Episode 3 – Lil Sir

Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers have health, he shifts his shape, and wields a spear with great might Peely's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends, and listen close For the tale's about to start Hi there, and welcome.

Hi there, and welcome. To Spout Lore. I'm your game master, Sean O'Hara. With me as always, playing Fat Billy the Halfling Thief, Jessica Tai. Peace. Playing Tacoma Dome, the Barbarian, Abdul Aziz. Hello. And playing Ving, the Half-Elf Druid, Paul Oppers. Good afternoon. When last we left our heroes, they just kinda had a chill travel time. And they hit the coast of the Sea of Graves for the very first time. And they took a little dip in the water, and Ving… Trip ball. Yeah.

Ving communed with the spirits of the Sea of Graves. Amazing. And was given a vision of some sort of great bird. Some sort of massive flying beast. And who knows what it… It was a Thunderbird. That's what we determined. Is that it was a Thunderbird. Probably. Perhaps the king of all Thunderbirds. Oh, cool. But maybe just a bird. Who can say? I can. It was a Thunderbird. And Billy took more dumps in more bodies of water. And Tuck and Perel had a little conversation.

About Billy's potential magical ability. As the sea… The water of the Sea of Graves seemingly gave Billy some greater control over his magical powers. And perhaps with the right tools and the right training, Billy could come to be a more versatile magic user. Which is pretty cool. And then they traveled up the coast a little bit further and hit the town of Little Sur. That appears to have a mayor who is a small cat with a hat. His name is Little Sur. Yeah.

I think the town is named after the cat Little Sur. Who knows what the town was named before. They hit up an herbalist shop where Bing attempted to… Well, and successfully restocked on poultices and herbs. Got a little bit of that dank halfling pipe leaf at the same time. Sure. And Billy, who was apparently felt slighted by the owner Brody, decided to go try and lift a little bit of oil of Taget for his own uses. Thereby dumping a leader on himself and knocking himself out.

Tuck was gonna throw a pig at him. Yeah. And because of that incredible feat of strength and recklessness, Brody helped them wake Billy back up. But not before Billy had a little reminiscence of his exile from the Halfling Lands. But besides that, it was pretty chill. And that's where we find our heroes now. In the town of Little Sur. Billy and Bing, who we left in the tent after Billy woke up, are probably still there doing whatever they were doing.

But we open on Tuck and Mears in the town of Little Sur. And Francis, who's probably outside. What are Tuck and Mears up to? I kinda just wanted to get like… There's like a bunch of artisanal food shops that have way too expensive cheese and sausages and stuff. And I'm like, yeah, there's fucking nothing else to do. I'm just gonna buy a bunch of this bullshit. So how much money? You know, standard beach town stuff. Yeah, totally.

Where you're like, just fucking load me up with whatever shit you have. Oh, just anything you've made out of shells. Yeah. I'll pay you a lot of money for it. And so you're just in a cheese store? Yeah, I'm in a cheese store. Yeah. It's the same, like, food store that Mears was in earlier, buying peppers. And you kinda met up with Mears in the pepper store. Yeah. She's old. She's pretty portly. She's got gray hair. She's got a lot of hair. She's got a lot of hair. She's got a lot of hair.

She's got a lot of hair. She's got a lot of hair. She's got a lot of hair. There's a lot of hair. There's a lot of hair. There's a lot of hair. There's a lot of hair. There's a lot of hair. She's pretty portly. She's got gray hair in braids that wrap around the sides of her head. She looks like fucking Princess Leia. But like more Bavarian. Oh, cool. Yeah. And she's just like, what can I do for you? I'm just looking around. Can I help you look around? Have you tried our cheeses?

Do you have any samples? Oh, do we have samples? And she pulls up a piece of wood and it's got all these samples already laid out with toothpicks in them. Okay. Well, I eat them all. One at a time. Do you contemplate the flavors at all? Or is it just… How many different flavors are there? There's 12. Okay. And what are they? They are cranberry, pistachio, some kind of mystery meat. That's what she says. This one is chives. This one is double chive. This one is cranberry again. Whoops.

How'd that get in there? There's only 11 flavors. And she said, and that's all of them. And then I do the thing that you always do in that situation. And you go, just give me old cheddar. Old cheddar it is. And she slaps a big block up on the counter. How much is that? It's two coins. Okay. Yeah. I mean, you bought cheese. Is there anything else you're trying to get out of this lady? What? Is this not good enough for you? No, this is great. Is this not good enough Dungeons and Dragons?

You know, I just had an expectation of high adventure and intrigue and mystery. And you're buying fucking cheese. And Mears is happy to be in here as long as you want to be. No, I want to check out one of the other stores. Yeah. What are you looking for? I don't know. Is there like a shit store? Just like stuff with garbage? Yeah. Like a curiosity shop. Yeah. There's like a thrift store. Yeah. I go in there. It started as a general store. It's actually called General Store. Oh, cool. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Where travelers just sold all their garbage. Okay. And over time, it ended being, it stopped being a general store and became a store full of garbage. Like just travel. It's like a giant traveler shrine almost. Yeah. It kind of is. It kind of is.

