Episode 8 – The Test

Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes, noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers have health, he shifts his shape, and wields a spear with great might Peely's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends, and listen close For the tale's about to start Hello everybody and welcome to Spelt!

I'm your game master Sean O'Hara Joining me as always playing Fat Billy the Halfling Thief, Jessica Tai Hello Playing Ving the Half-Elf Druid, Paul Oppers Hello there Playing Tacoma Dome the Barbarian, Abdul Aziz Fuck you, yeah hi What? No fuck you, you said his name all weird and slow No no no, let me do that good Alright Hi There we go Can I get a second read?

Hello Hi Hello Hey, let's all do our favorite accents Howdy Hello Good good Oh Uh oh I should've guessed, I really should've known I knew that your accent was gonna be Yoda Save it, save it, save it Racist I am not But When last we left our heroes they explored the green What?

Explored the green pillar After being set upon by a hulking mossy form Ving, using his quick thinking and his ability to control the elements Created a stone maze around the beast Quick but limited thinking Not thinking to perhaps entirely enclose the beast But somehow just give it like a nice summer activity It would've been so funny if the maze was just like four feet high Waist high Yeah it just steps over it And you're like you're breaking the rules of the game!

You're breaking the rules of the maze! Guys we gotta go he doesn't respect the maze!

You spent all that time making like dead ends Yeah exactly So we have to turn around Oh god Yeah and the moss monster just grew over top of it Yeah And the party skittered on through the doorway and down a set of stairs Which was revealed to be a pit covered in a sheet of moss Tuck did a pretty cool John Wick swashbuckler move Jumping across the pit and slamming his axe into the wall so he could hang there Then tie a rope via Ving's harpoon so the other two could swing across It was the perfect plan And it failed so miserably Ving whipped a harpoon through Tuck's hand How's your hand pal?

It hurts still But the poultices are our health equipment Did you just put poultices in the hole and then wrap it up?

Yeah I molded him a new hand Out of poultice Billy and Ving began to swing across Until Billy realized he was being targeted by the monster Who whipped a pile of detritus at him Billy let go, fell down a hole Ving shape shifted for the first time in a long time Into a big ass snowy owl Catching the sweet baby boy Billy and ensuring that he did not die Ving then turned into a tree Went up the hole Saved Tuck, saved Billy And just carried on as if nothing had happened Thank god for all these weird abilities Yeah we're two dumbasses and you saved us all I shot our friend I shot our friend And in the next chamber they discovered The final resting place of the wizard Aquaria The aforementioned and much discussed moss wizard Who lay in repose upon a stone dais in a crystal chamber Being kept alive by nothing but her precious precious moss And after a big amount of exposition What were some key things that we learned from Aquaria?

The guy's name was Pete The moss monster's name is Pete, yes Um, we… There was… Oh, there were warlocks Warlocks are a thing Yep, warlocks exist Which she suggested are people that willingly contact the outer dark And take on a piece of it To become powerful Yep, pretty sick If I do say so myself, pretty cool Just really cool Uh, what… Oh, Perel started his life as a man Mm-hmm Perel and Aquaria spent time together?

Yep But didn't fuck No But Perel did have a pretty active sex life, she said Which is… Yeah, apparently A weird thing revealed Because he was overcome by the… Because he lived as a man He ended his mortality in an age where he was just constantly…

Also, being a wizard at some point would have been like being a rock star Totally Oh, yeah That's probably why he dresses so stupid Oh, the gross leather The leather pants Yeah That's why It's because he never had to look cool He was a wizard People were gonna sleep with him anyways Yeah, it's like if you met Gene Simmons but there was no cultural context for anything that he did or said Yeah You're just like, you're such a loser Oh, God If you knew who Gene Simmons was and you met him, you would probably say he was a loser Yeah, totally He seems like a creep Okay, yeah, so Perel is a man Uh, Aquaria was wounded during the war and is now confined to this chamber for the rest of…

As long as she wants to be alive And it was a war with the hunters? She just referred to the hunters Like, it doesn't sound like… At least the way she said it doesn't sound like it was an organization It was just the people that were like, that's enough, we're gonna kill you And it was across all races and kingdoms and stuff Yeah, it was every… I just wanted to add that it did sound like it was an organization when she said it Oh, yeah, no, it wasn't Well, I mean, oh, who knows? Who knows?

But she did say elves were included and kingdoms of men Kingdoms of men And then warlocks And warlocks Yeah I'm sure others too Totally Such a fucked up situation if the warlocks, they go to the war and they kill the people Yeah And then warlocks Yeah I'm sure others too Totally Such a fucked up situation if the warlocks, they go to like, kings of men and they're like, I have the power to kill the wizard Totally Wow In your city So corrupt Yeah And it's like, the men are making these like, shady deals with these shady, shady dudes Where are the warlocks now?

Who knows?

Maybe they're still around, maybe they all died So she was wounded She asked to stay here or she'll succumb to her wounds and die The moss is the only thing keeping her alive She says that she came here to hide her knowledge Because she didn't want it to get to her But she also said that she gifted the blue moss to other wizards in an effort to make her knowledge more accessible So she only gives it to people she trusts She only gives it to people she trusts I think part of it might be too that it's not like, everything Yeah Like the worst texts that she has, she probably left out of the moss She was like, there's some shit that I don't want anybody to read, but I also don't want to destroy it because I'm a wizard And she said that she could help you with Perel provided that you proved your worth, by trying, by traveling to the vault of her tower, overcoming the challenges therein There's gotta be some challenges that have to do with our purity of will Yeah, totally Yeah, that we're not Warlocks Warlocks, and we're not like, people who are like, all wizards are bad, all light guard are good Like we're not polarized No, we're nothing Yeah Up there Yeah We work for five gold coins a day, whatever the job We'll take two Plus expenses And we never get paid, I don't think We got paid once, we're not getting paid twice Oh, sick Dan You got paid, oh, Dan did pay you Oh yeah Well, you shook Dan down Force of the game Yeah Yeah You kicked in his hotel room door and you were like, Dan, fucking pay us Oh man, I miss Dan Yeah Where is he?

