Episode 5 – A Bay of Pigs

Hey, Tuck here telling you to donate to speltlore.com slash money please or patreon.com slash speltmore for more of this I'm doing an act out but you can't see it below the table show me your hands right now no, I'm still doing it show me your hands right now no, why?

Because I'm masturbating Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes, noble and bold a brute, a druid and a thief who is but nine years old you know them by name, you know them by deed their quests are famously daring so here I sit singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home he loves to sing and fight fingers have health, he shifts his shape and wields a spear with great might Billy's a thief his tiny size does mask the largest heart best and brightest they may not be but their friendship outweighs their smarts so gather round friends and listen close for the tale's about to start hello everybody and welcome to Spout Lore I'm your game master Sean O'Hara and joining me as always playing Tacoma Dome the Barbarian Abdulaziz Tuck here coming at you live from fuckapalooza the only festival where you fuck playing Ving the half elf druid Paul Hoppers hi this is me at home in the basement I was not invited to fuckapalooza they said the car was full I saw them leave on a bus sorry Ving the car's full you can't come to fuckapalooza but those are train tickets I said I'm just imagining him standing on the curb watching the bus pull away going oh man I wanted to go to fuckapalooza I do playing fat belly the halfling thief Jessica Tai I bought tickets to the wrong festival I thought you were going to a tea festival you going to fudgeapalooza yeah I thought I was going to fudgeapalooza I had my fudge outfit on what's a fudge outfit you were getting all the wrong people wrong attention are you dressed as fudge or dressed to eat fudge just I mean both because you have to be so you wear your brownest outfit and let's stretch you not because your tummy expands because you have to go to the bathroom really fast yeah you don't want to deal with hanging buttons and zippers dude that brown mom over there she said that her clothes are for easy access and Billy's like same fuck that lady enjoy fudgeapalooza enjoy fudgeapalooza lady fudgeapalooza what's fudgeapalooza he's just being polite uh oh when last we left our heroes they traveled upon the back of Gale the mighty thunderbird to their destination the city of Highspear to drop off their companions the wizards Morris and Perel at the base of said Highspear while in route they!

Took the secret thunderbird paths using their superior navigation skills and mastery over flight to course between the winds and the storm clouds while traveling Vang I believe with his superior elf like vision spotted in the clouds a great shape that resolved itself to be an elemental thunderbird with a bezoar made of roiling black cloud which Gale announced to be an extension of Thronebreaker's will in the storm itself to its to its own!

Exchange for becoming desperately, hopelessly lost within the mountains. Alighting on a cliffside plateau, Billy told everybody that he actually recognized the area and that they were a day or two's travel away from the Everwood Valley itself. Gail, shaken to her very core by the attack of the elemental Thunderbirds, announced that it was no longer safe for them to travel with her because if something were to happen to the three of you, then all would be lost. All our patrons would be lost.

And all of our Patreon dollars would be lost. You can't afford the supporters. So Gail left you and you made a plan to travel on foot. First to the Everwood Valley, down the Wittershins and the Sunwise to an unnamed river that goes through the mountain ranges to Highspear. Then making camp, Ving communed with the stars.

Using his move night moves to watch the movements of the celestial bodies and to determine a safe route, safe from the prying eyes of the gibbous man through a winding marsh valley through the mountains, crisscrossed with ancient stone tunnels. And also the domain of mother never was. Billy spoke with an old friend, a fairy named Stumpy. So called because he's a stump. He lives in a stump. He lives in a stump. And Stumpy told Billy that the things in the Everwood Valley were not looking great.

The floods that we've heard about, I think since like season six. Yeah. Season four took a great toll on the crops of the Everwood Valley. And then following the floods came the hogs. Hogs. The hogs from the hog lands swept into the valley. And now after the week's months of bitter fighting against the hogs, roving bands of pigs remain. Mm hmm. And the party has resolved. To go and aid the halflings however they can. Making for Lone Tree Hill. Resolved is maybe a strong word.

We casually agreed to stop on the way. Yeah. Because Billy seemed really worried about a bunch of pigs. It's a drive through. Yeah. Exactly. We're just like, yeah, dude. Yeah. It's. Yeah. Go look at the pigs if you want. Yeah. We can go look at them. I have to tell you guys, it's not a petting zoo. It's a pig. And that is where we find the party. Now, I think walking and this is the conversation that's going on. It's like, yeah, whatever. It's like pigs. It's fine. Whatever you guys will see.

And then, and then you won't be so brave. Like you'll be like, oh no, Billy help us. And I'll be like, oh, sorry. I thought it was just a bunch of pigs. And as this conversation comes to an end, I think you'd come out of the Hills. Yeah. I think we're, we, we reached the eponymous Everwood Valley. Yeah. Which stretches out before us. The sun is up.

The clouds are gray, but there's some blue sky sneaking through and we see a large, like off into the horizon, like mountains on the far edge, but we are in a large mountain valley, a glittering river courses down one side in front of you, coursing to the south and far to the south. You see it bend around and course back up to the north. That's the Sunwise and the Wittershins. That is the Sunwise. And the Wittershins, Billy, a very familiar sight. I made that.

And that is actually, we are like, it's Tuck has heard of the Sunwise and the Wittershins, and he was sort of aware that Billy was like involved in making it, but it's like crazy to watch. Yeah. Like it's a river that courses in the wrong direction. It does not make sense when you look at it. It's like looking at an MC Escher painting in real life. I think. Mobius strip, but water. Yeah.

I think the side that you're on is the one that makes sense because it feels like it's going away from the mountains, but then yeah, farther to the east, you can see it moving towards the mountains and you're like, what the fuck? Bing's heard about it, but only through Billy and stuff like he's heard of them. And he pictured like you knitting these tiny little streams sitting on a creek's edge. He's like, oh my God. It's huge. It's like the width of Niagara fall. Isn't it? Yeah. Oh yeah.

So right. We're on, we're like at a higher elevation. We're not quite out of the hills. We're looking down into the valley. I imagine we came out like it, like there's a mountain path and we came out and you see like the entirety of the valley in front of you. Yeah. Yeah. And so, yeah. So to the south, I forgot the namesake of the valley.

The river rushes down to the south into a forest, not quite great forest in scale, but it looks like, you know, there's like primordial forests that they have in like some parts of England where like the trees aren't big, but they're fucking old. Yeah. Yeah. It's a better vibe, like a shorter sort of oak and beach and you forest, but yeah, ancient trees. If you were being chased by bandits, you would be like, you'd stop and look at the bandits and look at the forest and be like, okay.

And you run in and they would not chase you. I'm not going in there. Exactly. That there's monsters in them woods. Yeah. That was a bunch of stories. And then a guy goes in and he's clutching his spear and he's shaken looking in the trees. Yeah. We're watching happen in the distance. There's a bunch of bandits down there. Yeah. So that's what we see. I mean, we can see the whole valley laid out before us. So we see halfling villages dotting the landscape.

If I remember, I mean, Jessica, you can help fill some of this in. Oh, sure. Yeah. They never get that big, right? Halfling villages? No, no, no. They're very small. But like close together, you know, you could easily visit each other. Yeah. Are they like kind of like close to the river sort of thing? Or are there like also settlements inland as well? Yeah, they're everywhere. Like inland, near the river. There's even some kind of like on the eastern side that encroach on the mountain.