Like one of those woven snowshoes and there's like a canoe yeah and there's just a real uh saggy looking guy with a handlebar mustache on the counter mirrors and I are kind of just like in there and tuck is uh I think he's becoming more and more aligned to the patron of the traveler because that's like more what our identity is becoming it's like we're just travelers so he goes in there and I think he wants to like sell something and pick something up cool because that's what people do here right that is what people do here so yeah we're just kind of browsing through yeah all right I'm like mirrors are you gonna get any of this dumb shit I don't know I got all my food unless we see some oh you know it'd be great a steamer like for clothes no for like vegetables okay you know it's like a metal thing and it folds out it looks like a flower okay you a a something and pick something up cool because that's what people do here right that is what people do here so yeah we're just kind of browsing through yeah all right I'm like mirrors are you gonna get any of this dumb shit I don't know I got all my food unless we see some oh you know it'd be great uh steamer like for clothes no for like vegetables okay you know it's like a metal thing and it folds out it looks like a flower okay you steam vegetables okay you don't burn them on the bottom of the pot whoa you have a steamer he's like rifling around is there any type of stuff that tuck is looking for is it just garbage um I think tuck's like attracted right now to like like history books oh yeah there's a pile of books for sure yeah can I can I discern realities to see if any of the books are like sure yeah like uh better than oh like a higher value than they actually are oh I want to I want to see if any of these are like kind of rare or cool that the that the dumb shit that works here this is what I'm telling mirrors I'm like hey you know what I like to do in these stores I like to look around see if there's anything like cool that like the dumb shits that work here don't even know about you know tuck's a picker yeah all right yeah give me a 2d6 there's like a show about this in mccall there's like where they play yeah they uh yeah they do like this big stage show yeah where it's like called the shit road show yeah road uh okay yeah so you're gonna do a discern realities uh yes okay 2d6 plus uh wisdom 10 thank god okay so you get three questions off the discern realities list what here is useful or valuable to me uh there is a book that on the outside says like tinctures and elixirs an herbalist guide to herbalism oh but you're flipping through it and you're like oh this is about alchemy oh like this isn't about like regular herbalism like there are entries in here that are about magical alchemy cool magicians used to write books with like seemingly they would write them like under the guise of other things and that's something like herbalism or like costume design they could oh yeah simple architecture like building from the earth right because we had talked about how like in the old like in the bad times like when the wizards were being hunted they had to like they were using those like memory books to keep their shit secret right yeah because they were burning magic books but maybe this was like another strategy but their arrogance would like make them make these other things where they're like hiding out and playing with these different books totally because who do I have to pay for the dumb fuck behind the counter yeah you got to pay the guy that works at the store or you can who's he his name is bartleby uh-huh and he is um he's got a dagger on the counter point down with his finger over it and he's just spinning it idly and I'm like how much is this book one coin okay cool and then I look for like a blanket for billy yeah you find a very old but sturdy like wool blanket and I'm like how much is the blanket one coin okay cool yeah I'll take both two coin thank you you want to sell oh right yeah I was gonna sell yeah I'm gonna leave behind this the penetrable billhook impenetrable billhook the impenetrable billhook you're gonna leave it behind yeah this incredible item and weapon that has traveled with you for lo these many months now I'll leave behind billy's armor that he never used you never used it you didn't even want it I might want it one day no I'm leaving this behind because I'm getting you a blanket okay I'm leaving the armor behind all right were you even gonna was billy even gonna wear the armor I don't know I feel like you only want it now because I'm about to give it away it's kind of cool billy could show up later on in his hometown wearing armor it's a big flex it's okay in my mind tuck is just like billy hates this why would I keep it I won't stop yeah that's what tuck believes like billy hates this armor I'm gonna give him a blanket instead uh yeah and the guy goes one coin okay cool thanks thank you and he throws one of your coins back yeah and I mean that's the story that's the way the store works buy buy one coin sell one coin that's all I wanted all right bye mirrors did you find anything uh no steamers okay I found a pepper mill though are you gonna buy it no it's like full of spider eggs okay uh a guy says spider egg two coin spider egg one coin pepper mill one coin I don't think I'm gonna buy it okay one coin I don't think I'm gonna buy it I'll give you two coins get those spiders out of my store because I'm gonna go now and mirrors just walks out the door yeah we go back to the tent we cut back to uh billion ving in the tent what are billion being up to um I'm playing with the oil of taggett bottle like a lava lamp careful easy careful you can see like a lava lamp and you can see like a lava lamp and you can see like a lava lamp and you can see like a lava lamp and you can see like the oil like uh run a little bit further down the lip of the bottle like just past the cork a little bit further past the cork really don't fuck around with me I'm sorry no it's okay just we only have so much weed left and uh and I need it this is daddy's weed daddy needs his weed and mirrors is like oh billy you got a little toy there huh what's this what and he takes he reaches for the bottle and he's like oh I need this weed bottle whoa don't touch it whoa oh it's not a cooking instrument what's hey it's for me what is it none of your business I bury it in my bed uh is billy okay he's acting a little touchy hey he's super sleepy I'm just grumpy I think he's a little bit uh high too I'd say so okay what time is it it's like yeah like late morning almost noonish let's see what fuck yeah let's go cat man uh so you yeah you just head back to town hall yeah yeah and um what does it look like town hall it is a um big scratching post it's a very normal looking like one-story building uh it's not too big it's about it's like medium-sized for the town and it's just made out of wood like it's a normal looking wooden building and it says town hall on the sign knock knock knock and it's like a big wooden building and it's like a big wooden building and it's like a big wooden building and uh it's come in like wait what we opened the door there's a person at a desk oh okay oh my god we thought you weren't talking chat man you thought I was the cat right yeah a lot of people think I'm the cat uh what's your name um uh margum margum margum uh welcome to town hall what can I do for you do you need a permit sure one permit to meet the mayor please oh you don't need a permit to meet the mayor you can meet the mayor whenever you want where is he he's in the mayor's office oh my god and I look billy looks over and it's like a tiny room with glass and the window is up top high up and it's just a scratching post inside like it's like a little cat tower this is so exciting and it is just kind of like there's like a viewing section for this room and there's just a little cat with a bowler hat on oh is he walking around on two feet he's laying down oh my god I go in like laying down on his side like licking his hand little sir and billy goes in yeah billy goes yeah and the cat looks up and goes oh my god it is a cat uh yeah how did it become mayor oh it's a really funny story actually 10 years ago um a cat called big sir was as a joke written in as a mayoral candidate and the town thought he was so cute that we all just voted for him and then his uh his his descendant little sir is now the town's mayor that's sort of sort of the whole situation wow so cute he's been mayor for three years he's four oh my god you're so accomplished can I touch the mayor oh of course he loves chin scratches scoop him up yeah hand him to billy oh I put my face directly in his tummy it's so soft I smush it around oh that's all I'm doing yeah I mean that's the that's the mayor situation and and margum's like thank you so much for coming I hope you did you enjoy the mayor yeah it was cute I want to look around for anything valuable all right he like looks at tuck and winks like I'm on it I give him a thumbs up we're doing it in front of margum yeah I want to see if there's any crystals in here or anything like that okay can I yeah for sure discern reality realities 2d6 plus wisdom all right wow 11.

