Episode 10 – The Garden Snake

Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers have health, he shifts his shape, and wields a spear with great might Peely's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends, and listen close For the tale's about to start Hello everybody and welcome to Spout Lore!

I'm your guest, I'm your game master, And my name is Sean O'Hara And joining me as always playing Tacoma Dome the Barbarian, his name is Abdul Aziz Hello, I'm Brown And playing Ving the Half-Elf Druid, his name is Paul Oppers Hi, I'm Half-White and Half-White And playing Fat Billy the Half-Lake Thief, her name is Jessica Tai Hi, I'm Half-White and Half-Chinese Charlie, you said we had to do that I do not appreciate having this bit used against me You said we had to We had to identify to the listeners what culture we were so that the racist jokes that you were making at us would be okay That I'm making Everyone knows you always listen to an Irishman Yeah I'm Sean O'Hara and because of the way my name is people assume I'm 100% Irish And when last we left our heroes, we joined them in the throes of a home invasion, burglary situation Their home had been intruded upon by mysterious figures And after a resounding success, we were able to get out of the house and go back to our home After a resounding success in a breach and clear style ambush They discovered that the Jackals had sent three dopes to toss your place to look for information What was actually happening was those bumbling assholes were supposed to distract you from the real thief Some sort of gun for hire sort of situation A figure called the Garden Snake, a legendary McCollin thief Who was silhouetted against the moon, tuxedo mask style With Ving's spear in hand and then disappeared And then disappeared And then disappeared You were then placed in a confirmation gathering in the form of talking to a bunch of orphans You discovered that the Garden Snake may or may not be a noble who moonlights as a thief Cool And decided that the best way to get her attention was to pretend to be very rich people The way we did it is so indicative of the fact that none of us have money You bought a bunch of Saying were rich You bought a bunch of fancy clothes out of a pile from a centaur named Randy.

At a flea market. At a flea market. Like actual fleas in the clothes, probably. And booked yourselves a room at the Sun Palace Hotel, the nicest hotel in McCall. You guys always go to the nicest hotel in town, which I think is funny. We go to the nicest hotel in town and then… You do not pay. We never pay and then immediately talk to the mayor. That's like our standard move. Yeah. Yeah. Take us to your mayor or the best hotel, whichever is closest to where we're standing right now.

The only reason you haven't been able to talk to the mayor of McCall is because it's a monarchy. Yeah, but we're on our way. Yeah. Knock, knock, knock. Can we see the Shah? No. Would you like to be executed? Ask again. Okay. Fair enough. Do we ask again? This is a trick question. Is this a riddle? This is a flashback to a thing that we actually did. And you're… You're continuing to talk as a man slowly pulls a sword out of a scabbard. Do you want to be executed? Ask again. Wait. Do we want?

Who wants to be… This is a trick question. Yeah. Who would ask again to be executed? Can the Shah come to us? And then smash cut to… As you guys are running through the door. And there's a cloud of dust behind you as the guards chase you. They want the war.

And then you guys went to go spread the rumor that you are extremely wealthy people visiting McCall by roughing up a seemingly innocent cart of a man named Stitches McGillicuddy, who was apparently given a rough time to your old friend, Randy the Centaur. And it worked. And you decided to lay in wait to spring your trap on the garden snake who crept into your room in the dark of the moon. The vibe here is that we're meeting our older sister's coolest friend. Yeah, pretty much.

The one that we have a crush on, but we don't know what that means. Or it's 2005 Pride and Prejudice. And Mr. Bingley's come to propose. What scene does he come in? Near the end, he comes. Near the end, he comes. And then he's like… When I come, too. And all the women are in the room. And he's like, actually, I've only come for Jane. Could you please give us a moment? Oh, man. Man, that's… I've got to watch this. Yeah, Jane Austen is erotic. If it's one thing, it is hot.

And what we left on was you catching a glimpse of the garden snake in the moonlight. And the very hint of an upturned ear. Oh, right. Oh, and some elf. And some tattoos. Oh, yeah. And she is dressed kind of like a mix between… Chung Li and Jasmine. And that is where we are now. What do you do? I went to shoot first. Okay, so shoot first. Just means you get to act first. But what are you doing? While Billy was waiting, he made a rope out of some of the really nice silk bed sheets.

And so he's going to try to lasso like a cowboy. Whoa. Eight plus two is ten. Okay, sick. So where are you throwing it around? I am throwing it around her neck. Whoa. Holy moly. And what are you doing once you get her? I'm going to yank hard to tighten it. Not so she dies. I just don't want her right away. Yeah. And then I'm going to throw the end to… Whose closest tuck? I'm in a closet. I'm under the bed. Okay, to Ving. Yeah, she throws her hands like up around her neck in surprise.

But you throw it to Ving. What does Ving do? I'm going to grab the end of the leash that Billy threw to me and say, Hey, you want to go for a walk? And then I run into the bathroom. I close the door. Okay. Removing yourself from the fight. I don't like this, but I just did it. I'm locking the sheet in the door and then tethering her in on the spot and holding it. As tight as I can. Okay. Roll 2d6 plus dexterity. If this moves, I just got to tether her in the spot.

Because right now she's just free to run around. Wow. 11 again. Holy shit. Okay. Okay, Brandon. So your plan is to stick the sheet in a door. Yeah. Slam it. Lock it. There's a window in the bathroom. We're going to jump out the window. Go into the other room. Here we go. The thing is when Ving ran through the bathroom and got the sheet in there, Perel is in the bathroom and he's like, Let me know if you need me. As you run through. He's not come out yet.

So she's like, as this is happening, like Tuck and Billy, you see her pull a knife out like a bejeweled dagger with a long silver blade and she starts cutting at the sheet. Whoa, whoa. Now. And I'm going to grab it. Okay. Yeah. Try it. 2d6 plus dexterity. 12. Fuck. Wow. So how does Billy get the knife out of her hand? Well, one, he's very impressed by the gems and it's mostly because he wants to have a better life. Pretty. Yeah. I just yank it out. What do you think you're doing?

