Episode 27 – The Goblin’s Bath

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It's good bonus content I work really fucking hard on it Now the round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers have health, he shifts his shape, and wields a spear with great might Billy's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends, and listen close For the tale's about to start Hello everybody and welcome to Spout Lore I'm here to tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold I'm your game master, Sean O'Hara Joining me as always playing Tacoma Dome, the barbarian Abdul Aziz Hello everybody Playing Ving, the half-elf druid, Paul Oppers Hello everybody And playing Fat Billy, the halfling thief, Jessica Tai Hello everyone When last we left our heroes, the battle was joined The crew of the White Knight, led by notorious privateer Victoria Leblanche Attacked the crew after they were informed that in fact they would not be allowed to leave the ship The fight went about as well as you could expect Because Tuck is a monster And Ving and Billy are supportive monsters You're all very frightening combatants Tuck removed his loincloth Said it was tacky As a button to being divorced It was like your divorce move It was my war cry actually This is fucking tacky Also known as declaration of war Declaration of divorce Yeah Billy definitely destroyed some people with his powerful throwing arm Yeah As is his way Ving made the playing field a little more hazardous for the crew And things ended with Victoria Leblanche kind of hung by her wrists Yeah By Ving And then Billy removed a memory from Victoria Leblanche Further illustrating the fact that when I created the lightning in a bottle move I did not realize that it was in fact the know what everybody's thinking So the memory was removed from Victoria Leblanche Revealing that she had been hired by the princeps of the firefields principality To recover a weapon of some kind from the vault To tip the war in the principalities in his favor The crew then made their escape Hopping onto the clear water With the help of Thunderbirds, Cloudpiercer, and Gale Destroying the White Knight to the point where the ship is definitely sinking Mm-hmm And escaping into the icy waters of the frozen north After some sailing Ving revealed that he knew the location of a place called the Goblin's Bath Mm-hmm Which is some sort of thermally fed bay That might be an adequate place to hide the clear water As the crew takes Or as the party Not the crew Mm-hmm Takes the Thunderbirds to Adderneck All Waters Glacier Mm-hmm They traveled through some icy fjords Seeing treasure glittering at the bottom Revealing a series of Mm-hmm Sub-aquatic tunnels that have been the death of many sailors throughout time Mm-hmm And then sometime later With the Thunderbirds pulling the clear water through the fjords We arrived at the Goblin's Bath to find Hundreds of Arctic Goblins All engaged in that beautiful time Known as mating season That is where we find our heroes now You're standing on the deck of the clear water On the shore Imagine Okay So imagine you're looking for a hero Mm-hmm You're on the clear water Beautiful glittering water around you Yeah To your right Snow fields That descend into a black rocky shore With like black volcanic sand And then up the other side of the bay Is like jagged hills So there's rocks on one side And then a black sand beach on the other And it's all covered in goblins Just horny goblins Imagine If you will 2007 Daytona Beach Mm-hmm Spring break Exactly It's got a very club med sort of vibe A little bit They don't even see us They don't even notice that we're there Yeah Like we came upon them doing their thing Yeah Yeah And it is There is definitely At least you can assume some mating happening Mm-hmm By the sounds, yes Yeah But there does Beneath the water there is a frenzy of activity Beneath the water That's a naturalist I don't know I don't know There's a problem There's a problem Anyways, what do you do?

There are hundreds and hundreds of goblins covering the shore, swimming in the water, climbing up the cliffs, jumping off. You hear like, whoa, there's a cliff diving going on. Yeah. I guess we got to Spout Lore about goblins. Yeah. Specific one. About arctic goblins. Yeah. I'll do it. I would love for you to do that because I've been thinking about them a lot. So goblins, all we know is that they're like a reptilian species. And they've spoken in the past, like not human.

At least, yeah, the ones that you met just outside Mudlark in the swamps were like pretty like gnarly, venomous, gross goblins. Two legs. Two legs. They're all bipedal. Yeah. They kind of look like gremlins. Yeah. Pin like teeth. Yeah. They have like sharp needle teeth. Great. And then the ones in McCall we know are a little more cosmopolitan. Oh, right. Because like the one that like at least we met in the Brent episode in Brent's Revenge. Yeah.

He had like a little mustache and he wore a wig and clothes and he spoke common. Oh, yeah. And he ran a junk shop or something like that. Well, he ran a junk shop that was a landfill. Yeah. The goblin market is like scavenged stuff. So they have a lot of capacity. Yeah. Yeah. They're varied. They're a varied species. Arctic goblins are totally different. Cool. Yeah. 2D6 plus intelligence to Spout Lore. Right. I got six. Six. Six. What? Because I have a minus one to my intelligence.

Oh, beautiful. It rolled a seven. Beautiful. Okay. I can aid. Okay. So I'm going to aid by using my bardic knowledge because I know a lot of different albums about goblins and written by goblins. Oh, yeah. I was a roadie for a goblin band for a while. Yeah. Okay. Seven. Okay. Beautiful. Seven. So that makes yours a seven. Great. Which means you get something interesting but not useful. Thank you. So here's the thing.

I'm talking about Arctic goblins that I stole from another reptile, the aquatic iguana. Yes. So they live in and around the water. They spend a lot of time in their thermal springs. So mostly what they eat is like sea grasses and like shellfish and stuff like that. Cool. Crabs. Crabs. Yeah. Whatever is around fish, whatever they got. But because of that, and part of the reason their noses are so flared is they have a lot of salt in their bodies. Oh. Yeah. So to counteract that, they expel.

They expel the salt from their nose, which gathers on top of their heads and creates like crowns of salt. So they look like Guy Fieri. Oh my God. The middle-aged ones do for sure. The younger ones kind of have a faux hawk and then the middle-aged ones look like Guy Fieri. Salt and pepper. Yeah. But it leads that like old goblins have these like elaborate salt crowns on their heads. Cool. And you can mark out the elders by these like massive crowns. Yeah.

