Episode 4 – To Brenda With Love

Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers have health, he shifts his shape and wields a spear with great might Peely's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends and listen close For the tale's about to start Welcome back to Spout Lore everybody, I'm your Game Master Sean O'Hara with the game of Spout Lore.

With me as always playing Ving, the half-elf druid Paul Oppers Hello Fat Billy the halfling thief played by Jessica Tai Hello And Tacoma Dome the barbarian played by Abdul Aziz Hello When last we left our heroes, they found themselves in the surf town of Little Sur attempting to make two weird people fall in love They took a quest from the town's mayor, Little Sur, a tiny cat with a bowler hat Ving ended up talking to him and it turns out that he's been waging some sort of battle against rats in the town It does not appear to have been like a huge problem for the rest of the town Just the cats Just the cat Yeah, makes sense So in doing so they found out that the fish stocks were being sabotaged by Brenda, owner of Vegetable Town plus Cheezus Plus Cheezus, yeah Because she was in love with the town's fish smoker, Gregom It's crazy how like we like broke like an all-powerful being out of a wizard jail And then the stakes just keep getting higher It's crazy Yeah, well I mean like I will do anything for smoked fish Well it's like, think about it, like if you found, if Jesus returned Okay, if, who's in the sky?

Here, he's If Jesus returned Sean's Catholic Sean means when everybody, don't worry When Jesus returns When Jesus returned and you guys were the only three people that knew about it And you knew that people would lose their minds Would you be like, we should tell everyone right now Yeah, we'd start an Instagram page and we'd try and sell culottes Jesus branded culottes, Christ, Christ-a-lots What are those? Yeah, what's a culotte?

They're pants Yeah, they're like pants that Oh, the wide things Yeah, I hate them They're like capris, wide, big wide capris, yeah? Oh, big wide capris Why don't they just wear a dress or like a kilt or something? Yeah, or like how Jesus would wear them?

Yeah, or like how Jesus did it Yeah Culottes Culottes Yeah, so that's where we are now The last thing that happened is you came back, Perel made a love potion He describes sort of how love potions work where it's like, it's not like you make somebody fall in love with somebody It's you remove the obstacles of love that already exists, blah, blah, blah That's cool He's pretty sure that he did it right That's the last thing that he said is I'm pretty sure that this will work Wow And then you put Perel in a diaper and gave him a hat Oh yeah And that's where we are now Why did we do that?

Because we didn't want people to think he was a wizard? Well, because Perel was like I can't just leave this tent in an animated robe because his robe has images that move Oh, yeah He's like that's a pretty clear indication that I am magical So to make it so that he didn't draw attention to himself, we put him in a diaper?

Now don't look at me like that That was your idea This was your fucking idea You took a blanket that you bought for Billy You bought for Billy and you decided to wrap it around Perel's dick and balls And instead of the dick and balls, now he has a blanket diaper And like a sun hat And Crocs on Yeah He always had the Crocs on Yeah So that's where we are, you're walking from like the tent to Little Sur It's getting to like evening, like the sun's starting to dip a little bit lower There's a bunch of…

Oh, those are the Crocs Are the rats falling? Yeah, he stepped in a puddle Oh, God I hate these shoes, they're so loud when they get moist Let's hurry up everybody So what was the plan again? Wasn't it like they were in a boat? Like Brenda and Gregom?

Oh, yeah Someone on a romantic boat ride Like a date The plan I think was to lure them to the boat Oh, okay Yeah And then like set up a little picnic or something And then just absolutely drown the food in this potion Does Mears have a bunch of extra food cooked? Uh, well… Mears! Yeah? Whip up something fucking romantic What? What? Why? What food do you already have ready?

Uh, I made like some egg tarts I've got some just like chopped peppers and some meats Meats and cheeses Spaghetti What about spaghetti? Spaghetti Okay, I can make spaghetti I don't have it on hand That's the most romantic food Yeah Yeah What about some oysters? Oh, we could steal some smoked oysters Oh, that's a good idea Oh, okay So Billy's gonna go to the smokehouse and steal some oysters?

Yeah Okay, perfect Then Mears is like, okay, give me like 40 minutes, I need to make spaghetti What, from scratch? It takes like 10 minutes to boil the pasta He's like, okay, just give me some time Okay, okay And he runs back to the tent Thank you You're welcome Okay, and then Tuck and Bing are gonna what? I think we should probably go get that canoe from the general store Oh, right Because the whole date's gonna be in a canoe, right?

Uh-huh Because we know that Gregom likes fishing And Brenda will do fucking anything She's a psycho All right, so we will start with Billy Uh, yeah So Billy's gonna run off to the smokehouse? Do we do a thing where we're like, all right, we all know what we're doing?

Break Yeah And then we all run And then there's different like frame and frame things like Ocean's Eleven, like Billy scurrying off to the smokehouse We all go in different directions and then Bing remembers that he's going with Tuck and then he circles around and joins Tuck I like that Yeah, it's like break and you all walk away and it's from the top down and then you see, a couple seconds later, you see Bing go back the other way Like, look at this clinging of jars In that frame and frame, we're gonna go to the smokehouse Yeah, we're gonna go to the smokehouse In that frame and frame thing, it's like Billy, Tacoma and Bing And then you see Mirrors is just like slowly chopping Yeah Like, we're all doing like intense stuff and Mirrors is like chop, chop, chop And then it cuts to Perel and he's just like adjusting his diaper Standing in the middle of the town, like waving at people that walk by like, hi With a clock, and a clock at the bottom left-hand corner of the screen Yeah, yeah, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick Because 40 minutes Yeah, we only have 40 minutes before the Spaghetti's done?

