Episode 10 – Time to Sleep

Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers have health, he shifts his shape, and wields a spear with great might Peely's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends, and listen close For the tale's about to start Hello everybody and welcome Paul and I just finished a new episode of the show We just finished our vocal warm ups And we are here for Spout Lore My throat is feeling open and loose But taut enough to say the things I need to say Hot, hot Come horse, come horse Sean, show me how loose your throat is right now I said what I said and I said it in a non-sexual way Show me how open And that's exactly how we heard it Hello everybody and welcome to Spout Lore I'm your game master Sean O'Hara Joining me as always playing Tacoma Dome Barbarian Abdul Aziz Hello everybody, I got a tight ass throat For the tightest throat in the game Alright, playing Velf Druid Paul Oppers Hey everybody, let me tell you about my tight throat ass Okay, and playing Fabuli the Halfling Thief Jessica Tai My throat is totally normal I will not comment on it Jessica's just texting Jessica's playing solitaire I'm not texting, I'm playing solitaire You used to do drawings I know Woah What the fuck?

You used to do drawings What do you mean?

That came with so much shade it felt You have so much, you used to do drawings Yeah, you don't do anything now Not just solitaire, you're not even doing it right You're playing Free Cell The vibe of this is so like the three of us are absolutely disgusting boys And Jess is just like I'm just gonna wait until they're done Yeah I'm not responding to this Fair enough, fair enough When last we left our heroes They arrived at the fortress of Lone Tree Hill Dominion of Jack the Pumpkin King Jessica just won at Free Cell Congratulations Thanks I feel a lot better I feel great Alright, so now would you like to comment on the state of your throat?

So loose and conversational The party arrived at Lone Tree Hill The fortress of Jack the Pumpkin King They continued to fight They continued their plan which was to put on a play slash wrestling match In an attempt to distract the Pumpkin King and his guard forces Long enough for the Crows and Wild Bill to infiltrate the fortress The play continued Some wrestling happened The Crows enacted their plan Stealthily taking out all of the guards in Lone Tree Hill While this play What are some highlights from the play that we can recall?

Tuck did PvP for the first time ever That's true Tuck hit Ving with a folding chair After he was blinded and deafened by an exploding music bottle Ving worked pretty good throughout this play And the Pumpkin King at the very end was offered a blade To take part in the finale of the play And you were able to get him down with some rousing cheers of Pumpkin King, Pumpkin King And the fortress was fully secured by the Crows The pile of food in the middle of town The stockpile Was distributed and turned into a great feast Which would be used to attract the pigs Tuck took down the walls The party hoisted the Pumpkin King by his own petard And put him in a little papoose on top of a flagpole Hoisted by his own papoose In which he was accosted or threatened by the Crow that keeps flying around and killing doves for no reason For no reason Ving was!

And the party spoke to Armand, a young halfling Who gave them some information on an elderly halfling woman Said to live on the edges of the Everwood And the Wittershins and Sunwise Rivers Called Nana?

Called Nana That is just called Nana by everyone Who collects things from the river and is said to have emerged from the river herself Oh cool Yeah Ving then summoned a bunch of spirits of air Which took the form of bats, birds, and the like And carried scents of Cooking food from the stockpile all across the Everwood Valley To attract Razortusk and his hordes Oh we had a little insight into Billy and Bill's past Yeah In which since childhood Wild Bill has been like feeding Billy, leaving offerings for him Yeah And receiving blessings in kind Very cool and cute Which in turn has turned him into a lucky adventurer Yeah He has survived this long by his luck Yeah And then as the sun set The hordes of hogs arrived And at their head Razortusk The War Pig Bam bam bam And that is where we find our heroes now Charging a formation of furious pigs with Razortusk at the head of the charge What do you do?

Ving has coordinated a bunch of the pieces of the wall And has little pikes so they're running along They have like battering rams Oh yeah Like a whole bunch of Halflings on either side Cool To make them more formidable Awesome Like a barricade I was thinking more like a log jam Oh yeah Okay Or like maybe the logs were bigger than them So they're like holding onto pieces of wood on the other side Like they're carrying a battering ram Oh yeah That's what I was picturing With different like antlers and horns And some of them are on fire at the front Hell yeah Okay so Ving is running along a line of halflings with makeshift war engines basically Cool What's Tuck doing?

He's out ahead He's running so fast Oh yeah He's like started Hulk running as soon as he saw Razortusk Okay what's Billy doing? Billy's gone into one of the houses And a lot of the grannies and grandpas in the village store a lot of like medicinal stuff One of them is fermented onion juice So he grabbed canisters of that And he's like running into the front and hurling them And it's like releasing this kind of like oniony tear gas Oh you're gassing them?

That's sick Oh that's a very smart move So last episode Tuck rolled deathless Deathless yeah To dismay his foes So you do get a plus one forward Yeah Is it ongoing or is it It's ongoing It's ongoing Plus one ongoing That was dumb of me And I imagine the charge is what is doing this Yeah Okay who are we resolving first?