And they look like those hot spring monkeys mixed with a bat mixed with a. Iguana. Iguana. Mixed with Guy Fieri. Mixed with Guy Fieri. I feel like there's maybe a lot of like really brightly colored Hawaiian shirts happening. Yes. I can't get my brain out of Daytona. Daytona spring break. Yeah. Well, it's not. It's like we've talked about how the ones in the principalities, at least some of them are brightly colored because they're like venomous. Mm-hmm. Which is also probably a separate thing.

Yeah. But they're also like secondary like sexual characteristic. Characteristic. Yeah. To like attract mates. But these guys don't have that. So they probably do adorn themselves in colorful fabrics. Yeah. To try and attract mates. I wonder if they're, I don't know, like coral reeds. Oh, yeah. And stuff like that. Or like seaweed. Or they gather shell necklaces. Yeah. They gather coral and weeds. Yeah. And different things from the sea floor. And then they adorn themselves in that.

And they'll also grab stuff from like that treasure trove river. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because they can survive in the water probably. They're wearing a lot of rings. Yeah. They're wearing a lot of rings. Yeah. They have a lot of gold bracelets and chains. And helmets. Yeah. It is perfect. Yeah. So they are very, especially during mating season, they're all, the males especially are like completely decked out.

So you see glittering on the shoreline as well in a bunch of like colorful sea life and grasses and just hear a lot of yelling and giggling and screaming. Hey, baby, come up here. We got something for you. We got a hot tub on the roof here. This whole thing's a hot tub, you fucking loser. Don't be like that. It's just the Jersey Shore. Exactly. What do you do? Do we like try to talk to them? I know. I was thinking like, could we, like, they know this area very well. Yeah.

Because since they know the area so well, and since they're going to be here anyway, we can be like, hey, can you hide this ship? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Ever been to cape canaveral we were thinking of going to see the space shuttle we can film goblins gone wild here yeah so what do you guys do like perel and maggie are on the boat and they're just like perel especially is like I'm staying out of this yeah not interested I just want to I want to know if they're safe to talk to you and if they're and like what how I should talk to them to befriend them oh yeah yeah so go for it 2d6 plus wisdom to discern realities holy crap okay 13 okay yeah so now I get three questions from discern realities which is how to be cool um okay what is useful or valuable to me what is useful or valuable here uh so you're I assume scanning like the shore with your binoculars and you just see a absolute shit ton of goblins having the time of their lives they're playing volleyball they're they're skimboarding uh these are things that are like those are in our world uh what is volleyball to a goblin so volleyball is um there are two teams 15 aside everybody gets a rock and they all send volley after volley at each other and you can't move yeah and the last one standing that team wins that's that is a goblin game for sure and skim boarding is skimboarding yeah it's a little board you skim it off the board on the shore uh so you're scanning and you're seeing all these young goblins having a blast and you see two goblins looks like it looks like a man and a woman both of them have really elaborate crowns really tall crowns of salt and then the guy is like kind of chunky and absolutely covered in like seaweed and kelp necklaces covered in coral okay and the woman is all got like a ton of rings and what looks to be like an actual amulet and these these look like an older like male and female goblin cool cool the guy has a bunch of tattoos yeah his his fur on his arms has been painted that's cool yeah oh god I like that it says mom I mean I guess you kind of answered it but like who's really in control here oh uh yeah it seems to be these two yeah this is like everybody's grandma and grandpa right and we're all doing our thing so so they're fucking I got it I got I want to be clear for myself because I think it's weird there's not like a ton of open fucking going on it's mostly partying is it like the thing where it's like you go to like the change room at the beach exactly it's sneaky actually here's a great answer to that billy sees behind on the like the planes the snow planes that go up you see a bunch of like burrows dug into the snow and tuck is says that he like looks with binoculars and he's like yeah there's not a ton of open fucking happening here I looked really hard you're looking longer than I was I wasn't looking for that he smashes the binoculars these are fucking useless and pharrell gets mad because those were his bird watching binoculars and then he pulls out opera binoculars it's like I have to use these now my backup ones don't smash these because I'm not going to be able to do it I'm going to be able to do it I'm going to be able to do it I'm going to be able to do it I'm going to be able to do it three other pairs okay what should I be on the lookout for I think the thing that ving mentioned about how nobody comes here yeah is the thing to be on the lookout for this feels like isolated in that in the area for sure nobody comes here during mating season I feel like a lot of people come here during mating season a lot of goblins come here during the mating season did you pick that up did you guys do we pick that high five yeah it was really loud so if you wanted to hide the boat here this seems like a good idea I think we should go to the boat here this seems like a good idea I think we should go to the boat here this seems like a good idea I think we should go like a good place cool yeah gonna wave at the uh the old couple and you see the guy like raises his hand and he's like hi there did you bring the cocaine my my name is fat billy you're pretty far away there fat billy okay I'll come closer yeah come on we're all having a good time up here it's probably fine if I walk alone no we're gonna come with you yeah we're all I think we're gonna come with you yeah we're all having a good time up here run the ship uh into the sand I'm gonna try and ground it and maggie pushes you away from the wheel because well we could we'll take care of this you guys go ashore and you go deal with that but you don't need to ground my ship how else are we gonna get ashore maybe one of the rowboats oh okay I thought this was just for sleeping it's pretty rock star to show up and drive a boat into the sand and jump off at spring break oh fuck no he's right man maggie that would be the kings of spring break if we did that whoa but do we want to like become rivals with the kings of spring break current kings of spring break no no yeah oh what do we do this is a great dilemma yeah this is the most pressing dilemma you've ever faced maggie's luring the rowboat yeah I was gonna say smash cut to you in the rowboat with maggie we're still arguing with her like they put us in there maggie we need the boat we need the boat to be kings of spring break sploosh you're in the water maggie's at the top of the boat having lowered you in a rowboat all right have fun uh can can can she lower us some grog before we go ashore I want to bring a gift yeah yeah yeah she yeah she lowers down a little crate of bottles great no ed tuck made a trade with bruno before we left where he bought a little bit of cocaine from a guy halfway white powder oh my god nice uh yeah so you're in the boat and you're in the boat and you're in the boat and you're in the boat and you're You're in the boat and you got some liquor.