Oh, yeah, this is great Yeah, I guessed that Yeah, no, I love spaghetti countdown Spaghetti countdown If the spaghetti's not fresh, nobody's gonna want a bone Have you ever seen loose, cold spaghetti? Yes It is an immediate boner killer One time I had it, my dick was so hard, I was gonna die And they just showed me cold spaghetti Dear son, fuck the spaghetti Yeah, who, in what situation was your boner being so hard? You're gonna die a problem?

And also, why did they show you loose spaghetti to solve it? It got, it got stung by, uh, like a, a, a porno scorpion What the fuck is that? Is it a, is it a scorpion? Okay, we're gonna talk about scorpions This is the outlander move Tell me about Porn scorpion Scorpion Yeah, I just don't know It's hard, yeah Yeah Scor-por-pornian No! I just, I like porn scorpion Porn scorpion There's a porn scorpion What does it do?

Porn scorpions are kind of smart So, they, what they do is they sneak into like porn stores then they steal porn Okay And they hold it up in their like claws and they run up to you And then when your dick gets hard, and they show it to you, then when your dick gets hard they sting And their sting is like a love potion to make you, it's like a Viagra sting It is kind of a Viagra sting It's what I was, what I thought it was gonna be Was just a Viagra sting?

It was a scorpion that's venom is an aphrodisiac No Not a scorpion that sneaks into a store, grabs pornography On, on tablets And is just like, hey, look at this Look Well, we, magazines exist Yeah Yeah So, I guess there's like wide scale printing still Betamax?

Betamax Yeah Whatever that is It runs up with one of those little like flip up DVD players with porn playing on it Like, hey, look at the screen, look at the screen No way, mister, nice try I'm gonna sting your boner Yeah, they catch mostly teenage boys who are like willing to risk it Wait, and then what, they eat them? Like, what's the purpose?

That's the only way they can get their rocks off, to make more porn scorpions Yeah It's their weird little thing It's part of their mating ritual Part of their mating ritual A male will do that and then like they'll like clack around to like attract a female And then they'll like kind of gesture to this like erect dick Mm-hmm And that's really turgid because of the extra porn scorpion venom that's in that And then the lady scorpion is just like, nice In places where there's a lot of porn scorpions, there's also a lot of cold spaghetti being sold That's the only antidote Oh yeah, because it's McCall and it's hot, so they're like, who wants hot spaghetti?

Yeah, true Nobody eats hot spaghetti in McCall, it's too hot Yeah, they're selling cold spaghetti off the back of like little Motorcycles Motorcycles First aid motorcycles Yeah What do they ride in McCall?

They ride in Centaurs Oh, right Because Abdul has determined that we talked about this a long time ago that Centaurs in McCall are like half camel, but the human half is like very unsettling looking like they're really like flabby Like they're really fat, hairy Yeah Like they always have gold chains Yep But they still have like crazy camel teeth, so their like teeth are huge Big jowls Yeah Hello, welcome to my carpet Yeah I'm a carpet store This isn't racist because I'm doing an impression of my uncle If we ever go to McCall in the game, I need you to give me permission to do an impression of your uncle We can just call him up If we're gonna get through this Uncle Mustafa Your uncle's name is Mustafa?

Yeah That's awesome One of them Oh, I guess you, yeah, you have more than one One of your uncle's Mustafa is named Mustafa? Yeah What? Oh my god Do you actually have 13 uncles? People in Egypt fuck like crazy Holy shit Cool Wait, you actually have 13 uncles? Yeah Do you have any aunts?

Oh no, I have 13 uncles and aunts Oh, okay Sorry, the women just look like men Oh my family But your sister's so pretty Yeah, she's really pretty Good dude She's not lucky Oh, gross So people just ride these like half person, half camel centaurs?

Yeah, you pay them Oh, I see, they hire people to ride them Yeah Oh, I see, they hire people to ride them Yeah Oh, I see, they hire people to ride them Yeah Oh, I see, they hire people to ride them Yeah Oh, I see, they hire themselves out Yeah, it's a rough ride Have you ever seen a camel run? Mm-hmm And their fucking wingdings are flapping around all over the place Because they still have human penises?

Yeah In between the front legs And the back legs I thought you were gonna say in between the humps Just hold on to my dick there Oh, that's too many penises Oh my god Even honestly thinking about one on these things is too many penises Yeah I'm gonna say this Porn scorpions, everybody You get a point of experience for that, unfortunately Oh, cool Wow Well, because there's some stuff in there that I will decide to use Later, when you're all alone Honestly, aphrodisiac scorpion is pretty funny Yeah Holding up porn to distract people But that's what Tuck said, so it's canon I feel like that's the I think That's the mythos of it Yeah, like Tuck has heard that they do this Yeah But he's also, as a teenager, he definitely got stung by one One time, he was like, oh, I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this Oh, yeah, there's a Yeah, I went to an apothecary and they put a bunch of cold spaghetti on my wiener.

Oh, yeah, there's an apothecary in McCall that's like, oh, yeah, we see this all the time. Come to the spaghetti room. There's about eight strands of spaghetti. Did you see that video of the crab with the knife? It's like that. Yeah. Have you seen that video? No. It's just a crab walking around with a steak knife in one claw like that. He's trying to stab the person who's trying to grab the knife. He's like waving the knife around in his claw like that. Yeah, it's pretty good. But with porn.