And she's not talking. That's the thing is like she's on the job. So she's just trying to get out. She starts pulling at the sheet, like trying to rip it. Can I spend a cheat to come around? Because I can I cross the distance between yourself and a foe bypassing all obstacles and I come into the other room on the other side. Yeah. Boom. I come into the window blocking the window that she came in. Okay. What's Tuck doing this whole time? I've been waiting. I've been watching.

These guys were like fucking shit up. Wow. Billy's doing great. Yeah. Billy. Yeah. Yeah. They're doing a really handling this situation. I imagine Tuck was like too nervous to come out. He's just like so. Yeah. He was probably psyching himself out. That's why he's been in there. Hello. Hello. Hey. Hi. Here we go. Don't you steal from my friends. Piece of shit. Nice veil. Would you get it? The shit story. Hey, sick pants. They make you your legs look like. Fuck. Clowns. All right.

So he's going to try to kick the door of the wardrobe off of its hinges at her. Okay. Sorry. Are you single? Okay. So Tuck kicks the door off the closet to knock her down. Four plus straight. Yeah. Six. Okay. I can assist. Yeah. Somebody can assist for sure. What if Tuck kicks the door, but it doesn't he missed like it hits. It hits Ving and Ving kicks it back. Like what the fuck? And then it hits her. It hits her. I like that. It's like a volleyball. Yeah.

He just did this like elaborate parkour through the window around the side of a hotel up on the top floor. Yeah. And has into the thing and then a door almost hits him and then he like punches it into her. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Roll your aid. Two to six plus bond. Oh, wow. Ten. So roll your damage Ving. Holy shit. Yeah. She's like still struggling against the thing and then the door fucking. And nails her. You hear the first time that she makes noises like, oh, and like hits the ground.

But as she hits the ground, she flicks her hand out in Tuck's direction and you see you don't see what it is, but it hits you in the chest and you look down and there's a little feather dart sticking out of your chest. It's in my nipple. Oh, fuck. And then you feel a numbness start spreading across your chest. Oh, shit. Can I wait? There's a move. For poison? Yeah. Oh, his unbowed, unbent, unbroken. Can I just like, yeah. Cool. Read it off. You need glasses, dude. I just hate words.

When you prepare yourself to endure some hardship without fighting back, roll plus con on a hit you either take half damage or you can completely ignore one other I'll effect. Yeah. That's great. Two to six plus constitution. Nine. So you just you feel this numbness start spreading through your chest. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, oh, I need to slap the dart out. Yeah. And I was like, dude, not cool. That was my nip, man.

And as you guys are bantering, like making jokes and stuff, she is not stop moving like she's rolled onto her feet. She's like crouched on the ground. Now, I think I want to use one of my older moves. Is it war cry where you enter a battle with the show of force? I shout a rallying cry or a battle dance. I'm sorry. I should have read this. Oh, my God. A battle dance roll plus charisma on a ten plus your allies are rallied and take plus one forward. Your enemies feel fear and act accordingly.

All right. I'm going to do war cry. Okay. To try and just be like, stop. Stop trying to fight us. Yeah. Seven. Cool. So I pick up the wardrobe that I was in and I throw it at the like at the wall near her. I'm just like, stop. So, Billy, you're like moving towards her to try and restrain her. She's like, got this thing around her neck. Tuck throws a piece of furniture and you're looking at her one second and the next second where she was is a 30 foot long cobra. What the fuck? What? Yeah.

A snake. She's a shape shifter. Oh, my God. I'm so jealous. And the cobra, you see the black bands that look like tattoos along her arms running down the length of the cobra. Oh. And the snake starts whipping its head back and forth and comes loose from the silk sheet. And now there's just a big fucking cobra in the room. What do you do? Oh, my God. I have that knife. I'm going to stab its tail down. Yeah. Hell yeah. 12. Fuck yeah. So deal your damage. Two. Yeah.

You said you wanted to stab the tail into the ground. Yeah. Yeah. So you do that. There's like a huge hiss and then the cobra looks at Billy. Yeah. And starts to like try to get her. And then you try and lunge it, Billy. Yeah. Come at me. But I don't want it to. I leap over the physical distance over the obstacle and I'm going to deal my damage. Do like jump around, like use its neck like a pole. So I'll like swing around and use that momentum to try and pin her down to the ground. Cool.

So roll your damage. Four. Okay. You pin it down and it's being held down from two points now. It's got a knife in its tail and its head on the ground and it's really bucking back and forth. It's a big one, right? Look at that. You can feel that she's starting to lose energy, but you got like one more. Somebody's got to do one last thing basically to make sure that she can't fully get away. Shit. I want to roll it up. Yeah. Okay.

So I pull one of those huge pillows and I like, like shake it out and I take the pillowcase and I just like put the snake in it. That's what I want to do. Okay. Two to six plus strength. Six, seven, eight. Okay. Roll a two D 10. Eight. So you take like as you're scooping her up, the snake gets a big fucking chomp on your forearm. Okay.

And it hurts a lot, but you've already resisted that venom and you can feel it trying to take purchase in your bloodstream before you just like shake your hand out and you shove this snake in this big ass pillowcase really wriggling around. It closes the pillowcase and he ties it off and then he's like, fuck. Okay. Okay. So yeah, Tuck's got this huge snake like bucking around in this pillowcase. What are you guys doing? Teeth went all the way through I think. Oh no.

I want to talk to her as a snake. Oh, okay. Yeah. My snake tongue. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Full Slytherin. What do you say? I say, calm down. Stop fighting. We are only here for the spear. Okay. So the wriggling stops and then Tuck, you can feel like in that instantaneous change, the shape of the lump in the pillowcase changes. She's not like a big, big lump. Yeah. She's not fighting to get out anymore. You get the idea that she's not going to try and run off. I go, are you a lady again?

And you just hear from inside the pillowcase, put me down. I just dropped the bag. And she climbs out. She stands up, she brushes herself off and she looks at Ving. Why do you want my dad's spear? Your dad's spear? Yeah. My dad's spear. That spear belongs to my family. That spear belongs to my family. I got that spear from my father. That spear belonged to my father. That spear belongs to my father. Holy shit. Wait a second. What's going on? Say it at the same time. One, two, three. I'm hungry.

