Episode 6 – Hogpocalypse Sow

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P-a-t I'll start over it sounds like a fucking Alta Vista ad gather round friends let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold a brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old you know them by name you know them by deed their quests are famously daring so here I sit singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home he loves to sing and fight fingers have health, he shifts his shape and wields a spear with great might Billy's a thief his tiny size does max the largest heart best in bread They may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round, friends, and listen close For the tale's about to start Hello, everybody, and welcome to Spout…

Lore. Sorry. I'm your Game Master, Sean O'Hara. Joining me, as always, playing Tacoma Dome, the Barbarian, Abdulaziz. Hello, everybody. Playing Ving, the Half-Elf Druid, Paul Oppers. Hi. And playing Fat Billy, the Halfling Thief, Jessica Tai. Hello. When last we left our heroes, they arrived at the Everwood Valley, following Billy's request to aid the Halflings in what can only be described as a hogpocalypse. I think we said, yeah, we can go look at the pigs. Yeah, exactly.

Foreshadowing the dangers yet to come. We're so dismissive of it off the start. Yeah, it was mean. I took all your guys' conflicts seriously. Our grown-up conflicts? Yeah. Arriving at the valley, they looked down into the homeland of Fat Billy, the Halfling Thief, taking this opportunity to gather some information. That information was the valley itself is in vast disarray. Crops have been destroyed. Fields have been turned to mud. Farms are on the brink of devastation.

Hogs roam the land in ravenous hordes. Towns have been barricaded. Against the threat and against bandits and raiders, including Billy's former home, Lone Tree Hill, which we saw barricaded fully with a wall surrounding the village, draped in tabards bearing the sigil of a pumpkin. Apparently the iconography of a figure known as the Pumpkin King. Pumpkin King. The Pumpkin King. The Pumpkin King. The party discovered that, well, the party did a lot of presuming about the Pumpkin King.

It's called World War… Building. About his lost love in a member of the Dinghy family, the raft builders and runners of the Everwood Valley. The party decided to go to a nearby blueberry patch to gather some food for negotiation purposes and found henchmen of the Pumpkin King gathering as many blueberries as possible and destroying the bushes. A fight ensued during which Tuck clothed himself in the regalia of a figure.

The army of the Red-Haired Lord, which is basically just him covered in mud with his nose taped up onto his forehead. It looked like when the Saurmon was in his orc garden. Yeah, exactly. Like skins off people. It's really scary. Emerging from the sludge. Sorry, I just think that that's such a funny way to talk about Lord of the Rings. Remember when Saurmon was in his orc garden? Taking a stroll? Growing all his monsters? Yeah. Oh, just about ripe. Just pinching his cheeks. Almost ready.

With a bumper crop this year. Also, this is his voice. Yeah. This is the new Saurmon voice. I'm Saurmon. I'm Saurmon. Look out, Frodo. I'm coming for you. This is the Lord of the Rings that I did want to see. Hopefully this tree is just a tree. The party kidnapped Birdie and Birda. Well, held them. And then they were taken hostage in an attempt to gain passage into the Everwood Valley through the tightly controlled bridge. The single remaining bridge controlled by the Pumpkin King's forces.

They descended into the valley. The bridge crossing went fairly well. We discovered it was a shockingly strong bridge built by the halflings and aided by Fat Billy generations ago. Oh, yeah. In the form of a stump in the middle of the bridge that could not be moved. There's a woman. Turning it into a pure walking bridge. They crossed the waters, feeling the power of the Wittershins and the Sunwise as they did so.

The party crossed into the muddy expanses of the Everwood Valley, finding a land perhaps a touch larger than they thought from their observations high in the mountains. They found themselves journeying with Bertie and Berta on their way to Lone Tree Hill through a large muddy expanse that used to be a field dotted with scarecrows, halfling-sized scarecrows, as a horde of hogs emerged from the mud.

And the scarecrows came to life, jumping on the backs of the hogs and attempting to wrangle them as the party got drawn into this great conflict. How long do we think they were up on those scarecrows? What were the scarecrows for? This morning? Probably too long. They got to pee so bad. Yeah. Because you can't, the hogs can tell. Oh, they can smell? The hogs can tell. Oh, yeah.

If what preceded was the first 25 minutes of Saving Private Ryan explosions and screaming as the true threat of the hogs made itself clear. Shot for shot remake. Ving attempted to summon a muddy form using nature's call for a pig spirit and succeeded. Exceeded in drenching the entire battleground in a foot thick layer of mud, scattering the hogs as they reconvened for one final charge. And that is where we find our heroes now. What do you do? You're facing down the barrel of a hog horde.

Can I do war cry to try and fucking scare them away? Yeah, that's a great idea. Ten. Ten. Okay. So that means that you take plus one forward against them and your enemies feel fear and act accordingly. Avoiding you. Hiding. Hiding. Attacking with fear driven abandon. What do we think of those three is more likely with a group of pigs? I mean, I think they would attack. Oh, fuck. If there's like a group of them, I think Jessica's probably right. But that does mean that they're scattered.

Like they're not thinking. Well, they're pigs, so they're never thinking. Well, they're racist. They're very scattered. So right. I forgot about that. Yeah. It's a bunch of racist pigs. There's so many levels to this hogpocalypse. It's sociopolitical. It's cultural. So what is Tuck's war cry in this situation? Tuck uses Ving's world echo to talk directly to the pigs in their heads. Oh. And he goes, hogs, you racist fucks. Listen to me, a brown man. I have walked across the lands.

I have seen storms break men that were as tall as giants. And I have seen. I have seen giant empires shattered. And I will tell you that you might kill me today. But my legacy will live on. And yours will die here in the mud. And I fart. Great. That's the part the pigs love the most, actually. You hear all those pigs. They're yelling at each other. Because pig squealing is just them going. And they go, you heard him, boys. We'll kill him today. They come barreling towards you.