But with porn. Spectacular. So, yeah, there's a time constraint now. Oh, right, yeah. It's within 40 minutes. I think we're like 30 minutes down. Yeah, I've just been talking. Yeah, to Vang about porn scorpions. Well, we'll go to Billy first. So, Billy, what's Billy's plan? The smokehouse is there. It's all low and mud covered. Yeah, where's the hole I can get through? There's the rat hole. All right, let's go through the rat hole. There's the rat hole.

There's also chimneys that have smoke pouring out of them. Let's go through the rat hole. Okay, it's pretty small. You just jammed your little hand through there last time. So, you're gonna have to make it bigger if you want to get in. All right, let's dig. Help me, little sir. Okay, so defy danger. Dig. Yeah, what would this be? Strength, I guess. Defy danger, strength. Five. Okay. Okay. I think so. What, Billy's just like poking. He's just like poking at the mud, like trying to rip it up.

Yeah, he's trying to dig through to make the hole bigger. Yeah. Like a dog would. So, what happens is you're like digging, and you're digging at the edges of the wall, trying to make it a little bit bigger too. And then part of the wall like collapses, because it's just like mud covered. So, it just goes like, and then you see cracks start forming up the side of the wall. Oh, shit. And yeah, that wall like begins collapsing right in front of you. Okay.

So, this side of the wall, like smoke starts pouring out of the crack. Oh, fuck. And there's like a little bit that just kind of caves in. And you hear, what the hell? What the gold? The son of a. And you hear a bang as like Gregom comes bursting out of the front door. Oh, damn. Because what's going on? I just somebody did a fucking with my wall. I'm going to hide, I guess. Okay. Defy danger, dexterity, I guess. Or climb. Climb the hole? Okay. Well, you can't get in through the side.

So, you'd be climbing the wall. To go up to the roof. To go up to the roof, basically. Fine. All right, little sir. I'm going to put my leg up. Eight. Plus dexterity. Oh. Ten. Hell yeah. Yeah. Jessica's facial expression was the exact same, except her eyebrows went fucking bananas. Yeah. She was stone faced when she said eight. And then I said plus dexterity. And she said ten. And then her eyebrows just went. So, yeah. You zip up the wall.

And I would, honestly, if you didn't get a ten, I wasn't going to let you bring little sir with you. But little sir scampers up the wall next to you. He sure does. And you hide. You get over the lip of the roof. Just as Gregom comes around the corner, you can kind of see and smell him. Okay. And you see a little bit of smoke coming off of his body. And he's just like, what's going on? No, not my wall. My smoke house. And he's like trying to pile it up and patch wall.

And he's just like puts his hands on his hips. It's like. And he just, he walks away. He leaves. Oh. Yeah. Well, down the chimney I go. Up on the rooftop. Clop, clop, clop. Clop. Clop. I'm going to go down the chimney top. Down through the chimney I'm going to squeeze. And I'm going to land on my knees. Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho. Let us go. Ho, ho, ho. Ed Billy is singing this. And then he's also interjecting like rub a dub in tub up.

So you get to like a little chimney that smoke is just pouring out of. You can't see what's at the bottom. But it's just smokey as fuck. I don't care. Rub-a-dub-dub in the tub of love. Down I go. We're gonna go. Yeah, 2D6 plus dexterity for this, too. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Six. Six. Did Billy go in head first or butt first? He went in butt first. Okay, thank God. Yeah. So do you think he's falling or does he get stuck? He gets stuck. Okay.

So what happens is Billy barely gets in the top of the chimney and his little butt gets stuck like wedged. Little butt? Yeah. Little compared to a person, big compared to a halfling. And he just gets wedged and the smoke stops coming out of the chimney. Oh, no. And Billy's just like, smoked butt. Yeah. And you can feel your butt's getting really warm. Oh, no. Not from like fire, but just smoky. Oh, no. Does Lil Sir assist me? No, he does not. Okay.

This cat is like barely comprehending what you want it to do. Okay. Because it doesn't understand you. Okay. It can talk to Ving, but it does not understand you. Lil Sir. Go get Ving. And I do elf ears. Yeah. And the cat's just looking at you. Please. Wide eyed. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Go for help. Meow. And Lil Sir does that thing where like the cats do where he kind of flops onto his side and starts licking his paw. Okay.

So at that, we'll cut back to Tuck and Ving while Billy figures out what to do. Now that he's stuck in this chimney. Is that a racist gesture for the elves? Probably. Probably. Yeah. Is Tuck doing this in general story? I'm like, is it racist if people are like, you know, an elf and then they pull their ears up? I mean, to elves it is. Yeah. No, not unless like you're an elf. Yeah. To elves. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And Perel's just poking through the shelves. So what are we doing here? Oh, we're getting a canoe. Hmm. Yeah. So we go up to my good man. The guy at the counter was Bertram Brody. Oh, fuck. Bartleby. Bartleby. It was Bartleby. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Bartleby's just sitting there. He's doing the same thing. He's spinning a dagger on the counter. Yeah. We need a canoe. But quick. One coin. What? Everything's one coin. It's a dollar store. Let's go.

Canoe. One coin. Great. Okay. Do you have any blankets? Pillow? Pillows. One coin. Candles. One coin. Okay. Well, this is easier. We don't have to talk to this guy. Let's go around the store and get everything we want. Count up the items and give him the exact amount of coins. Well, yeah. What do we need to make this as romantic as possible? Pillows. Blankets. Do you have any of those porn scorpions? Do you have a porn scorpion? I'm asking Tuck. Okay. Oh, me? No.

