Episode 20 – All Day Breakfast

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P-a-t I'll start over sorry it sounds like a fucking Alta Vista ad gather round friends let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold a brute, a druid and a thief who is but nine years old you know them by name, you know them by deed their quests are famously daring so here I sit singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home he loves to sing and fight Vig is half-elf, he shifts his shape and wields a spear with great might Billy's a thief his tiny size does mask the largest heart best and brightest they may not be but their friendship outweighs their smarts so gather round friends and listen close for the tale's about to start perfect five stars baby welcome to Spout Lore I'm your game master Sean O'Hara joining me as always playing Tacoma Dome the barbarian Abdul Aziz playing Vig the half-elf druid Paul Oppers perfect star, five star rating baby playing fat Billy the halfling thief Jessica Tai welcome back to Spout Lore perfect five star rating five stars every day, every night non-stop or higher five stars or higher, welcome to Spout Lore five stars or higher when you're here, you're family welcome to Spout Lore you're gonna like the way you look Spout Lore, get us working for you Spout Lore, just do it Spout Lore in it nothing runs like Spout Lore Spout Lore, just do it where's the beef?

Spout Lore vote for Hillary Rodham Clinton Spout Lore drink Coca-Cola please I would love if our podcast got acquired by the Coca-Cola bottling company that would be really hard to stop it from being evil when last we left our heroes that would be like that would be like if Leonardo da Vinci got killed 85% of the way through the Mona Lisa and then he just drew the crusades in the background or something and then he changed the Mona Lisa to be like yes, crusades one thumb pointing over his shoulder the other thumbs going up welcome to Spout Lore a Lockheed Martin production when last we left our heroes they had beached themselves on the shores of the frozen north, they quickly realized unfortunately that they were quite far from old sheer and cold quite close to the great forest a plan was made in which Oleander Dreyfuss would limp the sun runner to a place where he can do some makeshift repairs and then head to old sheer where he will wait two months for you to return and if you're not back in two months he'll assume that you're dead and he will leave I'm gonna be honest with you guys as soon as he was like I'll wait for you guys to return I had an image of that seed from Indiana Jones where he was like running over the hill and he was like start the plane start the plane and then just like a hundred rangers are running behind you start the boat arrows like into the deck as he's jumping on board he has to throw his fishing rod in the ocean uh, Corrine decided to stay behind after a conversation with Maggie Cole that we were not privy to and Maggie and Perel headed off with you three to find uh, what Ving remembers as a prominent trade route called the Ice Road that heads up through the frozen mist mountains and connects with the ice road and connects with the ice road with the frozen north Ice Road Trekkers that's right frequented by trekkers the most dangerous and hardy of all merchant caravan-eers yeah, and they ride on the the ice boats from Cruel Runnings yes the party decided for some reason to engage in a foot race uh, immediately getting themselves more lost than they were before classic but uh, taking shelter next to a large stone or what appeared to be a large stone ooh oh, mystery sound and it was actually a dark elf crypt oh, dark elf crypt classic yeah and Billy keeping watch by himself doing karate on top of a rock to scare away animals you know it worked with some wolves it fucking worked for real yeah, Billy got so sweaty up there oh yeah he really did and then he tripped and fell a little bit during his karate moves and saw that the rock seemed to be the entrance of a tomb collapsed into the dirt he dug it free a little bit and made the, I think pretty reasonable decision to dig the entrance of the tomb out a little bit instead of entering the tomb fully by himself mm-hmm Tuck and Ving woke up and did not feel the same way at all well, we woke up and our kid was gone you woke up to me screaming our kid's name yeah uh, you found Billy completely nude in the hole covered in dirt cause he got sweaty digging it out not the first time we found him naked in a grave in all honesty filthy in a hole yeah and then the party, uh, plus two oh wait Ving almost got attacked by a drift leopard oh shit, right uh, a cat who referred to Ving constantly as meat but in attempting to trick the leopard into stepping onto some thin ice Ving and the leopard plunged into the icy waters of the pool beneath the cat immediately going from predator to pleading to sad kitty sad cat wow and everybody worked together to get Ving and the cat out of the hole the cat then swore a life debt to Ving for saving his life which would be repaid shortly we would find just so we don't get into the habit I suppose of collecting more companions mm-hmm anyway, back to the tomb we go into the tomb we find the body of a dark elf scout laid out in armor and holding weapons watched over by a war golem Ving recalling a letter from Ving a lesson in which he learned the dark elves had a cultural practice of burying their scouts on the far ranges of their territory yeah as sort of symbolic watchmen and then Billy had a fucking flashback I did Billy had a terrifying flashback of dark elf war golems mm-hmm so Billy pleaded with the rest of the party to not rob the tomb as is their usual method uh-huh knowing that it would awaken the wrath of the golem we learned a couple things we looked at some beautiful elven weaponry and armor Perel wondered at the construction of the golem itself which appeared not to contain any machinery but completely artificial musculature bones, etc.

