Episode 1 – Please Don’t You Love Me

Hey, Tuck here telling you to donate to speltlore.com slash money please or patreon.com slash speltmore for more of this I'm doing an act out but you can't see it below the table show me your hands right now no, I'm still doing it show me your hands right now no, why?

Because I'm masturbating gather round friends let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold a brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old you know them by name you know them by deed their quests are famously daring so here I sit singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute he knows not his home he loves to sing and fight fingers half-elf he shifts his shape and wields a spear with great might Billy's a thief his tiny size does mask the largest heart best and brightest they may not be happy I didn't know he said that wait a second he's been calling us stupid this whole time you know what fuck him that was a really hard K that was a hard K that was the hardest K on fuck I've ever heard hello everybody and welcome that was a hard K as well to Spout Lore I'm your game master Sean O'Hara joining me as always playing Tacoma Dome the barbarian Abdul Aziz hello playing Ving the half-elf druid Paul Oppers hello and playing Fat Billy the halfling thief Jessica Tai hello when last we left our heroes what?

What? Are you trying a new thing? No what?

Hold on a second Jessica has a cold when last we left our heroes fresh off the revelation that the gibbous man must die the god of the sky the party was able to convince Morris Wadge that perhaps there was a better focus for his ire after which Morris immediately and gregariously agreed you're right let's do it everybody come with me let's get started he feels a little bit unhinged I mean he's definitely just like what's the next thing I'm looking at not like let's make a big plan this guy needs a halfway house he just came out of a very serious situation and he's been unleashed into the world dragged from place to place I bet he didn't think that the thing that he did would ever work to get him out like he'd probably been doing it for a long time oh the tunneling thing?

Yeah did we ask him about that process?

No you just told him he said that he applied the thalmic tunneling principle you're right I got bored of you saying it fuck you this is how wizards feel when they try and tell people about their work god I feel like I'm LARPing now Morris took you through a corridor full of portraits of himself to a workshop a vast work I should say this workshop big yeah like this seems to be a place where they expected multiple people to be working like it's a lab then the party realized that they had a more pressing issue the reason they came to the tower in the first place either to find Adternack Allwater or to help Perel get his magic back right Morris said oh yeah totally slipped my mind sorry there's a massive chamber below that I've been unable to get into let's go check that out the party attempted to use Ving's speak friend and enter technique from their entry into the glacier to get through this door unsuccessfully before Billy went full Aragorn mode and started crawling around on the ground like a little dog they tried breathing on the door all of them every single person here tried breathing on the door except for Morris who I would assume had already tried breathing on the door and it didn't work oh yeah he was so dismayed he was so dismissive of us you idiots that's never gonna work cut hide cut to yeah I already tried cut him doing it for like 12 hours yeah all over all around the door yeah just kind of until Billy pressed Ving's hand to the door and it swung right open revealing a corridor made of old ancient melted ice with a pillar an alcove of ice at its center Ving checked the chamber discovering that it seems like there was someone there someone inside the alcove who broke through the ice about three or four weeks ago and left Ving entered the alcove became covered in horror frost becoming a big puffy snowman it took the shape of a bear yeah it took the shape of a snowy bear a mantle forming around his shoulders and then extending down his body made of purest snow Billy was overcome with his curiosity to see what lay beneath and entered the fairy realm with Perel at his side using a midnight waltz disgusting discovering beneath a yawning chasm far far below a lattice work of living and constructed ice a massive pool an ocean a lake in the fairy he traveled into the water finding at the sea floor a chunk of the moon itself and Perel said in his fairy form I know what I have to do drawing himself closer to the stone Billy felt himself being pulled back into his body and attempted to bring Perel with him but Perel slipped through his bonds and as Billy returned to his body Perel did not and was feared lost Tuck using the powers of Terry, Larry and Chad all at once smashed the pillar to release Terry, Larry and Chad in their fairy forms to go retrieve Perel in his fairy form Ving dove into the water to aid him entering the water he drew towards him the moon stone and he saw Perel beneath and the magical waters around him creating two beautiful eels of moon stone drawing Perel's fairy form back and using that to guide him closer to his body then the waters of the chasm themselves created a vortex and reached up as if to say give him here drawing Perel's body deep the party stood around the hole for a while looking down trying to remember that this was an important moment but probably getting a little bored uh we have such a short attention span for like earnest moments yeah Tuck went to the bathroom just started texting for a while Maggie like crouched down to stretch her legs you know all that shit before Perel emerged from the hole in a pillar of water that he then froze around him creating in his hand from a piece of ice a small crystalline frog his magic returned hooray Perel the wizard back and then he tried to end the episode there because it felt like a great moment to end the episode it was we tore it from your hands we needed way too much time so we we weren't even halfway through yeah so we had a great time we went back to the vault looted it stole a bunch of shit Morris and Perel had some alone time down below after Perel got his magic back right we didn't like just go to the vault we escaped to the chamber that they were fucking because it was it was a it was a it was a it was a a a the ghost horns origin as being a vessel for trapping uh unquiet human spirits by a group known as the mausoleum traveling wandering ghost hunters the mirror shard we discovered is three of six pieces of a mirror created by a wizard called master mirror who created a series of uh mirror phone booths basically that we have apparently been spying little glimpses into oh yeah where the other ones are yeah I picture him wearing a disco ball for a helmet oh god like the illusionist that is really that's what he does when he djs yeah he probably wears a lot of mirrors on his body oh yeah after some discussion on what to do next uh vick arrived in the bag and said someone is here come with me revealing that your father dathaniel the ranger king has arrived and that is where we find ourselves now you are just straight up face to face with your father he's kind of just inside the mouth of the cave the snow is still whipping at his cloak you're all kind of further in vick is growling oh god yeah tuck is like as soon as he realizes that this is dathaniel he like takes a couple of steps forward to like back thing up if something bad happens and billy is a coward so he is hiding behind things leg thanks guys I shouldn't be surprised I found you here on the doorstep of a wizard he spits on the ground still holding on to a lot of that hate huh I hear you're trying to kill me what ving's looking up at the ice cave you're not the only one that can hear the voices of the land ving land has a big fucking mouth what have you heard I've heard that you went back to hibernia and broke the covenant and that you've been bound by gash to kill the man known as the ranger king that's me so you understand what I have to do I do do you not really I thought I knew for years and years but not anymore he he nods he kind of reaches up and rubs I should describe what he looks like oh yeah he's got like he's kind of tall he's shorter than all of you for sure because you guys are monstrously tall he's probably about six one six two he's got like an olympic sprinter's body he's really lean has like broad shoulders very lo like he's very lean.