I guess the gas makes sense to resolve first Sure The onion vapor Yeah So go ahead and roll the onion vapor Yeah So I'm gonna roll the onion vapor Okay So I'm gonna roll the onion vapor Okay So I'm gonna roll the onion vapor Okay So I'm gonna roll the onion vapor Okay So go ahead and roll 2d6 plus dexterity I guess for volley Ten Oh damn Sick Okay So with a ten on your volley Billy just hurls some jars of fermented onion juice into the front of the charging pigs which shatters and as they charge through like the cloud even a few rows back people are like ugh They start closing their eyes and watering And the pigs that charge through get a snoutful Oh yeah And are like start squealing as they charge through Nice And they're like reeling back and tumbling over each other Yeah and the ones that do come through come through disoriented like their eyes are closed they don't even see what they're charging at anymore Cool I will say Razortusk seems unaffected he just like plows through this cloud When he breathes it in the runes on his armor like glow for a second and then he seems fine Cool Yeah and then he just like snorts it out Farts it out Yeah he farts it out yeah I was gonna try and make it a cool image but it's gotta be a fart unfortunately Ving your halflings with their makeshift barricade I'm going to um fight with honor roll plus con for some chi And just let the halflings deal with the barricade on their own Uh yeah he's he's kind of uh leading by example he's gonna be like uh Tom Hanks and uh Zeb and Prev Ryan leading people into war Right yeah fight from the front Yeah Yeah or lead from the front yeah Oh yeah I got five Oh fuck Okay big fat fail Oh no Okay big fat fail for Paul I got one chi still but the enemies have the jump on me Okay so I think it's like you are like a Oh fuck Okay big fat fail Oh no Okay big fat fail for Paul I got one chi still but the enemies have the jump on me Okay so I think it's like you are like a Okay so I think it's like you are trying to lead from the front so you're like move this up here like get back like you're still calling things out Uh huh As the horde reaches you and you just barely have enough time to get your footing underneath you as they hit you like a truck Whoa What do you do to defend yourself as they start bowling you over I'm going to try and get above them so I'd like to call upon some aerial help I would like to summon my um call of nature and summon some some birds Yeah I would say that you do need to address the immediate danger of pigs on you right now Okay what's my uh leap over across a physical obstacle Yeah like basically you've got that super reaction timing where they hit you but you just jump Yeah Like leap right over them so you expend your chi for this fight by leaping out of the way of this danger and then summon birds Yeah I'll summon some birds Yeah You're basically like anime style like leaping into the air Ne ne ne ne Twisting coming to a stop and summoning the birds as you come back down so go ahead and roll um call of nature Eleven Okay Uh ten plus I get two requests plus my eager beaver so I get three requests Hell yeah So you summon a flock of birds Uh huh the crows The crows from the spirit world Crows from the spirit world Yeah Which come in the form of many crows Oh Crows in the spirit world are just regular crows Crows Oh that's sick I actually do really like that It comes in it looks like a giant crow it almost looks like coming through the sky up behind him maybe somebody sees and thinks oh my word cloud piercer is here and then it oh my word It was oh my word that made me laugh too Oh my word Oh my word Oh my word Wait we don't say oh my word all the time There's a very fancy boy in the Oh sorry Oh I say Sorry guys I'll redo that so you guys see this giant bird and somebody turns and says OMG it's a big bird Haha And then the bird the giant bird breaks into a huge murder of crows Yeah So sick Swoop down and pick up Ving Hell yeah okay so oh they're picking you up Yeah So now you're up in the air Yeah I'm like I have a crow body around me made out of crows Yeah Okay Oh cool So we'll call that spending one request One request I have two left Yeah So now you are aerial Great So sick Yeah I'm gonna do the thing where I fly over top of them Uh huh And shoot crows at them Shoot crows Crows just firing out like So scary though Being pecked Yeah You know that thing Yeah You know that thing that happens Where you shoot out crows But we'll cut to Tuck for a sec while Ving begins soaring through the skies the pigs disoriented by the onion vapor rampaging around Yeah But Tuck you are coming face to face with Razortusk With Razortusk He is huge I would say at the shoulder he like comes up to your shoulder almost He's yeah I think he's like an elephant almost in size Yeah yeah like rhino size maybe at least Yeah Yeah Okay Tuck is gonna do a war cry Okay And his war cry is running up to Razortusk Uh huh And punching him in the head as hard as he can Alright 2d6 plus Yeah charisma Okay Here we go Yeah Fuck you Razortusk Nine So you get to choose one or the other your enemies feel fear Can I aid Oh yeah shoot a crow at him Yeah Shoot him with a crow He does come on with a big car to draw his eyes so he doesn't see your big fist coming in Totally Yeah So I'm gonna go with Razortusk Yeah I'm gonna go with Razortusk Yeah I'm gonna go with Razortusk Yeah You two come up with two lives come in Oh yeah Yeah two two six plus bond I got five Okay Did it work You shoot me with the crow Yeah Maybe oh I think your failure might be that you're trying to get the spirit crows to help tuck Mm-hmm And it's gonna cost you a request Oh what You keep like missing Razortusk the birds are clanging off his armor Yeah So you fire enough birds at this this pig that your grasp on the spirits service is Yeah well cause they're starting to be like hey he's just throwing us at him him yeah this doesn't seem like we're helping I want to carry him around anymore it sucks but regardless tuck charges through the cloud of spiraling ricocheting crows oh yeah that's cool like there's a cloud of crows that are around razor tusk that are distracting him and then like through the cloud of crows tuck like does the jump somebody draw this and it's like he punches so hard his head goes straight into the ground yeah yeah and he like skids along the ground and has to like scatter his legs to try and get back up yeah they roll the hack and slash as well for the punch no I think the point I think the punch is the war clock okay so are you which which option are you choosing uh my allies take plus one forward so the halflings are emboldened by this absolutely they see tuck make razor tusk falter he bleeds yeah yeah there's like blood dribbling out of his pig mouth yeah billy you've thrown your onion juice where is billy like staying back or is he running forward I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't running forward he's picked up the broken bottles and he's wielding them like little weapons yeah super sick okay so you're running into the pig crowd pig pen yeah pig pig apocalypse yeah I like it so billy are you letting talk like handle razor tusk and you're dealing with like a group of the hogs themselves yeah with a couple rowdy ones rowdy ones well like rowdy like they seem like really insistent he's attacking pigs beat up people I don't know what pigs do they did they do this they're rowdy ones they want to beat people up we are the rowdy ones that's what they say that's what they're saying to each other they're like you and me bro we're the rowdy ones okay billy runs forward into the rowdy pigs and begins to slash away with his bottles yeah get away you little piglets I don't know and the half or the onion juice um it's spraying everywhere it's stinging their cuts yeah oh yeah they hate it they're kicking and snorting spitting all over the place um I want to aim for the pig and I'm going to go with the pig and I'm their snouts though oh yeah nice okay so hack and slash okay 2d6 plus strike I got two holy shit two one is three that's three that's not so good billy is going to get trampled by some pigs I think yeah so go ahead and roll a d6 four so you take four points of damage yeah as the hooves just like rain down around you shit Billy!

