Spout Lore + Critshow Crossover – Episode 5 – The Conclusioning

Hello everybody and welcome to Spout Lore. I'm your Game Master Sean O'Hara. Joining me as always, Abdulaziz. Hey buddy. And Rev from The Crit Show. Hello. Welcome here to Episode 5, the penultimate episode, part 1 of the thrilling conclusion of the Spout Lore Crit Show crossover. How's it been so far, guys? I feel like I'm running a marathon, but in a good way. Not like if I were to actually run a marathon, I'd be like peeing on myself and vomiting a lot.

But like the after part, like the runner's high. Yeah. This is like the part where you get to tell people you ran a marathon instead of just running. That's what I do. I just tell people that I ran a marathon. Yeah. I also don't run marathons because it's performative and fucking lame. Performative. Exercise. You're asking your body to perform. Yeah. Ugh. So if you want to catch the second half of the finale, it's live right now.

So after this, go listen at thecritshowpodcast.com or wherever you get your podcasts for the thrilling conclusion. Enjoy. Enjoy. So we find everyone inside of the inn.

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karaoke song for sure is the maiden and the frog you guys are gonna love this one but david bowie is an interdimensional wizard oh yeah I could absolutely buy that he has been across like various worlds he is also a universal constant yeah he came to our world when he left when the wizards all left yeah he's yeah started here that's why one of his eyes is permanently dilated so you can see between realms this is a cooler story let's do this let's follow this storyline fuck what we're doing yeah let's do this one all right the scene opens up young david bowie can mother never was be a david bowie variant yeah baba bowie baba bowie baba bowie baba bowie if we if we combined our production budgets do you think we could get david bowie it would be hard it'd be real hard right now first we'd have to hire a necromancer actually it might be a little bit easier oh no technically his ip's available uh okay yeah sorry man in white uh perel can't help he's he's deep in a plate of ribs right now I mean we know that the man in black's plan is to have the man in white in a different world so they could do this spell simultaneously so we've got a man in black and a man in white and a man in white and a man in white and a man in a woman in a woman in a woman in a woman in a woman in a woman in a woman in a woman in a woman locked off but I guess it makes sense to take him with us because then that way if something happens and he does regain control he's not in another world he doesn't have the ability to try and set this off at the same time even though we know it'll be really bad if it doesn't happen at the same time that seems smart plus maybe we could use him as a bargaining chip in some capacity like maybe if we had him we could be like hey no sudden moves or else I don't know that we can kill this guy but he doesn't know that we don't know if we can kill this guy are we having this conversation out loud in front of the man in white no baby tech talks to trogdor wait what's the name of the guy his name is trog and he does specialize in doors yes yes yeah you do go through the trogdor in order to talk to yeah he talks to trog and he's like hey do you have like a papoose or something that I can uh maybe carry this man in white around in that so I we I always have them on me oh yeah I got uh I got an apron we can just cut some feet holes in it all right let's do do I have to roll for this no I'm pretty good and he just he takes off his apron and puts it on you and just rips two little holes in the bottom all right I put the man in white in a little papoose I'm on my chest he's very confused is he facing towards you or away from you towards and he's it's weird because the man in white has a very long torso so you're almost just like a man in white and he's like I'm not going to do this nose to nose so he's got a very long torso very short legs is that the guy is that the configuration we're doing no he's got a he's got really short really long legs too but just a very short in between like his pelvic area is like it was that it was hard to tell in the clothing that he was wearing before but now that you've got him straddling a papoose that looks nice can I have nexties all right trogdor get me a papoose for my back for my friend tass here you all right he bends down under the counter and gets another apron pulls out a sex swing don't ask me why I had this no no reason it's it's not what it looks like it's for sex uh perel comes up and he's wiping barbecue sauce off his face and uh he's got a still got a rib in his hand that he hands to billy he just says so are we so what's the deal with you guys I'm not going to do this I'm not going to do this we're just going to go to mccall and try and find mother never was or are we going to go right in this place like is it going to open up right where we were or can we go kind of anywhere we want no it's pretty much going to send us back where we came in they just kind of create a uh a point in space that you can depart from and return to fuck also a point of interest uh because I I wasn't keeping an eye on you perel but there's about a 50 50 chance that you're going to fall asleep for a couple of minutes and then you're going to go to the bathroom and you're going to oh right sorry was that yeah when you eat here and I'm just watching him he reaches down and he grabs the rib from billy oh it's too late that rib is clean I think I think yeah you haven't face planted yet I think we're good billy just looks like a cartoon with like the rib bone in his throat sticking out sideways yeah billy is sleeping it wasn't it wasn't because of the food he's just it's just nice and full and he's just like oh my god I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'll be time for a nap I'm just tired billy's covered in barbecue sauce to a degree that couldn't have been just from this one rib yeah like I went and found extra perel goes okay I think I'm good then we really need to figure out and he just falls to the ground all right truck door I'm gonna need a third papoose this guy's gonna be bjorn to be wild oh man uh yeah I imagine we just head back through to where we started and I did do we have any clues on where we're going to find mother