Some people carry porn scorpion on them. I don't need to. I don't have that problem. All the old guys in the store are like… Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Bartleby's like, what's porn scorpion? It's like if you have trouble getting your dick hard. I buy it 10 coins. I don't have it. He like pats the counter like… Do you ever trade with anyone from McCall? Oh, McCall? Yeah. Yeah. Once in a while. Yeah. Just ask them for porn scorpions. Oh, all right. It gets your dick real hard. You're from McCall?

I'm from McCall. You got porn scorpion? No, I don't. I just said it. Any points? It being, you got porn scorpion? No. I just heard about it. He looks at Perel down the counter and Perel's like, no. So yeah, one coin. Everything in the store. So blankets, pillows. Candles. Candles. The canoe. Condoms. Condoms. Oh, no. He uses fish. Skin? What else? What else is sexy? We clearly don't know. Silky things? Do you have any porn? Oh, yeah. Okay. And he grabs a, he just puts a crate on the counter.

Okay. How much for the whole crate? Oh, I'd have to count one coin per. Oh, no. I think we'll just take the best one. Which one's the best one? Bartleby? Well, that's really up to you. That's specific to him, isn't it? Yeah. And I don't think I want to know that about Bartleby. You don't. He just puts down the one. Yeah. Slowly. He sticks his arm up to the elbow on the counter, pulls one out, puts it under the counter. Yeah. Okay. I'm just going to get Mud Affairs. All right.

Oh, and some, something to, like, incense. Oh, yeah. That's a good idea. To mask the fish smoke. Just because she, it's a little triggering for her. Yeah, probably. What? Do you have any music bottles? Oh, yeah. He does. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. One corn. Any points over it. Okay. Let's go over and try and find the sexiest music we can find. Okay. Okay. Yeah. There's a huge crate of glass bottles. Full of music. And we cut back to Billy stuck in the chimney with little sir not concerned at all.

All right. I will try a move to get out of here. All right. Let's see. Do you have any moves that apply to this? No. I'm going to try, though. Trap expert. Trap expert. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He's also really good at peeing his pants. Yeah. True. Okay. How can I lube up? Well, do you have? Do you have, like, I don't know, adventuring gear or something like that? Oh, I do. Because you can always mark off a use of adventuring gear. What's an adventuring gear? Ropes. That's it.

I would say there's, like, probably, like, lard or something like that. You know what I mean? Some sort of lubricant. Oh, yes. Lard and rope. It's basically whatever you want to be an adventuring gear that could reasonably be in there. Like, you can't be, like, a handgun. I feel like your adventuring gear would be, like, five uses of lard. Yeah. That's a lot of lard. Yeah. That's a lot of lard. That's a lot of lard. That's a lot of lard. Adventuring gear is, like, a bunch of fucked up stuff.

It's like, where do you even find this? And chocolate chips. Yeah. Yeah. There's just an iPhone in there. What the fuck is this? So, okay. Yeah. I have a brick of lard. I have another brick of lard. Two bricks of lard? That's going to be two. Oh, okay. Just one. Okay. Let's put that lard back. One lard. Start rubbing it on myself. And I'm going to, like, lift myself up and down. Uh-huh. To, like, move the lard around. I'm glad nobody's watching. Yeah.

Because it's just you, like, greased up, like. Yeah. What the fuck is that kid doing? Okay. Am I trying to squeeze down or up? I guess up. Are you going up or down? Down. Okay. All right. So, it's another defy danger to charity. Okay. Please. Yeah. Yeah. Tim. Tim. So, with the power of lard. Yeah. Yeah. You've lubed yourself up sufficiently. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You just start sliding down. And then you're really picking up speed. Yeah.

And you just come out of the bottom like, boop. Oh, man. You smell exactly like a smoked oyster. I sure do. And I'm so. My whole bottom is so blackened. Oh, yeah. You're just, like, smoked from the bottom down. Greasy and smoked. You land on a rack of fish and just annihilated. Sorry. But there's nobody in here. Gregham's left. Yeah. I apologize to the fish. Oh. So, yeah. You're just in a pile of fish in a really smoky place. But you're under the smoke line. So. So Billy can see pretty well.

All right. Let's put those goggles on. So Billy is when he said, let's put the goggles on. He just put his fingers around his eyes. That's usual. Discern realities. So yeah, discern realities. 2D6 plus wisdom. Seven. Oh, thank God. So you get one question. All right. Where is the oysters? What here is useful or valuable to me would likely be the question. Yeah. What's useful or valuable to me?

So it's mostly fish, but you do find in the corner of one tunnel, a little rack that has little tiny oysters hanging off hooks. Beautiful. I go get those. Snag, snag, snag. How many do you take? Like whatever can fit in my bag. Okay. Yeah. So like 35. Okay. Yeah. So you have a good amount of smoked oysters. Just loose in your bag. Yep. Per usual. All right. And yeah, accomplished. You have little sir. You're in. You're out. You're out of sight of Gregom who has come to like try and fix his wall.

I feel so bad for Gregom. There's just smoke pouring out of one side of the smokehouse. Oh man. But you've got your oysters. Off we go. All right. And we'll cut back to general store where you guys are digging through a pile of bottles. Yeah. What do you think the sexiest kind of music is? Ring my heart. No. Too depressing. Okay. I don't want to be anything. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Fuck me like a metamorphosis. I am a butterfly. You are a cocoon. I like that. Yeah.

