Episode 8 – Imperfect Strangers

Spout Lore is made possible by contributions from our listeners. If you'd like to support us, go to patreon.com slash Spout Lore. Gather round, friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes, noble and bold. A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old. You know them by name, you know them by deed. Their quests are famously daring. So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing. Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight.

Fingers half-elf, he shifts his shape and wields a spear with great might. Billy's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart. Best and brightest, they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts. So gather round, friends, and listen close. For the tale's about to start. Hello everybody and welcome to Spout Lore. I'm your game master, Sean O'Hara. Joining me as always, playing Tacoma Dome, the barbarian, Abdul Aziz. Hello everybody.

Playing Ving, the half-elf druid, Paul Oppers. Hello there. And playing Fat Billy, the halfling thief, Jessica Tai. Hello. When last we left our heroes, they had been united and in some cases reunited with wild, Bill, halfling survivalist, Sam Elliott impersonator, and leader of the freedom fighters known as the Crows. Yeah.

There was some tension at first as Billy tried to explain that he had returned to help the halfling lands and brought his friends with him and that they could all be of use in the battle to come. For only five gold coins a day. Oh, I forgot to ask for that. Oh yeah. Billy! I'm sorry. That's okay, here's a marble. You gotta stop leaving me in charge. Tuck told the story of the journey thus far using peck dancing and some flute accompaniment by Ving. I loved it so much I saw it in my head.

It's a new form of puppetry. It's incredible. The party convinced wild Bill that they would be of use to the dismay of Dorothy, halfling warrior and former betrayal target of Fat Billy all those many years ago in Mudlark. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. There's a problem.

