Tag: Patreon Bonus

All right yeah what's your plan for asking out people to this dance it's gonna be hard we can do it we can do it you can do it mindy is probably totally in love with you so I wouldn't worry about it at all yeah definitely yeah what was the last thing you said to her like what was the last thing you guys did I burped okay that works yeah I mean it shows you that you're a man we were at the roller rink oh that's nice yeah were you guys there together no okay no we were both at a roller rink yeah how close were you guys when you burped oh uh I mean she skated by and said hi franklin's nice to see you can't wait until it's swimming season again and then I went to say hi and I I just burped horribly you was having bergam fruit um soda swamp water and it was not good I think I got some spittle on her she fell over I knocked her over on her roller skates did you help her up I was so scared I burped and ran um I saw somebody else pick her up though I'm sure that she was okay but I couldn't do it that's fucking hilarious did you help her up of course I thought about doing it but I left instead uh okay so franklin's gonna ask out mindy yeah okay you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you

And now we enter downtime we got to unwind from the holiday season charles eve has passed sundip has passed what have the cool tree kids been up to in terms of downtime activities and also lifetime activities uh one of the charles eve the after charles eve uh traditions is going around and taking the tinsel out of all the cat's asses as they can't pass it through their system all the way god I'm so sorry you have to wear a rubber glove and you just hold on it and and then they walk away you look away how the fuck did we get this fucking job this sucks I'm sorry just grin and pinch that's what the cool treat kids did for days after you just somebody from the mall showed up at the sugar shack and was like hey kids bad news well it's because they pay because it's they pay for tinsel so there's somebody out there who we and then we wash it in a vat and we sell it back to this guy it's like oh just like selling copper wire clover was doing it for free she loves cats are you fucking serious we've been doing this for fucking free I love it I'll do it anytime I like paul's thing that like you nobody asked you to do it you collect it to set to wash it and sell it back to somebody like oh yeah like tin cans that's why we have all those steel drums that's what we were using the fucking don't get the barrels mixed up the clean tinsel and the dirty tinsel oh man that's why fenton was stuck because he was like oh no I mixed them up I gotta separate them all I better get in there and smell the barrel dirty tinsel and the clean tinsel oh so gross it's almost impossible to tell the difference between these I fucking swear to god turns out the clean tinsel is dirty tinsel well because this has been going on for literally decades like people have been washing the tinsel and selling it back to this one dude who sells all the tinsel in the mall during the holidays smoky yeah smoky the tinsel guy and he's got one of these voices because he smokes a lot who's who did that one yeah so that's from so smoky is from jansen oh yeah thank you for jansen for that name or thanks jansen smoky proprietor of tinsel town so should we tell people what we're doing here yeah oh this is this is one of the things that can happen if you join our patreon at the very fine chef level you can suggest a name for an npc or a place and maybe it gets into the show so yeah smoky proprietor of tinsel town courtesy of jansen thank you jansen what's up kids I'm smoky hey thanks for all the tinsel I really appreciate he's got big fat cigar in his mouth no problem you pay more for the clean tinsel right because we spent so much fucking time on this it depends where'd you get the dirty stuff from well these cats and I point a bunch of cats they came with the cats are eating the tinsel so yeah they're like where are you going with all that tinsel oh they follow me because I have like bags of treats nice I'm like yeah good boy but because you're keeping them around we've had to do our jobs like three times because they keep fucking eating the tinsel you know what I'll pay you more for the clean stuff if you make sure those cats get the hell out of here I'm allergic to cats well maybe you'll pay us a little bit more and we won't leave that's what I said right now right yeah sorry fuck don't here's a here's a piece of advice kid don't try and shake somebody down with information they just gave you sorry smoky we won't do it again no it's okay I like you kids I like your ego and he gives you a little handful of spear bucks and maybe you give us a couple more spear bucks or else we'll leave these cats behind I don't think you know how shaking people down works the first rule is don't try and shake down people four times your size smoky's huge tall and wide he's got a big fat cigar and a little mustache and he's got a big fat mustache and a little mustache and a little mustache and a little mustache and he's got a he's got a tuxedo that doesn't fit very well so that his dickie is sticking up because he's too big and it's too small can you believe this tuxedo still fits me I wear this to my prom um sorry this is perfect someone uh paul not that one said suggested dick hotman if you need a suave gentleman npc there you go yeah you have a brother his yeah his brother's name's dick hotman make sure you see my brother dick on the way out okay what does he have to give us just directions on how to get out of here because there's a lot of smoke in this place my eyes are really red right now and maybe if you give us a couple extra spear bucks we'll not leave his cats behind yeah I can't find my cats they're all lost in the smoke I lean over a clover I I grab her her shirt and I'm like I think I'm fucking allergic to these cats I don't know what's going on we need to get the fuck out of here okay come on let's go let's go I can't see my eyes are swollen I take his hand and put it on the back of my uh headband and in the uh in the uh distance you hear this way children the exit is over here is that you mr hotman that is me dick hotman come over here children allow me to lead you out of this establishment my brother has filled with smoke I mean okay I trust him and you come over and he is uh he is really short and skinny and his tuxedo is way too big who does your laundry we share clothes we have been the same size roughly since birth as we are two twin brothers and he's smoking a really long thin cigarette in a holder thanks not that paul for uh for dick hotman dick hotman and jansen for the twin brothers all right so now we have these spirit bugs how many do we get uh let's say 10 cool sick I'm washing my eyes out under the water fountain I'm in the water fountain just a just a public water fountain yeah oh like a water fountain yeah not a drink drinking I stumbled away to the wrong kind of fountain clover's like man let's go to the fountain and fenn's like good idea yeah you just you see him climb up the stairs and he's like I'm in the water fountain and he's like side and tumbling oh yeah that's the stuff guys it's so much cleaner in here than most of our water and isn't fenn's hair really curly so you get in the water and it's just like afterwards it sucks up all the moisture that's how curly hair works right not really no okay wait so it's just plastic it's longer yeah oh my god you see how long fenton's hair actually is because this is the first oh my god bath he's had in a year he looks beautiful gorgeous I get it I get it it's that thing kiss me and I'm like whipping my hair back and forth and then I put I put it in front of me and I like whip it back like I'm in a panty and pro v commercial and you whip it too hard and fall backwards into the fountain again whoa it's down like to my butt basically so long wow you you you a a a a a

