their vessel. Tuck and Victoria are legally married now. What? Yeah. I didn't even get to do any best man stuff. Tuck's so far away.

I mean, Billy, there'll be one day a real actual land wedding that will be important to all of you. This is going to end poorly. This is not the wedding. So don't worry. There'll be… We got to… God, Tuck is fucking screwed. I don't know. Ving says looking in the porthole. And we rack focus to the two figures through the window and into the cabin. Yeah. And she's swirling a goblet of wine in her hands. And he's swirling a goblet of cheese in his. Cheese cubes. No, not even cheese cubes.

It's cheese whiz. It's like liquid cheese. Like fondue. Like, wow. It's thick. It is. You could have some wine if you want. You don't have to drink the cheese. That's for fondue. I'm kind of in a bulk phase. I'm doing a keto thing right now. So I can't really have wine. Ah, wee wee. Yeah. But I can wee wee too. I'll go wee wee. He's like, good idea. And he goes… You read my mind, darling. This is so sweet. Yeah. So tell me, how is it that you know Maggie Kern? Oh, man. Man, Maggie.

Long time listener. First time caller. Yeah, we met. Maggie and I met in Mudlark. She was pretending to be Muckraker, who was kind of like a… Is it an alter ego kind of thing? And then we found a box with a wizard in it. Tuck's not holding anything back. And he's like, but we didn't know there was a wizard in it then. She asked us to take it to a vault. We didn't. Cracked the box. Wizard came out. Came out. Killed Ving. Billy and I went to the spirit world to bring him back. Found him.

Brought him back. And then when we came back, Maggie was there. So pissed off. So pissed off. Oh, Maggie is a very intense personality. Yeah, yeah. Bunch of other stuff happened. And then we took it to the vault. But we had made friends with the wizard that was inside of it. And then he begged to not be left there. So I let him out. Smashed the box with this axe. Oh. And she reaches, and she kind of like puts a hand on the handle of the axe. It's a very impressive weapon.

And when she touches it, TLC go, whoo. Oh my God, bro. She's fucking touching us, bro. And then we went to McCall after that for a while. And then Maggie showed up pissed because we let the wizard out. And then we realized at that point that the entire world was ending because there was no magic. So now we're going to the glacier, which belonged to a wizard called Adonai Gallwater to see if there's another box there with another wizard who might be able to help us get magic back.

Because Perel doesn't have his magic anymore because of a thing I did by accident. So when you say Perel does not have his magic anymore, that means he's what? Still with you? Yeah, he is. He's in the fanny pack. Fanny pack. And Tuck is like, yeah, I have like a little… Yeah, Ving and Billy's eyes are winding. We're looking at each other like, dude, you know what? Maybe shut… Maybe no more fondue for you. And we bust in the door. Yeah, both big kick. My kick doesn't do anything. Well, yeah.

You kick a second after I do. Just a tiny little like going… There's the newlyweds. Whoa, look at you in the cheese. Loose lips sink ships. Let's take this away. Did you guys break into the cabin? Yeah, I'm going to steal the fanny pack without Tuck noticing. Oh, please. Take a seat. There is more than enough fondue in one for everyone. Thank you. And she grabs some stools and chairs. Come, come. Why, thank you. And Billy does a deep bow where he's stealing the fanny pack off Tuck's waist.

Okay, 2D6 plus dexterity. Oh, it's in my backpack. Oh, from his backpack. Yeah, totally. I'm doing a big flourish, like hello to Victoria. Okay. And so you're doing a big hello? Flourishy like dance, like oh, mind if I dance with the bride? So I'm grabbing her like… Oh, yeah. Oh, spin around. Perfect. And yeah, Billy, so on a seven to nine, you get up on the backpack and start opening up to get the bag. But Tuck does know that you're on his back. You're saying a lot of stuff.

And I don't trust her near the fanny pack. Oh, yeah, okay. I know she's my stepmom and everything, but it's going to take time to get to know her. You know what? I don't think there's ever been a situation in fiction where stepmothers have not been. Does Tuck realize that he is actually married? He does not know that he's married. He's just like, that was a great kiss. She's really leaning into this bit and it's hilarious. Billy is so cute that Billy keeps saying stepmom like that.