Feast yeah bill told the party what the deal was that um there are two threats as we all know to the halfling lands currently jack wick aka the pumpkin king and razor tusk the war pig that has been apparently leading the hogs in their hog apocalypse while bill recently tracked down and did battle with razor tusk losing the fight but taking off one of razor tusks razor tusks in the battle using their brains wow and memories new what yeah this is I know pretty impressive the party connected designs imbued into razor tusks armor with the symbols on their own lunar steel armor recovered from lillian's tomb connecting them to a single dwarven smith wizard from back in the golden age determining also that razor tusk is incredibly powerful and is a very powerful weapon and is a very powerful weapon and is a very powerful weapon and is a very powerful weapon and is a very powerful weapon and is a very powerful to like one get the pigs down with combat and then also allow the pigs in the cavalry to work together totally but now it has spread to the wild pigs and then the plan was made to go to lone tree hill the fortress of the pumpkin king infiltrate get access to his food stores use those stores to attract razor tusk and end the threat to the everwood valley once and for all and that is where we find our heroes now marching through the mud flats through the desolation of the everwood valley sorry we have two of the crows with us you have a great number of crows a great number yes and among them wild bill shaving his handlebar mustache coming in disguise um but this is like the vast majority like they left a crew behind to watch the roost but this is sort of the plan get all the crows inside say they're prisoners whatever and then papa we do need birds and bird uh to vouch for us yeah and the whole way they've had their arms crossed in the baby born and they're like no yeah we're gonna parlay them into this you have to yeah I mean you did threaten to eat them I think I've threatened to eat them a couple of times I feel like it's kind of lost it if you were gonna eat us you would have done it I know I didn't follow through that's rule one of parenting and threatening is you have to follow through they've only seen you eat chickens what about could I could I use my summer fairy move oh yeah I was gonna actually I was gonna say the sun has risen all right does billy want to try and change his form no okay but billy rolls his fairy child yes oh one that's not good wait you rolled one d6 yes so isn't it two d6 yeah oh I mean plus your charisma and is that a d6 I think it's been like eight years yeah you six six an aid so somebody could potentially aid oh yeah yeah bing will aid okay bing is aiding by lifting him closer to the sun and giving him an airplane ride in the morning just like he likes 10 okay so that means billy gets a seven okay so I get three hold yes three hold can I use one to charm a small group or an individual for longer wait what sorry what's this what is this it's charm an individual for a short while and then you can charm a small group for a while but my summer move lets me charm either a small group or an individual for longer yes but are you but you did not change your season no but I'm just oh you have to turn into summer to use that I'm stupid you guys I thought I was a summer fairy and I forgot you forgot billy's been a spring fairy this whole time yeah oh my word so yeah billy is a spring fairy okay guys fucking delete this delete this whole way where's the delete button the one time jess was wrong we're keeping it in this is actually even more recorded now because we're doing video I do like that you slowly turned into an instagram girl like as you realized how wrong you had just been in the previous minute this is just his apology video I never thought I'd have to make this kind of video sorry something about my mental health I didn't know they always use that blah blah blah mental health stay tuned for a notes app screenshot brought to you by l'oreal fucking stupid stay tuned for that thing where I write a tweet even though it's too long but then I take a screen cap of the tweet and post that I post a photo of myself looking pretty hot but like unassuming and then a really long explanation underneath continuing comments yeah yeah affiliate links are in the description you better believe I'm you better believe I'm monetizing this video there's eight ads on this apology video check out my story tree this is my apology I'm stupid the end okay can I but I still do have so brave she's so brave she's so brave she's so brave she's so brave oh my god okay all right so billy's got three fairy fairy hold for the whole day for the whole day and I would like to use one right this second and are you turning into a summer fairy no okay I'm just confused okay I would like to charm an individual for a short while oh yeah I'll charm birdie because then he'll convince burda do I have to roll for it nope you just spend the point I just so you know I have two fairy hold I have two so burda is charmed uh-huh it's usually like glitter dust that farts out of your hand yeah I mean you know what ving airplanes me like a little airplane yeah and they're cinched into the bjorn yeah yeah and I just fart everywhere it's how we get the farts out you know when you burp a baby this is farting in the belly yeah you're kind of like squeezing my sides yeah I can't where's his hips I can't find his hips this kid doesn't have hips and birdie and burda are both like oh yeah but then burda is like oh pretty cute actually pretty cute that's a cute kid and I say burda what do you think you think this plan would work would you talk to the pumpkin king for us I mean he's pretty paranoid and like aren't you tired of dealing with him huh I am and birdie's like burda shut up shut up she's like shit these people if he was gonna eat us he would have eaten us by now that's true I haven't eaten you I'm kind of like a really good guy for not doing that I'm trying to make stockholm syndrome happen yeah he's like in his head he's like how do I make stockholm syndrome happen I haven't followed through with any of my threats you know I don't know what it is but the more that I'm held captive by these people the more I come I just can't I can't help the compulsion I really shouldn't tell you this but there's no way he's gonna be okay with all the crows coming in he's very paranoid you're gonna have to try and get him more on a one-to-one basis keep the crows nearby though because you're gonna need the help we'll make them hide by the compost pile yeah yeah by the compost pile that's a great idea could you use your fairy child to like get him to come in and help you with the compost pile make an illusion that they are just like compost I could maybe I disguise them as like an offering oh yeah the last of our potatoes oh yeah put them all in a cart and make them look like potatoes and what is the spring fairy oh yeah spring is I may convince create a convincing illusion without spending a hold okay so that's what I'll just do oh great yeah so billy's extra tricky when he's a spring fairy okay yeah all right so that's what I'll do and then uh burda kind of shakes her head a little bit after giving you all these ideas and this information is like hey hey hey wait a second bye uh and we're gonna do a perilous journey yeah to see what happens between here and lone tree hill totally all righty so somebody's got to scout ahead someone's got to navigate and if we're gonna stop long enough to eat someone will have to manage provisions I'll navigate by talking to the crows great I'll scout ahead there scout ahead is plus wisdom navigate is plus intelligence I got seven I got a six oh yeah so you're walking through the mud flats there are like farmhouses kind of scattered across the landscape mostly seem abandoned there are a couple like you see you'll walk past one and you'll see like curtains like oh and um you reach something you did not expect but you reach like a canyon oh maybe it's a canyon like formed out of things but what would it be hay bales yeah okay yeah like old equipment but like oh yeah oh maybe it's yeah it's like um a bunch of people tried to make barricades oh so they piled up like hay bales and carts and farm equipment and just like furniture so you're walking between tuck and vang it's not huge for you but billy there's these like towering walls of detritus that have been piled up and it kind of like like as you walk you can hear the wind shifting and all the piles of stuff like creaking against each other and all the crows are looking up fearfully you're all marching through this like for everybody else except for you two this like towering seemingly 50 60 foot high piles of old barricade that are create this winding chasm the crows up ahead you guys are kind of in the middle near the back almost of the marching order and a younger crow more inexperienced like walk is just like mystified by the wind and the wind is like oh my god I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die pile of stuff and walks up and like see something shining in the in the debris oh no and walks out and like reaches out to going in a boo oh my god you fool of a crow idiot and as he touches it you hear like rumble rumble rumble and then the walls start to fall in oh no so these huge piles of this crushing wave of debris is coming down on the group the cave of wonders yeah it is the cave of wonders yeah it is the cave of wonders yeah it is the cave of wonders yeah it is the cave of the cave of wonders yeah it is the cave of wonders yeah it is the cave of wonders yeah it is the cave of nothing but the lamp okay so tuck uh he like notices this start to happen like all of these things collapsing down and he's like no billy's gonna get really hurt so he runs forward and like picks up billy and actually he tries to pick up as many halflings as possible right as he runs a bunch of puppies flopping around and I feel like halflings have the same kind of skin to flesh connection right puppies have where it's just kind of loose it's loose and soft all the time so they can move their arms and legs around inside their skin okay so can I uh what is I want to do that and then start running to get through the canyon uh well first it would be like the speed with which you would scoop everybody up react in time to get people so 2d6 plus dexterity okay here we go so that's four amazing so then you see tuck like barrel forward trying to grab billy and uh he bends down just far enough that he's kind of like bent at the waist and these the two sides of this canyon and stuff just fall down on top of tuck and everybody kind of disappears from view there's a gaggle of halflings behind you that are still uncovered but a bunch of people just got covered by a bunch of discarded equipment what do you do I'm gonna use call of nature to call upon the element at hand and I want that element to be old furniture and stuff is that possible because they're made out of wood and iron yeah I mean they are made out of the elements great and I want to make a giant stag out of this stuff to get up out of the way oh pretty cool so 2d6 plus wisdom I think yeah 13 whoa he just yells out and then and then out of the yell yeah did somebody ask for help and everyone's sitting in the room and they're like uh antlers all the halflings are sitting in his antlers and tucks like all of a sudden on the back of this big furniture elk yeah great so it creates like a bus almost yeah people just have like chairs and stuff they're sitting in now my neighbor totoro yeah the cat bus kind of scenario yeah so there's a huge rumbling and clattering as all of this furniture builds on itself the sound waves of your cry for help pushing the furniture into this beautiful form of a vintage antique store elk yeah how big is this elk it's quite big yeah yeah big enough for tuck to like ride comfortably yeah yeah as well as all the halflings yeah 20 feet tall at the top of his horn antlers all right that's a big elk yeah everybody hop on look at all the fine teak furniture I am constructed of furniture yes that's a butter churn back there can you believe it all the halflings are just like going to touch and look at everything because they love mid-century modern halflings love antiques yeah a butter churn get out of my way move it are those fabergé oh don't touch those chuck is sitting in a rattan chair oh I like that yeah yeah oh we had talked about disguising the halflings as a pile of potatoes should we just put them inside of this thing and then gift it literally trojan horse it's a trojan elk it's a different whole different thing 100 I think that's what we should do so now you are in this furniture elk we see this beautiful creature made of this beautiful mid-century modern furniture rattling down the road the height of this thing keeps you out of the mud the going's a little bit slow just because it's got to like pull itself out of the mud and there's a lot more places for mud to get stuck because instead of just a solid leg it's a little bit more of a it's like a chair and a step ladder a chest of drawers actually now that you think about it there's probably a bunch of stuff like squirreled away in this thing because people were just hiding stuff oh my god loot can we loot this you can definitely search for it you can look around discern realities yes discern realities would be great yeah do it 2d6 plus wisdom 11 fuck oh three questions okay but here is useful or valuable to me are we looking for loot is that what we're doing yeah I think so or whatever always something cool yeah stuck all I can find is these oversized coca-cola bottle caps God, I antique store shit.