never was okay so here's the issue is the mother never was is in the principalities which is uh an ocean away from mccall and not just an ocean but a magic ocean it's called the sea of graves it's full of a sentient storm that hates everyone because it is the embodiment of the grief of oh oh wait nope this is actually a spoiler never mind tuxes perel's eyes flutter and he's like trying to pick himself up off the ground he goes can we maybe use the transdimensional magic contained in the doorknob to kind of jump to where mother never was that's the most intelligent thing he's ever said I love your sleep musings perel yeah I think it's his consciousness that's keeping him stupid he would be so smart if he wasn't himself oh man same yeah I think that there is some combination here of using the knowledge that you all have of the principalities in combination with say megan's telepathy and ability to get images and locations from people and then jake's ability to change the world and to change the world and to change the world and to change the world and to change the world and to change the world and to change the world and to change the world magic that you might be able to kind of hot wire this doorknob to take you to a specific location in your world so megan why don't you roll a tune in okay eight all right so jake we'll use magic 13 all right so it is going to get you into the right continent it's not going to get you exactly where you want to go the images are a little hazy maybe it's all this interdimensional travel for the three of you but the images are a little hazy and they're going to get you into the right continent and then you're going to get into the right continent and then you're going to get into the the principalities aren't quite clear um so what's someplace nearby where mother never was is kind of rumored to live um that might spring into your mind maybe a little bit of a schlep to get to but is close by she lives in like an endless marsh in a place called uh the black tree principality the marshes were sort of like north of where the riverways was basically like uh mother never was was the cause of or found refuge in this like maelstrom historical event called the river wars so for context for you guys the river wars is like it's this anachronistic war that like some historical texts refer to it as like lasting like a thousand years and other historical texts are like yeah it was like a single battle between two small tribes so there's like these internal inconsistencies in history that are happening there's like people who turned from the river wars like aged men and like they're like there are other people who are like oh yeah like who are listed among the dead who like were like oh I never fought in that battle wow so it's like this this very like chaotic spatio-temporal event uh and then in the center of that it's like sort of where it's rumored that mother never was lives outstanding yeah so that it makes sense that you wouldn't be able to get a very long time to get to the bottom of that um and then um and then um and then um and then um and then um and then um and then um and then um and then um and then um and then um and then um and then um and then um and then um and then um magical doorknob and um you come out into a gray and dim marshland mist and fog obscures your vision uh something about the space that this door is connected to kind of shunts forces you all out uh three stooges style and you kind of tumble onto the ground and an old man with a fishing pole sitting next to a watery part of the bog goes he's got a weapon no no no no no I'm but a humble fisherman what do you how'd you all get in my outhouse we're coming out of the outhouse right yeah well I mean yeah thank god that was me the player there's a guy there's a guy taking a shit you all come into his I was like we just busted out the walls of the south and you all just pile onto his lap I'm trying to catch something and leave something uh yeah so you're basically all laying in this like soggy surprisingly vibrant uh green grass in this misty marshland uh and the old man just kind of starts standing up and backing away from you oh do you need do you need in here or no no enjoy oh sorry it's my my gift to you oh wait wait wait uh do you mind telling us where we are a little lost I think oh um you're you're uh near any points down and you see a cluster of ramshackle buildings and people kind of working in the peat moss uh this is uh mossberg we're working on the name it's a new place all right we we considered peaton mossberg uh uh moston uh peatsville after the founder pete moss right yeah that's peat moss is my daddy you can just call me peaty I'm peat mouse jr so are you telling me you're mayor of this town yes as you know mayors are hereditary titles passed from father to son wow I like to consider myself a kind of petty king or a peaty king as a little joke I make uh but uh y'all are in a pretty cavalier about appearing suddenly in an outhouse I wouldn't worry about it do you know where mother never was is his eyes widen he drops his fishing pole clutches his breast I'm afraid I I do not know what you're speaking of I don't believe you well I can't I can't think of a reason why you wouldn't I'm the picture of a candor well then why is your your pants getting so wet where your peat it's the humidity it's just the humidity I don't know about that no I'm pretty sweaty like that too it's fair um do you know anybody who might know where mother never was mother never was mother never was and she appears by the beetlejuice rule she's wearing a black and white striped suit she's played by michael keaton beetlejuice is also a baba yaga variant very much so no no michael keaton they have the same number of syllables you can't you just don't don't say don't say her name why it's not safe why he casts his eyes towards the the edge of the marsh she's out there somewhere they say and if you draw her your life is forfeit and how do they say that you draw her ire by going out into the marsh and wishing for a life that you never had but me I'm perfectly content being the petty king of a small village of moss people so I've never never had need of her services before but sometimes people say on the edges of the marsh you see the gray men wandering the grasses what the gray men what are the gray men oh they're they're folks that wish to make a