But that's like the hardiest. Those are the badass halflings. Well, because they're closest to the hog lands. Yeah. But they also have like killer thigh muscles and quads and stuff. They look like squirrels. Like squirrels. Oh, right. And we talked about how like the halflings, they're sort of on top of just riding the river around. They've like taken advantage of the flow and they create like channels and stuff like that, right? So yeah, there's different like channels that cut through. Sick.

There's like little draw bridges and like the boats will regularly circle around the river. I imagine that there's some automation to it because of how predictable the river flow is. So they like put a box, a crate on there. Oh, yeah. And you end up over there. You don't have to worry about it. Yeah. There's like no river ferry, like ferrymen that like go. Down the river. You just hop on a boat that's passing by. Yeah. That's great. Like Frogger. Yeah. Yeah.

So considering the current state, the floods and the hogs, what do we see as being like the current state of the Everwood Valley? Do we see lots of boats? Do we see people? Or is it like you see like a swarm of hogs in the far distance, like milling about in a field? I mean, the thing with the hogs is that they root up the ground. So you would see a lot of rooting destroyed. Totally. Farmer's fields. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of it is super muddy and gross. Yeah.

Like it's not very green like it usually would be. There's small trees and bushes that have been uprooted. Smashed box and boat flotsamajetsamal. Yeah. Like clumps of smashed wood floating in the widdershins. Yeah. Yeah. It's a scene of destruction kind of, but also cute because it's all really little. There's a lot of the boats slash wagons have been repurposed for now to create barricades around things that they're trying to keep safe. Yeah. Oh, I like that.

Is there a Walking Dead vibe where there is like- Yeah. There's like- There's like makeshift- Like walls around. Walls and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Great. So we're going into an actual hogpocalypse. It's a hogpocalypse. Yeah. And Billy's like seen it before. He's like, yeah, you know, when it gets bad- This happens. This is what they turn into. Yeah. They are, they look like the people from The Walking Dead where they're like, some of them, we can see in the distance. Some of them have like- Yeah.

Yeah. Like little samurai swords. Yeah. The one person has a bow. But you can see even from this great distance away, the Everwood is untouched. What is the Everwood? Oh, it's the- The forest. The primordial forest. Yeah.

The forest at the southern base of the valley where the Wittershins and the Sunwise do pass through the Everwood on their way back north, which I guess that would probably be considered the quote unquote separation point where it's like, this is the Sunwise, this is the Wittershins. Right. Where it turns back north. Yeah. Can I ask one more question? Yeah. I just want to know if the barricaded town is Lone Tree Hill. They're all barricaded in some way. Every town is like- Yeah.

Or some of them, maybe one of them's destroyed. It's like, it goes like not barricaded, destroyed, not barricaded, destroyed, barricaded. Like the hogs came from a distance, so you can see kind of where they washed in from. Yeah. Yeah. I think relative to halflings, but also the taller folks, I think you've got a little bit of a walk before you get to Lone Tree Hill. Yeah. Okay. That makes sense. Lone Tree Hill is kind of in the north part of it. Yeah.

It's like a flat valley and it's just like actually like this little tiny bump. It's literally a small hill. Yeah. With a tree on it. It makes sense it's north because it's not close to the Everwood, so it's strange that there's a tree on a hill. Yeah. Yeah. I'm trying to get a sense of how big the area within the Sunwise and the Wittershins is. Is it the size of- It's like Langford. It's all of Langford. Right. So it's like if you were a halfling, it's huge.

For a halfling, it's the size of all of Vancouver Island. Yeah. Yeah. So it would take you maybe two hours to walk across- To walk across the whole thing. Okay. I've got to change the scale in my head. I do love the idea that the camera sees the valley and it's this like rolling, like destroyed, massive place and then you guys step into frame and it's like a mini golf course. Oh God. Yeah. Yeah. But I like that. It takes like three or four hours to walk across the whole valleys.

Does that make sense or should I pick a different- It does. Okay. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. Do we see some pigs? I think you do. Discern realities. Yeah, let's discern realities. 2D6 plus wisdom. Nice, I got 11. Holy shit. Three questions. What should I be on the lookout for?

I think if you squint, you can see groups of pigs walking around, but not a massive horde. I like that a lot are just sleeping in the mud, though. Yeah. Okay, yeah, totally. So there's like mud covered pigs that you can't even see. And the farmers are just like so steamed about it. They're just like, get on my lawn. Get out of here. Okay, so I think that actually is the answer. Is you do see groups of pigs walking around and you're like, oh yeah, there they are.

But then you're looking at a nearer field that's just churned mud. And you're like, oh man, just an empty field. And then a dozen pigs like get up from the mud. And you're like, oh fuck, I didn't see those things at all until they started moving. So something to keep an eye out for is the fact that these pigs could be anywhere. Okay. I was thinking that we all could pick one because we're all looking out over the valley. Okay. Do we like that? They're like landmines. Land swans. Land swans.

Oh, like crocodile or alligators hiding in the swamp. Right. Yeah, you think it's a log and then you're like, wait a second, that's a massive crocodile. That's a big fat pig. Okay. I want to ask what here is useful or valuable to me. What here is useful or valuable? I have an idea. Yeah. There's like a zip line sort of thing with like a bucket. Oh. Like a gondola thing? Yeah. You know, like you could fit a halfling in the bucket or like some food.

Oh, maybe it goes up to like a mountain blueberry patch. Yeah. Yeah. Send down blueberries and cranberries from the mountain. So we can maybe get across that way. Yeah. Or maybe Billy can. Will it hold our weight? I mean, it holds a lot of blueberries. It's 700 pounds worth. I know it can hold me and a full bucket of blueberries. Eat my tummy. That's not enough. Oh, yeah. This thing will hold us. And it's literally a clothesline essentially.

But you know what that does tell you is that there's food up there. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There. There. From the discerning realities list? Sure. I want to ask who's really in control here other than the pigs. I mean, I think if we're looking out over a walking dead, we might see like a faction or something happening, popping up. Right. Maybe, yeah. Or whatever. Yeah. Or like it's clear that the lot of people holding out are there. Oh.

I feel like we're using the binoculars to really like zoom in. Oh, yeah. Enhance it. It would be so funny if there was like some fucked up halfling that was like, I am the warlord of Lone Tree. Yeah, there's somebody who's not usually in charge trying to take charge. Like they took over. Like they're like, I don't like how the mayor is doing this. I'm now the mayor. Oh, he's making America great again. Oh, yeah.

I mean, I don't hate the idea that, yeah, Billy like zooms in with his binoculars because he's like, oh, Lone Tree Hill is over this way. And you see that there is a huge barrenness. Barricade around Lone Tree Hill. Whoa, that's really big. Yeah. Well, I mean, you know, it's like four and a half feet tall or whatever. Huge. How are we going to get over that? And you see like halflings in scavenged armor patrolling the top of the wall. And you see a banner. You see a banner hanging off the wall.