But you see the fear in their eyes. Yeah. As they charge this mighty horde of warriors. So now they are attacking with fear-driven abandon. So they're not coordinated. That charge that they put together is already breaking apart. Oh, yeah. Can I hack and slash? I found a pitchfork amongst the mud. Oh. Yeah. For once, it's not too big for me. Oh, yeah. It's halfling size. It's actually a fork. It's actually just a fork. Just a small fork. Just a normal pitchfork. All right. 2D. Six plus strength.

Nine. I will aid. Yes. Sorry. I was looking for the special die. It's okay, Bill. He doesn't know how to handle a weapon that is his size. He's still not used to it. Yeah. You're going at them like you're going to eat the pigs. Right. Yeah, like that. Like a sausage. Yes. Like you're jabbing a sausage. Like I am at the buffet. All you can eat breakfast. Here we go. This is all you can eat breakfast later. Husky. This conversation is happening at this speed while in the distance.

You see the mud getting kicked up like a shark is coursing through the waves. Yeah. All right. So roll 2D. Six plus bond. Four. Okay. Shit. So that's not so good. So you can still get a nine, which means that you roll your damage. Yeah. And they will also roll their damage. Okay. So I only got a two for damage. Two. Okay. I think it's like Ving is like, all right, Bill, you got to move the fork. It's got a point straight out.

So you do a pig charges right into you and you stab the pig and Ving is just like barreled over by another pig and you are carried away on the pig. Yeah. Oh, no. Yeah. I forgot how fat they are. It's just that it's fat. So you roll a D6. Two. Okay. So you take two damage. I think just from like hooves battering you. Well, I was holding it straight like and it kind of smacked me into the shoulder. Oh, yeah. Like the recoil from a gun. Just like, yeah. Bang.

It's like you got hit by like an ATV basically. Yeah. Pretty much. So winded. Yeah. Like Ving, you're standing there and Billy's next to you and then he's gone. And then Chuck sees Billy get carried away by a pig, like hit, like by a car basically. And then Chuck goes, Billy! No! I did the thing where you're like over explaining something to somebody who knows instinctively how to do the thing. Right. You know how to murder things. What was I doing? But you get fucking barreled over by a pig.

So you roll a D6. Oh, man. Two. Two. You get knocked over. You have a pig on top of you now. That's like smacking you with its hooves. Oh, my God. Snorting in your face. I don't have time to fight with honor, do I? Not from here, no. I'll defend. Okay. So that's plus constitution. Five. Holy shit. Oh, no. Paul's going through all the dice on the table trying to find the ones that work. It was a dark day at Ham-pocalypse.

I think the pig on top of you is like rearing up on its hind legs and like slamming down on you. And you're getting pushed further and further into the mud. I don't want to hurt you. Please. I don't want to hurt you. I understand. I think that racism comes from ignorance. And you could be better informed. I just don't like people. Slam, slam, slam. The mud is like, you know, starting to get in your ears. Eyes in your mouth. Oh, my God. My gills.

Tuck, you see Ving is being slammed into the mud over and over by a pig and Billy is riding one. Yeah. Kind of like everything goes into slow motion in Tuck's vision and it turns into black and white. And then I hear Ken Burns narrating over this. Okay. And the Ken Burns narration sounds like, it was a dark day in Ham-pocalypse. You hear like banjo music strumming. Yeah. Yeah. It's really roots. A nation torn asunder by a hammy threat. Where once idyllic civilization existed.

Now, furious pork as far as the eye could see. Brother against brother. Well, brother against pig, brother. And brother. It was against brother. All right. What do you do? And then you hear a PA come on and be like, Ken, it feels like you're kind of improvising part of this. You better get out of here. I brought this beer from home. You see that goddamn red light and it says on there, when I'm on the air, I'm on the guy. I'm Ken goddamn Burns. I was narrating 50 hour documentaries for you.

You're shit. You're getting in diapers. Okay. Okay. I'll get out of here. Yeah. You know it. You're the door. Anyways, these pigs were fucking huge, bro. Everything goes back to regular speed again. I imagine like, yeah, you're seeing Ving get slammed into the mud. Ving is like disappearing in this mud field. Billy is off in the distance, like holding onto a fork, getting whipped around like a little flag on a pickup truck. Just slamming into this.

Yeah, Tuck grabs one of the charging pigs by the ham, like on the back of its neck. And he goes, Ving, you're okay, right? And he rams the pig and goes after him like a motorcycle. He starts to kickstart the hog. He starts going after Billy. All right, you got to roll a Defy Dangerous Strike to get a hold of this pig. Five. Ten. All right. This one is six. So you grab the pig, you hop on, you kick its back leg down, and it starts going oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink.

It does the thing where, like, the back wheel skids out a little bit, and then it, like, takes off. It can't get purchased on the mud as it starts to run, and then, vroom, it's off. Yeah. This show's so fucking stupid. So now we're from Tuck's point of view. He's riding a pig. The wind blowing in his beard. He has the goggles from somewhere. You know how, like, the light cycles in Tron create, like, a vertical thing? That is happening, but it's the pig's fart that is… Just a fart cloud.

And you see the pig running off. It seems like this one has decided that getting stabbed was more than it was willing to take part in. Yeah. And is trying to get away. So I'm trying to control the pig to, like, catch up to Billy so I can attack the other pig. Okay, great. Billy, you see from your purchase holding on to the pig fork that you see Tuck riding up in the distance. He's trying to catch up to you. How do you help him align with this pig? Well, first, Billy says something. Oh, yeah.