And Vick's trying to drop hints too. He's like, I can't believe that it's been four hours since your actual marriage. And Tuck like laughs and he's like, guys. That's a good way to put it. That is so funny. Since your actual legally binding maritime life. Law marriage. And Tuck's like, oh man. And boy, are my arms tired. I just flew in from my honeymoon. Boy, I just got married. My arms tired. From jerking off so much. Am I right, guys? I wouldn't know. I'm not actually married to this woman.

And she laughs and laughs and she's flinging her hair around as Vick says, and she's like, I'm not actually married to this woman. And she's flinging her hair around as Vick says, and her dancing around the cabin, which is very ostentatiously furnished. Like maybe the highest concentration of expensive shit you've ever seen in one place. Oh, cool. Like fine silk cushions and goblets, plates, platters of all precious metals, weapons, ancient and new, just all over the fucking place.

This is like Ruby's lair, but times a hundred. Yeah, this is like Ruby's lair. If Ruby was an actual pirate and not someone pretending. Not a drama student? Actor. Exactly. And she actually, something that I keep forgetting and messing up is that Victoria has said several times that she is a privateer. Oh. Yes. Not a pirate. Yeah. So she has said specifically she's a privateer. What does that mean? What? A privateer? Yeah.

That means I'm legally employed by a government or a nation to wage war on the seas on their behalf. Oh, cool. Yes, we. What nation? The Firefields Principality. Oh, cool. Under the princeps of Blacklass. Oh, cool. So that is what I do. I sail up and down the coast. I am, you know, I take a ship here and there. And perhaps I take a bit of private contract work on the side. Cool. Yes. But you will know all about that soon, my sweet honey bun.

And she reaches out and like grazes Tuck's cheek as she swirls by dancing with Ving. And Tuck's like, I can't wait to learn, my cinnamon bun. And Maggie is like, arms crossed. My cinna bun. I can't wait to cover you in white goo. Oh, Jesus Christ. My cinna bun. Cinna bun. Fucking hell. Maggie is leaning in the doorway, arms crossed, watching all this happen. Uh, Vicky, I don't mean to interrupt, but I'd like to go over to the clear water now, if that's all right. Of course. It is at Matt.

Me vessel as su vessel is not the fake language I speak, but it is something that all of the listeners will understand the shorthand for. Go for it. And Maggie nods, looks at Tuck pointedly, and then looks at Ving and Billy, and then leaves. Twirls her way. I'll go on with Maggie. Very well. I would love some tamerlan with my sweet beloved. I'm staying here with you guys. Well, me and this cheese are going to also go to the clear water. I'll also go with Maggie. Okay.

And then Tuck, as Billy shuffles out, he's like, all right, just go easy on the cheese. It's very heavy. No problem. And he says this sitting on a toilet, on a commode. Make sure you wear enough layers, my sweet. I would not want you to catch a cold. And Billy looks at Victoria like, don't tell me what to do. Hey, do not talk to your mother that way. Don't talk to him like that. Things my mother. You're just my stepmother. And I slammed the door.

This family dynamic just got interesting and complicated. The children's super cautious. He would have come to find me charming as everyone does. I'm sure. I'm sure. Now, and she spins. This dynamic is interesting. She spins away from Ving and lands in the chair at the table and crosses one leg over the other leg, like right at the knee. So it's just like boot, boot. And her like sarong is kind of, you know, draped very, she's not doing this. I mean, maybe this is just how she looks. Yeah.

Maybe this is something that she's trying to do. So we have much time before we get to the North. Is there anything that you would like to go over anymore? Tell me more of your adventures. Tell me more of this parade. What do you know of the Ranger King? Oh, just stories and tales. Yeah. As much as anyone else does his victory over the beast of the bloody hills, the battle, uh, falling leaves. Um, what is the best of the bloody Hughes? Oh, it was some sort of great monster.