Yeah, being from up high, you see Billy just go down. Okay, I'm very elastic so I'm like pretty bouncy. Yeah, but not eight points of damage bouncy. He pulls up on the crows and does a barrel roll back over, swoops back over to Billy. So sick. Yeah, you come arcing down like a comet made of crows. The splashes, crows splash up in the air. Yeah, totally. And all the crows, they're just flapping and pecking the pigs, which are freaking out.

And I've gone and I've tied the tusk, the razor tusk, through my harpoon spear rope, through my saffron spear. So I have it like a rope dart that he can like swing around and kick towards things. So he's rope darting with the magical armor. That's fucking rad. That's cool, man. So I'll come down, I guess that's what, hack and slash with my weapon? That would be hack and slash, yeah, for sure. Okay. 2d6 plus strength. Ten.

So you deal your damage and also you can open yourself up to damage from the pigs to deal an additional d… Six? I'll definitely do that. Nice. Eight. Eight damage. Okay. You basically like stick around in the horde long enough to keep lashing out. Pigs are falling around you. Okay, cool. But the horde is overwhelming, so roll a d6. Three. Three damage. You're whipping your razor tusk rope dart around, just like cutting pigs down. Clang, clang, clang. Oh yeah, that's sick. Yeah.

But they do, they get a good couple kicks in. Tuck. Yes. Razor tusk is like pull them. Back up out of the mud and he is shaking his like armor off. There's just a great gout of mud that shakes into the air and he's kind of like like stepping around you. Yeah. But then you see him like lift his head up and sniff a couple times. That shit. And turn towards Ving. Oh no, right, because he smells delicious. Well, and he's got the horn. Oh, and I've got the thing, but both of those. Yeah.

Tuck uses, uh, what are you waiting for? I put Billy in danger. Yeah, I see Billy sitting next to Vig with a couple of broken cocktail onion bottles. Yeah. Slashing at pigs. What, didn't he have a sword like 20 minutes ago? His sword is in his cabinet. It's right here. Billy, Billy, draw your sword. I've got my sword drawn. Oh, shit. Billy looks up and drops the bottles and he takes out his sword. So funny that he's like, perfect. Weapon. Weapons. Finally, real weapons. This is a toy.

This is a toy. There's a sword in the toy. So yeah, you see Razortusk start to turn towards Vig and Billy. What do you do? Yeah, I do what are you waiting for to get his attention back. Perfect use of this move. When you cry out a challenge to your enemies, roll plus con on a 10 plus, they treat you like the most obvious threat to be dealt with and you take plus two damage ongoing against them. Oh, my God. Wow. Yes. Amazing. Tuck is too good at fighting, man. It's the only thing he's good at.

I guess that's true. On a seven to nine, only a few, the weakest or most foolhardy fall prey you're taunting. Yeah. When he sees Razortusk like put a bead on Vig because he smells delicious, Tuck pulls some bacon out of his backpack and he crunches on it and he goes, I think this was your mom, dude. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's fine. Yeah. I would be mad too. All right. Two to six plus con. She was hot as fuck. Yeah. Two to six plus con. You said your piece.

I love one of the things that I love about Tuck is that when he shit talks, he usually hits like a pretty solid line off the top and then he does not let it lie. He keeps going to ruin it. Yeah. So it's two to six plus constitution for war cry. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Is it the highest roll we've ever had? I think we've never had it. That's high. I got box scores. I have a plus three and I have a plus one. Wow. Yeah. Dear God.

That actually was his mom. Yeah. That's so sad. It is so sad. That's horrible. That's not happening. No, it's not happening. That's what he says. This is not happening. So Razortusk like hears you bite down on the bacon and you see his pig ear under his helmet like turn and then he turns his head. Oh God. This I'm in. This thing's huge. Like so spooky. It's like a monster from the dawn of time. Yeah. And you think that, yeah, this is like what humanity had to fight on earth in the ice age. Yeah.

This is how our ancestors got here was killing things like this. And you see a bunch of pigs start to turn towards you and like start charging. And then you see the runes on his helm flare. And the pigs turn away and continue. Oh, sick. He told them to go away. Yeah. And he gets down low. Whoa. And he starts kicking his hoof. Tuck does the same thing. And he charges you. I charge him. Well, cut to Billy. Billy. Oh, sure.

You are surrounded by crows that are attacking pigs, which you are also surrounded by. And to your right, I imagine is Ving. And halflings are tussling with pigs and crows. Yeah. Which don't seem to know who the enemy is anymore. The crows are like, all right, we're in it now. Start pecking, boys. Crows versus the world. That's how it's always been. That's how it'll always be. That shitty crow is still at the top of the flagpole with the pumpkin king.

Just pointing at doves and doing this, finger across his throat. But he's like, the crow's like picking, idly picking like pumpkin seeds and like flesh off the pumpkin. He's like, you know, I think. If I really get down to it, it all started with my mother. I just, that's the killing. It's the only thing that makes me feel anymore. And you hear Jack. You can see his mouth now because the crow's eaten a lot of the mouth away. I know what you mean. We cut back down to the bottom.

Billy, what do you do? You are in the thick of it. I see Razortusk charging at Tuck and I have one fairy child left. Oh, I would like to switch objects within view. Whoa. Whoa. Okay. What do we say? What do we think in here? Is it possible to switch the armor? Not all of it. Okay. Because it is not one piece. Right. Could you take the other tusk? Oh my God. Or the helmet? Because it seems to be the one that's controlling the pigs. Yeah. Can I try to take the helmet? Sure. Yeah. Okay.