And you zoom in. And the banner is it's black. And then it's got an orange shape. And then it's got a little bit of a red lip on it of a gourd vegetable with angry eyes and a mean mouth. You just did a smile for a mean mouth. Am I making the halfling lance too stupid? No, it's perfect. Yeah. I mean, if we're all digging this, this is for us. They basically have a jack-o'-lantern. Yeah. Okay. There's yeah. They have jack-o'-lanterns like on like on the spikes. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

They have rotting pumpkins on spikes. Yeah. Game of Thrones, but pumpkins. Billy's like the symbol of death. And then in the distance, we hear open the doors. And then we hear another halfling go. Do you have food for the pumpkin king? All hail the pumpkin king. You see the halfling hold up a little sack. And you hear. Clunk, clunk, clunk. As a big cart is pushed to the side. That's a normal size cart. By eight halflings throwing their weight against the cart.

I feel like, yeah, the fence around this town is the size of like just a regular fence you could buy at a Home Depot. Yeah. Like your fence. Yeah. But it'll keep any halfling out for sure. It'll keep pigs out too. Uh-huh. So it would appear, Billy, because you've never seen any sort of organization like this in your time in the halfling lands that someone is seizing control. Yeah. Yeah. Someone's hoarding the food. Yeah. In this time of trouble. Billy, are you doing okay? This is like your home.

Yeah. I just don't know who's doing that. It's weird. I feel weird in my hands. Like I want to beat them up. In your hands? Yeah. Do the energy release. No, I want it to, I want the madness to hit them in the face. That goes against all halflings. Halfling rules. Except when they did it to me all the time. That's the only time it's allowed. Subjugating other halflings is not okay. Uh-uh. Yeah. Because they're intrinsically quite socialist, right? Yeah. It's the only way that halflings survive.

Is to work together. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. I remember it's an interesting system of like their communities are very insular, but if you're in the community, everybody gets what they need. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You can continue down into the valley, which is about a 45-minute hour, probably out of the mountains. Yeah. I think we need to bring a food offering. It just makes sense. To get into this town. I think so. Okay. We need to have power of some kind. And food is the main source of power here. Can I roll plus wisdom to try and quickly forage as much as possible? I mean, intelligently using my wisdom. Oh, and using your wisdom. Yes. Yeah. You absolutely could forge with defy danger wisdom. Great.

I got nine. Okay. I could use a hand. I'll help. How is Billy helping? By tasting. Yeah. He's like, you can't do it by sight alone to see which ones are the ripest. Yeah. 12. Jesus Christ. I know. Holy shit. Of course. He comes to eating berries and Billy's like the best. I mean, anyone would know what a blueberry tastes like. Yeah, totally. These are blueberries. These are for sure. And then he eats more. Yeah. He's like, yeah, you definitely need more of these. They're blueberries.

And I also ate all of them. You gotta find another bush, but they were blueberries. It's okay. We grow a lot at the same time. Yeah. Me and the blueberries. Yeah. So you get like a good Tupperware containers worth of blueberries. That's it? Well, you're not at the blueberry patch. You're just on a mountain trail. Considering that, you've found a good amount of blueberries. Tuck's like, I found this. It's a pine cone. Delicious. That'll work. You cannot eat them. Can't you?

I'm 100% sure you can't eat them. And you're just heading down into the valley from here? I mean, I kind of want to test out to see if the zip line will work. Yeah. Can we try it? We can truck up to the zip line. I think so. Why not? Yeah, let's do it. It's a fairly easy walk unless we want to do a perilous journey. Tuck just starts cutting through the mountain trail to get there. Thank you, Tuck. Yeah. 2D6 plus endurance or constitution? Constitution, yeah.

He's just like, yeah, Billy, right on my shoulder. Seven. Whoa. Just barely made it. These are fucking thorny, Billy. What the fuck, dude? Yeah, that's iron cherry. Iron cherry. They only grow once every like 10 years. Should I take damage? It'd be pretty fucking. Yeah, you can take damage. Yeah, if you want that to be your seven and nine. Yeah, I want to push through but take damage. Okay, D6, yeah. Yeah. I'm pretty cut up. One. Jesus Christ. But I'm pretty cut up. Oh, yeah, definitely.

It stings a lot. It's like cat scratches. Yeah. You got some of those like berry. You got some of the cherry juice in your cuts. Yeah. It's not comfortable. Fucking stinging nettles. Piece of shit. Fucking nature ass. Corning horny bush. And you're hacking away. Ving, the experienced trailblazer and Forrester behind you. It's like walks around. It takes, I don't know. 20 minutes. 30 minutes of walking. Yeah. To get to the plateau, the terrace, basically, where these blueberries grow.

It looks like the halflings long ago. Like you see mountainside, mountainside terrace. Like it was cleared out, leveled out, and then blueberries were foraged from the wild and grown up. It's kind of like a single like rice paddy field kind of thing. Yeah. But it's just blueberries up there. Exactly. It's really nice up here. It's really nice. It's great. Yeah. There's a little sign. There's a little sign that says like blueberries. And then there's a other sign that says no Billy allowed. Whoa.

No Billy. Billy can't read anyway. Not even any other Billy. Sorry. It is crossed out. And to clarify, it says fat Billy allowed. No fat Billy allowed. It crossed out. They could have just added fat, but they crossed out. They crossed out Billy and then wrote fat Billy next to it. And you see these rows of blueberry bushes. It's fat with berries. Oh, yeah. I absolutely take whatever can fit in my arms. And you start picking and you hear, all right, quick, grab them. Grab as many as you can.

Who's that? We got to get back. To certain realities. TD6 plus wisdom. I got 12. 12. Whoa. Holy shit. What should I be on the lookout for? Quickly, you know, ducking out of the way into a blueberry bush, you see two adult halflings, a man and a woman wearing burlap. Burlap. They're like nabards. Like they've got burlap potato sacks over their torsos with like the sides cut. And then they have like belts around them. And they have orange pumpkins painted on the front. Oh, what?

And they're shoving blueberries into bags. Quick. Got to clear them out. Uh-oh. They're so short. And duck goes, I think those are, they work for the pumpkin king. I think so. Should we stop them? Or follow them? They're stripping the bushes. Like you can see, you can see they're just, they're fucking. Cleaning them out. Hey, they're cleaning it out for all the, what about all the people who are in the village who aren't part of the pumpkin king? That's against the rules.

You're supposed to leave half at all times. It's time I let out my anger fists. Why don't we try anger words first? Fine. Fine. You get two more questions if you want to, but you can hold on to them as well. What here is useful or valuable to me? You see the post that the gondola is attached to. And you see the bucket against the post of the gondola. The gondola is at the top. Okay. Oh, nice. It is the size of a mop bucket, but it's here. What's about to happen?

They are stripping the bushes very quickly. Just like handfuls, not being thoughtful about the bushes at all. They're just ripping the berries off, taking branches with them. Oh my God. They're destroying the patch. And just shoving them into sacks. And they are getting very close to tuck. So they're going to tuck is. Already bigger than most of the bushes here. It's only a matter of time before they see you. Yeah.

He's put a pine cone in front of his face, but for the moment, a human bite out of it for the moment you have the, you have the jump on them. I want to shoot first. So what are you doing? I, uh, do we have like a net or anything like that? No, definitely not. No, I guess I just have my fists on me. I mean, you have weapons. If you choose, like, you have a gun. You have a gun. You have a gun. You have a gun. You have a gun. You have throwing knives and shit.

Well, I want, I punch one of them in the back of the head first. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, so you're, are you trying to sneak up on them or are you just rushing out? Um, I sneak up on them. Okay. So it's good. That's going to be defy danger dexterity first. Okay. Before you hack and slash. Come on. Oh, don't worry. 11. Okay. Billy is a leaf on the wind. Yeah. You push to Bush. And then I say, what the, what are you doing? I punched one of them in the back of the head. I can slash two D six plus strength.

