Episode 7 – The Roost

Hi everyone, it's Fat Billy here. Thanks for coming, listening to our podcast. If you want more podcasts, you can go to patreon.com slash spoutlore, where you can give us some money. And I like money, so I can buy snacks. You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring. So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing. Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight.

Fingers half-elf, he shifts his shape and wields a spear with great might. Billy's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart. Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts. So gather round. And listen close, for the tale's about to start. War against the unclean hog hordes in the desolate mudscape of the Everwood Valley. In a fight that had it all. Pig motorcycles, anime headbands, little kids flapping like flags on the back of a hog.

Bird on bird violence. Bird on bird violence. Ving was almost completely drowned, pushed further and further into the mud by a horrible pig. Private Ryan moment, and then emerged using his newfound ability to call forth the spirits to eliminate two of the hogs with some water snake moves. It was a sick fight. It was a very cool fight. It was maybe one of the cooler fights we've done. Which is absurd, because it's been seven years and the coolest fight that we've had was up against some pigs.

And we only rolled twos as damage. Exactly. Following the fight, the party was stopped by one of the scarecrow clad halflings. Asked to state their business and told about the crows, a faction of halflings that, according to their own words, are attempting to repel the tyranny of the pumpkin king. Which the party immediately was like, that sounds sick. Yeah. Let's do that. Immediately forgetting the allegiances we have already forged.

And we, at that point, had also forgotten that we were being tracked by a god. Yep. Yep. Yep. We're like two tangents deep right now. Oh, yeah. I also forgot about that. Yeah, those are the stakes. Yeah. Birdie and Birda, your original guides, then became your hostages as you tightened the baby Bjorn, securing these two soldiers of the pumpkin king, and were taken to the roost.

It seems like a maybe previously existing halfling village that has been co-opted and occupied by the crows as a sort of base of operations. Yeah. Once within this. This raucous, rootin', tootin', honky-tonk, halfling mud village, you were faced by the leader of the crows, Wild Bill. Ooh. And that is where we find our heroes now. A two-foot-tall halfling, round of body, handlebar of mustache, dour of demeanor, snorts, spits, and then takes a sip of his mug of cream. Says, well, what do…

We have here. It is I, and Billy, like, takes a stance. What stance? Uh, like a… He's trying to do what Wild Bill is doing, which is kind of cowboy-y. Yeah, totally. He's trying to guess where his hips are. Yeah. Put his hands on them. He's moving his hands around like he's like, no, that's too high. Trying to find his hips. No, that's too high. No. No, that's back fat. Okay. I don't know. It feels like it's all back fat. Yeah. I think I'm all back fat. Guys, am I all back fat?

Uh, and then Billy, uh, like, he's like, I think it's my stance. So he like puts his legs wider and then, uh, slips in the mud. Oh no, accidental splits again. Yeah. And Wild Bill and the surrounding crows are just watching this happen. Watching Billy flop around in the mud. As I live and breathe. Is that fat, Billy? Um, Billy gets up off the mud and, uh, I demand to know where Razor Tusk is. Everybody laughs. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Why are you laughing at me? Yeah, don't laugh at our kids.

Yeah, don't laugh at our kids. Yeah. I'm just asking a really normal question. If you think if I knew where Razor Tusk was, I'd be here bandying about with these fools. Well, I don't know what you're doing out here when the Pumpkin King is out there bandying around with all of our groceries and stuff. I don't know what I'm doing. Tuck and Vig are tall enough that we can see over the walls of the town and we like look back and we see Lodetree.

And we see a little figure literally bandying two baguettes. Yeah. Look at my groceries. That was the, uh, cause we've talked about how in the Wittershins, like the distance is further than you thought it was. Yeah. But because it would be funny, the Wittershins made Lone Tree Hill visible for a second. So you could understand who the villain is. The distance follows cartoon kid logic. We're in a cartoon now. Yeah. Yeah.

Like Bill, you're the one who's supposed to be like the toughest guy in town. And here you are like hiding out in a crow nest. Or whatever. We call it the roost actually. And I'm not hiding. I'm planning. What are you planning? A way to take down Razortusk and the Pumpkin King in one fell swoop. I want to get info about this. Okay. How so? I would like to parlay. Yep. So parlay is you are offering something. I turn to you guys. What about if we offer ourselves as mercenaries for hire?

As long as there's pay involved, really. Yeah. Five gold coins a day. That sounds good to me. Yeah. I'm okay with that. Okay. We can do five gold coins. Do you need us to help in any way? Yeah. If you want to chip in, I mean, I don't know what I'm doing. Chip in to pay us? No. How so? With your words. I'll do the dental, I guess. With your words. Okay. I don't know if I can convince him on my own. He's kind of a scary guy. How about we just stand here very imposing. We'll pump ourselves up.

Yeah. You be the mayor. You do the mayor thing where you pitch us. Okay. And then we'll make ourselves look like a buff. Okay. Okay. And we start oiling each other up. And I look over. While Bill's kind of nodding like, hmm. Okay. He likes it. He likes it. We'll oil and pose down a bunch behind you. Sure. Interesting. Bill, I have a proposition for you. Mm-hmm . Okay. What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that?