Describe this monster. These are, she holds up her hands. These are stories and tales. I, these are nuts. Ah, yeah. Dear step wife. I love a good story. It is, it is said that there are many centuries ago, there was a monster of some kind living on the hillside in the forest. And this monster would come down and it would raid the hillside and destroy many villages in the forest. It's great teeth gnashing and growing and ending Elven lives.

It's great paws swiping through tearing trees up by the route until the Thania, the Ranger King went out with burr and arrow stalked the beast, did better and took it down with a single arrow to the heart. An arrow like this. And Ving pulls out the Raven fledged arrow. Ah, this is a beautiful thing. She reaches out, plucks it from your hand and kind of twirls the, I was going to say, cause it is the word she twirls the shaft. This is a beautifully made missile weapon.

And I would not be surprised if one such as the Thania would use it. She flicks her hand out and the arrow shoots out of her grip and sticks into a wooden post. Tuck sitting next to Ving and he grips his arm. So, so tight. And then he leans in and he's like, literally everything she does makes me so fucking horny. It's crazy. Easy, big fella. And this is one tale of many that have been told of the Ranger King. Your father. This is so. So called. Fascinating.

The man who raised me under the lie of father. Ah, yes. I know family complications. Well, I'm family is not there who we are born to, but who we choose to keep close. And then tuck is like, you're right. Family is who we die for. This true. And many, many of my spouses have died for me in the past. I have dispatched many a family. Maybe all is like, God, for some reason, my brain keeps thinking of like a Venus fly trap. And I don't, I don't know why. Get out of my head.

I keep thinking of Venus fly trap or like praying mantis. I don't, I, and I can't get out of their brain. I'm trying to be horny about this woman. Well, I suppose you and your father will be reunited soon. And I will come away. If I've doesn't come reach you. And one husband shorter. Another family member fed, to the wolves. We shall see. Narrowing eyes. We shall see. Well, that's it for me. I'm tired. All right.

At this time for a husband and wife to be alone, I took pastor because he drank too much cheese. Oh, thank God. Well, perhaps another time. There is no rush to consummate the marriage. You know, that depends when it depends. It's true. She winks a little bit laughs and then goes and lays down next to tuck and, uh, she's really doing everything she can. She walks over to the bed and is like, and now I think that I will take my rest as well.

And she turns to Ving as he's in the doorway, tucks dead asleep. She cocks one leg and starts undoing the ties on her boot. Whoa. And he says, yes. Retrieves the arrow from the doorframe. We shall see you tomorrow. Good night. Good night. Sleep. Why? And he turns. And as he's leaving, he says, Oh, I will. I will. I was, I was, I was got too long. Oh, can I, I will. You can hear the gears grinding in his head to come up with something. I'm gonna sleep. All right.

And don't you let the bed bugs bite. And we cut to the clear water abilities on his hands and knees scrambling around. The bed bugs. And that is a new adjective. I don't know. Yeah. But yeah, he's, he's looking around for, for, um, for wicker. Yeah. Maggie, the second she hit the deck on the clear water was grabbing people and was like, get the fuck out, go back over there. And people are like, you can't, you can't say this shit to me. I, I, I work on this boat.

All my stuff's here too, but she is like, exactly. Yeah. You see some of the people from the clear water, like, so relieved. Yeah. So there's like, Oh my God, Maggie. Oh my God. You're back. Oh, it was terrible. I'm so scared. You gotta help me. They made me wear these tight leather pants. I don't look good in them. I'm allergic to baguettes, but you're just crawling around going wicker, uh, discern realities. 2d six plus wisdom. Oh, I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go.

I'm going to go. Six, six. Okay. You crawl around on the ground like an animal. Yes. A candlelight flickering over you as the lanterns in this room are the only thing lighting it as you like crawl between two bunks, like the light casts over you. But just as you're about to cross the passage, two legs thunk down as someone gets up from the cot, you see they're wearing shorts because it's sailors, uh, it's cold, but he's wearing shorts, right?

Cause he's Canadian and you see crawling up his legs tattoo designs that look very familiar. Is it a, a magic? It is a magic. It's a magic. Billy clamps his own most sharp. What are you doing here? What do you mean? What am I doing here? This is my boat since when? Since forever. Fuck you. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. Fuck you. Billy on.