Ving saying that he heard stories that they were constructed using the body parts of dead elves the party smashed the entrance of the tomb closed packed up camp and Ving sent his life debt swearing snow leopard Pantera uh right, you named it Pantera whoops haha whoops whoops whoops whoops whoops whoops whoops whoops whoops whoops whoops whoops whoops whops in the distance and through his eyes watched as the panther slash leopard circled the place discovering what seems to be just some sort of trade post like a arrest it's a truck stop it's basically a fantasy truck stop there's a bunch of like sledges outside yeah yeah humans chatting a wall trekkers everywhere yeah ice road trekkers probably not a super populated place but like you know good numbers of people a husky stop is the husky stop for the actual husky dog yeah there's a there's a husky outside husky stop outside where you feed all your dogs we've never talked about it but there are probably like dog teams up here oh god I love that and perhaps most impressingly on a message board outside the gate a wanted poster featuring the face of ving and he looks bad really mean yeah he looks really really mean do they have a pencil thin mustache on him for some reason yeah cut to that's the thing panther brought back the wanted poster somehow and we're like you look not good in this picture you look old in this man this makes me look like a complete creep guys is this what I look like is this what I put out there no they gave you a scar along one eye oh my god the bags under your eye are like so dark and deep I'm putting snow on my underneath my eyes don't worry not in real life I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not gonna lie to you in real life yeah your your bags aren't that pronounced in real life ving don't worry do I look this angry all the time no your eyebrows go the opposite way they they gave you some missing teeth oh no this was somebody else the ink is a different color somebody blacked out your teeth I have a little tiny mustache just in the middle underneath my nose that's a bad look dude that's not good I can't quite tell why but I hate that mustache what's it say who do we report to it just says report to your local authority if seen yeah it uh it what talk to a ranger no I don't think it's like that but I think it is like report to the like local watch warden or something like that oh cool but you get the idea of thing that this is human stuff this is like frozen north authorities not the rangers what yeah what is the reward uh it is talk what the fuck man I just want to know it's uh five thousand coins five thousand coins holy shit no just listen hear me out I walk like this oh no we're all right we're already on the same page we turn you in get five thousand coins five thousand coins and then we buy the whole frozen north with the five thousand coins and then we free you this is amazing plan we could definitely kill so many selkies with five thousand gold coins five thousand gold kinds would make us fucking bulletproof we could buy that gash and bury it in the ocean if we wanted to I'm just gonna go ahead and do it and look at how bad I fucked up how much money is that's so much money it feels like it's like 10 million dollars uh okay so actually it is exactly enough to buy one merchant ship damn oh yeah still pretty good still pretty fucking good oleander's like what how much don't tell oleander how much my reward is we cut to oleander and he's at a different he's already is that fucking ving at the mill and they have a post that's not ving is no ving doesn't have a little mustache in the middle like that five thousand oh man I'm I'm glad that's not ving because I'd turn him in for five thousand coins no question on one hand he has a wanted poster the other hand he has the bill for the maintenance on his boat he's just like looking from one to the other four thousand nine hundred and ninety nine coins and ninety nine cents I'd have a little bit left over for myself uh smash cut too I mean it is hilarious of course to imagine fleecing the local authorities for five thousand coins but do we maybe want to avoid capture yeah great guys probably yes probably yeah you know what hundred percent I would never sell my friend but I feel like we're in kind of a blue sky sort of mode right now this is true this is true I'm all that I mean most of our tactics in the past have included turning ourselves or someone else in that's true you guys did turn yourselves in once in mccall remember that's how you got arrested and taken to the hearth that's how we found and freed ama yeah yeah and shia shia got the reward for that yeah totally so we've done this before there's precedent set what I'm saying what if like we go in either ving is disguised or we hide him and like we ask around like oh so just wondering like whereabouts would they potentially take this criminal shot on sight then we're like okay we won't go that is a good point really we should disguise ving if we are going into this outpost okay I'll put on this little mustache I make sure I put bags under my eyes uh okay well perellis or no perellis me say ving you might not need to disguise yourself because this poster is dog shit so you might not have to I'm gonna I'm gonna disguise myself somewhat okay how if I might ask what do you mean I'm just you know I'm I know a little something about a little something when it comes to altering someone's appearance and here I'm feeling now I know this is going to sound wild coming from me this feels like a less is more situation and when he says that tuck puts a vampire teeth that he was taking out of his bag ving has taken a handful of soot and he's putting it back down tuck is pushing that to the ground and billy takes puts away the coconut boobies did we raid a discount party halloween warehouse all halloween stores are racist yeah I'm thinking now you're gonna hate this but I'm gonna pitch it anyways okay we cut your hair I'm in oh whoa whoa grab it knife cut handfuls handles off whoa whoa whoa whoa buddy buddy buddy buddy bangs bangs bangs not bangs no it's all bangs oh no okay he gave himself like a weird bowl cut a bowl cut now bullcob page boy goes up across down page boy out like this oh wow oh my god what too much I mean two emo phillips kind of look like emo phillips does it look like a mug mushroom cut or does it flip out like a bell I was imagining like amelie short hair oh my gosh do you look like amelie shave the sides okay down buzz cut all the way down what if you take some of the hair that you shaved off your head and then give yourself a big long handlebar mustache then you'll look like an ice road trekker oh that's a good idea yeah amazing yeah can we get you a trekker's hat I mean her tat and some trucker tats yeah and they might sell trucker hats at the stop too yeah trekker hats here are like russian hats and they're like a lot of them hats they're big fur things yeah yeah but they still have the brim and they still say bass pro shops on the top different stuff yeah cabela's so what so ving has cut his hair short yeah wow big look change right now yeah so now it's like a puffy like mushroomy sort of bob thing no it's all the way shaved down that was a full progression you cut the hair all the way to the scalp it's buzz cut down oh buzz cut oh he had a buzz cut when he was a kid right in yes when you were a kid and then also three days season seven and mccall yes yeah so your hair grows hella fast that's what we know is uh you probably got like a good couple weeks before it's back to its normal leg yeah wait if I'm going as a trucker I should probably have a mullet oh well we'll just put the hat over top oh some of the hair into the mullet yeah perel holds up his hands I can yeah I can work with this oh so do we get like a little beauty montage now yeah eye on candle lit yeah yeah he's doing those weird uh meditative movements but as he prepares and uh yeah he takes a hat that he had and he chews up some resin that he found like on a bush and he takes some of the hair and he glues it to the back of the hat to create like a long mullet on just the back of the brim slaps it on your head it actually looks pretty good thank you so you've got a hat and you've got a mullet and you've got a mullet and you've got a mullet and you've got a hat a long gray mustache and long gray hair beautiful let's change up your voice yep no problem hey I'm not ving I guess they don't know what your voice sounds like yeah I think you could probably do whatever you want in there whose dad's the ranger king anyways what's the deal my mom's alive it's the performance of the century thing way to go and just as you're like getting ready to head towards the trek stop pantera stands before you is my debt repaid meat not yet you dare ask more of pantera I wanted to give billy some sweet what can the oh sweet gift some slippers of his own you desire me to steal slippers from the human people or what if he would donate some of his winter fur to me his under fur yeah and I could felt slippers this is what I was hoping thank you ah I see you wish for pantera's lush undercoat please give up your under fur for winter boots for the the young maid I shall do this upon one condition meat yes name it scratch pantera at the place where his ears connect with his head oh my god goes in with the knuckles you know how you oh yes under for gathering in my palms yeah molding felting slippers our debt is repaid and now pantera returns to the tundra where he lives wild and free and he turns and he begins trotting into the snow ah yes the wide tundra and then he stops and he looks back at you for a