Episode 6 – It Was a Racist Horse

Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes, noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers have health, he shifts his shape, and wields a spear with great might Billy's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends, and listen close For the tale's about to start Hello everybody and welcome to Spout Lore!

I'm your Game Master Sean O'Hara, joining me as always, playing Tacoma Dome the Barbarian Abdul Aziz Hello everybody! Playing Ving the Half-Elf Druid Paul Oppers Good day! And playing Fat Billy the Halfling Thief Jessica Tai Hello everyone! When last we left our heroes, they found themselves at the very front door of the place they've been wondering about for years And also our listeners have been asking about for years Hither and yon Right!

That's what we did you last time That is what we did Good memory After goading Morris to enter the bar first Out of fear that it was some sort of trap and also a fear that his friend didn't want to see him According to Tuck The party was soon accosted by a terrified Francis the Woolly Pig Afraid that there was some sort of ambush taking place The kerfuffle drawing down the staircase Long lost companion, Mears Falsmith, now seemingly Around 18 years old In his late teens Filled out quite a bit Quite tall Little bit of a beard Modified mechanical iron hand And the barkeeper of Hither and Yon So sick There was a nice little catch up As the party shared some drinks and food And filled in Mears on their adventures as he filled them in on his The party discussed with Mears what they were to do next The bar arriving as they themselves were at an impasse To the deck below The skiff of Chimes So sick The patron of sailors Chimes arrived completely nude Except for a breechcloth And sat at the bar as the party just hammered him with questions Like their dad just got home from work and they were wondering what's for dinner Like our dad just got home from war Like this I wonder what's for dinner Yeah And then we learned a number of things Chimes made a deal with Mother Never Was The deal was to learn the secrets of runic magic which he uses in his tattoos And ever since that deal was made He has been making himself increasingly immortal Because the deal comes due once Chimes dies And Mother Never Was receives the power that Chimes has bestowed upon himself Cool And that power he used to From what he says temporarily make him The god of the sea In his fight with the gibbous man Millennia ago to free Lillian So cool So sick That power we can assume was transferred to the sea Turning it into the sea of graves Which means that the sea is now the god of the sea It is a god sea That's kinda cool That is cool We also learned that Mother Never Was Is in some fashion the god of things that never were She is every choice that was never made The uncreated And that is the power of Mother Never Was And that is why the gibbous man fears her so Ving also looking inside at the trove of druidic knowledge Discovered that the gibbous man and Mother Never Was Made a plan themsel- or made a deal themselves Long long ago Which led to the creation of the night sky The stars their contract And the moon their offspring Which that actually implies that the entirety of the iconic realm Is the contract between the gibbous man and Mother Never Was Potentially Yeah!

Depending on the true connections between the night sky and the iconic realm Right because it was the giants who thought that the Yes The stars were the icons Yes and whether or not that is true or a cultural interpretation from the giants Has yet to be proven Uh after all of this Perel woke from a sleepy stew induced coma in front of the fireplace at Hither and Yon And asked where the fanny pack was Uh so everybody rushed to the door to see if they could get it back Closed the door and opened it again Seeing before them a war The forces of the firefields And the forces of the riverways and the high spear Including at the head of the high uh firefields forces Colm Blackhammer with his black bladed sword Oh my gosh That is where we find our heroes now Hither and Yon has apparently decided that this is where you have to go now Um can I discern realities?

Yes absolutely I wanted to do this quickly 2d6 plus yeah quick is the key here 10 10 so 3 questions What is about to happen? Uh what is about to happen is uh Billy you shockingly as the littlest boy in the room Are also the most experienced at war Oh yeah Yeah many of your lifetimes have been spent in battle And even just your ancient warrior instincts scanning this battle before you You know that the high spear and riverways forces are going to be overwhelmed Oh no Mmm!

Who's really in control here?

You see Colm Blackhammer in the distance I should say he is quite far away Like you'd have to get through some serious shit to even get close to him You can see there's a cluster of the red banners around this giant figure Oh yeah The red banners with the black hammer and he is swinging this sword back and forth And you see the glint of the blade and you know at this point in your adventuring life That blade is made of obsidian And he is fighting with a fury that seems unbecoming And you see the coming of such an experienced warrior which makes you think he must be under some sort of Oh my god Influence Uh what here is useful or valuable to me?

Uh what here is useful or valuable I think like you peek your head out the door a little bit And you see that you've come out of what appears to be a nearly ruined outhouse Like above the jam of the door carved into the wood You see hither and yon like carved into the wood of this outhouse But this is the door that the bar has chosen Wow Yeah and it's ruined for a couple of reasons One because it's in the middle of a war and the other because they had chili last night So you opening this door and realizing the inside of the outhouse is gone You wonder where all that poo poo and pee pee went Oh the poo poo and pee pee is all around us Okay I would like to roll discern realities to figure out where the poo poo and pee pee went The rest of that the rest of the answer that I was about to give Uh huh Unless you don't want any more information I literally do No we want to do poo poo and pee pee Can I roll call editor?

We're all rolling for poo poo and pee pee now Shut up Everyone we're going to do it now We're going to hear about the poo poo and pee pee now Uh what you realize Billy is that the battle is raging to the point where no one has noticed a little boy poking his head out of a destroyed outhouse But the poo and the pee Oh you don't want to know more of what I was going to say You want to know more about the poo and the pee I want to know that and Yeah so it seems like when hither and yon appeared here and you opened the door The poo poo and pee pee was actually forced out of the outhouse So in front of you for about five meters in every direction Is a thick layer of human blood And it went out It went out It usually you would assume that space would just be shunted somewhere else temporarily in the metaphysical realm Yeah While hither and yon took its place but not today Today it was the density the absolute mass of the human excrement that was present in this place Uh huh Altered the laws of thaumaturgy Okay and Such that it became a canon Okay Sean The ammo of which We did ask for this Was the detritus of the Detritus of a chilly dinner And there was a guy who was walking to the bathroom He's dead Oh my He was killed He was dead When a four foot long cylinder of solidified human shit Yeah Caved in his chest He was a bad guy though Okay Yeah He was a bad guy There's no dead man covered in shit here There's a dead guy covered in shit There's a dead guy He's a bad guy so it's okay He was a bad guy He was a really bad guy We cut He was a middle manager Yeah We cut to twenty minutes before when he was really giving it to like one of his underlings Yeah he's like you little piece of shit I'm the boss and I'm taking out my past traumas on you Yeah Now I gotta go take a shit I know past traumas now we have sympathy for this guy Oh no No cause I had every opportunity to work on them and I refused He had benefits I would have covered therapy I had so many I would have gotten paid to go to therapy Oh man I used my benefits for racist tattoos And he pulls up his chest and says I hate elves I hate these things They're so racist And then so they didn't notice Billy Yes so what the actual answer to this question was gonna be was that you have a moment to think about this No one has noticed that you guys are here yet Okay You don't have to rush headlong into the battle if you don't want to You don't have so much time that you can be like hello But if you like close the door the door would be closed And you could either leave or you could plan or whatever Tucker runs into the battle You serious Okay great cool So when he does that what is he thinking about Uh he's tugging on the sweater that he's wearing cause it's still clean Yeah yeah that doesn't answer my question very well though So what is he thinking about when he's like What is he thinking about when he leaves to enter this high stakes situation Oh that he's just like he sees the like that the Riverways is about to get totally fucked He's sprinting He's like heeeeee He sees people in the Riverways principality People wearing like the reed capes that Alec he wore And then he flashes back He has a flashback Her boobs that barely move under her grass shirt Oh my god was that a description Yeah I don't know That's kind of how I imagined it That was Jessica's description of her boobs Yeah I don't imagine them like huge they're like modest boobs But Tuck loves them Well I love them Uh huh And I go I flashback to me yelling at her through her window Yeah totally And I flashback to like when she was being attacked by that crocodile And then he grips his axe so tight and he goes Not again And then you hear a voice going That old guy That he He runs with Alright boys this is it I don't plan on Oh Staten Walden I know the other guy Oh yeah You shut the fuck up what are you doing It's a movie And then they end up being friends Alright guys He's like I feel like I've made a true friend tonight He's like giving them a war speech you know You hear a voice Yeah On the distant battlefield Alright boys Everybody line up Archers in the back Guys with sharp stuff in the front I'm gonna go I'm gonna go I'm gonna go I'm gonna go I'm gonna go I'm gonna go I'm gonna go I'm gonna go I'm gonna go I'm gonna go I'm gonna go Sharp stuff in the front Oh no Sharp guys forward They're so fucked Oh no They're so fucked They're so fucked Don't forget your reed skirts Underneath those capes Not much We can't let them know that And then Tuck Yeah Tuck He hears the voice And he comes back from his flashback And he goes Ella Key's roommate That guy That guy whose name I never got My new friend The stakes have never been higher Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun Running to her roommate Running Yeah to the tune of War Picks Yeah totally So Tuck yeah you start charging towards the Riverways Irregulars Yes And as he's running he goes Ella Key His roommate Yeah and then he says the last part really quiet Ella Key His roommate And as so yeah Tuck starts running across the field Billy and Ving what do you do?

