Episode 8 – Heartwood City

Hey, Tuck here telling you to donate to speltlore.com slash money please or patreon.com slash speltmore for more of this I'm doing an act out but you can't see it below the table Show me your hands right now No, I'm still doing it Show me your hands right now No, why?

Because I'm masturbating Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes, noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name You know them by deed Their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute He knows not his home He loves to sing and fight Fingers half-elf, he shifts his shape and wields a spear with great pride Peely's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest, they may not be but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends and listen close for the tale's about to start Hello everybody and welcome to Spout Lore I'm your game master Sean O'Hara Joining me as always playing Tacoma Dome I'm the barbarian Abdul Aziz Hello everybody I have no food in my mouth Playing Ving the half-elf druid Paul Oppers Hi everyone I no longer have food in my mouth And playing fat Billy the halfling thief Jessica Tai Hello Wow That almost sounded like you had no food in your mouth When last we left our heroes They were reeling from Ving's encounter Brief though it may have been With the Gibbous Man Reeling?

Sorry Yeah is that reeling or gone?

Mad Ving after Billy found his mourning fairy child stretches A little hampered by some sort of presence in the air Ving shared with the party that he had encountered the Gibbous Man And through some Chamberlain ring memory watching The party lost their minds They were convinced that Ving had a coin in his head And tried to shake it out of him Like a pinata Absolutely at each other's throats Thrown around I don't trust you Well I don't trust you Until Morrison Perel arrived And explained that perhaps that was the Gibbous Man's trick all along Was saying just a couple words And causing you all to freak out We then headed out back on the trail To the center of the wood Which we decided and realized Is the elven capital city of Heartwood Changing The party's goals a little bit From finding a magic tree To infiltrating the most populated city in the great forest But you know We totally fucked ourselves Maybe a little bit But it's going to be more exciting for sure The party carried on through the trees On the back of their tree gliders Meeting Among many other things Leo, an old elf burnout Hanging out in the trees recording music Of the tune wood He's a major recording artist Yeah his full name was Leonardo DiCaprio I thought you were actually going to say it Excuse me, say it twice Leonardo DiCaprio Leonardo I rolled down, kind of Leo The last bit of his name was And Leo absolutely Bamboozled the shit out of the three of you You know what, I think we got a deal This is magic music I'm really defending Leo's He's a cool guy I made him up, he's neat And I thank you that he's the coolest guy I guess he's kind of been one of the only ones who's nice to us That's true Why are we shitting on this guy just because he's an old hippie He's probably a racist, you're right I didn't think of that We carried on down a secret treetop road That Leo and other elven Forest walkers Use We made our way to the next Ferry ring Taking a brief moment to Abuse the The page's functions once again To get it to summon as many clothes As you possibly could So the party disguised themselves Ving as the Humanoid equivalent of a Centaur merchant Tuck as the fanciest boy in town And Billy as A pile of yarn And mounting up And heading off into the trees To make their final approach to Heartwood The camera Seeing at the edge of the ferry ring They camped in the night before A couple small withered mushrooms And that is where we find our heroes now Coursing through the trees Top their tree gliders Discussing, I imagine, their plan for their approach to the city Yeah Black Spire 2 Yes sir What do you know of the tree gliders Stables at Heartwood Very little sir I mostly served in the Boreal Reach And I am only six years old So I have spent most of my time in that part of the forest sir Fuck Dude Tree glider lifespan I'm considered early middle age sir Aww Yeah so unfortunately your tree gliders won't be much help In this part of the wood Cause remember though they have been a ripping ass The forest is a very large place Can I Spout Lore about the police force Or like the military presence in Heartwood Totally At least as you remember it Seven So interesting but not useful What's something interesting about the Militia, the guard at Heartwood's That Ving would remember from being a young boy Umm Maybe they don't have stables Like they're always stationed In the trees Oh yeah that's interesting Like they're always kinda on the move And also I guess if tree gliders used to live in the Heart tree Then maybe theirs still do I like that What do you mean lived in the Heart tree Well remember we talked about how like tree gliders were The original population of them was found Like around the Heart tree like in this area Oh the knowledge tree Yeah the knowledge tree Yeah the knowledge trees Okay Yeah sorry So then maybe these ones still Kinda roost in there That is where their stables technically are Oh it's like close to the heart of the Yeah like of the city Of the city yeah Well and I like that since the Twisting of the woods That they've like moved them out Like they're like Oh They think that they're protecting it But they're doing it harm maybe Yeah Or they're changing the way that the forest operates Yeah that's very interesting Yeah cause if we If they were kind of like around the Heart tree Of like around the Heartwood still Then us as like merchants we could get in there Mmhmm Yeah that's a good point Yeah Um Anything else you wanna try and discuss on your way So yeah Tuck goes Are we So I assume we're not using our real names When we get there That's a good point Should be Terry, Larry, and Chad Yes That's a great idea Dibs on Chad I'll be Terry cause of the What Fuck no just Larry's the lamest one What Okay so Terry, Larry, and Chad Yeah I'm Larry Okay You're Terry And you're Chad Sweet Mmhmm Alright Are the three of you gonna remember this Yeah Yes I'm gonna write it down You look like Larry cause of your weird outfit Oh thanks This is how Larry dresses One of the dumb Dumb and dummers He dresses like a fop Yeah Yeah Uh Okay that's a good one Okay that's a good one Okay that's a good one Yeah so that's the We've got our disguises Yeah Any plan or are we just gonna Go Full balls I feel like we We wanna kinda like Claim that we're merchants To get past the guards right We should Wander through town And see if like I don't know like Nathaniel must know where we're going by now Mmhmm Maybe some of his rangers have come To like Try and meet us Yeah I guess we can kinda like Let ourselves be seen Mmhmm And then I don't know Maybe go to a hotel Or a cafe Or something Is there a market?

Oh yeah there's lots of markets Then we should go to the market And try and sell the Tree gliders there Pretend Yeah pretend pretend Obviously Okay And we could even Maybe get the tree gliders If they're into it To You know we could sell them to The The attachment here And then they can work From the inside Oh As sleeper cells Mmhmm I don't mind that Hey Black Spire 2 What do you think about that?

I think that that is a Dangerous proposition Sure but one I am willing to Undertake in pursuit Of the mission What better way To free your brethren Than to infiltrate And get inside Agreed We trust you And your capabilities You're basically A detective now Detective eh?