Are you guys still going to try and beach the boat in the coolest way possible? I'm going to row as fast as I can. Maybe Tuck can help. I can help too. I can take the other side. So that we can land and I'll jump off the front. Bailey, are you into this plan? I'm so into it. Okay. 2d6 plus strength, I guess. Yeah. Nine. Eleven. Nine. All right. Pretty good. Can I aid him? Yep. All right. I'm going to do that. Yeah. I'm going to aid him with also my charisma. Oof. Ooh. Oh. 12. All right. Nice.

So 12, 10, and 11. So tell me what you guys are all doing. Tuck is like fucking reefing on it, rowing like crazy. It looks like we're basically in a speedboat. Uh-huh. Yeah. Billy is singing a rowing song. Yeah. What does that sound like? Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream. Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream. And then you slam into the sand. Launch.

Slow. Yeah. All three of you launched out of the boat. You've got a crate of bottles in your hands. Coming out. Pull them out. Ving's got two in his hands. In midair, in front of the sun. Pops the bottles. Two corks out at once. Amazing. Yeah. And goblins all around scatter as this boat slams. Into the shore. Yes. People. Giants. Launch. Flying at them with their wares. And you hit the sand. Bottles in hand. You do a cool pose, I assume. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You do an anime slide into the. Yeah.

Yeah. There's silence. And then a huge cheer. Whoa. Whoa. Oh my God. Goblins run up and start like patting you. Like on the legs because you're too tall. Because they're looking for cocaine. Adding us down for drugs. They might be trying to stop you. They might try to steal from you. It's hard to say. I'm handing out bottles. Yeah. It doesn't take long because you only had like nine. I had three. Do they pick us up and like crowd surface? Yeah. But you're two feet off the ground.