We have the same dad. Dad, I think I was thinking that too though. But also I can't think about this on an empty stomach. We've got room service. Yes. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. She's all excited. She's like waving her hands around. Okay. I'll be back in 45 minutes. Ving's rubbing his eyes like, okay, wait, what? I would like a grilled cheese sandwich and a vanilla milkshake and I'll be back in 45 minutes. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Really quick. Really quick. Really quick.

Really quick. Really quick. Really quick. Really quick. Really quick. Really quick. Promise? Yeah, I promise. Pinky promise? Okay, yeah. I promise that I'll be back in 45 minutes. Sick. And so she walks over to the open window, and she kind of sits on the windowsill for a second and looks at Ving and is like, this is exciting. And then she tilts backwards out the window, and she's gone. Dude, your sister's fucking hot. You just back off, Chuck. Not this one.

Perel opens the door and goes, what's going on? Ving has a sister. Ving has a secret sister. And she's a nine, easily. Maybe an eight. And you cut forward 30 seconds as you explain the whole situation. Okay. And you just believe that she's your sister right off the bat. Well, I mean, she's got pointy ears. I've got pointy ears. What else do you want? A lot. Like, so much. You understand that this would be like me telling Chuck that I'm his brother because we're both bald, right? Oh, my God.

Oh, Chuck, you have a brother? Bro! You are such a loser! This actually makes a lot of sense. This is worse than being an orphan. Fuck! You guys are idiots. You know, I know that you're idiots, but you think that I would expect you to be idiots at this point. This is crazy. This is really fucking with me, guys. What if she knows where my dad is? I thought I put that behind me. Do you not know where your dad is? No. I thought he was like a king or something. Yeah, but he's out. He's a raven.

He's a ranger king. Nobody knows where he is. Oh. When was the last time you saw him? I was just a kid. I was like 40. This might be an indelicate question, but when did your dad kill your mom? I know around the time. I know the season. It was in the winter. It was in the morning. I just turned 100 to you. So you were already like a druid at this point. Yeah, which is why I think I saw it. My mom being a druid, we were connected that way. I felt that part of me go.

She gave me the gift of seeing where she was going and why she was going there. Where did you get the spear? Did you take it? My mom had it. She used it for hunting. It was just in the house. It was just like a walking stick. I just thought she had carved it. I didn't know for a long time where it came from. It was just by the door in the hut. And I took it because it was useful. And I had attachment to it. I was drawn to it. I always liked it as a kid. Huh. Wow.

And we can cut forward to 45 minutes on the nose. The garden snake returns with the spear and is just like, this is nuts. So this was your dad's spear? Yeah, that's what my mom said. Wow. What was his name? His name was Nathaniel. Wow. Death for short. Oh, that's cool. That's so cool. Oh, man. Yeah, my mom never told me his name. Just that. Just that it didn't end well. It didn't end well between them. But nothing ends well with Nathaniel. I kind of sometimes I wish I asked her more questions.

But what's your name? I didn't think of her real name. Okay. Let's think of the name. Do that again. That's really funny. Shia. Shia. Oh, yeah. Perfect. Great. Who was your mom? And she like turns the spear over and she was she points at it. And she's like, Fatima. She was a she was a trader. She was a merchant. She went over that way across the sea a couple times. And one time she came back with me. You know how that how that goes sometimes. Right. You guys travel a lot.

You know what it's like. I'm a kid. Yeah. Not you. These three. I think I don't know. I don't have. You know what? We don't have to talk about. It's fine. Yeah. And she's just eating a grilled cheese sandwich. Wow. So you're like, I don't know. I don't know if I. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't believe you. Well, we're both. She points at her ears. We're both half Elvin. Yeah. We're both. I'm I can change. I can shape shift. Can you?

I've given it up. Gave it up. What do you mean? Gave it up. Then he flicks on a fire in his hand. I've moved on. Put it out. That's fucking so. That's so sick. Can you do a lot of that stuff? Yeah. Can I see some? Not right now. He's really sad right now. Wow. Why? Well, he took his spear. I lead. I want to lead in and be like, he kind of gets like really moody whenever his dad comes up because his dad killed his mom. Yeah.

And he's got a lot of dad issues because he also, his dad also didn't go to his mom's funeral. Yeah. And his. Mostly the dad killing my mom thing. Oh, sorry. Yeah. You're right. I, hey, if this, I feel. Is your mom still alive? No. You know. Did my dad kill her? No. No. No. I. I don't think that your dad, I don't think him killing moms is like part of his thing. Could have fooled me. I mean, from what my mom told me, he has had a lot of kids, but you know, elves live a long time. But.

There's more of us? Human. Apparently. You're the only one I've ever met. I wonder if there's some of these runes are other people's moms. I mean, there's a lot of stuff about like his life on here. Have you, can you read the runes? I know a few. I know my mom's name. Okay. Well, where's your mom's name? Ileana right here. Oh, Ileana. I was wondering about that one. Wait, you can read the runes? Yeah. Can you tell us some of the other people that Ving's dad fucked? It's not.

It's actually pretty useful information. There's like, there's like a couple other names on here, but I should be clear. It's not just like a fuck spear. Ving, that's what you call your dick is the fuck spear. Oh, this is embarrassing. You know, come for a circle. I, it's just, it's like, it's like a history thing, you know, like here, this one and she's like, oh, I'm a fuck spear. I'm a fuck spear. I'm a fuck spear. I'm a fuck spear. I'm a fuck spear. I'm a fuck spear.

She points and like, this is when he spent some time in Panusia. This is when he went to war against the king of all birds. Like it's that kind of stuff. I guess this is his way of thinking he can live forever. I guess the unbreakable part was his lineage. He spread his seed over the goddamn globe. Yes. And I, you know what? And she holds it out. If it's yours, it's yours. You know, I didn't mean, I just thought. She grabs the spear with her hands around and closes her hands.

And he says, it's ours. I got chills. Did you get chills? I got goosebumps. Look at this. I got chills. Even my scales got goosebumps. You're shape-shifting right now. Look at that. Look at that. That's so cool. Yeah. No, I, I just, I took it because I saw a spear that looked a lot like the spear my mom used to tell me about. And it had my mom's name on it. And I thought, well, yoink. Shia, who hired you? That's not really. That's not really.