second and he looks kind of sad no I'm a creature of the wilds and I shall be free and he runs away come find us anytime you want I will not maybe I will he's gone into the snows well thank you there you go for my feet yeah wow these are like snowshoes you can walk on the snow with these probably you don't have to carry me anymore thank god what I mean that's nice slippers they are wow they're so soft so much softer than the slippers you had on the boat okay billy's got some beautiful new drift leopard slippers oh my gosh I'm walking around like a little prince yep your feet are honestly like perfectly tempered not too hot not too cold and you continue your walk up to the trek stop it's a couple hours walk for sure but you all get here and uh it's nice to be amongst civilization I imagine at least for that's what perel says wow it is nice to be amongst civilization again you can smell you smell that you smell that peat smoke an outhouse probably that kind of hot mossy shit smell oh I missed it I honestly missed it smells like barbecue someone's doing barbecue smells like a pancake yeah I smell a shit pit no no no it couldn't be and perel like runs around the wall of the building okay the outside and he runs to the gate and he looks at the gate and he drops to his knees and he's crying in ecstasy as he sees a sun and he's like oh my god I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die next to the door that says all day breakfast what does it say and then tuck looks at billy and he's like it says all day breakfast I also fall passed out I fainted and maggie just walks past all of the uh ecstatic writhing that's happening in front of the gate being watched by a couple ice road trekkers who are just letting it happen yeah but uh inside we see we need a table for four and a kid's seat uh okay who's this server hey welcome at to what's this fucking place called ice hop that was instantaneous yeah I'm becky welcome to ice hop uh what are you looking for you're looking for a table for what four I think there's a high chair one two three four five in a high chair five five four no perl maggie uh my friend dave uh any points of uh me and then yeah our kid okay yeah so four and a high chair okay that was a that was a big number for you huh big guys yeah uh sorry no no no no it's fine and she bobs you with the handful of menus that she has tuck turns to vayne and he's like I don't like our server all right right over here and she walks you to like a table and she's like oh my god I'm gonna like a booth look this is a fantasy world we try really hard to paint a fantastical picture for our audience this is a diner you know what a diner looks like she sits you at a booth that's right next to a window could be like a log cabin kind of diner though absolutely yeah yeah so it is the shape and layout of your classic denny's I hop diner but everything is suede log cabin suede but like beautiful woodwork too like everything is so over designed like all the booths have like roaring bears and like trees and mountains they come from pinewood oh imported yeah yeah pinewood imports yeah that's that's the name of the store pinewood imports and it's just the pure one imports oh my god yeah there's like a roaring fire in the center of the diner oh yeah and then there's like a stone over top of part of that fire and that's where the like flat top griddle that they cook all the shit is on yeah the menu is like 35 pages it's so big it's like it's all day breakfast and that's four pages and then after that is like lunch and dinner yeah and senior specials oh and the senior specials are 30 pages long yeah alone they actually give you another book can I start you off with uh some waters and drinks or anything yeah can I get um like mead or whatever oh it's a little early in the morning for me don't you think jesus fuck mead I'm gonna get some water and I'm gonna get some all right one mead for the uh questionable guy in the corner uh what can I get for the rest of you can I have a chocolate oat milk please oh absolutely sweetheart and she pinches your cheeks a little bit oh I don't think anyone's pinched billy's cheeks in the entire show a couple months anything else no I'll have a wintergreen latte please okay all right interesting taste I like it dave uh and perel and maggie both order uh perel orders a tea and maggie orders um what does maggie order butter rum hot butter rum hot butter rum oh can I change mine to hot butter rum uh okay and she goes back and she crosses out one of those are you she crosses out mead very dramatically abdul in real life is so upset okay two butter rums a tea an a chocolate oat milk and a wintergreen latte okay I'll be right back and she throws out some menus and she walks away and you can hear she can see she walks over uh she swings her hips a lot when she walks and she walks really fast she goes over to uh another server and they start talking really quietly and looking at you and laughing a little bit I don't like this place guys I took leads and he's like I don't like this place what's wrong you know what I feel like they might be making fun of us but they're definitely not suspicious of us and they're not of me being a wanted man so I think we're maybe this is the best case scenario is that they think we're stupid dumb idiot hick tourists fine fine I'll stay it's the most beautiful place I've ever been so you're just smelling all the foods that are cooking behind billy's not even looking at everyone he's looking at the hot stone with all these eggs being fried up yeah and I love it because billy in my mind he's turned all yeah billy's in a high chair and he's like completely turned himself around his legs are dangling off the back he's like justin timberlinking the high chair and the cook honestly looks like uh an escaped convict like he's like huge like huge arms t-shirt rolled up big hairy arms big huge guy just taking pokes everywhere oh yeah he looks like he did his own tattoos shit and he's just dicing it up cooking like a champ it looks like he's he's got some real skill at least in the diner world and you're sitting there looking at your menus and you hear jing jing as the bell at the door rings as uh two uniformed warriors of some kind walk in oh shit be cool be cool everyone should just be cool can I sorry no and they sit down at the bar and they just flagged down a waitress who starts pouring them coffee can I roll to try and figure out what they are yeah totally okay okay come on please nope four I got four shit and tuck you're sitting there and uh you're looking at the two warriors guards militia folk whatever and one of them turns around and looks at you and I immediately like hold the menu up in front of my face like we make eye contact and then I'm like nope flip over you tip over a glass of water I'm doing so when I do that and uh and then he also sees me peek over the menu and sees that he's still making eye contact and then I duck back behind and then he just turns back to the bar and continues drinking his coffee um tuck why did you do it like that I panicked I'm sorry now you're gonna have to pretend like you were flirting with him okay it's the only way you're right all right I'll do this okay I'll do this for us all right you can do it and then tuck puts the menu down and he stares at the guy and he goes to the back of his head yeah and the guard turns around and he's like oh my god I'm so sorry I'm so sorry and then he turns around again and looks back in your direction and then tuck goes uh dual's got his closed fist up to his mouth up to his open mouth tuck is this unaware of how to flirt with a man yeah he was gonna do a jerk off motion to his face and then he's like no that's offensive and then he dips a figure in the water in front of him and he licks he licks the water off of his figure he's like and then he dips the next figure and then he does it with every finger and then uh once all of the fingers are wet he does one of these wow wearing wig flirtatiously waving all of my fingers roll 2d6 plus charisma nope it's not what the fuck is going on even though I have a plus three charisma I got a five what happened oh my god that was bad and that is what perel says into his hand as the guard gets up and starts walking over to the table hey folks hey big fella you look thick as fuck today I'm sorry officer my friend loves a man in uniform I love a man out of uniform a little bit more if you know what I mean six inches more yeah yeah baggy reaches across and puts an arm a hand on his shoulder and he's like oh my god I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry a woman runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and runs up and christ you're a halfling yeah I thought you were a little human baby I mean I'm kind of both okay but that's where we're from the halfling lands all of you hither and thither but that's where we came from what's your what's your business around here fucking breakfast bro what about you man just in here for a nosh and brought by like the most gnarliest beers in town heard they had some good brews on tap man sorry the face paul made after he finished shocking I imagine making that face just panicked and scared where are you headed what's your business we're on a brewery tour yeah all across yeah the frozen north and then back down along the other side he takes a long obnoxious sip of his coffee all right enjoy your breakfast and you enjoy having maggie just grabs your beard and yanks your head down the table level and he finishes a good day sir okay so I think we can all agree yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes Guys, am I bad at flirting?