deal with mother never was but she's not a woman a woman highness have you ever seen people go a certain way he nods very uh regally at billy oh here's the thing my loyal subject there is no certain way in these marshes one way is always and always are no ways and uh other cryptic things that people tend to say out here what are you on what what do you actually grow here hey marsh provides baby are you a cop what are you some kind of what are you some kind of fucking narc maybe we harvest peat moss for fires across the land baby we harvest some other things that you're not going to tell anybody about if you know what's good for you but uh you you never heard of the the endless marsh oh is there a way to find your way through is it just endless wandering or is there something we can look for to find a path yeah are we destined to just be endless wanderers like mumford and sons we actually look like we're in mumford and sons it could be can I spout mumford and sons about this yeah totally 26.5 plus intelligence okay hello sir my name is mumford and these are my sons all right I have no intelligence uh okay I got 11 though oh my god 11 okay so you get something interesting and useful interesting and useful yeah and um because this is a place guys this is very exciting welcome to the collaborative world building of Spout Lore this is a place that we haven't really talked much about so what do we think is a way to build a world of Spout Lore and what do we think is a way to build a world of spelt traditionally in the tales that people have been able to find their way through the endless marsh I think you have to go in very desperate like the more desperate you are the quicker and easier you find her yeah like I like that like this is not a place for people to just be bold and want to just check it out like the day hikers are the ones that just get taken because they're not serious about this at all it's it's like uh that swamp in lord of the rings with the dead bodies just under the water and they're like oh my god I'm gonna go to the water and I'm gonna go to the water but they're all wearing archeterics jackets so if the way to get to her is to go in super desperate and going in curious is the way to get snatched is there a way through and out that is just like being indifferent we need somebody so desperate that the swamp doesn't even want them perel perel's unfortunately asleep still but the man in white who is uh a person out of time who's been displaced from his very home and has nothing left in the entire multiverse he goes well I mean I I'm pretty desperate just like in general so I mean maybe I could help yeah you're perfect you're perfect for this don't compliment me too much I'll get attached and then I won't be as desperate tuck lifts him out of the papoose and he puts him down so he lifts him 12 feet in the air I guess his his arms stick out straight in front of him like a cat and he puts him down and he's like go the yearning way my friend because remember we said that there were 40 cardinal directions and one of them is the yearning way oh cool as I'm standing over to the side like what the fuck is my compass doing here it's just the needle just snaps out of it and starts spinning in the air what you only have four four would you get that the one coin store even pd starts laughing you fucking got him kid you fucking got him yeah so the yearning way I'm not from here uh how do I how do I do that I like the idea that there's like they look like game trails almost like some of them are bobbing weaving people aren't sure they kind of go out and they're like they go and they start they come back like no she's over there but the yearning way is like the yearning way is like the yearning way is like the yearning way is like the yearning way is like the yearning way is like the yearning way is like the straight through it's just you have so much purpose so maybe there's like a little break in the bog or a well-trodden bit that's just one track mind into it but I don't think that like the rest of us see that very clearly like for us it still looks really just confusing in the way that there are no indications so we have to rely on following the man in white exactly yeah so then that sounds like we're going to undertake a perilous journey we're gonna need somebody to be quartermaster some we're gonna need somebody to be the quartermaster and we're gonna need somebody to be the quartermaster buddy to be trailblazer and somebody to be scout um I feel like I would scout here get ahead with my yeah you gotta go rifle yeah I could be a trailblazer considering I have the ability to kind of like scry or help find people like totally if we if we lose sight of the man in white I could I could get us back on track I like food I can quartermaster okay perfect oh you want somebody who hates food that's our problem we always put billy in charge you there are so many failed quartermaster roles which are just billy got really hungry and ate all of it that is not an impossibility I could still do that then uh still get his hands on it megan's like picking berries and putting them in like a satchel that billy has cut a corner off of and is just eating out of them like a hamster all right so task kim and megan roll 2d6 plus wisdom 12 for me excellent whoa excellent 12 for me as well 12 for you as well holy shit good lord you guys got to be more like these people all right oh man pearl you said you liked us the way that we are I'm sorry billy I'm still mostly asleep he's being his I didn't mean it sleep is his alcohol all his inhibitions have been shut the hell up billy um whoa also we realized that the mist is not missed but it's them hot boxing this entire area this is a skunky skunky bug uh okay so on a 10 plus so for uh trailblazing and scouting uh the trailblazer reduces the amount of time it takes to reach your destination and the scout will spot any trouble quick enough to let you get the drop on it uh seven to nine with the quartermaster you guys are going to eat the normal amount of food so you you're going to eat the normal amount of food so you're going to eat the normal amount of food so you begin to follow the man in white so you're standing on the edge of like between you and the marsh is basically like a bend in or in a creek and uh he just stands there for a second trying to feel you imagine the yearning way and just begins