Episode 7 – John Wick!

Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes, noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers have health, he shifts his shape, and wields a spear with great might Billy's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends, and listen close For the tale's about to start Hi, welcome to Spout Lore!

I'm your host, your Game Master, Sean O'Hara. With me as always are players Paul, Abdul, and Jessica. And joining us is guest NPC, Sophie Buttle. What is NPC? Maybe, uh, do you know much about Dungeons & Dragons? No, why? You don't have to. Is this a Dungeons & Dragons podcast? Paul, did you not explain? What? It's a Dungeons & Dragons podcast. I really wish somebody explained this to you ahead of time. It's fine, it's fine. Okay, so don't worry about any of that. Basically. I wasn't, until now.

No, okay. So what I'm saying is that usually, as you can see, there's a pile of dice here. There are dice rolls that happen. That was a bit of an alarm bell when I came in, if I can be honest. The Druid. I wish somebody explained this to Sophie. So I didn't have to be the, I had to explain Dungeons & Dragons to enough people in high school, and I wish I didn't have to do it now. Well, get ready. Sophie, can you make him feel bad about himself while he's explaining this to you?

Oh, I did that all through high school, so we're both ready to go. I'm not sure if I'm doing this right. I'm not sure if I'm doing this right. I'm not sure if I'm doing this right. Okay, so what, okay, so- I've seen Stranger Things, does that help? Yeah, sure, it gives you an idea. I really can't believe nobody explained this podcast to you. That's my bad. Do you feel like you're being tricked right now? Yeah. Oh, okay. That's better. That's better. That's better. That's better. That's better.

That's better. That's better. That's better. That's better. That's better.

It's a real Peyton switch when you said when you said our podcast I thought like oh you and Abdul talking about comedy like classic not anything it's different it's different good move Paul some would say the opposite of talking about comedy anyways we are continuing our game of Dungeon World today and what happened last session oh this is a two-parter oh we've got a lot of episodes you're jumping into it's like it's a lot like cereal Stranger Things yeah Mad Men totally okay so you guys pack up with Who Deer and Wicker is sitting on top of Tuck's shoulder Billy's walking and he's like oh my god how far Who Deer explained that it was about a half day away a half day of travel and she takes you down a road that runs alongside the bus the Bullrush River the rain that started earlier in the day kind of clears a little bit and the sun starts peeking up from the clouds is Dan with us?

No Dan stayed behind okay are we going back? Uh yeah she's taking you somewhere to to fix Billy basically to try and expunge him of this uh malevolent influence do then you're coming back I was wondering did I get my amulet back from Dan?

No yeah no I don't think we ever did that okay I really have to beat the shit out of that guy no he'll give it back he just hasn't yet okay you know he just keeps forgetting okay but you guys have been traveling for a couple hours uh through the early afternoon sun and the river is slowly winding its way alongside the road and up ahead you see what looks like a colorful tent oh by the side of the road ooh food maybe yeah yeah you see a little smoke coming up from a little fire or stove next to the tent nice yeah what's outside the tent?

What's outside the tent? Me so could you describe describe your tent a little bit what it sort of looks like what you look like it's kind of like are you guys familiar with Cirque du Soleil?

Uh huh well it looks like a Cirque du Soleil tent except bigger oh my god and more French Canadian acrobats that's my team they're very good sales people very effective so this is like a department store tent um I don't really know what that is welcome to the world wow this place is huge okay yeah so it's not a small striped tent it's an enormous striped tent it's an enormous tent it's like a pavilion it's also not striped it's it's velvet okay it's red velvet it's very sexy it's a sexy tent uh huh but what do you what do you look like?

I'm really tall nice like how tall? Like really tall and skinny and I have red hair but I'm like pulling it off wow and I have bangs holy shit wow I like that this is what fantasy is for Sophie is in this world now bear with me I have bangs and it works no no no hear me out though I have a white shirt on no stains not a one not one stain holy shit do you have any bows? Do you carry weapons here? Hi I'm Ving that's a bad name what's your name?

Vong I'm Ving who dear walks up to the tent turns to you guys and says this might be a good opportunity to stock up for the road ahead we also have knockoff bags we have knockoff designer bags could you point me in the direction of those bags? Over there okay great then she wanders off to a table full of knockoff bags okay do you have any bagel bites or anything? Any old snacks?

Like era specific we don't have bagel bites we have bagel bites we have bagel bites we have pizza pockets it's kind of similar Billy? Oh he's busy I heard he's the fat is that what? Yes he's very small he's like two and a half three feet tall I'm two feet tall oh I can barely see him because I'm so tall as well remember I'm 5'11 is that too crazy for this world?

If that's too crazy I'll be 5'8 I'm so happy with that I'm 5'8 I'm so happy with that my name is Tacoma Dome I'm a barbarian and I'm currently not romantically attached to anybody oh I'm a redhead so I'm unavailable obviously okay well I need to buy an axe oh an axe yeah the guitars are on floor four sweet Bing what do you need? I need a bow do you sell poultices? Just a bow then do you have a bow and some arrows?

Yeah the hair supplies are at the back can you take us to the fourth floor and show us some of your axes oh yeah and bows great is Billy looking for anything in particular?

Billy has found the pizza pockets whatever they may be he was interested in that so he is stealing them whoa yeah alright that's how you get banned young lady I'm a boy exactly I'm a boy I'm gonna need a don't assume double band I'm gonna need a roll 2d6 plus dexterity because there's an opportunity to get caught here six six that's a failure so mark a point of experience wait can I help him? So how do you distract Vong?