What are you switching it with? The bottle. Okay. Yeah. Okay. I do think you have to roll for this because you are trying to take off something somebody is wearing. Moving. And it's a magical item. And it's a magical item and it's moving. Sure. So yeah, it'll be two to six plus charisma. Okay. Come on. Come on. Good. Fuck. Seven. So here's what I think happens. You focus so hard on the helmet. You're like, this is the only way I'm going to be able to help Tuck from this distance.

You're like, you like close your eyes and you really focus your fairy powers. And then you are on Razortusk's head. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. The only thing where your child was is now a big metal helmet. And you see, you see Billy like on top of the pig that's charging around. It kind of works. It's fine. Gripping on like he's riding a fucking Bronco. All in the ears. Yeah. What the fuck? That's great. That's great. I don't like that. Tuck's like, ah, whoa. Yeah, totally.

I think the second Razortusk feels his helmet's gone and you are on him, he freaks out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

How would I aid I guess I could try and grab razor tusk yeah yeah that's true yeah you could try and like get a handle on him yeah I see billy appear on his head and his helm disappear and I was like what it goes it goes from us charging to me being like what's going on your fist is still up I like that because it's not even that you see the helmet disappear and billy appear it's just billy is there now and then tuck like immediately changes tactics as he sees like razor tusk start to go into like full rodeo mode yeah and he like jumps and grabs him to try and like keep him from it's like grabbing the bottom of a fucking bucking bull yeah it's like trying to save a rodeo rider by grabbing the bull all right 2d6 plus bond wow that's three plus one is four I guess okay so point yeah I mean I didn't fail yeah it's true no you didn't you didn't know I failed yeah you failed no no and I did take something away from ving for failing a bond so what am I taking away from you like he would fucking destroy me just kick the shit out of you just kick the shit out of it what's his damage is it like a d20 or something no it's high though it's a d10 here we go eight okay eight damage does it negate my armor it sure does why he's covered in magic armor like you know razor tusk starts kicking around and then his tusk like gashes you across the chest and you feel a pain you haven't felt in years where you're like whoa he fucking hurt me bad right because I don't usually feel pain when I get hurt yeah that's the oh this is agonizing yeah it's and it's funny because it probably hurts a lot because you just got gashed in the chest but because tuck doesn't feel pain yeah it's it feels even more painful because you're not used to it yeah yeah so there's just like a spray of blood as you get caught across the chest and take eight damage tuck hears you say that and he wants to say no it's not but then he's like cut it it's his fault I think this uh seven to nine for billy after this failure is tuck gets cut bad and razor tusk just starts rampaging around trying to get billy off his head and like gets away from tuck like you would oh fuck he still wants to fight you but now he's dealing with another thing yeah so you'll have to chase him down if you want to do that so I'm gonna do that so I'm gonna do it I want to get a hold on him fuck uh but billy you are being whipped around by this pig you got a pretty tight hold on his ears as he spins around your world is nothing but mud pigs and pain ving you're in it surrounded by foes and surrounded by the helmet I want to pick it up and put it on interesting so sick I'm gonna try and control these pigs okay you're part wizard I am what do you wow okay so first off it's a helmet for a big pig so it's not gonna fit you exactly I can shape shift your head my head to a hog's head you can't remember you can't physically shape shift anymore can I just borrow one of the other pigs heads no slice the pig's head off and then you push your head into it the guys I figured it out I mean okay five minutes just doing the most brutal butchery scooping scooping so much I've got to hollow it out man these things do have big brains so I think what's happening is you're trying like that's you feel that it's not quite it's not made for you yeah but you can feel something so you like reach out somehow okay should I roll plus wisdom yeah plus wisdom works two six plus wisdom does it mutate like the metal of the helmet I guess we'll see depending on how this goes ten ten yes okay so what we're gonna win because it has a bit of a we're gonna actually win this one you've never said that in a while this one you've never said that in a fight before that's so sick we win all the fights okay I think because you guys said it and it's cool and there's no reason for me not to do this I think you like yeah you reach out with your mind and the metal almost like senses a thinking mind I have the tusk and you have the tusk it's like already like it knows it's familiar there's a part of it that's here and that I've been I've been with it so it recognizes me as a holder of a piece of that magical armor and you did a communion of whispers with the tusk oh that's how that's how it is yeah so you feel this connection that you remember from when you commute and I like that the tusk in my on the end of my string goes like clang and it goes right in the middle like a unicorn cool as the metal like flows and shapes around your skull so cool I look like cool mcneato and unicorn yeah mcneato mcneato mcneato all right we're introducing the new mcdonald's characters today we've got mcneato he controls french fries he is the sworn enemy of mayor mccheese who now has psychic powers and is tired of how the burger people have been treated by the government um case genuinely that this is a comic book that should be made 100 yeah so the one thing you notice as this metal flows around you you feel this like magical connection between you and the armor and then you remember as it's flowing around you the problem that razor tusk faced was that he was sealed inside it as you feel the metal like form under your chin and like latch like a collar around your neck holy shit some of the the iron that's in my skin starts changing into runes too oh some of the like the runes of my skin are like being pushed out onto scales of armor so there's like integrated metal plates in your arm now fuck yikes that's pretty sick that's really cool and also spooky implications but he stands up really slow in the middle of this crows and pig chaos and then just like shh kind of like neo's stop just puts his hands up and the pigs just stop at least momentarily there is a pause in the story the war is over the fight is done we won john did you not hear his cool description he said it was like Neo.

