Tag: RPG Podcast

Okay, let's do the theme tune. Yeah. I can't put my phone. Let's just do it with our mouths and do the Pirates of the Caribbean theme. That's got to be the best pirate I've ever seen. So it would seem. Welcome to Spout Lore, everybody. We've been watching Pirates of the Caribbean memes, and we're ready to play a game of Dungeon World. I'm your game master, Sean O'Hara, captain of this here podcasting vessel. And to my left, first mate Abdul Aziz playing Tacoma Dome, the Barbarian. Hey.

And straight in front of me, first mate playing Ving, the half-elf, druid Paul Oppers. Hello. And first mate Jessica Tai playing Fat Billy, the halfling thief. Yes. So I thought you were going to say more. Nope, that was it.

And when we last left our heroes, they had successfully, quote unquote, stolen the aimless wanderer from Pier One through a series of very hectic events, including a jailbreak, swimming through a pier, finding gunpowder, accidentally pouring it out on the ground, hiding in a tiny barrel, dressing like a hunchback, and calling upon the powers of the winds themselves to steal a vessel, which has taken them out to sea.

And now wind, the spirit of wind that has helped you, does not want to give up control of the ship. And that is where we find ourselves now, on the deck of a pitching ship at sea. Ving is in control. Well, Ving was steering the ship until a moment ago. And Billy and Tuck have been watching, it would seem. And also doing the Pirates of the Caribbean theme. And stomping our feet and slapping our legs. Yeah. To give Ving moral support. Yeah. Is this helping?

This is helping a lot, but use some physical support as well. All right, let's do it. And we go up and we start rubbing his back and going, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Better, better. Thank you. Billy's just rubbing like his calf. Yeah, I'm rubbing the calves. So yeah. Ving starts going, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Please don't sue us, Walt Disney Company. Please don't sue us. Oh, wait, please do sue us. Yeah, we would love that publicity.

So yeah, Ving, what do you do? I drop the sails. Yeah, so you just run up and cut the line or whatever? No, no, I'm holding on the ropes. Yeah, and just untie everything. Yeah. Just let them fall. Okay. Yeah, so the sails all flutter down. It's sort of like an emergency thing where you just cut them all and they fall down onto the deck. And the ship is like skidding basically. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. With the residual energy from the wind.

And you feel the air start swirling around the deck, like fluttering your clothes and knocking things over. And Ving, you hear, this was not the deal. And wind is like whipping around harder and harder. Holy shit. Yeah, Billy, you're starting to like get lifted up a little bit off the ground. Billy language. Sorry, I just felt a barf in my mouth. And I didn't know how to keep it down. Ving, what do you do? Wind is perturbed. What is… Yeah, what does wind want? Yeah, what is…

What do wind want? The price was I get to take this ship and I get to sail around. And now you have robbed me of that. I mean, I guess I can talk to it. You sure can. We will… We owe you. Don't worry, you'll get your chance. Wind, you are the master here. We are but your sail servants. And you feel the wind get stronger and stronger as it whips around the deck. And you feel the ship start to creak back and forth. Well, these are pretty sturdy ships. These are pretty sturdy. Right?

Creaking more and more. It can handle a lot of wind, right? But not maybe capital W wind. And the deck starts pitching pretty aggressively side to side. So wind is like, what do you offer? What if we ride it out? Okay, we'll ride it out. To try and like sail this… Appease the wind. Like how long does this guy want to blow around for? You know what? That kind of makes sense. It's fleeting. Wind is fleeting. Yeah, wind would like kind of like blow us around. Yeah.

For a while and then like get bored with us. That's true. You know what guys? Tuck in for a sail. We're going for a rep. All right. I grabbed some of the ropes and I tie myself to the big mast. Not what I meant, but it looks cool. I'm not taking any chances over here. Yeah. Wind starts dragging the ship around. How is Tuck strapping in? I guess I'm helping Vig. I'm like… Yeah. I'm helping him like raise the sails again. Okay. I'm being… I'm not telling him what to do.

I'm showing him what to do so that he can sail. Yeah. And wind is now… Wind is starting to push the ship around in like… It's almost playing with the boat. Like you're saying, wind is fleeting and it's having a pretty good time and it starts pulling itself and the ship back towards the dock, like closer into the bay because it sees all these other ships with all these other sails that it could also have fun with. Oh, no. So it's like you're getting closer.

You're starting to go back towards Crystal Bay. There's less wind to be had in the bay. Can I parlay with wind? Absolutely. I will parlay with the wind. Shit. Four. Okay. So yeah, what happens is the ship start… The wind starts pushing you further into the bay and getting closer and closer to all the ships that are docked. And wind says like, you're no fun. There are further winds for me. And starts like blowing into the sails of all the ships in the bay.

And all of these start picking up and moving out of the bay. And you feel the wind in your sails like billow out as you're coasting like off to the side, basically just to the wards of the shore and all that like a handful, maybe a dozen boats of different sizes in the bay start picking up and being pushed out into the bay as you're left and you hear people shouting and screaming and people falling off of decks and stuff like that. But wind has left you for more fun times. Cool. Go ships. Yep.

And now the ships are leaving and there's a huge commotion in the bay. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Are we on the left side of the bay or are we near the pirates? If you're facing Crystal Bay, yeah, you're actually moving towards more the beach where the pirate cave is. Nice. Yeah. How do we get there? You're just moving towards like you're pointed at the beach being flung in that direction. Well, can we drop anchor? Well, I guess we could drop anchor. Yeah, you could. Or?

I was, I literally didn't even think of that. I was just like, hell yeah, we're just going to deliver it right to their doorstep. Yeah, exactly. Not like, oh, we're going to deliver it right to their doorstep. Oh, no. So yeah, what do you guys do? We know very little about sailing. Yeah. So what do you do? Well, yeah, do I think we do it. Bing does. We drop anchor. Okay. Yeah. Get the anchor. Sure. I untie myself and then I run to the anchor and I try to lift it.

So you run up and there's like a little latch at the bottom of this. A column with handles on the top. Yeah. And you run up and you just stomp on it and it goes click and the sail goes ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Oh, that's easier than I thought it was. I thought I had to lift it up. Never would Billy be able to do that. So you drop, drop, drop, drop, drop, drop.

And you hear it hit the bottom and the whole boat as it was going pretty fast when you dropped anchor just goes hold on tight. Boom. And Billy tumbles into something. Into the rails. Into the rails and roll the D6. One. Billy bonks his head and takes one damage. And you guys roll defy danger. Dexterity? Dexterity if you're just trying to keep your footing. Strength if you're holding onto something. Okay. Strength onto the wheel. Seven. Yeah. I'm not close.

I'm just kind of in the middle of the deck. Like a fucking ding-a-ling. Yeah, totally. Goes limp. I'm literally just like looking around being like, wow, the ocean is beautiful. Seven plus dexterity? Yeah. Is seven. Yeah. Okay. So Ving, you got what? I got seven as well. Okay, great. So yeah, just each of you roll a D6. Nothing too bad. Four. Oh my God. Three. Ving, you're thrown bodily into the wheel. Thing's in rough shape. I'm in really rough shape. How many hit points do you have left? Four.

Left? That's it? Yeah. You hear like your sternum like . Oh man. And Tuck, so how much damage did Tuck take? Two. Two. So he's just standing in the middle of the deck like, wow, this is crazy. And then the anchor catches and the boat lurches and he's just right on his face, like from standing to laying down in a second. Oh. But that's where you're at. Your boat is now anchored just off the bay. Cool. And there's a huge commotion going on at the docks. So yeah, what do you do?

We get in that little skiff and we go towards the cave. But before we go, should we like get rid of all of the markers that like would be like, hey, this is the aimless wanderer that we just stole? Oh yeah. Good. Wow. Great question. I mean, there's the fat centaur on top. The sails are all centaur-y. But we drop the sails. Yeah. And then what if we just smash the centaur up front? Yeah, I was thinking that. You could definitely do that. Yeah. Fuck it up a little bit.

Is that what Tuck is going to do? Yeah. It feels like. A Tuck move? Yeah. Okay. So yeah, I defy danger strength, I guess. 10. Yeah. That's a good one. I'm going to say 10. Yeah. That makes sense. So what does Tuck do? He just takes his ax and he smashes the centaur off the front of the ship. And it just tumbles down, sploosh, into the water. Whoa. A big, solid metal, really well rendered statue of the centaur. Hey, you got to spend money to make money. Yeah. That's what he says into the ocean.

And what are you doing with the name? Are you just hacking at the wood on the side? Yeah. I guess I'll just scrape at it. Can we change it? Can we change it into something else? Yeah. What can we change it into? What do you guys rename the boat? So it's called the aimless wanderer. Yeah. Lameless. Well, yeah, we could definitely make aimless just less. Uh-huh. Less dander. Yeah. I like that. Less dander. All right. Beautiful. Yeah. I'm leaning over this side and I'm like, less dander? Yeah.

Try that. Yeah. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, Oh, great. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Fat billy and the boys tacoma dome and ving the half elf druid oh god I'm sorry it's okay you don't have to bring race into it oh you're right yeah we have explained to billy multiple times not to do accents to people's faces do it behind their back I'm sorry where we can all laugh at it just seems like they might like me more if I do their accent yeah and he kind of does you know the guy comes out he's got a little punch on him he's like ah you be you little one yes I love your voice and he scoops you up why thank you and then I look at you guys like see it's like I I take it your job has been a success we have heard many rumblings from the decks we point to the aimless wanderer right in their bay my word the less dead a ship I have not heard of but one that we are more than more than happy to excuse me hey sorry is ruby home yes thank you come on in boys takes you into the caves and ruby is um not on her throne she's in like a a workout room doing vocal warm-up yeah she's singing and she's got her sword she's doing like sword forms and also singing some mccollan song and it's very so I'm gonna go ahead and do that and then we'll see you in a minute stylish the more practical fighters amongst you realize this might not be the most effective fighting style but it's certainly pretty it looks a lot like stage combat yeah you see like people rush at her from the edges of the room and she goes and they go whoa and then she does that classic lady sword fighter in an action movie thing where she goes and points the sword down at the ground and looks over her shoulder at you she goes ah I see you have returned oh I see you see us she looks at us and there's like a pause where we're just like and she smiles and she wipes a little sweat off her head and she grabs a a water bottle pops the top spray some in her mouth throws it on the ground have you been successful in returning my vessel to me yeah yeah yes were there any complications along the way yes there was a bunch so many complications along the way there was a bunch of complications along the way there was a bunch of so many problems.

You made us steal a fucking boat. We're pirates now. You were pirates. This is how piracy began. Theft begets theft begets adventure, my friends. And the cosmetics? Oh. Oh. Fuck. You're gonna have to get those yourself. We cannot go back there. They know our faces and our names. I can tell you which hidey hole it's in, but I cannot take you there. That's not bad. That's not a bad compromise. She sheathes her sword and throws it on a bench. She goes, that was not our accord.

I thought it was, if you can get the cosmetics, get the cosmetics. I don't think I would agree to something so foolish. I think you did, though. Either way, we didn't get the makeup, for Christ's sake. Yeah. But you returned the ship. And you can just get more makeup. It will take many moons to replenish our stores. We will have to disappear many more spa workers from the Emerald. That will be difficult in itself.

But I suppose, with a ship in my employ once more, my work will be somewhat easier. Though, thanks to you, not at all. Excuse me? We got the boat back to you. We did all the hard work and embarrassed ourselves. Look at Tuck's face. Am I ugly now, for some reason? You're covered in shit. Did I become ugly somehow? Tuck's getting really self-conscious about this. Do not feel too bad about yourself. Beauty is a subjective quality. That's something you say to ugly people.

Why is everyone treating me ugly now? Tuck, you're a very good friend. You're so generous. And you seem like you are very fit. What? What is happening? What changed? Nevertheless, our deal is half done. Which means that I will do half of your task for you. Our agreement was? We will steal the ship and slash, or the cosmetics. And you get our friend Allison out of Crystal Bay. Secretly. Hmm. What do we think? What's her halfway? Half of Allison. You pick top or bottom, left or right.

That's psychotic. She thinks for a moment, and then she's like, I will do this for you. Out of the goodness of my heart, for fellow warriors, fellow peoples of the world, we will transport your friend. We need time to ensure that our vessel is seaworthy and that the heat dies down, as it were. I've heard many tales from the docks and the piers. Customs officer Jack Boot is on your tail.

That is not something that I wish to dip myself into, so in two days' time, we will take your friend from these shores. Thank you. Sounds good. In exchange for spiriting your friend from these shores into safety, six months' service as part of my crew. Six months? Six months? Service? Jesus fuck. We've actually never had a real job. Yeah. Wait, six months doing the same thing? Jesus Christ. But half a year? That's like my whole life. The traditional service is three years.

Oh my god, I'll be dead by then. That seems like a lot. Maybe like two weeks? Your time for negotiating has long passed. No. Feels like we're negotiating. We're still here. Where are we going? Where I will. How about you and I? Square off. Mono a mono. And if you win, we'll do the full six-month stint. And if we win, we'll do a cool easy two weeks where we don't have to do much hard labor. Kind of like a sort of a summer camp sort of a situation.

Yeah, where we do fun activities and we have afternoon naps and then we go for our morning swims. And we, you know, kind of like… You guys kind of take care of most of the cooking. It's like a workcation. Yeah, and we don't do much cleaning because we also don't make a lot of mess. It's kind of like a live-work kind of thing. You stay out of our way, we'll stay out of yours. And you'll kind of show us around. You can show us the ropes, but we don't touch the ropes. Yeah. Unbelievable. Okay.

You gotta roll a parlay. Oh yeah, that's a parlay. Fuck me. Okay. This is eight. Two charisma's two. Damn. Okay, she… She agrees. She's like, single combat is the way of pirate law. Many a decision has been made at the edge of a blade. Do we have to use blades or can we just do open? No, yeah. She doesn't want to kill you. She doesn't want you to kill her. What if she has those practice sticks? Oh, training staff. Oh yeah, totally. Hell yes. Yeah, yeah. Bow staff. Sure.

Classic Robin Hood and Lil Jon. I think that you can agree that both of us is much more valuable living than dead. Yes. So this will not be a fight to the death. Preferably not. Perhaps a fight… Especially because if you kill me, I can't serve six months on your ship. Yes, and if you kill me, I'm dead. And that sounds awful for me. It's not that bad. And she walks over. She's very, very like saunters over to a rack of weapons. And she quickly grabs two staffs and she throws one to you.

I catch it. Oh, I thought it hit you in the back of the head. Yeah. She walks over and walks over to the rack and you turn around like, I'm going to fight her. And as you turn around, she throws it at you. Bang. Ow. And you see like a short little pirate that's in the room, like one of her guards run out and then you hear him go, Morpheus! Morpheus! Morpheus! Morpheus! Morpheus! Morpheus! Neo! And everybody runs back.

And the room starts filling up with other Crystal Bay pirates like, oh my God, they're going to fight. Oh my God, he's going to fight Ruby. Oh my God, nobody's fought Ruby in years. No one dares to fight Ruby. They're all getting in my way. So I'm like trying to get to the front. So I'm like, I can't see. It's a lot of calves. You're climbing up Milton. Milton, get over here. You dumb little bitch. Okay, so I like, I take off all my gear. Like I take off my little backpack and I throw it to Bay.

And then I take my axe and I throw it at Billy. And I take off my loincloth and I throw it to Milton. That's such a dumb joke. No, it's great. And I, yeah, I get into like a fighting stance. Are you nude right now? Yes. Okay, everybody's like, oh. And I'm like, I hope you don't mind. I fight better nude. I hope you don't mind. I will be clothed. And she twirls her staff very impressively. Oh, like does one to the side behind the back.

And she does that cool, like leader of the parade thing where she throws it up in the air a little bit. It goes, poof, catches it with one hand. I look at these guys and I'm like, fuck. He helicopters his dick. So upsetting. She looks away like, come on. This is my art. And Billy looks at Ving. Oh, I was just saying like, oh, he's fucked. Language, Billy. Billy started taking bets from like. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. People are like, there's money changing hands right now. There's a huge hubbub.

Yeah. I'm going to have to bet for Ruby. Holy shit. Cold blooded. Billy, you piece of shit. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to get us as much money as we can. That is demoralizing. Like everybody's seeing how huge Tuck is, but the odds on Tuck winning are still like three to one. Okay, I'm going to bet. Place bets for both. Cover your odds. I want to do this. How much are we betting? Well, I don't think I have money. Oh, okay. So you're betting. Hold on.

You're just betting things Billy has in his backpack. Yeah, exactly. Okay. We have lots of money. No, I'm betting things I have. Okay. Billy, sometimes he goes in his pocket and he picks up weird shit. I bet this feather on Ruby. And then I bet these three purple rocks on Tuck. And Milton's like, okay, so if Ruby wins, you get two feathers. Yes. And if Tuck wins. You get six, nine, nine purple rocks. Six rocks. Can you do math? No. How much did you? I put three purple rocks.

And three to one means that you get three times your bet back. Oh, I didn't know that. It's okay. You're small. Any other bets? Any other bets? Yeah, I got 20 bucks on the big guy. Okay. Thanks, buddy. And that means a lot to me that you bet on me. And Ruby's like, betting is now closed. The fight begins. And she starts, like, circling. Okay. I want to use war cry. When you enter the battle with a show of force, roll plus charisma. On a 10 plus, you get both of these effects.

On a seven to nine, you only get one. Your allies are rallied and take plus one forward. And your enemies feel fear and act accordingly. Okay. Two to six plus charisma. Six plus. Two is eight. Okay, cool. So you got a partial success. So you get one of those. My enemies feel fear. Okay. So what is Tuck's war cry? And what's the show of force that he… Like, you have to do something like, I'm crazy. So it's the kind of thing where there's mirrors on one side of the room.

Like, as there is in a standard dance studio. And I was like… Thank you for setting that up. I'm like, blood feet rules. I run at the mirrors. And I run up the wall, smash the mirrors. And I try and kick off to land. And I'm like, I'm gonna get on my feet. Uh-huh. You don't have to roll for that. Defy Danger Dexterity? No, you did. This is the war cry. This is your show of force. Okay. So I kick off the walls. And then I land in, like, the superhero crouch. The Iron Man three-point landing?

Yeah, totally. It is technically four points because your dick is touching the ground. Great. Everybody scatters out of the way as you run towards the mirror. And you do this flip and Ruby's just… Just standing there with the staff in her hands like, oh, boy. So now she's, like, demoralized. She's like, this guy's dangerous. I have to be careful. Yeah. And he likes blood feet, which is objectively shitty music. Yeah. She's heard blood feet. She's like, they're bad. They're really bad. Okay.

So yeah, roll your hack and slash. 11. Roll your damage. Two. So she's holding back. She walks backwards a few steps. She's kind of keeping you as far away as she can right now. Mm-hmm. Making little jabs as you come at her. But what do you do? I do, like, kind of like… Samurai run in. Mm-hmm. And since it's kind of, like, the first hit, I'm, like, testing her reaction time. So I charge her using my intimidation advantage that I have. Yeah. As I run past, I smack her on the back of the calves.

Oh, yeah. To, like, try and buckle her knees. Yeah. And you hit her in one of her legs, like, in the back of one of her knees. And she goes down, but she turns it into a roll and, like, rolls up and then gets back on her feet and jumps around. But she's like, fuck, that hurt. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And I'm like, is there anybody that bet on Ruby now that they've seen Tuck, like, thunder across the room?

Like, when Tuck charges, I imagine it's very scary. Yeah. Because it's just like, boom, boom, boom. You can hear people being like, what was it, three to one on him? Oh, fuck. Yes. So what's going on with Billy while he's watching this? Well, I'm really excited because I'm looking at my feather like, can't wait to get some more. And Milton's like, oh, Billy, you might want to get ready to make some room for some more rocks. This guy's pretty scary. No, I don't care about the rocks.

I'm really interested in the feather. Okay. And what's Bing doing? He's just like, screaming, we're going to be rich, bitch. 60 more coins to our huge pile of coins. It's going to be amazing. Okay. Roll your hack and slash. Holy shit. Oh, boy. Whoa. What? Critical. 12 plus two is 14. Yeah. Roll your damage. Seven. Oh, boy. So what I do on this one is it's another charge. And I faint like I'm going to do like kind of the same move again. But I instead like go slide on my knees.

And then after I pass her, I kind of like turn around and get up and kick her in the bag while doing a air guitar riff on the practice. What a fucking loser. This is so cute. The one thing that she does do because she's really fast. So as you kick her, she realizes that you're trying to get behind her again because that's what you did the first time. Yeah. So she like is able to get face forward. But you kick her. She's like right in the like torso. Holy shit.

And she does that slide where she's got both her feet on the ground, but she slides backwards like six feet. Holy. She's just like. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Are you okay? And actually, I think she takes that like as you're as you sort of do this thing like, oh, are you all right? As you've done this thing, she just darts forward and gives you a crack on the cheek. You don't take any damage because it's just like she. I want to. Oh, do you want to take her full damage? Yeah. What is her damage?

It's 2d 10. Holy shit. It's more just like, boom, stop pitying me and fight. Okay. But she is in like a bad way. Holy shit. Yeah. Okay. Do you want to do one more? Yeah. And now you now that you know how much damage she does, you're like. Yeah. Now I'm intimidated. That was duel is intimidated. Yeah. I felt her hit me and I like I saw her form and I was like, Jesus. Fuck. That hurt. That hurt. She is insane. Yeah. So. Yeah. 2d 6 plus strength. Eight plus two is 10. Yeah. Okay. Roll your damage.

So what I do here is I know that she's like her left hand is fucked because she keeps doing fucking blood oaths. That's true. And she can only use her right hand. So I use that to my advantage. I charge an attack like only on the left. So she has to do a lot of cross body blocks. And then as she's doing. That like I move in close and I just bury my fist into her gut. Yeah. Yeah. Six. You like lift her off the ground. You hit her and she just goes.

And you feel the air just push out of her body and she hits the ground and she has got her staff holding her up and she holds up a hand. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. And she's like gripping her staff with both hands after you high five her. It was her left hand so she didn't really feel it. It's pretty dead. But she picks herself up and she's like. I know a powerful warrior when I see one and I bow to your ability.

As do I and I, I like kneel down and I put the staff behind my back and I give her like a kneeling bow. Okay. Yeah.

Like my queen ultimately like I know that if she wanted us all dead she could so it's like a sign of respect yeah yeah and she's trying to be cool because the flip side of that is that a ruler who leads by force was just obliterated in front of almost her entire crew yeah and I kind of know that so I like I have to yeah like I don't want to be a pirate king yeah so I have to like basically like uh pay respect yeah uh so she you're kneeling on the ground and she kneels down and she takes a small knife off of her belt and she um puts her hand like on the side of your face and what how do these guys react you two are watching this happen it feels like I'm about to be fucking murdered yeah wait I do the thing like my arms come up like ready to grab knives yeah like like a gunslinger yeah he's getting his hands near his belt oh ving jumps into the middle oh so you like enter the ring yeah somebody put like another crew member puts their hand on their on your shoulders and it's like it's it's fine this will be over quickly and she puts a hand on the side of your face and it's like you are now part of this crew as part of this family we fight together we sail together we bleed together and she gives you a quick gash right on the side of your face what the fuck oh that looks really ugly oh small one the shapeshifter uh approach do I have to yes okay if you are if you are bold enough to be a pirate you are bold enough to be initiated I walk and my chest is puffed my breath is held and she uh can't get down to billy's eye level but she gets close enough puts a hand to the side of his face and gives him a smaller cut it's just a small little paper cut basically but it's still bleeds it hurts so much just the shapeshifter I lean in she gives you a cut on the cheek you barely even felt it like water like seawater comes out he's crying uh and now tuck is greg the three of you now have like matching like cuts underneath your left eye like uh kind of horizontal slashes thanks you are now pirates sailors warriors from now on you are now pirates now until eternity I thought we agreed on two weeks until like a fortnight it's a couple weeks really that's all we need to be pirates for yeah until your inevitable burial at sea this is for two weeks you will be members of this crew temporarily until you breathe your last and bleed your last but that probably won't happen now rise and we stand up I stand up I rise and my hand is delicately you are now crystal bay pirates and the whole crew is like and they all gather in and there's like yeah and it's a night of much carousing tuck you're getting a lot of slaps on the back a lot of drinks handed to you throughout the night you guys all have a really great time with the crystal bay pirates there's much eating and drinking did we rest uh yeah you guys can sleep for the night oh and now you guys can heal up yeah so uh what's the rest move so do you heal all the way uh if you recover which is like a full day you heal all the way if you have like a like a few hours of uninterrupted sleep you equal uh you heal up to half okay yeah uh so yeah you wake up the next day in the barracks of the crystal bay pirates like in the cave comp well ving and billy you wake up in the barracks of the crystal bay pirates tuck you wake up next to ruby chun's day and she is asleep uh she was carousing pretty hard last night as well and is this something that tuck is aware of no I don't think he remembers anything oh my god scandal so he's just jumping to conclusions uh and yeah so that's your situation what do you do I I look at you and you're like oh my god I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry Wow.

Can't sneak. I got four. Great. As you're walking towards the door, you hear your ex is over by the wash basin. Oh my God. And she's just like sitting in bed. It's that classic romantic comedy thing where like she's got the sheets pulled up really far, like up to her neck, even though nobody would, it's so uncomfortable to sit like that. And I turn around and I'm like, good morning. I was going to get you breakfast in bed. Tacoma, I don't care. Get your ex. Get out of here. Okay.

Also, don't tell anyone about this. Okay. Not because I'm embarrassed. I just kind of am. And also I have a crew to run and I don't want to have to execute people for gossiping. Fair enough. Well, thank you for. Don't. Okay. Please don't say thank you. Okay. You're welcome. She closes her eyes and she just gets up and starts to get dressed. Okay. I'm going to get out of here. Yeah. And Tuck sees her naked. This is for the first time. She's ripped. Yeah. And so hot.

And I'm like, yeah, her hair is not in. She has her hair usually in this really long dark braid. But right now it's like undone and it's just like super long. Okay. And I'm like, you look good. I'm like, I'm trying to find my loincloth pants on. Yeah. Boot on. Okay. I'm getting out of here. Boot on. Was it good? Vest. That was my first time. Jacket. Okay. I'm going to go stand up. I leave. And you enter this like twisting complex.

That's there's smokeless lanterns every few feet to keep things bright. There's an occasional natural hole in the ceiling. There's crystals embedded in the walls. I don't see any of that. I start running out. And I tried to find big and Billy. And I'm like, we got to go. I'm at the breakfast table. I'm like, why? And I have seven sausages in my hand. We're not going anywhere. Yeah. These guys eat well. Like there's like a whole like roast jackalope just on the table.

There's drinks and meats and vegetables. We got to get out of here. We got to get out of here. I did a bad thing. How bad? What are you talking about? I think I might have had sex with Ruby. Oh, Bing comes up for a high five. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I grab when he goes into high five. I grab his wrist. I start dragging him out of the. And as you're like walking towards the exit for this chamber, Milton, steps in, he's like morning. Move out of the way. Milton.

I grab his face and push it into the ground. Sorry, man. His plate of food just goes up in the air. Sausages flying through the air. I catch it in my shirt. I'm like, sorry, dad. I'll see you later. And what you guys are just leaving. Yeah. All right. I mean, you're walking through a whole complex. This is a lot of stuff you've never seen. I'm running. I need to get out. And you, if you're just running, you do get out. Okay. Yeah. You're out on the beach. What the heck? I don't know.

Do you guys, I don't remember anything. Do you remember what happened? Oh, well, they had lots of drinks and I couldn't have any. You guys said, so I just went and hung out by myself. The dog. There's a dog down there. Can we do a flashback to what Billy was doing with that dog? Yeah. What kind of dog is it? It's a really cute one. It's a, what's my favorite kind of dog? It's a key song. So it's really puffy. So puffy has really nice, like, like pointy ears. Yeah. Very friendly boy.

I had his ears in my hand. I was going, I was making them talk to each other. I was like, how are you? And this is me. And we're going to kiss the dog's ears. Kiss. Yeah. And the dog's just in your face. Like, yeah, like so happy. His name's Rupert. Yeah. Cut back to that. You're on the beach. It's sunset. Yeah. And, uh, it's like big. Do you remember anything?

I mean, I remember talking to the guy and then there was the, the, they brought out those funnels and then the barrels and you were, you were dance fighting with Ruby Tuesday. Cut to what thing was doing that night. Uh, he, he was, uh, building, um, a model of a ship with like a room full of other guys. And there's guys, um, um, and like one of those monocles things into a bottle and then like pulls a little string in the sails like bloop pop up. Clunking of it.

And then you're somewhere in the background going it's so small. And cut back to the beach and it's yeah it's sunset. You're just walking back towards Crystal Bay or running I guess. Yeah and I'm telling them I was like I woke up and I tried to sneak out and then she fucking saw me. Why are you trying to sneak out? I didn't. I think I might have lost my virginity last night. I was freaking out. Do you remember anything? Not a thing. What's the last thing you remember? Cut to.

And I am sitting with an even bigger keys hand and I'm like making his ears kiss. It's like basically the shot of Billy is the same but widened and it's Billy sitting there with the keys hand and then I'm sitting there with the big keys hand and I'm like we love each other. That's why we're ears. But you're wasted. Cut to you burst through the door of the penthouse. Yeah. The Emerald Emerald Hotel. Yeah. And Mears is like and he drops he drops a bottle of wine on the ground.

Hey where Mears where's Perel? I wasn't drinking it. What? It was just I was just I was gonna cook with it. I grabbed Mears his hand. I'm like it's fine. Mears. I was drinking it. Why? Because it's sunset and Crystal Bay baby. And then everyone realizes that he's been drinking wine for like a week. I thought that was like juice. It is technically at one time a juice. So Mears is drunk. Okay. I am comfortable with how I am right now. Do you want to go lay down? I do. Cool.

Eat here and I hand him some sausages. There's a woman. There's a woman. I haven't seen her in… How long have you guys been gone? I don't know, like a day? I haven't seen her in about a day. When Perel never came back? You know what? No, Perel never came back. That's probably fine. He's a wizard. Not supposed to say that. But he's… Wink, wink. Wizard. The wink's covered up, huh? He'll be fine. He'll be fine. I'm going to go lay down. Okay. And you hear zip.

It doesn't have a zipper, but you hear a zipper. And then zip. We got to fucking find Perel. Yeah. How do we do that? Can I close my eyes and try to reach for him? Because you know how we have that connection? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Trying to commune with him somehow. He's been able to get a hold of him in the past. Yeah. Okay, cool. What would that be? I empty my pack until I find Chamberlain's ring. I put it on and then I sit on the ground. And I mentally try to reach Perel. Perel. Okay.

2d6 plus wisdom. This is basically a defy danger wisdom. Holy shit. 11, you guys. Yeah, Dan. Feeling wise. You feel… Billy, you feel a feeling that you haven't felt in many months. It's similar to the feeling you had in the pool before Ving died. Oh, yeah. You feel that sharpening of an energy inside you. Yeah. And it's focused on this little ring. Mm-hmm. But it's still taking a lot out of you to be like, ugh. That's okay. I ate a big breakfast. Yeah.

It's taking all the sausages in your stomach, all the hash browns. I knew I ate this way for a reason. You close your eyes. You think really, really hard. Mm-hmm. You feel out for Perel. That feeling that you got when he was like a magic ghost. And you make a connection. It's so tenuous, but you get like a feeling. And you get quick flashes of imagery. I feel like I'm touching him just barely. Oh, yeah. Like you're just brushing. Yeah. The sleeve of his robes. Yeah.

Which he hasn't been wearing for a while. But the sleeve of his diaper. Ew. Whatever he's wearing now. The diaper sleeve. Yeah. Yeah. And you feel anxiety. Not quite terror, but like, oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. And you get a flash of tense. Many, many tense of different colors and different qualities. And then you get a feeling of music and the smell of paint. Mm-hmm. And just a super intense. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The Coronetta is picking up more and more. Like there's even more people in the square than there was a few days ago. And there's more booths and more performers, jugglers, fire eaters, all that stuff. And you see, Billy, you notice that the colors that you saw on the tent are the same colors as the DeSomme Creek Theater Society's livery. Like they have a bunting along their stage.

That's the same color as the tents that you saw. Okay. Yeah. And there's no show right now, but there are a few Theater Society members milling around. There's the guy that was hammering up the stage. He's like a stage tech. And there's a few understudies reading from a script. But the show is like in between right now. Hey, are you me or him? And there's two twins. They're identical. Either of you, really? Both of you have both. Both of us.

If you want both of us, you're basically getting one of us. And if you want one of us, you're getting both of us. I smack both of them in the face. And they both like you slap one. His head smashes. And then you slap the other one. And they both go, ah, fucking just don't do this. Okay. We have questions. What? We're looking for a man who is both as tall. Like, well, you do it that tall. He's bald and he has glasses. Wearing a diaper. Wearing a diaper and a bathrobe.

He's got a real fucking nerdy vibe about him. It's like a little pretentious air. Yeah. But fun uncle mustache. Have you seen him? Or like a redheaded woman or both of them together. Oh, the redheaded woman. I think we've seen her. And they're both like, oh, to each other. And like, yes. Okay. Yes, we have seen them. Where are they? When? Why? Well, and now they get a little suspicious. They're our friends. We have their stuff in our hotel room. We need to check out.

And yeah, we only have till 11 and it's nine. Is it 30? I don't know. Billy's looking at where a watch would be. Yeah. If wristwatches existed in this world. He's just looking at his arm hairs and he's like, 930. Look, look at my arm. What if you wish them I'll? And that will be on our conscience. Yes, it will be on our conscience. That doesn't seem right. We don't. But they're our friends. Somebody's got to convince him somehow. Defy danger charisma. I show them the ring. Oh, yeah.

That I was wearing. I'm like, he gave me this. Aha. I can help out. Look at he gave all of us these rings. Yeah, totally. We all show up. Seven. Okay, great. So that gives it a partial success instead of a failure. So they're like, okay. He looks at Billy. You're a small boy. He looks at tuck and you seem like a simple fool. And you. You go on. I'm not really sure what your whole deal is, but I like the makeup. They're back at the they're back at the tents. They're at the camp.

They were in a bad way. They seemed stressed out. Oh, they requested somewhere to lay low for a few minutes. Maybe they were just having a hard time in a bar or something, but they're in the tents at the edge of town. Thank you. Okay, let's go. Let's head there. Yeah. And you push your way through the. The main square crowd. It thins out a little bit as you get out of the main square, because that's where most of the cool stuff is happening.

You pass some really nice restaurants, some less nice restaurants, some absolute dumps, and then you get to the edge of town and there's a big burst of color and activity as the the camp of the DeSom Creek Theater Society is laid out. There's the carts that you saw earlier, the really fancy ones, and then there's big, striped, colorful tents laid out all over the place. And there's just a bunch of absolute theater kids. And you're just like, what the fuck? Jesus.

This is the worst thing I've ever seen. Oh, my God. Are they being tortured? And the thing is, is that they all seem really. Sexually active. Gross. You can just smell it in the air. It's like a thick musk. That's the smell from my vision. Paint and musk. Yeah. Paint and BO. Covered with a thin sheen of Axe body spray. Yeah, there's tents all over the place. But Billy, you see the main tent that you saw in your vision. It's large. Yeah. It's narrow.

It's right next to a makeshift stable full of donkeys. Okay. And there's like a freshly painted set right next to it. You can see pictures like a set of trees and like a horse and stuff. And they're all drying in the. Oh, wait. That must have been the paint smell. Let's go over there. Yeah. So you go in and. Ask the donkeys. Oh, yeah. Totally. Have you seen a man wearing a diaper and a woman in a red dress, red hair? Oh, you better believe I've seen a man in a diaper.

I can see one of those in so long. But when I did, I said, Hey, Greg, you seen that man in a diaper. And what did you say, Greg? I said, I better believe that guy's in a diaper. It's pretty crazy. It looks like man's wear pants or clothes to cover legs. Most of the time. I'd love to wear clothes. You just wear a diaper. It seems like you're spitting in the face clothes. If you cut off a donkey, they get really offended. You just got to let him go. So what are you looking? When was that?

And where did they go? Oh, I spat. Sun said, I'd say. Yeah, it's a spot sun coming down. Sun going up. Can't really tell. I say and not donkey. God, don't you? You're dumb. That way. Which way? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I think we could say yes comfortably. They're over here because he wants to seem useful. All right, let's try the. Okay. Yeah. And it's. It's full of boxes and shit, old sets and cans of paint and brushes and all that stuff. And it's dark. Pearl Allison.

And you hear it's a bunch of stuff falls over. It's us. Hello. Oh, my God. Nope. It's your friends. Oh, thank you so much. And it Perel. Like, you see him, like, poke his little spectacled face out from behind a box. What happened? What's going on? Get in here. Get in here. We're in the box. Get in. Come hide. Okay. There's a complication. What? And Perel pokes points to a hole in the tent that goes to, like, an area behind the tent, like, outside of the main camp.

And he says, look in here, but be quiet. Okay. And we. We all go in at the same time to look. And then we're, like, shoving each other out of the way. Three chipmunk style, like, poke our heads through, like, Billy. And then on top of it. Hello. It's me. It's me. Totally. And you see the fancy cart that jaunter was riding on. Oh, yeah. When you guys saw him outside of town. And it's all unfolded into this pretty comfortable little, like, one person house.

And he's sitting there at a folding table on a folding chair with, like, a tea kettle, like a teapot on the middle with two cups of tea. And he's drinking tea and calling to someone in the tent. He says, I mean, I'm really glad that you were able to. To arrive. I don't really have as much information as I wish I could. But I'm really glad that you're here. We need you now more than ever. And stepping out of the cart is the torch of McCall.

And he steps onto the ground and he sits in the chair and takes a sip of the tea. And he's like, well, you've been doing wonderful work. And I'm just so glad that we were able to finally meet our two organizations working together. As they were intended to all these years ago. Just like to thank you for hosting me. And Jaunter reaches, like, into the lapel of his frayed coat. And he pulls out a copper pin and puts it on the table. And he says, I'm just glad you're here.

I'm afraid that we're running out of time. He says, we'll do everything that we can to resolve this as quickly and as efficiently as possible. And he's like, yeah. And I think that's where we're going to end it for this week. Whoa. Holy shit. My name is Sean O'Hara. I've been your Game Master for this week. And joining me as always playing Tacoma Dome, the Barbarian, Abdul Aziz. So long. Playing Ving, the Half-Elf Druid, Paul Oppers. Bye-bye. Playing Fat Billy, the Halfling Thief, Jessica Tai.

Goodbye. Thanks to Wes for all the technical work. Abdul for all the editing. Aaron Reid for our amazing intro and outro music. Thanks to our Patreon supporters for supporting the show. Thanks to Adam, Kobel, and Sage Lucchetti. Thanks to Adam, Kobel, and Sage LaTorah for creating Dungeon World, which you can find online. Please feel free to join us on social media for various interactions. We're at speltlore most places. And we'll see you next time. Bye.

And so ends the tale of adventures three who tried the best they can. Though dumb and scared and lost they be for time's abreast in revelry. And though our journey may be like a conclusion, we will not leave you without a resolution. Return next week to hear some more whilst you commute or do your chores. And for you I'd gladly Spout Lore. See you then. Bye. Bye.

Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers half-elf, he shifts his shape and wields a spear with great might Peely's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends, and listen close For the tale's about to start Nice job.

Welcome everybody, welcome to Spout Lore. I'm your game-master, Tim. I'm your game-master, Sean O'Hara. And it's a beautiful November morning. With me as always, playing Tacoma Dome, the barbarian Abdulaziz. Hello. Playing Ving, the half-elf druid, Paul Oppers. Hello. Playing Fat Biddley, the halfling thief, Jessica Tai. Hello.

When last we left our heroes, they had infiltrated the customs house of Crystal Bay at the behest of Ruby Tunesday, pirate queen of the Sea of Graves, or so she has led you to believe. While looking for the box of cosmetics that the pirates had asked you to recover from, Billy was caught by the scruff of his neck by customs official that we had decided was named Jack Boot, a very classic lantern-jawed, British sort of tri-corner hat guy with a long coat and a stubbly chin.

And he has a love of Harlequin novels. It's a secret that he keeps. Many people do in this reality, it would appear. It feels like they're the only books that exist. There's one person that figured out printing, and he's a real man. He's a real man. They figured out printing, and they only print their own erotica. Yeah. A magazine in novel form. Yeah. Mud affairs and that. Yeah. The person just makes as much erotica and pornography as they possibly can, and no one can stop them.

They make three things. Mud affairs, Golf Digest. Also porn. There's a cooking magazine. There's some porn in there. There's also porn. And then, yeah, the Harlequin novel, the Love and Lust series. And Lust Unbound. And Lust Unbound. There's a sequel of which, hopefully coming soon. We can only pray. And Ving and Tuck had been in the Customs House, which is one of the most beautiful structures in all of Crystal Bay. Gorgeous. I'm sure we can assure. Thank you.

On the former site of a bulldozed piece of shit building. From the Soviet era. From the Soviet era. Classic, brutalist Soviet architecture. Ugly, but culturally significant. H widz. Barely significant. There was literally no pushback on getting rid of the old building. None of you came to my aid in any way. They tore it down because of how many suicides happened inside of it. Like, whoa, God, people keep coming here.

And I don't know if they're killing themselves in here because it's convenient or the building makes them kill themselves. We got to build something better. You know what? Now that I think about it, it might have been haunted. And upon leaving and bribing the customs administrator, Madam Pufferton, they had been told that the bathroom was for employees only. And on their way out, broke into the bathroom, finding a hole that goes right into the ocean, through which they started screaming hello.

And Billy was alerted to the presence of his friends, at least somewhat nearby. And that is where we find ourselves now, is Billy hanging by the scruff of his neck. In front of the face of a furious customs official and Ving and Tuck screaming into a toilet. Billy, what do you do? Let me go, sir. I am. I am. The mayor. The mayor. Standard. He's panicking. Are you going to? Is Billy going to actually try and convince him that he's the mayor? All right. 2D6 has charisma. Old faithful. Oh, my God.

Not bad. I got nine. So he does not believe you're the mayor. He knows who the mayor is. He just is like, what are you doing in here, you little scoundrel? I know you're not the mayor. Are you lost? Where are your parents at? Yeah. Sorry for the lie. I just I didn't know what to say. Yes, I am lost. And I my parents, they went to they went to go look for their ship. I'm taking you to the security. I'm going to the security office. Oh, please. Just let me out.

He starts taking you up like that's the that's the seven to nine is he's not going to like fight you. I start kicking around a bunch. Okay. And screaming. Uh huh. Ving and tuck through the hole in the toilet. You hear what is Billy screaming? Let me go. This is indignant. I am being manhandled. And is Billy trying to escape? Sure. Rolling to scream. I don't know. I was rolling for my kicks. Yeah. My kicking. Is that a thing that I can do? Yeah, totally. I think that makes more sense.

Seven to nine is not enough to get out of Jack boots. Iron grip. That's fine. But Ving and tuck. You do hear Billy screaming for help. Is that Billy? That sounds like Billy. Why is Billy in a toilet? Does it matter? No, it doesn't. And I so I take the axe off my back and I like start smashing through the floor of the of the toilet. And I'm like, this is probably why it's for employees. Oh, my God. Okay. Five is your strike. 13.

So, yeah, you swing back and it's like a wood box, basically, with a hole in it. And just one swing crushes a huge hole. And now you're on a like one foot wide strip of floor and there's just a hole into the ocean. The bits of board fall into the waves and splash, splash, splash. And there's a bowl full of mints. And I take those. I take all of my jam in my pocket. What pocket? My butt. The only pocket that the Lord gave me. And what do you just jump in? Yeah. Hopefully the tides in.

Oh, get roll me one of those D sixes. One to three. It's in four to six. It's out. Four. It's out. Damn it. We landed on a pile of shit like mud and garbage and stuff. Yeah. But it's not too far. The ship pile would be pretty soft. Yeah, that's true. It's a soft little pile of shit. Soft. So Billy Jack boot is like dragging you bodily through the warehouse and you see as you swing like you're spinning around because he's holding you by a strip of fabric.

And as you swing to look towards the ocean out one of the stone archway openings, you just see tuck and fall. And you hear smash. I landed in a bunch of shit. It smells like people have been eating only pizza. It's cold. It's very soft. Still too soft. This shit did not break my landing. Jack goes, what in the dickens was that? Yeah, we should go investigate. Let's go. Let's go, Jack. Billy and Jack all the way. Classic Billy Jack adventure coming up here.

He's still holding Billy, but Billy's like walking in the air. Like when you bring a dog to a bath and the dog starts paddling. Yes. Walk faster. He pulls a handkerchief out of his pocket and shoves it in your mouth. That's enough. I don't give you a little scoundrel. I spit it out immediately. Go fuck you. What a little shit. Billy's a real problem for anybody. That's not the two of you. It's definitely the sugar. Yeah, I had a lot of stuff for ice cream. Yeah. So you hear Billy and a deep.

Scratchy voice from above you. Not too high. Maybe like eight to ten feet above. There's like a ledge of stone, but you do hear Billy's voice. What do you guys do? I'm going to jump up on the ledge covered in shit. Okay. Two to six plus strength for experience. Six. I have like shit boots on. They're heavier than I thought. Yeah. All my marinos covered in poop. Are you going to eat him? No, I think because Tuck would be jumping at the same time. Okay. Yeah. So great.

I see a one and then the other one fell on the ground. So three sick. My strength is two. So that's six. Wow. It's almost like if one of you might have aided the other one that both of you would have been in a better spot instead of both perfectly failing. Okay. I think what happens is you both like you jump. You slam into the wall. Then you hit the ground and Tuck is like scrambling up the wall. Like, like his little booted feet are like trying to get a foothold.

And it's just a fucking three stooges as slapstick routine as like Tuck tries to step and steps on things face and pushes himself up and being slips. And you do eventually get up over the edge. You haul yourselves into the warehouse. And as you're like, okay, we did it. You look up and you're looking right at the point of a sword. And this huge, like barrel chested guy in a long coat and a very like naval officer looking outfit with a tri-corner hat is holding Billy by the scruff of his neck.

And Billy's kicking his arms and legs. And he just goes, what do we have here? I were looking for the bathroom. We cut to the security office. The three of you are like bound. Well, the two of you, Ving and Tuck are bound to just heavy, wooden chairs that are sort of screwed into the ground with ropes around your wrists and your legs. Billy, you're in like a burlap sack that's cinched around your neck. So your arms and your legs are stuck inside this bag and they just have you on top of a chair.

And there's like a small little barred window that looks out onto the ocean. You can see the beautiful rays of the sunset, the gold and purple of the clouds and the glittering ocean. Probably getting kind of tired of this. Okay. At this point, it sucks. And Jack boot is standing there. He goes, what were you doing in my warehouse? What are you doing here? I work here. I'm a customs officer. I love actually just one moment.

And he knocks on the door and the slat opens and he goes, get Madame Pufferton. And I was going to say the same thing. And a few minutes later, Madame Pufferton walks in and she goes, Captain tumble. What happened? Uh, you denied us the use of the bathroom and look what happened. Yeah. If you think about this, this is on you kind of for having an employees only washroom. Yeah. If you had one for public use, we probably wouldn't have destroyed the employees. Only one. I'd like a comment card.

If you have any, please just like poop dripping off his nose. Tuck has crossed his legs and he's like, honestly, the facility, here, wait, you cross your legs. Your legs were tied. Uh, he breaks. Can I roll? Yeah, totally. Judy six plus strike. Uh, it's seven. It hurts so much. Okay. You cross your legs and you feel the ropes snap. Although you do get some pretty bad rug burn and you take a point of damage. Okay.

I crossed my legs and I'm like, I think the facilities at this customer's house, or you could call them that are a bit below our standards. Well, they are for employees and not for anyone that just wanders in and decides to punch a hole in the side of a building. Also, your security doesn't seem to be up to snuff. He like, you can hear his hand creak on the leather wrapped around the pommel of his cutlass. It says, Madam Pufferton, you've dealt with these fools before.

Oh yes, this is Captain Tambor of the Colonel Mustard. Our young captain, you have a great job. I'm going to go get some food. I'm going to go get some food. I'm going to go get some food. I'm going to go get some food. I'm going to go get some food. I'm going to go get some food. I'm going to go get some food. Our young boy here got away with us. Yeah, he's so curious. Yes, I just wanted to see more. And so I went, I ran away. He's a huge fan of shipping and distribution systems. He's autistic.

And he just wanted to see your warehouse. Someone's going to have to roll something to convince somebody who's leading this. Yeah, sure. That's the worst in line. Seven plus my constitution. Charisma. Charisma. Constitution. Believe. Not lie. Eight. Eight. That is a partial success, also known as a half failure. Oh. Listen, our time is money. We don't have time or money for this. Well, that's interesting because I find that my time is also money. If you get my drift. Jesus. Jesus.

Fucking Christ. What's wrong with you people? You're rich. We're in the industry of international shipping. There's a lot of shady shit that goes on here. Fuck. How much do you want to let us go? He goes, well, let's see. Three would be thieves and smugglers. Thieves? Smugglers would be criminals that could be tried by the justice system of Crystal Bay. We'd be turning a blind eye, wouldn't we, madam? She goes, oh, yes, we would. We would. So what do you say? 20 coins a piece, perhaps?

Oh, I'd say more like 30, my good man. Well, I'm not even a full grown person, so I maybe like, let's do five for me. Well, if you think about it from our point of view, you're but half a person. You're easily four. And you, you're, you're a half a person. You're a half a person. You're a half a person. I assume part elf. Oh, you son of a bitch. But mostly monster, if we're being honest. 30 coins a piece. That's the price. I'm going to say 15 total, not including tax or GST. And that's it.

That's my final offer. No more negotiation from the sack of potatoes. Holy shit. Can you describe the room? It's like 30 by 30. No, that's way too big. Wow. What a palace of a prison we're in. But that makes sense because of how beautiful. There's like Chris. There's like, there's like a light gold toilet. Yeah. Like hand washing station. Yeah. There's a lot of like really fine sculpture work. There's actually a three piece string band in the corner. No, this is like a holding cell.

Like it's what's a reasonable size. I'm bad at judging by 10, eight by 10. So it's pretty cramped because tuck takes up eight to those five, seven by five of that. So it's, you're all kind of just crammed it in these chairs. Like I said, there's one door very heavily barred. There's a small barred window that faces the ocean. Okay. And it's like a torch on the wall. It's not even a lantern. Okay. So, and what are the walls made out of? These walls are made out of stone. Okay.

The carved out of the caves. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So it is in the underground area. Okay. So I go up to the, Oh fuck. They're made out of stone. What a stupid thing I just did. What I want to do is I want to like break out of my bonds and grab my ax and just like smash through the back wall of the building. Okay. Cool. Yeah. Yeah. So we'll make that a defy danger strength. Yeah. Okay. So, Oh boy. 10. Oh my God. Okay. So what you just like snap your ropes, just grab the ax and smash through a wall.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I kind of casually walk over to the table with my ax and I was like, Madam Pufferton, you're a slice. And I fucking suck at this. You are a slice. Is also what I, what Tuck said. And then I just, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, then I just like smash through the back wall, like out to the ocean. How far of a drop is it to the ocean? Well, it's underground. Like it's a, it's on the same level.

So it's like 10 feet. Not bad. Yeah. Not too bad. So there's just a massive hole in the wall and everybody starts moving. Like Jack boot starts drawing his sword. What do you guys do? I grab Billy. So I grabbed the bag, Billy. I kick things chair into Jack boot. In an attempt to make a small jump. Back then. Back then. Back then. Back then. Back then. Back then. Back then. Back then. Back then. Break the chair and free Ving. Oh, I see. Okay. That'll be another Defy Dangerous Strike.

That's a pretty cool move. Using Ving as a weapon to get him out of his bonds. Launch me. Nine. Nine. Cool. Anybody want to aid? I would love to aid. So 2d6 plus one for your bond. Nice. But you have two bond. So that makes it a what? That's a seven. Okay. So you're probably going to take Tuck's damage. Cool. Which is It's a d10. Oh. Easy. One. Small claps from inside the burlap sack. Yay, we did it. And Boot is slammed against the far wall with the door.

The chair shatters into a million pieces of things just laying on the ground on top of him. Fucking sick move, bro. So what do you want? Ving, what do you do? I grab my spear. What other weapons are there? Do we need to Billy's knives and grab the knives. Grab them all. Scoop them all up. Yep. All right. Slap him in the face for me. Somebody slap. Yeah, I'd love to slap him. You greedy son of a bitch. Plus strength for hack and slash, I guess. Eight. Which means that he you deal your damage.

Two. Two. Okay. And he roll a d10. Eight. Eight. Holy shit. Damn. Okay. So you he's like on the ground with his sword in his hand and you grab all the stuff. You slap him in the face. I say for Billy slap and he goes and he punches you right in the face with the like basket hilt on his sword and you feel your nose go. Oh, no, you son of a bitch. I just slapped you open hand. Oh, you people suck. And as he's like, it tastes like nickels.

Getting up off the ground and he's yelling guards, guards, guards. Oh shit. So what do you guys do? Oh, we jump out the back. Yeah. Yeah. And it's not it's not that far a fall. So you hit the ground and you're just running down the shore. I thought it went to the ocean. Yeah, but the tide is out. You're right. Swan dive. That's part of my fail. That's part of that five. So you guys all make a graceful dive out of the side of this room and land in low. He's like holds his nose.

Oh, you're just like like pulling yourselves out of the mud and you can hear guards guards and ding, ding, ding, ding people ringing bells and stuff. We run towards the water to get all the mud and shit off of us and swim away. The only way we can move faster and towards the boats. We need to get out there. Yeah, we have to get to pure one imports. That's where they come in. Yeah. So you guys are swimming in the water. Yeah, that's the plan. Yeah, has been removed from the sack.

Oh, yeah, I got out that pretty easy. Actually. Okay, you just chose not to. It was really comfortable. It would be stuck in the mud too. Yeah. Yeah, we we've been like kind of helping him sleep by putting him in like a sack because otherwise he flails around too much. He wakes himself up. His face with his fingernails. Yeah, we'll sit him into like a little sleeping sack. He'll just sleep in there. What a baby. So you're swimming through the water to the piers trying not to be spotted.

By the guards. Oh, I don't think we're trying not to be spotted. We're just going as fast as we can. Okay. Well, then I won't make that a role if you're just swimming openly through the ocean. Yeah, and we're openly screaming insults back at them. Wow, your shit smells like shit. I don't think your wife loves you anymore. Whoa, you can see Jack stop in a single tear rolls down his eye. The sunlight from the from the sunset glitters off the tears it rolls down his cheek.

So you swim out across the bay and there are piers all over the place so you can climb up whatever pier is nearby. I guess we just go to the closest. Yeah, the closest one is the one closest to the custom cells. We go to the next one. One pier up then just one pier further than that. Okay, so you hear the like slam slam slam of people running all over the piers because this bell is ringing because there was just a prison break. Is there any guards on the piers yet on the docks?

They all started running towards the customs house luckily. So you're swimming through the water. You're obscured by vessels of all shape and size from all manner of port around the world. Like are you basically swimming out to the end of a pier and then getting up? So you're as far away as possible from potential guards. That sounds great. We're trying to hide amongst the boat. Yeah, so you get on this pier. There are boats all over the place.

People are looking around confused because they keep hearing all these bells from the customs house. The guards have all ran run towards the shore to find out what's going on and you're here on a pier. What's your what do you do? Do you guys want to make disguises? Oh, yeah, I actually have disguise. Yeah, that's true. All right. So what's your what's your plan for disguising? What are you disguising yourselves as? So I guess what? There's positive shit all over the pier.

Various materials burlap canvas barrels of stuff. Oh my God, I'll be a barrel. Okay, I'll be a small barrel. Yeah, you find a small barrel. You crack open the top. You pour this kind of gritty black looking dust out of it all over the dock. Oh, yeah, and you've got a tiny little barrel. That's all right. Okay. Yeah, we put Billy in that barrel. I grab a cloak and then I stuff the barrel behind me and then I hunch over and I'm like, I'm a dirty, disgusting pig now. Pretty good, right?

Pretty good. Oh, I took a bunch of that grit gray stuff. Yeah, you took some of the black gritty powder that came out of the barrel. Yeah, threw it in a mason jar. Yeah, mason jars. Big one. Bing is kind of like a hoarder. Yeah. You have useful, awesome stuff. That's what a hoarder says. You have so much trash in these mason jars. It's all useful stuff. Like, look at this. This is a newspaper from November 15th, 1975. This guy looks like my dad. Kind of. That's useful to me.

What does Bing disguise himself as? Can I change myself into a wheelbarrow of dead fish? With shape changing? Absolutely not. There's no situation in which you've ever been able to turn into anything like that. Damn it. I would like to look like I'm a guard. What are they wearing? They're wearing, like, you know, the long coats. The long sort of naval officer coats with the clasps and all that. I found some of those. Alright. I put them on. Yeah, you try to approximate it.

So you've just got a bunch of materials. You drape them all over yourself and you give yourself a long coat hat look. Yeah, okay, so for this, this would be more of a Defy Danger charisma instead of dexterity to get to Pier 1 because you're using… You're using your disguises. So who's leading the disguise? Come with me, you ruffians. Wink, wink. You guys are cool. Wink, wink. Billy's my hunchback. 11. Yeah, perfect. So you're all rushing around as people are rushing around on the piers.

They're all connected in some spots, like side by side, so you sort of like Pac-Man your way through all these piers and docks. Yeah, and as we're walking, I'm like, I'm a disgusting, hunchback. Hello, everybody. And every once in a while, somebody sees you're disgusting, and they're like, oh, God. Don't look at me. My voice is changing a lot because I'm not good at voices. You know what? It wouldn't be so bad how he looked if he didn't smell like that. Oh, God.

Somebody's like, yeah, it's not even his face. It's not even the clothes. It's his face. His face is so disfigured. It's strange. And then I turn to Bing and Billy, and I'm like, do I look that bad right now? You look like you smell horrible. My feelings are really hurt. The smell wafts to somebody as you're walking by, and you hear them go… We all smell really bad, but you do smell pretty bad. You're taking the brunt of it, bud. Let's go back to the spa, and we can get pretty again. Yeah.

That's not a bad idea. Yeah. I'm not ugly, right? To Pier 1. And maybe 10, 15 minutes later, you get to the entrance of Pier 1, and I've scaled back the trying to look ugly, and I'm kind of being really friendly to people and be like, hello. Good to see you today. Somebody's like, wow, what a nice mutant. What the fuck is happening? That's the best you can get. Trust me. Is he like an orc or ogre or something? But you get to the entrance of Pier 1, and it seems like the guards have…

There's like patrols ranging across the docks and the shore and stuff, but Pier 1 is gated, because this is sort of the valuable ship zone. This is where they're moving everything for this auction that you guys heard about. So there's a gate, and there's two guards standing on either side of the gate with their arms crossed. What do you do? I guess we gotta be like, hey, I got this wretched old ship ship right, and he's gonna do some repairs.

Kindly step aside, fellow guards, for we will now conduct our work, which we've been tasked with. I need to hammer some boards into the ship's sides to keep the water from going in. Okay, somebody roll something to convince these guys. 2d6 plus Christmas. Nice. Nine. I could use a hand. Billy, do you want to add? I'm in a barrel. You're in a barrel, yeah. I can't do anything. Okay, so you're aiding? Yeah, I'm trying to really sell that I'm a shipbuilder.

And I'm like, my favorite things are hammers and glue, and then when ships go up and down, and not into the water. Not under the water, but on top. Eleven? Yeah. Yeah, great. These guys know nothing about boats. So they narrow their eyes at this motley pair in front of them. And one of them goes, you should get your uniform looked at, my friend. It is looking a little threadbare. I will surely do that. Okay, make it quick. The auction is going to be in a few hours.

Where's that auction going to be again? It's going to be here at Pier 1 in a few hours. I was trying to say. And he unlocks the gate and you're allowed into Pier 1. And boy, are the vessels in Pier 1. A beautiful. There's a lot of really nice pleasure craft. Some low kind of catamarans. If you guys want me to describe some cool boats, I can do that. Can you describe three ships? One for each of us? One inspired by each of our personalities. Yes, please. Okay.

So there is one that is a little much. Hey. Who am I talking about? It looks like it was maybe like a military vessel at one point. Like it's sturdy. It looks strong, but it's since been painted. The whole hall is painted in very garish colors. There's murals all along the side depicting wrestling people like a lot of feats of strength. And it's got many powerful sails. And the name of the vessel is the strong boy. It's a real step dad kind of. Totally. Yeah. The next one in line.

Is it looks like an exploration vessel like it was like a riverboat and it is very earthy. It's a paddleboat like it's got rows of oars instead of sails, but it's got a bunch of like little sheds. It looks like on it and there's dried herbs all over the place and it's called nature's bounty. Hmm. And then there is a small and now for Paul's boat. And the other ship is small one with like a dark rich wood and it's painted with different phases of the moon along the side.

There's like gold like crescent moons and full moons and half moons. It's really low and sleek, but it looks like it's good for sneaking around and spying on people and gathering information, but you get this sort of sense that it was used for something more at some point in its life and it is called witch hazel. Cool. Yeah. And then at the end of that you see the aimless wanderer. It's got a big brass gut of a centaur hanging off the end.

You see its face is making this face that looks like and it is pretty sizable. It's like definitely a deep water trading vessel, but it looks like it's fast as hell. Sick. Yeah. I shed one tear as I peek through the barrel and I say goodbye to witch hazel. It's okay Billy. We can come back and like look at the witch hazel some more. Maybe after we're done. Yeah. Yeah, we promise. Okay. So what do you do? Oh, we get on. We go down below.

We talk to the guards like, hey, we're here to fix the ship. We gotta go. Can you get us to the rudder area? The propulsion area? Do you want above deck or below? Below, please. All right. Come with me. The guard leads you up the ramp and then down the stairs and now you're inside the aimless wanderer. Fuck off. Dismissed. You hear just a huge vent of air come out of this guy's nose. Okay. Well, I'll be nearby if you need me. What's your name? Remy. Lieutenant Remy. Well, Mr.

Lieutenant Remy, I'm gonna fix up this ship real good. It's gonna sell for a million coins. He works for the auctioneer. He's making sure everything's ship shape. Of the people that you've talked to in this subterfuge quest, Lieutenant Remy seems the least willing to put up with this. You can just see he's like, I hate these people so much. Okay. Well, I'll be nearby. So if you need anything, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, back up the stairs.

And you guys are left alone, at least for the moment, in the aimless wanderer. What do you do? Oh, yeah. I get out of the barrel. So what's the plan? Okay. We gotta steal the boat, right? Yeah. Okay. Is the Remy still on the boat? Yeah. There's probably, I'm gonna say, six people on this boat right now. Nobody's down below, though. There's like a person. You hear them. Rummaging around in another part of this deck. Should I, like, create a diversion to get all the guards off the boat?

Yeah, that's a good idea. Okay. Is the thing that Vig picked up a gunpowder? I don't know. What could it be? Is it a gunpowder? I will say out of character, yes, it is. Oh, let's discern reality. Yeah, discern reality. Discern realities. Maybe this germ. Or Spout Lore, maybe? I don't know. This would be a Spout Lore. Yeah, so 2d6 plus here. Intelligence. Nine. Okay.

So something interesting about this material is it's not super common, but you've heard that this has been used in conjunction with newly developed seafaring weapons. Like, this is a material that comes from another country. Like, it's found outside the principalities. It's extremely valuable. And it's shipped here in very small quantities. Probably about the size of a barrel is, like, easily a year's salary for a high-ranking military official. Oh, fuck. Oh, we dumped a lot of treasure.

We dumped so much. I was, like, jingling the jar, like, huh? Who's a hoarder now, motherfuckers? This is my nest egg. But yeah, so that's what you know, is that it's used for some kind of weapon. It's called blackpowder. Or is it… Do we have a cooler fantasy name for this? No, that's a great name. Dragon dust. Nail clippings. You get it from, like, dragons, though. Oh, yeah. You dry out their shit. I was gonna say…

Jessica, like, watching her face as she was pretty interested by the first comment, immediately disappointed. I was gonna say that it's said that in areas where dragons have laired their, like, deposits of it left over. It's scabs. Gross. They stick their scabs? They get scabs inside their mouth from all the fire. And that's what grows on them. We keep crusted off. One cool step forward and two gross steps back. Cherry! This was a big one. Too gross for me. No scabs.

So yeah, that's what you know. That is what Ving knows. Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is explosive shit. Guys, watch this. I have an idea about this powder. This is what I think it is. What are you doing? I'm pouring out a small smiley face of powder on the ground. Inside a wooden vessel. Okay. This shit's gonna explode. We should just use it. You're right.

I cut off one of my flaps and I pour an amount into the middle of it and I tie it up with a string and put, like, a string into it, like a fuse. Oh. And make three or four of those. Okay. For Billy's distraction. Yeah, okay. I rip a few pieces of wood. Off the ship. Sorry. You're apologizing to the ship. Just small pieces. Yeah, little, like, splinters and shit. Yeah. And I'm like, okay. Grab the satchels. I'm like, ahoy, captains, because I don't know how to say bye. Please wish me luck.

Good luck, Billy. You can do it. Okay. And you're gonna set these off on the dock? Yeah. Okay. So I'm gonna sneak. I'm gonna sneak out. Okay. 2d6 plus dexterity. Yep. I did it. I got nine. Nine. Okay. Can we help him sneak? Yeah. I'd say one of you could probably help by distracting somebody. Yeah. I'll head back up to find Remy to just be like, hey, Remy. Yes. He's, like, smoking. I was just wondering, is there… What happened to your accent? He blows out a big puff of smoke.

He's got a little pipe. He's got a little pipe. He's got a little pipe. He's got a little pipe. He's got a little pipe in his hands. And Tuck actually laughed. The laugh was Tuck. You gotta roll this bond, like 2d6 plus bond for Billy to distract. Eight. So, yeah, that makes it a 10 for Billy. You've got the attention of Lieutenant Remy. So is this your voice, or what's the situation here? All right. Here's the situation.

You know that old stereotype of, like, oh, shipbuilders and fixers have to be, like, these ugly crones? I don't think I do. Well, it exists. And so I have to get the job of, like, maintaining the ships for the customs house. I had to pretend to be a disgusting crone. I was pretending for that captain down there, Captain Tambor. I really need this job, so please don't tell him. Why don't you come over here with me for a second?

And he starts leading you towards the gangplank, and he's, like, talking to guards. Okay. He's like, hey, guys, come over here for a second. Okay. We got a weird dude over here. We got to figure something out. And that's what's happening while Billy is doing his bomb stuff. So what's Billy doing with the bombs? Is anyone around? Everybody's kind of being distracted by Tuck fucking up his negotiation thing. How close am I to the other boats? Like a stone's throw. Like a bomb's throw?

Is it a bomb's throw? It could be a bomb's throw. All right. How many bomb bags do I have? Four. Four. I have four bags. All right. What's the easiest one? What's the widest, easiest catching boat? The Witch Hazel. Oh, God. It kind of is, because it's, like, She's right there. Yeah, where you're at from the, like, back of the ship, it's just right down. I think about the future I could have had with the Witch Hazel.

And I grab my stick, and I give it a real good swipe on the wooden floor, and it lights, and he lights the bomb bag, and he gives it a throw onto the Witch Hazel. Okay. 2d6 plus dexterity. Nine. Nine. Okay. Yeah, Billy lights the bomb bag and whips it over the edge, and it sails through the air down onto the deck of the Witch Hazel, and there's a bit of a pause, and you're like, oh, oh, no, it didn't work. I throw another one to try to land it in there. Okay.

So I still have that wood lit, and I'm like, again. And as you throw that one through the air, you hear, boom, on the deck of the Witch Hazel. It just took a second to go off. Oh, shit. And you see a part of the little wall of the top of the deck, like, blow off, and then the other one hits and blows up again. Shit. Oh, my God. It lights something on the deck of the ship, so now there's, like, piles of canvas and rope and stuff that are starting to catch on fire. Oh, my God. And I feel alive.

I light the other one. Oh, my God. Hold the fuck on. Well, what I was going to say is, while you're like, wow, that's amazing, you realize you're still holding the burning stick, and you've lit both of the other fuses. Oh, shit, yeah. So now you've just got two burning fuses in your hands. What do you do? I lob the other one onto the other ship, the strong boy. That's hate to fight injured dexterity. So sick. I got a lippin. Yeah.