He's got like an iron gray beard hair that's longer than you probably remember it being but still pretty short. I think he actually I mean look I'm not one to say ponytail just at the drop of a hat but he probably tries to keep his hair out of his face even if it's a little longer so it's kind of like It's definitely a ponytail. It's a ponytail It's probably braided. He's probably got like a braid at the back of his head that goes down to like just the top of his shoulders. It's not super long.

Even for an old elf he looks like his hair is dark gray but his skin is still pretty smooth like he looks like a youthful older man. He's got the green jerkin green gherkin of the ranger corps. He's got a butter moth silk cloak simple leather breeches and his bow over his shoulder. His bow is called gloaming. Oh cool. Cool. Is it ebony? Yes. Yeah. It's ebon wood. And it is a legendary weapon. Like his bow specifically? Yeah his bow this bow is called gloaming. He's had it for centuries.

Did he make it or was it oh so cool? And you notice on the right side of his face a jagged three lined scar running down from just above his eyebrow into his beard that you've never seen before. Cool. Whoa. I want you to meet my family. Tuck. Billy. This is my dad. Hi dad. Uh Ving's dad. Tuck doesn't say anything cause he knows all the fucked up stuff that Nathaniel's done to Ving. Oh I shouldn't have said anything either. Tuck flares his nostrils. Sean look at me. Whoa shit that's intimidating.

You can see everything inside his nose. He doesn't look at either of you. He continues looking at Ving and he says we need to talk. I know. Not here. There's a cave about two miles east of here. Meet me there. We'll discuss terms. And he turns and almost immediately disappears from view. That's cool. And then Tuck goes Oh shit. How'd I do? You're really brave. Was I brave? Does it seem? God you know when you're like walking in the woods and then you uh see a mountain lion?

Or you see one in your mind and then so then there is one behind you? And then you turn around and like thankfully nothing's there but you're like was it to just leave or or maybe or was it just in my head? You know that feeling when you're walking through the woods and you see your dad who murdered your mom and you haven't seen him for a long time and you're here to kill him? It's like that. Wow. That's rough. Guys I uh I think I have to go alone. Okay well um I want you to take TLC.

If I can't come with you I want you to they'll keep you safe. What if something pops off here? I don't want to jump into the scene with uh metagame GM. Remember the place that you're living is completely portable and you can wear it around your waist. Oh that's So you guys wouldn't necessarily be with him but you're not gonna be far away. Yeah we could get into the fanny pack fold it up and then if shit goes really bad he can dump us out. That's a good idea. Yeah.

I shouldn't have that's not I mean I didn't mean it like I didn't mean it like a trick like a trap. No no I know but we are totally trapped. You guys are using it as a trap. Yeah the fanny pack is your house is unfolded in a closet right now. You can take your house with you. Yeah so let's I like that idea. Thank you. A lot. Yeah. Plus also it goes with my outfit. That's true. I guess the question remains I suppose it is time for me to go. For me to return to my home in the tundra.

Victor are you sure? Victor. I am solitary being it is my curse. But what if you come on vacation with us for a little longer? Okay. Okay. I suppose I can. Yay. I guess I'm asking. Gently quest. I guess I'm asking do you guys want another pet? Yes. You've been alone long enough. It's time that you're alone with us. Well I suppose it is my curse. I do. Okay hold on.

If you think about it for a second my course is to never be with another of both kind but you are pathetic man things and he like when he says pathetic man things he pokes tuck in the gut like yeah this is like pudgy belly whereas it's like you're fat. You are very mad thing and I took us. I'm in a bulk phase. I can't only land also the reality is that tuck could lift Victor over his head and throw him a hundred feet. So I will leave in your giant bag. I will go to bag now.