Anything valuable useful to me well I mean this room's like a cat room there's like a little oil oil portrait of little sir that somebody did that looks really nice cool yeah it's probably pretty expensive starting to get the idea there's not a lot in here for us except the cat mayor I mean I think yeah I think we came in here we were like sinister cat is in charge of this town we're kind of realizing that no it's just a cat is there anything you need done doing cat mayor things talking to them oh yeah and margum's like uh he's a cat I know we are mercenaries from lands far away we've come with the talents and deeds in mind anything you need and it sounds like I'm sitting on the ground right now billy's in my lap and the cat's on billy and he's saying he's like oh thank god one whomst I can communicate with I've been waging a slow campaign against the rats of this town for generations yes my cat is a cat and I'm sitting on the ground right now and I'm sitting on the ground yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes And what are we seeing?

You're seeing Ving go, and you're seeing the cat go, and it's like reaching up, yeah, it's batting at Ving's hair, and it's like rolling against Billy because Billy's holding it in his arms. And it's just like… We would love to be in of service if we can for a small price, but supply us with things we need for our further adventures. We'd be happy to attempt to quell the rotten rat rebellion. I would be happy to pay any price to see their dastardly lives cut short.

I would give you any fish that you require or desire. I would nuzzle you. I would sit on your lap for as long as you please. Do this, and you will have my undying gratitude and as many head bumps as you so wish. You are too kind. And gracious that that… We will destroy the rats! Ving said that in a human voice. Do we just take a job? Yeah. Okay. Fuck me. Hell yeah. All right. And Margum's like, what is happening? To the stores. Where are your fish stores? I mean, where's your fish stores?

Like the smoke house? Yeah. It's down by the beach. To the fish house. Down to the beach. I say goodbye to the cat. I try to steal him. You try and walk out with the cat? I do. He does not bite you at all. I put the mayor under my shirt. Okay. Give me a defy danger dexterity. Oh, I've been doing this. Cool. Wow. I succeed. Plus your dexterity? Nine. Okay. I see Billy doing this. I try and help. Stand in front of him. Bye. I distract him. Margum. Yeah. With muscles. Okay. Yeah. All right.

All right. 2D6 plus bond to aid Billy. Okay. 11. Oh my God. So Margum's just like leaning against the wall, really drinking you in. And what are you doing? And I'm like, I take out the book that I bought and I take out a pair of glasses that I stole from that store and I like put them on. And I'm like, Oh, this poetry is really making me feel introspective. And then I stare at the window. I take the glasses off and I like chew on the edge. And then I make my pecs and traps dance.

And her mouth is just hanging open. It's like, you like poetry. Sometimes I feel like I can't think of the word. I can't think of the word. I can't think of the word. I can't think of the word. I can't think of the word. I can't think of the word. I can't think of anything else to say. Could you, could you read me a poem? Do you think? Could you, could you read me one? I flipped the book open.

And it, the book says, um, the leaf of once cherry leaf and three hay berries shall produce a tincture for diarrhea or whatever. To, to produce tinctures to create diarrhea? It's unclear. Okay.

And then I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, Three worm leaf.

Really slowly as he's tiptoeing out the door. A pinch of worm salt. And the dust of sky iron. Creates a tincture for diarrhea. And she looks a little confused at the diarrhea part. And then I close the book and I'm like, feelings. She nods. Wow, you look like you are really in touch with your feelings. Feelings. Wow. So what are you doing? And Billy, you get to the door. Yeah, I'm just waiting at the door and the cat's squirming around a lot. But I'm still. Yeah.

We're going to go deal with your rat problem. Oh, okay. Well, I'll be here all day. Yeah, maybe I'll see you later. I mean, maybe you will. Yeah. And then I turn around and I… So the door is a pull, but I push it. And break. And then I… I am like, let's go, everybody. And I… Whenever it was that I turn around and I just like put it on the hole that's left. And she sees you rip the door off accidentally. And she's like, wow. And she's fanning herself. I'll fix that.

Don't you worry about it. You can fix it when you come back. Okay. Okay, bye. I don't know how to… I talked to these guys. I'm like, I don't know how to fix a door. And Billy has a cat now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Don't think you need my help with like rats. Okay, cool, man. We're gonna get some fish. I'm gonna get you some more fish. Oh, that'd be great. Free food. Yeah, hell yeah. Cool. Okay, bye.

Yeah, we'll stock up on a shitload of fish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go. And smoke, so it'll last a long time. And you get to the smoke shack. It's pretty big. It's like, for a smoke shack, it's like several chambers connected by like looks like mud tunnels that they've kind of made airtight so the smoke doesn't escape. But there's smoke pouring out of like little chimneys here and there. Okay. It's pretty big. Where should we start, oh, wonderful mayor?