I'm going to put on a Charles Eve sweater and I'm going to slick my hair over so I look good for the photo. Fenton really just wants the photo. Yeah, that's cute. And Borbo comes out after dadding himself up and he's got khaki shorts that go above the knee. They're pleated. Pleated khaki shorts that are like way above the knee. He's got socks pulled up to midway in his calf. Black socks. Yeah. No, I was thinking white socks. White socks? With like shitty running shoes on them. Yeah.

Polo shirt, wraparound sunglasses, a mustache that's gray. And a hat that he got in a box of alcohol. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It says like Amber Mead in like really stylish font. Yeah. And he has a weird looking contraption and a holster on his belt. What the fuck is that? Don't worry about it, bro. And now comes the engagement role. You've got your plan and now we got to see how you pull off the beginning. So is this operation particular? Is this operation particularly bold or daring? No.

Stealing a man? It's kind of bold. I don't think we've ever done that. Just drugging Santa Claus. And putting him in a bag and trying to sneak him out of a hideout of the barbecue cake. Bold at least. Okay. So yeah. Plus one die. Does the plan's detail expose a vulnerability of the target or hit them where they're weakest? No. I don't think so. Okay. Okay. Can any of your friends or contacts provide aid or insight for this operation? Yeah. Borbo. Yeah. Borbo. So that's two.

The Barbecue Kings are a higher tier than you. They are a higher tier. So we'll maybe take one away for that. No. It's just because they're going to be more prepared for this kind of stuff. Okay. Fuck. But you also get one base. So that's what you got for engagement role. So we need to get a six? So basically how it works is it's like up to one to three. The failure would be the first role you're going to do is desperate. Four to five, it will be risky. And on a six, it'll be controlled. Okay.

Yeah. Okay. Here we go. Yes. Oh. Yes. There you go. So what this tells me is that Borbo pulls off the meeting without a hitch. He goes to the cave. He's like, hey, what's up? I got my kids here and I'm ready for… We made a little appointment for a little certain thing happening in a little certain basement. And he's like winking a lot at this guy. He tips down his wraparound sunglass and is like, can I help a dad out? And we try and help him sell it. Yeah. We're trying to be his shitty kids.