Do do do do Yeah You see his like His stance changes A little bit His little fur Puffs up Yeah it puffs up And he just His stance changes From a rigid To kind of like Aloof It looks like He's holding a cigarette Yeah He's got a little Twig in his In his paws now Or I guess a big stick Cause his paws Pretty big And he just starts Chewing on it Alright then we're on The approach to Heartwood Sweet Yeah Disguise is ready Plan set And hopefully Fingers crossed Nathaniel's forces Can contact us When we're there I think we did this In McCall too We're like We're in disguise But we're gonna make A big deal So everyone looks at us And sees our disguises And that'll be our disguise I can't think of anything Else Neither can I We could also go To a pub We will eventually Go to a pub Because And then Tuck pulls out The marble jar And it's totally full Can we have husky breakfast now?

We'll do it after We'll finish the mission And then we'll go husky Fine We'll finish We'll just kill the god And then we'll go To the restaurant Yeah Yeah if it's still there By then If the gibbous man Hadn't destroyed it I bet you Was trying to destroy All of the huskies Yeah Oh my god We need to stop him Because he's the knight The thing that he hates The most is All day breakfast Perfect So you're Ripping through the trees Black Spire 2 Is You can You can hear him going We approach the metropolis And I can feel The stink of corruption In the air already The air is I mean the light Is coming in Through the branches And creating like Venetian blind strips Yeah Venetian blind strips Across the sky Yeah And I knew there was One thing that I was Going to find in this place And that's trouble And as you're running Through the trees Very suddenly Appearing on either side Of you Are two more Like war gliders With guards on the back They spin their fingers Around in a rapid up motion And they point to the ground And they say Ground it We do that We do it in like Really like Fast Like in a neat way Oh yeah And their two gliders Like kind of Arc down Through the treetops In front of you Crisscrossing And then landing On either side What took you so long?

We'll ask the questions here Yes we'll ask the questions here What's your business here?

State your business In Heartwood We're uh We're merchants Uh Tree glider breeders Uh We heard that The uh The battalion here Was uh Was short So uh We came to deal But We are very expensive So don't think You're getting a deal Cause we have top notch Sugar gliders here for you My name's Chad Of course I'm I'm Larry The cool one Of the group Damn it You really are pissed Um Terry I I am the lead trainer Oh man Yeah Fuck yeah My methods are Wide and renowned I mean Renowned Widely Do you have any documentation To prove your claims?