Okay so I like I'm easily distracted by sexy dancing if that's not okay yeah I can do that really well alright so 2d6 plus bond 10 plus 2 yeah that's a lot alright that's great 12 very good so I do a real sexy dance it's crazy do you have side abs? Yes wow I'm only flexing the side abs wow and I'm like oh oh oh oh oh and I'm like distracted and sexy and so Billy's filling his bag with pizza rolls at this point?

Yeah just a few just well no more than a few to be honest and he's gonna scurry outside the tent oh so you go outside and uh and who dears out there and she's got um a new bag and she's like Billy look at the bag that I bought mmm Chanel it was only it was only one coin it's nice right?

I guess I'm trying to get attention of one of the store clerks who are bouncing all over the gosh darn place yeah there's somebody hanging from the from a beam on the roof excuse a oh excuse a somebody help me please if you're having troubles finding a sales associate you can just grab one of the butterfly nets we have available you just gotta catch it catch em and then they'll help you out okay hip huh aha and they're like sacre bleu yeah alright listen do you have any bows? Bonjour no huh?

The big tall lady fella downstairs said uh you might have a bow for me no uh bows uh easy oh thank you thank you one arrows do you have any arrows?

No arrows aha ah wah wah wah wah wah ah la bah thank you so you outfit yourself with a bow and arrow and you're upstairs looking at axes I'm looking at uh axe I'm looking at bass guitars and I'm looking at the weapon axes that are standing next to them which combination of these two things makes me look the most rad I would go with the bass guitar if I can be honest with you it just it suits your brand cool I'm gonna grab I'm gonna grab a bass and it's got it's double necked double headed triple headed double necked and fretless fretless whoa uh yeah I'm gonna get a musical instrument but I also do want to get one of these weapons oh did I mention that the acoustic bass guitars also have knives hidden in them whoa cool what?

Uh can I also buy a weapon though? Oh no it's only one purchase per customer are you serious?

Yeah oh fuck we're pretty strict about that I really needed a weapon well Billy actually hasn't bought anything yet Billy's outside he doesn't seem to be interested have one more purchase we can make though doesn't seem to well you can go talk to him Billy we are uh we're limited to one purchase per customer and you're the only one that hasn't made a purchase yet so does Billy help Tuck out with his uh are you gonna buy anything? Mmm is there anything are there any throwing knives that I see?

Oh certainly well are there throwing knives? Yeah they came with the bass I already said oh well then we're fine okay but if I give you these throwing knives can you buy me an axe? Boot me an axe I guess just boot him an axe okay fine okay fine and uh yeah you all meet outside cool here Billy thanks for can I come with you guys?

Yes I'm okay with it oh I can't I have to finish my shift at work oh okay yeah oh okay I would have loved to so you start walking down the road and as you sort of Houdir is very obviously looking introspective she's got a lot of questions a lot of concerns and she turns around she goes what and you look back and the tent is gone oh wow are my pizza pockets gone? No oh are your pizza pockets gone?

Yes but maybe you ate them maybe because I ate them so in the future when we ask people to do the podcast can we just maybe explain that there's gonna be dice at least no deal anyways and then so you guys carry on for a while the river is babbling to one side the sun is higher in the sky and the clouds have more or less cleared which is nice and Houdir is walking next to Billy do you remember anything that happened earlier today?

I don't know Billy's been in a weird mood since he had that dream or whatever it was do you mention the dream at all? I don't think I did tell her that I don't know I guess I kind of just have like a bit of a stomach ache from walking pizza pockets I don't know what was in it and I did eat a lot like at least seven okay so you're just not feeling well?

I don't feel good and I just feel like I just feel annoyed all the time I don't like it okay well we're gonna try and help you that's what this is all about is we're gonna try and make you we're gonna try and help you feel better okay and your friends will take care of you yeah they always have you got something bad inside of you Billy and it's not just pizza pockets okay well it feels like it's been a while pizza pockets and if it is then there's really only one one way I can take care of that is not being not here maybe like over in that bush but you guys don't want to be around for that yeah do you want to go take a shit Billy?

Do you have to barf bud? That's kind of what I'm trying to say oh okay yeah okay so I'm gonna scurry into the bush okay okay well really non-emergency way of saying you have to go diarrhea yeah how are you liking your purchase? I love it look at this yeah it looks good it's brown yeah it's got the string on it yeah it's got those runes on it oh runes I don't know what they say it looks like can you read them? No no they look like they're dwarvish though I think very cool can I read these runes?

I'd like to Spout Lore all right Spout Lore about these runes 2d6 plus intelligence 8 well since you only got a 7 to 9 that means that I tell you something interesting but not useful and the thing that you know is that they are not dwarvish they're a dialect of dwarvish but more for hill tribes that are commonly referred to as gnomes oh I'd like to Spout Lore on you can't just on gnomes? No no no no no just on gnomes?

Yeah on the gnomes yeah for sure 2d6 plus intelligence to recall what you can about the gnomes how much intelligence? Zero okay cool great four that's two twos mark a point of experience sorry can I aid? No I can't no no that wouldn't help at all what happens?

Well there's just no like you guys are standing on the side of the road yeah like what kind of failure just let me man this is like a weird time for a failure okay you are standing on the side of the road talking about this bullshit and you're telling telling some stuff about gnomes that is not true can I just say whatever?

Say whatever you want I heard that gnomes don't usually make weapons and so this is actually really rare I think I think like it's probably one of the only weapons I heard there's like a subsect of gnomes that like are mostly they're peaceful but these were like warrior gnomes that broke off and then once they were finished their warring they became like capitalist gnomes and they used their ability to manufacture weapons they started selling weapons to the elves and so they started manufacturing these like beautifully made weapons beautifully crafted bows and there's not a lot of them left and I think that's one of those do you think maybe this one came from an elf?