She's one of his knives. Can you see who it is? No step. I'm going to back stab. Oh, you're just going to go for it. Yeah. All right. Attack a surprise or a defenseless enemy. Two to six plus dexterity. 11. Fuck. Yes. So on an 11 with back stab, what does it say? I choose two of the following. I don't get into melee with them and then I deal damage. Okay. Yeah. Go for it. I'm going to deal damage, which is a D eight plus a D six. Okay. Jesus. Six. Six. Okay. So are you trying to kill this guy?

No, I just want to make sure he doesn't hurt Maggie. Yeah. So as with anything, damage can be a lot of stuff. It doesn't have to be. I am taking blood from this person's body. So what do you do? How do you get him in a position where he can no longer fight back? I hate to do it, but the back of the knee. Oh yeah. I stab it into the back of his knee. They're not like the deepest. Yeah. That's true. Yeah. He's not going to be able to do much. Uh huh.

So he cries out and hits the ground and it is a guy that you are not familiar with. What's your name? Oh God. Slap his face. Eric. But E R E K fantasy style. That sounds about right. Kind of McCall. And this is Eric. Who do you work for? What do you mean? I work on the boat. With who? With what's her face? Blah Blanche. Blah Blanche. Blah Blanche. Blah Blanche. Blah Blanche. Blah Blanche. Blah Blanche. Blah Blanche. Why'd you stab me? Because. I thought you were going to hurt Maggie.

Why would I do that? I don't know. Because you look scary. Oh. And you said. Who are you. Yeah. Because somebody's on the boat that I don't recognize. I'm really sorry. You had really scary tattoos and you put your feet down really slow. Like a murderer would. And. And. And. Um. I didn't know what to do. You. You know what. You made the right move. And he throws his hand down.

Down and a burst of air throws Him to his feet and he starts sprinting Away from you two he can't move Well he starts sprinting and His steps on his stabbed leg And the leg starts to bend underneath Him and then you hear And a cat comes Shooting out of a cupboard And just hits him in the side Of the head and takes him down Onto a cot where he smacks his head And just skids to a halt I knew it Let's tie him up Moments later he's tied up in rope And I'm leading up against him with a Wicker I missed you so much I missed you how are you Why do you Keep doing this why do you guys Keep fucking me up Cause you keep running away and acting like a Bad guy I am a bad guy Well I'm gonna I have to wait until my parents come and talk to you What are you talking about Just Go to sleep or something Does Maggie know who this person is Maggie doesn't know this person specifically But she like spits on the ground Next to him I want to Spout Lore who he is Eleven Yeah so this is mostly information Interesting and useful That you would kind of put together Roth though not the leader of the magi Was leading a faction of the magi Some of which Were responsible for Taking the clear water and Getting away This Eric guy Seems to be You would think a magi who Was just kind of like alright Roth something happened I'm gonna lay low Victoria LaBlanche has the ship now I'm just gonna try And keep my head down and wait And you guys sort of Just surprised him He is a victim of circumstance In a lot of ways but honestly A good instinct on Billy's part because If he was left to his own devices he probably Would have tried something and now he's Just like we should have Killed you when we had the chance Yeah well You didn't and now look at you A little kid and a cat beat the shit out of you And you're tied up on a boat And we're gonna throw you overboard I hope you do I hope a shark swallows me whole Yeah you heard me I don't even care if I die Wow this guy has a real Gerard Way Vibe When I was a young boy my father he took me into the city To see a marching band He said son when you grow up Will you be the savior of the broken The beaten and the damned And I said fuck yeah I will And that's when I joined the Magi Wow Got some really cool tattoos Thanks man You guys are here too No this is just me Well I guess Ving might be here Just wanders into the cabin from the other boat I heard screaming and a puff of air I heard a puff of air Look what I found Oh I pulled the Magi knife and put it to his throat Who are you?