Heartwood is not in the Business of allowing Outsiders Into the city I haven't rolled My fairy child yet For the new day No you have not So I'm gonna do that Right now Alright Oh hell yeah Fourteen is what I got Holy shit So that means I have five Fairy holds For today Wow God damn So I'm gonna use one To charm This individual I hand the British guy An old receipt From Husky Diner That you kept For sentimental reasons Yeah Yeah Yeah It's hard to hand it over Cause I don't know If I'm gonna get back It's all greasy Cause you had a potato wedge Folded up in it You will find all my Credentials on this Paper here And he takes it And the charm Overlooks the fact That you did just Hand Like he doesn't even look At the receipt really He just goes Oh Quiet quiet quiet Understood Please Welcome to Heartwood Go on by Thank you As you're like Walking past The other guard Rides over Goes what was that about man You got like a You got like a scheme Going with those three Just like They just seem trustworthy Enjoy your time In the city I will You forgot His voice His voice is gone Yeah And you Ride through the trees Emerging into Heartwood And uh We see The city of Heartwood So let's talk about What this city looks like The Wizard of Oz Oh like Emerald City kind of Tiered almost Yeah Like starts low And then builds up To like the base Of the The Heartwood tree Oh yeah That'd be kind of cool Yeah How big is the heart tree I'm thinking pretty big Cause it's like the tree At the center of the whole forest Yeah it's like A millennia old So it's the size Of a skyscraper Kind of thing I think it's pretty thick But actually Not as tall It's stunted It's stunted Cause it's These old trees Can I don't know I guess I'm thinking Of like that tree Methuselah a bit Yeah I like the idea That it was The tree that Was here first So it didn't have to Out compete with everybody So it got to be Got to be very wide Wide and fat And just take it all in Didn't have to grow up And then by the time The other trees were growing It was You know It's a magical tree Or whatever Yeah And I'm imagining Like a lot of the Cause it is like Twisted and old Like Methuselah Like very Ancient and like Naughty looking But like I imagine like branches Big branches like Arc out over the whole city That's kind of what I was thinking Like it's very wide And umbrella-ish Cool And then I think that there's like A kind of a natural clearing Around the tree And I don't think They've built up quite To the tree Yeah That makes sense And then Or even I was thinking Like a wall Yeah Like a ramshackle-y Kind of But very intense Thrown up wall Around it Like they're trying To protect it Like this thing of like Squeezing something In your hand And falling on your fingers Yeah Yeah And we were talking About there being like Monks or priests Or something That kind of live Around the tree Is that where like The wall is Yeah like It's sort of like You know like how a church Is built when they've got That wall around Like the cloister Or whatever Yeah I like that there's Churches So to speak To use Built into the wall Like so they have access To the tree Yeah so that's like A religious district Is like right immediately Around the base of the tree Well not immediately But you know what I mean I like the Like if the orientation Of the city is like The entire city Is built on a hill And like The knowledge tree Is like At the top of the hill In the middle So even On the approach To the city You can see it Yeah But then like Coming down the hill Is like the rest Of the city Essentially Oh what if it's like The roots Of the tree Are like All over the city Oh I see Cause it's like At the top of the hill So like the roots Are kind of going down All over And things are built Around and into that I like that I like that Like it acts as Like the framework For a lot of structure Yeah The infrastructure Of the city Is the root system I also like that You'd think it would be The Like the well to do Most rich people Are up against the wall But it's more like The poorest of the people Have clambered in As close as they can To the wall around Like the slums Are around the churches Right Cause if the If the gardeners Are essentially the priests Like then They would be giving out Like What's it Alms Alms yeah So people want to be close Yeah Right and like We were talking about The woodworkers Like a lot of buildings Are coaxed Growth Yeah So maybe Things are like Grown up Out of the roots Like buildings That grow up out And then maybe In the branches too Like hanging down I do like what you were saying Or like a part of what you were saying About how They have clear cutted areas And like Maybe they've taken down Like whereas they used to live Up in the trees They've cut those things out And they've built them Like maybe with rough masonry And they've built them up On the ground But used these old things So like The big houses Are like Burls Burls Glass Concrete Stone Oh yeah Moss Like they've built them Into these McMansions But Out of the chunks Of the old trees Yeah Like people used to live In the branches of the tree But over time For whatever reason The gardeners And the nobles Were like Nobody's allowed to do that anymore They probably took it as a threat If Like they didn't want anyone seeing Yeah Right So The quote unquote Clear cut Is like That there are Sparser branch structures Oh yeah Yeah it's less Spread out Than it used to be And more like Back towards the center Of the tree That's cool So you're approaching The city What's the first thing You see like After taking in This giant sprawling Old twisted pine tree Yeah there's people Milling about And There are many markets out There's some smaller Little like Outdoor stands And then there's Market Areas But up the hill Like kind of the Paths that are More I guess Like sort of like A sidewalk I like that they have Pulley systems set up too You can like Click click Click your card in And then people are paid To like Oh yeah I like that That's so cool Yeah Pulley Pulleyman And I think like Those parts are maybe A little newer too Because it used to be like Oh if you take a wandering Path through the city It's kind of like A spiritual thing And like enjoying The shade of the Knowledge tree Oh yeah But now people are like I gotta get to work I gotta go straight up This hill And I need this thing To help me Yeah in the very Steep parts They've carved out Steps Yeah Yeah It looks a little More worked Than it used to Like less natural Some of the roots Have been cut Into steps too Like Oh Yeah God No What am I doing Yeah totally So you Emerge right into You come into the city And you're in A market You see a guy Who's got his arms out And he's got birds All over his arms And he's like Gesturing to all his birds And the lady's like Hmm I don't know Looks pretty big Arms are just Covered in shit And And Tuck He looks He's like That's not nearly Enough birds Can't make even A decent dinner With that Yeah There's a guy Standing next to What's like I guess like a big Like deer And someone's like Hmm How much milk She given Like it's just Classic farm Merchant stuff Is everyone an elf Yes Around you That is gonna be A big problem For you guys Some people are Kind of looking Yeah People are like Looking at this Tiny little boy Wrapped in yarn Walking on the ground And then a gigantic Man in a fancy suit Did we put Pointy ears on everyone Yeah I put I did what I was With the page I did put on Like elf ears Cause like We do stand out a lot In like an elven Civilization Yeah Billy did you do that I didn't Cause I had a hood And I didn't think About it I'm too short To be an elf anyway Yeah They know right away Tuck's ears are Really long It's trying to Touch it in a Different way Yeah And yeah So you're looking For like the Like a place to set up Or a person to talk to Oh yeah I'd like to discern Realities to see if We can find the Market runner Yeah let's do it 2d6 plus Wisdom Oh nice Good lord 13 Okay 3 questions off Discerned realities Who's really in Control here There he is There's a guy With a scroll Made of bark Who's like writing Things down and Talking to people Seems like he's Taking coins Every once in a while He's like Early 30s equivalent Of elf age He's got Like a robe Of green fabric On and little Glasses on his face And a Goatee Yeah He walks up And he goes Alright where's Where are you Setting up You here to sell These things Yeah how much For a stable It's uh 5 coins 5 coins Per day Plus expenses Oh my gosh Jeez that's extortionate That's a ridiculous rate 5 coins a day Uh what here is most Is useful or valuable To me Uh you do see That there seems to be An older Elf woman In like the The same sort of Uh Arraignment That the Guards were wearing On the way in Going around and looking At uh Livestock Like hmm Oh so she's buying Looks like it For the military Or she's just buying And she's in the military But either way There's a military person Here buying What he does not What it appears to be You see Just behind That military woman In a cloak The hood pulled down Trying to be very sneaky What Looks up Wendy Oh And she She makes eye contact With you I look away Oh Tuck and Vink Both clock her At the same time And then we very Obviously look In the other direction Oh what's that What's in the sky Uh It's a tree Oh shit There's Oh it's a whole city A big tree like that It's a whole one big Whoa Wait is this one big tree Fuck Tuck says that to her Fuck An elf next to you Jumps And the bird in his hand Starts flapping Oh my god Oh yeah the guy With the arms of birds They're like They pick him up And fly away And he's gone That guy's Calm down Calm down That guy's been dragged Away into the air He's gone The market runner's like Actually this stall Just became available We'll take it This is perfect We'll take it Well wouldn't you know it A stall has just become Available Hmm Uh and you Set up your fucking Your stall Yeah While you guys do that Can I just Can I go pickpocket Yes 100% you can go pickpocket You do not have any coins I don't think Billy Do you have any preferences On how the stall looks You're very particular Sometimes Billy I know Today more so than others I'm sorry That's okay Billy You guys are saying Your real names Constantly Oh shit We're dumb Right Sorry I mean Terry Terry No I didn't know What you meant No Chad And Larry I am not Feeling particular About our stall today But I appreciate you Checking in with me Put her there Mr.