Okay. Seven. Okay. So on a seven to nine, you deal your damage and they deal their damage. Okay. Two. Two. Yep. And, uh, yeah, roll a D six. Four. Four. So you sneak up on this halfling, the, the young man and you, what are you doing? And you pop them in the back of the head and he goes, what? And he spins around with his bag and just whaps you with a full bag of blueberries. All right. So you're like, oh, I'm going to get this. It's got branches. It's got branches. Yeah.

All the sticks kind of cut as they swing it at you and you take four damage. Wow. Rude. Rude. Both of the halflings now turn and see Billy and they go, ah, I want to jump out and grab both their bags or one of the banks, the ladies bag. Yeah, totally. A two D six plus dexterity. 10. 10. Yeah. You, you snatched the bag right out of her hands. Give me that. Drop that. Give me that bag. What are you doing with all these blueberries? These are property at Jack of the lantern.

Property of the jack of the lantern. Property of the jack of the lantern. Property of the pumpkin cake. Give me the bag. And tuck has smeared his face with mud and blueberry juice and blueberry juice and he, and his cuts are bleeding a lot. And then he like, he raises out of the bush that he's in and he's like, Jack of the lantern has something coming for him. I am hog Lord. Billy also screams. He's telling me to go. He's terrified.

He's put two sticks in his, in his mouth where the tusks would be. Yeah. Two D six plus charisma. And he taped his nose. Uh, scotch tape taped to the back of his head. It's insane. He looks insane. He took a piece of like leather strap and he taped it around his head. Oink, oink little halflings. Eight. Eight. Eight. Eight. Okay.

The one that Ving yanks the bag out of the hands of the girl hits the mud and just splats and then like picks herself up and sees the hog Lord and screams darts off into the trees. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I want to go after her. Okay. Yeah. Defy danger dexterity. Eight. Yeah. You catch up. What do you do? I jump on her and try to pin her down. Fuck. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure. Oh, 10. Okay. Yes. That's sick. Yes. Billy just pop, pop, pop, pop, slam into the dirt. My full body weight, which is a lot bitch.

I shouldn't have said that. I'm so sorry. So sorry, ma'am. And then from the blueberry Bush where you hear tucking Vingo. Whoa. Okay. I'm sorry, lady. That's better. It's she's going, what are you doing here? Can't get in the way. And there's still the other halfling that hit Billy with the bag of berries. I want to grab his bag of blueberries. Six plus dexterity. Nine. Nice. Yeah. I'll help by freaking him out. Okay. Where are they? Where are the blueberries? What are you? Nine. Nice.

So that makes it a 10. Okay. You get the bet. He sees the bag. He sees the bag. He sees the bag. He sees the bag. He sees the bag. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife.

There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife.

And Billy yells like what are you doing I can't hold her for much longer Oh shit and then Tuck runs over And grabs the other half You're able to pick her up with Billy's help Okay I carry her back What are you doing with the guy Hey hey put it down put it down it's okay You're safe look watch watch He comes back he takes the leather strap off And Tuck's nose boinks back down It's just a big dude Oh you're just some guy Yeah Ah bad You guys are pretty freaked out About these pigs huh Wouldn't you be just a roiling sea Of pink beige flesh Tearing through the fields Your families tended for decades Where's wild Bill Isn't he supposed to take care of the pigs No one's seen wild Bill in weeks What He went off to face Razortusk Oh no Who is this pumpkin lord You're all serving The only one that had the Stomach Dones The only one that had the cones To step up And take what was necessary To protect the people of the Everwood Valley Jack of the lantern The pumpkin king You hear him from like way over there Jack of the lantern pumpkin king Wait Jack the candlestick guy What do you know of the pumpkin king Jack Wick the candlestick man Sounds like you've been away for a long time Little boy Well isn't that what he did In the before days Before the hogpocalypse perhaps How long's he been this like Jack of the lantern It's been days Like a week Yeah like seven days Like a week Actually eight days Just over a week And the Everwood Valley's never been safer Why are you hoarding food for the king Food means security Food means control The food that we take We can distribute as we see fit And it's not misused by those Who don't see the pumpkin king's ways Or consumed by the rampant hogs Who doesn't see it in the same way Hmm that's a good question Is there a faction of halflings That are like down with the pumpkin king I mean it's mostly like family drama Right Like family feuds Should I Spout Lore Alright Billy is gonna go back Into his memory of the before times Eight Eight okay so interesting but not useful Okay You're trying to think about like which family Might have been like fuck this guy Yeah like who does Jack wick not like Cause the thing with family feuds Like blood feuds is they're always stupid Yeah they're always stupid Like no one remembers why they hate each other They just do Oh yeah maybe one of their daughters or sons got rejected by the other one Yeah Pumpernickel Bill's daughter Got rejected by Jack The Pumpernickel family Yes And the pumpkin king family The pumpkins and the Pumpernickels Right we already did pump Yeah That's why it's funny The Vanderpumps They're called Vanderpumpernickels Oh maybe Okay maybe it was like a thing where Jack was like a lowly candle maker And he fell in love with the With the daughter of the family who ran all of the fairies that went around And they're pretty wealthy And like they were sort of betrothed Like they weren't betrothed to Jack But they kind of fell in love with each other Maybe they did a halfling ceremony that betrothed them In the eyes of the Everwood Yeah But then the big daddy fairy man Said no no no And he banished Jack Which is kind of the worst thing for a halfling Oh it's embarrassing Yeah And you lose all your land too You have to go establish a new land Or farm And because they're so insular and untrusting of other People from other countries From other communities Jack just wandered the waste And then And everyone could see him wandering the waste Because you see this little light bobbing through the dark woods at night Yeah And then when the hogs returned He took over He used the brutality he learned in the waste He burned a bunch of the fairies Whoa Intrigue There was wax there I do like the idea that he just became an arsonist Yeah No he was always an arsonist What if the fairy family No it's dude I was gonna say the dinghies Oh I like that Yeah The dinghies So the dinghies Yeah he's like but the dinghies They've never seen Jack's way They've never seen Jack's status quo And they're out there They're out there plying the waters in the canals Attempting to undercut his rule Attacking his food shipments I see what's happening So Jack Wick takes this as an opportunity And then he wants to be He wants to take like Dan Dillard's life Dinghies To spot as like what The richest halfling in all the land The Pumpkin King's ways are not for the layman to understand Yeah the Pumpkin King knows that money means nothing When food is king You know what I mean like Food is always king Yeah I feel like Food is king We might have actually Maybe we talked about at some point That the halflings don't even really have Currency So this is their currency Yeah Great But I do like the idea that they're like We could not deign to know Jack of the lantern's ways But yes basically that is what's happening But you more or less nailed it I thought so yeah Finally Jack gets his revenge You know Jack's been walking around For years talking about getting revenge And now is the time He was not secret about it at all He would wander the waste and scream I'll get revenge one day He even took out ads in the local paper Just a full page spread Just a picture of his A drawing of his face That says I'll get revenge Also buy wigs from Wick Yeah Wicks wicks Oh maybe when the hogs came He burned the ships He did Yeah Yeah So no one could get away Yeah So everyone's stuck And maybe that's why Wild Bill couldn't help Because he couldn't get across What Bill's just around Standing on the other side of the river like Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Yeah.