That one's quite a bit farther than the witch hazel, but you throw it over, like, sideways along the deck because the strong boy's on the other side from the aimless wanderer, and you hit the ramp that goes up to the top. As somebody's walking up the ramp, it hits the middle of the ramp and explodes and snaps the ramp in two, and a guy falls into the ocean. Sorry. And now people are… What do you do with the last one? I drop it onto the main piece, and I'm like, Oh, yeah, that's easy.

You don't have to roll for that. And that, like, blows up the side of, like, a little shed, and people are just fucking freaking out now because they don't even know what that is. Like, there's just huge noises. There's a fire on this one ship. This other guy fell into the water, and all the guards that are with the tuck right now are, like…

They all stop what they're doing while they're questioning you, and they look over the side, and they just start flipping, they all start running down the ramp, and everybody is trying to figure out what's going on, but the ship starts clearing out. Yeah, Bing starts, like, What are you doing down here, man? What the heck is going on? Get up there. Yeah. The guy who was rummaging. Totally.

And then goes up behind him and then just starts undoing ropes and pulling up the masts and doing all this stuff. So you're trying to do it super fast? Yeah. Have the guards all got off the boat? Yeah, the boat is clearing out. I'm gonna push the ramp. Yeah, so maybe give me a defiant interest strength. Sure. Not bad. Holy shit. I got ten. Ten? Oh, my God. So you put everything that you can into… Witch hazel! And you lift it, like, you lift this huge piece of wood, Billy. Holy shit.

You've never felt stronger. And it tips back just a little bit more and whoop, right over the side. Sick. Sploosh into the water. God, I'm powerful. And, Bing, give me a 2d6 plus dexterity to get the ship ready. Twelve. Damn. So, yeah, you run around. You haul ass. And, like, the sails, like, unfurl from the masts and they start billowing, but they haven't caught. So you'll need a significant wind to get the ship out of harbor.

And also, when the sails drop, you see, like, there is, like, the running form of a centaur in full bloom. Yeah. Like, on the sails. And the way they've done it is kind of like a rotoscope. So as they flap, it looks like it's running. Whoa. Yeah. Majestic. Yeah. There's a lot of, like, rolls. Yeah. Like, flapping. It's beautiful, really. Yeah. The thing you were saying is going to try and… He's going to elemental mastery. A big breeze. A gale.

When you call on the spirits, primal spirits of fire, earth, water, air, roll plus wisdom. On a 10 plus, choose two. On a 79, choose one. Oh, yeah. There it is. Eleven. So. So what do you choose? I'm going to choose the effect I desire that comes to pass. And you retain control. Okay. So the one that you don't pick is you avoid paying nature's price. Uh-huh. The sails billow for another few moments. And then snap full as the wind starts to pick up. It lurch. We lurch on back. It's like, ooh.

And you start pulling out a harbor. Ving, you're at the wheel, I assume. Oh, yeah. Totally. So cool. So, like, Billy and I look back and, like, Ving's like… I've got ropes tied to every body part. Whoa. Whoa. Because I'm, like, pulling off this one. And there's, like, things in my teeth. Holy shit. Yeah. And his, like, hair is, like, beautiful, like, gray hair is, like, flowing in the wind. Wow. And Billy and I are like, that's got to be the best pirate I've ever seen. So it would seem.

And we're, like, drumming him. A little help? Oh, sorry. I thought we were. And then we do it louder. Amazing. Yeah, none of us think to actually take a rope. Yeah, you're just dancing around singing a song. Like pirates. And as you're pulling out of the harbor, you steer it so you miss the burning wreck of the witch hazel. And you can feel the wind helping you here and there, pushing the ship a little bit further. Because steering a big ship by yourself, pretty tough.

And you see a bunch of guards run up Pier 1, jackboot at the head of them. And he's waving his sword. And he's like, get back here. I'll find you. And we call off the deck. We're like, it's literally impossible to stop these boats. And as you're pulling out, you move past and start into the open water of Crystal Bay. Then you feel alive. You feel like you've got a firm deck under you. You feel like you've got a firm deck under your feet. A taut line in your hand.

Hasn't been like this for decades, probably. No. Semi-tied at best. And the wind is… You're really starting to pick it up. It's moving. And you can feel the ebb and flow of the wind in the sails. And the wind's like… You can hear it. Like, yes. Yes. Explore purpose. So the wind fills the sails and pushes you further and faster. And begins taking you out of the water. Out of Crystal Bay. Into open water. You're out of control. This is nature's price.

And I think that's where we're going to end it for this week. My name is Sean O'Hara. I've been your Game Master. With me as always, playing Tacoma Dome, the Barbarian Abdulaziz. Goodbye. Playing Ving, the Half-Elf Druid slash Sailor. Paul Offers. Oh, hi. Bye-bye. Playing Fat Billy, the Halfling Thief slash Grenadier. Jessica Tai. Hello and goodbye. Thanks to Aaron Reed for our amazing intro and outro music. Thanks to Wes for all the technical. Thanks to Abdul for all the editing.

Thanks to Adam Coble and Sage LaTorah for making the game Dungeon World that you can find online. Thanks to our Patreon supporters. You can find our Patreon at patreon.com slash speltlore or speltlore.com slash money, please. And if you want your friends and other people around the world to learn about the show, feel free to drop us a review on iTunes or whatever podcast app you use. Thanks so much for listening, everybody. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Return next week to hear some more Whilst you commute or do your chores And for you I'd gladly spout more

Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers have health, he shifts his shape, and wields a spear with great pride Billy's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends, and listen close For the tale's about to start Hi everybody, and welcome to Spout Lore I'm your game master, Sean O'Hara, and with me as always playing Tacoma Dome the Barbarian, Abdul Aziz Hello Playing Ving the half-elf druid, Paul Oppers Hello Playing Fat Billy the halfling thief, Jessica Tai Hello When last we left, oh What?

No, I just immediately belched and Yeah, I also burped at the same time Yeah, brought to you by Bubbly Yeah, Bubbly If anybody has any pull with Bubbs Or Michael Bublé, who is their spokesperson Oh yeah, Mikey Bubbs Yeah Mikey Bubby, we are accepting sponsors We are accepting sponsors? Uh, I will make Bubbly a central tenant of the world of Spout Lore if you give us money And Bubbly Yeah I did it all for the Bubbly What? Bubbly What? Bubbly What?

I imagine that if we ever did that in like season six, like we'd all just be sitting around at a fire eating And then Perel would just be like, did I ever tell you guys my last name? Bubbly My name's Perel Bubbly Mr. Bubbly to you Anyway, pass some of that delicious flavored soda water Carbonation It's the famous invention of my family It's all through just Perel He becomes the sponsored character And he's like, what do you guys think of my shirt?

I got it from the Gap It's a hole in the ground over there That'd be so funny We get all our clothes from the Gap It's a big hole where we found a bunch of old clothes Just dig around in there, find what you need The factories where they make these clothes have dismal They actually have wonderful adults getting paid a lot That's the opposite Cause it's fantasy It's elves that make the clothes that we find It's an enchanted Gap An enchanted hole in the ground And they are paid nothing Okay When last we left our heroes, they had made a deal with the Laugh on mic That's better But I'm laughing at my own joke, it doesn't count Yeah it does You've got goosebumps It's so funny You laugh at your own jokes all the time Yeah cause I'm fucking hilarious I second that When last we left our heroes, they had made a deal with the Crystal Bay Pirates To smuggle Allison out of Crystal Bay in exchange for Returning their vessel, the Aimless Wanderer And crates full of high quality cosmetics that had been confiscated by Crystal Bay Militia's customs officials And And that is where we left our heroes They were returning to the Emerald Hotel and Spa I believe to make a plan and maybe get some rest Yeah Alright And that is where we find you now In your palatial penthouse suite With adjacent rooms Perel and Mears have come with you and you're all just kinda hanging out Allison is nowhere to be seen Yeah We have asked like room service to bring up a map of the city So that's spread out on the table Billy actually made a small fort of the blankets and he's using his goggles to look at the city And he's using his goggles to look at the city And then he uses his goggles to look at the ship out in the water Oh yes cause that was the last thing everybody saw Was a ship that Tuck recognized as bearing the insignia of the Light Guard coming into harbor What does the insignia look like?

It's a torch with a flame on it and it's in a little circle With a sword behind it That's basically exactly what I was thinking I was thinking a sword, the blade facing down and the pommel as a torch Oh so good I love that more then what I said That's pretty much what you said. That's what you said. We all said stuff. They're all jerking each other off now. We were. All three of us are just jerking each other off because we're so good at fantasy. That was Sean Kilvang. Yeah. Yeah.

Just scream fantasy. Yeah, that is how I usually finish. Jessica is nodding with a smile on her face. That is a grimace. Thank you very much. Yeah, so it was a big billowy, I believe what is called a jib sail on the front of the ship with a big brass insignia. It's like one color, a brass sword with a stylized torch on the pommel. Cool. And Billy's staring out the window. Oh, are you discerning realities, Bilbo? I sure am, sir. All right. I was going to say Bilbo, but I'm Bilbo. Damn.

And I never remember what I use. Is it intelligence? It is wisdom for discerning realities. Fuck me. Pretty good. You get three questions from the discerning realities list. What happened here recently? What is about to happen? What should I be on the lookout for? What here is useful or value to me? Who's really in control here? What here is not what it appears to be? I guess like what is useful or valuable to me. I guess you get a really good look at the people on the ship.

What do they look like? This is part of the question. Yeah. It's not a second question. So they are all… Do we think it's safe to say that they all look like they're from McCall? Yeah. They all have the same kind of dark skin that Tuck does. Yeah. It's a mixture of men and women, big and tall. I mean, small. Big and tall, menswear, store. A lot of guys over six and a half feet and over 250 pounds. Oh my goodness. And they need tailored clothes just for them.

Here I thought Tuck was just an anomaly. Nope. They're all… Is everyone big? Okay. Well, no, actually, I think he did mention that you're just really big. I'm huge. I mean, maybe there's one. Oh, yeah. There's one other person on the crew that's huge. What? What if it's like the kid that bullied me? Yes. What's his name? What was his name? Probably Adam. Yeah. Let's call him Fat Adam. Fat Adam. Oh, man. But he was like really strong. He was huge, but so strong. Yeah.

He bullied the shit out of me. And now he's clearly been cut. Yeah. By a lot of sorts. Yeah. By a lot of sorts. Yeah. He's like gigantic. He's maybe not quite as tall as Tuck, but he's hugely muscular. Oh, my God. Tuck, come here and check this out. I run up and I like take Billy's hands and I put them on my face. Wow. You can actually see… Have we decided? Yeah. Billy… You guys can look through Billy's hands? Yeah. Billy wants him to. Yeah. Okay. I see. We did it in Pinewood once.

Yeah, totally. Okay. So you guys see like there's a lot of people on the ship because ship crews require a ton of people. What's sort of the clothing that we think they're wearing? Are they all wearing a… Uniform? White? I think so. A light guard. Like a sailor? Oh, yeah. Like I imagine everything very like… I mean, it's white. Queen. Yeah. Christine. And lawful. Oh, they're like lawful good. Oh, yeah. No, they see themselves as like heroes. Oh, yeah.

They try and hold themselves to high honor, but they're just very hard line about demons. Uh-huh. They're like no demons. Plus, they come from McCall, which is hot. So like, you know, white. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's flowing. It deflects heat and it's flowing. Yeah. Cool. So it's a lot of white linens. Yeah. But there are also people… Yeah. Sandals that strap up the leg. Yeah. Yeah. The one…

You can tell which ones are warriors and which ones are scribes because the scribes are wearing like tunics because they don't have to run. Mm-hmm. And then the warriors are wearing like… Yeah. Skirts like with… So basically the tunic, but it's like slit down the middle. Oh, yeah. So like it gives them like mobility. Do they wear armor at all? No. No armor? No armor? Because they believe that the Lord of the Flame protects them. Wow. Some of them have arm guards. Yeah. Yeah.

Just like a little arm guard. Yeah. And I'd say that's probably like a brass color. Like a lot of stuff that they have is sort of this burnished brass. Yeah. Oh, no. Fadum. I guess my second question is… I think that's Fadum. Oh, no. What the fuck is Fadum doing here? Yeah. Who's he? He used to make me eat shit. Oh, what? He was… Oh, my God. He's got so big. It's okay. We'll protect you. And he has this really like… So he's clean shaven, but he's got a huge like lantern jaw. Yeah.

He's got hair braided from the center of his forehead all the way down the back. And he's got this weird ponytail. Like as a faux hawk? Kind of. Oh, my God. Like a rat tail. Yeah, basically. Horn rows into a rat tail? But a single row. Whoa. Yeah. So it's just down the center of his head. Oh, my God. Yeah. He's so much bigger than he used to be. Talk. So are you, buddy. And you got friends. You got us. Yeah. The power of friendship. Okay. Yeah. Don't worry. We're here for you. Okay.

And I take the axe off my back. Uh-huh. And I'm like, okay. Yeah. And I just sit with it. One thing looks at Billy and is like, Jesus fucking Christ, that guy's fucking huge. We're fucked if he starts fucking with us. Fuck. I'm sorry for cursing, Billy. Don't use bad language. I won't, but. It's a practice of what I preach. Actually, to be honest, I don't. Talk is on the other side. Are you just like talking to like. I'm talking to Larry Terry and Chad. TLC, yeah.

I'm telling them all the things that Fatim did to me. Oh, man. I don't know why you guys are having this conversation. To be honest, I don't really have a plan for what we're going to do about Fatim, but it's good to know now. Yeah. Actually, so yeah, that is what is useful or valuable is you get a good look at the people on the ship, but you also know there is someone that will recognize Tuck. Mm-hmm. Ooh. Yeah. I'd also like to know what is about to happen. Mm.

So they're going to hit the harbor and they're going to start figuring out what the situation is. Mm-hmm. Maybe Tuck would have an idea or he'd at least have heard stories about how the light guard operate. They always send scouts at first. Oh. So do you think these are the scouts? No, no, no. Like off the ship. Like how big is the ship? It's huge, right? It's like a galleon. It would have traveled across the Sea of Graves. What Tuck thinks is that, yeah, like this is like the force.

And like the scouts are going to come in. Mm-hmm. And like start interviewing people and like showing pictures around, trying to track. Yeah. Like check down Allison and like getting ready for the extermination. And then it's just like a strike force where like all of the warriors come in, like destroy everyone and then like leave all of a sudden. Holy fuck. They're not going to kill everyone. Yeah. Just the people that they're like, we've identified these individuals are demons.

That's why there are scribes with them. There are scribes and there are also judges on the ship. Oh, okay. Who like take the information from the scouts and then are like, okay, from what you've told me, this is, these people are demons. These people aren't. And then they just, there's like a kill list. And it's like, go get, go find them. Holy shit. Yeah. What here is not what it appears to be. This is, this is another one that Tuck notices.

Like he takes another look in the hand, in Billy's hand goggles and looks, and you look closer at the ship and you're like, hold on a second. And you notice like the way that, that the lanterns are laid out, like the way that the, cause they have open braziers, like just burning fire, like on the deck. There's a very strong fire motif, of course, to the, to the light guard. Cause it's so dangerous.

The church of the flame really reveres fire as they see it as like a balance between light and dark. It's bright, but it also creates shadow, but always in perfect balance. So cool. Sort of thing. But you realize like the way this ship looks, it's very ostentatious. And you look and you see the name of the ship written in McCollin, like along the bow. And it's called the purifier. Whoa. And you're like, oh, fuck me. Like, this is like the flagship.

This is the flagship of the most revered hero in the light guard, the torch of McCall. Whoa. What is the story that you've heard of the torch of McCall? Uh, I heard he was dating the, the grand vizier's daughter. Whoa. Yeah. That was like in all the tabloids, like right before I left. That's the story. I, and there was like, there was a drawing circulating of him naked. And his, his dick was huge. It was nuts. It was like the size. It was down to his knee. Oh my God. I am.

I am asking an outlander question and I demand that you give me a better answer. Or you will not get the experience. Okay. I'm just giving it a little bit of flavor. Oh, totally. Yeah. No, he's, he's had a long and storied love life. Yeah. And a huge flash of dong. Yeah. Flash it. What'd I say? You said flash it. That's what I meant. That's his, that's his real first name. His given first name is flashed. Yeah. Flushied. Flushied. Flushied.

What's the story that you've heard of the torch of McCall? Um, the story that I heard was that he also grew up on the streets of McCall and he came from like one of the poor districts. And when he was a kid, there was an outbreak of this like disease that is from the outer dark in one of the like, like poor neighborhoods. And so they quarantined it and the disease has like a one week kind of like, like period of time where it acts.

And then like after that they opened the city back up and they just pull all the dead out and everyone dies. Like it rips through everyone. Everyone turns into demons and then like their metabolism can't handle it and then it burns them out. So when they went back in, he was the only one still alive. Hmm. Wow. So that was, everyone was like, he's chosen. Uh, and he, the story is that he had to kill his own family to survive. Damn. Yeah.

So he's got a reputation as like a no nonsense does what needs to be done sort of warrior. Yeah. Cool. And he's like really hot. He's probably older now. Like I said, well, no, I mean like, but he's, so he's got like, so actually maybe he, you see him come out onto the deck. Yeah. While you're watching through the, the fans and he's this very tall, very like straight backed. Maybe man in his, like he's probably in his fifties or sixties now almost. Oh yeah.

So you see him come out on deck and he's just wearing like the simple like white robe of like the scribes, which you think is unusual. Uh, but, and he's got this, uh, what do you have a goatee maybe just like a, like a well sculpted kind of long, but just not full on the sides. Yeah. But this like black streaked through with gray and then long gray, like curled hair. Like that sits at his shoulders and he's just walking around on the deck. He's shredded. Oh yeah.

Where it's like, you could see his abs through his tunic, which is not make sense. Yeah. So you see him come out onto the deck and sort of watch the crew working. And part of he's like, Oh my God, that's the torture McCall. Yeah. And the, the shot shifts to a far away shot of the hotel and you can hear tuck scream. Oh my God. I picture him jumping up and like Billy's dangling. He stands up. I never even thought about that, but tuck standing in the window using Billy's hands as a binoculars.

He's just squeaked up against the window. His little tummy's squished. Oh my God. Billy's just being smeared and crushed against the window. He's like, wow, this must be a big deal. We're so fucked. Oh my God. We're so fucked. And it's awesome. This guy wants, he killed six basilisks in a night alone. Whoa. Yeah. You didn't see it. No, these are just stories. Wow. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Basilisks are endangered species. Because of the torture of McCall. What's a basilisk like in this world?

It's a huge fucking snake. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. It's a big ass snake. Yeah. Do they do the stone thing where they turn? They turn people to stone? They turn them into, it can be stone, but it can be other hard materials like quartz or opal, gold. Depends on the place of origin of the basilisk. Exactly. Okay. There have been, you know, like ice even. I was thinking ice. Yeah. Ooh, daddy like. You know, because there's, basilisks exist everywhere, but the subspecies are, are dwindling. Yeah.

Numerous, but the amounts of them are dwindling. They're, they're deadly, but the reproductive cycle is so long. If you kill one, it really affects the population. Like pandas. And the, yeah. And the basilisk can, the female can only give birth once. To one offspring. Wow. Uh, I realize, like just dooms them to extinction anyway. Yeah. You, you will never get more basilisks than you have in the world. But the reason for that is because they didn't evolve in this part of the world. Oh yeah.

Like they're from the outer dark. Oh, okay. So you end up with more slipping into the world through the cracks in the broken shores. Okay, cool. Yeah, man, I really like basilisks now. That's cool as hell. Uh, great. Yeah. And so that is what, you know, the light guard has arrived. You kind of know what their next steps are going to be. You know that the torch of McCall is here, which tuck, you would guess means that this is maybe even bigger than you initially thought.

Cause if he came all the way here, there's gotta be a reason. Or maybe he's just, you know, in the twilight of his career. Yeah. Going to crystal Bay. Yeah. Like, okay, cool. Yeah. I'll take a milk run. Yeah. Head out to the resort town. Coronet. It's in town. Beautiful. And so that's where it is. What's your plan now? We need to find Allison quick. We do, but we do have to make a plan to how to get the ship, right? Yeah. Okay. We don't find out where it is. Well, how about this?

Let's talk about the plan right now. Like make it pretty simple. Like we usually do. Right. So Billy goes and stands over the map and he's like, this is a, this is a map. And this is the ocean part. He's pointing at land. Yeah. And he's like, so the ship probably goes over here. Over there. Okay. You're doing a great job, but thank you. And they got trapped and, and we got to get back out. I like that Billy is at the absolute limit of his ability to pull.

She did mention that it's not so much impounded as it was like confiscated by the militia, like the customs. So it's probably just in the docks. Okay. And it's probably got guards on it. Okay. Let's go ask the front desk clerk where the customs is. Yes. Are you coming? Are you staying? I'll stay up here. Do you, do you, is there anything that you imagine you might need me for? Can you find Alison and try and get her back to the hotel? Tell her that the light guard is here. Oh, sure.

Yeah, absolutely. Can do, can do. I'll see you later. And he, he heads out. Is Mears going with him or he's staying with us? Uh, I'm going to stay here. I'll, I'll, I'll be like base camp. I see that Mears had a book and I'm like, I think he's looking at Burgum berries. I just have some ideas that I think I'd like to work out. Mears is not going to work. Billy, Billy says this from the bathroom. I think that was the last one. You guys, let's hope so. Uh, yeah.

So, so you head down to the front desk. Yeah. And we were just like, where's, where's customs? Oh, like the customs office. Yeah. Uh, you will find that on the edge of Peter 49, Peter 49. You can go check out peer 49. There's a little office right there at the end. And that'll be the customs house. All right, cool. Do they sell churros? Uh, I'm sure you can find one on the way. All right. Okay. And you head through the center of town. So there is the stage, the DeSom Creek theater society stage.

And, uh, you see some people standing around for like a late night show. Although I guess they're all late night shows cause it's been sunset for so long, but there seems to be another show going on right now. People are pretty excited about it. We stopped for a second. Can we watch this for a sec? I mean, I think we should probably, we keep going, but like we can watch like two minutes of it. Okay. Two minutes tops just until the commercial break. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Uh, well here's the thing is you start watching the show and you're like, this doesn't even seem like it's the same play. Like this seems like it's a different story altogether. You see a person on another person's shoulders and one of them's like holding an ax, like the person on the top is holding an ax. And there's a little halfling who's like older than Billy, but is like got the cape on and has two knives. And there's a bunch of people dressed as like crystal Bay pirate.

And they're sort of like scrapping it out on deck. It's a big fight scene. And it looks like it's going against all of the, the, the ax person and the halfling and this other person that's like got a bunch of furs in a cape over them. I lean over. I'm like that ax person. It looks like he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. And I'm so scared. I'm like, I have no idea how this is going to turn out.

And the person in the cape goes like, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, And they throw the cape off and they have like two sticks with like cloth attached to them. Oh my God. What a freak. And there's a big painting of like a monster, like a huge, huge, like furry creature with wings and antlers and claws. And he's like, yeah. And you hear the piercing going. I did not see that coming. And all the people in the pirate costumes go, ah, and they all run off stage.

And then the person dressed as the halfling, whips a knife at one of them and it bops them on the head. You see, it's made out of like balsa wood and the person falls down and they go, hooray. And the crowd goes, yeah. Oh my God. We're all clapping. Yeah. And the people bow and the person drops the monster cape and they all bow.

And the person on the bottom of the two stack people with the ax is like, as they bow, you can see like massive ab muscles flexing as they try to keep the person on top of them on. When they bow, they're like, Oh, I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. When they bow, there's somebody standing behind me. Brought to you by bubbly, no calories, no sweeteners, just smile. Uh, and jaunter comes out as the people bow off and they're like, thank you. Thank you.

Thank you for joining us for the premiere of our brand new play. The heroes of tomorrow. We're very excited to bring you this story and we hope that you'll, you'll join us for episode two tomorrow. Thank you very much. Have a great night. What time is your play? It's at 6 PM. Oh, I can't wait to see what happens next. Let's go to the customs house. Yeah. Fucking idiots. And so you head down to the customs house and you realize that, that, yeah.

So as you're passing through various parts of the town, the seems like the party's kind of picking up. There's more and more people. It seems arriving to crystal bay as time goes on. There's more bands striking. There's more people coming in. There's more people coming in. There's more people coming in. There's more bands striking up. There's a lot more booths and stands, people selling goods and services and souvenirs and all that. Is there a pizza cone shop? I'm kind of pecking. Yeah.

There's a place that just makes bread bowls full of like a tomato stew. I grab one of those. All right. Yeah. One coin. Okay. Ving. I got this. Sorry, bubby. I'm looking at the counter at the cart. You want a pizza cone? Yeah. All right. What else do you have? We have a beef stew cone. We have a noodle cone. Chicken churros. Chicken churro cone. Okay. Basically, any food that you want in a cone, I will take and I will put in a cone. Wait, what's this thing?

I pointed at a sign that says ice cream cone. I've never seen this before. Oh, you're going to be excited. That's a prototype that I've been working on. You take a bunch of milk from whatever animal you can find it. You throw a bunch of ice cubes in there. Yeah. You put them in there for a little bit and you just throw them in a bread bowl. It takes some time to get used to, but once you do, never going back. Okay. I have four of those. Four. Billy, maybe just start with one. Yeah. All right.

Yeah. That'll be four corns, I guess. Ving, please. I mean, yeah. We are fucking terrible at setting boundaries with our kids. There's no sugar in these, is there? Oh, there's a lot of sugar. Oh, there's almost an inadvisable amount of sugar, but it's the only thing that makes the ice palatable. We'll have two salad cones too, please. Okay. Just get some roughage. I mean, the roughage is also covered in a lot of sugar. Wait, is there sugar in the pizza cone? I hold up the pizza cone. Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God. Okay, whatever. Lots of sugar. Fuck. Food cart food sucks. I got a good connection with a sugar guy. Oh, yeah. I'm going to have to go get some sugar. I'm going to have to go get some sugar. I'm going to have to go get some sugar. I'm going to have to go get some sugar. I'm going to have to go get some sugar. I got to put it somewhere. I got too much sugar. My wife was like, you got to get some of this out of the house. Take your sugar elsewhere, baby. It's just in your house?

Oh, yeah. Just a bunch of loose sugar. The guy that brought it to me, he just had it in a big cart and he just dumped it through my window. And you know how it is. No. Oh, well, you will. You ever get into sugar business. All right. So how much is that? Oh, what'd you get? You got the pizza cone. Yeah. Got three ice cream cone. You got a… A salad cone. Two salad cones. Oh, you got four ice cream cones. So one more. Three is enough. Okay, fine. Three. Okay. Anything for you, Gil boy?

No, I'll have a salad cone. All right. That's six, I guess. Great. Six coins. Thank you. Hey, thank you. Billy eats all the salad cone… All the cones in five minutes flat. An incredible achievement to be sure. All right. So we head to the customs house. Okay, great. So you see the customs place. You get there. You see a long, long one floor building that's right along the edge of the boardwalk where all the docks… What? That's ugly. So? I like it to be tall and skinny. What?

I'm tired of flat, boring buildings. What flat, boring… Crystal Bay is rocky and small. We have to have it long and skinny like a good old customs house. So beautiful. Way better. Where would they keep the… Where would they keep the… The… The… The… The… The… The… The… The… The… The… The… The… The… The… The… The… The…

Like it's on rocks so they've opened up under the rocks like caves not a bad idea I can't believe I'm being overruled on architecture now because that was lame okay it's 150 feet tall straight up five feet wide it's a bunch of crates stacked on top of each other make it pretty oh my god I don't want to play in an ugly thing it's just a building I know all right it's what it's a two floor house it's four okay billy discerns realities oh my god wow yeah this is how we can overrule this is what sugar bowls all right I discern realities with yeah billy's cranky because the ice cream yes so much wisdom with wisdom so I get eight which means I succeed you get one question I don't need to ask questions so billy one second billy will ask a question after so billy's looking around and he's like I suppose this is the custom house and it's a building that is four stories tall and made of stone and there's beautiful windows and lampposts made of the crystal and stairs that lead up to double doors made of wood and inlaid with crystal cutouts you and above it says custom house and my question is what here is not what it appears to be my authority is a gm no and then this is what you tell us what the caves oh I just get totally took over yeah sorry yep are you but she shook her head no uh this is cool though because it like they like because it's a port town the customs like facilities would be really good because so much is coming in and going out and it's a lot of like high value stuff totally so like maybe there's like a customs master who like his office is on the top floor of this and he like is he look look there's uh what are they called telescope thingies periscopes by glasses there's periscopes telescopes and spy glasses everywhere everywhere yeah that's what the crystal inlets are the windows they're actually magnifying so you can just stand in front of it and look out oh yeah and they're like scribes that line the walls and they watch every direction and they're like oh I can see the wind's pleasure coming in yeah yeah and there's a picture of the old custom house the ugly long building sitting along the shore you dipshit there to remind them of what never to do again there's a plaque underneath about the tragic, terrible architectural history of Crystal Bay before the beautiful, intelligent architect who redesigned the customs building came in.

Just about how everything looked like a fucking piece of shit. This is all written. Yeah, and right underneath that, it continues that now the new customs house makes it much more complicated and much more involved for anyone to get in to find anything specific and to get the same thing out again without being recognized. Who cares? This town is about style, not content. It says at the bottom of this that the old engineer killed himself while shitting himself to death.

Alright, so that's what you find. One person can't do it. Wait, you didn't answer what here is what? What? What here is not what it appears to be. This doesn't look like a fucking customs house at all. This is a palace. It's a 1D facade. One dimensional facade. And the wind blows and it falls down. Revealing a long, boring building. I quit. No, no, no. She threw her headphones off. She threw her ring off. Oh no, she's divorcing me. Okay, yeah, so that's the customs house. What?

What here is not what it appears to be. Wait, hold on, before you answer that. Would it be better to ask what here is useful or valuable to me to try and find a way in and out? Okay, never mind. So what here is not what… Jesus Christ, you're so cranky since you ate that imaginary ice cream. I'm sorry. Out of control. So what here is not what it appears to be is in the flagstones of the street you see inlaid like thick crystal panels. Oh yeah.

And a couple of them you see lights glittering from underneath and you realize that that probably means that there are storage rooms beneath the street. Oh, sick. Subterranean. So that means that this customs house, because you're like, that doesn't seem like it's big enough to handle all the cargo that would be coming in and out of the city. And you're like, oh, it's because it's underneath us. So guys, do you think we could maybe pop out one of these crystals and slide on in? Yeah, maybe.

How much cover do we have from the guards up front of the customs house? None. It's right in front of you. You're staring at the customs house. This is on like, it's the boardwalk. Pretty busy section of the city as well. Because it's like, there's lots of bars. There's a lot of like really rough busy bars because the sailors come in. They hit these bars. It's a lot of people that haven't been on shore for a while. Plus it's the Coroneta. So there's just a lot of activity. It stinks down here.

Yeah, but all of this activity might make this the perfect situation to cause a distraction. What if we pretend to be sailors? Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah. What's the plan here? I realized that we didn't actually talk about what your guys' plan was. We haven't come up with one. Okay. Is the aimless wanderer here? You have no idea where it is. But there's probably a registry. Yeah, a registry of ships in the customs house for things that have come in and out of dock.

So we need to see that registry. We need to find out where the aimless wanderer is. We also need to know how heavily guarded it is. Or we can probably figure that out when we get there. That's usually our plan, right? We just show up and we're like, this is a lot more than we expected. We'll be right back, guys. We tell them we're coming back. Don't nobody go nowhere. Okay, just everyone hands up who has experienced sailing. No hands go up. Oh, except Ving slowly raise.

Wait, you know how to sail? Do they sail in the frozen north or on the shores of the Great Forest? I mean, it's ice sailing, but I think it's kind of the same thing. Okay. What's ice sailing? It's a boat and it has big blades on the bottom and you use the thing on the frozen thing and you whip around. We have races, ice races. That's awesome. Did you ever compete in ice racing? Yes. Did you win? No. But I didn't want to win. You won in spirit though. Yes, I sure did. Nice.

Was Ving like so good at ice racing, but like he would lose in an act of rebellion? Yeah. Oh my god. Ving is the coolest. Elves are known for being really good at that. But he, you know, he fights off all his elfdom. He's a self loathing elf. Would he do a thing? Where he like beats all the elves to the finish line and then he stops before the finish line and just gets out and walks away while everyone else crosses it? Yeah. In the opposite direction? Yeah. Nope. He never did that.

That was a really cool idea though. Yeah, this is a conversation that we're all having. I really like ice racing and I really like that Ving has this like past as an ice racer in the frozen north. That's so cool. Spoiled brat foppish part of his like youth. That's a cool idea for a spelt Lorigins. Yes! Oh my god, can we? Yeah, we should do. Maybe that could be this year's Christmas episode. So we know our plan, right? Yeah. I don't. Get into the customs house.

We're gonna get into the customs house, try and find the registry and find… Sorry? We're pretending to be sailors. Yeah, we're pretending to be sailors. We're gonna get in, pretend to need to use the registry and then like just look up where the homeless wanderers. Okay, so you're walking right through the front door. That's your plan? I'm gonna stay behind. Okay. Yeah. Just in case. Stay guard? Yeah. And also just to take in the sights. Yeah, we need a man on the other side. Yeah. Okay.

So Tuck and Ving walk up to the front door. Ahoy, matey! Hello. Ahoy, matey. I, I… Ahoy, matey. And there's two guards with like spears standing at the front like business and pleasure to meet you. State your business. Oh, um, yes. They look at each other like, oh my god. We too are sailors. And we need to put our ship into the registry. Have you come into port? Yes. Yeah. Alright. Head in. Head down the hall. Second door on the right. Thank you very much. Cool spears. Thank you. Yeah.

I like your pantaloons. Thank you. What's the name of that little hat you got there? It's a tri-corner. Because it's got tri-corners. It looks really good on you. You not so much. Head inside, please. Okay. And you do and it's a very, uh… Bye-bye. Goodbye. Please go in. Okay. Yeah, we're going. You head through the doors and it's a very beautiful, like… Just one quick… Sorry, just… Which way is the bathroom? Sorry. The privy is for employees only. Okay. Sorry. The what? The privy.

The what? The privy. One more time. Okay. It's a hole. On the ground, it goes into the water. Okay. Gross. Okay. And you can't use it. Okay. Employees only. Okay. Go inside. Bye. Bye. And you go inside and it's this, like, really nice, like, burnished wood hallway. Are you guys hiring? I have to pee so bad. Mmm. As you… You go to walk in and you turn around and say one more thing and you're just staring at the tip of a spear. Yep. Enough said. Yeah. Got it? Cool. Hallway. Second on the right.

A nice, beautiful wood hallway. Old fixtures with crystal lamps inside and there's various lovingly rendered paintings of a long, one-storied wooden building. There's a mock-up under a plexiglass, you know, like a little diorama of the old building. But they put it in a toilet as a symbol of what is past and what should never pass again. Small flames coming up. It says, burn in hell, old building. You see a little diorama, like, off to the corner, a little diorama of a family.

There's, like, there's a man and a woman and three children and they're both standing next to the building as it burns and they have their hands on their faces and there's a little thing underneath that says, the original architect of this building, Luger Feffman, was ruined following the destruction of his former building. He was never hired again as an architect and his family died destitute. Oh, man. Jessica's so proud of herself.

And you continue down and are you going to the second door on the right or are you fucking around in here? Well, the second door on the right's where the registry is, right? Let's go to the registry first. Yeah, let's go to the registry. You might have to fuck around. And then we'll fuck around after. Alright. And you go in and there's a… Ahoy! Hi. There's a man. Ahoy. There's a woman with little spectacles, like tiny little spectacles pinched on her nose like Pinch Nez.

And she's writing in this huge book. She's got a big crazy, feather that's like… It's actually… You notice it looks like a very downy thunderbird feather. It's from their under feathers. It's a lighter gray, like a rain cloud instead of a thunderstorm cloud. And it's just like billowing. It shimmers. She's very proud of it, you can tell. Every once in a while, you'll see like a little bit of static crackle down it. Fuck yeah. Yeah. Just static. Yeah. So cool.

And she's writing and she says, Hello! Welcome to the Crystal Bay Customs House. What can I do for you? Hi there. We just came into port. We need to register our vessel, please. Ah, very good. And she flips open to a new page and she says, Name of vessel? Colonel Mustard. She writes down Colonel Mustard. Purpose of visit? We're here for… We're bringing in… Fine mustards. Yes. Fine mustards. Mustard wasps. Mustard wasps. Who those are? We're gonna have to figure that out.

They're a non-indigenous species. If any mustard wasps were to escape your cargo hold… Sorry, they've been blended already. Ah, very good. Very good. She writes down mustard wasps and then in brackets, blended. She says, Duration of stay? A fortnight. Ah, one fortnight. Yeah. Very good. And now I will just need you to apply your signatures here and here. Okay. She spins it around, holds the book to the… The side and kind of pushes it forward. And I sign Gerbo Willies.

I grab the feather and get like a flashback. Yeah. What does he see? What does he see? My hair swells up a little bit. A little crackle in my hair. So, I'll ask you. What do you see? I see an epic battle. Whoa. A big battle. Talons clashing in huge clashes. In huge thunderous… Oh my god. Clashes of clash. Spinning thunderbirds through the sky. Causing a tornado with lightning. Boom, boom, boom. And feathers everywhere. And this one after they like shoot across the sky.

Streaking this big tornado. Then there's a big downy feather falling down onto the beach. And a woman coming and picking it up. Fucking cool. Wow. Wow. It's like the end. The end of the beginning of Forrest Gump. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. He's got those goosebumps. Abdul might be sick actually. Oh, Jessica's got some goosebumps please too. Just one. You got goosebumps? Yeah, I got goosebumps. Cool. I feel the prickles though. Fuck yeah.

Your vision flashes back and you're staring into the eyes of this middle-aged woman. And in his eyes you can see like little crackles. Little dark specks in my retinas. Oh. Yeah, and you've kind of got that after-image after like looking at a bolt of lightning. Yeah. Yeah. So what do you sign? Oh yeah. Uh, Jeffrey Tambor. . Pretty good. Captain. And then he goes back and goes, Captain. Captain Jeffrey Tambor. Yeah. Wonderful. Star of stage and screen, Jeffrey Tambor.

Captain of the Colonel Mustard. . She says, very good. Thank you very much. Now the only matter is of course the docking fee. Oh, okay. We were told that we could waive it if we promised a portion of our earnings. To whom? Uh, the customs master, of course. You are speaking to the customs master. Hey. Hello. What is your name? My name is Madame Pufferton. Oh. . What's your name? . Ah, yes. So. . Yes. The mortgage fees. Right. The duration of stay is a fortnight. Mm-hmm. Which is 14 days.

And the mortgage fee is five coins per day. Okay. That's. . 70 coins. 70 coins. . I. Can we. . Can we stay for like two days? Can we change it? . Can we stay for two days? The Colonel Mustard would be ejected from port at the end of those days. That's fine. Great. We'll find out. On threat of impounding. Great. Wonderful. Where do you guys impound your ships? Uh, we send security personnel to secure the personnel. And then we move the ships eventually when we have time. Yes.

To the customs dock, of course. That's Pier 49? Ah, yes. Okay, cool. Who's it? Just that dock out there, Don? Yes, just behind me. The impound dock right there? Well, yeah. Vink, do you want to pay for two days? And then. . Yeah. Two. We'll just try and offload everything in two days. It's being a nickname of sorts. Oh. Yeah. It's like, sir. It's a. . You use a multiple personality disorder. All right. It's a. . Y'all motherfuckers got to roll.

Because you have been lying so much to fight Intra Charisma. Seven. Eight. Eight. Okay. She goes, ah, I believe I've become to understand. . I believe I've become to understand. . The situation. I am not. . First dealing with smugglers and criminals. I just think there needs to be something in it for old Madam Pufferton. I would be willing, of course, to waive the mortgage fee or any investigation of your so-called mustard wasps. Tuck just. . He like exhales. He's like, ah.

And he pulls his pants down. . Oh, please. . I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, my. . Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my.

Oh my god this is christ wait this is a distraction okay I like for ving yeah this is a distraction because we want to look through the uh the registry book and just get like the location of the aimless which dock it's on and like yeah like where its cargo is and which dock it's on yeah yeah so what you think happens here I want to roll to distract her with this enough so that ving can like surreptitiously like whip through the book and get the information we need okay instead of just like being like we'll be right back and then looking yourself this is what I chose billy's outside with his binoculars like there it is oh yeah actually let's cut back while talk is like okay we cut back to billy billy's on the street what's billy up to billy's on the street what's billy up to billy's on the street what's billy up to billy has uh wedged out the crystal piece from the sidewalk because he's small and no one notices him yeah you are gonna have to roll to like make it work though yeah um what do we think this would be I guess maybe tricks of the trade yeah um so billy pulls out his beautiful blue blanket uh-huh um and just drapes it over himself oh right you have a camouflage thing yeah right okay yeah so he's just camouflaged just like a little lump of rock uh and yeah so two d6 plus dexterity I think for tricks of the trade to cut out a proper section oh whoa holy shit I got of course as usual I got 13 points wow and so arrogant today I know I love it no I love it it's a new energy being brought to fat billy and so what billy does is he uses like the little the pick in his hair and with his little fingers he wedges the the crystal out of the sidewalk and he just squeezes himself in he's like and it pops back down he shits while it's happening yeah a little bit but it's just it's small and it's just in his underwear so it's fine yeah that's where that shit goes and uh the crystal piece just plops back into place so then billy pops out underneath this crystal panel and he lands on a wooden crate yeah um it's a big pile that I'm on and yes look around it's a big warehouse full of crates bottles casks and I climb down is there anyone in the room you hear like boot steps but there's no one nearby you can see like the light from torches and lanterns in various parts of this very wide open room it's got pillars spaced out evenly to keep the roof up yeah and there's people down here I was thinking the goods are kind of like collected together with banding around them with the name of the ship oh yeah can I tell you what I imagined the warehouse was like it was like a huge warehouse and I was like oh yeah it's a huge warehouse to look like yeah of course so um the warehouses are all in a line and it's just along the shoreline so the ship unloads directly into the warehouse and there's like yeah it looks like a squat flat like long building made of a boring brown wood they've carved each room took a lot of work they really could have done it cheaper but they carved each warehouse room out of the rock yeah and have left the warehouse and they've carved the warehouse a wide ledge for cargo and people to walk and it is not a flat building it is a beautifully crafted as if dwarves did it themselves they call it a warehouse I like that just this jessica is using her like superior like visual imagination to flex on us so hard I'm flexing really hard yeah I do like the idea that the ships can just back in to like right against the opening of the warehouse that's a cool idea um so uh yeah billy's looking around he can't read anything um so he's just like I don't know what any of this is so he he's remembering the letters he remembers rub-a-dub-dub in the tub of love and he's trying to find like those letters and other things and he's like peeking in and he sees stuff yeah you're gonna have to roll to find the crate because this is a big warehouse so this will be a discern realities probably all right he's like me me me 26 he fails it's six oh boy um well you mark a point of experience for failing and uh you are standing in front of this box being like cut like trying focusing so hard on reading like m e okay I know what those two are you realize that you're so focused and then right behind you there's torchlight you turn around and there's this like jackbooted dude that's just like what are you doing down here and he grabs you oh no it's jackboot you've just run a file of customs officer jackboot so stupid uh yeah and then cut to uh tuck in ving ving jumps behind the counter and covers her eyes and he's like tuck what are you doing pull your pants up and is reading over his shoulder looking at the registry okay yeah tuck was gonna roll to distract oh yeah so that'll be the role and if he can pull off the distraction then you can pull off finding the register pull off his pants so this is what they're around my ankles right now Defy danger.

He's just whipping it around like a lasso. Sorry, everyone. I'm apologizing to our listeners. This is foul, what I'm doing. Foul. But yet, I do it still. It's because it makes sense to the character, everybody. That you created. Six plus. Charisma. So, seven, eight. Okay, so here's what happens. Fing jumps behind the counter and covers the madam's eyes. Yes. He goes like, I'm so sorry about my friend. I can't believe that he's doing this. And you're peeking at the registry.

She's looking through the crystal hand. Yeah, exactly. Ooh, la la. And you do see the name of a ship called the Aimless Wanderer. And you see it said, Pier 49, Dock 13. And then it was crossed out. And right next to it, now it says, for auction. It said that it was in the pier, but now it's apparently been moved to some sort of auction facility. Okay. Yeah. He takes a hand. Pull your pants up. For cripes sakes. I pull my pants up. She's a woman, a madam. I'm sorry.

I thought that was what you were hinting at, that you wanted from me. The Mechalees have a heck of a barter system. I never. I am merely a corrupt customs official. I'm not a monster. You are most certainly not. Now, I must insist that you either pay me my required bribe, or you get out of here. Yes, of course. Get out of my face. Okay. Well, okay. Okay, here. Here's your bribe. Okay. And our ship is in I'll repair. It is hardly a sound vessel.

Do you know, is there an auction, a ship auction around here? Do you have, as he's counting through the money and handing her the money? Yeah. So how much, how much you giving her? What was it? 10 coins. 10. For two days. Yeah, for two days. And she says, well, I mean, this bag is feeling a little light. Perhaps for. Okay. A docket or two. Two more. I could give you the information. Would you take two more coins? These are gold. That is true. All of the money is gold.

Clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink. Yeah. All money in the principalities we've established is made of gold. Oh, my God. That's it. Don't. That's my bribe. Get it out of your filthy mouth. She says, yes, okay. Well, I shouldn't be telling you this, but as I am corrupt, there's an auction tomorrow at 12 noon. 12 noon for various vessels that have been confiscated by the militia over the last fortnight or so.

We will be making back some of the money that we have lost having to staff this place constantly due to the duration of the sunset. Okay. Is there a place we can go and check out the vessels before the auction? The vessels? Like a show area? A viewing. Yeah, a viewing area? Yes. That could. I suppose you could go look if you'd like, but they are under incredibly stiff guard. How stiff are they right now? Yes. He says, leaning on the counter.

She winks at you and says, I don't think I have to tell you. She says, the auction house can be found at the other end of the bay at Pier 1. Imports. Perfect. Now, please leave. Sure. Can I use the head for a second? Get out. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. And you guys head back outside. Well, as we're going out, we're just trying different doors to see which one is the bathroom. Because we've been blocked enough times that we're like, what are they hiding in there? These people are corrupt as fuck.

Yeah, the bathroom's got to be like some magic place. Oh, here it is. It's just a hole, and it goes right down into the water. And we're like, hello! And we cut to Billy and the customs officer. And we cut to Billy and the customs officer that has him by his cape. And he's like, what are you doing down here, you little rascal? We don't take too kindly to thieves in Crystal Bay. And you hear from basically right behind you, there's an opening that goes to the ships that usually back in.

And you hear Tuck and Ving going, hello! And I think that's where we're going to end it for this week. My name is Sean O'Hara. I've been your Game Master. With me, as always, playing Tacoma Dome, the Barbarian Abdulaziz. Goodbye. Playing Ving, the Half-Elf Druid. Paul Oppers. Bye-bye. Playing Fat Big. And Billy, the Halfling Thief. Jessica Tai. Bye-bye. Thanks to Aaron Reed for our intro and outro music. Thanks to Wes for all the technical work. Thanks to Abdul for editing.

Thanks to our Patreon supporters for supporting us on Patreon. You can find us at patreon.com slash speltlore or speltlore.com slash money, please. And thank you to Adam Coble and Saves Latour for creating Dungeon World for us to play. You can find that online by searching Dungeon World. And thank you so much to all of you for listening. We'll see you next time. And so ends the tale of Adventures Three, who tried the best they can.

Though dumb and scared and lost they be, for time's abreast in revelry. And though our journey may be like a conclusion, we will not leave you without a reason. We'll return next week to hear some more. Whilst you commute or do your chores, and for you I gladly Spout Lore.

Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers have health, he shifts his shape, and wields a spear with great might Billy's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends, and listen close For the tale's about to start Welcome to Spout Lore everybody, my name is Sean O'Hara I'm your game master, and with me as always playing Tacoma Dome, the Barbarian Abdulaziz Hello Playing Ving, the half-elf druid, Paul Oppers Good morning, let's do this!

Playing Fat Billy, the halfling thief, Jessica Tai Hello everyone!

And here we are today, I didn't plan ahead enough in my head to what I was gonna say When last we left our heroes, they had partnered up with the succubus Allison After finding out that she had been somehow trapped within the resort town of Crystal Lake Due to the machinations of McCall's Church of the Flame and the controversial Light Guard The Light Guard, a group of holy warriors that banish demons to a realm that we have deemed the Outer Dark Which we have somewhat discussed, but still aren't 100% sure what it is And to help them in that quest, the group has found themselves…

In conference with the Crystal Bay Pirates, a gang of ne'er-do-wells which make this resort town their home-slash-layer You guys had approached the lair of the Crystal Bay Pirates Billy had deliberately cut the alarm wire And you have been surrounded by the pirates And this little curly-haired person comes out Little curly-haired person? Didn't Ruby do that to you, Tacoma?

I think she was tall, lean, she had dark skin and dark hair Oh, weird And she had a sword with a big ruby on the end of it Yeah Were you thinking of Shirley Temple?

Temple, I was Yeah We were in Shirley's Temple That's in a different town The Temple of Shu-lee And I think maybe we'll jump ahead a little bit Where we find ourselves now is you've been brought down deeper into the cave complex of the Crystal Bay Pirates And you have been brought to this surprisingly well-appointed cavern Tuck, you see a lot of stuff you actually recognize from back in McCall There's like a really nice woven rug There's a nice plush chair There's lamps and candles and all that sort of stuff Creating this really nice sitting room And we're talking to each other as we're going down And we're like, whoa There's a lot of like, nice little like touches in here Yeah I mean the layout is, I mean there's a lot of rooms with not a lot of room, you know?

I feel like they could feng shui this place but like, you know, maybe a couple hanging plants here and there Yeah I feel like they have like a lot of carpets here And it's like one carpet brings a room together But it's like, they're kind of just trying to cover the whole floor it feels like And you feel, Tuck, you feel a sharp point in your back One of the Crystal Bay Pirates kind of pokes you in the back with like a sharp stick that he carries And he's like, hey, stop talking Sorry, we're just admiring the interior design Yeah, it sounds like you're criticizing it and I put a lot of time into this Oh, is this, you, you, is this, you did this?

Uh, yeah, I did this You're a pirate and a designer? Yeah Just because we're criminals doesn't mean we're animals We like creature comforts, I've spent a lot of time trying to make this a home so if you could just quiet down It's surprisingly cozy It's not bad, I think you have a lot of promise You guys, you're just, you're all just saying that now because I got upset How do you get these plants to stay alive down here?

Oh, that's actually pretty interesting, what you got to do is you got to grind up some of the crystal that you find in the water And you, hey, no, no, no talking! No talking! Ugh I just want to explain what I see in my mind when we're in this place, I see my parents' house Oh really?

Middle Eastern people traditionally have fucking garbage sense of style It's just, like what I described was accurate to my parents' house where it was just like oriental rugs everywhere And then just like a mishmash of gaudy looking shit that they saw at Pottery Barn And stuff that they thought was like elegant Okay, well then that's actually something that we can kind of There's like so many vases, those hanging plates that have cranes on them Yes Yeah There's like a vase with a kind of a tableau on it Statues of cats everywhere Oh god, yeah See, we talked about this a little bit earlier, my dad had a similar sense of style because he was a sailor for like almost 40 years Right And his sense of style was just, what did I get?

What did I get when I went places?

So it's just huge vase, a weird box with like a scene in it, a wooden cowboy boot An elephant planter Yeah, like an elephant with the box on its back, you know like this You could get that at the mall That's what I thought, but he'd go to Vietnam and bring back a huge ceramic elephant like, look They have malls in Vietnam So maybe that is actually pretty indicative of the style of the Crystal Bay Pirates There's a lot of things that you recognize from the principalities Tuck, there's stuff that you recognize from McCall Ving, maybe there's some things that you recognize There's a cave bear rug Woah In front of the Cave bears, like are cave bears From the far north Oh So yeah, there's a lot of mishma, and there's stuff that you don't recognize from anywhere What are cave bears?

Yeah, are they like earth cave bears? Yeah, well they're like that But their colors are opposite What does that mean? Like brown on their chest and they're mostly white and creamish. They're like a piddly bear. Have you seen a piddly bear? Yeah, I've seen piddly bears. Yeah, they're like that. But cave. They live in caves. So sick. Yeah. They're very smart. That's why it's like a highly, a highly prized kill because they can have smart hunters usually. Oh, cave bears in this world. Yeah.

Do you know what a cave bear is? No. They're like an extinct kind of bear that was like 12 feet tall on its hind legs or some insane thing like that. Whoa. And early humans competed with them for like caves. Wow. Yeah. So we wiped them out because we needed to sleep in the same caves as them. An entire room is just one cave bear pelt. Yeah. Oh, cool. Yeah. So you get the idea that like for as foolish as they seemed in the beached whale, these are genuine sailors. They're pirates.

They travel the world. And yeah, so you've got Ruby and she's sitting in this big plush chair sort of running her finger along the ruby on the pommel of her sword. Yeah. And she's got her legs kicked up over one side. She's reclining in a very like you are in my presence sort of vibe. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Pirate spleen. Yeah. Classic. And she picks up a jeweled chalice and she drinks deeply from it. She says, what has brought you into the presence of Ruby, captain of the Crystal Bay Pirates?

Please don't interrupt me. Sorry. I like to set a tone off the top and that tone is that I am a well-respected traveler and fearsome pirate queen. We respect you. Hi, Ruby Tuesday. Any relation to the bug? I actually have spent some time in the great forests of the northern continent. I came to find peace and enlightenment within the tune groves of the north. I call from the great forests and bring some of the tranquility of your beloved land with us to help in our meeting here today. Billy?

Yes. Such tranquilities as I just look at Tuck. And I I just I turn around and I just whisper and I'm like, so we're offering her just quietness. Is that what's happening? She takes another deep sip from the goblet and is like, I understand that you have made up your mind. But I have a proposition to my crew member here. One that will be of great material benefit to the Crystal Bay Pirates. Yeah. Yeah, we need you guys to smuggle someone out of Crystal Bay for us.

A paltry task in return for the sum of 300 gold pieces. Uh, 300? Did we say 300? 300. Billy, did we say 300? No, we definitely said, uh, 30. Yeah, that's crazy. That's like as much as a, you know, as much as a chain mail suit of armor. Yeah. It felt like your guy wasn't really listening to us. You guys are lying. So you're going to need to make a roll to convince her. Yep. So somebody's going to have to do it. One of you can aid the person rolling. Who has the, what is it? You started it.

Okay, I'll do it. So I guess it's Tuck. So it's 2d6 plus charisma. This is going to be a defy danger. Okay. Seven, eight, nine. Wow. Someone want to aid? Yeah, I'll aid. So what's Ving doing to aid? Uh, yeah, he's pointing at like, what a piece of shit pirate he is. Like, you don't believe a pirate? Yeah. Well, I will say that that's not going to be a great tack with a pirate. We were all, there was this crazy stuff. You weren't there. It was crazy stuff happening. $300.

Give us a break for helping to smuggle one person. Yeah. What kind of stupid idiots do you take us for? Yeah. You think we'd offer $300 to get one person out of town? That's insane. Look at my, I'm out of clothing. You think we have that kind of money? Okay. Look, Billy is covered in shit. Yeah. We can't afford even bath water, even when it's free. Okay. 2D6 plus bond with Tacoma. Oh, boy. Wow. 10 plus 2. Yeah. Yeah. You nailed it. Great. So 10 and, um. Who has $300? She takes a deep sip.

Some of us do. Oh, you have 300 gold coin? Well, we offer a service. We're smuggling people out of town for a mere 300 gold coin. What do you think of that? It seems to be the rate that you expect. Yeah. She goes, ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ving leans over and goes, fucking sweet switcheroo. Oh, my God. We appreciate wit here. Wit is the only comfort many have upon the harsh waves of the sea of graves. Takes a deep sip and she looks over at the Crystal Bay pirate. Yeah.

What is that lying piece of shit's name? And he looks at her. He's like, you guys didn't even ask for my name. You interrogated me and everything. You didn't even ask for my name. Now you're throwing me under the bus. She's like, I'm very disappointed in you, Milton. Take him away. Wait, what are you going to do to him? Oh, we do not take kindly to liars within the Crystal Bay pirates. Oh, I mean, Milton wasn't mean. He was just stupid. He's just stupid. No, no.

Pirates have a type of code, a system. A system of honor. You must be honest within your crew. And he has broken that most sacred vow. One of our many sacred vows. All more sacred than the last, but each more sacred than the first, than the… Yes. She takes a deep sip. What are you drinking? Only the finest in McCollin. What kind of drinks do they drink in McColl? Like… Fermented oxblood. Yeah, fermented oxblood and fermented centaur milk. Ugh. Mixed together? No, separately.

Sometimes you mix them. It's called a red rush. I copy. I'm good. So she's drinking. Yeah, she's drinking deep and you see that she's got like a little bit of milk like on her upper lip. You got a little… Things trying to… You got a little… Ah, thank you. And she goes… And she licks it off her top lip. Yes, only the finest vintages of centaur wine from the city of McColl itself. It's a little chunky. You can tell. Yeah.

So some Crystal Bay Pirates have grabbed Milton and they're taking him away. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you gonna do? I… Murder that liar. I feel bad. Yeah. I'm gonna respectfully run up and like try to wedge… Pull Milton back. How does Billy respectfully run? Well, he… Kurt sees really fast and then… And he stays… He holds his little skirt, part as he runs. It was just like… He makes pizzicato strings. Yeah. Yeah. Like a little ballerina. And then he grabs Milton's foot.

He's like, no. And you are two feet tall. So you're not like stopping them or anything, but are you trying to convince them not to take Milton away? Yeah. Defy danger charisma. Yeah. Billy grabs Milton's foot and he starts… He bursts into tears. He's like, no, you can't take him. Please. He's my dad. Ten. Ten. It's a ten. Hold on. Oh my God. Eleven. Eleven. That was good. And… Oh my God. And… And everybody stops for a second because Billy's so convincingly like weeping on this guy's foot.

Billy and Tucker are like, oh my God, that's his dad. We finally found him. And everybody's eyes are like, oh my God. His eyes are wide and Ruby's like, Milton, is this true? And Milton's like, yes. Like he's taking gauge of the room. Everybody stopped and he's not going to be executed. He's like, oh. Bing and I like have our eyes open really wide and we're like slightly nodding. Yeah. And Milton's like, oh, oh, yeah, this is, this is my son. Fat Billy. Fat Billy.

I call him that as a term of influence. As a term of endearment because I understand that he has a thyroid condition and he reaches and he's like, hmm. Bing's doing the little fingers turning over and like stretch it out. Yeah. I'm doing the stretch it out motion that I saw at the DeSom Creek. Yeah. We're really getting into theater. Yes. Yeah. Well, I mean, why wouldn't you? You've seen some of the best theater the Principality has to offer. Yeah. DeSom Creek.

A bunch of kids doing a rerun of a show they like. Yeah. Lone Tree Hill. Man, one day I hope to see Wapple County. I was trying to figure out a name for Orange County for the OC and Wapple County is great. The WC. The WC. Oh, that's so fucking funny. Fuck yeah. Okay. We're going to, they're going to, we're going to feature them at some point in this show. Just write that down. Yeah. Somebody write down Wapple County. You signal Milton to stretch it out and he keeps going. Yes.

Um, he is a small halfling, of course, and I am a human. But what are the bonds of biology when the bonds of love are stronger? But also the bonds of biology because my mom was even shorter than me. That's right. I made love to a very small person. And thankfully his penis is tiny. Okay. Yes. It was the only person that I knew. It was the only person in the world that he could have sex with and have it or even feel it at all. Okay. And he picks up Billy. He starts to pick up Billy. Yeah.

And he's like, and you can see him like straining his back as he stands up. Oh my God. Pathetic. I'm a sailor. I'm not a bodybuilder. Okay. And now that you know, Ruby, about the truth of my family, I hope you can see it in your heart to spare my life. Ruby thinks for a moment. She goes, far be it from me to separate a boy from his father. I have had many, many difficulties with my own family. Ones that I would not hope to see bestowed upon the newer generation.

You are free, but you must turn in your sword and your tongue. No, just his sword will do. Yeah. Milton's like, oh, I'm, I'm not, I'm not a pirate anymore. She goes, no, we cannot. You have a family. Milton and I understand that you are only trying to seek the best for your children. So please hand in your sword and you are free to go collect your things. Put down your son. We have work to do. Could be also a thing where she's like, Milton, hand in your sword and pick up your scribe's packet.

You're working a desk job. Yeah. We're taking you off the beat. That's funnier. That's way funnier. Yeah. Milton, Milton, turn in your sword. You'll be working within the cavern complex for now. It is too dangerous out there on the streets, my young man, and you have a family to think about. You'll be working in the cosmetics department. And he bows with Billy in his arms and goes, of course, Ruby. Thank you. Thank you so much.

And he puts Billy on the ground and he kneels down, holds up his sword like he's being reverse knighted. And she takes it and throws it behind her into a big pile of swords. And gives him a little sheaf of parchments and quills. And he bows deeply and he runs off into the cavern complex. Farewell, son. Farewell, father. I will see you again. And he's gone. Thank you, Ruby. Oh, of course, Milton Jr. Now, why are you in the presence of Pirate Queen Ruby Choon's day?

We would like you to help us get somebody out of Crystal Bay that is having a hard time doing so. And we need it to be secret, smugly, and sneaky. And we also need it quick. Now. Because someone's hunting her. Yeah, so she says, smuggling. That is something we are well versed in as pirates. I believe we can help you. Who is it that is hunting this person? We only know them as the like of the Lightguard. And her eyes widen and she drops this like braggadocious personality for just a second.

Sits up straight. Yeah, but then she like brings her cup up really quickly to hide that expression. She's like, oh. As a citizen of McCall, I know them well. The stories of the Lightguard are fascinating and wide-ranging. Their heroics known around the Western world. What has brought them to these shores so far from home? I don't know for a large part. To tell her. Yeah. I feel we're saying this. Yeah. Can you give us a second to confer? Yes, of course. Until we get in a huddle again.

Can you hum to yourself, please? I hum to no one within the confines of my own lair. I will merely get a refill on my centaur wine. Okay, we're gonna shuffle over to the dinette area. Please do. And there's a really gaudy looking table that's got like brass legs and a glass top. Yeah. Like, God, this fucking sucks. Hey, Ruby. Yes, young Miltonson. Um, are we allowed to have some of these crackers and cheese? Oh, of course. Please help yourself. Okay, and also, what are those?

Those are bergam fruits all the way from McCall. Dried, of course. Okay, we can have those? You can have but one. That is all the constitution of the average human being can afford. Bergam fruits are like, there's this layer of like bread on the outside. This bready kind of fruit. And then there's a layer of like hamburger meat. Oh, my God. And then on the inside, there's like a nugget of like ketchup and mustard. That is not a fruit. It is now. I mean, it tastes like burger meat.

There's different layers of plant matter that make it taste exactly like that. The ketchup and the mustard is from, because it takes two different bugs, wasps, to pollinate. A ketchup wasp and a mustard wasp. Mustard wasp. And they have to meet. And then when they, that's when they get That's why it's such a prized fruit, because it finishes the flavor of the bergam fruit. Oh, my gosh. Okay, so Billy helps himself to crackers and cheese and seven of the bergams.

Because he eats one and he's like, oh, it's so good. And then he takes more. But they are beyond the constitution of a full-grown person. So what are they going to do to Billy? I guess we'll find out. They're going to cause Billy to roll a defy danger constitution. Constipation. 36 plus constitution. Not well. Four. Four. So mark a point. A point of experience. Cool. And as of right now, boy, those were great. They sure were. And we continue on. We just hear this like.

Billy, what was that sound? Nothing. I didn't hear anything. It's like rubbing his belly. And it's doing that like Simpsons-esque like where the stomach is like waving. Don't worry about it. It happens a lot. Oh, man. I still really like ketchup wasp and mustard wasp. And if you eat them, that's what they taste like. Yeah. Yeah. But it's hard. It's the sting the shit out of your mouth. Yeah. It's hard to eat them. But there are places in McCall where you can get them like fried. Yeah.

They just get them and they throw them in a pan and they fry them up. You can get a sauce made out of the ketchup wasp and the mustard wasp, but you just have to catch a shitload of wasps and put them in a Vitamix and they're done. Yeah. Pretty good. Vitamix is two big rocks. Yeah. It's two big rocks that are alive that have like reciprocating teeth on the inside. Oh, my God. I was imagining it was just a business owned by a guy named Vita who's just this huge dude that smashes things.

I'll smash. I'll mix. I'll do whatever you need. Okay, great. So what are you guys doing on this? We're standing around the cheese plate eating. Yeah. And we're like, what are we supposed to… How much is okay to tell Ruby? I mean, the light guard really affected her. Yeah. I saw it. You saw that? Yeah. You saw that? Yeah. I saw that. I saw that. I saw that. I saw that. I saw that. I saw that. We shouldn't tell her about Allison, though. No. I feel like she would get suspicious.

There's a lot of stigma about succubi. I understand it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let's just say, like, the light guard is hunting a friend of ours. Oh, she's going to want to know which friend and why. Well, we have to tell her it's Allison, but we won't tell her it's a succubus. Uh-huh. And we also will just say… Why are they hunting her? Because she's… Because she's so pretty. Fucking hot. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I bet, like, he wanted to get with her, but her friends, he didn't get with them.

And they didn't make it fast enough. Like the Spice Girls. Yes. Yes. We knew where you were going. Yes. The Spice Girls, of course, are an organization of powerful spice merchants from the fall. That's kind of it. Yes. So she's going to have to leave. She can't do it. She can't do it. She can't follow through with the marriage. Because he didn't get with her. She can't follow through with her friends. Yeah. Yeah. It did make it fast. Yeah. He came so slow. Too slow.

Is that something asking guys to come faster? I have no idea. It's no… I think that… I always thought it… Obviously, when you're a kid, you're always like, she wants him to bang her friends. But it's just like, you got to get along with the rest of the Spice Girls if you want to be with me. That's how I interpreted it. Yeah. Not me. Okay, cool. Yeah. That's a pretty good story. Wow. This might be the best lie we've ever thought of. Yes. Woo. Girl power. Now you just have to pull it off.

All right. Okay, what are we saying again? And Ruby is still reclined in her chair drinking her centaur wine. It's like, I see that you have formed some kind of plan. Now tell me, whomst is the light guard hunting that you require us to assist? Personally, as a duo, I really want Ving to do this because he's such a Lothario. Yeah, that's true. All right. It's our very fuckable friend. Oh my God. What an opening salvo. How are we saying her name? Allison. Allison be her name.

And she was engaged to a high priester of the light guard. Church. Church of the flame. Probably. Yeah. Him too. Was his father unto him. And, and, and. Oh my God. And there was a, there was a cooing in the hen house. We're both giving a thumbs up. And she said, stop right there. Thank you very much. But I need somebody with a human touch. Hey, you. I got to run. And if you don't slow it down, baby, I'll be having fun with another guy. And he was like, I'll send the whole light guard after you.

And she was like, what's the part about the lady? We're just like, she's a lady. And we're trying to get her to help another lady. Help another lady. We're just trying to get one lady to help out another lady. You know how I'm trying to get her to help another lady. We all do. We, Billy and I are realizing now as this has gone on for 15 minutes, that Ving is garbage at lying. He's sweating bullets. I'm sweating bullets. It's Paul. Water is pouring from his gills. He swept out of his gills?

When is this bad? Are my gills moist? Really moist. When normal people, people get nervous and you can see the sweat stains on their shirt. I get in my collar. Okay. You're going to have to roll something because you are trying to convince her. So defy danger charisma. That's the only move that exists for lying, basically. So nine. Uh-huh. Okay. I can have an aid. So we can aid. And we all came up with the lie. So that's the aid. So Billy, do you want to do it? Sure.

Jessica has better luck than me. I don't. So it's plus your bond. Well, bang. 10, 11. Yeah. Yeah. Nailed it. So they buy it. You guys are really knocking the lies out of the park today. Uh-huh. That's great. So she puts down her chalice and steeples her fingers and says, ah, yes, the corruption of the light guard is also well known around the world.

The fear of the higher ups, many members of the light guard seek to only protect the innocent from the dangers of the outer planes, the various demonic influences on our world. But the corruption of the higher ups has been well known for decades, generations even. This story does not surprise me, though it does trouble me. As a lady, I imagine it would. Okay. Yes. I mean, that is also a problem. Billy and I are like, really? Pull it back on the ladies' time. Dude. Dude.