I found a dancing trout. A big mouth Billy Bass? Yeah. Okay, so what kind of stuff do you think Billy's looking for? Because I can imagine a lot of scenarios where Billy is digging through a box of stuff and is pulling out, oh, gold, not interested, or diamonds, not interested. I don't know what I'm looking for. I know the stuff I like. How about I read off a couple things and you can tell me if Billy would keep them. And if he says no, nobody gets them.

He throws them in the mud and they're lost forever. A terribly written novel whose plot seems to match the events that have happened in the reader's life. Where the book matches everything from the reader's life? Yeah, it just seems to be, I mean, to Billy's look, it's a book. Yeah, gone. Yeah, Billy's not interested. A set of five dice with elemental symbols and primordial runes instead of pips or numbers. Can't read, bye. Can't read, can't count.

A wooden training sword covered in bells and red and black swatches of fabric. It would be more suited to a jester than a soldier in training. Oh. Oh. I love that. Yes. This is what Billy keeps is a jingly sword covered in fabric. Wow. And Billy's like doing like swashbuckly moves. And he's like, look, look what I got. Tuck, from your rattan chair, you look, you hear jingling and you look up and Billy's like half out of a chest of drawers with a jingly sword. And Tuck looks up from his bag.

And he's rummaging around him. And he's like, Billy, did you find my custom dice, Ted? Has anyone seen my diary? Jingle, jingle. It's like when somebody, you like try really hard to not have annoying toys in your house for your kid. And then somebody buys them the loudest, most annoying thing for their birthday. Cool, this is going to be great for stealth. I'm going to practice all the time, you guys. I think better have batteries we can take out. Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle. Yeah.

Yeah. It's red and black and very like checkered and colorful. And yeah, covered in bells. I'll write this down. My treasure. So you have two more questions. Do you guys want to ask a question? What heater is not what it appears to be? Oh, that's a good question. Like why was it? Why was there a barricade? Yeah. Very good question. What was it barricading from? Yeah. Oh. What is rushing to meet where the barricade was? A flood. A flood. A flood. A flood. A pig flood. Oh, it's not even like it's.

Pigs riding the flood. A hog slide. Oh, no. A hog slide. Yeah. It's not even like charging pigs. It's just like a roiling mass of pigs that are approaching doing their own thing. Yeah. Billy's got his binoculars out. Like, what are they doing? I've never seen the move like that. Yeah. As you reach the point where the barricade ended, you see that like you've reached a point where there are still a good number of healthy. E crops. Oh. Mm. So you're like, oh, great. There's some corn.

There's some squash. There's like actual vegetables here that are still growing and they seem healthy. And then why were they barricading their own crops? Unless. The ground. They were trying to keep something out of the crops. We turn around. A wall of porcine flesh. Oh, no. Not interested in you in the slightest, but you can see Billy through your binoculars. You can see in their eyes. The only thing they have eyes for is corn. No. Oh, shit. And the elk turns back and goes, well, this is.

Oh, no. And it starts to like try and hurry up. You can feel like the rumbling in the furniture. Is it trying to strain? But its legs are sinking deeper and deeper into the earth. The soft ground saturated with what we have learned is now magical. Water is becoming particularly difficult for the elk to remove itself from the hog slide approach. What do you do? We have one more question, right? Yes, you do have one more question. I guess we should be on the lookout for. That's a good one.

Yeah, I would say that the most obvious is a way to stem the tide, a way to distract them away from the corn that they so desperately desire. I could try and scare them away. I could do like a war cry or something. Cool. That is true. You could try and scare them off somehow. All right. So Tuck says, Don't worry, I've dealt with this kind of thing before. So. So. A couple of the crows turn to each other and go, What is he talking about? I was a bouncer. I'm used to this.

One time, insane cloud posse planet bar. I believe the hordes I had to repel. Have you ever had to, like, push Fred Durst out of your bar? Pretty much this. It's the same thing. Okay. Do you six plus? Here we go. 14. Okay. Oh, my God. Yeah. So everybody gets a plus one forward in dealing with this threat. And also they react accordingly. So describe this scene for me. Yeah. Tuck just gets out. He jumps down and he, like, huge spray of mud as he hits the ground. Yeah. That's sick. Yeah.

And then Tuck, like, starts running towards them, like Hulk running. Yeah. And then as he's running, he goes, You have to stay to the side. The lineups against the building. I'm sick. Single file. Please. Not you. You're cool. Yeah. Not you. You can't come in with those shoes. You're not allowed to wear a hat. It's disrespectful to the dancers. That was a rule at bar. No hats inside. It depended on the performance. That makes sense. And then as I meet the first one, you see, it goes slow motion.