I'm Eric I'm a Magi I am a Magi Look I just kind of ended up here I'm sort of representing the fact That we all know that the Magi took the ship early on And I'm just sort of like a piece of evidence About past events History Sad dressing all you gotta do is let me go And I'll be gone you'll never see me again I don't think so we're holding you here for a while Why but why if what What do you get out of this?

Shut up Just shut up He's slapping me in his little hands I've heard enough about your marching bands Just stay quiet until our dad gets here So what cut to the morning When Tuck finally wakes up From all the cheese and wine that he Just cheese that he had Yeah he had cheese sleeps And Victoria is in bed next to you She's got her cheek on her fist And her propped up on her knee Tuck has so much saliva in his beard In his saliva Good morning my sweetheart And Tuck like is like Oh dear And he puts a hand next to his mouth To just cover up the giant pool of spit And he's like Whoa Good to see you this morning And then he realizes that she's Totally fucking nude She's like artfully draped In the silk sheets that she has But she's definitely nude under that Okay Whoa So early So So early So much This morning Yes the sun has risen On a bright new day We shall be approaching the jaws Probably by nightfall But we will want to pass in the day of course Yes We do want to do that Yes In the daytime In the daytime Bright The bright light of day Which means We have some time to kill Okay She's sort of swirling a finger Along like She's like connecting the coin pieces In time to time To Tuck's chest With her finger And then Tuck Also realizes That somehow He's nude too You look so uncomfortable Who sleeps in a sweaty old loincloth Usually me Yeah that's usually how I do it I laid out something new for you What did you lay What It is a Burgundy Silk Loincloth Okay This is nice Isn't it?

It is nice Much more breathable And it seems you are not bothered by the cold Oh yeah No I don't really get that cold Other than the silk Would be perfect for you Okay Enjoy my sweet Okay So we're not doing anything right now or Yeah I mean Strike while the iron is hot No I don't feel like I still have a lot of cheese in me so Probably not a good thing for anybody right now Very well And Tuck like Gets up and like He does that thing where he hops to like To put his loincloth on Yeah but it's like he puts the new one on And he's like cool this is great Thank you so much And I Am Like Tuck's loincloth His original one Is quite stiff So you can't really tell What's going on underneath Yeah But you can really tell He's Really hard Oh my god And yeah So what you just leave the room Yes Grab your stuff Grab your axe and your backpack Yeah My boner smacks against the door A couple of times A couple of times Cause he goes Sorry He runs out He's like sorry I forgot my axe Sorry And my backpack Toodaloo Bye And you see that she's getting up up She's getting up out of bed as you're leaving The sheet's just falling off of her I go back one more time It's like I forgot My Boob And you walk out of the room Walk out onto the deck The cold air of the north Mercifully Taking care of any weird situations Anyone else might be a part of Holy shit Wow Holy shit I know right Who's this?

Oh my name be Gerard Oh Gerard dude Oh my god I just saw Victoria Blanchnagel And it is Quite a sight Oh god yeah Yup Do you know where my Uh What's it called? What are they called? The Family Family is Family is Maybe on the clear water Okay cool I'm gonna go over there okay?

I Cool Don't care what you do Okay Don't point that thing at me And we cut to the clear water Yeah Tuck Doesn't even use like a gangplank or anything He just hurriedly takes a leaping jump across The two decks And uh You get to the other side you find Maggie Billy and Ving And Maggie sees you in the Burgundy silk loincloth And starts laughing immediately Oh no Is it that bad?

It's just It's Hanging there It's like a little Fancy handkerchief Okay guys You just wear Whatever Already You've been You've been married for She looks at a wristwatch She's apparently wearing Twelve hours And you're already wearing The clothes she sits out for you Wait what? We I just proposed We're not married We're engaged Oh Oh Tacoma What?