But there is like… Name a cooler reference than Neo. But for a second, there's silence. Tuck. Razortusk is the only thing that is making noise right now. As he rampages around, Billy is getting whipped back and forth on the head of the pig. What do you do? I go, Billy, you're not tall enough for that ride. And I take TLC and I throw it at Razortusk trying to like slice the other Tusk off. In my head, I'm just going to cut the armor off one at a time. And Billy's on his head though? Yeah. Okay.

I'm around. Tuck's like, I have never missed anything in the history of the podcast. 2d6 plus dexterity. Holy shit. That's… Oh god. That's really bad. No, that's bad. Dexterity? Pretty cool. That's fine. That's straight up five. Razortusk is doing that kick spin like a horse does. Where he's just kicking back and forth and spinning in a circle. And as you line up the throw, you do that thing where you close one eye and you stick your tongue out. And you're like… Just full overhead swing.

You don't hit Billy. Because Razortusk, you see the armor flash. Like the runes on his body armor flash. And he spins around and like blocks it with his shoulder. And the axe goes skittering through the air. It's like he's got Iron Man armor on. Yeah. But the axe goes a long way. You see TLC just go Oh shit! And then splash in the mud somewhere. Shit! Billy. Yes. You are still in this for the ride. What do you do? I want to try to drive my sword through his head. Okay.

So actually, since he's still in rodeo mode, you're going to have to roll a defy danger first, I think, to even… Sure. Hold on by one hand. So strength, I guess. Seven. Okay. Seven and nine. If you want to make this attack, it will be the last thing that you'll be able to do on the back of Razortusk. I'm willing to risk it. Okay. 2d6 plus strength for hack and slash. Okay. Nine. Can I aid with the magical use of the armor? Because they're tied to his armor. Oh yeah! Maybe you can.

Maybe he's… Is there some sort of thing that Ving's body is like… They're like mech-ing the same motioning? I don't know. What's your idea of this magical armor? I feel like this armor has to work as one. Did we talk about this last time? I feel like I mentioned that what the idea of the armor was. Well, tell us again. It is designed for the war pigs to work in concert with their rider, but also to work in concert with the other pigs. Ving's kind of like the rider at this point.

Yeah, totally. So I think you could potentially influence Razortusk. I don't think the helmet controls. The armor, though. You know what I mean? No, that's fair. So Ving's gonna try and reach out and get him to calm to at least give Billy a better chance of… Get him to slow down. Totally. Calm him a little bit. Ooh! Six. Can Tuck try and aid an aid? How? By yelling to Ving that Billy's in trouble. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Because I think as soon as I lost the axe and got stabbed and then he took off, I would have been like, Ving! Billy's on Razortusk! That is a six, so I failed. Oh wait, but I have plus one ongoing. Does this work? Plus one ongoing is only with Razortusk. Okay. Yeah, so I failed. Okay. So Billy still gets to do his hack and slash, but he just also takes damage. Yeah. That's fine. Okay. So roll your damage. Three. Oh, pathetic. Pathetic!

And I think because you are trying to get him in an unarmored spot, his armor does not apply, thankfully. So you dig your sword into him, dealing him three damage and he basically like soccer kicks you. Like he throws you off of him and then kicks back while you're in the air. Ooh, ouch! And you're gonna take, oh God, so much damage. Five. Okay, so five. So he just wails on you in the air and you sail into the mud. Yeah. Hitting like a little meteor. Owie. Okay, so two failures.

What do we think your guys' failures are? Uh, we draw the attention of the other pigs. Yeah, I think the moment is past where Ving had like the surprise angle on them. Oh, maybe because he tried to like direct some of like the armor stuff. Oh, you broke your connection with these pigs. With the group of pigs to try and reach out to the head of the pigs. Yeah. So the fight kicks back off really quickly. And they smell how good you smell. Jack-o'-lantern.

Are you specifically smelling good to these pigs? Yeah. Yes. Remember the spirit thing that he tried to do made him smell really good. Ving, the pigs turn to you. Rage in their eyes. And hunger in their eyes too. And they all like surge towards you. And I suppose they deal you this damage. So roll a d6. Eight. Oh, minus three. So minus five. I will say that we have not dealt damage to any of these pig hordes yet, have we? The halflings are fighting the pigs too.

And I guess they would be technically dealing them damage. Yeah. And some of the halflings are dying too. Yeah, totally. Oh, dying? You brought it up, Jessica. I mean, it's a fight. Right, I guess we, Wild Bill. Yeah. Wild Bill has like, what does he fight with? A rifle. Grit. A gun. Oh, yeah. Like those western kind of guns. He stole us six shooters. Maybe he's got a crossbow. Oh, yeah. I like that he has, oh yeah, crossbow, great. Two little mini crossbows. Two little mini crossbows.

And then wrist-mounted crossbows too. And then also wrist-mounted crossbows. And then crossbows on his knees. Oh, knee crossbows. And a head-mounted crossbow. And one on his back. Yeah, one big one on his back. Yeah, for when he falls down. And he like bends forward and shoots like a cannon. Like Boba Fett. Like a mech suit. Yeah. Okay, you know what? We don't realize it because he wears such flowing clothes. Totally.

So he's got two hand crossbows and then he has like racks of bolts that he wears on his side. Oh, I like that. So he shoots and then he like, clack. Reloads. So sick. Click down his side and then reloads it. That's so cool. Yeah, so he's doing okay. You see him, he turns and he just ices a pig. It's John Wick style, like. Yeah. Headshot, headshot, headshot. Headshots only. I, dude, John Wick is so fun.

It's like he's the only man in the world that realized you can shoot someone in the head and kill them right away. And everyone else is like, is he allowed to just shoot us in the head? We keep shooting him in his bulletproof suit. Shoot him in the head. But he like, you know, gets battered by a pig that comes in behind the one he shoots. You see his like, one of his crossbows gets knocked out of his hand. He does a cool roll, comes up, shoots a pig. So sick.