And then, like, Tuck, like, he uses a move that he learned from dealing with the Insane Clown Posse, and where he, like, drops his shoulder and then, like, kneels down. And then as soon as the first pig makes contact, he, like, pops up really fast. And then it starts flipping end over end into the air. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Great. And that scares the pigs around that pig. Yeah. Against all odds, do not want to fly. And they start to just, like, roadblock each other. Yeah.

They pile up above you, like, way over your head, this pile of pigs begins to form. From their perspective, Daryl, who is the leader of the group, disappeared. The pig's name is Daryl? Yeah. Okay. And Daryl's flying through the air, and he's looking at the sky careening above him and thinking, how did I get here? I was going to be a dentist. It's like sky, ground, sky. Yeah. He keeps going up. He just continues. Gaining momentum. He's going faster. Oh, my God. Into the sky.

We see him leave the atmosphere. We can hear the other ones go, Alfa Daryl. We see him leave the atmosphere of the planet, and the stars surround him, a velvety blanket of night. A little ching in the sky. A little star is created. One million years from now, he sails past his home. Yeah. Yeah. He's in a nebula. He thinks, I've seen so much of this universe. I feel as if I am at one with it. And then he sees a star approaching, and he's pulled into its orbit. Oh, my God.

And as he's drawn towards the burning fusion core, he thinks, finally. Before he is stretched infinitely thin. Becoming one with the string of the universe. And then pops out in our universe. Yeah. Then he's back at the front of the pigs, and no time has passed. He's like, what the fuck was that? And then Tuck pops in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh my gosh. And so it was on for eons forever and ever.

Daryl becomes the wisest being in the universe. This is canon. Part of what made this happen was because like Tuck is like a metaphysical entity that is strange in the universe because he knows his own end point. Right. So the way that fate interacts with him is maybe weird sometimes. And then the cartoonness of the halfling lands is creating like weird mixes of because it's also like fairy magic and like whatever Tuck is. So Tuck, you run towards this group of pigs.

You start to drop your shoulder using a move that you learned from the insane clown posse. From dealing with the insane clown posse. I was not in it. It was. I was not. I cannot say this enough times. I was not in the insane clown posse. I've only ever had one family. People keep. Thinking I was in the insane clown posse. I don't know, man. Sounds like you're in the ICP. And it's not from dealing with the insane clown posse's fan base. No, it's them. It was from dealing with them.

Shaggy too dope. And the other guy, Violent J. The other guy. But this like great boulder of pig flesh has been formed. And the flow, Billy and Ving, you can see this from the back of the furniture elk. You see it break against in a great wave. And the waters are diverted. There's sort of a current of pigs formed in either direction in this massive flood of hogs goes elsewhere. And the corn is safe. And all the crows begin to applaud on top of the elk, seeing this incredible feat of strength.

But while Bill goes, he smells the air. What is it? They've only been scared for now. They will return. We have to keep moving. How do you know that? You deal with pigs. Long enough. You learn their ways. Up on big guy. I get back into the retention. Okay. He leans down and like, does the one hand pulls up, you know, pulls him on the back. Yeah. Wait, you do that. Ving does from on top of the, on top of the elk. You know, he sings this. We just like gallop aside. Yeah. And then.

But the way you pull me up, you put me behind you. Yeah. And his hands stop resisting. His hands gently snake around your waist to secure themselves. So yeah, I just put my hand. It's around Ving's waist. Yeah. And I hide. I ride behind him for a bit. All right. Nothing here. Probably. I'm not aroused. If he's not around, if he becomes aroused, things are going to be different very soon. And the journey continues.

The furniture elk rattling along, accompanied by the jingling, this unceasing jingling of bells. Just turn into a reindeer. Yeah. Wow. Oh my God. Stop. Yeah. It's just whacking it against stuff. It's tiring being such a good warrior. Billy's coming up with the names for these moves. This one is eternity. Stab. Whoa. Eternal stab. Oh my God. Eternal stab. Eternal. This one is honorable stab. Oh, it just went up. Okay. Yeah. We were waiting for the other. But it just goes up.

This one is secret stab. Oh my God. That's when we learned that the wooden part of the knife was just a sheath. Oh my God. Oh, fuck. It's just a blade. It's a real blade. The blade is decorative. Great. Then you continue through the day. The sun begins, like continues to rise in the sky. The methane fumes of a million of us. One million hog asses creating a beautiful tapestry of color. Oh. Oh. How long do we think the journey takes to launch? 45 minutes. Yeah.

I feel like it's like a 45 minute thing. Then about 30 minutes. It's like driving from here to Costco is how long it is. Okay. Yeah. So about 30 minutes pass and you start hearing. The biggest grocery store in the area. Yeah. It's that's what. That's what we're doing. We're going to Costco. We're going to Costco. We're going to Costco. And a Dodge Grand Caravan. Yeah. That's the elk's name is Dodge. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's great. Okay. Well, I think we're coming up on Lone Tree Hill.

I think that's what you said. The place was called. Thank you. I can see quite a distance from up here and they are freaking out. Like how? What are they doing? Well, the thing is, is I'm a 20 foot tall elk made out of discarded furniture and farm equipment and anyone would be afraid of that. So what do you want to do? So the plan was to use this as like a Trojan horse kind of thing, but it's walking there. We could add it.