What if we, you know, me and my pals who are very buff and strong and tall, what if we help you with whatever plan you have to, I assume, take down the Pumpkin King and restore order to the Halfling Lands? All right. 2d6 plus charisma. 13. 13. Holy shit. You guys did a good job. He likes it a lot. Yeah. He's like scratching his little chin between his handlebars on his mustache and nodding at Tuck and Ving as they oil each other up. Ving's like, have you seen my song?

He's about, yay, big around and about, yay, big around. He goes, well, in a battle such as this, we could use all the help we could get. And you hear a voice off to the side go, you can't be serious, Bill. And a halfling pushes her way through the crowd. A halfling you recognize, Billy, from a potato throw in Mudlark all those years ago. A halfling you betrayed. Oh, no. Oh, whoa. What's his name again? I don't remember. It's a lady. We never got her name. Dorothy.

Yeah, you hear a voice on the other side of the crowd say, Bill, come on. You can't be serious. And a little halfling woman pushes her way through the crowd. She's got a big scar down her face. Holy shit. She's got strong little halfling arms. Whoa. And she has a- Crown of hot dogs. She has a crown. Crown of hot dogs. Now dried and old. But she's got slung over her back. She's got what looks like garden shears that have been broken in half. Whoa. So she's got two shears over. That's so sick.

Like scimitars? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's so cool. I like that. She's like, we can't trust them. And we can't trust him most of all. And she points right at Billy. What? Why? You don't remember, do you? Remember what? You don't remember at all, bud. You framed me. Oh, shit. After you framed me, I got thrown in the brig in Mudlark. And then those frogs attacked. And I had to fight my way out. That's how I got this. I mean, it's a pretty cool scar, though. It is a cool scar. You're right.

Yeah, I mean, it builds character, right? You're trying to convince me that the way you betrayed me was actually a good thing? You can't be taking this seriously, can you, Bill? Bill goes, Dorothy, I've made my decision. We are not in any position to turn away aid in this time of war, this hogpocalypse. And he looks up at the maroon sky, the blood red, the pig red sky above. The gas, like all of their shit farts is like making the sky just red. A methane sunset. Shimmering methane.

We just see like a puff of fart fly to the wind. You usually can't. Usually gas doesn't stay together. You usually can't see a fart like that. With these pigs, it does. Yeah, a little cloud. They call it the Borealis. Oh, I get it. Sorry, I'm stupid. You pulled away in disgust. No, I'm just dumb. I didn't get it. That was amazing. And Dorothy says, well, you can trust them if you want, Bill, but you can't make me trust them. I've got my eyes. I've got my eyes. I've got my eyes.

I've got my eye on you, bud. I'm watching. Okay. And she stalks away into town. Don't worry, Billy. We were really new to Dungeon World at that point, so we kind of know what we were doing. That's true. We were really new. We were all flailing little babies. We were just learning lessons. Yeah. Yeah. It's fine. Sometimes in your past, you encounter people that you have harmed, and that's, everybody makes mistakes. It's just important that you make amends at some point. Yeah. That's true.

If we felt guilty for every person that showed up from a past with a giant scar cut across their face, we'd never get anything done. Yeah. When has that happened to you guys? Like, what, have you ever had that? Oof. Yeah. Yeah. My first babysitter. I met them in the court of the woods, you know, years after. They came out to Orch Shield. They were banned because of how I treated them. Oof. I'm trying to make this funny. That was so dark. I'm sorry, Vic. I didn't mean to bring up bad memories.

Back when I was a little prince, I ruined this kid's life. Showed up with a huge scar on his face. Well, you know, maybe this will be like me making amends by volunteering us to fight. Yeah. Save their town. Totally, Billy. That's a great way to make amends. It's risking your life. It's what happened with me and Fatim, remember? I totally fucked up his face. Oh, yeah. That's true. Remember? And then he came- Fatim's probably really mad right now. He probably is really mad right now.

Smash cut to Fatim. What's he doing? I'm so mad right now. Fuck me. He's just like punching a tree like, oh, I'm so mad about Tuck. Every time I think about him, I just get so mad. We are right. Yeah. He punches the tree a bunch, then he kisses it for a second. He's like, what? What? No. No. No. I'm so mad I get confused. It's all his fault. It's all his fault. So dysregulated. And he starts walking away, and then he stops, and he looks back at the tree a little bit.

And then- The shot switches to a white, and Mears is sitting there with a lemonade. He's like, what is wrong with this guy? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Mears is in this episode. Take that, fuckers. You're welcome. That is canon happening right now. Yeah, put that in the content warning. Yeah. Yeah. I imagine they are still together. Did we talk about how Fatim- Did Fatim leave? No, he was still in there. Okay, yeah. So they're probably still together. I've had some ideas about what Fatim's up to.

Oh, fun. I think because now he's got the eye, and we've talked about how he is getting visions. I think he's sort of a- I think he's kind of a wandering demon hunter right now. Like, he's trying to get answers. So sick. And Mears is going with him. Yeah. No, he's following the path of the mausoleum, but maybe not known to him. Because, yeah, his eye makes him able to resist demonic influence, and also, I think, is damaging to demons in a way. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That makes sense.

