Episode 12 – Salutations

Hi everyone, it's Fat Billy here. Thanks for coming, listen to our podcast. If you want more podcasts, you can go to patreon.com slash spoutelore, where you can give us some money. And I like money, so I can buy snacks. You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring. So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing. Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight.

Fingers half-elf, he shifts his shape and wields a spear with great might. Billy's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart. Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts. So gather around. Gather around friends and listen close, for the tale's about to start. Hi, I didn't see you. Oh, hi. Oh, hello. Hello. When last we left our heroes, they had been received of the present. What's going on over here? What's going on over there? I did not even see you.

Welcome. It's a good day for a podcast. I like this guy. Who's this mysterious stranger? This is the opposite. Instead of BORN. My name. Oh, my name? You're not stalling, are you? No. My name. Beef. Beef? Beef. Can't believe Abdul yelled at me for 15 minutes that we were late in our recording. That we were taking too much time. You do it. You do it. Abdul is just screaming at Jessica. Yeah. At me only. Only. Only. Only. We were all in the room too, but he was just giving it to Jessica.

We kept trying to go in front of him and he'd push us down and keep screaming at Jessica. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. Beef. I'm kidding. Sorry. Well, it's because you knew that you had to spend 15 minutes introducing us to Beef. Beef. Beef. You had to get us back on track. Can you say his name again? Boo. Wait, it was like, B-E-E-F. Yeah. Boo. Boo. Boo. I didn't hear that. Turning the word beef into four syllables. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef.

Your last name sounds like your beard touching the microphone. Well, here's the thing is apparently I was too rude last episode. Oh my God. This is the new me. It wasn't just you. Wow. Yeah. Jessica looked at Paul. Oh, I've never been squirted by Jessica.