Yes. Sorry. I mean, yes. Yeah. No. Unequivocally. Yeah, absolutely. Just with guys or with women too? I've never seen it work once in my entire time I've known you. I think bad's enough of a word for what you are at flirting. I'm honestly not even sure that we could call what you were doing flirting. That's true. That was more harassment than anything. And the fact that you didn't mean to harass them. Yeah, that makes it worse. That makes it a lot worse. Well, how are they supposed to react?

Are they not supposed to look that upset? Here's how I imagine it going down in my head. I would do the water thing with my fingers, and then I thought he was going to reach behind the counter, grab a bunch of cucumbers, and then dip them in his water, and then do the same thing, but with the cucumbers. And then you would grab a zucchini. Yeah. It keeps getting bigger. And then it keeps getting bigger and bigger and bigger until we're fucking each other.

So that's how you imagined it going down in your head. That's how I planned it. That was your plan. Your plan involved him having a secret store of cucumbers that you were not aware of, and then returning the gesture in a similar but scaled up way. Yeah. Slowly lifts up a handful of giant zucchinis. Planned. Okay. I've got some drinks here. Here's your chocolate oat milk. Here's two hot rum butters. Here's a nice chamomile tea. So early in the morning. What an interesting choice.

And a wintergreen latte. Okay. Can I get you any food? I will have one of everything, at least. One of everything? Okay. Maybe that's… You know what? No. I want to eat fast, and I'll have a bunch of pancakes. Okay. Bunch of pancakes. I'll have a bunch of eggs. Bunch of eggs? How do you want those? Anyway cooked. Cooked eggs? Okay. I'll also have a bunch of meat. Bunch of meat? Any specificity to the meat? Nah, whatever you got. Just loose. Just loose. A lot. Can I have a lot of syrup? Butter?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Have a lot of whipped cream? Okay. Where do you want that whipped cream located? Anywhere. Not on the eggs. Okay. Not on the eggs. In my mouth, stupid. Okay. And… And… And… Can I have some gravy? Gravy? Yeah, okay. In a bowl. Okay. I have two gravies. Billy, finish the first gravy before you have a second. Fine. You can have a second gravy. Fine. Okay. When you finish the first. Fine. I'll… Is that… Well, I'll start with… For my appetite. Thank you very much.

We are fucking dog shit at setting boundaries. We let him order so many things that we're like, maybe just get the one cup of gravy. And then I have a 10% gravy. I want two! And what can I get for you? I'm just going to eat what he doesn't eat. Your… Your… Voice? Your voice? Your voice changed a little bit. Sorry. I have this… I have a poutine. That's not it either. I'll have a poutine if you've got it. I'll have… You got… My dad here. Oh, yeah. I love… I'm good with the beer.

I'm mostly sticking with… That's the worst. I've got some pretzels. I love… Y'all have pretzel poutine? I'll have… I'll have… Corned beef hash. Corned beef hash. Okay. I don't know if there's an audio setting I can put on this that will make that not horrible. Oh, you have… Don't say salad. Don't say salad. Don't say salad. Caesar salad? Awesome. Nailed it. Caesar salad. It's an interesting choice this time of year in this part of the world. For an ice road checker. Yeah. Interesting.

Okay. I'll see what I can scrounge up. I don't know what we have in the way of leaves, really, but we'll see what we can do. Whatever you put in your Caesars, I'll have that. Understood. Caesar. Here we go. I'm good with that. Okay. What about you, big guy? Can I get, like, 40 eggs and a ham flank? Oh, somebody's in a bulk phase. I fucking hate you. And what about you two? And Perel orders eggs Florentine. Of course. And Maggie says that she's fine with her drink.