I might I might need you Victor to remain unseen. I could be useful against other man thing. I can smell the death in his bones. He is killer like me. Is he an alpha then? He is alpha as fuck. He is sigma male. He is AA. He is AA. He would do keynote speech at dude con. Wow. He wrote the book on the game. But I will I will lurk nearby unseen as is my course. Don't stray too far. I will go and I will find this cave before you because I am superior hunter. Thank you.

Victor as your reward I'll make sure there's a chicken leg available. Holy shit. Okay, I'm going now. And he takes off into the snow. He's gone. You only see paw prints left. And even those are blown away by the wind. Disappears into the snow. And Victor we can assume can be trusted to find the cave. And you hear him say that in the distance. I can be trusted to find the cave alone. I'm a very capable hunter. And we go back I want the chicken legs. I'll take a breath. And a thigh as well.

He's crispy but mild. My tummy no good to spicy foods. In the bitch you'll take original recipe. You're pathetic. You're pathetic. When Ving When Ving touched Victor at the mouth of the cave he put the mark of the beast on him. Oh, eye of the tiger. Eye of the wolf. Cool. So then now you just see if you glance into your spiritual connection to Victor it's just like whipping snow and ice. And he's hauling ass. And he stops and he sniffs a clump of grass that he finds. He eats a frozen turd.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Jump back out. You hear that like really wet dog like the super sniffy sound they make. And he just like eats some grass and barfs it up and then runs back into the snow. I wish I didn't see that. I really like the little actual dog bits. It's hard to say how much of him is wolf and how much of him is instantly become domesticated dog. I feel like wolves got domesticated fast. Yeah.

Like someone held out a cooked piece of meat and they're like, yeah, I'll hang out for a while. Whatever you need. Yokiro. Yeah. They're a big gray wolf and then their pup is a golden retriever. Depends how much Domino's pizza crusts you feed them. Yeah. I too become golden retriever at pizza crust. So do we just cut to Ving trekking across the snow? Yeah. Yeah. I wanted to do maybe build something real quick. Oh, cool. Ving before going and leaving the fanny pack.

He has his element bandolier that he pulls out. He hasn't worn in a long time. Oh, yeah. Oh, sick. And he fills every other one with chunks of the moon that he got from the bottom of the cavern. And then other ones are the magic water barf. Oh, yeah. Sick. Sweet. Yeah. Water that was inside. A wizard. What a what a boon. Yeah. It's like unicorns blood. Yeah. Probably.

I think when you're when you're like loading, even if you are doing it sort of magically like if you know you're bringing up a piece of the moon and putting it in the thing. You've been feeling I think part of the reason that you're like, all right, I have to go by myself. I have to go talk to my dad. I have to set this right on my own. You've been getting this feeling like this is the ultimate show of love is going out. There and putting myself in harm's way for the people I care about.

There's this feeling that's been rising up in you ever since you've come in contact with the moonstone. Oh, so it's causing him to be more sacrificial. Yeah, cool. Like Lillian. Like, oh, yeah. Lillian and like Perel and Jesus. Yeah. You're becoming more and more like Jesus literally did the Iron Cross. Going to a cave. Yeah. To be sealed in for three days. With my dad burning Bush King. Wait, that's Moses. Sorry. Yeah. So fired his Bush do.

Yeah, Bush bro have chlamydia like Jesus did my bushes on fire. Oh, thank you. Yes, you load up your bandolier with moonstone and the wizard water the bird necklace around my neck. Yeah, clutching thinking. Uh, talking to a cloud piercer. You call for me. Ring a ding ding. Hi, very what's that food that you guys were talking about? It's like a strip of pig and you fry it in the morning. It's really crispy bacon. I don't think that's what it is. It's like a part of big. It's really flat. P meal.

I don't think that's what it is. It's like a pig. You know, the ham of the dirt dogs, the like hairless dirt dogs. Yes, that me pigs. I don't know. Ving, what do you need? She's been doing this all. Morning. I need you to stick close very well. Is there danger afoot? They could be. I'm going to confront my father and you feel like alarm in cloud piercers mental connection. We will be at hand. Should you need us? Thank you. They have tusks sometimes and they're kind of hairy. I guess on occasion.

Those are pigs. You just hang up on her. And we cut to being walking through the tundra as the snow and ice whips at your hair and your and your furs and your flaps. The cold of the ice does not touch your skin. Walking across the vast tundra. You feel the weight of Larry Terry and Chad in your hands. This weapon that has been used to defend your life to defend the life of Billy.

You're for all intents and purposes son and the people that you care about and the world itself and you're struck by like the weight of it. Like how the fuck does it tuck wield this? It also feels like it's an extension of my body because it kind of is. Yeah. Yeah, right because you made it and also spiritually. It's a connection of your family. Yeah, like you are all bound by sort of this weapons purpose and those that have wielded it. I feel the weight but is well balanced. Yeah. Cool.

That's sick. Throw it up in the air. Catch it. Oh yeah. Mjolnir style. Wow. I'm like Captain America. You travel kilometers eastward and you find a cave in what looks like a cleft of an old frozen riverbed and you descend. I rake my hand across the entrance of the cave and I want to ask the rock if I call upon it again this day to seal me and whoever's down there with me in it shall be done.