We're lower than if we were walking. Yeah. Exactly. But Billy is higher than he's ever been. Yeah. It's crazy. I can't believe this is what it looks like to you guys. The world is so big and so wide. And they carry you over to these two older goblins. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Pile to make them look like they're hanging out in these deck chairs and uh they're like oh hey there thanks for coming by good to meet some new friends oh it's so nice to meet some new friends come on take a seat by the water hello my name is ving oh hello ving hey buddy good to see you who are you big guy I'm tuck and this is halfling white powder okay I don't know what that is but thanks for bringing it by it's a stimulant well it might be a stimulant to you big guy but you don't know goblin physiology and he takes it he puts it in his mouth he's like oh that bouquet is so nice oh midge you know that feeling that I'm getting in my bones I don't know what this is midge is his wife's name yeah midge is the wife the guy's name is uh bob those are the parents from you know the guy's name is uh bob those are the parents from that 70s show bob and midge it's happening so I'm bob this is midge and we love coming to goblins bath and we're really glad to have you folks here what can we do for you oh no I mean not not a whole lot just you know we don't want to interrupt and we just wanted to come say hi and bring some gifts because we're passing through oh it's nothing to interrupt with look at this place it's just a party here we'll get you some food and they bring up just the rawest muscles you've ever seen they're in a pile not cooked at all I start sucking them back and tucks like I better not these are an aphrodisiac and I just came from a pretty intense situation oh don't I know it buddy don't I know it you better steer clear of these shellfish they'll get you half mass by noon you hear all the shells crunching in billy's mouth as he's eating one and some of the goblins are just eating shells like they're just crunching on them and tucks like bill are you okay I don't think you're supposed to eat the shells I'm just gonna eat the shells I'm just gonna eat the shells I'm not okay they hurt so much yeah buddy you gotta you gotta crunch up the shell you crunch it up and you get the calcium in your bones and your bones get strong yeah crunch it up there you go billy you don't have to crunch it up you can spit into my hand if you want whoa whoa whoa whoa bro get over here I'm sorry that I eat I scoop it back up he grabs ving's hand this goblin grabs me hand and starts licking the shells off your hand hi I'm ving hi I'm robbie hi robbie hey their tongues are like cat's tongues is very rough yeah totally uh okay so what's your poison what do you want to do we got some cliff jumping going on we got some volleyball we got some skim boarding and tucks like yeah it's it looks really fun here it is I don't know why humans never come here and then you hear from the distance goblin just owed maybe every once in a while or a ceremonial keening of conception but whenever that happens did you hear like and then the whole crowd goes yeah proliferation of the goblin peoples is very important to us so we make a big deal of it and I'm not saying that everybody's got to proliferate here you know not everybody's into the whole thing people do what they want here at goblins bath widz widz widz us to be involved yeah we're sort of on the run from like kind of piratey sort of vibe okay yeah and we're trying to like keep this shit pretty hidden so if there's like a place you know that's extra hidden if you guys could keep an eye on it oh I see what you mean and midge is like oh no they do they want us to they want they want a little bit of glamour on it and he goes okay yeah no problem I can take care of that for you and bob uh gets up from his deck chair he kind of like I'm not the goblin I used to be yeah 60 like 60 year old dad like waddles to his feet he's got one of those like you know those like red guy like how they have like the big gut yeah exactly yeah they walk like little bulldogs exactly and he gets to the shore and he smooths down his fur and he uh he reaches up and he kind of jostles his big salt crown and he um extends his scent and he's like oh my god I'm gonna be a dick and he's like oh my god his hands in front of him and he closes his eyes and he grimaces and you can hear him going like and before your very eyes the clear water vanishes what the fuck um maggie don't get out of me I need to take a seat real quick and he wanders back over to his chair hey where's the boat eh oh boat's there just got a little bit of glamour on it and he winks so are the people on the boat are they fine oh they should be yeah well they probably can't see each other that's the only thing so they should probably stay still for a while they can't see each other no they're invisible I'm gonna throw a snowball at the boat yeah go for it folly uh yeah oh you could just do a 2d6 plus strength 12 yeah snowball whips out over the water and then pass against the side of what you assume to be the clear water okay it's there yeah and you hear from the water from far out into the bay what the fuck is going on you're invisible and billy's got his thumbs up like it's okay come back now no thank you it talks like where are you and your voices are invisible too yeah sorry my ears can't see you oh my god and you hear you hear you were just supposed to find out what's going on um should we go back and talk to them uh yeah we can but should we try and figure out what's happening first oh it's uh hmm this is this is your first time at goblin's bath huh yes yeah yeah yeah that makes sense you seem kind of spooked uh that's uh that's just something that uh just a little something that the crown can do the crown does that your crown the crowned wait what's crowned what are you the crown we oh me and midge and I we have uh you know we got a little thing going on spent a long time working on this stuff is it is it like crystal is it like magic crystal crowns I guess that's a way you could think about it they drink the water yes and then it filter out the they filter out the salt and then it it crystallizes on their heads they're like kind of latently magical because they're imbibing this water yeah oh wow so cool yeah and probably something to do with the structure of the crowns itself and their unique physiology and as uh as far as any of you know I'm not sure if you're well ving especially being like master of the natural world they might be one of the only species that drinks salt water and consumes salt in this way so this might be something that only is only possible due to their like unique living situations I've heard tell of magical goblins this is so cool and when I mean I don't want to overstate things because you're you know you're new friends so I'm I'll be up front with you I can do that again maybe in a couple hours make it less see through it and then I'll be like oh my god I'm so excited to be here with you but that's pretty much it okay that's why he wanted us to wait a few hours oh yeah that's pretty cool is it yeah man I've never seen anything like this before okay well you know welcome to goblins bath I didn't know goblins were such a beautiful and talented species and he goes oh now slow down there big guy I am spoken for this is my missus here but you know in my younger days oh boy and tucks like no I'm I'm recently divorced I can't oh yeah it's too soon for him that's why we have to get him out of here because there's too much temptation no I I hear you my uh my my my sister danielle she recently uh cut things off and she's she's been made she's been real moping about you know what I mean you he you look at where he's gesturing and there's a goblin named danielle that's got a big beehive a big beehive crown and she's just kicking a rock and watching young goblins play in the water uh yeah so I guess we could keep an eye on things for you thank you I mean in return we could supply you some more fun fizzy drinks oh that'd be great yeah so you're going back to the boat to get some drinks yeah get drinks and I guess maggie and perel so we can like let them know what the fuck's going on right yeah and they're like shouting at us angrily while we're rowing and we're rowing way less fast this time you just hear pro going what the fuck what the fuck is happening what is this what is happening calm down wizard weird things happen all the time yeah but but I think you're just jealous I think you're just jealous you can't do that right now I mean a little bit of course why wouldn't I be this is my whole thing I'm trying to learn how to do this again and his voice is getting more resolved as you get closer to the boat wow we've got the boat filled with beer now and it's all invisible that's been the most annoying part about getting the beer into the boat and getting people into the boat is that it's all completely invisible I like that we accidentally grabbed a beer and we're like oh my god we're gonna get a beer and we're gonna get a barrel full of baby powder instead of beer you can't tell one of these barrels is definitely not alcohol actually roll for that