Suck it w we're getting started early no no no this is the show now no it's not I mean it's always been the show I'm not gonna make a single rude joke this episode that cannot be just intellectual jokes I'm gonna take my vulgar and put it back in myself I'll take the v and put it back in the p yeah all right when last we left our heroes I'm just gonna read excerpts from infinite jest I hope everyone enjoys that great triple experts when last we left our heroes they had received the presence of a one oman the bookworm who had been sent away months in game and one full human year ago from the isle of hibernia to answer some questions about the iliana's vings potential parentage the history of wizards creating life I will say it was not months because things gash has like oh right yeah it's under two months yeah it's like a month then a month wait yeah we're halfway through are we halfway through the gash we're coming up on it yeah yeah I forgot about that gash yeah yeah it's good to remember oh there's a society of people that want me dead yeah those are the stakes for sure I forgot about stakes but you know who didn't forget about stakes was tacoma dome who took himself to an all you can eat pizza palace in his mind oh yeah in an attempt to translate the librarian shorthand that far margani had returned upon the wings of oman we went to tux a mind pizza palace to find him surrounded by yet again versions of himself in a variety of roles and disguises including master librarian far margani tuck and through a series of roles successful and not we learned that the ranger attack on the island of hibernia and the death of iliana was also politically motivated as iliana had pushed a little too hard at the time to try and rebalance the power between the vox populi and the vox silvi the vox populi as represented by the court of the wood did not like that so a number of people wished her dead which is saying it now a shocking revelation as we believed that it was primarily a tragic falling out between dathaniel and iliana but was in fact a politically motivated assassination yeah that dathaniel was forced to take part in yeah pretty fucked up yeah pretty screwed up and it was also dathaniel's sister that forced him to do it yes we were introduced to vings and solara van kieran queen of the sun peaks and de facto queen of the great forest who was suspiciously absent at the arrest and imprisonment of the party ving wanted to know about the history of wizards creating life which we learned is suspiciously absent from the writings of wizards of the time generally accepted to be impossible through thaumaturgy you said it was the holy grail yeah if anyone were to figure it out it would be one of the largest magical innovations of the era well also I thought you said that like biologically they could biologically they can have kids right but they can't create life oh via magic I see or at least that was the thought at the time but there are no written records of anyone ever having achieved that I think it's also like creating a nuclear bomb essentially because if they can create life then hypothetically they can create like as many wizards as they want yeah whereas if they're like beholden to like a biological process to make kids you can't choose that your kid is a wizard just like you have a regular kid because it's like the universe basically chooses yeah exactly any wizard that has a kid that is a wizard is like a billion to one chance yeah then we also learned iliana translates to mother bear and that that family that clade of bear shapeshifters were basically tasked with the spiritual guardianship of the island of hibernia and its connection to the spiritual realm supposedly also tending to the great bear that slumbers beneath the island which led to yeah billy discovering this tied up poem on oman's body written by a fairy many many many years ago which read chains broken became chains forged when moon threw off her yoke father knight was cast away to walk among the folk which the party interpreted as the gibbous man being a chained unwillingly to the material plane and tuck interpreted as lillian having chained the gibbous man as punishment for his transgressions in the past and that if he has changed the material plane as an aspect of a god then he must in some way be vulnerable and that is where we find ourselves now the party aggressively coming out of this state of having read for an entire episode my back hurts so much my legs are numb and my eyes are blind oh my god it's like I was looking at instagram on the toilet for four days all of our legs are as you all make that giant groan at the same time elman goes oh and knocks over an easel on which he'd been painting a watercolor why am I wearing a bonnet and nothing wrong with it but oh I I I'm so sorry that I um I had to observe it was quite quite exhilarating how many drawings did you make there's a drawing of us as dogs playing poker what what I wanted to fill the time but I didn't want to interrupt your process what happened what is this creature it's a bug yes I see that it is a bug it's a bookworm they live at the library in mccall they use them for like categorization we've been using this guy to send messages back and forth billy's like I don't know if we're allowed to say that I think fair is gonna be mad fuck shit you're right god damn it you can you can trust me I swear you can trust me this this specimen comes from the great margani library of mccall the specimen traveled from the great tree of knowledge and then to the library and then has come return to the tree of knowledge and as you say he traveled from the tree to mccall back to here you hear elman go yeah because he you guys wouldn't stop moving around oh my god oh my god he probably went every where that we've been he did yeah he had to find the goblins oh my god the little muscles around his wings are jacked his shoulders buddy he's wearing a white tank top fucking shredded now he's got a little thing of creatine powder I have to have this gotta refuel right now he's a foam rolling and took is actually just like flipping him over trying to find more messages he's like I'm sure maresh had some but something on here for me a little something for me how do I know if she's up oh god trying to figure out if that girl's up you know what I mean you keep flipping oman over and after like after you flip him over and he like flips back onto his legs and unfurls his wings and starts like vibrating a little bit like and then he slowly begins to like molt whoa what and the wings that had been written on by far like well they fall off yeah and now he's got like fresh little dewy paper wings underneath and a fresh carapace oh my god okay I gathered those wings keep them safe yeah and he curls up his wings re inserts them into his body wraps himself back up and then squeaky squeaky starts crawling towards billy again I pick him up and I put him in my hair yeah he squeaks right in there where you want to go there's so many other worms in billy's hair I know I can't keep track you guys do have two yeah I know but I've also been collecting worm pets as we go just worms just other worms in your hair it's a real problem they blend in really well with his curls you think they do it's just full of fucking worms it's really gross we're like we have to get him shampoo special shampoo for that he refuses to he says it's goo and doesn't want to let it touch him so what did you learn blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah my word we tell him everything and he reacts okay and now we're back in the present wow what a theater of the mind we've created I mean like I have thought of a lot about we don't need to rehash every piece of information every time but he goes I I just have to say this has been quite exhilarating watching you three adventurers of great renown investigate your mystery has been I cannot even say we need to get this guy out he places a hand on his chest leave the garden yeah no I could not I couldn't possibly are you not allowed to leave well no of course part of my sworn oath to the order is that I will I will remain here under the bows of the great tree until I become one with its roots wait what when I die I will be interred beneath the tree as the garden is before me has it always been like that it has yes part of part of the symbiosis of of life in the great forest is that the gardeners learn from the tree we absorb that knowledge we return to the earth and the tree recycles that information but of course I hope that the tree is in much better health by the time I expire I mean wouldn't you want to if you're going to give it knowledge wouldn't you need to go collect knowledge to give back to the tree maybe that's part of the problem is it it's just been a echo chamber of knowledge for so many years there's a whole wide world out there there's so many stories being told have you ever heard of lone tree hill about two brothers playing a basketball game betraying each other he's just trying to be what they've trying to be lately it sounds quite thrilling but I fear my place might be here although I will say that the the great outdoors does feel quite tempting from time to time well let me tempt you further big boy and we slide him a copy of love it is dog and quite stiff are we doing a role to like get him to rebel I don't know maybe I guess yeah defy danger charisma we want to like inspire with him a hunger that will get him to do whatever the fuck we need yeah and also I feel like to protect himself at some point because like what if someone finds us and then poor elman gets in trouble and like I don't want him like sitting there like a little duck yeah it's true yeah give him the like the wings to fly yeah we're gonna be the wind beneath your wings dude and then I blow in his face his long golden elf hair blows behind him and he closes his eyes and he imagines a life out beyond the walls of the cloister that's right imagine yourself on a ship wind blowing in your hair the sea smells worse than I imagine the sea smells exactly like salami uh if are you saying that when you leave you'll take me with you I mean if you want okay this is a parlay now okay who's rolling it tuck I mean tuck is leading the combo so okay plus charisma 10 okay nice oh I I can't believe it perhaps perhaps I will leave this place one day I swear to the three of you and he drops to a knee he puts a hand on his chest I will do whatever you require of me in this quest to heal this tree I accept your oath so it is and so it shall be rise for you are no longer elman of the tree you are elman of the wandering three whoa whoa oh oh oh start slow clapping yeah and he stands to his full five six and looks up and to the left into a new dawn and then there's a knock at the door oh shit I fucking hide oh wait no wait we're disguised remember you look like a regular ginger boy right oh right you're all disguised as as monks yeah I sit around his little tea party that he had set up earlier yeah I pretend to drink oh wow oh wow oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh!

And tuck pretends to Read What? What do you mean Pretends? And the door opens and it is first gardener Malgath the hunched old elven woman in her long vestment. I'm an elf. Oh, who are your friends here? Are you? She's trying to recognize you and you can feel Billy. You can feel like you're you're like disguise glamour like he's saying there was like every muscle clench like I'm fine. I'm an elf. You must be new. You must be old. She laughs that I am young man. And Tucker.

Says, uh, uh, uh, yes, we're we're transplants from the city of vigil is a are you first gardener Malgath? I am. Well, it's great to meet you. We are from House Van Zumba transplanted gardeners tending the tree there. Very good. Glad to hear that House Van Zumba came around and sent some folk. It's time for morning salutation. I'm ready. Slowly salute her shaky and sketchy looking each other. She just starts kind of hobbling back and forth as she turns around in a circle in the doorway.