And as you're brushing the mouth of the cave dust and dirt and snow and ice fall away revealing old script around the mouth. What does it say? Sorry. I know I'm not there. No, no, no, no. It's okay. I don't know exactly what Billy's looking at the observatory. I'm not going to say that. Which is just seeing outside of the fanny pack. Yeah, there's like a little the buttonhole that he can see through. Yeah, me and Tucker fighting over the telescope. He's like, oh, cool.

Yeah, the script around the opening of the mouth in this old says this old old script says we meet here with empty hands and open minds. What does that mean? Spout Lore about the cave. Yeah, 2d6 plus intelligence. I got nine nine this remind you remember hearing about old neutral grounds. Hmm. So this is you would assume some sort of old old meeting place that is like we're feuding whatever no harm will come to you in this place. Hmm. And you enter and it's dark.

The mouth is winding and cramped. It's like a narrow you know, like how fantasy caves are fucking huge and you can just kind of stroll around in them and then real caves are like, why would anybody ever go in here? Oh, yeah, I have to crawl in on my belly. You creep through this cave on your belly like a little worm like a little wriggly worm.

It's standing at this thing wave the hand very majestic hair blowing purple axe all the cool bandolier glowing moon and then smash cut to like like squishing in like I dropped a jar. I dropped a jar. I'm stuck. I'm stuck. God, these goddamn flaps. Why do I have so many goddamn flaps and hair is caught? My hair is caught. This is where I die. I'm going to die in this case. Different cuts of them having a horrible time inside a cave 90 seconds later. You're standing up like that was great.

I love that and you are in this old cave. I think there's light coming through old packed ice in the top of the cave illuminating this small chamber and there are stones in the middle set as like seats. And what looks like an old like fire set up and there's a small fire burning in between the packed stones and your father sits on one of the stones. He gestures at the seat across from him. I sit down. I know why you've come. Why? To kill me. It's not that simple. Tell me. For a long time.

I was bent on your end and a lot of the choices I made up to a certain point were towards that and then I thought I'd let it go but I see now that this was bound to happen. We are bound to this moment and to this cave and this place and I hate you. I hate you. As you should. This is the way of our people. We have long memories. You can't run from your ghosts forever. But I think that there might be a better way to achieve both of our ends. I need something from you, Ving. I need your help. Help?

You've taken everything from me. You took my youth. You took my mother. You took the first half of my life. Hating you. I tried to put it away. It's not gone. I lost things too, Ving. Do you think you're the only one in pain? You've hurt so many people. You deserve that pain. I never wanted to hurt you or your family. Or your mother. How can you say that? You killed her. It's not that simple, boy. If you're going to try to kill me, I'm going to make you earn it.

But it doesn't have to be like that. What do you want? I want an end to all kings. Ving sits down. Did I already sit down? I stand up. I stand up and I'm like, I should have known that you were you were trying to face your past. You're trying to use me again. You don't know how to love people. Everything that I've done, everything that you think that I've done to you, I've done at the behest of the court, Ving. You want to direct your wrath somewhere? Direct it at them. You're not an automaton.

You're not a… You're not a… You're not a… You're not some fucking… You're fucking… You're… You're… You're such a piece of shit. You're… You're a person. You're an elf. I'm a king. You don't know our ways. What are the terms of your gesh? To kill the man known as the Ranger King? That's right. In a month. A month and a half. Give or take. That's more than enough time. Without the court, there is no Ranger King. Ah… Was it some sort of coup? No. It's a destruction.

I don't want the court. I don't want there to be a court. I've been a king 851 years. What good has it done anyone? No more kings. No more queens. You want to bring down the court of the woods? And I want you to help me. Why would I ever do that? Because then you live. Or I could kill you and I'd live. I wouldn't recommend it. Ving rolls his eyes. If I wanted you dead, Ving, we wouldn't be speaking right now. Please. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And he leans forward. Please, son.

Tell me how she died. We fought at Hibernia. I thought that I could find a way out for us. She was overcome with grief and rage at the slaughter brought to the lands. I couldn't convince her. She threw herself on my spear. I don't believe it. So be it. But it's the truth. I have no reason to lie to you. I want to use night moves and commune with the pieces of the moon that I have been! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I want to use the pieces of the moon that I have on me to get a vision to see if whether or not he's telling the truth. Whoa! Holy shit! That's sick! Okay, here we go. Night moves is a advance move that Ving took recently that allows him to commune with spirits of the sky and the moon and the stars to gain visions of import. Him using that move to ask for aid from the pieces of the moon that he is currently wearing around him. Mm-hmm.

The thing that he is currently wearing around his neck is pretty hardcore. So, night moves. 2d6 plus wisdom. Ving pulls out a chunk of the moon from his bandolier and throws it as hard as he can at the side of the cave. 11. Holy shit. Okay. Yes. So you throw the chunk of moon Oh, into the fire! Into the fire in front of you. Okay, okay. And it hits the fire and the room is illuminated with this blinding white moon light. Okay. And you are taken back to another time.