And you do see how crows are going down, but pigs are going down too. Somebody roll a D6 for me. I got it. Okay. Two. So that two is enough that two of the groups of pigs have had their number reduced to the point where they only do two additional damage. Okay. So two of the groups have been weakened, but the halflings have lost a couple of their number. Okay. Okay. So Tuck. Yeah. What is your failure here? What was the thing that just happened to me? I tried to tackle him.

He gashed me across the chest. Yeah, you're like bleeding. You got a sheet of blood coming down your chest. And then I threw the axe. That's gone. And then Razor Tusk football kick Billy. And you failed in the aid. That's what it was. Right. So maybe the failure here is that Razor Tusks, you have become so little of a threat to him that he is no longer focused on you. Fuck. Oh, you lost your war cry thing. Yeah, like you've been like you have lost his interest almost. Okay.

It looks like he's shaking his head free of some heightened emotional state. And you see him look at Ving as well and start trundling trying to pick up speed. And he's going for Ving now? He's going for Ving. You see him snort pig sounds. Delicious. Okay. So I've lost the axe. Billy's in the wind. Yeah. And the guy is going for Ving who is now also being mobbed by pigs. Yeah. I think Tuck runs and tries to catch up with Razor Tusk and grab him by the armor on the back of his hide. Yep.

Like on his ass. Tries to grab his ass. Uh-huh. You're trying to grab this giant pig's ass. And yeah, he just wants to like basically pull him back and whip him. Whip him away. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So 2d6 plus strength. Okay. 11. Okay. So you just grab onto this pig. Yep. Haul him back. Like he's running. Yeah. And then he feels himself stop and start moving backwards. Yeah. And Tuck's like the shot goes back out into a wide and you don't know why it's happening.

And then it's like when Captain America grabbed the helicopter. I was just thinking about that. Exactly. It's slow. It's kind of slow-mo. He's like his muscles are flexing. So hot. Yeah, man. So cool. He's like, ooh. As you're being destroyed by another. Yeah, his head just pops up a bunch of things. Whoa. Yeah. And he wants to take Razor Tusk by the back armor and just like throw him back. Yeah. To like put himself between Razor Tusk and Vig. Totally. Yeah. And that works.

Just pick back and he stumbles falls and is like hurled a good couple meters and just rolls in the mud and starts getting back to his feet. Razor Tusk is kind of he's got a lot of false starts in this fight. Yeah. Yeah. He's probably getting pretty pissed off. Yeah. Tuck pisses him off even more. He goes clumsy bitch. Jesus Christ. Billy. Yeah. Your mouth and eyes and ears and nose are full of mud. They are. Your world is mud. What do you do? I hate it. Billy starts crying. I hate this.

I hate living in the mud. I hate being a little muddy boy. This is why you left. Yeah. This is why I left. Very familiar taste. Like that Billy left during the last hogpocalypse is like part of his backstory. He's like I can't do this anymore. He wipes all the mud like a kid wipes their like nose and face like on the back of his arm. Revealing his face. Before that it was just mud. He wipes off a streak of his face. He's just mad now. He's like a grumpy little boy. Mad.

So he takes a sword and he starts like stomping towards Razor Tusk. Oh, he wants to hack and slash. Okay. He's just storming across the mud. Billy, you it feels like you got thrown a million miles. Okay. Well, I can slash all the pigs as I walk towards Razor Tusk. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's cool. Hack and slash as you walk through this horde of pigs. Yeah. Eight. Eight. Okay. So you deal your damage. Billy's in murder mode. Murder mode. Murder. Four. Four. Okay.

You like cut down a pig if you so choose. You sorry. I'll do it. Okay. Yeah. You just whip your sword out. Yeah. Pig squeals goes down in the mud reducing one of the hordes significantly and you just keep stalking past. Yeah. Then you see Billy like just hack a pig. Oh my God. Blood sprays and Billy just walks past. You see him dragging his sword through the mud. Holy shit. Oh, he's so grumpy. He's so cute when he's grumpy. Fucking doing that Gears of War like sword drag thing. Totally. Yeah.

Yeah. Somebody comes in close and he's just like smash. Yeah. And you keep walking. You see Tuck like squaring up with Razor Tusk come up beside him. Yeah. Yeah. Sick. You look down Tuck and you see Billy standing in the mud with a sword covered in pig blood. You okay buddy? Yeah. I'm just mad. I'm a bad guy now. I'm gonna be a bad guy for the next little bit. Tuck, I don't want you to be scared, but I'm a bad guy for now. Yeah. Tuck, this is gonna be really scary. I'm about to be really bad.

Like when Billy goes full murder mode, like he gives us a heads up. Yeah. I haven't done this in a long time. Yeah. I mean before we were like you know Billy, it scares us a little bit when you go into really bad guys. So now you start warning us. That's really nice. I'm about to be a really bad guy. So Tuck, Billy, you're squaring up. Who leads this? Who steps first? I shoot first. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. That's classic. Yeah. Razor Tusk starts charging and your reaction time is like nope. Too fast.

So what are you doing? Uh, just swinging my sword around. So hack and slash 2d6 plus strength. Okay. Uh, nine. Okay. Would you like to aid me? Yes. Yeah. Sorry. How are you? How are you aiding Billy? Tuck like shoulder checks him in the head to like knock him to the ground to give you advantage on the nice attack. Uh, yeah, that's 11. Okay. So Billy, you get a 10, which means you can deal your damage and also open yourself up to danger if you want to deal an additional d6. I will do it. Cool.

Billy's in bad guy mode. Bad guy mode. You're being a bad guy. Eight. Okay. So this is kind of like a stand up fight for a second. Yeah. Like the three of you are within, you know, two feet of each other. Yeah. Just not to do the Marvel thing. Again, but Captain America and Bucky versus Iron Man. Totally. Like just bam, bam. And like Billy just slashes and tuck hits him and the pig pushes you both back and then you both come back in. Totally. Yeah.