As a, though I am a pirate, we, as I said, are an honorable sort. I would be willing to lend my sword and my sail to any that I could. But of course, we will help you. However, I am, if nothing else, a businesswoman. So there must be something in it for the Crystal Bay Pirates. She says, if you are not willing or able to compensate us materially, then, we do have a side quest that you could complete. What is it? It's so funny to me.

Because I mean, though that is like, oh man, this is how RPGs are. This is how people operate. Like, if you can't pay me, you got to help me out. Yeah. And it's just funny that it's like, every time you try to do something, someone's like, well, could you do something else as well? Oh my God. We're trying to do something. If you're going to the grocery store, could you also take my dry cleaning? Is that the quest? Because yes, we'll do that.

So as you, I'm sure are well aware, as pirates, our criminal operations are wide ranging and lucrative. Something that the city guard of Crystal Bay cannot allow. One of our vessels was impounded by customs officials after a investigation found that we were smuggling a large quantity of high quality cosmetics up and down the coast. So both our cargo and our ship have been taken from us. Something that I am not thrilled with.

If you can acquire these cosmetics for us and perhaps return our vessel, then we would be willing to smuggle your friend or friends out on this same vessel. Is there like an impound fee or is it, how do you get it? How do people usually get it out? Well, I can tell you how we usually get our vessels back. Go ahead. By the edge of a blade. Oh, yes. A traditional, traditional methods. Yeah, that's what we thought. Yeah. We were going to do that too. Yep.

We just wanted to make sure, you know, we are following like protocol. If you can do this for us, then we can do that for you. What say you, warriors three? We say, I. I. I. Will do it. Very well. Then we have an accord. Now in the tradition, of. The pirate clans of the world, we will now seal our pact in blood. Are you going to take one of our eyes? Would you like me to? No. Good, because I did not want to. I'm squeamish about eye stuff, but. And she. Talks to his eyeball. You.

I didn't know you could do that. Being flips is his eyelids. I refuse to do that. So tuck starts touching his eye and Ving flips. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. Do not. Do not do this in my presence. You mean like this? I look weird. Jessica tie is covering her own eyes. And Billy's tummy goes. Oh, great. So she says, yes. Then we have an accord and we will seal this pact in blood. Okay. She gets up and she like cuts her hand. Whoa. Whoa.

You're squeamish. Jesus. I'm squeamish about eye stuff. Not about. Not about hand stuff. Your hand is covered in scars. Yeah, it is. She's got one huge scar that she keeps cutting open. Oh. Oh, my God. That's bad. That can't be good. You must get infected all the time. The creams and salves that we produce as the Crystal Bay Pirates are well suited to healing such repeat wounds. Okay. Your fingers barely work. On my left hand. Yes, that is true.

Which is why I've become one of the most fearsome sword fighters in the world with my right hand. Okay. My left hand is near useless. Classic overcompensation. You better do this fast. And Billy just like smashes a bottle like in doing so cuts his own hands. I'm ready. Oh, my God. Billy. Billy. I'm going to shit my pants. Billy's racing against the clock now. Okay. Ving and Tuck just look at each other and then I'm going to punch you in the nose. No, don't. I'm going to punch you in the nose.

No, I have a plan. Bam! I'm sorry. Ving just smokes Tuck right in the nose with a crystal fist. So how much damage do I take? You want to take damage? You know what I noticed the last few episodes is that every time Ving screwed up, I took damage. Yeah, because it was funny. Because you're the one with the most like capability of taking physical punishment and it's always funny. I almost died. You're the curly. You sure did. What's your damage today? D6. Okay. One. Okay.

So I don't take any damage. Yeah, because you're your natural armor, but you do start bleeding. Yeah. Yeah. And Ving's like, make me bleed. Okay. I just scratched my head with my other finger. Yeah. She's like, usually we just cut the palm a little bit. Yeah, but your hand is fucked. Okay. Now we seal it in blood. She grabs Billy's little bloody hand and is like, you should get some salves on that young one. I don't know.

I saw a beautician and he said that my skin's pretty oily, so I think I'm fine. Very well. And she starts rubbing her bloody hand on Tuck's bloody nose. And she says, this is definitely the most uncomfortable way I've done that. I sneeze into her hand. Oh. And monster boy. Ving just takes like a little bit of her blood and like, I'll do it. Yeah. Rubs it on his own palm. Give me some blood back. Okay. Okay. Okay. Thank you. Uses his ring finger.

Our bloods have been commingled and we have an accord. Now get out of my sight. My face is just smeared with her blood. Yeah, it is. You've got a big bloody handprint. Fighting Uruk-hai. You look like Wilson from Castaway. Yes. Oh, that's so funny. Fuck. Oh, fuck. That's, I totally forgot about that. All right. And that's it. She says, now. Until you have returned with my ship and my goods. Begone thee. Wait, can you tell us where the impound is? What's the name of the ship? Or the bay. Fuck.

You can't give us any information. The ship. This happens to us all the time. People will give us a job and zero detail. Okay. People just leave the cave and go ship, ship, ship. Okay. Okay. Well, I mean, here's a pretty, the boat can be found. One time a lady just gave us a cat. That was it. She said, follow this cat. Follow this cat. Follow this cat. Follow this cat. Do we look for a skull and crossbones? Is there any telltale signs of your ship? What are your colors?

Or even just, what is the name of the ship? Is it a schooner? Is it a frigate? Is it a skiff? What's the location of the impound lot? That's all we need. If you will give me a second. Okay, sure. Ruby does say, there is not an impound lot so much as you will find my vessel covered in the guard of the Crystal Bay militia. You will find my vessel. You will find the many sailed, a normal amount of sails, which is four. But maybe they're stacked on top of each other sometimes.

It seems like you've never seen the ship before. Oh, I have seen many ships. I assure you. Yeah, wait a second. Two hands, two legs. Are you even a pirate? I have absolutely been on a boat. I get the feeling that Ruby is a pirate. She's a person who has extensive theater training. Yes. Who kind of just fell into this business. Yes. Yep. She accidentally became a pirate. More of a min pirate. Yeah. Exactly. She's like pretty good. She used to be like a stage manager for a theater group. Yeah.

And she also like knows all the main pirate plays. So she knows how to play a pirate. Yeah. Nice. Great. Yeah. So she says, you will find the ship known as the aimless wanderer within the docks of Crystal Bay. You will know it by the. The brass figurehead featuring the stunning form of a centaur in full bloom. So it's just it's like a fat guy. Yeah. With like aging hard on icebreaker. Yeah. It's a centaur with like a statue of a centaur with full balls. His chest is like painted.

So it's all hairy. And it's like that thing where it's like man boobs. Huge gut. Yeah. Keep talking. He's got his arms up. And then he's got the front legs of the centaur part. But he's making the face of like the. Like a model. Yeah. Like a model. Like. And they also even carved out like delicate armpit hairs. Like just the hairiest arms. Yeah. Back is like a carpet. Rings and all this. Totally. Like gold chains. Yeah. Yeah. Gold chains around his human part neck. And then also his waist.

Which is technically his camel neck. Yeah. And yeah. So she's just returning this vessel to me and my goods. And you will have your way out. Okay. Now be gone. Okay. From me. Yeah. Billy already sprinted. Billy has begun. He has been gone. Do you guys have a bathroom? Billy's just waddling up the cave. He was trying to make it to the beach, but he couldn't. So there's one of their. They have a lot of reading nooks. Kind of throw it. The cave. And he just picked one. Oh my God.

And there's just a lot of stuff on this rug. And there's a Billy's pulling pages from the books and wiping himself. And he's just like covering the pile of poop with the pages. And when you guys run up, that's what you see. Oh my God. We got to get out of here before everybody sees this. Oh yeah, for sure. I'm going to just roll up this rug and take it with. And then we're going to go. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. You get back to the beach and you hear a, Hey. Hey. And a little bit further down this like cave wall where like the rocks are. You see a very, a paper thin sheet of sand. Like collapse back onto the beach and Perel and mirrors are standing behind it. And mirrors is like, why did they like what happened? Well, I. I don't know. Like it was probably those Bergam fruits. But I had.

The most aggressive dump I ever had in the last week for sure. More aggressive than the one that you had before when it was also really aggressive? Yeah. It was huge. It was huge. I think back to what I saw in the pile on the carpet and I was like, oh yeah, that was as big as Billy. How the fuck? How'd you pass that? How are you passing aggressive? I don't know. Billy's eyes are haunted. Yeah. And Mears is like, you're going to have to tell me what a bergam fruit is though.

It sounds interesting. They taste so good. Not worth it. We'll see. Okay, I need a bathroom. I like that immediately he was like, they're not worth it. Probably. The whole time he's just digging holes in the sun. Like a cat. He's like, it's a nervous tick that he does when he has diarrhea. He's just nervously crates a hole. I need a place. I need a receptacle right now. Perel's like, okay, so what's the plan? What's going on? They want us to get their ship back. It's got a bunch of makeup on it.

It's got a huge hard-on centaur on the front of it. And when we get the ship back to them, they will get Allison out of here. Okay, alright. So we're ship thieves now. Yeah. Cool. We're pirates. Mears holds up his metal hand and he's like, eh? Pirate time. And it's going… We gotta get you some oil for that. The metal just moves. I don't know if oiling it would do anything. So you start walking down the beach and Perel's like, alright, we'll head back to the hotel. We'll make a plan.

We're gonna steal a boat. Hell yeah. Let's do it. Boat party. I did like hang loose. Boat party summer. And you're walking down the beach and the sunset, the eternal sunset is glittering off the crystals in the bay and the rocks creating this very nice tableau. The coronet arcs through the sky and Perel's like, okay, yeah, we're gonna steal a boat. This is gonna be great. I can do some magic stuff. Blah, blah, blah. And Mears is like, um, hey guys. What? What's that?

And he points out into the water and you see this massive ship with like brass fittings all over the place and torches and bonfires burning on the deck. And on the front of it is this massive sail and right in the center of the sail is the symbol. Tuck, you recognize this. Of the light guard. Whoa! We gotta move. And I think that's probably where we're gonna end it for this week. Thank you very much for listening, everybody. My name is Sean O'Hara. I've been your Game Master.

With me as always, playing Tacoma Dome, the Barbarian Abdulaziz. Oh, he's pointing to some goose bumpies. It's GBs. No. Maybe I just liked it because it was my idea. No, it's awesome. I did it again, bud. Man, I'm so hard on my own ideas. Can't get enough. Playing Ving the Half-Elf Druid Paul Oppers. See you later. Playing Fat Billy the Halfling Thief Jessica Tai. Bye, everyone. Thanks to Aaron Reed for our amazing intro and outro music. Thanks to Wes for all the technical work.

Abdul for all the editing. Thanks to Adam Coble and Sage LaTorre for creating Dungeon World. And you can find us on Patreon at patreon.com slash Spout Lore for just an absolute shit ton of bonus content. And I think we're up to like 14 or 15 hours now. And as of right now, we're just about to start releasing our bonus game, which is a Blades in the Dark campaign set in the High Spear Mall featuring the Cool Treat Kids.

If you find it in your hearts, please feel free to shoot us a review on iTunes, five stars or more. Yeah, everyone has reviewed five stars, except for one person who reviewed three stars. And we're back. Our average is back at five. But whoever that is, if I ever meet you, I'll be back. I'll be back. I'll be back. I'll be back. I'll be back. I'll be back. I'll be back. But whoever that is, if I ever meet you, I'll slit your fucking throat. Well, we appreciate your honesty.

We really appreciate the variety of review. And we would never threaten a critic for any reason. Makes them look legit. Yeah, exactly right. And you can find us also on social media at Spout Lore most places. Thanks so much for listening, everybody. We'll see you next time. And so ends the tale of Adventures 3. Who tried the best they could? And though dumb and scared and lost they be, sometimes oppressed in revelry.

And though our journey may be like a conclusion, we will not leave you without a resolution. Return next week to hear some more whilst you commute or do your chores. And for you I gladly Spout Lore. Pretty great. Well done, everybody. I'll leave that in. Alright.

Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers have health, he shifts his shape, and wields a spear with great might Peely's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends, and listen close For the tale's about to start Hi everybody, my name's Sean O'Hara, I'm your Game Master.

Welcome to Spout Lore, colon, a podcast. I'm your Game Master Sean O'Hara, which I definitely already said, and joining me as always playing Fat Billy the Halfling Thief Jessica Tai Hello! Eating, mouth full of something, and joining me also is playing Tacoma Dome the Barbarian Abdulaziz Who's the Game Master though? It's your friend Sean O'Hara Okay Yeah, and playing Bing the Half-Elf Druid Paul Op-ers Wow, we got a real punchy crew today What's up Sean?

I'm just kicking it man When last we left our heroes, they had an encounter with Hi Sean Hi Abdul, how are you doing?

He's not looking at me He's not even engaging An encounter with the Sorry, there's a delay in the satellite We're doing this via correspondence Abdul's on the ground in Abu Dhabi Reporting on, I don't know, the satellite The production of Sex and the City movie 3 When last we left our heroes Yeah, I am in Abu Dhabi It's great here That's enough When last we left our heroes, they had an encounter with the succubus Allison A figure from Tuck's past And I'm really not sure when Abdul's gonna interrupt me But I know he's going to I'm preparing for it Such a carry Allison, as in her, uh, you're killing me I'm looking at you and I keep seeing you breathe in To interrupt and I know it's gonna happen Allison the succubus Seemingly It has been a star-studded couple of weeks Sean Let me tell you, seeing the four back together, it's been amazing Alright, that's enough More?

It's incredible From Sex and the City Anyways, uh What we, when the, Allison the succubus Seemingly almost accidentally but probably not fully Accidentally set off a bar fight in the beached whale Forcing Tacoma Dome, Ving the Druid, and Fat Billy to come to Tuck's aid as they fought off a small gang that called themselves the Crystal Bay Pirates And it went pretty bad Tuck is pretty hurt Billy killed a person And Ving shape-shifted for the first time in months Into a horrid polar bear, snake, winged, horned monster Chimera Awful And Allison revealed to the party That she has been unable to leave Crystal Bay due to the Sheer amount of potential food sources She's been unable to overcome that urge And the coronet she believes is a trap laid by a Macaulayn religious group called the Light Guard Who were responsible for her banishment years ago And may be tracking her and other subjects Right now And she's just asked us to help her kill the Light Guard Yeah she's asked for your help in defending her by killing the members of the Light Guard That have come or are coming to Crystal Bay They're gonna kill me Tacoma For good You want me to fight off a religious organization I don't even know You're asking me to defend monsters Against the religion of the flame I don't even know It sounds like you're asking us to fight the good guys Think about it from my point of view They killed me They've killed many of my friends and loved ones throughout the years And they will continue to do so until someone stops them Who's they?

The Light Guard Oh Yeah Billy doesn't know any of this Yeah I don't know any of this So I guess I kinda need to bring these guys up to speed On what we're dealing with here What we're dealing with You do it with pictures?

The Light Guard are an order of holy warriors from McCall Who are charged with killing demons And I point at Allison And she bows And they're coming here to kill all of the succubi that they've trapped in Crystal Bay it sounds like Whether by accident or design yes that seems to be the case Is it all just succubi or just anything from the outer dark?

I'm pretty sure I've run into one or two other succubi And that alone is pretty sure And that alone is pretty sure That's shocking And you want us to help you because you're not evil? Well no I'm just You're trying to convince us of that? I'm like any of you would you want to be condemned for eating?

Oh my god no That really worked Yeah she totally found Billy's butt That's okay yes Billy you understand all I need to eat I need to feed or I will starve Yeah I get it He's crying for real Billy starts crying actually I gotta help you I gotta save you See I think Billy and I are in agreement And something tells me that maybe you have a little experience with this to begin with What are you what? And she reaches up and she grabs your amulet What about these?

The what what She pops it open There's a lot of stuff in the amulet now Yeah there's a lot of horses She pops it open a lot of shit falls out It's like there's a picture of Ving's wife there's a picture of a horse and a lady Right right right There's also two obsidian coins in there She's Thane's wife So she So they all clink to the sand So she all yeah she opens it a bunch of stuff falls onto the sand like there's a little drawing of a lady There's a horse and she picks up one of the obsidian coins she says then why do you have this?

I found it in a traveler's shrine She closes her eyes a little bit and just sighs It's like of course So this was an accident Yeah most things are Ving's like dee lee lee lee lee lee lee with his crystal fingers So she holds up the obsidian coins she's like these are symbols used to recognize members of the dark guard You're familiar with the dark guard Tacoma Yeah but the dark guard are just a story about the warriors on the other side in the outer dark We should probably roll for this Okay can I Spout Lore about the dark guard?

Yeah yeah for sure Bye Ah plus intelligence? Yep Bye And two people cannot aid him? No they cannot Can we not get two people aiding? No we absolutely can't What about one succubus? We absolutely can't So what is this move gonna be? Like I've only heard stories about the dark guard The dark guard are a myth from the book of the flame Mmhmm Right?

Okay so maybe you just don't believe her Yeah Yeah so you're like no that's a story Yeah the book of the flame is like a binary like belief system So there's always a reflection to everything that they say exists So the only reason why the dark guard exists is because the light guard exists in the book It's a metaphor It's a metaphor for like the bad parts of people She closes her hand over the coins and she goes well I suppose if you found these accidentally They might as well be a story at this point and she slides them into like a pocket on her dress Her dress has pockets Hey no those are mine I'm sure you don't need these Need doesn't even enter into it Are you gonna help me or not?

What do you guys think? I say yes cause I I understand what it means to be persecuted just cause you're hungry And no one's here to help Allison Like if people just listened they would know that they were hungry too Billy when was the last time you were persecuted for eating? Also when did you learn that word?

I don't know Billy you look hungry I ate an hour ago Not even an hour ago like it's probably been 30 minutes since the fight started Billy doesn't know Yeah exactly So it's at this point that the Crystal Bay pirate that you dragged out of the bar starts to groan He's like what'd you do to me? And they start getting up what do you do?

Not as much as we can do to you if you start being a son of a bitch I don't I'm gonna go I'm outta here let go of me He's starting to run so you're gonna have to like make a roll Leg sweep I trip him 2d6 plus dexterity 9 Can I aid? Oh yeah you can aid if you aid it'll be a 10 if you succeed yeah that'd be great Yeah Maybe I'll use better dice Nope that one I used this one Yeah nice That was not a roll That was a roll I put the dice down And did the dice move?

Yes Barely Okay fine I'll do it again 6, 8 Okay great there we go So it makes it a 10 so the guy gets up I sweep the leg and Tuck catches him in midair Yeah I catch him by his neck Oh just his full on neck Yeah So you trip and he Ving sweeps his leg and you just grab the back of his neck Yeah And he's hanging there by his neck And I look at Allison and I'm like sometimes I'm pretty impressive She rolls her eyes I look at her and I'm holding this guy and I'm gesturing still normally As if I didn't have anything in my hands Like you're holding a cucumber Yeah exactly and I was like look and I I gesture towards her And he's like bleh And I'm like we can't just let you stay here and get slaughtered We'll help you get out of town But I'm a monster Yeah Ving's like we are all monsters in our own way Okay what's your plan with him?

So I look at the guy and I'm like hey we need To talk to the boss We need to talk to the boss we need to find a way out of town He's like I never I'm never gonna work with you And he's kicking his legs around I grab his legs So Billy jumps up and grabs his legs Sure Give me a defy danger strength Seven Okay so you grab you just jump up and grab his legs I grab his legs and make hey shut the fuck up And listen And he's kicking his legs around and he kicks and breaks something in your backpack What the fuck Yeah so what is it It's one of my bottles of tag it Oh so he breaks one of your doses of oil of tag it And you feel the oil like seeping through your backpack I drop it okay or not No it's this is a seven to nine so this is like a soft move but like what do you do I drop it onto the ground but before I do that I wipe it on his leg his foot Okay you gotta give me a roll for that Five fuck five Two to six plus dexterity Yeah ten There it is okay so you are able to like get your backpack off while you're still holding on to him Yeah one solid swing and down the oil goes So you get the backpack off and you smush it on his body And he's starting to fall asleep now Oh well fuck Sorry He's like you never This stuff's pretty good and he's like his eyes are fluttering Uh Yeah I mean we can deal with this guy later it's just I mean we have him Yeah But we okay Put him down and I'll tie him up Okay Do you have a rope Yeah I do Okay sick alright yeah so you tie him up with the rope And Allison is like okay so you're gonna help me Yeah we'll get you out of town and then we'll deal with the light guard Works for me We'll try and figure out what the fuck is going on Cause trapping a bunch of like people in what is essentially a killing cage doesn't sound like something they would do Mmhmm So we'll just help you get out of the cage Okay I look forward to you finding a solution Okay Where to We should probably talk to Perel Alright and we can cut back to the emerald to your penthouse suite and Perel and Mears are just living it up in here They've got room service they've got bathrobes on There's like all the fancy candles are burning there's like there's like scented oil in the lanterns it's so nice in here Stinks in here Holy fuck yeah Fuck you guys It's a lot and they're just laughing like school girls They got pedicures together like Yeah they went down to the spa they're just having a day Um well I'm gonna open a window you guys cause it reeks No no no don't these are Okay Yeah it smells like a bunch like a panusian nightclub in here Ugh Well you know what maybe some people like that Who's this This is Allison Allison From the song Oh Oh What's why's she here isn't she and Perel stands up any kind of like Uh clenches his fists she's like isn't she a succubus Yeah she is Why would you bring her here Cause she needs our help Oh okay great reason to bring a demon into a two bedroom hotel Hey she's being prosecuted Persecuted She's being persecuted for wanting to eat can you not imagine Mears can you imagine so innocent Mears is eyes wide looking at Allison swearing Allison sweating like he's just so sweaty now he's like um Remember what we told you about Perel we need your trust And Mears just gets up off the bed and goes into the other room Why are you so sweaty hey Nothing and he leaves and he closes the door and he's just like you hear him go like Ah ah He might be masturbating in there I'm not I'm stressed out Okay he might be masturbating I'm not Yeah his body's gonna throw a lot of shit we're explaining this to Allison he's like he's a teenager His body's gonna throw a lot of changes Oh I don't wanna have to be here for this She nods at Perel and this is This is Perel he's a misunderstood being like yourself Oh really Yes he's a wizard Oh really Um Oh Interesting Or is he We don't know He's a computer wiz Yeah he is amazing he's amazing at getting back into emails And um He's so good at it Is someone genuinely trying to lie to Allison Yeah No Well either way Perel's like no you heard right I'm a wizard He's Plus his Yeah His coat and his crock He's wearing a kimono basically Yeah totally it's really high up on his thighs so he's like so watch your step creature Or I'll send you back to the outer dark where you belong His the towel he's wearing on his head flops down So watch your step He's trying to blow it and put it back in his mouth And then he takes it off and he's bald underneath Yeah Watch your step creature or I'll send you back to the outer dark where you belong I don't think that'll be necessary And Allison goes and sits on the edge of the bed Careful don't let her cross her legs Yeah I know I was just imagining her sitting on the edge of the bed I was like pretty hot Yeah Thing just flings a sheet over her Yeah I'm Tuck is like you know what this is pretty distracting can we get you to sit on the edge of the bed?

Yeah I'm Tuck is like you know what this is pretty distracting can we get you to sit on the edge of the bed? Can we get you to sit on the edge of the bed?

I could wear a robe I suppose Yeah let's put you in a robe Okay she comes out the robes are pretty short Oh my God She's like this is the only size they had left Oh my God Okay let's get you a second robe And she ties it around her waist Yeah Okay Billie ties a robe around her waist Is this really necessary Yes It is I could always stay somewhere else I thought we were just talking Yeah we are talking but it's really hard to focus Hold on Hold on Hold on I'm going to discern realities for one of those connector bedrooms.

Oh, you don't have to discern realities for that. Okay. So it's like there's just doors, right? Okay, I start opening all the doors. There is a locked door. There's your room, but then there's a door on the other wall that is locked. A knock on the door. No answer. Okay, I unlock it. So that's Tricks of the Trade, 2D6 plus dexterity. Whoa. 12? Damn. Billy fucking works this lock. I take that needle out. I give it a lick. And here we go. Tingling into the lock.

This is literally what Billy's saying. Yeah. Tingling, lingling into the lock. Here we go. It's been a while since I did this clickety clack. And like surprisingly fast. It's like, just he opens the lock. Wow, it's really nice in here. Yeah, it's like an additional penthouse suite. So it's just like a bigger. It's bigger than the room. That you guys are in. It kind of makes our room look like a piece of shit. Yeah, it does. Actually, it looks kind of dusty.

Like maybe it's been like the curtains are closed and there's like a sheet, another sheet over the bed. Like maybe it's been closed for a while. Allison, this is your room now. And you're going to have a lot of time to make a new outfit that covers your body. A big room all for me. Look at this comfortable bed. And she like does that thing where she puts her hands, like slides her hands back and leans back on the bed. Whoa. Easy, big fella.

You were being in Tacoma, like watching it wide-eyed and Billy just slams the door shut. Stop. They both like lean over. I can lock it if it's easier. I think it locks from the other side. Oh, yeah. Allison, you might want to lock it. Give me that needle. No, I put it back in my hair. You'll never find it. Perel is like disappointed. It's like, ugh. What? What? She's so hot. Such base desire. So disappointing from the two of you. Tacoma, frankly, I would expect this of. But you, Ving?

She is walking in between many worlds. I know what that's like. What does that mean? What the fuck is wrong with you? It's an excuse. So why did you agree to help, of all things, a succubus? First, we have a history. Yes, Allison, I've heard the song. Yeah. And second. She says that the light guard. Do you know what the light guard is? I've heard of them. She says that they're responsible for the extended coronet.

And it's actually drawing a lot of creatures of the outer dark to Crystal Bay and keeping them here. The light guard. So that they apparently want to slaughter them. The light guard is responsible for a celestial event. Yeah. How, pray tell, would they achieve that? By guarding the light? I don't fucking know. What do you mean? Yeah. Don't you know everything? Like, as if we fucking know. God. Well, I know that a wizard could possibly stop a celestial body's orbit. Maybe not me, but a wizard.

A real wizard. Hmm. Okay. Maybe any other wizards in the room care to raise their hands? I raise my hand. Oh, really? Put your hand down. You're an apprentice at best. You wish. Anyways. Anyways. I would be very, very surprised if the light guard were responsible for the ceasing of the coronet's orbit. And the ceasing of the sunset. How long did she… Do we have any idea how long it's been like this? It's like… It said weeks. Yeah. 16 days? Weeks. 17 days? Well, that's unusual. Mm-hmm.

So maybe she's not lying. Like, maybe she's telling the truth and there is a problem here. Maybe. There's definitely something going on. Oh, well, you don't say. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Why does Venus cease to rise or fall? Why are you so grumpy at us? I'm just agitated. I'm sorry. We were having a nice night. You bring a succubus into our hotel room. She's in her own room. She's not making any sounds.

But we do hear, like, moaning. I don't even want to know what that is. Oh, my God. Wait. What's that? A vibration sound? Oh, it's a vibrator. It's like, you know what? Maybe I should go just check. No. No. No.

That she's okay no no tuck don't I'll check don't worry about it I get in the way and I'm like leave her be she's had a long day and you guys are being really weird and put some pants on or something because I've been looking at that thing all day I took it back up into my waistband oh my god yeah tacoma don't make me turn that door to stone or some such say to bring two is that just me bing same goes for you yes you're gonna turn the door into a frog I got you so she needs help she needs to get out of crystal bay and she can't just leave she said that like something about the coronet keeps drawing her back well that is fascinating hey you guys the pirates waking up what's going on where am I now hey what slap him oh this is a warning if you apologize to the pirates you will be punished for what you did to the pirates open your mouth and you scream I'll do it again and this time it will hurt a lot more I'm not gonna listen to some stupid little kid hey slap stop slapping me shut up just shut your lips are you trying to threaten him yeah so you gotta roll something for that charisma I guess 2d6 plus charisma to buy danger whoa uh two three so he starts yelling what he's like somebody get me out of here kid kidnap me I've been poisoned over and over again somebody do something and he starts running to the door what do you guys do what do you mean running he's tied up yeah oh right he gets up and he forgets and he falls right on the ground but he's like they've tied me up a sock yeah uh grab a towel off the floor I think mirrors used it earlier oh no it's crunchy I put it in his mouth oh my god is that too gross no that's pretty funny pretty funny and he's been quieted for now but at the door you hear yes hello it's rebecca concierge we're good we heard screaming yeah you would have we heard somebody screaming for help um yeah hold hold on and then uh I I think we should do a thing where we bring allison back into the room and we get allison to open the door oh yeah okay yeah all right so you open the door to allison's room yeah yeah and we're like you need to fucking deal with this why don't you come in here I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry that was accident where was she pointing I'm just it's been you pointed into her vagina oh my god sorry it's just been I'm I'm just riding high I'm so sorry okay what's up what's up uh the concierge is at the door he heard a bunch of screaming we need you to pretend it was sex screaming okay can do let's see oh let me just one second and she takes a few seconds to go back up and go Okay, can do.

Let's see. Oh, let me just one second. And she takes the robe off. Okay. She's wearing the dress underneath. Okay. She's wearing the dress underneath. We see her go to take the robe off and we… Are like… And she's wearing the red dress underneath. Okay. Just give me one moment. Okay, everybody, get out of view. Come on. Okay. And Bing and I get into the closet together. And she opens the door and you can't… Like, Billy, are you out there? Like, are you watching? I'm hiding behind the door.

Okay, yeah. So nobody… Immediately behind it, like with a knife. Yeah. I'm gonna fucking kill this guy. She's… Billy's on his break too. I have the dude wrapped up still, like, hand on his mouth. Well, Billy's like as big as his head. Yeah, exactly. So I'm wrapped around his head, knife in his face, and I'm like giving him the eye, threatening eye. So Allison opens the door and you hear Rebecca go, Oh, hello. Hi there. I'm so sorry for the noise. He's like, it's… It's not quite all right.

It's just a little startling. I assure you, no one in here is having any worse of a time than they agreed to have when they entered. He's like, very, very, very, very well. And Bing and I are whispering to each other in our closet. Yeah, you can barely hear what's going on. It's like muffled. Yeah, we're having a conversation where it's just like, she's so hot, I think I'm gonna have a fucking aneurysm. I just, I don't know. Why? But I can't stop thinking about her.

It feels like I've been bit by a porn scorpion. It's like her vagina's a black hole and I, my penis is light and I've already crossed the event horizon. Wait, so you've already had sex with her? No, but I'm heading there quick. And there's nothing I can do to turn back. And it's really long and stretched out. I know, it feels like it's inevitable. I don't understand. We cut back.

She's like, so I hope that you can understand that we might be here for a little bit longer and I hope we don't have any. And there's a pause and you hear Rebecca go, any undue intrusions? He's like, no, of course not. Of course not, my dad. Of course not. The doors are rattling. And then we'll cut to whatever you guys are doing. It feels like I'm going crazy. I'm barely, I'm barely holding it together. This is your fault. I know.

I feel like maybe I just agreed to help her because I wanted to fuck her again. No, no, no. Okay, there's a bigger story here. There's a bigger story here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you hear, he's gone. Okay. You can come out now. We're going to need like five minutes. A little memento, por favor. And Allison takes the do not disturb sign off and puts it back on the handle outside. Well, that should be taken care of. All right. Hey, butt pirate. We're going to go sit over here.

I just like lean him against a plant. Yeah, he's not comfortable. Good. I'm like, you're going to scream? You're going to say stuff? Well, who else wants to talk to this guy? He doesn't like me very much. You guys? Yeah, we come out of the closet and we're both wearing like just really thick pants. Jesus. We have alchemy books over our crotches. Wonderful. Oh my God, you guys.

And we also made a deal with one another that if it looked like one of us were getting too into Allison, we would stab each other. Whoa. All right. Gentle. Yeah, gently. Gentle stab. Yeah. Cool. Yeah. All right. Cool. So should I go back to my room now? Actually, you might be able to help us interrogate this guy. Oh. Oh, I've never interrogated anyone before. You should suck your best powers for getting more than sex out. Yeah. Can you suck information out of him instead of the jizz?

That you usually. Like you would know. Hey, I'm getting there eventually. Okay. Whatever you say, big guy. Big high fives him. Yeah. And. Bing stabs me. And I'm like, ah, thanks. Just a gentle. Just in out. Just a crystal. Thank you. Thank you. Boop. Could you move him onto the bed, please? Done. She takes the towel out of his mouth and he's like, ah. And she puts a hand right on his cheek and his eyes just like glass over. He's like, oh, hey, pretty lady. What are you doing?

What questions are you hoping to get out of this dude? What we're trying to do is we're trying to get a meeting with the head of the butt pirate clan. The Crystal Bay Pirates. Yeah. Yeah. The Crystal Bay Pirates. Yeah. And try and make a deal to like get Allison out of town. Mm hmm. I want to know if you've heard anything about the light guard. It's like, what are you talking about? I don't know anything about that. I'm a strong arm. I beat people up. I collect protection money.

What else do you do? Occasionally I get tea for people. Who do you give your money to? Well, we give our money to the boss. Who's the boss? What's a good name for a mob boss? The first name that I was like, what's a crystal name? The first name that came to my head was Ruby Tuesday. Ruby Tuesday. Yeah. That's perfect. Are we allowed to? Yeah. I mean, sure. I guess. I think Ruby Tuesday is pretty funny. Yeah. And we're only going to refer to her as Ruby.

We've already got a character named Sweet Caroline. That's a music reference. Yeah. Ruby Tunes Day. Ruby Tunes Day. Like a tune bug. Yeah. We give our money to the boss. Ruby Tunes Day. What else do you want to know? Where Ruby is. Oh. Where Ruby is. I really shouldn't be telling you any of that. Where Ruby is. Okay. Ruby is in the caves to the west of town. You go down the beach like half a mile. There's a cave opening near a big crystal pillar that's coming out of the water. And it's in there.

That is where we do our stuff. Do you guys accept visitors? No. We're a gang. Why would we accept visitors into our lair? Because it's for your benefit. Yeah. My benefit? What does that mean? Here's what we're thinking. We're going to let you go. Oh. Hey. You're going to go back to your lair and tell Ruby that we're coming. And we have a proposition for her. Okay. Yeah. Sure. What's in it for her? 333 gold. 329 gold. What did you spend the last? Bing's eating a hoagie. Okay.

Let's just say 300 gold. Okay. Because we might need some walking around money. We say that out loud to each other. 300 gold. 300 gold. Yeah. 300 gold. Maybe. Let's go back and say like 200 gold. No. You already said 300 gold. Okay. That's a proposition that I think she could agree with. Well, how about this? 200 gold. Yeah. How about 200 gold and we'll give you two gold? No. Hold. Now, you said 300 gold and now you're trying to talk me down. Yeah. But you get a cut of it. Absolutely not. Okay.

200 gold, but you get 50. You're going backwards. I know, but you get 50. Oh, yeah. I'm going to take a cut of a bribe to my boss. You take more than a cut, you son of a bitch. Well, he's holding like his claws in front of his face. How about 200 gold and you get the rest of the hoagie that is not totally. Bing shoots Tucker and look like, this thing's fucking delicious. It's shrimp po' boy. I mean, he's down for 300 gold. But now you're trying to convince him for something else. I know.

I think we just fucked up. 300 gold and I will take your message to Ruby. Okay, you guys. Is it worth it? 300 gold to keep like a bunch of innocent people from dying. Fine. Yeah. Okay. 300 gold. Tell her that there's 300 gold in it for we meet. That's a hefty price. That's a lot. Yeah. I know. That's like that. That is, I will say, as Sean O'Hara, like an un. I don't know. I don't know. That's a real amount of money. I don't usually do the negotiations. Billy usually does. Yeah. True.

I fucked up. Okay. How much money do we have? All of it. We'll give you all. Yeah. That's a ton of fucking cash. I have an idea, but I don't say it. I just look with my eyes at you guys, at the rest of the guys. Okay. So he's like, are you going to give me the whole 300 right now? No, we're not going to give you fucking any right now. Okay. Go tell her that we want to meet with her. Deal's 300. Okay. Alright, you let me go. I'll do that. Okay. Okay. And we cut him loose. Bye-bye.

And he like moonwalks out of the room. Yeah, but he has an erection too. Yeah, he kind of does. He's hiding it, but he moonwalks out of the room. That's why he moonwalks is he's trying to hide his erection. So he doesn't turn to the side so you don't see it. You don't see the profile. Well, I don't see it because it's so small. And he glares at Billy as he moonwalks out of the room. Are you just waiting now? What's Billy's plan? I didn't really have one.

I just thought that if we meet her and then we just don't give her money. Oh, yeah. We could maybe just try and fuck her over. Yeah, I think that's a good plan. Yeah. Perel is there, I guess. And he's like, well, why don't we just follow him now? Oh, yeah. Good idea. Cool. You guys, that wasn't part of your plan? No. Yes. No. Yeah. Yeah, totally. That's what we were thinking. So you just offered him an unbelievable amount of money earnestly? Yes. Holy shit. Allison, go wait in the other room.

If I must. I will say, I'm getting a little peckish. Oh, Rebecca. Ding, ding, ding. Ring the bell for the concierge. Okay. And the concierge shows up. Yes? Would you mind freshening our towels in the other room, please? And he's like, oh, yes, of course. You need more towels? Yeah, in the bathroom there. Okay, great. Yeah, just a second. And he goes in and grabs a couple towels. And we close the door behind him. And who comes out of the shower? Allison? Yeah. What's going on here?

I thought she said she was hungry. Yeah, so we put her in there. Oh, my God. We're feeding her. All right. But we're like, you can only eat enough to make him sad for like a couple days. Yeah, just a snack. A few inches. Okay. I'll catch up with you all later. Okay. What? Oh, I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna see if he's gonna take me to dinner. And then we'll see how it goes. No, just fuck him now. Just do it fast. Just do it fast.

I'm not, it's not a switch that can, not everybody just has a switch that you flip that instantly makes you ready for sex. Tacoma. I'm getting tired of this. Billy notes this. Taps his forehead. Memorize it. You go. I'll deal with this and I'll meet you later. Gross. All right. Let's go, guys. Okay, yeah, let's go. We're leaving Mears and Perel there? Or are they coming? Oh, no. Mears is like, Mears bursts out of the other room and is like, I'm coming. Okay. And Perel comes with you guys.

I need you. Yeah. Yeah. Perel's like, oh, yeah, no, I'm not staying here. Are you kidding me? I know Tuck needs to rest to, like, reboot. Is there, like, some kind of potion I can Don't I have a healing? You do. Let me just real quick look at that. Do you have any poultice? Yeah, I have poultice. But that's not gonna boost you back all the way up. Yeah. It'll get me close enough. Give me, give me. But I'm not close to death. Just a sec.

There's an actual move for this that we haven't really used. So, as you're, like, leaving the hotel, like, fuck, I'm so fucked up. Yeah. I need to rest or something like that. You hear somebody going like, step up, step up, the newest libation from the Firefield's principality. Heals broken bones, knits nasty wounds. Step up, step up, try it. How much?

You go up to the stand and there's a guy in, like, a top hat, like, a bow tie, and he's yelling at people, and he's at a little stand, and it says, uh, Winewood healing libations, and elixirs. Oh, Winewood from the lake. I go to the guy, I'm like, did you get this from Pinewood? We certainly did, the famous Wine Lake of Winewood. Now it's a, an incredible libation, a miracle elixir. Okay, well, yeah, uh, how much for one? One, one, what, glass? Bottle? A bottle. Let's take a bottle. A bottle?

Twenty coins. Twenty coins. I'll give you ten. Twenty coins, sir. This is not a negotiation game. You could not negotiate with miracles. And he twirls his mustache, and he wiggles his fingers in front of your face when he says, miracles. Well, I was gonna just steal it while he's busy, like, negotiating. Yeah, try and steal it. Okay. Twenty's a lot, but the rest were gold. It is. And also, we fucking made it. Yeah. So I'm, I'm talking to the guy, I'm like, twenty coins seems like a lot.

And Billy's doing, what, tricks of the trade, I guess? Yeah, with dexterity. Yeah, two to six plus dexterity. Yeah, I get ten. Shit. Okay, so you've, there's just, like, like, are you, so… I, there's, like, he's, the tent is, like, a table and, you know, a good old craft market kind of set up, and I just slip under the tablecloth, and there's boxes and crates under it, so I grab two. Okay. I've clocked that Billy stole a bunch of them. Yeah, you see Billy coming out from under the tablecloth.

Sir, this is, uh, this is nothing short of pure magic. Do you have a sample? It is a, oh, yes, certainly. And he hands you, like, a little tiny cup. To talk. Oh, yeah, I take it. You heal one experience point. Okay. And you feel, like, a tingle run through your body. And it tastes like lake water. It tastes bad. Well, this tastes like shit. I don't want it. Do you not feel the magic coursing through your very veins? No, this tastes like shit. I don't care. Fuck you. Oh, well, sir, you will…

I grab another sample I drank. Sir! And I'm like, fuck you. You heal another experience point. And then you hear him continue his bark as you leave. Step up, step up. There you go, man. Thank you. You're welcome. And I clink. I clink with Billy. Clink. And I drink it. I drink a little bit to fill her up and I pass it to Ving. Yeah, I take a shot. Let's all fill up. I drink a bottle. Okay, so that's probably… I'm gonna say each bottle of wine wood is, like… Twenty.

It's kind of two healing potions. It's, like, two doses of healing. Yeah, because one heals ten damage. Oh, cool. Oh. Yeah, so, but you have to drink a whole bottle of wine to heal twenty points, which is a huge amount. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah. So all of… I'm back to full HP. Okay, yeah. That's exactly the amount that I need. Five? Yeah, let's do five. So you guys basically share a dose, so you have one dose left. I'll put the half bottle of wine back in my bag. Nice.

Billy, you're feeling a little buzzed. Yeah. Ving, you're feeling a little buzzed. Tuck, you're feeling pretty drunk. What? You drank a whole bottle of wine. It's still wine. Oh, I don't get drunk that easy, though. Alright, roll me a 2d6 plus constitution. My constitution's plus three now. Let's see what happens. Seven, eight, nine, ten. Okay. You don't get drunk. Yeah. Like, this shit sucks. Fuck you. And I throw it at the side of a building. I throw the empty bottle at the side of a building.

People scatter as it smashes against the building. It's kind of a drunk move. Yeah. He doesn't feel drunk, but he is drunk. So we're charged up and ready to fight, potentially. Yeah. And you realize that this pirate has walked away. Oh. Well, he told us where to go. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. He did. He did spill the beans. To the beans! Yeah, let's go to the beans. So you head through town, through the market.

You see the DeSom Creek Theater Society are putting on a show and people are really just loving it. They're eating it up. Oh, man. I really want to see that one. Can we hear a little bit of what's going on? Yeah. Okay. Fuck. I don't even know why I set this up if I didn't think you were going to ask me about it. Okay, so what's happening? Maybe this is the one where DeSom's dad dies. Okay, yeah. He gets killed by ice cream. By ice cream? You don't remember that episode of Dawson's Creek?

Never saw it. No. Oh, it was really funny. Phil Lord and Chris Miller said it was the inspiration for the Ponce de Leon episode of Clone High. That's incredible. So, yeah, so there's like a pretty, like, handsome young blonde man standing on the stage and he's, um, you hear he's throwing, like, little rocks onto the stage and you hear him going, sploosh, sploosh, and you understand he's supposed to be throwing rocks into a creek. He's making the sploosh noises.

Yeah, the guy's going, sploosh, sploosh. And you can hear the rocks just going, sploosh. And there's people near the side of the stage that are, like, moving out of the way. But somebody's, like, picking up the rocks, like, yeah. And he's like, man, I just can't handle my dad anymore. And, uh, another guy with, like, brown hair comes up and he's like, what's up, DeSom? You look… Look down. He's like, it's my dad, Percival.

He's come back into my life and now he wants me to be the perfect son and I don't think that I can be. He's like, you don't have to be the perfect son. Uh, and he puts his hand on his shoulder and he's like, you just have to be the son that you want to be inside of you, DeSom. And the audience goes, aww. And they're clearly stretching it out because someone has missed their cue.

Yeah, you can see somebody on the side of the stage, you can see Jaunter on the side of the stage going, doing that stretch it out motion where it looks like he's pulling taffy. He's like, stretch it out, stretch it out. So they're like, DeSom, wow, the creek is so beautiful at night because now instead of having a script, they have to improvise. And DeSom's like, sploosh. Yes. No, they both do it. Percival goes, yes, and DeSom goes, sploosh.

But they're interrupting each other and they're like, uh, um, uh, yeah. And then it's like they keep throwing rocks and it's like a minute of sploosh. Sploosh. And then they run out of rocks. Just mime it. Just mime it. Sploosh. And they're like, okay, he skips one. And they sploosh, sploosh, sploosh, sploosh, sploosh. And then he's like, okay, you're good. And they go off stage. They go like, they bow and they sidle off the stage and everybody claps.

And then an older middle-aged man wearing like the bottom half of a horse costume like trots across the stage and he's got a big like a skewer of meat in his hands and he's riding and he's like, I love my son so much. I'm so proud of him. I was wrong. And then he drops the meat skewer and he goes, whoops. Well, I better stop and get that. And then he reaches down with the horse costume on. And then dragon. Yeah. Someone in a dragon costume flies by. And throws a bunch of red tissues at him.

And he goes, and the audience is like, no. Oh, and you guys have walked by at this point. Yeah. Yeah. It does. People are wrapped. Yeah. Billy's in tears, but he's wiping them away. That was so emotional. Have you seen any episodes of DeSom's Creek? No, I haven't. And you make your way through the square and through some like bungalows and single family homes and stuff to the beach. And you see in the distance a figure walking down the beach alone. It's him. It's the butt pirate.

Let's follow him. And it's really easy because he's leaving footprints that he's doing nothing about. Sometimes there are two sets of footprints, but that's when Jesus carried him. You follow him for a while and you do see his little far off figure of him dip into the caves. That's the caves. Let's go in. You're just going in the caves? Yeah, wait, wait. You can see that there are two other people standing just inside the mouth of the cave. Can we try and stealth kill?

Or not kill, but like incapacitate? Yeah. Billy's good at Billy has moves about like stealth and about like surprising people. I could try disguise. Yep. You could. As what? One of them. Okay. Yeah. Could you disguise yourself as like a Crystal Bay pirate? Yeah. I'm a new recruit. Yeah. What is the outfit look like? Okay. I grabbed the blanket. What am I wearing? What if it's not an outfit? Like you just take your shirt off and you draw the tattoo on your chest. Yeah, that's what I do. Nice.

Yep. That's good. I still have those like charcoals in my backpack. So I draw my best drawing on my chest and I wear my I kind of flip my shirt around so it looks like like Aladdin vest. Okay. Okay, guys. Wish me luck. And I bye. And we're gonna sneak up on the sides to like be like yeah, totally. Okay. And you Billy you walk up to the mouth of the cave and you see two people step out. They both have the tattoo on like their forearms like the purple skull and they have a little lantern.

And they have their hands on their weapons and like who's that? Oh, it's just me Billy. Who's Billy? I'm the new one. I don't know any Billy. That's because I'm new. Duh. How's it going? It's going all right. Yeah. Now it's a little tense. Well, it's just because you guys got weird about it. And then at that point in time, Ving and I run up and then just do the older brother bully move where we push them both into the ground. And then as they try and get up, we like fucking smack their face.

His face is so hard. You gotta roll for this. Just like from off screen, you just hear like and then just like Okay. Give me like a defy danger dexterity to sneak up on them first. Nine. I got eight. Okay. Partial successes. They look right before we get there. Yeah. They look right at you and they go and they start pulling their weapons out and you just push them right down onto the ground. And yeah, that's the that's the seven to nine is they're not knocked out. They both try and get back up.

So yeah, we just try and smack them in the face as hard as we can while they're on the ground. Just like a one. And I step on his sword and push it into the sand. So hack and slash from both of you to six plus strength. Eleven. Jesus Christ. Nine. Jesus fucking Christ. Okay. Roll your damage. I assume you're not trying to kill them. No, I'm just trying to knock them out with a really hard smack. One. Four. Tuck knocks his right out. That makes sense.

But he does get stabbed in the foot and Vings is still awake but hurt and is struggling and trying to get up and draw their sword. Yeah. I push him into the ground again. Okay. And I'm like, fucking get up, bitch. Okay. Are you trying to knock them out? No, I'm just trying to demoralize them so that Ving can swoop in and knock them out. Okay. Yeah. What's Ving doing? Swooping in and swinging hard. All right. Eight. Okay. Yeah. So roll your damage again. Six. Yeah. There you go.

That second one with Tuck harassing them at the same time. Broke his jaw. Yeah. And they're both out cold on the ground. Nice job, you guys. Yeah. I take their vests. Great work, Billy. So brave. Thank you. High five. High five. Clink. Clink. Well, you guys have their vests. Yeah. Anything else you guys want to take? I'm going to call this guy's clothes. Yeah. Nothing fits. Not even in the slightest. Just like at the clear water that one time. Yeah, totally.

I bury them in sand up to their heads. Oh, my God. And then we make sculpt a mermaid over top of them. Yeah, I put boobs on some part. On some part. So it looks like it's just a couple of tourists that passed out. Yeah. Wonderful. Okay, let's head in. Yeah. Take their lanterns. Yeah. Now would be trap expert. All right. Yeah. It gets dark as we go in. I look around nine nine. Okay, so you hold one. All right. Can we help? No. Yeah, you can help with. Yeah, you got a nine, right? So you can aid.

Yeah. Yeah. So one of you roll 2d6 plus bond 10. Perfect. That's a 10. Billy gets three. So what do you guys do to aid? Can we get Perel to light up the place? Oh, yeah. Perel. Oh, yeah. Perel and mirrors are both there. They've wandered up, but they're like, we'll we'll keep watch. Okay, we'll stay out here. Okay. And here's like, yeah, be be safe. Yeah. What do you how are you guys helping Billy? How how can we make light? Well, you guys have the lantern. So just bring them closer.

I reflect the lantern put it right around my crystal. Do the crystals glow? Yeah, I think they refract. They reflect on the axe close to so we hold. Oh, yeah. Sick. Is there a trap here? And if so, what activates it? There is a trap here and it is activated by a trip wire just inside the cave where it gets dark. There's a there's a trip wire. Okay. Hold on you guys. Let me figure this out. Okay. What does the trap do when I activate it?

You see up above there's a bunch of like cans on a string and you see that it would drop all those cans and they'd make a crazy clattering noise. And then what else is hidden here? In the cave wall, there's a little stash of what looks like a tiny bag of herbs. There's a little bottle of liquid. There's like a there's like a paperback book. It looks like a little stash for like whoever's keeping watch out here. Oh, look there's a what's that book you? Guys really like love and lust.

Yeah, this is I recognize the drawing on the front. It's a similar book. It's two shirtless nights like that. You know, they have the arm armor, but no like chest armor and like little helmets. It's called like a lust unbound. Oh, wow. That's the sequel. Oh, yeah, the sequel. Yeah, same author. Throw it down to you guys. Thanks. I chuck the bags of herbs to Vang. Yeah, just throw the book outside the mirrors. Yeah, and mirrors is like Oh, Oh, There's nothing else.

There's like a little bottle with some liquid in it. Okay. It's booze like it's booze and I'll take that. Yeah. Okay. I throw that to okay. Stand back you guys and I just bend down. I cut the wire. Oh, and the cans all clang down and they they hit like this rock Ledge and they start sliding backwards down the cave tunnel and they just go like clang clang clang clang just look really cool. You guys be cool about this. Yeah, we do a pose. Yeah.

Yeah, you hear a couple noises and then surprising Quickly, the mouth of the cave is just full of thugs. Can Naving do an intimidation thing? Yeah, for sure. Where he elementary masters a big stalactite down and it meets his crystal hand and then he breaks it off like a club. Sick. That's so tight. 11. You have to choose between the effect you desire comes to pass. You avoid paying nature's price or you retain control. You get to choose two of those. I'll pay nature's price. Okay. Yeah.

Same thing. A stalactite comes down from the ceiling. Yeah. You grab it and snap it off like a club and you feel the crystals just creep a little bit further up your arm. Close to my elbow. Yeah. But now you've got this like jagged rock club. Oh, shit. And they're like, what are you doing here? We're here to see Ruby. And you hear some murmuring and they look behind them and they part.

And a young woman with the dark skin of McCall is there and she's got a blade, like a long sword with a big ruby on the end of it on her hip. And she's holding and she says, Well, you found her. And I think that's where we're going to end it this week. Cool. My name is Sean O'Hara. I've been your game master. With me as always playing Fat Billy the Halfling Thief, Jessica Tai. Good night, everyone. Playing Tacoma Dome, the Barbarian, Abdul Aziz. So long.

Playing Ving, the Half-Elf Druid, Paul Oppers. Bye-bye. Thanks to Aaron Reed for the intro and outro music. Thanks to Wes for all the technical work. Thanks to Abdul for the editing. Thanks to our Patreon supporters and listeners around the world. And thanks to Adam Coble and Sage LaTorah for inventing Dungeon Wars. A game that you can find a lot of places. Thank you so much for listening, everybody. We'll see you next time.

And so ends the tale of Adventures 3 Who tried the best they can Though dumb and scared and lost they be For time's abreast in revelry And though our journey may be like a conclusion We'll find the way back home We'll find the way back home We'll find the way back home We'll find the way back home We will not leave you without a resolution Return next week to hear some more Whilst you commute or do your chores And for you I'd gladly spell war

Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers have health, he shifts his shape, and wields a spear with great might Billy's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends, and listen close For the tale's about to start Hello everybody and welcome to Spout Lore I'm your gamekeeper Game master Sean O'Hara, and with me as always, playing Fat Billy the Halfling Thief Jessica Tai Hello Playing Tacoma Dome, the barbarian of Fucking Abdul, come on man You did it so deliberately No, we needed some of these The table's wider than usual You grabbed three d20s You grabbed one d6, you didn't even grab everything you needed All you need is a d6, two d6, there you go Perfect That's Tacoma Dome, the barbarian played by Abdul Aziz Hi Does this count as a shoeing convention?

Absolutely not I mean, unless pissing me off Immediately Yeah, totally Playing Ving, the half-elf druid, Paul Oppers You guys make me sick I'm outta here Oh shit, he tore up his contract Fuck He tore up the spell log contract that we all had to sign when we got here It's a contract that says that none of us are making any money Aha When last we left our heroes They had entered the beach town of The resort town Little Sur was a beach town Crystal Bay is a resort town Of Crystal Bay And came to the There was some weird spirit stuff at the beginning Oh yeah Yeah, the group ran into the convoy of the DeSom Creek Theater Society Billy hung out for a little bit Then Vinny ran into the convoy of the DeSom Creek Theater Society And Ving and Tuck were playing a game where they were throwing rocks around And Ving summoned a spirit of sand To throw a rock at Tuck And accidentally pissed them off And they just started whipping rocks at everybody Was it the spirit of sand or the spirit of the ocean?

It was the beach Because you didn't even hit the water with the rock that you were throwing You were like, I bet I could throw a rock from here into the water And you did not Yeah It was embarrassing for everybody But then we made it to Crystal Bay And some hangouts were happening The group was able to bilk themselves into a Resort A reservation at the Emerald Hotel and Spa The finest resort in Crystal Bay And Mears and Perel Just decided to stay behind In the hotel room While some spa shit went down And the group was Recommended to go to a Small little bar slash eatery Called the Beached Whale Where they did go Tuck had a disastrous interaction with a local cougar Named Dina And then ran into His old fling And then he was!

There's a woman sort of thing a beehive I guess so all right yeah like will mcflintstone kind of oh my god uh perfect so tell me a little bit about succubi in mccall and they're like like how they have interacted with society um I think it's kind of the same everywhere I don't think they're just a mccall thing okay I think there are a lot of them in mccall there's a lot of them I think there's like more there than other places why do you think that is because I feel like mccall is like uh older because it's kind of an older town so there's like more acceptance of like weird demonic creatures and stuff the religion in the principalities is pretty staunchly like demons are bad but in other places they're just like oh whatever it doesn't matter right yeah because mccall is like an older religion and the god of the flame is kind of a demon interesting it's seen by other religions as like a demon because it's a fire person oh wait is the prince of flame made of fire uh yeah just a burning person he's a burning person that's really spooky yeah so there's like a lot more acceptance of like that kind of stuff there interesting so what is a in our setting they just feed on life force of someone else through sex or relationship okay yeah cool yeah they don't necessarily kill someone when they leave sometimes like someone will date a succubus and then she'll finish feeding on his life force and he'll just be sad for a few months after the breakup yeah yeah I just think wow that that breakup really hit me hard yeah lose a bunch of weight yeah but it was a demon he was just depressed because she had eaten his part of his soul classic most succubi don't kill people yeah they don't just eat the whole soul uh-huh yeah well yeah why would you and we're also saying that male succubi called incubi no they're called male succubi all right there's all right are we not creating our own world sean you already haven't by using succubi no that's a term I came up with uh-huh and how did you get what's the root of the word succubi uh so because they're by they're all of the succubi are by uh-huh and they suck you and then they turn you by wow and that's how I came up with it uh-huh original character do not steal anyway yeah male succubi the way that they feed on women's souls is by just destroying their self-esteem by treating them like garbage yeah so anytime you see like a shitty dude with like a really cool like hot chick it's usually because he's a succubus wow whenever you're like what the fuck is going on here he's not even nice or cool it's just like oh it's because he's like he's eating her soul he's eating her soul yeah and he'll say shitty stuff like wow you like when we got together you still like really put a lot of effort in not anymore I guess yeah incredible so that is where we are oh allison whoa uh-huh good to see you again and then I leaned back and to like put my hand on the counter and I miss and I uh I fall backwards it's been a minute screech my why yeah I think what happened was I put my hand on the bar but it was wet and it slipped and I hit my head yeah elbow on the bar slip hit my head and then immediately get back up laughing my head is bleeding it's this live edge yeah and I also have to say that I'm not a big fan of the bar I'm not a big fan of the bar I'm not a big fan of the bar I'm not a big fan of the bar two black guys from that fight in the pool just at tacoma you've had quite a night uh it's uh just uh getting started if this is the tacoma I remember you always were able to take a little bit of punishment and I have taken quite a bit since we met to old times she holds up her drink and then I take it from her and I drink it and she kind of she just kind of looks at you like neutrally and just holds up her hand to the bartender for one more would you like another drink yeah sure okay then she holds up the symbol for two more okay which is uh two fingers she does she does like uh rock paper scissors too nice billy and ving are at the tables just like enjoying your meals yeah well we also just watched the aftermath of the bar of like allison and tuck meeting again yeah so what a billion thing to hearing the word allison well we mouths agape jump up we both jump up uh and then uh we're just like oh my god that's her she's real he wasn't making her up holy moly she's really pretty yeah ving then gets up to go talk to dina so ving just walks out of the bar to follow dina to wherever she's going oh and then comes back in the bar with her like come on let's go get a drink okay yeah comes back a moment later at the bar with dina he was like to billy they were like oh my god that's allison that's crazy that's nuts I'll be right back I'll be right back okay out the door comes back 30 seconds like before like the saloon doors and they squeak open before they can squeak back he comes back in with dina she's like oh hi yeah yeah right this way I like your crystal hands you would your crystal hands are so cool they're also pretty warm and they're just doing that she's like running her hands up and down ving's weird crystal arms hands and wrists or wherever it's at watch this she's trying to sing for you I used to do a little bit of singing in my youth oh yeah yeah yeah I believe you a bit kind of a dick to women a little bit what you didn't remember vev's name who's vev yeah there we go uh so what's billy doing he's just he's eating and he's taking the opportunity to eat some of ving's food okay when watching all these uh adults yeah and I'm like I don't know why they spend so much time with these women I don't know what they offer but it must be good and then my thoughts go to something else.

Just stop thinking about it entirely. I'm just eating. Oh, it's roast. I like that it was like they watched a train wreck happen and they were like, whoa. Oh my god. I think where it was like So many train wrecks. Yeah, they were just like Billy's like, I'm going to eat all of this food that I ordered and Bing is like, I'm going to go fuck that lady that Tuck fucked up with. Oh my god.

And that's where Tuck's leaned over the bar and the bartender comes over and brings two more of this cocktail that she's drinking. What are you doing in Crystal Bay? Oh, you know. I just kind of drift around. I go where the food is and an event like the Coronetta, it's kind of hard to pass up. Is it like a sex festival?

Well, we talked about yesterday or last time we played we talked about that since the Coronette is here people think that conceiving a child during the Coronetta the child will be like incredible. So a lot of people come here and try and bang. Succubus, they'll follow desperation around. Yeah, exactly. So they're like a lot of people are really desperate to bang in this period of time and I am here for it. So yeah, she's just like, you know, it's like a feast.

So there's a bunch of succubi in town? Is Bing in the situation? Is Bing like moving closer to the conversation? And Dina's like, so where are you from? The hardwoods in the frozen north. Oh, that sounds so interesting. And you're like looking at Tuck and Allison. She's like grabbing your face and moving it back towards her. Oh, hey, I like your hair. Yeah. What's up with the gills? Oh, those are my tell. What does that mean? I'll tell you later. Tickles the hair on her chin.

And Allison is like, wait, does she have a beard? No. Hair's on her chin. Sometimes, you know. Menopause. That's just Dina. Yeah. Menopause is a bitch. Okay, cool. Or maybe wherever she's from, women just have goatees sometimes. She's trying to help her grow, you know? Trying to help her grow that hair on her face. And Allison is saying, you know, and especially the way that this coronet has been working out, I don't see myself leaving anytime soon. Oh, yeah, because it's like lasting forever.

Well, I mean, you might have noticed, but. What time of day would you say it is? You know what? It really wasn't established that well. I said that as you were coming to the beach dwell that you were surprised that the sun hadn't fully gone down yet. Oh, yeah. And you look out the window and it's still sunset. I don't know. It's like evening? I mean, by my watch, and she pulls out like an old flip open mechanical watch, she's like, it's 5 a.m. Whoa. What?

Yeah, so, you know, people, sunset's so beautiful. It's already, you know, it gets the blood flowing for a lot of people. This has been a real nice hunting ground for me for the last few weeks. Wait, how long has the sun been setting for? Say 16, 17 days. Whoa, what the fuck? I wish I could explain it, but it has been a boon for me. And she takes a sip of her cocktail. Have you been killing guys? Killing? Please. Why would I cut down the tree when all I need is a little applesauce? Gross. Fuck.

She takes another sip. That's based on a real… I thought about that thing when I was thinking about what Allison's doing here. That's based on a real thing my dentist said to me when he heard that I got engaged. Wow. He said, why would you buy the cow when all you want is a little ice cream? What the fuck is wrong with your dentist? He divorced his wife and married his secretary. Like a classic piece of shit dentist.

She's like, no, you know, I just, so I just I take a little bit here, I take a little bit there. Oh, yeah. You did it to me. Remember? When you took my second virgin? Do you remember that? And she stops. She was taking a sip of her drink and she looks at you like, excuse me? Remember when you… Tacoma, we never… I wrote a whole song about it. What do you… What do you think the second virginity is? It's the kissing virginity. And she closes her eyes.

The first one is hugging, second one is kissing. Oh, Tacoma. And then the third one is both hugging and kissing. Together at the same time. Yeah, I suppose we never did those two things at once, did we? Yeah. I haven't gone past two. Oh, Tacoma. And she pats your shoulder. You sweet, sweet boy. Two. Yes, two. We've lost two virginities. Oh, boy. There's 45. It's been a long time since we've seen each other. Yeah, wait, no, hold on. I'm sorry. 45? Yeah, the last one is anal.

And she kind of goes, hmm. This is a list that I was given. When I was living on the streets of McCall. Oh, I did see that list going around back in the day. The 23rd one is like having sex with like a folded knee. You know what? Let's not talk anymore about this. Okay. I'm here for business, not pleasure, as it were. What are you doing here? We're just, we're also here for pleasure. Which is the opposite of what you said. Any winks at her. Oh, what? We're also here for pleasure.

Is that what you said? Wait, what did you say? I said, yeah. Oh, boy. Jeez. And then I grab her drink and I drink it. I got you one. I finished it. Okay. I'm really stressed out. She holds up her hand two more. Yeah. I have a tab going. Okay, cool. Yeah. Me and the bartender, we have a little arrangement. Are you having sex with him for free alcohol? That's the arrangement, yes. I'm here with these guys that I point to Billy and Ving. Hi.

She sees like a little child, a tiny one foot, two foot tall ball sitting alone eating a feast at a table. That's, is he yours? Yeah, that one's mine. And then that's my partner. And I point it. Oh, Tacoma. I'm so glad that you found happiness. Yeah, these guys are great. Yes, I'm sure they are. There's two more back at the hotel. Oh. Yeah. Well, Tacoma, I like that you've grown. Yeah. Yeah. He got confused. He doesn't know what she's talking about.

Have you heard that song that's been going around? And she smiles like, I had a feeling that that was you. That was us. That was Ving. Ving was the one that did the backing vocals on it. Ving just turns around and gives her like a little rock and roll. Rock and roll horns. Crystal horns. And she, she holds up her drink, gives you a nod. And so what happened? I'm wondering, what did Tuck think happened to Allison? He thought that a priest killed her. Oh, yeah, right. Right, okay.

But it's pretty sick that you're not dead or in hell. Well, I was banished for a year or two. You were in the outer dark? Yeah. I got sent back. That was unpleasant. I so enjoyed having a humanoid form that going back to sort of the boundless chaos of the outer dark was not enjoyable experience altogether. But I'm so glad to be back. And I'm so glad to meet you again and your friends. Little boy over there. Hello. This is Billy. This is Billy. Does he want to come over here?

Well, let's just go over to the table. Okay, I'll come sit with you. Yeah. And Allison walks up. She's very graceful. She's got a flowing red dress, long red hair, pale skin. Oh, my God. Is Billy feeling feelings? No, but he's intimidated. Well, yeah, for sure. Are you a ghost? Oh, no, I'm not a ghost. I'm a woman. Okay. She slides into the booth. What's your name? I'm Fat Billy. Your name is Fat Billy? Yes. Okay. Yes. My name's Allison. She holds out a hand. Oh, you're Allison. That one.

Yes, that one. I assume you've heard the song. Yes. I assume you've heard some stories. I've heard the virginities. And she looks at Tacoma like, how much have you told him? Not a lot. We haven't had the talk yet. Yeah, the virginities. Is Billy saying virginity? Yes. Does he know my true nature? Yeah, it was in the song. Oh, yeah, I suppose it was. Yeah, he knows. Billy, do you know what a succubus is? Yeah, she took your heart and your hymen. Those poor hymen. The men. The Scottish hymen.

Yeah. So, yeah, he kind of knows. Where'd you keep them? Oh, there were some inconsistencies in that song, I assure you. Billy, when you're like looking at Allison, you're thinking, oh, she's very pretty, but she also seems very scary. No, like, you're getting this weird vibe where she seems very nurturing. What? Like she would take care of you. Really? I know. Like, at first you're like, oh, she's very unsettling in some way.

But you get this like nagging feeling that she's like, she would be somebody that would take care of you, that you could come to if you were scared or if you were sad. But I'm scared right now. Yeah. It's a very, do you want to, is there any sort of role that you want to make? Yeah, how do I, I will discern the realities of Allison. So 2d6 plus wisdom. 10. So awesome. 10 plus. With a 10 plus you get three questions from this list. What happened here recently? What is about to happen?

What should I be on the lookout for? What here is useful or valuable to me? Who's really in control here? What here is not what it appears to be? Okay, I'm gonna ask what should I be on the lookout for? This feeling of Allison like being nurturing in some way. Mm-hmm. Since you have more experience with magical, supernatural stuff, you understand that this is not a feeling that you were feeling. This is an energy that she's putting off. Okay. And then who's really in control here? Allison.

Definitely. Allison is in control in here to a degree that you are just starting to recognize now that you realize that this isn't a natural feeling that you were feeling for her. You look around and you see everybody in the bar is kind of stealing glances at her. There are some people openly staring like it's just like everyone in the bar is being pulled towards her in a weird way. Hmm. And what here is not what it appears to be. Okay. Yeah.

So Billy, you notice you're like watching all these people that are being pulled towards Allison and staring and you see one table of real rough neck looking like shitty guys. Yeah. And they're looking over at Allison and they're looking at tuck and they're like talking behind their hands like like pointing at him like and they're like kind of psyching each other up. You see one of them start to get up from the table with like a beer really wagering over. What is Mark of Might do again?