That one's pretty good. Yeah. Fuck me like a metamorphosis. It's also got a grumbly voice, which I think she'll like. Oh yeah. Because it's like him. Yeah. And then what's the, what is he like? Fish? Fish, fish, fish. Well, let's just get both of these. Perfect. And then pour them, put them both into like the same bucket. Ooh, a Bentley bucket. Yeah. And make it, yeah. Make a music medley. The fuck? You can make a music medley out of putting two music bottles into a bucket.

Sometimes it turns into brown sound. It's just a tone that nobody likes. It's how they made the gray album. So lame. Gandalf, the gray album. All right. It's cool again. I thought so. Great. So yeah, you go up to the counter with those bottles. How many coins is all of this? Well, how many bottles? Two bottles. Two coins. Blanket. One coin. Pillow. One coin. Four candles. Four candles. Four coins. Three bottles of wine. Three coins. Right. Two cups. Two cups. Two coins.

Chocolate covered strawberries. Oh, how many? One dozen. Twelve coins. Oh my God. Unless, and this is, I shouldn't tell you this. Yeah. You put them in one box. One coin. How much are boxes? One coin. Okay. Well, you get a box. Okay. Cool. So that's two coin. We're at like 15 coin now. The canoe is 16. 16 coins. Yeah. And the condoms are free. Condom. I'm going to assume that Greg has condoms. Oh, you don't know Greg. Okay. We'll get some condoms.

I also, as we were leaving, I saw a spaghetti squash that was shaped like kind of like a lady's body. So I. Added that to the basket. Cause it's kind of sensual. Like tuck just like in this. Yeah. Cause I'm like, yeah, I like those shapes. Let me guess. One coin. One coin. Let's go make these other people. Fuck. All right. Thanks for coming. Have a good day. You too. See you soon. Probably. And he pulls the magazine back out from under the counter. Puts his big crate of pornography back.

As we walk out, he turns the sign to be back in five minutes. And turns a little. Clock to two minutes. And yeah. So as you're leaving, Perel is there too. He just has watched this whole thing. He's been trying not to be seen because he thinks that his diaper outfit is actually drawing more attention to him than it would otherwise. I'm starting to feel like I should have just worn my robe. I feel like a grown man wearing a diaper is much more conspicuous.

For some reason, Tacoma is able to pull it off, but. Doesn't really work for me. Just because you're dressed like a big baby doesn't mean you have to act like one. You. That was pretty funny. Let's go. I like that he responds to Burns like a substitute teacher. Like, oh, you kids. You're going to be the best. At least you're thinking. Yeah. And you see Billy come hustling up the street with little sir and 100% just brown from the waist down. Did you have diarrhea again? No, I got nothing.

And you look. You look behind further down the lane. And you see just a huge column of smoke pouring up from one building. I didn't do it. You set something on fire. No. Okay. I run away. You run away to the tent. Okay. Billy's got a good head start. He's just like. Oh, man. That lard with all the smoking flavor. Yeah. Mears is going to be all over putting that in the jar. But it's all over Billy's legs. I mean, he can ring a ling and stuff. That's the full wash. I was wearing pants.

I went inside. Good pants. I went inside. All right. And you guys make it back to the tent. Yeah. What's the timer at? That all took like 25 minutes. All right. We only have 15 minutes left. Yeah. Shit. Mears, how's the biscotti going? I got 15 minutes left or so. Is it too late to throw the squash in? Throw the squash in the spaghetti? No, no, no. I want to leave it out. It's personal. Looks like a lady. Are we? Can we throw this in? No, I'm going to hold on to that. No, wait, wait, wait.

I'm going to put it in my corner of the room. In your corner of… I forget that you guys just have chose to sleep in this living room. Yeah. So you throw it in the side with Francis? Well, no, I have a shelf. That's my stuff. There's like a couple of bottles of music on there. And then there's… A shattered bass guitar. It's not shattered. Just strings are all ripped. So all the strings are on there. And a squash that looks kind of like a lady. Yeah.

And then I take a little piece of charcoal and I draw a face on the top. Oh, my God. And Perel is just staring wide-eyed like… You know I can turn that into a real lady for you. Yeah, you want a squash lady? No, I just like the squash, you creep. No, it would be… Anyways, spaghetti time. Yeah, Mears is like, I need like 15, 20 more minutes. Okay, yeah, let's start filling up the boat with all our shit. Cool, yeah. So what's everybody doing in the… Like, tell me how this canoe…

This love canoe takes shape. We put a crate in there for a table. And then let's arrange the platter of spaghetti when it's done. The strawberries around it. Oysters. And then the oysters around those. Oh, wait, what? You're like wringing the spaghetti? With strawberries and then you wring the strawberries with oysters. Mandala. Yeah. Concentric circles are the sexiest thing, yeah. Wow. So what else is in there? Put the pillows on either side. And then the blankets up to the edge.

Yeah, and a candle on the bow and a candle in the stern. And then also candles in the table in the middle. Because we got four. So you're like melting those so they stay? Yeah. I take the two bottles and I put them in a bucket. Oh, nice. Yeah. So you open up the corks and you dump them in the bucket? No, no, no. I put them in the bucket with ice. Oh, I see. Yeah. That's classy. And then I also put the wine bottles in there. Wait, you put the music bottles… In a bucket with ice? Yeah.