to walk forward into the creek and he sinks to about like eye level in the water and he's like kind of swimming across and he's starting to be swallowed by the mist so if you want to follow him you have to do it too let's go yeah jump in so everybody just starts bobbing across this creek um yeah tuck you're walking basically okay good because I don't know how to swim so that's great what about the shorter members the shorter members you're starting to you know you kind of got to like hop to stay above the water billy I'm very buoyant so I'm fine um in fact I can offer myself to tuck as a little flotation device uh as soon as I get in the water I suddenly have a mermaid tail what oh what the fuck cool so I'm fine pd on the edge of the creek goes what the fuck don't worry about it you're high wait do we have the other ring yeah I think I think I walk into the creek and walk over the creek right I think I still have a water walking yeah water walking ring too as I'm like literally up to my neck in water and watching like six foot four jake just walk across I'm just looking down like well sucks to suck I'm still in the back of the orange so I'm pretty dry too I think wait you guys have rings that turn you into mermaids our rings just let us read each other's minds that's fucking lame oh I can do that too though this sucks our world fucking sucks we can't do anything magic doesn't exist we need rings to read minds and we don't even have fish tails okay but everything's named really cool thing is do it like uh synchronized swimming but with nobody synchronizing with it it's just his legs up out of the water kicking yeah and you kind of weighed out of the water or in uh jake's case just step onto the other side and the man in white is like descending into the grasses which get quite high on the side uh the mist presses in all around you but you're able to uh with the help of kim's oracle like abilities tipped off by her tarot cards in some confusing fashion uh basically basically whenever uh he disappears from sight she you pull one kim and it just has an arrow that's pointing in the direction that he went hell yeah I love it and they all just say the arrow it's not this uh you're you're worried that your cards might have disappeared entirely and been replaced with these uno style and uh there are times where you're noticing the light shift in ways that makes it feel like you're like as you're walking forward suddenly you're working walking backwards the light dims and brightens in ways that make it feel like the sun is rising and setting very irregularly but the man in white is leading you it would seem down some sort of yearning path you travel for what feels like hours could be minutes could be years who knows uh and he suddenly stops in the path and tass as the scout you kind of bump into him and he is just like standing stock still hey buddy what's he puts his finger to his lips and he points forward and goes look and through the mist you can see bodies moving how big vary from probably you know five four to maybe like six six do you think those are the gray people yeah can I discern realities yeah totally two to six plus wisdom right here we go all right so I got eight plus my wisdom which is zero so I got eight nice uh so that gets you one question off the the list okay what here is not what it appears to be okay so as you're watching um these bodies kind of flit in and out of the mist you see like five eight ish figure move into move into sight very kind of silhouetted but then you see somebody six three in their place so this isn't multiple people you don't think it's one person that is switching between bodies oh that's kind of like what he can do right like like he's switching between different versions of himself but this is like whole different bodies instead of versions maybe it has something to do with like that we're getting so close to mother never was maybe they're her guard they could be scouting for her oh shit yeah there's a point where some of us can't go much further because if she smells her sister on us that's a problem yeah she gets a whiff of billy's taint then we're screwed my taint I run away I'll hide in the reeds yeah as you guys are having this conversation about uh baba yaga smelling your taints um the person that you see ahead of you stops and like perks up someone say taint as if they heard something even the word taint draws their attention cover up your taints everybody you guys were gonna try and and mask the scent of baba yaga but you just didn't before no before before we left tuck went to a cvs and got a giant bottle of taint and I was like oh my god I'm gonna get a bottle of dracar noir how many uses are in there yeah a hundred three a million no you get three I I'm now allowing you to have a bottle of dracar noir that you picked up in indianapolis and there are three uses okay but I also I got an axe body spray does this have any uses in it uh it actually popped in your bag so it just sprayed all over your shit dude and it smells like a middle school locker room now fuck but that's kind of what tuck always smells like so it's not really uh I don't know for sure if this thing is smelling us or hearing us so I'm gonna branch out my telepathy to be able to establish a mental chat room with everybody here cool hey I'm in your head again I didn't know it was hearing us talk so let's just talk in our minds oh yeah and you hear with your real ears you hear perel snoring but then in your head you hear do you think that if you put a coat on a dog it would notice if it liked the color of the dog or if it liked the color of the dog or if it liked the color of the dog notice if it liked the color or not do you think the trees have friends what if a frog had a job he's just going through whatever unconscious thoughts in this chat room that he's able to conjure wasn't that all of season one him giving frogs a job what if one frog was big and one was small and would one of them be the pet no not a double frog um does this seem to be having any noticeable effect on that um does this seem to be having any noticeable effect on that figure in the mist now that we are non-verbal yeah it goes back to whatever it was doing perfect I would like to use my culling sight on this creature yeah in case we need to try to get past this somehow yeah remind me what uh calling site is when I see a creature for a moment