I wonder if he ever got back to shore He did, he was like 50 meters away But just staring out like the open ocean Yeah Eventually he'll turn around and be like, oh Oh my god A lifeguard probably swam out to him Hey, are you okay? Oh! Holy shit You swam so far to save me Thank you Sir, turn around A kid goes by with water wings on We're like, what? And he touches the lifeguard's face as that's happening He's like, you're my prince My savior Shall we marry tomorrow at dawn?

He's dehydrated, he's been swimming on the sea for so long He has never been to sea, so the second he got thirsty he was just drinking handfuls of sea water This is perfect, I'm right here Oh my god, there's so much water What does that mean? Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink I can fucking drink that Remember that sentence?

Maybe Dan's the one who came up with that phrase It used to just be water, water everywhere Okay, that, go down, get the vault, she has a thing in there which she suggested is something that she worked on Which will integrate with Ving somehow and help you get to Perel She gave us a bubble to contain the thing Yes And then he put it in your like chest crystal And it integrated with it It did Yeah, it seems like Ving's body is like taking all comers Like whatever you can jam in here we'll use Paul winked at us Yeah, because it sounded hot Yeah, he'll take all the comers I got a soft nine right now Yeah Anything else?

And Paul Uppers as the half druid, go on Fuck machine Yeah, half druid fuck machine Oh, she suggested that Tuck had been touched by some darkness Oh yeah She was unwilling to give you any more information about the warlocks because she was worried that it would be tempting And she, that's why she's like you gotta go get your ass kicked before I can let you into my vault Because if you are unworthy then you will be destroyed Yeah, and the first test was a leap of faith Getting her trust Yeah The second test was a leap of faith Oh right Yeah Where we find our heroes now Falling down a hole We put Billy above us Yeah, hold him over your head Yeah, grab onto a cheek Like a rifle in Vietnam I don't think it's really gonna do anything And Go limp bud You fall in this huge like cushion I knew it, she wouldn't hurt us Is Tuck's axe lit up?

Yeah Okay, then yeah you fall in a huge pile of moss Oh cool Huge You know when you're like in a water bed and you're trying to move Oh yeah You're like pushing into it but not really getting around too much And you're just in this big pile of moss I'm gonna say thank you moss And I'm gonna start crawling my way down Yeah, so you pat the moss, say thank you moss And you start moving forward and you realize that the moss doesn't feel as soft as it did a second ago And then you realize you can't really move your fingers that much And then you all start feeling numb Oh no No, no, no Yeah I'm gonna get off the moss Ving, it's at this point that the mud and grit on your joints starts hardening up Whoa Oh guys I can't move It's harder to move And then you're seeing, so your joints are locking up because of the mud and then you're losing feeling in your limbs because of the moss What the fuck What does the room look like?

It's, so it's a pretty big chamber, the light from your axe doesn't reach the edges Oh okay You just see moss We just see moss all around us Like at least like, you know, 20, 30 feet on either side it's just moss Okay You want to discern realities Yeah, you want to discern realities With the axe Yeah, I want to discern realities Okay 2d6 plus Wisdom Okay Nine Cool, so you get one question from the list What is useful or valuable to me?

Okay yeah, you see, you, I don't know how you do this but you're just like really looking around like oh my god how do I get out of here I'm willing to be brighter Okay yeah, so the crystals Yeah And you see ahead of you 60, 70 feet away is a doorway Okay And it's literally the only other feature in the room Okay It's almost entirely full of moss Okay The moss like crawls up some of the walls to the ceiling, like it's this huge nest of moss So are we just numb or are we paralyzed?

You're becoming paralyzed Oh no You're numb right now Ving is probably going to become paralyzed pretty soon Can I, is it possible to use evasion? I mean there is a move that lets you know more about things Oh duh That you guys always Spout Lore That's the name of the show Yeah Immediately Tuck was just like what is going on? Not what do I know Alright Sean can I Spout Lore? Is that cool?

2d6 plus intelligence I think you get a plus one because of Tuck's discerned realities Oh okay, so 7, 8 plus what?

Intelligence Well, 8 then Okay something interesting but not useful Okay I would say that they as carnivores have to have some degree of intelligence however primitive which you have heard means they also fear things They fear alcohol Yeah They fear alcohol Yeah They fear alcohol Yeah They fear alcohol Yeah They fear alcohol Yeah They fear alcohol Yeah They fear alcohol Yeah They fear alcohol Yeah They fear alcohol Yeah They fear alcohol Yeah They fear alcohol Yeah Things that burn obviously Burn Yep probably fire Fire Should I just use escape route and apply it to everyone?

Escape route that's a perfect move Well can I apply to everyone?

I don't want to just be the only one to live Well read escape route Okay when you're in too deep and need a way out name your escape route and roll plus dexterity On 10 plus you're gone On a 7 to 9 you can stay or go but if you go it costs you That's perfect Yeah so it's perfect to get Billy out Okay So you're going to take Billy out Yeah Okay So you're going to take Billy out Okay So you're going to take Billy out Okay Okay Okay Okay Okay I mean I gotta see my friends I know but one of you being free is better than none of you being free should we just do it I think because you're being numb it's gonna be two rolls unfortunately there's gonna be a defy danger dexterity to even move quick enough so 2d6 plus dexterity nice 9 can we aid it with that yeah I guess you could if you can come up with a way we held him up when we landed true so you're being held aloft I'll accept that you got less moss juice on you well alright I'm rolling a d6 2 you feel burning as the moss starts eating into your flesh what the fuck I guess because he's wood so it's more sensitive oh yeah you're still a tree can you become on a tree you have a hold how many holds do you have left 1 1 16 16!!

5 damage as this moss just you feel a burning in your calf oh start running so does Billy just like bound across like skitter across the moss my feet and like little calves are so red yeah you get you get to the other side and you like get to the doorway where the moss ends yeah and you get there and you realize it's like a four-foot layer of moss and you're like oh my god that hurts so much I hope they're okay and then you realize it still hurts and there's a patch of moss clinging to your calf oh get off!