To keep it fresh. It just looks cool. And it gives it kind of like… Crispy. It remixes it to more of a techno vibe. Wow. I love that this is a world where we were like magic doesn't exist. But this music bottle thing, we've just gone fucking buck wild. It's like cell phones. It seems like magic. Music is different. Music is different in this world where it has like a tangible aspect to it. Yeah. If you change the temperature, it changes the kind of music.

If you make music really hot, it's all country. And it smells like… It smells like horses. Wow. Incredible. Room temperature music smells like… Teen spirit. Yeah. Very good. All right. So the Love Canoe has been… It's this like candle barge with the concentric circle meal in the middle. And then a bucket of music. Chilled music. Yeah. And some wine. Chilled wine. Wonderful. Bing paints on the back, B and G fuck canoe. Yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wonderful.

And yeah, once you're done that, Mears is like, okay, all right. Oh, I don't have a colander. And he's like holding a pot. Like, what do I do? Here. And then I take… Billy, can I borrow one of your knives? Yeah. I take it. I just stab a bunch of holes in the bottom of the pot. He's like, no. Roll for that. Yeah, roll for that. The pot's not trying to get away. Is Mears trying to get away? He's trying to get the pot away.

No, he knows that if he tried to get away from this, it would be so much worse. So all the spaghetti water just falls on the table. On the tent floor. Yeah, basically. And Francis kind of lumbers up from his sleeping position and waddles over and starts licking the pasta water off the ground. See, the problem is dealing with itself. Having Francis in the tent is like when you have a dog and you forget you have to clean floors. So yeah, you've got the spaghetti. Mears throws the sauce on there.

He made a really nice sauce with peppers and mushrooms and some fresh herbs that he found outside. Are there meatballs? There's like ground meat. Oh, dang it. Ground meat. Meat that he found on the ground. Okay. Yeah. I get, after he platters it or plates it, I get in there with my hands and I make a dick shape with the meat. She's doing it now. Just form it. Yeah. So Billy's just making like a wiener shape out of the beef or whatever.

Ving and I are watching it happen and we're like, I feel like we might have let him see too many things. That's accurate meat. What? Dick. And the, uh. We might have to have the birds and the. And then he looks at us and we were just like, looks great, buddy. Yeah. Great meat, dick. It looks good. Yeah. Should I add more? No, no, no, no, no, no. Make it bigger? More. Yeah, I'll do that. Should I add more veins? Oh my God. He's putting like spaghetti. Oh my God. Somebody needs a trim.

This episode is going to be so fucking weird. Putting some parsley around the balls to be like. Oh my God. Yeah. Oh, geez, Louise. Yeah. And so the love canoe, the fuck canoe has been assembled. Yeah. We're going to dump the potion all over everything. Yeah. So Perel is like, man. Yeah, go for it. Go ahead.

And he takes the potion, which he moved into one of Ving's mason jars from the pot and he's got it just and he's like kind of swirling it to make sure that all the stuff is going to be evenly mixed. And then he starts spritzing all the food very like flashily. Like he's like little dash there, little dash over here, a little bit. And he puts his fingers in and goes, huh? He's kind of sprinkling it like the key to good potion work is just a little bit of flair. You know what I mean?

And then Tuck grabs it from him and just dumps it. No, no, no. Oh. Yeah. Oh boy. I appreciate your pizzazz. That. That was a lot. Well, this could be a pretty intense fuck to watch. Wait, I didn't know we were going to have to watch this. I thought we had to. Do we have to? Why would we? To make sure it happens? And he's like, and Perel thinks for a second. He's like, you know, now that I'm thinking about it, we already have the rats, right? Yeah. Are we just doing this to be like nice? Yeah.

It's like our good deed. Well, it's a deed. It is certainly a deed. All right, let's go. We're done. And he takes like there's the little bit of the potion left in the jar and he very carefully screws the lid back on and then puts it in a shelf and is like, nobody touch this. This is now potion shell. You should put a sign on it. Yeah. Okay. And he takes a post-it note and he writes on it and he sticks it to the thing with some spit that says potion, potion shell. I like that.

Over the last few weeks. The whole tent. The whole tent. We've been labeling different parts of it. Like there's Billy's room now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We actually can't cross. Like, for some reason, he just drew a charcoal line, but it's like a physical barrier. He's always a little bit in survival mode when he's living on the streets. And then, yeah, there's the danger room. There's a potion shelf. There's Tuck's shelf. Yep, true.

Ving has a crying place. Is it labeled? It's labeled, but it moves around the room. And Mears made a note that said, Francis's room, and put it on one side of the tent where Francis usually sleeps. Ving's crying place is actually, the label for it is on the cover of a Babysitter's Club book. Yeah, and so that's where we're at. The plan is now commencing. So you just take it down to the water? Yeah, just drag the canoe into the water.

Rose petals, rose petals, leading all the way down to the canoe. Yeah. Rose petals, rose petals. From the middle of town? Yeah. All right. From where they are. Scatter a few oysters as well, the ones I have left. I'm gonna go get Brenda. I'll go get Gregom. I will guard the boat. Perel's like, I'll go with Billy. Yeah. And so you just head down to the water. Well, you're at the water, I guess, because Tuck and Ving carry it down. And yeah, Perel's just standing with Billy.

Tuck, you go to Vegetable Town plus Cheeses. I walk in. Yeah, Brenda's there. And she's like, how's it going? It's ready. Oh. Oh. Okay. Wait, what's ready? We set up a date for you guys. There's a bunch of love potion on everything. Okay. So here's what we're gonna do. There's a bunch of blankets in the canoe. We're gonna hide you in it. Okay. Yeah. And then Ving's gonna get Gregom. We're gonna put Gregom in the canoe and we're gonna push it out. And then that's when you pop out. All right.