If the Trojan horse was a real moving horse, that would have not worked at all. Whoa. Holy fucking shit. Wait. So should I stop moving? Yes. They have seen us. They've seen me. What if you and Ving get out and like pretend to pull this? Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Principality and this is like an offering because we've heard of the great pumpkin king yes yes our our princeps have sent us to make contact with the great leader known as the pumpkin king yeah birdie burda you got that you got that hello oh right yeah yeah yeah yeah we've got that wait a second hey get over here their charm is worn off yeah get over here we're still I can't we can't move we're in a baby oh right I'll get over here no barely say that to tux I have to lean down really really low you have to bend down further okay can I threaten them absolutely you can okay do I have to roll this threaten them uh yeah it's usually like a charisma kind of thing seven partial success I'll fucking kill you wow there was no subtext what a threat oh fuck it you as far as threats go pretty effective birdie burda think about it you're gonna be walking in there with a bunch of soldiers and if you want to go against us tuck here is gonna eat you so fast he's gonna chomp so hard and chew so much you're not even gonna you're not even gonna feel it but you are gonna feel it because like he's gonna make sure you feel it and tuck in his head he's like I've for sure set a bad example here I think he's looking at tuck with eyes wide open you see what your words have done you see the way you talk around him yeah so what you know what you gain from this what you glean from this information with the seven to nine is they will play their part in trying to get you inside no telling how they're going to react once you are past the but they know they know we'll kill them yeah there's they seem pretty like does billy mean this like I think billy thinks he'll kill them okay yeah the sword is kind of taking over right now yeah billy takes the little sword the jangly sword and he like does like the slit across the next thing with the dull side that's what I'll do to to you he does two fingers points to you to you great that's a good move uh okay then they eyes are wide they go all right okay all right calm down billy does the thing that kids do where they try and layer it on with like weirder threads yeah they're like I'll stab you in the butt with it I'll stab you so far in the butt you'll never get out of it you'll never have a poop again and and then and then you'll be like you so covered in poop and then I'll be like haha I'll chase you around with your own just muttering tips just walking as you guys continue on billy's walking next to tuck continuing the utter threats that's so funny it's basically threatening you at this point in tuck's head he's like oh wow I'm a bad dad this kid's out of his fucking mind he's out of control today I this is my own me this is basically like a full side real sword it could do so much damage it'll go all the way through you all the way through you and then sometimes the things you say are really fucked up yeah I wonder what it would look like on the other side of you uh so you basically get like a hundred meters away from lone tree hill yeah billy has cast an illusion on the crows yeah okay so you're like oh my god I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die like transporting food on this I see that's the story exotic potatoes yes there's like it's constructed like a horn of plenty out of the out of part some of the shit but there's there's a horn of plenty that goes into its butt yeah yeah dodge goes you can cut that out it's so funny and yeah so you hear like a bunch of horns well you hear a bunch you see a bunch of halflings put horns to their mouths and go hey they're talking into the horns who goes there being the mimes pulling on rains and the elk comes to a stop and I'm gonna pretend to be your servant okay okay all right who goes there it is us the arcanicons from big city place and I'm but a mild servant shut up I'll do the talking you don't I don't know my place I'm but a stupid brute you'll learn your place you'll learn the back of my hand not again master not again he leans his hand up and the halfling on the on the wall goes whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa and we cast an eye back at him there's no need for all this please help me jesus christ we came into this so extra bills yeah we're acting this shit yeah bill on the back wild bill bill on the back like glamored to look like a potato is like what the fuck do they do this is one of the younger girls is like no no no let them finish we bring sustenance and entertainment and billy uh comes out with his little sword and like does a trick his eye the world trainedest clown in all the land trainedest yes okay let him let him do his pitch let him do his pitch okay so a big mechanical elk some potatoes and a little clown boy we are what you would call a circus of old days from before the exodus we bring food in exchange for your applause all right we're doing a circus now I like the way this is going totally forgot ving decided that the plan is you're a circus all the time yes yes stuck up in his character yes And then Tuck tries to salvage it.

He goes, My lord! We were sent from… Vig has his hand raised to the level. Vig raises it to hear me. He's like, wait a second. No, I should hear him out. Hear him out. We were sent as a gift from the princeps of the Firefields Principality. To entertain you. They have heard of the greatness of Jack Wick. Or as they now call him, the Pumpkin King. And you look around and there are stakes all around Lone Tree Hill with rotting pumpkins carved into grimacing jack-lantern faces.

And the banners of the Pumpkin King adorn the makeshift walls. Someone's gonna have to roll a parlay. 2d6 plus charisma. Of course the offer is… Oh. We bring you entertainment. In the form of a world-renowned circus containing the smallest clown that has ever lived. The smallest, most trainedest clown. The smallest, most trainedest clown. The most trainedest clown that has ever lived. He's a knife jester. Yeah. He's a knife jester. And also we come as like a gift from another world leader.

Yeah, one of the principalities. An established nation. We're feeding into his ego. Totally. We have come to be awash in the limelight that is the Great Wick. Mm-hmm. The brightest light in these lands. I got a five. God damn it. Okay, so I think they're like, Uh, one moment. Let us go and confer with our liege. And he disappears. And you're all stuck standing around there for a while. And you hear from the back of the elk, Hey. Shut up. Hey. What? What the hell are you doing? Where?

Improvising. Exactly. Improvise? There was a plan. Yeah. Don't worry about the plan. It will still happen. Probably. Probably. Our experience is that no plan works. Half as good as chaos. No plan survives contact with us trying to remember the plan. Just no plan survives contact. No plan survives. No plan. No plan. No plan. No plan. No plan. No plan. No plan. No plan. No plan. No plan. No plan. No plan. No plan. No. Nope. No plan. We just make plan for fun. Yeah. We don't mean plan.

Legitimately, as a duo, we literally made seven different plans on the walk here. On the way here. Yeah, totally. That's true. A plan is something you make on the way to coming up with the end. Great. So probably like 15 minutes later, the guard returns. To describe the guards of Lone Tree Hill, he's got the tabard, the tabard with the pumpkin, the jack-o'-lantern drawn on it. Yeah.