I see what's going on now. Jessica started looking something up, like, three minutes ago. I definitely didn't Google war movie quotes. I believe you. Yeah. Yeah. I believe that. Yeah. Yeah. I did not do that. Billy yells to Tuck, what does it matter to me? I only have one life to lose. And then Billy steers with, like, puts his weight on the fork to steer the pig into, like, the direction of Tuck. Hell yeah. I got six. Okay. Shit. I can help. All right. How are you helping?

I just go, Billy, steer into me. I'm going to use a fairy child and turn a failed roll into a seven to nine. So Tuck still fails, but Billy does not fail. Yeah. I think the chase still continues. Like, Billy's got the pig sort of lined up in front of you, but your pig starts going like, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink. Oh, no. I'm running at a cat. It stopped farting. What do you do? Tuck goes, I'm running out of gas. No. Can I slam on the brakes with my pig? Oh, yeah.

You could definitely try. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to climb onto his back, pulling myself up by the hairs of his chinny chin chin. Wow. Wow. That's great. Amazing. And I'll use his ears to pull it back. Yeah. Okay. That sounds like a 2D6 plus. Strength? Okay. Seven. Seven. Okay. Yeah. You, like, yank on the ears, and the pig slows down a lot. Too fast. Oh, too fast. Yeah. And you, like, get thrown off? Yeah. We get rear-ended by Tuck and his pig. So can Tuck try and jump onto this other pig? Yeah.

Totally. Yeah. The thing that I'm imagining in my head is that Tuck wants to jump. He sees that Billy's trying to stop the pig, so he wants to jump over the pig and do, like, a flip in the air. Yeah. And then as I land, grab the tusks. Uh-huh. And then lift it over my head. Uh-huh. And then as it, like, goes in front of the setting sun, Tuck yells, Somebody draw this! And then he rock bottoms the pig. Okay. Cool. See, when you did the jump, I was, like, strength.

And then you said you were going to flip over the pig, and you talked me into dexterity. It's one of the sideways. Yeah, like a cartwheel flip. Yeah. Yeah. Like one of those gymnastics flips. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then you talked me back. Into strength with picking the pig up and rock bottoming it against the setting sun. So 2d6 plus strength. Okay. Eight. Eight. So you, yeah, you do that. The two pigs rear-end each other, and then everything slows down. You know, the pig's nose scrunches up.

The pig's butt scrunches up. The curly tail goes up his nose. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So uncomfortable. They kind of bow with the impact, which throws Tuck into the air. There's, like, a wave of badness. There's a ton of fat. Yeah, rippling fat. And they slam. The sound of broken glass for some reason. Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle. But the wave of fat, like, flicks Tuck up. Yeah. And he does a cartwheel through the air, slams into the ground.

Yeah, and it's like that scene from Wanted where the car is flipping over. Yeah. Where, like, Angelina Jolie and that guy make eye contact with each other, but that's what happened. That's Billy and me. Billy on the back of the pig going, whoa! Because Billy is thrown backwards by the inertia. Exactly. Yeah, that's the seven to nine, is that you also hurl Billy through the air. But at least I'm safe. But yeah, Tuck and I make beautiful eye contact as we spin opposite ways. Oh, no!

As the pig that you have hefted into the sky comes crashing down with the rock bottom, an explosion of mud. And the mud cascading against the orange of the setting sun. Oh, my God. Your motorcycle. Yeah, and your hog is destroyed. Not destroyed, but, you know, tired of this. It's on its side, and the legs are spinning. The legs are kicking a little bit. It's like the last gas is spilling out. Plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop. It's still farting.

I like that it also goes, plop. And then just gets up. Yeah. And we're like, oh, my God. And walks away. The pigs always just get up and walk away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I think it's interesting. The way that we've described this, it's almost like at some point there's like a spell that's broken on the pigs where they're like, oh, I'm done with this. Yeah, they just walk back to their homeland. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going back to the sty. This isn't worth it.

But, Billy, speaking of mud, time comes back. It flows normally as you slam into the mud like a little softball and are buried up to like your chin. It's okay. I'll do the halfling swim. What is that? It's when you read that move out. It doesn't exist. I made it up. World building. So it's the halfling swim is when every halfling is trained to swim in mud because of how often it floods here. Great. It's a powerful backstroke. Okay. Powerful backstroke. Two to six plus strength. Ten. Wow.

Jesus Christ. That's just my raw dice power. Whoa. Yeah. Billy starts backstroking really fast through the mud. Whoa. He looks like a little mud skipper. Like, his arms are going like they're blurring. They're going so fast. There's a rooster tail of mud following you. Yeah. He's like a little RC boat. Whoa. Yeah. See him ripping through the mud. Stroking so fast. Yeah. Well, cut back to Ving. Real quick. Cut away from that scene. You hear the editor go, oh, fuck. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving.

Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. It's Ken Burns going, what the fuck? Ving. Mud. Eyes. Mouth. Pig. Drowning. On top. Yeah. What do you do? I see Billy and- Yeah. Out of the- Through the mud, you see a little fish tail. It's just like, that's- Look at him go. So many- So quickly. Fast strokes. Look at them go. Look at them wow. Look at them wow. Look at them wow. Paul, you said you were hungover?

No, I'm doing good. Just going to have this over my head for no reason at all. Okay, so like- So Ken Burns is in the- Where is Ken right now? Ken's in a- Ken's in the booth. He's in a sound booth at the Audible headquarters. I can't believe you don't even have fucking parking here. I'm Ken goddamn Burns. I'm a buff, goddammit. Sir, we just got network notes.

It's weird that you're talking about this like- Quite small time podcast about like a fictional- A fictional thing that happened in this really small time podcast. Especially considering we're currently recording a documentary about the jazz age. It actually doesn't apply at all. And then he's like, you guys hear that? There's like a goddamn voice in my fucking head. Ken, you're wearing headphones. Ken, you're wearing headphones. Why is this room so small? Somebody get me out of here.