I chase after him Oh Billy is so mad I don't wanna do this Is there any weapons in the Hither and Yon? Is there anything?

I grab some steak knives Oh yeah Yeah Yeah so Billy grabs a bunch of steak knives And as you're running out the door You hear mirrors go close the door And the door closes and then it like it slams And then like creak Oh and it's disgusting Yeah the door creaks back open and there is an outhouse there And there's a man in there And another dead guy Oh shit Crushed full of shit Oh god Maybe he's alive and he's like oh Yeah he's like Where was I? Where was I?

I was in hell I was in hell Where was I? Where was I? He chokes up one final mouthful of human shit And then he dies Oh my god You all did this to me Yeah And then as he dies he tries to give himself one more racist tattoo And he let everybody know how much I hated orcs To be clear I am a bad person It's every enemy that dies Every time this show has to be like I'm a bad guy So you don't feel bad about killing them I'm obviously a bad guy I'm in the wrong Did Morris and Perl come with us?

No Are you fucking kidding me? Absolutely not Shit They're God damn wizards We could have used them. Are you kidding me? There's no way they entered a battlefield. When Billy turned around to look, they were behind the bar, like, peeking over. They were the ones that were closing the door. Billy reached back to close the door, and it slammed in his face. Whoa. On a child. And Morris and Perel are, we cut into the hither and yon, and Morris and Perel are just like, they have their room keys.

They have their room keys. They'll be fine. They have their room keys. When are they ever not fine? Yeah, what are we going to do? A couple old thaumaturgists? Yeah. And Mears is like, he's like a warrior with a metal hand and all battle clad. Oh, yeah. And he's like, what? You didn't close the door. You closed the door. You closed the door? I said, don't close the door. I didn't get my stuff. Sorry, we just heard close the door. Oh, man. They're fucked. Mears was going to help us.

That would have been so cool, seeing him in his new, like, fight style. Maybe next time. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, this is catching swords. You guys aren't ending the war storyline this episode. I promise you. You don't think so? Because Tuck's going to really try. Oh, I know. Oh, my God. That's why both brothers aren't in the same place at the same time. Oh, smart. What time is it? Very child. I wanted to roll four seasons. Oh, do it. For sure. Four form, Billy. Yeah. Okay, so four seasons.

Remember, you just roll a D4. Oh, I just roll a D4. And then it chooses, the number determines the season. Oh, shit. Yeah. Number four is winter. Let's hope for it. I get four. Number four. Come on. Winter. Four. That's a four. Oh. Yes. Four for war. Four for war. Four for war. Four for war. Four for war. Four for war. Four for war. And I love that it is still tiny little fat Billy. Yeah, so. But now he is entering a winter form.

The winter form is just when I deal damage, I deal an additional D6. Holy shit. Does Billy look different? I don't think so. Well, what do you think? I think he frosts over a bit. Sweet. I like it. And the other thing is that. Counting's changes. Yeah. He is in the winter season, so the way he acts is different. Yeah, he's shiftier. Yeah. What is Billy thinking? He sees this battle unfolding before him. He starts thinking that Tuck and Ving acted rashly. Oh. And he's like, idiots. Oh, yeah.

This isn't just fun. Yeah. Yeah. Well, cool, because he's thinking with his war brain. Yeah. Because you get more tactical. Yeah, this is not tactically prudent. Yeah. Oh, I imagine he's got a steak knife in his little hand, and his hands flex on the handle and ice his hand. Yeah. Yeah. And he starts creeping down the blades. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Is this the end of the day? I'd like to use what the bones know to roll a D6 at the end of the day. The end of the day would have.

Oh, man, it's probably really weird in Hither and Yon. I think that stuff happens faster than you think. So, yeah, you could get the end of the day thing. And can I roll Fairy Child as well? Yep. You both could. What I'm saying is that you both get your thing. Oh, sorry. Sick. The way time works in Hither and Yon. Okay, great. Yep. So, it's 2D6 plus charisma for Fairy Child. And what the bones know, I think, is you just roll a D6. 1D6. I got a 1. Okay. Incredible.

Okay, so you get to hold a 1 for whenever you want to use a 1. I got a 8, so I have 3 hold for Fairy Child. Okay, cool. Can he give it to someone else and, like, fuck up their roll like an NPC? Potentially. Yeah. But I think right now he just gets a 1 that he can use whenever he wants. I'll just put that over there. But for now, basically, Ving gets the overwhelming sense that something is not going to go as well as he thinks it will later on. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, my old sense. Oh, self-doubt.

My old friend. Okay, so Billy's got 3 Fairy Hold. Fuck yeah. Wow. Ving is getting a bad feeling about this fight. Uh-huh. Oh, no. And you are charging towards the battle. Yeah. And you hear the guy yelling, All right, sharp boys! Get ready! Tuck's running straight for that group of people because he's like, they're going to die. He assumes that they're all the people he knew from Bull Rush, so he needs to protect them. Uh-huh. And he comes running.

He comes running up from behind them and jumps and clears the entire battalion and lands in front of them. Uh-huh. Yeah. All right. 26 plus strength, I guess. You're trying to leap over like 30 people. Yeah. And I'm going to lead them when I land. Okay. I only rolled a five, but I got eight. Eight. So seven to nine. Yeah. You clear this group of people. You just jump real hard. And as I'm jumping, I go to the beautiful. Beautiful. Ah, look at me.

And you splash down in the mud in front of them, a thunderous crash as your body hits the ground. Yeah. And then what do you do? And then I go, I'm your leader now, nerds. And then you. And then I lead them to war, I guess. Yeah. So you start running forward. Do you want to be nerds forever? Yeah. And a few of them get so caught, like they get so caught up in you making this huge gesture, that they start following you. They all cheer and they run forward.

And then you realize that none of the other Riverways forces have quite mobilized yet. And you've just led a charge early. Oh, no. No. No. That's very dangerous. Sean, no. You have an opportunity to stop this. I don't. Wait, can I roll a war cry into that as well? Because it was entering a battle with a show of force. It's like the most literal. Yeah, you're just. Yeah, you're entering a battle. Okay. Okay. Roll plus charisma.

So the thing that I will say is that if you are rolling this, this means that you are entering the battle. Yes. There is no time to waste. No time to think. You're running into the fight. I'm running into the fight. Okay. I got a seven. Okay. Yeah. Seven to nine on a war cry is what? I get to choose one. Your allies are rallying. Take plus one forward. Your enemies feel fear and act accordingly. So I guess I do the allies. I want to give these guys the best chance. Yeah. So what is your war cry?

When you hit the ground? Can I make it that I jumped like 40 guys? Yeah. Yeah. And then he goes, I'm your leader now, nerds. And if you know where Alec is, and then he makes the axe glow like the amethyst crystal goes. It's like so bright. Yeah. Yeah. And he goes, tell her I'm around. He starts running into the battle. Pretty cool. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Your allies are rallied and take plus one forward means that you start rushing forward with these militia men and you see like down the line, a growing cheer and like yell as the rest of the Riverways and High Spear forces in this battle. Several hundred people take this as the signal to charge and they seem elated as they rush forward towards the Firefield's forces. Sick. Billy and Ving, you see Tuck has leapt to the forefront of this battle. And begun a charge with nary a thought in his head.