I look at Maggie with so much serious… I look at Maggie with so much seriousness in my face. I'm like, this isn't all-you-can-eat breakfast. No. It's not what? No. It's not all-you-can-eat. It's all-day breakfast. What? And Becky walks away. Billy, you just ordered 40 gold coins. How can a little kid mistaking all-day breakfast for all-you-can-eat breakfast is so fucking funny. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. It looks very serious. She's starting to… She's sipping her drink. She's leaning in. Okay. So, one, I'm not sure that we actually have enough money to pay for all the food that Billy ordered. And two, we might have the fuzz on us any time now. What makes you think that? Well, I mean, as a member of a secret society, I have had to work against a lot of authority figures in my time. And trust me, when you get to my age, you get to work. You get to work. What's the word?

Recognize the movements of the pigs. You know what I mean? Do you think we should go right now? I think it would rise more suspicion if we were to run out on our bill. What if we each get up and leave separately and then we convene somewhere else? Yeah, that could work. That could work. But right now, she kind of looks out the window. She pulls down the Venetian blinds a little bit and peeks out. I think we're okay right now. I think we just want to be careful. So we'll eat our food. We'll pay.

We'll pay. Somehow. We'll tip an okay amount because she's kind of… She's really into Tuck. I don't know what's going on there. What do you mean into? You poor stupid boy. She's insulting me so much. Oh my gosh. She's negging you, bro. Well, it's working. I feel negative. And then we'll head out carefully, quietly. If it comes to it, you know, if they make… If they make a move on us, then yeah, we'll bolt.

But we just want to be careful because there ain't really much place to run around here, you know? Yeah. It's pretty flat and white. Pretty flat and white. You have adequately described the environment that we're all familiar with. Yeah. Perel is drinking his tea. This is great, guys. I'm having a real adventure. I'm having the best time of my life right now. Billy's already gotten a small stack of pancakes that Becky did not bring. Well, I can get out of this high chair. Anytime I want. Yeah.

Billy's already made friends with the chef. Oh, yeah. The big tattooed chef. He's mother's recipe for pancake. They're the best pancakes I ever tasted. That secret? Yeah. He's I ground cinnamon, I grow myself. No way. Yes. And he reaches into his shirt and on at the end of the chain is a tiny little vial of cinnamon. Only one peach is need for whole day pitch. Just one? Just one. Just one. He's precious to me. My name, of course, being Oleg. Yes. He's precious to me, Oleg. Oleg Bogdan.

Oleg Bogdan. A beautiful name. Yes. For a beautiful chef. Oh, you're too kind, little boy. No, you have blessed me on this day with the greatest feast of my life. You have blessed Oleg with opportunity to follow his passion. His passion being making pancake for small boy. Thank you. And I love to eat. Food made for small boy. You and Oleg are of one heart, little boy. One soul and one mind. You know? And he pulls the chain off his neck and he places in your tiny hand the vial of cinnamon.

I simply couldn't, Oleg. You must. I know how much this means to you. I want you to have it. I will remember this kindness. No one in this place say Oleg pancake is good. What? The menu is so large. So many things on menu. No one ever have Oleg pancake. I will carry your legacy on with me for the rest of my life. I wish you to do this. Okay. Okay. Plus I have vials of this at home. This is my cabinet full of necklaces with vials on them. Small boy doesn't know this though. No.

I carry it with me in my heart. And then from the table we're like, Billy, can you stop bothering the chef? Okay. I have to go back to my high chair now. Farewell, small boy. Okay. I'll see you later. Goodbye. Dosvidanya. Dosvidanya. How did you know that? Anastasia the movie. No, no, no. How do you know that, Billy? Oh, Billy? Anastasia the stage. He Oleg taught me. The reggaemuffin. He Oleg taught me. Yeah. That's what we didn't see was Oleg being like, dosvidanya means farewell.

In place the time from which is, um, Durvor, I suppose. Oh yeah. That makes sense. We have established as Eastern Europe a fantasy world. Oh, yeah. That makes sense. We have established as Eastern Europe a fantasy world. Oh, yeah. That makes sense. Uh, and Becky comes back with all the food. Billy's absolutely colossal mountain of shit, uh, is placed on his high chair and then half of the table. He got as much food as like the rest of us combined. Yeah.

And he's already eating a stack of pancakes. He is going complimentary stack of pancakes. You don't really usually see that. I don't know. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I don't know what I'm going to eat next. It's just to carry me for two months. She's handing it out. And here's your corned beef hash and eggs Florentine. Nothing for you, frugal Fran over here. And here's your 40 eggs and your ham hock.

I didn't even bring you a fork. I didn't even think you'd want it. Fuck you. All right. Becky walks away. But like doing her fast hip swinging walk. And she looks back at Tuck like, okay. I like you. Got a little fire in you, don't you, big man? I don't know. Maybe I am gay. I fucking hate this. This sucks. Yeah. Do you just enjoy your meal? No, I didn't want to order this. This is not what I wanted. But I'm picking around the corned beef. Like a little burnt pieces of red pepper. I hand Ving.

The garnishes, the vegetable garnishes off of my plate. Thanks, Bill. Yeah. I think you could probably cobble together a salad out of that. Thank you. You're welcome. I take the celery out of my Caesar and chop it up. Oh, yeah. She gave you a Caesar. Yeah. Tomato juice, alcohol. So much celery. Oh, yeah. It's one of those weird ones from like diners where it's like celery with toothpicks in it and there's chicken wings on the toothpicks. There's a donut on top of the celery.

It's a tower of shit. Oh, cool. Yeah. Do you want some of my eggs? I got 40. Thanks. Here we go. Beef hash on your plate. Thanks. And anything like is there anything that you guys want to talk about or think about or plan during the meal? Yes. Yeah. Uh-huh. What should we talk about? Tuck says. Well, we could talk about either Ving's dad. Yeah. Or we could talk about Addernack All Water and how we're going to get in there. Yeah.

Do you think there's anybody in here who knows anything about Addernack? In the restaurant? Yeah. Can we look around? Yep. Just turn realities. Listen around. Four. Probably. Or three. Shit. Oh, you know what? Yeah. I'm going to turn my shitty failed roll into a seven and nine. Hell yeah. Nice. Perfect. Okay. Oh, and you should probably roll your fairy child. Is it tomorrow? Because it is the next day. Yeah. Okay. Nevermind. Oh, no. Six. Oh, gosh. On a six, I believe you get one. I get one hold.