Mark of Might is they recognize you as somebody not to be fucked with. Do you have that? Yeah, I have Mark of Might. Oh, okay. So that would probably actually and my Mark of Might is like a bunch of friendship bracelets that we all made for each other. So we're each wearing three friendship bracelets. Right. I forgot about that. I forgot that's what you decided. That is like makes it very clear that we're friends. Yeah.

So does Billy just like like kick tuck under the table or something like that? Is this guy swag? Yeah, I do. Yeah. Yeah. I've been while he does this. I've been listing the different virginities and I was like, so number 10 is over the shirt or under the shirt over the bra left. Yes. Number 11 is over the shirt under the bra right boob. Oh, they're separate virginity. And honestly, this is the first time these guys are hearing this. Yeah. It's wrapped. Yeah. Billy Billy thinks this is the talk.

So I'm taking notes. No. Yeah. Yeah. Jessica poked her brain every time. Talk to us on Billy goes pokes his forehead. I got it in here. I got it. This is how Billy learns is like he listens with his eyes open. He's like, it's in there. It's in there. It's in there. It's in there. It's in there. It's in there. Great. When Billy learns, it's so fucking weird. He's also got like because they gave him like the menu, the kids menu with the crayons.

So he's like making symbols like okay, boob their boob. It's not good, but he knows what it is. It's Billy language. It's like Billy's weird, like pretending to write scribbles that actually do have meaning. Yeah. Yeah. If you look at him really hard, you're like, oh, no, I get what he's trying to say. I get what he's saying for some reason. That's soft core. This guy is he's standing there with like a mug and he's pretty big. He's definitely not as big as Tucker Ving, but he's pretty big.

And I bring my hands up from under the table to reveal my friendship bracelets. And I do the same. And Ving turns around and planks his crystal arm with bracelets around it. Yeah. So the guy sees Tuck do that and he's like, oh, I'm not just gonna go talk shit to this one guy. There are three people in this bar. Two and a half men, really. How have we not ever made that connection? I don't know. The closest I ever got was three men and a baby, but with two men. Yeah. We suck at comedy. So dumb.

So he like he sees enormous Tuck and especially when you put your friendship bracelets up on the table, he sees your like enormous arms, like how truly yoked you are. And then Billy puts his up and he sees Billy's got a ton of knives and he sees Ving like things becoming basically a monster. I flare my gills at him. Yeah. And you got the crystal claws and he just looks at everybody and he goes, hey, hey, what's up? Can we help you, friend? I doubt it.

Is there someone else who can help you there? I don't know. He's really nervous because he came over here being like, this is going to be great. And now he's like, I don't know. What about what about you? How are you doing? And he looks at Allison and Allison takes a sip of her drink like I'm fine. Like you can tell he wants to say something, but he's he's working up the courage. And then what's we're like, what's your name? It's not it's tuber.

We can tell that he's and he's nervous about talking. And we're like we get nervous when we talk sometimes to just say whatever's in your head. It's totally fine. It's a safe space. You're with friends. Yeah, say it. And then we're like to to to and he just turns around and he walks away to don't be like that. He gets back to the table and his friends are like, what are you doing? What do you do? Go back there. Go back. And he's like, and one of his friends is like, no, forget this.

They're not even from here. You could. They're not even from here, man. This is our bar. And one of them just picks up like their glass and whips it at your at your booth. Okay. Whoa, it's sailing right at your booth. What do you do? I just punch it with my crystal hand. Sick. Give me a defy danger dexterity. What a wild move. Yeah. Oh, wow. Snake ice. Yeah, there's nothing we can do. Nothing you can do about that. So what happens when you try to hit this?

I punch the glass still intact into Tuck's face. I said, heads up. Bam. Right in Tuck's face. What's your damage? D6. Roll it. Roll it. No, you don't really do six. Talk. You roll a D6 to so you only take one because you have natural one armor. Oh, man. I start laughing because I thought it was pretty funny. Yeah, but it just smashes. It hits me in the nose. Like that was pretty close. You have a bloody forehead, two black eyes and a cracked nose. Man, crystal base fucking attempt.

Oh, it chipped your tooth, bud. No, not my tooth. Oh, no. And all these guys start laughing like and like multiple tables of shitheads are just laughing at you now. Hey, like get out of here. Come on. Get out of here. You little wusses. Get up. Move on. What is the establishment doing? This is a classy joint. The beached whale? No, it's not. Oh, it's kind of a shitty. Yeah, it's kind of a dive. The bartender is not paying a attention. Like he's like looking away like cleaning glasses. Wow.

You get the idea that these guys like all know each other and that this is maybe a bar that like the bartender doesn't really want them at, but they pay most of the time. Maybe they're related to somebody. Oh, it's like there's like some kind of crime. Yeah, it's like a mob thing. Like they're all in a gang and it's like, well, we can't really tell them to leave. Yeah. But nobody else wants to come here because these guys are here all the time. And so I stand up.

You stand up and like six tables of people stand up and I'm like, hey, rude. Apologize to Billy because he got beer all over the thing. Stands up. I'm sorry, man. That was my dad. I'm sorry, bud. See, he apologized. I forgive you. That was easy. Yeah, you guys apologize now. And Tuber is like, we're not going to apologize for anything. This is our bar. What are you talking about? Do you own it? No, we just own like half of Crystal Bay. Really? Are you? What?

What's a dumb name for a gang that thinks it's cool? The Red Scorpions? Diamond Shields? The Crystal Bay Pirates? Yeah, I like that. Okay. So stupid. It is. You just stumbled into the one of the many layers of the Crystal Bay Pirates and they roll up. He rolls up his sleeve and there's like a crystal, a purple crystal skull tattoo on his arm and they all roll up their sleeves and they've all got this tattoo of a crystal purple skull. Whoa. Can I see it? Can I go closer?

And they all back up a little bit. I just want to look at the tattoo. Oh, I like this moment of like, let me see it. Whoa. Yeah. I want to see a tattoo. Whoa. It's like tense, but you're just trying to look at the tattoo. I'm trying to look at your tattoo. If you want to come look at it, you're going to have to come look at my fist. And there's a second where everybody waits to see what Tuck does.

And Allison is sitting in the booth and she uncrosses her legs and then crosses them again and takes a sip of her drink. And then everything goes nuts. Barbara! Yeah, and somebody starts playing peony. It's like ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. He swings at you. What do you do? I try and grab his arm as he's swinging. Roll a d6. Three. He hits you right in the face. You take two damage. I do the thing where I get hit in the face and I laugh. I go, whoa. Pretty good.

And then I kick him in the stomach out the window. Okay. Roll a hack and slash. Fuck yeah. He takes damage like he heard a joke. Good one. Nine. Roll your damage. Six. So you just, what, you plant your foot on his chest like Hulk style? Yeah. And so you kick this guy, you kick Tuber out a window and he's just gone. And then his friend picks up a chair and slams you with it. That's where I want sound effects. Roll d6 again. Six. Six. So he hits you for five damage.

He just destroys a chair on your back. I'm going up to the chair destroyer. Okay. So what does Bing do? I'm going to punch him in the face. Okay. Two to six plus your strength. Eight. Roll your damage. Five. Yeah. Again, you take care of this guy very easily. He hits you a couple times. Like as you pick him up, he like kicks you in the shins. Ah, my shins. And then you just throw him out the window behind his friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a small pile of people ending up outside this window.

Billy has a move that allows him to act very quickly. So is Billy doing anything? Oh, shoot first. Yeah, of course. I put some oil of tagget on my daggers and I just go and cut some ankle tendons. Oh my God. Some Achilles heels. Okay. Yeah, they're going to need some serious surgery. Holy shit. So is Billy sneaking up on a particular person? There's two guys who were like kind of leaning out the window like, oh shit. And I cut their ankles. Oh my God. Yeah. Huh. So I did. Nine. Roll your damage.

Four. Okay. Yeah. So that is you just sneak up behind this guy and you slice his leg with the oil of tagget. Sure do. And he goes, and then he just slumps down on the ground. Bye. Snoring lightly. And kiss him. Sleep tight. Good night, sweet prince. And his friend looks down and is like, what the fuck is this? Yeah, you're next, bud. Little kid with a knife. You know, like I feel like most of them didn't even see Billy. No, they don't talk.

You look over and you see Billy get grabbed by the scruff of his shirt by this Crystal Bay Rock pirate. I take the table that we were sitting at and I lift it and I throw it at the largest group of them. Okay, cool. So yeah, that's like a defy danger strength. Strength is two is six. Can I help? Oh, he only got a six. Yeah. So you can eat him for sure. Yeah. Maybe we pick it up together and we throw it together. Yeah, for sure. So 2d6 plus bond three tables a lot heavier than it was. Yeah.

So I believe that you both failed. So you get you both get an experience point. Yeah. So it is a thing where I like I kick it over and I'm like, or no, I'm tuck. I'm like table and then we both go to lift it and it's just table. Yeah, it's nailed to the floor. It's oh, yeah, we like try and push it. We both like oh, once you do that, the group of Crystal Bay Pirates that work you were going to throw them at just dive over the table on both of you and start beating the shit out of you.

How many you said the largest group probably for yeah, six people. Yeah. So there's three on each of you just wailing on you. So give me another d6 and this one's going to be plus two six. Yeah. So you take eight total and they're just like raining punches down on you. I am a running pretty low on HP. Yeah. Yeah. What do you have? Oh, I have three left. Whoa. No, there's no way that lost 21 in this fight, but we haven't rested. You've had multiple nights of full rest.

No, the last though I lost a bunch of HP when those rocks were hitting me from the beach and then they fight game in the spa that wasn't restful. Oh, yeah, I think I lost. Okay. Yeah, talk just hasn't had the opportunity to rest. Yeah, so I'm seeing the light leave text like we're both getting well done and looking over in between punches running is a thing that you can do. How many people are left? There are seven left. There's three on you three on thing and then one has Billy by the scrub.

I was I don't know. I feel like a crazy explosive. Oh, shapeshift might what if I came here up? Yeah, like like this is it's been a long time since being a shapeshifted to just thinking of like just popping into like just going crazy and shapeshifting, but it'll be really sloppy and kind of a mix of a bunch. Oh, yeah. So wait, how does your animal companionship work? I don't know. Do you turn into a Thunderbird or do you know Thunder? Yeah, it's a companion of mine.

Oh, yeah, and it's this is just begun. So it could eventually be like his actual animal companion. Yeah. Yeah, but right now it's like he has visions of it once in a while because he marked it with the water from the Sea of Graves. Yeah. Is this the moment to try maybe while he's getting pummeled? He's seeing. Oh, yeah. Totally like Thor. When Thor's getting the ship beaten out of him by the Hulk. Yeah, totally. Ragnarok and he's like seeing stuff. Yeah, exactly.

You're having flashes of like clouds and pillars and like fights with other Thunderbirds and lightning and storm clouds. And then he just transforms into a polar bear with Thunderbird wings tight. Yeah. And crystal hands and like a weird antlers. He's got antlers on there too. And he's got doing every snake tail. He has a snake tail. Whoa, the butter the face part. Yeah. His penis is a Arctic chair penis. Nine. Sick. So you get one hold from this. Yeah. And I murder all the guys. Sick.

So it's just this group of people are just wailing on you over and over again. And then suddenly there's a massive polar bear in the middle of the room. Huge like storm gray wings, antlers, crystal paw, crystal paws, flaring gills, rock hard char, the fog of the sea of graves pours from the gills and his rock hard fish dick is there. Snake tail and a white snake tail. And it is a terrifying sight to behold. And is your is the hold that you're using to like scare the shit out of all these. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And beat them with my wings like so Sean in the face, by the ways I imagine like when they beat their wings, it's like a thunderclap. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like it shatters people's ears. Yeah. The one that's the one that's holding Billy like is starting to pick Billy up is just like pushed sideways out of the broken window. Yeah. Bye, bitch. Billy hits. Oh, yeah.

Like a sack of rice and the ones that got thrown off thing just run and the other ones that were on tuck also just fucking are covering their ears. There's like blood pouring out of their eardrums and shit like that. And most of them just start running. Cool. More like the crystal butt pirates. High five. He says as a polar bear. Yeah, they're all starting to run like one. The one that built was holding Billy got kicked out the window. Can I chase them? Oh, yeah. Okay, I'm going. Yeah.

So what's Billy trying to do? He's gonna throw daggers. Oh, yeah. Okay. Oh, Billy's just like I'm gonna kill them. I'm just mad. Yeah. I got seven. So then yeah, roll your damage. Seven. Oh, yeah. You just fucking kill. You throw a knife and you miss because you're so mad. And then the other one just nails them and they're they hit. Are you killing them? Yep.

Then yeah, it hits him and like in the base of the skull and he just crumples into the bar and the right sweet prince and the rest run out of the room. Sick. And the other one that was asleep on the ground is now like groggily trying to be like what the fuck is happening. So there's one of the crystal bay pirates is still here. And the bartender gets up covering his ears and he's like, you need to go. What? Get out of here. He's terrified. He's staring at this massive polar bear monster.

We will leave. Yeah. Okay. So I grab Allison by the arm because I know that she did this. Uh-huh. And I'm like, we're going now because wherever you want to go, shut the fuck up. And I grab the the sleepy butt pirate. Oh, yeah. Okay. Drag him out to. Wow. What a fucking question. Terrifying. As a polar bear. Yeah. And I turned to Dina. I'm like, call me. And Dina's like, what? She's got both of her hands on her ears. Everyone's dead. Snake kisses. Snake tail kisses her on the cheek.

She is not into that. No. And you're gone. Dina stays behind. Yeah. So where is there somewhere nearby that we could have like a quiet conversation? Let's go to a quiet beach rock. Yeah. Yeah. There's lots of beach. And the beach dwell was already sort of on the edge. Of any super populated part of town. And it's sunset. I mean, it's been sunset for a while, but everybody's milling about elsewhere.

So you take her down to the beach and you drag her further down the beach and you get to this part where it's pretty quiet. There's no one nearby. There's no houses and it's just like the ocean, the sand, and then it goes up to like a high cliff with like grass at the top. Like there's a field at the top of this cliff, but here you're secluded and you're alone. Are the crystals in the ocean doing anything?

They're reflecting the light from the sunset and they're sort of casting these moving lights. These like undulating patterns on the cliff behind you. Prismatic. Cool. Yeah. Sick. Yeah. Which is illuminating bits of crystal in the rock itself. Like it's a very glittery area that you find yourself in. Bing's crying. Sorry. Bing's crying? Yeah, he's crying. Why? Because he feels so guilty for making bear and snake and char and thunderbird. Yeah. And elk. He's just like, yeah, it hurts.

He's just having a moment with it. Yeah. And it just makes him really mad. Yeah. As a butt pirate. As a crystal pirate. They're butt pirates now. So yeah, I just kind of like toss Allison. I've just been dragging her and I've been quiet because I've been really mad and like thinking about what I wanted to say and I just like toss her on the sand and I was like what the fuck was that? I'm sorry. I really am sorry. I'm sorry about that. You put all of us in danger. This isn't okay anymore.

Like I have a family now. I've just I've never I haven't been like Billy's a kid. Bing has not transformed in months and look at them. Look at what you did. I'm a monster. I'm a murderer. Billy's fake. Yeah. Yeah. He's just laughing. Now. I knew you could handle it. No, this is too much. I agree. I haven't had this long an opportunity to feed in my entire existence. This is the strongest I've ever been.

It's to the point where I don't even the smallest gesture can set off of a feeding frenzy wherever I go, but I knew that you could handle it. You wanted to take care of me, didn't you? Tacoma? I don't want you, but I have a pretty hard erection right now. The fight is kind of turning Tacoma. She stood up. She's like brushing sand off of her like long pale legs. The light from the crystals is glittering off her skin. This is such an uncomfortable situation. Yeah.

So you think you're telling me that you're not interested in having any part of me now, but you've released an almost universally popular single that's being heard. Heard in towns across the principalities. You think that I wasn't going to find you? You think that I wasn't going to follow the clues? You knew I would find you. You knew that I needed you. For what? Come on, Tacoma. I was banished. He's touched his boner into his waistband. And it's peeking at the door. Disgusting. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I don't know what he's gonna do with it. He's trying to have a conversation. Such an old school solution. He has his hand over it. Yeah, he's trying to be modest. He's holding an algebra book over it. Come on, Tacoma. Think. I was banished for two years, and now I'm back. You think that the priest that banished me was just gonna give up? I'm being followed. I'm being tracked. I knew you were the only person that could help me, and then I found myself here in Crystal Bay.

And I can't leave. What do you mean you can't leave? I have tried. I can't find the will to leave here. I think I've been trapped. By what? And, Abdul, this is a question I have for you. What is, like, the group within the Church of the Flame that traditionally banishes demons called? I guess the Lightguard? Pretty sick. Is this a Spout Lore roll, do you think? Yeah, this could be a Spout Lore, for sure. Yeah. Holy shit. Eleven plus… What? Intelligence. Eleven. Alright. Eleven plus eleven.

Spectacular. Well, you still got an eleven, so that's wonderful. On a ten plus on Spout Lore, the GM will tell you something interesting and useful about the subject relevant to your situation. The religion of flame organizes the world into two sections. There's, like, the light and the dark, and the dark is the outer dark, where, like, demons and hungry ghosts and all that bullshit live. And the outer dark is where, like, dead stars die and go to the outer dark.

And when demons die, they end up going to the outer dark. Like, there are, like, entities in the world that get drawn to, like, this other half of the universe when they die. So, the Lightguard exists to separate the outer dark from the world that we live in, which is, like, the world of the flame. Mm-hmm.

So, the religion of the flame and the Lightguard, they think it's their duty to make sure that the two worlds are always separate, which is why the Lord of the Flame burned out that ocean, because people think the salt flats are, like, a seal, kind of separating the two worlds. Oh, cool. Yeah. Which is also why the salt flats are called the Broken Shores. Mm-hmm. Because they're the shores on the edges of the two worlds. Right. Cool. Awesome. That's great. That's really good stuff.

Do I get a point for that? No, that's not an elevator move. Take it back. Take it back. I take all of that back. It's not canon. Cut it out. I am deleting this file. Good luck. So, yeah, that was a spell, Lord. So, yeah, Allison says, the Lightguard is looking for me. They've tracked me here. I think there are others stuck you by in Crystal Bay right now. They've trapped us all here. The Coronet might be connected. It's been sunset for over two weeks. I don't know how they did it.

They shouldn't have this much power. This is impossible. But we're all here. We can't leave. And the Lightguard is coming. What can we do? Save me. How? Kill them. And that's where we're gonna end it for this week. My name is Sean O'Hara. I'm your Game Master. With me, as always, playing Fat Billy, the Halfling Thief, Jessica Tai. Bye, everyone. Playing Tacoma Dome, the Barbarian, Abdulaziz. So long. Playing Ving, the Half-Elf Druid, Paul Oppers. Take care.

Thanks to Aaron Reid for the intro and outro music. Thanks to Wes for all the technical work. Abdul for all the editing. And thanks to our Patreon supporters for supporting the show. We really appreciate that. We've been playing Dungeon World by Adam Coble and Sage Latoura, which you can find online wherever you get your RPGs from. And if you want to find Spout Lore on social media, we're at Spout Lore in most places. Should be pretty easy to find at this point. Yeah, you fucking idiots.

You dumb pieces of shit. You keep asking, where do I find you? That was a weird, that became Scottish. Marble. You dumb pieces of shit. Here we go. I had an idea for anyone that's making stuff on the internet. What if there's a website that has an account on it where you can put your profile and you just describe everything that you do and you put links to all the stuff that you do on there. It's called MSN Messenger. Find us. We are at Spout Lore.

Backslash IceDragon6969 at MSN Messenger.ca There are a lot of IceDragon6969s. We're the one with the Bright Eyes song lyrics in our bio description. See you on MSN, everybody. Have a good night. Bye-bye. And so ends the tale of Adventures 3 who tried the best they can. Though dumb and scared and lost they be, for time suppressed in revelry. And though our journey may be like a conclusion, we will not leave you without a resolution.

Return next week to hear some more whilst you commute or do your chores.! I'm going to the! I'm going to the! I'm going to the! I'm going to the! I'm going to the!

Hi everybody, this is your Game Master Sean O'Hara. I'm here with everybody, Paul Oppers, Jessica Tai, and Abdul Aziz. We're just jumping in a little bit here to tell you that we've reached our first monthly goal on Patreon, $500 a month, which means that we have unlocked the first goal, which is that we will be recording and releasing a new monthly side game.

What we're going to do for our side game as of right now is we are going to try and play a Blades in the Dark campaign set in the High Spear Mall, where Abdul, Paul, and Jessica will play members of the Cool Treat Kids, competing for turf and jobs and candy sales territory against various small factions like the Hot Meat Boys and others. And this is obviously we'll have time to think about this because our plan is to do a character creation session at some point. This month. Oh, thank God.

So we'll do character creation, and then we'll probably try and do like a first episode and see how we're feeling after that. Well, I'm excited for them to have a mode of transportation around the mall. Something that rules us. Like a Segway? Yeah. Yeah. You guys do have a lair. Oh my God. You would have a lair as the Cool Treat Kids. I'm excited to talk more about the mall. I like this weird like post-apocalyptic magic mall. A lot of weird stuff in there. But.

Also, there's different like gangs. Like you guys can be assassins, bravos, a cult. Oh God. Hawkers is probably what Hawkers is what I was thinking initially, because that just means that you have a product that you sell. And then you have you can be shadows, which is just thieves. You're like you're a crew of thieves. You steal stuff for people. There's also smugglers. I like that. But smugglers is more about like having a vehicle and smuggling stuff from place to place.

I have the only vehicle the good Lord intended me to have my butthole. Yeah. So that's sort of where we're at right now. And that will be hopefully coming out sometime this September. And we'll learn more as you learn more. Well, thanks, everyone, for donating. Thank you so much, everybody, for your incredible support. And we'll talk to you soon. Gather round, friends. Let me tell you a tale of three heroes, noble and bold. A brute. A hero. A druid. And a thief who is but nine years old.

You know them by name. You know them by deed. Their quests are famously daring. So here I sit singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing. Tuck is the brute. He knows not his home. He loves to sing and fight. Fingers half-elf. He shifts his shape and wields a spear with great pride. Billy's a thief. His tiny size does mask the largest heart. Best and brightest. They may not be. But their friendship outweighs their smarts. So gather round, friends. And listen close.

For the tale's about to start. Welcome back, everybody. My name is Sean O'Hara. I am your game master for Spout Lore, a podcast that you're listening to. With me, as always, playing Ving the Druid. Paul Oppers. Do you want to try that again? No, I don't. Okay. That was exactly. The tone I wanted to strike with the intro. This is a podcast. And with me, as always, on Spout Lore, a podcast, colon, for people. Here is Paul Oppers playing Ving the Druid.

Jessica Tai playing Fat Blade the Halfling Thief. And Tacoma Dome played by Abdulaziz. I have literally no support or respect within the ecosystem of the podcast. And yet I leave it still. It smells like mothballs, Abdul. Sorry. I was eating mothballs earlier. When last we left our heroes, they had succeeded in making romance blossom between Gregom the fish smoker and Brenda, owner of Vegetable Town plus Cheeses in the town of Little Sir. And I mean, that was the focus of the whole episode.

Several episodes before it. I know, right? It was creating a situation in which these two middle-aged folks ended up banging in a canoe in the ocean. Stakes had never been higher. Yeah. Beautiful. But in doing so, you had inexplicably completed a quest handed down to you by mayor of Little Sir. Little Sir, a cat in a bowler hat. Because of that, the mayor has told Ving that you're allowed to take as much smoked fish as you want. Sick. Yeah, that was his deal.

He's like, you can have as much fish as you want. We're good. We're stacked. And he'll sit on your lap if you want. You can scratch him. Yes. You can have all the fish. All the cat cuddles you want. So, did you do that? Yeah, we took all the fish we wanted and pet that mayor. Yeah. Gregom wasn't even there to stop you because he was out in a canoe. That's right. Canoodling. Ah! Oh! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. All those terrible. Brynn, Jessica did a pussy eating thing. I'm sorry.

You had to canoodle your tongue. Ah! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Wonderful. We all did it. We all did it together as a family. Okay. Well, then I think that we maybe jump ahead a couple days. Mm-hmm. You continue along the coast of the Sea of Graves, and it's a lot of coastal trails. You spend a lot of time on the edge of the land and the beach. Francis is plodding along for a couple days. Can we see the storms? In the pillars? I mean, yeah. Storms in the pillars?

Is that how we think it works? That's how I imagined it. That once you get to the edge of the pillars, there's just storms inside? Well, let me know what you guys think. What I was thinking is kind of like calm on the beach. We said there was this hot wind blowing from the ocean onto the beach. Yeah. I imagined the same thing, like the clouds swirling around the pillars, and then the waves, you can see them splash against the pillars. Oh, yeah. Like going up hundreds of feet. I guess so. Yeah.

And then really deep in, where it's even in the daytime, it's dark inside. Yeah. And you can see lightning. Yeah. Have you ever seen those pictures of volcanoes? It's pretty cool. Oh, yeah. Right? Oh, yeah. What did you think I was going to say? Those inspirational posters where it's like, together, everyone achieves more, and there's a big wave against a lighthouse for some reason. The lightning storm happening. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And there's one morning you wake up, and it's just fog.

Like, there's just a fog bank right behind the edge of the pillars, and only at the edge of the pillars. Wow. So it looks like a cube? Kind of. Whoa. Like, it's just a wall of fog. And then a few hours later, it's gone. Like, there's a lot of very strange, inclement weather that only seems to affect the area within the pillars. Whoa. Yeah. Do we ever see anything in there as we're walking?

I mean, you see the fog, you might see what you think to be a shape far off in the pillars if you're looking. Ving's been doing dips. Oh, he's been dipping. Communing dips. Okay. Yeah. What has Ving been hoping to achieve with the dips? The Thunderbird seeking dips. Right. Okay. Okay. So is this a communion of whispers? Yes. Like, are you trying to… Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Yeah.

He's been doing it like, you know, as they plot along. How long do we think it is to Crystal Bay? Three, four days? Yeah. Cool. Okay. So we'll give you one, like, roll for that whole period of time. Okay. Yeah. So give me that. So communion of whispers. When you spend time in a place making note of its resident spirits and calling on the spirits of the land, roll plus wisdom. So 2d6 plus your wisdom modifier. All right. Eight. Eight. Okay.

On a seven to nine, you are granted a vision, but the vision. Is unclear. It's meaning murky. So you're, you're trying to get a vision of the. Yeah. He's trying to track down a Thunderbird because he had that one vision that was very, uh, exhilarating. Lifted him out of his depression and it showed him that maybe there is a Thunderbird that gave him hope to someday see one, let alone meet the king or head of the Thunderbirds. Lord of the Thunderbirds. Cool. Clap of the Thunderbirds. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.! Is that what they're called? That's a collection of them. It's a disease that some of them get. Clap. Every once in a while they get thunderclap. Yeah. It's terrible. What do we do? Ving was hoping, possibly, maybe thinking that at some point the Thunderbird, if not a Thunderbird, would become his spirit animal. I thought those rats were your spirit animal. Why am I smoking all this fish? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So Ving goes down to the beach. It's nighttime. You've all gone to sleep. And it's sort of like, I'll go take watch. I'll make sure that nothing weird happens. And here's what I kind of imagine you doing for communing purposes is you go down, you breathe deep in the water, and then you hold your breath, and you sit, kneeling on the beach in the surf with the water brushing against your waist.

You're sitting in the water with the water in your lungs. You're breathing and using it to commune and connect with the spirits of the water. And you're granted a vision of moving through the clouds, moving through the pillars. Great wing beats, but not as powerful as the wing beats that you saw in the previous vision. Sounds like the clap. It's new. It's unsure. It's trying really hard, but learning. As you're watching through these eyes, the clouds break.

You pass a couple pillars and the clouds break, and you just see the coastline stretching out before you. You see waves on waves. You hear a call. You feel a pull towards a certain point on the beach. You move towards that spot. League after league of water rushing past underneath you. You see a figure at the water's edge, and you know that that's the figure that's calling to you. You fly forward and you flap unsurely, but you alight in the water.

Being a Thunderbird, which are very large, you're standing on the water's edge in front of this figure. You fly forward and you flap unsurely, but you alight in the water. You fly forward and you flap unsurely, but you alight in the water.

You're kneeled on the coast and there's like a connection you're like this is the one this is the one and ving opens his eyes and lets the water like rush out of his gills and standing before you is an adolescent thunderbird wow it's not moving it's scared it's got that like sideways head yep like it's looking at you from the side and it's kind of dipping back and forth ving takes some of the water that's coming out of his gills and as it's sparkling with phosphorescence and then he offers it to the thunderbird and tries and just offers his hand to the thunderbird and since this is like a seven to nine not a ten uh the bird steps forward very anxiously dips down its massive head like nips a little bit of water out of your hand but it feels like your palm touch its beak and it lets out a squawk and it opens its wings and it's it flies away throw the water on it I throw the water on oh you're trying to do an eye of the tiger I have the tag okay you're gonna have to give me a roll to make this work so this isn't do not for eye of the tiger you're gonna this is gonna have to be a defy danger yeah so 2d6 plus dexterity oh yeah oh yeah 10 oh yeah uh so the the phosphorescent water of the sea of graves splashes like on its tail feathers and it it takes to the air and flies and quick as a wink it just makes up the space between the coast and the pillars and it dives into the clouds and it's gone and quick as a wink I can see from his eyes what did the thunderbird look like uh it looked kind of like a mixture between like an eagle and a crow uh and its feathers are like the color of rain clouds wow purpley green black yeah it's like got a long like black beak and long sharp talons it's also kind of fluffy because it's an adolescent so it's young so it's still got like down in some spots but it's huge like that how huge as an adolescent it was probably maybe 12 feet tall oh like thunderbirds get at like because you look at it and knowing animals you're like that is a young bird like maybe just outside of a fledgling so adult thunderbirds must be fucking huge can they have white on them yeah I imagine their heads being like kind of white but like street like the lawn or gold yeah I imagined a gemstone in the middle of their heads who knows it's an adolescent maybe it's gemstone hasn't come in yet oh they carve runes with their beaks that's yeah they're like woodpeckers but they have an instinctive understanding of the runes they carve it into the pillars of the sea of graves old ones get them carved into their beaks and stuff here's the thing ving is that happens and it's gone through the clouds and the wall of clouds like that and it's like a little bit of a wall of clouds and it's like a wall of clouds like that and it's like a little bit of a wall of clouds like that and it's like a like settles again yeah and you open your eyes again and you think did that happen did I actually meet this bird did I mark this bird or was this part of the vision that the sea granted me cool and that's how you pass the rest of the night wondering what happened to me and as you're as you're sitting there wondering is this was that true was that real uh lightning cracks inside inside the wall of clouds and you see a shadow flitting off into the pillars and then in the background you hear a sound of a bird and you're like oh my god I'm so scared and then in the background you hear a sound of a bird and you're like oh my god I'm so scared is it pharrell I guess mirrors is so awake we need to find some wd-40 route like yeah we we used the last of billy's lard he really went through it mirrors I don't have a lot of this left you gotta slow down buddy uh okay yeah so trying we're going through so many issues of mud affairs they're just getting obliterated by a metal hand just torn apart and nobody has anything else that they're trying to achieve on the road is there a traveler's shrine next to the yes yeah yep you it's another little box with the compass rose carved on it and coins and various sundry bits stacked up on there uh are there guitar strings no okay well I leave my guitar strings cool they're all ripped maybe somebody needs them maybe somebody needs some kind of wire yeah like a little garrotte for tiny little assassin for a little baby assassin yeah a baby that is an assassin is there anything good that I could take there's coins what kind of coins you see a couple of coins from a call some of the silver coins that you think are from the frozen north you see some coins that might be like elf currency there's a single obsidian coin underneath some other coins like it's kind of buried you're looking around you're like I wonder if it is that and you wipe some coins away and yeah it's an obsidian coin with an eye on it yeah I'll take that one okay so now you've got two you put it next to your other one yeah in the in the amulet yeah a lot of room in that amulet yeah I got those two coins I got picture of horse picture a woman and picture of shathane's wife's face and it's getting pretty full it's getting pretty full it's hard to close it's got an elastic band around it so it doesn't pop open um yeah and you've started passing a lot more people like there's other carts and there's people walking hey what's your name I don't know timbo how's it going hey timbo hey what's your name thing my name is ving nice you got a real elfie look about you well gotta go okay bye and that's how timbo passes his time just telling people what species they look like race he thinks they are is timbo an old man does he work in an airport yeah part of the tsa the timbo species association yeah it's a little club I started um I identify different species elf halfling when he looks at tuck he's like other who who else do we see on the road you see like a line of carts one is very uh elaborate looking I go to them okay they're like moving like everybody's moving well I just step in front and they kind of go hey get out of the move it and they kind of turn around wait wait where are you guys going we're going to crystal bay we're going to crystal bay like everybody where are you going also crystal bay okay do you have a cart who are your parents they're over there yeah what are you guys doing uh I am trying back flips again and what's ving doing uh he's riding francis yeah he's holding on to the firm riding it like look at me and perel is sitting on the cart with his head in his hands yeah and mirrors is in the back like just like I don't know what's going on with him he's like I don't know what's going on with me and perel is just throwing a potato up and down in the air and the person on the cart is like maybe go get get back to your family then oh can we get a ride you have a cart but yours is so nice okay fine hop up and they reach a hand down thank you and then they pull you up next to them on like the driver's board wow it's so plush is this velvet it is velvet don't run your hands on it you're gonna ruin it okay what uh what's what's your name my name's fat billy what's your name uh fuck me uh hold no no no hold on hold on I got one john turr jaunter jaunter jaunter I'm jaunter nice to meet you john it nope first name jaunter oh all right I'm I'm jaunter and this is the dawson creek theater society whoa what yeah oh my god yeah you might have you maybe you've heard of us maybe not but uh you know we're just on our way to crystal bay to uh you know ply our trade here the coronet is going on out there so we're trying to trying to hook up with that scene whoa what play are you guys doing uh we've got a play about a um a troubled young man who lives in a small town the show is named his his name's dawson and uh yeah it's just kind of his trials and tribulations with his like relationship and stuff I've been working on it for a couple years now I look behind me where's tuck and ving they're behind you I'm picking up rocks and I'm trying I'm like talking to ving I'm like I I'm gonna try and get this as far as I can into the ocean oh do you want to put away to this put some money on it yeah put money on it sure uh you have to give me your helping of dinner tonight okay uh how far I think I can get it in the ocean how far are we away from the ocean about 50 meters away yeah because you're like on a trail you could do that no problem 150 feet it is 150 feet yeah uh yeah I could do that so you're defying danger strength 2d6 plus your strength modifier wow I'm gonna elementary math mastery the rock when I got six already so he got six but I'm still going to allow you to elemental yep eight plus ten so I want the rock to come back at his balls as fast as he can uh so you get to choose you're choosing two for elemental mastery yeah effect comes to pass you don't have to do that you don't have to do that you don't have to do that you don't pay nature's price or you retain control I don't want to retain control hell yeah so what I'm imagining is that it does he throws it and it hits the sand it doesn't get to the water and then like the sand like it bows down like it pushes the sand in front of it and then it becomes sort of like a high lie scoop and just whips it right back and it hits tuck full on in the nuts uh and then the sand like starts picking up all over the beach and is just whipping rocks at all the time the travelers that can see so tuck gets hit in the nuts and goes oh no I go down pretty fast and then he gets hit again like wham in the nuts no just another rock okay that's fine billy take cover I fucked up again but look at this do I roll for damage uh I mean yeah you want to what's the damage day d8 you're holding a d8 my man five five damage and then francis gets nailed by like a smaller rock and goes like and starts trying to trot away and then he's like oh my god I'm gonna and he's like oh my god I'm gonna go away and pearl's like what did you do and he dives into the back of the cart and mirrors is like what's happening clang smack smack smack smack and the jaunter looks back and a rock like whizzes through the cloth covering of his cart and he's like oh no no no no no he's got four horses and he whips the whole thing and he goes go and all the carts oh shit I don't know who you are I have to get off this thing does billy jump off yeah okay defy danger dexterity four uh you hit the ground and then a rock sails over and just nails you right in the back and yeah the cart tears off behind you and there's like they were with it was that cart and then like three other carts and they are all just making a mad dash as these rocks sail through the air uh what are you guys doing oh I'm laughing so hard uh tuck is on the ground I'm still on the ground okay billy is like dodging rocks basically I'm doing a good job yeah doing a great job um well you're laying on the ground and they're not quite reaching you I'm doing a great job francis is like moving now like he's picking up speed with his stubby little legs uh you're about to get hit by a rock tubing so what do you do I uh use my spear and wield it with great might uh windmill spear 2d6 plus strength I guess to like smash it away nine nine like a foul ball yeah ricochets and hits tuck in the nuts yeah you not you like it comes at you and you're like oh my god I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry no give me a d4 because it was deflected so it's not coming as fast as it was seven I said d4 do you want to take seven damage two okay yeah so you get nailed right again uh but it's it hurts a lot but not so much you fall over again oh I I'm like do I take any damage for laughing so hard now You're a little distracted for sure.

But you have Billy in hand and Tuck, are you getting up or what? Yeah, I'm limping. Okay. And that area of the beach that the spirits had been like, this is pretty fun. You finally get away from and they're trying, but the rocks can't get far enough at a certain point. So I guess I owe you my dinner. You can have it. That was worth it. You're going to need some food. And the rest of the day passes. Thankfully, uneventfully, no more pieces of the beach attempt to destroy Tuck's genitals.

And you… Except for all the sand that's like trapped in there. It's like rubbing. Grinding in like crevices. Yeah. Keep dusting it out, but there's like more. I think I put more in when I dusted out. Yeah, it's all the moisture is trapping it. You just travel throughout the day. The sun starts to set. It's very beautiful. For some reason, the sun sets here just nicer. It seems like the clouds are more colorful right now. It's just at the edge of the clouds in the fog bank.

It's glinting off the pillars in a nice way. And you realize that in certain parts of the water, now that you're closer to Crystal Bay, you see large crystals poking out of the water in certain places. And the sun's glinting off those creating this very nice shimmering effect. And there are a ton of people here and everybody seems to be coming for something. As the sun starts to go down, just it's not full night, but you can see the coronet arcing through the sky.

The coronet, as we've described before, I think is a shattered moon that arrives in the area of the solar system infrequently, but has recently come back. So it's just this like beautiful, shining, shattered moon, the sun setting the light glinting off the crystals. And the town of Crystal Bay is before you.

There's like clusters of buildings and homes further off on the edge of the, this really beautifully lit bay lit from above by the sun and the moon and below by crystals that push out of the waves. What are the houses like? What style are the houses? I think Jessica said they were like cabins, like log ish. Cool. With crystals. Yeah. With crystals integrated into the construction. And so much glass from the crystals. Yeah. Colored. Lots of colored glass as well. Yeah.

Like nice colorful sculptures made out of carved crystal. And it's just a very beautiful town. Do we have, do we have a reservation? Oh no. Oh no. Is it like, is it an old man? Here's you say that. And he said, well, if you don't got one, you ain't going to get one. I'll tell you that much. Who are you? Oh, me. I'm just a townsman. And he leaves. Come back. What's your name? Pete. Yeah, it's Pete. That's my name. Short for Peter burb. And I just live here.

You came to crystal Bay during the Coronetta and you didn't make a reservation. Is there like a Coronetta festival or something? You have a, the move wide wanderer. Don't you? Oh yeah. I took that. Why never used it? New you. I'm going to take your sheet for a second. Can you just play my character for me? Oh my God. So the town, this is something that you've been able to do for seasons. Yeah.

You've traveled the wild world world over when you arrive someplace, literally any place, ask the GM about any important traditions, rituals, and so on. And they'll tell you what you need to know. I would like to know if there's some kind of ritual to convince a woman to have sex with you. Uh, courting in crystal Bay. You would know that like there's a courting ritual that involves bringing a carved crystal figurine to the person that you love.

That is something that, you know, you get a crystal figurine carved for them. Hold on. And then I run down, I grab a rock. I run down to the water and you see me smashing one of the crystals. That's, uh, protruding out of the water. Oh, the ax. Okay. Yeah. I take the ax. Okay. No, hold on. I just want to make this clear. You created an ax with me. We talked about an ax that you have that magically smashes any rock. And you were like, I need to break a rock. What should I use?

How about just a rock? I found. So we're all watching this. He's smashing it with a stone. An ax, bud. Your ax. Oh, yeah. And just whack. You lop right through it. And then I'm going to use the, the commune, how to commune with like the communion one, the blood God. Yeah. For the blood God to commune with the rocks in a way where they'll tell me what the traditions of this area are. No, you just know. Cause you came through here. You've traveled.

That's why, you know, communing with Larry, Terry, and Chad is like a different thing. What is it? Let me do. Maybe we'll have it on your sheet. Maybe. Maybe they'll give you tips on how to get bone. Maybe I'll look at your sheet because apparently this is the job that I have. You're initiated in the old ways. The ways of sacrifice. That's the wrong sheet. I have the right one. I'm going to kick you off this podcast. I am Sean O'Hara. I'll be your sheet looker.

When you sacrifice those things as per your rights and rituals, the way that we've. So are, do you want to do for the blood God tips dating? This doesn't, this isn't really the situation. Fair. I would use this move for. Okay. So what if I use it? Why wanderer? What if I use for the blood God to create a sculpture? That's not what it does. What if we got past the entrance of the town? Figure out what is going on right now that we can meet human ladies. We can use a wide wanderer. So ladies.

So is that what, is that what Tuck's thinking now that he's come to town with this festival? Yeah. You know what? I'm kind of thinking. A thing has had sex so many times and I'm kind of jealous. Yeah. And it's like beach town, like party festival vibe. It's definitely something that follows a coronet around. Yeah. Oh yeah. Totally. Fuck vibes. Yeah. Oh yeah. Well, yeah, I think it's sort of a thing where like if you, if you conceive a child during the coronetta, it's like really auspicious.

Yeah. So that's another thing to know is yeah. So people in crystal Bay, have these crystal sculptures that they get made, which is sort of like an engagement ring. It's like, I want to be with you, but also everywhere in the world when the coronet is in the sky, it's like, if you conceive a baby during the coronet, that baby is going to be fucking crazy. It's going to be such a good baby. So a lot of people are trying to make babies during this time. Cool. It's a double edged sword for me.

Yeah. Don't want, don't want a baby, but want the everything pre. Yeah. That's fine. Cause they want the baby. Yeah. Cause you want to keep moving on. So Peter verb is telling thing and Billy all that, I guess. If you want to have a baby during the coronet, Oh boy, what a great baby. That's going to be my, my cousin was conceived during the coronet and he's a prince. And my other cousin was born two days after piece of shit, just a garbage person. I hate that piece of garbage.

How's your brother become or cousin become a prince, but you didn't get to also be a prince. Well, in some parts of the, of the principalities, princes in, in an elected position. Shit. Yeah. But also Billy language. Also, also something, something that should be that. I think we've talked about briefly the princes of each principality, that Royal family is like birth, but also adopted. Like the Royal family is like a mishmash of people that the queen of the time, like adopted. Wow. Yeah.

So there's actually, there's actually one Prince quote unquote that I think is two people. Like it's like twins. And this, these twins are the Prince of this, this one region. I don't know which one. Cool. All right. Um, what if I know that you said something about if we don't have reservations, we can't stay here, but like if, if what's the best option for us to sleep and like eat food. Oh, like what would be the best place to go to? Yeah. Oh yeah.

So maybe, because maybe some travelers got held up on the road. Absolutely. Tuck. And I start like fading back. Into the road. Like maybe if we just go hold somebody up, somebody for their hotel reservation. Hell yeah. Well, if you want to go to the nicest place, not that you could, cause they're all full up. You want to go to the Emerald hotel and spa. It's the nicest hotel in all of crystal Bay. Okay, cool. Thanks. Okay. All right. Thanks. Good luck finding somewhere to stay.

And, uh, so you leave and Perel's like, we have a magic tent. Yeah. But also, yeah, I think Billy and I are on the same page here. Yeah. We can set the tent up in the hotel room. Yeah. Stay for years. Yeah. Yeah. You squatters, right? Squatters, right? Squatters, right? Squatters, right? Squatters, right? Squatters, right? Squatters, right? Right. So you find yourself in the middle of town, uh, and you see the Emerald hotel and spa before you. It's beautiful. It's multiple stories.

I want to know Tuck's idea. I, oh yeah. So we're, we, here's my, my, here's your idea. And we do a classic clear water break in scenario. Yes. We'll go to the fucking Emerald lobby where we lure the concierge away. Fucking beat the shit out of them. I'll take his clothes. I'll put it on. Or one of us. Yeah. Or me. And then I'll put on his clothes and then I'll come out to the front area and I'll get someone's reservation.

And then, and then I'll, we'll just take it and then we'll go and check in with it. Wait, so why do you need to dress up as the concierge? Cause so they'll give me the reservation. Reservation is like a paper or something, right? Yeah. But so wouldn't you get it from the person with the reservation? Yeah. Instead of beating up. Give it to a concierge. The reservation is a physical object. Yeah. It's like a paper with like a seal and everything. I mean, yeah.

Tuck knows that cause he's, he's passed by crystal Bay before. Wide wanderer. Also have disguise. So I could pretend to be someone with the reservation. I was going to say. You can be like the bell boy. No. Who's the sidekick to the concierge. I'm a shape shifter. I can turn into the fanciest person in town and take their penthouse. Sweet. Totally. But you have to kidnap them first. So a second concierge. Where's that guy? Jaunter. Jaunter? Oh, where's the DeSomme Creek Theater Society? Yeah.

You don't see them in the school. Actually, you do see someone, in the same sort of like livery. Is that how you pronounce that? Yeah. Library. Library. No, it's livery. But that's also where horses live. No, a stable is where. Yeah. You fucking idiot. Yeah. So you see somebody in the livery of the, of the DeSomme Creek Theater Society in the middle of town, like at a stage. Cause they're kind of setting up the stage that they're going to be performing on. Okay. Well, why don't here give me.

Pick up. What's it? What do I have? Perel. Yeah. Give me like papers. Do you have papers? Like just paper? Yeah. Uh, yeah, I think so. And he rifles around in his satchel and he pulls out some sheets of paper. Give me these papers. And I go up to that guy. And he's just like, you know, pinning up a bunting on a, on a stick. Hey, do you know, uh, I've got a delivery of a script for just some, just some, what is his name? Who? John. Some. John. John. John. John. John. John. John. John. John. John.

Yeah. It's a script delivery for him. He's the writer. Why would he need a script delivery? I don't fucking know. You piece of shit. Don't talk down to me. Whoa. I'll fucking kill you. Whoa. Cool. It buddy. Let me see that script. Hey, no, this is for just psalms. Eyes only. Okay. You're going to have to do something to convince him. Cause he's like, you've made, he was fine. And now he's like aggressive.

Oh, yeah I'll parlay with him now hold on let me what's the plan here I'm gonna get him to tell me where they're staying yeah okay you just want to find out where they're staying yeah alright yeah I guess roll defy danger charisma like are you trying to just yell at him until he tells you what you want to know yeah I think so yeah instead of like parlaying like being like diplomatic you're just like tell me information well yeah I've tried to be diplomatic with the script delivery absolutely but then he was immediately talking down to me well you said hey where's jazam I have to give him something I don't remember his name I'm sure Billy told it to you like 15 seconds ago jaunter yeah okay if you tell me where jazam is how about this I won't fucking nail your feet to the stage just you could 10 11 oh my god he just goes like alright you know what I've got to set up the stage I'm tired of this bullshit jaunter is where everybody else in the theater society is we're staying in the carts at the edge of town oh okay yeah where else would we be I don't know okay thanks nail nail nail nail nail I go back to these guys aren't they celebrities where are they staying they're staying in fucking carts on the edge of town theater yeah that they're gonna stay at the emerald yeah we thought these boys were going to stay at the emerald poor minstrels were going to stay in the nicest hotel in town yeah they had velvet cushions and four horses it was velour they're traveling bards well let's go to the emerald yeah let's just go to the emerald we'll figure out when we get there just like always guys oh it's so nice in here it's luxurious the lobby alone the furniture is so well made everything's kind of got like a deep green color to it there's green velvet satin the wallpaper's green there's some lamps with like green kind of crystal looking shades it's very green it's so green in here so green looks like a Christmas song oh my god and the concierge is behind the desk and he's wearing a green suit and he's got a green pin on oh I didn't even see you standing there yeah you kind of just blend in with the background that is how we like it at the emerald hotel and spa welcome hi hi I'm the concierge what's your name Rebecca Rebecca my name is Rebecca yes how did you know my name is Rebecca enchambé concierge what can I do for you we would like a room please oh I'm so sorry sir we are full up also you seem to be he has a reservation you have a reservation ah well please and he holds out his hand I grab that piece of paper that Tuck was holding and I put some golden root on it oh okay may as well give it a shot give me a defy danger dexterity to see if you can do it quickly and surreptitiously a nine nine okay we aid yeah you definitely could yeah to a ten so he's got yeah he's got nine right now so how are Ving or Tuck gonna aid oh just pick me up someone pick me up yeah pick him up okay so 26 plus Bon oh yeah ten oh that's the stuff Rebecca I have the reservation here ah oh thank you young man and he takes the thing in his hand and he looks at it and goes oh this is not this is not a reservation my good boy I'm so sorry we're full up but I think that I can I think I can probably help you in what way sir we might be able to find a room we hold on to something here we're gonna go to the the room for uh for visiting uh people of importance oh and you will find we are very important people and he laughs he goes oh yes of course of course of course we'll keep this on the download just between me and my new friends you're gosh darn right we're friends okay so who who will it'll be for you three and and this gentleman he is with us as well and that gentleman over there they're both behind Tuck and then go we're here to help you out we're here to help you out we're here to help you out and this large pig we will find a space for your pig in the stables perhaps wonderful wonderful great let me and he snaps his fingers and a bellhop rolls up when like a little green vest and he's like yes and he's like please find some space for that pig in our stables goes right away sir and he rushes out and grabs Francis and Francis trots off happily bye Francis and Francis is like goodbye see you on the morrow my friend you're gonna love it I cannot wait I can only imagine the fine grasses they have for me oh man I want a full report oh but of course but you guys hear like and Rebecca's like okay come with me and he takes you up too many flights of stairs and opens you up into a very nice suite there's like two rooms each room has some beds in it there's a little there's a private bathroom which is a closet mine calls the stamps there's no erasers touch green to make it true it's fine I didn't want it anyway and Perel walks into the room like he's gonna like he's afraid it's gonna run away and he's just like oh my god and he touches the bed and his hand sinks in a little bit and he goes ew stop it it's so soft and he slowly lays down on it and is just like ha ha ha ha ha You'll be alright.

Why are you reacting like this? Do you not like the room? And he looks at you, Billy, and he's got tears in his eyes and he's like, I love it. He like, falls asleep. Like, he's just asleep. And Rebecca's like, I take it that everything is to your liking? Yes! Wonderful. Then I will allow you to settle in. I'm going to give him a piece of gold. Thank you very much. Give him a piece of gold. Thank you so much. And he tucks it into his pocket. Welcome to the Emerald. We hope you enjoy your stay.

If you need new towels, just throw the old towels into the hallway. And please feel free to enjoy some of the amenities. We have a spa. We have a miniature tetherball court. Oh, cool. And we have the Ruby restaurant downstairs. The restaurant and bar. And you know what? And he hands you a little chit. And he's like, your first meal is on me. Thank you for staying. Thank you, Rebecca. You're quite welcome. Let me know if you need anything at all. And he backs out through the door and closes it.

Sorry for that accent. I just thought it would work better. It did. Yeah, it worked great. And now you have a room at the Emerald. Woo! What does it look like? Tell me. Like, I'm going to go discern the realities. Yeah, it's a really nice room. The beds are really soft. Perel seems to have claimed one of them. There is a private bathroom. Everything's really green. There's some nice gas lamps in here. There's actually an electric light, too. Like, you flip a switch and the light comes on.

You're like, what the fuck is this? There's another room that's connected that has two beds. I'm going to go claim my bed. I grab a pillow off the bed and I jump on the floor. This is mine. Sweet. Yeah. So what's your plan now? We're not really good at being relaxed. I feel like we're going to find ourselves. That was another mission, but we'll try to relax. So do you go down to, like, check the facility out? I would love to check out that spa. Yeah. Oh, let's go to the spa. Let's go to the spa.

Okay, yeah. The spa is, you know, it's got pools, like, saltwater soaking pools where you soak in the waters of Crystal Bay. And they're heated a little bit, but it's just, like, it's very mineral rich in the bay. So people from all around love, like, soaking in the water here. There's different kind of skin treatments. There's, like, a lot of different things. There's, like, a lot of different things. There's massage. There's pinball machines. There's a pinball machine.

There's, like, a mud hut. Yep, there's a mud hut. What happens in the mud hut? Nobody knows. There's steam coming out of it. And only one person a day is allowed in there. Whoa, cool. And they do ayahuasca. And there's also… There's a gel pit. Whoa. You can just go swim in the gel. You can float in the gel. Cool. And hang out in it. That's amazing. Yeah, what are you guys doing at the spa? I'm going to get a massage and talk about myself to the masseuse. Nice.

I think I'm just going to hang out in the hot pools. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like the heated saltwater. Yeah. Cool. Is it clothing optional? It's always… That's what I say, and then I take my pants off before anyone says anything. And thankfully, there are… It is clothing optional. Cool. It's everybody in here is nude. Oh, cool. Yeah. And I'm just like, oh, I think I must have been stung by a porn scorpion. And nobody's making a… They're just like, we get it. It's a nude pool, whatever.

What's Billy doing? Billy is going to get a facial. Nice. Just get some sort of skin treatment, like get a bunch of mud slathered on there. Yeah, he thought it was like… Because they're all different colors, so he thought it was like a pudding kind of place. Yeah. So he ate a bunch of them? No, he's like, he's lying up thinking it's a pudding thing. Then they put you in a chair and put some mud on your face? Yeah, I'm like, well, this must happen before the pudding.

Billy's just laying there getting pampered. Yeah. What's your name, I say, through the cucumbers? My name's Trimian. What's your name? My name's Fat Billy. Do you have more dry skin, more oily skin, like a combination? I can't tell through all the mud. Okay, well, let me… And she like rubs some mud off your face. Like some dirt off your face. And she's like, oily. So we'll go with a nice oily skin treatment. This is going to really clean you up. It'll open your pores a lot. Oh, my God.

Is that safe? It's absolutely normal. Don't worry. Pores open and close naturally. So… Yeah, you'll be fine. Okay? And she starts just doing this really… And it feels really nice. Wow. Yeah, you feel your skin is being like soothed. You're so good as Trimbley. Trimian. But thank you so much. Thank you so much. I did go to school for this. Wow. Yeah. Crystal Bay has a large aesthetic school that is…

Most of the people that work in the spa here graduated from the Crystal Bay School of Aesthetics. What's school like? It sounds fun. Oh, you know, it's expensive. Oh. Yeah, but you meet a lot of people. You make a lot of good connections. Wow. And every once in a while, someone's taken away to the caves and we never see them again. Oh, what? That's just part of the game. Anyways, close your eyes. Don't try and speak too much. Okay. Put some stuff on your face. And Ving is getting massaged.

And then I think my dad killed her. Wow. That sounds tough. There's just a guy named, like, Doug. It's just Doug. And he's really going nuts on your shoulders. Yeah. Big, strong hands. Big, burly guy. Bit of a gut on him. Yeah. That sounds tough, man. So what are you going to do about that? I don't know. I don't know. What do you think? What's your relationship like with your dad? It's okay. But I know that if he killed my mom, I'd probably try and kill him. You know what it is?

I just want to let it go. You know? Like, all these… Knots in my back. Yeah. You got a lot of tension in here. Also, I don't massage a lot of half elves. The hell is that supposed to mean? I just mean, like… I'm just trying to make sure that all these bones are supposed to be here. You know what I mean? Like, I'm feeling some weird stuff. Do you want me to work on these gills? No. You can leave the gills alone. Oh, thank God. Thank you. Thank you for saying that. Just below the gills.

Just below the gills. Okay. The neck's pretty tight. Yeah. Well, you know, if you want to forget all about your worries, I'd head down to the Ruby. They got a drink that'll put you right under. You won't remember anything, you know, until you want to. Oh, I've been trying to abstain, but that sounds nice. I am on vacation. You write any excuse, I'll do it. Thank you. No problem. Cool. Thanks, man. And Tuck is in the news. I started a chicken fight competition. Oh, and people are into it. Yeah.

The whole pool's going crazy. So, Tuck has who on his shoulders? It's a pretty big guy named Ron. Mm-hmm. And he's also nude. Everybody's nude. Yeah. It's not weird. Everybody's just nude. No, it's just his ding-a-ling is really pushing into the back of my head. It's actually laying, like, on your shoulder. It's a rat tail. You can feel it. That's just how it is. Yeah. And who are you competing against? Two women. Mm-hmm. One named Jade. Mm-hmm. And the other one named Jane. Yeah.

So, Jade the Orc from McCall. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So, Jane, her sister, the human from McCall. Sister? Huge. Adopted. Oh, okay. There we go. She was adopted into an Orc family. Cool. I guess that's why she's so big. Because she just worked out a lot as a kid? Raised on Orc milk. Yeah. Yeah. She was breastfed by an Orc, which just made her huge. Yeah. That's cool. I like that. That's so cool. Yeah. So, that's what's going on. Yeah.

So, you're going to have to give me a Defy Danger Strength. And the way Chicken Fight works in this world is the people on the bottom are fucking slugging it out hard. Nice. And the people on the top are wrestling? Yeah. So, it's like a regular Chicken Fight, but the people on the bottom are allowed to hit the people on the bottom? The people on the top are, yeah, they're kind of like pushing each other.

And the people on the bottom, when they get close enough, they like are fucking just nailing each other. All right. Cool. So, I guess the Orc is on the bottom. Yeah. The Orc and then the humans on the top. Yeah. Wrestling Ron. Okay. 2d6 plus strength. Whoa. Fuck. Two sixes. 15. So, 12. 14. 14. Jesus Christ. I think it's like through the water, you're like moving really slow, but like inexorably. And then the two top hit, it just goes like boom. Like you both lock in place.

It's a really intense thing. Yeah. Everybody's like quiet. Yeah. Because they're like, this is the lead up. But the band is playing like that Star Wars fight music. That's Star Trek. Yeah. That's what I meant. Yeah. I thought you meant Duel of the Fates. It could be that too. Yeah. And you and Jade are like boxing at the bottom. Like, it's just like, she hits you really hard in the face and you're like, okay, we're fucking playing now. I'm bleeding. You're bleeding out of your mouth.

It's running into your beard. Into the pool. Yeah. And she gives you a couple of good ones.

You give her a couple good ones and um then you see she like leans forward just as ron like yanks so uh she gets pulled just a little bit off step and you just crack her right in the jaw and she starts going down and jane's like no no no like on top and then ron is just like he just pushes them both down and ron is like screaming something at his kids in his mind because he's like this he's like a middle-aged guy he got sent here because he got the best sales in his company exactly that's what he told me before we started yeah and I was like I don't know that I want you for a partner and chicken fight and he's like no I have a lot to prove you think just because terry's your stepdad he's your real dad I don't think so he just he screams as he pushes uh jade and jane down I'm your dad dad dad!

And uh then he he throws both his fists in the air and goes I'm your dad and the crowd's like yeah yeah and the crowd starts chanting dad dad dad dad and and uh ron's like crying with his fists in the air and it cuts to you guys on the edge of the pool all shaking hands like and jade's like wow that was a really great fight thank you so much we both have two black eyes yeah jane's like missing like you chipped part of her tusk like you snapped part of her tusk up like wow that was fucked up I hadn't had a fight that good since I came over from a call thank you so much yeah it's good to meet people from uh home it is so nice can I get a hug yeah yeah and her and jane give you a hug and they're like call forever yeah yeah what's the thing that people from a call say to each other uh don't let the world serpent get you so on the nose for a second yeah don't get eaten by a big snake you know what I'm saying yeah I'm not gonna let you get eaten by a big snake you know what I'm saying I mean how about like uh step clear because that's like used to be like step clear of the world serpent step quick yeah step quick yeah yeah and they give you that like roman like grip your forearms and they're both like step quick yeah step quick yeah and then they go off and do their own thing and billy you've come out you've got mud all over your face you're wearing like a face mask and you see tuck and a bunch of nude people just kind of hanging out oh I put my cucumbers back on my eyes they wouldn't want me to see you see this and you see billy on the side of the thing with cucumbers over his eyes and mud on his face just kind of wandering around with his hands up yeah touch a lot of calves and butts oh sorry like no I tell you it's fine it's mostly top leg with yeah yeah nice and ving you come out of the out of the restaurant with a couple of the ruby drop shops oh yeah yeah you guys gotta try one of these are you drunk the guy my favorite buddy guy with the soft big hands told me about the sips and I got two too many and guys we can have them yeah no I will I walk up everybody have them okay his eyes are going in different circles like it's a lot it's too much so does tuck just take both of them I dump one oh yeah no philly we'll get you oat milk we'll get you real I leave oh billy walks away yeah billy do you not want real milk no okay where does billy go the pool oh he's just right here he just gets in the pool yeah billy's being difficult but once you're swimming around you're like this woman's pretty fun yeah and I wash the mud off yeah it's a nice time just two cucumbers float away from me yeah yeah can't believe they didn't give me any puddings oh food that's a great idea guys we need to go for dinner oh I come back so yeah where are you guys planning on going for dinner the ruby sucks the food sucks the drinks are amazing the food was gross hey trim blow yeah what can I do for you uh where would you suggest we get dinner you don't want to go to the ruby no it's a tourist trap where do the locals eat tourist trap there we go that's what I was waiting for you guys are cool right you want to go check if you want to go check out a nice local place uh it's it's called the beached whale it's down by the water it's kind of a place where you can go and eat a ton of şu şu şu şu şu şu just a little bit out of the square, you'll know it when you see it.

Sounds delicious. That's where I'd go. Cool. Thank you. Have a good day. Bye. Yeah, so if you guys are heading to the beach whale, cool. So you walk through town and stuff's starting to pick up. It's getting pretty wild in the square. The coronet is right above. It's night. It's night. Almost. So interesting question because you realize, Ving, you probably realize it a bit more because you're sort of more in tune with the natural cycles. The sun should have gone down by now.

It's refracting all the crystals. That's what you think. Yeah. But it's kind of weird that it's not fully night yet. Weird. Yeah. So you head through town and it looks like the DeSomme Creek players have set up their stage. They're not performing yet, but they're getting ready and people are just dancing and there's live music and there's a juggler. There's a guy that's just throwing hedgehogs in the air. Everybody's having a wild time.

But you pass through that and you go and you find, down by the water, there's a place that is pretty nicely made but looks kind of old and you realize that the building is built inside the ribcage of a whale. So cool. Whoa. The ribcage is integrated into the construction of the building. It doesn't look like a whale or anything like that, but you're like, those are fucking bones. This place is just made of bones. Cool. With wood and plaster in between. It stinks in here, but this is cool. Yeah.

And the sign above is like, it looks like a whale stretched out. It's just a wooden cutout of a whale. Yeah. Yeah, you go in and it's a pretty quiet place. There's some regulars, it looks like, but just like a good, looks like everybody's having really nice food. Nice. And there's like a bar and there's some people drinking and chatting. There's some ladies, Tuck. Okay. They look like they're on the prowl. Ooh. Ooh. Hey, look over there. That's what Billy's doing. Yeah. What's Billy looking at?

There's a roast that's being carved. Yeah. Hey, Tuck, look over there. Yeah. Just beyond the ladies. Yeah. It's like, oh yeah, and Billy's like, yum, yum, roast. Yeah. Yeah. And they do, gravy too. Yeah. My favorite food. There's somebody playing a mandolin in the corner, so there's nice music. Tuck, do you want to go talk to those ladies? Oh, you know what? I'm going to just hang out over here for a while. Yeah. Mm-hmm. That's cool. And then I'll go over there later. Sure. Whatever, man.

Either or. I will. I'll do it. Just I'll do it later. Yeah, for sure. Because we're going to have dinner first. Yeah, we didn't even order food yet. Yeah. True. True. So yeah, the waiter, uh, a server, a server comes over and is like, what can I get you? I will have a bowl of gravy. Uh, and do you have any potatoes? Some mashed potatoes? Uh, certainly. Okay. I'll have a bowl of that too. And, uh, a bit of roast. And do you have any beet tops? Uh, just like the top of a beet?

Yeah, and the bottom too, I guess. Do we have beets? Yeah, but the whole thing. Okay, yeah. We can get you some beets. Okay. Roasted? Or just beets? Doesn't matter. Okay. Beets it is. And for you two? Uh, can I get that roast? I'll have the sunflower cheese platter. All right. Can do. So that's gonna be, um, including tax. Just a coin. Coin for everybody. There you go, my good sir.

And he, uh, heads off and a few, like a little bit later, 15, 20 minutes later, he gets some food and, uh, he comes over with the tray and he has like a mug and he puts the mug down in front of Tuck and he says compliments and he points, uh, up at the bar where there's like a, uh, um, sort of a middle-aged lady leaning against the bar and she winks at you. Okay. Well, then I am gonna go over there. Yeah, you can do it, man. You got it. Yeah, I can. Look at you, so handsome, so tall.

Yeah, thanks. And then I stand up and I, my head hits the chandelier and it goes clang, clang, clang, clang. And then I start walking over. Yeah, she's just there. She's like, hi. Hi. How are you? I'm good. My name's Tuck. My name's Dina. Dina. Dina. Did you enjoy your drink? I haven't had it yet. Oh, well. I go, I take a bunch of it. A lot of it slops down my face. A man with no inhibitions. Yeah. I like that. Thanks. A lot of people see it as a character flaw. Well, not me. Not me.

Okay, that's great. So, I'm getting really intimidated by how into me she is. Yeah, yeah. So, she's just like, okay, well, you know, what are you, what are you doing? I'm talking to you. I mean later. Oh, I, I don't know. Do you want to fuck? No. Normally, I wouldn't allow someone to be so forward. And now she's starting to get nervous a little bit. She's like, oh boy. I think that my anxiety, my anxiety is bleeding into her. Yeah, she's like, oh, um, hmm.

Uh, you know, she's looking at you like you're like huge, but she's realizing you're basically a child. Yeah, she's like, oh, um, you know what? I'm so sorry. I hope you enjoy the drink. You seem like a nice guy. Thanks. I am. I'm gonna, maybe I'm gonna, I might head out. Okay. Uh, she's like leaving. You're hot. Okay. Oh, thank you. Yeah. But, uh, maybe, maybe not. I like your bits. Okay. Well, that's, she winks a little bit, but she's like, oh, you're so young. Are you? How old are you?

I'm 27. Oh boy. Yeah. Okay. How old are you? 46. That seems normal. It's normal, but I just have a son your age. I'm realizing. Okay. Yeah. I think I'm gonna, I'm gonna go. What's your son's name? We're not gonna get into this. Goodbye. Tell me about him. Is he cool? And then she just like walks out. Does he want to hang out? And I yell after. I was like, do you want me to hang out with your son? And she leaves.

And so as she walks out, you hear like from behind you, like behind where you were standing while, while Dina was talking to you. She's like, wow, smooth. So smooth. I turn around. You always were very smooth. Whoa. Who's this? And you look into the face of Alison. Whoa. Whoa. We all got goosebumps. We all got goosebumps. We all got goosebumps. We all got goosebumps. And that's where we're going to end it for this week. My name is Sean O'Hara.

I've been your game master with me as always playing Tacoma Dome, the barbarian Abdul Aziz. Bye. Bye. Bye. Playing Fabulously the Halfling Thief, Jessica Tai. Bye everyone. And playing Ving the Druid, Paul Hoppers. Cheerios. Thanks so much to Abdul for all the editing, Wes for all the technical work, Aaron Reed for all the music, all our amazing Patreons and supporters for all their amazing, amazing Patreons of sport. And thanks to you for listening. We'll see you next time. Bye.

And so ends the tale of adventures three Who tried the best they can Though dumb and scared and lost they be For time's abreast in revelry And though our journey may be like a conclusion We will not leave you without a resolution Return next week to hear some more Whilst you commute or do your chores And for you I'd gladly spout no

Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers have health, he shifts his shape and wields a spear with great might Peely's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends and listen close For the tale's about to start Welcome back to Spout Lore everybody, I'm your Game Master Sean O'Hara with the game of Spout Lore.