I can roll plus wisdom and then I can get some hold to spend to either give us like plus ones against it or like more damage or like turn a fail into a mixed success if we're trying to do something yeah go for it uh that is a nine so I have a hold one yeah you're just kind of watching it as it shifts in between forms and seemingly wanders uh through the mist it might be like on a specific track maybe it's looking for something but it's just kind of walking around I will think in the chat room do we think we can time it out to sneak by this thing as a group or should I fireball it well if we're gonna attack it I should probably try and see if I can read something from its mind first I might be able to get an idea of what it's doing or looking for or what it is yeah yeah do it I say that even if we don't attack it yeah more information is always good all right yeah go for it eight okay so yeah it's kind of hard to pick out what it's thinking because you much like when you connected to the man in white uh when you first saw him in the call there is a cacophony of voices an absolute like chorus of confusion it's different than the way that it was with the man in white what you're able to kind of deduce with your experiences as a interplanar traveler and also with uh this specific situation this must be something unique to how mother never was operates but this feels like it's actually multiple versions of a person existing in one space so as opposed to just being like someone that is able to like mentally swap into different bodies this is many people's lives and it's like it's like a lot of people's lives and it's like a lot of people who have kind of been forced into one point in time and space wow she's grabbed somebody from a bunch of the different dimensions yeah pd said something about how the gray men are thought to be people that mother never was saw something in that she coveted so you get the idea that this might kind of be like a menagerie of people that exist in one place uh because of the state they're in would this be considered an inhuman creature yes I would say so oh in that case I get to ask the gm wait no I mean no I mean no I just get what's on your I just get to ask one question about it and I have to tell you what pop culture source I would know that from from my world all right what's your question so I think my question would be is there any sort of a kindness or a favor or something that we could offer it slash them to be able to get past the gm and ask the gm what's on your sheet I just get to ask without trouble I think that um especially thinking about like pop culture examples I think this is very much a um music soothes the savage beast kind of thing not music specifically but this is a person or many countless people that are in like agony so anything that would offer kindness or comfort or understanding or soothing of any kind might be able to placate uh this thing for a short time wow okay but it's also going to be risky for sure because it it seems like the kind of thing where they're just as likely to lash out got it what's the pop culture source is it the Spout Lore patreon it's the Spout Lore podcast I swear I've heard this episode they did a crossover with another podcast called it's just like this we explode and then everything implodes yep yeah I mean like even simply it seems almost like a like a frankenstein kind of thing right where it's like a monster that just wants to be loved yeah kinda like I even have this weird like thinking about like being john malkovich but the idea that the room keeps filling up and there's no way out of it um so like what could give this thing focus cool interesting I like that a lot oh man we might be able to sneak past this thing if we can distract it give it sort of a balm something to you know ease it's just it's tortured mind the man in white speaks up you could I mean there's lots of you you could just kill it right yeah what if it doesn't want what you offer what if it tries to kill us well then in that case we defend ourselves but I don't like the idea of just just going after this thing yeah white guy we're not just gonna kill indiscriminately I'm not saying indiscriminately it's just it's a it's a monster right it's quite discriminately as a matter of fact I can't go ahead right because mother never was will smell me I could I'm not going to kill you I'm not going to kill you I'm not going to kill you I'm not going to kill you act like a little bait and see if the monster would follow me or if I could distract it.

Wait, Billy, do you still have wealth and taste? I do. Oh my God. Wealth and taste is a move that if Billy waves around his most valuable object, someone will be like, I want that. That's it. What would it want? Well, it sounds like it wants a hug. Like what if you just go hug its leg and like stand on its foot and just you're along for the ride? Oh my God. My blue blanket. So soft. So comforting. So magical. Yeah. Blue blanket could do it. It's like a hug. You think so? Yeah.

This thing's in a state. It's like in, you know, when you're like in such a heightened state of duress that like literally anything nice is what you want. Like it's just, you're just lizard brain. Like I want to lay down. I want to eat something. Yeah. Like James Brown. Somebody comes, puts a blue blanket on your back and then you pop up. Exactly. That's all you need. If you're going to give it a blanket, let me press to digitate it. So I can also make it a warm blanket before we give it to him.

Okay. It's very little, but I mean, it's nice. Uh, yeah. And I, I, I think as Billy is going over, I want to spend my hold, uh, to sort of like focus in on like, I think that the blanket will work and I want to give Billy a plus one forward. Thank you. Excellent. And I spray it with some Dracar Noir. Ew. That's not going to work. Do you have to roll to press to digitate? I mean, I think so. I have to roll to cast a spell. Okay. Yeah.

So I rolled a nine, which means the spell is cast, but I have to choose one, draw unwelcome attention or put myself in a spot. The GM tells me how, uh, the spell disturbs the fabric of reality as it is cast. Take minus one ongoing to cast a spell until the next time you prepare spells or after it is cast, the spell is forgotten. You cannot cast the spell again until you prepare spells. All of this. So I could warm the blanket. Yeah.