Much like you have had visions from your mother's point of view before, this time you have a vision from your father's point of view. Oh. And you are, uh… Hm? No, you're not banging your mom. Nice move. That's that move. How'd you do that? Same brain. How'd you know, man? That sounds like a great idea to me. I don't know. That's true. No, you are… You're in the middle of a pitched battle.

Elves, rangers, druids, there is combat all around you and you, like, uh, come into the vision, like, with an arrow in your hand, plunging it into the chest of a druid and pulling it out as they die in front of you and then running away into the trees pursuing somebody, knowing that they're through the woods. So sick! This is fucking sick! It's intense. Like you pull the arrow out, you run a few steps. Someone starts to charge you. It's Stoneye. And you slash at his face.

And the eye in his head gets sliced out. Oh, yeah. I take a shot from the air. Yeah. Yeah. I told you, you like jump in the air and just hit Stoneye in the face. Yeah. And then take off into the trees. And you feel yourself screaming like, you know, like the lungs in your chest are burning. They're raw with exertion. And you're screaming Ileana. Whoa. And you're darting through the woods. You hear her thundering through the trees. It sounds like she's crashing through the woods.

But it's her running with trees running behind her. Oh, yeah. She's leading like tree ants, basically. Yeah. Like druid forest nymphs. You break through into a clearing just behind Ileana as she begins to take her polar bear form. And the trees around her crash into a formation of elven warriors. And there's just a huge infantry press. As they're crying out and hacking at limbs. And people are getting picked up and crushed by towering trees that hurl them into the distance.

And Ileana, as this enormous polar bear, like lifts her head to the air and turns and faces you. And she charges. And you run forward like hands up. Like Ileana, it doesn't have to end this way. And it's please don't you love me. Oh. And it's hard to tell in the moment if it's please don't you love me or please don't you love me. Oh, my God. Whoa. Holy shit. And then it's hard to tell anything because you're dodging massive swipes of an enormous paw. Getting hit.

Oh, slammed into the ground by a thundering blow. And it becomes clear to you like you aren't sure that you're going to survive this. And you're not sure that you want to. I look at my hands covered in blood quivering. Yeah. And you're dodging rolling as she's slamming into the ground behind you. Roaring. A giant claw rakes down the right side of my face. Yeah. Tearing a bloody swath.

And you reach out almost instinctively as this massive bear, huge jaws, towering muscle, crashing towards you through the air. You reach out and throw your hand forward. And you've grabbed a spear off the ground. And her body slams into the point. And then the back end of the spear slams into the beach. And she is stuck. Bloodied. A fatal blow. It's a blur for quite some time. You see yourself mourning this beast that was the woman you loved. The mother of your child.

The smell of smoke is in my nose from the huts in the town. And there's a floral scent in the air. Full moon. Behind her dead body. Yeah. Full moon in the sky. And you see yourself wandering towards a formation of druids on the beach. Take an arrow off your back. Shot. Kill. Take an arrow off your back. Shot. Kill. I'm still fighting. And you're walking towards them thinking that this would be the easy way to end this pain. Is to just let them win.

And then a comrade of yours from your talon grabs you and pulls you into a ditch. And you're like, oh, I'm dead. I'm a bitch. As a giant rock lands from a selkie. They launched a walrus. Yeah. Launched a rock. You see stone eye behind the formation with a massive boulder. Hurl it. And your comrade pulls you out of the way at the last moment. And then the vision ends. And you just see your father on the other side of the fire. Wow. Holy shit. So awesome. So. You see now. I see a broken. Shed.

I see a broken. Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed. Shed. Stands. Meet me at the edge of the Boreal Reach in two days. We'll begin. Leave me here. He leaves. And you leave the cave? Or are you sitting for a while? I'm gonna sit for a bit. What are you guys doing in the fanny pack? Oh, I'm preparing a picnic for Victor when he gets back.

I feel like, yeah, I was helping Billy with the picnic. And he keeps being like, let me pour the… And I'm like, you dump it every fucking time. You cut… Well, you just have to tell me when to stop. I do tell you when to stop. Well, you have to tell me before then. Okay, go. Pour the granola. Alright, I'm pouring. Okay, stop now. Stop. Sorry. Okay, I need a bit more time. And I'm stopping. Tug is like a little bit frustrated.

It's like when one of the parents goes away for a weekend and you're just like, okay. You're just so exhausted. It is so much work to keep on top of him. And there's a lot of stuff in this palace that will kill him. And your partner went away for the weekend with their problematic dad. So you know there's the stress you're worried about. Yeah, I can't reach out about it. Tug. What? Are you mad at me? Yes! Oh, no. Is it because I'm stupid? No, Billy. Okay.

Maggie like whacks Tug on the arm when he says that. Tug, I'm mad. I'm not mad at you. Stuff is just frustrating sometimes. He said Tug. Tug. I know. Billy, I'm talking to Tug right now. Billy, I am mad. I am mad, but I'm not mad at you. That's the thing that's happening. It's frustrating to learn things and it's frustrating to teach things sometimes. And it makes people frustrated but I'm not mad at you. You're doing a good job of trying to figure this out.