That's not really the kind of thing that a thief is supposed to give up. Look, I'm a thief, obviously. Okay. And I'm a pretty good one. And we're family now. I don't know. Listen, if you're not going to share it with family, who are you going to share it with? Okay. I don't remember the name. I never got the name. It was like an in-between, but I do remember they smelled terrible. Just like, you know, like it just is in your mouth. It hurt. And Tuck has moved to the window.

He's silhouetted against the night sky. Oh my God. And he looks at the hearth from the window and he's like, oh, Phantom. Is he, is this a thing? Yeah, he does this. So yeah, I don't know. They offered me a not insignificant amount of money to just dig around in your shit. So that means Phantom knows that. We're in town now. And he knows where we live. Yeah. Did you tell him about us and what you found? She kind of grimaces a little bit. Oh no. It was the job. I'm so sorry.

What information did he want? They just wanted confirmation of the, of the people that lived in that apartment. Cause they got word, I guess, from the jackals about a real ragtag group of misfits. A huge dude with a really crazy ax, a little kid that was like fucking sharpshooting people and somebody throwing around. Elements like it was nothing. I guess that was you. Yeah. That's cool as hell. Oh my God. I wonder if cash is in danger. Oh no. Cash.

Can we come back to what cash is doing right now? He's just doing dishes and he's like da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da nothing dangerous around me here. I'm so glad I'm boring. I love to be a normal guy. A guy that just works in an office. Nothing bad ever happens to cash. Nobody tries to kill me ever. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. Picture. As two hands come around his head. From behind and a bag is over his eyes. Oh, no. Yeah, sorry.

They just wanted me to 100% confirm who the people there were, what they looked like. I'm so sorry. You understand, right? They paid me to do a thing and I did it. Yeah, we get it. I got a reputation to uphold. People give you five gold coins, you do whatever they say. Yeah, five. Okay. Wait, what do you get paid? What do you get paid? Five gold coins a day. Each? Her eyes go wide. Plus expenses. And you kill people for that much money? We'll do anything. We'll do whatever you want. Wow.

Like, we'll do hand stuff, we'll do mouth stuff. I feel… And in Tuck's mind, hand stuff is fighting and mouth stuff is talking to people. So he breaks down the jobs. Wow, you… Hey, we'll do foot stuff. But it costs a little bit extra. You guys got to work on your business acumen. What do you charge? Minimum? Yeah, 300 coins. Whoa. A day? It never takes me more than a day. Wow. Your sister's rich.

Anyways, if anybody knows that you've met me, that you've seen me and we talked, tell them that I was really cool and that I was very somber and emotionless. And that I had kind of like a… Like a dark, mysterious thing, okay? Is that cool? Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. Okay, thank you. Because like, you know, I've been around for a while. And if people know that I actually look and sound like this, they're not going to want to hire me.

Do the voice that you do when you're dealing with a client. Yeah, shape shift into your other persona. Yeah. Okay. And she puts her veil back on? I'll do… I'll pretend to be the client. Okay. And then he goes and he gets the orange bow tie he was wearing before. He just does it around his neck. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hello there. I would like to hire you to steal some stuff for me. Sure thing. But it's not going to be cheap. How much? Five billion gold coins. Oh my God.

Well, you're worth it because you're like Garden Snake. And I know that you're really good at stealing stuff. Here you go. And then Tuck starts to, in this fucking improv scene, mind-boggling. One, two, three. And you see him count for… For too long. Yeah. And to the point where you count five and she goes, yeah, so that's pretty much what I do. And Tuck is still like seven, eight, nine, ten. And in his mind, he's like, I'm just going to think I'm so smart. I can count so high.

Keep going, buddy. Keep going. So do you guys like where you live? I mean, we like it, but I think Cash hates it. Yeah, I think he hates it. And honestly, I have a feeling we're going to get kicked out pretty soon. I mean, even if you don't get kicked out. But some people are willing to pay a pretty penny to know where you are. So you're probably not going to want to go back. We do have to go into hiding. Oh, I'm already in hiding. Oh, you're in hiding? Wait, can we move in with you?

Well, I think that would probably be safest. Wait, where do you live? I hide out with the Siddell family. You live with the Siddell family? I do. The Viziers? Mm-hmm. Nobody knows. Nobody knows except for the Siddells. Whoa. I'm a lot older than I look. How old are you? I'm half… I'm 70. I'm 74. 74. And I look like this. She looks like 20. So if, you know, it'd be pretty obvious who the garden snake was if there was a noble that kept going out that was alive for like decades.

So they let me hide out with them. And do you like do jobs for them or what? They had a… No, they just, you know, they… My mom was a family friend. Oh. Yeah. And they decided after she died, they took me in. How did she die? She was a human mom. Half elf kid. Aw. Yeah. But they're really nice to me. They don't know I'm the garden snake. So don't mention that. But if I said I have some friends who need a place to hide out, they'll let you hide out. Yeah. Oh, boy.

And probably that other guy, too. That'd be fun. And Baldy over there. Oh, yeah. Perel. How's the bisque? There's so much lobster in here. Cool. Just an incredible amount. Oh, it's just chules, actually. Chules? Chules. Chules. Chules. And he does that thing where he goes, blah. And he lets it roll off his tongue back into the bowl. So I assume that you guys are going to your apartment now to get all your shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So I wonder if there's any concern with it potentially being under surveillance. Like if there's people watching. Should I do trap expert? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Perfect. Great. Sweet. 2d6 plus dexterity? Dexterity? Yeah. Eight. Okay. Cool. Is there a trap here? And if so, what activates it? It's like morning now. And the regular crowd has started to filter out onto Abu Dib Road. And you do see a couple unfamiliar faces at the cafe across the street. Whoa, guys. Who are they? Take a look.