And then he has like a wooden bucket, but the slats over the eyes have been broken out to create this little helmet with the nose bridge. So cool. Very cute. And then he's got a little pitchfork and his big horn that he's yelling at you through. Arlise, the pumpkin king, has denied you entrance into Lone Tree Hill, but will allow you to set up your carnival outside the walls. What say you? We must confer. One moment. We huddle. Yeah.

And Bill, the potato, Bill is a potato, goes, oh, that'll work. Okay. Okay. That'll work. Okay. Because we can set up out here and then the town will kind of be all distracted because they'll come out and they'll do the carnival. Yeah. We'll put on an actual play for them. Yeah. You guys got to put on a fucking circus now. You know what? What? This is the birthplace of the Lone Tree Hill Theater. Yeah. Oh, boy. We have a couple of those shows memorized. Probably. Probably close.

Yeah, probably pretty close. Probably close. Okay. It's the namesake of it, at least. Yeah. Yeah. I turn back. We agree to your terms. Quiet, you. I'll agree to their terms. I'm so sorry, my lord. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Billy. I'm so sorry. Tuck gets really close to Ving's face where he's just like, I know you had a bad dad, but you can't fucking take this shit. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I am not. Me, my lord. I am somebody else, and I apologize.

You do that again, and we're going to have a fucking problem. That's right. Unhand me, you brute. I'm sorry, master. It works with Tuck. I can do it with Tuck. I get it. And you are given leave to set up your carnival outside the walls of Lone Tree Hill. Yeah. Okay. Is the plan the same? Are the crows still disguised as potatoes? Yeah. Are they going to be disguised as roustabouts and circus people now? Oh, no. They would recognize them. Yeah. Everyone knows each other. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. We know each other here. That's true. Oh, okay. We got to set up as if we are the whole show. It's you three. And then the crows will have a chance when everyone's distracted with the circus to sneak in and do the actual shit. The sabotage. The sabotage. We'll park this really close to one of the walls. Yeah. In classic spell or fashion, we've set up an important action that needs to happen, and then we'll do the play version of it while the important thing happens in the background.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The NPCs. Yeah. Yeah. Sean will do all the good stuff. While a true detective style raid happens, you guys will be out here. Yeah. Ready yourselves for the show of your life. Four ticks past sundown. Get ready. Gives himself a round of applause. And the guard starts clapping. Deep bows. Deep bows. My hair goes in the mud. Yeah. Tucks really into this Quasimodo thing he's doing. Oh, my God. I shall set up the stage, me lord. Don't tell me what you're doing. Just do it.

He hobbles away. I'm sorry. Oh, God. This is such a growth period from the Crystal Bay disguise where everyone kept calling Tuck a twisted crone. And he was like, guys, am I ugly? He's really tucking into it. Am I fucking really? Why does everybody keep saying I'm ugly? I'm a twisted crone. Because he didn't change any of his face. What's wrong with me? Oh, it's just a disgusting crone. What the fuck? There's another one. Okay. So two hours from then. Tell me how those two hours pass.

How you set it up. We take a bunch of the chairs out from within the elk bus. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's smart. We set them up. Yeah. Yeah. Is there like a table or like something that could be? Made into a stage in the elk as well? Yes, there is. There's several tables. Yeah. Yeah. This all worked out very nicely. Yeah. Yeah. So the elk kind of like starts getting smaller as you're taking furniture out of them.

Tuck's like, hey, Dutch, do you have like limelights or anything for like theater lighting? They line up a bunch of their jack-o'-lanterns with a bunch of candles. That's great. That's smart. Yeah, we put those on the stage. Put shields behind them so it reflects it onto the stage. Fun. I like that. Very cool. Tuck spends a bunch of time. I'm like rigging the stage with pyrotechnics. It's actually a really high tech. We brought those ourselves. Yeah. Pyrotechnics that Tuck made. Yeah.

Do you still have the dragon scab? Yes. Okay, cool. Sorry, what? Dragon scab. Scale. Scale. No, dragon scabs. Ew. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The like gunpowder. The gunpowder. Is dragon scabs. Yeah, I have some gunpowder, black powder. Did I say dragon powder is or gunpowder is dragon scabs? Well, I certainly said it. In season five, when we found the gunpowder. Okay. I actually like that it's called dragon powder. Oh, dragon powder. That's a cool name for it. Yeah. But anyway.

Can I roll to use Bing's gunpowder to rig up a shitload of pyrotechnics around the stage? Yeah, I suppose so, but it's going to be intelligence. Okay, that's fine. Wait, can I make it charisma? Because it's kind of a performance thing. You can't use charisma to make something. Can't just be like, hey, gunpowder. You want to become a firework? But it is a performance thing. I can see a play for wisdom. Charisma is a bridge too far. Okay, yeah, I'm just going to do this.

I'm going to try with intelligence. Great, great. 2d6 plus intelligence. Here we go. Oh, God, please. I want this to look sick as fuck. And also, the pyrotechnics would help us because it would be distracting as hell. Totally. That's a two. I just, I build a bomb. Yeah. Tuck packs a bunch of gunpowder. I put gunpowder into a bunch of tubes. I put gunpowder into all of the music bottles that I have. Yeah. Oh, shit. I put fuses. In these glass music bottles? Yeah.

And some of them are metal, because the heavy metal ones. And I put fuses in them. Yeah. And I've set like 12 up around the stage. And I was like, when these go off, it's going to be sick. It's pretty funny to get a bunch of your enemies and be like, we're going to do a play. And then surround the stage with claymore mines facing the audience. Musical pipe bombs. Incredible. But in Tuck's head, these are going to like go off like sparklers. Yeah, it's going to be super cool. Yeah.