And it's still burning oh can I tear it off we're gonna go to Ving okay never mind what's Ving's plan mmm grow into the ceiling I'm gonna send some roots up and sink them into the ceiling get out of this thing can I take tuck with me you can spend the hold to grow into the ceiling and get out of this I will say yes I will say that you can't grab tuck yet because you're still feeling all fucked up yeah great okay you know what Ving's pretty good too you reach up and just grow out of the moss and adhere yourself to it and you can't get yourself to the ceiling so you have this hot hot hot an upside down birch tree yep sick great tuck you see that happening what do you do can I use war cry to intimidate the moss we did say that it does feel fear for certain things that's why I planted that seed earlier because I was trying to force the story in this direction yeah I would be really interested to see you do that and this I mean this is how I've done it for everybody else you're gonna have to roll a defy danger first to even move okay yeah okay defy danger can I like power through to the other side?

To try and grab Ving?

Like just be like yeah defy danger strength oh you strong boy 12 there you go wow so your mighty arm punches through this moss and grabs Ving as he grows into the ceiling it's like a reverse terminator yeah he pulls your thumbs up out of the moss ow fuck pull it out pull it out grab my whole hand you asshole I jammed it into a random hole and that wasn't random that's a very specific hole my thumb is in his tree butt he's screaming there cause it's so jarring it's in my tree butt it's in my I'm two knuckles in it oh wow and the thumb doesn't have that many knuckles I know down to here whoa he's hand mount of venus deep mount of venus you fucking astrological nerd uh alright yeah so you've been yanked out of this moss you're feeling pretty numb but you've got an opportunity and some safety I wanna do war cry alright with a thumb up his butt with a thumb up my friend's butt wow this alone is intimidating I think I can't believe we're rolling with this your thumb is up his butt thing Ving's got a war cry going up his own but you're clenching hard right it's true it's true it's true but here's the thing I think it gives us a plus one on this is Ving's been doing kegels yeah I've been doing my kegels yeah I've been doing my kegels why is it kegels isn't it strengthen your butt I think it's kegels oh yeah I'm saying it right it's not a bagel Jessica is this not a fantasy world that we're creating sorry you're right oh kegels kegels are for everyone kegels are for everyone in this word the human body has a muscle called the kegel that flexes the butthole yeah mm-hmm mm-hmm and Ving's been working on it it's true to loosen it yeah so Tugg starts sliding out No, no, no, no, no.

Okay. Okay, so what is War Cry? War Cry is when you enter the battle with a show of force, plus charisma. You can't enter the battle with a show of force. Why not? What's your show of force? I know what I'm going to do. You have to tell me. You have to tell me what you're doing so I can tell you if it applies. I'll tell you after I roll. No, you can't roll if you don't tell me. No, well, fuck you, because it's in my head. It's my intellectual property right now.

I'm the game master, not a game person. I want to remind you that all this time, there's a huge thumb up my butt. Can we get this rolling, literally? Yeah, all I'm saying is that if you can't enter the battle with a show of force, it doesn't work. Okay, I'm going to piss myself. That's not a show of force. Yes, it is. It takes pure power of will to let yourself piss all over yourself. And also, because moss is a plant, which means it communicates through the chemicals that are in water. And…

I've been eating a lot of crab, and I've been secretly drinking seawater. Tuck, you haven't. I will not allow this sequence to be you stick your thumb up Ving's ass to save your life and then piss on a monster to win the battle. Okay, well, the first half has already been established in his canon. The thumb is up the butt. So now what comes next? What about my love for you is like a truck? What the fuck? You're trying to seduce somebody with a show of force. No, no, no. It's working.

When you perform a… Defeat of strength. Name someone present who you have impressed and take plus one forward with a parlay with them. Okay. Ambrosia. Or rockware. Really surprised. Ambrosia. If you even, if you literally even just dropped onto the moss and swung your axe attempting to harm it, you could then do war cry. I would like to intimidate this moss. How? I want to shit on it. I can feel myself being worn down. Not persuaded. Worn down.

I want to piss and shit myself right now as a show of force to intimidate this moss. Just, please, just pick a way that makes… I want to shit myself! Whatever. Fine. Do it. The quality of the game apparently does not matter. You can do whatever you want. I'm being ground down like the stone of ages. Oh my God. Sick. So it's plus charisma. This is embarrassing. Fail. You fail. Fuck you. Five plus two is seven. I have a partial success. You get a minus one because I'm mad at you. No, you…

You have performance anxiety. You get a seven. What are you trying… So what did you do? And what are you trying to achieve? I passed… He did a number one. He did a number two. I did a number one. I did a number two. I did a number three. That's a secret one that only Tuck knows about. This is exhausting. What? What is number three? He puked. So in what way would you turn this into an intimidating act? It's… The moss has been in this pristine room this whole time.

And it's like, oh, my stomach acid is threatening it. And like, I have so much salt in my piss and shit. And so much crab meat in my shit. I have gunpowder. I hate that the like stomach acid thing makes more sense to me. So my enemies feel fear and act… So my enemies feel fear and act… Accordingly. Yeah. Your… Your shit and your piss are so toxic… That when they hit the moss, the moss pulls back and leaves a circle underneath you of… A shitty, pissy circle. A shitty, pissy stone.

Full of barf. And it's at this point that you feel yourself piss and shit and barf. And you feel the feelings of them passing through you. And you realize you have mere days to live. You will die within 36 hours. And you will die within 36 hours. No, it's just like, oh, my God. I literally can't handle this. I know. Neither can I. Neither can I. No, it's so funny. So that's what happens. There's a bare space beneath you. And I say, piss to meet you. Oh, God. Shit of the morning to you.

Shit of the morning to you. Thanks. And then I… And then Ving lets go of me and I drop back down into the shitty, pissy circle. Yeah, you lay an ankle deep in your own piss, shit, and barf. There's a lot in you. I made a sacrifice for all of us. Can I just say that Billy's looking across the room at this, like… Horrified. Yeah. I'm trying to interpret this face. It's both humor and anguish. Yes, I can't tell. This is my dad. Yeah. I'm like, he's such a fucking hypocrite.