The light from his eye is very powerful. Yeah. Because it's sunstone. Yeah. Yes. They seek the corners, the shadows, when he's around. Yeah, exactly. He knows to look in the darkest places. And he's wearing a red Adidas tracksuit, as Jessica set up in the episode. He's awesome. Yeah. He's got a big hammer, a red Adidas tracksuit. His hair's long now. Uh-huh. Balding and long? Like, long from the back? No, he shaved his head by choice.

That was how he was different from Tuck a little bit, is he had no beard and a little hair, but he'd shave it a little bit. Tuck is unwillingly bald? Unwillingly. Okay. Yeah. No, wait, actually, in the first episode, you did say bald of head by choice. Oh, right. Oh, yeah. But in the Tuck voice, you said that. By choice. Yeah. Oh, we don't know. Yeah. Tuck's always kept his shave, so you don't know if he has male pattern baldness. Every morning, he goes, I'm going to shave my head now.

He just runs the tap for a while. He runs the tap. He's getting really good at making a noise. He's making razor sounds. Yeah. And then when we're somewhere where there isn't a tap, he really makes us stink about it. Too much. It's going to be so hard to dry shave my head, because I have to do it every day. He puts little cuts there. Oh, I cut my head shaving. Takes a minus two. He's cutting his own scalp instead of just admitting that he's bald. Ah, it's so itchy. I can feel it coming in.

It's so thick. I got to go shave. Oh, man. It's driving me nuts. It's driving me nuts. As soon as we get out of the Sea of Graves, I'm going to shave my head. I'm going to shave my head. Guys, sorry for this five o'clock shadow I'm wearing on the top of my head. Well, Dorothy's concerns aside, I think you might be in the right place. I think we could use some martial expertise. We come not just with martial expertise, Wildeville. Fuck. Wildeville. Wildeville. Wildeville. Tuck says it.

Tuck says it. He's like, I was trying to make it sound cool. Yeah. Well, that's just his name. We come bearing information as well. And then I hit the buckle on the Bjorn that makes the baby fall out. And Birdie and Birda both fall onto the mud. They tumble to the ground. Yeah. Up until this point, they thought I had boobs. Well, I have to admit, up until this point, I thought you were in position of a sweet rack. But now I'm to see. A couple stooges of the pumpkin king.

And then Tuck goes, fear not. What remains still has many gifts I can impart. And then I make my pecs dance. Can't help but notice you're picking up dice. I would like to make a performance check. Sorry, I've been watching too much D&D. Performance checks do not exist. And you will not be rolling for whatever you're about to do. Well, I'm going to make my pecs dance so much that he gets so excited by it. He starts dancing. Nodding again. Watching your pecs dance goes, oh, all right.

They kind of tell a story. Yeah. There's a narrative to this dance. Yeah. It's like telling what we're going to do. Like planning it all out. And also explains how we got here and who we are. Oh. So I tell the story of the podcast. In a pecs dance. From season one. Through the pecs dance. Undulating pecs. Pectoral muscles. Bing is playing that Indian instrument that goes. A sitar? Yeah. No, it's the. The horn. The woodwind one? Oh, yeah. With the bulb on the end. Great.

And there's a fire crackling in the center of town. Yeah. Everybody's gathered around to watch Tuck's pecs dance. Yeah. The sun has set. Yes. The sun has fully set. There's 200 hours of content here. Yeah. There's a lot to get through. And as your pecs finally come to a rest. Beads of sweat. So tired. Yeah. And the crowd begins to applaud. And Wild Bill, who has been nursing the same. Cup of cream. This whole time gets up. He wipes a tear from his eye. Says, I think I can speak for all crows.

When I say that your story is one of bravery. And I think that we would be glad to have you fight at our side. As we attempt to repel the tyranny that has forsaken the ways of the Everwood Valley. Thank you. Billy. If I may say. You have a complicated history in these lands. I understand. But if you come here. In order to help. In order to heal this place. Allow me to be the first to welcome you back home. Thank you, Bill. And the other halflings begin to clap. Wow.

The camera kind of zooms in on the side. And leaning against a stilt support of one of the huts is Dorothy. She grimaces. She walks into the shadows. Spits a tooth under the ground. That's not hers. She's just been sucking on a tooth. She's been sucking on somebody else's tooth. She's so hardcore. That's so hardcore. So scared of her. Holy shit. She punched the tooth out of someone's mouth and then started sucking. And then took it. And started sucking on it. Billy is crying so hard.

This is all. I've been thinking about this for so long. It's sort of a beautiful moment. And okay. So what a halfling. Okay. This is actually a real cultural question I have. What is a thing halflings do when they welcome the return of one of their own? A feast. A feast. A feast. Okay. We're doing a feast. Nice. Then we smash cut too. Tables have been pulled out of all of the buildings and have been set up in this like muddy square. And they have been laden.

Well, quote unquote laden with what food they have. Oatmeal. It's mostly oats. The pumpkin king having hoarded most of the food. Yeah. It means that there is not much in the way of vittles for this feast. But symbolically, the intention is clear. To welcome you into this community. To welcome Billy back to his home. Dried blueberries. Yeah. We still have the blueberries. Yeah. We add them to the feast. Oh. And the halflings are glad to see the berries. And birdie him bird. Like, what the?