So you've got these two halflings whose names are Bert and Berda. You're talking to Bert, who was the one that pulled the knife. And Berda is, I guess, just being held up by Tuck. Yeah. She's stabbing my hand a lot. Yeah. Just over and over. Oh my gosh. Let go. Let go of me. I'm not going to let go. Let go. I might take your knife, though. No. Just pluck it out of her hand. I'm going to take this. This is the easiest adventure we've ever had to do.

It was kind of also similarly easy to get Greg and Brenda to fuck each other. That's true. So it's definitely of equal stakes. Honestly, this is sort of the same thing where we're just like, the Jack-o'-lantern king is in love and heartbroken. Right. Yeah, I guess kind of. Oh, maybe the love of his life has been betrothed to somebody else and he's holding out until the betrothal is broken. That would make sense that he's trying to win her back with this. Yeah. Move. And he's going way too far.

Yeah. You're all speculating a lot up here on this hillside. Bert, is that true? Yeah, that's pretty much it. Okay. I thought so. I thought so. So where Bert, where, or Berda, I get either of you. Stabbing your hand. Where'd you get the other knife? I am always armed. And he goes, Berda, what's the fairy people's family called? What? Where are they? The dinghies? Yeah. Oh yeah. The dinghies. Where are they? Where do they hold up? Why would I tell you?

I feel like we have to coerce them in some way. Oh yeah. You definitely do. You can't just get all the information you want out of these two. Oh, right. Yeah. Right. Hey, we will bring you back to the Jack-o'-lantern and bring some of the blueberries if you grant us audience with your Jack of the Lantern. There we go. Okay. Okay. 2d6 plus charisma. Six. Are you going to help me being scary as fuck? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You just put your nose back up. Yeah.

And I go, and if you don't help us, I'll fucking eat you. And then he's just like, oh, and then he takes Berda and he's like, look, you're the size of my mouth. And then he puts her in there. 2d6 plus bond. 12. Oh my God. All right. So that makes it a seven to nine, which means they need concrete assurance of your offer right now. I hand him a, one of the bags of blueberries. He's back. And they dropped to the ground. Do you let Berda go? Uh, no, I hold onto her until they agree.

She sees the blueberries hit the ground and she starts kicking in your hands. Bert like reaches into the berries and starts eating them. Bert, what are you doing? Look, it's hard right now. Food is food is scarce. It's tightly controlled. I, if you, if you don't tell anybody that we ate these berries, then sure. We'll, we'll help you. We'll, we'll get you audience with the pumpkin King. Okay. Yeah. Bring us in. Okay. Say that we'll help the King somehow. Okay. Yeah.

You can even take credit for us helping. If you want, if it'll help, that would be excellent. You would do that. Yeah. Yeah. You would allow us to say that we brought you to the pumpkin King. Yeah. Okay. Give me three more minutes with these blueberries. Put down Berda and you got a deal. All right. I put her down next to the bag of blueberries. She starts eating them too. I also turned around, ate a bunch of blueberries off the bushes.

And we, the three of us, like three halflings, all have blueberries. We're just like, all right. And, uh, yeah. Three minutes later, you're on the road. We're heading down to like the, yeah. You head back down the trail. They go to the gondola and they turn and they look at tucking Vang and go, oh, well, and they walk over to tucking Vang and they start climbing up. You too. How are we getting across the river then? How deep is the river? Oh yeah. It's probably not that deep. It's so deep.

It's four feet deep. Twice overhead. Yeah. They both go. Oh, four feet deep. We rarely get to the bottom. And if you do, you never come up. No one's ever seen the bottom and lived. Actually, the, the pumpkin Kings men probably control a bridge. There's one bridge that they are like tightly in control of. That makes sense. Don't worry. We'll get you across the cherry bridge. The only remaining operable bridge on this side of the Sunwise. Okay. Thank you. And you start walking down the trail.

And as you get lower out of the mountains. There's a woman. There's a woman. There's a woman. There's a woman. Yeah, exactly. Lord of the Rings music. It's like the halflings riding the ants. Yes. Pink and Tucker just like, dude, this is fucking weird. This is actually pretty cool. I feel like I'm LARPing right now. So we have come here. We've seen the halfling lambs in turmoil. We realized that a warlord has arisen as a result of the hogs ran amok.

Which was a convenient excuse for him to take over. Yeah. So Jack of the Lantern took that as an opportunity to take over Lone Tree Hill. Yeah. Like basically we'll take power over kind of all of the Everwood Valley because the whole valley, all the towns rely on this ferry system. Right. He took the power out of the town. Out of the Dursleys or whatever they're called. The dinghies. The dinghies. Yeah. And he burned their ferries. He burned a lot of them.

And then the few that are still operating are now being manned by like his people. Oh. And they, same with the bridges, which were also supposed to be automatic. So then the question remains, where are the dinghies and what happened to them? Yes. Oh. They're the faction that's been driven underground. Yeah. Yeah. So we're trying to infiltrate his court to figure out what. What happened. And he's doing all of this because he's in love with one of the dinghies. Yeah. That's speculation.

That's speculation. So we do need to confirm that. Yeah. Court did say yes. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty much got it. It's part of the origin story of the faction. Yeah. I'm being hamstrung by the fact that it's funnier for them to just give up the information, but we cannot trivialize the fact that a warlord has taken control of the Everwood Valley. Yeah. And we need to figure out where Wild Bill is because he's one of the ones who could be quelling this uprising of hogs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

He seems to be out in the wind. Mm-hmm. Him and the dinghies. We need to know what the fuck's going on there. Mm-hmm. And also, I do think that that is a good point, that Jack rose to power as a result of the hogs. Yes. Maybe he did something to Wild Bill. That's what I'm thinking. Mm-hmm. Wild Bill always comes back. Yeah. He's the only one powerful enough to swim across the river. Mm-hmm. So there's no way he's stuck. Spout Lore. Does Jack have any ties with Wild Bill? Sorry.

I just imagined Wild Bill as having fucking massive. Oh, yeah. He's like half dwarf. Half arm. Maybe. I was thinking that, yeah, there's some dwarf crossover here. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Pretty sweet. Okay. So you carry on out of the mountain with Bert and Bertha. Yeah. And I think this is maybe the conversation that we had as we were walking down the mountain path. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. And Bertie and Bertha are like, no. No. Like, really trying to play it. Like, you don't know anything.

You think you know everything about the Everwood Valley and the Pumpkin King, but you don't. Yeah. And I turn to Bert and I'm like, Bert, you know what all it takes for evil men to triumph is for good men to do nothing. That's what Wild Bill always said. That is what Wild Bill. What am I quoting? I think. I don't know. This is a very good quote, though. It's like Churchill or something. I think so. Yeah, yeah. I thought it was the Dark Knight. I think it's also in the- I think both.

I think Harvey Dent does say that in the Dark Knight. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Great and you enter the valley Well and truly Come down from the mountains And as you're like walking down this path Which Tuck and Ving you would know Is very narrow This is definitely a halfling path You're like fucking ow I'm stepping on rocks And it's tight in here And you come into the valley And the ground is getting muddier And looser And it's just sludge Once you get to the base of the valley itself You can feel in your feet In the movement like the flood waters That are still saturating the ground here Bert how has you been navigating In all this muck Slowly There's a long trek ahead of us Like I said we're going to go to the bridge We're going to go to Cherry Bridge There it is Must be so nice being so tall And such long legs I know that's what I've been telling them All this time They don't even consider the fact that it's so easy for them.