Yeah maybe so all of that is wrong yeah that's not true at all okay and while you guys are talking about this Billy you're you've wandered over to a part near the river where it starts getting a little more forested like there's more trees as the plains shift into sort of a rougher piece of land and you're doing some business little poop poop poop poop little poop poop poop poop and as you are done clean yourself up you are walking out and you feel something tug at your leg what is it?

You look down it's a little green tendril a little leafy green shoot from the bush? From just in the trees yeah from the underbrush oh my god I'm just gonna try to like wiggle out of it it's pulling out of the tree it's pulling pretty hard really?

It's pulling harder and harder oh okay um hey guys yeah it's pulling pretty hard now uh okay and um it actually by the time you you figure out what's going on you are being yanked into this underbrush okay I'm just gonna like holler a lot oh I don't know what it is it's a worm I think just bite down and bear it bud I can't I'm on my poop okay so Billy is clearly in trouble right? Uh well he's yelling pretty loud okay you need a wipe?

No but I didn't have time to bury it and guys can you just come here? Okay I guess I run over yeah you run over to where you hear Billy's voice from and uh you see him being pulled up into the air Jesus like in between like he's at the edge of this copse of trees copse? Copse? Copse? Copse? I always kind of hmm?

Stand stand a stand of trees and uh you see him being stand stoned stoned stoned starned yeah you see Billy being lifted up like into the air between threaded between all these trees with green vines Billy what'd you eat bud? What was in those pizza pockets?

Well nothing like this definitely not okay so I guess I just yell Billy I'm coming for you and then I pull out my new axe and I'm gonna take a swipe at those things okay uh give me a 2d6 yeah hack and slash so 2d6 plus your strength or oof you're like rushing into the brush and uh you get pretty close to Billy like maybe 5 meters away and uh something catches your leg and you trip right over land flat on your face oh fuck and you feel the vines start creeping over you oh it feels so gross and they start they start digging into your flesh oh god yeah so uh roll uh d10 2 okay so 2 damage um yeah so you see Vang on the ground being covered by these bushes or these vines and Billy's hanging up in the air between a couple trees I'm gonna go for the heart of the bush as a boar oh okay you're gonna turn into a boar a wild boar cool uh 2d6 plus your wisdom to shape shift good roll 13 so you get 3 hold and you turn into a describe your boar uh he's a huge ridgeback boar of uh gray hair going down his back uh and uh fluffy gray tail um slightly larger than uh the average uh male boar uh big uh big shiny boar big shiny boar and gills of course yeah and gills and only one tusk uh great so so I'm gonna charge into the bush and try and attack whatever okay at the heart of these vines uh yeah so spend a hold because charging is a thing that boars do okay uh and then roll your damage one one um so you like near where tuck is you charge in and you start tearing at the vines with your uh with your tusks and uh you break a couple here and there but the vines are very strong a lot tougher than you expected them to be and uh you're gonna have to do a little bit more and you don't make any discernible progress in damaging this thing shit and billy so you're hanging like upside down basically by these bushes and you start them feel you start to feel them cutting into you oh my little soft skin yeah your your supple flesh is being torn at by these vines wow what do you do what did I ever do to them you were just shit right on top of them you were just nearby how are you angling yourself to like attack this thing while you're upside down I do my best to do a sit-up I've never done that before I've never done that before I've never done one before well that's that's gonna be 2d6 plus strength for your defy danger because you're trying to like okay I'm gonna give it a shot do a sit-up scrunch time yeah I do a pretty good sit-up all right and now roll your hack and slash so 2d6 plus your strength again wow less good um that is three okay so you um oh man you yeah you do a sit-up and you sit-up and you do a sit-up and you start sawing at like the little vines and as like the second you cut into it more vines shoot around your wrist and they tug your arm back wow and you're the knife drops out of your hand and now one of your arms is like stuck out in the air and who dear runs up to the side of the bush and it's just like what is happening everything went wrong right away what can I do this is your land what are these what can we do I've never I I don't know I've never been attacked by a vineyard before do you have any weed killer no okay fair she's like digging around in her bag though she does start digging around okay in uh the satchel that she has to try and find something but you're on the ground what do you do tuck uh I see billy getting like his uh little arms and legs cut and it uh it really like flames up my uh uh internal maternal instinct and I like just rip I'm gonna try and rip out of everything yeah okay so that'll be defied in your strength and since you are uh enacting your hunger for friendship and acceptance to protect your beautiful baby boy billy you roll a d6 and and a d8 okay when I do it I yell five plus strength seven okay great yeah no okay so that's a seven to nine yeah if the d6 is ever higher than the d8 uh something bad happens oh like you go too far okay yeah yeah um you did say fuck me I'm sorry I was just saying anything don't read into that billy did you hear that I heard nothing okay don't read into it who dear I'm she's digging in her bag stop talking don't read into anything I just said it's like I'm just saying whatever just get rid of just deal with this okay I just wanted to make sure everything was cool you tear you just like flex all your your muscles your fuse your mighty fuse yeah and you hear like uh and yeah you you rip off some of the vines and you are now um up on your knees basically you're not fully standing cool so you can't really you wouldn't be able to effectively use your axe to it I'm in a real john wick pose right now I'm going to get the vines that are still attached to him I think I can at least take care of those and maybe get the vines to to get on me okay yeah well it seems like wherever they attacked yeah you can spend a hold to start ripping at these things.

Okay, I run over and start stomping on Tuck's arm vines and leg vines. Yeah, great. So, yeah, you spend a hold and roll your damage again, that d8? Three. Three, okay. You do tear at a couple of them. You see you start ripping out a significant portion and you do free Tuck's two arms. Go for Billy! Go for Billy. So I get up and I'm like, that dog was a gift from my dead wife. Oh my god. I'm sorry. I'm really leaning into the John Wick thing. Billy, you see John Wick rise to his feet.