T Yeah we punch it in Punch it in Punch it Yeah That's actually what it looks like When Billy has to Fist bump those two We stretch We downward dog Yeah And we're We're like No problem Larry And then The market runner's like Wait why do you guys Always pause so long Before you say each other's names Also did you say that He was going to go pickpocket No Picklocking He works for a clock maker Who Needs him to unfix Lock gears Yeah Ah interesting Well I mean The fee Is six coins a day You said five I did And you said Pickpocketing And he holds his hand out How much money do you have None I don't have You don't have any money There's no money on here Can I There's a big coin purse Attached to This guy's Belt And I'm like I don't have any money Yeah Nice Um I would like to switcheroo Oh okay Yeah so Yeah I've got I've got my trail mix I've got a bag of trail mix Under my cloak Nice Nice So I'm going to switcheroo Okay And I'm going to use A fairy child for that I guess Yeah Yes Let us pay you Right now And as you Basically as you pull it Out of your pouch Uh huh Whoop It just swaps In your hand And now you're holding A little pouch of coins And I just like Open it up So that he can't tell It's his bag And I put out five coins And I say Here you go sir I think I said six You know what An extra coin For your trouble Ah very good Have a enjoy Your day at the market Alright Thank you My name's Chad I don't care I'm Larry Very well They now pronounce As Chad and Larry And he walks off Through the market And starts fucking Extorting other people How many more coins Are left in here Uh what's a Normal amount of coins For somebody to carry Fifty Fifty-ish yeah Fifty If he's like Taking coins from people Like doing active business And it's five coins a day This market's probably Like twenty or thirty stalls That's true So we've got Forty-four coins left So now you guys are loaded And uh In this illegal market Sick That was easy That was too easy I need a challenge Yeah Can I go Can I go pickpocket Yes Billy You can go pickpocket For two hours max Okay Yeah that's fine Okay Okay Bye Bye Be safe Have fun I will If something goes wrong Come back and get us Yep You know how to reach us Ving flicks the ring Mm-hmm Mm-hmm Bye Clarence Bye Go steal something cool for me Oh I will I'm gonna pickpocket For snacks mostly Yes Screech Screech Uh and you You Tattle off into the market Anything or any One kind of person You're specifically Looking for Or just grabbing stuff You see Scrabbing stuff Um There is a Pie cart So you're gonna go Try and steal a pie Mm-hmm There's little hand pies Alright pick It's the tricks of the trade 2d6 plus dexterity Ten Holy shit Fuck yeah You do it no problem Wow I am able to grab a pie Of every flavor Yeah and there's an old Crooked elf At the pie cart Says hey young man You looking at pies Um You know what Not really Um They smell nice But I Uh I uh Have I um I can't have wheat Or Bread Oh One of those Yeah Mm Well I always wish I could We do have a gluten free selection Oh do you Yeah and he points At a bucket of oats That his Mount is eating out of That's not bad actually It's better than most Other pie shops Well Alright So if you don't want any pies Then you should go Oh I'm sorry Okay That's alright Bye I'll tell people That your pies smell Really good though And he leans forward Will you actually Yeah Oh no I should have Taken his pies His eyes got so big Okay So what you gotta Here's what you gotta tell him Come around Come around here You work for me now boy You need a job You got one My name is Harlin Uh huh Short for Loth-Har-lin-da Okay Once more Loth-Har-lin-da Okay Wow So just tell him That my pies Are good Okay Hoth-Lar-in-the-urse Pies Are really good They And I can tell You use fresh Sage and rosemary Tell him that for sure Oh you don't Just tell him Yeah I can do that Beautiful Alright And uh You know what What Well take a little pie For yourself No way I couldn't possibly Thank you I insist We're in business now Thank you Alright Get on out of here You little scamp Okay So I take a pie And then I secretly Leave him Four coins Is that another Fairy child move No I just I just leave it Like on the It's his cart And they're all Kind of lined up On little shelves Along his cart Oh cool So I just leave Some coins there I'm like Yeah you know Just don't check That spot Until I'm gone So I got a fun Butternut squash And lentil pie And I got A deer pie Oh nice And root vegetable Mash pie Ooh What about a bat pie For Clarence Ooh a bat pie I grabbed two bat pies Nice And they're all Shaped like the things They're flavored as So like the squash Is a little squash And the bats Are all like Very delicately crimped To look like The things that they taste like Cool And then I'm gonna run to another cart Okay And we will cut back To the tree glider Sales booth And Yeah Somebody Walks up A middle aged Elf man Shorter Little paunchy Has a little mustache So Got tree gliders For sale huh Yeah Ving said You look like You need one That could handle A little extra Around the middle Huh Don't you know it That's the fanny pack Under his shirt Yeah Well you know My son He's got really Into the The old Tree glider Racing lately And I'm trying to find Some good stock To get him set up Oh Good stock Heck We got the best stock Look like it boy Yeah these guys Are the fastest Tree glider I've ever raised Honestly He goes up to Hank And he starts like Ruffling under his head Um And he's like Whoa These boys look like They're almost Military stock Yeah Pret near Hank You can tell Like starts like Growling I'm gonna bite the shit Out of this guy Get away from me Uh So How much for him Uh Yeah They're uh 400 coins each 400 Coins These are Primo Racing Gliders You gotta be Out of your tree Blessed minds Look dude It's gotta be Value on my end Or else No fucking deal We also only Sell them wholesale So you gotta buy The whole lot All at once Otherwise It's not worth it For me I'm dual specific Whatever He's like No you're out of your mind I can't I could do Maybe Maybe 200 We could do a lot of 20 400 each It's all That's all I can do man It's all I can do for you I like that This is like We're way overpricing So no one buys them Yeah totally He just He goes And then he walks away And then he stops And he turns around And goes And keeps walking Through the market You just hear this Like Affronted sound Like a beacon Like every Fire Like a foghorn In the night And he walks The fuck away And Are you I assume you guys Are waiting Trying to tempt the We're waiting for Wendy to approach us Yeah and Wendy is You only notice Because you've seen her And you know what she And she's probably Trying not to hide from you Yeah But she's kind of Doing this like She'll glide Her cloak Blowing behind her Glide over to a booth And go Hmm I don't know And then look back at you She's pretty graceful And then she like spins And goes to another cart And looks at a knife And goes Hmm And then Tuck Leans into Ving And he's like Dude I think she's like Kind of trying to show off To you Or something Or like do something I don't know if she's Trying to show off to you No definitely not me I get the vibe That she's super Didn't like me She goes over To another cart And picks up some sort of Like tree fruit And looks at it And goes Hmm And then she like Walks past a guy And she's got As she like Passes There's a pasta guy?

She walks past a guy What are you fucking Trying to do here? Are you The intern? You son of a bitch She walks past Someone in front of her And as she crosses by As she comes out On the other side She has a glass Like a drink And she takes a sip And then the guy That she passed by Raises an apple To his face And goes What the fuck? Whoa God Did you see that?

Her tradecraft is like Fucking crazy good She's as good As Billy And she Glides over to you Hello there I see you are selling Some fine tree glider stock Yes hi My My I'm Jed Ah I'm Jed Sorry One more time I'm Jed Pleasure to meet you Chad Hey I'm Larry Wonderful And then The top of Larry's ears Are brushing against The little tent That they're in The stall you set up The stall that we're in Keeps like Pulling my head Back This is my elf friend Larry Charmed I'm sure And then I wiggle The ears at her Well unfortunately I am not in need Of any Tree gliders That's too bad It is What are you in need of?