Maritime law my boy Tac you're married You're married No No Tac There was no priest There was no Doesn't have to be Captain is priest and parishioner both Neither of us Cut off our pubes And threw them into the holy flame This isn't McCall Your rituals have no play on the seas And she reaches out Very sarcastically And grips your hand in both hands And goes Many happy returns to the groom She said that she Kills a lot She A lot of her exes Are dead Yup Okay She's got a long list of Deceased lovers Fuck Fucking fuck Yeah but they didn't have A family behind them Maybe They did Some of them Yup Some of them just Just excited loners Some of them Wealthy noblemen Wealthy noble women Whoever kinda Hoves into view really She I Yeah Okay Well She Okay Um Okay Yeah God You guys didn't Did you No no no Consummate No I drank too much cheese last night Uh But Jing and Billy both nodding Oh yeah Cheese dick Yeah You got cheese dick But uh Uh I I'm trying to think Of what to do But I saw her boobs So Yeah All I can think is the word boobs I know you get that way When you see boobies You know what We can think about this later Boobs Boobs Boobs Boobs Boobs Boobs Boobs Boobs Boobs Boobs Boobs Just throw me overboard I want a shark to eat me Well I'm not going to do anything that you want Eric which is his name Don't say it like that Is this a magi?

What are you doing here? What am I doing here? I'm undercover As a sailor? But Roth is dead dude What? Roth is dead Oh sorry I forgot to Mention the really important part to you Fuck He's been dead for like a while Yeah a month You didn't feel it? I did I didn't know what it was He's gone I think you're kind of alone in this I cannot be the last magi There's no way I think a lot of them might have Passed away Or scattered How do you think we got this?

Magi knife Alright now I really want you to throw me overboard What? Roth is dead for real Oh yeah I hold up the vial I have some of his tattoo Yeah he extended himself too far In the fight And uh We tried to save him but he He decided he would rather die Uh We gave him like a A Macallan burial What was he trying to do? He thought he was bringing balance Yeah that's what he told us He was doing But he was trying to get the power of the moon His eyes widen a little bit?

Yeah No Yeah No He was trying to take that power into himself Using Ving's blood Oh my god Lord of the flame Alright Well And he His hands are tied by his sides But he kind of goes Well Like shrugs Yeah But his hands are just down by his knees Well that's it for me I'm done I'm done I don't wanna I'm not I'm done What do you mean you're done?

I don't wanna do I'm I can't go back to Macall There was already sort of a fractious situation within the Medjay And if I go back they'll kill me So What do you wanna do with me? Where's your home? Here I guess On the boat now I can't I was born Raised in Macall Joined the Medjay I can't go back Can't go back Burned two of my hands Too many bridges Literally? Uh well And he goes Flicks his hands out And there's a little poof of air Not literally but Why don't you just cut me loose?

And then I promise Not to kill you Cause I have no reason to Do you Really promise? Yeah I promise Do you pinky promise That you won't ever hurt us? Well you gotta Ever again? You gotta free my arm if I'm gonna pinky promise You can pinky promise from here Can I? Is this binding? We will show you trust He sticks out a pinky From by his knees It is binding Okay Yeah I promise not to hurt you Do I have to roll for it? What does it say?

I don't know if you do This says when Oath when someone promises something You may spend a point Oh I'm a fairy child Oh yeah Okay so that's So if you have any fairy child left I do Okay Alright yeah I promise not to hurt you Only pinky promise Uh huh I unlash him Alright Fix up his leg Sorry about that Oh It'll heal in a couple weeks Yeah Okay well I'm gonna go Get some grub And see What the captain needs Or something Take it slow I uh Pull a bunch of cheese cubes Out of my pocket You can have these If you want No No Okay Keep them Those are for you You're a growing boy Bye Bye Thump Drag Thump Drag Thump Drag Maybe we should put a referral Into our ship counselor For that guy Yeah He just lost a lot Wicker is purring happily On Billy's lap Good to see you Wick Oh right You can talk to me We can all talk now Oh shit Because you all have the rings Wow Thing it's so nice to see you again So nice to For I didn't know it was possible Got even More Beautiful Can you believe that I'm doing all of this With just Rat meat I can You're always a wizard in the kitchen Oh my god I'm just resplendent Just a second I put the ring My ring on Maggie for a moment Hello Marguite It is So amazing to see you I Defended this vessel With my life She reaches down And she just Grabs You know when you grab a cat by the head Cause you're like I fucking love you so much You don't No Tuck Abdul has no idea what I mean And also Tuck doesn't know you Yeah He doesn't really like cats that much And she's like She reaches She kneels down And kisses Wicker on the forehead She's like You did an amazing job Wicker rubs her face against Maggie's And she hands the ring back I will I will be I will be borrowing that for sure I'd love to talk to my cat Anytime you want it So Now we're reunited What are we doing?