What do you do? I think I like, I joined Tuck by his side. Nice. Because Billy is just going to cut down as many people as he can. Okay, great. So Billy has joined the charge. Ving's got in on the other side, and I'm going to roll fight with honor. Oh, sick. Yeah, totally. Go ahead. That's so rad. 2d6 plus constitution. I got nine. Nine. That's great. That's what? Three chi, two chi or something like that? Two chi. Two. You can hold on to two, no problem.

What do we think the scale of this battle is? I think it's a few hundred people total. I don't think it's huge. Yeah. It seems like maybe a smaller battle in the greater war. Skirmish. The Black Hammer is here for some reason. He insists on being at every battle, no matter how small. Yeah, however many he can get to. But what were you going to ask? I was going to ask if there's a mech in this one. I think there's one. Okay. Yeah, there's one of the war machines. It's like 15 feet tall.

It's just like iron pistons. Steam, like a coal burning engine on the back. You see Firefield's mechanics with their big welder's goggles and wrenches and other, it looks like pneumatic rivet guns working on it as you guys are getting ready to charge. And then on the other side, maybe they're defending an important ridge that gives them the high ground. Oh, maybe there's something they're fighting over. It's not just a fight for no reason. Yeah. This is the only toilet for miles. Man!

We're here today to defend the very foundation of the war effort. The one working toilet. No longer will the men and women of the riverways shit in holes. We'll shit in a hole with a wall around it. Never more shall your turds pass your children down the river into the future. We'll shit in the beaches. We'll shit in the streets. Yeah. So they're fighting over some sort of, like, it's like a ridge or like a, like maybe a bridge. Yes. Like the bridge that crosses a river near here. Yeah.

And it crosses like the river into like the High Spirit Principality proper. Oh, we're on like the edge of the border of the High Spirit Principality. I like that. Yeah. And also the shitter. And there's a shitter here. The shitter's in the toll kiosk that's next to the bridge. It's like a… The bridge tolls. It's like one of those… It's one of those, like, national park toilets. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Come see our bridge and shit in our toilet. Yeah. Welcome to the Riverways Principality.

They're not doing well. Yeah. Financially, culturally, everything. Riverways having a bad time. Yeah. Mudlark might be one of the more financially successful villages. That's insane. It's because of the festival, man. Yeah. Okay. So you are now rushing towards the Firefield's forces. You see on the far side of the field, Colm Blackhammer. Red hair flying. It's wild. It's long. It's blowing in the wind. So sick. He's got a big black-bladed sword.

His cast iron armor seems to be mechanized in some way. Like, he's got a small steam engine burning on his back that moves like pistons in the arms and legs. Sick. Gives him probably a great amount of strength. Mm-hmm. So he's, like, got steam billowing around him as he moves, as he charges his forces forward. It's so fucking metal. I love it. That steam from his armor suit is… Yeah. Billowing around his neck. It's, like, making his hair all curly and frizzy. Yeah. Yeah.

It's fucking with his hair really bad. Yeah. That looks cool like fire. Yeah. It makes him look wild. Yeah. Yeah. That's so cool. And you are rushing towards the side because Tuck decided to point it out specifically with a war machine. A 15-foot tall combat steam bot of some kind. Oh, they're 15 feet? So they're the size of the mechs in The Matrix? Yeah. They're about that size. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's, like, two and a half people tall. So they're not gigantic. Mm-hmm. But they're big.

They're not Pacific Rim mechs. No. Absolutely not. They're more like The Matrix or Titanfall. Yeah. So this thing, like, you see the mechanics see you guys charging towards them, and they start really reefing on some bolts, and then they back up, and they start yelling at this thing. Oh. And it, like, stomps forward and starts stomping towards your line as you charge forward. What do you do? And where is Colm relative to this thing? At the other end, basically. Okay.

Commanding the forces on the other side of this fight. Okay. Yeah. Right now, it seems to be, like, a full-on infantry charge. People are just rushing from either side. Okay. Yeah. Cool. What do you do? I just want to kill this thing. Yeah, you can go for it. The mech or the Colm guy? Yes, both. Yes. Both of these things. And his mind is like, fuck, if Alec is here or if someone tells her how cool I look, I really have a shot this time. Okay. Tuck goes straight for the mech. Okay.

You're going to have to roll some sort of defy danger. To close the distance? Yeah, to close the distance safely, because this thing's got reach on you for sure. Can I do defy danger strength to, like, just run as hard as I can and barrel through whatever? Or is that constitution? It might be more like constitution to, like, take any hits that are coming. Okay. Here we go. Nine.

So you start getting, like, the war machine gets closer to you and, like, swings an arm, down, because it's got crazy reach on you. Right. And it is either going to hit you in a way that sends Larry, Terry, and Chad flying out of your hands, or you're going to take damage. Can I give you an aid to make that a 10? Yeah, you could aid. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You just got to let me know that you want to aid. You can aid him. Okay. Do it. Nice. Fuck yeah. 12. Okay. That makes it a 10. Hell yeah. So.

Bing does a slide out in front of him. He does, like, runs in front of Tuck and does, like, a slide. And sprays battle muck. Oh. And Tuck is able to, like, step on you as you slide in front of me and jump, which helps me clear. Yeah. We've done this move before, and it's so hot when it works. Oh, it's amazing. Alki saw for sure, or is going to know both. Draw this and show it to Alki. Yeah. Tuck's like, draw this. As Bing's like, yeah.

The drawing just has Bing's face looking all fucked up and weird from the beginning. From the effort. Like, his neck is big for shot putting her husband. I look so shitty in this drawing. What the fuck? Immediately after, it's a drawing of Bing going, oh, and holding his back. But yeah, you clear this, like, arm as it slams down, sending a shower of mud into the air. Fuck yeah. Tuck yells that. And then he buries TLC directly into the face of this mech. All right. Roll a hack and slash.

Judy, six plus strength. Is the man at the face, or is the face the mech? The mech is, seems like. I don't know what it looks like. It is unmanned. Okay, okay, sorry. But it is, there is no person you can see piloting this. It's like a mass of pistons and gears underneath, like, plates of metal. It's a walking train. Kind of, yeah. Yeah, think of it as, like, a train with arms and legs. Okay. Hack and slash. Oh, no. I'm rolling like fucking shit. You should choose some different dice, brother.

That's seven. I got seven. So that means you deal damage and it deals damage. Yes. Yeah. So go ahead and roll your damage. Fuck. This is going to be so bad because my rolls are goddamn dog shit. Fuck. You got six, though. Yeah, I rolled six. Six is, why are you so mad? Six is pretty good. Still mad from the last thing. And you do, like, chop into this thing's head zone, which is roughly head shaped. It's about the size of, like, a large pumpkin. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Oh, great. And the lens spins around and focuses on you and you hear like a and then a hand just grips your back. Oh no! Roll a d8. Six. So the same as I did. Great. So painful. I have three armor though. I don't like this. What? You have three armor. So you take eight damage. Holy shit. Why? Even with the armor? Because it hits damage as a d8 plus five. Holy shit.

I just pulled the closest looking monster out of the monster rules and it also has forceful. So it grabs you and you just feel these iron fingers crunch around you and then it pulls its arm back and it just whips you through the air. Oh my god. And you sail like 15, 20 feet and Tuck's like, nobody draw this! You get thrown over Ving over the closest rank of the Riverways Irregulars. Like you slam into the mud next to Billy basically. And just create this furrow. Oh my god.

He gets the wind knocked out of him. Oh my god. Tuck just slams into the ground next to you, Billy, like a meat meteor. What do you do? I go for the mech. Do it! Avenge me, my son! Can I borrow your axe? Yes! I take it and ice forms over my hand and onto the handle so that it's like stable. Sick! Oh and you lift Terry, Larry, and Chad? So cool! Yeah! So cool. It's so funny because he's so little and the axe is huge.