Elman goes, come on and you fall into line behind Malgath as she takes about a billion years to walk down the hall and we're seeing the cloister during the day. So it's morning. There are a lot of people. There are gardeners kind of going to and fro with, I don't know what, like baskets of earth wheelbarrows. We are wheelbarrows. Some are just like draped in plants that they're like carrying to different parts of the building.

There are a lot of guards more than you remember there being yesterday. It seems like your infiltration and disappearance in the wall has not gone totally unnoticed and they are extra vigilant today. Your disguises will hold. Unless you do something ridiculous. You know what I mean? Like they won't keep you from all scrutiny forever. And you are led very slowly down the hallway by Malgath and you pass, you know, different chambers. You pass what seems to be some sort of mess hall.

Billy, the smell of Elvin cuisine wafting out of the room as you walk past it. Do you resist? It's honestly not that appetizing. It smells like bean sprouts. Oh, yeah. Mung beans. Yeah. Yeah. Just like boiling. Yeah. Yuck. Let's fill in some of the details of this place. Everybody give me something that they that you see in the cloister as you walk behind Malgath. The kitchen eatery area is like an entire greenhouse. Like they eat mostly raw things and boil.

So it's like they have a greenhouse full of edibles that you just go in and everyone. It's like a salad bar, but it's growing forage in the greenhouse. And then there's like tables kind of placed inside the greenhouse. The people are sitting at because it's not like the fact that there are a bunch of guards means there's almost more guards here than there are gardeners. Because the garden is not like stuffed with monks all the time. Yeah.

And then because we're at the mess, there's all the gardeners because it's salutation time. So everyone's coming in eating before the day starts. Totally. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And Tuck notices that like sort of at the head table in the mess hall, there are like two or three people who are not gardeners. They're like not where. They're like not wearing the vestment vines. They're like very clearly like court officials that seem to just be here. Interesting. In the church. Yeah. Very interesting.

What does Billy see? I don't know. Weapons. I saw a post of people with like loose hammers and axe heads planting them into fast growing trees. And then you get them in like three years to make a new thing. Then you just chop it off and you have. Whoa. So there could be like growing weapons. Cause it's kind of in the area where the guards are. Depending on what kind of tension we want to grow. That's a great idea. Yeah. But maybe it's more like growing tools.

Like they're growing their tools for like the tending of the plants here. So it's like. Yeah. I think there is like sort of not a new, but like slightly newer patch than the tools where they grow the weapons. Oh, right. So it's like, this is a more recent addition where they're getting more militant. I like that. Oh, the militant wing of the gardeners, like the sickles. Oh, cool. Yeah. Yeah. And spears and stuff like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So there, that is interesting. That is a thing that I think tuck in Billy would be like, oh, there's weapons. And, but Ving would be like, there's fucking weapons here. Like why gross. And Malgaff leads you further into the garden itself. And you come out into another like greenhouse like structure with a high peaked roof of branches draped in leaves and ivies flowers sprouting, but everything with that sort of like. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It looks a little sick, like a little sicker than normal where, um, gardeners have been filtering in preparing for their salutations. Malgaff takes her place at the head of this congregation is first gardener and turns to all of you and makes a sort of expectant hand gesture as all of the gardeners seat themselves. They sit down, they like fold their legs under them and sit kind of, you know, like on their knees. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Figure out how to cross our legs in the weird way that they did. Yeah, they all sit down as one and the three of you are still standing for a second. The vibe of this is when you're at your friend's house and they're Christian and you've never done grace. Exactly. And you all like are just looking around you. Oh, we're supposed to bow our heads and you close your eyes and you can't eat it.

Doug takes take something that might be a root vegetable, might be a spoon out of his mouth. No way to know. And she begins her speaking part of this, which is basically just we spend another day under the boughs of this great tree whose light washes all in the forest and whose roots extend to the ends of the world. We come together in thanks for the shelter of its boughs. The fruits of its knowledge. Yeah, the fruits of its knowledge. Thank you.

You're basically doing the Lord's Prayer just a little bit. Faster than the priest. Actually, you know what? Roll it. Roll it to find a charisma. Six. Fuck. Okay. I'm going to help. Yeah, please do. Seven. Okay, so seven nine and a seven to nine. She she looks at you as you you are like reciting this prayer a little bit louder because you've heard it in the court and she goes and the fruits of its wisdom and the strength of his roots.

We tend to you great tree as you tend to elven kind and as she says this the branches at the peak of this chamber begin to pull back and the light we actually do that and the thousand leaves of the heart tree arc above you and you take in as the morning light reflects off its leaves and off its branches and you are bathed in the light of a new day and Ving is actually like caught up. It's beautiful to see it.

It's still working in some ways and like to see an element of what he knew and it you know that is still a quite a sight to behold. Yeah, and as it hits the table like all of the meals that were there like bloom a little bit like they it's like the last step in like vegan rock. Okay, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's cracking a sprout comes out and and this appears to be the conclusion of the salutation as everybody rises faster than you expect.

Okay, and they all leave and go about their work. So we're just leaving the food here. What we're not eating it or what? I don't know why you brought the food in here. This is actually a different room. So you guys salutate and eat where you go. This is she Malgath does approach you. I was very pleased. She reaches out a knobbly hand and places it. I grasp both sides of it. I was so pleased to hear that the old ways the ways of the garden extend even still to the boreal reach.

Yes, the words have traveled far and wide. Why am I keep lying to this old woman? I don't need to do this. Oh, very good. And I'm glad it's so you you consume sustenance during your salutations in the boreal reach. Yeah, they they makes us get to our work faster. Yeah, it's real TV dinner kind of situation. Very interesting. Yes, in the boreal reach.