yeah do we have to roll to figure out what everything is 2d6 plus wisdom yeah I guess to feel around and try and smell remember okay so we're trying to take three things here yeah so yeah everybody tell me something that you want to bring from the boat to the goblins and then we'll roll for it uh ving's been propagating mushrooms he's done like an inoculated log so he's gonna bring them their log so they can't get in the boat and grow their own mushroom oh sick okay yeah all right what about tuck tuck is has a like he's got a bunch of music bottles in his backpack so he's like man you know what this party could use is good tunes and then he pops one of them and then that one is there's gotta be a morning after and he puts it he's like not that one I gotta find it it's really hard when these are all yeah I can't see any of the labels and what about billy billy brings what he thought was a sparkling apple juice for himself but he accidentally grabbed pearl's finest bottle of wine oh oh my gosh that's wine yeah yeah now let's roll 2d6 plus wisdom to see how close we are to actually getting those things yeah I got 12 I also I got 11 lord of flame please help me find edm seven okay so seven uh you definitely get a music bottle what are the bpms tell me the bpms tuck says what's a good amount of bpms 224 is what you want for a daytona beach party yeah so it's since it's a partial success it's only 111 oh no beats to study too oh no yeah it sounds like a girl doing homework by an open window with her cat sitting on her desk god I'm not trying to seduce my grandma's beautiful so you mostly succeed maggie and perel are sitting on the boat invisible on the other side of the pile of stuff that you're bringing that is also invisible and uh perel is just like what how is this possible apparently something to do with the salt crowns they swim in the salt they drink the magic waters it filters through their body if whatever happens there oh now we get these crowns and make some magic that reminds me of something what is it I think it had something to do with the vision I had when you were drunk when I was drunk I don't remember it clearly but I think it had something to do with that salt water something okay and we're talking to empty air yeah yeah different directions I'm over here you idiot billy's looking over the side of the boat into the water yeah being is talking directly at the side of tuck's head this is a weird bro tuck took took took a marker and he put a face on his hand and like big beautiful lips on it and he and he every time perel talks he makes the he moves his thumb to make it look like perel is talking and then sometimes it'd be like if you're just if you're just puppeting me talking why are you doing the voice I love frog oh my god how long is this supposed to last oh talk get over here give me a big kiss and then he kisses I would I would I would never I would never that's doing it for me billy's looking out at the water like bob said about a few hours so I mean you're just gonna have to like sit tight on the beach get a suntan I hate tanning I love tanning but but they said that they would keep the boat could that one's not me that one's perel tuck made that maggie when he put a little red wig on it where did you get a small red hand-sized wig billy's got a chunk of hair missing square out of the back you didn't did what I didn't what yeah what didn't what wide eyes I was I lean it out of the boat and I'm like oh my god I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I lean it into bigger I'm like he had gum in his hair anyway so it's mostly gum that's how it's sticking to my hand yeah and you're so you're back to the shore and you go back to bob and midge and I yeah tuck goes uh yeah so we brought everything but it's still invisible for a couple of hours and midge goes oh there's no problem there you just kind of leave it on the shore and the boys will take care of it when it comes to be visible is it possible next time you turn the boat invisible that you turn the boat invisible in a way that you can't see it when you turn the boat invisible in a way that the people on the boat can still see each other and the boat well afraid not buddy oh fuck it's a hard enough job as it is making something that big invisible without specifying what is and is not but uh the people on the boat they're more than welcome to come and hang out on the shore with us we got lots of food places to sleep you are very kind and uh a wonderful host thank you oh you're too sweet you're too sweet but uh yeah a couple hours a couple hours pass you guys just kind of hang out with the goblins yeah yeah billy you're going to he's going to try skimboarding very nice yeah there's a bunch of just surfing for him yeah totally there's a bunch of uh really broey surfer goblins they're little like fledgling crowns look like slick back hair I'm like what's up bro what are you looking to do just looking to ride some sick waves fuck yeah get that surf kid falls into the water immediately and they're all like yeah I did it yeah you did a little buddy hell yeah uh what a tuck in bing do to pass the time and then I did bing was working at the harm reduction tent just giving people gatorades and stuff yeah and just like having like letting people come in and chill out there's like a sanctuary where people who are too high because we brought this this halfling white powder and people were sneezing it like they knew what was up and they do not yeah yeah so there's just a goblin sitting in a chair just like I have so many great ideas and nobody said my ideas I I really I have a great idea for a restaurant it's like um you ever had a taco bing's like helping somebody and like going through a first aid kit uh-huh it's like a taco but you go in and there's like a row of condiments and somebody says like what do you want on the taco do you want cheese meat vegetables what kind of sauces do you want yeah and then at the end uh I cut it in half I'm toasted or not so it's totally up to you there's cookies there's chips there's drinks there's everything yeah I love you too sorry what I oh I tuned out sorry no no no yeah at this point usually somebody's going on about how much they love me yeah yeah so let me okay let me start I don't know what an app is an appetizer I have a cool idea for an app it's a scallop on a cracker and what's stuck what's stuck up to oh you look over at tuck and he is like full body painted holding two glow sticks he's got a baby pacifier in his mouth and he's dancing like crazy yeah totally yeah yeah there's a goblin banging on a log yeah it's just like and then you hear from like where he is far away he's like these guys play logs tuck just cutting to the center of the cultural differences they just play logs it's fucking awesome uh and a couple hours pass and the boat slowly like a watercolor painting resolves in the water and so do maggie and perel um yeah that's sick I have a shirt full of like sea glass that I picked up yeah cool he found one of those like the tube seaweeds and like snapped it off so it's like a little scuba um breather thing awesome and he's been he's been swimming around in like the the shoreline picking up all this glass okay yeah um I'm gonna roll something for you sure that's great so you grabbed what like all the glass looking things that you saw you just piled them in your shirt with your little bull kelp uh to going up to the surface and you're picking through the glass and you grab one of the pieces of glass and it looks really sharp and then you pull on it and there's a handle attached to it and you realize that it is a aged obsidian knife with a bronze handle whoa it's not big enough for fighting or anything like that it looks like maybe it was used to like cut food or tendons which you love doing it does fit perfectly in billy's hand because he's so small it's a small it's like a paring knife yeah exactly that's cool all right I add that to my pile and you waddle ashore with a pile of sea glass and a knife inside it and tuxes billy's like billy what cool knife and then he walks back into the this guy's playing 224 btms on the walk I'm billy so annoyed because he uh dropped all of his rocks and a bunch of goblins like like run towards you as you drop all this primo sea glass no I found it and they're helping you put it back in your shirt yeah something is up with these goblins in terms of your experience with goblins these guys are so nice yeah I'm telling them that I'm like you know the last time we ran into goblins they're really mean oh well you know it's just kind of like it's like a mating season thing man like everybody puts their stuff aside and we all come together and we try and be as nice as possible because when this is done oh bitty boy things are gonna get bad that guy killed my parents yeah it's like it's kind of a reverse purge and like um I don't know like how how long until your mating season's over oh and uh one of them like looks up at the sun and kind of sniffs and looks around and grabs a pile of snow and puts it in his mouth and thoughtfully mushes it around in the distance you hear and then the guy uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh um Within eight sons of now.