Just send the door to your room. Ken Burns just starts sundowning. Oh, he's stroking out. He's lost his mind. He's gonna run for Congress now. Vingas trying not to fight. Why was that the thing, Ving? Because it's funny. Thank you, Jessica. Because Trump and Biden are stroking out all the time. And that other guy that looks like Mac and me. The turtle guy. Yeah. Mitch McConnell. Yeah, he looks like a turtle. You- You have to have a mental disability to run the U.S. Government. That's so funny.

You have to. It's a requirement. Born on U.S. Soil. Born before World War II. You should have an opinions on talkies versus silent movies. Steep mental decline. I ran away from a train in the theater once. Oh my God, you're the president now. Vingas doing passive non-resistance. Because he knows who these pigs… This hatred is not towards me. I am not your enemy. And he's trying not to fight back for some reason. So you're trying to convince the pig to get off you. I'm just gonna fight him.

Ah, fuck it. This is why he's been taking it for so long. I was doing passive non-resistance, but now I'm doing active resistance. Yeah, I'm switching gears. I'm gonna fight with honor. So that's how you get your chance. Chi, are you trying to hit him? Yeah, I'm gonna take some hits while I garnish my chi. Okay, all right. That's very zen of you. I'm being very zen. What are you garnishing it with? Parsley. Really old kale. And orange slice for some reason. Delicious. 2d6 plus… Constitution.

Constitution. Nine. Nine. So you get… Can I aid him or am I too far away? Oh wait, I can aid from a distance. I can aid from a distance. I can aid from a distance. Because of luck of the fair folk. From a distance. All the energy that I'm building from the kinetic movements. Wait, what? What do you mean? Hold on. Yeah. Yeah, I'm swimming. So I'm building up all this static electricity. That's what's happening. In the what? Makes sense to me right now. I'm listening to it.

And it's like all that static electricity is like flown out through the mud and going to the closest living thing, which is Vang. Yeah. And supercharges his moves. Whoa, sick. I know. That's 11. Okay. Whoa. Yeah. Hell yeah. Something about being in the Everwood Valley makes Billy's… Yeah, that makes sense. Fairy powers. Oh yeah. We said it moves through the water and all this mud is water. Right. And there's also an underground cave system that… Full of magic water. Right.

So when Vang starts feeling this energy building up in him and he's garnishing his chi and then he just sinks further into the mud. Whoa. Whoa. And the pig's like, what the fuck? What the fuck? And the pig stops stopping. He's just like, huh? I swear I was trampling somebody just like a second ago. Dave, Dave, get over here. I won. There was a guy in there. I killed him. You saw that guy? He turned to mud. I turned him into mud. And then that pig goes, you're the king now.

You're the pig king now. You're the king of pigs. Don't tell Razortusk. Oh, yeah, Razortusk. Right, yeah, monster pig. Yeah. Okay, so yeah, wait, how does Ving? I don't know. Mechanically, what is the sinking in the mud? I really like that, that you just like disappear into the mud. It's so cool. An anime? Oh, break free from bonds or other confinement. Okay, great. There you go. The confinement was being smashed into the mud by this pig. Now you are in control.

So I seep into the mud and just come up on the other side of him. Yeah. Just emerge, like pop back up through the mud. And I say, looking for this. And then I turn him upside down. What was that? What does that mean? What is in this coffee? What does that even kind of mean? Because Ving knows that if you put a pig on the ridge of its back, it goes docile. Is that true? No. I mean, I like it. You could have said yes, and I would have believed you. I know, so close. You used to raise pigs.

You look like Dennis the Menace there. Yeah. So mischievous. No, Mr. Wilson. You were a pig farmer for a while. I would have believed you. Yeah, there's no way to calm a pig down. They're always mad. They are made of hatred. Oh, so sorry. With a seven to nine, you get two chi. Yeah, great. So that was one. Break free from bonds or other confinement. And then I will deal your damage to the sow within reach. Okay, great. Yeah, roll your damage. I got a two. Okay, cool. I got to sweep his legs.

Yeah, totally. Yeah, with a two, you're able to sweep his legs quite neatly. And he just goes, whoop. Upside down, lands in the mud. His legs are sticking up, and they're kind of kicking a little bit. He's going. Yeah. Just farting a little bit. Yeah, that pig is dealt with. Now we zoom out a little bit to the fight around us. The hogs that did not scatter completely have been more or less wrangled by the scarecrow halflings. They're now. Oh, right.

Birdie and Birda have been on Tuck's chest this whole time. Yep. They pop out like, oh, my God. Yeah, they pulled into the Bjorn and then emerge like turtles. Totally forgot about. Yeah, me too. You have a nice rag. I was going to say, they look like little two boobs popping out. Especially with the mud over each other. Just looks like you're in a busty corset. Yeah, a bit of a nip slip. Like Ving sees me against the settings. And he's like, who is that? Oh, my God. Shapes. Stop the press.

Who is that? Vev? Is that you? Oh, my God. He rubs the mud from his eyes. I love the smell of a Vev in the morning. Good morning, Vietnam. No, Apocalypse. Oh, wow. That's really good. That was quick. Complimenting you so much. Wow, I'm good at this. I was surprised by that one. That's why improv is fun, because it's fun for everyone. So the scarecrows are wrangling a bunch of the pigs. They've. Chased some of them off.

They've lashed some of them together that they're like, you know, there's a bunch of them standing around with ropes, like holding a big group of pigs that are yanking against their ropes. A rope on the end of a stick. You know that trick? Yeah, totally. Yeah. There's like three pigs left, and they're sort of trotting around the outside of the fight looking for an opening. The three of you come back together. Tuck, Billy, and Ving. Tuck is pretty far away, actually.