We have a much more utilitarian approach to worship and gardening talk is struggling saying a lot the dead the King Nathaniel his nature as a ranger really permeates all parts of our civilization. It's an always be snacking scenario. Yes, always have trail mix. In your pockets great a great Rangers be grazing and then took puts his hands together and bow. Uh-huh. Yeah, and she kind of bemusedly goes. Oh, it's just as she puts her hands together and pals. That's a nice.

That's a nice twist on things. Nathaniel is a great. He's a great leader and a great man and it has been many years since his presence is grace this place. So I'm glad to have his influence. In these halls once more. He is still a hallowed figure among your people among the gardeners. There are some who have opinions of him that are perhaps unfair if not untrue, but I have lived many years and the stories of the Ranger King have always been a source of inspiration and pride to me.

Have you ever met the Ranger King? Oh, once. Twice a handful of times. It's been centuries since I have left the light of this tree. Did you ever know the woman that he took as wife? Hmm. Known to some as Ileana? Yes, Ileana. A true tragedy, that. How so? Well, she meddled with forces that she should not have and she unfortunately paid the price. Good day. I must return to my work. She very slowly begins walking towards the door. Wait! And she very slowly stops.

And very slowly turns back to you. Tell us more. You'll have to forgive me. I'm an old woman. What was that? Tell us more of our King. And in days past, how did it go back then? Fuck! Sucks at this. What? She seems a little confused. What do you wish to know? Tuck drops the pretense and he's like, not many people within the court speak of the Ranger's former lover and it is interesting to travel to other cities and courts to hear what others say.

It helps as a gardener to interpret the trees to know the history that people don't want to share. You must understand this is not a subject that is spoken of often or very freely. How much would it take to… Are we talking money or… To instinctively go to bribing her? How much are we talking about here, Malgath? Come on. Just like, uh… First base, second base? You don't want to know how far I'll go, Malgath. I'll do whatever you want. Anything. You misunderstand me, young man.

She reaches out a knobbly hand and places it on your shoulder. I cannot speak of these things. I will not. She pushed too far too quickly. Spoke of things. She ought not have. It would be irresponsible of me to encourage the same thing in others. It's a warning. Now if you'll excuse me, I must return to my work. But she must side with what Illyana was trying to do, right? I don't know, dude. Who knows? She's first gardener now. Yeah, that's true. She could've been part of the overthrow.

Yeah, I mean, like, she has navigated a very treacherous political situation to continue to be first gardener over the last few hundred years. She's super shrewd. Yeah, and she kind of doesn't seem it, which it feels dangerous. Yeah, she could be planted by the populi. Unless, like, maybe she knows that there's, like, they're listening. Oh, yeah. Like, make no mistake, we're having fun little sleepovers with elf monks and little college student fun times. You're in a den of lions right now.

Like, you are in the heart of the great forest surrounded by enemies. Yeah, so Billy's like, well, thank you very much for the beautiful ceremony. I will go also to my work. I love that Billy's saying this to her as she's walking away. So slow. He's saying it, like, to her back as she waddles away. Yeah, and then she says nothing so Billy, like, veers off and goes and finds Elmond. Who's, like, standing nearby near the door, basically, to this chamber.

This old woman, is this the woman I peed on? I put my arm under the animal? Yes, yes. Okay, right. So I'm checking with her. This is the old woman you pissed on. Yeah. But yeah, Elmond is there. He looks kind of nervous. Um, did we do something wrong? I, I, I, it's hard for me to say. Not many speak of Illyana within the walls of this garden. I, I myself know very little. Are we not allowed to? Based on the reaction of First Gardener Malgath, I would suggest you express caution.

Who are those, like, non-priest dudes who are in the mess hall? Those are delegates of the Sun Peaks. They usually in here? No. I have no idea why they would be here. Hmm. Shit. Unless, and he looks to the three of you, alarmedly, unless… Go on. Oh, I figured that that would be enough. Yeah. To suggest that maybe it was, maybe it was connected to you. You're gonna spell it out for me? Oh, okay. Okay. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just, I know as adventurers you're used to, um, dramatic pauses, so I'm trying to, uh, insert some dramatic pauses into my speech. You did a great job. Thank you. He's read a lot of Dick and Benjamin. I see, I see. Oh, okay. A lot of contraband, contraband paperback novels that get snuck into the forest. They're all fanfiction of Dick and Benjamin. So, what now? Is the, the tree in this chamber? No, the tree is, like, outside the chamber. Okay. This is, like, still part of the structure.

Yeah, the tree is kind of, like, on, it's, like, in the center, but it's kind of on its own. Like, the cloister and surrounding areas, I imagine, were, like, the roots of the tree kind of come out a bit. Yeah. Like, that, it's more attached to the roots than the tree. Yeah, exactly, yeah. It's a bit of a walk, I think, from, Yeah. Like, the cloister to the tree. Okay. Yeah. Not, like, an hour or anything like that.

I imagine the garden is almost, like, the size of, like, raw space, if you will, in the cemetery. Yeah, yeah. Quite large, yeah. So, if you were to enter, like, the garden to see the tree, it's very obvious that you're going to see the tree. Yeah. Like, it's, the garden, like, the tree is right in the center. Yeah. And the, and they've given a ring of space around the tree. And even over the years, as the tree grows, like, really slowly, they'll move the structures back to keep giving it space.

Cool. Ooh, yeah. Oh, and that's a huge celebration when they move it, because it shows that the tree is growing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But maybe it hasn't happened for a while. Yeah. Maybe some of the, some of the parts of this, of the, of the cloister seem, like, old. Like, they should have moved a long time ago. We are on old stone. Yeah. Still, to this day. Then, so what next? I feel like either we have to distract if we want to go to the tree, or we have to do it in secret somehow.