And when the ice forms over the axe the light that it's emitting turns blue, like ice blue. Awesome. Can I just hack and slash, I guess? Absolutely. Oh, you'll have to do a defy danger to get close enough to attack it because it does have reach. Plus sticks, dexterity? Dexterity works if you'd be like dodging and diving. Twelve. Holy shit. Holy shit. So Billy just like runs forward. The axe looks like it's weightless in his hands. I use the weight of it actually to propel me to dodge stuff.

Oh, I love that. You're throwing it and dodging yourself. That's cool. That's cool and also very funny because Billy's getting pulled around. He's like an oobie ball. He's getting pulled around like Buster Keaton. Yeah. That's so sick. But the arm's like slamming down and just missing you and then it'll do like a wide. It's like a swipe creating a furrow in the earth. That's so cool. And you're just thrown past it and now you're like close enough. It leans down.

It had to lean down to try and hit you. So it's chest and face is exposed to you. Yeah, so I use the leverage of the axe to like whip myself and it into its chest. Hell yeah. As hard as I can. Hack and slash. So 2d6 plus strength, which I know isn't Billy's strong suit. It's not. Two plus three. Gosh. Okay, so then with the plus one forward from war cry and the plus one forward from discern realities that actually makes it a seven.

Like maybe the axe just goes clang and then ice goes all over his chest. It shatters. That's sick. I give it one more nudge. Extra steam because he's steam powered. You throw some ice in there. That's really cool. So yeah, you slam the axe into like a gap in the chest plates in the armor and it just like looks at you like it didn't feel it at all. And then yeah, ice starts to climb over the metal work. Roll your damage. Plus an additional d6 six. Okay, not bad. Sick. Yeah, not bad.

So yeah, the ice begins to form over and shatters and you can hear like gears breaking inside your springs coming loose pieces fly out of the side of this thing and it reels back thing. You were on the ground after doing a cool baseball skid and throwing tuck and then seconds later saw tuck get thrown over your head. And then Billy threw him that way with Billy. Everybody's getting thrown around. So I throw my back up for nothing. So that was for nothing. Then my sciatic is back for nothing.

And then yeah, you see Billy fly over your head like a koosh ball and slam into this mech, which then ice is over and shatters and some springs go flying past your face. I got ice. What do you do? So I want to get in there with some ice moves. I think I can all the craziness. Of the fight, Vings runs up close to where the mech is and just like, you know, he used to have eye of the storm. We could calm everything around him, but he doesn't have that anymore. So he has to calm himself.

So he runs and sees that Billy uses ice in this thing and it's weak and then takes a moment for a big deep breath and blows some freezing cold air. Just like feels brings him back to the frozen north. Oh, cool. And blows like it has his hands in front of his face. Kind of like it was weird praying. Moment blows into his fists and coats them in frozen blue crackling ice and dives headfirst into where its face is and wants to destroy the other lens. What are you using here?

I want to use elemental form. Yep. When I create a form for myself from the elements, roll plus con. Okay. Yeah. So roll 2d6 plus con. Oh, come on. Six plus con is nine. Okay. So on a seven to nine, you have a plus one. Oh, I have a plus one. I have a plus one. So you have a plus one. So you create like ice begins to coat your body. Yeah. Creating sort of an elemental. And he starts running and it's like. Yeah. Cool. And then you dive towards the mech dealing your damage. Yeah.

I want to do a dive and then do a flip and then come in with my feet. Oh, which are now ice. Sick. As it like turns icy speeder human form into him with a d10. So sick. Yeah. And you're using one of your chi, which allows you to deal your damage. My damage. And also you would have to roll a defy danger to get into its reach. Okay. But you also have a chi fight with honor moves across any distance. So I use my both my chi. Yeah. Great. Okay. So you're using one sheet across distance to a foe.

Yes. Which allows you to dodge and weave. I get out of his reach and then I use my other chi to deal my damage. Beautiful to two. I'll switch it up for the one because fuck that one. So a two unfortunately two damage. It's two damage. Yeah. And that is you try and go for the same spot that Billy froze and shattered and the same like cleft in the head piece that tuck chopped. But you slam right into it feels like the thickest part of the chest armor as it moves in a very inhuman way.

Like it's got a really low squat and it like hustles back really quick. So you can't quite judge where the weak spots are going to be in the same way you would with a human and you slam right into the heaviest part of the armor and it feels like you just clang right off. But you still have your elemental form because you didn't spend any of those hold great. And you are continuing to sheath yourself in ice as this chest and leg armor forms out of the frozen moisture in the air.

Tuck you're picking yourself up out of the mud after getting baseballed across the field. Can I throw the axe back at him? You can definitely try. Oh my god be careful. 2d6. Be careful. 2d6 plus dexterity. 10 plus 2. Beautiful. Oh my god. Yes. Wow. So you use that fairy magic the winter form to spin in place a little bit like a hammer thrower. Yeah. Hammer throw. The ice cracks and the axe spins through the air towards Tuck. Yeah. And then like Tuck grabs it out of the air.

While still face first in the mud. Yeah. Thank you my boy. You avenged your daddy. And now I can die. And Tuck slams the axe into the ground and then uses it to like get back to his feet. Beautiful. Oh my god. And you see because you're now kind of behind the line. You're behind the fight. You see the Riverways Irregulars have spread out around the mech.

And it seems like they're kind of letting Billy and Ving handle it because they don't know what to do but they've got their pointy stuff out and the archers are like taking shots at it but the arrows are careening off the armor. There's other fighters here isn't there? Oh there are several other units and they are fighting other units. Yeah. And Tuck he yells to all of them. He's just like stop fighting the metal thing. Try and kill people. Get out of here. Kill a human person.

Actually okay so here's I've got a question for you guys. Yeah. Now that we are entering a part of the season where there will be battles that you do not have direct control over how do you want to handle this? Do you want me to just go by vibes in my head or when it comes time to decide how it's going do you want to do a flat roll? To like see how. Good these guys do. Yeah like flat 2d6 roll that may be able to be modified in the future depending on the war stuff. Uh huh.

But currently just like a flat 2d6 to see which side is doing better. Something to randomize the war? A little bit yeah. Would you prefer a flat roll? I think maybe and then I think it could be stuff like oh you took down the mech you get a plus one to that next flat roll. Uh huh. Because the battle's going a little bit better. Do we want them to be flat rolls or can it be like Tuck is using his charisma to try and like. This is for the battle. As a whole is my concern with that. Oh I see.

So it's not the effectiveness of Tuck instructing these guys. I'll have to think more about that side of things. Okay. Then it's yeah I would say just do a 2d6 if you want to create some randomness in it. Yeah. Who wants to roll a flat 2d6 to see how this battle is going? I think you gotta do this man. Oh that's so one place. Yeah. Okay give me I guess the blue ones are mine aren't they? Yes. They've been rolling like shit for me. So here you go. Watch this.

So am I rolling ostensibly for your side of things? Yes. Okay. So you roll for So a good roll means things are going well for you guys. Yes. That's what we. In our rush. Yeah. Okay. Rolling a flat check. Let's see. I don't roll dice for this game. It feels weird. It feels bad. What are you doing? Why are you doing this? So that's a 6. Can we take a plus 1 forward? Oh yeah! It's a 7! Okay so it's a 7 because they take a plus 1 forward because Warcry is for your allies. Fuck yes! That's so cool!

So I think not only did Tuck leading the charge early surprise the Firefield's forces and embolden the Riverways and Highspear forces, the Alliance. I'm just gonna start calling them the Alliance because it's easier. You three very unusual combatants taking on this mech by yourselves surprised and confused the Firefield's people because they were like who the fuck are those guys? So they were thrown off to the point where though they aren't they're not being overwhelmed anymore.

They're holding the line. They're still taking losses. They're still dealing out damage but they're not being pushed back like they were when you arrived. And we also killed one of their generals. Yeah. The guy with the shit? Yes. The guy who was a general. So there are some of the Firefield's guys that have no commander right now. Yeah. They're like where's Jeff? Where's racist Jeff? Where's racist tattooed Jeff? Where's Colonel Jeff? He just got promoted.