So the stage is set up. The chairs are set out. The stage is rigged with bombs. And okay, is there anything we want to figure out about the performance itself? Or do we want to let that ride? I would like to use my druidic lore. Oh, snap. Call upon plays from the ages. Ancient druidic plays, comedies. 12. Okay, so what is a 10 plus on druidic lore? On 10 plus, it's a hit. GM asks you a question about the subject. Whatever you say is true. Yeah. So tell me about an ancient druidic performance.

It sounds like a comedy. And what that play is about. So there's this ancient druidic comedy. That's about a druid on Hibernia. Just living his life, trying to make his way in the world on Hibernia. And then finds out that he has a long lost cousin from way up in the White Cloud Mountains. At first, they don't know each other. But then their relationship works out. And they get along perfectly. You could say that they're perfect strangers. Yeah, okay, there we go. You, he's a…

It's a bumbling buddy comedy. Of just like mismatched people. Yeah, it's a classic slapstick comedy of errors. Yeah. Yeah, I like the idea that it is like an ancient play in that way where like, it's funny. Maybe not in a modern way. But it's like entertaining. It stemmed from, it was a way of druidic culture to spread knowledge. So that we get somebody from other cultures to come in and play like, I don't know your rituals. And they would share rituals. Oh.

And you could share different knowledge. It was a way of spreading knowledge. But in a fun and comfortable way that was accessible. Yeah. Because they're very guarded. You know, as we learned on Hibernia when… Yeah. Don't come here, blah, blah, blah. Catch this, you did that. Yeah. Yeah. So I imagine that, so that will help. Yeah. It's called Imperfect Strangers. Imperfect Strangers. Great. Okay, great. So that'll really help sell this distraction. Having like a real written play. Yeah.

And I imagine there are three parts. Is everybody taking part in this play? Or is Billy doing his clown thing before to warm them up? I don't know. It doesn't matter. I think there's three parts. We'll do three parts. Yeah. I think it's also the kind of thing where we were like, all right, Billy, Ving has this play that he wrote, there's a part for you. And then Billy was like, okay, yeah, I'll do it. And then he reads his lines, but he…

You know when a kid is in a play, but he's also just like got a lightsaber with him? Yeah. Yes. You're like, yeah, I won't do it without the lightsaber. Great, great. So I'm the little boy that lives with the cousin and his friend, and I have a sword. Yeah. And I do tricks. I do tricks during the day. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so anything else we want to set up? We've got pyrotechnics rigged. The play is prepared. I think we should talk to the crows and like- Yeah. Yeah.

Come up with like the thing- So you guys like casually lean against Dodge and talk to a bunch of potatoes. Yeah. It looks like we're talking into the elk's ass. Yeah. Yeah. We're just putting on the- Yeah. We're just putting on the- Yeah. We're just putting on the- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Comes after the entertainment. Yes. Yeah. And then that, like, you have to stay for the whole show if you want your food, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. Or if it's a convincing illusion, we say, here's the food. Take it inside. Come out for the show. The food's inside. They already took it in. Oh. Oh. That's smart. Yeah. Wait, who's taking it in? They are. The audience. Yeah, they load it up. They're like, oh, thanks for the food. We'll put it inside.

Then we'll come back out for the show. Oh, I see. And the food is the potatoes. Yes. Okay, I see. So they'd take the elk in, and then they would come out and watch the show. Yeah. Because the elk's ass is the horn of plenty. Yes. Yeah. The elk would go in. When Dodge hears that, he kind of waves his butt. He would just be plooping out potatoes. Plop, plop, plop, plop, plop. Yeah, that works, I think. That makes sense. Okay. Billy goes out there, and the illusion's still working, right?

Yes, yeah. Okay. Dear audience, we need your assistance. We need your assistance in moving the food into your palace. For we have not been given leave by your lord to enter. Behold, it is the elk of plenty. Within his nether regions are many potatoes. Potatoes, potatoes, potatoes. Potatoes of all kinds and shapes and sizes. New, red, plum. Plum. Yellow. Russet. Large. Yukon. And Prince Edward Island. The spuds are big on the back of that elk because of one Prince Edward Island.

Russet, yellow, red, and Prince Edward Island. Fuck, it's so funny. You do see the guards who have come out, because it seems like Lone Tree Hill is mostly militia at this point. Uh-huh. But you see them like, I don't know, I don't know. And then you hear like, thump, thump, and you look up on the wall, and there's a halfling draped in black burlap atop his head, an orange pumpkin. Whoa. Ew. With a grinning mouth. Whoa. And angry eyes. Whoa. I bow. Yeah, I take a knee too. The pumpkin king.

My lord, tis an honor. And he looks to the guards, and he nods. And he recedes from the wall, back into his fortress. Whoa. Whoa, that guy's fucking scary. And they rush forward, and they all start like, trying to figure out how to move the elk. Dodge. Creak. And it begins to step, and it steps over the wall. Oh. Cool. So tall. And comes to a rest inside. Sick. And a few moments later, the guards come back out, and a few unarmored individuals, and they come back out.

And they all settle into their chairs. Does the king come out to watch the play? The pumpkin king stays up on the wall. Like, he stays behind his walls. Okay. Yes. That makes sense. But you can see him watching in the distance. All right. Okay. It's time for the play to begin? Yeah. Yeah. Who's who? We didn't… I don't know either of these movies. I know the name, Perfect Strangers. Yes. Me too. And that's it. Yeah. But it's a guy, because it's like a normal guy, and then like a, oh, wacky.