Unfortunately you, you go to warm the blanket and it's a little flame, but it's exact same time that Tuck does the cologne and just makes a fireball. Well, it's a good thing. It's made of, I think it's that buttermilk, butter, butter, butter, moth silk, which is fire retardant. Yeah. Milk. Buttermilk. Buttermilk. I wish it was made of buttermilk. That sounds nice. That sounds like some fancy, like skincare, like exfoliating, like face towel. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I will, I will warm the blanket and I will choose to draw unwelcome attention or put myself in a spot and you tell me how. So Billy, the blanket warms in your hands as Jake casts, what is, what does this prestidigitation look like? Uh, you know, put my, put my hand on the blanket and do a magic. Tight. Welcome to the theater of the mind.

I, I lay a hand on the blanket and there is a, a purple shimmer around my face.

Hand that becomes an orange shimmer around my hand that becomes an orange shimmer around the blanket and then it heats up and once it is heated up the shimmer itself fades and for some background ambience as billy goes up with the blanket I uh pull a bottle out that I stole from pete by his fishing stuff and pop the cork and endless wanderer starts playing like way too fast mandolin begins to pour out over the marsh uh the the soothing tones of 2009 carry billy forward am I wrong in thinking that the song is hopeless wanderer you're right I fucked up earlier oh it is I was like and I leaned into it I was like I think that's what it is but I really don't want to add the term hopeless into our I'm so so glad we got there though we really we've actually screwed up that name multiple times on this show because we tried to name a boat after it but we named it aimless wanderer okay that's great we're so close every time so anyway so helpless wanderers playing perfect bill yeah you almost don't want to give up the blanket because it's so warm and toasty um but you start walking towards this figure in the mist that is shifting rapidly and as you get close it resolves through the mist to a point and then you realize that it's not obscured by the mist it's just an obscured image it's it's really hard to actually focus on this thing because it doesn't seem to have one singular form that this plane of existence recognizes it's kind of like looking at somebody through like an unfocused camera lens it's just like multiple images overlaid but as you get closer it does kind of turn its head to you and all of these heads turn at like different times in your vision so I uh I'm going to start with the first one which is the one that's going to be the most difficult to crawl up to the shore near the base of a willow tree and I curl up with the blanket and I make a big show of like flapping the blanket out and like laying it down on me and the warmth like I don't know I imagine this monster can sense how how cuddly it all is well I think you gotta roll a wealth and taste it doesn't say to roll it oh you just do it I think so let me just when you when you make a show of flashing around your most valuable possession choose someone present they will do anything they can to obtain your item or one like it damn yeah that's great you just do it so how do you extricate yourself from this situation before because it does start it starts walking towards you yeah so I'm under the willow tree so I've um wrapped some of like the willow um tendrils around my wrist kind of like waste myself up really fast yeah yeah and get out of its reach okay great then roll a 2d6 plus dexterity because it's starting to walk faster um oh my god six can I help megan what do you got I think since I established this mental connection with this creature in the first place and they were kind of aware of that I think I'm just talking to it telepathically and just a very calming voice and like it's okay just relax and like look how warm and comfy this blanket looks you can take a nap I like it uh then yeah give me a 2d6 plus bond just basically asmr game yeah uh that'll be an eight eight perfect so that makes it a seven for billy jake something that your magic has done like after you you felt the warmth on your hand as you heated up the blanket you've just been standing there watching billy do this but like you know flexing your hand you're trying to like shake out the residual heat uh and you feel the heat kind of like come out of your arm and you're getting really warm and then all of the people standing around you the rest of the crew it's getting pretty hot dude jake you're so hot right now uh this is this is jake's magic putting him in a spot yeah sorry I think I goofed this it's I don't know what to do about that I'm gonna just kind of sit down and scoot into the water here to try and cool down perfect uh yeah so you splash around a little bit and then you're like oh my god I'm so hot I'm so hot but billy you're trying to climb up these uh willow strands and uh you see the figure walking closer to the blanket kind of crouching down and cycling through images and the images as it gets closer and closer to the blanket start to get smaller and smaller then it's about the size of like a six to seven year old child and it grabs the blanket and starts to like crawl underneath it okay I'm I'm a little jealous oh it's holding on to your blanket yeah that's what it is billy you're hanging from this willow branch watch watching this thing rest and you're like that's that's my blanket it's my blanket and I'm looking at my friends and I'm like what are they even doing they're all just swimming around like giving up my favorite blanket for them to go for a little swim they're playing marco polo yeah guys it looks like the monster's been placated all right let's keep going let's let the the man in white lead us the rest of the way or should all of us that stink like baba yaga hang back here now it's not something we can cover up tuck holds up dracar noir though I can cover three people up with the smell of a high school dance all right so tuck and ving are clear to go regardless do what other three people want to smell just wonderful I do not have a good history of dealing with baba yaga so I will volunteer to like stay outside and guard I feel like we need someone to smell the smell of baba yaga I'm smarter than us though it