Where'd you get these? Those are supposed to be for. I have Amma's teapot. So I add that. Oh. Oh. Oh, yeah. Billy feels like this is a big deal. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it is a big deal for Billy. He's been welcomed back to the Everwood Valley. I've never been welcome at a feast. Yeah. Whoa. Really? Yeah. Whoa. Now we shoot him away. That sucks. I mean, yeah. Tuck is really mad all of a sudden. You little fucks. Yeah. He didn't really realize the extent to which they treated Billy like shit.

Yeah. I've never been to a feast. Oh. Ving's trying to show it as like a teachable moment. Like, look at what you do when you stop running from your asshole past. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. So there's, there's oatmeals. There are blueberries that you've contributed. The crows have been like, it seems like they've been hitting pumpkins. They've been hitting like chicken king, like caravans. Oh yeah. So they've been stealing some food. Actual crows.

Like they have the actual crows on their side and the crows are going to like, they've gone stolen bits of food. So there's like random stuff. Like, uh, like there is a chicken leg. Part of our parlay was that the crows will be on their side. Yes, that is true. Yeah. Like they'll be able to, they're on their side, but now they can communicate. I also like the idea that they bring out like a dish and there's like four or five roasted doves. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Tuck is still like.

In anime mode, he, he looks at the doves and he like, he sheds a single tear. And then also. I do love chicken though. You are delicious. Yeah. And it's this very nice, the cream flows. The halflings are, are getting a pretty rowdy, excited at this. What could very well be a turning point in their battle. Yeah. Having these warriors of renown. Let's see each of you guys at the, how are you ingratiating yourself to the halflings? Oh, it's a good question.

So Tuck is, uh, he's like doing the thing, uh, where he's like taking them and then throwing them in the air and then catching them. Like toddlers? Yeah. Then he like lifts up their, their shirt and then he'll blow a raspberry on their belly. And then he'll be like, Oh, what's going on over here? Dear, should I put you down? Oh no, you have to go into the air. And they are loving it. They can't get enough of this. The lineup is like so long. They keep like, like let them go.

They run back around. Yeah. They have to. And then they get in fights. I'm like, you guys have to. You have to be good in line or else you won't get the tumble bum. You have to be at least this short to ride this ride. Yeah. They made a little, a little sign. Yeah. Yeah. They made the sign because Ving was like, do it with me. Do it with me. It was a disaster. You destroyed a lot of shit. So they made a sign that was like, you have to be this short to ride this ride.

Ving got stuck in a chandelier. So fucking good. And then they point at Ving and they're like, you see the, read the sign. Okay. Okay. Okay. What about Ving? Oh, Ving's doing a mime of, he's doing like, what's that guy's dwarf, dwarf, dwarf. He's doing a dwarf bit where he's putting shoes on his knees and he's doing a play. Oh, I see. Yeah. Yeah. He's pretending to be short. Yeah. Okay. Wait, is this not okay? Is this not okay? Are the halflings mad about this? I don't know.

I think they're like, I think they think it's pretty funny. They think big people are funny just in general. They think they're like, oh, fish. Okay. Just kind of as a rule. When Tuck clocks that Ving is doing that for a second, he's like, oh, fuck. Oh, no. What about Billy? Billy is patching the roof where Ving went through. Very nice. Yeah. He doesn't know how to do it very well. Yeah. But the fact that he's trying means a lot to the halflings. It's true. Yeah.

But he's making like too much of a show about it. Like, he's like, whew, like, forgot how heavy hay is. Like, yeah, Billy, it's very heavy. Thank you for helping. He just really wants them to like him. Yeah. And honestly, there is a fairly positive. I think there's a hesitantly positive feeling that the halflings have towards Billy. Billy did accidentally start a little fire. But he put it out really fast. Before anybody noticed. Yeah.

Anybody that saw it freaked out for a second and was like, not again. How many people that are in this town have interacted with Billy? Well, how long ago did Billy leave? Not that long ago. I mean, like a couple of years. A couple of years ago. Yeah. I think everyone except babies. Yeah, that's true. Most halflings have either interacted with or heard about Billy. Yeah, they've all seen him. They all hate him. Right. Okay. Yeah.

So they all know that you burned down those side lists, those great side lists? Yeah. Everyone and the babies know. Yeah. Because they're told. They're told. They were taught about it. Yeah. Never trust a Billy. And near the end of the night, things are starting to wind down. Halflings have fallen asleep on the tables. They're snoozing in the mud. And… Tucker's started helping. I finished… He helped Billy finish the job. Yeah. Because he just knew he would fuck it up. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

Billy was like using his spit to try to put it together. Just spitting on hay and kind of mashing it. He's getting so upset. Like, why isn't it sticking together? What? I thought it was like glue. Spit is so sticky. The night gets to that vibe where someone's walking around with a garbage can and like putting cans in it. Oh, nice. And Wild Bill approaches. I'll think it's time. I'll think it's time. We spoke about what's been going on. What we need. Yeah. Come with me. Okay.

And he walks into the bar, which is sort of like woven. It's this building looks like it was thrown up as like a rest place for the crows that kind of became a bar. So it's like woven out of sticks. Like it's got this very circular kind of oblong… Like a hummingbird nest. Like a hummingbird nest. Oh, cool. And Wild Bill sits down at a piano, a very small piano. Like this is… Is this his desk? He cracks his… He like… He sits behind a piano and goes, please sit down. Take a seat.