Okay. I'll use it. Okay. I use that. Yeah. You use your one remaining, your tiny little reserve of fairy energy, which has been smothered by the stack after stack of pancakes. Honestly, yeah. At this ice hop. And you, what do you, yeah. What question do you ask off the discern realities list? Finn keeps taking sections of the whipped cream. Like, this is going to be, it's way too much sugar. Oh, yeah. You know what? And cream. It's so much cream. He's going to keep. Yeah.

Even the little amount I've had is like, I'm like. Messing with my judgment. Yeah. You're a fairy child. Yeah. All right. All right. Okay. What here is useful or valuable to me? Like, in the way of someone that would know something about Adderneck Wall Water? Like, maybe, like, there's probably other people here in the restaurant. Yeah.

So, there's like a pretty mousy looking young woman who looks like Ving to you, looks like someone from the frozen north, who is like reading a big textbook, like straight up, just like at the bar by herself with like a coffee, reading a big textbook. That Billy's like, a smart person. A nerd. A nerd. Do you see her? I see the nerd. Ving. Mm-hmm. Should we talk to her? Can we see what book she's reading? You'd have to go up and ask her. It's like laid on the table.

So, Billy, you can't see the cover. Yeah. And if Billy were to try and see the pages, it would look like gibberish to him. It seems weird for Ving to do it since he's trying to be undercover and. Right. Unassuming. Yeah. Oh, I was going to say, I can go do it. Mm-hmm. Maggie reaches out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Are you sure? Yes. I know how to be a nerd. And then I put my glasses upside down. Okay. Do we have any books on us? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Shit. I have. Fuck.

I have a weather book. I have a book of sea shanties. Oh, my God. Oh, great. We all pile the books into Tuck's arms. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I take one of my leather belts and I tie them around. You know what they used to have back in the day? Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Does anyone else have anything that will make me look smarter? Yeah. Another pair of glasses. Yeah. On the top of your head. Yeah. No, my sage glasses. Oh, yeah. Oh, I have like a tiny piece of fabric that I use under, like for warmth.

And I tie that around like a little ascot. Oh, cool. Yeah. So you look fancy. Yeah. Oh, in my poultice kit, I pull out a little bit of bandage and I put it around the middle of your glasses. Oh, cool. Yeah. Just to show that you are one of her, truly. Yeah. All right. I'm going to go over there. I'm going to talk to this nerdy lady. I shuffle over. Okay. Big fist bump. Pop fist bump to me. Yeah. You can do it. I know. I will. Yeah. I'm going to go talk to her. Just look at what she's reading.

And charm her into giving me some information. Wait. Before he goes, he talks to me and he's like, do we know where the, like, what do you know about the vault? Do you know where it is specifically? I mean, I mean, I kind of do. Like, it's, I've been there once before. Is it past Old Shear? Yeah. Oh, no. It's past Shear City altogether. It's like up and it's like north. West. West from here. Mm-hmm. On the very edge of the continent, basically.

There's a place where the glaciers collide with the icebergs. There's like a glacier coming down from the glacier divide. Oh. And they're driving together and they're like smashing up and creating these big wedges of dangerous ice passage. Yeah. It's called the Jaws. Oh. Jaws. Like, because it looks like teeth? And it grinds whatever goes through. Whoa. Extremely dangerous. Okay. Yeah. And that's the vault? It's past that. Yeah. A little bit past that. It's past the Jaws? Yeah. Dude.

Like a natural defense. That's wicked. Yeah. It's pretty fucking cool. I agree. Remember, you're a nerd. Don't say things like wicked. Okay. Cool. Very interesting, m'lady. Don't say m'lady. Nobody likes m'lady. Okay. Thanks. All right. And then Tuck picks up his books and he walks over. Mm-hmm. He sits, he plops down like two seats down from her. At the bar. She's just reading. We're all watching Tuck. Tuck sits there silently. Ving's miming opening a book.

And I'm miming, like, wiggling the glasses. Okay. Yeah. Tuck looks over and he opens a book and he's like, Creak! He makes a creak sound with his mouth. Slam. Uh, book. She looks over and looks back at her book. And then Tuck loudly licks a finger and turns a page. Sorry, when you say loudly licks a finger, what the fuck do you mean by that? All of his attempts to get information from people involve him licking his fingers. Not all the time, just today.

His fingers are just raw from all the licking. I think we forgot to tell him, like, you can talk to her. I have faith in him. He'll get there. Okay. He's doing his thing. He's a master of something. Maybe not this. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But someday. And hopefully this. She sips her coffee. And then Tuck starts actually reading the weather book that he's got. And then he goes, what the fuck? Roll 2d6 plus charisma. Because he's never opened this book. Yeah.

And he's like, they're dumb. Different kinds of clouds. Oh, I love this. Genuinely interested. What? Snake eyes! Can we roll a different? No, you can't reroll. No, but like those dice- These dice are weighted fucked. That's fine. Don't roll them anymore. Can I not do that one? No. You seriously want to reroll? Shawn- No. I'm asking. This is- these dice are fucked. Okay, fine. Wait, let me try- roll them one more time.