But don't look. Don't make it obvious that you're looking. Just like, but three o'clock. One, two, three. One, two, three. Wait, do I go to my left or my right? It's to your right, you guys. Have you? Yeah. Yeah. Do you not know how to read a clock still? One, two, three. So, and. Your right or my right? Now, Bing and I are just staring into each other's eyes. Fine. I'll look. Okay. So, there's figures, unfamiliar. They're wearing robes. And they're sitting in our favorite spot. Yeah.

They're just like sipping hot drinks and eating pastries, but like looking at your apartment a lot. Okay. Maybe we should take the back entrance and don't turn on any lights. And you're looking around. And you're like, okay, guys. And Shia, who was with you, is gone. Oh. And when she decided that she was going to come out with you, she takes her hair down when she's on the street and she covers her ears so people don't know that she's a half-elf.

And she wears like sleeves to cover up her tattoos. Classic self-loving elf. So, like Princess Jasmine? Yeah. It's like Jasmine in the market kind of thing. Yeah. She's covering up all her identifying features. And you're watching these, you're looking at these dudes at the cafe and you notice the one closest to. The road that it turns down, like leans back and looks down the road and signals to the person that he's sitting with. And they both walk down the street away from your apartment.

Oh, geez. Do we see what he looked at? No. Out of sight. But the surveillance is gone? Yeah. And Billy is pretty good at watching people that are watching things. And they weren't like, oh, we're being asked to come over here and provide information. They're more like, what the fuck is that? Right. We got to investigate. Guys. Okay. Quickly. Let's go up. Yeah. Okay. They're gone. Go get our shit. Defy danger dexterity. Oh, nice. 11. Six. 11. So does anybody want to aid Tuck? I'll aid.

You're on your own, pal. Oh, okay. How's Billy helping Tuck? Tuck is still looking the other way. Still looking for the guys. And I just grab his arm. I'm like, Tuck, I said this way. We're going to the apartment. Look at all over the place. He's like, who is it? It's two old ladies. Are they fucking watching us? Are you three o'clock? Call 11. Nice. I see a rooster coming down the street. I was like, is it that rooster? It's not the rooster. Just come on. And I don't trust that rooster.

Billy's the rooster. Go run. Billy, get out of here. I'll hold him off. So Billy pulls me away from a potential confrontation in the middle of the street with a chicken. A chicken. Yeah. Yeah. And so you get into your apartment pretty safely. And Perel's like, okay. I'm going to go get my stuff. And he runs to his apartment. And you go into your apartment. And yeah, something seems off here. Where's Cash? It's his day off. Where is Cash? He's not in the apartment. That is one thing you know.

Discern realities. Yeah. Can we discern realities further? Yep. I start sniffing around and asking the walls. 26 plus wisdom. Man. Oh, yeah. Nice. 10. Okay. Three questions. What happened here recently? The first thing that you notice is you hear what sounds like a babbling. Brooke. And you notice water coming from under the bathroom door. Water. What happened? Fuck. Right. Oh, sick. God damn it. You don't often talk to elements. I forget about that. I'll leave them alone.

And the water's like, I was preparing to administer to this fine gentleman's aches and pains. And as I had just filled the cistern to brimming, he never entered and he never stopped the flow. I'm full of delicious Epsom salts right now. Rose oil. It's hard to cut off water. It doesn't use punctuation. Yeah. It just flows. Run on senses. Rose oils, fine salts and minerals to ease the aches of the day and wash away the dust of life. Did you have pale hands in you? I did. What happened to them?

They tested my temperature and found me too cold. So they warmed me up. And from there, nothing. I miss the gentle. Touch. I'm trying to think of more weird. Jessica's giving me the stretch it out. Yeah. The gentle touch, the warm oils from his hands mingling with the scented oils in my body. How long ago were the hands in you? I do not know the flow of time. Simply the flow of energy. But it was a while. I'd say I'm about 62 degrees. Yeah. Yeah. About 14 degrees ago. Yeah.

Like however long it takes to fill a bathtub and then have the water run out of the bathroom into the room across the hall. Yeah. We can figure that because of how many times we flooded the apartment. And usually it takes like two hours to get to the door. Yeah. It was already at the door. So I'd say about two hours ago. Oh, geez. I love. Yeah. No, we flooded the apartment tons of times. We know exactly how long it takes. Yeah. Floor's all warped. Yeah. So probably a couple hours ago. Shit.

Okay. Okay. Where do you think they took them? I know not. I know where I. I'm not talking to you, water. Well, you have two more discern realities. Yeah. You have two more. Okay. Who's in control here? It's such an easy clue, but it's so funny to me. Tuck, you walk in and you're immediately like Fatim. The smell. Yeah. He was definitely here. You smell the gasoline kind of smell that he has. And then you also smell just like the bully musk that you were.

So he used to from getting your ass kicked as a kid. He's in total flight or fight mode now. Yeah. It's just every muscle in his body is bulging. Yeah. He's just. It's like you don't even see him grab the axe off. It's just in his hand. Whoa. Fatim's here. Fatim was here and he's here. He's here coming out. He's coming for us. So it was definitely the light guard. I like that. He actually has axe body spray. Like we never put it. It's good. It's axe body. Body spray. Yeah. And holy shit.

It's really funny. It smells fucking awful. And maybe he after he fought Tuck because Tuck had the axe and he had that like flaming maze. Yeah. And Tuck ruined it. Maybe Fatim stole the axe idea and was like, I'm going to make a flaming axe now. Yeah. Totally. Axe is my thing now. Yeah. I'm the axe guy in McCall. That's great. Yeah. So when he heard that there was someone else in McCall with an axe, he was like, Tuck. Tuck's here. He's here. You're not.

That's the stupid logic that these two idiots use. It's like the last person I saw with an axe was Tuck. So it's definitely. It's got to be him. Yeah. So it was definitely the light guard and it was a couple hours ago. Okay. What's about to happen? So you're standing around for a little bit and somebody comes in through the roof and it's just Shia. Oh, don't do that. Tuck is so on it. You smash the ladder. Yeah. He immediately is just like, and he like, just.

Just breaks the wall again that he smashed before. Cash's other favorite poster. Yeah. Fuck. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Big guy. Calm down. Okay. So I took care of those two. They were light guard for sure. I felt kind of bad after I whooped their asses, but they were just going to give you guys this. And she holds up a folded letter. I'll read it. I open it. And it's basically like. We have your friend. We have your friend. Meet us. Yes. Outside. The tetherball stadium. The tetherball stadium.