Oh I'm just Passing through town I'm Mostly here To take in the amenities At a local hotel Ah Bing thinks he understands But doesn't I see I will be staying Staying At the double tree That's pretty funny I was trying to come up With a fucking hotel name And all I came up with Was double tree Ooh By Wyndham Hotel I will be staying At the double tree inn In the center Of the Trade district And then Tuck is like Cool yeah Yeah Bing Where should we We don't know Where we're gonna stay We don't have any I would say My favorite thing About the double tree is The double tree is The double tree is The double tree is The double tree is The double tree is The double tree is The double tree is The double tree is That there is a delicious Dinner Available At 830 In the evening We're gonna eat At the market There's a lot of things here I saw Billy Buy the pie cart He's definitely Eating a couple of those Ah wonderful And she turns around And goes to Billy He's uh He's He's at a little Science fair Trade cart Okay Okay And it's mostly Marketed towards children Uh huh But he's buying Little sciencey kits Nice Okay so there's a little What does that look like One in a fantasy world Two in an elf city Okay So They're little baskets That have been woven With like tree bark Mmhmm And inside Are like little vials Of vinegar And baking soda And um Plant dyes Uh huh For red food coloring Nice Um And like Arbutus Paper Mmhmm For paper mache Horse glue Uh huh From horses From horses Yeah I don't know Just like fun stuff Yeah Powdered Pigments Yeah totally And there's a There's a young elf woman Who has the vibe of like The people that work at the bug zoo Yeah Who's just like Yeah that one's really fun If you've never done like a Baking soda and Uh Vinegar volcano It's quite exciting No way Yes Does it explode pretty big Oh it explodes pretty big Oh they're gonna love this Make sure that your parents Uh Supervise you when you do this I don't really have parents I've always I've just always dreamed of Having one of these But Maybe one day I'll fulfill that dream She's crying instantly Look I I really shouldn't do this My My boss is going to be quite upset But I think science Should live In the heart of every child And not just those that can afford it You know Before my grandpappy Passed away That's exactly what he said to me Grandpappy Please And she takes one And she gives it to you And she closes your hands around it I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't You must I insist Are you sure Please Okay thank you bye And she stands up And the camera sees her Wipe her eyes And Billy's like Nice Fucking gotcha Another emotional manipulation check Is Billy a bad person He says this in his head Am I a bad person So he stops And a woman is towering above you Hello there I didn't steal this Oh I didn't take it I never would have dreamed Of accusing you of such things And she pulls her hood back Oh it's just you Okay And she puts her hood back on So I was just telling Two men who you might be acquainted with Uh huh That I'll be staying At the Double Tree Inn Okay I mean I don't Know what this has to do with me But whatever We're thinking about getting dinner Dinner At 8.30pm At the Double Tree Inn In the Trades District Oh I'll be there What are you having Have you looked at the menu yet We'll discuss it Do you have a copy of the menu So I can look at it I don't If you go to the Can you tell I can't read it I can't read the menu though Can you tell me what's on the menu So I can plan ahead We'll discuss it At the inn I didn't actually get a chance To look at the menu But it's important that you remember Double Tree Inn 8.30pm Yeah 8.30 Dinner time I'll see you there Very well And she stands up And takes a few steps Into the market crowd And you can't see her anymore I go back to the science lady She's back How much are these kits It's on the house young boy No how much are they What does the price say It says It says one coin I give her one coin Oh Well thank My grandpappy didn't die I just I told a lie I'm sorry Oh Oh What Nothing It's just that Well my grandpappy did die And he did love me And I didn't inherit anything I have to work this job And I don't get paid very much And I just I just don't know That I'm able to To survive on these wages Much longer Things are so hard In Hotwood City Wait that's convenient Who's that That's my grandpappy He looks Fine and well Yes he's He's never been healthier He's a thousand And ten years old And he's never been better He's in the prime of his life Kill me Somebody kill me He's got the elf madness For sure And that's why you shouldn't Lie to people little boy Look lady I'm really sorry I lied Well just you remember this You remember this lesson That I have taught you Go Scoot And she takes a broom And she starts Chasing you away I bought this fair and square I didn't do anything wrong I didn't do anything She looks like Michelle Pfeiffer From that movie Yeah And uh We cut back to the booth Fuck it It's gonna be really hard To figure out Where we're gonna stay tonight I don't know Billy comes running back in tears I don't know Whoa Billy What happened?

I did what you guys told me to do I told the truth Uh huh Uh huh Cause I was having fun I was getting stuff from people for free Uh huh I was still giving them money Wait Cause I had so much And it's heavy Uh huh But then I told the truth And she She didn't like it So I'm never gonna tell the truth again Wait a second That There's no way that's the way The full interaction went It totally was Are you leaving out any part of it?

Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Awesome And uh You hear behind you Oh Well these ones are beautiful Just a beautiful Beautiful specimen And you look and there's the older elf woman In the military garb Oh yeah Um And Tuck goes over to her And he's like Uh yeah These ones are They were raised to be military stock I can tell that they are military stock Mmhmm In fact they are Exceptionally Well bred military stock And they seem to be currently wearing armor Made from the woods In the style of the elven armor You see They Their father was a major And their mother was a major As well They are double majors Um It's in their genes to fly with armor Armor According to their parents' stylings Passed down from generation to generation Sugar to sugar And they're wearing armor Forever and ever And down the lines And they're also uh My name's Chad And I'm Larry Uh And the They've also been partially trained by our Our little breeder here Why yes I am the head trainer Um Of this cohort Mmhmm Um Watch this And I go to Clarence And I hold out a pie And I say Sit boy And he sits Because you're Directly communicating with him Uh Roll over Rolls over And I'm like Oh Good boy Give him the pie Thank you He eats the pie See And the When Clarence does all those moves The rest of the formation Like does them in sync Yeah Totally And I give them the rest of the pies Yeah They all gobbled them up Just incredible How much for all of them?

24,000 coins Yes My word That is a preposterous number You see this look on my face? Do you see preposterity? Upon my face? Chad's face? My Chad's face? Let me look something up real quick And she turns to an attendant Who has a bunch of sheets With stuff on it And we have about 20 of these guys, right? Oh no No We have like five Yeah We have about five of these guys, right?