No, he's not on his feet yet, but he's got his arms free. But your arm is being held out and the vines are starting to dig in a little bit more. What do you do? Are both my arms busy? No, just one. I mean, I don't have a lot of options, so I guess I'm just gonna, maybe I'll avoid the sit-up this time. I might just reach over for my arm, try to cut that off. Not the arm, the vine. Define. High danger dexterity, I guess. 2d6 plus your dexterity. There you go. Pretty good. I got none.

You can cut a large portion of these. Maybe it's enough to at least release one side of you, but you're gonna have to throw your knife. Alright, I'm throwing it. So 2d6 plus dexterity. Nine again. Alright, yeah, so roll your damage. One. Wow. Can't roll again. Oh, you can't roll again? So you do throw it and you snap a couple. You don't do any, like, huge amount of damage. Like, you don't cut the chunk of vines that you were hoping to cut.

But you do cut one that's, like, holding you up in a certain angle. So you cut it and you start swinging down, basically. You get caught, like, you slam into a tree, basically. And it starts growing around you against this tree. Why? Yeah. Okay. That's the danger. So now you're held, but you're, like, lower down, but you're still being held against a tree. Tuck, what do you do? How far away is the tree from me? Like, 12 feet? Okay. And can I get up and go over there?

Or do I still have vines on me? You still have vines on, like, your legs. Okay. I still have the impenetrable billhook, right? Technically, yes, you have your impenetrable billhook. Okay. Can I throw the billhook at the vines that are starting to ensnare Billy? You're throwing a big knife at a child. Okay, maybe I won't do that. It's okay, I have padding. Yes. Yeah, it's your flesh, though. It's a lot of it, though.

Can I try and snap, use the billhook to snap the vines and jump for Billy at the same time? At the same time, we could do that as a defy danger strength, or dexterity, to make sure that you cut it and you get out before it starts to snare you again. I'm gonna do, like, a simultaneous cut jump. Cut jump. Alright. Jump cut. A slice. Slice and jump. 2d6 plus your dexterity. Dexterity? But it's gonna be, as dangerous as, like, throwing a knife at a child. Yeah, for sure. Oh! Ten. Alright.

Yeah, you do it. Sweet. So, yeah, describe, and what do you do next? Like, what's your plan? So I fucking really John Wick it up right now. Where I, uh, so I'm like, I'm in that John Wick pose where I'm, like, crouched and then I fucking just do a John Wick slice of these John Wick vines and I do, I fucking do a John Wick jump where I do, like, a hop and then, like, everything in the air. Like, uh, the bill hook on this side, axe on this side.

I know it's two-handed, but I'm really fucking John Wick-ing it up right now. And then both of my boots out in front of me. So, like, fucking, like, a John Wick jump. Like, everybody knows what a John Wick jump is, right? John Wick jump when he's got a knife in both hands and his arms are out and both his feet are out as well. And then I, uh, I stab the, uh, axe. I, like, I hammer it into the tree. Mm-hmm. And, like, I've got Billy in front of my chest.

Uh, and then both feet under, like, wedged against the tree. And then, like, the uh, knife into, like, some of the vines that are holding. Well, that's gonna be a hack and slash. D6 and D8 because you're trying to save B-Lo. So, uh, seven on the D8 and four on the D. Yeah. So it's a lot of, it's a lot. John Wick and roll, bud. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, that's a hack and slash. Yeah, so roll your damage. Uh, D10. Zero. That is a… No, no, no, no, no. That is a 10. Whoa! Yeah.

Fucking flipping it around. John Wick. Fucking John Wick. So that's a significant amount of damage. Sweet. Describe how you hack away at this plant. I'm fucking losing my mind because Billy is my boy and, uh, I've got the, uh, the axe in the tree on, on his left and the bill hook in the vines on his right.

So then I take a swipe with the bill hook and then I take out the axe and I, I hammer it into the other side of him and then I keep taking swipes on either side until I break down the tree that he is attached to. Whoa. Yeah. Yes. And then I… It hasn't fallen yet. No. But it has, like, started to, you've cut into it a significant amount. Yeah. And then I'm… It's less structurally sound than it was. Yeah. And I'm like, Billy, get in my beard, I guess. I'll do that. Okay.

So, Billy, you're free. Free of the vines. Yay. Thank you. And I give him a little hug around his neck under his beard. Yeah. It makes me stronger. Mm-hmm. And I do more damage. I'm gonna roll again. No, wait. John Wick! Five. You don't do more damage. Fuck. I'm gonna roll a 2d6. Stop. Stop, stop, stop. To ignore your instructions. Oh, Sev, eight plus two strength. You're being a real John Wick right now. I know. You've been a real John Dick. Ah. Fuck. Oh, fuck you guys. That's the line for you?

Yeah. Okay. So, you do that. You free Billy. You hack at this tree till it starts to kind of crack and move. Mm-hmm. But you see the vine starts climbing up the back of Tuck's legs. Mm-hmm. You are pretty busy. What do you… But, Ving, you see this happening. What do you do? I believe that he'll be okay. I want to charge and do the rest of the dirty work with the tree. Oh, yeah. Break it off and send it flying. Make sure that it doesn't… Yeah, cool. Defy danger strength. Six, seven. Great.

So, you… Yeah. And then you slam into the trunk of the tree. Yeah. And set your little hooves and you push and push and it goes like… And tilts back over the other way and slams into a couple of trees but gets caught in like the cross of a few branches and doesn't totally fall but it's not like it settles. Okay. It's not in danger of hurting anybody anymore. Ving yells, John Wick! He doesn't know what everyone's talking about. Yeah.