I just want to see- to see tux trying to act smart you just literally rolled a 10 okay so I guess it's fate and I fucked up I rolled a five yeah uh you say what the fuck and there is a failure beyond the fact that she simply doesn't look up she's engrossed in her reading and I think you feel your confidence fail you're like I can't fucking do this I can't fucking talk to this nerd this is too intimidating I gotta get out of here uh but you leave in your haste you leave one of the books behind oh no you had two books you had the sea shanty book and the weather book you put them down and then you feel your confidence break and you're like I gotta get the fuck out of here and you come back and you sit down and you have a book and a menu okay and I left the weather book behind the more important of the two where's the weather book I left the menu I was like this is oh fuck damn it uh do we see her leave with it yeah you look and she gets up finishes her coffee puts it down reaches over grabs the weather book and walks out the side door can I chase after her yeah absolutely yeah billy's like that's our weather book I steal books yeah 2d6 plus dexterity okay nine nine we can aid by creating a distraction elsewhere oh yeah totally because you got a nine okay yeah maybe you guys uh create a diversion small one small small innocuous I'm gonna um oh nice I got nine okay uh diversion is I drop my caesar on the ground yeah everybody in the diner looks towards your table and at that point I scurry down I run out the door before it closes and the server says opa oh yeah absolutely and she laughs as she does it this chick sucks and billy you dart out the door and uh slip it through it just before it closes watching this woman hustle across the yard of the trek stop and uh she goes out to the gate and from where you're hiding kind of behind the one door that's closed you see her talking to the two guards that were inside the diner and she hands over the book what I'm gonna sneak closer 2d6 plus dexterity seven okay as you get closer like you're creeping like from behind a crate to like behind a wheel behind a husky there's like a dog sleeping on the ground and you're hiding behind I'm like oh so soft so soft you get kind of distracted a little bit as you're petting this dog he rolls over but you hear the woman go yes they're in the diner right now I believe that they are unaware of our surveillance of them but I think that if we are going to and they kind of start walking away if you want to get closer they might spot you I'm gonna get closer okay roll it again 2d6 plus dexterity 10 so as you're standing there petting this husky it miraculously gets up and starts walking in that direction and I say good boy and you're hiding behind this moving husky and then it flops down a little bit closer perfect we could see from the other side of the dog like oh oh we're watching through the venetian block blinds so it's like three slits are open in the blinds you can hear from the other side when the dog sits down and barely stays hidden like from behind watching sports you can see the blinds like shaking and the two guards and the woman are talking okay well if they're unaware of this is one of the guards speaking if they don't know that we're watching we'll just prepare and the second that they walk out those gates we will attempt to detain them okay so I I!!!!!!!

Like sheer city okay then if oleg can sneak us out of here and on one of those then that's the way I think out of here without getting caught okay I've got I've got your bill here here you go I just put it all on one she puts it in the middle of the table start clearing some of these away for you thanks becky a compliments to the chef hey you hear that oleg and he nods solemnly we would like private audience with the chef to give him our compliments what the fuck I don't know bro yeah when you say we would like private audience becky's like hmm and then you say bro and she goes ah there we go uh 2d6 plus charisma seven okay yeah no problem just uh we can just clear up your bill and then I can send you into the back with oleg yep bad news guys everybody that got a normal meal is one coin and then billy is 15 coins?