He was too weeks from retiring as a racist general. I guess that 401k is just gonna go to charity now. A charity of his choosing. His 401k. Evil charity. No, it's racist charity. Charity that gives racist tattoos to children. The Firefield's is a bad place. The only way we can feel good about this fight is making the Firefield's the worst. The worst place in the world. We made the pigs racist. We had to. We had to. Did you hear what they were saying? But the mech is still up.

But you know, Tuck, you get up and you look and you see that things are going okay right now. What do you do? Uh. Can I? I should finish the mech thing because it's my responsibility. I guess I started this. I shouldn't just. Sure did. His eyes are shifting down the line to like where Colm is. And you can see him being awesome. He's being so cool. You see he like full on like straight punches a guy in the chest and the guy goes flying backwards. That could have been me.

I could have been punched in the chest. And a bunch of like steam vents out of the arm of his armor. And then he grabs his sword and he cleaves through a foe. And then Tuck goes I gotta clean up my mess first. Does that mean? You came watching this guy fight? Yeah, he What? He just seemed twirling a sock and throwing it behind him. I'm so used to Abdul saying something like that. Sean. He rips off the snuggie that he's been wearing. He's like, that's why I probably fucked up.

He says that really loud. He's like, the snuggie was constricting me. It's too tight. I couldn't really, my skin couldn't breathe. He pulls off his pump cover and Tuck is looking absolutely swole. And all of the fighters on the fire field side go, whoa, that guy just hit a PR for sure. I don't understand this language. Don't worry about it. Just deep in the gym lifestyle right now. Alright, what do you do? What are you waiting for? Oh no!

When you cry out a challenge to your enemies roll plus con on a 10 plus they treat you as the most obvious threat to be dealt with and ignore your companion. Take plus two damage ongoing against them. And then on a seven to nine only a few are the weakest or most foolhardy among them fall prey to your taunting. So I'm trying to get the mech to ignore all the soft fleshy humans and attack just me. Alright, go ahead and roll it. God, I have to fucking roll better. God, be better at rolling.

Here we go. That was a good one. Fuck yeah! Plus two is eight plus three is eleven. Wow. Hell yeah. Hell yeah, brother. That's literally better. That is literally better. That's literally better. Literally better. How does Tuck get the attention of the mech? He, yeah, he's got to do some real piece of shit move. He walks to the outhouse, grabs the dead racist general and fucking throws it at the mech. Jesus Christ.

I just want to know, I just want you to know that this is canonizing the man that was killed by a solidified column of shit. Yeah, we already said it was. I'm so sorry, listeners. I thought that was going to get cut for sure. Yeah. Okay, then, yeah, so you just pick up a corpse and throw it quite a distance because you had to run a while to get here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you do a javelin or the hammer throw? No, neither.

He just like grabs it one-handed by the back of the shirt and just like whips it overhand. Like lacrosse. Yeah. Totally. And then it's like from the mech's perspective, it's like scanning the battlefield to try and find the biggest threat and then like a body just like careens through the air and hits it. Flops down into mud. And then as it slides off the lens, you see Tuck flipping two birds at him. Like the lens focuses on the middle. Focuses just on the middle fingers. And it goes.

Yeah, and it makes like a steam whistle noise. Like a whoo. And it like stomps through, like it kicks through the Riverway Irregulars and comes stomping through the mud towards you. Billy and Ving, this thing just bowls past you, but it is approaching Tuck at a rapid clip. Oh, man. Can I try and get its like little hind mechanical Achilles tendon? Yeah, you can certainly try as it's passing by. Okay. Its little cables?

Yeah, it's going to run through and try and get that weakest point of its heel. Yeah. Ving is using the ice in the water with the mud, creating like a solid mud. A concrete out of ice. And is this an elemental form thing? Because you still have those holds. I still have two holds. So I'm using one of the holds of my elemental form. I make a replica of the axe, a huge axe, and try and slice through his little pistons. Cool. So I think you would just spend the hold and deal your damage. Two. Fuck.

Fuck. You're like, now's my chance. And you form this ice axe. He runs and slams. He runs and slams. He runs and slams. He runs and slams. He runs and slams. He slides in his knees. He's going to slide, go by him, go down and do a cool Ving, like, schling. Yeah. But he just kind of falls on his knees and goes, stuck in the mud. And then you swing the ice axe, but you kind of fall forward a little bit and flail. And it just shatters against the leg armor.

I mean, does it at least dent the leg a bit? Not at all. No, it's too damaged. Yeah, it's got three armor. It's got three armor. Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me, Sean. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. You Mr. Three Armor. That's ridiculous. This is a hunk of metal. We're fighting a car. We're fighting a car, dude. Yeah, a steam car. Yeah, I would love to see you guys go outside and fight a car right now. Just watch me. I could punch a minivan. Yeah. If I had a full axe, I could fuck up a car. Yeah.

What if the car was trying to fuck you up? Dude, I've smashed into so many cars on my bike. I'm talking to the wrong guy. And they're always fucked up afterwards. That's not good. I'm definitely talking to the wrong guy for sure. Yeah. But yeah. That one guy, I had to write off his truck. That was a truck. Oh my God. So fucking funny. But yeah, your ice axe just shatters against the leg of this thing as it starts plodding towards Tuck. Yeah, great. Billy, what do you do?

I want to sprint and kind of hop onto its back. 2D6 plus dexterity. And I want to do that so I can dig my steak knives into its vulnerable cracks. Oh yeah, totally. That's sick. 10. 10. Okay. Billy is so small, so light, that it doesn't even notice you jump on its back. And then? Oh, and then yeah, you can hack and slash. Yeah. Seven. Okay. So you deal your damage and it deals its damage. Okay. Nine. Holy shit. Not bad. Not bad. Not bad. Yes.

Billy, you climb up this thing and as you get a closer look at like the gaps between the armor, there's just a mass of incomprehensible cogs and pistons and pulleys and fucking fan belts ripping away in here. It's kind of warm up in the back because you seem, it seems, it seems to be like where the steam chambers held. So like, even as your ice touches its back, it kind of melts along this back section.

But you climb up to the head and where you think most of the important stuff kind of connects, like the arms connect here, the head, the neck, the chest, and you just dig your knife in. Yeah. But I also want to start like wrenching it open as much as I can. Oh, yeah. You get into the guts of this thing just from this semi-safe spot, but like, you see this barb, beautiful, almost beating heart of gears and cogs and boiling water and like coursing steam. Morris would have such a boner at this.

And then in turn, Pharrell at that. There's a cascading boner happening in it. Boners everywhere. Oh my God, they've entered a boner cascade. Yucky. Run, Mears, run. Tubbs getting knocked off the table. I can't, I can't run. Because they're wizards. Shit's flying all over the place. They're like, you gotta get out of here. We're the most powerful winter rest. We're gonna shoot.

And yeah, you can, you stab right into this like chunk that you dig your way into and one spring shoots off and shatters a cog and that cog shatters more cogs and then this little canister, I say little, it's bigger than your body, but it is small compared to the body of the mech. Starts to shake and rumbles rattle and then it ruptures. Whoa. Roll a D8. Four. So you take nine damage. Oh no. Well Billy, remember plus five. Right. How much armor do you have? None. Oh no, Billy, no. It's okay.

How many hit points do you have? Twelve. Holy shit, Billy. And yeah, from where you're all standing, Tuck, this thing is like pounding towards you. Yeah. And then it like stops and its head spins around and you hear it start to whistle and steal. And then it fucking detonates. Whoa. Holy shit. And Billy, you see Billy like fly through the air. Billy. Trailing smoke and steam and then its torso like blooms like a flower. Whoa. Well like in the explosion, it's just rent outwards. Oh my God.