Yeah. Yeah. So what does that look like? I am just like kicking at whatever signpost is there. Yeah. It's clanging away. Yeah. What is Franklin's shitty kid look like? He's like rolling his eyes at his dad, just really making him try and feel lame. Again, like apologizing behind him, being like, like they have a jerk out hand gesture. Yeah. Just like looking at him like, fuck this guy. You're the cool team. You're the cool team.

You're just like embarrassed anytime your dad has to talk to anybody. Yeah. Cool. Great. What is Fenton's shitty kid look like? He's got a chocolate bar that he's eating. He's even though he is eating right now. He's like, can we go get burritos after this? And so with all this happening around him, Borba was looking at the, at the attendant, like, look, my, my wife's really got my beans under a brick. You got to help me. Holy fuck. And then Fenton's like, I don't know.

I don't want beans on my burrito. I don't want beans. And the attendance like, very well, sir. Come, come, come with me.

And you see the various incredibly gaudy restaurants of the barbecue kings laid out before you. And there's like girls in front of each of them with trays that are like, hey, try our thing. Come inside. Yeah. Mini sliders. Wearing togas, like animal print. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. One arm things. I kind of want that to be like one restaurant's thing. Like it's definitely still cave theme, but one of them, maybe the biggest one is like. The cave. Yeah, the cave. And it's caveman themed.

And then there are other restaurants that are other themed, semi-casual family style. Oh, the man cave isn't just one restaurant. That's what it's kind of like a food court of restaurants. You know, when you're like at the airport and there's like the section of like, you can eat here. Yeah. But it's probably near another food court of other restaurants. Yeah, totally. And this is all of the slightly out of fashion now. Sit down family style, semi-casual. Can you all describe one?

That's what I was about to ask. I'm so glad Jessica's got an idea, I think. So Jessica, go first. Oh, Earl's. It's just Earl's? It's just exactly the same as our university. Yeah, but it's, yeah. They serve things like shrimp scampi and then like Baja fish tacos. And the dad is named Earl. Yeah, of course. Of course. Run by Earl. What are the girls outside giving out samples look like? Oh, they are wearing. Just like black mini dresses. And they have a lot of makeup on. Great. Oh my God.

Does Fenton have a crush? Yeah, Fenton and Franklin are just staring. We're like, Clover, why don't you do that to your face? I don't know. I could ask them how. Please do. Excuse me, ladies. They're not really sure how to, they're not really trained to deal with kids. Only trained to squeeze tips out of sad old men. So they're like, hi there. Hi, you guys look really pretty. And the waitress that you're talking to is just like, oh, thank you. Aren't you the cutest little thing? Thanks. Thanks.

How do you make your face like that? Like my friend, Fenton. Fenton said, why don't I look like that? And I was like, good question. Why don't I, how do I, how do I do things like with the lines on my eyes and make my mouth colorful? Gotcha. And the waitress that you're talking to is just like, uh, uh, why, why, why do you, why would you want to look at your beautiful, lovely lavender hair? Oh, thank you. Actually, I don't know why I would want colorful lips other than maybe it's just fun.

And okay. Fenton walks up at that point and he's like, uh, Hey there ladies. I just wanted to say that you're both looking quite lovely today. And as I noticed that a lot of the other men in this area are given lovely ladies money. Here's my money. You give them what? A wad of like four spear books. Uh, we can't, we can't accept. Tips like this little boy. But the way you look makes me want to give you more. No, keep this for yourself. Uh, little girl, you know, makeup is a fun thing.

People can choose to wear makeup if they want to. Uh, and there are plenty of places in the mall that would be more than happy to help you look however you want to look. You also, you don't have to, you don't have to wear makeup to be pretty. Fenton's trying to, he's really trying to give him money. I have to slap your hand. Stop there. He said, no, you can't force people. Take money. And I bet it's just like, I don't know what's going on in my head. I can't stop giving them money.

Just put it in your pocket. And he goes to put it in his pocket and just like, Oh, I can't fold back. I go, wow. Here we go again. I take the money. I'll be holding on. I'll hold on to it.

Charles Eve, okay. Feeling good. Mariah Carey. Okay, or not. No, I did remember Mariah Carey again. We'll be better at it the second time. There is just one thing I need. It's Seamus. Of course, no surprise. I just want you to kiss me. All you would ever know is my love. Pretty good. Seamus, all I want for Christmas. Charles Eve. Charles Eve is you. Barbara's going nuts. All I need to do is dance right. Then I can get all the respect I couldn't get from my real parents.