No, it's so hard to go on walks with them. Privilege is what it is. All the halflings have moved into a single Bjorn that is on my chest and they're having this conversation while they're hanging on my chest. It's like height privilege. It really is. Thank you. Take a second. That's so funny. And you get to Cherry Bridge. It is a very basic bridge. It crosses the river, which is, you were saying it's about as wide as like the Fraser in Vancouver. It took centuries to build all this.

It's really wide. Yeah, it's like 40, 50 feet wide. And you said when it's ripping, it's ripping. Yeah, I think it's ripping right now. Yeah, the waters are ripping for sure. And the bridge crosses the whole thing. It's about a 50, 60 foot wide or long bridge, maybe 20 feet wide. It is arched a bit. Yeah. Totally. It's like wood and stone sort of. Yeah. Tuck's like, holy fuck. Halflings built this? Yes. Generations. I helped build this with old Bill and older Bill and skinny Bill.

And Berta's like, you helped build this? This bridge was completed 200 years ago. And you hear, halt. We stop. Who goes there? There's halflings at the foot of the bridge on this side of the river. There's small. There's small crates and little halfling carts piled up in the front of the bridge. Oh, yeah. Bert, do your thing. Right. And he slides down out of the Bjorn and approaches the guards who are wearing similar pumpkin tabards with burlap. But they have like little spears and little.

Oh, they have pitchforks. They have little tiny pitchforks. Oh, wow. And Bertie approaches, says, all right, lower your weapons. Let us through. Let us through. These three come at my request and wish to speak to the pumpkin. King. He doesn't know what he's taking responsibility for. You're notoriously not to be taken responsibility of. And they like mutter amongst themselves. If this is some sort of ruse, Bertamund, on your head be it. We bring you blueberries in payment as well.

And they all rush forward and they look at the berries and go, they're real. They're good. And Tuck's like, I brought this. Pine cone. And there's another bite out of it. You took another bite out of it? Try it again on the walk. I tried it again. I thought maybe I was wrong about it. It has the word cone in it. You would think. And they start pushing crates and carts aside, making way for you across Cherry Bridge. Across the bridge? Billy had hid behind Berda just in case. Oh, yeah.

So you wouldn't be recognized? Sick. Very smart. So as you're like crossing, you're like. Nothing to see here. And as you cross this bridge. Billy, this is a great bridge. Yeah. So sturdy. Thank you. You did a great job. Yeah. What I did was that pillar. And it's just a stump. That Billy like cemented into the bridge a long time ago. It's like stuck there with fairy magic. Oh, yeah. They've tried to move the stump a million times and then just went, it doesn't move.

It's just in the fucking middle. Yeah. It sucks. It is load bearing. Yeah. To go around. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. To go around the stump. It would be a way more functional bridge. If it weren't there. If it wasn't there. And they were like, Billy, it's supposed to, like long ago, they were like, Billy, it's supposed to go there. And I was like, sorry, it's, that's where it is. It sucks. I can't do anything about it. Forever now. I tried to move it, but it doesn't want to move. Yeah.

It was supposed to be a commercial bridge, but it's definitely just for pedestrians. Accidentally pedestrianized cherry bridge. And as you're crossing this bridge, which you are Ving. And Tuck, having seen a bit of halfling construction are kind of surprised by the sturdiness of you're like, we're massive. And this thing is holding our weight. No problem. It's, I feel like the way that they build things is like, they just like find the perfect piece of wood that would go in here.

What is that called? Joinery. Yeah. It's nonstop joinery all the way through. And then this stump. And then this stump. And you feel underneath your feet, the rushing rivers of the Sunwise. As it courses away to the South, into the Everwood and back up to the North. And this almost like electric feeling of crossing this barrier is what signals your passage into the Valley itself and the current land of the hogs.

One of the guards on the bridge is like, welcome to the hog lands and may God have mercy on your soul. Welcome to the hog lands. God be with you. Welcome to the hog lands traveler. And may God be with you. Godspeed traveler. You're in hog apocalypse now. You're in hog territory. And it's just like a very dismal scene. Like there's mud, there's torn up cornfields. There's like destroyed farmhouses in the distance. Tuck's like, whoa, it looks like a music festival happened here. This sucks.

Yeah, it does look a lot like mudlark. It does. It looks like the hot dog festival. It does. Oh no. Right. And Bert and Bertie are like looking around very furtively. Like they're uncomfortable to be outside the walls of. Yeah. Yeah. Keep an eye on your feet. You guys, there could be hogs hiding everywhere. Not anywhere. I mean everywhere. There could be hogs hiding everywhere. Everywhere could be a hog. So what do you do?

You've got like, you've got a couple hours walk until you get to lone tree Hill. I think this is going to be a perilous journey because these are dangerous lands. You probably just won't manage provisions. Yeah. You don't need to do all of them. We just do scout ahead and navigate. So we need one person to scout ahead, one, one to navigate. Billy's got his binoculars. Yeah, I have binoculars. You're scouting. Binoculars. Okay, I'll scout. So that's 2d6 plus wisdom. I will. Whoa. Nice.

I got eight. Okay. So seven to nine on navigate. Choose one from below and get the drop on whatever lies ahead. Discern a beneficial aspect of the terrain. Make a discovery or notice a danger. What's more fun for you? I'm really, maybe my idea doesn't make sense because no, we know the hogs are here. So that's not exciting. I mean, what are you doing? Thank you. What is your face over here? I'm going to say I want a danger. You want a danger? You want a danger? I want a danger.

I actually, the danger was what I was thinking. Okay. So I would like to, what was the option? Notice sign of a nearby danger. I want to notice sign of a nearby danger. Okay. And so you got an eight on navigate. Yeah. Fuck yeah. So we can, with the navigate, we can discover, we can happen upon a discovery missed by the scout. The going is slow. Or you encounter a danger. Okay. We might already stop looking at me like that. I want a danger. Don't say it like that, man. I said we'll get a danger.

Do we mix a danger and a discovery? Cause I know what the danger is. I'm not going to roll for the danger. I already have an idea. I mean, it's up to you. What? Oh, he was for the navigation. Yeah. This is for navigate. Yeah. It's one of these from below. You happen upon a discovery missed by the scout. The going is slow. Or you encounter a danger. Danger. So two dangers. Two dangers. Yeah. Two dangers. We're in a hogpocalypse. Yeah, that's true.

We're in a hogpocalypse and we are walking into a, like a world war Z zombie land scenario. Uh huh. So, oh, maybe you get in the middle of something. Like it's like, it's not even necessarily targeting you. Yeah. Oh, that's so much funnier. Do we move into the trenches of a hog battle? Maybe. I think what I think. Okay. So I think what it is, is we're getting like the river is coursing. You're kind of like the trail that you're taking is taking you into the middle of something. Into farmland.

Like, ah, we got to go through these mud fields. This is terrible. And as you like are walking through these ruined farms, there's like scarecrows, like on posts, like little halfling size scarecrows that are just tilted in the, in the mud. Yeah. And you're walking and you crouch down, you hear noises. Yeah. There's baby corn stalks, like bent in half. Yeah. It's trampled under hoof foot. There's quicksand, but like quick mud, quick mud. And it's like mud. Oh yeah. It's. Bubbling in the field.