So, Tuck, you feel the vines start to creep up your legs and start cutting in again. Okay. Well, primary objective is to get Billy to safety. So, I whip my beard towards Houdare. So, the beard whips over and Billy flies out of it. Whoa. Right. Can I roll for that? Yeah. 2d6 plus strength and Billy, do you want to aid by jumping or something? Oh, sure. I'll aid. So, yeah. If you want. I got nine. Two of these? Yeah, two of those plus your bond with Tuck. Holy shit. 13. So, that's a 10. Goddamn.

Yeah. So, Houdare rushes into the, like, closer to you guys and you toss Billy and Billy jumps out of, like, off your chest like a springboard and Houdare catches you in her arms, Billy, and she runs back out of the forest. She's like, like, away from the vines. Whoa, whoa, whoa. She's trying to save you. Yeah, but we can't leave, like, our friends. They'll be fine. Like, look at this thing. This thing almost killed you. Yeah, but I could, I could do something, maybe.

So, are you, like, like, pushing against her? Yeah, so I'm, like, wriggling a punch. Oh, cool. And she, she just lets you go. Like, she's, she just stops. And hit the ground. Hit the ground. On my butt. And so, what's your plan? Um, hmm. Where's, like, the heart of this vine creature? How about you roll me discern realities? Oh, good. A move that we have not used very often, but is a fun one. Yeah. So, that's, plus wisdom. Okay. Seven. Oh, yeah.

Okay, so you get one question off the, uh, discern realities list. If I use, like, who's really in control here, are you gonna tell me something bullshit? No, no, no, no. Are you gonna tell me where the thing is? That's not, like, that's not what I'm here to do. I'm not here to fuck with you guys. So, yeah. I'm gonna, like, use my senses and be, like, what is who or what is really in control here. Yeah, and you're kind of casting your eyes around. Yeah, and they're, like, really suspicious.

Yeah. Totally. And sort of in the middle of where all this happened, you see in the underbrush there's a particularly strong concentration of plant life and you notice that the thickest vines are coming out of the center, like, the root structure of this one clump of bushes. I'm gonna run to that. All right. The remaining vines are mostly focused on tuck, so you can at least get an angle on it depending on what you want to do. What do you want to do? I'm gonna stab it. You're gonna stab it?

Yeah, because it's literally all I can do. That's fine. Stabbing works. Okay. So, you can fight it. Can I use that move where I, like, shoot first? That's more for being surprised. Fine. Whatever. Oh. Oh, my God. If you'd brought that up, you wouldn't have been able to be surprised by the vine. Dang, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. But no, it's cool. No, just to keep it in mind. Okay. Damn. All right, let's just retcon the last 30 minutes. Are you guys cool with that? Cool, yeah.

Can we just cut this, Wes? No, I'm joking. We're not gonna do that. We're not gonna do that. It's fine. I will merely stab it. Okay, so 2d6, but you get to an additional plus one forward because you're acting on the answer that you got from discern realities. I only got six. You got six altogether with the additional plus one? Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah, can I aid? If you can describe how you aid. I'll dig as deep as I can under the bush and try and lift the bush out.

And I'm gonna try and uproot the monster. Okay. Yeah, uprooting sounds like a… So, you gotta do… You do need to roll to aid. Seven. Okay. Yeah, no, that works. Yeah, so you spend your final hold to uproot it and that makes your attack a seven to nine. Thank you. So, yeah, roll a d8. Six. Yeah, no, that… Okay, that does it. So, describe how you guys like kill this thing. I do… I like stab from… With like my arms from above and just like boom, like stab really hard.

That was like the worst description ever. Describe how you stab it. I lift my arms up and I stab. And I stab it. No, that's fine. Yeah, there's like a clump of like roots. Roots. You know, like a weed. Yeah. It's got like… It all comes down to the center but there's the really thick roots underneath. That's where I get it. And then I also like twist my knife kind of into it. I'm just like, yeah, fuck you.

Like, I don't swear a lot and I really hope they don't hear me because I'm gonna get in trouble. Yeah, so Ving like pulls it up out of the ground and you see the roots like the ball basically and just right in there. But as you're doing that, it's little life roots whip out and start grabbing and slicing at you because it knows this is its like last chance to get you out of there.

It knows to maybe keep you back but it gets both of you and it starts like cutting and whipping and slicing as you're killing it. So you guys gonna roll a d10 for me. Five. Two. So five damage and two damage. I'm pretty low by the way. Are you? I only have five points left. Oh, you would have recovered. Oh, five points after this attack? Yeah. Okay. Because that would have killed you otherwise. And there's milk coming out of the root ball. Yeah, it's like milky paste pouring out of it.

Is it making any sounds? I don't think so. I can hear sounds. Oh, yeah, that's true. You can hear. What does it sound like when it dies? Like a horrible screeching like crocodile teeth on slate. Yeah. So you hear this thing die. Yeah, there's like a pungent milky paste coming out of it. It's pretty gross. Can we eat it? No, I don't want to. You can always. I want to grab some of that because it's good for poultices. Yeah, you can always Spout Lore about it if you choose to.

Is this something that you want to know more about or do you just want to grab some just in case? Yeah, I want to grab some just in case. Can I Spout Lore about it? Yeah. Either of you can like recall. Hey, I'm over here still stuck to the tree. Can I Spout Lore about it? No, it starts now that now that they've like stabbed it to death the vines that were encasing your legs have withered and fallen away. Seven. With what? Oh, with your intelligence. Okay, seven. Seven.

We have no intelligence between the three of us. I know, it's great. So what you know is that this plant is called an assassin vine and that this is what they do. They surprise people that are unwary and they grab them and they hurt them and when they start digging into you often sometimes they can inject a mild, mild paralytic. It basically makes it so it numbs you so it doesn't hurt as much when you die. It's a real Linkin Park type of plant. Yeah, but they're basically predatory plants. Yeah.