I have spent many, many a day within the confines of my offices, my chambers, my mayoral estate. So I have not lain eyes upon the tracks of these beasts for days. You may have to cast your eye about for their comings and their goings. Well, does someone want to discern realities to look for rats? So I'm looking for rats because the mayor is talking out of my shirt. Well, uh, oh, seven. Okay, so you get one question. What's useful? What's useful or valuable to me?

Around one edge of the smoke shack, you see there's a little hole that's been chewed through the wood. It's really small. It's like maybe like toony sized. Yes, it's rat sized. I scurry up. I'm like, there. This is where they leave. Leave or go, I think. That's so funny because I imagine Billy's just like Greg from over the garden wall. He's just like, there! Yeah. This is where they go or come. Maybe. Just full arm gesturing. Like he's a detective.

Yeah, Billy twiddles his fingers inside the hole. What? Easy, Billy. He like wiggles them around. He's like rifling around in there. You guys are pervs. Oh, what? Didn't even think that. You can get bit by a rat. Yeah. Yeah. No, I was just like, why? He's like, here's where they come. There's where the dangerous rats are. And he jams his feet inside. Billy doesn't think well. Are rats around? Can I see a rat? No, you can't see a rat. You can see their tracks. I want to follow the tracks.

I want to get a rat and then mark it with the eye of a tiger and then follow, see where it lives, where the rat king is. Great. I love it. Give me a defy danger wisdom. Fuck yeah. Hey. Okay. So is this for eye of a tiger? No, this is for finding a rat. Okay. So it's Billy is got his hand through the hole and you're you're like patting or patting on the other side and you touch something furry. A furry. And I can say that again. No, that's very. A furry is great. A furry is so funny. A furry.

And Billy, you just like close your hand. Yeah. And you yank it back out and you got a. A little rat. Oh, small boy. Oh. What do I do with it? Hold still. And it's. He saw. It's flipping out. And you can hear. Then you can hear the rat going. Let go of me. Let go. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. We will let go of. I take it and I'm talking to him and then I. I want to use eye of the tiger. What does that do?

When I mark an animal with mud, dirt, blood or cum, you can see through the animal's eyes as if they were your own. No matter what distance separates you. Only one animal at a time may be marked income. I use mud. I'm not a pervert. Oh, my God. Yeah. So you. Take some dirt from the. From the ground and then I spit in the dirt and then I put it on the back. All right. So could you. Can I see. Eye of the tiger again. Eye of the tiger. You don't have to do anything. You just mark it.

I have to sing the song. Yeah. You see through the eyes of this rat. Oh, yeah. I don't have to roll. No, you don't have to roll. You can just see through the eyes of a rat. Go. Oh, rat. And it goes. Let me go. Yep. Let him go. And it scurries away. Yep. And it doesn't go back through the wall. Yeah. It runs off and you're watching it. It runs like on the edge of town and then it starts running through the town and then it gets. We're following it. Yeah. So you're following this track.

It goes kind of the long way around some buildings and then cuts through town. It goes under a building and then comes out the other side and it's dark for a while. Scary, scary, scary, scary, scary. And it pops up and you see an older woman kind of portly with braids wrapped around her head and she's like moving vegetables and the rat runs through her legs and she goes, oh, sorry, I'll get out of your way. And it runs into the back of the room and there's like cages full of rats. What the fuck?

In the back of this room. Yeah. Oh, my God. I think the vegetable woman, the Bavarian Leia is breeding or hoarding rats. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Yeah. We're going to go to the food store. Yeah. What's this place called? Vegetable Town. Okay. We're going to go to Vegetable Town. Vegetable Town. And then underneath a newer sign says plus cheese. Billy runs into the wrong store. It's just bongs. Sorry, Brody. Yeah. Brody's in this store as well. It's a separate store, but Brody's still in here.