This little super baby grand piano. Yeah. Cute. Super baby. It's the tiniest grand piano we've ever seen. It's like a coffee table. And he starts playing a quiet but jaunty tune, an end of the night sort of song. And begins speaking. What have you heard about what's been going on? About the pigs or… Yeah, the pigs, the pumpkin king, you know where we stand. We made a lot of guesses that were immediately substantiated by Bert.

Tell me about these guesses just to refresh the memory of somebody who might not. The way that we understand it is that the hog times came, which is the pig thing. And… Because… Can't help but be a little bit dismissive. A little bit dismissive. It's a very scariest and serious pig thing. It's really serious. So then Jack Wick, who would become the pumpkin king. Yes. He used the disruption and your absence because you went to fight Razortusk to… I did. He spits on the ground.

He used that to try and take over the halfling lands and he burned the dinghies. And it was all because he was heartbroken because he was in love with the daughter of the dinghies. And was also exiled. And is also an arson. Yeah, he's an arsonist. And you guessed all that? I think I also told us. We intuited. Yeah. Which is different than guessing, I think. You'll find. I mean, I remember the stuff that went on here. I know that Jack hated the dinghies. And he holds onto grudges for a long time.

So, I mean, it just makes sense. And he was pretty vocal from what Billy said about that he was going to get revenge. He was very vocal. I mean, Bill, don't you remember? Like, he took out ads in the paper. They were effusive and contained a number of drawings that I have yet to forget. Right? I mean, and there's one point where he knew that people stopped reading the ads because of how many he was taking out. So, he bought the front page. His newspaper is like all ads. All ads.

It's all the same ad. Well. Then it sounds like you are pretty much up to speed. Almost accidentally, it would seem. What happened when you fought Razortaz? Well, let's just say I gave as good as I got. Well, no. Actually, he gave a lot more. But I gave a good amount. We faced off on the edges of the Sunwise. And he bested me in battle. And he took off into the fields. But not before I was able to get this. And he reaches, like, into his waistband and pulls out. A metal sheath tusk. Wow. Cool.

The trophy that I took that day came at great personal cost. Humiliation. In the face of a pig. The worst of kinds. Flashback to mudpocalypse. Getting thrown off a hog. Getting his face pushed in the mud by a pig. Billy flapping in the wind. The camera cuts back to, like, the fight. That Wild Bill had with Razortaz. And it's from an adult's perspective. And it looks hilarious. It's like a little guy fighting a pig. Ah! Ah! Squeal! Squeal!

I thought that if I could take out Razortaz, the lack of leadership that the pigs would have would cause their hordes to scatter. And allow us to use the ensuing chaos to make a push on the Pumpkin King's holdings. I still think that that might be the case. That might be the way. We either go after the pig, or we go after the king. Razortusk is elusive. And dangerous. And has those pigs under a sort of thrall I have not yet seen in the natural world. Oh yeah, we kind of saw that too.

Every time we even hurt them a little bit, they kind of, like, trot off. Yes. There it is. Difficult for me to know at this point if that is a magical effect of some kind. An enchantment? Some sort of dark pig? Pig magic? Do you think with your intimate knowledge of Razortusk, I wouldn't call it a friendship, but a kinship even. A grudging respect. A unwilling appreciation. A sexual tension of sorts. I just wanted to say that. That's not true. He doesn't say that. He does say that.

No, he doesn't. No, I'm not. I do not feel sexual attraction to that pig. How could I? I am a halfling man. I believe that I and Razortusk will be fighting until the world itself ends. I understand attraction that can't be explained. He turns away. And the thing that Paul didn't say is that Vig looks at Chuck and gives him an up and down. And then he's kind of like… Billy is very uncomfortable on the set. Yeah. Chuck doesn't notice. He's like literally like…

He's like, I'm just taking food out of his teeth. Yeah. A bit of Mitch in there. Do you think you could use your connection with Razortusk to get an audience with him? We would have to find him first. He is elusive. How have you contacted him in the past? I have not. How have you drawn his mire? I have tracked him in the fields, in the glades, in the mudlands, in the flats of the valley. I have tracked him tirelessly. What do you think he wants with these lands? What does any pig want? Produce.

Then produce he shall have. Slash to the Pumpkin King's horde. Mounds. Mounds of vegetables rotting in the sun. You couldn't be saying… No, you wouldn't dare suggest we ally with Razortusk? I think it's a possibility. Okay. Sigh. I mean, that way we weaken the possibility. Sigh. Sigh. Pumpkin King. We get back the lands. No, I cannot. No, hold on. But then we also funnel all the pigs into one spot. Makes them weaker. Bill, I think you miscalculate the pigs.

I think you thought chaos would weaken them, but I think it gave them strength. They've run amok. The fields are a mess. They're everywhere. They might be the most frightening things I've ever seen. Tux says, he's silhouetted by fire. He's looking… He's looking… He's looking in the fire. Yeah. He's looking… He's got his hand up on a window. Yeah. But it's the outside… Tux definitely can't fit in here, so he's been talking through a window like the giraffe in the Big Friendly Giant.