Very. And like steam coming out of it, vapor. Oh yeah. There's like hot mud pools. Yeah. Because the hogs have been having diarrhea all over the place. It's diarrhea. Oh my God. It smells so bad. It smells really bad. Because they've been eating so much squash, which is so stinky. Oh yeah. Just raw. Uh huh. Fiber. Too much fiber. So much fiber. And you are walking through and Bert, Bertie and Bert are like, wait, stop. We stop. Don't take another step. We're going to take another step.

And you see like in the field, a bunch of hogs like lift themselves up from the mud. Oh, there's probably fucking 10, 15 of them. Oh God. Oh shit. Just like mud is like sloughing off of them. I mean, they're just pigs, but also that's a lot of them. Yeah. That's a lot of pigs. It's all the hatred in their eyes. And they're all racist. You can tell. And look at us. So many races standing before them. Halflings really feel targeted by these pigs. The pigs are.

Jessica said, look how many races are standing in front of them. The pigs are racist. We're a fucking buffet to them. They can be so racist towards us. Oh my God. We're the most diverse thing for a hundred miles in every direction. I've never seen this many in one place. They're going to choose their favorite race for last. Like they're only standing still because they're, they're just overwhelmed. They're overwhelmed by how many slurs they could throw at us.

And as, as the lead hog, the biggest one with like, you know, when they get so fat that there's like the roll on the back of their head that like connects with their back. So it's kind of like a big roll. Yeah. Starts like turning around, waddling, like sniffing the air. All of the scarecrows in the field start screaming. What? And they jump down off the poles onto the hogs. Whoa. And start like trying to lash them around like the necks. Whoa.

They've got woven cords and a hat flies off of one and there's little halfling hair underneath. And they're trying to like wrangle these hogs. Oh my gosh. Holy shit. And then there's fucking pig demonium as these pigs start flipping out and scattering. And this is the true danger is fucking pigs are running all over the place now in a panic. What do you do? I fight the pigs. Yeah. Trying to help wrangle these pigs. Yeah. All right. These halflings seem honorable. I want to help them.

This has become like a wild horse wrangling session. Yeah. So how do you try and help these halflings? I mean, Bing's got his harpoon and rope. Yep. So I want to lasso a pig. Yeah, totally. And drive the harpoon in the ground and anchor them. Fucking sick. Defy danger, dexterity. First, I would like to roll fight with honor. Oh, no. Seems like we're getting into a fight. Yeah. Yeah, totally. Yep. Okay. So I'll roll plus con to get some chi. Oh, I got three. Holy fuck, dude. Oh, man.

I bet you wish you just rolled that defy danger to start with. On a miss, I get one hold, but the enemies have to jump on me. Uh-oh. It's like Jaws where a pig comes out from the path right next to us. Just out of the mud. And Doug's like, ah! What's he going to say? Say Jaws. Oh, my gosh. That's a big fellow. Is that going to need a bigger butt? I'm going to need a bigger lasso. I'm going to need a bigger rope. Oh, yeah. There you go. There was the syllable count.

So yeah, Ving, you plant your feet and you bring your fists up to your side. And then pull out a lasso and a cowboy hat. You pull out the lasso, you put on your cowboy hat, and then ba-boom! Mud showers you as a massive pig leaps out of the mud next to you. Oh, my gosh. Okay, but I have one chi. So I'm going to spend that on that one pig. On the pig that's now leaping out of the mud? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll use that chi to try and deal my damage. Yeah. D6. Go ahead. D6. One. Oh, fuck!

So sad. Yeah, there you go. So how do you deal your one damage to this hog, which definitely has a hog's worth of armor? I mean, yeah, I just don't have much time. That makes sense. He leaps out. So I try to put my shoulder into his belly to try and flip him end over end. Yeah, totally. And the sheer… The sheer weight of this hog drives you down into the mud underneath it. Oh, shit. Wow. And your arms and legs just flick underneath this pig. Oh, God.

And Ving is driven into the mud by this massive hog. Ving! It's killing him! This became real so fast for Doug. And Billy feels… These aren't just pigs. Billy's alarmed but also smug because he's like, I told them it wasn't just pigs. Yeah. This is a real pig. This is a real pig. This is a real pig. I told you so. So many. A fucking 250 pound pig just crushed Ving. And there's 15 of them and a bunch of scarecrows just came to life. Doug is having an awful day. This is fucked up, dude.

Your face is covered in delicious blueberry juice. Yeah. Yeah, that's the best thing about today for sure. I'm going to try and like get this hog off of Ving. Yeah. So I'm going to grab it by the back of its neck. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Up so you're gonna have to roll a defy danger to get a hold on it first yeah okay what was the plus it's if you're just gonna take some grab it really hard strength yeah it's straight it would be straight hand strength yeah yeah totally huge pig yeah yeah that's 13 nice fuck yeah okay with it well honestly with the 13 I think you can free ving from the pig you just grab it okay throw it at the other pigs oh yeah yeah I do want to lift it over my head okay well you've talked me into another defy danger strength this pig is really big eight okay yeah yeah yeah emerges just covered in mud pulling it out of his mouth I'm so sorry I'll never do it again and Tuck's got this massive pig over his head oh my muscles are popping so many abs coming out and you feel things like oh that's what he means about shit shapes shapes and you feel something in your back tweak that's funny because I felt something in my front tweak I think you just like either either you're gonna take some damage from pulling your back or you're gonna drop this pig I'm gonna take some damage okay roll a d6 this is your armor is not gonna get you through this Tuck's in full like proud stepdad mode where he's just like I'm fine fine!