Like, whenever I do that, he gets mad at me. And now he gets to do… Whatever. Billy's language. Sorry. Thank you. That's the only thing. That's the only thing he's concerned with right now. A mouth forms out of a knot in the tree and goes, Billy. Language. And so that's the situation. Ving, it's at this point that you turn back into Ving and you fall ankle deep into Tuck's piss and shit. Hey, thanks. You're welcome. I touch him with a shitty hand. And that's where you are.

You're surrounded by four foot high moss. I use the axe as a broom to push my… To push the mess that I made forward forward to get to Billy and the door. Oh my God. There is not enough piss and shit in here to get you all the way through the room. I think I know how much… Ving pulls out his jar of gunpowder. There we go. Somebody with problem solving abilities. Okay, so I spread out a line of gunpowder on the ground and get Spark. Set this thing on fire.

And this line of gunpowder starts burning slowly, smoldering in the moss, creeping forward. It's pulling back? Ooh, the moss is definitely pulling back. It's being burned. Like, that section is being burned and pieces of it are starting to flee. Sick. Billy, you cool? Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just trying to unlock this door. Yeah, Billy, there's a locked door ahead of you. Yeah. It is very well made. I bet. Tricks of the trade, please. Damn. Oh. What's it called again? Oh, plus dexterity.

I'm sorry, is that 14? Did I roll a 14 on this door? Four fucking teen. Four fucking teen. Shit. Hot damn. So, let me consult my notes. Oh, it's weird. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Did I roll a 14 on this door? Four fucking teen. Boom. Hot damn. So, let me consult my notes. Oh, it's weird. This is just like 64 point text that says, I don't like Abdul anymore. Sorry for the smell, guys. Oh, now it's on fire, too.

Can we do a cutaway to what Aquaria is smelling up top as the, as the, The shit starts burning. From around her bed. Yeah, she just goes. Also, the room is starting to fill with smoke, so we have to get lower down towards the shit. So stupid. Oh, wow. So here's what happens, Billy. You open the door so well, so perfectly, so subtly that the door opens before the next room has a chance to properly activate. Oh, whoa. Cool. You got to jump on it.

And actually, you walk into this chamber and lights around the perimeter of the room start lighting up. And it's this surprisingly small chamber. It looks like it's 15 feet on either side, 30 feet long, 15 feet, a door. But what you do notice, Billy, because of your resounding success, is the shit smoke from the other room billows into this room. And as soon as it passes the threshold of the door, you see it start bending in weird ways. The room start bending?

No, the smoke starts going at right angles and like diagonals all over the place. And you see a little tiny plaque set just inside the door. What does it read? What does it read? It reads, designed by Morris Wadge, master of arcane architecture. Oh, don't go! Okay. Cool. And now it's at this point that you, Billy, you feel the like, womp, womp, womp, womp as the magical energy. Starts to ramp up. Oh, should we follow the smoke? Is it guiding us?

I will say that that gets you a plus one to your first roll to figure this out. Oh. Can you do a trap expert to figure it out? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Trap expert. Let's get a 14 again. 11. 11. Another success, boys. Why are you British? I don't know. Because the British are always like, they feel really superior to everyone. Yeah. Remember, that's what Billy does when he's trying to act superior to people. Yeah. Oh, right. Yeah. He always does a British accent. Wow.

And he is making this dungeon his little B. Yeah. Yeah, totally. Yeah. We're talking. We're like, wow, he's really feeling his oats right now. Oh, hello, talking thing. I already opened the door. Don't even worry about it. Hold on to your piss and shit, boys. Guess you already didn't. Ooh, roasted. All right, pal. Let's crack on, lads. And then he just stumbles into the next room. Great. So, yeah, you get three questions from trap expert. Oh. So, first question, is there a trap here?

And if so, what activates it? Yes, it is. And entering the room. What does the trap do when activated? You feel this room magically is much, much larger than it looks. Oh. And you can feel the energy of, like, space and time basically being directed in a very strange pattern. It's a maze. Okay. So, what else is hidden here? You see in the middle of the room. Okay. You see in the middle of the room.

You see a small plinth that rises about four or five feet off the ground with a large brass key that's sticking up out of the plinth. I think it's way cooler if it was, like, a stone-like puzzle. That's not what it is. Fuck. It could have been so much cooler looking. Yeah, it could have been. Morris Wadge isn't really interested in that. This is an argument that Morris Wadge had with Aquarian. Yeah. Shouldn't it be like a puzzle box? Shouldn't you shut the fuck up? He's like, this is my prison.

And this is, yeah, do it to you. This is my puzzle. This is my puzzle. This is my puzzle. This is my puzzle. Once you're a master of arcane architecture, you can choose what the button looks like in the middle. What's that? What's that? I can't hear you from your crystal coffin. Fuck, Sean. God. A tarnished brass key. It's a brass key in a plinth in the middle of the, and then you turn it and something happens? Can we just follow the smoke? I feel like it's leading us.

The smoke's going to dissipate. It's not going to go all the way there. I had an idea to turn into water and try and fill the chambers with water and it would just, it would. Fill up to the dead ends, but then also would find the exit. So you're trying to turn into like a bunch of water to fill the chamber? Yeah. Interesting idea. This is perfect because I smell terrible. Plus we need to wash things up. It's a good bath. Okay. Yeah. Go ahead and roll shape shift. Okay. Shape shift.

It's supposed to wisdom. Holy shit. 12. 12. 12. You guys are rolling out of control now that there's like puzzles and shit. Yeah. This is what your strong suit is, is puzzles for some reason. Yeah. Yeah. I solved a puzzle by shitting a pit. Yes, you certainly did. And you called it a strong suit. It's about transitive property. You approve of what I did. Don't fucking touch me. Wash your hands. All right. Yeah. So you turn into water. Yeah. Yeah. He blows up like a Veruga Zolt.

So you're a humanoid water thing? Yeah. Oh, I thought you were just water. But then. No, I mean, then I go to the first. And then, yeah. Oh, jumps up in the air and. Cannonball. Grabs his knees, lands at the mouth of the maze and. Whoa. Cool. And out of that splash, it's just gushing a bunch of water. So from where you two are standing, Billy and Tuck, it looks like the chamber just starts filling with water. But Ving, from your perspective, you're traveling like acres.