He's not actually in the room. He's just been sticking his head through a window. He can't… He can really only be in the common, like, courtyard. Uh-huh. So his head is just… Is in there. Like the thing earlier when they thought he was putting his shoes on purpose and walking around on his knees. He was just doing that practically. And everyone's like, hey, you being racist right now? No, no. I just want to be inside. And Tux goes, think about a pig's eyes. Is there like a dog's eyes? Dead.

Like a dog's eyes. I've never seen pigs like these, Wild Bill. There are no pigs like these. These pigs move faster than any pig I've ever seen. As if under a spell. Yeah. A curse. A curse. An influence beyond their delicious skin. Yeah. Do we roll for this? Yeah. Should we Spout Lore on like… What this influence is? Yeah. Yeah. I guess it would be spelled lore. Yeah. Yeah. So you go. No, you go. You're holding them. I'm so stupid, though. I am also stupid. Okay. I can do it. Yeah, yeah.

I can do it. Two to six plus intelligence. Have I ever heard anything about these pigs? This pig magic. This would not… It would be… Yeah. It would be like, is there anything that you can think of that might… I can. Connect. Oh. Well, let's see how this Spout Lore goes. Do you want to Spout Lore? Okay. Doodle. Okay. I can think of something, but you roll it. No, you're so excited to. Jess, let me just get this straight, what's about to happen. Yeah.

I'm going to Spout Lore, and if I succeed, you get to tell me what you're thinking. Great. All right. Okay, cool. Give her a hundred bucks. Yeah. Yeah. $100 cash. I'll give you $100 cash. Tuck goes into like anime mode. What do you mean by anime mode? He's thinking. Yeah. Back on his anime sash. I put my anime sash on, and then I look up at the moon, and I see Allison's face in it. Okay. It's like really glossy eyes are slightly quivering. They do a little sparkle. Yeah.

And Sean literally just yawned. No, no, no. I was trying to think, and then I felt it coming up, and I was like, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. Don't do it. Okay. Here we go. Okay. Here we go. He puts his bandana on, and he goes into his… It's his mind palace. Okay. And he's eating a Hawaiian pizza, which has ham on it, and he hopes that it will impart knowledge on him. Yeah.

And he's sitting across from a shaman, Tuck, who is preparing the pineapple pizza, and it's just like, you gotta feel the ham. Understand the ham. Understand how it twins with the pineapple. Understand the ham, and you will be the ham. Uh, Tuck. Okay. Okay. Minus one. I have a negative one, so I have a nine. Nine. Someone aid me. Oh, I aid him. We can make this an unmitigated success. Do it. Oh, I aid him. Okay. So 2D6 plus bond. All right. Nine. Nine. Holy shit. So that makes it a 10.

These dice are insane. Yeah. Yeah. So something interesting and useful. Do we think this is a magical influence that Razortusk has on the pigs? Yes. And I think the clue is in the tusk. Yeah. Yeah. We looked down at the metal tusk that Wild Bill… Yeah, it's sitting on top of the piano. Whoa. I touch it. Is anything happening? You feel like cold, rusty metal. Feels cold. Feels rusty. You see, like, nails are driven through the metal of the sheath to, like, asphyx the blade to the tusk itself.

Oh, fuck. Ooh, what do the nails made out of? Also metal. Wow. Wow. Maybe Razortusk, because he was, like, a dwarven war pig? Like, he had some kind of magic cast on him that allowed him to control, like, other war swine. And so is this, Spell Lord, this is coming from a precedent that Tuck knows exists? Like, this is a thing that has happened in the past? Yeah, I think it was… It was sort of, like, in the portrait, the breaking of the chain.

It's, like, all of the animals running together, like, under control of the wizards. I see. Maybe he's wearing that same armor? Yes. Because it was armored animals that, like… Mm-hmm. That the elves were riding? Yeah. Yeah. And the same way that, like, a pig left to the wilds will revert into a wild boar. Uh-huh. So his influence on the gentle pigs of this area, of the Halfling Lands, which are, like, gentle beasts of burden… Yeah. …is transforming them into war pigs. Totally. I see, yeah.

So cool. I like this. And it's maybe imbued in the armor itself. Yeah, I was gonna say, maybe it's, like, what jogs the memory in Tuck is that he's looking at the armor on the tusk, and he sees, like, the designs kind of… Yeah. …embossed into it. Like… Yeah. …not runes, because they're dwarves or gnomes or whatever, like, hill dwarves are called. Mm-hmm. But it is a similar sort of thing. It's, like, magic armor. And Tuck pulls out the metal greave that was made out of the moon steel…

Uh-huh. …and he puts it next to it, and the symbols are the same. Oh! Maybe because, like, the kind of magic that imbues, like… Objects. Objects with, like, battle capabilities is, like, that it comes from the same wizard. Cool. So it's, like, the same guy carved this and designed this as the tusk. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Maybe, yeah, it's, like, a dwarven wizard who was, like, a smith. Oh, that's… That makes so much sense! Yeah. That's really cool. Yeah.