So Billy drops his rocks. He grabs the knife, though, because he doesn't trust anyone anymore. Yeah. And he runs after Tuck. And Tuck, he's like dancing, and he's wearing a giant mouse head now. And he's at the DJ booth. And he's screaming, party mouse! Party mouse! Party king! Into the microphone. He's finding a whole new way to be a bard. And you see Billy's hands, like, coming up from, like, out of the tabletop. Yeah, you can see it in the mouse. Tuck puts his hands up like, yeah!

And he's like, no! Billy, we're dancing! No, we're not dancing! Oh, and Vincy's out there just dancing up a story. He comes shuffling out, yay! Oh! Yay! And Tuck… Yeah! And Tuck goes, all right, everybody, dance like this little kid. Because Billy's still, like, waving his hands in the air. It's like, and all the goblins start waving their hands. And Billy starts doing, like, the, like, no, cut it out, like… He's like, cut! And everybody's doing that, no, cut it out. Yeah!

And Tuck's like, put your hands in the air like you got no cares. Right, Billy? No! I have so many cares right now. Everybody goes, I have so many cares right now. No, please listen to my cares! And Tuck takes the, he does take the helmet off, because it seems like Billy's getting distressed. What's up, Billy? We have to go talk in secret. The others. Gotta find Maggie and Perel. He says it all into the microphone. The microphone? Yeah. They have a working microphone.

It's just like a bullhorn kind of thing. Yeah. And Tuck's like, all right, everybody, I'm going to give it back to log guy over here. I'm going to have a secret conversation with my son. And then, yeah, the DJ G day comes up and starts banging on the log again. DJ G day. I guess. And yeah, you guys just go and find Snowdrift to stand behind for a secret convo. And we've got Maggie and Perel here. Yeah. Are they visible? I'm visible. And I'm. Ving says that. Can you guys see them?

I don't see them. He's trying to fuck with them. Am I not? He starts patting himself. Yeah, I'm visible. Super visible. And kind of pissed, if I'm being honest. All I got to do is eat a bunch of salt. That'll kill me. I can't do that. Oh, to become magic again. Oh. It probably wouldn't even work, right? It's probably a goblin thing. It's definitely a goblin thing, man. Man. You have to have their noses. It's OK. We'll find you a way. All right. Billy, what'd you find out?

Oh, not good stuff, you guys. So Bob and Midge, they're a bunch of fucking liars. Sorry, I swore. Whoa, Billy. Everybody's like, whoa, Billy, calm down. Look, they said they'd look after the boat, right? And they're being really nice, right? Yeah. Well, apparently that's only going to last for another week or so. What happens in a week? Not good. Roger said all bets are off. Wait, are they just being nice for mating season?

Yeah, because I told them about the goblins we ran into in the forest, and he was like, yeah, but we put that all aside for the mating season. Oh, my God. And then afterward, we're just right back at it. It's a reverse purge. It is. And I asked about our friends on the boat, and they said, well. Okay. So how long do we think it's going to take us to get to the glacier? We could do this in eight days. I mean, it should be. It's close. The travel is nothing. We have birds. Yeah.

The giant birds will get us there in a day, is my guess. Yeah, that sounds. Tuck says, not knowing anything. You feel a presence above you, high in the sky, at the center of creation, that goes, yeah, that sounds about right. I forgot about the birds. I'm sorry. I didn't see. I thought they left. I was so stressed about the walk. Jessica, did you actually forget about the birds? Okay.

So, I mean, as long as we don't get knocked off course, like if there's a storm or something, or something terrible happens at the vault that keeps us there. Yeah. We should be fine. Yeah, but maybe you want to give, who's your first mate now that your crew is so small? It's Bruno. Oh, Jesus. I know, I know. He's a baby. I know. And we look, and Bruno is doing halfling. What? He's playing white powder off the DJ booth. Oh my God.

He snuck aboard and became un-invisible, and he's been having a blast. And he just grabs a goblin and kisses it right off the mouth. I love Mernick Cesar! As long as all bets are on, I'm loving you! Yeah, okay, so I'll just tell him to, when eight days are up, just bail. Or maybe seven. Yeah. Maybe seven. Yeah. But like, who's a bigger threat do we think? All these little gobblos, or Victoria LeBlanch? No. I've seen goblins.

One time in McCall, the goblin market ran out of left shoes and the goblins went nuts. Okay. What happened then? I don't want to talk about it. Okay. All right. So seven days it is. Seven days. Okay. One week. Okay. Yeah. That's, you know, that's a clear enough stakes. So I imagine what cut to you guys packing up. Bob and Midge are there. They're seeing you off. Well, you know, it's been real nice to get to know you. Uh, thanks for all the gifts and, uh, hope you're back in eight days. Yeah.

Yeah. We will be. Well, don't forget us. Don't forget this. Oh, don't worry. I, you know, I almost, I mean, maybe if I'm just thinking about my younger days, I almost hope you don't make it back. You know, it'd be pretty fun. Anyways, you kids have fun on your little adventure. Quiet and looked at each other. There's a really ominous silence. Anyways, you kids have fun on your birds and your magic quest, eh? Yeah. And then Chuck is like, thanks. Thanks, Bob. Uh, you have fun fucking your wife.

Oh, I will. I will. Oh, he will. Okay. Enjoy your remaining years. Billy learned from the goblins that enjoy your remaining years is through the traditional parting saying of the Arctic goblins. And, uh, yeah, everybody piles onto the birds, I guess. Cloud piercer says, come now, friends. Climb upon my mighty back so that I might carry you across these perilous wilds to our destination grand in our quest insane. And our heroics will ring through the halls of eternity for all time.

I fucking love this guy. And Gail goes, get on. And then Chuck gets on Gail. Yeah, that's yeah. Get grab on tight, buddy. Okay. Chuck, you got your haunches in there. You got to stop doing this, Gail. We're doing what? I'm a naturally sexual person. Okay. It feels like ever since the Victoria LeBlanc stuff, she's like really revving this up. She's like, oh, that's what tuck likes. Uh, you know, it's crazy all that time at sea. I feel like I've picked up a bit of an excess. Don't do this.

I don't want to. I don't want to do this with you. I don't know. What do you mean? I'm going to be quiet for a little bit. Okay. Okay. Okay. Grab on tight. She holds a feather up to his lips. You're beautiful when you're quiet. I don't know if you've ever touched a feather. It's not comfortable. I haven't pressed against your face. Yeah. He sneezes. Yeah. All right. So with undertake a perilous journey, we need a scout ahead. We need a navigate and we need a manage provisions. I'll navigate.