So after I check him, Billy slashes and I see it connect tuck like punches him as hard as he can in his side and then tries to get his hand behind one of the plates of armor to pull it off. Oh, okay. Yeah. Are you doing this with a move? Because remember this armor is like magically resilient. I have the lie. Yeah. What's the lie?

When you leverage your fundamental lack of truth to overcome a magical or metaphysical danger role plus constitution on a 10 plus you ignore the effect completely on a seven to nine ignore the immediate danger, but choose one from below negative one ongoing until the threat is dealt with suffered D10 damage. Wow, that's a lot. The threat endangers an ally. So yeah, I could use the lie. To basically like treated like regular armor mitigate the magical effects of his armor. It's cool.

Yeah, could be a huge way to end the fight. Yeah, because if this armor means that he is able to coordinate these pigs because remember we've seen in the hog apocalypse so far when a pig is like sufficiently damaged. It just leaves like it's like something changes and it's like a pig again. Yeah, instead of a soldier in razor tusks horde. Totally interesting. Okay, so it's two six plus what plus con plus con two to six plus constitution God pray for me guys is 12. Yeah.

Okay, so that means metaphysically to tuck this armor is just regular armor nice, which means that if you were to roll another move you could potentially remove it. Oh, I can't just remove it now. No, it is overcoming the effect of the armor, which is invulnerability. Oh, okay. So we're going to cut back to Ving fuck being your family is up there slugging it out with razor tusk. You are absolutely like surrender halflings are going down around you.

Bill has just one of his he like pushes his way past a couple dead pigs and he's just covered in blood and mud and he's got one crossbow in his hand. He goes get up there son. Click click. I'll hold them off. That's so cool. Holy shit. Wow, he's like there's like a wound in his stomach. Yeah, holding. Oh, yeah, he's bleeding a lot. Yeah, Ving reaches out his hand to like touch his hand and it goes past him and he corrects his eyebrow. You look really cool. I owe you one.

He reaches up and he pulls his eyebrows off and he puts plasters them on to his he puts them back on his mustache. Yeah go and then he just turns and shoots a pig. He reloads and dives into the horde. Wow pulls the bolt out of that pig and reloads and shoots another pig. Yeah, Legolas style. He's reloading with bolts. He's already fired so fucking cool. I'm going to take the moment that wild bill afforded me to roll another fight with honor.

Okay, I'm exiting one fight and going into another totally get rule plus constitution to it 10. Okay, you get all your points three chi. Yeah. Okay. What do you do? So I'm going to cross the distance between myself. And a foe using up one chi get in there and deal my damage to a foe within reach. Oh sick. Okay, which is razor task. Yeah. So what does this look like? What is the crossing a distance between you and a foe look like?

I think it's like drops of mud coming up out of the thing and he's like to to guy like a stairway of mud is reaching him and he's hopping up over the of the hogs and they're like jumping up as they're going, you know, unless the ones like Boeing coming up sideways and they're trying to like get him as they're going. But they can't quite get to him sick. And then yeah, deal your damage. Are you doing the on back thing where you're running on them too? Oh, I love that.

Yeah, jumping from pig to pig. Yeah. Oh totally. It's one of them's like about to fight something. He's like stepped on. All right. My damage is d6 and I'd like to open myself up for an additional d6 that only works with hack and slash. Okay. Well, oh yeah, because you can roll your d6. Yeah, come on five five. Yeah. Okay, so he comes up like full on once I want to grab him by his ears and just headbutt him with his old helmet.

Oh, yeah, you jump off these pigs and come down and bong like a bell just slam this pig in the head and he's looking woozy tuck. You feel him like stagger basically and he's like struggling to stay up Billy razor tusk is like trying to summon some strength to fight back here. He's really like snorting and kicking but he it looks like he is. Losing steam. What do you do to ensure that tuck has the best shot that he can Oh, you know what?

I just get down to his level like grab his face and I say do you want to be free? Oh cool. That's sick. Can you use wealth and taste with this? Oh, I guess like freedom. Yeah, that's very interesting because you can make him want to do anything to get freedom. Yeah. I do. Yeah, I do that. Okay.

So wealth and taste is what charisma it's it doesn't say it just says when you make a show of flashing around your most valuable possession to someone present they will do anything they can to obtain your item or one like it Wow wealth and taste is not a role you can just do it. That's sick. So you you get down and say do you want to be free?

I have never known freedom and Billy just is like you could when you're free roll in the mud like this like flops into the mud and the razor tusk snorts in my home. There is no mud in which to wallow. I sought this for my kind. Oh, what must I do? Allow us to take off your armor. It shackles you. Will it hurt? I don't think so. And you feel this like huge breath come out of him as he settles into the ground closes his eyes. Do what you must nod at tuck. Did I hear that whole conversation?

Everybody hears this conversation. Oh, cool. Because of things voice voice of the forest right? Yeah, being quickly head button. I'm going to grab Zach's your lie work trick this pig into letting us kill him. It's traumatized. Oh, my God. All right, two d six plus strength. Yes. And yeah, I'm using the effect of the lie. I'm using the plus one forward. I have to like get my hands underneath his armor and like just try and rip the whole side off of him to six plus strength like a can opener.

And that is fourteen. So talk you get your hands in there. He's lying on his side in the mud and I get my hands off under like two plates and I just start to like lift and then I hear like ping and you see the runes on the armor like as you're pulling flash and then die. Yeah, it's like a flash and then die. Yeah, it's like a like they're trying to reactivate but like anywhere tuck is touching them. They're completely dim. Like it's like the armor is trying to fight back.

Yeah, you're feeling it pull back towards itself. Oh like a magnet. Yeah, just like yeah, it feels kind of like when tuck force that yeah, the little magic crystal into the danger room where it's just like like the world pushing back. Yeah, the world is trying to stop this from happening. Yeah, and he just keeps just reefing on it. Yeah, stubborn. Yeah, and then there's like a clang clang. Yeah, like the leather straps and buckles explode off of it. Does anything happen to Ving?