At midnight. At midnight. Don't bring weapons. Signed by. It's not signed by anybody, actually. You smell the whiff of gasoline upon the parchment. I smell it. And I'm like, Fatum. Fatum. And I turned to Shia. I'm like, did you see a giant guy who was like me, but mean? No, no, no, no. Just those two dweebs. Okay. Do you know Fatum? Oh, big guy. Smells like. Oh, it was. That was him. The guy that hired me. Wait. What? Fatum hired you? Yes. I told you that. Oh, right. Yeah, that's right.

I gave you all this information already. Sorry. So his name's Fatum. Why does he smell like that? It sucks. Okay. He has like an accelerant in his mace that like. Mace. Yeah. He's like a giant mace that he like fights people with. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure he had an ax. Whoa. Did he copy you? He took your thing. That fucking piece of shit. I'm the ax guy in this city. In this podcast. Are you guys going to meet this dude tonight? I guess so.

If we have to. Okay. Wait. Are we meeting Fatum? There's no way he's going to show up on his own. Yeah. Absolutely not. Okay. I guess we have to go to the tetherball courts tonight then. Do you want me to come to the tetherball courts? No. Not with him knowing that. But yeah, we could use some secret backup for sure. I could kind of watch from the rooftops. Sure. Do my thing? Yeah. Cool. Oh, I got it. Yeah. No, I got you. I've got a… I got a… I hit you with my… Ha. I hit you with my dart.

Yeah? Yeah. In my nipple right here. And I bit the shit out of you too. Yeah. Really hurt. And it didn't do anything? I guess not. I mean… Wow. It's pretty tough. Cool. I am in a bulk phase right now though. And I have been eating a lot of… Oh, right. And he goes and grabs more containers of protein powder. They're all gone. What? They've all been stolen. You find a light dusting… No! That's a good protein powder! He's gonna be huge when we see him.

That son of a bitch is copying my bulk phase. Tuck doesn't really understand how human metabolism works at all. No, absolutely not. He's just like, I need to be a bit stronger today. Well, I'll eat some of this. No. Okay, well, I mean, it works on most people. So I'll bring some darts and I'll bring my blowgun and I'll watch from the rooftops in case you need any help. That's great. Cool. Bring this beer. I already gave it to you. I gave it to you. And I give it back to you. I take it.

I give it back. We can't show up with weapons. What? Did it say that? And she takes the letter and she goes, oh yeah, no, down here it says don't bring weapons. Okay. Okay, well, we'll just hide. Yeah. So obviously… If you come unarmed, it'll look like you're at the disadvantage. But if you got me watching from the rooftops with my blowgun, you will be at equal footing probably. Yeah. Here. And I take Terry and Larry and Chad off my back. And I'm like, can you take this?

And then if I need it, throw it to me. Okay. Yeah. I'll take all your stuff and I'll find a way to get it. I'll hide it nearby. Okay. I give you my handful of rocks. She's just holding them in her hand. Okay. And she puts them in a pouch. Oh, and I feel like this goes without saying, don't tell anybody that I can turn into a giant snake. Please don't tell anybody. Your secret's safe with us. Okay. I see what you did there. Don't do that again. I find that extremely offensive. Whoa.

It's like the N word for snakes. That long ass. Okay. All right. I'll be there. You won't see me. Wink, wink. But I'll be there. Thanks. Okay. Wait, can we decide on a code word that if I say it, then you throw me the X because it means I need it? I'm going to be pretty high up because you're going to have to yell it. I'll yell it so loud. It pretty much yells everything. Do you want me to throw it to you or do you want me to hide it where you're going to be? I want you to throw it to me.

I feel like it would be cooler. Look, if it kind of just like fell into my hands, it's going to be so heavy. I turn to these guys. I'm like cooler, right? If it falls into my hands. Totally. Yeah. You know the cooler move. Yeah. It's going to be cooler if it just falls into my hands. Oh, my God. It's going to be cooler if it just falls into my hands. Can you also throw my rocks because it'll also be cooler. I feel like you guys aren't appreciating how hard it is to leap from rooftop to rooftop.

I think I have an idea. And at the right time, I want you to gently place the spear in my hand as from nowhere. Okay. I'll do. I'll work on it. Okay. Thank you. Okay. What's the code word, guys? One, two. Say it at the same time. One, two, three. Baklava. Go go gadget weapons. Yeah. Baklava. Baklava. That makes more sense. Okay. Baklava. I'll listen for Baklava. And I guess I'll be above you. Yeah.

Just be close enough that you can hear, but not close enough that they can see you, but close enough that you can throw all of our weapons at the same time to us so that they just land in our hands so we can fight. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I just need you to be. You need to meet them. So at the tetherball courts, have you been there before? I have. Okay. Yeah. So, you know, like Centaur Boulevard. Yes. So, Centaur Boulevard. And then there's Brazier Alley.

Yeah. Meet them in Brazier Alley. Okay. I can do that. Okay. I'll be above you. I'll be ready to go. Oh, this is exciting. Thank you. I'm doing a team operation with my bro and his friends and a little kid. Yay. Hey, that's your nephew. Oh, my nephew. My nephew. Yeah. But I didn't come from like his penis. Oh, okay. Oh, like. Oh. And she looks at Vang and Tuck and she's like, oh, that's really. Okay, cool. This is sweet. I like, man, instant family, you know, like this.

Adele's have been like a family to me. But now you're like, actually, family. Fuck. Yeah. I like it. And she's just like, okay, get the fuck out of here. Go, go, go. Go. Here we go. We go to the Tetherball Stadium. And you bump into Perel as you leave the door. And he goes, they took my journal. What journal? They took my journal. The journal that had all your, like, memories in it? No, we gave that one to. Oh, wait. And she's like, wait, which one did we give? Which one did we give Margani?