Like it's just you're whipping around right angles. You're going upstairs, downstairs, back and forth. It's like a water park at the mall. Yeah. You feel things moving. You feel things moving in the maze. And you're just whipped around as you slowly start figuring out the design of this place. And it is massive. Holy shit. How are we going to get everyone through this? What if you make a current? Yeah, that's a cool idea. That's very cool. I'll make a current out of shit.

Say, how do you like it, motherfucker? Cool. Yeah. Yeah. Get to the other side. Wow. Shapeshift is a really powerful move. Yeah. It's a bit of a deus. You guys should probably still roll for it. I guess because there is danger. Yeah. You have to hold your breath. Ving felt things moving in the maze. I bet there's dead ends. Yeah. Yeah. There is definitely dead ends. I'm at the key. You're at the key. It stands before you.

A stone plinth with an ornate brass key sticking out of a keyhole at the very top. What do you do? I say, this is pretty fucking lame. And I try and turn the key. That's not a thing that water does. What do you mean? I make a vortex and turn it. Okay. Then I don't think that you could do it powerfully enough to turn a key in a lock. Okay. I will. I'm just saying. I can't give it all to you like that. I have never seen Paul roll his eyes that hard. I know.

I feel like you guys are not respecting my authority. No. I respect. Full respect. You lost it when you made it a stupid key. It's super cool, you know? I think you lost it when you let Abdul shit his way out of that other room. Oh, trust me. I know. Okay. Can I use one of my holds to make the current so that I can get Tuck and Billy to me? Okay. At least. At least do the key. Totally. And I would like Billy to be able to do that for trap expertise. Oh, yeah. Totally.

But you guys are going to have to roll defy danger of some fashion. Tell me how to make sure that you don't get like fucking dashed against the side of one of these walls. I think mine would be constitution. You're just going to take it. Yeah. You're just going to get fucking your ass kicked. I'm going to go limp and just let whatever happens happens. Okay. Yeah. Go for it. 2d6 plus constitution for Tuck. Ooh, baby. Five plus three is eight. Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay. Eight. Roll a d10.

Roll a d10 for me. Five. Okay. I think what happens is you lose sight of Billy almost instantly as you're getting rushed along and you're traveling for, it feels like miles in rapids and you go around one corner and standing in front of you is this towering armored figure with armor with these like maze like designs on it and it reaches down with this spear that accordions back and then forward and just. Stabs you in the chest. What the fuck?

And then the current just grabs you and is like, nope, not that way. And you just get swept around a corner and pulled away. I take five damage. Five damage piercing. So the whole thing. Billy, how are you? How are you doing it? I'm going to get on my back and float. Use my fat to my advantage because fat floats. So what are you? What stat are you using? Dexterity to float. Okay. Yeah, that works. Maybe you're shaping your body. So you're moving with the current. Yeah. Yeah.

And when you, when, like when Billy would see he's going to go, oh, I'm going to go to the other side. I'm going to go to the other side. Yeah. Yeah. And when you went like when Billy would see he's going a weird way, he would like, like grab an edge or. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Instead of tuck. It's cutting back and forth between us and Billy's like, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. And then Tuck's just like slam, slam, slam, slam. He's stabbling. He's stabbling. He's stabbling so much.

Billy's just doing soft circles. Little feet are kicking. Yeah. It's kind of like when he would play in the river. Yeah, totally. Swirling his hand. It's like a little. Swirling his hand. Swirling his hand. It's like a leap. So I also got eight. Okay. I feel like it's the same thing. Like Tuck gets pulled out of that corridor with the maze guardian and he sees Billy for a second getting pulled into that corridor. He's like, no, no, no, no, no. Billy's already there. Yeah. And yeah, roll a D10.

Ten. Whoa. Ten. Oh, oh, oh my God. Holy shit. What are you at? Six. Fuck. That's not good. So I think it's it stabs at Tuck. It's like a. It's like accordion spear out as you come around the corner and it sees you and it's like, again, really, really tall. Yeah. And it stomps forward and slices along your body. Yeah. Oh, fuck. And I'm literally crying and like sad baby tears. Bleeding. Yeah. And bleeding a lot. A lot. And I don't really care about floating anymore.

And yeah, Tuck and Billy, you after like minutes, like a long time of being pulled along, you wash up like in front of this key. I'm unconscious. Oh, Billy's. Yeah. They come in the room and Ving's ready to high five them. Like what? Did everyone have fun? Billy? Bilbo? Billy! Are you turning back into Ving? Yes. Smooch. They just dropped to the ground. Yeah. I use my poultice herb. I heal seven. Oh, this takes time to like the poultices take a while. It's like applying medicines and stuff.

Okay. How much time? Like 20 minutes? Yeah. 20 minutes to the point where in the distance you hear like thump, thump. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no. That's the problem. It's just going to do it the normal way. It's fine. I've done this a million times. What does the trap do when activated?

What the trap does is it drops four walls in the room that you're in and reveals something. Oh. You get the idea that it is dangorous. Yeah. Yeah. What else is hidden here? You are looking at this dais like there's got to be something else and you find a panel that slides away. Oh. Revealing a small wooden puzzle box. No, that's more like it. Can I grab it? You can. Okay. I take that out. Yeah. And as you pull it away, you see another little metal plaque behind it set into the stone of the dais.

It says, nice work. Thanks. Oh, cool. Cool. So it's like a gift from Morris? It seems like it. Is it another house? Sorry. Yeah. Oh, puzzle box house is a cool idea. We don't know what it is. We'll figure it out later. Do you still have that puzzle order, Chuck? I do. Maybe we should make them kiss. See what happens there. Mash them up. So, Billy, you're standing on top of the dais now looking at the key and you're like, what's the trick here? There's got to be some sort of magical danger.