Perfect. I'll scan ahead. Cause I'm on Gail and she usually goes, she's fast. Yeah. She's faster. Yeah. I shall manage provisions. Okay. So that is a two D six plus wisdom for tuck two D six plus intelligence for Ving and two D six plus wisdom for Billy. What do we think managed provisions means in this flight? Like you're serving like shitty, like fish or chicken. There's a ton of dried fish that Bob gave us. Yeah. Right. Yeah. And Billy's got a little cart and a little cart.

Like he's got a little rolling cart in one of those halves. Like a flight attendant. Yes. Stewardess. Like a flight attendant. On the bird. Boom. Uh, okay. So yeah, everybody roll it. I got eight. I rolled nine, but I have eight cause I have a negative one wisdom because of my fucked up dreams. It's okay. I failed. I got a six. Okay. Not so good guys. Not so good. Uh, so scout ahead with a seven to nine. You choose one from the list below. You get the drop on whatever lies ahead.

You discern a beneficial aspect of the terrain, such as a shortcut shelter or tactical advantage. Hmm. You make. You make a capital D discovery or notice sign of a capital D danger. Uh, discovery. Okay. Ving a seven to nine. Uh, you happen upon a discovery missed by the scout. The going is slow or you wander off course. The GM says, which, uh, or you encounter a danger. It was the only one that wasn't negative out of those three options. So I'll go with the discovery. Okay.

And keep in mind, a discovery is not necessarily a thing you have to investigate. It's just a thing that you will see. Okay. Okay. And then a failure. Uh, I think it's very simply Billy opens the bags with the food in them and the food flies out. Yeah. And then he just closes the bag and pretends he didn't do anything. Pulls it up. Throws it over your shoulder.

Because, uh, after Bob gave me the bag, um, Ving and Tuck like knelt down there like, Billy, um, you don't want to open that during the ride. We will open it when we land. Uh-huh. And he's like, I promise. And then he did not. Woof. Yeah. Gone. Right into the skies. So he's just like. And you, and he hears Tuck go. Billy, are you on Gale? Yeah. So all this dried fish smacks Ving in the face. And then he opened the bag. He definitely opened it. He definitely opened the bag.

Cloud Piercer got a bunch of it though. Yeah. He was just like, wonderful. Delicious. Okay. Then we're going to roll some dice for the discovery. So everybody just start rolling D12s. Roll a D12 and tell me a number. Three. Eleven. Seven. Cool. So you're flying along. The sun is illuminating this vast, vast tundra around you. Every once in a while broken by a snowy hill or a rocky peak of some kind. But, uh, we're getting close to the crown of the world. Wow. Wow. So cool. All things are.

Pure in their beauty and their danger. Uh huh. And you see maybe Billy spots this just cause he's got kind of the best eyesight of the, the people on the birds. But you see like a, a peak jutting up out of the snow. And at the top you see what looks like the mouth of a cave. And as you're watching, it looks like part of the snow detaches and gets up and starts like padding out of the cave mouth. Holy shit. And there's this fucking massive wolf. It emerges from this cave and it looks up at you.

Whoa. So there's like a car sized wolf just kind of walking around on this peak. Gray wolf or black wolf. It looks like it's actually, it's, it's fur. Yeah. Billy, as you're watching it, like it was on the snow and it was white and then it gets up and it moves past the stone and what the parts of it that are near the stone become gray. Whoa. Like it's, it's mimicking, it's mimicking the colors of the environment around. Whoa. It's a liar wolf. Oh, good name. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Are they rare?

They're very rare and very, very dangerous. I can't pet it. We can't, we probably can't pet that one. That's no slippers. Okay. So let's, let's Spout Lore about liar wolves just so we can learn a little bit. Uh, plus intelligence. I got a six. Oh, I'll help just cause I'm describing it. Oof. Wow. No. Five. Holy fuck. No. Wow. I'm so sorry. Failure. Actually, can I use a fairy child? Oh yeah. You should roll your fairy child first, but. Yeah, I'll do that. 11. Beautiful.

So you get five or whatever. Yeah, I get five and I'll use one to turn my failed roll to a seven to nine. Beautiful. Yeah. Okay. So interesting, but not useful about liar wolves. So they are of course famous for their ability to mimic their surroundings. And their pride. Yes. I was actually, I was going to say they're unusual. In terms of, uh, candidates in that they are not pack creatures. Oh, they are purely solo. Yeah.

And some say stories say that it's because they can't stand to be around each other. Like they are full of pride to the point where they push away other members of their packs. Cool. And some say that, uh, their ability to mimic is like, because the natural sort of translucent property of their fur means that they're like reflecting the light of what's around them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a curse. That means because of their pride, they'll never be able to find other members of their pack. I wonder if as we get closer and closer to like the north of the world, like where the winter war happened, where no one ever is, if like there are more and more magically imbued creatures up here. I like it that there's like a magnetic north of spiritual or magical. Yeah. The 40 cardinal directions. One of them was like just about magic. Yeah. Yeah. Sellers. Sellers. Yeah.

Yeah, we're going the Zellers way. Yeah, traveling Zellers. So that is what you see. You are welcome to investigate if you so choose. I think it might be worth looking at. I mean, it's a cave entrance. Maggie, is this the entrance to the vault? I don't think so, but can't be sure, I guess. Is the wolf really dangerous? Tacoma, look at the size of it. And Tacoma's like, dude, we're so far away, it looks tiny to me. Do you have any depth perception left? And Tacoma's like, oh, you wear glasses.