Yeah It says 20 Oh my god I think I maybe Was being concussed Every two seconds On the way here It was like your vision was doubling Queen doubling It's like wow There's way fewer of them Than I remember Oh the imps must have been Must have got them He's holding a funeral For the lost That didn't die Yeah And she turns back From the attendant And says I couldn't possibly pay More than 1,500 coins You got yourself a deal Wow And then after that Tuck leans into Ving He like pulls him in close And he's like Is 1,500 more or less Than 24,000?

It's significantly less Fuck I don't know By quite a song Uh Very well Have them delivered To the Tree guard detachment Near the Trunk district Okay Gives you a little sheet Turn this in for your payment Job well done I think we Require A little Up front If we're gonna deliver them It's gonna cost us To bring them across town Five Gold coins each Should do the trick Less expensive Do you have dental? Somebody roll something To get a little up front What are you rolling?

Parley We'll deliver Five Pristine Amazing sugar gliders Later For a little Something right now Okay We've had a lot of people Offer us money Seven Okay Uh She says Alright Very well And she holds her hand out To the attendant behind her Who plops A bag of coins In her hand And Tosses you Thirty coins And uh Says But You know I've taken quite a shine To this one here And she sort of strokes Uh Clarence's head Says I think I'll take him now And Uh Tuck leans into Clarence And he's like Alright buddy She's gonna take you right now You gotta be brave But Everyone else will link up With you in a bit What?

I have to go by myself? It's okay I know it's very scary But don't worry We're all here And we're not gonna leave Without you What? And he's kinda like Shaking Aww Is there anything I can do To calm him? Uh I mean you could probably Use some fairy child stuff To relax him I could I have a Druid pipeweed Ooh Which is not marijuana Is it not? No I give him a hug Okay Can I roll plus charisma To give him a hug To make him feel brave?

Yeah totally 2d6 plus charisma For defy danger Ten Of course Uh And the Use my big brave point The guard Captain sees you hug The tree glider And goes Hm Quite unusual It's how they know That they're transferring owners And he's Like he's believed His own lie And he's He's crying It's like It's the only way To go I'm so sorry He has a Bad allergy To our Tree gliders Uh But this is how We trained them Was with love And kindness Which is why We're all crying Now that this one Is leaving Uh!

It's good that you've Given it a good base Of emotional response To its ownership Cause from here on out He's a military man I whisper to Clarence Don't listen to her Okay Just be a good boy We'll see you soon You're a wild one You're a wild one You're a wild one You're a wild one You're a wild one And she reaches back And the attendant Hands her A large collar That she Clanks around Clarence's neck Oh I wanna Punch her in the face With a rope Attached to it And she begins Leading him Through the Market We'll get We'll free all of them Billy don't worry Oh yeah I will give my life For Clarence Clarence is giving his life For us too He's doing his part So should we Deliver the rest of these guys And then go to the Where should we stay Oh yeah I gotta tell you We're gonna need Somewhere to eat too Yeah Actually Funny you should say that When I Ran into Wendy Oh we did too Yeah we saw Wendy Yeah she invited us To dinner At 8.30 tonight She did?

Yeah Oh she was inviting us To dinner Oh I thought she was saying She was going to dinner Yeah I was like That was rude She didn't even invite us It was ridiculous It was so rude Oh my god She probably It was probably code It was probably secret code Ranger code To say that we should Stay at the ranger She was being kind of weird About it And she wouldn't tell me What she was having What the menu looked like That's weird I thought that was weird That is weird Yeah Alright Well we have a plan For the evening Okay Okay Should we drop the rest Of the tree gliders off At the Yeah Yeah let's do that So you walk them Through town And you get a better look At sort of The immensity Of Heartwood Because we've talked About how like Elves Their population Is kind of stable At not as many As you would think Yeah But Heartwood Is still the densest Populated place In the city So after being In the forest For so long And in the north For so long You're like Wow There's so many People here Ving to you You can tell That there's like Been a bit of a shift In the culture Everything feels For lack of a better Word More Like human In a way Where that Comradery That unity The symbiosis That existed In the forest When you were younger Just doesn't feel Like it's quite as strong As it used to be Yeah these markets Were never this big Or busy Yeah there's like People on the streets Like sitting Against buildings Just looking dejected And people Obviously as wealthy As can be Walking right past them And there's like A prickliness To like A lot of the interactions Yeah It's less like Ah yeah I'm happy to provide This for you As you provide This for me And more like Fucking pay me Here's your shit I need mine I need mine Yeah Tuck is even noticing Like McCall is like A very like People dicker and stuff But there's like A friendliness to it Like It's an understanding Yeah where it's Sort of like New York Where it's like Hey we're all assholes But like We're all New Yorkers Isn't it kind of fun That we all suck a little bit Yeah But uh It's a waspy Kind of prickliness Yeah Where it's like There's no friendliness Or camaraderie to it People are afraid Yeah That's what it gets into Yeah And the uh The sun has begun To set On this day Becoming evening And the one thing That you're So glad still exists Is as the sun sets Um There's a Very light Creak creak Creak creak Like call in the air As these like Insects or something Start kind of calling To the sunset And all of these Glimmering lights Start to shine In the branches Of the heart tree So pretty Lighting the city Hmm For all Fireflies Fireflies Or maybe like There's like sap In the tree That is reflecting light Alongside These insects We're spouting lore Yeah I wanna Spout Lore Alright yeah let's do it These old bugs That's cool Nice Plus wisdom We got eight Eight So interesting But not useful Uh These are called Lamp flies Maybe I don't know Lamp Lamp something Lamp lighters Lamp lighter Yeah so these are called Lamp lighters They're an insect That is Almost only found In this part Of the forest And There are stories About like This is why elves Settled around The tree In the first Place Was on top Of it being A knowledge tree The light That the lamp Lighters provided Uh Felt like A location Of safety In this dangerous Part of the woods Zoologists think That they're like Related to the Bookworms Oh yeah Yeah Like the Are they like Sentient like Bookworms or something Probably a little bit Cause they were living In the They're living so close To the knowledge tree For so long right What if they're light Cause they Like to read And they Oh that's great Oh so they Oh they like to read Oh they like to read Oh they like to read Oh they like to read Oh they like to read Oh they light themselves up So they can read The bark of the knowledge tree Oh yeah That's really cute And maybe like They kind of bred The worms for the library From these guys Because they have like A natural skill set That's That they need Yeah Maybe over a longer Life cycle The worm is a Life stage of these guys Oh yeah Like a pupate stage Or whatever Yeah A worm stage Or it's like They never reach The lamp lighter stage Because they're Undergrounded in the Library and stuff Oh yeah They're so far away From the tree of knowledge Yeah We talked about In the almanac entry That we did for Bookworms That As far as anyone Actually no one in the Library knows where Bookworms came from Oh Just that they exist In the library And only in the library Yeah But that makes sense That maybe like A wizard bred them From Yeah Lamp lighters A long long time ago Or like they Came in on a shipment Of like Scrolls that came Oh I was thinking that too Like spiders In an arachnophobia It's like they live In the papers Yeah So there was maybe Eggs In the papers Yeah And then they like Naturally developed In the library They naturalized To the library environment Yeah They naturally had The ability to read So then the librarians Were like Oh shit We can use these For categorization I mean I think The first thing They probably said Is oh shit These bugs are reading They were like Oh we could use this Yeah Yeah cool So the The whole city Is lit With this like Warm glow But it is less It is lessened Than before Like it is dim And people clear The streets more I Yeah Cause the With the dimming Of the lamplighters There's like More shadows More gloom Than there was In ages past But uh You take your Tree gliders To Can I add one more thing Yeah It would be cute If like people in the city Called the time In the evening That they're Creating light As lamplight hour Yeah it's like A twilight kind of thing Yeah Yeah meet me up After lamplight Yeah I like that You better be in bed By lamplight Or The The!