Oh, that was the one that you made with Aquaria. They might have took the one full of my memories. Oh, no. Shit. It's gone. Everything's gone. They took everything. They took all my hats. They took all my mustaches. Why the fuck would they want those? Just don't fuck with us. But they know that I'm a wizard. Fathom does. Oh, no. He doesn't care that my magic's gone. What are they going to do with your memories? I don't know. They're going to find a way. Don't worry, Perel.

We're going to get back because we're supposed to meet them tonight. Really? Yeah. And we're going to fight. And we're going to get back your diary. Okay. I should not be there, right? No. Yeah, for sure. Okay. All right. Definitely in the way. Hey, Billy, do you still have the little guy in your hair? Oh, yeah. Oman? I just pull him out. He's on my finger. Reep, reep, reep. Can somebody tell him that I need to hide out in the library? Oh, sure.

And his little paper wings unfurl and he goes, flies away. Okay. So that's where I'm going to be. I'm going to hide out in the library. And you send word. When? When? It's safe. Good luck. Good luck, Perel. Good luck. I kiss him on the cheek. I kiss him on the top of the head. I awkwardly stand there like not sure if I should hug him or not. So we cut to the Tetherball Stadium, the sports district. There are some like late night games happening.

There's some rowdy folks on the street like, you know, drunk soccer hooligans basically yelling, making a big show of being out here. Did a game just finish? Yeah. One's like getting out. And one's supposed to start like late night. Those are the ones where all bets are off. Tuck is like looking at the like the cards outside the stadium to see like who's playing. So who are the two people that are in the next boat? Bone Crusher. Who's like a new hot Tetherball player. And Ironfoot. Ironfoot.

He's a player. He's got two peg legs that are made out of iron. Sick. Two metal sticks for legs. Yeah. And he it said that he lost both his legs playing Tetherball. Yeah. And he never stopped playing. She's rough sport. And I'm like, Billy, this is going to be a good bout. What? Billy's looking at a food cart. He's not even paying attention. What? No, nothing. Never mind. There's a guy roasting like walnuts in their shells. Yeah. Wow. I smell so good. Yeah. So hungry. Yeah.

I'll get you some of those walnuts, bud. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And you hear in the distance, bong, bong, several more times. It's midnight, 12 times. Night noon. The noon of the moon. And you hear from behind you, what's up, you chunky monkey? And I whip around. And there's a cloaked figure, hood pulled low over his face.

Darkness surrounding him. You look better like that. Yeah, I thought so too. Yeah, it hides your stupid face. Whoa, it's that little kid. I hate that kid. He stabbed like four people last time I saw you. Totes. And I'll do it again. So, you're in town, huh? Yeah, we came back. When did you get into town? I don't have to tell you anything. You don't even know who I am. You can't see my face. I can smell you. I smelt you like 20 minutes ago. When you got off the tram, you smell like shit, man.

No, you don't know who I am. Look at my cloak. It's pulled so low over my face. Okay, let's all say it at the same time who this is. One, two, three. Fadum. God, fuck. And he pulls his head down. Okay, whatever. Fine. And you see like the pole of his weapon sticking up over his shoulder. Your pole is showing. That's not all that's going to be showing. You want to see the head, big boy? Jesus. That was not. Jesus, man. No. Put it away, Fadum. I'm a fucking kid. I'm not here. I'm nine.

What's wrong with you? He's disgusting. Hey, fuck you. That's not what this is about. Where's our roommate? Oh, don't worry. He's somewhere safe. Where? And he's like, I'm not going to tell you that. But he is looking to the side. Is he here? Did you bring him? No. Why would I do that? Okay, Cash. Cash. Yeah, I'm here. I'm here. Shut that fucking guy up. Are you okay? Okay, look. You want this guy back? You got to come with us. What? Why? We want the wizard.

And we want you all to stand trial for what you did. Aiding and abetting a dangerous magician. I'm not going anywhere. Yeah, we're not coming with you. We're just going to take our friend and go. Oh, you think so, huh? You think it's just me here? Well, guess what, buddy? I got you right where I want you. And you hear footsteps as four members of the light guard, nameless, faceless, fill in the alley behind you. And four more arrive out of doorways in the alley behind. Fathom.

Good old fashioned. And I spit a walnut into his mouth. As he's talking. All right. Good old fashioned. 26 plus dexterity. I'm going to use the good dice because I want this to work. Six. Oh, fuck. I will aid. Okay. Well, what were you at? I got six. I got six plus dexterity is six. I pat you on the back really hard. Yeah. Okay. Gives a little more oomph. All right. Two to six was bond. Seven. Seven. Perfect. Seven. Okay. Yeah. So you're just like good old fashioned.

And he spits it onto the ground. He goes, all right, fine. And he reaches up and grabs his weapon, pulls it off his back. And it's a big, like brass axe with holes in the side and like holes along the edge of it. And he grabs the back and twists it. And the whole thing lights on fire. We could have talked about this before I whooped your ass. But now I'm going to whoop your ass. We only have. One thing to say to you, piece of shit. Yeah. What's that? What's that supposed to do?

And you all stand there with your hands outstretched and nothing happens. Thing. Your sister fucked us. And that's where we're going to end it for this week. I'm your game master, Sean O'Hara. Joining me as always playing Tacoma Dome, the barbarian, Abdul Aziz. So long. Playing Ving, the half elf druid, Paul Oppers. Bye bye. And playing Fat Billy, the halfling thief, Jessica. Good night. Good night. Thanks to Aaron Reed for our incredible, heartwarming, soul-wrenching intro and outro music.

And thank you to all of you, our wonderful supporters who support us in a way that supports our hearts and souls. You can find us online at Spellore most places, including patreon.com slash Spellore. Thanks a lot, everybody. Goodbye. And so ends the tale of adventures three who tried the best they can. Though dumb and scared and lost they be. For time's abreast in revelry. And though our journey may be like a conclusion. We will not leave you without a resolution.