With me as always playing Ving, the half-elf druid Paul Oppers Hello Fat Billy the halfling thief played by Jessica Tai Hello And Tacoma Dome the barbarian played by Abdul Aziz Hello When last we left our heroes, they found themselves in the surf town of Little Sur attempting to make two weird people fall in love They took a quest from the town's mayor, Little Sur, a tiny cat with a bowler hat Ving ended up talking to him and it turns out that he's been waging some sort of battle against rats in the town It does not appear to have been like a huge problem for the rest of the town Just the cats Just the cat Yeah, makes sense So in doing so they found out that the fish stocks were being sabotaged by Brenda, owner of Vegetable Town plus Cheezus Plus Cheezus, yeah Because she was in love with the town's fish smoker, Gregom It's crazy how like we like broke like an all-powerful being out of a wizard jail And then the stakes just keep getting higher It's crazy Yeah, well I mean like I will do anything for smoked fish Well it's like, think about it, like if you found, if Jesus returned Okay, if, who's in the sky?

Here, he's If Jesus returned Sean's Catholic Sean means when everybody, don't worry When Jesus returns When Jesus returned and you guys were the only three people that knew about it And you knew that people would lose their minds Would you be like, we should tell everyone right now Yeah, we'd start an Instagram page and we'd try and sell culottes Jesus branded culottes, Christ, Christ-a-lots What are those? Yeah, what's a culotte?

They're pants Yeah, they're like pants that Oh, the wide things Yeah, I hate them They're like capris, wide, big wide capris, yeah? Oh, big wide capris Why don't they just wear a dress or like a kilt or something? Yeah, or like how Jesus would wear them?

Yeah, or like how Jesus did it Yeah Culottes Culottes Yeah, so that's where we are now The last thing that happened is you came back, Perel made a love potion He describes sort of how love potions work where it's like, it's not like you make somebody fall in love with somebody It's you remove the obstacles of love that already exists, blah, blah, blah That's cool He's pretty sure that he did it right That's the last thing that he said is I'm pretty sure that this will work Wow And then you put Perel in a diaper and gave him a hat Oh yeah And that's where we are now Why did we do that?

Because we didn't want people to think he was a wizard? Well, because Perel was like I can't just leave this tent in an animated robe because his robe has images that move Oh, yeah He's like that's a pretty clear indication that I am magical So to make it so that he didn't draw attention to himself, we put him in a diaper?

Now don't look at me like that That was your idea This was your fucking idea You took a blanket that you bought for Billy You bought for Billy and you decided to wrap it around Perel's dick and balls And instead of the dick and balls, now he has a blanket diaper And like a sun hat And Crocs on Yeah He always had the Crocs on Yeah So that's where we are, you're walking from like the tent to Little Sur It's getting to like evening, like the sun's starting to dip a little bit lower There's a bunch of…

Oh, those are the Crocs Are the rats falling? Yeah, he stepped in a puddle Oh, God I hate these shoes, they're so loud when they get moist Let's hurry up everybody So what was the plan again? Wasn't it like they were in a boat? Like Brenda and Gregom?

Oh, yeah Someone on a romantic boat ride Like a date The plan I think was to lure them to the boat Oh, okay Yeah And then like set up a little picnic or something And then just absolutely drown the food in this potion Does Mears have a bunch of extra food cooked? Uh, well… Mears! Yeah? Whip up something fucking romantic What? What? Why? What food do you already have ready?

Uh, I made like some egg tarts I've got some just like chopped peppers and some meats Meats and cheeses Spaghetti What about spaghetti? Spaghetti Okay, I can make spaghetti I don't have it on hand That's the most romantic food Yeah Yeah What about some oysters? Oh, we could steal some smoked oysters Oh, that's a good idea Oh, okay So Billy's gonna go to the smokehouse and steal some oysters?

Yeah Okay, perfect Then Mears is like, okay, give me like 40 minutes, I need to make spaghetti What, from scratch? It takes like 10 minutes to boil the pasta He's like, okay, just give me some time Okay, okay And he runs back to the tent Thank you You're welcome Okay, and then Tuck and Bing are gonna what? I think we should probably go get that canoe from the general store Oh, right Because the whole date's gonna be in a canoe, right?

Uh-huh Because we know that Gregom likes fishing And Brenda will do fucking anything She's a psycho All right, so we will start with Billy Uh, yeah So Billy's gonna run off to the smokehouse? Do we do a thing where we're like, all right, we all know what we're doing?

Break Yeah And then we all run And then there's different like frame and frame things like Ocean's Eleven, like Billy scurrying off to the smokehouse We all go in different directions and then Bing remembers that he's going with Tuck and then he circles around and joins Tuck I like that Yeah, it's like break and you all walk away and it's from the top down and then you see, a couple seconds later, you see Bing go back the other way Like, look at this clinging of jars In that frame and frame, we're gonna go to the smokehouse Yeah, we're gonna go to the smokehouse In that frame and frame thing, it's like Billy, Tacoma and Bing And then you see Mirrors is just like slowly chopping Yeah Like, we're all doing like intense stuff and Mirrors is like chop, chop, chop And then it cuts to Perel and he's just like adjusting his diaper Standing in the middle of the town, like waving at people that walk by like, hi With a clock, and a clock at the bottom left-hand corner of the screen Yeah, yeah, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick Because 40 minutes Yeah, we only have 40 minutes before the Spaghetti's done?

Oh, yeah, this is great Yeah, I guessed that Yeah, no, I love spaghetti countdown Spaghetti countdown If the spaghetti's not fresh, nobody's gonna want a bone Have you ever seen loose, cold spaghetti? Yes It is an immediate boner killer One time I had it, my dick was so hard, I was gonna die And they just showed me cold spaghetti Dear son, fuck the spaghetti Yeah, who, in what situation was your boner being so hard? You're gonna die a problem?

And also, why did they show you loose spaghetti to solve it? It got, it got stung by, uh, like a, a, a porno scorpion What the fuck is that? Is it a, is it a scorpion? Okay, we're gonna talk about scorpions This is the outlander move Tell me about Porn scorpion Scorpion Yeah, I just don't know It's hard, yeah Yeah Scor-por-pornian No! I just, I like porn scorpion Porn scorpion There's a porn scorpion What does it do?

Porn scorpions are kind of smart So, they, what they do is they sneak into like porn stores then they steal porn Okay And they hold it up in their like claws and they run up to you And then when your dick gets hard, and they show it to you, then when your dick gets hard they sting And their sting is like a love potion to make you, it's like a Viagra sting It is kind of a Viagra sting It's what I was, what I thought it was gonna be Was just a Viagra sting?

It was a scorpion that's venom is an aphrodisiac No Not a scorpion that sneaks into a store, grabs pornography On, on tablets And is just like, hey, look at this Look Well, we, magazines exist Yeah Yeah So, I guess there's like wide scale printing still Betamax?

Betamax Yeah Whatever that is It runs up with one of those little like flip up DVD players with porn playing on it Like, hey, look at the screen, look at the screen No way, mister, nice try I'm gonna sting your boner Yeah, they catch mostly teenage boys who are like willing to risk it Wait, and then what, they eat them? Like, what's the purpose?

That's the only way they can get their rocks off, to make more porn scorpions Yeah It's their weird little thing It's part of their mating ritual Part of their mating ritual A male will do that and then like they'll like clack around to like attract a female And then they'll like kind of gesture to this like erect dick Mm-hmm And that's really turgid because of the extra porn scorpion venom that's in that And then the lady scorpion is just like, nice In places where there's a lot of porn scorpions, there's also a lot of cold spaghetti being sold That's the only antidote Oh yeah, because it's McCall and it's hot, so they're like, who wants hot spaghetti?

Yeah, true Nobody eats hot spaghetti in McCall, it's too hot Yeah, they're selling cold spaghetti off the back of like little Motorcycles Motorcycles First aid motorcycles Yeah What do they ride in McCall?

They ride in Centaurs Oh, right Because Abdul has determined that we talked about this a long time ago that Centaurs in McCall are like half camel, but the human half is like very unsettling looking like they're really like flabby Like they're really fat, hairy Yeah Like they always have gold chains Yep But they still have like crazy camel teeth, so their like teeth are huge Big jowls Yeah Hello, welcome to my carpet Yeah I'm a carpet store This isn't racist because I'm doing an impression of my uncle If we ever go to McCall in the game, I need you to give me permission to do an impression of your uncle We can just call him up If we're gonna get through this Uncle Mustafa Your uncle's name is Mustafa?

Yeah That's awesome One of them Oh, I guess you, yeah, you have more than one One of your uncle's Mustafa is named Mustafa? Yeah What? Oh my god Do you actually have 13 uncles? People in Egypt fuck like crazy Holy shit Cool Wait, you actually have 13 uncles? Yeah Do you have any aunts?

Oh no, I have 13 uncles and aunts Oh, okay Sorry, the women just look like men Oh my family But your sister's so pretty Yeah, she's really pretty Good dude She's not lucky Oh, gross So people just ride these like half person, half camel centaurs?

Yeah, you pay them Oh, I see, they hire people to ride them Yeah Oh, I see, they hire people to ride them Yeah Oh, I see, they hire people to ride them Yeah Oh, I see, they hire people to ride them Yeah Oh, I see, they hire themselves out Yeah, it's a rough ride Have you ever seen a camel run? Mm-hmm And their fucking wingdings are flapping around all over the place Because they still have human penises?

Yeah In between the front legs And the back legs I thought you were gonna say in between the humps Just hold on to my dick there Oh, that's too many penises Oh my god Even honestly thinking about one on these things is too many penises Yeah I'm gonna say this Porn scorpions, everybody You get a point of experience for that, unfortunately Oh, cool Wow Well, because there's some stuff in there that I will decide to use Later, when you're all alone Honestly, aphrodisiac scorpion is pretty funny Yeah Holding up porn to distract people But that's what Tuck said, so it's canon I feel like that's the I think That's the mythos of it Yeah, like Tuck has heard that they do this Yeah But he's also, as a teenager, he definitely got stung by one One time, he was like, oh, I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this I'm gonna do this Oh, yeah, there's a Yeah, I went to an apothecary and they put a bunch of cold spaghetti on my wiener.

Oh, yeah, there's an apothecary in McCall that's like, oh, yeah, we see this all the time. Come to the spaghetti room. There's about eight strands of spaghetti. Did you see that video of the crab with the knife? It's like that. Yeah. Have you seen that video? No. It's just a crab walking around with a steak knife in one claw like that. He's trying to stab the person who's trying to grab the knife. He's like waving the knife around in his claw like that. Yeah, it's pretty good. But with porn.

But with porn. Spectacular. So, yeah, there's a time constraint now. Oh, right, yeah. It's within 40 minutes. I think we're like 30 minutes down. Yeah, I've just been talking. Yeah, to Vang about porn scorpions. Well, we'll go to Billy first. So, Billy, what's Billy's plan? The smokehouse is there. It's all low and mud covered. Yeah, where's the hole I can get through? There's the rat hole. All right, let's go through the rat hole. There's the rat hole.

There's also chimneys that have smoke pouring out of them. Let's go through the rat hole. Okay, it's pretty small. You just jammed your little hand through there last time. So, you're gonna have to make it bigger if you want to get in. All right, let's dig. Help me, little sir. Okay, so defy danger. Dig. Yeah, what would this be? Strength, I guess. Defy danger, strength. Five. Okay. Okay. I think so. What, Billy's just like poking. He's just like poking at the mud, like trying to rip it up.

Yeah, he's trying to dig through to make the hole bigger. Yeah. Like a dog would. So, what happens is you're like digging, and you're digging at the edges of the wall, trying to make it a little bit bigger too. And then part of the wall like collapses, because it's just like mud covered. So, it just goes like, and then you see cracks start forming up the side of the wall. Oh, shit. And yeah, that wall like begins collapsing right in front of you. Okay.

So, this side of the wall, like smoke starts pouring out of the crack. Oh, fuck. And there's like a little bit that just kind of caves in. And you hear, what the hell? What the gold? The son of a. And you hear a bang as like Gregom comes bursting out of the front door. Oh, damn. Because what's going on? I just somebody did a fucking with my wall. I'm going to hide, I guess. Okay. Defy danger, dexterity, I guess. Or climb. Climb the hole? Okay. Well, you can't get in through the side.

So, you'd be climbing the wall. To go up to the roof. To go up to the roof, basically. Fine. All right, little sir. I'm going to put my leg up. Eight. Plus dexterity. Oh. Ten. Hell yeah. Yeah. Jessica's facial expression was the exact same, except her eyebrows went fucking bananas. Yeah. She was stone faced when she said eight. And then I said plus dexterity. And she said ten. And then her eyebrows just went. So, yeah. You zip up the wall.

And I would, honestly, if you didn't get a ten, I wasn't going to let you bring little sir with you. But little sir scampers up the wall next to you. He sure does. And you hide. You get over the lip of the roof. Just as Gregom comes around the corner, you can kind of see and smell him. Okay. And you see a little bit of smoke coming off of his body. And he's just like, what's going on? No, not my wall. My smoke house. And he's like trying to pile it up and patch wall.

And he's just like puts his hands on his hips. It's like. And he just, he walks away. He leaves. Oh. Yeah. Well, down the chimney I go. Up on the rooftop. Clop, clop, clop. Clop. Clop. I'm going to go down the chimney top. Down through the chimney I'm going to squeeze. And I'm going to land on my knees. Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho. Let us go. Ho, ho, ho. Ed Billy is singing this. And then he's also interjecting like rub a dub in tub up.

So you get to like a little chimney that smoke is just pouring out of. You can't see what's at the bottom. But it's just smokey as fuck. I don't care. Rub-a-dub-dub in the tub of love. Down I go. We're gonna go. Yeah, 2D6 plus dexterity for this, too. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Six. Six. Did Billy go in head first or butt first? He went in butt first. Okay, thank God. Yeah. So do you think he's falling or does he get stuck? He gets stuck. Okay.

So what happens is Billy barely gets in the top of the chimney and his little butt gets stuck like wedged. Little butt? Yeah. Little compared to a person, big compared to a halfling. And he just gets wedged and the smoke stops coming out of the chimney. Oh, no. And Billy's just like, smoked butt. Yeah. And you can feel your butt's getting really warm. Oh, no. Not from like fire, but just smoky. Oh, no. Does Lil Sir assist me? No, he does not. Okay.

This cat is like barely comprehending what you want it to do. Okay. Because it doesn't understand you. Okay. It can talk to Ving, but it does not understand you. Lil Sir. Go get Ving. And I do elf ears. Yeah. And the cat's just looking at you. Please. Wide eyed. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Go for help. Meow. And Lil Sir does that thing where like the cats do where he kind of flops onto his side and starts licking his paw. Okay.

So at that, we'll cut back to Tuck and Ving while Billy figures out what to do. Now that he's stuck in this chimney. Is that a racist gesture for the elves? Probably. Probably. Yeah. Is Tuck doing this in general story? I'm like, is it racist if people are like, you know, an elf and then they pull their ears up? I mean, to elves it is. Yeah. No, not unless like you're an elf. Yeah. To elves. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And Perel's just poking through the shelves. So what are we doing here? Oh, we're getting a canoe. Hmm. Yeah. So we go up to my good man. The guy at the counter was Bertram Brody. Oh, fuck. Bartleby. Bartleby. It was Bartleby. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Bartleby's just sitting there. He's doing the same thing. He's spinning a dagger on the counter. Yeah. We need a canoe. But quick. One coin. What? Everything's one coin. It's a dollar store. Let's go.

Canoe. One coin. Great. Okay. Do you have any blankets? Pillow? Pillows. One coin. Candles. One coin. Okay. Well, this is easier. We don't have to talk to this guy. Let's go around the store and get everything we want. Count up the items and give him the exact amount of coins. Well, yeah. What do we need to make this as romantic as possible? Pillows. Blankets. Do you have any of those porn scorpions? Do you have a porn scorpion? I'm asking Tuck. Okay. Oh, me? No.

Some people carry porn scorpion on them. I don't need to. I don't have that problem. All the old guys in the store are like… Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Bartleby's like, what's porn scorpion? It's like if you have trouble getting your dick hard. I buy it 10 coins. I don't have it. He like pats the counter like… Do you ever trade with anyone from McCall? Oh, McCall? Yeah. Yeah. Once in a while. Yeah. Just ask them for porn scorpions. Oh, all right. It gets your dick real hard. You're from McCall?

I'm from McCall. You got porn scorpion? No, I don't. I just said it. Any points? It being, you got porn scorpion? No. I just heard about it. He looks at Perel down the counter and Perel's like, no. So yeah, one coin. Everything in the store. So blankets, pillows. Candles. Candles. The canoe. Condoms. Condoms. Oh, no. He uses fish. Skin? What else? What else is sexy? We clearly don't know. Silky things? Do you have any porn? Oh, yeah. Okay. And he grabs a, he just puts a crate on the counter.

Okay. How much for the whole crate? Oh, I'd have to count one coin per. Oh, no. I think we'll just take the best one. Which one's the best one? Bartleby? Well, that's really up to you. That's specific to him, isn't it? Yeah. And I don't think I want to know that about Bartleby. You don't. He just puts down the one. Yeah. Slowly. He sticks his arm up to the elbow on the counter, pulls one out, puts it under the counter. Yeah. Okay. I'm just going to get Mud Affairs. All right.

Oh, and some, something to, like, incense. Oh, yeah. That's a good idea. To mask the fish smoke. Just because she, it's a little triggering for her. Yeah, probably. What? Do you have any music bottles? Oh, yeah. He does. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. One corn. Any points over it. Okay. Let's go over and try and find the sexiest music we can find. Okay. Okay. Yeah. There's a huge crate of glass bottles. Full of music. And we cut back to Billy stuck in the chimney with little sir not concerned at all.

All right. I will try a move to get out of here. All right. Let's see. Do you have any moves that apply to this? No. I'm going to try, though. Trap expert. Trap expert. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He's also really good at peeing his pants. Yeah. True. Okay. How can I lube up? Well, do you have? Do you have, like, I don't know, adventuring gear or something like that? Oh, I do. Because you can always mark off a use of adventuring gear. What's an adventuring gear? Ropes. That's it.

I would say there's, like, probably, like, lard or something like that. You know what I mean? Some sort of lubricant. Oh, yes. Lard and rope. It's basically whatever you want to be an adventuring gear that could reasonably be in there. Like, you can't be, like, a handgun. I feel like your adventuring gear would be, like, five uses of lard. Yeah. That's a lot of lard. Yeah. That's a lot of lard. That's a lot of lard. That's a lot of lard. Adventuring gear is, like, a bunch of fucked up stuff.

It's like, where do you even find this? And chocolate chips. Yeah. Yeah. There's just an iPhone in there. What the fuck is this? So, okay. Yeah. I have a brick of lard. I have another brick of lard. Two bricks of lard? That's going to be two. Oh, okay. Just one. Okay. Let's put that lard back. One lard. Start rubbing it on myself. And I'm going to, like, lift myself up and down. Uh-huh. To, like, move the lard around. I'm glad nobody's watching. Yeah.

Because it's just you, like, greased up, like. Yeah. What the fuck is that kid doing? Okay. Am I trying to squeeze down or up? I guess up. Are you going up or down? Down. Okay. All right. So, it's another defy danger to charity. Okay. Please. Yeah. Yeah. Tim. Tim. So, with the power of lard. Yeah. Yeah. You've lubed yourself up sufficiently. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You just start sliding down. And then you're really picking up speed. Yeah.

And you just come out of the bottom like, boop. Oh, man. You smell exactly like a smoked oyster. I sure do. And I'm so. My whole bottom is so blackened. Oh, yeah. You're just, like, smoked from the bottom down. Greasy and smoked. You land on a rack of fish and just annihilated. Sorry. But there's nobody in here. Gregham's left. Yeah. I apologize to the fish. Oh. So, yeah. You're just in a pile of fish in a really smoky place. But you're under the smoke line. So. So Billy can see pretty well.

All right. Let's put those goggles on. So Billy is when he said, let's put the goggles on. He just put his fingers around his eyes. That's usual. Discern realities. So yeah, discern realities. 2D6 plus wisdom. Seven. Oh, thank God. So you get one question. All right. Where is the oysters? What here is useful or valuable to me would likely be the question. Yeah. What's useful or valuable to me?

So it's mostly fish, but you do find in the corner of one tunnel, a little rack that has little tiny oysters hanging off hooks. Beautiful. I go get those. Snag, snag, snag. How many do you take? Like whatever can fit in my bag. Okay. Yeah. So like 35. Okay. Yeah. So you have a good amount of smoked oysters. Just loose in your bag. Yep. Per usual. All right. And yeah, accomplished. You have little sir. You're in. You're out. You're out of sight of Gregom who has come to like try and fix his wall.

I feel so bad for Gregom. There's just smoke pouring out of one side of the smokehouse. Oh man. But you've got your oysters. Off we go. All right. And we'll cut back to general store where you guys are digging through a pile of bottles. Yeah. What do you think the sexiest kind of music is? Ring my heart. No. Too depressing. Okay. I don't want to be anything. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Fuck me like a metamorphosis. I am a butterfly. You are a cocoon. I like that. Yeah.

That one's pretty good. Yeah. Fuck me like a metamorphosis. It's also got a grumbly voice, which I think she'll like. Oh yeah. Because it's like him. Yeah. And then what's the, what is he like? Fish? Fish, fish, fish. Well, let's just get both of these. Perfect. And then pour them, put them both into like the same bucket. Ooh, a Bentley bucket. Yeah. And make it, yeah. Make a music medley. The fuck? You can make a music medley out of putting two music bottles into a bucket.

Sometimes it turns into brown sound. It's just a tone that nobody likes. It's how they made the gray album. So lame. Gandalf, the gray album. All right. It's cool again. I thought so. Great. So yeah, you go up to the counter with those bottles. How many coins is all of this? Well, how many bottles? Two bottles. Two coins. Blanket. One coin. Pillow. One coin. Four candles. Four candles. Four coins. Three bottles of wine. Three coins. Right. Two cups. Two cups. Two coins.

Chocolate covered strawberries. Oh, how many? One dozen. Twelve coins. Oh my God. Unless, and this is, I shouldn't tell you this. Yeah. You put them in one box. One coin. How much are boxes? One coin. Okay. Well, you get a box. Okay. Cool. So that's two coin. We're at like 15 coin now. The canoe is 16. 16 coins. Yeah. And the condoms are free. Condom. I'm going to assume that Greg has condoms. Oh, you don't know Greg. Okay. We'll get some condoms.

I also, as we were leaving, I saw a spaghetti squash that was shaped like kind of like a lady's body. So I. Added that to the basket. Cause it's kind of sensual. Like tuck just like in this. Yeah. Cause I'm like, yeah, I like those shapes. Let me guess. One coin. One coin. Let's go make these other people. Fuck. All right. Thanks for coming. Have a good day. You too. See you soon. Probably. And he pulls the magazine back out from under the counter. Puts his big crate of pornography back.

As we walk out, he turns the sign to be back in five minutes. And turns a little. Clock to two minutes. And yeah. So as you're leaving, Perel is there too. He just has watched this whole thing. He's been trying not to be seen because he thinks that his diaper outfit is actually drawing more attention to him than it would otherwise. I'm starting to feel like I should have just worn my robe. I feel like a grown man wearing a diaper is much more conspicuous.

For some reason, Tacoma is able to pull it off, but. Doesn't really work for me. Just because you're dressed like a big baby doesn't mean you have to act like one. You. That was pretty funny. Let's go. I like that he responds to Burns like a substitute teacher. Like, oh, you kids. You're going to be the best. At least you're thinking. Yeah. And you see Billy come hustling up the street with little sir and 100% just brown from the waist down. Did you have diarrhea again? No, I got nothing.

And you look. You look behind further down the lane. And you see just a huge column of smoke pouring up from one building. I didn't do it. You set something on fire. No. Okay. I run away. You run away to the tent. Okay. Billy's got a good head start. He's just like. Oh, man. That lard with all the smoking flavor. Yeah. Mears is going to be all over putting that in the jar. But it's all over Billy's legs. I mean, he can ring a ling and stuff. That's the full wash. I was wearing pants.

I went inside. Good pants. I went inside. All right. And you guys make it back to the tent. Yeah. What's the timer at? That all took like 25 minutes. All right. We only have 15 minutes left. Yeah. Shit. Mears, how's the biscotti going? I got 15 minutes left or so. Is it too late to throw the squash in? Throw the squash in the spaghetti? No, no, no. I want to leave it out. It's personal. Looks like a lady. Are we? Can we throw this in? No, I'm going to hold on to that. No, wait, wait, wait.

I'm going to put it in my corner of the room. In your corner of… I forget that you guys just have chose to sleep in this living room. Yeah. So you throw it in the side with Francis? Well, no, I have a shelf. That's my stuff. There's like a couple of bottles of music on there. And then there's… A shattered bass guitar. It's not shattered. Just strings are all ripped. So all the strings are on there. And a squash that looks kind of like a lady. Yeah.

And then I take a little piece of charcoal and I draw a face on the top. Oh, my God. And Perel is just staring wide-eyed like… You know I can turn that into a real lady for you. Yeah, you want a squash lady? No, I just like the squash, you creep. No, it would be… Anyways, spaghetti time. Yeah, Mears is like, I need like 15, 20 more minutes. Okay, yeah, let's start filling up the boat with all our shit. Cool, yeah. So what's everybody doing in the… Like, tell me how this canoe…

This love canoe takes shape. We put a crate in there for a table. And then let's arrange the platter of spaghetti when it's done. The strawberries around it. Oysters. And then the oysters around those. Oh, wait, what? You're like wringing the spaghetti? With strawberries and then you wring the strawberries with oysters. Mandala. Yeah. Concentric circles are the sexiest thing, yeah. Wow. So what else is in there? Put the pillows on either side. And then the blankets up to the edge.

Yeah, and a candle on the bow and a candle in the stern. And then also candles in the table in the middle. Because we got four. So you're like melting those so they stay? Yeah. I take the two bottles and I put them in a bucket. Oh, nice. Yeah. So you open up the corks and you dump them in the bucket? No, no, no. I put them in the bucket with ice. Oh, I see. Yeah. That's classy. And then I also put the wine bottles in there. Wait, you put the music bottles… In a bucket with ice? Yeah.

To keep it fresh. It just looks cool. And it gives it kind of like… Crispy. It remixes it to more of a techno vibe. Wow. I love that this is a world where we were like magic doesn't exist. But this music bottle thing, we've just gone fucking buck wild. It's like cell phones. It seems like magic. Music is different. Music is different in this world where it has like a tangible aspect to it. Yeah. If you change the temperature, it changes the kind of music.

If you make music really hot, it's all country. And it smells like… It smells like horses. Wow. Incredible. Room temperature music smells like… Teen spirit. Yeah. Very good. All right. So the Love Canoe has been… It's this like candle barge with the concentric circle meal in the middle. And then a bucket of music. Chilled music. Yeah. And some wine. Chilled wine. Wonderful. Bing paints on the back, B and G fuck canoe. Yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wonderful.

And yeah, once you're done that, Mears is like, okay, all right. Oh, I don't have a colander. And he's like holding a pot. Like, what do I do? Here. And then I take… Billy, can I borrow one of your knives? Yeah. I take it. I just stab a bunch of holes in the bottom of the pot. He's like, no. Roll for that. Yeah, roll for that. The pot's not trying to get away. Is Mears trying to get away? He's trying to get the pot away.

No, he knows that if he tried to get away from this, it would be so much worse. So all the spaghetti water just falls on the table. On the tent floor. Yeah, basically. And Francis kind of lumbers up from his sleeping position and waddles over and starts licking the pasta water off the ground. See, the problem is dealing with itself. Having Francis in the tent is like when you have a dog and you forget you have to clean floors. So yeah, you've got the spaghetti. Mears throws the sauce on there.

He made a really nice sauce with peppers and mushrooms and some fresh herbs that he found outside. Are there meatballs? There's like ground meat. Oh, dang it. Ground meat. Meat that he found on the ground. Okay. Yeah. I get, after he platters it or plates it, I get in there with my hands and I make a dick shape with the meat. She's doing it now. Just form it. Yeah. So Billy's just making like a wiener shape out of the beef or whatever.

Ving and I are watching it happen and we're like, I feel like we might have let him see too many things. That's accurate meat. What? Dick. And the, uh. We might have to have the birds and the. And then he looks at us and we were just like, looks great, buddy. Yeah. Great meat, dick. It looks good. Yeah. Should I add more? No, no, no, no, no, no. Make it bigger? More. Yeah, I'll do that. Should I add more veins? Oh my God. He's putting like spaghetti. Oh my God. Somebody needs a trim.

This episode is going to be so fucking weird. Putting some parsley around the balls to be like. Oh my God. Yeah. Oh, geez, Louise. Yeah. And so the love canoe, the fuck canoe has been assembled. Yeah. We're going to dump the potion all over everything. Yeah. So Perel is like, man. Yeah, go for it. Go ahead.

And he takes the potion, which he moved into one of Ving's mason jars from the pot and he's got it just and he's like kind of swirling it to make sure that all the stuff is going to be evenly mixed. And then he starts spritzing all the food very like flashily. Like he's like little dash there, little dash over here, a little bit. And he puts his fingers in and goes, huh? He's kind of sprinkling it like the key to good potion work is just a little bit of flair. You know what I mean?

And then Tuck grabs it from him and just dumps it. No, no, no. Oh. Yeah. Oh boy. I appreciate your pizzazz. That. That was a lot. Well, this could be a pretty intense fuck to watch. Wait, I didn't know we were going to have to watch this. I thought we had to. Do we have to? Why would we? To make sure it happens? And he's like, and Perel thinks for a second. He's like, you know, now that I'm thinking about it, we already have the rats, right? Yeah. Are we just doing this to be like nice? Yeah.

It's like our good deed. Well, it's a deed. It is certainly a deed. All right, let's go. We're done. And he takes like there's the little bit of the potion left in the jar and he very carefully screws the lid back on and then puts it in a shelf and is like, nobody touch this. This is now potion shell. You should put a sign on it. Yeah. Okay. And he takes a post-it note and he writes on it and he sticks it to the thing with some spit that says potion, potion shell. I like that.

Over the last few weeks. The whole tent. The whole tent. We've been labeling different parts of it. Like there's Billy's room now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We actually can't cross. Like, for some reason, he just drew a charcoal line, but it's like a physical barrier. He's always a little bit in survival mode when he's living on the streets. And then, yeah, there's the danger room. There's a potion shelf. There's Tuck's shelf. Yep, true.

Ving has a crying place. Is it labeled? It's labeled, but it moves around the room. And Mears made a note that said, Francis's room, and put it on one side of the tent where Francis usually sleeps. Ving's crying place is actually, the label for it is on the cover of a Babysitter's Club book. Yeah, and so that's where we're at. The plan is now commencing. So you just take it down to the water? Yeah, just drag the canoe into the water.

Rose petals, rose petals, leading all the way down to the canoe. Yeah. Rose petals, rose petals. From the middle of town? Yeah. All right. From where they are. Scatter a few oysters as well, the ones I have left. I'm gonna go get Brenda. I'll go get Gregom. I will guard the boat. Perel's like, I'll go with Billy. Yeah. And so you just head down to the water. Well, you're at the water, I guess, because Tuck and Ving carry it down. And yeah, Perel's just standing with Billy.

Tuck, you go to Vegetable Town plus Cheeses. I walk in. Yeah, Brenda's there. And she's like, how's it going? It's ready. Oh. Oh. Okay. Wait, what's ready? We set up a date for you guys. There's a bunch of love potion on everything. Okay. So here's what we're gonna do. There's a bunch of blankets in the canoe. We're gonna hide you in it. Okay. Yeah. And then Ving's gonna get Gregom. We're gonna put Gregom in the canoe and we're gonna push it out. And then that's when you pop out. All right.

I'll do my best. Yeah. Okay. All right. I'm so excited. I'll… Oh, sweet Gregom. I'm coming. Are you gonna wear that? What? My frock? Yeah. Should I not? It really smells like rats. Okay. Oh, yes. Of course. Okay. I'll be back. Wear something that's like, I don't know, makes your bits jiggle or whatever. Don't you worry, young man. Okay. I will. Okay. And she scurries off to the back. So we cut back to Ving and Ving's going to the smokehouse. Yeah.

He's really nonchalantly walking up to the smokehouse. Just like walks in. Just like… Ugh. And Gregom's not inside. You hear him muttering around the side where like all the smoke is pouring out. And he's like, God dang wall's falling over. Ah, the wall looks great, man. Hey, look at that. It's evening. You know what's the best time for evening? What? Fishing. Let's go fishing. Oh, I can't fish. I gotta fix this god dang wall. What are you talking about? The wall looks great.

Look at this wall fall over. Okay. Elemental mastery. Okay. So elemental mastery is what? When you call on the primal spirits of fire, water, earth, or wall to perform a task, you roll plus wisdom. On 10 plus, choose two. On seven to nine, choose one. On miss, nothing happens. Okay. Except catastrophes. Yeah, catastrophe happens. Oh, 12. Holy shit. Wow. Wow. That's wisdom. Okay. So he's just talking about… 14. 14.

So he's just talking about the wall and Gregom's saying, Oh, what about the wall? And it's just instantly perfect. Yeah. Yeah. But on a 10 plus, you still choose two instead of three. So the three that you get to choose from are the effect you desire comes to pass, which you probably naturally want. You avoid paying nature's price and you retain control. Oh, I'll pay nature's price. Okay. So you do that.

You call on the spirits of earth and mud and shit to like fix the wall and it just solidifies. And the crystals on your hand creep a little bit further up your arms. Worth it. Worth it. Yeah. They creep just a little bit further. What the fuck? Yeah. Nice. And Gregom's like, Oh, hey. And he's like patting the wall. Like, Oh, this is a nice wall. This is a nice wall you did. You want to go pound some fish? Oh, nothing Gregom like more than pound fish. You guys darn right. Let's go.

Let's go pound a fish. Yeah. And he lights up a fish like a little anchovy. He throws it in his mouth. He's like, Let's go. I'm good. All right. And yeah, he follows you. Great. To the canoe. What's Billy been up to? Billy has been, been doing Perel's lectures. Yeah. That's what I was thinking is Perel's like, Okay, so, you know, the glass we're thinking maybe the glass has been a magical catalyst. Billy, please. Billy, please. Billy. Hey, Billy. Magic. No. Okay, fine. All right.

I guess somebody doesn't want to learn how to be a wizard. I do, but it's so hard. And this mud is so soft. And look at the bed I made. I think Billy's just made a little mud. Yeah. Yeah. And he's like, put all his limbs stuck in the mud. Look at my bed. He's like, Oh, okay, fine. Well, I guess if you don't want to learn how to do magic, I can't make you. I want to know some stuff. No, you don't. It's boring. I'm boring. Yes, you are.

But let me tell you, you could probably be less boring if you tried harder. Oh, yeah. How would I, how would I do that, Billy? Like saying things that are faster and like easier, smaller words. Okay. Uh, so you're, you know, your glass, the ring that Chamberlain gave you. Yeah. It might make you better at magic. Really? Do you want to learn how to do cooler magic? Yes. Like what?

I guess like getting what I want more or like, I want to learn how to protect myself and make sick weapons out of my hands. I want those beams of light back in my hands. Cool. And Perel's like, Oh, I don't know. I don't know. So that's okay. That's mostly like shields would be like abjuration magic. Oh, there he goes again. Okay, Billy. All right. No, I understand what you mean, but those are, those are more combat oriented magical styles. That's something he scratches his chin.

Like I'd have to think about that. Well, you do that and I'm going to go eat some of this grass. No, don't. Why? Cause I'm hungry. God, I threw all the oysters on the ground. And at this, you see, uh, you see, tucking Brenda coming up as you're going to eat a handful of grass. Oh, Hey guys, tuck. You see Billy trying to eat a handful of grass. Billy. I stole a bunch of cheese from Brenda's store. Don't let her see it. I slide it down.

Cause I, in my mind, when we were leaving, I was like, I think Billy skipped second lunch. He's going to be starving. It's going to be so cranky. Yeah. And Brenda sees the canoe and she's like, Oh my Lord, it's wonderful. He'll love it. Thank you so much. Yeah. You're welcome. Get the fuck it. What is she wearing? She's wearing, uh, corset, like a leather corset that really pushes things up. Whoa. Like a classic, like fantasy maiden sort of outfit. That's just so over the top.

It's got like little fabric flowers, like on the skirt, which is very flowy. Cut the buns off her head like earlier today. So she's got crazy short hair, but it's really like stuck out on the sides. Cause the sides are very unruly, but the top is kind of slick. It's very strange looking. Made Mary and Pixie dream girl. Yeah. She tried to fix it, but it did not go well. Okay. So now I hide in the boat. Yeah. Get in, get on the blanket. Yeah.

You hear when we push it out, pull both of the music things. Okay. Can do. Okay. And she dives into the boat. Bean can see that she's, yeah. Like she's still not under the thing. So he's like, we're getting closer to the shore. We're just like put piling blankets over. I'm just like, Oh yeah. Okay, man. Yeah. And Greg, I'm just like, all right. Yeah. You're going to scare all the fish away. Got quite a, quite a nighttime. Fishing's all about silence. Okay, man. We're on your time now. Yeah.

Greg, I'm time. I'm time after dark. So here's the canoe. It's old. The fishing rods are under the blanket. No need to lift them up. Now you get in first and I'll untie us and send us out to sea. Why is it so? Ah, there's so many candles. And he just like, yes, we don't want, we're going to be catching fish. Anyways, up, up, up. And okay, here we go. You're away and you're off. Oh, shoot. Oh no. I let go of the canoe. Oh, Greg, no. Hold on. Hold on. Oh, the paddles are over here.

He's paddling with his hands. Elementary mastery of moving the water. Oh, sick idea. Oh, nice. Uh, 10. And I will pay nature's price again. Okay. The desire is just get the water to push the boat. Yeah. It's like a, like the, a soft surf rolling in the shore, but it's rolling. It's rolling out. Oh yeah. So yeah, the spirits of water pick it up and just go like, so your hands are getting pretty crystal. There's like, and they basically like come up out of your skin. Yeah. Yeah.

And you feel that looks cool, but that's not great. Yeah. So now it's like, what do we think? Like a little bit past the, how far was it before? It was, it was, it felt like just wrist. Yeah. So now it's like a little bit past your wrist. Yeah. Oh, it's worth it. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, Greg, I'm like, Oh, what's going on? And then Brenda pops out. She's like, Greg, my love. And, uh, Greg, I'm turns around. It's like, I told you you can only, that's the thing is they're so far away.

Now you can hear like, yeah, Billy's doing the binoculars. Yeah. Billy can hear it pretty well. Brenda said, Oh, Greg, my love. And then Greg said, Oh, Brenda. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And we're kind of getting half the covers. Yeah, but it's big and it's big. Well, actually, you know what, Jessica, you tell me what happens. Okay. So Billy's relaying this to tuck and Bing. Okay. And Perel. I'm not very good at improvising. I'll do my best. Oh, no, we trust you. Okay. Greg, I'm saying, Oh, the wall.

And then Brenda's like, they're your oysters. You should try one. Mm. And then Brenda eats one. And then Brigham's Greg says, Oh, is he eating it? Yeah, he's eating it. I did. Yeah, he ate it. Okay. Um, Oh, okay. Brenda's reaching over and she's touching. They're kissing. Okay. Okay. They're kissing really hard. We're trying to grab his hand. He's touching her, but Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, the way is things work. Even if as we grab it, he can still see. Yeah, and you pull it away in his eye.

His like irises are just huge. Oh, my God. God, they got naked so fast. And as I could be bitten by porn scorpion as, as like, as it's happening where I, we have grabbed Billy and are running away from the overshadow. Looking back, still look at any screaming encouragement. Yeah, now the left one, maybe slow down though. And this pumping so fast, the canoe, but the sun sets and you can see just silhouetted by the sun and candles and candles, just two human shapes doing it going nuts. Wow.

Greg, I'm just was trying to keep his heart safe. He loved his work, but now with the potion, allowing him to see Brenda, as he truly, he sees her. Oh man. Yeah. Wow. They fucked like animals and sunsets on the sea of graves. And we hear and townspeople look out over the water and they nod slowly and they go back to their homes and it's now nighttime in the sea of graves. And Perel stops and says, that might've been more of a sex potion than a love potion.

I'll, I'll have to take another look at that book. And I think that's where we're going to end it. Yeah, that's where we're going to end it for this week. Uh, my name is Sean O'Hara. I'm your game master playing being the half elf druid, Paul Oppers. Yeah. Bye. Fat Billy, the halfling thief, Jessica tie. Bye everyone. And Tacoma dome, the barbarian played by Abdul Aziz. So long. Uh, thanks to Wes for all the technical work, Abdul for all the editing.

Thanks to our incredible patrons for helping us reach our first, uh, monthly goal. We're so excited and also scared. And fuck you to the patron that increased his donation to fold $20 a month to make us hit our monthly goal. We thought we had easily two more weeks. So send me a fucking message with your phone number in it and I'll give you a call or come to your house so we can say thank you so much. And so I could fucking know. So we on your front lawn.

So we can say, thank you for all your amazing support. I just want to level up your life. Like you've leveled up ours. Jacob, you fucking dick. You're getting a second job. Jacob. Also check out a Spout Lore on Twitter or the fan group. If you want to see some truly insane fan art that came in recently, it's pretty good. And if you want to post more fan art, do it. I love it so much. Uh, and thank you to you for listening. We'll see you next time. Bye. Bye. And so ends the tale of adventures.

Three. Who tried the best? They can. Dumb and scared and lost. Maybe. But times of rest in. And though our journey may be. We will not leave you. Without a resolution. Return next week to hear some more. Whilst you commute. Or do your chores. And for you. I'd gladly. Spout Lore. Do you think it's a bad thing that I can't think of how to make something romantic? That's what I was just thinking, actually. I think. You can't think of how to make a D&D. What? Fuck canoe romantic? Yeah. Yeah.

A D&D fuck canoe. Welcome to Spout Lore. Everybody. D&D fuck canoe episode. The only. The. Genuinely. The only podcast in the world where you are likely to hear the words D&D fuck canoe.

Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers have health, he shifts his shape, and wields a spear with great might Peely's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends, and listen close For the tale's about to start Hi there, and welcome.

Hi there, and welcome. To Spout Lore. I'm your game master, Sean O'Hara. With me as always, playing Fat Billy the Halfling Thief, Jessica Tai. Peace. Playing Tacoma Dome, the Barbarian, Abdul Aziz. Hello. And playing Ving, the Half-Elf Druid, Paul Oppers. Good afternoon. When last we left our heroes, they just kinda had a chill travel time. And they hit the coast of the Sea of Graves for the very first time. And they took a little dip in the water, and Ving… Trip ball. Yeah.

Ving communed with the spirits of the Sea of Graves. Amazing. And was given a vision of some sort of great bird. Some sort of massive flying beast. And who knows what it… It was a Thunderbird. That's what we determined. Is that it was a Thunderbird. Probably. Perhaps the king of all Thunderbirds. Oh, cool. But maybe just a bird. Who can say? I can. It was a Thunderbird. And Billy took more dumps in more bodies of water. And Tuck and Perel had a little conversation.

About Billy's potential magical ability. As the sea… The water of the Sea of Graves seemingly gave Billy some greater control over his magical powers. And perhaps with the right tools and the right training, Billy could come to be a more versatile magic user. Which is pretty cool. And then they traveled up the coast a little bit further and hit the town of Little Sur. That appears to have a mayor who is a small cat with a hat. His name is Little Sur. Yeah.

I think the town is named after the cat Little Sur. Who knows what the town was named before. They hit up an herbalist shop where Bing attempted to… Well, and successfully restocked on poultices and herbs. Got a little bit of that dank halfling pipe leaf at the same time. Sure. And Billy, who was apparently felt slighted by the owner Brody, decided to go try and lift a little bit of oil of Taget for his own uses. Thereby dumping a leader on himself and knocking himself out.

Tuck was gonna throw a pig at him. Yeah. And because of that incredible feat of strength and recklessness, Brody helped them wake Billy back up. But not before Billy had a little reminiscence of his exile from the Halfling Lands. But besides that, it was pretty chill. And that's where we find our heroes now. In the town of Little Sur. Billy and Bing, who we left in the tent after Billy woke up, are probably still there doing whatever they were doing.

But we open on Tuck and Mears in the town of Little Sur. And Francis, who's probably outside. What are Tuck and Mears up to? I kinda just wanted to get like… There's like a bunch of artisanal food shops that have way too expensive cheese and sausages and stuff. And I'm like, yeah, there's fucking nothing else to do. I'm just gonna buy a bunch of this bullshit. So how much money? You know, standard beach town stuff. Yeah, totally.

Where you're like, just fucking load me up with whatever shit you have. Oh, just anything you've made out of shells. Yeah. I'll pay you a lot of money for it. And so you're just in a cheese store? Yeah, I'm in a cheese store. Yeah. It's the same, like, food store that Mears was in earlier, buying peppers. And you kinda met up with Mears in the pepper store. Yeah. She's old. She's pretty portly. She's got gray hair. She's got a lot of hair. She's got a lot of hair. She's got a lot of hair.

She's got a lot of hair. She's got a lot of hair. She's got a lot of hair. There's a lot of hair. There's a lot of hair. There's a lot of hair. There's a lot of hair. There's a lot of hair. She's pretty portly. She's got gray hair in braids that wrap around the sides of her head. She looks like fucking Princess Leia. But like more Bavarian. Oh, cool. Yeah. And she's just like, what can I do for you? I'm just looking around. Can I help you look around? Have you tried our cheeses?

Do you have any samples? Oh, do we have samples? And she pulls up a piece of wood and it's got all these samples already laid out with toothpicks in them. Okay. Well, I eat them all. One at a time. Do you contemplate the flavors at all? Or is it just… How many different flavors are there? There's 12. Okay. And what are they? They are cranberry, pistachio, some kind of mystery meat. That's what she says. This one is chives. This one is double chive. This one is cranberry again. Whoops.

How'd that get in there? There's only 11 flavors. And she said, and that's all of them. And then I do the thing that you always do in that situation. And you go, just give me old cheddar. Old cheddar it is. And she slaps a big block up on the counter. How much is that? It's two coins. Okay. Yeah. I mean, you bought cheese. Is there anything else you're trying to get out of this lady? What? Is this not good enough for you? No, this is great. Is this not good enough Dungeons and Dragons?

You know, I just had an expectation of high adventure and intrigue and mystery. And you're buying fucking cheese. And Mears is happy to be in here as long as you want to be. No, I want to check out one of the other stores. Yeah. What are you looking for? I don't know. Is there like a shit store? Just like stuff with garbage? Yeah. Like a curiosity shop. Yeah. There's like a thrift store. Yeah. I go in there. It started as a general store. It's actually called General Store. Oh, cool. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Where travelers just sold all their garbage. Okay. And over time, it ended being, it stopped being a general store and became a store full of garbage. Like just travel. It's like a giant traveler shrine almost. Yeah. It kind of is. It kind of is.

Like one of those woven snowshoes and there's like a canoe yeah and there's just a real uh saggy looking guy with a handlebar mustache on the counter mirrors and I are kind of just like in there and tuck is uh I think he's becoming more and more aligned to the patron of the traveler because that's like more what our identity is becoming it's like we're just travelers so he goes in there and I think he wants to like sell something and pick something up cool because that's what people do here right that is what people do here so yeah we're just kind of browsing through yeah all right I'm like mirrors are you gonna get any of this dumb shit I don't know I got all my food unless we see some oh you know it'd be great a steamer like for clothes no for like vegetables okay you know it's like a metal thing and it folds out it looks like a flower okay you a a something and pick something up cool because that's what people do here right that is what people do here so yeah we're just kind of browsing through yeah all right I'm like mirrors are you gonna get any of this dumb shit I don't know I got all my food unless we see some oh you know it'd be great uh steamer like for clothes no for like vegetables okay you know it's like a metal thing and it folds out it looks like a flower okay you steam vegetables okay you don't burn them on the bottom of the pot whoa you have a steamer he's like rifling around is there any type of stuff that tuck is looking for is it just garbage um I think tuck's like attracted right now to like like history books oh yeah there's a pile of books for sure yeah can I can I discern realities to see if any of the books are like sure yeah like uh better than oh like a higher value than they actually are oh I want to I want to see if any of these are like kind of rare or cool that the that the dumb shit that works here this is what I'm telling mirrors I'm like hey you know what I like to do in these stores I like to look around see if there's anything like cool that like the dumb shits that work here don't even know about you know tuck's a picker yeah all right yeah give me a 2d6 there's like a show about this in mccall there's like where they play yeah they uh yeah they do like this big stage show yeah where it's like called the shit road show yeah road uh okay yeah so you're gonna do a discern realities uh yes okay 2d6 plus uh wisdom 10 thank god okay so you get three questions off the discern realities list what here is useful or valuable to me uh there is a book that on the outside says like tinctures and elixirs an herbalist guide to herbalism oh but you're flipping through it and you're like oh this is about alchemy oh like this isn't about like regular herbalism like there are entries in here that are about magical alchemy cool magicians used to write books with like seemingly they would write them like under the guise of other things and that's something like herbalism or like costume design they could oh yeah simple architecture like building from the earth right because we had talked about how like in the old like in the bad times like when the wizards were being hunted they had to like they were using those like memory books to keep their shit secret right yeah because they were burning magic books but maybe this was like another strategy but their arrogance would like make them make these other things where they're like hiding out and playing with these different books totally because who do I have to pay for the dumb fuck behind the counter yeah you got to pay the guy that works at the store or you can who's he his name is bartleby uh-huh and he is um he's got a dagger on the counter point down with his finger over it and he's just spinning it idly and I'm like how much is this book one coin okay cool and then I look for like a blanket for billy yeah you find a very old but sturdy like wool blanket and I'm like how much is the blanket one coin okay cool yeah I'll take both two coin thank you you want to sell oh right yeah I was gonna sell yeah I'm gonna leave behind this the penetrable billhook impenetrable billhook the impenetrable billhook you're gonna leave it behind yeah this incredible item and weapon that has traveled with you for lo these many months now I'll leave behind billy's armor that he never used you never used it you didn't even want it I might want it one day no I'm leaving this behind because I'm getting you a blanket okay I'm leaving the armor behind all right were you even gonna was billy even gonna wear the armor I don't know I feel like you only want it now because I'm about to give it away it's kind of cool billy could show up later on in his hometown wearing armor it's a big flex it's okay in my mind tuck is just like billy hates this why would I keep it I won't stop yeah that's what tuck believes like billy hates this armor I'm gonna give him a blanket instead uh yeah and the guy goes one coin okay cool thanks thank you and he throws one of your coins back yeah and I mean that's the story that's the way the store works buy buy one coin sell one coin that's all I wanted all right bye mirrors did you find anything uh no steamers okay I found a pepper mill though are you gonna buy it no it's like full of spider eggs okay uh a guy says spider egg two coin spider egg one coin pepper mill one coin I don't think I'm gonna buy it okay one coin I don't think I'm gonna buy it I'll give you two coins get those spiders out of my store because I'm gonna go now and mirrors just walks out the door yeah we go back to the tent we cut back to uh billion ving in the tent what are billion being up to um I'm playing with the oil of taggett bottle like a lava lamp careful easy careful you can see like a lava lamp and you can see like a lava lamp and you can see like a lava lamp and you can see like a lava lamp and you can see like the oil like uh run a little bit further down the lip of the bottle like just past the cork a little bit further past the cork really don't fuck around with me I'm sorry no it's okay just we only have so much weed left and uh and I need it this is daddy's weed daddy needs his weed and mirrors is like oh billy you got a little toy there huh what's this what and he takes he reaches for the bottle and he's like oh I need this weed bottle whoa don't touch it whoa oh it's not a cooking instrument what's hey it's for me what is it none of your business I bury it in my bed uh is billy okay he's acting a little touchy hey he's super sleepy I'm just grumpy I think he's a little bit uh high too I'd say so okay what time is it it's like yeah like late morning almost noonish let's see what fuck yeah let's go cat man uh so you yeah you just head back to town hall yeah yeah and um what does it look like town hall it is a um big scratching post it's a very normal looking like one-story building uh it's not too big it's about it's like medium-sized for the town and it's just made out of wood like it's a normal looking wooden building and it says town hall on the sign knock knock knock and it's like a big wooden building and it's like a big wooden building and it's like a big wooden building and uh it's come in like wait what we opened the door there's a person at a desk oh okay oh my god we thought you weren't talking chat man you thought I was the cat right yeah a lot of people think I'm the cat uh what's your name um uh margum margum margum uh welcome to town hall what can I do for you do you need a permit sure one permit to meet the mayor please oh you don't need a permit to meet the mayor you can meet the mayor whenever you want where is he he's in the mayor's office oh my god and I look billy looks over and it's like a tiny room with glass and the window is up top high up and it's just a scratching post inside like it's like a little cat tower this is so exciting and it is just kind of like there's like a viewing section for this room and there's just a little cat with a bowler hat on oh is he walking around on two feet he's laying down oh my god I go in like laying down on his side like licking his hand little sir and billy goes in yeah billy goes yeah and the cat looks up and goes oh my god it is a cat uh yeah how did it become mayor oh it's a really funny story actually 10 years ago um a cat called big sir was as a joke written in as a mayoral candidate and the town thought he was so cute that we all just voted for him and then his uh his his descendant little sir is now the town's mayor that's sort of sort of the whole situation wow so cute he's been mayor for three years he's four oh my god you're so accomplished can I touch the mayor oh of course he loves chin scratches scoop him up yeah hand him to billy oh I put my face directly in his tummy it's so soft I smush it around oh that's all I'm doing yeah I mean that's the that's the mayor situation and and margum's like thank you so much for coming I hope you did you enjoy the mayor yeah it was cute I want to look around for anything valuable all right he like looks at tuck and winks like I'm on it I give him a thumbs up we're doing it in front of margum yeah I want to see if there's any crystals in here or anything like that okay can I yeah for sure discern reality realities 2d6 plus wisdom all right wow 11.

Anything valuable useful to me well I mean this room's like a cat room there's like a little oil oil portrait of little sir that somebody did that looks really nice cool yeah it's probably pretty expensive starting to get the idea there's not a lot in here for us except the cat mayor I mean I think yeah I think we came in here we were like sinister cat is in charge of this town we're kind of realizing that no it's just a cat is there anything you need done doing cat mayor things talking to them oh yeah and margum's like uh he's a cat I know we are mercenaries from lands far away we've come with the talents and deeds in mind anything you need and it sounds like I'm sitting on the ground right now billy's in my lap and the cat's on billy and he's saying he's like oh thank god one whomst I can communicate with I've been waging a slow campaign against the rats of this town for generations yes my cat is a cat and I'm sitting on the ground right now and I'm sitting on the ground yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes And what are we seeing?

You're seeing Ving go, and you're seeing the cat go, and it's like reaching up, yeah, it's batting at Ving's hair, and it's like rolling against Billy because Billy's holding it in his arms. And it's just like… We would love to be in of service if we can for a small price, but supply us with things we need for our further adventures. We'd be happy to attempt to quell the rotten rat rebellion. I would be happy to pay any price to see their dastardly lives cut short.

I would give you any fish that you require or desire. I would nuzzle you. I would sit on your lap for as long as you please. Do this, and you will have my undying gratitude and as many head bumps as you so wish. You are too kind. And gracious that that… We will destroy the rats! Ving said that in a human voice. Do we just take a job? Yeah. Okay. Fuck me. Hell yeah. All right. And Margum's like, what is happening? To the stores. Where are your fish stores? I mean, where's your fish stores?

Like the smoke house? Yeah. It's down by the beach. To the fish house. Down to the beach. I say goodbye to the cat. I try to steal him. You try and walk out with the cat? I do. He does not bite you at all. I put the mayor under my shirt. Okay. Give me a defy danger dexterity. Oh, I've been doing this. Cool. Wow. I succeed. Plus your dexterity? Nine. Okay. I see Billy doing this. I try and help. Stand in front of him. Bye. I distract him. Margum. Yeah. With muscles. Okay. Yeah. All right.

All right. 2D6 plus bond to aid Billy. Okay. 11. Oh my God. So Margum's just like leaning against the wall, really drinking you in. And what are you doing? And I'm like, I take out the book that I bought and I take out a pair of glasses that I stole from that store and I like put them on. And I'm like, Oh, this poetry is really making me feel introspective. And then I stare at the window. I take the glasses off and I like chew on the edge. And then I make my pecs and traps dance.

And her mouth is just hanging open. It's like, you like poetry. Sometimes I feel like I can't think of the word. I can't think of the word. I can't think of the word. I can't think of the word. I can't think of the word. I can't think of the word. I can't think of anything else to say. Could you, could you read me a poem? Do you think? Could you, could you read me one? I flipped the book open.

And it, the book says, um, the leaf of once cherry leaf and three hay berries shall produce a tincture for diarrhea or whatever. To, to produce tinctures to create diarrhea? It's unclear. Okay.

And then I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, There's a, Three worm leaf.

Really slowly as he's tiptoeing out the door. A pinch of worm salt. And the dust of sky iron. Creates a tincture for diarrhea. And she looks a little confused at the diarrhea part. And then I close the book and I'm like, feelings. She nods. Wow, you look like you are really in touch with your feelings. Feelings. Wow. So what are you doing? And Billy, you get to the door. Yeah, I'm just waiting at the door and the cat's squirming around a lot. But I'm still. Yeah.

We're going to go deal with your rat problem. Oh, okay. Well, I'll be here all day. Yeah, maybe I'll see you later. I mean, maybe you will. Yeah. And then I turn around and I… So the door is a pull, but I push it. And break. And then I… I am like, let's go, everybody. And I… Whenever it was that I turn around and I just like put it on the hole that's left. And she sees you rip the door off accidentally. And she's like, wow. And she's fanning herself. I'll fix that.

Don't you worry about it. You can fix it when you come back. Okay. Okay, bye. I don't know how to… I talked to these guys. I'm like, I don't know how to fix a door. And Billy has a cat now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Don't think you need my help with like rats. Okay, cool, man. We're gonna get some fish. I'm gonna get you some more fish. Oh, that'd be great. Free food. Yeah, hell yeah. Cool. Okay, bye.

Yeah, we'll stock up on a shitload of fish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go. And smoke, so it'll last a long time. And you get to the smoke shack. It's pretty big. It's like, for a smoke shack, it's like several chambers connected by like looks like mud tunnels that they've kind of made airtight so the smoke doesn't escape. But there's smoke pouring out of like little chimneys here and there. Okay. It's pretty big. Where should we start, oh, wonderful mayor?

I have spent many, many a day within the confines of my offices, my chambers, my mayoral estate. So I have not lain eyes upon the tracks of these beasts for days. You may have to cast your eye about for their comings and their goings. Well, does someone want to discern realities to look for rats? So I'm looking for rats because the mayor is talking out of my shirt. Well, uh, oh, seven. Okay, so you get one question. What's useful? What's useful or valuable to me?

Around one edge of the smoke shack, you see there's a little hole that's been chewed through the wood. It's really small. It's like maybe like toony sized. Yes, it's rat sized. I scurry up. I'm like, there. This is where they leave. Leave or go, I think. That's so funny because I imagine Billy's just like Greg from over the garden wall. He's just like, there! Yeah. This is where they go or come. Maybe. Just full arm gesturing. Like he's a detective.

Yeah, Billy twiddles his fingers inside the hole. What? Easy, Billy. He like wiggles them around. He's like rifling around in there. You guys are pervs. Oh, what? Didn't even think that. You can get bit by a rat. Yeah. Yeah. No, I was just like, why? He's like, here's where they come. There's where the dangerous rats are. And he jams his feet inside. Billy doesn't think well. Are rats around? Can I see a rat? No, you can't see a rat. You can see their tracks. I want to follow the tracks.

I want to get a rat and then mark it with the eye of a tiger and then follow, see where it lives, where the rat king is. Great. I love it. Give me a defy danger wisdom. Fuck yeah. Hey. Okay. So is this for eye of a tiger? No, this is for finding a rat. Okay. So it's Billy is got his hand through the hole and you're you're like patting or patting on the other side and you touch something furry. A furry. And I can say that again. No, that's very. A furry is great. A furry is so funny. A furry.

And Billy, you just like close your hand. Yeah. And you yank it back out and you got a. A little rat. Oh, small boy. Oh. What do I do with it? Hold still. And it's. He saw. It's flipping out. And you can hear. Then you can hear the rat going. Let go of me. Let go. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. We will let go of. I take it and I'm talking to him and then I. I want to use eye of the tiger. What does that do?

When I mark an animal with mud, dirt, blood or cum, you can see through the animal's eyes as if they were your own. No matter what distance separates you. Only one animal at a time may be marked income. I use mud. I'm not a pervert. Oh, my God. Yeah. So you. Take some dirt from the. From the ground and then I spit in the dirt and then I put it on the back. All right. So could you. Can I see. Eye of the tiger again. Eye of the tiger. You don't have to do anything. You just mark it.

I have to sing the song. Yeah. You see through the eyes of this rat. Oh, yeah. I don't have to roll. No, you don't have to roll. You can just see through the eyes of a rat. Go. Oh, rat. And it goes. Let me go. Yep. Let him go. And it scurries away. Yep. And it doesn't go back through the wall. Yeah. It runs off and you're watching it. It runs like on the edge of town and then it starts running through the town and then it gets. We're following it. Yeah. So you're following this track.

It goes kind of the long way around some buildings and then cuts through town. It goes under a building and then comes out the other side and it's dark for a while. Scary, scary, scary, scary, scary. And it pops up and you see an older woman kind of portly with braids wrapped around her head and she's like moving vegetables and the rat runs through her legs and she goes, oh, sorry, I'll get out of your way. And it runs into the back of the room and there's like cages full of rats. What the fuck?

In the back of this room. Yeah. Oh, my God. I think the vegetable woman, the Bavarian Leia is breeding or hoarding rats. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Yeah. We're going to go to the food store. Yeah. What's this place called? Vegetable Town. Okay. We're going to go to Vegetable Town. Vegetable Town. And then underneath a newer sign says plus cheese. Billy runs into the wrong store. It's just bongs. Sorry, Brody. Yeah. Brody's in this store as well. It's a separate store, but Brody's still in here.

Billy's still a little loopy from waking up. He's still high. Yeah. He also can't read. He doesn't know. Yeah. And yeah, you run into Vegetable Town plus cheese and the lady's there and she's behind the counter. She says, oh, welcome back here for some more samples. Yes. And I wink at the rest. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Resume what do you hand her uh nothing he's going like this and like gesturing his whole body yeah no it's employees only sorry I can't help you but I can give you some samples I'll pretend to know what the mayor's saying what's that oh the mayor says he has to do his annual inspection that's a cat darling I oh I see that your license has expired I really must insist that you leave you're asking the mayor to leave yes I'm asking the mayor to leave I cover the mayor's ears she goes who sent you the mayor sent us how did the mayor's a cat he doesn't know anything he's a stupid cat so then I asked the mayor tell me something about this woman that only you would know oh brenda your name is brenda yeah you could have asked anybody in town what my name is brenda was uh she was seeing gregum at the smoke shack you remember things ended poorly what happened at the smoke shack with gregum you remember anyone's being in the room besides gregum who are you gregum sent you no the mayor sent us I don't understand what you're what you're talking about please you must leave you must leave this is so tense that tuck is sitting behind the counter eating the samples and watching it like it's a soap opera you're just behind the counter yeah I'm I somehow got back there and I'm like wow wow high entry so wait so you're telling me that you're basically where you want to go and you're not doing anything I guess I did I didn't even know that you were doing anything and you're not doing anything and she's pushing ving and billy like out like you gotta go go you must go go right now sure we will go door go in the door and then I'm like oh yeah okay and then I go I turn around I open the door what do I see she hears you open the door no don't and there's just a bunch of cages of rats and they're all they're all eating artisanal cheeses what the fuck is this that's you you wouldn't understand I mean try us we've seen a lot of weird things I thought gregum was the love of my life uh-huh and all he cares about is smoking fish okay I thought maybe a romance novels I thought maybe if I could destroy his fish that he would he would have no choice but to find solace in my arms and your cheese and my cheeses and my fresh vegetables you don't understand just don't how you're gonna tell everyone aren't you no I mean why why would we like how did you how did you even get here fucking we walked no but how do you know about the rats who could know I've been so careful I told you the mayor knows the cat knows the cat knows she's just so confused our friend ving is a druid he has the ability to commune with animals oh oh oh the gills okay and look at these crystal hands I should have I should have connected the dots I'm sorry I was a little worked up about you finding out the darkest secret that I have it's fine we're not gonna tell anyone that you're hoarding rats in a cheese store like we're not gonna tell anyone but maybe just tell us what happened with you and gregum well it's like I said gregum and I we were together for two beautiful summers and at the end of the summer he would always say brenda I'm sorry I have to go back to smoking fish so the town has fish to eat and I have fish to sell and I would say gregum we can be together you can smoke fish at the same time and he said no and finally after two summers of being strung along by this little strumpet I'd had enough and I thought I could destroy his fish with all of these rats that I caught over a series of weeks as an artisanal cheese merchant it's pretty easy to to catch rats when you want they don't have much to eat in the in the on the beach so they come here to my cheeses and I just throw the cheese in a cage and the rats go in one after the other and eventually I had more rats than I knew what to do with more rats the cheese so I had to start feeding them another way and I thought the best way was with a little river and thus my plan was hatched what a fucking crazy fucking way to try and get your boyfriend back have you never been in love yeah like literally every day I fall in love with a different lady but and you've never tried to sabotage them in an attempt to drive them back to you certainly not no that's so unhealthy well hooray for you now can you get out of my are you gonna tell gregum no but do you want us to help you with gregum would you billy presses up we can make you we can make him love you again yeah billy's still outside he's been listening from outside yeah laughing through the window yeah we're gonna help him fall in love with you again there's just this little petty kid like pressed up against the window we can make him love you again she's like what and then everyone else sounds like what a weird day yeah like this sucks guy tried to throw a pig uh the mayor got stolen for some reason you would do that if you promise to get rid of the rats they are the enemy of the mayor all right this is a parlay man we're really digging into this okay I need a so the the thing is is we'll help gregum fall in love with you again but you got to get rid of the rats yeah we'll we'll be your sereno de bergerac so who's leading that billy I think billy's outside screaming in through a window no I think it's you okay okay 2d6 plus charisma oh yeah eight eight okay so on a seven to nine they need concrete assurance right now uh billy has a love potion no I I could make one billy screams I can make a love potion love potion that's a great idea wait are we not gonna use this book of alchemy is there a love potion billy probably can't make a love potion but I mean if you're trying to convince her that you can that I mean that makes sense okay yeah go for it I like billy lying and then we'll figure it out later okay she's like is that is that was what he says true yes you can make a love potion he has all these different poisons see and then I take a little bit of the oil I put on my tongue I pass he'll be like that for 15 minutes we hope yeah once she sees you use the what you say is a like a sleep potion she's like oh now now now I want this literally something I bought next we bought yeah and so tuck hits the ground but she's still talking to ving and she's like you know I want this to be clear I I I want grgan to love me for real yeah not because of potions okay but if you can help with a potion sure fake it till you make it okay that works on love okay but you're not gonna tell I'll get rid of the rats yeah like you can't just put them outside the town they'll come back and they'll be back and they'll be back and they'll be back and they'll be back and They'll come back.

Maybe… No, no, no. Hold on. Now, hold on. Now, hear me out. Hear me out. Do you think you could use like six cages of rats? I'm offloading them at an incredible price. I'll take them off your hands. Ving wants to deal with them. He doesn't want to kill them. Okay. He's going to convince them to go away. What if Ving's spirit animal ends up being 300 rats? Yeah. It's just so many rats. Most people have like a hawk. Or a wolf. Or a cougar. I've got 30 rats. Together, they're brats. My roommate.

I've got a bunch of rats I collectively refer to as brats. I'll walk around. He's slightly shorter than I am. Okay. She's like, all right. Okay. Okay. I'll be here. Is there anything that you need from me? Anything I should prepare? Some grilled cheese sandwiches, but new cheese, please. Okay. I can do that. That I can do. Okay. I'm so excited. And she goes back and she brings out six cages of rats. I'll take those. Okay. All right. Oh, I'm so excited. Oh, I can't believe it.

Greg, I'm coming, my love. And then she hustles off into the back room. To make us the grilled cheese sandwich. I guess so, yeah. In the rat room. She goes back to the room with all the rats to make grilled cheese sandwiches. She's laughing really hard because Sean said, I'm coming, my love. Well, you know. You just say it's funny. Okay. So you leave Vegetable Town plus Cheez-Its. And what's your plan? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Well, we're going to fucking track down Greg.