Wacky foreign guy, right? That's the movie. That's the imperfect. That's the Perfect Strangers. Yeah, but you can make it be whatever we want. Yeah. It's whatever we want. We're doing it Lone Tree Hill style. Okay. And then, so Tuck comes out, and he's in like full theater regalia. Yeah. Wait. What does that mean? Like a white face. He's in white face. Yes. And then black's everywhere else. He's in white face. He's wearing sort of like one of those Victorian collars. Mm-hmm.

He's got like the teardrop black makeup on his eyes. He's… He's… He's… He's got jingle jangleys all over his… So he's dressed like a harlequin. A leotard. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then he goes, lords, ladies, and all you regular people out there. And they all go, yeah. It's Tuck in the Woods. We're watching that movie. After we're done recording. He does… He does Chaucer's lines from… Night's Tale. Night's Tale.

My lords, my ladies, and everyone else here are not sitting on a cushion. We, the players of the Firefields Principality, bring you Imperfect Strangers, a story of two estranged cousins from distant lands. One from the Halfling lands. Wong. Wong. And everyone goes, Halfling lands, that's where we are. Billy walks out with his arms out and sword pointed up. Like a wrestler. He's the Halfling land representative. Yeah. He's dressed kind of like Nacho Libre. Yeah.

He's got a Speedo and tights and a mask on. He's painted his face to look like a mask. A little tiny mustache. Yeah. Mustache. And a cape. Yeah. Just… His big curly hair. Jack Black. Jack Black. Billy completely misunderstood what was happening. Billy's nodding along as if he knew anything, which he does not. He took Wild Bill's mustache and he put it on. Yes. Wild Bill's got one eyebrow. And his cousin, long estranged from the druidic lands of Hibernia. Comes running in with a robe. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. He also thinks it's a wrestling match. Yeah. Yeah. And you see the Halflings in the front row like… Like… Like they fall back. And he goes… Ah! Both alike in countenance, but from different houses, different families. A long standing feud between them. How will they resolve it? Will they resolve it with diplomacy? And he puts his hand to his… Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Boo. Boo. Look at the back like… Yeah. I love diplomacy. I vote diplomacy. Or will they solve it with…

Murder! One guy in front. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, buddy. It scares Tuck a little bit. Whoa. With violence! Yeah! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! And then Bing and I are doing a synchronized dance. Oh my God. We fire off one to pyrotechnic. No, Tuck, as soon as he says rumble, he lights all the fuses. Oh shit. So now the fuses are lit and are slowly burning. And we do not know when they're going to go off.

And Tuck in his head is like, when this goes off, everyone's going to be so proud of me. They're going to be blown away. Everyone's going to be proud. We've forgotten all about the plan. Oh man, I'm such a showman. And I think that's where we're going to end it for this week. Thank you so much for joining me, everybody. Playing Tacoma Dome, the Barbarian, and joining me as always, Abdul Aziz. So long, everybody. Playing Ving, the Half-Elf Druid, Paul Hoppers. Hands off, you brute.

Playing Fat Billy, the Halfling Thief, Jessica Tai. Bye. Bye, everyone. Thank you so much to all of our supporters around the world. Our show would not be possible without your support. If you like the show and you like that we've been able to keep it ad-free this long and want it to continue to be ad-free, that is not a threat. If you do not support, we will still keep it ad-free, but it'd be really helpful if you went to patreon.com slash speltlore or speltlore.com slash money, please.

Hey, maybe, you know, maybe you toss us some dollars. Maybe it stays ad-free. Hey, it's a pretty nice ad-free. It's a pretty nice ad-free podcast you got here. It'd be a shame if something happened to it. It would be a shame if someone put six ads for Huberman's green drink in here. It helps you cheat on your wife, just like Huberman. Six ads in the middle of the podcast, just for Huberman infidelity juice. Huberman's green drink. It helps you cheat on your wife. Oh, my God.

The fact that it's just called green drink. Huberman cheated on his wife with seven different women. He said it was not, his whole thing was about how dopamine is bad, so he must have hated all of that sex. The science supports it, okay? Yeah, bro science. Huberman. Huberman. Huberman labs. Huberman labs. Cheat on your wife. Cheat on your wife. So anyway, that's what it would be like if we had ads. Yeah, exactly.

And if you don't want that to happen, even though it's hilarious, go to patreon.com slash speltlorist, beller.com slash money, please. As a bonus, you get access to a whole whack of shit, including a whole bonus campaign set in the High Spear Mall, postcards with original art and writing from the crew, the speltlor almanac, where we do a bunch of cool world building. There is something hidden in one of the most recent almanacs. Whoa. From us.

That is actually a canonical story beat hidden in a recent almanac. Oh shit. And I will continue to do so in future entries. Whoa, really? Yeah. Oh fuck. Yeah, baby. Oh fuck. And then that would be great. So patreon.com slash speltlorist, beller.com slash money, please. Oh, and you can also play like one of the tiers is like games run by myself or Abdul. Yeah. Sean's is the wizard tier. Mine is the piss monster tier. Yeah, it's a lot of fun.

So if you want to play games with us, that is a possibility. Thank you to Aaron Reed for our intro and outro music and all of the music produced on the show. You can find Aaron at bandcamp.com under the name ACR, and you can find all the music produced for the show on Spotify. Oh yeah. And everywhere. The speltlor soundtrack is now available online on your music streaming services. So check that out. Thank you so much. Finally, and most of all to all of you for listening. See you next time.

Also, Ryan, can you clip the video for this and then tag Huberman in it, please? No, tag Huberman's wife in this. Oh my God. Don't do that. She needs to know. She needs to know. She knows already. It's our duty, man. Poor lady. Yeah. All right. Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. But gladly spout law.