Okay, so Tuck's like jogging towards. Tuck's doing a thing where he's. He's like, he got really into like an anime headspace. Uh-huh. So he took Allison's scarf, and he like Chinese music started playing, and he put like the scarf around his head, and he tied it in a headband that had like a long train. Yeah. And then he took mud, and he like put it all over his face. So it's the Mulan montage. Yes. When she's getting like her sword. Totally. And everything. That winding string instrument. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. And he like, it's kind of like half Mulan, half Rambo first. Blood. Uh-huh. And then. Mulan first blood. Yeah, Mulan first blood. And then you see him walking in slow motion against the sun. And the wind is like whipping the scarf around. The scarf. Elegantly. Yeah. Beautiful. He's got a beautiful rack. And he's got a huge tits. And his loincloth is also blowing. Yeah. Oh my God. And he's thinking about Allison, and he releases a dove. Releases. Releases.

And a cherry blossoms like blow across the scene. Nice. And he pulls out two knives. Nine millimeters. Yeah. And runs in blazing. And this dude's got John Wood. But that's what it looks like. It's Tuck approaching the fight again. He's walking slow-mo from quite a distance away. Yeah. Bing hasn't been this like enamored in a while. He is like, oh my gee. Wow. So he's, Tuck will be of no help in the remaining. In the last moments of this fight. But the scarecrows are like, just get out.

Get out of here. If you're not going to help, you got to get out of here. What do you do? Billy says, I ain't got time to bleed. Holy shit. He grabs another pitchfork. There's a lot of them laying around. They're all over the place. Pulling them out of the mud. Yeah. And does what? Heaves it at a pig. That's kind of trotting by. Great. Volley. 2d6 plus dexterity. Nine. Okay. Nice. I'll aid. Yes. Okay. Yeah. Give a little two to wind. Hmm. I got six. Oh, I'll aid the aid, I guess.

You're too far away. But they can see how hot I look. That's true. I am inspired by the hotness. Yeah. I'm in full Miyazaki mode right now. How Ving helped. He was like, Billy, look at Tuck right now. And Billy looked somewhere else for a second. Then Ving was like, moved his head. He's like, no, look at Tuck. Okay. You see me silhouetted by the setting sun. Yeah. Another dove has been released. Oh my goodness. And then you see like in sort of like 50% opacity in the sky behind me. Yeah.

Allison. Oh my gosh. To indicate that that's what I'm thinking of. All right. Yeah. You've talked me into it. You've talked me into this aid. No, this is great. This is how this aid could work. Yeah. Ving saying, look at Tuck. And Billy looking somewhere else. And then Ving moving his head. And then Ving says to Billy, draw this, Billy. Draw this. I do. Yeah. I follow. I follow the curves of Tuck's body with the pitchfork. Drawing in the mud. Yeah. Oh, nice. Okay. 2d6 plus bond. Eight. Okay.

Which makes that a seven. Yeah. Which makes that a seven. Wow. No, this makes it a 10. Oh, it's a 10. It's a 10. Which means you just deal your damage. Nice. Deal your damage to a pig within sight. Two. Two. You can't. Playing for the lowest stakes right now. It's two damage everywhere. Every time you guys hit a pig, it's two damage. They have such thick skin. They do. And the little halfling pitchfork courses through the air, hits the pig, and it goes, wee, and runs off. Hits in the butt. Yeah.

And runs back to its homeland. Yeah. With a fork in it. Yeah. Nice. Stick a fork in me. I'm done. It's returning to tell stories to all its pig brethren of the fork that got lodged in its butt. There are still a couple of pigs. Oh, yeah. I'm going to try and take out two of them with a elemental form. Oh, okay. I'm going to do just like a little piggy, three stooges. I'm just going to try and get either side of their head and knock their heads together and knock them out.

So is this elemental mastery or elemental form? Elemental form. When you create a form for yourself from the elements, roll plus con. Yeah. So what body are you making for yourself? I think Ving's is going to use the magic water. And he's going to make two magic water snakes. You know, like he sticks his hands down in the mud and then the snakes. Oh, the water kind of like wiggles around your arms. Yeah. It raises up from the water. Oh. Strong chi. Yeah. Yeah.

It comes up from the mud and comes around his arms. Yeah, yeah. Like eels, snakes. Sick. And then. Yeah. 2d6 plus con. Eight. I get two hold. Yeah. So you can spend those two hold to deal your damage to the pigs? Yeah. So he has these two water snake whips, basically. So I just. Crackow. Yeah. And smash their heads together. Hell yeah. Great. I deal your damage to both of those pigs. Two. Two. And a two. Two. Two. Holy shit. Oh my god. This is the pig number. Yeah. Pig number.

All pigs have two hit points. So yeah. You just. The snakes lash out. The water snakes gripping onto the pigs and slamming them together. Yeah. Can the water make a cool like big huge wave? Yes. As it cracks together. Boom. Oh yeah. In front of the sun. Yeah. And Ving has put mud down his shirt and mud in the back. So he has this beautiful Jessica rabbit. Yeah. Silhouette. Looks like Nicki Minaj. Whoa. So what does Tuck see when he sees all the lumps on Ving?

And he's on the other side of the sun. So he's in full light. Oh okay. So it's like a spotlight on Ving. And Tuck's like whoa Ving does not look healthy right now. He looks like Ken Berners-Taylor. He looks crazy. Yeah. Like the lumps are too lumpy. Yeah. He's like. He sees like Ving like fire these like water snakes at the pig. Yeah. And he's like. He's like. He's like. He's like. You know water snakes at the two pigs. Yeah. And like slam them together. And he says. Parks Back on the menu boys.

And then he starts just smearing shit on himself. And Tuck's like. Oh whoa. You might have got a concussion in this fight. And then Ving is mistaken the concern on Tuck's face for like oooh. And he's like it's working. It's working. Look at the way he's looking at me. Oh my god. What is this feeling. What is happening. This is crazy. This is crazy. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know.