And it's interesting but it's not useful. You could grab it if you want and maybe figure something out about it but you don't know anything about it right now. Like if you want to take some of the milk. I do, I want to take some of its milk. Yeah, assassin milk. Most plants I come across especially if they're alive and trying to kill us I take whatever is coming out. I take whatever is coming out of them. It's a good rule. It's a good rule to have.

Well, otherwise why am I carrying so many mason jars? How do they not all break? Do you still have some shambler brambles from the swamp game? Oh yeah. I sure do. Yeah, and Billy's got a little vial of goblin poison too. You guys are really fantasying it up. Building up a collection of shit. Okay, so Houdir comes in further into the bush and she's like is it dead? Is it gone? Did you deal with it? Yes. Yeah. Yeah, Jinx. You'll be dead. You owe me a You owe me a Butterbeer. Yes. Damn it.

Whatever You owe me whatever John Wick drinks. Yeah. You owe me a scotch with three ninja stars in it. With a bullet. She goes Whoa, that was I've heard stories of plants like that but I've never seen one up close. That was harrowing. Yeah, you did. You didn't do very You weren't that close. I'm an older I didn't bring any I didn't think to bring any weapons with me. It's fair. That's okay. You caught Billy. That means a lot to us. Are you okay? Thank you. Yeah, I'm fine.

I just have a lot of cuts. Okay. Well, she like looks up at the sky and sees like the position of the sun and says do you think that you're good to travel a little bit further? We might need to find somewhere to rest before we get any further into the woods. I need to lay down. Yeah, that's my fear. Okay. You need to heal a little bit. Rest. I can be carried though. We can carry you. Okay. Well, how's everybody doing hit point wise? I'm strong. You guys want I could turn into elk again.

I am I still I have half of my hit points. 21. I still have 24. I still have 12. Wow. I have a master's degree in math. That's incredible. Yeah, it's a real testament to the failure that is our education system. I am near death to be honest. Can Billy rest in my beard? Yeah, for sure. Okay. Is that Ving was saying that he could turn into a you guys want me to elk up? I'll make a stretcher between your horns and Billy can lay down. Perfect. Okay. Oh, 11. So you have three hold.

You have three hold. Okay. Get on Billy. Yeah. And maybe maybe who dear but maybe not all three of you. So yeah, I'll just walk. Okay, cool. I'm fine. Great. So a gigantic man is walking an elk which is being ridden by a smaller lady and a little boy and who deer is riding on Ving's back in his elk form and looking around and she says it shouldn't be far. My only concern is that we will have to leave the road.

We might want to find somewhere to stay for the night and rest up before we you know delve any deeper into the forest. It could be dangerous as you can see the forest isn't always the safest place. Do you know of anywhere we can stay around here? There's like farms and stuff on the plains. Let's maybe stop at a farm to see if we can get a hayloft for the night. So there's a farm about two miles away that you see with a smallish house and a barn and some crops.

What kind of crops are grown out here? Okra. Just okra? What about some waffles? Yeah, there's a couple apple trees. No, waffles. What's a waffle? It's like an apple but it's bigger and it's bigger and it's kind of purple. Ok. Nice. There's a couple waffle trees. Oh, cool. Waffle trees. Oh, man. Can we make some waffles? Oh, man. You know what my favorite was when I had a dad? Yeah. It was waffle pie. He would make waffle pie sometimes. My dad used to make waffle crisp. Yeah, waffle crisp.

Waffle turnover. Waffle juice. Waffle jacks. Yeah, I was going to say I liked waffle jacks. Waffle nut cheerios. Oh, fuck. Waffle nuts. Waffle nuts. Waffle nuts. Waffle nuts. Waffle nuts. Waffle nuts. Waffle nuts. Waffle nut cheerios. Who dear? You read my mind. There's nothing in the fall time like some hot waffle cider. Yeah. A waffle a day keeps a doctor away they always say. Yeah. What's a doctor? Who dear? There's doctors. What's a doctor?

So, yeah, there's some waffle trees lining the dirt road that turns off and you see a… Oh, so a orchard. Oh, man. Orchard. Such a good producer. Such a good producer. Such a good producer. Such a good producer. Such a good producer. We really need you, Mike. Have I ever… He's loving this. Have we ever actually… I don't even think we've actually mentioned apples in the game. So, it's just waffles now. Yeah, it's waffles. Oh, she said they're different from apples.

Yeah, so apples are like… They're rarer. Yeah. Sometimes you find small waffles. Great. Anyways, so you pass the waffle trees and there is a man maybe in his 30s or 40s dumping water into a trough that a bunch of pigs are drinking out of and he hasn't heard you coming yet. I don't want to spook him, so I just from far away, I go… He does… You see him like frown and look up and then see you and his eyes widen. It's like, hey, stop being scared. No, he runs. No, stop running. He runs.

He runs into his house. Come back. And he comes back. And then I… And he's got a spear. No, I run up to the door and I start jiggling the handle while he's in there like, come back out here. Don't be scared of me. The house is far enough away that, I mean, you can roll a defy danger if you want to… That's so dumb. Terrorize this man. But he does come back out and he has a spear, like an old, battered, kind of rusty spear and he's holding it out and he's like, what do you want?

I slowly stand up on my hind legs and then try to talk to him like man to man but as an elk and just like, whoa, I just calm down. We're just normal people just like you, my big friend here, my little fat Billy, this old hoo-deer. We need a place to stay. Can we have some of your waffles? Yeah, his eyes are bugging out. Like, we don't want any trouble. We don't want any… Look, we're just simple farmers.