Who, like, innovated a sort of enchanted armor technique. It's a kind of, like, magical metallurgy. Yeah. Or, like, metalsmithing. Bing shows the gauntlet, because he gave one to… Oh! Yeah! And it's of the same… Yeah. It's of the same… Yeah. …the same design. Totally. Okay. I had a picture of Razortusk going to the edge of the Widdershins and dipping in for a drink. Mm-hmm. And his tusks go under the water, and, like, you see its influence… Oh, the magic.

…going, like, in either direction. Oh, cool. And, like, far off, you see, like, a pig down at the water's edge, and then, like… Like, lift its head. Let it head up and, like… Yeah. And start trotting towards… Yeah. Jump, jump, jump. And the… Maybe it's a thing where it's, like, when the enchanted metal on his tusks, like, dips into the water… Mm-hmm. …the direction of flow changes… Ooh, I like that.

…because it's, like, whatever the enchantment that is on this water is, like, momentarily disrupted. That's very cool. It's kind of like iron filings around a magnet. Ooh. Yeah. Sweet. I like it. Yeah. So does Tuck share this thought? I guess it was, like, a silent realization that the group had. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Where, like, Tuck threw his thing down, and Ving showed his, and everyone was like, oh, fuck. Yeah. So we all understand. So what we… We have to rid Razortusk of all his armor.

Don't we? Oh, yeah. That's gotta be one of the… Oh, wow. That's gotta be the thing that stops this from happening all the time. Yeah. It would also, like, free him from the influence that he's been under this whole time. Yeah. Because it feels like his… Like, it has been corrupted in some way. Mm-hmm. So if we use the Pumpkin King's food hoard to draw all the pigs, including Razortusk, together… Oh, yeah.

…we could, like, round them up and also, like, get Razortusk and, like, remove the armor. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And it would also have the added benefit of destroying the food hoard that Jack is depending on. Yeah. We'll strip Jack of his power because he's abusing it. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And it will, like, democratize the food again. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I like this. I like this plan. We'll essentially depose him. We'll, like, reveal him for, like, the charlatan he is. Yeah.

That he can't protect them. Mm-hmm. Because that's why Birdie and Birdo were into him. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Because he offered stability. Mm-hmm. Cool. Wild Bill takes all this in. He's but a simple halfling. He's not as worldly or as traveled as you three. He's not as familiar with enchantments or corrupting magics or anything like that, but he- Or Hawaiian pizza. Or Hawaiian pizzas. He's very curious about now.

So you're saying the saltiness of the ham complements the sweetness of the pineapple. Tell me again the flavors of this pine apple? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. But doesn't the tomato sauce lend a strange acidity to it? You'd think so, but yes. Sometimes. And then Tuck leans forward through the window that he's in, and he tries to wedge his arm through so he can put an arm on Wild Bill's shoulder. Uh-huh.

And he goes, sometimes there's sweetness in strangeness. And then he goes to pull back, and he realizes he's stuck in the window. Oh, shit. Ah, fuck. Oh, fuck. A little grease? A little grease? So as you're stuck half in, half out of this halfling honky-tonk bar, Wild Bill looks thoughtfully at the tusk on the piano, says, if it is the enchantment of the armor that's driving Razor Tusk's influence, perhaps now that I have removed a portion of that armor, his influence is weakened in some way.

Or perhaps we can use the armor to find Razor Tusk himself, if it is a set that calls to its partners. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I would like the communion of whispers with the tusk and the armor. Yeah. Nice. Does that make sense? I think so. In this land? Yeah, to see him? Yeah. Or just to see if there's any connection. Yeah. If there's a slight pull back towards its armored brothers. Yeah. Like a compass.

It probably would be, and I mean, it still makes sense, communing with the tusk rather than the armor, because you've tried to commune with objects before and failed. Okay. But you've got the inorganic and the organic here. You've got it all. You've got all the pieces. Okay, great. I'll commune with the land. Spend time in a place making note of its resident spirits. Roll plus wisdom. Seven plus wisdom is ten. Oh, because you changed it to a three. That's amazing. Wow. Okay.

So on a ten plus with communion of whispers. Vision is clear and helpful. Okay. So you tell me what you see. I see rolling green grass. Oh. Oh. And space for all to live. And a flooding of the land. Rising of the water seemingly out of nowhere. And pigs coming in from all places. It seems like they're acting together, but they're coming from disparate areas. Mm-hmm. The skies darken. Mm-hmm. Fruit rots on the trees in the wrong time of the year. Birds are leaving. Babies crying. Okay.

A man peeing. May it be the evening light. And as you're watching this vision of this beautiful, bountiful land turn and become sick and dark, you feel in your hands where you hold the tusk, you feel it start to spin. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Move and pull, staying in the direction that it is pointing. Oh, cool. You feel the tusk calling to the bones in which it was born. Hmm. Nice. Wow. It wishes to return.

A compass tusk. Tusk. Tux. Cut. Tuck here. Hold this. This is now. Tux. Compass tusk. It's my compass tusk. And Wild Bill sees this. He sees Ving return. This strange figure. Large, lanky, draped in furs, long gray hair, gills. Walking on his knees. Walking on his knees and going, I'm so short. He dropped the voice early on. Tuck is like. He could tell the voice was too far. Tuck in his head. He's just like, it seems like they're fine with it, but it seems really. It's not okay.