God damn it that's 18 coins okay I'm really sorry everyone it's okay you ate it all I did but I thought it wasn't all you can eat and it was too late once I found out the truth how much how much money do you have zero oh yeah I don't have I gave oleander all our money you had 20 all of our money okay we had 500 gold coins at one point billy might have a couple coins I do have forger's gold oh that's how we could use up we could so the plan is what to try and pay for your bill with forger's gold yes and what form is it in right now it's like a little vial right yeah it's in a jar so I need some time can you just make a lump of gold that looks like it's huge enough to cover an 18 coin would that work I mean do that yeah you know what let's roll Spout Lore 2d6 plus intelligence so eight eight okay so yeah ving you remember this uh of course the great forest doesn't really have traditional currency which in some cultural way extended to much of the frozen north uh barter is accepted basically everywhere if not on a governmental level like when you get closer to the cities of like sheer city and old cheer we got to talk more about what that is actually like up there there are unified currencies but most places will accept barter just because that's the way it was for a long time so you think you could pass off a lump of forger's gold as enough gold to pay your bill okay I'm gonna um yeah I'm folding up a fork and bending it around the fork just to give it some weight I guess I don't know oh that's smart that is really smart yeah give me 2d6 plus wisdom yeah see if you can do this in a smart way I got six I'll eight squish up the fork yeah I'll help you squish the fork with my stupid big hands with my big hands that I can't seduce a single guy with oh what my god amazing snake island is fucking christ this is bullshit incredible that's fate that's fate baby damn it so we both fail oh no yeah you both fail shitting fuck this doesn't make any sense I've gotten so many snake eyes this episode it's cause you said you didn't want any so you're squishing up the fork and ving is like pouring foragers gold into his hand and like trying to mash it into a lump but it's like sticking to your hand so you got this like layer of gold on your hands and you're both getting really panicked cause you're like how the fuck does this thing work and maggie's like uh fuck uh hey folks I hate to be I hate to be this person but I think we've got company and she looks outside and the two guards are like moving towards the diner shit fuck time to dash can I do escape route but like apply it to her everyone or is it just me uh read escape route for me so when you're in too deep and need a way out name your escape and roll a roll plus dexterity on 10 plus you're gone on a 7 to 9 you can stay or go but but if you go it costs you something so yeah I think with a 10 like I think with escape route if you were to succeed mm-hmm billy would be able to get out without additional rolls and I think it would reveal a path in which the rest could escape but they would still have to like probably roll something to follow you you know what I mean yeah I think that makes sense does that work that seems like the safest way out of here like we're gonna fucking make a ruckus getting out of here anyway I have this gunpowder I'm gonna throw it into his fire get him out of the way good idea oh yeah okay roll your escape route uh 13 13 holy shit yeah so I I tell you guys really quickly what I'm gonna do and I'm gonna say meet me in the back okay I like jump out of my high chair and run over to oleg and I'm like oleg you and I are blood brothers now hey yes boy yeah I really need your help getting out of here anything for you my small boy please lead me and my friends to safety out the back why what is wrong there are a bunch of narcs coming up after us his his vision darkens I hate narcs I do too come with me okay if you want to live I do want to live he looks like arnold schwarzenegger looks exactly like arnold schwarzenegger massive guy come it's arnold schwarzenegger with prison stick at books yeah and he grabs you and just carries you into the back like a small bag of apples I look at my friends be safe and he takes you yeah through like the back door out into the snow one of the back of the ice tracks it says um the chopper on it get to the chopper yeah he looks at you and says this one needs to leave soon my friend he is he is good he is trustworthy boy a heart of gold he's he go to sheer city he goes all the way to sheer city he do but the road and he holds you close to his face the road is dangerous between here and there my friend it's okay many many obstacles I will be brave okay and our and your friendship our friendship will give me the strength to go on he clutches you to his chest I clutch him oh like how can I ever repay you leave and he throws fucking whips him into the back of his truck and uh yeah the rest of you are sitting at the table and just so I understand what the treks look like they look like the ice boats but they're huge with massive skids on them I'm genuinely imagining it's hard for me not to just imagine a semi truck that's what I was thinking made of wood with skis okay and but but like the front and the cart are like attached because it's still like a carriage basically okay it's covered okay you know what I mean and then there are uh teams of dogs that are just in there too yeah there's also dogs here okay are they just like sleeping up at the front yeah pretty much they're like the spare they're like spare tires like if there's not enough wind then they get the dogs out okay yeah maggie's like looking out the window at the cops and she's like okay they're coming what do we do what are we gonna do slowly get up and move out here I'm gonna throw this gunpowder into the fire in the middle of the room it's gonna make a huge ruckus go go go okay defy danger charisma to act casual okay everybody act casually okay uh ten yes uh plus charisma seven okay so tuck you get up shockingly casually uh dave ving's persona slides out of the booth next to you and maggie starts sliding out of the booth like pushing perel who was on the aisle side and move just go go now get up I'm trying to get up but I'm trying to be casual and he's like trying to drink his tea as he stands up leave your fucking tea dude and then he looks at the window and goes and he sees that the cops are like hurrying up and then you all look and the cops start rushing towards the diner they definitely see we start running I say I apologize everyone for what's about to happen and then throw the just smash the jar of um gunpowder into the the fire in the middle of the room underneath the flat top okay 2d6 plus wisdom wisdom yeah yeah great six gonna need some I help oh eight okay great thank you so um it is ving throws it and it hits the ground and and tucks scoops it up and it whips it into the fire yeah so I slam it down as hard as I can it goes ding ding ding doesn't break that's I told you mason jars are incredible and the jar skids across the lid pops off and all the powder scatters across the ground oh my gosh so tuck scoops it up and throws the powder into the fire so it's not a bomb like a like a glass jar full if it would have been so it doesn't do exactly what you want but it is very loud and it does that like firework like like instead of a huge boom but the only problem is that the room rapidly fills with smoke yeah oh yeah it's hard for you to see now we get low and get go yeah and you hear the door burst open the bell sounds like it rips off the wall and then tuck screams fire everybody get out to get everyone to rush rush the front door yeah totally 2d6 plus charisma having a bad time you got this no no yeah 13 okay and a bunch of people the scattering of people that were in here including becky like rush towards the door yeah and as you're hustling towards the back you hear like twang twang and two crossbow bolts like thunk into the wall around you you get through the back there's still a little bit less smoke but you see an open door and standing in the door is a powerful man covered in stick it poke tattoos and he goes this way and we follow him of course you do it's impossible not to and you get outside and the wind is starting to pick up the snow is starting to blow whistling through the stones and there's a big open freight entrance with a a track right there rumbling in the snow as the dog is starting to like yeah pull at their lead it starts to pick up speed they're raising the mast on it too wind is picking up in the sails and he goes go be free do what it is ever you are doing I don't know but go get away from the tux says thank you oleg and then he holds his hand up for one of those oleg grabs your hand what is this kind of handshake called this is just called the predator handshake it's the predator handshaker predator handshake your biceps both bulge aggressive you son of a got you pushing too many pencils and then we hold for too long as we both try and make our biceps as big as possible but it's like a show of respect rather than intimidation yeah totally respect and we're also looking at each other's yeah there's a little bit of it that's flirting yeah just like god damn that's a big man right back at you buddy now go okay and then tuck uh it shifts to a wide he's holding uh an on fire log from the fire and he whips it at the cops that are coming through uh give me a defy danger dexterity uh ten now you're rolling great so the two cops come rushing out the back door and they both just get laid out by a huge log and you're you run along so you run up behind the ice trek and you hop in the entrance and ving tuck billy and perel and maggie all course off into the snow blizzard starting I want to do a elemental mastery okay yeah to try and cover our tracks yeah otherwise they'll just know exactly where we went nice so roll plus con ten ten okay so on a ten the effect I desire comes to pass and I will retain control so you will pay nature's price yeah okay so you call on the winds of the frozen north the mighty northern gales to blow the snow to cover your tracks to hide you from your enemies and get us out of here faster and get you out of here faster the wind picks up in the sails and the dogs basically start falling behind because the trek is going so fast and they're trained to jump on when it accelerates under the force of the wind it's actually pretty cute to watch because they nose each other up I was thinking that too so cute uh and then suddenly your mind is filled with a vision of gale force winds towers of gray cloud piercing into the sky locked in battle with a mighty thunderbird whoa claws wings feathers flying blood arcing towards the ground you know that you are seeing through the eyes of cloud piercer and he is in pain whoa and that's where we're gonna end it for this week your game master Shawn O'Hara joining me as always playing tacoma dome the barbarian abdulaziz so long playing ving the half elf druid Paul Oppers take care guys and playing fat billy the halfling thief Jessica Tai nooo aaron reed is our intro and outro music composer and performer you can find all the music that aaron has composed and performed for the show written by abdul and I at soundcloud.com and you can find aaron's album healthy at aaronreed.

Bandcamp.com thank you to our supporters around the world for supporting the show if you would like to support the show and get access to hours upon hours of bonus content merchandise special games clothing or not clothing just saying whatever clothing food implements handcrafted blades custom written wedding vows and my hand in marriage postcards and a whole other bunch of cool stuff find us at patreon.com slash speltlore or speltlore.com slash money please we'll see you next time and so ends the tale of adventures three who tried the best they can though dumb and scared and lost they be for time's abreast in revelry and though our journey may be like a conclusion we will not leave you without a resolution return next week to hear some more whilst you commute or do your chores and for you I'd gladly speltlore