I'm just growing pigs and waffles and you take what you want but you leave me and my family alone. All's we want is a safe place to sleep for the night. We'll be gone in the morning. He's like, I don't talk to devil animals. I don't talk to… Like, look at this. Animals don't talk. Also, what kind of animal is this anyways? You guys gotta go. You gotta go now. I go, hey, hold on. Wait. Wait one second. I… Look, you don't have… Don't just chill out. Then he's really like getting closer.

He's like, you… You chill out. No, no, no, no, no. Here's the deal. There's a secret organization that they… They're called the Menders and they manage the kind of barrier between worlds that is currently apparently breaking down and we're trying to get to a place so that we can deal with this and then I point at the box in Hedir's bag which contains some like evil spirit or some shit. I don't know. But it's totally safe. Yeah.

But Billy's like, Billy's also kind of infected with the evil spirit so we're taking him. We're gonna teabag him later on to get the evil spirit out of him and he's half elf. The elk is half elf? Yeah. And you have an evil box. Yeah. You gotta go. Oh, can I wake up? Oh, so now you're a racist? And he turns back. Ving turns back just his top half so he's got legs. Okay, so Billy's like just on your head. Yeah. Wait, his top half is an elk? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I set Billy down and then I turn back so I'm like a… Okay, yeah. So Wicker and Hedir… Oh, no. I just turned my bottom half into a man. Oh, my God. So, but Hedir gets off. Wicker kind of slides off the back of you two so she's padding around on the ground and Billy's still in your antlers. Yeah, but I wake up and I'm like, whoa, whoa, what's going on? And, because I've been asleep this whole time. Yeah, he's like, is this a kid? Yes. You guys have a kid with you? Yes.

Yeah, he got injured by an assassin vine. Yeah, I'm really tired and, oh, is that, are those waffles? Can we stay? That, like, once he sees Billy, he's very confused. He sees Billy and Billy's all torn up, like, from the vines and he hears that you were hurt by an assassin vine and he softens a little bit. He lowers his spear a little bit. He's like, I just don't want any trouble. We're not trying to cause trouble. We're just trying to help our friend.

Somebody's gonna have to make a roll if you, like, truly want to convince him. Can I make a nice face at him? Yeah, he's Billy's soft ass. A nice face. A nice face. A nice face. A nice face. A nice face. Yeah, like, where I can tell he's, like, feeling sorry for me so I'm gonna, like, look real cute. And, like, so that'll be, like, please so, we hope. I guess that'll be a defy danger charisma. Sure. Nine. Nine. Okay.

He, like, looks at Billy who's all torn up and he looks at the weird half man, half elk and all you and he's like, okay, you can stay. The kid and the old lady can stay. You can stay. You can stay inside. You two, you gotta go somewhere else. Can we sleep in the barn? I got animals in the barn. Can we sleep? I'm an animal. I'm a farmer. You are no animal. You're a racist. Is it weird to not like shapeshifting monsters? Yeah, you got all weird when you found out I was an elf.

I don't believe that an elk is an elf. Shh. I use my hold to turn back. He's still like, okay, so you're a shapeshifter. Like, you could be anything. This could just be another form. You could be a gelatinous pile of blood. You could be a, you could be a bat with a man face. Those are really specific examples. What happened to you? You could be a fire, but the fire speaks with your father's voice. You could be anything. You could be a worm that leads many worms to look like a dog.

You could be, you could be a flower, but when you cut the flower, it screams and bleeds. You could be a rock, but inside the rock isn't rocks. It's childhood memories. You could be an old man who meets you at the crossroads at midnight and tells you how you're gonna die. You could be a pack of playing cards, but all of the face cards are people that you loved and lost. This guy's insane. What I'm saying is that I'm a simple man with simple, horrifying beliefs. Yeah.

And I, look, living out here in the wild, we're far enough from any town. High Spear is still a couple days away. You know, I see some stuff out here and I just want some assurance. We can make it worth your while. What? Okay. What do you mean? Oh, yeah. I thought so. You agree. Well, look, life's hard. I'll deal with the devil. I've done it before. I'll do it again. What? Anyways, you were saying… No, hold on. You were saying you could make it worth my while.

Yeah, well, I mean, I got two coins if you let us sleep in a barn. Two coins, huh? Gold coins. No, gold coins are the common currency. You guys decided that a long time ago. And I'm just rubbing them together in a space. Ooh. Do you have change for a diamond? Excuse me? Never mind. So, let me give you… As a frame of reference, a week's unskilled mundane labor is 10 coins. Hmm. So, like, it's like a day… Like, not even a day's wages for somebody like this. You're a bus driver. There's a guy.

Okay, so, I'm gonna, like, go up to this man and I'm gonna introduce myself with some golden root on my hand. Uh-huh. And I'm gonna try to shake his hand. Okay. How do you introduce yourself? I say, hi, I'm Fat Billy and our friends and me would like to stay here. What's your name? Lerm. Oh. That's me. And you say, is your first name Fat? It's just, like, a long story because there's just two Billys and you know when you have, like, two names. Oh, yeah. Anyway. Yeah, okay.

No, I knew a short Lerm. So, roll me a Defy Danger Charisma, basically, to let him get close to you because he's still wigged out. Eight. Eight. You know that in this sort of situation where someone's this worked up, you might have to, like, double dose it, basically. Okay. So, you can use two uses of your golden root to make this work and you're not even sure it'll take effect right away. Okay, I'll do it. You're still gonna do it? Yeah. Okay, so you mash it up in your hand. Mm-hmm.

I like that you use both hands like a president. Yeah. Yeah, it's on both hands. It's like, hello, nice to meet you. Thank you for coming out. Maybe you put your hand on his elbow. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just, hands everywhere. Yeah, totally. You're just, like, rubbing his arm. Yeah. So, he, like, yeah, he reaches down and he's got a confused look on his face and he shakes your hand and he goes, well, it's nice to meet you.