And it teeters and falls to the ground. Oh my God. Did we destroy it? It is destroyed. Oh good job, Billy. Good job everybody. As he's flying through the air, it's like, fuck yeah. And everyone in the Riverways is like, fuck yeah. Yeah. We did it. That's amazing. And thankfully, the Riverways guys were staying far enough away that the detonation doesn't. Oh, do I add a rule to these things where if you're close enough, you also have to roll? Yeah. I was at the feet or no?

Oh, you were, yeah, you were like a few. You were really close by. So Ving's got to roll defy danger in some fashion. Okay. I rolled a 10. Oh. You dodge out of the way. Like you protect yourself from this explosion. How? Just like, standing up a blast of frozen mud in front of me. Like a blast shield with a little slit so I can see it. I'm like, oh, watch where they go.

And then it cuts to the others, like the cross section of the mud and there's like a massive piece of metal sticking out right above the eye slit. But yeah, then the shrapnel coats the ground around you and the thing falls to the ground. And it seems like the fire field's forces are thrown into disarray. Yes. Slightly at this massive explosion. Mm-hmm. So, I'm going to roll these at a plus one because you destroyed the mech. Oh, sick. So sick. A 10.

So, they start pushing the fire field's forces back. Ooh. Oh, yeah. Watch out. They've got reeds. I think you hear like a roo, roo, roo. And like pounding down the hillside from the alliance side is like high spear cavalry. Oh, nice. And they crash into the infantry and it seems like they're getting pushed back. And, and Colm like punches a horse. Like he's like trying. What a bad guy. Yeah, he's a bad guy. It looks like he's trying to hold back the charge himself. That was also a bad horse.

I want to say that was a really bad horse. That horse was racist. Yeah. You got to wonder what side of the war are you really on? It was a conservative. It was a conservative. Oh. Yeah. Socially conservative, fiscally liberal. Yeah. Means he's racist and bad with money. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's the opposite of what it usually is. That's the worst thing you can be. So I think we are at a point where like you can see that Colm is trying to hold back this cavalry charge by himself.

But you can see that a couple of the firefields forces like break and start running. So the riverways are close to fighting off this. Like wars like this are not always a fight to the death. You know what I mean? Like when one side looks like they're going to lose, they usually run. So a good chunk of this force is bailing. So you've got the upper hand. Can I go for Colm now? You can certainly try. Okay.

Can I use my new move demonize where I can use the obsidian charge inside my chest to determine what demonic influence exists in the current field of battle? Hell yeah. Yeah. I get up to a high like I there's like a rock a rock and I climb it and I like look directly at Colm. Uh huh. And you see him like take the head off somebody. Yeah. And he turns with the swing and like stops and kind of poses.

You know, he like holds his sword like out to the side as the blood drips off and steam is venting out of him. And I can see I can read his lips and it goes somebody draw a vest. And his wild hair is like wreathing his head along with plumes of smoke from his armor. So you're going to roll demonize. Yes. So that's a 2d6 plus one. Wisdom. Here we go. Uh, yep. That's a five. So no. Oh no. Shit.

So you are one of the people that was just seen destroying with very small numbers quite a powerful war machine. Mm hmm. He makes eye contact with you and he looks around and he sees the way the battle's going and you can see him like grip his sword tighter and then stop and cock his head and listen and he's like and then grab a horse and hop on the horse and ride away. No, you fuck tuck chases. No way. Can I chase him? You're welcome to try and chase him. Yeah, I'm chasing him down. Yeah.

What am I rolling? If you're, if you're literally physically running after him. Yeah. Strength, I guess. Okay. Strength of a horse become me. God fucking damn it. So I rolled a five plus three is eight. Eight. So seven to nine, which means you like what you charge through the people. Yes. The remaining forces. You see him start racing away. Yeah. You're like, fuck no. And you jump over. Yes. From your high vantage point slamming into the ground. Yes. Running. He's getting distance on you. Fuck.

But you're in chase. Ving and Billy, you see tuck run off chasing what appears to be Colm Blackhammer on a horse. Oh, do we follow him? Yes. You want to ride? Yes. Ving says as he takes all the iron, which is an element from the deformed mech, Oh. To make Cool. Like your own suit? A suit, a falcon suit. Whoa. An iron falcon. Whoa. To rise Billy up and send War Billy down on the Colm. Cool. So this is elemental form. Elemental form. Yeah. So 2d6 plus Con. Con. 11. Great.

So like iron plates start flying off of the Ving jumps and it's just like peels off like when the pieces attach from like the little chunks of Iron Man just like Yeah. Ting ting ting ting ting ting. Nice. That's so sick. And he's like starts falling and then Whoa. Flap. Flap. Flap. With like a little cockpit for Billy. Billy's riding on Tuck. He's like he has like take some of the lens and make these little puts little goggles on him. So fun. Red leader. Red leader.

I'm closing in on Tuck right now. There's not enough of them. I took the shirt of the dead guy and made him a little scarf. A little red scarf flapping in the wind. It's like Snoopy. So you it's like Snoopy versus the Red Baron. Yeah. So you take off into the air leaving the battle behind and you see sort of the landscape spread out before you. You see a camp in the far distance rows and rows of tents. Oh shit. A city far on the coast. Like you see a battlefield. Like this is a war zone. Mm-hmm.

Battles happening far off kilometers away in different parts of the principality. And you see Colm Blackhammer racing away on a bloodied horse Tuck just running as fast as he can after him. Ripping through the battlefield like anytime so anyone comes close I just like smash them out of the way. Pretty sick. So do you help Tuck or are you trying to stop Colm? I want to stop the horse. Okay. Great. So spend one of the hold to like catch up to him. Totally. Yep.

And then spend one of the hold to like swing down and like reach for the horse. This is a bad horse, right? It's a bad horse. It's a bad horse. It's a horse. Oh man. You can hear the horse going I'm just doing my job. Oh no. I love law and order and I think that I am the one that is empowered to enforce it. He's using the power of bureaucracy to do the wrong thing. We gotta find a way to get past this. We will. Ving swoops down and slams down in the ground right in front of the horse. Oh yeah.

Bam. Like a falcon doing a superhero landing. And you're trying to stop him? Yeah. So defy danger strength I guess to do that. Just stop the charge. Great. That's a five plus a two. So five plus two is seven. Seven to nine. Oh yeah. Perfect. I want to use dexterity to throw Billy at the guy as I'm crashing him. 2d6 plus dexterity. Seven. Okay. So yeah. This is two seven to nines that we're doing here.

So you throw Billy at Colm as you land on the ground and you see like Colm sees you hit the ground. He pushes off of the horse. Whoa. The horse like shoots out from underneath him. Whoa. And he crashes into you. Whoa. Your falcon form like shatters around you as you get hit by a car. And the horse goes tumbling off to the side of the road and Billy is flying towards Colm and Billy you just see him extend a hand and palm you like a basketball. Fuck. Asshole. What do you do?

I'm going to freeze around him and try to cut his tendons. Whoa. Nice. Am I able to use I'm a bad guy now? If you remind me what the move is. So I mean it it says I would call upon my winter form to fight in a flurry. I'd roll plus wisdom. I'm already in my winter form though. Yeah. I think it still works. Can you keep reading it? Yeah. So zero to six I would have one hold but I'm forced into the winter form until the next sunrise. Seven to nine I get two hold.

Ten plus is a three hold and the options are to terrify an enemy deal damage to an enemy within reach freeze someone or something in place. Damn. I think you can use this. Yeah. Could I? You're just double winter right now. Yeah. That's sick. When you use this and your winter form you're like monstrously destructive. Yeah. 2d6 plus wisdom to try and really tap into the winter fairy. Yeah. It's been a while. Eight. Okay. So I'd have two hold. Yeah. Can I freeze him in place and deal damage?

Absolutely. Okay. Fuck yes. So you like he's just what coated in ice. Yeah. And you can see like the armor is becoming brittle under the ice that's freezing his arm and climbing down and it's slowing down because the steam is condensing shutting down the suit that seemed to be mechanized. Yeah. It's like you can see that thing where like the plates are like settling a little bit as the armor stops. It's like assisted movement. Basically, it's shutting down around him.