Oh, right. Where are your glasses? Where are your glasses? He's like, I don't want to wear them right now, okay? I'm fine. If you don't wear them, you won't be able to see how big the wolf is. And Tacoma's like, if I do wear them, then you won't be able to see how big my fucking dick is. Shut up. All right, fine. Don't want to wear the glasses. Don't wear the glasses. I'm not going to. Okay. Yeah. All right. You lost your glasses, didn't you? I lost my glasses. I lost my glasses at Goblin Fest.

Yeah, those are gone now. I dropped them on the dance floor, so I'm going to smash them. Yeah. Those have been eaten, for sure. Somebody ate those. That guy was eating all the shells. Oh, that's crunchy. Crunch, crunch, crunch. One of the pieces of beach glass that Billy found was a lens from my glass. Yeah, so totally up to you. You can definitely investigate. There might be something precious or interesting in the cave. I mean, we might be able to appeal to its ego.

We could ask the wolf where the vault is. The vault? Yeah, the tower. The tower, yeah. The tower and the vault. Yeah. Well, they're the same. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely could. Okay. Yeah. Vin, can you talk to him from up here so we don't have to put this? Yeah. I mean, you know what? We'll park far away. I'll go in. You guys stay close, but I'll go in alone.

What if we circle high up and you have a connection with Cloudpiercer so he'll know if something goes wrong and you could talk to the wolf one-on-one? Yeah, that's cool. Then he'll be less likely to react to a big group because we know he hates groups. Right. Vin's like, all right, I'll be right back and just tips off the back of the bird. Oh. Did he just jump? He just jumped? Yeah. Yeah. And you land? Somehow? Yeah, I sure do. How? Light as a feather, my friend. Okay. Roll it.

It is a move you got to roll. Deet. Deet. Yeah. I definitely failed that. No. Oh, God. What'd you get? Oh, a seven. Okay. Great. What's a seven to nine on light as a feather? Something goes wrong. The GM tells you what? Yeah. Yeah. So you are trying to keep the view of the cave in your space. Sight as you're falling, angling yourself with your arms and little gusts of wind, trying to keep an eye on where the wolf is. And you're like, where's the wolf? Where's the wolf? Where's the wolf?

And you hit the ground, you know, three point landing superhero style. Yeah. And you look up and you just see the outline of it through its mimic camouflage. The wolf is directly in front of you. It is standing over you. Whoa. Holy shit. I bow my head and speak low and in my best wolf. What brings you here? Hello. I, I, I've come to your land. You dare? I am a friend of the land. I am of the north. Great wolf. I am here to appeal to you. I. Great mayor of the north. Let me shake a paw.

Who's a good boy? Roll a 2d6 plus charisma. Six. Can I aid from a distance? You can aid from a distance. Nice. Luck of the fair folk. Hell yeah. Okay, please. Eight. Okay. Makes it a seven to nine. Great. You come here. You pay tribute, but I do not see a gift. What does the king want? I must know this. I know about lyre. I know about lyre walls. I know about lyre walls. There's a lot of work. Value above all else is TikTok little man. Kinship. They love the touch of a loved one.

Something they never have. You're going to have to roll something here to figure it out. That's a good idea. Because the whole thing is they're so prideful that they can't be around other people but they miss their pack. They can never find them. I would like to slowly turn into a snow lyre wolf. If this works. I'd like to roll elemental. Is that what I'm using? Elemental form. So you're not going to take the form of a lyre wolf specifically.

You're going to take the form of a lyre wolf made out of moonlight and snow. And it's a wolf looking at the moon. Yes. We all love. Nine. I get two holds from elemental form. And I assume you're spending one of those to make yourself appealing. To the wolf? Yeah. Slowly like gathering as much snow. The snow around Ving is like going into a depression. And building up into this big beautiful white moon filled glowing from within wolf. And then what? And then what? Yeah. What now?

Well wolves show affection by nuzzling. And they also show like when they go on their backs they show their tummy because they want to show that they're like submissive. Right. Like an alpha dog would love. Yeah I'm going to sub the shit out of this wolf. So I slowly extend a paw. It bears its teeth and growls at you. And I caress it with my nose. I go in like trusting slow ears down. Caressing its side and then roll over on my back and then howl. Doing all of it. It's the full. I do everything.

I do everything. I do everything. I'm on my back writhing going aww. As a wolf initially as you reach out with your snout does that like twitchy like pullback growl where they're like I'm scared but I don't want to move. And then as you begin to roll around on your back and howl almost uncontrollably it looks towards the moon and howls. And you guys hear this like keening through the skies. These twinned howls. And then Turk goes sounds like it's going good. I think he's making a new friend.

What do you ask of me? Do you know of the tower of Adernac Allwater? The glacier wizard of the north? I do. And that's where we're going to end it for this week. I'm your game master Sean O'Hara. Joining me as always playing Tacoma Dome the Barbarian Abdul Aziz. So long everybody. Playing Ving the Half-Elf Druid Paul Oppers. Take care. And playing Fat Billy the Halfling Thief Jessica Tai. Bye everyone. Thank you to Aaron Reed for our intro and outro music.

You can find all of Aaron's all the music from the show at SoundCloud.com Just search Spout Lore. Yeah maybe I gotta put it on Bandcamp because SoundCloud sucks shit. Yeah their links are weird. And we also should probably put it on Spotify too. That'd be cool. And YouTube. Yeah and YouTube. YouTube too. We'll put it all everywhere. Put it everywhere.

And you can find Aaron Reed's original music at aaronreed.bandcamp.com And uh thank you to all of our supporters around the world without whom this show would not happen. And thank you to you for listening. See you next time. And so ends the tale of adventures.

Three who tried the best they can Though dumb and scared and lost they be For time's abreast in revelry And though our journey may be like a conclusion We will not leave you without a resolution Return next time This week to hear some more Whilst you commute Or do your chores And for you I'd gladly Spout Lore