can't just be ving and I right like ving is still doing synchronized swimming he has like he's underneath the water man I just sure want it to just be tuck and ving though what if we what if we go the opposite what if we go in only her sisters saying that we have a message from her I I think she's gonna kill us yeah we're here with a message from baba hmm if you go in first then she doesn't kill us and you why do you just want us to die in wave one well I mean a big argument here to be had though is if we let her know exactly what's really going on all of everything could stop existing and she may have some self-preservation you know like if if if our dude on this side starts doing what he's gonna do bad time for all that's a good point so that's the argument that we have to make to her is that she has to fix this that is exactly the point that I'm making here tuck and ving alone should make when they go or you could make it as bait before she probably kills you yeah okay fine ving and I will go ving and I will go and I guess I wasted this dracar noir for nothing I shoplifted this for fucking nothing and then tuck angrily whips it into the into the boy okay so the plan is to just send ving and tuck to talk to mother never was billy's gonna stay behind with the uh with the crit crew like I yeah I don't know what to do because like I want my blanket and I'm kind of also stuck in the tree I can't come crawling down or the monster will get me yeah everybody you just walk past the willow tree and you see billy hanging from it like a christmas ornament yeah I'm like spinning around okay just slowly spinning in a circle how how much uh can I safely assume that billy weighs the billy's weight billy weighs less than load three oh yeah I could cast unseen servant to get billy out of the tree nice that'll do it yes all right unseen servant it is so what does that do I conjure an a simple invisible construct that can do nothing but carry things uh so it can carry up to load three can't pick up things on its own oh can only carry things I give to it oh I don't know if that works then that's what reading the rules does to a person we don't ever do that I have telekinesis that seems like a better option oh yeah telekinesis that'll do it I have to fake there's all these like conditions on its size so plus two if you could carry or hold it in one hand nah plus one if it's no larger than a halfling oh he's actually smaller than a halfling yeah okay so that's a plus one uh that's an 11 excellent okay uh yeah what is the is it just straight up billy just lifts out of the tree and starts floating over yeah you can slowly move the object as long as you can see it okay perfect I just I just just air roller coaster yeah I think I'm holding my my salt crystal dagger and that's like pink energy starts like kind of coming off of it and then at the same time the same colored energy just kind of starts materializing around billy and he just starts kind of like floating up and away from the blanket and just in the middle of the air right towards us just like reaching for a blanket he stopped for a second by the tension of the willow branch that he's on and then that tendril snaps and he shoots forward a little bit I catch him and he's billy's just crying yeah we'll get it back we'll get it back we just got to do this first I wasn't thinking I wasn't thinking about consequences oh uh but yeah you've you've the gray man or gray child it would seem is uh peacefully snoozing under the blanket at the base of the willow tree and the man in white uh turns to you all and says it I guess I just keep going keep keep yearning right yeah man just keep yearning okay yeah tuck and ving follow him here we go well how do we do we know how close are we uh that's a great question can I try to use my farsightedness to find mother never was yeah yeah totally yeah go for it because yeah you don't know how close or far you are from from her currently so yeah what's uh could you remind me of farsight uh when you take a few minutes to enter a trance in order to see the whereabouts of a person or a specific spot in a location roll plus wisdom on a 10 plus as long as you remain in the trance you can see and hear as if you were there on a seven to nine as 10 plus but you can only see as if you were there sweet okay uh yeah that's a 13.

Fuck yeah fuck yeah I like the idea your trance is the macarena so sorry but this whole time she's she hasn't realized that it's the macarena but she because she just goes into the trance but everybody else sees the macarena does she know do not tell her we just silently do it along with her she can never know so you begin the macarena and you enter this trance and when your eyes open up you're in the trance and you're in the trance and you're in the trance and you open back up you're standing in a muddy clearing um it's ringed by like shoulder height reads the sky is gray uh but you can see a bright disc of sunlight shining whatever pitiful light it is able to through the through the cloud cover and sitting on a log weaving together reads into what looks like kind of like a a crown or a circlet is a woman in a cloak of river grass she has like there's a hood over her head she looks quite uh stooped but you can see her gnarled fingers uh working on this circlet and you are able to kind of uh like in the ubisoft video game franchise assassin's creed when you call your bird scout to see the environment around you you're able to enter stationary mode and look to the east and see uh your your group is deceptively close uh and if you were to kind of use this uh farsight to peek into where you've been it looks like it's the kind of thing like you're looking at the entirety of this of the marshland and you're like wow this place is way fucking smaller than I thought it was and though it feels like it's been hours days it looks like you've almost just been circling uh where mother never was is seated for who knows how long so if you're able to cut through this extra temporal interplanar space you might be able to get there fairly quickly okay um my eyes stopped glowing white and I I think while I was in this trance uh the bright white light from my eyes was like reflecting off of tuck's axe and creating a really sick disco ball effect as we were all just doing the and you come you come out of your trance