Billy's still a little loopy from waking up. He's still high. Yeah. He also can't read. He doesn't know. Yeah. And yeah, you run into Vegetable Town plus cheese and the lady's there and she's behind the counter. She says, oh, welcome back here for some more samples. Yes. And I wink at the rest. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Resume what do you hand her uh nothing he's going like this and like gesturing his whole body yeah no it's employees only sorry I can't help you but I can give you some samples I'll pretend to know what the mayor's saying what's that oh the mayor says he has to do his annual inspection that's a cat darling I oh I see that your license has expired I really must insist that you leave you're asking the mayor to leave yes I'm asking the mayor to leave I cover the mayor's ears she goes who sent you the mayor sent us how did the mayor's a cat he doesn't know anything he's a stupid cat so then I asked the mayor tell me something about this woman that only you would know oh brenda your name is brenda yeah you could have asked anybody in town what my name is brenda was uh she was seeing gregum at the smoke shack you remember things ended poorly what happened at the smoke shack with gregum you remember anyone's being in the room besides gregum who are you gregum sent you no the mayor sent us I don't understand what you're what you're talking about please you must leave you must leave this is so tense that tuck is sitting behind the counter eating the samples and watching it like it's a soap opera you're just behind the counter yeah I'm I somehow got back there and I'm like wow wow high entry so wait so you're telling me that you're basically where you want to go and you're not doing anything I guess I did I didn't even know that you were doing anything and you're not doing anything and she's pushing ving and billy like out like you gotta go go you must go go right now sure we will go door go in the door and then I'm like oh yeah okay and then I go I turn around I open the door what do I see she hears you open the door no don't and there's just a bunch of cages of rats and they're all they're all eating artisanal cheeses what the fuck is this that's you you wouldn't understand I mean try us we've seen a lot of weird things I thought gregum was the love of my life uh-huh and all he cares about is smoking fish okay I thought maybe a romance novels I thought maybe if I could destroy his fish that he would he would have no choice but to find solace in my arms and your cheese and my cheeses and my fresh vegetables you don't understand just don't how you're gonna tell everyone aren't you no I mean why why would we like how did you how did you even get here fucking we walked no but how do you know about the rats who could know I've been so careful I told you the mayor knows the cat knows the cat knows she's just so confused our friend ving is a druid he has the ability to commune with animals oh oh oh the gills okay and look at these crystal hands I should have I should have connected the dots I'm sorry I was a little worked up about you finding out the darkest secret that I have it's fine we're not gonna tell anyone that you're hoarding rats in a cheese store like we're not gonna tell anyone but maybe just tell us what happened with you and gregum well it's like I said gregum and I we were together for two beautiful summers and at the end of the summer he would always say brenda I'm sorry I have to go back to smoking fish so the town has fish to eat and I have fish to sell and I would say gregum we can be together you can smoke fish at the same time and he said no and finally after two summers of being strung along by this little strumpet I'd had enough and I thought I could destroy his fish with all of these rats that I caught over a series of weeks as an artisanal cheese merchant it's pretty easy to to catch rats when you want they don't have much to eat in the in the on the beach so they come here to my cheeses and I just throw the cheese in a cage and the rats go in one after the other and eventually I had more rats than I knew what to do with more rats the cheese so I had to start feeding them another way and I thought the best way was with a little river and thus my plan was hatched what a fucking crazy fucking way to try and get your boyfriend back have you never been in love yeah like literally every day I fall in love with a different lady but and you've never tried to sabotage them in an attempt to drive them back to you certainly not no that's so unhealthy well hooray for you now can you get out of my are you gonna tell gregum no but do you want us to help you with gregum would you billy presses up we can make you we can make him love you again yeah billy's still outside he's been listening from outside yeah laughing through the window yeah we're gonna help him fall in love with you again there's just this little petty kid like pressed up against the window we can make him love you again she's like what and then everyone else sounds like what a weird day yeah like this sucks guy tried to throw a pig uh the mayor got stolen for some reason you would do that if you promise to get rid of the rats they are the enemy of the mayor all right this is a parlay man we're really digging into this okay I need a so the the thing is is we'll help gregum fall in love with you again but you got to get rid of the rats yeah we'll we'll be your sereno de bergerac so who's leading that billy I think billy's outside screaming in through a window no I think it's you okay okay 2d6 plus charisma oh yeah eight eight okay so on a seven to nine they need concrete assurance right now uh billy has a love potion no I I could make one billy screams I can make a love potion love potion that's a great idea wait are we not gonna use this book of alchemy is there a love potion billy probably can't make a love potion but I mean if you're trying to convince her that you can that I mean that makes sense okay yeah go for it I like billy lying and then we'll figure it out later okay she's like is that is that was what he says true yes you can make a love potion he has all these different poisons see and then I take a little bit of the oil I put on my tongue I pass he'll be like that for 15 minutes we hope yeah once she sees you use the what you say is a like a sleep potion she's like oh now now now I want this literally something I bought next we bought yeah and so tuck hits the ground but she's still talking to ving and she's like you know I want this to be clear I I I want grgan to love me for real yeah not because of potions okay but if you can help with a potion sure fake it till you make it okay that works on love okay but you're not gonna tell I'll get rid of the rats yeah like you can't just put them outside the town they'll come back and they'll be back and they'll be back and they'll be back and they'll be back and They'll come back.

Maybe… No, no, no. Hold on. Now, hold on. Now, hear me out. Hear me out. Do you think you could use like six cages of rats? I'm offloading them at an incredible price. I'll take them off your hands. Ving wants to deal with them. He doesn't want to kill them. Okay. He's going to convince them to go away. What if Ving's spirit animal ends up being 300 rats? Yeah. It's just so many rats. Most people have like a hawk. Or a wolf. Or a cougar. I've got 30 rats. Together, they're brats. My roommate.

I've got a bunch of rats I collectively refer to as brats. I'll walk around. He's slightly shorter than I am. Okay. She's like, all right. Okay. Okay. I'll be here. Is there anything that you need from me? Anything I should prepare? Some grilled cheese sandwiches, but new cheese, please. Okay. I can do that. That I can do. Okay. I'm so excited. And she goes back and she brings out six cages of rats. I'll take those. Okay. All right. Oh, I'm so excited. Oh, I can't believe it.

Greg, I'm coming, my love. And then she hustles off into the back room. To make us the grilled cheese sandwich. I guess so, yeah. In the rat room. She goes back to the room with all the rats to make grilled cheese sandwiches. She's laughing really hard because Sean said, I'm coming, my love. Well, you know. You just say it's funny. Okay. So you leave Vegetable Town plus Cheez-Its. And what's your plan? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Well, we're going to fucking track down Greg.

We're going to make a love potion. Yeah. Well, first we should find out what his deal is. Like why he doesn't want to be with this lady except for in the summers. And then, yeah, maybe we'll go back to the tent and see if we can make up a love potion with Perel in this book. Okay. Maybe he was hinted at her insanity. Yeah, maybe. The fact that she raised a bunch of rats to get revenge on him. Yeah. We'll see if we can convince him just with words first and then we'll make this roofie. Great.

So you presume that you could probably find Gregum at the smoke shack. Yeah. It's a smoke switch. Yeah. Let's head down to there. All right. So you head down and you… What's the smoke shack called? Smoke shack. But with two Ks. Cool. No E's. S-M-O-K-S-H-A-K. Can it be two Cs instead of two Ks? Totally. Can it be three Ks at the end? Okay. What? Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. It's two Cs and then Shaq has three Ks. No. Let's make it three. Okay. But they're not next to each other.

One fell off and it's on the ground. Yeah. I just go to open the door and it's a push, but I end up pulling. I rip the door off. Oh, my God. Oh, fuck. Smoke is just pouring out. And you hear somebody inside go, close the door. I can't anymore. Smoke's kicking out. Are you Greg? And this really tall, but super hunched over old man with really leathery tan skin. Holy shit. And a dark stained beard and hair comes out. And he's like, I'm trying to smoke a fish in here. Greg? Yeah.