I can show you two, and he points to Billy and Houdir and your cat, I guess, where you're gonna be staying for tonight. Sweet, and we'll just show ourselves to the barn. No, you will stay right there. Let's show you where you're gonna be sleeping, little one. Okay. And then I whisper really loud, we'll be right back. Okay. I can hear, we all heard that. Oh, sorry. Do you want to say it louder to make sure that they heard you clearly? No. Okay, anyways, and he takes you all inside.

Houdir walks in with Lurm and they talk a little bit about, oh, how's farming out in this area? Oh, you know, it's real tough. The okra, it takes a little bit to take root in ground like this, but oh, they just love their okra and high spear. They love it so much. And she says, have you really dealt with the devil? And he changes the subject. And, um, he shows you to like a little sitting area. It's not a big place. It is two floors, which is like pretty nice. Wow. VIP.

Yeah, it is a VIP little shacky cottage kind of thing with two floors. And there's a main area that is sort of a kitchen and sitting area and dining area all in one. And then there's a set of stairs that go up the back wall from one corner to the other that you assume is where people sleep. And he takes you guys to a little section underneath, basically. He's like, we don't got a lot of room here. So I can set out some hay and stuff under this. It'll be warm. It'll be dry.

That's all I can promise. Are there windows where he's taking us? Uh, there are windows in. There's two windows basically on the left and right sides of the room. It's basically one big room on the bottom. Um, and then the stairs go upstairs. Okay, this is fine. And he, he's like, all right, well, if you need anything else and you see his face start to soften a little bit and he's like, when you like, oh, like there's so much stuff and so much room. Like I'm so small. I know.

And my friends are big. I know. And they could stay here too. They're going to be, it gets cold at night. And, and Tuck has back pain. And so he can't sleep. There's back pain? Yeah. So he needs to sleep on something soft. I can't make a man with back pain sleep on the ground. No, you couldn't. What my, what would my father think? He would probably think very I'll of you. Yeah. You're probably right. Okay. And also, you know, we could probably use some foods, like maybe some bacon. Of course.

Maybe some waffle pies. I can't, I can't, I can't promise any waffle pie. I can promise you some fresh waffle cider. Okay. And maybe some, some like waffle tarts. I got a lot of anything that you want made out of waffles. We don't have to name them all. Okay. I'll take anything like that. Sounds good. And some bacon. We'll talk about it. I'm just, just a sec. You guys get comfortable. I'll, or you two get comfortable. I'll go grab your friends. Okay, thank you.

And Lerm comes back outside and he's like, we're already, we're still having a, in the middle of a conversation. And so he's like, hey, oh, and I don't know. It felt like he knew that I had bought him armor and then he intentionally was like, I'm just going to get a fucking toga. Well, I know. Is that crazy? Am I crazy? No, you're not the crazy one. He's been acting weird, but I, I mean, I don't want your feelings to be hurt by him having something, you know, it's outside of Billy.

I feel like if he was wearing this, that whole thing with the assassin, Vine would have gone a lot smoother. Hey, fell. Hey, fellas, I could have, I'm, I'm sorry. I was a little worked up earlier. You got to understand. It's tough out here. You see a lot of weird stuff. A lot of people try and take advantage of farmers like me. Yeah, man, it's a tough world, but you know, I feel bad. It's going to be cold tonight. How about you guys come stay in the house? You're the best.

You might have to sleep on the floor. I can get you some, some, some blankets, but it'll be a lot, it'll be a lot warmer than the barn too. Slow chant. Lerm, Lerm, Lerm, Lerm starts bobbing his head. Lerm, Lerm, Lerm, Oh, you guys, you guys. No, it's not. And I lift him up onto my shoulder. Oh, no, you don't have to do it. No, it's fine. Lerm, Lerm, Lerm, Lerm, Lerm, Lerm, Lerm, Lerm, Thank you so much. Okay, no, we bring him in the house and then everybody joins in.

Lerm, Lerm, Lerm, Lerm, Lerm, Lerm, Lerm, Lerm, Lerm, Lerm, Lerm, Lerm, Lerm, Lerm, Lerm. Yay. So that's the game for this week. This has been Spout Lore. I'm your game master, Sean O'Hara. With me as always have been players, Paul, this old who dear, Abdul, my big friend here, and Jessica, my little fat Billy. And joining us today was Sophie Buttle. I'm 5'11". As the interventional merchant, Vong, which is gonna lead to me having to figure out a lot of stuff.

And thank you so much to Hecklers for letting us record in the Hecklers Island. Upstairs Lounge. Thank you so much to Aaron Reed for our amazing theme music, which you will hear in just a couple minutes. And thank you to our producer, Wes. Are you just saying John Wick a lot? Because you said it once and you're worried I was going to cut out the original. And thanks to you, Spelt Loreans. Yeah. Oh, and you know what?

It's a million episodes in probably, but we literally just started releasing it at this point. Thank you so much to the 20 people that we now know are listening to the show. And my name is Sean O'Hara. See you next week. Bye. And so ends the tale of adventures three who tried the best they can. Though dumb and scared and lost they be for time suppressed in revelry. And though our journey may be like a conclusion, we will not leave you without a resolution.

Return next week to hear some more whilst you commute or do your chores. And for you, I gladly Spout Lore. Yep. So you get one hold, which means just don't do anything. Oh, 11. Oh, 11. Yeah. I do imagine when he gets only one hold, he's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, you step on an ant, you could turn back into a man. Damn it. Oh, boy. I'm really on the edge with this.

It looks like he's about to come. I'm a man again. John Wick.