You're just shaking your arms are just quivering with a huge pig over your head and you've got a chance to throw it before anything else happens yeah I want to throw it at another pig I guess volley yeah 2d6 plus pig okay plus pig plus pig plus dexterity throw this racist at another racist yeah you fucking bigoted pig you six I'll aid yeah how do you aid I stand up and like jump out of the mud now that I'm free from the mud and jump up and give a heave hoy as he's the pig yeah as he's throwing all right 2d6 plus bond okay I got eight great so with a volley take what you can get so you roll your damage minus a d6 or you put yourself in danger I'll take what I can get okay so you roll your damage okay for the pigs which is a d10 so that's one oh no all right then you roll a d6 and you subtract it one wow so perfect yeah so you and ving just heave this pig into the air and it gracefully arcs rolling like a like a hot dog on a 7-eleven warming track it's like straight out its face blank and it slams into the mud on its feet and it starts just walking it just leaves I've been gifted a second chance oh is that a root over there right you can all hear these pigs because ving's here oh yeah oh so we can hear all the racist shit they're saying I'm not saying any of that stuff whatever is in your head listener that's what they're saying that's right listener this is on you yeah uh okay billy are you still in the yeah I'm trying to wiggle free but I'm kind of scared too billy's like be brave there's a sea of pigs and birdie and burda are gripping onto the bjorn um I um I'm wiggling out to unleash the fanny pack yeah what sorry paul just sat under his breath a bay of pigs which is so good that's so fucking funny so uh okay so billy's trying to undo the fanny pack he's trying to undo the fanny pack and he's saying victor where are you we need you right now oh good boy oh yeah oh how do we okay what is so what is the role here because victor is definitely like oh chomping at the bit um could I wealth and taste wealth and taste to like try and tempt victor out of the bag with a bunch of pigs yeah I'm like victor marvel you just take your marble drawer and go clang clang yeah I like how a pig I see like I'm eating all the pigs would definitely draw a wolf a mystical wolf from the north he's dumb though and he's like I know what I it's his most valuable possession yeah totally yeah that's what it is so I make a show of flashing my own most valuable possession which is my marbles um so yeah I wiggle them at the entrance of the of the tent and I just hear like paws padding yeah all right 2d6 plus charisma 10 plus 2 is 12 jesus christ yes so you like you wiggle the jar in front of the fanny pack and you hear the pat like the loping run of victor he's just like open it up yeah open the fanny pack and a wolf yeah it explodes from the fanny pack I will go to the all day breakfast slams into the victor you gotta herd the pigs out of here oh get as many pigs as you can you know what would really hurt the pigs what if I killed them I mean do what you gotta do victor what would give me more marble hard or hurt I mean hurt they're racist I keep pushing the fact that these pigs are racist so that our audience does not get upset about a slaughtering racism is the trait of the traitorous coward of the pathetic coward so victor's not the magic bullet here the the pigs are still a concern but victor is now soaring his own brand of discord right through the pigs in which a fucking eight foot long almost invisible wolf yeah is ripping through these pigs yeah yeah so victor starts chasing a bunch of pigs and they fucking take off and there's so much squealing there's squealing and the squealing is the most squealing of course we can hear is them going and there are a bunch of scarecrows that are starting to tie off a couple of the pigs and like lash them together into like pig rafts oh cool there's one of the scarecrows has like three hogs tied together and they're riding it like it's a fucking jet ski wow hog power but there's still a number of pigs to deal with uh thing what do you do oh I'm gonna use uh call of nature oh and call upon the uh aid of a spirit choose an element mud yep to uh wrangle these pigs I'm gonna make a giant hog on a mud see how they like it oh sick and he's racist against pigs a self-hating mud pig yes nice I got six plus wisdom I got eight eight so that gives you what one uh seven to nine I create a physical form for the spirit to inhabit and get rid of the pig and I'm gonna make a giant hog on a mud pig game one request okay while you have the hold the spirit will attempt to aid you to the best of its ability yeah when you roll for the pig to help you for the spirit to help you you roll plus your request ten plus it succeeds seven to nine it succeeds but you lose one request but how does this does this just look like a big ass pig man out of mud yeah it forms up like on all around the pigs and uh it squeals there's just a big mud pig yeah yeah yeah then he said there's a new pig mama in town there's a new pig mama in town what do you require of me summoner I require you to get these pigs out of here all right and boom boom turns on its huge pig mud hooves can it banish the pigs it might yeah it might well do we'll see what happens with this roll so 2d6 plus one for the remaining request I got three snake eyes plus one never mind well I was a masterful fail oh boy holy shit that's a big fail that's it that's the first time I used that move yeah well you know I rolled too fast you saw that yeah yeah you rolled too fast I rolled too fast it blew my lewd rolled too fast it blew my lewd so the pigs couldn't do the thing that I wanted it to do so the the thing with the move is that like you lose the request and they and it doesn't succeed oh so it's like it doesn't do the thing that you need to do and it doesn't succeed and it doesn't and you still lose the point that you had oh god this move is bad actually the way that I made it kind of sucks I will do that yeah maybe it just falls on all the mud pigs and then that's it yeah don't worry summoner I will do this thing you asked of me and it just reaches it rears up on its hind hooves holy shit towering above you a mountain of mud and then just a tidal wave of mud falls down on everyone slam slam slam boom and you feel your your control over this earthly form you created for the spirit fritter away like your lash on it just effervescently disappears as you are cloaked in mud this is like saving private ryan like it's all quiet for a second shaky cam smoke everywhere we started getting our hearing back with a ringing yeah ving ving you gotta get up sir what do we do now they're coming back around we're gonna babysit this bridge so I think what it is is it is that like the halflings like a bunch of their hats their little scarecrow hats got knocked off and they're like wiping mud out of their eyes when it's like rock and roll and they're like oh my god I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck arcing around to return for a final charge.

You know the thing about a pig is he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Dog's eyes. Jesus Christ. When it comes out she doesn't seem to be living. Until it bites him. Is that from Saving Private? It's from Jaws. It's from Jaws. And I think that's where we're going to end. I actually hate that I did that. So I'm going to pull it out. It's so fucking funny. It's so funny. I can just start my outro and you can cut it in or out as you see fit. How about… What if Victor says that? Yeah.

Victor comes loping back. It's when they come at you with dead eyes. Like a doll's eyes. I think that's where we're going to end it for this week. I'm your Game Master Sean O'Hara. Joining me is always playing Tacoma Dome the Barbarian Abdulaziz. Fourteen hundred men went into the water. Three hundred men came out. USS Indianapolis. Playing Bing the Half-Elf Druid Paul Hoppers. This is such a bad riff. It's killing the outro. It's so bad. This reference does not work.

It almost makes it better, honestly. Take care, everyone. Dang it. I was Googling quotes as fast as I could. And playing Fat Billy the Halfling Thief Jessica Tai. Why do I deserve to go? Why not any of these guys? They all fought just as hard. What quote is this? From Saving Private Ryan. That's her face. Saving Private Ryan. Oh my God. Thank you to Aaron Reid who would never do this to me for our intro and outro music.

If you want to find all of Aaron's original music, you can find that at aaronreid.bandcamp.com. Jessica found another quote. Let's hear it. Tell her that when you found me, I was here and I was with the only brothers I have left and that there's no way I was going to desert them. That's a thing one of the other halflings, one of the scarecrow halflings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like lying in the mud. Trey, we got to get out of here. I'm not going. The other guy's like, my liver. Oh no.

If you want to find all Aaron Reid's original music just before you watch Saving Private Ryan, you can find it at aaronreid.bandcamp.com and if you want to listen to all of the music Aaron has produced for the show written by Abdul and myself, you can find that at soundcloud.com. Thank you to all of our supporters around the world. You can look forward to our Saving Private Ryan watch podcast later tonight.

If you want us to support the show and get access to a bunch of bonus content and fund my Tom Hanks filmography watch podcast, you can find us at patreon.com. Slash speltlord or speltlord.com slash money please. And finally, and most of all, thank you to all of you for listening. We'll see you next time.

Someday we might look back on this and decide that saving pigs, saving private pigs, private pigs, saving pig Ryan was one decent thing we were able to pull out this whole god awful shit sty of a mess. And then it fades into like a shot of a war cemetery. And there's a flag of the pumpkin king waving. And an elderly Matt Damon is looking at three crosses, two big ones and a little one. And he turns to his wife and says, tell me I've been a good halfling.

So funny that this turned into a war movie. I love that. I told you guys. That's huge. I told you. The pigs are scary. The pigs are intense. You kept saving. It's like saving private Ryan. And so ends the tale of adventures three who tried the best they can. Though dumb and scared and lost they be for time's abreast in revelry. And though our journey may be like a conclusion, we will not leave you without a resolution. Return next week to hear some more whilst you commute or do your chores.

And for you I'd gladly spell war.