Return next week to hear some more whilst you commute or do your chores. And free. You are gladly Spellore. So when do you want to do the gift? Oh, yeah. We should do it now. Let's do the gift. Gift first? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh my God, Jessica. What? That was a little gift. Gift. She got so excited. She barfed a little bit. Sorry. Don't barf on a gift. I haven't had much to look forward to except for this. Like this whole week. Not a gift, I mean. Okay. So this gift is from…

We got a gift from a listener. Oh, thank you, listener. Look, it says Spellore on it. A listener named Brendan from the company Fantasy by Numbers was kind enough to send us a box. So exciting. To our PO box, which we do have. Yeah. And the address is, if you want to send us stuff. 1013-2480 East Hastings Street, Vancouver, BC. Victor 5, Kansas 1, Zulu 1. Man, no one's going to get that. No. That's pretty standard. What the fuck? That's pretty standard phonetic stuff.

I know, but it was the first one. I think it's PO Box 1013, and then the address is 2480 East Hastings Street. Oh, I see. I don't know how to send stuff to PO boxes, so I… That's it. That's all you do. 10… Ah, fuck. Whatever. Just send it to PO Box. Just fucking send us a message if you want the address, and we'll send it to you in a text. You know what? Just send it to PO's box. 54 Hampton Road, Vancouver, Victoria. Who's that? Who's that? Me, Paul Uppers. Oh, Paul Uppers. Okay. All right.

I'm going to try it again. Send it to 1013-2480 East Hastings Street, Vancouver, BC, V5K1Z1. There we go. I think that one… I think… We're putting all these in. Jessica, we… The whole thing's going to go in. Jessica, can you please give us a thing? Yeah, one from Jessica. She's got a nicer voice. No, I don't. Do a read. Send to… Send to Spoutlor. Jesus. What? Wow. There's spit on your leg. Wow. We're jumping on Jessica here. We're jumping on Jessica here, guys. Yeah.

So I'm the only woman and everyone's interrupting me and telling me how to say the address right. Ugh. Oh, so sorry. Send it to 1013-2480. Sorry, there's a hyphen between those. Just listen back. East Hastings Street, Vancouver, BC, V5K1Z1. Cool. I think that was the only Z. Zend his presence. I think we all said Z. I said Z. I love saying Z. Can't get enough of it. I didn't even say the postal code. So helpful. Send to East Hastings, Vancouver, BC. You'll get to us. Yeah.

My dad still, when he's talking on the phone to customer service representatives, he still uses military phonetics. It's so fun to make up your own. So I can hear… I can just hear him like, okay, so the number is 2555 Victor Kilo Zebra. I was like, dad. Stop calling in bomb. I'm ready. Zulu Hotel Charlie. Jesus Christ, man. Cool. Okay. Yeah. Let's open this fucking thing. Okay. Everybody grab an edge. There's four corners. There's four flaps. Here we go. Paper. Open the paper. Oh. What?

Whose is whose? Oh. It's a variety is what they sent. They're eggs. Yeah. They're dragon eggs. They look like little mini versions of the eggs from Game of Thrones. There's dice inside? And they're dice. Oh my God. They sent us dice too. Whoa. This is sick. This. Oh, and they're magnetic. They're magnetic. Yeah. The tops are magnetic. That's how they look. Oh my God. Listen. Oh. It's the magnets. So what they are is they're 3D printed dragon eggs for holding your dice. Dude, who?

Look at yours is blue. Did we all pick the one we want? I told him I wanted unicorn colors, which I think… That's unicorn colors. That's unicorn colors. I don't get to use dice because I'm the game master. But you still get to keep one. These dice are fucking pretty. Oh my God. So I'll keep these ones if people don't want them. Didn't I get one that was Taylor and Chad colored? Yeah. Oh yeah. Is that this one? That's like copper and… No. That one. I think it's this one.

It's like copper and purple. And then yours is the amethyst. Oh, and one of them… Wait. There's also this one. Oh, there's another one. That one's like his hands. Wait. Why didn't he send five? One of them is supposed to be like cerulean depths as well. Oh my God. Oh, sick. I think this is cerulean depths. This one is the Ving one. Oh yeah. Is that one the Ving one? Yeah. Man. Brandon. She got so mad. I'm sorry. I just… Oh, so the 140 year old in the group is jumping all over. I'm sorry.

Jessica, that's the only time your channel's ever peaked in five years. Fucking Brandon. What did I say? Brandon? Yeah. Brandon from Fantasy by Numbers. Check him out online, I guess. Oh my gosh. He's kick ass. Yeah. This is awesome. We'll take a picture. Oh. Yeah. White ones. Come dice. Yes. Well, no. Gross. I'm sorry. What were you guys thinking? I was going to say, because he was… He was talking about how he wanted…

He wished that he had Mother of Pearl 3D printing stuff, but the dice are Mother of Pearl. Oh, sick. Oh my gosh. That's so cool. He's so nice. This fucking rules. I'm so pumped about this. That's awesome. I haven't gotten new dice in like five years easy. Are we using these today? Might as well. Yeah. Yeah. Look at these ones, guys. Wow. Oh my gosh. Those are so pretty. Paul, what are yours like? They are blue and purple. Oh. Amethyst. Oh, yeah. Oh my God. Awesome. They're stunning.

These ones are really cool too. This is sick. This fucking rules. Give me your bubble wrap. Man, it really honestly sounds like I'm playing it up for like ad purposes. I'm not. I'm so excited. We're not getting paid. This is fucking sick. We got paid huge. Look at this. Yeah. This is money in the bank. This is payment. These are dragon eggs. Yeah. You know how much we could sell these on the fantasy black market? No. Five dollars probably. No. I think he charges… Actually a lot more.

Oh, really? Well, I should hope so. They're like high quality. Man. This is really nice. Thank you, Brandon. Yeah, this is really nice. Thank you. Thank you so much. Brandon. Brandon, I said. Oh, right. Yeah. Oh my God. Those mother of pearl dyes are nice. I know. He was so nice because he was like, what would you guys like? And I was like, well, let me tell you. Look at this mint. I want impossible colors. I would like… I'm open to anything, but also I'm very picky. That's just… That's…

That's my favorite thing about Jessica. She always says, no, I'm good with anything, but she's one of the most particular people I've ever met. He also sent them twice. Yeah. They got lost or something like that. He sent them last Christmas and they got lost. Yeah. He sent them again. Very sweet. Somebody out there has got our dice and you enjoy them because these are awesome.