He's strapped into the armor. I feel like it should. Right? I feel like that armor will die. Oh, cool. I like that. I like that. So you feel like plates around the armor like begin to fall away like you're you and you can breathe a little freer. Yeah, and you feel the like urge to command. To tell pigs what to do. Leave your body. Tell me what to tell them to do and the helmet feels different. Yeah, it's loose like it's I'm getting really constricted.

Yeah, you kind of like you put your hands on the other side and you can just slide it up over your head. Removes the helmet. There's like on the inside when you look in there's like shit loads of like magic inscriptions and like what looks like circuitry. Oh, yeah, from the golden age. Yeah, pressed into his head. Yeah, I like that and his face is kind of reflecting that like almost like like like temporary scars. Oh, he's got circuitry burned into his face.

Oh, that means razor tusk has that too. Yeah. Yeah, whole body razor tusk. You can see like through the the bristly fur as he like lays there unburdened by his quest for a moment. He's breathing deep and burned into his fur. You can see scars that look like circuitry all over his body. Vink goes over and gently rolls him in the cooling mud to get him into the sty, which is like his goal that he's always wanted to do and just to soothe those those burns now that he's released from the armor.

He huffs out a big breath and sinks lower into the mud scratches belly. He kicks his little leg a little bit. I would rest a while. You've earned it. He just goes to sleep. What are the other pigs do the other pigs the crows like kind of stop fighting as they realize the pigs are like now reacting instead of acting. Okay. Oh, yeah, they're like backing away and like trying to escape and then the crows stop and the pigs scatter and then the crows start cheering like crazy.

And they're like hugging each other and screaming and just elated at their victory. You hear the pigs go. This sucks boys. Let's get the fuck out of here. What the fuck's going on? You guys remember how we got here? I just wanted to be clear to all the listeners at home. We did not want to do this. I fell asleep on the L and I woke up here. We're all from New Jersey. Trying to go to Coney Island to meet my buddy and now I'm here. I meant to propose to my girl on the Ferris wheel. Apollonia.

Apollonia. I'm coming back baby. I'm coming baby. And the pigs, some of them run, some of them walk, some of them lay where they are. Casualties of an unfair war. Halflings lay among them. A number were lost. We gotta check on Wild Bill. Yeah, Wild Bill is in the fray, right? Yeah, is he okay? He's not doing great. Oh shit. You find Wild Bill, he's leaned against one of the outhouses on the edge of Lone Tree Hill and he's bleeding quite a lot from his side. He's got a tusk.

Like it's like a gut wound? Like a snap dot. You see he's like got his pipe in his mouth and he's like struggling to light a match. Ving steadies his head. He's got his hands. He lights it. Boy. There was some war. Puff, puff. Cough, cough. There's a little blood comes out. Oh my god. We gotta get you somewhere. Ving, can you fix this? I mean I can apply a poultice if he can lie still. The thing is a poultice takes time to work and looking at Bill you don't think he has time.

Like how fast is he fading? How fast are you fading, Bill? Yeah. He is fucked up. Is there any way I could use Fairy Child to heal him? Do you have any Fairy Child left? Fuck. No I don't. How close to morning is it? Oh good question. Because it was night time when we started the fight. Yeah. I guess it's a few hours. Because the fight didn't last like you know multiple hours. I feel like Billy is desperate enough that he thinks he could do something. Mm-hmm.

Is it like a luck roll to see if he likes it? If he lasts till morning? I guess so. Does he have Fairy Child can actually heal him? Maybe it's a flat 2d6 like a last breath roll. Oh you roll last breath on his behalf? Is it? How do you feel about that? What does that do? So with last breath you roll. Just straight. Nothing. Death doesn't care how tough or cool you are. On a 10 plus you've cheated death. You're in a bad spot but you're still alive.

On a 7 to 9 death himself will offer you a bargain. Take it. Take it. Take it and stabilize or refuse and pass beyond the black gates into whatever fate awaits you. On a 6 or less your fate is sealed. Okay. Okay. Let's see what happens. 2d6 flat. 4. Okay. Billy is like panicking and he's like digging through Ving's pockets for more poultices and he's you know looking at the sky wondering like well when is the sun gonna come up like I could do something. Billy the poultice takes a while.

Yeah but what if the sun comes up? The sun yeah the sun will be up in four hours. But like what if it comes up faster? The sun comes up when the sun comes up. I'm sorry. But Bill what if you like hang on a little longer? You got me pretty deep Billy. But you survive everything. He like smiles. Not this time. I made sure you do. Bill sees you like looking at him and trying to like figure out something you can do and he like reaches out a hand. Okay. Change is natural.

And he looks to the lightning sky far away. River's turning for me now. I'm headed up the sunwise way. And he looks at you. Says I'll see you next time around. No Bill you know just keep breathing because the sun's almost up and I I think you'll be fine. You just have to hold on a little bit longer. You sit with Bill. The Everwood is silent and peaceful for the first time. The first time in a long time. And Bill's holding your hand. And Billy you can feel the fairy like rising in you.

And the power growing. And the first beams of day climb over the hill. And as the light touches his still form. Bill? Bill is gone. Bill?!

Sleep time my little baby Sleep time sweet little baby Yeah Step gently on the flowers and greens Let the water carry you to sleep Time to sleep my little baby Time to sleep sweet little baby The river runs deep But it's blue as can be Let the water carry you to sleep Rest your head my little baby Rest your head sweet little baby You might wake among the forest and the trees Let the turning river carry you to me Let the turning river carry you to me There's a rainbow coming up Dream, dream my little baby Dream, dream sweet little baby You won't get lost In the summer or the frost The river will always guide you home to me The river will always guide you home to me