Are we taking the ship back? Are we gonna kill them all?

So here's a question For you guys Uh huh We're going to the vault right now Uh huh Uh On the ship Yeah But we don't need to We could take the Thunderbirds And just go do that Uh huh And quickly And then come back and meet them And then we'd be Picking up with our Pay Paying her Uh Off with the reward for me Yeah But what if we cut the ropes That are attached to the other boat We just Float away We just have your boat back Here's the question is Do we think we could win a naval battle Against Victoria LaBlanche?

The answer is no Yeah So should we just Play the part? Until we get there? I guess so But we could also see If we want to just Take the Thunderbirds right? We can tell her that We need to go do this first And we'll get her Her money faster Yeah I suppose so She's canny though I'm not entirely sure That she bought the Thunderbird display Entirely to begin with What?

Well she didn't need to It was so real though It was very impressive Absolutely But she is She can see through Anybody It is a little showy Thing says Uh huh Uh huh Uh huh Uh huh Uh huh Uh huh A little gauche maybe So we got two options Uh huh Either we see If we can convince her To let us take the Thunderbirds Up to the vault Or we do this whole thing At Bicey Let's try to convince her Yeah I think we should At least see her Alright So you're gonna go Talk to Victoria?

Yeah Yeah And she is Striding about the deck Being very captainly Mmhmm She's actually She's standing On the front of the boat With one foot up On the thing With like a spyglass Looking to the north And Tuck goes up to her And is like Hey babe Uh Quick question Yes my love My Altamorels Oh I You're What? My sweet summer breeze Oh yeah My Uh My Dirty Winter storm Fuck No actually It's pretty good What do you desire of me?

You'll have me mind By the answer Oh that's great Because I Oh That's great Oh that's perfect For I have Also I have a question For you What is it?

How would you feel Hypothetically If Me and the boys We had We have a thunderbird You saw it We take that thunderbird Her name is Gale Nothing weird happened Between us It's ancient history Uh And we We fly up to the vault And we do the thing That we want to do It's pretty quick And then We can fly back here And then It's Faster You'll get Your 5000 coins faster We can just head Straight back She holds up a hand To Cheer City Old Cheer Wherever She's shaking her hand Back and forth No no my dear I would Love nothing more Than to take this quest With you I could not bear To part from my sweet Ocean lily I will defend you With my life And I Cannot bear The thought of you Going to this Dangerous Arcane place alone Risking your life Without me By your side Stepmom Uh We would protect Him with All of our lives And oh no But uh What to protect Who would If you protect him With your life Who protects your life I must protect your life Your sweet Dear stepmother Step Wife In-law One of your Entrustee crew And They need you here Also Kind of Low-key You're not Invited Oh no no You do not understand My dear brother-in-law It is not that I am not invited It is that You are not Not permitted Oh um Oh But But But We could parlay Stepmom Yeah let's parlay We could parlay with something What does she want?