I'll do my best. Yeah. Okay. All right. I'm so excited. I'll… Oh, sweet Gregom. I'm coming. Are you gonna wear that? What? My frock? Yeah. Should I not? It really smells like rats. Okay. Oh, yes. Of course. Okay. I'll be back. Wear something that's like, I don't know, makes your bits jiggle or whatever. Don't you worry, young man. Okay. I will. Okay. And she scurries off to the back. So we cut back to Ving and Ving's going to the smokehouse. Yeah.

He's really nonchalantly walking up to the smokehouse. Just like walks in. Just like… Ugh. And Gregom's not inside. You hear him muttering around the side where like all the smoke is pouring out. And he's like, God dang wall's falling over. Ah, the wall looks great, man. Hey, look at that. It's evening. You know what's the best time for evening? What? Fishing. Let's go fishing. Oh, I can't fish. I gotta fix this god dang wall. What are you talking about? The wall looks great.

Look at this wall fall over. Okay. Elemental mastery. Okay. So elemental mastery is what? When you call on the primal spirits of fire, water, earth, or wall to perform a task, you roll plus wisdom. On 10 plus, choose two. On seven to nine, choose one. On miss, nothing happens. Okay. Except catastrophes. Yeah, catastrophe happens. Oh, 12. Holy shit. Wow. Wow. That's wisdom. Okay. So he's just talking about… 14. 14.

So he's just talking about the wall and Gregom's saying, Oh, what about the wall? And it's just instantly perfect. Yeah. Yeah. But on a 10 plus, you still choose two instead of three. So the three that you get to choose from are the effect you desire comes to pass, which you probably naturally want. You avoid paying nature's price and you retain control. Oh, I'll pay nature's price. Okay. So you do that.

You call on the spirits of earth and mud and shit to like fix the wall and it just solidifies. And the crystals on your hand creep a little bit further up your arms. Worth it. Worth it. Yeah. They creep just a little bit further. What the fuck? Yeah. Nice. And Gregom's like, Oh, hey. And he's like patting the wall. Like, Oh, this is a nice wall. This is a nice wall you did. You want to go pound some fish? Oh, nothing Gregom like more than pound fish. You guys darn right. Let's go.

Let's go pound a fish. Yeah. And he lights up a fish like a little anchovy. He throws it in his mouth. He's like, Let's go. I'm good. All right. And yeah, he follows you. Great. To the canoe. What's Billy been up to? Billy has been, been doing Perel's lectures. Yeah. That's what I was thinking is Perel's like, Okay, so, you know, the glass we're thinking maybe the glass has been a magical catalyst. Billy, please. Billy, please. Billy. Hey, Billy. Magic. No. Okay, fine. All right.

I guess somebody doesn't want to learn how to be a wizard. I do, but it's so hard. And this mud is so soft. And look at the bed I made. I think Billy's just made a little mud. Yeah. Yeah. And he's like, put all his limbs stuck in the mud. Look at my bed. He's like, Oh, okay, fine. Well, I guess if you don't want to learn how to do magic, I can't make you. I want to know some stuff. No, you don't. It's boring. I'm boring. Yes, you are.

But let me tell you, you could probably be less boring if you tried harder. Oh, yeah. How would I, how would I do that, Billy? Like saying things that are faster and like easier, smaller words. Okay. Uh, so you're, you know, your glass, the ring that Chamberlain gave you. Yeah. It might make you better at magic. Really? Do you want to learn how to do cooler magic? Yes. Like what?

I guess like getting what I want more or like, I want to learn how to protect myself and make sick weapons out of my hands. I want those beams of light back in my hands. Cool. And Perel's like, Oh, I don't know. I don't know. So that's okay. That's mostly like shields would be like abjuration magic. Oh, there he goes again. Okay, Billy. All right. No, I understand what you mean, but those are, those are more combat oriented magical styles. That's something he scratches his chin.

Like I'd have to think about that. Well, you do that and I'm going to go eat some of this grass. No, don't. Why? Cause I'm hungry. God, I threw all the oysters on the ground. And at this, you see, uh, you see, tucking Brenda coming up as you're going to eat a handful of grass. Oh, Hey guys, tuck. You see Billy trying to eat a handful of grass. Billy. I stole a bunch of cheese from Brenda's store. Don't let her see it. I slide it down.

Cause I, in my mind, when we were leaving, I was like, I think Billy skipped second lunch. He's going to be starving. It's going to be so cranky. Yeah. And Brenda sees the canoe and she's like, Oh my Lord, it's wonderful. He'll love it. Thank you so much. Yeah. You're welcome. Get the fuck it. What is she wearing? She's wearing, uh, corset, like a leather corset that really pushes things up. Whoa. Like a classic, like fantasy maiden sort of outfit. That's just so over the top.

It's got like little fabric flowers, like on the skirt, which is very flowy. Cut the buns off her head like earlier today. So she's got crazy short hair, but it's really like stuck out on the sides. Cause the sides are very unruly, but the top is kind of slick. It's very strange looking. Made Mary and Pixie dream girl. Yeah. She tried to fix it, but it did not go well. Okay. So now I hide in the boat. Yeah. Get in, get on the blanket. Yeah.