It's just really hard to learn when the boy doesn't grow up. I know. I know. You're really little still. I'm always going to be little unless they change. I know, but that's why it's so cute. That's part of what I love about you is you're so small. I'm sorry! And Tug picks him up and hugs him and he's like, oh yeah, Billy's learned that this is a good way of getting hugs. Tug's like, no, it's fine. I like how little you are. But I'll pour the granola. It's okay.

I just wanted to make a really good picnic for Vig and for Victor. I know that Vig really likes granola. I know. You're doing a really good job. And that was a really kind thing that you wanted to do. Morris is smoking a paper pipe next to the fireplace. Just got like a big long classic wizard pipe. And when Billy starts saying the boy won't grow up, he's like, he just looks over. Can he look down at the pipe? Give it a smell? Just tap it out. Perry, what's in here?

That's all explained to you later. Don't worry. It's completely fucked up. And we cut back to the cave. And for a moment in the cave, you hear at the front of the cave, at the tiny little mouth, is everything okay in there? Victor. Mouth of caves. It's too small for Victor's mighty body. You look and his nose is like jammed under the crack because he's quite a big boy. Certainly man walked away.

I watched him go in case he came back for ambush, but I did not approach because I did not feel necessary. Everything's okay. Thanks for watching out for me, pal. Okay, I will be out here when ready to go back in bag. How are you feeling? How's Ving feeling about this? Good. Weird. Sad. Aww. I think realizing that his dad actually did love his mom, he found a soft spot and like he said, he's not doing it for him. He's doing it in her memory. Whatever piece of her that lives in him.

Might go inside the fanny pack. Okay, so we cut back in the fanny pack. What's going on? We're playing an MLB baseball game. What? What is that? A Major League Baseball game. So there's like a huge field. Oh, you're in the courtyard. Yeah. Oh my God. There's a massive like Morris was like, there's this game we used to play. It's like paper players. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's more leather out here because I guess the paper was more the library, right? Yeah. Yeah.

So this is fake grass and the sky is like painted leather. Like it's like a skybox basically that's painted on. Yeah. Although there is actual light from the painted sun. And you know what? Actually, I take that back. They are paper players because Morris was like, oh, we're going to, that is, this isn't enough people for a full team. So just a sec. And he got like an arm full of books. And when you got outside, just like through them and they all biographies of famous baseball players. Totally.

I think about the designated hitter rule. Yeah. And Tuck's just like in, like in the field, trying to teach Billy to hit a ball like with a bat. I miss a lot of them, but when I do hit it, they go far. Totally. Yeah. Oh, I like that you hit one like really, really far. Yeah. And Vink catches it. Oh, sick. He's back in the, back in the fanny pack. Holy shit. And Vink pads out, this massive wolf pads out into the field and it's like, is this picnic for Victor? It is. Did you like it?

And it's just, his face is covered in food. He's delicious. Billy's so proud of himself. I need fuel for my perfect body. I know you do. I know you do. I know you do. I know you do. I know you do. I know you do. I know you do. I know you do. I know you do. I know you do. I know you do. I know you do. He takes the pet very, oh, wonderful. And then he starts to lope across the field and goes, look how fast I run. I'm not even trying. I'm so fast.

And then you see him jump 20 feet in the air, pounce on one of the paper pages. Rip it apart. And yeah, Vink walks back into the field and everyone is like, oh, like Maggie's like, how'd it go? Everything, are you okay? I'm okay. I think, I think it'll be okay. I mean, it seems like, it seems like things, I, now we maybe have to bring down the court of the woods. Maybe got a little bigger out of hand, but I, I feel good. Wait, what? Yeah.

Yeah, so you remember when you dropped that in such a very casual way. No, we just have to destroy a millennial long oligarchy that exists in an impenetrable forest of, of eternal warriors. I am so sorry. I might need your help. You have my sword. You have my axe. Give it. Thank you. Thank you. That was amazing. All right. So I think, and Maggie claps, I think I, I might be out of my depth here. Also, I feel like we've maybe forgotten we got to go get the boat, the boat. From the goblins.

Oh, fuck. Fuck. What? How many days has it been? Holy shit. We've just been hanging out. So yeah, Maggie does some math on her fingers and tries to remember when the fake sun rose and set in the fanny pack. Oh, we've got, um, shit. I think it's tomorrow. Oh no. Yes. What if, what if we just send Maggie on Gale? I love that idea. Yeah. It makes sense. I, yeah, Maggie, you should take Gale and go back and get your boat and take Gale and go back. Okay. All hail Gale. He clutches a necklace. Yeah.

What's up? Come get Maggie if you can. It was pigs. What pigs? It was a pig. You're totally right. It was a pig. Bacon. Bacon. Sugar. Just put some pigs. I don't think it's called bacon. Okay. It's called bacon. Okay. What are you, what do you need? Come to us, please. Aye, aye, Capitan. Uh, and you know that she's going to arrive in, you know, half an hour. Yeah. Great. I can see her. I can track her. Yeah. You can see her on the GPS like an Uber. Yeah.

Uh, and Maggie's like, all right, yeah, that makes sense. Uh, I get the clear water and then I go, actually, can you get the clear water and head to sheer city? Oh, to talk to Dreyfus. Yeah. Yeah. Oleander's waiting for us there. I, what do we think? Uh, look, I feel like we've maybe jumped up a little bit. I'll go get, uh, Dreyfus, maybe put some feelers out. See if we can't gather some folks. If we need them, we're going to need them. All right.