We're going to make a love potion. Yeah. Well, first we should find out what his deal is. Like why he doesn't want to be with this lady except for in the summers. And then, yeah, maybe we'll go back to the tent and see if we can make up a love potion with Perel in this book. Okay. Maybe he was hinted at her insanity. Yeah, maybe. The fact that she raised a bunch of rats to get revenge on him. Yeah. We'll see if we can convince him just with words first and then we'll make this roofie. Great.

So you presume that you could probably find Gregum at the smoke shack. Yeah. It's a smoke switch. Yeah. Let's head down to there. All right. So you head down and you… What's the smoke shack called? Smoke shack. But with two Ks. Cool. No E's. S-M-O-K-S-H-A-K. Can it be two Cs instead of two Ks? Totally. Can it be three Ks at the end? Okay. What? Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. It's two Cs and then Shaq has three Ks. No. Let's make it three. Okay. But they're not next to each other.

One fell off and it's on the ground. Yeah. I just go to open the door and it's a push, but I end up pulling. I rip the door off. Oh, my God. Oh, fuck. Smoke is just pouring out. And you hear somebody inside go, close the door. I can't anymore. Smoke's kicking out. Are you Greg? And this really tall, but super hunched over old man with really leathery tan skin. Holy shit. And a dark stained beard and hair comes out. And he's like, I'm trying to smoke a fish in here. Greg? Yeah.

Greg, I'm trying to smoke a fish in here. You smell like Unagi. Because I'm smoking eels in here. I got some eel. You got to close the door. Okay. We fixed the door. Give us. Yeah. Give us one. One second. And we get into a huddle. What language is he speaking in? And you just hear him back going, open, close the smoking door. Yeah. We can hear him like banging the door against the wall. Yeah. Well, this is confusing. Like, this is the person that she's in love with? Yeah.

But look at the person that he was in love with. They're meant for each other. Okay. We got to make this happen. All right. So we go back and we talk to him. Yeah. So, Greg, what do you like in a woman? I just like strong ties and nice broad back carrying stuff, smoking fish. What about on the inside? Tenacious, intelligent, horny as all hell. That's what I like. That's what Greg likes in a woman. That's what my daddy likes in a woman. I'm going to like my asshole Greg.

I'm writing all of this down. Tenacious, intelligent, broad back. I can barely understand. Well, welcome to Greg. He's smoking cigarettes. Yeah. He's smoking fish. He's got a little piece of fish that's on fire and he's breathing in smoke. He's smoking a fish. He's got a little piece of, he's got a tiny little anchovy sticking out of his mouth. That's burning like a cigarette? He packs sardines in a pipe. Yeah. And it actually smells really good in here. It does.

Gregum smells so good and he looks so rough. Yeah. He looks like he's been living in a smoke shack for his whole life. He sure does. And then I'm like, as I'm writing, I'm like, how old are you, Gregum? 28. Holy fuck. Fish years. 28 years young, you know why? Smoking fish. Yeah. Smoking fish seems like one of the roughest jobs ever. I thought mining was pretty bad. But it depends on how you smoke them. You smoke them right, it really fucks you up. Fish, all the fish last forever. Last forever.

Gregum, we want to help you with your rap problem. Oh. That dang rat's smoking all my fish. Smoking all my fish. He's eating all my smoked fish. I just try to stomp them out when I find them, but they're too quick for Gregum. Yeah, that's right. I plug up that hole, but the thing is, I plug it up with fish, rats just eat the hole and then I come back in. You're just feeding the frenzy, man. Yeah, have you tried plugging in with other things? Ah, it don't work. Have you tried? It don't work.

He's stubborn, we got it. Okay, so the list was thick thighs, strong thighs, tenacious, intelligent, broadback, and horny. As all hell. Yeah. As all hell. He narrows his eyes and takes a long drag off his fish. Okay, we can work with that. Well, Gregum, we represent the interests of an individual. I don't know why. I'm still wearing the glasses, so I'm pretending that I'm a lawyer. Wearing a loincloth and no shirt. Can you close your eyes and take them up slowly as you're saying this?

Yeah, I do that. And then also, I take the blanket that I got Billy, I've got it as a tie. So I just have a tie, loincloth, and a wearing glove. Okay. Gregum, we're solicitors that represent the interests of a very powerful client who meets all of these needs, and she is interested in engaging you for sexual activity and other. Oh, you know what I'm saying? I'm going to come back up old Gregum Street. Tell me about it.

And as an addendum to this agreement, we'll also arrange to resolve your rap problem. So, kind of a twofer for old Gregum, huh? Mm. Gregum's listening. Our client also wants a long-term relationship. Okay. That will last through the smoke season. Yes. Okay. Now, who your client is? We're not at liberty to disclose that at this time. Brenda. We're wondering what you- Brenda! Any slander? He goes back inside and he slams the door. Wait, come back. No, no, no. Tell Brenda. The door just falls.

All right, yeah. So he slams it. We just walk through it. It just falls down at your feet. We all walk over the door. What do you just tell Brenda? Don't work. It just don't work. Why? Different people. I love smoking fish. She loves fish. She loves what? Vegetables. Huh? Vegetables. Yeah. Oh my God. Cheat. Plus cheese. Plus cheese. She tried to get me to smoke other stuff. She tried to get him to smoke other stuff. Have you ever had smoked cheddar? Wow. No, you don't smoke cheese.

You smoke fish. I don't like it. She wants to smoke cheese. She can smoke cheese. Greg will smoke fish. He said, if she wants to smoke cheese, she can smoke cheese. Greg will smoke fish. I'm translating for Bill. Bill is nodding in understanding. Yes, okay. And as you're like walking in, because he's walking through the smoke jack, it's just like so hard to see. It's so smoky in here. Billy's maybe the closest. He's the closest to the ground so he can see the clearest. He's fine.

All these adults. Tuck has to hunch over. And you realize that's probably why Greg is all hunched over. Because he's like almost as tall as Tuck. But he's like hunched. And he's like, you want to build our own place. I have smoke cheese in here. Get all the cheese in my fish. Greg, do you live here? Or do you like? I like sleep somewhere else. Greg, I'm sleeping right here. And he points and there's like a little cot on the ground. Oh my God. Okay. You got to smoke.

You got to smoke the fish all night. You know what I mean. Okay. Well, I think we have everything we need. Does anyone else have any questions for Greg? What kind of activities do you like outside of smoking fish? I like fishing. Yeah. I like smoking. Yeah. Sometimes I smoke while I fade. Okay. Sometimes. Yeah. Every once in a while. Every once in a while. When I get a little bit of cat. Go down to Black Glacier. Watch some tetherball. What?

Every once in a while when he gets some cash, he goes down to Black Glacier and watches some tetherball. All right. Greg, what's your astrological sign? I'm a eel. That's fitting. With a turnip rising. Turnip rising? That's it. Oh. That's it. This is good. Hang the hang of it. Hey. He's getting the hang of his stupid accent. Yeah. It's hard to find somebody that's going to jive with somebody like that. So your rising symbol is a vegetable. Yeah. I don't like talking about it.

I don't like talking about that. That's a meal. Boom, boom. He's eating the cigarette now that he was smoking. Yeah. He's like nom, nom, nom. It's still hanging out of his mouth, but every once in a while he takes a bite. Like an old stogie. Yeah. Pulls it in. All right. It was great to meet you, Greg. Great to meet you, little buck. And he holds his hand out. Shake hands. Your hand's just oily as it comes away with smoke. Yeah. Good luck getting that smell off. I taste it. It tastes great. Oh.

Yeah. I go in to shake again. All right. Well, thank you. Thank you for coming back. We walk out and Megan notes and Billy's just like sucking on his hand. I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I'm making notes and Billy's just like sucking on his hand. Yeah. He will be in touch. He's here. You damn murder. No fucking way. Okay. Okay.

He turns away into the smoke and he disappears instantly. So it sounds like we're going to have to make a love potion. All right. All right. Let's see that book. Great. And then, yeah, so you guys head back to the tent. Yeah. And Perel's in there and Mears is back there and he's, Mears is relaxing. You can see all the dishes have been cleaned.

Clean billy he went through your drawer and he grabs some dishes billy is really upset what does billy do he goes to his drawer and he uh he drops the mayor in the drawer you still have the mayor and I storm back outside and I put my hands in the black sand and I come back and I write I try to write billy's room but I don't know like I know how to do a b and then I do a bunch of bees on it and then like slap my hand all over it and I draw a square around my bed and I look at mirrors like fight me fight me this is my room and billy's magic because he just went to he went and put his hands in sand but when he presses his hands against the thing it's like it's like charcoal basically he's so mad yeah my room so he's subconsciously using billy's switcheroo here so billy's there's now a section of the kitchen that's just so fucked up just just smeared with black the letter b so many times and like but because billy's a fae when we read it we're like yeah that says billy's room and also there's just a part of the kitchen that has now or it's like okay I guess that's billy's part of the kitchen we read it and we're like yeah that's billy's room we can't use that part of the kitchen anymore because billy sleeps there yeah we're not allowed inside of this section uh and and perel's kicking back on the couch and he's just reading a magazine yeah we all run in and we're like perel we need your help and he like drops his magazine like what what what it's not an emergency oh my goodness don't burst into the room and scream my name anymore remember when I was imprisoned by a mob yeah sorry what magazine was it it was a magazine where you're reading oh uh this is I guess one of morris's mud fucks it's mud affairs yeah I was gonna make it a wizard magazine he's like and he shoves it in the cushions because he was facing away from mirrors yeah uh it's a thaumaturgy magazine thaumaturgy now can I see it no well let me see only for wizards I saw it's a sexy one were you reading mud affairs it was just laying out I wasn't reading it it was here you're masturbating to it dude I'm wearing a full robe how would I do that easily what do you need uh uh thing is during this he's mixing up the the um aphrodisiac oh yeah and he's mere uh he's watching you perel's watching you like oh what are you uh what are you doing look at this book we got oh it's an oh yeah and he starts flipping through and he's like okay normal stuff normal stuff wizard stuff yeah he's this is an alchemy book yeah where'd you find this tuck I I got it from the general store it's like kind of like a traveler's shrine so people just like trade shit and I someone just left it behind oh wow this is incredible because the book that I have that you that you had that contains my memories I'm not an alchemist there's no alchemical information in here and I'm kind of relearning anyways but this is a great opportunity what do you need help with uh we have a book called the alchemist and it's a book that's called the alchemist promised a crazy lady that we'd help a smoked old man fall in love with her so it's cool they're both crazy yeah they're both nuts and they'll be alone forever if we don't do this for them okay all right well um so this is kind of our good deed for the month so you want to make a love potion yeah yeah out of this aphrodisiac how much do you know about love potions zip okay well I can tell you that love potions as they have been mythologized to exist are not quite as you kind of have to have feelings for someone already I think they both do okay all right well this could work uh-huh so here's the situation is for a couple of summers every summer they would date and fuck I think a lot yeah and then at the end of the summer this uh the guy that owns the smoke shack would be like no I have to go back to work so there's something I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I think did he give you any indication of why they wouldn't stay together he said that she she she she liked vegetables and he liked fish they're not fucking nuts they're not mutually like exclusive oh that was all the context he gave you that was it that seems pretty weak narratively huh you telling me okay well I mean uh he's like okay so they've had previous relationships and they haven't been a problem with each other and they haven't been a problem with each other and they haven't been a problem with each other and they haven't been a problem Let's all do this.

He likes thick thighs. He likes a strong back. Yeah. Tenacious. Yep. Tenacity. Yeah. He likes to be fucking horned up like crazy. Crazy, horny is all hell, I think his words were. He also likes if they're smart. Oh, right. Okay, yeah. I can see how that would be the order of importance. Brenda is most of those things. Also fucking crazy. Her plan to get him back was to hoard rats. Hoard rats. Yeah, it's pretty thin narratively. How many rats? Just like six cages of rats. A fair bit of rats.

They're outside. They're outside? Yeah. What are we planning on doing with the rats? I'm going to let them go. I'm going to convince them to bugger off. Well. No. Oh, come on. I know where you're going with this. We're not making rats. No, you don't. You're going to. I'm going to suggest we make rat people. I wasn't going to suggest it. I was going to demonstrate it. All right. Let's take a vote. The five of us. Okay. Okay. Who wants Perel to turn those rats into rat people?

Perel puts his hand up. No one else puts their hand up. Perel puts his other hand up. Perel puts two up like, come on. You're still outvoted. Okay, fine. Whatever. Do whatever you want with the rats. I don't care anymore. Anyways, I can help you with the potion, I think. Cool. Now, so you've got an aphrodisiac, which is a good basis. Thing's taking a little… Yeah, it works. Oh, it works. Give me that mag. Here you go. And he passes you Mud Affairs. And, okay, so I do need a little something.

What do we think he needs? Like, what's the missing bit? It could be a tool. It could be an ingredient. Like a magical ingredient that he needs? Maybe it's a bit of, like, something from them. Like a lock of hair or like a… Oh, yeah. Bit of their spit or… Totally. Well, he has oil from his hand. I have oil on my hands. Oh, he does. Wow. He has oil on his hand from… I mean, I was saving it for later. But I guess, like, we could use it now. All right.

We're gonna get so much smoke fish out of this. Okay. Tastes like gre… Greggum. Ugh. Gross. Gross. I assume this cheese has, like… It's imbued with her in some way. Hey, there must be something else. Maybe something else. I mean, oil that was in direct contact with someone's skin is different than, like, a cheese they were near. Do we have to go steal a hair or something? It wouldn't hurt. Ugh! I just… We walked so much today. I just laid down. No, I'll be strong. Okay.

And, I mean, if you're just gonna go… Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Oh, my God. She cuts off too much of it. Shaves her hair. She's like, oh, I'll give you anything you need. Does she cut off one of her buns? Yeah, she cuts off the whole thing. Holy shit. And you come back and you just dump a handful of hair in Perel's lap. Cinnamon bun of hair. It's like, wow. She must really like him. She's fucked. All right.

And the other one is just kind of some sort of smoking-bued, wiry skeleton man. Yeah, basically. We have got to do the town a service by making sure that only they are in contact with one another. When we went to the cheese store and Vic and I were waiting up front and Billy went in and he came out and he had her buns. Her buns. Like, both buns. Is this enough? I got them. Billy, did you ask for that much hair? No, she just gave it to me. Oh, my God. I didn't even have to tell her I needed hair.

She just gave them buns. Both to me right away. And he goes, okay, I think I can work with this. Oh, this is exciting. I get to do alchemy. Aren't you guys excited? Yeah. All right. How much time do you need? Who can say? And he scrapes off some of the oil off Billy's hands and puts it on like a little like butter knife. Like, okay. All right. And he kind of mixes up. He has a pot and he boils some water in it. And he throws.

He throws the aphrodisiac into a pot of boiling water and smells the steam and goes, fuck. Sorry. Jesus. Sorry. It's working. And then he throws in. He mixes in the butter knife with the oil on it and he throws in a bunch of hair and he mixes it up and he smells it again. He goes, nothing. Perfect. Like, he doesn't smell. He's like, it's not working on me anymore. Which means it's not working on me anymore. Probably will just work on them. Deal done. And he goes, okay. All right. Here we go.

And he puts his hand over it. And he does that thing where he starts like, you can see all the muscles in his body clenching. And he's like rippling his muscles and his face is crunched up and he starts sweating a little bit. And then the pot on the stove goes like. And like rattles a little bit. He goes. Okay. I think I did it. I think I did it. They should. If I am not mistaken. Fall perfectly in love.

While we were watching this, I leaned over to Vang and I was like, he gets so sweaty when he does magic. It's uncomfortable. It looks uncomfortable. And he turns around and he's sopping wet. And he's like, I'm done. He loves it. Like his white shirt is you see through. He's got a tattoo. What? What's his tattoo of? What is his tattoo? A lamb. Just a lamb? With a robe on? When I was a younger wizard, I thought that I would be into lambs. Frogs. Turned out it was frogs. Turned out it was frogs.

Who can say? Anyways, and he throws it into a mason jar, one of Vang's mason jars. He goes, all right. If you mix this in with food or drink. And they're near each other, their natural feelings for one another should blossom into true love that they cannot ignore. I think this will do it. Now, I'm kind of shaky on the details, but I'm pretty sure I nailed it. So here you go. Sweet. Do you want to come watch us do this? Well, does anybody have a change of clothes?

I can't go out in a magically animated robe. Yeah. It's pretty obvious. It's just a sign that says, I'm a wizard. Please imprison me for 100 years. Does anyone have extra clothes? I mean, I don't. I mean, if I'm not mistaken, you all wear the same outfit every day. Yeah, basically. Here, hold on. Blanket. I take. Yeah, I take the blanket that I bought and I just I strip all of his clothes off and then I wrap it around his like pants. There is gender area like a diaper.

And I'm like, what do you think? This is not going to work. Let's do it. Come on. Let's go. Nobody. Put a hat on him. Okay. You look like a fancy. Baby. He's he's he's pretty scrawny. He's pretty scrawny. He's got pretty tan skin, but he's pretty scrawny. And he's got a lamb tattoo on like his pec. It's just a little drawing of a lamb. Come on. Let's go. All right. Fine. Let's go. Let's go. Okay. And then. Yeah.

So Perel is like he gets the hat on his head and he looks at the diaper that you made out of a blanket. And he looks at all of you with your arms full of like food and a love potion and whatever other sundry bullshit you have. And he goes. Okay. Let's make these weirdos fall in love. And you head out. And that's where we're going to end it for this week. My name is Sean O'Hara. I'm your game master with me as always. Players Jessica Tai. So long. Abdul Aziz. Goodbye. Paul Oppers. Bye lovers.

Thanks to West Lord for the technical stuff. Thanks to Abdul for the editing. Thanks to Aaron Reed of Vancouver Sunday Service for our intro and outro music. Thank you to you for listening. See you next time. And so ends the tale of Adventures 3. Who tried the best they can. Though dumb and scared and lost they be. For time's abreast in revelry. And though our journey may be like a conclusion. We will not leave you without a resolution. Return next week. To hear some more.

Whilst you commute or do your chores. And for you I gladly spell no. No.

Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers have health, he shifts his shape, and wields a spear with great might Peely's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends, and listen close For the tale's about to start Welcome to Spout Lore everybody, I'm your Game Master Sean Welcome to Spout Lore everybody, I'm your Game Master Sean With me as always, playing Fat Billy the Halfling Thief Jessica Tai Good morning Playing Tacoma Dome the Barbarian Abdul Aziz Hi And playing Ving the Half-Elf Druid Paul Oppers Go fuck yourself!

Hey, energy up! Boom, early morning recording session Yeah! Early morning recording, Abdul and I were awake at 7am We have a lot of the residual bullshit that we're dealing with in our dreams That we are still working through Let's talk about it, dream energy, Abdul, what were you dreaming about?

I don't remember but I woke up with an erection Paul I was dreaming about Abdul with a big heart on Woke Up Classic And Jessica I didn't dream but when I woke up I saw Abdul sleeping on the couch and I was like, he has an erection Did you see my erection? No Okay But I knew it was there I saw somebody see my erection once What was that like?

They were turning and laughing And running back into their room as on the couch And I think we all know who that person is too which is really funny When last we left our heroes, they were reunited with the physical form of Perel And spent a little bit of time having some magical debates of various kinds They talked to Perel about the possibility that the Menders would track them down now that they have released them The only living wizard And Perel has agreed in an attempt to cover their tracks He resurrected Chamberlain and created Chamberlain's urge to cover for the party And created a fake box out of normal stone that looks like the Wardstone box And they have decided to hit the road to still follow up on a lead that the Menders gave them Yeah I think To go to the Halfling Lands We're going to that We're going to the Halfling Lands eventually but I think we're gonna stop at a vacation down Yeah somebody's going to like volunteer at a church but they stop off at a playground first Yeah well and also there's apparently a tram of some kind that you can catch in Crystal Bay That goes straight to the Halfling Lands Yeah We're gonna spend all our money on it And that is where we meet up with everybody So Tuck, Vang, Billy and Mears are riding the cart pulled by Francis the Woolly Pig Who happily trundles along On a muddy road And after a few uneventful days of travel with Perel sitting snugly in the fanny pack Wrapped up around Tuck's waist Uh yeah maybe I have it in the backpack Like where the box used to be Wear it Yeah I have it in my backpack Oh he's wearing it like a millennial it's strapped to his like torso No I'm not It's strapped crossways across the front No You're wearing it like a babysitter I don't wanna do that He keeps his phone and his credit cards in there Fuck you guys Why do you have more than one credit card Tuck?

That's dangerous And he keeps his airpods in there Cause he doesn't want- he keeps losing them It's like his third pair Fuck Really costing him a lot Yeah and after a few uneventful days of travel you exit the more thickly forested section of the Firefields Principality that you've been traveling through And uh you come out of the trees the sun is shining and before you lies the sea of graves Steely stormy water stretch off the trees You come up to the horizon And spaced out evenly massive stone pillars rise up into the clouds Woah This is the first time I think most of you have seen the sea of graves at the very least for a long time Billie you've never seen the ocean before right I've never seen it You've never seen the ocean No it's so spooky What's spooky about it Billie All the pillars all the stones How far away are the pillars from the beach a few like two miles maybe oh I thought they were like right there no not right there I'm less scared now I mean you can still see them and they're still really big do things live up there are we spelt luring oh yeah sure yeah somebody give me a Spout Lore 2d6 plus intelligence eight all right on an eight with a Spout Lore I give you something interesting it's up to you to make it useful uh there are many stories about the pillars of the sea of graves some say that they rise up into the clouds and beyond that they just rise infinitely those people are stupid a lot of people do think that that's stupid yeah um but there are stories of things that make their homes at the top of the pillars past the cloud cover and some say that further in the pillars vary more widely in height and there are stories of ships uh being attacked from above by great beasts that nest at the top of the pillars or being uh dragged underneath by things that swarm out of the pillars as people are pretty uh wary of traveling within them the stories are hard to confirm yeah cool yeah the pillars are part of uh the the religion of the flame oh are they yeah okay yeah let's let's tell me a little bit about tuck's knowledge of the of the religion of the flame they say that the pillars are were created by the lord of the flame to trap a sea monster that lives underneath like a sea serpent like so it tangled them yeah in the pillars does tuck believe that uh yeah sure it's like it's like one of those things that like people always said when you're a kid is like hey don't go to the sea of graves or else like the world serpent will get you like it's like and then it's like it kind of just becomes like an idiom it's like hey world serpent will get you yeah if you're like getting too drunk at the festival they're like uh world serpent will get you and then it comes deep in the sea of graze and then it just becomes like an analogy for like bad fate or bad luck is like the world serpent druids believe that the beasts the great beasts on the top are are born of the runes that are carved by ancient druids oh are there runes on the on the pillars yeah some people that have gotten closer to the pillars have said that there are things carved on them yeah whoa yeah and there's uh meant to be a lord of beasts above on one of the pillars fuck yeah they kind of control control some of them they think cool that's that's one of the tales ancient tales does ving believe that ving uh yeah wants to believe it yes he doesn't believe much but he wants to believe a lot what is what has billy heard about the sea of graves pillars or the sea of graves in general the halflings believe that thunderbirds live above the sea of graves and they they create storms yeah oh maybe the thunderbirds are the reason for the storms in the sea of graves okay yep so I bet the halflings at home are probably really thinking about the thunderbirds right now with all their rivers topsy-turvy maybe the thunderbirds are angry with them for some reason yeah do they have do they do sacrifices sort of ritually kind of they can't they can't they can't sacrifice but they will offer their harvests to the waters any sort of yeah it's like I imagine it being like we can't kill an animal but like we'll leave like a bowl of milk or honey ear of corn and yeah yeah killing an ear of corn exactly drip over the yeah they get their beats and they do that and everyone's like whoa look all the blood flowing into the river it's just everyone's just like yeah pretending they're like that's fun or halflings think that we're halflings think that we're halflings think that we're halflings think that we're halflings think that we're all full of beet juice would billy ever take those offerings yeah he'd go back for sure no like when you were living there and hungry and like homeless like would you like yeah no especially because like usually the whole town would have to gather for a sacrifice over there yeah by the river and like you know families will talk for a bit and leave and then billy just waits it out and he goes into the river and eats whatever they threw in um um I saw somebody throw an ear of corn in there.

I'm going for it. Cool, yeah. And so that's what you're all thinking about when you see these massive pillars stretching off into the horizon. So do the halflings think that all waters are connected? Yep. So that's why they're like, oh, the storms in the Sea of Graves must be affecting the Wittershins and the Sunwise? Yeah. Cool. I love them. Yeah, I'm excited to get to the halfling lands. It's pretty sweet. But first, Beach Party Summer! Hashtag Hot Girl Summer. Hot Summer.

And Mears is just sitting next to you as you're all thinking about these stories that you've heard wide-eyed. I've never seen anything like this before. What have you heard about the Sea of Graves? Oh, it's spooky. It's all spooky stuff. I heard that if you die on the Sea of Graves, your ghost wanders all waterways for the rest of time. Whoa. I heard that the pillars are actually prisons that hold monsters.

I heard that there's one big whale that lives in the Sea of Graves and that every once in a while, somebody sees him. And if you see the whale, it means that you're going to be famous. Can you keep doing them as we're walking down? What? Yeah, there's a big whale. The Whale of Graves. It's going to make you famous? He makes you famous. If you see him, you become rich and famous. They say he's a chunk of one of the pillars that broke off. Yeah. Oh, that's cool. I'm going to tell people that.

He's made out of stone. He's a stone whale. That's pretty cool, huh? That's pretty cool. And he's just chattering away as you're riding down the coast. Wait, have you ever seen the ocean? No. Thing, have you? Not this ocean. I've seen the ocean, the frozen north. Oh, yeah. Part of it, but I haven't seen the Sea of Graves. Do you guys want to go in? Okay. Yeah. Do we? Do we have time? Well, I guess we're not on a schedule, are we? No. Is it dangerous? Is it? Is it? Parole.

Is this how we call him now? He has to get out of the bag now. Well, I'm just going to go in. I don't need anyone telling me which way and what or whatever. Going into danger without a plan. Let's go put our feet in the water. All right. Yeah. And you ride down to the beach. And what do we think the beach at the Sea of Graves looks like? Is the sand just sand colored sand? It's the same colors of pillars. Yeah. Cool. Cool. Yeah, because the pillars have been there for eons, potentially.

So the storms have worn the surfaces of the pillars and then sand will slough off and then go to the beach. All the beaches around that ocean are black. Sweet. Yeah. Yeah. And as you get closer to the coast, the land clears out. It gets pretty flat as you get closer to the water. And then it's just… Yeah. The blue grass. Blue grass. Yeah. There's blue grasses. Yeah. There's a dude sitting on the edge just playing a banjo. Yeah. Yeah. The blue grass.

The blue grasses give way to black sand beaches. And there's just black sand stretching along the coast on either side for miles and miles. Are we alone or are there other travelers? There's a couple people here and there, but not many. They're not fucking Panusians, are they? Yeah. I'm going to beat their asses. Yeah. I like that we're all racist now. Now we're all areas. No Panusians. Just travelers, like regular people. And there's a town a little bit further down the coast.

So you think some of them are just villagers. Oh, cool. Yeah. Oh. I'm running in the water. I will also run in the water, but at a much slower pace. I run in the water, but I've taken my loincloth off, so I'm completely… Of course. Billy covers his eyes. He keeps running. Runs into the ocean. Billy's running with his hands over his eyes. Yeah. Slowly running. And Mears is hustling along behind very trepidatiously. And you're all just kind of kicking it. And the water now? Yeah.

It tastes weird. Yeah. Where's the water like? I think it moves not just like regular waves. Like it doesn't just move like a tide, like pushing you against the shore. It kind of tugs you around in different directions. Like there's weird like cross currents and stuff? Even close to the shore. It's like you're being pushed towards the shore, pulled away side to side, kind of around. Like it feels like you're feeling multiple currents and tides at once. Like it's not responding to the wind? No.

Whoa. Yeah. Cool. And you have a very weird, when you look at the pillars this close, especially when you're touching the water, you get this kind of weird numb feeling almost. Like some part of your mind is smoothed away. Bing puts his head under and breathes deep through his gills. Whoa. So cool. It's been a while since he's soaked up. And new waters allows him to study the essence a little bit more. Oh my God. Oh. Oh. Oh. So he's. Getting in that. So what. Yeah.

What form is Bing looking to be able to take? He's not. He's just. He just wants to commune with the sea of graves. I think he's just about getting vibes these days. Look at the danger room. Yeah. Trying to pick things up. So he's just breathing it in and seeing what it feels like. And it feels very ancient. Oh. Yeah. Oh yeah. What do you. Yeah. What do you. Like is there anything that Bing is trying to accomplish or is it just a vibe? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Bing is. Would love to see one of the Thunderbirds. He would love to see one and possibly meet the Lord of all Thunderbirds. It's fucking sick. Yeah. It's fucking sick. It is very cool. I'm trying to see if I can have a better sense of where the Lord of the Thunderbirds is in the sea of graves. That's what I'm asking of the. So. So. Basically. Communing with the sea of graves to get information. Yeah. Yeah. Of some kind. That sounds like a communion of whispers.

So could you give me a 2D6 plus wisdom? Okay. Communion of whispers with the sea of graves in my gills. Oh yeah. Seven. On a seven to nine. The vision is unclear meaning murky. Sorry. The vision is unclear. It's meaning murky. The vision is unclear, which means murky. So the water is like a murky kind of like a, kind of like a little shitty, like a little like brown and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a little brown and stuff.

And then you look over, you realize Billy still has diarrhea. It's in my gills. It's in my gills. He's washing it off. Yeah. Billy's cleaning himself in the sea. That's so funny. Like we're like, we're like kind of like splashing around and we look over and Billy's like 20 feet away and he's like, God is wet. You know that thing where kids like dunk their butts in the water and he's like looking into the distance and we're like, Billy, are you taking a shit? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. But he doesn't count on the weird tides here. So it's just like, like an oopy ball of poop coming towards us. Poopy, oopy. And the cloud of the diarrhea, thanks to the strange currents, forms symbols of strange meaning. Billy is surrounded by runes, a ring forms, and a light pours from the circle and disappears. Billy, you need less iron. I'm sorry. I do like the idea that that's a thing. I'm sorry. I do like the idea that that did happen.

Billy had wicked diarrhea and then like you just saw a bunch of runes, but because he can't read, he's like, weird. Oh yeah, that's a little trippy, man. Well, I'm going to go. Hey, that one looks like a dog. See ya. See ya, poopsie. Yeah, I'd cry with that. You can make cartoons out of your shit. Yeah. It's like child's play. Like Alpha Getty or Dunkaroos. Don't eat your poops. Bye. Dunkaroos is a good name for shitting. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Dunkaroos. Yeah.

Got to go Dunkaroo. Yeah. And we're just like, Billy, you can't shit in the ocean. Why? It's then I'm clean too. I know, but there's other people in here. You're like, but I'm clean. And we're all like knees down in poop. Yeah, you're clean, pal. I mean, keep in mind, the Thunderbirds are a myth. Yes. As far as Ving's concerned. He's never even seen one. He's trying to see if it maybe isn't. But you open your side. You're like, I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't.

I can't. I can't. I'm just trying to see if it maybe isn't. But you open yourself up to the spirits in the Sea of Graves and you feel this ancient weight. The spirits here are ancient and knowledgeable and their essence is heavy with the wisdom of ages. It's kind of acting like a bit of an antidepressant for Ving at this moment. He needed this. Yeah. It's like a rebirth for his depression. Cool. Right. Because he spent so many days contemplating. He's like, I'm going to die. I'm going to die.

I'm going to die. I'm going to die. There's a woman. Since he left the spiritual world. And your eyes cloud over with this vision that the ocean bestows on you. And you are flying. You see the pillars. You're soaring in between them. Your mighty wing beats pounding against the currents of the air and the cloud. And you tip up and you start flapping through the cloud cover and just iron gray clouds all around you.

And just before you crest the top of the cloud cover, your vision returns to normal. Heading through thick cloud and you can see it being light. Just about to break through the light of the cloud. Damn. Yeah. But something Ving is pretty certain of now at least is Thunderbirds are real, at the very least. Or the spirits, at the Sea of Graves, were trying to trick you, but you don't think they'd do that. Whatever. Trick away. That was awesome. Guys, I tripped hard. Yeah, that is kind of the vibe.

It's that Ving just got high. And I'm dancing back. I'm like, Thunderbirds are real. Splashing, splashing. Thunderbirds are real. Thunderbirds are real. He's so excited and dancing around in circles. We have no idea what you're talking about. I'll do the same. Always get in. Thunderbirds. Thunderbirds are real. I saw them. Billy's just flapping around saying, Thunderbirds are real. Thunderbirds are real. Yeah. And he asked what they look like. I couldn't see. I was the Thunderbird. Whoa. Yeah.

Billy has a new respect for Ving. It's a new bond. Erase it. Billy has a new respect for Ving. No, we'll do that next time. What did Tuck want to know? So I wanted to kind of like, because I know Billy is magic, right? And one of the things that Tuck is concerned with now is like being like, oh, it's like Billy's magic. I'm going to kill him. Remember? Whereas like, Perel's like, I don't know what the effects are going to be.

So I kind of just wanted to like, as we're at the beach, like close to the Sea of Graves, I wanted to see if like the water or the beach or anything is responding in a strange way to Billy. Yeah. Or if like his presence here is like changing something. So do we get, we get Perel out, right? Would we use Perel for this? Or would I just, do a, you could do a discern realities. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Yeah. We could do a discern realities. I think Jessica is going to give you some answers though.

Oh yeah. Sure. I'll do my best. So yeah. All right. 2d6 plus wisdom. Whoa. Damn. What's my wisdom? It doesn't matter. Plus one, 12. I got 12. So you get three questions from the discern realities list. Sick. So three. Ugh. Whoa. So it's two hang loose hands and a tongue on the microphone. And you know, it makes sense that you get a, a 12 on this. You're basically just watching your kid play at the beach. Yeah. And you're like, what's he doing? Yeah. I'm like, I'm standing on the beach.

I was like, that's great. And then I noticed that he's shitting. I'm like, Billy, don't do that. I'm not. He keeps doing. Every once in a while, like I'll see him walk. And then like, I'll see him look around surreptitiously. And then slowly. Dunk. Like, Billy, just don't do that. Get it out. But it's like a netty pot for his butt. Just get it out of your pal. That's what big is. Yeah. Just let him let him. He needs to. Billy's going to anyway. Yeah, exactly.

Figured I were on the shore watching mirrors and Billy. It's just like, no. Yeah. Yeah. Mears is, he took his boots off and he rolled his pants up to like mid calf. So he can walk in the water. And every time, he sees Billy. He goes, ah, and he does that. Like slap, slap, slap, slap, slap. As he's like kicking up high above the water to run away. Yeah. Also mirrors is very excited to be swimming around. Cause he used to love swimming. And then he lost his arm and he hasn't been able to swim.

Yeah. His arm. And he's trying to get, he's still, he's still having a little bit of trouble. You can see, cause he's swimming with a limb that's made out of metal and wood. Yeah. So he's like, well, I could dive better. I can dive better, but it's hard coming back. Back up. That's for sure. You get three questions off the discern realities list. So yeah. What happened here recently? What is it about? I'm not kidding. Abdul, pay attention, please. What? This isn't even me. Is it? Yes. Oh yeah.

I succeeded in the role. Let's move on. Oh my God. Okay. So just so we understand the situation, Jessica is going to be giving you answers to these discern reality questions because it's what Billy's doing at the beach. And if the, the beach is reacting to him at all. Okay. Okay. And I'm just going to roll with whatever answers Jessica gives. Cool. So what happened here recently? What is about to happen? What should I be on the lookout for? What here is useful or valuable to me?

Who's really in control here? What here is not what it appears to be. Now, not all of these necessarily have to apply to Billy. Cause the beaches on the sea of graves are sort of well known for having a lot of weird detritus wash up. Cause there are so many ships that crash in the pillars that, that people find interesting things on the beach. Uh, so that might come into play, but there's no something actually that you notice is there's no driftwood like zero driftwood. Huh? Yeah. That's weird.

It is weird. And the trees stop long before they get to the beach, but you'd think that wood would wash up at some point from somewhere. Yeah, but it don't. Huh? Yeah. I guess I am kind of just doing a general discern realities about this area. Yeah. And also being like, is Billy okay? He keeps having diarrhea in the ocean. Um, can actually, can we do, can we do a thing where I asked Billy two of the questions and Perel one question? Sure. Yeah. Yeah. So I've like, kind of like set up the tent.

Yeah. As Billy's been playing in the ocean and like, I've just like, it's just, yeah. And you've been learning to set it up in a way that's not overly suspicious. So it's not just like a fanny pack. That's the size of like a pocket book that whips out into a huge tent. You set it up and it kind of just looks like a regular tent. Okay. Cause I mean, it's a magical artifact and those don't really exist. So you don't, you don't want to draw too much attention. And there's other people on the beach.

Yeah. There's a couple of people here and there and on the roads and stuff like that. So you just want to be kind of, kind of careful. So just don't drag your like enormous pig into your tent in front of people. Oh, right. Francis is there too. Yeah. Francis is, he's padded up to the edge of the water. He doesn't like it though. Cause it's, it's saltwater. He doesn't want to go in saltwater. Poor Francis. And he's getting kind of warm cause it's sunny on the beach and he's covered in hair.

Billy's getting warm too. Is it warm? I imagine it being like, kind of like, cause the storms, like it being kind of, is it, I guess I imagine it being really windy. Uh, but it could be hot wind. Yeah. Sand holds that heat. Oh, cause it's black sand. Yeah. Super hot. So it's like just super hot wind coming off of the waves. So Francis went down onto the beach and padded around a little bit and was like, and then walked back up to the grass. Like he doesn't even want to be on the sand.

Things set up the vestibule for people who want shade. Oh, the tent. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. The, yeah, cool. Then Francis is like nosing at the, the opening of the tent. I'm sitting there. I'm like, no, stay out. He's trying to push, but he's really strong. Yeah. He's like trying to push past you. I'm like smacking his cheeks. I'm like, no, I'll put you in the danger room. Slapping his cheeks. Like, no, stay back. And he's like, oh man, I love this stupid pig. Uh, okay. Yeah.

So that's, what's going on right now. Um, yeah. So I'm, I guess I'm sitting in the, uh, stabula of the tent. Uh, and is Perel, Perel's inside. Yeah. He'll be inside. Yeah. So I look, I look at Billy playing in the waves and I'm just like watching him for anything. Mm. That is an indication of like something strange with his abilities. Mm. So I'm just like, what should I be on the lookout for? So what's Billy doing right now? Uh, Billy's, uh, done shitting and he's just, he's waiting.

He's just waiting around to try to clean himself off. What? And how do we think that Billy's, uh, natural magic might be interacting with the strange waters of the sea of graves? Um, well, the water, he wants to see what's under the water. So there's like light coming out of his hands and like, there's a little glow in the water. It reflects off some like little stones in there, like sea glass. Oh, phosphorescent. Yeah. And he's picking them up.

Oh, so he's trying to pick up sea glass at the bottom and to make it easier. He's brightening the water around his hands. He doesn't usually do this. No, he did it in the pool. He was able to cast that magic beam using the crystal. Cause the water of the pool was like letting him do that, right? The water and the crystal. It makes it easier. And the crystal, the, maybe the sea glass is little bits of crystal. Yeah, maybe, but the water is making it easier for him. Oh, okay. Yeah.

He's doing, he's doing just, just a bit more magic than he's usually able to. Okay. Yeah. Cause Billy can't do the light very easily without it. So is there like magic in the water then? No, I think the water just strengthens what I have. Cause I feel comfortable in the water. What? Yeah. What does it feel like when you go, do you feel like stronger or do you feel, I just feel comfortable like, cause it's hot out there. And so, but the water is like not as hot. It feels like a warm bath. Uh huh.

And so he's just cozy. Nice. I mean, that makes sense if, if, especially if Billy's all about comfort, like the fact that whenever he's more comfortable, he's better at magic. Yeah. Is the water warm to me? Probably not as warm. Like it's a deep old ocean. Yeah. The water's always perfect for Billy. Yeah. It's always like Goldilocks temperature. So like Billy is splashing around in it. Like there's nothing. And then I go to the edge and I'm like, Oh yeah. Yeah. It's cold. Yeah. It's chilly.

No, it's not. It's good. Warm. It feels like a nice little tub. Okay. Rub a dub tub in the tub of love. Rub a dub tub in the tub of love. He's just on his back, kicking around, like singing to himself. Jingling. Yeah. That was like a motel that we passed a little while back. The tub of love. Yeah. It said rub a dub tub in the tub of love. And Bing was trying to help him read. He was like trying to teach him how to, and he's like, okay, read that sign.

And Billy's like, uh, rub a dub tub in the tub of love. And Billy has not stopped saying it for like three days. Rub a dub tub in the tub of love. It is driving us fucking crazy. It's driving us insane. It's a pretty good earworm though. Bing has it too. That's so fucking funny. Rub a dub dub in the tub of love. For three days, Billy's just been like, rub a dub dub in the tub of love. People are like, you gotta stop saying that. You have to stop saying that, Billy. Fuck.

Are you talking to Perel about this kind of stuff? Yeah, I guess we're kind of just sitting in the vestibule. Yeah. And Perel is watching Billy do this, like lighting up the water and pulling things out of it. And he asks you when you fought the water monster that killed Bing, Billy, uh, exhibited some pretty intense magical ability in the pool. Correct? Yeah. He made like a magic beam of like something to kill that dick monster. And he had, he had those crystals with him. Yeah.

He had the, I think he, yeah, he had the crystal with him and he was capable of similar magic in the spirit world, which is a whole conversation unto itself that I would not even try to have, uh, with somebody as little with his little magical knowledge as you. Are you fucking serious? It's an academic thing. I literally broke you out of an unbreakable prison. Are you fucking talking down to me right now? I'm not talking down to you.

I'm just saying that if I need to talk to somebody about smash, smashing something, I'll absolutely come to you. The neck beard of this guy. Fucking shit. I feel like you're maybe taking this the wrong way. Like if he with us right now, I don't know. Yeah. What? He's in the sun just outside. Yeah. Just setting himself next to Francis. Yeah. Um, he's like, I, I look, I didn't mean any of it. Anyways, the point is, is that with the crystals, Billy seems capable of much more versatile magic.

Also, it seems like in the water, he, he's, yeah. Yes. Uh, this is something that maybe I want to pursue with Billy, with your blessing, of course. Yeah. I mean, we trust you because our magic might not be as dissimilar as I thought at first. The energy of wizards, the Thalmic energy is just a, it's a fuel source that we can use to power frog people. We got it. Yeah. We know your amazing magical abilities of making angry frogs. Yeah. Your whole thing is like, Oh, look at me. I built a frog.

Doesn't feel good. Does it, Peral being talked down to? Just watch your two dude. Rub a dub, dub in the tub. It's just something that I think that maybe we should pursue because the, yeah, the Thalmic energy fields that wizards have can be used to power big frogs, uh, amongst other things. Whereas, uh, young Billy's more innate fairy magic allows him to affect the natural world.

And the, in ways that he finds enjoyable, but he might be able to use it for other things with the proper training and the proper tools. Well, the question I'm using is what, here's not what it appears to be. And I guess that one's for, for that one's probably for Perel. So he's like, so the crystals were destroyed following your return from the spirit world, right? Oh yeah.

We don't have any of them anymore, but Billy's capable of similar, the less powerful versions of the magic that he was capable of with the crystals. So what, what has he acquired recently that might be making this easier for him? Oh, the ring Chamberlain's ring. Oh, and Perel like kind of rubs his chin, like, Hmm, not, uh, sarcastically, but he's like, cause it seems sarcastic. He goes, Oh really? The ring. You think, but he says, you know, Chamberlain was made of magically resonant glass.

That could be, part of this puzzle. The glass that Billy's carries with him could be making magic easier and being on vacation. Nice and relaxed, extreme emotion of some kind, whether it be contentment or a fear for the lives of his loved ones seems to be the key. Yeah. And then the last one is, uh, for Billy, who's really in control here. I am. I mean, yeah, that's a fine answer, right? Like it's like, there's no outside force. Exerting on Billy. Like Billy's just coming into his own.

That's totally what I, what I'm worried about is like, cause the, with what happened in the pool, it was like an uncontrolled force. I guess that element of control is something that I'm worried about with Billy is like, is magic able to control him and make him something else? Or is he in control of it? And he just looks so fancy free, like kicking it in the beach. Like he can turn off the light. He can turn it back on. Beep, beep, boop. I see him doing that.

Where he's just like, yeah, cause he's like, I think I see a big shell. There's an even bigger glass. So he drops the smaller glass and gets the bigger glass. As he's reaching out to the glass, all the other glasses collected has fallen out of his hands and he doesn't even think about it. He's just like, Oh, big one. Uh, and Perel at watching Billy does that. He does mention magic is not a common thing anymore and it's something that people don't trust. So.

Maybe have a conversation with Billy about being a little more subtle with his magical abilities. Hmm. Maybe you have, have that conversation. Yeah. We leave the magic talk up to you. Yeah. Hmm. We don't like to discipline our Billy. Yeah. Very much. We have like kind of a free range parenting model where we let him do his thing. You see him pooping in the ocean. Yeah. Yeah. You've got a real Montessori style rearing technique. And then we yelled to Billy. Great job, bud. Thank you.

I'm done now. You want to come out? Do you want a cheese sandwich? Yes, please. I, um, I've so, wow, it's so hot here. The ground. Ah, get in the tent. And he just waddles up and mirrors heads in after him. Like I'll make some lunch. And that's how you pass the next couple hours is making food. And then gathers up some of the sea, grave sand and water in a jar. Jesus. Hell yeah. He's like a scientist. Yeah. And now he's got unlimited liminal energy. Yeah. Yeah.

He's got a whole space to keep Mason jars in. And he's excited about that. Yeah. Oh, uh, has anybody, do you guys want to maybe explore, try and explore the fanny pack anymore? No. Are you just happy with the way that it's too beautiful? Yeah. This Perel asks us that literally every time we're in there. Yeah. I've been, uh, I've been thinking maybe we could try and deal with the danger room scenario. Blah, blah, blah. You can do it if you want, but I took a good look. Eh. I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm not touching that danger room. Very well. We'll keep sleeping on Shay's lounges then. Cool. Wonderful. I love being back in the physical world and sleeping on a small couch. And so you guys have lunch and. Spoiled brat. What a piece of shit. It's like we're living with like, A prince. Yeah. Like a French aristocrat. Yeah. That's exactly what I was going to say. Or like he used to know the prince.

I used to know the prince, you know. Yeah. He's like an old, he's like a boy. Yeah. He's like a butler almost. Like a fancy butler that likes to talk it down to regular people. I'm sleeping in a drawer of dishes. I didn't know there was dishes in there. I figured at least tablecloths. There's tablecloths, but he also did put a few cups and bowls in there. Some forks. He put dishes in there? Yeah, he did. To sleep on? No. Well, he just like, anything he has or uses, he leaves in there. Yeah.

Yeah. There's a bunch of like used plates in there that he won't let. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you pack up later on and you continue down the road. Is there any shops along the beach? I want to pick up some stuff. Oh, what are you looking to pick up?

I want to buy some more poultices and herbs. You guys want to do a shopping? Okay. You said there was a town a little way down the road. Yeah, okay. A small little beach shantytown. Yeah, you camp out. You basically get there at the end of the day and you camp outside. Is that what you've kind of been doing lately now that you have the tent? Yeah, any kind of area that's sort of off the road that we won't be disturbed in. Yeah.

So you do that at night and the next morning you get to a small town named… Little Sir. Little Sir. And there's a painting next to the sign that says Little Sir that's like a little cat with a hat on. And it's kind of… It's waving hello. What kind of hat? Like a bowler hat. It's a little cat with a bowler hat. He's like… Black and white striped. And he's waving. Oh, like this guy. Who's this? No, that's on the sign. I know. Who's this? Do you ask somebody? Yeah. Who are you asking? Us.

You guys, do you know who this little… Is this the mascot that says? Is this the mayor? I think that's its name. I just point to Little Sir. Little Sir. So has Billy been learning to read? No, I don't know what it says. I just assume… That the words next to the cat are the cat's name. Who's this Little Sir? And somebody passing by has like a bundle of firewood. And they're like, well, that's the town mayor. Holy shit. Oh, my God. Little Sir. The mayor of Little Sir. Come on in.

Take us to him. And he's like, well, I mean, you'll find him in City Hall. Why is our first move to always talk to the mayor of whatever town we're in? That's not a normal thing for travelers. Hey, where's your mayor? Hey, we need to talk to your mayor. We're mercenaries. Why? I don't know. We're just kind of drifting through. It sort of seems to work out for us. But there are various shops. There are shops opening in Little Sir. And there's townspeople moving about.

It's got like a real beach town kind of vibe. Because the sand, like it goes right down to the beach. Some people live on the beach. Some people live on the grass. It's not huge. Is the town mostly like kind of a tourist town? Yeah, it seems that way. This time of year. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're not really sure what the industry would be. Because there's no trees that close by. Are the monsoons? Still happening? Are we still in monsoons? No, monsoon season is sort of past. Okay.

Well, the monsoon time has passed like for this chunk. Okay. Yeah. There's a lot of artisans who make glass. They melt down the sand, the black sand. They make black glass stuff. Oh, cool. Yeah, there we go. It's a glass blowing town. Yeah. Yeah. That's their main industry. Does black glass use this sand? I think Paul, at least when we talked about black glass, was talking about how it's called that because they use a lot of obsidian. Yeah. From the like thermal volcanoes and stuff like that.

Okay. But that's… This stuff. But there's also black sand and the black sand makes black glass. Yeah. Yeah. Does it make obsidian? It doesn't make obsidian obsidian, but it makes black glass that is very strong. It's like… Yeah. It's like a false obsidian. Yeah. It's like a man-made obsidian. Cool. So you see a lot of like glass bottles hanging from doorways and pipes and jars and stuff like that. Mostly bongs. Mostly huge bongs. So everybody's got a real like, what's cracking, bro?

Everybody's pretty chilled out. Yeah. Pipe leaf isn't legal here, but it's decriminalized. And pretty much everybody sells it. Yeah. It smells stinky. Smells like old Bill's house. Yeah. Old Bill. Yeah. Wasn't that the name of the guy that looked after Billy? Yeah. Yeah. That tracks, I guess. The kind of guy that would just pick up a magic kit in the woods and adopt him is a stoner. Totally. Yeah. So what's your plan? There's like stores opening. How much are poultices and herbs?

They go to the herb store. There is an herbalist. Okay. And they are open. What's your name? My name? Brody. Brody? Yeah. You guys looking for some herb? We'll just poultices. Oh, you just need like healing herb? Yeah. Sick. Tight. We got that. Cool. For sure. Can I have four? Four poultice? Please. So how poultice? I'm looking at the dungeon. Yes. I'm looking at the dungeon. I'm looking at the dungeon gear sheet right here.

And it'll be normal price because they have access to all the stuff that they need for it. Let's see. It gets two uses per and there are 10 coins each because it's just like big bundles of herbs and jars and stuff. Is this economy? It sounds like it's a shit ton of herbs because it's one weight as well. Oh, you guys cool with this? Yeah. I'll buy four. Yeah. Just throw it in the cart. We have 400 coins. It's kind of like you just bought a brick of hash. Yeah. Yeah. Brody.

Brody comes out with like a bail. Hey, here you go. Smells like skunk cabbage. This is some of the dankest healing herbs that you will ever need. Okay. Thanks, bro. You can really get fucked up in a pinch. No, I don't need to. Okay. This is sort of for the office. Yeah. Okay. You guys like to party? This is a fucking kid. I'm not talking to the kid, bro. I'm talking to you, bro. Talking near the kid. Okay. Hey, kid. Turn around. Okay. Hey. You guys like to fucking party? No, we're good.

All right. We're okay. Well, if you do like to party, you come find your bud bro. I'll take one. All right. Does he buy acid off of him? No, he gives you halfling pipe leaf. Nice. It's five coins. You get six uses. Oh, fine. Cool. The last time we smoked weed was in that mayor's house in Mudlark. Brody's like, don't smoke weed in this mayor's house. I'll tell you that much. He's so small. It affects him real bad. We're not allowed to smoke in the mayor's house anymore. Hey, Brody.

Yeah, little guy. What's this? That is… This is what you do to us all the time, by the way. That's true. Oh, that is an all black glass rendition of my girlfriend, Viola. Yeah, it's like abstract. And you can smoke out of it. No, thanks. Hey, Brody, what's this? That, like, look at it. That's a home… You guys ever heard of Tetherball? Oh, yeah. It's like a tight game from somewhere. They played in black glass. Huh. Oh.

And that's like a little, like, home version of the glass figurine that you have to smash. Oh, cool. They're really hard to smash, though, because the black glass is so strong. Can I… What do you do when you're looking around? You look around. Discern realities? Yeah, I try to discern realities. About what? I don't know. I just want to take something. I want to have something, because I'm jealous. Are you going to steal something? Yeah, because I'm jealous that Brody excluded me.

So when he made you go over to somewhere else, you stole something? I'm looking at all the other things. Oh, you know what's great? What? Because this is an herbalist, so there's probably some tight poisons in here. Sweet. Yeah. I go to the aisle that has, like, the skull face with the X's on it. Oh. And I'm like, Brody can't tell me what to do. I'm going to take… I'm going to get some dank weed, too.

I feel like since you're just in a store looking around, you don't really have to roll discern realities. Okay. You can comfortably get the four poisons that are on this list. Cool. But you're going to have to roll the steel one. That's for sure. I'm going to steal oil of Taggett. Oil of Taggett? Oh, cool. Cool. So oil of Taggett is a poison that makes… Makes the target fall into a light sleep. Oh, cool. Okay. So you're going to roll, what? Tricks of the trade, probably?

Because that's your, like, stealing shit move? Sure. Cool. Do it. 2d6 plus dexterity. I only got five. So Billy is rummaging. Everything's in jars, glass jars. And the most deadliest one is, like, an inch out of his reach. Oh, no. The most dangerous one is an inch out of his reach? Yeah. But he's going for oil of Taggett? Yeah. So you grab this jar, and you pick it up, and you tip it back without thinking, and the lid comes off, and you just pour all this oil right on your face. And some…

It gets in your nose and your mouth and stuff like that. And you're just like… And then you are asleep. Oh, no. Like, you hear, like, a crash, and Billy's… You come around the aisle, and Billy's just lying on the floor covered in oil, dead asleep. What's happening? He looks dead. What is this? Oh. Oh, no. And he, like, Brody runs up. And he gets really close to the super dangerous poison that was right next to oil of Taggett. And he's like, oh, okay. That's great. What's great?

What the fuck is happening right now? He's… Cool out, man. Cool out. He's not dead. He's not dead. I can tell he's breathing, you idiot. What is happening to our friend? He is merely super fucking asleep. Like, way asleep. How long is he going to be asleep for? Well, I mean, one drop will usually knock somebody out for, like, 15 minutes. And he poured, like, a liter on his whole shit. Wow. So, hmm. That's not great. He's going to be asleep for a while, is what you're saying.

He could be asleep for… I don't know. I've never seen anybody take this much. He could be asleep… Oh, no. It's usually a thing that you do if you, like, have trouble sleeping. You put, like, a little bit in some tea. This is, like, the worst possible… Like, medical situation where the medical practitioner's like, I don't know. I've never seen this before. Yeah. Doctor, what's wrong with me? You know, I've taken some time to look at it, and I've come to the conclusion, fuck if I know.

And Brody's like, the good news is I've probably got some shit that can get him out of this pretty quick. The bad news is… And he starts doing that thing where he rubs his thumb on his forefinger. Just to… Tell us how much it costs. I mean, I could get in a lot of trouble, too. Stop dragging it out. Oh, my God. Just say the number that you're thinking of. 100 coins. Okay. How about this? I'll beat the shit out of you, or you get him out of this. Oh, yeah?

You're gonna beat the shit out of me? Yes. Okay, which one is it? Where is it? Where is the one that'll wake him up? Why would I tell you that? That was a good try, though. What kind of negotiation is that, bro? I said 100 coins, and you said, how about you just tell me how to do it? Hey, don't look at where it is. His eyes are wide. His pupils are, like, vibrating in his head. Is Mears just somewhere else? Mears saw a cooking supply store.

He saw, like, a little market, and he's like, oh, I'm gonna go get some stuff for dinner. This is gonna be great. Can we cut to Mears for a second? What's happening with him? Mears is, like, looking at bell peppers, going like… He's just, like, squeezing peppers and sniffing them, like… He's saying that… Yeah, he's saying that… He's got two… Yeah, he's got an orange pepper and a red pepper, and he's slowly moving them together. And he throws them in a basket.

Is he pretending that one of them's Cam and the other's him? And he goes, yeah, he goes, and then he waits for a second. He thinks for a second. He goes… And he says, I told you I'd see you again. Yeah, yeah. He makes him kiss and goes, I told you I'd see you first. And then he, like, he looks at the… There's, like, a big older lady standing behind the counter looking at him, like, you okay? But she's got the look in her eye, like, mm, you got a little lover back home, huh?

And he blushes, and he throws the peppers in the thing, and he runs down another aisle. Cut back to… I'll fucking destroy your store and kill you if you don't get rid of this thing. Yeah? Well, guess what? I believe that you would do that. Yeah, and I have the axe in my hand, right? Well, think about this. If you fucking kill me, he'll be asleep forever. Okay, can I roll to intimidate him? Yeah, of course. Yeah. He's not just gonna be like, okay, fine. So it's probably defy danger charisma?

Or a parlay, I guess? What about war cry? When you enter the battle with a show of force? No. No? Okay. That'd be like, if you were outside town, you're like, I'm gonna beat the shit out of Brody. And you kicked in the door, and you were like, Brody! But this is more like, I'm gonna kill you. It's unfortunate, because the fighter does have a move called intimidate that would be very useful for Tuck. What about my love for you is like a truck? When you perform a…

A feat of strength, name someone present whom you have impressed, and take plus one forward to parlay with them. Yeah. So you gotta do something fucking nuts. Okay. And you're gonna have to roll for it. It's gonna be a defy danger strength. But you gotta… No, don't just roll. Tell me what you're doing. It's a feat of strength? Yeah. Okay, here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna walk outside and pick up Francis and walk inside and be like, I'm gonna fucking throw this pig at your fucking store if you… I'm gonna throw this pig outside the door. Yeah, you can't get inside with Francis. So you're gonna be standing on the street. Brody! I'm gonna throw this fucking pig. I'm doing this on the street. I'm yelling into the store. Okay, okay, okay, okay. But you gotta roll for it. You gotta roll for it. Okay. Eight plus two is ten. There's the boy.

There's the strong boy. So what, you just go up to Francis, get underneath him, and heft him over your shoulders? Yeah, pick him up. This is… Insane to watch. Yeah. Because, I mean, Tuck is a monster person. Like, he's seven feet tall, five feet wide, but he literally just picked up a hippopotamus. Just cords… The cords of his muscles are bulging. Veins are popping out all over his body. Yeah. And you're screaming in exertion. Yeah. And I'm like… The name Brody. Brody!

You're gonna have to have an accident! Have to. And I say that to myself. Yeah, have to. Because I'm not good at thinking… Of this kind of stuff on the fly. Yeah. Or maybe you will! For sure! If Billy doesn't wake up in the next ten seconds! And Brody's like, what are you gonna do? Wait, did he just ask, what are you gonna do? Yeah. When I had a pig over my head? He literally said, you're gonna have to have an accident, or maybe you will for sure.

Like, he doesn't understand what your threat is. It's gonna be bad! So I have to roll the parlay now, right? Yeah. Because that was… So parlay, 2d6 plus charisma, and the leverage is, I'm gonna throw this big ass pig at your stupid store. So roll, yeah, roll the parlay, 2d6 plus charisma. You get a plus one. Five. So that's six. Plus charisma… Is two. So that's… Seven. Eight. Eight. Sorry, yeah. Okay, yeah. He looks back at you, Vang, because you stayed in the store, I assume.

Yeah, I'm with Billo. Well, Tuck went and did his insane shit. He's like, is he gonna throw that big pig at my store? I don't know on purpose, but it looks like you might be having an axe wind in. I can't have people throwing pigs in my store. I'm already on such thin ice with Lil Sur. He does what he does. He's just worried about his friend. Look, I just… Can you give it to us for a cost? I mean, yeah, I gotta replace the oil, right? Your little… Fibering at the front door. Oh, there's…

It's really hard to keep this up for this long. Francis is kicking his legs. I'm smacking it and I'm like, fucking stop it. Stop moving around. Go rigid. He's like, okay, okay, okay. That was a lot of oil. You understand that? Yes. That's a lot of pig out there. I just like… And I don't wanna… I could lose my license for giving a bunch of oil at Taggett to a little kid. Sure. Okay. We can keep it on the DL. Okay.

So if you don't tell anybody and your friend gets the fuck out of here with that big ass pig, what is that thing even? Francis is a woolly pig? I mean, he looks pretty sick. I'm gonna look up woolly pigs later. Right here, buddy. Right here. Okay, look. Here's what you gotta do. And from outside I'm like, they're also called Meyerhawks. That's a great name. Okay, here's what I'm gonna do for you. You take the kid. Yeah. Give me 20 coins. Okay. And just give him…

Get him to chew on some of that. That pipe leaf that I gave you. Okay. Yes. Here. Thank you. 20 coins. Okay, get out of here. You get out of here, you little scamp. Just get out of here, man. I'm freaking out. Tell that guy to get that pig out of here. Hey, get your pig out of here, bro. I don't know what's happening. Did we reach a deal or something? We got a pretty good discount, bud. You can put Francis down. What was the discount? Down to 20. Okay, that's pretty reasonable.

And then I would just walk down the street with Francis. And yeah, you just grab Billy and drag him out of there? Yeah. When we get back to the tent, Ving is wringing out Billy's clothes and getting some of that oil of Taggart. Oh, yeah. I guess he… Nice. So that he actually did get some. Yeah, that's true. So Billy has some oil of Taggart now. Three uses. Sick. Because he poured a liter on himself. So there was a little bit left over. Is Billy having any dreams right now?

That's a great question. What's Billy dreaming about? Billy is back on… On the farm. He just finished eating a storage of yams. A storage of yams? It's not a big storage. It was just like a crate. A small crate. Just a small crate of yams. But it's like nearing the end of the spring. So there's not a lot of yams left. But he ate them all. And Billy knows he's in Trubb's. Because they weren't even… They weren't even old Bill's yams. They were someone else's yams.

So he's hiding behind one of the grain silos. Because one leg Bill is screaming out. Because he saw that his yams are all eaten up. And he's like, I know it's you, fat Billy. You can't hide from me that long. And Billy is going to piss himself. And then that's when the grain silo… It just sets on fire. Oh, whoa. So like a little Tinder stuff? Starts next to Billy. And Billy's like, oh no, oh no. And so he starts blowing on it. Trying to blow it out. But it gets bigger. And he's like, oh no.

And then he starts fanning at it to make it go away. It just goes up the legs of the grain silo. And he's like, oh shit. And then you see like around the corner of the barn. On your side of the grain silo. One leg Bill pads around with his tiny little leg. And he sees it burning. And he goes, Billy, what did you do? Yeah, he looks at me in the eyes across the flames. And I'm like, this was an accident. I'm so sorry. And I start spitting on it. But it's not enough.

And then you see the face of skinny Bill. And he goes, what did you do? And you see the face of old Bill. And he looks sad. He said, what did you do? Yeah. And then… Fancy Bill. Fancy Bill, who's got a monocle and a top hat. Short Bill. What did you do? And short Bill's like, what did you do? And like the ladies too. Like Fancy Bill. Fancy Bill-o-mina. And regular Bill-o-mina. Two-legged Bill-o-mina. So Billy's just surrounded by these faces of, what did you do? What did you do?

What did you do? And that's when you start coming to. And you're looking up into the face of your good friend thing. There's a big ball of leaves in your mouth. He like starts to cough them all out. He's got a little bit of tears in his eyes. And you wipe them away. Yeah. Because I'm a strong boy. What'd you do? Huh? What's going on? I don't know. Nothing. How do you feel? What did I do? You poured a bunch of shit in your face and made you fall asleep. I'm sorry. That's okay.

You guys weren't supposed to see that. You guys weren't supposed to see that. I'm sorry that I stole, but in my defense, you weren't supposed to know. Yeah. In my defense, I wanted it. Okay. And that's where we're going to end it for this week. My name is Sean. I'm Sean O'Hara. I've been your game master. With me as always, playing Fat Billy the Halfling Thief, Jessica Tai. Bye, everyone. Tacoma Dome the Barbarian, played by Abdul Aziz. So long. And Ving the Half-Elf Druid by Paul Oppers.

Uh-huh. Thanks to Wes for all the technical work. Thanks to Abdul for all the editing. Thanks to Aaron Reed for our intro and outro music. Thanks to all our Patreon supporters for supporting the show. You can do that at patreon.com slash spoutlore or spoutlore.com slash money, please. We got him up there. Yeah. Hit us up with an iTunes review if you feel like it. It really, truly does help. And if you don't feel like it, do an iTunes review instead. Yeah.

If you don't feel like doing an iTunes review, maybe just mix it up. Do an iTunes review. Yeah. If you don't want to do an iTunes review, try a five-star iTunes review. If you don't want to do a five-star iTunes review, give us $5 on Patreon. $1 for each star that you would have done had you done a review. Plus a review. And then do an iTunes review. Find us on social media. Spoutlore most places. And we'll catch you next time. Bye-bye.

And so ends the tale of adventures three Who tried the best they can Though dumb and scared and lost they be For time's abreast in revelry And though our journey may be like a conclusion For time's abreast in revelry For time's abreast in revelry For time's abreast in revelry We will not leave you without a resolution. Return next week to hear some more whilst you commute or do your chores. And for you, I'd gladly spout more.

Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers have health, he shifts his shape, and wields a spear with great might Peely's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends, and listen close For the tale's about to start Hey what's crackin' everybody?

Hey what's crackin' everybody? Hi, I'm your Game Master Sean O'Hara and this is Spout Lore With me as always, playing Fat Blade the Halfling Thief, Jessica Tai What's up? Playing Ving the Half Elf Jessica just dabbed She dabs so much now I was gonna say yeet, and I didn't know how What the fuck is yeet? Like you yeet it somewhere Yeet is like, as far as I know it's just throwing something?

We're all too old for this I like that you looked at me I don't think that's I have no idea what this is supposed to mean But you have the best skin out of all of us That's why The youngest person in the room is almost 30, so we don't understand youth culture anymore Who's the youngest person in the room? Me Jessica You're not 30 yet?

She's gonna be 30 in October Sobtober Sobtober That's what I'm doing this year To change it up from every other day of your life Yeah I'm gonna do heroinvember I'm gonna do heroinvember I'm gonna do heroinvember I'm gonna do heroinvember I'm gonna do heroinvember And playing Ving the half-elf druid Paul Opbers I'm flossin' Woo! Yeah, floss He's doing so poorly I'm never flossed You've never flossed?

Jessica loves to floss She doesn't have time with it Shit Sitting down, wow I mean, it doesn't work sitting down Is this worth it for us?