Oh, that's so that would be so scary to be in a suit of armor like that that just shuts down. And then, yeah, you roll your damage which is 2d6. Eight. And I do. I do want to cut his tendons or arm or whatever I can reach. Oh, like blades of ice are like working their way into the armor. That's cool. Yeah. Growing like icicles like yeah. He's coated in ice and this ice digs into his body and he grimaces in pain. Yeah.

And then he like, you know, coughs up a little bit of blood as he is wounded and then the ice shatters and he like throws Billy to the ground and backs off the road that he was riding the horse down and draws his sword. Is he running away or is he going to fight us? He's backing up like because Billy's the only one that's like Ving got hit by a horse. Tuck is still catching up. I deflected a horse on purpose. That was a big horse too. That was a big, it was a Clydesdale. It was a huge horse.

It was for sure a huge horse. It was a huge horse. It had to be Clydesdale. I fucked Clyde right up. Yeah. He fucking threw a horse at you. Yeah. That's crazy. Great. Okay. So then he's, he backs up. He's got a sword out to the side. This glittering obsidian blade in his hand. You can hear his armor is like chunk, chunk, like it's trying to roll over and like. Charge up again? Exactly. It's trying to, like he's hitting something on his side. To try and start it again?

To try and get his armor started. Okay. And he's like, how about the ferry? Whoa. Holy shit. How does he know? Well, it's a little boy coated in ice. I guess he would believe. And also, you would, you would assume Billy, you would be like, he knows something. And he's got his blade out and I'm holding my arm out because it feels cool. But he's like crouching low and he sees Ving collecting himself and he sees Tuck come thumping down the road. Yeah. Am I there yet? You'll be there soon.

You see Colm squaring up with Billy. Yeah. I would hit the gas if I saw a guy with a fucking knife about to swing at like unprotected Billy who Tuck knows has only 12 hit points. Yeah. Yeah. Can I, can I try to vanish from sight? Oh, I couldn't move unseen. That's terrifying. Oh, that's really cool. Yeah. That is so fucking rad. I want to do that. Oh, that's spooky. He's like, how about the fairy? And then just gone. Yeah. Yeah. And he brings his sword in front of him.

I'm running as lightly as I can behind him. Okay. Defy danger dexterity to not make any noise. Five. I'll use another fairy child to turn this. Into a seven to nine. Yeah, totally. Okay. I think it is because you're definitely keeping his attention.

He brings the sword in front of him and you start creeping around and it's basically the thing like you step on a twig you didn't see and he immediately swings at where that sound is and you just dodge out of the way, but he turns and he knows where you are. Right. But Tuck, his back is to you now. Yeah. You're picking yourself up like shedding the pieces of metal that formed your body. I mean, I hit the horse on purpose. Yeah, totally. So, no, we all know that, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He landed in a falcon form and then shouldered the horse and exploded in metal falcon. So that's, yeah, that's your last. But he didn't know that it would hurt that bad. And his sciatic went out on the other side. Oh, no, you've thrown your back on both sides now. But Tuck, you are making your arrival. What do you do? I run straight into him full speed. Yeah. Like I hit him like a fucking train. From the front or from the back? 2d6 plus strength. Yeah, Tuck always hits him from the back. Yeah.

That is 6 plus 3 is 9. 9. I aid. Okay. How do you aid? Yeah, I rise out of the out of the muck with his with his limp horse beside me and say, um, I say, boo, boo. That's so funny. You rise out of the mud Is I'll cover the mud? Yeah. Boo. Ah. Eyes on me. You have your eyes closed so you can't see you because you blend into the mud and then you're like, now I'm over here. Now I'm over here. Great. I got 11. You're so mad. You're so mad about all of your roles today. You're so fucking mad.

Vink makes popcorn and watches the fight from here on in. And you, so you, you appear like he is watching where Billy is stepping and preparing for another strike. Yeah. And you emerge from the mud and a pile of broken metal. And he just looks up at you long enough to get absolutely hammered. Yeah. By a charging tuck. Yeah. Total bully move. Bam. Into the ground. Yeah. And then when he looks up at me, tuck slams the ax into the ground and he does the Henry Cavill, like, like arm reload. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Arm reload. Yeah. Yeah. Or he cocks his fists like shotguns. Yeah. And tuck cocks his fists like shotguns and he uses deathless. Oh. Yeah. Go ahead and read deathless again. When you enter a fight knowing your death won't come, roll plus wisdom on a hit your foes are dismayed and take plus one ongoing against them until the fight is over on a 10 plus your surety and your destination makes something about the now more clear. Ask a question from the discern realities list.

Excellent. So, yeah, tuck cocks his arms and then he goes, if you know who I am, you know, I'm not going to die here today. Oh, I'm not the one who's going to die. Yeah. And then he's like, get up. 11. Jesus Christ. Nice. All right. So you get it first. You get a question from the discern realities list. What here is not what it appears to be. Hmm. Hmm. And look into his eyes. Hmm. He's Allison. I would be, I would quit. Fucking podcast.

If that his red hair flattens against his shoulder, I would fucking quit the podcast. The bulky armor. Steps out of the bulky armor. A slender silhouette. Buxom breasts. If you canonize this, I will actually fucking kill you. Green scarf. It was flowing out there. Green scarf. Green scarf. She has a new scarf. A red scarf. I'm flying a new flag. The green scarf. Ascent upon the air. Yeah. Yeah. He's like getting up from the ground. Mm-hmm. It leaves his sword on the, in the mud.

And you can see his like armor is starting back up. It's starting to like, like chugging. Yeah. You do the Henry Cavill arm thing. Yeah. He does the Bucky Barnes like arm recalibrate where he like spins his shoulder and like realigns like pistons in his armor. Yeah. Cool. And he says like, your time hasn't come. You still have your power. You still have your heart to play in this war.

And then you feel like the coins in your chest, not burning, but you know, the feeling that you've cut, that you became familiar with, uh, under the heart tree. It's like tugging, but it's not tugging towards calm. It's tugging towards the sword. Oh, so being, you see tuck and calm squaring off, having their, their warriors, uh, like a pissing repartee. Yeah. He's like with popcorn. Yeah. Oh man, this fight's been fucking crazy. It's a bunch of pine cones. He found on the ground.

You start feeling your body. You're like, no, no damage. Fine. You haven't taken any damage. I haven't done shit. Are you kidding me? But in a, in a less, in a more, what is probably happening way, you're doing the thing that all of you always do, like repositioning yourselves. Yeah. You're like, how can I need to get to where I am the most helpful? I see, uh, uh, Tuck's eyes dark towards a sword. Yeah. And you know that Billy, he is invisible somewhere. Oh yeah. I can smell him.

And I didn't bathe before this war. Yeah. I didn't bathe. What am I supposed to do? In your life up to this war. Ever. Ever. I've never voluntarily bathed before this war. In living memory, I've never bathed. In living memory. Cause you delete the memory every time you do the least. I have a software update every couple of weeks. It just clears all the temporary files of bath memories. Yeah. You, you, you, you, you, you, eventually you liked them.

So yeah you see them You see Tuck's eyes dart toward the sword You smell Billy nearby What do you do?