I'll put out the call because even if we don't need them to collapse a government, which is a thing that you really brush past thing, I'll, I'll continue to brush past it until we get there. You see the entire scope of this very big thing. And then tuck lean, tuck, like kind of like he does the thing where like, uh, a couple is fighting secretly at a party and he's like, look, dude, you can't, you can't keep doing shit like this. You just bring stuff up. That's like huge changes to our lives.

And then you're like, Oh, like this is the time to do this. We talked about this. I just need you when stuff is really big. Yes. To at least consult me before agreeing to things. I really appreciate you stating your needs. Can we please bring down this Elvin government? And then tuck goes, I feel he's trying so hard to say, to not say you never. Yeah. Always. Yeah. Try not to say you're a piece of shit, but say, I feel like you're a piece of shit. It's trying to use.

I feel state does not understand them. I feel like you think that I'm fucking stupid. Sometimes everybody, Maggie Perel, and Morris have started kind of wandering away. Just letting you guys have the room. Maggie goes, Billy, come on, let's go. Why? We're going to go back to the study. We're going to eating. Yeah. There's more food inside. Okay. Do we want to hash this out? It's I, I apologize. I'm, but that doesn't do anything. No, it's, it's, I appreciate that you apologize.

I should have consulted you, but I mean, we were here to do the thing and I know I don't, I, I went in there alone and I made decisions on behalf of all of us. It probably put us all in danger. I, is this going to get rid of your gash? Yes. Okay. I'm on board. I hope so. That's all I needed to know. Maybe. Cause you came in. It's probably not going to do that. What the fuck? The more you qualify this, the worse I feel about it.

The, like I am on board for anything that is going to keep you around. Okay. I appreciate that. If we were just doing a favor for your shitty dad, I'm not into it. No, no, no, no, no, no. This is, this is going to destroy the title, the King of the Ranger. It's a technicality, but it'll work. I think, I hope like, Oh, like we'll bring the court down and then the King of Rangers won't exist. Cause there won't be a government. Okay. All right. I'm at, I can do that. I can, what the fuck?

I don't know if this is going to work. I can't say that. And I can't, I can't say that it, that it, that it's going to do what he wants. I guess all I'm asking is I don't want to end up like he is. And can I don't, I don't, uh, fuck. Oh no. In the weeds again. And tuck tuck is like, it's fine. It's fine. Uh, I, we both know that you need to stay alive. So we need to fulfill the gash. Because we know that I end. So I'm on board with this. Cause you have to survive it. So I'm in. Thank you.

All right. And you join the rest back in the study. Yeah. Yeah. And Maggie has like her rucksack and she's got like a, I don't know why I imagine her in like a leather coat, like a kind of short, like brown leather jacket. That looks beaten to shit. She's had it for a million years. She's got her spear in her shield and her armor is all like strapped up and slung over her shoulder, like a backpack as well. Yeah. Billy. I talked to Ving about it. We hashed it out. You're not mad at Ving anymore.

I'm not mad at Ving anymore. Yeah. I tell Billy, I was like, I was mad at Ving cause he didn't talk to us about what we, he was going to do, but there was a good reason for it. Nice. And I, I always want to, I always consider you both, but when I get stuck in my head, it's just me in there. So I, I, uh, you know, I want to let you know that, um, I'm always thinking of you. And Billy, we're going to go see the great forest. With trees. With the huge trees. And shade. And the big shade. Yes.

So no more ice. No, no more hot desert. Just trees. Yes. The only ice they have up there is ice cream. Ice cream. Ice cream. Known for it. Well, actually, technically the border you'll reach is still a frozen part of the forest. So there will be ice for a little bit longer. It's actually quite an interesting, uh, geographical area in terms of. Tuck throws a book at him. Ed Perel is laughing. It's like, I love having another nerd in the room.

Um, but yeah, Tuck says, Tuck tells Maggie, he's like, even if we don't need it to bring down the court of the boreal reach, if you could build that army that you were talking about. Oh, don't. Yeah. Don't worry about that. I've, I've got it under control. I feel like shit's popping off with the princeps of the firefields principality. War is coming. Yeah. And we have to kill a God still. Apparently. I'll, yeah, I'll put out the feelers. Hey, maybe this can help.

And Ving hands her a small Jade statue that has ivory in it. Yeah, I can sell that for a pretty sum. Pretty sum. Oh, Hey, remember, how I met you all during a hot dog festival? Oh yeah. Billy wants to give her two gifts. Oh, uh, he, uh, scoops up the blanket with the picnic on it and just drags it over. He's like, here you go. Here's your lunch. Oh, all right. Thank you. And then he holds up the gold necklace worth 500 coins. He's like, holy shit. I'm never going to wear this.

It'll probably look really nice on you. Okay. Yeah, absolutely. Billy, thank you so much. This is beautiful. This is going to go a long way, towards, uh, um, she looks at Billy as he looks at her expectantly, uh, fashion. Oh, it's going to look really good on me. And she puts on the torque. It looks nice. Thank you. You're welcome. Uh, and Maggie says, so what's your plan? Are you heading to the Boreal reach now? Or, uh, is, uh, is cloud person around?