Yes, yes, yes, yes what it's so smooth natch natch natch throwing a dab wow that's my wife everybody well done thanks uh and playing tacoma dump the barbarian abdulaziz hello never be embarrassed for flossing it's great when last we left our heroes they had arrived at the vault fucking finally wow four seasons two years yeah and they're here at the vault and things went bad right away and then good I think and then kind of good I guess uh the well on the road we explored the fanny pack yeah which is a forever tent and you sort of took some time to make it your own billy sleeps in a drawer in the kitchen area now um francis the uh water pig what are we calling this that woolly pig I've also been calling them in my head mire hogs oh yeah like pretty good because they're just like swamp hippos I love it I also saw a video of a hippo recently where they do that threatening thing where they just open their mouth as wide as they can I was thinking about francis doing that his big ass tusks we found a room that billy determined was full of terrible creatures and we put a sign on it called it the danger room yeah which is very alluring makes me think of the x-men and I want to go in it I know right and I mean maybe you could just bust it open who knows but make friends with a monster according to yeah I mean well you tried yeah being attempted to commune with the spirits and was met with the empty void of the liminal space pretty heavy got to the vault you met you overcame the magical security measures surrounding it uh and you met chamberlain the keeper of the vault who is a stained glass golem and they demanded the box you went back and forth for a little bit refused and the box was destroyed by tacoma dome with his spirit axe I gave perilla test to see how he would react to being handed over finally and he reacted in a way that tacoma dome approved of yeah yeah he didn't freak out on this yeah he was just like I could have done so much yeah more than we can say for fuck you it was just like give me the box yeah well no and then he freaked out afterwards yeah oh yeah totally yeah yeah he he started shattering and the shards became spooky and he snapped little baby billow's arm the last straw my little arm and then perrell turned chamberlain to sand and now now perrell is here chamberlain is dust and that is where we join our heroes at this moment in time standing in the vault perrell the wizard standing above a pile of multi-colored sand the billy with a snapped arm and perrell stands in front of you his hand slightly raised following the enchantment he used to turn chamberlain into dust and his whole body just starts to sag it looks like he's about to fall over what do you do oh I catch him and he just slumps into your arms he goes oh oh oh oh I'm so I'm so sorry I'm so sorry and he kind of forces himself to stand back up why are you apologizing you literally just saved all of our lives it's just um and he's flexing his hands physical bodies are uh it's been a long time it's been a long time how did that come out of the box how did what come out of the body did it come out of the box I don't know did you see it I didn't see it I didn't see it I was nearby then I was here I I I wish that I understood how the process worked but now and he sort of gestures at the pile of gravel that is what used to be the water and he's like oh my god I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry stone box and ving is gathering it into a mason jar are you gonna are you keeping all that yeah what yeah hey prel yeah hi you're shorter than I thought oh yeah you are shorter than you appeared in your projection am I yeah you look like a substitute teacher well I mean maybe I goosed myself up a little bit during the projections and you can see that he's like balder than he made himself look just a little bit he's a little scrawnier and he does have that he does have like a shitty mustache like a wispy one kind of it's not as full as you'd think he would expect it to be like there's but he's got scruff on his face and there's parts that are just like blank yeah it's kind of are you looking at my own face I'm just describing your facial hair yeah it's pretty bad it's rough you can tell he made himself look a little bit better are you are you married to that mustache oh and he like touches his face I haven't needed to shave in so long so well you should pick up a razor for you next time we're in I'm sure I can find one thank you okay do any of you have anything to eat oh you're hyperglycemic I am hungry for the first time in almost a hundred years well I mean uh it seems like we always have granola with us wait hold on what happened to billy oh this and billy's arms just hanging shit billy yeah I don't it's weird I don't feel anything and then I just fall over okay yeah oh jesus I'm making a splint wait a second and like he looks at mirrors who's just standing nearby like wide-eyed and shaking staring at with his hand like that and he's like oh I'm just like oh I'm just like oh I'm just like oh I'm just like on the hilt of his sword he says quietly to all of you what have you done I think that's obvious it's a wizard yeah but he I don't know he you understand that they were gonna lock him up forever right yes that was explicitly what maggie asked you to do yeah but I need to do and all of us that was the point of all of this are you scared of the authority I'm afraid of wizards certainly they destroyed the world that's the story you've been told what if that story is you're scared of the authority I'm afraid of wizards certainly they destroyed the world that's the story you've been told what if that story is true I'm scared of the authority I'm scared of isn't the whole story and it may be the one side of a bigger story and he starts like breathing really hard like oh no oh no we're all this is so dangerous we're all gonna they he what are we and he's like he's panicking I reasoned his pocket and break his cell phone in half so he can't call but genuinely like he's starting to have a panic attack and we're like mirrors mirrors mirrors relax it's okay perel has saved our lives more times than I can count he saved your life too sure he took mine once yeah he did kill vang one time but he saved us more times than he killed vang that's right it was just one time so take all the times that he saved us and take off one and that's the number of times that he saved us so we vouch for him we vouch for him perel's like enough enough we can this can be dealt with later we need to we need to tend to to small to little billy here yeah I'm on it splinting up well I mean it's a broken arm it's gonna take it's gonna take some figuring for sure but I just want to make a splint yeah oh yeah you can make a splint thank you I did it yeah I'm not oh jesus do you have like a poultice we can put in the splint no I spent all my pulses on his sagatsuka oh yeah and perel is like oh uh sorry food somebody have something to yeah I rifle through billy's adventure and give him some grits and he eats a little bit and then he just shoves the rest in his mouth so fast like oh and he goes nuts on the granola like oh I love food I forgot how good food is wonderful um so and he throws his hands out you freed me there is now for the first time in a long long time a wizard in the world even now my thalmic field is likely emanating out from me and imbuing the environment with magical energies that it has to do with the world and I'm like oh it's a lot it's it's the truth sit down be humble yeah when you say sit down he puts his hand behind him and the stone of the floor starts bubbling and smooths up into a stool with like a high back on it and he just sits down on this stone chair is that is that how powerful wizards are yeah this is specifically what we're talking about in this episode we're talking about how powerful wizards are and we're talking about how powerful wizarding is and we're talking about how powerful wizarding is and we're talking about how powerful wizarding is and we're talking about how powerful wizarding is and we're is good at he's a transmutation wizard okay so he's good at changing the forms of things so he took the frogs and he turned them into bollywugs he can take things and turn them into other things well can you maybe do something useful and uh fucking fix billy's arm take a broken arm turn it into a good arm oh and he claps he's like oh I'm sorry I'm still getting used to the idea that I have magic again okay I can definitely give it a shot and he goes up to billy and he he very gently grips billy's arm and closes his eyes what what sorry is it that he very gently grips yeah yeah a lot of romance novels lately he um he closes his eyes and billy you're jolted out of your shock by a warm feeling in your arm and the pain that you were experiencing just a few moments ago uh starts to dissipate and it feels like the bone in your arm is healed wow what he fixed me no shit yeah check it out I give him a high five and he high fives you oh I haven't high-fived anybody in so long how are you feeling billy give me a little one nice ving comes up behind me gives him a hug oh I love hugs it's been so long I feel so powerful okay you're popping your peas on your power here yeah this guy's a little wide-eyed it's just it's hard to explain just the energy coursing through my body right now all right buddy raining in sorry in front of billy talking about the thalmic fields that you're emanating you're talking about the energy coursing through your body you're talking about it in a near sexual way I just have no other way to describe these you should try and find another way because it's making billy feel uncomfortable it's making him feel uncomfortable and I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm You're making me feel uncomfortable.

Yeah. And you're so breathy about it. I have breath again, though. Yeah. But keep it in, you know? Yeah. And also, like, Tuck, I've already seen it all from you. I don't show you everything. Well, you don't think you do. I've already seen it all. We saw your taint. Perel, Froze's brownie nods a little bit. Just play it cool. That's a great point. Yeah. I am a wizard, and I'm alive. But I am only one wizard. And I'm a very specialized wizard at that. You sure are, bud.

And this one, and he points at Mears, represents an organization that wanted to imprison me forever. And he's on our side? Yeah, Mears is cool. Is he? Yeah. Mears, you're cool, right, bud? I mean, he's cool in, you know, a way that he's not cool. He's not cool at all in any way. Look at him. He's got cargo shorts. That hair is fucking awful. He can only cook, which is great. But he's not really cool, you know? You wouldn't put him on an album cover. So we can trust him. Oh, yeah.

To not run off and alert whatever organization you've been in the employ of for however long. Mears, can we trust you? Hi. This seems wrong. Do you trust us? Yes. Well, yeah. But this is a wizard. This is explicitly what the menders do not want. Yeah, but, like, how do you know that all wizards are bad? It's just what I've always been told. Yeah. It's what you've always been told. So you don't know for sure that that's true. And Perel has helped us a bunch of times. He's been an okay guy.

Someone's going to need to make a role to, like, convince Mears that this is okay. Because he's… Like, on the edge of bolting. So is Tuck trying to convince him? Yeah. Yeah. Give me a 2D6 plus… Is this, like, a parlay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or is this just a straight… Like, I've gotten down on one knee. Like, I have my hand on his shoulder. And I'm like, look, it's a fucked up thing to do to imprison someone for eternity. And that's what Maggie was asking us to do.

And if she was an okay person, like, if she was a good person, she wouldn't be asking us to, like, do that. She would at least be taking care of me. Take care of it herself. And all we've seen from Perel is that he's helped us. So… Eight. Plus what? Charisma. Ten. Ten. All right. Unmitigated success. Mears takes a deep breath, looking into your eyes as you have so gently made this friendly connection. Letting him know that you're only doing what you think is best.

And he nods and goes, I'm willing to give it some time. But only because I trust you guys. Thank you. I don't trust him. Any points of Perel. Well, give him a chance. Just give him a chance to earn your trust. That's what I've agreed. Okay. I'll give him a chance. But I am… Can I have the fanny pack? Yeah. And I give it to him. And then I go over to Perel. And I do the same thing where I get down on one knee. And then I pull him down to my level. Uh-huh. And I'm like, Perel?

Well, Mears has helped us out a lot. Mostly with meals. But can you give him the same courtesy that he's giving you? Of… Will you trust him? Of giving you a chance. Well, I think he's… I think he's made his choices quite clear. What? And he points, like, over away. And Mears has, like, walked further away into the vault. And you see him just throw the fanny pack on the ground and unflip it into a tent. And he goes inside. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Billy. So Billy pads after Mears. Yeah. You go through the tent. You find Mears in the extra dimensional, like, living room. And he's just clanging around in the kitchen. What are you doing? I'm making some food. Why? I'm stressed out. This is what I do when I'm stressed out. I'm cooking. Do you want anything? Do you want some help? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That would be great. That would be great. What should I do?

Well, I'm thinking about making a…

Frittata so if you can find like a I don't know like a like a bread pan sort of thing like deep pan just anything I look in my drawer yeah you've been sleeping in a bread pan what about this I hold up my bed you keep bringing random things that aren't even like cooking utensils what about this that's a bowl yeah there's a salad bowl and a bread pan there is chopsticks there's some of the small kindling from the fire there's my blankets there's some hairs that francis has shed that I've collected tell me what in here you want I'll take this and he grabs the pan great choice and he just starts whipping up some food like he's just making a egg thing he's like bill you trust this perrell I trust him with my life he taught me some of the things I know including magic and he kept us safe and he helped us bring thing home so I like him a lot he's like a an uncle I never had and a teacher I never had and uh mirrors is like you you know magic kind of like small amounts really yeah you want to see some yes yeah yeah okay I'm gonna grab the hairs oh yeah yeah yeah what's in a frittata what do you need uh like a pep like peppers I don't know what pepper is but I'm gonna make something else jerky so you're doing billy switcheroo yeah oh my god I failed I got six so what happens what happens to these hairs so I was trying to turn them into chives uh they turn into worms no I don't know no that's fine yeah if it's these three hairs and you're like I've got it and then they the hairs turn into worms and billy goes and like drops them you still want them oh no see this is what I'm afraid of what the worms oh my god magic it's just it's unpredictable and it's dangerous it's not dangerous just grow up and I walk away whoa mirrors is just like left standing in the kitchen and perel is with the two of you ving and tuck and he's like so what now huh and we did it you freed me yeah we're here you made it to where you were supposed to go this whole time we did it we did it everybody it doesn't really feel like that much of a climax right I guess not yeah let's try and I mean let's try and make it feel like a bigger thing okay all right okay I'm alive again I was dead for a long time yeah we've all huge deal for me it's fine okay here's my thought billy yeah billy's got a handful of worms uh if you guys are hungry mirrors is making a frittata and I'm gonna do a little bit of a!

I'm gonna do a little bit of a! I'm gonna do a little bit of a! I'm gonna do a little bit of a! A little bit of a! A little bit of a! A little bit of a!

You I don't know he's just upset but I'm upset so I'm gonna go over here why are you holding a handful of worms I try and make something and it didn't work out and I just have these worms that's okay billy takes the worms outside he just goes up and starts burying them in the ground yeah this is your world yeah be free you were once hares but now you're worms uh but yeah parell's like so what are the menders coming for you is this going to be a problem I don't know man really didn't ask that we were just told to bring you here yeah they didn't really they're not good at communicating they're not good communicators can they find you yeah they have our blood your blood yep and this is like a magical means of tracking the three of you I guess so they found us in high spear presumably mirrors uh yeah they could probably find mirrors too I mean honestly even if you didn't have mirrors as blood and a magical means of tracking them you could probably find them pretty easily clang clang yeah god damn it that's hot so what was your plan after you left here I I leaned over to him and I grabbed on the shoulder like plan very well understood I just fear that if it were to get out that there's a wizard alive that it could go very bad for me very quickly and I could end up back in one of those boxes or worse I'm not immortal I'm I'm easily killed okay just as easily stabbed to death as anyone else with flesh and blood okay well then just be low-key about it that's fine I can definitely try I it would be possible for me to to suppress my the energy field that all wizards possess but it might be easier to to carry on as if nothing had changed what do you mean I mean as long as mirrors doesn't let the cat out of the bag so to speak for all intents and purposes you delivered the box to the vault right huh yeah but won't they know that chamberlain's dead yeah chamberlain's dead the box is smashed great point and he reaches down and he puts his hand above the pile of multicolored sand that had been chamberlain a few years ago and he's like I don't know what to do with it I don't know and he's like I don't know what to do with it I don't know what to do with it I don't know and starts to raise his hand and the sand starts to heat up and glow and melt back into panes of stained glass and as he raises his hand the body of chamberlain reforms and the light inside starts to flare back up and you can see parell scrunch his face up as the light flickers and chamberlain's lead-lined face starts to like grimace in sort of the angry aggressive face that you saw when he was trying to kill the three of you whoa what are you doing just what this is a second parell's like wait no no he then he puts both hands up and he's like and the the light stabilizes and the lead-lined face of chamberlain relaxes and the sand like has shot out of the mason jar that bing had stuffed a bunch into just destroyed free yeah but you said you buy them by the dozen yeah for a price and parell's face is scrunched up he's just like shut up up for a second you should and perel uh relaxes as chamberlain relaxes and places their hands in front of them in sort of a servant's gesture and it's like how can I help you and perel is sweating like sweat is pouring from his face he's got huge sweat stains like on his robes he's just mopping his own face like oh and uh perel reaches down to the stone chair that he'd formed a little bit ago to rest on and it becomes liquid again in his hand and he works it like a like he's working a ball of dough into a roughly box-sized shape he forms in front of you a like copy of the wardstone box that he'd been imprisoned in for so long oh sick don't forget the crack he's like oh no problem and he very flashily like taps the top of the box and it's got the little hairline crack and he's like and also don't forget all the shit in there put some shit in there just in case they open it then that would be hilarious that that would be pretty funny that's pretty funny and he kind of puts his hand above it and goes and you can see him like jig and the box kind of jiggles a little bit he goes it's gonna be hilarious and he he turns to oh don't you shit this is the funniest thing to me finally shit in that box and he turns to chamberlain and he holds the box out and goes chamberlain and he goes yes master could you deposit this in the vault please he goes right away and he walks away with the box and chamberlain walks up to one of the stained glass walls and just flows right through it whoa yeah billy comes in at that point and sees that he's like and perel looks at billy like that's what real magic looks like young man oh that's a weird flex to do yeah billy walks back out perel goes what why do you have a bunch of worms these ones are new worms because uh oh uh very well very well wait why did you bring new worms back in well I found them and they looked so lonely I thought I'd take them on a tour of this place but I see I'm not welcome and I no no no side eye and he puts his hand on your shoulder like no what that was your what's wrong well I couldn't do any magic in the tent and then you just said I don't have real magic no and I'm embarrassed that I want a cold side that was not what I was implying that was what I was simply implying was that in time you will possess abilities equal to or perhaps exceeding mine well only if you like I'm not going to be able to do it in time I'm going to be able to do it in time I'm going to be able to do it in time only if you're teaching me I mean yes that is part of it it requires tutelage so when are we leaving then well I suppose that's up to the three of you now with the quote-unquote box in the quote-unquote vault thanks to quote-unquote you that's a lot of air quotes yeah it's too many I think that as long as you're able to convince the menders that all is as it should be there shouldn't be any problems you yeah I think we can lie I think we can lie to them yeah we can I mean there's not gonna be any problems are there bro I they're still tracking you magically or if if uh your young ward in the tent decides that his conscience can't handle lying to his superiors he'll be fine don't worry about it you leave him to us I would recommend maybe parting ways with him at some point he seems like a liability yeah we like him billy what yeah I like mirrors yeah we like him we like you too well yeah are you coming with us and he thinks for a moment he's like I suppose I mean and he looks around like this place is pretty fascinating though why should I come with you well I mean I don't know I thought we were friends yeah I thought you just wanted to hang out with us but if that's different don't we have things to do with you in the world aren't you gonna help us fix everything I could I definitely could don't you want to prove the world wrong everyone's against you and wizardry we need to roll no perel's not the kind of person you gotta roll against him for like thankfully because I will fail you know I think I think I will come with you yeah perel perel perel perel come on hip hip perel should we should we end it there no no holy shit no how much time that's like a 30 minute episode okay uh chamberlain comes back out through the wall hip hip perel hip hip perel uh and then we all stopped because he ruined it he's just got it chamberlain just has his arms halfway up he brought the nerd vibes perel uh and perel turns to chamberlain like chamberlain here's what's gonna happen I'm going to leave now or soon and I may not return but if the menders arrive do not mention me and tell them that fat billy ving the druid and tacoma dome delivered the box as promised and and uh chamberlain just nods says I understand and don't let them contact us no no that's too much we need time they but they would know that we fucked with chamberlain man uh but then chamberlain says I could send a letter oh yeah saying that the task has been achieved yes the quest is complete and also chamberlain I think there was some promise of payment and chamberlain goes payment is not usually involved in the quest of payment and I'm not sure if that's true or not but I'm not sure if that's true or not but I'm not sure if that's true or not but I'm not sure if that's true or not menders operations and perel goes but chamberlain they're guests and uh chamberlain nods and goes guests wonderful what sort of payment were you hoping for I don't know like what's your coolest thing oh our coolest don't fucking way what's a reasonable like what are you hoping for I wanted a piece of chamberlain oh a piece of chamberlain yeah sick for what I want to make a amulet to remember this moment and you want a memento from a living thing for my scrapbook yeah make like a little like bangle bracelet one of those like little like troll blade right bracelets what are they called charms charm bracelets troll bracelet okay no I've been making a troll here's the thing in this world the trolls make these things called troll bracelets they just call them bracelets they're like charm they're charm bracelets I have crocodile teeth on there I've got a little bit of a dried up assassin vine uh it's all of our adventures on his wrist yeah yeah um great uh wonderful so without you having to say that chamberlain thinks for a moment and goes well as my task is keeping the items in the vault safe I could not do that I could not do that I could not do that I could not do that I could not do that I could not possibly give you anything that I've been required to keep watch over but and he reaches up and grabs his own finger and snaps it off oh yeah cool and takes like what the fuck and uh pokes his pokes his other index finger through the tip of that index finger to like kind of make a hole in it yeah and then snaps the individual knuckles off like so there's three knuckles and he holds them out to each of you and they make little rings of like colored glass I put it on my crystal hand yeah it's just like I put mine in my uh little pouch it's too big for my fingers yeah for now and what does tuck do just put it on he puts it on but yeah you put them on and well tuck's the only one that puts his on well no ving put his on or the crystals and they um yeah they start to glow uh with a very faint but clear light oh nice these are beautiful thank you thank you I do yeah uh yeah and perel sort of looks around and I want to give something to chamberlain to say thank you are you just gonna give chamberlain some bullshit out of your bag uh it's not bullshit it's a fucking gift for a friend okay chamberlain goes oh a gift for me yeah so I'm like rifling through my bag I'm like fuck and then I take out the book love and lust and I'm like chamberlain have you ever read love and lust before chamberlain's lead line eyes like open wide I have not read a new book in two years wow well this he reaches out snatches it right out of your hand okay I'm grateful and flips to the first page and is just reading okay like input this is I'm so fucking glad that I had I when I came up with chamberlain I was like chamberlain is a weird stained glass golem who loves to read and hasn't had a new book in so long but I was like they like love and lust too much but because he read the first time you met him he read mirrors his letter and was like this is awful yeah like he's just been waiting to read a new book I'm glad you like it and he starts to wander away he's just turned around like oh just delightful like whispering to himself like a golem that loves trashy novels trash yeah oh yeah specifically romance novels yeah he loves them can't get enough cool uh and I'm liking chamberlain more and more now I'm glad so cool really glad let's get the fuck out of this vault yeah yeah pearls like where to do I just do I just hop in the tent yeah well one second yours is in there yeah let's go and check out what mirrors have been doing oh yeah we gotta go eat should I come with you yeah come with us yeah you're part of the family okay mirrors is in there yeah let's go and check out what mirrors has been doing a few days ago a few days ago a few days ago a few days ago a few days ago a few days ago a few days ago a few days ago a few days ago a few days ago a few days ago a few days a few days a few days a few days a few days a few days a few days a few days a few days a few days a few days a few days a few days a few days a few days a few days a few days a few days a few days a few days a few days a few days a few days a few days a few days a few days a few days a few days You want to give him a hand back?

I mean, that's not what I was thinking. What are you thinking? And I think you also have to ask him first. I'm just thinking that if he doesn't trust me… You can't zombify him. Don't erase his brain. Okay, so we're not cool with brain chemistry transmutation. No, what the fuck is wrong with you? I just think that he's a liability. Who even thinks about that? Yeah, and he thinks that about you. Yeah, you know who's a liability right now? Is you. You're right. You know what's hard to navigate?

A one-way street. Trust goes both ways. He trusts you. We're working on him. We're working on you. You gotta work on you too, bud. Now just tell him you love his food. You'll eat it up. I would eat a stick right now. So I'm sure his food is delicious. That phrase is one I've never heard before. We don't say that anymore. It was very popular when I was a youth. Sticks? That phrase. That turn of phrase. That phrase. I'm so hungry I could eat a stick right now. Oh, I remember that one.

Yeah, thank you. This must be still in use in the halfling lands. No, but I did eat a lot of sticks in my time. Okay, well, all right. Yeah, he heads in, but Peril's like, I understand. I'll try and win him over with my charm. You gotta stop doing air quotes, bud. Yeah. This is going to be difficult. Your mouth has to stop. It's getting so wet when you say stuff about your power. Yeah. Can you stop getting wet over yourself? Yeah, can you stop salivating at your own power?

I am not used to having salivary glands. I'm getting used to it. That is actually very funny that Peril is just figuring out his body again. So he's doing a bunch of weird stuff. He's in puberty. It's a fourth puberty. What was your third one? Let's head on in, folks. And you go in. You're through the entryway, and Mears is in the kitchen. Smells amazing in here, Mears. Well, the paella is on. Or the paella. Sorry. I got confused halfway through. I made a paella. Fucking paella again.

This guy is paella. You made a half frittata, half paella. Yeah, the frittata got kind of wet, so I just turned it into a paella with eggs in it. It's kind of baked. It's not great. Oh, it smells good to me. And he turns around, and he sees Peril. He's like, oh. And Peril? Peril smells great. Mears is like, hmm. Well, come on, everybody. Eat. The three of you. Come on, have some. Hey. Hey. Friaya. No. What? What? What? What? What? First of all, Friaya. Awesome. Love it.

Second, he's going to trust you and not zombie you. That was what? He was going to what? Shut up. No. Shut up. Why would he do that? Yeah. Why would he zombie me? Sure. I don't know. It's nothing. It's nothing. People do. Peril said that he's willing to hang out and trust and travel. And I think the least you can do is do the same. Especially after he saved us from Chamberlain. That guy was going to kill all of us. Billy first. For sure. And he fixed my arm.

Well, Billy and I already kind of talked about it. I'm not. 100%. On board with Peril. But I like you guys. You've given me a lot of purpose in the world. And I'm not just going to betray you. If you say that you trust him, then I trust you for now. You guys should shake hands. Yeah. Shake hands. Peril, this is how you shake hands. He's shaking his own. He's just gripping his own fingers. Yeah. Oh, I know. I've. It's been a while, but I've shaken hands before. And then I'm also.

I'm doing the same thing. But to Mears, I'm like, do it like this. And Peril walks up and holds out his hand. He's holding out the hand that Mears' hook is on. And Mears like holds out his other hand. And he's like, no. Give me that hand. And Mears is like, and he looks at all three of you. And he's kind of wigged out. You give him a thumbs up. I give him two thumbs up. And he. So he reaches out with the with the hook hand and Peril takes it and puts both hands on it.

And shakes it very sincerely and looks him in the eye. And when he takes his hand away, you see that the wood in the hook is like fused into the metal. And the metal is formed into five fingers. Whoa. Dope. And Mears like flexes his hand. And the metal goes like. We're going to have to get some oil for that. And he's just flabbergasted. And he looks at Peril and goes. You want some fry? Yeah. It's not good. And Peril like looks at the food and you could. He's he's just so.

Thrilled that there's food nearby and he goes. I could not care less. And you guys settle into like kind of a nice meal family dinner in the. There's no dining room. Did I say there was a dining room? No, I think there's like couches. Yeah, we're just eating on the couches. And Peril is. He's eating so much. Whoa. Yeah. He's laying on a pillow and he's just like. I love lounging and eating. It's almost gross to watch him. It's pretty gross. It's like. We're watching it. We're like.

We're going to have to have a conversation with him about this. We're going to have to talk to him. He's eating his feelings right now. For sure. For sure. For sure. I recognize this. As he's shoving food in his face. And he's also like. He's figuring out his body. So he's like. I don't know. He's farting and burping a lot at the same time. It's fucking gross. It's one of those things where he's just laying there like. And then out of nowhere he's like. I am so sorry.

He just farted out of his mouth. I wanted to do that. But I did not expect it to be that loud. It's incredible. The body is just an amazing thing. Chew with your mouth closed. Oh, I'm sorry. Lips. You know how it is. Also stop gyrating against the couch. It's so. So soft. I just can't get enough of this. And Francis the Woolly Pig is like asleep in the corner. Like you guys got to. And it's cramped. I should mention now. It's like pretty cramped. Yeah. I mean, the morning comes.

If you all just kind of hit the hay. Sleeping on the ground. Perel is asleep so fast. But he wakes up a lot. Because he like forgets what being asleep feels like. So he's just. Oh, okay. It's like a baby. You have to like teach him how to sleep again. Yeah. Because the act of being tired. Is scary. Yeah. Like the feeling of being tired. It's like I'm dying. I'm dying. And then I would. I'll pick. I pick him up. And I'm like, you're not dying. I like bounce him to sleep.

Every time he starts to drift away. He's like, no, no, no, no, no, not back in the box. I can't go back. It's like you're not in the box. The box is gone. Yeah. And then. Yeah. We all take turns. Like. Yeah. Like I'll bounce him to sleep. And then I'll put him down. And then Billy will like rub his back. Yeah. And then Bing. I. I. I. I. I. His. His bald head. Circles. Oh, that's so nice. Is Bing still trying to commune with the spirit world in here? Or. What's the point? What's the point? Yeah.

Bing. It's rough, man. Oh, whatever. Bing. That's life. You'll find your spirit animal. Yeah, probably not. You will. All right. I don't believe you. Maybe you'll find you. What even am I? Billy. Cheer him up. Do something to cheer him up. I. I. I rub things back. That's nice. Thanks, Bill. You're welcome. At least I have you guys. Yeah, always. Yeah. And we go to sleep. Yeah, that's nice. So you wake up in the morning and, you know, Mears makes some breakfast. It's sort of a quiet morning.

Mears walks up and he's got the map in his hand and he puts it on the table and he spreads it open for everybody to see and looks at it and looks at all of you and says, well, I'm. Where now? Vacations where I want to be. Beach party summer. Beach party summer. I mean, yeah, that's the thing. And Pearl's like, we you had no other tasks with the menders. This was it. This is honestly like our biggest job ever. We can go anywhere. We can go anywhere we want to go.

I mean, what what happened with the did anything ever get resolved with? The, you know, the monster created by my darkest ambitions. Oh, shit. Wait, which one was that? I think it killed Ving. It was the reason that none of you trusted me. It disappeared into the waterways. You said. Oh, right. I forgot about all that. It's chipping away at the circle of life out there. Yeah, it's destroying the halfling lands. On the other hand, beach party summer. I mean, as. Someone who has.

Been put upon for a very, very long time. There's nothing wrong with taking a little time for yourself, you know, well, let's stretch in your arms and legs and other parts of the bodies that we all have now. This guy's nose. Yeah. Yeah. Very happy about having a body. It's so cool. I cannot. I, you know what I did this morning? I defecated. Yeah, we all saw it. You did it in the middle. I mean, there's no privy in the fanny pack. We have bathroom. What are they? What is that?

What they're called now? It's been so long. Yeah. And he knows it's like, it's going to be like, hey, it was the grandpa for the next few months. Because we're like an uncle worse. Just the worst. It's not charming yet. Yeah. It's just kind of gross. And actually, once we once we talk about this a little bit, he any points at the danger room sign goes, we should probably figure we should probably talk about this, huh? Yeah.

We all look over there and there's like, yeah, the fabrics kind of being pushed out from the inside. Do we want to settle that? We've dealt with it. There's a sign. It's it says danger room. We know we shouldn't go in there. Yeah. That's why we put the sign. And now everyone knows. Right. Yeah. Danger room. Don't go in there. But it says any points of it says guest quarters, doesn't it? This could be beds. You've been sleeping on a couch. Yeah. On the floor. Yeah. On this pig. Wooly pig.

Honestly, if I found a bed, I probably. I still sleep on top of Francis. It's great. I mean, maybe there's a bathroom in there. I mean, this is. Or a privy. A privy. That's what they were called when I was alive. Honestly, it would be nice to not have to like just shit outside. And then it cuts to Chamberlain, who's like. Scooping. Chamberlain's got a bucket full of shit that he's walking up the stairs and throwing into the pond. Plastic bag on his hand. Yeah. It's like. Ugh.

Coming back downstairs. Getting back into love and lust. He's got the bucket with one hand. He's got the book open with the other hand. Like, hmm. He looks at the camera and says, eh, it's a living. Billy comes back in from his shit. What are we talking about? Yeah. Did any. You just decided that you were going to live in a living room with a room full of monsters right next to you? Yeah. With a sign on it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I've been trapped in a box for 90 years. What's your excuse? Well, I grew up on the streets of one of the roughest cities in the world. Billy is an eternal fairy who doesn't remember past two weeks ago. And Ving's dad killed his mom. So we don't have super high expectations of the world. Have you ever heard of a broken home? I come from one. And Mears leans into the circle and goes, My dad farms mud and a frog ate my hand. And Perel goes, All right, that's fair. That's fair.

And he, I'll think about this because, and he reaches into one of the pockets on his coat and pulls out the red book. He goes, Because I've got this baby. What's that? Oh, you got the real version of the ghost book. Oh, cool. Yeah. I saw this laying around. I didn't think you needed it anymore. Oh, that's cool. That's weird. You definitely shouldn't take stuff that's not yours. I take it back. Can I have the journal full of my memories, please? Absolutely. Here you go. Thank you so much.

And he goes, Was that so hard? It wasn't. Just to ask. It's just, I'm sorry. I'll get used to it. Two-way street. You're right. I'll work on it, but I'll also work on that. And he points at the danger room. And Mears goes, Okay, whatever. Magic stuff. Who cares? But he's also flexing his hand. On the other hand, Oh, yeah. We all know. It's metal now. It's metal. We're great. I've got a magic hand. It looks really cool. You've been using it pretty hard all night.

You guys, you didn't hear anything, did you? We need to get oil on that thing, man. Yeah. Just like, All fucking night. You sound like a shopping cart in there, pal. We can hear you. I went into the entry. I thought it would be fine. What the fuck are you talking about? This is all one room. You went two feet away from where I was sleeping. We all sleep in a fanny pack, pal. And he goes, Okay. Noted. Perel, you work on the additional rooms.

And in the meantime, we're going to figure out where we're going to go. Yeah. And he points at the map. And he points at the map in a normal Sean voice. And so this is the map that we have. Um, Amir's how far away away from the coast. Uh, and he like puts his thumb, like he's basically measuring with his thumb. And he's like, I'm seven days. But I mean, like seven days. Jesus. But I mean, travel's not going to be difficult anymore. Like, look at this thing. I guess so.

We're going to travel in comfort wherever we go. We're going to have each other and we're going to have Francis in a kitchen. Eventually not a room full of monsters. We can go anywhere we want. Well, I guess I asked. Billy, I'm like, Billy, do you know of any? Because you want to go to like a summertime vacation town. Do you know if there are any like vacation towns on the coast? Um, are you going to answer? Because if you are, you got a spout for two to six plus intelligence.

Oh, thank God in heaven. I thought that was the one. It just made it with a seven to nine on Spout Lore. I tell you something interesting. It's up to you to make it useful. But I'm going to flip that around on you. We're going to talk about a place that you're going to. Come up with like, you know, name, location, all that sort of stuff. But there's something that you don't know about it. Like, it's basically going to be like something is wrong with your information. Okay.

Well, I know some of the fancier halflings like fancy Billy. They would go away for the summertime. And then they would go back to the shores of this beach. And I always heard stories about them coming back and being like, yeah, we ate all these like weird foods and we got to sleep in these really nice log cabins. And, um, there's Sandy beaches and the water was so blue and I always wanted to go there. And it's a lagoon off the sea of graves. And it's called crystal Bay. And there's the water.

I don't even know. I just really want to see it. Yeah. Let's go. Wait, let's go there. Where's the, where the halfling land over here? Oh, Jesus. Oh, what? Well, I guess it's kind of on the way to going to deal with that. Yeah. You're like leaving the mountains and going like an easier way. And I mean, like that. Yeah, there could be there could be river travel and stuff along that way. Like a tram, a tram. Yeah. Like it could be like there's a tram that you can get on around here.

That makes it easier to get that way. That's like a remnant of the wizard times. Sick. And is that from crystal Bay? Yeah, it goes. Well, it goes. Yeah. To crystal because that's the rich people. Oh, the rich halflings take the tram from near the holds up his bag of 400 gold. Like Billy, you want to go to crystal Bay? I do. We're going to crystal Bay. There's a tram that goes up to crystal Bay. No, no, no. We got to walk. Okay. That's where we're going to end it for today.

My name is Sean O'Hara. I'm your game master with me as always playing fat Billy, the halfling thief, Jessica tie. Goodbye. Playing being the half elf druid, Paul offers vacation and playing Tacoma dome, the barbarian Abdul Aziz. I'm going to get us when soon. Thank you to Aaron Reed for the intro and outro music. Thanks to Wes for all the technical stuff. Thanks to Abdul for all the editing. Thanks to Paul and Carl for having us in their beautifully cozy home.

Uh, thank you to all our Patrion supporters versus sporting the show. And thank you to you for listening. See you next time. And so ends the tale of adventures. Three who tried the best they can. Dumb and scared and lost. They be for times of breast in. And though our journey may be like a conclusion. We will not leave you without a resolution. Return next week to hear some more whilst you commute or do your chores. And for you, I'd gladly. About. Long. Long. Long. You

Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers have health, he shifts his shape, and wields a spear with great might Peely's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends, and listen close For the tale's about to start Welcome to Spout Lore everybody, my name is Sean O'Hara I'm your Game Master, and with me as always, playing Fat Billy the Halfling Thief Jessica Tai Hello Playing Tacoma Dome the Barbarian Abdulaziz Hello And playing Ving the Half-Elf Druid Paul Oppers Hello When last we left our heroes, they had left the town of Pinewood in a state A positive or negative state, who can say?

Well it's definitely different now It's definitely different, their lake is now made of magic wine instead of water Which you know?

At first I thought it was a little bit weird I mean right now sounds pretty cool Yeah Yeah And then they traveled a bit through the principalities, through the Pinewood, or the Firefield principalities And came to camp at a traveler's shrine And met some people from a place that we have determined is called Panusia To the east of the principalities And met some guys named Trevor, and some guys named Jordan, and a guy named Kyle No wait, just Trevor and Jordan Yeah we shared our dinner with some travelers on the way home Yeah we shared our dinner with some travelers on the way home Yeah we shared our dinner with some travelers on the road Some classic road stuff Just road stuff, just road bros We shared the news Yeah, got some news there's been a lot of displaced halflings lately Yeah Cause there's been some flooding Yeah they're kinda like refugees Yeah they're like climate refugees No, my boys Yep Who knows what the situation's like but a bunch of halflings have decided not worth it, we're outta here And They're very much tied to the land so it must be bad Yeah it's gotta be pretty rough And we also found out that the halflings are not worth it Yeah And we also found out that the halflings are not worth it Yeah And we also found out that the halflings are not worth it Yeah And we also found out that the halflings are not worth it Yeah And And And And And And And And And strong breeze you can smell it yeah you're like oh they're all around yeah but cabbage is going I thought existed just before they do but maybe you're getting the idea that maybe not in these numbers climate change yeah yeah also like maybe some of the shit that we fucked up with the animals in spirit world yeah they're a little invasive they're taking advantage and then you guys in investigated the fanny pack that you recovered and we ever got his arm stuck in there and the bag was unfolded to reveal a tent we thought it was a forever bag but it's actually a forever house it's a forever worm well a treasure worm it was a treasure worm inside of which you found 400 bucks too much stuff yeah 400 gold coin yeah and then ving found for ving yeah it's vings billy found a ruby and I found a fucking flashlight uh which is now hanging yeah the pig got a flashlight now and you opened another section in the tent bag to reveal a sitting room and a small kitchenette it appears and a portrait of a wizard you imagine you assume named morris wadge master of arcane architecture yeah and perel fucking perel does not seem to like this guy one bit yeah he's like this fucking asshole how do you know him so we yeah we cut to the sitting room of the bag home what are we gonna call this thing it's a forever tent the forever tent um and perel is yeah staring at this portrait hey how do you know that guy we ran in the same circles so to speak she gets date no whoa no something I'm a wizard I had very little time for romantic entanglements not interested in morris oh so arrogant just unbelievable he you know a lot of wizards tend to specialize in a in a field of study and morris decided that architecture was the way for him to go oh I can build things that stand the test of time oh yes who cares about frogs perel people need homes blah blah blah so long story short he's a dick was a dick I guess look who's still alive mori ving pushes his hand through Perel's face.

Okay, point made. I whisper to Billy, I'm like, there's definitely like, there's some like history in the relationship. Oh, I know, that's what I mean. He won't tell us. Yeah. Probably because he's embarrassed because look at that hairline receding all the way back and that neck beard. It's true. Looks bad. Hey, Perel, it looks bad. Yeah, Perel. I know. If you fuck this guy, you have terrible taste in dudes. Yeah, this guy has a really cool house. Look at your house. This is a shit-filled box.

And Perel disappears. Oh, fuck. Wait, come back. He huffs. He goes like, and then he, gone. No, oh no. And Mirrors, actually you noticed that while you were talking to Perel for this extended period of time, Mirrors was frozen in place. Time stop? Cool. We can use that later. Yeah. And so Mirrors keeps walking. He's like, this is amazing. Can you, have you ever seen, do you guys, do you deal with this kind of stuff a lot? I mean, we're starting to.

Yeah, not this specifically, but like, you know. One time, Ving, Ving and us met this golden elk. What? On top of a mountain. It was crazy, man. And, there were a bunch of little potato men there. Tuck is so bad at telling stories. It sounds like he's making it up. Even though this is a thing that actually happened. Yeah, Mirrors is nodding like, uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay. All right. I'm gonna go check out the kitchen. I'm not lying. I, okay. Hey, Mirrors, he's not lying. Okay, Billy. Hey, hey now.

You think you can talk down to me? I guess you can. I'm not. It happened. Anyways, he's trying to get around you guys, and he's like, no, just believe me. Just listen.

You know, actually, now that I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, It's thing on julie's a little bit yeah should I do a trap expert I mean you can do it whenever you want yeah well fuck yeah okay unless you guys don't want me no no do it um 2d6 plus dexterity I got 12 oh wow crush that roll so that's three blood brothers what are you doing there what is that symbol you're making yeah that was cool okay oh is billy doing that billy's doing gang signs but he doesn't know what gangs they're for they're just gangs that he's seen in the world what is this I don't know okay at all uh yeah on your okay so on a 10 plus you hold three yeah spend your hold as you walk through the area to ask these questions okay billy walks around hand on chin and he's like hmm which chin the littlest the first chin so he's he asks what else is hidden here oh jessica you're all sneaky ones such a billy way to billy does find another couple snaps obviously yeah finds another couple snaps across from the entrance to this room there's more snaps and uh billy just opens them well wait wait wait wait yeah you should ask another question yeah um is there a trap here and if so what activates it yes there is a trap and it is activated by opening these snaps well balls okay so what what does the trap do when I activate it I think what it is is that you notice like written above where the snaps are it says like guest quarters but you just peek a tiny bit through with your tiny little fairy hands you look put your little eye through the hole and you see movement you're like that is not a guest room whoa so you get the idea that if you open this without the right not authorization but like kind of authorization like unless you have the right clearance code or something like that some sort of password or whatever it opens into a different way more dangerous room oh yikes cool danger room forever danger room yeah well it's good that we know all the dangerous stuff is there so we don't have to worry about any other place cool yeah so as it's stands you're like oh we shouldn't try and go in any other rooms until we learn more well darn so I rifle around for some paper do I find some maybe in your bag not here there's no paper here I don't know there's like a book on a table okay I take well I open it what's the book what's just a novel what's the name of it jesus fuck abdul no we gotta know okay uh uh it's called um um um bibliomancy in the modern world um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um Nobody go in this room.

This is the danger room. Yeah. Great. Okay. So you have this room. That's what you know. You have this room. It's got a small kind of kitchen area. It smells delicious. Mears is cooking up something awesome. Just cooking up a storm. A red Thai curry. Has Mears gone through the different cabinets? It's a lot of like staples. There's a lot of like beans and oats and stuff, and most of them are spoiled. He's like, I don't think there's any usable food here, but we have our rations. Okay.

I am really hesitant to be in here. Okay. Mears, I take your face in my hands. Okay. Why are you narrating this? Because I am climbing up the counter to do it, and I'm just warning you. Now I can take your face into my hands. Okay. I look you in the eyes, and I ask, Mears, what are you so worried about? Why don't you trust us? It's not that I don't trust you. It's that I don't trust magic or wizards or that whole sort of zone. It's scary. Wizards ruined the world.

I mean, yeah, that's one theory about it. Okay. Sure. I'm pretty young. I'd say I don't know everything about the world, but I do know that anytime I've encountered magic personally, people have gotten hurt. Like when? Ving was killed. Right. Holds up hand. The willow, the wisps in the forests around Mudlark frequently led people to their deaths. Mm-hmm. I lost a hand to a big frog. Magic frog. Magic frog.

Hey, it's fine to be scared of this kind of stuff, but nothing interesting is ever going to happen to you if you never hang out in a forever tent or try and make a deal with a frog king. Or if you never try to send that letter I saw you write to Kem, you should actually send it to him. He starts blushing. Yeah. Ellie. Ellie. Yeah. And- We cut back to earlier in the trip when Ving was reading it to the two of us. How do I miss Kem? Let me count the ways. Oh my God.

Wait, is this a poem or a letter? He can't tell. Cut back to the tent. Mears, you have to face your fears like we all do. And you don't have anything in words. I don't have anything to worry about. I point to the danger zone. We took care of it. Nothing's going to happen. Slightly bulging with movement. I feel like somebody's going to have to make a roll. Like a- Oh, yeah. Maybe defy danger charisma. Billy. Unless you're trying to convince him. I guess the danger room is taken care of. Yeah.

Fuck me. Oh my God. So many. Ooh. 13. Jesus God. You could talk him into anything. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He looks at Billy and he looks at the danger room. He goes, okay. All right. Yeah. It is pretty warm in here. Yeah. And it's dry. The rain isn't getting in somehow. There's a gas range. Is this even outside? It's inside. Inside what? Our hearts. What? And I go outside. I get Francis and I bring him inside.

You bring Francis in? Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to be out in the rain. It's hard going getting him through the front room, but you do make it work. And you feel it actually moves a little bit like the tent kind of works with you. Okay. And but it's tight. Like Francis is like, but eventually he pads inside. He's getting mud all over the place and dripping all over because he's coming to shaggy fur. Yeah. And you're all just kind of in this weird tent. I start a fire. In the little burning stove.

Yeah. And it gets pretty toasty. It's like kind of nice. It's really nice. Cool. Let's have dinner. We already ate. Again. Okay. Well, Mears fries up some eggs. Okay. If anybody wants an egg, I'm into it. Midnight snack. Yeah, I'll have four. Breakfast for dinner. Midnight snack. I'll have four eggs. Four dozen eggs. Every morning to help me get large. Fuck. Dude, I'm huge. You're roughly the I'm on a fucking keto diet. This is all I can have. Give me every egg you have. Yeah.

And then unless there's anything else you guys want to do, the night passes. Yeah. Is there like a big chaise lounge or couch or something I can sleep on? None of the furniture in here is big enough for Tuck. But the floor is fairly comfortable. Fine. I sleep on the floor next to Francis. Yeah, you can lean against Francis. He's really toasty. No, I cuddle into him. Yeah. He's like, great. Can I do communion of whispers tonight? Yeah, totally.

Rest and do a thing and just I would like to see if there's any spirits in the tent. All right. I mean, I'm not against it. Do we think that this tent zone exists in okay. Let's talk about magic. Is this tent part of a singular thing that exists in the real world or does it open into an alternate place? Yes, I like alternate place. Yeah, it's not part of our universe. It's a different vibration. I like a different vibration. Yeah. Yeah, or or something else. Cool. Yeah, I'm into that. Oh, Lord.

Okay. Fuck. Five. We spent five. Nice. How is it that Jessica is the only one that succeeds? It's because I have the good dice. I was doing really good last game. Share those. On a miss, the vision is upsetting, frightening, or traumatizing. You sit in the middle of the tent and you're like attempting to commune with whatever spirit. It's might exist in this tent. And I think that's, I think that's the problem is this isn't connected to the natural world.

This is a whole different space that was like created by a wizard. So you open yourself up in the same way and you are just filled with dread and emptiness and void. And that feeling sucks really bad because Bing is used to being filled with like spirits of the natural world. And now you're filled with nothing. Oh, okay. Wow. Yeah. The aching coldness inside. Yeah. And maybe he hears like the distant whispers of like the creatures that exist in the nothing space. Yeah. What's in there?

Things that are trapped. Yeah. They're just like skittering. Feels like a chittering inside your mind. So negative one. Negative one. Due to depression. Due to being sad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It stays with you. Yeah. Like this like chittering sound is just in your mind. Yeah. And that's how Bing spends like the night. Like you're just trapped with this feeling. And everybody else is toasty. Billy's sleeping in a cupboard or whatever the hell. Oh, yeah.

He pulled out a drawer. He's got a bed in a drawer. Yeah. So close. Yeah. He feels good. Yeah. Mears is sleeping on a couch. Tuck is sleeping on a pig. You know, just life. Kicking it with your bros. Sleeping on a pig. And in the morning, Mears makes you a nice breakfast. And do you just set out? Are you like, all right. We fold the tent. Oh, yeah, for sure. We snap it back up. Yeah. Like you grab an edge basically and lift it off the ground and it goes. It folds back up into a.

You know how when you try and fold a tent back together, you're like, it's, it's, you can't get it right. It's like always too big for the bag. Yeah. So it's like bulging. Fuck. How did this fold up? There's like a plate that's trying to force its way. Like, ah, shit. There's always something sticking out of it, like a fucking chair leg. Mears, did you not close that cupboard? All the plates are falling out, you idiot. And the Panusians are gone. Oh, okay. And what else is gone? Uh-oh. Our cart?

No, not your whole cart. That would be too big. The money? Did those fucking Panusians steal our money? I feel like that's too much. They did take something, though. What did they take? What were you keeping in the cart? The lantern's gone. Oh, yeah. Your bullseye lantern's gone. Did they take my fucking flash? No. He loves it. Oh. Son of a bitch. Yeah, you go to the cart and the hook that it was hanging on is empty and they took the hook. So fucking… Mears is like, okay, I mean, that sucks.

It's not a huge loss, though, so… Should we get moving? Fine. You hop on the cart and it's just like another, you know, another night of traveling, so unless there's anything anybody wants to do at night… The one thing I want to do while we're on the road is I want to gain some insight into Perel using my new move for the Blood God. Maybe I'll say that without perfect. For the Blood God. Okay. Sure. So that means that you're just gonna, like, what, chat it up with Larry, Terry, and Chad?

Yeah. So for the Blood God, it says you are initiated in the old ways, the ways of sacrifice. Choose something your gods value, gold, blood, bones, or the like. When you sacrifice those things as per your rites and rituals, roll plus wisdom on a 10-point roll. Plus, the GM will grant you insight into your current trouble or a boon to help. So the way that we constructed this was I commune with the spirits through the axe. By smashing stuff.

By, like, yeah, doing, like, a flash dance style, like, axe thing in the woods or something. And smashing a bunch of shit with it. Yeah. And then… Is that your sacrifice? And the sacrifice is, like, all of the things I'm destroying. Yeah. 2d6 plus wisdom. Seven. Seven. Okay, cool. So you… They do take of your flesh as well. So I hurt myself. You hurt yourself really bad. Yeah. Roll a d6. Now it's a six. This is the highest number I've rolled today. Yeah. This will deal with armor, probably.

So it's a five instead. But you swing your axe… You're smashing your stuff in the woods. And you swing your axe really hard and you hit a rock way harder than you expected to and you pull your shoulder really bad. Shit! Fuck! Fuck! But Larry, Terry, and Chad are like, Hey, man, sorry. How are you? Sorry about that. From far away, someone's like, Are you okay? I'm fine! He's fine. Hey, sorry, man. What's going on? Hey. How are you guys doing? Oh, we're doing pretty… Being an axe…

Rules, man! It's been so nice hanging out with you and your buds. Yeah, man. I'm so happy we could bring you guys back. I guess we're, like, physical now, huh? What do you think? What do you think of the real world? It's… Everything's really… It smells bad, man. Everything smells like something here. Yeah. I don't like it, but I like being an axe. Yeah. I like getting whipped around. Yeah. It's exciting. Yeah. As a rock, we barely moved at all. Now we're getting whipped around like crazy.

Whip me around. I whip him around. Yeah! I do a pretty, like, lazy, like, whip. Hell yeah! Oh, man! Woo! Can I do another one? No, okay. All right, that's enough. Are you sick? I'm a little sick. I'm fine. I'm fine. If you guys want to keep going, I'm good to go. No, I think we should stop. I'm getting tired. So what do you need, man? When I'm commuting with them, does it, like, does everything slow down like it does with Perel? Three rocks appear in the sky and look down from the clouds. Okay.

What need you, our brother? No, it's… Pretty good. I like that. Yeah. All right, fine. Then it's like a Lion King thing. You can see that outline of three rocks in the sky. So cool. Tacoma, our brother, what can we do for you? Hey, I'm trying to figure out if I could trust Perel. What do you think? Who? The wizard, the guy that's in the stone box. Can you, like, look inside there because you're stone too and, like, tell me what he's up to? Oh, that thing. No, we've tried.

It is a different situation. Fuck. You know, Wardstone is like, yeah, Wardstone. Can they get a sense of what's happening in there? I mean, yeah. Does he seem cool? Yeah, yeah, he seems awesome, but I don't, I just want to make sure he's not trying to fuck us over. Well, I mean, looking at the stone, we can see that it is, it's strong, you know? The stone. What the fuck are you guys doing? I'm just saying, like, you've dealt with the guy, right? With the wizard? Yeah. And he seems okay?

Yeah, he seems okay. Has he tried to fuck you before? No. Hmm. Okay. Does it seem like he would have a reason to want to fuck you? No, not really. Tuck's flexing his arms. I don't know. You tell me, buddy. Um, then, yeah, that's, I mean, like, you know, we can try and keep an eye out because, I mean, now that we're spirits and now that we're around, like, we can perceive so much more than we used to be able to. Yeah, keep an eye out for stuff.

So, like, because at this point, you've kind of just been giving me, like, loose advice. Not so much for the blood god type stuff, but, like, kind of the kind of thing that, like, a guy at a, like, 7-Eleven would tell me, you know? Yeah, it's, it's almost like you asked three rocks in an axe what they know about an unimaginably powerful ghost man. And we're like, hey, this is your shit, right? And we were like, not really. And you were like, that's bullshit.

And we're still trying to fucking help you. All right, fair enough. Just keep an eye out for any weird shit. Yeah. If you notice anything, tell me. Fucking, yeah, man. Okay, cool. Okay, hey. What's up? It's been real. Yeah. And whip him around one more time. Yeah. And the clouds drift away. So, what a weird move I took. That was awesome. So, they have granted you a boon that will become clear at some point. Cool. But they're, but they're basically, they're keeping an eye out to help.

They want to help you and they're going to try. Yeah. Cool. Anything else that, Bing's still doing his, like, spirit man thing, right? You're still, Bing is still looking for a spirit animal. Yeah, like every night sort of commuting or with this vision, does he, has he still been doing that? He's kind of lost his hope a little bit right now. Oh, no. Yeah, he's, there's no point, there's nothing out there. Maybe he thinks, well, maybe he'll, he'll never find the spirit animal. Maybe he's lost it.

So, he's, he's definitely despondent and feeling very useless. Whoa. And pointless. Yeah. So, he's just kind of bummed out. The emptiness, the emptiness of the, when he tried to contact that wizard's world and, like, imbue with that spirit and he contacted just a great nothingness, it's definitely affected him. Yikes. Okay. What's Billy been up to? Ooh, you know, sleeping in his drawer that he loves. He also has been sneaking off to the danger zone to, like, peer more into it. Whoa.

When no one's looking. What's in there? Or what's he seen? He sees some books. Ooh. The table. The table. Some glass instruments. Whoa. Spooky in there. Shadow. Whoa. Mm. Okay. Then, yeah, I mean, a couple days pass and that's pretty much the most interesting stuff that happens. Mm-hmm. Do you find any cool books in the thing? It's mostly novels. Like, this is, like, there's a small bookshelf. Like, it's waist high, maybe three feet across and it's mostly, yeah, fiction. It's like a cottage.

Kind of, yeah. Light reading. Light reading. Okay. I'm flipping through the books every night. Yeah. There's some pretty cool fiction here. Like what? There's, like I said, there's that adventure novel that's just, like, classic adventure. There's one where someone actually goes to the stars. Oh, wow. Cool. Yeah. And there's, like, crazy adventures in the stars and there is a couple romance novels of varying kinds. There, you know, just normal fiction fare. Is there any magazines?

Yeah, there's, what's it, Mud Digest and Golf Weekly or something. Mud? Mud Affairs and Golf Night. What was the one you were going to say? Shadow Lane. Shadow Lane. It's called S-H-A-T. Yeah. Shadow Lane. It's going to say Shadow Lane. Shadow Lane. Yeah, it's like a, it's like a thief's magazine. It's all the, all the most recent thief. Oh, trickery is spiced up. Yeah. Oh, Billy, here, is there anything in here you, can you read? I can't, but are there pictures? Yeah. Super cool pictures.

Oh, sick. I take it over to my corner. To Billy's drawer. Yeah. Shut the door. But, Tuck, as you're handing it over, you really, it doesn't matter to Billy, but it's like 10 years old. The magazine? The magazine. It's from 10 years ago. You're like, oh, okay, well. This guy has to fucking renew his subscription or whatever. A couple, a couple more days pass. The rains get pretty bad for a couple of those days, but you got the forever tent, so. Thank fuck we have this waterproof tent.

Yeah, it's amazing. It's crazy that water doesn't leak into the liminal spaces between universes. And after a couple days, Mears, you're driving the tent and Mears goes, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. And he hops down and you're on like sort of the edge of a pond, like a decently sized pond. Like, what's a good pond, you know? Like a gold stream park, maybe? Yeah. Like there's no sand on the shore. It's all like grass and bulrushes and stuff.

And Mears runs up to the edge of the pond and he parts some bulrushes and there's a clump of orange flowers. Whoa. Cool. That's compass roses. Yep. He's like, oh, this has got to be it. And he looks and you see in the middle of the pond, there's like a small, soggy looking island and on it sits a little shack. That's the vault? I guess this is it. I think we're here. What do we do? What? What? You don't know? Why are you asking us? I, um, no, you're right. I know. I know what to do.

He's like straightening out his clothes and he's like, okay, let's go. You walk out into the pond, you get maybe three meters off the edge and it's like you're walking right back up onto the land. Oh. And your brain's like fucking flip for a second because you're like, this was not the direction we were going. But so you walk in and you're walking right back out. Oh, you're walking out. Oh, we're walking out of the water. You're walking into the water and you walk right back out. Whoa.

Without turning around. It's just like, bam, we're walking away. And Mirrors goes, ah, it happened to everybody, right? Yeah. Yeah. Discern realities. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Do it. Uh, plus my wisdom. Well, who, who, three questions from discern realities. What should I be on the lookout for? What's, uh, here's not what it appears to be and what's useful. What I will answer first is what here is not what it appears to be.

And, um, on the edge, like a little bit down the edge of the pond, you see, um, a duck kicking its little feet in the water, kind of like swimming back and forth. And, um, it dives under every once in a while to get some, whatever ducks eat and it pops back up and it looks at you and it goes, that's not going to work. Do you know how we can get to the shack? Ah, it takes a little bit of doing. What kind of doing? It's like, uh, you know, you can't want it so bad. Hmm.

Uh, so what this is doing is it's keeping out people who want to go to it that want, that want to like get to the, the vault really bad. You know what I mean? So it's sort of like a mental thing. Huh? Yeah. That's interesting because I don't give a shit if we really get in there. Who here cares if we actually get into the vault? I don't even want to go. I never wanted to come here at all. We're kind of being forced to do this.

So which one of us is actually like desperate to get in there and then we all look at mirrors? What do you want me to do? Why don't you stay on shore? Oh, okay. If you think that's going to work, I'll just, I'll stay here with the duck, I guess. So mirrors is just standing on the shore. Yeah. And I, yeah, I guess everybody, it'll be a defy danger, maybe wisdom. It's like a mind thing. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So, because we're all trying to convince the pond that we don't care. Yeah, exactly. Okay.

Yeah. So yeah, 2d6 plus wisdom. I got four. Teen. I got seven. Um, so Ving is like master of placidity. It's just like, all right. Yeah. Empty your mind. He's full of emptiness. That, that tracks. I like that. He's using that emptiness. So he's just like, I don't give a shit about anything. Nothing matters. Stay. Go. Yeah. Cut my life into pieces. And then he just walks into the pond. So emo. He's, yeah, he's restyled his hair. So it's like kind of like over one eye. Yeah.

So yeah, Ving, you pass. I put some muck under my eyes. Dark eyed. This is, this is dank, dank Ving. Dark Ving. Dark Ving. Dark Ving duck. Dark Ving duck. Dark Ving and duck. Dark Ving and duck. Uh, so yeah, Ving walks right past. You walk past the point that you were not supposed to be able to walk past and you wade further into the thing. That's right. Billy, however, what do you think Billy fucks up? Uh, I think Billy ate really recently. And he gets like cramps.

And so he just can't make it because of the cramps. So Billy's just stuck on the edge of the pond. Yeah. Yeah. But with cramps. Yeah. So. Owie. What? Did you like wait 45 minutes? No, definitely not. Sorry. So Billy doesn't make it out or make it through and something happens it was a failure, right? So. He gets really bad diarrhea. Am I allowed to choose that? Yeah, sure. Diarrhea. Yeah. It's a debility to dexterity. Yeah. He gets a lot of diarrhea. You could see a cloud. Oh my God.

This is the most openly diarrhea this show's been so far. So Billy's just. Fine. Fuck. He goes into those like bull rushes or whatever. Just is like screaming and tugging on the. We. All right. He's like my butt. And then he. He's like. Oh, I wiped it with poison. I. Oh my God. Oh no, Billy. I can't tell. We're on the inside. We're so concerned. Yeah. But we can't do anything about it. So Billy's got a minus one to dexterity ongoing until you solve your diarrhea troubles. Okay. Yeah.

So Billy's stuck on the weeds. All right. Tuck seven to nine. Yeah. Hmm. Yeah. Yeah. What do we. What do you. What do you think catches like why do you think Tuck partially fails this probably because he as he's like following thing he's like like I wonder if like I'm like I'm me like pretty ladies in there. So maybe it's gonna be like pretty lady or something like I should think about like a poem. So he starts to like psych himself up. Get excited. About being in there in a weird way.

He's like, oh, what if I like he gets really in his own head about it where he's like, what if there's like a lady in there? It's like she's like a lady like that, like wants you to like to do sex. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah. What if like a lady of the lake comes out? Lake Lady. Yeah. Oh, so I think what happens is since it's a seven to nine. He's like, maybe she'll be my wife. His boner gets caught up in the water. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay that's the last one that's one of diarrhea and the duck is like swimming back and forth like please get him out of here this is awful I'll stay out here to make sure Billy's okay you go inside I'm fine so you yeah you walk a little bit further out I think this is like you get to a point where it becomes a bit more of a classic test of of the hero's intelligence where great this is gonna go awesome the water you like you hit a wall in the water basically and the water is just hard at a certain point but you feel it and it moves around no it's just hard water it's not cold it's just doesn't move and you move and you feel it kind of arc a little bit with the edge of the pond but your hand dips in on one side and you realize it's a maze cool yeah in the water and you can't get out of the water like you if you put your hands on it and you try and lift yourself out you can't pull yourself out of the water let's enter the maze yeah so this is just gonna be a oh Ving takes a bull rush and busts it open uses the fluff and leaves a trail fluff behind him on the top of the water okay yeah I guess it does not float around because the water's still yeah it bumps up against the edges of the wall yeah it floats a little bit and then stops and floats it back a little bit and stops so this is gonna be a defy danger intelligence eight okay awesome um on a seven to nine on a partial success um I think it's the usual like you you can do it but um you're gonna leave something behind like kicking through this the water in this pond is very difficult so there's a lot of thrashing around anything Ving's comfortable with leaving behind well I mean it doesn't matter you gotta leave something behind what about if there's all of his poultices and stuff okay yeah so you you kind of you bump up against one of the walls uh in the water and the bag with your herbs and it gets mushed and you see it kind of spread out in the potter the water of the pond my herbs bro uh but you do you swim this like very weird circuitous route in the pond and you make your way through there's a trail of bull rush fluff and you think that'll maybe help you get back through if you need to go back which is great but that that's like you forced your way through you forced your way through you forced your way through all of these puzzles, soggy and bleeding a little bit, and internally and mentally warped, you make your way to the edge of this shack, and there's just a rotted wooden door hanging off the hinges, and you're allowed entry, basically.

I'll go in the vault. Mirrors, do you have any words of advice for me? Maybe tell them that I'm here. Maybe just, yeah, let them know that Mirrors the Great is here. No, just say Mirrors, they'll know. You still have the letter that he wrote, right, to Kim? No, don't do that. Just show them the letter. They'll recognize his handwriting. Sure, yeah. Don't do that, please. So you open the door to the shack, and there is a little slide. Sure. There's a slide in the… There's a… Whee!

There's steps dug into the floor, and next to it is a little slide, and you slide down. Whoop. And you slide down below what you believe is the water level of the pond. Not surprising. You stand up, and there is a very surprisingly wide open area dug out underneath this pond.

There's stone pillars and a stone floor that extend for probably 100 feet in either direction in this square shape, and around the edges, the pillars are evenly spaced, maybe 30 feet to a pillar, so it's this sort of echoey chamber. Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! And every wall in this place, like wall to wall, it's all beautiful stained glass, and there's a light coming from behind it almost. Is it depicting anything, or is it just colors?

It's depicting battles of various kinds, forces of light and darkness, you know, the classic. There's a lot of a green rose, a green rose, a green rose, a robed figure, and various robed figures here and there. Do I recognize any of the figures? No, you don't recognize anybody. But you get the idea that they're all supposed to be wizards of varying shapes and sizes. There's humans, elves, dwarves, orcs, races that you don't recognize.

Is there any part that stands out, like to an entrance or a door? Is there any way I should head? As you walk in, you walk a little bit further in, and you hear behind you, oh, you've made it. And you turn around, and there is a, a six foot tall figure completely made of stained glass. And they say, I am Chamberlain. Do you have the box? Kind of. Please explain. Well, we have the box, but I'm the only one who made it. Oh. But you come with others. Yes, Mears is here. Ah, the young Mears.

You know, Mears, this is, this is, roses are apples, and apples are orange, violets are purple, and I like cameras. Damn. This piece of shit. You know this guy? I have heard. Yeah. And the stained glass hands reach out and like, ask for, like they gesture for the letter. He hands it over. And, you gotta see this thing. And the figure opens it, and it's like, it's a stained glass face, like it's got the like leaded lines, but it moves like, like with facial features. Beautiful.

And it's, you see the eyes moving back and forth. And they look back up at you and go, this is awful. Yeah. I know. But this is Mears. And they hand the letter back. They go, one moment. And, back on the shore, Tuck, are you just in the water? I went back to hang out with Billy. Okay, yeah. I don't, fuck, you are having awful diarrhea. I can't just leave you. I said I was fine. I know. And it was done. I, but I heard it start up again. I'm so embarrassed. Billy looks away.

He has nothing further to say. Swirling the diarrhea in the water with his feet. Billy, well, that's part of the reason why I went back, is to get him at least out of the water. It's fucking full of diarrhea. I'm going to catch the plague, bud. And Mears is like, are you, Billy, are you okay? Do you want some, do you want some turmeric? That should, this might help. We're, we're on the shore and I'm, I'm wiping his butt like a baby. You don't have to do this. I can do it myself.

Billy, I let you try, and do it yourself. And you just swirled water, the diarrhea water. Well, I don't know. Like, it's everywhere. And I was trying to get off my hands. And I went back on my hands. And as you're all standing there, you're talking and then you turn and the water in the pond has moved away and created a walkway that goes straight to the shack. Like it's just firm on either side. Is that for us? Yeah, I, I suppose it would be. Okay. Mir's hustles forward.

He's like, wait, I'll go first. Yeah, do it. Yeah. And he like, he's like straightening out his clothes and he's like, okay, let's go. And he, he's padding across the pond. Come on. Way too eager. Come on. I honestly, I should have made it in there first. Okay. That's fine. Yeah. I waddle. Billy, hurry up. I can't. Burns. And yeah, you three come and meet Ving. Me and Chamberlain are comparing our hands. Cause they're very like, beautiful, crystal-y glass and mine are a different sort of. Yes.

Mine are the work of eons of magical innovation and yours are terrifying. I've never met Ian. Who is this Ian? Just blank faced. Ah, your friends have arrived. Hey. Yeah. There's like a six foot tall. This is Chamberlain. Is this your house? No, this is the vault. It's nice. Is he in a state in a window or what? No, he's like, he's walking around. 3D. Just a, stained glass, like mannequin, basically walking around, like standing in front of you. 3D completely.

It's like a suit of armor, basically made out of stained glass with a face. And there's like a bright light coming from within them. Wow. What are you? I am Chamberlain. What's your job? I attend this place. Before whatever happened to my master happened to my master. I aided them. And now I aid the menders. Who was your master? My master was a magician of consumption. He had a considerable skill and they gave me life and I aided them in their magical experiments and. Thaumaturgical operations.

And when they left, I carried on and the menders eventually came to find this place and I continue to serve. Oh, you're a Golem. In such crude terms, perhaps. But if that helps you understand, then yes, I am a Golem. Anyways, I understand that you have an object for me. Uh, no, we were told to bring the object here. No one fucking knows. No one fucking told us to give it to a glass man. I am Chamberlain. I maintain the vault. They did not tell us about you.

You understand all that we've been through with this box. We can't just hand it over. You have to give us some sort of insurance. Or at least fucking bring some menders out here for us to talk to. I am the only one here. I maintain the vault. Are you fucking serious? How do we believe you? I am Chamberlain. I serve. I am Chamberlain. Please, hand over the artifact and it will be safe. No way. Yeah, what's Jessica doing? Discern realities. Okay, yeah, sure, sure. Discern realities works.

2d6 plus wisdom. Yeah, I'm very wary of this guy. I hate these dice. Fuck! What, you traded dice with somebody? Four! No, I just grabbed them. Okay. Four. Mark a point of experience. They're… Well, I mean, that's not even… Yeah, actually, you know what? Billy doesn't trust Chamberlain at all. That's your failure. Is you believe Chamberlain is trying to kill you? I believe Chamberlain is trying to trick you. All right. I tug on the… I tug on Vig's leg. Hey, I don't trust this dude.

He seems super shady. We should get out of here. What? What? I mean, this is… Mures led us here too. Chamberlain speaks up and says, I understand that you have gone through much hardship to bring this… The box to me, to Chamberlain. To the vault. But you have been, for the most part, vetted by Maggie Cole of the Menders. You are safe within the walls of this vault. However, you can understand that that box shall not be permitted to leave.