I just want to circle around and be in striking distance of the sword Okay defy danger dexterity Eleven Whoa So light So light on your feet It's like you're moving the mud Oh yeah you're like manipulating the mud It's just like rolling Rolling the sword slowly towards you Just slow enough that like Colm's not noticing right now Because he's pretty focused on Tuck Tuck you see the sword start to move In the mud and you see Ving Repositioning himself behind Colm And to the side And Tuck maintains eye contact with Colm And he goes I think you're going to have to make me play my part Cool He lowers down and his armor like shifts around him And he goes So be it And he boom like jets forward And Tuck wants to give you You guys time to act So he takes the hit Okay 2d6 plus con Unbowed and bent and broken When you prepare yourself to endure some hardship Growl plus con on a hit You can either take half damage Or you can completely ignore one other I'll effect On a 10 plus you can also Defeat expose or frustrate your oppressor With your stubbornness Okay sick So I like I basically as he jets forward I let him hit me and then I bear hug the armor Yeah cool Oh no So 6 plus 3 Oh I have a plus 1 ongoing So 10 Yes Nice Fuck yes So on a 10 plus you get the first effect And the second effect Yes So you're either going to take half damage Or you're going to ignore one other effect I'll take half damage Okay so roll a d10 Holy shit Ouch 10 Fuck So alive And I have but I have 3 armor Yes Except the thing that I do not have is I have 3 armor I chose to represent calm Ignores armor Okay What Like he jets forward And this piston arm Just crushes into your chest Uh huh So you take half damage from this Punishing blow Yes And you know what I think it's like I think there's something about this armor That is ignoring your armor Okay Yeah And the other effect that you chose not to Ignore Is he sends you flying backwards Fuck no I wanted to bear hug him I know But you like It's not like you're tumbling through the armor Through the mud I think you're probably doing the cool Like you're sliding on your feet Yeah But he sends you back like 10 feet So it's like With this punch It's a standing slide Yeah Through the mud Yeah that's sick And he rush He keeps rushing at you Yeah But Billy and Ving Calm has been drawn away from the sword I roll forward and grab the sword What do I feel when I touch the sword?

Rage Cold animal rage Holy And Ving using that blind rage Rolls forward Loses his mind Leaps in the air And brings it down to cleave it in the top of his head Whoa Whoa Okay Uh Okay we're Yeah okay I just watched him punch Tuck Yeah totally Billy's like in Just right behind him Uh yeah Well you know what First off 2d6 plus wisdom Just even holding this thing To like resist Yeah Eight So Colm is closing the distance to Tuck And I think as you're running behind him And leaping into the air They're really close together As you bring this blade down Okay So 2d6 Yeah Plus strength to hack and slash Eleven Ooh So that is a Nice You get to deal your damage Yes And you have the option of putting yourself in danger To deal additional damage I will do that Okay Blind rage Oh fuck yes Yeah So that's an additional d6 damage I think It's your damage plus a d6 Okay I have a d6 damage Six Okay And you bring the blade down Tuck you're seeing this happen Ving has got a crazy look in his eyes He's wielding the blade down He's wielding this two-handed black bladed sword I bring it down like thrusting it down Into like the back of his neck Yeah totally You bury it into his body And you deal six damage It cleaves through pieces of his armor This blade cuts right through it Plates fall away And the blade is like sticking A couple feet like out of his body The handle's just jutting up into the air And blood is like bubbling up from the wound And he just turns to you Ving With like blood in his mouth Whoa And I've let go of the blade And there's like shock Almost And he looks you in the eye and he goes Now you'll begin to understand And then he just backhands you Roll a d10 Holy shit Six Okay yeah so you take six damage Ignoring armor Oof As you are slammed through the air as well And he's just got this sword sticking out of his torso That's fucking horrendous But now I guess he's just like Yeah He reaches up and he begins To blow his sword Pulling the blade out of his own body Billy what do you do?

You are invisible Temporarily safe Can I try to switch for that sword? Oh get it out of him and grab it? Yes What would you switch it with? Switch the axe with it Give him my weapon I'll switch the steak knife I'm holding That's very funny Is that okay? That is hilarious Do I have to roll for it?

I think the thing that you'll have to roll for Is the fact that Yeah you're holding one of your swords And you're looking at this sword That he just pulled out of his own body And you focus really hard And the steak knife Disappears from your hand And appears in his hand And he looks down at it like incredulously As this massive sword appears in your hands And you are filled with rage Be careful Billy 2d6 plus wisdom to resist the influence of this thing 6 plus 1 7 So partial success you're kind of far away I think you are Overcome with the urge to just charge this guy Yeah I think I'm gonna charge him with it Okay Defy danger to get close to him Dexterity I guess 10 Jesus Christ Yeah you zip across the ground Closing the distance to calm As he's looking at that knife And just like screams into the night It's night now I guess Or was it day when the thing started?

It's like it's a red night Like it's the It's a lot of smoke and stuff Yeah Oh yeah All the fires Are illuminating like a redness There's like The sky is like There's like red light cast on his face Yeah And he screams Somewhere a sailor's like Not bad Tomorrow's gonna be a good day That's what the Riverways assholes are saying They're like Oh pretty good Dead light for the evening here But yeah he turns and Like he's casting his eyes about And he sees Billy with the blade Just as you get to him What do you do?

Hack and slash 2d6 plus strength Yeah 3 Oh shit So Billy Billy fails The hack and slash And takes the damage Uh roll a d10 Oh shit How many do you have left?

12 12 Okay I won't die 10 Holy shit 10 Fuck Rough Fuck You're down to 2 dude Yeah I Oh man I think Wow So is it just like Billy swings the blade And he just Grips the blade The armor like Falls away from the gauntlet And it like Cuts into his hand And he pulls Billy up By the sword And just stabs you In the chest With a steak knife Oh my god Holy shit Tuck sees that And he's like Billy no And then he just Shakes Billy to the ground Yeah And he holds his arms wide I use a scrap of ass Most mystical move Yeah On a 10 plus On hack and slash I can check out the I can choose to forego Damage And get away Oh right I can choose to not deal damage And get away So I'm gonna try and attack him And then like Fight dirty So we can escape Because Billy is too hurt Uh huh Yeah Sick So 2d6 plus strength Okay It's gotta be a 10 plus Or it doesn't work This had better Fucking work Come on I swear to fucking god If it doesn't I'm gonna kill somebody Fuck That's Yeah I got an 11 Fuck 12 I got a 12 We all live Okay so how does This escape happen So as soon as he stabs Billy Tuck just goes No And he punches Into the engine In the back of the armor And then grabs whatever is in there And rips it out Oh yeah Yeah And it starts like rattling Yeah And puffing and shaking And he is not in control of his body Vink jumps at this moment While he's distracting and rattling Grabs Billy Takes Billy into his arms Yeah Tumbles away How do you escape?

Where do you go?

Well I Because I rip this piece Out of the armor And it just starts losing control Yeah I just like kick him So that he starts running In the other direction So he stumbles away from you Yeah It's not quite like a run Uh huh But he stumbles away from you Quite a few steps And hits the Like his knee hits the ground And he steadies himself But his armor is not His armor is locking around him And he turns over his shoulder Like rimmed Rimmed He's rimming Wreathed He's being rimmed By the red sun Finally a move I can do The red sun like Glowing through the smoke hazed skies Of the burning fire fields And he calls over his shoulder Your time will come I look forward to doing this again And he says And then he starts like laughing and coughing Yeah he's laughing maniacally And just packing up smoke and blood Whoa And you run off into the night And that's where we're gonna end it for this week I'm your game master Sean O'Hara Joining me as always Playing Tacoma Dome The Barbarian Abdul Aziz So long Playing Ving The Half-Elf Druid Paul Hoppers Take care Playing Fat Billy The Halfling Thief Jessica Tai Bye everyone Thank you to Aaron Reed For our intro and outro music You can find all of Aaron's original music At aaronreed.bandcamp.com And all the music produced for the show At Spotify Thank you to all of our Patreon supporters Around the world For supporting the show If you want to support the show And get access to The up-to-date feed of Mall Brats Uh Blades in the Dark game set in the High Spear Mall If you want access to postcards And merch drops Things like Maybe Jessica and I Make an illegal Domino's RPG Called 30 Minutes or Less Or you can read Zane's and Zane Brain Zane Yeah If you want to support us Sign up at the Monarch level It's pretty fucking good And you can even Play games run by Abdul or myself At the Wizard and or Piss Monster tier Guess which one's which Once I made a salve You made a salve at a gift bar Yeah I guess Yes And all that stuff is available And more At patreon.com Slash speltlord Or speltlord.com Slash money please Thank you Finally And most of all To all of you For listening We'll see you next time And so ends the tale of Adventures 3 Who tried their best They could never get through They can Though dumb and scared And lost they be For time's abreast In revelry And though our journey May be like A conclusion We will not leave you Without a resolution Return next week To hear some more Wild and scary As you commute Or do your chores And for you I gladly Speltlord