Can we just like, yeah, yeah, he's always around. I think, I think that's a good idea. We should probably head up there. All right. Well, I am hitting the road. I'm going to go back to, uh, the, the, uh, clear water. My Thunderbird is here. Yeah. I just got a text that said, it is your Thunderbird. I am outside. I gotta get going. But, um, and she looks like she's not saying something. Do you want a hug? Yeah. And she comes, she hugs Billy and she kind of gathers all of you in.

I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to miss, I'm going to miss you guys. We'll see you soon. Hey, be safe. Okay. Be careful. Hey, you be safe too. Court of the woods. I don't know much about them, but I know they're serious business. So just get out of this alive. Okay. I don't know if anybody knows that you've been with us, but they're, they're gunning for us. So you be careful and be secret. Be safe. I will.

And she, uh, she goes over to Perel and Morris and, uh, shakes Morris's hand and shakes Perel's hand. And Pearl's like, thank you for everything that you've done for me. I can't begin to thank you enough. And she pulls him into a hug, gives him a nice kind of pat on the back. Whoa, that sand metaphor worked. Oh yeah, it did. And she backs away towards the door.

And it's a very like, uh, end of a sitcom thing where like the characters in the empty set at the last shot, but she's looking at all of you and is like, okay. And she turns and she leaves. Wait, Maggie, she turns back here. I have something for you too. Okay. And I hand her the love and lust. Choose your own adventure. Those nights can be pretty cold. Why is this, uh, why is this book crunching so much? Why is the back half so well read? And Tug like, like looks, he's like, what, what, Billy?

Is that, I gotta go. Billy's calling. All right. All right. Billy. I'm right here. Tug runs into the other room. What are you looking for? Is there another one? Billy follows Tug. Are you confused? She, yeah. Heads out through the door into the servant's quarters and out of the fanny pack. And she's gone. And you get a message from cloud piercer mentally that asks if you're ready to go. We have things, hair blows in a wind. That's not there. Are you ready? Thing? Are you ready guys? Yes.

I'm ready. I have my cloak on. Yeah, I'm ready to Texas. He, he puts his little backpack. The only thing I own. And Morris says, I am also ready to go take a nap. Let me know if you need me. I'll be in here. And he heads into the fanny pack deeper. Probably you staying with Morris. I mean, I think so. You don't need me for like a bird ride. I am also going to take a nap. Yes. I also, I'm tired. I'm leaving. I know it happens. And Perel turns and follows Morris back into the fanny pack.

Those guys are so cute. And you, uh, leave the fanny pack as well. And you exit the tower, this tower that you spent so long seeking and you found, and you see Gail and cloud piercer kind of like, yeah, doing the bird stomp. Yeah. The bird, they're like shaking their feathers and stomping their feet. And Maggie is, uh, like strapping her shit to Gail and Gail's like, hi, hi everybody. Yeah. I have something for you. He throws a piece of bacon in the air. She snaps it out of the air.

Chomp, chomp, chomp. That's not it. I don't know what it was. I can't. And, uh, cloud piercer and Gail turned to each other and kind of do that bird, like head Bob. And you hear cloud piercer go like, be safe. Be safe. Cloud piercer. We will meet again in the skies. Cause the, I mean, I don't, it feels like they maybe forgot, but the cloud, the war against throne breaker still rages. Remember, those are also stakes. Well, farewell friends. And you guys pack on the cloud piercer. Yeah.

Um, Victor says that he's going to run alongside. Oh yes. He's going to run. Yeah. I do not need to come with the on giant bird or sitting bag. I will simply fucking go for it. Holy shit. Wow. That's awesome. Victor is, uh, he's on the bag. Giant bird. But I just want to be clear. Father said two days, right? I have two days to get there. Two days. Just to be clear. To get, yeah. To get to the border of the boreal reach. Perfect.

That gives me half a day to get there and then half day and I have to hang out and do whatever I like to do. To take in the sights, maybe go see a movie and then you will arrive after Victor. Horse. And he goes, and runs off into the snow. And the birds look at each other and you look across at Maggie who gives you a salute and their wings spread mightily and into the air. You take off Maggie heading west towards the ocean and you heading south towards the boreal reach.

And that is where we're going to end it for this week. I'm your game master, Sean O'Hara. Joining me as always playing Tacoma Dome, the barbarian, Abdul Aziz. So long. Playing Ving, the half elf druid, Paul Oppers. Take care. Playing Fat Billy, the halfling thief, Jessica Tai. Bye, everyone. Thank you to Aaron Reed for our intro and outro music.

You can find Aaron's original music at Aaron Reed dot band camp dot com and all of the music composed by Aaron and written by Abdul and myself at SoundCloud dot com. This show would not be possible without the supporters that we are supported by around the world.

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And so ends the tale of adventures three who tried the best they can. Though dumb and scared and lost they be. For time's abreast in revelry. And though our journey. May be like a conclusion. We will not leave you without a resolution. Return next week to hear some more whilst you commute or do your chores. And for you, I'd gladly Spout Lore.