Greg, I'm trying to smoke a fish in here. You smell like Unagi. Because I'm smoking eels in here. I got some eel. You got to close the door. Okay. We fixed the door. Give us. Yeah. Give us one. One second. And we get into a huddle. What language is he speaking in? And you just hear him back going, open, close the smoking door. Yeah. We can hear him like banging the door against the wall. Yeah. Well, this is confusing. Like, this is the person that she's in love with? Yeah.

But look at the person that he was in love with. They're meant for each other. Okay. We got to make this happen. All right. So we go back and we talk to him. Yeah. So, Greg, what do you like in a woman? I just like strong ties and nice broad back carrying stuff, smoking fish. What about on the inside? Tenacious, intelligent, horny as all hell. That's what I like. That's what Greg likes in a woman. That's what my daddy likes in a woman. I'm going to like my asshole Greg.

I'm writing all of this down. Tenacious, intelligent, broad back. I can barely understand. Well, welcome to Greg. He's smoking cigarettes. Yeah. He's smoking fish. He's got a little piece of fish that's on fire and he's breathing in smoke. He's smoking a fish. He's got a little piece of, he's got a tiny little anchovy sticking out of his mouth. That's burning like a cigarette? He packs sardines in a pipe. Yeah. And it actually smells really good in here. It does.

Gregum smells so good and he looks so rough. Yeah. He looks like he's been living in a smoke shack for his whole life. He sure does. And then I'm like, as I'm writing, I'm like, how old are you, Gregum? 28. Holy fuck. Fish years. 28 years young, you know why? Smoking fish. Yeah. Smoking fish seems like one of the roughest jobs ever. I thought mining was pretty bad. But it depends on how you smoke them. You smoke them right, it really fucks you up. Fish, all the fish last forever. Last forever.

Gregum, we want to help you with your rap problem. Oh. That dang rat's smoking all my fish. Smoking all my fish. He's eating all my smoked fish. I just try to stomp them out when I find them, but they're too quick for Gregum. Yeah, that's right. I plug up that hole, but the thing is, I plug it up with fish, rats just eat the hole and then I come back in. You're just feeding the frenzy, man. Yeah, have you tried plugging in with other things? Ah, it don't work. Have you tried? It don't work.

He's stubborn, we got it. Okay, so the list was thick thighs, strong thighs, tenacious, intelligent, broadback, and horny. As all hell. Yeah. As all hell. He narrows his eyes and takes a long drag off his fish. Okay, we can work with that. Well, Gregum, we represent the interests of an individual. I don't know why. I'm still wearing the glasses, so I'm pretending that I'm a lawyer. Wearing a loincloth and no shirt. Can you close your eyes and take them up slowly as you're saying this?

Yeah, I do that. And then also, I take the blanket that I got Billy, I've got it as a tie. So I just have a tie, loincloth, and a wearing glove. Okay. Gregum, we're solicitors that represent the interests of a very powerful client who meets all of these needs, and she is interested in engaging you for sexual activity and other. Oh, you know what I'm saying? I'm going to come back up old Gregum Street. Tell me about it.

And as an addendum to this agreement, we'll also arrange to resolve your rap problem. So, kind of a twofer for old Gregum, huh? Mm. Gregum's listening. Our client also wants a long-term relationship. Okay. That will last through the smoke season. Yes. Okay. Now, who your client is? We're not at liberty to disclose that at this time. Brenda. We're wondering what you- Brenda! Any slander? He goes back inside and he slams the door. Wait, come back. No, no, no. Tell Brenda. The door just falls.

All right, yeah. So he slams it. We just walk through it. It just falls down at your feet. We all walk over the door. What do you just tell Brenda? Don't work. It just don't work. Why? Different people. I love smoking fish. She loves fish. She loves what? Vegetables. Huh? Vegetables. Yeah. Oh my God. Cheat. Plus cheese. Plus cheese. She tried to get me to smoke other stuff. She tried to get him to smoke other stuff. Have you ever had smoked cheddar? Wow. No, you don't smoke cheese.

You smoke fish. I don't like it. She wants to smoke cheese. She can smoke cheese. Greg will smoke fish. He said, if she wants to smoke cheese, she can smoke cheese. Greg will smoke fish. I'm translating for Bill. Bill is nodding in understanding. Yes, okay. And as you're like walking in, because he's walking through the smoke jack, it's just like so hard to see. It's so smoky in here. Billy's maybe the closest. He's the closest to the ground so he can see the clearest. He's fine.

All these adults. Tuck has to hunch over. And you realize that's probably why Greg is all hunched over. Because he's like almost as tall as Tuck. But he's like hunched. And he's like, you want to build our own place. I have smoke cheese in here. Get all the cheese in my fish. Greg, do you live here? Or do you like? I like sleep somewhere else. Greg, I'm sleeping right here. And he points and there's like a little cot on the ground. Oh my God. Okay. You got to smoke.

You got to smoke the fish all night. You know what I mean. Okay. Well, I think we have everything we need. Does anyone else have any questions for Greg? What kind of activities do you like outside of smoking fish? I like fishing. Yeah. I like smoking. Yeah. Sometimes I smoke while I fade. Okay. Sometimes. Yeah. Every once in a while. Every once in a while. When I get a little bit of cat. Go down to Black Glacier. Watch some tetherball. What?

Every once in a while when he gets some cash, he goes down to Black Glacier and watches some tetherball. All right. Greg, what's your astrological sign? I'm a eel. That's fitting. With a turnip rising. Turnip rising? That's it. Oh. That's it. This is good. Hang the hang of it. Hey. He's getting the hang of his stupid accent. Yeah. It's hard to find somebody that's going to jive with somebody like that. So your rising symbol is a vegetable. Yeah. I don't like talking about it.