And what are we hoping to do to the tree, hack into it? Like, we already communed with it. You already looked at it. Uh-huh. Like, what else are we going to do to it? We still don't have all the details of what's happening with the tree. Yeah. And we need to figure out what the Gibbous Man did to it to cure it. Yeah. And we need to cure it to fix elven culture. Mm-hmm. And then we need to do that to overthrow the court. Yeah. And then we need to do that to get my gash. To get your gash done.

Mm-hmm. Um, is there, like, a library or, like, a place with records in this area? Yeah, oh, and then it goes, oh, um, yes, there is. And it takes you through the hallways of the cloister, past some guards who are like, , you know, as people walk by, they look very vigilant. Oh, so I just start saying stuff that I think is very elf-like. Uh-huh. Um, why, yes, the mung beans were quite the nicest, uh, uh, clump of beans I've had in quite some time. Mmm. Fresher than the ones we had last week.

Yes, laryngitis. Yes, yes. I also like mung beans . Elman locks eyes with a guard and says that. God. And I look forward to the beans of tomorrow. The beans of the day after that. I, bronchitis, love the beans I eat every day. And I, Giardia, am… Am aware of the beans that have passed through me. Amen. May it nurture a great tree. And may it be the evening sky. Time looks down upon me. And I bet the guards are like, alright, they're like, hmmm, alright, guess this is elves.

They do love mung beans just like me and my missus. Uh, and Elman takes you to a chamber that is absolutely full of shelves, and those shelves bear endless pine cones of varying sizes. And he goes, this is the archive, I suppose. Or, as it's called amongst the gardeners, the conery. Uh, conery. Do you read them? Yes, yes. And he takes you to a pine cone, and much like the leaves and fruits of knowledge trees that we've encountered in the past, the pine cones are covered in runes. Whoa. Oh, cool.

Hmm. And then Tuck picks it up, doesn't see the runes, and he's like, you can make a cool bird feeder, Adamus. Do you have any peanut butter? He gingerly takes it from you. Please, I would request that you be exceedingly cautious in the conery. Many of these cones are older than even First Gardener Malgaff. Hmm. This place is a trove of knowledge. Is there a pine cone that talks of gardeners past? Yes, I'm sure it does. Discern realities. Nine. Okay, one question off the list. Can I eight?

You can indeed. Ten. Whoa, ten. Holy shit. Ten. Thanks, Billy. No problem. What should I be on the lookout for? What should you be on the lookout for? Because you were talking about finding a record of gardeners past? Mm-hmm.

Yeah, so sort of using the natural, not quite library-esque, but more synergistic organization system that they have here in the conery, he tracks down a cone that contains, according to him, a great number of just names and tenures of First Gardeners, starting from now going back 2,000 years, 3,000 years. Is Ileana on that sheet? Ileana is not on the sheet. Ooh, she was scrubbed from the histories. Maybe. Mm-hmm. Or she's just notably absent. Or she was not technically a First Gardener.

Well, we do know that her vestment was different, denoting her as someone else. Yeah. Which to you would further reinforce the political motivation of her killing in that, I'm giving you a lot for this, but I feel like I just want to say it anyways, her vestment must have denoted the fact that she was a wizard. What? They knew it at the time? Oh. I thought the whole point was that they didn't know that. But why wouldn't they know it? Because back then wizards weren't, like, hated as they were.

It was pre-exist. Yeah, it was pre-exist. We keep forgetting that. Yeah, so like they existed just openly. So she was a wizard gardener. Or she was like a, um, an advisor. Because sometimes I think wizards were advisors to, like, whatever. They were hired for, like, whatever they could do. Yeah, because she obviously had some sort of special ability to commune with the tree, talk to the tree. Who's really in control here? Oh, shit. That is a very good question. This is another book.

Like, this was some time spent with the list of First Gardeners and some contemplation on your part and some reflect- probably some conversation in the room. Some hushed, like, what the fuck? It's mostly you and Elma and me and Billy are, like, playing with pine cones. Just throwing cones back and forth. Goolum! No! Good throw, Billy. Elman's, like, panting. He sees you doing this. It's fine. They're delicately handled. It's just they're- they're just pine cones. They're just little pine cones.

Exactly. They're just pine cones. Don't worry about it. Who is really in control here? I could use my tiger's eye for this. Oh! Okay. SICK! So this is gonna give you in the immediate sense. Okay, yeah. Yes. Yes. I like that. Yes! You can just tap into your eye of the tiger. Yup. And you find yourself- I go, Who's really in control here? And he's about to answer me and then I put my finger over his lips. And you close your eyes and make that connection with First Gardener Malgath.

And she is speaking to the two representatives of the Sun Peaks. They are here. I have not deduced where. Well, you must find them as soon as possible. They must be detained, says one of the members of the Sun Peaks. And the other looks uh, menacing. Finely dressed and menacing. Like that guy that people like from the Thor movies? Like Tom Hiddleston from the Thor movies. Oh yeah! Tom Hiddleston, but enough. He's got the very high like widow's peak, the long dark hair, elf classic elf.

Pointed ears, very pale. And his robe is like, sort of like very neat. It's like minimalist. I think he, yeah, I think he, it's so minimalist it's not even really a robe. It looks like it's made for him to be very mobile. Like it's kind of armor, it's kind of clothing. Ooh, cool. So sick. Who's this guy? Who's this mysterious stranger? If Tuck was watching this movie, he'd be like, who's this guy?