Because they died and abandoned me. I just think it's a good time to put your worries aside and celebrate. A bowl of meatballs in a bigger bowl of Pepto Bismol. And the best. Best thing about the holidays of Christmas Eve. Let's wait for the next verse. Is when. No, not yet. Okay, wait. Barbara's like, okay, dude, just slow down. Slow down. Barbara's correcting us. Now. Best thing about Charles Eve. Is when you get your Christmas treats. Thrown into the front window. Of your house.

And it is fun. And walk on broken glass to get your gifts. And cut your feet up bad. But that's okay. Because in the gifts there is alcohol swabs and band-aids. And that was. And when we get extra stuff. We will eat the meatballs. Because Charles Eve is about meatballs. Food. And that's you. Barbo. What is up you kids? It's time for Charles Eve. You don't have to worry about Charles getting in here. I'm gonna stop that guy. This thing ends tonight. I'm gonna kick the fucking shit out of Charles.

You're gonna stop that guy. You're gonna stop that guy. He goes into like a hard guitar riff. He drops his guitar. Picks up a guitar. An electric guitar. Oh man. It's alright. You better watch your ass. Charles I'm gonna be nearby. If you fuck with these kids. Charles you're gonna have to deal with me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.

Kneeling we're on one we're all on one knee and like pointing at borblow that's a borblow grew up wondering like how come nobody ever fucking stops this guy you the shot pans out and you can see that we are caroling at different stores just making yeah that was that was the opening montage of this episode of spout more Mall Brats how you doing everybody I'm your game master show Sean O'Hara and playing fenton beasley the slide Abdul Aziz hello playing franklin stein the cutter Paul Oppers hey and playing clover ivy fern the whisper jessica tie hi

So I need to spend a stress to do a flashback. Ooh. Okay. Cool. All right. Tell me about the flashback. So he's buying a bunch of rats. Okay. Wait, buying? Rats are free. That's what Franklin and Clover tell Fenton after the fact. Everybody buys a bunch of rats. They're free, dummy. They're everywhere. Look at, I got all these rats for only 15 coin. 15 coin. Can I take all the spear bucks? I take all the spear bucks. Yeah, there's nine spear bucks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know a rat guy.

You got a guy. What about Dwat has a friend? Oh, yeah. The rat guy. Dwat's the snake guy. He knows a rat guy, though. Dwat, you know a rat guy, right? Yeah, I know a rat guy. Where is he? In the abandoned cheese factory. Yeah, they're near the cheese factory. The old cheese factory. This conversation's happening while Dwat's head is poked out of the tent. Yeah. He's right. He's really sweaty. His hair's all matted. His beard's, like, been braided and clipped into his hair.

What is happening in there? Yeah, it's just good to get it out of the way sometimes. Oh, God. Anyways, you know where the cheese factory is, right? Or was, I suppose. Yeah, it's in the collapsed part of the mall, right? Yeah, it's in the collapsed part of the mall. Okay, yeah, I'm going to go there. Charles' cheese. Charles' cheese. Charles' cheese collapsed on Charles Eve. And then Dwat goes, okay, well, I'll see you later.

And he's very careful to make sure you can't see anything between the flaps of the tent as he closes it around his face. You hear this. Ooh. And a little giggle. And you're going to a different part of the mall that we've never been to that's collapsed. Yes. Cool. And so you're going to a place that is called Charles' cheese or the old cheese factory. But it's not a factory factory. It's like a restaurant. It's like a restaurant that used to serve cheese-based things.

But it's been since collapsed and empty. So you enter this cheese factory and it's dark. There's light coming in from like skylights that have fallen down at weird angles. So there's beams of light cutting across this dark and dusty restaurant. Hello. Skitter, skitter, skitter. I'm looking for the rat man. Rat man. Oh, you're looking for the rat man, are you? Are you? And it like echoes around the room. And it's like, I guess he's like trying to turn around, but he's still on his bike.