and you go uh yeah and clap ving's like hey how do you guys know the macalarena macarena is also an interplanar constant yeah I I I saw her she's in a clearing uh surrounded by a bunch of of reeds she's really close actually um but also far on like an extra planar sense I I think if we had a way to kind of pierce that veil we would be very close to her ving then dips his fingers into the bogs at the base of a reed and he I want to try and talk to the reeds I want to try and um appease the reeds and talk to the the network the the plants and see if they'll fast track us through I don't know why I'm always surprised when you talk to a plant you've been able to do it for seasons god what does this reed sound like hey how's it going yes jersey fallback it's the you know see it's it's easier this way what's going on buddy welcome to the swamp hey good to be here thanks for having us is this the director's cut of shrek oh I should have just done a shrek voice it's not too late it's not too late get out it's not too late force myself into a shitty scottish accent just like mike myers all right fine I'm doing it what are you how's welcome to my swamp he said the thing he said he said the line uh hey uh just uh we're just passing through how are you doing how's it been it's not a lot of light around here I noticed that um were you getting all your sugars from the swamp I'm not sure I'm from pal oh you know there's lots of little like uh shrimp and fish and stuff in these waters that they they die and then we kind of just suck them up and you know there's also uh eon after eon of traveler that have met their ends in these in these waters and we're uh we are you hear in your head the spiritual sound of someone patting their belly we are full up oh aren't you tired of uh you know it's like uh uh eating all these dead things uh no it's delicious have you ever had pure unadulterated non-mistful sunlight I want to parlay with this grass and say if he gets his way through I'll give him a peak of sunshine see what it does for his taste buds very interesting I love that you went with this direction because I was really afraid you were trying to talk these reads into eating living things instead of dead things I'm like I'm in the water why do you want me so warm sample fluid a little dracar noirish you are going to give this read a hit of sunlight and then mess it up for the rest of its eternal life because it'll never get it again they're just constantly chasing that high this is get a little sunshine on his spotful mind yeah all right uh get 2d6 plus charisma with the part like come on oh nice 11 okay nice sunlight you say like like full on one just solid beam I even had a beam of pure sunlight and since I was a wee sprout all right what do you want for it what do you need we need to get to the center of the swamp I know that you know the way we need to get to mother never was oh I don't know if you want to be doing that it doesn't matter what you think you want to know about all right all right well if you're gonna give me pure sunlight I'll take you wherever you want to go okay give it to me now I gotta find I can make a hole in the cloud somehow oh elemental mastery so I guess I'll have to yeah give it a roll for this yeah yeah this could be uh what's the word again catastrophe yeah 2d6 plus constitution now for the elementalist okay so um start spinning I think I'm gonna go with the nature's price and I retain control I'm gonna choose the effect I desire comes to pass okay excellent um so you conjure this this pillar of cool air that's going to be the pillar of cool air that's going to be the pillar of cool air that's going to be the pillar of cool air that's going to be the pillar of cool air that's going to be the pillar of cool air that's going to be the pillar of cool air that's going to be the pillar of cool air and a woman's dream um a woman's dream um um a woman's dream um a woman's dream um a woman's dream um a woman's dream um a woman's dream um burn away the sun pours through all of you feel real sunlight for the first time and what feels like an age and you hear the reed go oh yeah ah no this isn't it's not sexual don't don't have that don't look at me like that oh it's just it's so nice your scottish pleasure is gross sounding that's all uh and as you watch the the hole that you pierced in the clouds spreads and spreads and the mist burns away all around you hit the deck like how close are we to mother never was quite close and the mist clears and the reeds uh it seemed like grow up out of the ground at a rapid speed and you're all just standing in the bright sunlight and tuck you're a lot taller than than the people here you see movement off in the distance I look at it it looks like a woman in a cloak tuck that's her that's her that's her the face turns to you and you're not really sure now that you're looking at this face what direction this person is facing it looks like she's one side of her face is looking to the left one side is looking right at you but you're also kind of looking at the back of her head oh you've now drawn the attention of mother never was uh no never mind I I nothing just one of those that's where we're gonna end it for this week uh I've been your game master Sean O'Hara joining me as always playing tacoma dome the barbarian Abdul Aziz so long everybody playing ving the half-elf druid Paul Oppers uh take care bye playing fat billy the halfling thief jessica tie bye everyone uh and playing tass tass hey playing jake jake hello playing megan megan hey and playing kim kim thank you for having us thank you for joining us along with rev hanging out as well I'm here too thanks for chilling everybody he's like remember me I talked at the beginning and thank you to the crit show and crit show listeners we hope we pray for coming by uh we'll catch you next time bye bye you!

You I'm guys. Okay. And there are things and they, they happened. If you want to hear the actual conclusion, part two of the finale, head over to the crit shows feed right now. You're going to love it. And you got to subscribe to that feed. You got to subscribe to the feed. You got to subscribe to their feed. You got to subscribe to our feed. This is the last episode that we're going to be releasing for this amazing crossover.

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