This is crazy Great The two remaining pigs have run off And the scarecrows have got the pigs lashed down They've like pulled the cords down To the point where the pigs are like Laying in the mud But are lashed to the ground basically So yeah the three of you are here Everybody's breathing Like panting Covered in mud And one of the halflings They're wearing like woven reed outfits Little tiny plaid shirts Stuffed with hay Like little raggedy hats And bandanas over their faces And one of them hops up on the pigs With a little pitchfork And goes state your business These were two The pigs and the scarecrows were two dangers That you both ran into at the same time Oh yeah We come with an offering Yeah Billy puts his hands up We come in peace And Birdie and Birda emerge Like arms legs and heads Right Popping out of the Bjorn And go hey don't negotiate with these rapscallions You're here to work for the pumpkin king That was our agreement And the scarecrow goes the pumpkin king No tyrant shall have control over these lands If you stand with the pumpkin king You stand against the crows What are the crows Tuck says He goes I smell gossip And he's rolling for gossip Can I roll for gossip Where's Belor Pearl and Morris have their ears The gals are gonna love this What is going on out there Can I use like a parlay You would have to offer them something Defy danger charisma I kind of want to just be charismatic at them Like you just want to ask them Yeah I just want to ask them Alright 2d6 plus charisma Jessica stop jiggling those M&M's in your hand Tuck goes brave warriors We have not paid fealty to any kings of this land And knowing the halflings The land itself is the only thing that deserves fealty And he releases another dove Where is he getting all these doves You gotta stop kidnapping doves And the doves are filthy And they are mad And behind him Ving plays a pan flute Tell us Who are the crows Tell us who are the crows And how are they related to Jack of the lantern and the diggies Billy's eating M&M's He's gonna re- Doing the backstroke took so many calories out of him Billy just finished a huge fight He doesn't want to do the talking He wants to do the talking He wants to eat his candy Mayhaps the crows deserve our fealty right now Thirteenth Okay that's pretty high The scarecrow in front of you like lowers his pitchfork But not all the way Just so it's not pointed directly at your jugular So it's pointed at my dick and balls Yeah Tuck calls his jugular He says The crows are the only true proponents of freedom in these lands The crows are the only true proponents of freedom in these lands We fight for the common halfling We fight to free the communities of the Everwood Valley From the tyranny of the Pumpkin King So we're on the same side And Birdie goes No you're not You said you were on our side That was the deal They start like kicking out of the Bjorn And they're like If you side with them You are enemies of the Pumpkin King Oh no Let us out Close the Bjorn Trap them Tuck wants to be the one to go out there Very quickly cinch up the Bjorn It's really tight So they can't get out 2d6 plus strength Ted They start kicking out And the Bjorn gets cinched around them They get smashed together They're like God hand us No You get us audience with the Pumpkin King And only then will we let you free And if you betray us I'll fucking eat you Billy's just gonna tell lies Oh You think there's only one of me?

No There are several And they didn't do what Tuck wanted So what do you think happened? Oh Yeah we had a bunch of halfling Yeah Children Before Tuck's not totally a part of it And I And I Ate them Yeah I ate I ate them The crows are backing up Yeah so I mean we're kind of at a We're in a tense impasse here Yeah What do you do? Should we Should we talk Do a huddle? Do a huddle? Yeah we can huddle up Yeah let's huddle up Let's huddle up Should we figure out what we want?

So do you guys go Just a sec Yeah just a sec We're just trying to figure something out Okay we're like at a Actual crossroads here Yeah but it feels like the crows are trying to like Save the Everwood Valley Yeah so I'm on their side I'm also on the crow's side How do we let them know that we Are on their side But we need to We need to Not Tip our hat That we're gonna go in and spy on the Pumpkin King Well you can just tell them that we're gonna go spy on the Pumpkin King Oh yeah they might like that Yeah But we can't let Birdie and Birda Birda know that Well I feel like Birdie and Birda are just our hostages now Yeah that's true Yeah Yeah So we'll just threaten to kill them If they Don't If they Want to betray us We're kind of In Doug's like I'm gonna go out on a limb here And say that In the relationship Between us And the And Birdie and Birda We have the upper hand Also we could blackmail them Yeah Cause they ate all those blueberries Which is against the rules with the Pumpkin King Yeah Also they're brother and sister And we could say that we saw them fucking Which isn't against a rule Hard rule for the Pumpkin King But it is frowned upon It is very frowned upon Very frowned upon You hear Birdie and Birda going Birdie and Birda are in the huddle Yeah Oh I forgot Against their will Ew So yeah I think he's like Get away from each other Yeah exactly No So yeah We side with the crows We side with the crows Okay break We come back Yeah we look really cool Like we swagger towards the crows Yeah And Finn goes Ah Ah And Billy flaps his wings Ah Ah And Tuck pulls out Another A dove that's a crow Yeah Out of the Bjorn This thing is full of people and birds Is it like the water bottle pockets?

Yeah He had a bunch of birds Like a bandolier of birds Yeah And he releases a dove Wow Incredible So What say ye? We side with the crows that fight for the halfling lands How do we fight? How do I know you speak the truth And will not betray our cause? Finn calls a crow over And gets it to speak on our behalf Okay Can I do that? Yeah absolutely I'd say Parley with a crow?

Defy danger charisma probably To get one to come to you Six I will help With your M&M's Yeah so Billy starts Throwing the M&M's in the air Eight Okay so seven to nine Thank you for sacrificing your life This is a huge sacrifice Billy's silently crying But he knows it's for the greater good Yeah Can the seven to nine be That when the crow comes to land It eviscerates one of the doves that Oh shit Like duck released It catches it It kills it But they don't They're not hunters They're scavengers Yeah but this one's killing for sport This one's a hunter Not even hunting So it just lands and it's draped in blood and feathers Yeah what's good?