He's trying to get his bike. He's picking it up and doing that like skitter in a circle thing. Looking for the rat man, huh? I'm trying to find the rat man. The rats are looking for you as well. Skitter, skitter, skitter. Rat man, I want to buy some rats from you. You want to buy some rats, do you? Just fucking stop doing this. I just want to buy some rats. He doesn't know who you are. He doesn't trust you. Oh. Rat man. I'm the rat man. I live with the rats. What? Can I do a consort? Yeah.

But I mean, literally, if you would just tell him who you were, who sent you here, it might help. Okay. I'm Fenton from the Cool Tree Kids. And I was sent here by God himself. What the fuck? Fenton. Rats. It's weird. Fenton's very weird. Rats know no God. Rat God. The God of Rats. Rats, rats, rats, rats, rats.

And you walk back to town. The sun continues to rise in the sky. It's still pretty early in the morning. And you get back to the edge of Lone Tree Hill. And as you're walking through the main road, passing pretty close to the barn where Billy was illegally sleeping, you hear, there they are. There he is. And there's a group of halflings at old Bill's farm. And they run over to you. Oh, no. Hide behind Fred Lee and Chip.

And Bill has his pitchfork and his little floppy straw hat and his overalls that are hanging off one shoulder. Whoa. Chip jumps out front. And he goes, there he is. There's that little scamp, Billy. He's the one what stole the cow. What? I didn't steal a cow. Watch where you're pointing that thing. And Fred Lee takes a sharpened stick out of his own pocket. And he's like, it wasn't Billy who stole your fucking cow. Well, Billy was sleeping in my barn this morning.

He must have been staking out the cow. And then the second I turned my back, he grabbed her reins and he scampered off into the woods. He's been with us the whole time. Oh, well, maybe that means you've been with him the whole time. And the halflings are like, oh, no, they wouldn't. Accomplices, accomplices. What the fuck? How am I supposed to steal the cow? I have tried so many times to steal the cow. And I have never succeeded. So you admit it. You want to steal. The cow. Okay.

Who doesn't want to steal the cow? Everyone. Every hand in town shoots up in the air. Sorry. Really? Martha, I overheard you saying that you wish you own Daisy. Well, of course I wish I own Daisy. She's beautiful. Yeah. So and you were saying like, boy, quotes word for word. If if Bill wasn't such a nosy little shit, I would take Daisy right under his big fat nose. You roll two to six plus to his mouth. Eight. Fuck. Yes. Bill says, Martha, is it true? And Martha stammers a bit.

And Martha goes, no, it's not true. He's trying to so discontent within the town. And I want to back Billy up. So I go and I heard a big I'm over there. Say that he was sleeping with Martha. Yeah. Up in the stakes. Significantly. Wow. Two to six plus charisma. Yeah. Okay. It's a plus one. Three. Huge swing. Wild. Incredible. Miss. And Bill jabs his pitchfork in your direction. He's quite far away. And he goes, quiet, friendly. Everybody knows your parents. Potatoes are of poor quality.

Hey, you leave his parents out of this. And he turns to the rest of the town's people, the town's halflings. And he says, folks, our beloved cow cow has gone missing on the eve of Charles Eve Eve. And if we don't get that cow back before Charles Eve Eve, then we're not going to be able to have our traditional. Charles Eve feast. A big. And you hear people going, we won't be able to make the balls. We're going to be ball. Less. We're going to have the balls.

We're going to be ballers on Charles Eve. What about the bowl of communal cream that we all sip from fruit with long straws simultaneously? Everybody in town at the same time. If I don't get my cream, this Charles Eve, I'm going to lose my fucking mind. Cool it. Dina. Dina was a halfling this whole time. Yeah. Maybe she's just there. Yeah. Dina is towering over the rest of the town. She's six times taller than everybody here.

And old Bill turns around and he says, Billy, if that cow isn't back in my paddock by Charles Eve Eve, that's the final straw. We're running you out of town for the last time. You're going to be eating your words, old man. We'll see about that, kids. We'll see. Yeah. His face is so red. Yeah. And he throws his floppy little straw hat on the ground. He stalks back into his farmhouse. The townsfolk cross their arms and look at you in discontent before dispersing.

And as they disperse, Fred Lee goes, yeah, that's right. You better run. And he does a bunch of karate moves. Chip goes and gets that straw hat. Puts it on. Yeah. You'd run away, you big chick. And you as you yell that you see Milborg and Mildred and they look you right in the eye, Chip. And they shake their heads.