Ving put his wild hair on top. I've got wild hair. This is a little moss scarf. And, um. Holding this tusk and giving it to Tuck. And just kind of, you can see him taking in the three of you. Who you are, what you do, what you've overcome. And he's just in awe. He says, I think an end to this madness has come. Tuck tries to pull himself out of the window and pulls the window out of the side of that. He's just got a window frame around his arms. Do we want to cut forward to the morning, perhaps?

Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And the crows, do we think that they're coming with you or do you think that this is like, we can trust these guys in Wild Bill to get this done? Actually, let's have a conversation about this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's the right time for us to be like, okay, what's the plan? Yeah, there's enough moving pieces. Yeah.

So we know we're going to use Razortusk and his connection with the pigs to fuck up the food hoard at Lone Tree Hill. To lead them to there or to get them to go there? Yeah. So we have to expose his grocery pile, basically? Yeah. Or at least tear down the walls of his barricade. Totally. And to do that, we have to infiltrate. I think we should bring a bunch of the crows with us and act like we've turned them over to the Pumpkin King side. Right, that's okay.

So the plan is first to go to the Pumpkin King and get his food hoard. Yeah. So we overthrow him first and then we bring the pigs in? Yeah. Or do we want to use the pigs to overthrow him? Yeah, is there any way that we could get him, convince him to expose his hoard to the pigs? That's another option. Somehow, yeah. We're bringing in hostages.

We could say that Wild Bill in his absence is losing, like the crows are losing fealty because their leader Wild Bill isn't here because they're still trying to keep him secret. Oh, yeah. Right? So we can use his so-called absence as a trick. Trick. We could do a Trojan horse kind of thing. Oh, fun, yeah. Where we show up and Bird and Birdie vouch for us and then we say, we've turned all of these crows but we hide Wild Bill within the ranks of these loyal crows. Totally.

Bill, are you willing to shave off your mustache? For the Everwood Valley, I would do anything. Okay, so then the plan is to go to Lone Tree Hill. I think so, yes. Yes. We don't have a plan for when. We don't have a plan for when we get there because I also believe we can just overtake it. Again, maybe we're being a little dismissive. Yeah, we can just go in there and knock down the wall. I feel he's also being the one dismissive. Yeah. He's like, no, they're stupid. Yeah.

Also because you know Jack. You remember Jack. I do. And he's like a huge coward. That's why he's got all these walls up. Yeah. But he also is like a really bad fence builder. He tried that for a while. He just like doesn't have the heart. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because I think what we realize with the, the revelations about Razor Tusk's like armor and the influence of his, of his armor, like seeping into the waters and the fields is that he's the real threat. Yeah.

Jack is more like playing at being a threat. Right. Okay. Because if you take out Jack, but only Jack, then Razor Tusk and his magic and all that kind of stuff are still ruining the Everwood. Still a problem. So we use, so we, we break into Lone Tree Hill, overthrow Jack. Yeah. Take control of his food hoard and use that to draw in Razor Tusk. Yes. And while he's so distracted by the big old pile of groceries, we jump on him and get his armor off. Yeah.

And then free the Halfling Lands from the generations of hogpocalypse that they've had to endure. This might end the hogpocalypse for good. Yeah. Yeah. And then Tuck is like, all right, question here. Do you want me to just straight up kill this pig? If it comes to it, yes. Is there a plan to, free the pig or just murder him? As much as I've come to despise this pig, if what you say is true, he may not be in his right mind. That's true.

And also you're kind of in love with him from what I remember yesterday. I wouldn't call it love more like a raw animal attraction. That's complicated. But no, sorry, I gotta be clear. This is not sexual. I find him to be a fierce competitor and a vicious rival. But also enchanting. Enchanted, I think I said. I said enchanted. Sorry, Bill. He gulps really loud. Very well. Then I will return momentarily. Changed forever. It will grow back.

And Bill comes back later on with a wide, floppy straw hat and an obscuring cloak and a shorn face. And a shorn face. A giant white eyebrows. Giant white eyebrows. Wait, did you just… Wait. You cannot ask me to get rid of the hairs as well. All right, Bill. All right, man. That's your stash, pal. He looks like an alien from Star Wars. Yeah. And the crows gathered up outside the gates with their secret hidden leader, Wild Bill. One of them was like, what's the deal with those eyebrows?

And Bill beat the fuck out of them. And everyone understood. Don't ask about the eyebrows. The crows gathered outside the gate with their secret hidden leader, Wild Bill, and their three new compatriots head off into the mudflats. And that's where we're going to end this episode. I've been your game master, Sean O'Hara. Joining me as always, playing Tacoma Dome, the barbarian, Abdul Aziz. So long, everybody. Playing Ving, the half-elf druid, Paul Hoppers. Take care.

I'm playing Fat Billy, the halfling thief, Jessica Tai. Bye, everyone. Thank you to all of our patrons out there, our supporters on Patreon. This show would not be possible without listeners and supporters like you.

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Thank you so much to Aaron Reid for our intro and outro music. And thank you most of all to all of you for listening. We'll see you next time. And so ends the tale of Adventures 3 Who tried the best they could Though dumb and scared and lost they be For time's abreast in revelry And though our journey may be like a conclusion We will not leave you without a resolution Return next week to hear some more Whilst you commute Or do your chores And for you I gladly spell poor