Lamp man's Gonna get you Yeah lam man Um So yeah you take the tree gliders Through Town Lit by this Light from the lamplighters And Get a good look At the sort of Militia Or the tree guard Like detachment Oh yeah In uh Heartwood Which looks like It's been expanded on Like the original building Is part of the like Grown up through the roots Original construction Of heartwood But then it looks like There have been Buildings The ones that were like Taken down from the branches Like Attached to it To expand for More guards In the city You go There's a guy outside Waiting for the Tree gliders Just give him the rat Yep He hands you A bunch of money And takes the Tree gliders Hell yeah I hugged them all Uh huh Go through each Hugging Saluting Sir don't worry sir We will Do you proud Okay And don't worry We will come for you We await your signal Try and infiltrate The rest of the tree gliders Yeah Already done sir Already done wow He takes a bite Out of the stick That he's been carrying In his mouth Okay Right he's a detective now The rod at the heart Of the guard here Will lead me To the festering wound Of corruption In this city That's deep So cool I will be the scalpel That cuts it out Of the body So dumb Uh alright yeah And you get Uh Fifteen hundred coins Fifteen hundred and thirty Wait hold on Not fifteen hundred and thirty The thirty was from The fifteen hundred What?

Yeah you said up front Not extra No she said up front No deal We ripped up the red Yeah so you get Fourteen hundred and seventy Coins additional Yeah Yeah And uh I guess head off to The double tree Yeah And the double tree Is of course An inn Built in between Two trees Nice That were uh Grown from the roots And so lush That they have their own Branches and leaves Yeah It's a beautiful Flowing elven construction In between these two trees In the old style Yeah Yeah this is one of the Older buildings in the city There's a little Natural like uh Spring in front of it Yeah Beautiful Burbling up Yeah And Inside A very nice lobby Just like nice Wooden This is the nicest hotel I've ever seen Yeah We'll take this room Yeah We'll take it And the attendant Behind the counter goes Sir very funny But we have a number Of beautiful accommodations That would more than Suit you and your party Alright well Yeah we'd like to check in And uh We also have uh Dinner with a friend Of ours At eight thirty I believe we have Reservations Alright what's your name Chad Chad Chad Chad And Just Chad Also Chad Yes Too late I can't fix it We are the three Chads Yeah Tuck has forgotten his name So he's just like Also Chad My good man And he goes to like Nod at the guy And his ears brush the guy In the face When he nods He blows them out of the way And looks at his reservation sheet Oh I'm so sorry sir I have a Larry, Terry, and Chad But Three Chads I don't You must have used our Our maiden Our maiden names Our maiden names When we married We all took the first name Chad Well he's your Actually my two fathers And they named I'm named after them Yes Yes I understand We had a whole There was a more of a Naming ceremony Than it was a wedding ceremony Yes I understand To join us in union Chads I understand All elves I understand All of us are elves I understand Very good sirs Well We've got your It says here it's a double Are you just Are two of you sharing Are you I assume you're just sharing a bed Then We've got our dinner Lounge Off to this side So please feel free to Oh I'm so sorry There's just the matter Of your deposit And then Tuck puts A bag of Fifteen hundred coins On that Very good sir And he reaches in And takes a few coins Out of it How many you got there This is How much I like that Anytime Tuck does something With our money Billy's like No no no no Like he's just thinking About all the Like the ragamuffin Laws Where it's like You never show your money You never put all your Cards on the table And then also Interspersed between Those memories Are memories of Tuck Just wasting Hundreds of coins Yeah And then in his mind All of these like Eggs Benedict breakfasts That he could have bought With that money Like dance away From his mind Little tuxedo Eggs Benedict Yeah And the attendant Only takes out Like four coins Sweet Yeah Alright sir Enjoy your stay At the Double Tree Inn Thank you My name is Chad And I'll be here If you need anything Is it actually Chad Yeah it's Leth Chad Reander Enjoy dinner And he waves you Off to Which is What is basically Like a hotel bar We're gonna go To the hotel bar Yeah Oh so fancy There's a Elf woman Standing behind the bar Wiping glasses There's somebody Playing a piano And there's another elf Lying on the piano Yeah Singing a song Well laying on the elf Equivalent of a piano Which is a harp A harp Like on the top Laying on the top of the harp Yeah It's like a Yeah it's like a Wide-ish kind of harp Uh huh That squiggles around That's the fattest harp I've ever seen Tuxes And there's a There's an elf Laying on top Singing And it's just like Only you Just doing like A little crooning Yeah And you see Across the room In the cloak Still Hood down now With a Wendy Sitting at a table Wendy We came She closes her eyes You were Being secretive She waves you over Really aggressively We start walking over And bumping into A lot of tables and chairs Sorry pardon me Pardon me Excuse me That looks good What are you having?

Screw screw screw I'll have what he's having I know you didn't say I could bring them But like I I hope it's okay That I did And you sit down at the table And she leans forward A little bit And speaks Ving in this way That you remember Your dad speaking When you were younger This like special Ranger speaking technique Where it's Modulated So that it's just Loud enough for you to hear But basically Outside of this Thing It's almost impossible To listen to Do you Want to die?