It's going on It's just looking at all of you What's up? What do you need? Hey it's me Ving And he recognizes my face Oh yeah I've heard of you You're the spirit walker That's right I just want you to speak I just killed that dove Oh and it was great I was hoping we didn't have to talk about it Oh boy have you ever killed a dove before?

I have by accident Oh it's nothing like it Ending something that is truly beautiful and innocent For no other reason than just to end it You have a little something just there Oh I know Don't tell the other crows I did this We can hear this conversation Oh yeah everybody can hear this crow talking Yeah what are they doing?

They're just looking at the crow They're just looking at the crow They can We hear it We hear it speak We hear this bird's words Yes if you side with the crows When we are with you You will hear all the crows Okay Okay Okay Okay Okay Okay Okay Okay You can get them to be on your side And they huddle together Billy's nodding sagely You will have the power of Not only the earth But of the sky And you can see what they do To doves It's pretty fucked up And Tuck doesn't say anything Because he's crying You suggested this don't put this on me And Tuck goes Why would you do that Sean?

Why? Why would you do that to the thing I created in the world? You fucking piece of shit. You took Allison away from me, and you took Black Spire away from me. And now Darren? You're now my best friend, the dove. And now he's crying because I called the dove his best friend. I thought that you and I were best friends. Sean, look what you did to us. And Billy's crying because he's like, I think my parents are fighting with me to get a divorce. And then I'll be an orphan.

That's what happens when parents get divorced. The kid becomes an orphan. Evenings and weekends and sometimes holidays. And the crows convene for a while. But the pigs. Who are also here. Right. Start talking. What do they say? Don't listen to them. Don't listen. They're lying to you. They're just trying to sow discord. But they seem shocked for a moment that they can hear the pigs. And they go, silence, swine. Wait, the pigs are trying to sow discord between who? The halflings.

Between each other. You and the halflings. Okay. Because this is the enemy is the hogs. And also all of the animals here can talk. What else are they sowing? Are they basically like Heath Ledger's Joker? Like they're just in pure chaos? Pretty much. Pretty much. It would seem. They're sowing discord. Wow. Sorry. Spelled the same way. I'm never sure how to pronounce it. The crows turn back to you. So you offer us the power of the crows? The crows are their own.

But I offer you their wing and friendship. And you will help us in our fight against the pumpkin king? Yes. Can you aid us? In our quest to dismantle the pumpkin king? From within. And get rid of the hogs. And restore the land. And inspect their former glory. Yes. Yes. We can offer you this. We can offer you our aid. And you offer us your aid. And together we will aid each other. What do you know of the pumpkin king's fortress? The Lone Tree Hill? A village of previous idyllic beauty.

Barricaded and turned into a citadel. Of gourds. He's gorgeous. He's gorgeous. Oh. Sorry, it's been a long day of fighting hogs. I was up on that pole for like 15 hours. I got heat stroke up there. I have to pee so bad. I actually think I might have already started. There's no way to tell after holding it for this long. The hogs start becoming more active. They smell it. They're like, we must get to it. Piss, piss, piss. I want to drink that piss. I'm so racist. I want to drink the piss.

Man, racists are weird. All racists. And one of the hogs go, all racist people. I love drinking piss. They call themselves people. I love it. If you disagree, that means you're a racist. Yeah, you're trapped now, piss drinker. I would check that bubbly. It's full of piss. Do you remember when that study came out that said like mints had like a hundred different kinds of piss on them? Mints? Yeah, mints. Like after dinner mints? A hundred different kinds of piss? Yeah.

Like a bowl of mints that were covered in everyone's piss. Oh. Mints. I thought like once you unwrap, like out of the factory, it has piss. I think out of the factory it has piss. No, don't say that. Okay. No, but like. How? How is there that much piss on? Just from people touching it. Okay. In the factory with all the gloves and stuff? Yeah, I think like the factory is like covered in piss. Abdul. Don't lie to me. I'm not. This is a thing I heard. Are you serious? I heard it in 2008.

I heard it in 2008. I heard it in 2008. I heard it in 2008. I heard it in 2008. I heard it in 2012. So it must be true. Everything that was said in 2012 came true. What? Oh, it's true. What is it? Studies showed high concentrations of urine and fecal matter on materials such as mints and candies, bowls of unwrapped snacks at like restaurants. Well, duh. Okay. Yeah. So shit that's wrapped in plastic is probably not going to be covered in piss. But if you're grabbing like a loose.

Plastic is definitely covered in piss. Hey, here's the thing. I'm still eating those candies. Wow. I'm not eating those. I'm eating the uncovered ones. Oh my God. Sean is a racist. Oh, no. No. He loves drinking piss. That's not what I mean. That's not what I mean. He just admitted it. I just love having a healthy immune system, which sometimes means consuming a little bit of piss. Oh my God. He admitted it. Oh my God. Trump, what's that under your hair? And then it's a MAGA hat? What?

Trump, you call him Trump? Pull back your bangs, Sean. Let's see what you got hiding. Oh, he's wearing a can helmet with cancer. Oh, my God. That's piss. We're all fighting against so much individually right now. Okay. So the crows have, at least this group, have acknowledged that they will accept your aid if you so choose to help them. Come join us at the roost. No, wait. That's too crow-like. They're called the crows because of the scarecrow outfits. I feel like they lean into it, though.