I don't like talking about that. That's a meal. Boom, boom. He's eating the cigarette now that he was smoking. Yeah. He's like nom, nom, nom. It's still hanging out of his mouth, but every once in a while he takes a bite. Like an old stogie. Yeah. Pulls it in. All right. It was great to meet you, Greg. Great to meet you, little buck. And he holds his hand out. Shake hands. Your hand's just oily as it comes away with smoke. Yeah. Good luck getting that smell off. I taste it. It tastes great. Oh.

Yeah. I go in to shake again. All right. Well, thank you. Thank you for coming back. We walk out and Megan notes and Billy's just like sucking on his hand. I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I'm making notes and Billy's just like sucking on his hand. Yeah. He will be in touch. He's here. You damn murder. No fucking way. Okay. Okay.

He turns away into the smoke and he disappears instantly. So it sounds like we're going to have to make a love potion. All right. All right. Let's see that book. Great. And then, yeah, so you guys head back to the tent. Yeah. And Perel's in there and Mears is back there and he's, Mears is relaxing. You can see all the dishes have been cleaned.

Clean billy he went through your drawer and he grabs some dishes billy is really upset what does billy do he goes to his drawer and he uh he drops the mayor in the drawer you still have the mayor and I storm back outside and I put my hands in the black sand and I come back and I write I try to write billy's room but I don't know like I know how to do a b and then I do a bunch of bees on it and then like slap my hand all over it and I draw a square around my bed and I look at mirrors like fight me fight me this is my room and billy's magic because he just went to he went and put his hands in sand but when he presses his hands against the thing it's like it's like charcoal basically he's so mad yeah my room so he's subconsciously using billy's switcheroo here so billy's there's now a section of the kitchen that's just so fucked up just just smeared with black the letter b so many times and like but because billy's a fae when we read it we're like yeah that says billy's room and also there's just a part of the kitchen that has now or it's like okay I guess that's billy's part of the kitchen we read it and we're like yeah that's billy's room we can't use that part of the kitchen anymore because billy sleeps there yeah we're not allowed inside of this section uh and and perel's kicking back on the couch and he's just reading a magazine yeah we all run in and we're like perel we need your help and he like drops his magazine like what what what it's not an emergency oh my goodness don't burst into the room and scream my name anymore remember when I was imprisoned by a mob yeah sorry what magazine was it it was a magazine where you're reading oh uh this is I guess one of morris's mud fucks it's mud affairs yeah I was gonna make it a wizard magazine he's like and he shoves it in the cushions because he was facing away from mirrors yeah uh it's a thaumaturgy magazine thaumaturgy now can I see it no well let me see only for wizards I saw it's a sexy one were you reading mud affairs it was just laying out I wasn't reading it it was here you're masturbating to it dude I'm wearing a full robe how would I do that easily what do you need uh uh thing is during this he's mixing up the the um aphrodisiac oh yeah and he's mere uh he's watching you perel's watching you like oh what are you uh what are you doing look at this book we got oh it's an oh yeah and he starts flipping through and he's like okay normal stuff normal stuff wizard stuff yeah he's this is an alchemy book yeah where'd you find this tuck I I got it from the general store it's like kind of like a traveler's shrine so people just like trade shit and I someone just left it behind oh wow this is incredible because the book that I have that you that you had that contains my memories I'm not an alchemist there's no alchemical information in here and I'm kind of relearning anyways but this is a great opportunity what do you need help with uh we have a book called the alchemist and it's a book that's called the alchemist promised a crazy lady that we'd help a smoked old man fall in love with her so it's cool they're both crazy yeah they're both nuts and they'll be alone forever if we don't do this for them okay all right well um so this is kind of our good deed for the month so you want to make a love potion yeah yeah out of this aphrodisiac how much do you know about love potions zip okay well I can tell you that love potions as they have been mythologized to exist are not quite as you kind of have to have feelings for someone already I think they both do okay all right well this could work uh-huh so here's the situation is for a couple of summers every summer they would date and fuck I think a lot yeah and then at the end of the summer this uh the guy that owns the smoke shack would be like no I have to go back to work so there's something I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I think did he give you any indication of why they wouldn't stay together he said that she she she she liked vegetables and he liked fish they're not fucking nuts they're not mutually like exclusive oh that was all the context he gave you that was it that seems pretty weak narratively huh you telling me okay well I mean uh he's like okay so they've had previous relationships and they haven't been a problem with each other and they haven't been a problem with each other and they haven't been a problem with each other and they haven't been a problem Let's all do this.

He likes thick thighs. He likes a strong back. Yeah. Tenacious. Yep. Tenacity. Yeah. He likes to be fucking horned up like crazy. Crazy, horny is all hell, I think his words were. He also likes if they're smart. Oh, right. Okay, yeah. I can see how that would be the order of importance. Brenda is most of those things. Also fucking crazy. Her plan to get him back was to hoard rats. Hoard rats. Yeah, it's pretty thin narratively. How many rats? Just like six cages of rats. A fair bit of rats.

They're outside. They're outside? Yeah. What are we planning on doing with the rats? I'm going to let them go. I'm going to convince them to bugger off. Well. No. Oh, come on. I know where you're going with this. We're not making rats. No, you don't. You're going to. I'm going to suggest we make rat people. I wasn't going to suggest it. I was going to demonstrate it. All right. Let's take a vote. The five of us. Okay. Okay. Who wants Perel to turn those rats into rat people?

Perel puts his hand up. No one else puts their hand up. Perel puts his other hand up. Perel puts two up like, come on. You're still outvoted. Okay, fine. Whatever. Do whatever you want with the rats. I don't care anymore. Anyways, I can help you with the potion, I think. Cool. Now, so you've got an aphrodisiac, which is a good basis. Thing's taking a little… Yeah, it works. Oh, it works. Give me that mag. Here you go. And he passes you Mud Affairs. And, okay, so I do need a little something.