You hear when we push it out, pull both of the music things. Okay. Can do. Okay. And she dives into the boat. Bean can see that she's, yeah. Like she's still not under the thing. So he's like, we're getting closer to the shore. We're just like put piling blankets over. I'm just like, Oh yeah. Okay, man. Yeah. And Greg, I'm just like, all right. Yeah. You're going to scare all the fish away. Got quite a, quite a nighttime. Fishing's all about silence. Okay, man. We're on your time now. Yeah.

Greg, I'm time. I'm time after dark. So here's the canoe. It's old. The fishing rods are under the blanket. No need to lift them up. Now you get in first and I'll untie us and send us out to sea. Why is it so? Ah, there's so many candles. And he just like, yes, we don't want, we're going to be catching fish. Anyways, up, up, up. And okay, here we go. You're away and you're off. Oh, shoot. Oh no. I let go of the canoe. Oh, Greg, no. Hold on. Hold on. Oh, the paddles are over here.

He's paddling with his hands. Elementary mastery of moving the water. Oh, sick idea. Oh, nice. Uh, 10. And I will pay nature's price again. Okay. The desire is just get the water to push the boat. Yeah. It's like a, like the, a soft surf rolling in the shore, but it's rolling. It's rolling out. Oh yeah. So yeah, the spirits of water pick it up and just go like, so your hands are getting pretty crystal. There's like, and they basically like come up out of your skin. Yeah. Yeah.

And you feel that looks cool, but that's not great. Yeah. So now it's like, what do we think? Like a little bit past the, how far was it before? It was, it was, it felt like just wrist. Yeah. So now it's like a little bit past your wrist. Yeah. Oh, it's worth it. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, Greg, I'm like, Oh, what's going on? And then Brenda pops out. She's like, Greg, my love. And, uh, Greg, I'm turns around. It's like, I told you you can only, that's the thing is they're so far away.

Now you can hear like, yeah, Billy's doing the binoculars. Yeah. Billy can hear it pretty well. Brenda said, Oh, Greg, my love. And then Greg said, Oh, Brenda. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And we're kind of getting half the covers. Yeah, but it's big and it's big. Well, actually, you know what, Jessica, you tell me what happens. Okay. So Billy's relaying this to tuck and Bing. Okay. And Perel. I'm not very good at improvising. I'll do my best. Oh, no, we trust you. Okay. Greg, I'm saying, Oh, the wall.

And then Brenda's like, they're your oysters. You should try one. Mm. And then Brenda eats one. And then Brigham's Greg says, Oh, is he eating it? Yeah, he's eating it. I did. Yeah, he ate it. Okay. Um, Oh, okay. Brenda's reaching over and she's touching. They're kissing. Okay. Okay. They're kissing really hard. We're trying to grab his hand. He's touching her, but Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, the way is things work. Even if as we grab it, he can still see. Yeah, and you pull it away in his eye.

His like irises are just huge. Oh, my God. God, they got naked so fast. And as I could be bitten by porn scorpion as, as like, as it's happening where I, we have grabbed Billy and are running away from the overshadow. Looking back, still look at any screaming encouragement. Yeah, now the left one, maybe slow down though. And this pumping so fast, the canoe, but the sun sets and you can see just silhouetted by the sun and candles and candles, just two human shapes doing it going nuts. Wow.

Greg, I'm just was trying to keep his heart safe. He loved his work, but now with the potion, allowing him to see Brenda, as he truly, he sees her. Oh man. Yeah. Wow. They fucked like animals and sunsets on the sea of graves. And we hear and townspeople look out over the water and they nod slowly and they go back to their homes and it's now nighttime in the sea of graves. And Perel stops and says, that might've been more of a sex potion than a love potion.

I'll, I'll have to take another look at that book. And I think that's where we're going to end it. Yeah, that's where we're going to end it for this week. Uh, my name is Sean O'Hara. I'm your game master playing being the half elf druid, Paul Oppers. Yeah. Bye. Fat Billy, the halfling thief, Jessica tie. Bye everyone. And Tacoma dome, the barbarian played by Abdul Aziz. So long. Uh, thanks to Wes for all the technical work, Abdul for all the editing.

Thanks to our incredible patrons for helping us reach our first, uh, monthly goal. We're so excited and also scared. And fuck you to the patron that increased his donation to fold $20 a month to make us hit our monthly goal. We thought we had easily two more weeks. So send me a fucking message with your phone number in it and I'll give you a call or come to your house so we can say thank you so much. And so I could fucking know. So we on your front lawn.

So we can say, thank you for all your amazing support. I just want to level up your life. Like you've leveled up ours. Jacob, you fucking dick. You're getting a second job. Jacob. Also check out a Spout Lore on Twitter or the fan group. If you want to see some truly insane fan art that came in recently, it's pretty good. And if you want to post more fan art, do it. I love it so much. Uh, and thank you to you for listening. We'll see you next time. Bye. Bye. And so ends the tale of adventures.

Three. Who tried the best? They can. Dumb and scared and lost. Maybe. But times of rest in. And though our journey may be. We will not leave you. Without a resolution. Return next week to hear some more. Whilst you commute. Or do your chores. And for you. I'd gladly. Spout Lore. Do you think it's a bad thing that I can't think of how to make something romantic? That's what I was just thinking, actually. I think. You can't think of how to make a D&D. What? Fuck canoe romantic? Yeah. Yeah.

A D&D fuck canoe. Welcome to Spout Lore. Everybody. D&D fuck canoe episode. The only. The. Genuinely. The only podcast in the world where you are likely to hear the words D&D fuck canoe.