And you're like, oh, wait. And you turn it counterclockwise and it's just a room again. The whole maze dropped away in an instant. Fold it up. Cool. Okay. Actually, maybe that's a cooler description. You see the wall start folding in. Oh, yeah. Like it's clacking. Yeah. Yeah. And they fold into themselves and then they fold into the floor. Oh, yeah. And then we see like panels closing. Yeah, totally. So cool. Yeah. That's really neat. You've solved Morris Wadges maze puzzle. Sweet.

So there's another door. This one is not locked. And it opens into a much physically larger chamber. Is it like a massive, beautiful library? It's shaped like that. It has like the cathedral ceilings, but there's no books. Is it like Christ Church Cathedral? Yeah. Okay. It's surprisingly tall. You get the idea that maybe Morris put a little juice into this one because it shouldn't be able to hold this tower. But you see something that seems very un-Morris Wadge.

In the middle of this room, you see a large ornate stone statue of a frog. Perel. So Morris and Perel are in the middle of this room. Yeah. Perel must have helped her either escape or design this as like a last resort. Maybe they were like friends. Well, she said she was friends with Perel and I bet they were the ones who built all this to keep her safe.

I wonder if they saved her after she was hurt or if like they worked together and she was like, I feel like the end is coming soon and I need a safe zone. Maybe they were both in love with her and that's why they don't like each other. Oh. Or maybe they dated each other. It was suggested. It was suggested when Perel first saw that portrait that him and Morris have a past. Oh. So this is more interesting to me than the warlocks.

That'd be really cool if they were both in love with her and they begrudgingly worked on this together. Oh yeah. She brought them together. They thought like my puzzle room will be better than yours. Yeah. I'll save her more than you will. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. You'll have to get it out of one of them probably. One of them? Aquaria or Perel. Oh, okay. So, okay.

So what you see in this room is in each of the four corners, there's a stone lily pad, just a few inches off the ground on a mechanism of some kind. You glimpse a doorway behind the frog. That's the last doorway probably. The door is like slammed, sealed shut. No holes, no handles. It looks like it's set into the wall and floor. And in the far right corner, going all the way up this cathedral ceiling into a crack in the wall is blue moss. Is it well lit in here now? Yeah.

It's come on around the perimeters of this room as well. And it's crystal globes. But the light and the shadows on the cathedral, like masonry and stuff, it's very beautiful. The shadows. I smash one of those globes and I take the crystal inside. I want some crystal. You smash the globe and you realize the globe was the crystal and it winks out. Oh, fuck. Come on, man. I'm sorry. So there's one less light. Last time that was just in the thing. No more of that. How big is the globe? Fist sized.

Okay. I just take one of the other ones. It's adhered to the pole that it's on. Fuck. Okay. Everything's stuck together. Can I crack the pole off? Yeah. Okay. The crystal winks out. Fuck. It's getting darker. I broke two. It's trying to put it back on. No, no, no. It's good. It's good. It's good. Ving, can you take away the axe? Give me the axe. Go get it back at the end of the venture. Okay. Here you go. Thank you. It's fucking heavy. Billy, your danger sense starts going off. You look over.

Pardon me? This is the danger sense. My schnoz. And you look over at the moss and it starts moving. Oh, man. Aquarium. It breaks that lily pad and the moss starts pulling that stone into itself and it starts slithering across the floor to the frog statue. Oh, shit. And so, yeah, it's like Pete has started to grab things around the room. Oh, my God. Can we make fire again? Pete. It is us. Friends of your mom's. I know your mom. I'm your mom's friend. Your mom's friend, Ving.

You just shifted into uncle and mushroom. Yeah, totally. And it keeps moving towards the statue. I toss, tuck his axe. Yeah. You're gonna need this. I grab it. Thanks. Oh. Billy, you see they're doing this like ornate annoying handshake. Guys. Sorry. You look behind at the sheet of Pete moving towards and you see the hand. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Frog statue spins 45 degrees. The lily pads control the statue? I'm not going to tell you. Can we discern realities maybe about the mechanism? Yeah, totally. Does somebody want to do it? So who has the most wisdom? I have plus two. So you do it.

Okay, I think it's those lily pads over there. We just need to find a way around. Fuck. Fuck. Fucking holy shit. Snake eyes. Snake eyes, how is this possible? Fuck. I'm good at that kind of rolling. We have had four snake eyes. That's unbelievable. Well, I think what happens is Pete wreaks more havoc upon the puzzle. The sheet of moss has grown up over the frog statue now and you hear crack, crack, crunch as it starts coming apart. And the frog's arms move into arm shapes of moss on either side.

The stone frog head settles on top of the humanoid body. And it's this like moss slash frog like giant basically. It's about eight feet, nine feet tall. I'm going to just attack it. So one of the tags that Pete has is a reach, which means that he's got a longer reach than you, which means you have to get inside his reach before you can hit him. So how are you going to do that? Just going to let him hit me. Okay. Two to six plus constitution for defy danger. 14.

He nails you like he whips a chunk of stone at you from that distance and you just let it glance off your shoulder. Yeah. I'm running. And yeah, that's totally what happens. Like I can see it coming at me and it does like kind of graze a little bit, but I'm just like, boom, and I keep going. Yeah. Sick. That's great. So now you've got you've gotten up in front of this gigantic moss monster. Yeah. What do you do? I want to smash the largest piece of stone that's a part of it with the axe. Yeah.

Hack and slash nine. Can I aid by shooting an arrow of volley? Yeah. The harpoon. Yeah, I know. I have I have crystal volleys. Yeah. He's got like the little crystal projectiles. Shit. Cool. Yeah. Two to six plus bond. Nice. Eight. Yes. Okay. Great. Roll your damage. Five. You swing your axe at one of the flanks of frog stone that it integrated and it just shatters into a million pieces and you slice through this huge chunk.

You meet some resistance as the moss gets pretty dense in the middle and your axe just comes out the front of them and it steps back a little bit. I want to climb up one of those like poles to the crystal globes and I want to use that crystal to like amplify my magic. Okay. Yeah. Interesting. Defy danger dexterity to get up there without like drawing the ire of Pete as you're doing it. Okay. I'm going to do it secret snake eyes. How in the goddamn shit holy fuck tuck and Pete are mixing it up.