He's got Fing by either side of his head and he's holding his eyelids open staring into his eyes, whoa! Whoa, who's that? He tilts Fing's head towards him more. Let me look it up on IMDB. Whoa, he was in Cougar Town? Cool. Um, so they are discussing that they are looking for people that may or may not have infiltrated the garden. Mm-hmm. And that the Sun Peaks representatives want them detained immediately.

Oh shit, that means they're gonna lock down the tree if we can't get to it soon, probably. Yeah. Very well, I will have my guards spread out and maintain their vigilance as your agent conducts his investigation. And then the menacing looking elf stalks off into the halls. You have one more question. I mean, valuable? That seems to make sense, what's valuable to us? Or what's about to happen? Ooh, that one! I like that one! What's about to happen?

You would guess, based on where you know, well, how fast you know Malgath can move, where she must have been speaking to these people? We have a book? Six to seven hours before she gets back to the mess hall. Well, you've got about six to seven hours before she makes it back to the mess hall, but probably within five to ten minutes before someone checks the conery. Oh shit. What do you do? Get the hell out of here, let's move. Okay. We need to leave the library immediately. Mm-hmm. Okay.

Are you going back through the door into the corridors, or are you trying to find another way out? Is there any way out of this library? The conery. I mean, Almond looks around and sees like, windows in the vines, and you know, places to hide. Nothing that I've known, but you three are quite cunning. I'm sure you could discover an alternate route if you so chose.

The alternative is that we continue the farce that we are just regular guys, and like, try and shuffle our way into the garden to get to the tree before the next guy finds us. Mm-hmm. Just like, pretend to continue to be these continue to be laryngitis, bronchitis, and GRD. Yeah. And then try to like, get to the tree, because it feels like it is kind of just a matter of time. Yeah. Before they find us. So like, we have a window now.

Yeah, I guess if we tried to escape and failed at all, we would really expose our- we're opening ourselves up to exposure. Yeah, totally. Failure. Okay, we gotta make a move towards the tree in the garden. And we are totally disguised. We don't look like ourselves at all right now. No, we don't. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Okay, let's get out of here. Okay. Nonchalantly. Yeah, so you nonchalantly leave the conery? Too slow. Walking too slow. Yeah, I'm moving my shoulders a lot to look so nonchalant.

How's everybody moving nonchalantly as they leave? Um, the elves have like, little storage areas and like, shelving and stuff like that kind of throughout the garden that keep tools and hats and things. Mm-hmm. So Billy gets a little hat and a shovel. Uh-huh. And he's like, I think I will, uh, weed the garden near the tree. I think I also will weed the garden near the tree. He locks eyes with another guard while he says this.

Sounds like you're just making a bee line for the tree as quick as you can. 100%. Yeah. Great. Uh, okay. What would the role for this be? Perilous journey through to Kew. Yeah. Oh! Yeah. Like a short journey but perilously just try and start. I like it. It is perilous waters. I like that. I like that a lot. Uh, so perilous journey as we know. We need somebody to scout ahead, someone to navigate, and someone to manage provisions. Oh, I could take provisions. Okay.

Yours is like all of the shit that you're carrying. All the shit I'm carrying. Also I'm like, okay, like, I make sure like Tuck doesn't look too wide and Ving doesn't look too princely. Oh, right. Yeah. Gotta manage the illusions. Yeah. His finger keeps going up his nose. What's going on? Yeah. Okay, so then who's scouting ahead? I'll scout. Okay. So that means Tuck's navigating. I'll navigate. Alright, so scout ahead is 2d6 plus wisdom. Eleven. Oh! Okay. Nice.

So you choose two from the list below. You get the drop on whatever lies ahead. You discern a beneficial aspect of the terrain such as a shortcut shelter or tactical advantage. Those two. Okay. Uh, navigate is 2d6 plus intelligence. Great. Six. I aid. 2d6 plus bond. Eight. Okay. So that makes it a seven to nine which means you choose one from the list below. You happen on a discovery missed by the scout. The going is slow or you wander off course. Or you encounter a danger. Encounter a danger?

Okay. Okay, so manage provisions. 2d6 plus wisdom. Oh no. Oh, jeez. Snake eyes. Three. So you mark XP and the GM makes a move. Ooh, could I use a fair child to turn a failed roll to a seven to nine? Oh, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Okay, so the party consumes the expected amount. So you're not going to get anything great, but you're not going to get anything terrible. Yeah. Okay, so we're moving as a unit. Elman, absolutely terrified.

Trying to keep it together, be so cool and and espionage. Just a gardening unit coming through. Yeah. We're just here to garden and go outside and weed the trees. That's what we do. And the guards turn around to like watch Elman go as he's being really loud. And Billy, you're momentarily distracted by all the stuff you're carrying like your big hat. Keep falling over your face and you drop your little trowel and you look up and for a second, all of your illusions are like gone. Holy shit.

How do you what does Billy do when this happens to maintain them? He coughs really loud to try cover a fart. Okay. Obviously he coughs and then farts and at the cough is when you guys like your disguises come back. Yeah. And then the guards look at Billy when he farts. To draw their eyes away so that they don't catch you guys looking like it's a long fart too. You cough so they look at you and then you fart. Yeah. It's the perfect disguise. Oh, I really filled up on beans this morning.

I don't think I soaked them long enough. Silly me. It's a rookie mistake. Oh, you know, I've done that myself. Morning, afternoon, next. Yeah. I mean. Which means two mornings from now I'm gonna do the same thing. You know, I might be right there with you. Excuse me, boys. Well, carry on. And as you're scouting ahead, Ving, you see this sinister looking elf. He's like walking very arrogantly, I would say is the way.