Oh he gets Shivers Oh my god sorry I haven't heard That Do you have a death wish?

No no Then Then be Discreet Discreet Yes Discreet You came here On a mission Yes And we We have tried To explain to you The day That you Got lost In the forest In the forest In the forest In the forest In the forest In the forest And guess where we are now In the heart of the forest The heart of the forest Okay yeah Okay I'll be more discreet Put on sunglasses You're inside At night That is not discreet I have to say I have to say I've heard many stories About you And those That you travel with And I cannot Believe That the three of you Are responsible For the things That you're responsible for And have achieved The things That you have achieved And I cannot Well Then maybe You should trust In our methods This is how we are This is who we are We're gonna get it done She huffs out a sigh I suppose that's fair I'm sorry I do feel a little stupid About that restaurant thing You were being pretty Upfront and clear About that I thought so That's like Day one subterfuge Anyways You've made it Into the city Disguised Discreetly For the most part And now The only thing That remains Is to infiltrate The cloister And get you Get to the heart Of the tree And cure the corruption Within Uh There's like One matter That I'm curious about Did you bring Our weapons?

We kinda like Need those And she Cuts off a piece Of the like Meat that she's eating And very delicately Raises it to her mouth I did Nice And then Tuck Uh He does a very similar thing Where he cuts off a piece Of the meat That she's eating And then he Very delicately Raises it to his mouth But he takes it And he takes the lion's Chair of the meat And leaves a tiny piece there And then he's like Wonderful And she reaches for it And she cuts the last piece In half Kind of spreads them apart On the plate And pushes the plate Towards Ving and Billy Ving keeps eyes with Wendy And pushes his piece of meat Towards Billy's piece of meat We are about to enter A dangerous game La Ranga Vinga You would do well To listen to your compatriots Here and there And enter into The ancient pact Sharing of meat As you know On the eve of battle Is an important bond I take a little piece of meat That Billy's been chewing Out of his mouth Is that okay?

Oh yeah I didn't realize It was a symbolic thing Me neither Billy Can I use it okay I'll just have this Of course I taste Blueberry pie Then we are united In our goals Now I suppose That's all All that's left Is to rest And what is your plan Do you A plan to Infiltrate the cloister Socially I haven't had My appetizer yet Ah very well And she raises her hand And waves over a waiter And it's It's Chad again What can I do for you here Hi my name is Chad I'll be serving you tonight And he hands out some menus Here we take them Can I get you started With any drinks What is your specialty Our specialty is We call it The lamp lighter And it is Kind of a fermented Sweet Acidic soda Derived from The sap Of the lamp lighter fly Am I allowed that Is it Is it alcoholic Oh only the Mildest alcohol Does it have any cream in it No no cream It's actually sort of like It's like a carbonated It's kind of sweet And refreshing Yeah you can have that Billy Wait do you set it on fire at all No no no no Yeah you can have that Yes okay I'll have one Very good One lamp lighter I'll also have a lamp lighter Yeah that sounds good Two lamp lighters You know what I'll have a I'll have a lamp lighter too That sounds great Wonderful Three lamp lighters I'll have a lamp lighter as well Four lamp lighters it is Delightful I'll get right back with those And Oh okay bye Wait no what's Oh do you want to order some food now Yeah I'm ready Oh okay Can I have your roast beef and gravy please Yeah absolutely Can I have the whole roast beef I can see what I can do Yes Bing puts The Two coins on his little platter I'll see what I can do And he Swipes them off the thing Into his pocket And uh Tuck's like How many birds do you have Back there I'll tell you this much sir Not enough And then Tuck says Bring me all the birds Very good sir Very good And for you I'm good Very good I'll be right back Then uh Chad comes back with four glasses Sort of like a mojito glass Like kind of taller and thinner With this soda in it And it's kind of got a yellowish Orangist tinge to it And he puts it on the table And as he like taps them on the table They start to glow from the bottom up Cool As the lamp lighter sap illuminates Whoa Cool!

So cool! Uh we're quite proud of this one It's our signature beverage That's awesome And uh A few moments later He comes back with An entire roast beef And gravy And Probably Eight to twelve chickens Eight to twelve That's quite a spread Yeah This is a great start Who am I appetizing? And as you're eating Uh Wendy's drinking her drink And uh Asks So What is your plan?

To infiltrate the cloister Through the gardeners To the gardeners To sneak in In the night Full on Martial assault Yeah those are good plans I didn't think of any of those I mean sneaking through the night Is pretty fun I mean we do have the Gliders in there So uh You know when we give them the signal They'll hopefully be able to Break out Do you have any rangers On the inside of the stables?

Um Not yet But one of our agents Is working on it There are several rangers In the city As it stands And if If you'll give me Just a moment And she like reaches into this bag That she has She says So I have found One route In particular That I think will be quite And as she's like Unrolling this thing You hear from the other side Mummy Mummy I want a lamplighter Mummy Oh fuck Whatever you say Finn Galliard Finn You look over And Billy's Enemy Finn Walks into The dinner lounge At the double tree inn And that's where we're gonna end it For this week Oh shit Game master Sean O'Hara Joining me as always Playing Tacoma Dome The Barbarian of Dulaziz So long Playing Ving The Half-Elve Druid Paul Hoppers He's seen your fruit basket Playing Fat Billy The Halfling Thief Jessica Tai Do you think he's gonna recognize us?

I hope not Thank you to Aaron Reed For our intro and outro music You can find all of Aaron's Original music At aaronreed.bandcamp.com And all the music Produced for the show By Aaron And written by Abdul and myself At soundcloud.com Thank you to all of our Susporters Without whomst We could not do this show If you want to Support the show And get access to Bonus content Like a whole new campaign Set in the High Spear Mall Games run by Abdul and myself At the higher levels And a whole bunch more Check us out at Patreon.com Slash speltlore Or speltlore.com Slash money please And lastly And most of all Thank you to you For listening We'll see you next time And so ends the tale Of adventures three Who tried the best they can Though dumb and scared And lost they be For time and time again Time's abreast in revelry And though our journey May be like a conclusion We will not leave you Without a resolution Return next week To hear some more Whilst you commute Or do your chores And for you I'd like to say Gladly speltlore