Ving is throwing crystal spikes. Billy starts jumping trying to climb up this wall to grab a crystal torch and tuck smashes the stone and Pete's arm sweeps down to pick it back up and just whips it at Billy like a fucking trebuchet and smashes not only the one that Billy's trying to grab but like three or four. Down the length of the room. Like it's just smash scattershot. Okay. Well, I dropped to the ground and I start running to the next one. Cut to Ving. You're right, Billy. I'm fine.

It's just getting dark. If I touch on this lily pad, I know that the frog's been taken over by Pete, but will it still turn the stone? Maybe we can direct Pete by getting on these lily pads. I mean, you could go try and touch one. I'm going to go touch on. Okay. Defy danger dexterity to get there without getting nailed. Okay. Yeah. You dodge a bunch of like stone. Yeah. Tuck, you're standing right in front of it. Right in front of Pete and Ving, you jump on it.

It goes click, pops you up a little bit and Pete spins 90 degrees. Sick. So now he's facing to the side. Oh, cool. Get him in the back of the head. Yeah, I'll do a hack and slash. Yeah. On the back of his head. Seven. Okay. So that's deal your damage and he'll deal damage to you. Two. Okay. You slash through like a chunk of his arm and a piece of stone shatters and some moss falls away. The arm that's facing away from you.

He pulls into his body and it shoots out the other side and punches you right in the chest. Okay. Roll a d10. Two. Okay. It's not too bad, but you take five damage. Billy, what's Billy doing? I've clambered on to another one. Yeah. And I'm going to put my hand basically just wrap myself around it. Yeah. Oh, sorry. You got to roll again to like Oh, yeah. Please. Holy shit. Opposite. Fuck. Yeah, I got 14. There you go. Whoop, whoop, whoop. Right up the wall.

And I really want to make like this big shooting ray like of magic to like sever Pete. Oh, interesting idea. Oh, I think that instead of it being raised, it would be like a more raw field of energy because Billy's not like a trained wizard. He's just just dumping everything he can into it. But these crystals resonate and amplify magical energy. So that's totally something you could do. So 2d6 plus charisma. Yeah. Phil. Oh, you just failed. Okay. What do you think?

What do you think a failure looks like for Billy in this regard? Oh, no, it hits my own crystal through like the just the bag and I feel it like shatter in my bag. I'm like, fuck. It's like you have too much power going to a light bulb. Oh, yeah. I think like crystals along like closer to Billy overload and shatter in there. Oh, I let go. Yeah. The one Billy's touching goes bang right in his hand and I fall to the ground. The one in his pocket. Roll a d6. Oh, sure. Now it's the fuck.

How many do you have left? I have 13. Okay. Tuck or no. No. Yeah. What's you realize that the lily pad is still connected to Pete in some way. It's connected to the rock parts of him. What if like you guys keep pushing it? Keep pushing it because they twist him, right? Yeah, they turn him. So what if you guys keep pushing the try a couple of the same time to yeah, just like fucking hammer button mash the shit out of those and it will give me like openings. Can you holler? At me to do that?

Billy what? Keep pushing those fucking lily pads. Okay. Bing moves off the lily pad and it's like, hey, a big hard and soft piece of shit over here. And then he turns around and incites Pete's angry to fight Andrew dexterity. He whips a bunch of stone at you eight. So then I jump out of the way and onto the thing. Okay, you'll be able to press this one like you like, hey, you dumb little moss bitch and you jump on the lily pad and press it and Pete. Spins around now.

He's facing away from tuck and he whips a bunch of stone out of a little moss pseudopod and it shatters the lily pad that you're standing on. Oh, so you're not going to be able to use that one again. Okay, but tuck this gives you an opening while he's off balance. I kind of want to do for the blood God.

You're initiated in the old ways the ways of sacrifice choose something your God's value blood gold bones of the like and when you sacrifice those things as per your rights and rituals roll plus wisdom and on a 10 plus the gym will grant you an insight into your current trouble or a boon to help you on a 7 to 9 the sacrifice is not enough and your God's take from your flesh as well. All right. So what does that look like?

So he's what he's going to do is he's going to like start head butting the rock head of this thing like out of rage and anger. Yeah, that it's been so fucking hard and like Billy's taken so much damage. Yeah, totally eight. All right. What's your damage die 10 roll a 10 to okay, you feel your own nose like crunch a little bit on the rock, but Larry Terry and chatter like hey man, what's what's going on? Can you guys destroy this fucking rock moss guy moss no rock. Fuck.

Yeah, you can feel the axe like vibrating your hand like Oh, it finds a frequency of the rock. Yeah, I feel the axe vibrating and I I take a big swing can I like smash through one of the rock pieces and yet the vibrations propagate through all of Pete. Yeah and like basically turn all of him into dust all of them. Yeah, well the all the rock parts the rock parts not all of the rock. Okay. Yeah. So like the head just crumbles away. Yeah the arms and stuff.

So now he's just this like kind of unstable pile of moss. He's starting to lose his humanoid form roll a hack and slash real quick as part of that. Five six seven. Okay, roll your damage 10. Oh baby. Oh baby baby. So you smash those that piece of rock it all just crumbles to dust in his body and he's flopping around trying to like his the torso part of him like flops back and he's trying to stay upright and you just whip your axe right through the middle of him.

You catch his whole torso section and he falls into two sections of moss. Can we like burn him now? Yes, you could. Definitely try because there are now two smaller side two smaller chunks of moss and they're starting to reach for pieces of rock. I want to run in and like what do you call it? Tummy slap just like belly flop tummy slap. Yeah, I'm fucking fire tummy slapping. Oh shape shift as I'm running. I'm going to just flame on shape shift. Fuck. Yeah burn baby burn! Oh nice eight.

Yeah, so you get one. I'm going to let you destroy one pile of moss. Okay. Yeah, so you're just running as your eyes. I'm starting to ignite yes. I'm flames licking off the back getting a poof poof poof, you know bigger bigger bigger so many wild gestations gesticulations gestations of fire coming out of my legs and I land on one. Yep, and it just is immolated. It's immolated by your fiery form. I just take it like my making out with it. Yeah, and it's like tea bag and I'm burn balls burn burns.