Yeah, they do. Yeah. But I mean, would they be more scarecrow-y or more crow-like? More crow-y. Crow-y. So the roost. It's kind of a mishmash thing. I think they had to put this aesthetic together pretty quick. They did. Yeah. They had like two days to set everything up. Yeah. Right. And shoddy their zones. It's only been like a week and a half that the pumpkin came. It's this guy's thing. Yeah. Right. And his buddy's like, it's just the HQ. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Join us at the roost, if you so choose. We do. Very well. Another dove falls from the sky. Falls from the sky. Dead. Dead. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. I didn't even get that one. That one just died of old age. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Natural causes. You hate to see it. Tuck's crying again. Oh, my God. Mitch. Okay. So from here. Okay. We have hostages now of the pumpkin king. Yeah. Are we taking them? I guess we have to take them to the roost. We do. I cinch it up even tighter. All right.

You're not going anywhere, you little weirdos. And we're going to make sure you get out of here. You guys stop fucking each other. No. Why are you doing this? Just shoehorning this. Just trying to gaslight them into thinking they have sex with each other. We didn't. Did we? We didn't do it. Huh? But he's saying it so much. We got to try to stop these guys from fucking each other. Wait, what? Can I suggest something? Yes, please. Please. Okay. So their roost is… Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Because they're deep in the valley, they live in little shacks on stilts. So cool. Yeah. Cool. Yeah. And so their barricade is just a bunch of sticks built up like a tall fence, a tall fence around their roost zone. So it looks like a big nest. Oh, yeah. I like that. Like the sticks kind of are poking out and they're sharpened. Cool. A hot sharpened stick. So cool. That's great.

They've carved turnips to look like skulls that they've stuck on the sticks. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And they're like the bot, like they have the skull turnip head, but then they did put like scarecrow bodies on them. So it's like all these freaky scarecrows. Oh, that's so cool. Yeah. And it's the nest itself is big enough that it houses an entire community inside of it. Yeah. It's like a little hamlet inside. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you like, you know, you approach this fortified nest structure and the halfling that was leading you here. You know, you traveled for a while through like an hour, but in the same way that you felt. When you cross the river, the distance feels very unusual. Yeah. And it's like, you get there and you're like way more tired than you'd expect to be after only walking for an hour. And eating through magical water mud. Yeah. It just changes things.

It feels like we should be able to see the river, like the sunrise and the winter shins at all times, but we can't. Oh, it's over the horizon now for some reason. Yeah. Uh, and you get to like the gate and the guy goes like, and then click, click, click, click, click, click, click. And the little gate is opened, but like tuck and Ving, you could step over this fence if you really wanted to. Yeah. You stoop to go under. I stoop to like bow to the. Yeah, of course. Yeah. You're playing along.

Duck does the same thing. Yeah. You walk into this community and it's very like, it feels like an old West town. Like there's people like walking, you know, like they're, they're riding chickens like through the, through the roads. Nice. There's another, there's a blacksmith like clock, but he's just working on like a scarecrow. So he's just hitting. Nice. Like a shirt full of hay with a hammer. Kids go by with a stick and a wheel, but the wheel is a tumbleweed, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Totally.

Everybody give me one more detail from this roost. I want to know what this place is like. There's a saloon with a miniature horses parked there. Oh. Drink out of a trough. Yeah. You hear that carousing and piano playing and the doors are swinging. Somebody comes flying out in a fisticuff. Oh, very rough and tumble. Just thrown out in the mud. Yeah. Yeah. And everything's because everything's lifted off the ground. Like you, everyone has to climb these ladders. To get up to places. Oh yeah.

It's just these drunken people who can't like get up and down the ladder. Yeah. And there's walkways between everything. Oh cool. Like it's almost, once we're inside of it, the like quote unquote nest structure outside is actually like kind of a huge wall around the whole of the Hamlet. And then it's like sort of a lot of crisscross. You guys are like, Tuck and Vinger like ducking ladders and bridges, like rope bridges. Yeah. It's sort of like the sticks, but smaller. Yeah. Kind of.

You walked villagey. Yeah. Yeah. They have dried vegetables hanging from the stilts, like from the woodwork that builds the stilts. And there's actually like some crows that are like also nesting on the rooftops. Oh yeah. They nest on the rooftops. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. Yeah. And the scarecrow that walked you in here, it takes you past this saloon and you hear some real like honky tonk ass, like peony music coming out of the windows with a lot of like, oh, you're cheating at cards. Like that.

Kind of shit. And then the scarecrow goes, oh, this is perfect. Here now comes our leader. And he like gestures towards the double doors as they flap open and out walks a little old halfling with a handlebar mustache and long white hair. And a big mug of cream. And a big mug of cream. And he goes, wild bill. He lives. And that's where we're going to end it for this week. I'm your game master, Sean O'Hara. Joining me as always playing Tacoma. Dome, the barbarian, Abdul Aziz.

Another dove falls into his mug of cream. All right. For Christ's sakes. Being the half elf druid, Paul Hoppers. Take care. Playing fat Billy, the halfling thief, Jessica tie. It's Bill. Thank you to Aaron Reed for our intro and outro music. He would recognize you, right? Oh, probably. Thank you to Aaron Charles Reed for our intro and outro music. You can find the music of Aaron Charles Reed under the name Aaron Charles Reed at Aaron Reed dot band camp.

Dot com and all of the music that Aaron has produced for the show at SoundCloud dot com. Thank you to all of our supporters around the world for supporting the show in a myriad of ways, primarily money, but also love and support. Yeah. Yeah. That's an amazing fan art. Incredible fan art. Yeah. Like music. Fan songs. It's just. Yeah. You know what? We have a spell or community discord. Yeah. Which you can find the link to just about everywhere. You can find it in the show descriptions.

You can find it at our Twitter. We'd really love for you to come by and hang out. It's a really fun place. And finally, and most of all, thank you to all of you for listening. We'll see you next time. And so ends the tale of adventures three who tried the best they can. Though dumb and scared and lost they be for times of rest in revelry. And though our journey may be long. We will not leave you without a resolution. Return next week to hear some more whilst you commute or do your chores.

And for you I gladly spell dawn.