He's kind of got like, you know, his shoulders back, his head kind of tilted and he's like sauntering through the corridors. This is the danger that Tuck sees. So you okay, so you get the drop on whatever lies ahead. That is the danger that Tuck has spotted. He goes, oh, fuck. There he is. And Ving, you know, it's not like you instinctually know where to go because you know the place. It's you instinctually know where to go as a man of the wild. You're like, oh, there's a predator. Whoop.

Go this way. Okay. And you find yourself basically on the threshold of the garden itself. Your shortcut is, hey, here's the garden if we want to go in here. We don't necessarily have a reason to go in here. We don't know what will be through this threshold if we do go. We should probably go in here. And you're just, you're trying to duck away from this, this sinister elf altogether. Oh yeah, 100%. And you are in garden. Elman says, I, this is quite dangerous.

Is it beneficial to you if I come along or should I stand guard here and perhaps give a signal if I see some sort of threat approaching? Yes, if you could cough fart and let us know if anybody comes, that'd be great. Cough and then fart. Yes. And not at the same time. Not at the same time. It doesn't work that way. Okay. Alright.

I will, I will stand here and I will, he like kind of just moves to the side of the door within the garden itself but like peeking through and goes, I will cough fart if danger approaches. And Tuck like clasps him on the shoulder and he wants to give him strength. So he hands him a trowel and he's like, this is a tool but it is also a weapon of your order. And then Tuck kisses him on the mouth. . And you pull away and he is beet red. But he grips the trowel so tight you hear his knuckles pop.

And then as Tuck pulls away he goes, I trust you. I trust you. And then Tuck goes, cool. And then he walks away. And we, the camera stays on Elman as he grips the trowel with both hands and watches Tuck walk away. And now we are in the garden. The rays of the sun peek through the branches of the heart tree as much as they are able. As the massive canopy stretches out not only over the garden itself but over the entire city of Heartwood. Is the garden like pretty lush?

I think like we were saying like there's space around the trunk itself that is kept relatively clear. Or at least was in days past. But there is a circle around that is full of plants. So this is like a walking garden. So it's like a butchery garden. Like these are cultivated plants. Very cultivated. Okay. Is there anything else in here? Not that you can see but it's a pretty big spot. So there might be people working on plants or in paths that you can't see or on the other side of the tree.

Is there a path through this garden? To certain alleys. Twelve. Holy shit. Yeah, fourteen. Bing's crushing it. Okay, so you get three questions. What should we be on the lookout for? What you should be on the lookout for is that you do hear some voices kind of in the distance. There's people in the garden. Whether friend or foe, nobody to tell. What here is not what it appears to be? As you're walking along this path you're like, oh there are people here.

Like you hear the voices and you're like, ah okay well you know, stay cool, stay cool. And you do sort of pass by a small, like two or three gardeners who are doing just gardener work and you recognize one through your disguise as Nesh. Oh shit. I don't remember who Nesh is then. Is he not the kid? He's a ranger that works with Wendy. Thank you. The young man. Yes. He's our friend. We don't know now. Cause Wendy betrayed us. Uh oh. And he, but he can't recognize us right now. No.

Your disguises are fully in place. Oh right, yeah. What's useful or valuable? What's useful or valuable is um, based on the voices that you can hear and the things that you can see with your elf eyes, you think that if you were to go, like you've basically got a path in your head through this walking garden to get out of sight. Of most of the people in this garden to get like a closer dash to the tree. Like if you were to go straight towards the tree. Great.

You could go all the way around to the other side. But you will be in like open land if anybody does see you. I kinda feel like I feel like it doesn't, Tuck's talking to you too guys. He's just like, I feel like it kinda doesn't matter. We just need to get to the tree as quickly as possible. I think so too. Like that guy is hunt, that beautiful, dangerous leopard of a man is hunting us. He will find us eventually. So we need to just get to the fucking tree. Yep. Okay, let's go. Okay.

Can I like trap expert first? Oh yeah, absolutely you can trap expert. Yeah! Twelve. Twelve, okay. So you get three questions. Is there a trap here? Yes. What activates it? I mean the easy answer is getting too close to the tree. So Billy is on like the edge of like the garden section, like the plant section of this place. It also feels powerful to Billy. Exactly. So Billy like stops, like you stop everybody. And you can feel that there is like, it's not as simple as approaching the tree.

Mm-hmm. What does the trap do when activated? I think if you approach this tree improperly, at its peak, at like the height, what you know about trees like this, especially old, ancient, powerful knowledge trees, is they can reject you completely. Like you will be unable to approach, you will be unable to glean any of the information, you will be unable to communicate, it will just not be interested in interacting with you at all.

And you think that because this tree is sick, it would be even more dangerous. Um, what else is hidden here? What else is hidden here is as you are like feeling this power, Mm-hmm. You feel like cold ancient wind blowing from a deep, dark place, you feel that chill Oh. Rolling off the tree itself, suggesting that there is an opening. Okay. I tell that to Vang. Hmm. Okay. Okay, so Vang's gonna use Thing Talker to talk to the plants at the edge of the garden. Mm-hmm.

And ask them to create a diversion on the other side of the garden. Okay. And I'll offer up some magic water I brought from the well on Hibernia. Whoa. Oh, cool. As a, uh, not a parlay, as a… That's a parlay. Parlay. Yeah. 2d6 plus charisma. Four. Jesus fuck. Okay. Something's happening. Uh-uh. Uh, you offer the water to the plants of this place, and what, yeah, what do you, like, say to them? I mean, give me, give me path. I am here to help the forest.