Yeah, I get behind it and I start doing this behind like I'm this is more crude than anything. Oh, yeah, I agree. Yeah, I should fire on it. I be fire on fire on it and then as you're doing that since that hold is spent. You're eventually just being again and you're humping the air a bunch of ashes, but he's humping the air triumphantly. Yeah, Billy, you're like pulling yourself to your feet and you see the last chunk of Pete like crawling towards you across the ground out of fear.

I curl up and like send out my last thing of magic that I can okay defy danger charisma. Okay. Please fucking shit. Oh, yeah. Sorry. 10. Okay. So yeah, Billy lets out this. It's like you're like a distress call like a death whale almost like no. Oh, yeah. Embarrassing scream as I get into a little ball because I really think I'm going to die. Yeah, and Pete has like reached up like off the ground.

You see the little like gross moss roots underneath as it flops up and then that pulse of energy makes him pull back and crunch down into himself and pull himself into this like two feet across just pile of moss and he's not moving anymore. Yeah. Oh, the threat of Pete has been eliminated. Wow. Fuck. I just walk up to the door on the other side and I start hacking at it. Fuck this. I don't want to be in Perel's room anymore. His room sucks. Four paddles that turned a fucking frog statue.

I'm ranting at everyone as I'm smashing at the four fucking paddles that turn a goddamn statue. What the fuck is good about that? Stupid fucking Perel with his tight ass chaps is ready set spaghetti bullshit stupid fucking hat. You shouldn't even save him. We should just like go home. Yeah. Do you want to go home? I do. Perel piece of shit. So I hope you can feel all this. I just kick a rock.

Here's here's what I will say about the room is tuck is destroying it in anger and I guess everybody's just walking around kicking shit over like fucking Perel. Fuck you. And so tuck as you're wrecking this place. Here's what you guys learn. I'm just going to tell it to you because it's so funny because you're in the method of destroying it. You're learning more about it than you ever could have. Yeah, like crazy. People taking part of radio.

Yeah, tuck is smashing the shit out of this door, which as you get closer, you realized is carved in the aspect of hanging swamp vines. It is made of the same stone as everything else in this tower. It looks like the tower was just kind of carved out like a beehive and everything was using this stone and as Billy and Vinger going around and pushing over lily pads and spitting on shit or whatever making sure this stupid room is never usable.

Yeah, and destroying everything you realize that what was supposed to happen was if you pressed the lily pads in a certain order. Yeah, the frog eventually would have faced the door and the stone would have transmuted into swamp vines creating a curtain that you would push through just to get out. It was a puzzle except Pete was in here and he ruined the whole thing. It was a puzzle that Perel was probably really proud of because there's some pretty slick transmutation gear.

Yes, because involved transmutation and frogs. Yeah, exactly. And you think the frog statue would have transmuted the door. So he would have sent out a beam of transmutation, which is pretty cool. Can we do a quick flashback to him explaining it to Morrison Aquarium being like this is really cool.

It's like so here's the idea is I've created the statue with nodes underneath it that that channel transmutation magic and once the lily pads have been pressed in a specific order, the transmutation beam will travel through the statue and turn the door into swamp vines. Let me guess. What's the statue in the shape of? He looks right at Aquaria. I haven't finalized the design yet, but I had some ideas. It's a frog and Pete is there sitting next to Aquaria's like fucking frogs again. This sucks.

This is what Pete sounds like. That's Pete's voice when he talks to Aquaria. She's like Pete, just so you know everything I do is moss. Just kind of the way we are. So talk you hack through this door set in this gigantic Cathedral wall and you create an opening that the three of you walk through into Aquaria's personal study.

What do we think it looks like when we crack through like we're hit with light and it's this small like 12 foot long kind of like maybe six feet wide room that's arched at the ceiling and there's bookshelves.

With books and a window at the very edge of like at the end of the wall that we're facing is just all window and a curtain of moss from the outside covers it from what would be the sea of graves and there's like a crystal lounge sort of like seating place that Aquaria would have read and you can tell that it would have been like padded with like thick moss but that's long since died. There's like a ratty super aged silk robe that she used to wear.

A little table with what would have been a cup of tea and like open books. And yeah kind of like it's sort of like a homey like if you ever went into one of your professor's offices where it's like there's just like stacks of books and like papers all over the place.

There's a copy of Love and Lust on the ottoman next to the chair and it's there's there's also like a tapestry on the wall that like you can see it's like a battle when Tuck looks at it he recognizes it as like being very similar to the tapestry that was on the wall of Maggie's office in the what was the name of that oh the clear water in the clear water yeah there was like a tapestry there that had a battle on it too and it's like kind of the same and it's like clearly like a magic battle happening there yeah and in the middle of the room is a small pedestal with a roughly cut dome crystalline dome like a bell jar over a very bright blue small chunk of moss it's brighter than the other stuff it's like and it's emanating a soft blue light sweet so you step forward to the bell jar you remove the glass and you pick up the ball of moss and you bring it close to your chest and the crystal of the terrarium that Aquaria gave you opens and reaches for the moss as you place it inside and it closes around it and as you remove it from the pedestal the curtain of moss on the crystal window at the other side of the room parts and reveals the expanse of the sea of graves ahead of you you're hit with this bright bright light and in the distance far away you see the skies darkening and a pillar with a funnel of dark cloud pulled down to the very top and that's where we're going to end it for this week I've been your game master Sean O'Hara joining me as always playing Fat Billy the Halfling Thief Jessica Tai bye everyone playing Ving the Half-Elf Druid Paul Offers take care playing Tacoma Dome the Barbarian Abdulaziz so long thanks to Aaron Reed for our intro and outro music and thanks to all of our amazing supporters check us out at Spout Lore most places on the internet thank you so much and goodbye and so ends the tale of adventures three who tried the best they can though dumb and scared and lost they be for times abreast in revelry and though our journey may be like a conclusion we will not leave you without a resolution return next week to hear some more whilst you commute or do your chores and for you I'd gladly Spout Lore and a few more