What do we think he needs? Like, what's the missing bit? It could be a tool. It could be an ingredient. Like a magical ingredient that he needs? Maybe it's a bit of, like, something from them. Like a lock of hair or like a… Oh, yeah. Bit of their spit or… Totally. Well, he has oil from his hand. I have oil on my hands. Oh, he does. Wow. He has oil on his hand from… I mean, I was saving it for later. But I guess, like, we could use it now. All right.

We're gonna get so much smoke fish out of this. Okay. Tastes like gre… Greggum. Ugh. Gross. Gross. I assume this cheese has, like… It's imbued with her in some way. Hey, there must be something else. Maybe something else. I mean, oil that was in direct contact with someone's skin is different than, like, a cheese they were near. Do we have to go steal a hair or something? It wouldn't hurt. Ugh! I just… We walked so much today. I just laid down. No, I'll be strong. Okay.

And, I mean, if you're just gonna go… Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Oh, my God. She cuts off too much of it. Shaves her hair. She's like, oh, I'll give you anything you need. Does she cut off one of her buns? Yeah, she cuts off the whole thing. Holy shit. And you come back and you just dump a handful of hair in Perel's lap. Cinnamon bun of hair. It's like, wow. She must really like him. She's fucked. All right.

And the other one is just kind of some sort of smoking-bued, wiry skeleton man. Yeah, basically. We have got to do the town a service by making sure that only they are in contact with one another. When we went to the cheese store and Vic and I were waiting up front and Billy went in and he came out and he had her buns. Her buns. Like, both buns. Is this enough? I got them. Billy, did you ask for that much hair? No, she just gave it to me. Oh, my God. I didn't even have to tell her I needed hair.

She just gave them buns. Both to me right away. And he goes, okay, I think I can work with this. Oh, this is exciting. I get to do alchemy. Aren't you guys excited? Yeah. All right. How much time do you need? Who can say? And he scrapes off some of the oil off Billy's hands and puts it on like a little like butter knife. Like, okay. All right. And he kind of mixes up. He has a pot and he boils some water in it. And he throws.

He throws the aphrodisiac into a pot of boiling water and smells the steam and goes, fuck. Sorry. Jesus. Sorry. It's working. And then he throws in. He mixes in the butter knife with the oil on it and he throws in a bunch of hair and he mixes it up and he smells it again. He goes, nothing. Perfect. Like, he doesn't smell. He's like, it's not working on me anymore. Which means it's not working on me anymore. Probably will just work on them. Deal done. And he goes, okay. All right. Here we go.

And he puts his hand over it. And he does that thing where he starts like, you can see all the muscles in his body clenching. And he's like rippling his muscles and his face is crunched up and he starts sweating a little bit. And then the pot on the stove goes like. And like rattles a little bit. He goes. Okay. I think I did it. I think I did it. They should. If I am not mistaken. Fall perfectly in love.

While we were watching this, I leaned over to Vang and I was like, he gets so sweaty when he does magic. It's uncomfortable. It looks uncomfortable. And he turns around and he's sopping wet. And he's like, I'm done. He loves it. Like his white shirt is you see through. He's got a tattoo. What? What's his tattoo of? What is his tattoo? A lamb. Just a lamb? With a robe on? When I was a younger wizard, I thought that I would be into lambs. Frogs. Turned out it was frogs. Turned out it was frogs.

Who can say? Anyways, and he throws it into a mason jar, one of Vang's mason jars. He goes, all right. If you mix this in with food or drink. And they're near each other, their natural feelings for one another should blossom into true love that they cannot ignore. I think this will do it. Now, I'm kind of shaky on the details, but I'm pretty sure I nailed it. So here you go. Sweet. Do you want to come watch us do this? Well, does anybody have a change of clothes?

I can't go out in a magically animated robe. Yeah. It's pretty obvious. It's just a sign that says, I'm a wizard. Please imprison me for 100 years. Does anyone have extra clothes? I mean, I don't. I mean, if I'm not mistaken, you all wear the same outfit every day. Yeah, basically. Here, hold on. Blanket. I take. Yeah, I take the blanket that I bought and I just I strip all of his clothes off and then I wrap it around his like pants. There is gender area like a diaper.

And I'm like, what do you think? This is not going to work. Let's do it. Come on. Let's go. Nobody. Put a hat on him. Okay. You look like a fancy. Baby. He's he's he's pretty scrawny. He's pretty scrawny. He's got pretty tan skin, but he's pretty scrawny. And he's got a lamb tattoo on like his pec. It's just a little drawing of a lamb. Come on. Let's go. All right. Fine. Let's go. Let's go. Okay. And then. Yeah.

So Perel is like he gets the hat on his head and he looks at the diaper that you made out of a blanket. And he looks at all of you with your arms full of like food and a love potion and whatever other sundry bullshit you have. And he goes. Okay. Let's make these weirdos fall in love. And you head out. And that's where we're going to end it for this week. My name is Sean O'Hara. I'm your game master with me as always. Players Jessica Tai. So long. Abdul Aziz. Goodbye. Paul Oppers. Bye lovers.

Thanks to West Lord for the technical stuff. Thanks to Abdul for the editing. Thanks to Aaron Reed of Vancouver Sunday Service for our intro and outro music. Thank you to you for listening. See you next time. And so ends the tale of Adventures 3. Who tried the best they can. Though dumb and scared and lost they be. For time's abreast in revelry. And though our journey may be like a conclusion. We will not leave you without a resolution. Return next week. To hear some more.

Whilst you commute or do your chores. And for you I gladly spell no. No.