More money What if we offer To bring her with us To the vault Well yeah But she Is way too interested in Magic I'm gonna use One of my fairy childs To charm Victoria Mmm Oh Stepmother Do we Really need Your permission And if we do We would We would be Ever so grateful And I would be The best step Son That you ever saw And Tuck Like leans in He's like Babe I'm so sorry But I kind of Promised them Before I even knew We were getting married That we were gonna do this Yeah he promised me This trip Yeah look at him He's so sad That we might not Be able to do it And he's got Big eyes That are like Sparkly You can see Her eyes glitter When she looks at Billy's glittering eyes Billy uh Clasps his hands Together in a little prayer And then like Kicks his small leg up Yeah And a squirrel Like runs across He doves A little finch Lands on Billy's shoulder Please Uh and Billy You see Her face Undergoing A process That You've seen A couple times before She is really Fighting your charm Whoa And she grits Her teeth And she You see a tear Forming In the corner Of her eye Ah You do not Understand I cannot Allow you To reach The vault Before me And her hand Is like Shaking As it's moving Towards Her sword No Stepmother And I put my hands On her Hand I also was going For her hand And Billy's like Pushing it And he feels resistance He's like This always works Yeah you can feel Just sheer Force of will And she's Gritting her teeth You can hear like Her jaw Like pop A little bit And her hand Darts to her sword And draws her blade Whoa And she lunges At Maggie A perfect Fencer's lunge Whoa What do you do I kick The hand that's Holding the rapier To get it out of her hand 2d6 plus dexterity Oh fuck The worst stat Seven Shit You kick her hand As she like Lunges at Maggie And it just like Arcs up and cuts Up her cheek Whoa And she takes the spin And she kicks it up And uses the momentum To spin kind of Around the outside And you can see That she's coming To lunge at you now I get in between The two of them I pull up some wood From the deck Okay yeah So Elemental mastery 2d6 plus con I failed I got six Oh I'll I aid I cling on to Victoria's arm And I say Please Stepmother Yeah totally So you just roll 2d6 plus bond It gives me an extra Second to pull Up some wood Nine Nine So that's a seven Instead of a six Yeah so you have to Choose one from the list Of elemental mastery The effect I desire Comes to pass I want to take her Rapier into some wood Like a shield So you don't Maintain control And you pay nature's price Uh yeah The sword pierces Right through a board Yeah Like she hits it Right on the seam That just sends it Through the wood And splits the wood Oh yeah And Tuck like Steps into it And like Takes the rapier In his like gut And like grabs Her wrist And he's like Uh Till death do we part Ving just says that Before I have a chance To get anything else Till death do You To part Uh yeah So you gotta roll Unencumbered unharmed Oh yeah In sickness And in death Twelve Twelve Wow So on a twelve plus You I take half the damage That I would've gotten Otherwise And then on a ten plus You also defeat Expose or frustrate Your oppressor With your stubbornness Okay First you're gonna roll A d12 Twice and take the better Okay That's ten And that's three So you're gonna take Five damage Okay So yeah The sword sinks Into your torso But it doesn't Really hurt all that much Strangely But you do feel The blade sink Into your side Okay And now you're separated By a length of steel And boards from the ship And then he knees her In the stomach Oh Jesus Christ Oh And she is kind of She puts a hand on a knee She coughs up A bunch of phlegm Yeah After getting hammered In the chest I am sorry my love But I cannot allow you To reach The glacial tower Before me And her crew Draws weapons She reaches into her boot And pulls out a long Stiletto And they charge And that's where we're Gonna end it for this week Fuck yeah Oh cool Sick I'm your game master Sean O'Hara Joining me as always Playing Tacoma Dome the Barbarian Abdulaziz So long everybody Playing Ving the Half-Elf Druid Paul Oppers Take care And playing Fat Billy The Halfling Thief Jessica Tai Why didn't it work?

I mean it It kind of My move It kind of did I love it Yeah But I guess we'll learn It works to expose What the fuck she's doing Yeah Yeah It was good Okay goodbye for now Thank you to Aaron Reed For our incredible intro And outro music You can find Aaron's Original music And his newly released album At aaronreed.bandcamp And you can find All of the music Produced for the show At the Speltlore SoundCloud And thank you to all Of our supporters Around the world Without whom This show would be possible If you want us to support The show You can join us At patreon.com Slash speltlore Or speltlore.com Slash money please To get access to Bonus content A whole bonus campaign Using World of Blades By Dwan Figueroa Featuring the Cool Treat Kids In the High Spear Mall Merch Gift boxes Streams And a whole whack of shit So yeah Check us out Patreon.com Speltlore Slash speltlore And thank you Finally to you For listening We'll see you next time And so ends the tale Of adventures three Who tried the best they could Though dumb and scared And lost they'd be For time's abreast In revelry And though our journey May be like a conclusion We'll find out We will not leave you Without a resolution Return next week To hear some more Whilst you commute Or do your chores And for you I'd gladly Speltlore