I want to cure the blight at the heart of wisdom. Mm. If you help me, I will help the forest at large. There is no help. There is no hope. The darkness has taken root, and nothing can pull it from the soil. I'm gonna try anyways and put the water on the ground. And they, they, they hungrily drink it down. Yeah. And it is gone into the earth. Nothing. You feel like a, well, not nothing. You feel something happen in, in the soil, but it doesn't feel reassuring.

But you do notice that same hunger that you felt in the tree when you tried to commune with it. Yeah. Is effective. It's protecting the plants in this place as well. Is Tuck feeling anything, like, in his chest, being so close to the tree? I think so, yeah. I think that once you, like, especially once you've entered the garden, you've been feeling this, like, sense of dread. Mm. This, like, nagging background sense of doom. Like, it's just, it does not feel good to be here. To be here? Yeah.

Am I getting, like, I feel like I might be getting kinda sick being in here. I think so, yeah. Yeah. Like, I feel like he's, like, having to hold it together. Like, if you looked at him, he'd be, like, flop sweat and, like, kinda green. Uh, yeah, I guess, like, Tuck kinda, like, he feels the sense of dread, and he sort of tries to hone in on it. Mm-hmm. Cause he could see, like, Ving, like, talking to the plants, and it's kinda, like, feels like it's not going well. Yeah.

And he's, like, fuck, we don't have a lot of time. We have to figure something out. Mm-hmm. So he, he uses TLC. Oh, sorry. Try and, like, mediate a connection, like, through this, like, sickness that is, like, infecting him while he's in here. Yeah. What does TLC look like in your disguise? Did we talk about this? It's, like, a little trowel. Yeah. Copper trowel.

It's, like, yeah, it's a little copper trowel, and there's, like, a sheath of burnished gray metal on the front of it, and there's, like, a little pommel of, like, a little purple stone on the back of it. I like it. It looks like I bedazzled a trowel. Yeah, totally. Optimize your tools, man. Yeah. That way you know they're yours. Fuck, I feel like shit. Alright, go for it. Okay. Wait, what are you rolling? TLC. Oh, you're using the move TLC.

You are initiated in the old ways, the ways of sacrifice, choose something you're gods, value, gold, blood, bones, or the like, so it's destruction for TLC. Yeah. When you sacrifice those things as per your rites and rituals, roll plus wisdom. Here we go! Fuck! Negative one. Fuck! Oh, no! Uh, yeah, cause I still have that debility to wisdom, so I, that's a five, so I fucked that up. Shit. Uh, what happens?

Well, the thing that Tuck knows is he has to, like, enact destruction, and the thing that he has that he feels like is connected to this whole thing is the obsidian coins. So he takes one of the six that's in the bag, and he uses TLC to just, like, smash it against the ground. Okay. So. Billy is kind of doing, like, uh, spiritual overwatch, more or less, like, keeping an eye on the, on the metaphysical layer of this. Mm-hmm. Um, Ving has just attempted to commune.

He's trying to keep, uh, keep an eye out with the, the plants. He's trying to, like, convince them, but they're sick and twisted. Right. And you've poured this water into the earth, this spiritual water, and Tuck smashes the coin, and that bitter wind that Billy feels rolling off the tree intensifies. Mm-hmm. And as this water soaks into the soil, the spiritual water from the Isle of Hibernia, signaling to the tree and the sickness exactly where you are, Oh.

The ground beneath you begins to fissure and shake. Oh, shit. And you fall into the earth. And as you fall, you hear a cough and a fart. You just did. And I think that's where we're gonna leave it. Really? Okay, yeah, that's great. Okay, great. I'm your game master, Sean O'Hara. Joining me is always playing Tacoma Dome the Barbarian Abdulaziz. So long. Playing Ving the half-elf druid Paul Oppers. Take care. Playing Fat Billy the Halfling Thief Jessica Tai. Bye, everyone.

Thank you, as always, to Aaron Reid for our incredible intro and outro music. You can find all of Aaron's original music at aaronreid.bandcamp.com and all of the music that he has produced for the show, at soundcloud.com. You can also join us on Patreon with all of our other supporters from around the world to get access to stuff like a whole bonus campaign set in the High Spear Mall featuring the Cool Treat Kids. You can get merchandise. You can get stories. Writing the Almanac. Postcards.

Postcards. Sent to you in the mail. Yep. Lovingly addressed by me all the time. Wait, that sounds really mean. I didn't mean it like that. All the fucking time. All the fucking time. All right, I'll address one. No, it's fine. We sent out merch at the Monarch tier. This month, we sent out keychains. We're kind of behind. We sent out some really cool keychains. But they had a tag in it that talked to the computer and then leads you to a website.

Like a MySpace page where all the cool kids hang out. Yeah. Actual magic. Oh, and this month I'm gonna be sending out some t-shirts. Oh, yeah. More t-shirts. T-shirts for the Monarchs. And then at higher levels, things like a monthly game GM'd for your friends and you by myself and or Abdulaziz. So if you want to check that out, check us out at patreon.com slash speltlore or speltlore.com slash money, please. And last of all, thank you to all of you for listening. We'll see you next time.

And so ends the tale of adventures three who tried the best they can. Though dumb and scared and lost, we may be for times abreast in revelry. And though our journey may be like a conclusion, we will not leave you without a resolution. Return next week to hear some more whilst you commute or do your chores and for you I gladly Spout Lore.