You can have as much time as you would like here, but the box must remain. What do you plan on doing with the box? It will remain here. What's gonna happen to Perel? Perel? The being in the box. I suppose whatever being exists within that box will remain here. The wards, even now, within the presence of the vault's hotspot, are strengthening. Perel! You're just gonna call him out? Yeah, and freeze time and talk to Perel. Perel pops out and goes, Where are we? We're at the vault.

And he looks around and goes, This is… This is a hotspot. Yeah. Yeah. This is bad. For me. I'm sure you can understand. As these wards strengthen on this wardstone box, I will not be able to leave. How much time do we have before you're stuck in there? Hours, days, weeks, I don't know. Ugh. What do you think we should do? Come with us. Come with us, Perel. Yeah, that would be great. Ah! You're trying… If you're trying to convince me to not stay in prison, job done. I don't wanna be here.

What? How do we get you out? I don't know. Is there anything now that we're at the vault that is powerful enough to open the box? I don't… I can't see anything here. And Perel's like looking around like frantically and he's like, I'm already perceiving less than I've been able to since I've been with all of you. Oh, he's back to the future ring. Oh, he's fading? Yeah. And as you're all talking, Mir's is frozen, but Chamberlain steps forward. Oh! I shield Perel. Cool.

He says, I understand that you may be hesitant to hand over what you believe is your friend, but this is the magical projection of an extremely dangerous being. I was… I was in service to a wizard for centuries, and look what happened. What did happen? You're stunning. Yes, I am an amazing work of art. Okay, all right, buddy. But even my master's ambition and skill led to their eventual downfall. Okay. They left, and I have been here ever since, alone, in service.

Look, Perel has fucking helped us out so many times. You have, as long as it takes Perel to fade, to convince us that he needs to stay here. I will not convince you. I will make you. How? By any means necessary. Whoa. Whoa! What is he… What? Oh, man. Tuck gets scared. Yeah. Tuck's like, What? No. He's like, He toots a little. Yeah. He does. He like farts a little bit, and then he like, he does the thing where like, you know, you like walk into like a haunted house, and you're like, Yeah.

Stick your arms up like you're trying to defend yourself. Stick your arms up, like, and you crouch down, and you stick your butt out, and you're like, What? Plugs his ears. What is going on? You're defending yourself against the feeling of being scared. Yeah. Yeah. What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? But Chamberlain doesn't do anything.

Okay, maybe we've fallen in love with the being in the box. A little bit. He is close to us, so we don't know what to do. Do you not understand that these boxes were constructed as prisons for dangerous wizards? We understand that you believe every wizard to be dangerous. I believe every wizard to be imprisoned within a ward stone chamber to be dangerous. That was the purpose of the boxes. But you're making the implicit assumption that everyone in prison is dangerous.

Has Perel ever told you why they were imprisoned? Yeah. He said, um… The people were scared of him. Yeah, he tried a thing. He tried to save the world. And it didn't work. Yeah. He tried to save the world, and he was imprisoned for that. Well, yeah, maybe he did it, you know, he went about it the wrong way. It doesn't make him… A murderer? Perel? And he's standing there, and he looks very troubled. Perel, why were you in the prison? The… He's like, he's having trouble.

Perel, you have to fucking answer the question. We're gonna take a huge risk here and try and save you, but we need honesty. Um… Magic is very dangerous. Um… When I attempted… I… For my work, I needed help. I needed assistance. Like Chamberlain here. Chamberlain was created to aid a wizard. All good wizards need assistance from time to time. Um… Mine just so happened to take a form that ended up being a little bit more dangerous than I had expected it to be. What? Like, what?

I mean, you've encountered them before. What? The Bullywugs? Yes. Oh, that was you? That was me, yes. And, um, you know, when you create a… A species of ravenous frog warriors, occasionally blood is spilled. How much… How much blood was spilled? Enough. I just wanted to help. The Exodus was tearing the world apart. Look at it now. So much is unstable. You've experienced the instability of magic yourselves. Multiple times, I believe. I wanted to mitigate that. And I still do.

With my return, if I were to return, I will use my power and my energy to bring stability back to the world in any way that I can. Whatever scale is possible, step by step, we can rebuild the fabric of magic. What if I asked you not to do that? What do you mean? What if I asked you to swear that you wouldn't try and bring back magic? I'm a wizard, Tacoma. I am magic. And Chamberlain, like, speaks and says, this is what the Menders are attempting to do.

This is what the Menders are attempting to avoid. Beings like this, taking and making and breaking their power when and where they can. Do you understand? Uh, I take the box off, and I'm like, I turn to Perel, and I'm like, I'm sorry. It's too much of a risk. And I hand it to Chamberlain. What? And Chamberlain holds the box in their hands, and says, the logical decision. What does Perel say? Perel says, Tacoma, please. I can try and fix things. For me, for you, maybe someday for everyone.

All right, that's good enough for me. And then I, uh, so then I take the axe, which is, uh, the, like, the spirit axe, which can smash any stone, right? Uh-huh. Which includes ward stone. Uh-huh. Now, you're not gonna make some fucking rule about that last minute? Tac's already broken ward stone before. I take the axe, and I smash the box and Chamberlain. Whoa! Ugh. Fuck! Yikes. Okay. That was the test. That was the test. The test for Perel? Perel? Yeah.

I wanted to see if he would turn on us if he thought that we had betrayed him. Whoa, that's dope. Yeah. That was the point. Oh, smart, smart, smart. Sorry I almost hit you. Okay, um, okay, so give me, yeah, I guess that's a hack and slash, right? Well, I, it's hard, because, like, are you doing both things at the same time? I'm taking the axe. Yeah. And, like, Chamberlain is standing in front of me, right? Yeah. With the box.

And I take the axe and, like, kind of, like, sneak attack, like, swing it from the bottom. Yeah. So it would hit him both. Yeah, through the box and then through Chamberlain. Oh, I see. Okay, I see. Cool. Okay, so, yeah, hack and slash, 2d6 plus strength. Nine. Oh, I'll aid. I'll crystal glass. Crystal punch to the stained glass face. Yeah! Okay, so 2d6 plus bond. Oh. Ten. So, making a, making Tuck's roll a ten. Yeah. An unmitigated success. Yes. So, how does Ving aid? Um.

He talks to Larry and Chad, too, and, like, and he uses his fist. Right. He communes with them and lets them know that they're about to pass through some magical glass. He, like, really prepares them. Like, he can make them more powerful by getting them aligned with the vibration they're about to attack. And also, he's doing it in tandem. Yeah.

So, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, And also he's doing it in tandem.

So he's like punching to distract him. Okay. All right. Tacoma, give me a D10. Two. Tink. That is not great. Yeah. Damn. So Chamberlain standing there holding the box and Ving lunges forward. It's that sort of thing where you all, before Tuck even swings, the two of you know that he's going to because you fought together so often. Like you know that he's kind of tensing up. You can see the sort of micro movements that he's ready to fight. Yeah.

So just as Tuck is swinging up, Ving lunges forward. And the axe hits the edge of the Warnstone box and pushes it a little bit up. Like it moves. And you think for a second that it's not going to break. And then just crunch right through the middle. It shatters. Different pieces of work. Warnstone fly all over the room. And Chamberlain's hands are just empty.

It's surprisingly anticlimactic for a thing you've been waiting for and wondering if it would happen for weeks and weeks, months and months. But it's just crumbled on the ground. But the axe hits Chamberlain's body and just scrapes up against it. And Ving's claws dig in and just break off. Like parts break off on Chamberlain's body. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Oh. Oh. Last minute, oh, he's going to save Perel. So he kind of was mid-air for this.

And instead he lands on Chamberlain. And he's like, well, I should probably do something here. He has wild diarrhea. And Chamberlain's just standing there. Like, they almost don't know what to do. And they just look at the pile of rubble and at you and say, no. And they step forward. They grab Billy. Like, a hand comes up and grabs Billy and steps forward. And Billy, you can feel this, like, stained glass hand gripping into your flesh and reaching to the point of, like, my arm is going to break.

Like, he's grabbing you really hard. And you hear cracking as different parts of Chamberlain's body snap off into these, like, rigid jagged glass shards. And, Billy, you feel a snap as your arm breaks. And there's sounds of shattering as jagged pieces of glass start coming off Chamberlain's body. And they sort of unfold like this horrid stained glass flower covered in thorns. And they're just holding Billy up in the air. And they say, no.

And they step towards Tuck and Ving with horrible intent in their eyes. Their weird stained glass lead-lined eyes. And just as they're reaching out to Tuck and Ving, you see pieces of glass start coming off their body. And with that movement, they just crumble into a pile of multicolored sand. And standing where Chamberlain was, is Perel. And that's where we're going to end the episode. Nice. This has been Spout Lore. My name's Sean O'Hara.

I've been the Game Master with me as always, playing Fat Billy the Halfling Thief, Jessica Tai. Wow. Bye, guys. Playing Tacoma Dome, the Barbarian Abdulaziz. Goodbye. Playing Ving, the Half-Elf Druid, Paul Oppers. My mind is blown. Thank you to Wes for all the technical work, Abdul for all the editing. Thanks to Mark and MP for letting us into their home where we bother their kids, Will and Carter, all day. And thanks to Aaron Reid for the intro and outro music. Thanks to our Patreon susporters.

Susporters. For all your susport. Your susport really helps. Check us out on social media, Spout Lore most places. And thank you to you for listening. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye. And so ends the tale of adventures three who tried the best they can. Though dumb and scared and lost they be, for time's abreast in revelry. And though our journey may be like a conclusion, we will not leave you without a resolution. Return next week to hear some more whilst you commute or do your chores.

And for you I'd gladly Spout Lore. Jessica, why do you have a knife? Oh, it was for the jerky bag. Okay. There's just a big knife on the table. And now what's it for? Billy, show me what you have. A knife!

Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers have health, he shifts his shape, and wields a spear with great might Peely's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends, and listen close For the tale's about to start Hey, what's up everybody?

Ha ha ha! Welcome to Spout Lore, I'm your Game Master Sean O'Hara And with me as always, playing Fat Billy the Halfling Thief, Jessica Tai Good morning Playing Tacoma Dome the Barbarian, Abdulaziz Hello! And playing Ving the Half-Elf Druid, Paul Opps Good afternoon! When last we left our heroes, tragedy had befallen them Following a horrible fight with a moss monster, the fight went fine for the most part Billy…

Got hurt Got hurt pretty bad, got gashed across the chest Took ten points of damage I think Shit! Yeah, it was like eight points which is It was just the most that that thing could inflict He's like Sagat Yeah, yeah, he's got the Sagat scar across his chest now Cool An escape was made, a fanny pack was acquired, who knows what it does or what it is, maybe it's just a fanny pack No, you told us it was magic Who can say for sure?

Also, a fanny pack is never just a fanny pack True, it's an accessory, it's a statement It's a crime It's a crime It's a crime It's a crime It's a crime It's a crime It's a crime It's a crime It's a crime It's a crime It's a crime It's a crime It's a crime It's true, it's an accessory, it's a statement It's a lot It's a cry for help Like where's my bus pass?

And it ended with just the job going so so south as Ving attempted to close the mouth of the cave in which you had been fighting It's closed, okay It is It is Mission accomplished The cave is closed Yeah, the cave is so closed that it doesn't exist anymore As the spirits of earth that Ving attempted to call got out of control, collapsed, the cavern underneath which you stood or above which you stood sending the tree feller into a hole in the ground and billy uh also turned a river into wine and now billy has a little mechanical support in uh in the way of a brand new move that we have created called switcheroo he do which maybe which maybe we'll get a chance to use today who knows so with that being said we open on the three of you and mirrors and vev in yuliam's office yuliam is sitting at a desk with his hands over his face a deep deep sigh uh escapes his mouth as he looks at all of you with a wooden clothespin over his nose all right we suck and and says so you understand that we will not be paying for your services yeah I mean you didn't you hadn't promised anything even to begin with oh I think you'll remember that we promised you a delicious delicious that we promised you delicious a deliciously stylish bedroom set including armoire and I think a bed frame yeah we told you we couldn't take that and you will not be taking it anyways we didn't even want it we we got the revelry instead you got the revel oh you thought that was your payment our reward is that justice has been done to to who or what uh tuck tuck it away like you shouldn't you shouldn't be upset about the tree feller you should be happy that we discovered this imminent threat to your town and possibly destroyed it partially yeah right this boss yeah yes it's magically active moss though being pulled out this moss and it's like you dumped it out you dump it out I did on his face on his face on his face on his this you just this moss and holds up an empty mason jar you said last episode that you dumped it out god damn it like this is a fucking problem for you man like this moss killed dozens of your loggers dozens like yeah everyone was dead you should be more concerned about that than the oh every life lost in pinewood is a is it is a trash a a a well and also you can't go now well I mean yeah you'd have to like dig it out great and he says okay okay even if there was a room full of coins under the ground what am I supposed to do with that information well I mean that you're kind of missing the point wait what is the point the point is the fucking town is in danger oh yeah that yeah for sure look at this cut I got and Billy opens up the chest region and William goes oh my lord yeah this is just a small taster of what could happen to all of you do you need medical attention put some polysporin root on that oh yeah I don't feel very good so yes okay I'm gonna make up and use one of my poultice herbs to get some little oh shit oh shit I forgot we all forgot wonderful so William William William William William William William William William William William William William William William William William William William William William show you.

Yes, please do. Please do. Okay. Let's take a field trip. So you take him to the tree and he is up close to this little patch with his like little glasses on his nose and he's looking real close. Oh, this is unusual. What would you suggest in terms of dealing with this threat? Don't lick it like I did. And it doesn't like wine. Any alcohol. Any alcohol. Oh, oh, okay. And he pulls a little he pulls a flask out of his like coat and opens it and pours it on the pours it on the moss.

And yeah, it just shrivels up and dies in front of him. Oh, okay. Well, this seems manageable. How much moss did you say that it was? It felt like a lot. Fucking acres. Huh? It was loud when I talked to it. There's a lot of weight behind it. Oh, okay. Well, thank you for this information. Well, we're sorry that you're gonna have to spend all your booze on this moss now. I know you guys like to party.

Speaking of which, it's at this point while you're all standing around this tree that Merbo runs up like breathless with a bucket and he's like, Yelium, Yelium! And he gets kind of to the radius of you and stops and goes, oh, covers his nose. He goes, Yelium, you're gonna wanna see this. And we cut to Yelium follows Merbo all the way down to the shore of the lake and the waters of the lake, have started taking on a deep purple color. Oh, Jesus.

And everybody is just standing at the shore of the lake like aghast. There's just this wide expanse. It's still mostly lake, but where you're standing, it's just deep purple. Oh, shit. Man, they are fucked. Shut up. You guys are fucked. Fuck. And Yelium turns to all of you and goes, why didn't you say? Uh, what, did I say wine? I don't think we said wine. Yeah, I don't. I think it was a Merlot. Yeah. Yeah. Let me taste this Merlot. It's actually a Chardonnay. I don't know.

It's not technically a wine. And Merbo, Merbo stomps back up like, to where you're standing with the bucket. And he goes, yeah, it's wine. And he takes a big swig and he spits it out. And he goes, it's bad wine. Hey, now. But it is unmistakably wine. Well, now you can defend your city from the moss. We better get going. And Yelium, this is the thing is he's just kind of pissed. Like he's pissed and he's confused. But are we going to fuck this town if they don't have any water? I mean, who knows?

Like the way that the, as far as, as far in as you were to the woods, when you, when Billy made this wine, this could fuck up water supplies for like miles around. So the whole forest is going to die. Who knows though? It's not just, that's the thing is it's not just wine. It's magic wine. Right. You know what I mean? Like it's not, who knows what's going to happen? The world is weird that way. And also it's like the way that the workshop was set up.

Is this wine, the source of it was like, uh, surrounding what could potentially be a wizard hotspot. So this could just be a whole situation. Can I, can I wait in? Yeah, certainly. I'm going to try to fix this. Oh, interesting. Using Billy switcheroo. Yeah. I'm going to try it. It's worth a shot. All right. What's Billy want to turn it back into? Water. Just water. Yeah, for sure. Uh, this is, this would be on a massive scale. Oh yeah. Yeah. Cause it came about due to a seven to nine, I think.

Yeah. With an untrained move, but okay. Yeah. Let's get it at the source. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, we can definitely try. So what's built, what does this look like? Well, Billy, uh, like belly flops into it. Well, I guess onto his back actually. So back flops onto it and he's like, just stop it. He yells at the wine and he starts like floating around like a little fish. All right. Wine angels. Yeah. Wine angels. Oh, that don't look good. Oh, Billy drowns.

He doesn't even matter about anything else. You rolled two ones. Yeah. Sean. That's the rarest roll. Yeah. So that means I succeed. You failed. So hard. Jessica, you failed so hard. It went back around to a success. Came to the other side of a success. Okay. Mark a point of experience. Okay. I'm going to not use those dice again. Uh, okay. So what do we think happens? A catastrophic failure.

I kind of imagined like the, the wine Lake gang all pissy and just like starting to like, like leave, like dry up or sink back into the ground. So the Lake is like emptying. So I told it to stop. Right. Yeah. Cause you're talking to these things like they're people. Right. So yeah. Okay. So Billy's in the Lake and he's doing his best to affect his fairy magic. And as you're all saying, standing on the shore, it, the level just starts to go down. Oh, it's working. Oh yeah.

Not extremely quickly, but like centimeter by centimeter, it's just lowering. So essentially, yeah, we're seeing like the tide go out on all sides of the Lake. Yeah. Yeah. And it gets like maybe half a foot out while you're standing there, but on all, like on all edges of the shore. Fuck. It's not working. Uh, can Ving try world talker? Yeah. I mean, yeah, sure. Yeah. Um, see the patterns of makeup, fabric of the world.

You can apply your spirit, tongue, shape, shifter, and study essence to pure elements. Like wine is a pure element. So you're trying to talk to the Lake. I'm trying to talk to the water to convince it. Come back. Yeah. Yeah. So you, um, reach out and make contact. Oh, you don't have to roll for this. You just talk to it. Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Vings wasted by the way. He dives into the Lake. I feel like Bing might have a drinking problem since we came back from the spirit. Yeah. Yeah.

He can't find himself. He died. He feels different. He's dead. He doesn't know what to feel. He says what he's singing and like doing the backstroke and drinking or in wine. I'm talking to Billy. I'm like, it's weird. Cause he's aware of the emotional problems that he's covering up with the alcohol. Yeah. Uh, you reach out and connect with the spirit of the Lake and it's like, Hey man, what's going on? Oh, hell no, dog. What's up? It's good to see somebody, man. I'm just having a crazy day.

You don't know how it goes, man. You're so cool. Stop. You're my favorite element. Seriously. You're my favorite element. It's been so long since I've talked to a Druid. What's up, man? I love you, man. I love you, man. I love you, man. I'm going to take you to a place where you can have a good time. Where are you going? Where are you going? Where are you going? Where are you going? Where am I? What? I'm just going to underground, man. It's nice down here. No, it's so nice up here.

Stay up here, man. Look at all these people. Yeah. Yeah. Look at all these trees. They love you. Oh, that's nice. Cause you know who hates me right now? Is the fish bro. They are not happy. You know what else? What? I think you hate you. What? I think that's why you're so drunk right now. I don't know, man. What do you mean? What do you mean? Why are you drinking so much? It's just the way that it goes. You know, man, I'm just a leak, bro. You took to it so quickly. Like a fish in wine.

I don't know. I have a fucking problem, man. I don't know what to do. Those are fish. This is a poor fish, man. You know, it's just a fish. He doesn't know. There's a frog. Oh, my God. The frogs. I don't know, man. I think I should go. I got to go. I'm going to get out of here. You can't go. Anywhere you go, there you are. You need to stay here and deal with this. Come back to water. You got to roll something. A parlay? A parlay. Yeah, a parlay. What are you offering the lake?

I'm offering the lake a chance to be whole again. Parlay is tricky because you need to have something that they want. Maybe there's industry. Yeah, purpose. Yeah, there's purpose. The water seems so sad about the fish and the frogs. Oh, yeah. You're just like, you are the vessel of life. For this whole world. You are the entire world. The entire environment. And these guys aren't dead. They're not dead. They're just really drunk. Yeah. Everybody can live. All the seaweeds can live.

You can be the place where life exists. You can purify everything. The trees. The trees can stay healthy. And they'll keep the town healthy. The salamanders. Think of the salamanders and crawdads. I guess, yeah. Maybe Ving is like, we need reasons. We need reasons to convince this lake to turn back into water. The salmons. Think of the salmons who live at the end of the lake. The salmons. Think of all the little kids that will be able to play on you without getting fucking shit. Yeah.

Think of all the sandcastles that are going to be covered in flies all the time. Yeah. Nice. Think of all the people that go swimming. They come out so sticky. Yeah. Think of the boats that won't work. Think of the dogs that go galloping into your waters. And they come out and their paws are so sandy and mucky. Okay. So the lake starts receding. Like, it stops receding. It's receding for a little bit. And it's like, you think I can still help? I think you can. This town needs the lake.

Wine or water. Whatever. They love you, man. And you love them. Really? Yeah. Right, guys? Yeah. Yeah. You say right, guys, and they're like, what? What? He's just standing there and he says, right, guys? And then everyone goes, yeah. Because they know. They know. Weird shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The yes and. All right. Roll a 2d6 plus. What is that for parlay? Charisma? Charisma. Holy shit. 12. 12. Fuck yeah. Unmitigated success. Success. Because, you know, Ving is saying this to himself.

He realizes he's like the lake of wine. Yeah. Wow. Like, people around him need him. Sober. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. The lake hears and sees all this support from you, the group of you. You know what? Yeah. You're absolutely right. You're right. You're just. I just. You got a wave. You. That's just good. And you've got a wave of you. He starts splashing around. Yeah. You little guy. He splashes against your legs a little bit. That's really weird. Don't. Okay. I can't do. I can't stick.

I can't help. You can do it. Ving starts leading a chant. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Are we supposed to chant along to this? This is what Tuck is saying. Are we supposed to chant along? Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. I don't know if we're yelling at the lake or with it. And you know what happens? Is the shores pull back up to the edge of the lake a little bit. And you see something. You see some of the fish that plopped up to the top of the water. Mm-hmm. Like kick. And then dive back under.

You're doing it, lake. You're doing it. And Billy, the cut that was on your chest has started to heal up a little bit. Wow. Wow. And anybody that's touching the wine in the lake, you feel a bit of a tingling on your skin. Why? Get in the lake, everyone. All right. Yeah. And it's just, you just feel rejuvenated. Oh, cool. In a strange way. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. It's just got a nice little like tingly vibe. Hmm. And Yilliam is looking at the water and like touching it on his hands.

And he sees like little calluses disappearing on his hand. He goes, what is this? What have you done? I've convinced the lake that it loves to be here and it has a purpose. Oh. My, my, my. I don't quite want to say thank you. But. But you know. Yeah. I think we can make this work. I think we can. I think we can figure something out here. I think you can. I still wish that our tree feller wasn't destroyed. I really do. Hey, man. Eggs in one basket. Yeah. This is how adventuring works.

You do some random shit. You break some stuff. You fix some other stuff. And you move forward. You do the best with what you can. Yes. And I think we will. We will. Now. From the bottom of my heart. Please. Get out. Okay. Fair enough. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I thought he was going to say get the fuck out. Yeah. That's very polite. It was a lot more polite than we thought it was going to be. Thanks. We're very shaking all his hands. Yeah. We're shaking all their hands. Thank you. Thank you.

It was so nice to meet you. It was great to meet you. That was good. Sorry. Your name was? And he's. Vevean. Vevean. You were amazing. You should go. Okay. I'm already gone. Yeah. Baby, bye. Yeah. And Mears is standing at the edge of town with Francis and the cart. Are we done? Are we leaving? Yeah. It went about as good as it could have gone. That was weird, guys. Yeah. It got bad, then really great. Yeah. So I kind of wish I took a cup of it with me. Yeah. What's his name?

He still has a bucket. Yeah. Merbo's just slamming a bucket of healing wine. It's mine. All right. Should we get out of here? Yeah. Okay. Did you ever fuck Kim or what? Oh, my God. Did you get his address? Well, here. Pinewood. Well, do you know? Do you know which room he's in? We can do this before you go. Oh, my goodness. I think he's in room 69. And then I grab a random person, and I'm like, do you know where Kim lives? And Mears hops up on Francis and is leaving.

I grab onto the cart, and I stop Francis. Francis is doing like a mud walk forward. I shake a random person. I'm like, look me in the eyes. I swear to God, if you don't fucking tell me where Kim is right now, I will put you in the ground. Mears stops. I said bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Shut the fuck up. But Mears is like, we had a very nice farewell. I don't want to revisit it. I feel like it's that sort of thing where you say one thing, and it's really cool, and it goes well.

What did you say? What was cool? Yeah. What did you say? Okay. So he said, well, I guess I'll see you around. And I said, not if I see you first. Which I thought was pretty slick. We're all the characters are laughing. Oh, yeah. No, no. Yeah. What? What are you, 14? I thought it was cool. Should I go back? Should I say something cooler? We should definitely go back. Yeah, we should go back. How do I? I feel like it was just cheap in it. You know what? We'll just, we'll just, we'll drive slowly.

You stand up on the cart and put your fist up in the air, and we'll slowly drive out of town. Yeah. That'll be cool. I'll play a guitar riff behind you. Okay. Should I, should I hold my sword? Should I pull my sword out? Yes. Hold your sword up. Yeah. I'll take the reins. Billy's, you're going to drive, Billy? Yeah, I'm going to drive Francis. Yeah. Okay. And I'll grab the person who I've been holding onto, threatening for Kim's address, who hasn't said anything.

They just, it's like a, it's like a 20 year old dude. And he's just like, can I go? No. Go get Kim right now. Well, do you want me? It seems like this is a thing that you want him to see rather than be a part of. Yeah. We want to see. So just like, I don't know. Lead him. Lead him near, near us. And then we'll start going. Oh my Lord. Come the fuck on. I just, I'm going to be late for work. It'd be nice if I could. Maybe this goes, Kim! Kim! Go get him right now. What's your name?

My name's Timmon. Timmon? Just a little bit of compensation I think would be nice, would be appropriate. I have a coin. I'll give him a coin. Here. Ping. And he snatches it out of the air and goes, all right, I'll go get Kim, but I'll make it casual. Dude. I'll say that, uh, that somebody stole his bucket. Timmon, you're the man. Okay. Oh yeah. That's great. See you later. And he flips the coin up in the air and catches it again and strides off. Put some stink on it. Let's go.

He starts hustling off. Okay. So we got to set, we got to set this up. So, uh, Mears looks as cool as possible. I climb up Mears and I make his hair nice. Make it cool. I do. I make a ski slope. Cool. Whoa. Whoa. What's up fucking Fred? Yeah. You know, like the 2000s hair. Okay. Okay. Cool. Mears, you look hot as heck. Are you using your spit? Oh yeah. But his spit turns into dippity doo. Yeah. I have such thick spit. I was like into my hands. Like a moose? Yeah.

And Mears is like, okay, all right. And he pulls his sword and he goes foot up, foot down. And he puts his foot up on the edge of the down. I put him on top of the top of the car. Yeah. It doesn't have, it's not covered. It's not covered? No, it's open. No, it's fine. It's shitty. It's shitty. We stack up a couple of trunks. Okay. So he's up in the air. We put him on there. All right. Pop his collar. Okay. All right. Okay. Is this good? I roll up his sleeves halfway. Oh yeah.

And I roll his, I roll his shorts up more. Oh yeah. And I put a little, a little earring in his right ear. Oh yeah. Is it right or left? It's right. Right. Mine's, I have an, my left ear is pierced. All right. That's the right ear. Okay. We got to pierce your right ear. Really? It's the sexier ear. Oh no. I meant Sean. Oh. My left. I have a pierced left ear. You have a pierced ear? Yeah. I had a pierced ear when I was a kid. This is. Fucking shit. Can we.

You're so much more white trash than I ever. I had a mullet and an earring. Aw. Yeah. It was rough. It was rough. What earring did you wear? I wore a stud or a hoop. I had a hoop that was kind of like. I did buy him a hoop. Design. Wow. Yeah. Yep. That's amazing. Good look. So if, I'm pretty sure, well I guess it doesn't really matter what ear is pierced. Whatever. Not in this world. Whatever ear. But in this world. Okay. Yeah. The left ear is pierced. The left ear means you're a necromancer.

If Mears has like a left ear one, we'll just put it in the left ear. Oh yeah. Mears' left ear is also pierced. Yeah. No. Ving just puts it in his right ear. Ow. No. Oh my. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. You look cool. You look cool. Oh the cook. Remember to flex your thighs. Yeah. What? Yeah. Your thigh muscles. Those are the best ones. He's gonna be here. Just come on. We're almost done. Okay. Be cool. Go play a song. And then I.

He puts his sword up in the air. Can we roll for all of this? Like how cool we made him look? Let's. Charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent. How much? Nope. No. I mean we absolutely. All right. We got eight. But what are we rolling? Plus charisma. Yeah. I have one charisma. Yeah. What? Defy danger? That's nine. I'll aid. Yeah. I know. What are we rolling for? You're all rolling. To look super hot. I want to say that you're all rolling basically without my permission.

I would like it noted that I am sitting. Okay. So I'm going to aid him with the guitar riff. He hasn't. To make him look cool. But he rolled. Billy got an eight. Oh, what have we used? No, he got a nine. Can you use disguise for someone else? Oh. Yeah. Can you disguise him as a cooler guy? Oh, you already rolled. What should I be? That's true. Okay. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. What a tough roll. I got a three. So the music is bad. Paul. That's true. Oh, it's not even bad.

I'm rolling because I'm going to be singing the song. Yeah. Six. Six. Guys. Guys. Okay. So the music is terrible. The music's pretty bad. No, it's not even. But Mears looks hot. Mears looks like. So you got a nine. Yeah. So you don't get everything you want. Okay, fine. His hair flops a little bit. Whatever. He doesn't know how to flex the thighs. Oh, my God. Hey, hey, hey, hey. I'm all about you. Yeah. So that's the thing. The cart starts moving and Tuck goes, hey, hey, hey, hey. Wait.

And hits the string. Oh, yeah. No, do it. No, he's singing. Okay. So, yeah. Ving, do it one more time. Hey, hey, hey, hey. And Tuck hits his strings to do that first riff and snaps every single one. No, but it's not even just one. It's like, brink. And they all snap at once. Holy shit. Yeah. So mark a point of experience. Every single string on your bass is destroyed. And for some reason, when you were in high spear, when you were at short and longs or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That's my fault. Short and McWides. Short and McWides. Short and McWides. Short and McWides. Short and McWides is really. Short and McWides. Can we go back and change it, please? Re-edit. So when you were at short and McWides, you picked up like, you tried to pick up a flask. Oh, you got your bass fixed. Yeah. But you didn't get any extra strings. No. So wham, all your strings are gone. Shit. Even the weird ones on the like non-parallel heads, somehow you break every possible string.

How the fuck did this happen? He's so strong. You got too excited. What pick are you using? I lift it up and it's one of Billy's daggers. Shit. Sorry. And Billy's got a pick in his holster. That he's been trying to kill people with for a while. And we look back and… Yeah, like, Mears' hair is over his face a little bit because it fell down. So we do this acapella style as Francis is going away. Wait, Ving, you got a six, right? Or did you get a seven? I got a… Well, is it plus bond?

Oh, yeah. So seven, yeah. Okay, great. So you didn't fail. You didn't fail. Yeah, and the song is not great. Like, it's fine. The singing's fine. The singing's fine. It's seven to nine. Fine. Mears' hair is in his face a little bit. He's got his sword up in the air and he's like, I can't see anything. Is he here? Yeah, he's looking. He's looking. So Kem, you see Kem is like next to a building watching this with a bit of confusion. And a bit of, like, teenaged awe. He's like, what the hell?

And Mears goes, farewell, everybody. I return to the road in a life of adventure. But for that is my lot in life. The dust of the road shall cake my blade. Don't you? But my memories of my time here with all of you shall cake my heart. And please, when you go to sleep at night, think about the danger that I face every day. For I am a war… And the cart passes under a tree and his sword gets caught on a branch.

Like, it chops into the side of a branch and he almost gets yanked off the back of the cart. He's like, oh! And he settles back up. Does he lose his sword? His sword is stuck in the bow of a tree. And it's just hanging there and he puts his hands on his hips. He goes, farewell! And the cart passes out of Pinewood and into the forest. And then we're like, fucking great job, Mears. Great job, Mears. Ving, I feel like you have some criticisms. I think you were better with not if I see you first.

I'm sorry. That was a little over the top. I felt a little try-hard. This is what I was afraid of. You were right. You were right. Go with your gut. Go with your gut. I'm sorry. But we had fun. He is… Gonna think I'm so lame. No, that's cool. You were cool. You gotta go over the top with people. That's Tuck's strategy always. It reeked of our idea, to be fair. So at least there's that. You can blame us. That's what I thought! Oh, no. Oh, no. I'm never gonna come back. No, you'll come.

Should I go back for my sword? No. No. Mears, you have literally not done anything with that sword in the last two weeks. I fought the Moss Moth. No, you didn't. You were just waving your sword around in the air. We all saw it. We all saw it. You saw it? Oh, man. I thought I was getting pretty close, but… You were getting close, bud. Thanks. You're a great cook. You're a wonderful cook. Great cook. One of the best. Great saffron. Thanks, Billy. No problem. Thank you. Okay. Alright. Let's go.

Let's get out of here. And we're out. And you're out. And you leave Pinewood Village behind. No. You enjoyed your time there? I did. They treated me very well. Pinewood's a nice place. And you hit the road. According to Mears, the vault is only a couple days away. So you travel for a few more days through the firefields. The rains are intermittently very frustrating. You've got a tarp that you kind of hang up once in a while if the rains get really bad.

So you camp here and there for a couple nights. But on the road, it's relatively peaceful, besides the monsoons. So you have some time to… Besides the monsoons, everything's fine. But you have an opportunity, if you so choose, to investigate the Fanny Pack. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, sure. That sounds good. So where are we resting right now? I want to know our environment. Yeah. It's like Goldstream Park. Oh, yeah. Okay, so here's… Actually, I'm going to make it even more Goldstream Park-y.

The roads in the principalities are pretty nice because every once in a while, spaced out on any main or semi-main travel area is a traveler's shrine. The shrine to the traveler with the carved shelf and the coins and various other sort of road-like accoutrement and the compass rose carved into it. Piles of rocks. Yeah, just piles of whatever. It's like a geocache. Somebody shows up, they take something out of their pocket, put it down, pick another thing up.

So there's a bunch of wild shit on here. But behind that area is a relatively cleared out and maintained zone that people use for camping. Cool. So you probably camp there that night. So are the traveler's shrines almost also signposts for campgrounds? Yeah, they're like hostels. Like provincial campgrounds? Exactly. Sick. Yeah. So there… And there is… Do we think there's somebody else here? Yeah, a bunch of Australians. Yeah. They're heading up to… From the underworld.

Yeah, Mount Washington. They're going skiing. Snowboarding. Strathcona. Yeah. Hitting Strathcona, bro. So yeah, there's another cart off to the side. There seems like there's a bunch of people under an awning that they've hung up. They got a cook fire going. Oh, what are you guys cooking? Who is it? Who do we think it is? Australians. From downtown? Yeah. Can we come up with a more fantasy name for this? It's just Australia? Oh, no. Yeah. It's not Australia. Yeah. Okay.

What's the name for this region? Fantasy Australia? Yeah. Oh, is this a zone? Because we've talked about how to the east. We haven't talked about what's to the east of the principalities. What's that dick-shaped drawing map you did? Where's the southest? Where's the southest part of that dick? On the penis insula. Yeah. The dick was… The gulf of penis. Gulf of penis? Yeah. Penusians. But so there's… Penusians. Penusians? Penusians. Penusia. Yeah. Penusia. All right. Penusians. Oh, God.

Are we doing it? Are we locking in Penusia? Are we going to do Penusia? Fuck. Penusia? Penusia? Penusia. All right. We'll do Penusia. They're Penusians and they're all sitting around a campfire cooking. What is beaming? What do Penusians look like? Blonde? Yeah. They look like they've been on the road for a long time. Yeah. They're… Frosted tips. Yeah. From the snow. Yeah. Some dreads. Burnt. Yeah. Skin, like sunburnt. Yeah, totally. Peeling skin. Cool. A bit of eye makeup. Yeah.

They're wearing a lot of like the festival gear from the Mudlark adventure. Yeah. They were there too. You get the idea that maybe they're just dressed like this all the time. Yeah. Like they're just sort of ragged looking. They've got like face paint on them. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. They have a bunch of dogs with them too. Yeah. There's a ton of dogs. Yeah. And they're all just sitting under a camp… Under an awning cooking. Yeah. They've camperized their cart. Yeah.

You see a bunch of like sausages strung out on like poles over the fire. What else you guys cooking? Oh, hey there. Hey. Traveler? You wanna fucking come and post up? Come up near this fire, huh bud? Oh, yeah. Guys, what do you think? Yeah, totally. Yeah, thank you. Thanks. Yeah, we could pitch in. Yeah, hit the hit the stones, bud. Check them out. Here, move over. Hey, Trevor, move over, bud.

And Trevor slides down a log and there's a little bit of space and then he sees Tuck and he tries to slide down a little bit more. Yeah, they're just opening. They're like, hey, what brings you to this part of the principalities, huh? Where's Hedden? We're… Delivering mail. We're delivering mail to Blackglass. Yep, we're all postmen. Yeah, we're mail people. The roads are dangerous for mail people. That's why I got hired. That is why I hired these three caravan guards.

We are here to deliver letters. See? And he holds up a little tiny bag. Letters are in this. And his eyes are bugging out. Yeah, they're just small letters. Like individual letters. I think there's a B in there. We got a G. I am a mailman. I'm a post-deliverer. What are you guys doing here? We're just traveling, bud. You know how it is. You gotta hit the road to know the road, you know? I feel like you know. You hit the road, you know the road, and then you know the road inside, right?

Are you guys Penusians? Penusian, yeah, bud. I'm from North Penusia. Are you guys doing your walkabout thing right now? Yeah, that's the thing, you know. In Penusia, when you hit a… You know, you hit a certain time in your life, you just gotta hit the road. How long do you guys do that for? You know, not too long. Maybe five, six years. Wow, holy shit. That's it. Wow, that's like my whole life. Yeah, I guess it would be. Hi, little buddy. And there's a dog getting really close to Billy.

Like, aggressively close? Just like too close. And I don't know how you all feel about dogs, but you know when a dog gets really close and you kind of tense up? You're like, what's this dog doing? It's like that. It's like… Yeah, can I help you? Oh, don't you mind Chomper. He's just friendly. He's a friendly bud. Chomper? Chomper. Call him that because of his big-ass chompers. You know how it is. I do know how they are. Billy's just looking straight into his mouth.

Well, anyway, you guys want some of these snossages, huh? Oh, thank you. That's very kind. Yes, we'd love to. We have some leftover paella if you want it. Oh, I don't even know what that is, but I'll eat anything. You know how it is on the road. Beers? Yeah, throw it in the pile. Yes, I have paella next to my letters. He turns around to go back to the cart and you hear him go… And you just kind of settle into a meal. Unless there's anything that you want to learn from the Panusians.

What's the news on the road? Which direction are you going? They're like, yeah, we're heading into the Cybra Mountains. We heard there's some wicked ski slopes up there, so we're going to go see what it's like. What's skiing again? I've heard of snowboarding, but what's skiing? Skiing is like you slide on your stomach on a piece of wood. Billy. Oh, I love it. The mortality rate's like 60-65%, but if you can hit a good jump, it goes up to 75-78%. Oh, yeah, it's deadly, man, but it's fun as hell.

You know how it is. But news on the road, I've been seeing it, seeing a lot of halflings. We've been hearing things aren't so good in the halfling lands. What have you heard? Some flooding or something like that. Oh, no. Shit, not so hot. So if you see any halflings on the road, you'll see a lot more, I think, coming up. It's getting pretty rough up there. What about you? What have you heard? There's like a lake of wine and water back there. Oh, yeah, you guys should definitely check it.

Check it out. Yeah, you guys should check out Pinewood. Pinewood's a beautiful town. Yeah, we always rep Pinewood. Yeah. Do you guys like to party at all? Oh, do we like to party? They party. Trevor loves it. Jordan, he's a big party guy. Me, oh, I'm the king of parties. What's your name? Oh, yeah, I'm Trevor, too. Oh, nice to meet you, Trevor, too. No, well, that's good enough. Yeah. That's my brother, Trevor, and that's my other brother, Trevor. This is Jordan. That's his brother, Jordan.

And, yeah, we're just… A bunch of dudes just chilling out on the road. Just a bunch of guys being dudes. You know how it is. We're going to hit that wine lake up for sure, though. Yeah, and they've got like a great theater scene, too. Yeah. Do you like the Lone Tree Hill minstrels? I don't know. That's not really my thing. But Jordan's like Lone Tree Hill. They were in Pinewood? Yeah, the local theater company's doing like a… They do a cover of it. No way. Yeah, man, it's awesome.

You should check it out and stay there. They have really good food. Nice places to stay. Good people. Yeah. Yep. Don't tell them we sent you, though. For sure. Yeah. All right. I don't even know any of your names. So… That's a nice dinner. Yeah. So you're camping, and you have an opportunity in the night to check out the fanny pack if you're interested. Are we in our tent? Yeah. Yeah, you're in your little tent. We're away from these. We've gone back to our kind of area. Yeah. Yeah.

So they're like nearby, but not too close. Cool. Cool. So it's a fairly wide open area. The trees were cleared like decades ago. So there's on the edge of the forest, and then there's a little grassy zone to the other side. Should we do… So are we taking a look? We're all taking a look at this fanny pack? Yeah, let's crowd around and take a look. Should it be a Spout Lore if you want to know more? Yeah. I think so. Yeah. Okay. So, Abdul, tuck. 2d6 plus intelligence.

So I'm spouting lore on what the fanny pack is? Yes. Okay. Oh. Five. I can't help. We can't help. Fuck. Can both of us? Nope. No. No, you can't. We always ask that. You literally ask every time. Yep. Yeah. Wait a minute. Don't I have wide wanderer? Yeah. Can I use that here? For what? Do you even know what it does? No. And what horrible thing happens? Yeah. So I just… How I investigate it is I open it up, and I rifle around in there. Maybe Mirrors is like, okay, we got to be really careful.

Careful with this. And I was like, yes. Open, reach in. So you reach in, and you're like, okay, what's going on in here? And you feel something pinch on your hand. Ooh. And your arm gets yanked further in. Like deeper in than there is. Yeah. And it goes up to almost your shoulder. Holy shit. Talk, talk, talk. And you're stuck fast. And it doesn't look like I don't have an arm. You have this. It's just a bag on the end of your arm. Whoa. Like right here, and then bag, and then nothing. Oh my God.

I'm trying to pull it off. It's stuck. It's stuck fast. What does it feel like? Does it hurt? It's just something is clamped onto your hand. Holy shit. Cool. Wow. So you've got no right arm. I start laughing, because I'm like, this looks fucking crazy. And Mirrors is like, ah, ah. Tell me about it, man. Oh no, it's PTSD. Yeah, Mirrors is like, no, oh my God. And he starts yanking on the bag. Okay. And it's not coming off. Mirrors, relax. Chill out. It's fine. I think my hand is still in there.

Oh shit. I know how to get this off. I go get a slab of butter, and I rub it on the base of your arm, and I'm like, just slide it out. It's good thinking. Does that work? That's dumb. Nope, it is. No, like the butt, now your arm's all buttery, and you feel the butter running down your arm. Yeah. Like in the bag. I tell everyone, I can still feel the rest of my arm, so it's in there. I'm like moving my hand in front of it. I think it's a Forever bag. You guys remember Forever bags?

I remember the commercials for Forever. Yeah. Forever bag. Forever bags. We want to have Forever bags. So, yeah, this was a commercial that played during Lone Tree Hill. Yeah. For Forever bags, which were just bags that kept folding out, and out, and out, but you might have heard stories of things like this from the pre-Exodus days. Yeah, I mean, magical artifacts that I've heard of that are like this, is like, they, they're bags that can just hold an infinite amount of shit.

How do you get things out of them? Have you heard about that? No, I have no clue. God dang it. Can I, do we do a move? I mean, you guys, yeah, tell me how you work this out. Okay. Like, the only thing I can think of for myself is trap expert. But, I am already in a trap. Yeah. Yeah, trap expert's like, is there a trap here? Okay. That would have been good before. That would have been good before we, I put my hand in here. But you did so fast. I know. I was so excited to find out what was inside.

I know. Okay. All right. Hold on. Wait, hold on a second. And then I, I go back over to the other campsite. Okay. And the Penusians are like, mostly going to sleep. Yeah. And I'm like, hey guys, we had a little bit of an accident. And then I pulled up the back. And you're like, whoa, buddy, are you okay? Yeah, I don't know. Where'd your arm go, bud? It's in here somewhere. What? Yeah. What do you mean? I don't know. I just thought I'd freak you out. Anyway, good night. Wait, wait, wait.

And they're all like talking to themselves. Like, what the hell was that? What the fuck? I don't understand. So they don't know. No, they have no idea. Okay. Magic has mostly left the world, except in some specific places. Does Perel know? Yeah. Hey, Perel. I go to the carton I root for the box. You find like some granola bars. Perel, I throw the granola bars. Yeah, there's granola bars flying through there. You don't even eat them? I don't even eat them. I'm in such a panic.

He's too stressed out. Yeah. And Perel pops out. Oh, hello. What's, what's going on? My man, take a look. And I walk up. I'm like, high five. Yeah, I walk up. And I'm like, hey, high five, Perel. We found a magic fanny pack. He stuck his hand right in. Now it's steadfast on his arm. We put a butter on it. Nothing seems to help. Give me a, give me one moment, one moment. And he gets really close up to the arm. And he's just staring at it like, this is awesome. This is so cool.

I am very, I'm sorry. I'm sorry to be so casual, but wow. This, unless I'm mistaken, I've never made one, but this appears to be bag of holding, perhaps. Is it like a forever bag? Yes, it could be described as a bag that goes forever. Yeah. The forever bag was like a thing that they based on a holding. On the bag of holding. Well, let's call it a forever bag. Cause I like my terminology more. Okay. Perel. All right. It's a forever bag. So, um, what is, what seems to be the problem? Here.

Oh, I don't know. I'm stuck inside of it. What do you mean stuck? We can't pull it off. Yeah. Here. Try. Pull. Well, I'm incorporeal. Try it. And he grabs the bag and he pulls off a copy of the bag and goes, see, what is that? And he throws it up in the air and it disappears. Incorporeal. What is, what the fuck does that mean? I can't, I can't, I can't touch. I feel like this has come up. I'm a magical projection of myself. But you've done it before. Can you just do it again? Done what before?

But the body, God, the fish, I don't know. That was in the spirit realm. Oh, useless. Wow. Enter one of us. Wow. No. Yeah. Enter us. No. Well, I mean, Vingas takes like undoing the strings on his shirt, taking his tunic off. Enter me. No, no, no, no, no, no. I can't enter you. I can help. I can try and help. Hey, try and help. How do we get this off? How are we going to help? Hmm. What does it feel like in there? I don't know. Just like tight. Like everything's, really tight. Yeah.

Does it feel like you're stuck in a mechanism or does it feel like a living thing? Uh, it feels, it's like pretty slick in here. Oh, that doesn't seem right. As far as I know, living things don't have a good time in forever bags. Well, then we need to get this thing off of him and him out of it. Have you investigated it any further than jamming your arm inside? I just put my hand in it. Can Ving look around and like, see if there's any reading or writing or anything? Give me a discern realities.

2D6. Plus wisdom. Oh, nine, nine. So that means you get one, one question from the discern realities list. Uh, and that list is what happened here recently. What is about to happen? What should I be on the lookout for? What here is useful or valuable to me? Who's really in control here? What here is not what it appears to be. I think what here is not what it appears to be. Okay.

So you notice that, um, like on the edges of the fanny pack, like near the corners, you see tiny little, catches like little tiny wooden toggles that look like they're holding something together. So Pearl, what's these, what's with these fucking toggles? Should I touch these? I, I start twisting them very lately. Yeah. And it's like, they're coming apart. Like it's like, it's holding something together. Like it's holding an additional compartment together. Okay. Toggle them off. All right.

You toggle them off and it, the whole thing starts to unfold. It like, Oh, it opens wide and then wider and wider and wider. And it becomes like a dome shaped tent. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Yeah. Is my arm still in here? Oh yeah. And Tuck's arm starts to, well, you're still kind of in the opening of it. Yeah. Yeah. And inside this opening, as you have described it as being slick, uh, you see the rest of Tuck's arm and there's a huge worm on it. What the fuck is that?

Uh, Hey, Perel doesn't know what that is. I talked to the worm. And he goes, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, I pull the worm off. I grab, I try to grab it. So slippery. Okay. Yeah. It's got it. It's, it's outside is surprisingly tough. Yeah. But the inside is like slick and wet. So, so, this is so gross. Can I stick my staff in there and try and pry them off? Yeah, totally. I try and pry them off. Defy danger strength. Yeah. Staff. Uh, nine, nine.

Okay. So you stick, you stick your staff in there and pry it off and it starts coming off. Tucks arm and it releases his arm and hits the ground. And it's about, you know, it's like a foot and a half, two feet wide. Jesus. And it's got this big open, like. Anus mouth. Sphincter like mouth with little, with little like dull teeth on it. Like the teeth aren't sharp, but there, there's a lot of them. And, uh, yeah, like a butthole.

And, um, it hits the ground and it starts like chomping up your staff and it's like, nom, nom, nom, nom. But, but it tucks arms free. Okay. So I take the ax. Yep. And I do like a quick flip with it and I bring it just down on the worm. Okay. Hack and slash. 2d6 plus strength. Eight. Eight. Okay. So that means that you deal damage and it deals damage to you. Okay. So, uh, roll your damage. Five. Five. Okay. Um, you feel it's, it's high.

It is pretty tough, but your ax has no problem and you just whack right through it. Some liquid, splashes out of it and gets on your arm and starts to corrode a tiny bit. Ah, take roll a D for the little pyramid boys. One, one. Okay. And this does, uh, I have natural armor though. Bypasses your armor. So you just take one damage and it just corrodes a little bit into your skin, but the worm is dying. It's basically dead. Oh yeah. I missed the worm. Why was he in here? Who knows?

Do all these bags get worms? Who knows? Well, there's like a tent now, right? Yeah. It's like a dome shaped, kind of, like brown. It's the same material as the fanny pack was. It's like a brown leather tent. Should we look in the tent? Yeah. Wait, hold on though. I'm going to do trap expert. Oh yes. Hold everyone back. We're just like opening the flaps. Hey, what's going on in this tent? Yeah, probably just tugging our legs. No, no.

Uh, so, oh, something I will point out is, uh, you notice that the worm's acid corroded the skin on Tuck's arm, but not your staff. Strangely enough. Strangely enough. And as it starts to like deflate a little bit, the worm. Yeah. And you notice like, little lumpies in it. I look at those lumpies. It's got little lumps. I go at those lumps. I'm going to pry them open. I'm going to roll on a table. I love to roll on tables. So I'm going to give one to each of you. Oh, cool. Yeah. So roll a D10.

Seven. Seven. Uh, now roll a D4. Four. God damn it. Why do I keep doing this? You find a big sack, like a burlap sack. And it's just jangling with coins, my man. Just jangling. How many? Four hundred coins. Holy shit. Uh, but it's really fucking heavy. It's four weight, which is like, not a lot of stuff is four weight. So like a suit, a full suit of plate armor is four weight. Okay. So it's like, like carrying around a suit of armor. Okay. Cool. Big old coin. Okay.

So Jessica, you rolled a D10 as well. Uh, one. One? Yep. Uh, roll, uh, a two D8. Uh, a seven and a six, seven and a six, which is 30. Of course we all know 13. Yeah. Uh, you find a little, um, red stone that Billy's, uh, adept thief like hands know to be an uncut Ruby. Oh, beautiful. 13 coins. Uncut. So soft. Ruby is only worth 13. Yeah. It's not cut. It's not valuable. Okay. Yeah. So you got a little, little tiny red stone. Looks nice. Yeah. In a pocket. Yeah. Tuck, roll a D10. Seven.

Roll again. Why? Cause Paul got a seven. That's fucking bullshit. It's not fair. So there's only a few things you can, uh, okay. Two. Uh, you know what it is? It's a, um, it's a, you know what a bullseye lantern is? No. It's a lantern with a cone on it. So instead of being like an area of light, it projects a beam of light. Oh, fuck. Who cares? This thing sucks. I thought, I throw it in the fucking cart. It's fucking piece of shit. I hate that fucking worm. Yeah. Stupid fucking worm.

I'm the one that got burned and things. The one that got all the fucking money. Hey, Hey, this is a hundred percent all of ours. I don't care. I wanted to be the one that found the big thing. I won't seven. I should have. Can I investigate this lamp? See if it's anything cool. It's a lamp. It's a bullseye lantern. Tuck is cranky and tired. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck this. It makes sense. That you all at that getting different numbers. Is that the thing, right? Rolling doubles is boring.

Or do you guys want? No, no, no. We're not going back. It's fine. He already had his tantrum. Stupid fucking lamp. Yeah. Mirs. Do you want a dumb piece of shit? I don't know. I don't even know what this thing's about. Fuck here. Take this lamp. It's so lame. People believe you're a mailman. Yeah. There's a hook on Francis. Can we hang it up as a headline? Yeah, totally sweet. Francis got, has got headlights now. Actually, it would make, it would make it easier for you to travel at night. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, here, Francis, a fucking gift befitting a pig. Oh, man. Jack, do you want a hundred coins? I guess we all have all the coins. Yeah, we all have the coins. It's to share. And so you all found like an almost game breaking amount of money just now. It's to share. Who cares? He just keeps saying to share. I hate sharing. Uh, yeah. So then Billy wanted, now that you've rifled through the treasure worm. Oh yeah. Is that what we're calling this thing? A treasure worm? Treasure worm.

It just eats treasure. What I've imagined is that they dig through the ground and they corrode all like natural materials. And then what's left in them is just like gold gems items. Are they related to like, uh, the, like the sandworms in McCall? Yeah, probably. And Billy wanted to make sure there were no traps in here, right? Or no, additional traps. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So that's a two D six plus. What is it? Dexterity for a trap expert? Yeah. Okay, cool. Two to six plus nine. Cool.

So that means Billy gets one move or one hold. Is there a trap here? And if so, what activates it? My instinct is no. Like my instinct is that there isn't a trap. I'd say if there was a trap, tuck already absolutely tripped it. Okay. Um, yeah, you look over at me. I'm fucking kicking the worm. It's just, it's scratching your stupid dumb ass worm. Uh, so as far as you can tell, this is a tent. All right, guys, it's clear. All right. Andre is Perel with us.

Uh, yeah, he's just like, wow, it was so small and now it's, well, it's not that much bigger, but it's pretty cool. Yeah. I mean, have you've used one of these before, right? Not like this. I thought this was a bag of holding. Wow. Look at this. This is something else entirely. Let's go in. Let's go in. All right. And it's a tent. Like it's inside. It appears by all accounts to be like a, Tuck is so disappointed. It's like, what the fuck? It's just a fucking tent. Yeah. What else is in here?

I look around. All right. What are you like investigating? Discerning reality. All right. 2d6 plus wisdom. Nine. Okay. So you get one question. Okay. What here is useful or valuable to you? You notice at the, like there's the entrance and there's like a dome shape. It's about five foot high, like a tent. And it's like, Tuck's got to crawl basically to get inside. So the tent's five foot high and like diameter is 10 feet kind of thing. Yeah. Okay.

And, um, but you see at the back edge, uh, some more snaps. Snaps? Like little toggles? Oh shit. What do the toggles look like? Uh, like a, it's like a wooden, you know, like a toggle. Like if this was like a loop of fabric, a toggle goes through and then the wood keeps it in place. Oh, you unsnap it through the loop. Yeah. And then another flap will open. Yeah. Like on a tent. Cool. You roll up the back window. Yeah. Or like on a, like on an old coat. If you don't want to use buttons. Yeah.

It's like the wooden toggles. A tooth. Yeah, exactly. Okay. Yeah. Untoggle it. Once you, you open, I push everyone out of the way. I'm like, it's my turn to untoggle it. Get the fuck out of the way everybody. You, you, I, Tuck is cranky. Yeah. I go barely into the other wall. He just rolls across the ground. Jeez. Uh, I untoggle it and I put my arm in right away. Yeah. And, um, yeah. Tuck. Oh, so it was, it was, it was raining a little bit.

Um, and you stick your arm through the back of the tent and you don't feel any rain. Hey guys, I think there's an awning back here. I look at, I look outside. There is a fairly large living room. There's a living chamber. Oh, cool. There's, there's chairs. There's like a couch. There's a table. There seems to, there appears to be like a cooking area. So, this was a door that, this was a doorway. Okay. And it opens into a, another room. Hey guys, there's like a whole little house in here.

This one's my treasure. Everybody out. I run in. Do the toggles back up. Stay on your side. And then I, I toggle them back down. I'm like, no, come in. It's, it's crazy. Ooh, this is beautiful. Yeah. So there's like a room. What is the interior decorating? It's style. It's still pretty, it's pretty tent like, like it's, this is also dome shaped, but it's century tent. Yeah, exactly. So we were in the mud room earlier. Basically. Yeah. Cool.

So it's, there's like a, there's like a rug on the ground. Everything looks kind of dusty, but there was a rug on the ground and there's seats enough for everybody. It appears there's some pillows that have fallen down on the ground and cups and bowls. And yeah, beautiful. Just like a little, it's kind of like a yurt. Cool. Yeah. Is there more toggles? Yeah. What? Like everybody's just kind of running around like, wow, wow, wow. Yeah. We're looking at all the toggles.

Or like magical symbols or paintings on the wall. And we're like, find more toggles. There's, if, maybe there's like a food court or something in here. Oh my God. And there's like a, there seems to be a wood burning stove against one wall. Oh, cool. And there's a painting hanging down from like attached to one side. Like above the fireplace? Yeah. Above the stove. There's a painting of like a very stuffy looking, very pale man, with a big gray beard and no mustache.

So he's got sort of that just chin, really big beard. It's a real duck dynasty looking. Yeah, exactly. If you were to shave their mustaches, so they look even. Yeah. Kind of, kind of Amish. And he's got big burgundy robes on and long gray hair that's swept back off a very high hairline. So there's this beautiful portrait. It's very well painted, but the guy looks so arrogant. And beneath it, there's an engraved plaque on the frame that says Morris Wadge, master, of arcane architecture.

And Perel's magical projection sees the painting and goes, ugh, this fucking guy. And that's where we'll wrap it up for the episode. My name is Sean O'Hara. This has been Spout Lore with me as always playing fat, Billy, the halfling thief, Jessica tie. So long playing Tacoma dome, the barbarian, Abdul Aziz. This is my room. It's my room. And playing being the half elf, Druid, Paul offers. This, this fucking guy. Thanks to Wes for all the technical work. Thanks to Abdul for all the editing.

Thanks to Mark and MP and William and Carter for letting us into their home yet again. Thank you to Aaron Reed for the intro and outro music and to our Patreon. Yeah. Thanks to all the Patreons to sporters guys. As of this recording, we're sitting at 80 patrons, which is frankly fucking stunning. It's amazing. Thank you so much for supporting us. And if you don't, thank you so much for listening and enjoying the show and telling your friends.

And, and reviewing, reviewing on iTunes, nothing less than five stars, five stars or more. Yeah. Uh, and Spell or fan club. It's just, it's great. We like playing this game with each other. Like this is a fun reason for us to hang out. But the fact that you're all so cool and supportive and excited about this show is continues to be very, very, very wonderful for me. Keeps it fresh, keeps it fresh, spices it up in the bedroom. You know, we should have ended before you said that.

We're in the bedroom. You ruined it. Sean, ruined it. Thanks for listening. My name is Sean O'Hara. This has been Spout Lore with me. It's always in the bedroom. That's what I do, baby. Thanks for listening, everybody. We'll see you next time. And so ends the tale of adventures. Three who tried the best they can, though dumb and scared and lost, they be for times of breast in revelry. And though our journey, may be like a conclusion, we will not leave you without a resolution.

Return next week to hear some more whilst you commute or do your chores. And for you, I gladly Spout Lore.

Now the round friends let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers have health, he shifts his shape and wields a spear with great might Peely's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends and listen close For the tale's about to start Welcome back to Spout Lore everybody I'm your Game Master Sean O'Brien I'm your Game Master Sean O'Brien With me as always playing Tacoma Dome the Barbarian Abdulaziz Hello everybody Playing Ving the Half-Elf Druid Paul Oppers Hi Playing Fat Billy the Halfling Thief Jusketai Welcome back Welcome back everybody Ourselves Us When last we left our heroes they had traveled into the forests around Pinewood Village With logger slash guide Vevean Aka Veve To track down the reasons for the missing loggers loggers and the hamstrung logging operations of Pinewood Village.

They ran into some aggressive cabbage skunks. Some piss was cast. Some mysteries uncovered. The mystery of how big Tuck's dick is was not solved. Inconclusive. It's inconclusive, but I think we can all agree it's reasonably sized. It's a good size. And also, it was flaccid, so you don't know how big it could get. We don't need to… A grower, not a shower. Maybe. You guys don't know. Who know her, right? Barely knew her.

Some blue moss was discovered by Billy at the base of a tree and taken by Ving, who put it in a mason jar. Oh, yeah, he dumped that out when he saw the other one. He's like, ah, there's plenty. It's valuable. And Perel let you know that it was magically active, for one thing. And upon arrival… Arriving at the clearing where the logging operations were taking place, you found a field of blue moss. Some lumps, some bumps, and some dumps covered in blue moss.

Ving's Sherlock Holmes-ing of the situation revealed that it appeared that this moss has overtaken whatever logging operation was here. And the moss seems to have originated in some way from this small cave mouth that Ving has discovered as well. And upon discovering this… This cave mouth, the group heard from deep within a human voice calling for help. What do you do? I go back. I go up to it, and I'm like, hi. It's a couple seconds, and then you hear even louder. Help. Help. Help. Help.

Help. Help. Help. Help. Help. And Bev is like, oh, there is someone alive down there. And she's looking around, and she's like… I understand this might not be what… Whatever warriors arrived might not be what they signed up for. If you're unwilling to go further, I understand. I'll be going. But you're welcome to join me. I would appreciate it. Long story short, you're not obligated, but… She's just saying this to Ving, and she's being so awkward and weird about it. I just… Let it go.

I want you to know that you can come if you want. You can come if you want. But only come if you want. Don't visit your grandmother unless you really love her. I feel like there's pressure to go. No, no, no, no, no. There's no pressure. But know that I'm going into almost certain mortal danger. You don't have to go if you don't want to, but I will be going. He grabs her arm. I want to go. All right. Then let's go. Billy and I have just been standing there watching it the whole time.

Yeah, and I'm just like, oh, what do I do? I was going to go too, but should we let them go alone? Yeah, it kind of feels like they need to go alone. Oh, I mean, who knows? Who knows what's down there? Well, we all implicitly assumed that we were just going to go down there with you. Oh, okay. That's fine. But do you want to go alone? No. Okay, well, let's go. All right. All right. And Mears is like, so me too? Also me? Also Mears. Do you want to watch the horse? The horse moose?

Watch the moose? Yeah, the moose goes. You could stay up here with all this moss that killed an entire… You're a careful vloggers. Or you can come with us. Are there people like frozen in fear, like a volcano washed over them? You don't see? Because the moss is thick. Like it blankets this area, except for the little spot that you found that was soaked in whiskey. Around the boots. Mears is having a hard time. It's like, all right, well, what's down in the cave probably? It's a mystery.

What if it's something luring us in? Like a siren into the deep underground? Yeah, like those blue flame balls from season one. Yeah, the non-comporeo balls. Yeah. The non-comporeo balls. You guys remember season one of our adventure? Oh, yeah, that's where we met. Yeah. Yeah, you were in season one too, Mears. I remember that. Yeah. That was easily a year and a half ago. I have an idea. What if we throw a rope down there and see what… How big is the hole? Yeah. Yeah.

Hole is, say, like five feet across. Oh, what? You said it's a small hole. It's the size of a toonie. Yeah, I thought it was really small. Oh, it's like tiny little… Little hole? Well, you said it's a small hole, so I thought maybe as big as like a cake. All right. So it's about a cake-sized hole. You know. Billy's so hungry all the time. It's about a cake-sized hole. What kind of cake is it? Yeah. Birthday? Birthday cake. Yeah. Oh, I really want Black Forest cake.

It's Black Forest, but it's a birthday cake. It can't be both. Black Forest with candles. Get this thing out of here. Yeah. But it's a cake for like a kid's birthday, so it's pretty… It's full of money? What? Money cake. Money cake. Money cake? Money cake. I mean, Biden has got money. Yeah. You never had that? Nibbles and dimes and quarters and shit. How do you enjoy the cake if it's full of coins? Because you're just rooting through it for like candy money.

Yeah, kids go through it for money, and you just end up with money at the end of the birthday party. Okay. Or you just bite really hard, and then you'd crack your tooth, and you're like, fuck, I hate this party. I hate money cake. I remember at the end of the money cake, sorry, the money cake era when people would, the moms would wrap them in cellophane because it was more sanitary. That was the problem. Or make sure you wash the money before you bake it in the cake. Yeah. So gross.

You don't want your kid putting dirty money in their mouth. Yeah, you don't want your kids swallowing dirty money. Only clean money goes in Timmy's tummy. Yeah, so it's about the size of a kid's money cake. And yeah, that's the, like, what's the plan then? Yeah, let's get in there. Can we ask the person calling for help? I want to ask them what we can do. Where is he? Like, what? He's talking to us. Yeah. Can we get more information from him? Yeah.

So you're just, it's, he sounds pretty far, or the voice sounds pretty far away. Okay. So we're going in there anyways. Yeah. Because any, like, you just hear help over and over. Even, and if you call out, you just hear help. Oh, Ving has some alcohol on him. And so he's like, wait, here. And he puts a little bit on us, on our heads. Oh. Because he wasn't in the thing. He was just sitting over there. So he pours booze on everyone. All right. So everybody's soaked in alcohol. Yeah. Great. Cool.

We can get in there. Wait, Mears, are you coming with or are you staying? I feel like I should probably come with. Come with us. God damn it. Okay. Up here I know is something bad happened in there. Who can say? Maybe they just fell in, right? Maybe they just fell in a hole. Yeah, sure. And with that, Bev is like, all right. All right. Here we go. And that's great. And Bev is like, ah, perfect. And she hops down and she calls back. It's pretty dark in here. Duh. Anyone have a light?

I go down there with the X. The X glows, right? The crystal glows. Yeah. What colors the light? Purple. Nice. Yeah. Beautiful. So the light, the cavern illuminates. My hands glow? I don't know. Do they? Yeah, they sure do. All right. That's cool. Your hands glow too. Purple hands. Yes. Tuck, you're having a hard time in this cavern. Can I like smash open the opening? You do have an ax that magically smashes rocks.

But the hole is like, if you can try and smash no matter what, it's going to be a smash smash. Yeah. Or you can roll some sort of defy danger to get in the hole in the first place. Because it is the size of a cake. Tuck is five feet across. So can I get in there? How big do you imagine a cake is? I don't know. How rich is this cake? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. So Ving yells down the hole, get some cover. Like, get to cover. We're sending rocks down. And then you can smash open the hole. Is there cover? Can they get to cover? It's a big cave. It's dark. I don't know. Is it a big cave in there? I guess I scream down there. Like, what's it? Does it like open up or anything? Yeah. That's a good question. You hear, help. Oh my God.

I'm talking to Viv. Oh. Viv, she's in the hole. She can't see unless you're down there. Well, Ving, hop down there. Take a look. Yeah, I go down there. I slither in there. All right. It stays pretty narrow for a while. It gets tighter and winds out here and there. But you get to a point where it drops down to like a ledge and then it goes back the other way. And it's a similar sized corridor. You hear the noise coming from further down that way. Yeah. And it's echoing a lot. So.

I'm just going to keep going. Guys, I'm going to keep going. All right. Yeah. Ving. Ving. Ving is heading down. Because you can't fit. I can't fit. I mean, you can smash and fit. Probably. All the way down. Can I fit? Sure. Okay. I'll smash it. Like Dig Dug. All right. With the axe. So, Ving, from above, you hear. Crush. Oh. Okay. Smash. Smash. Tuck's never gone spelunking before. And you feel a couple rocks like clatter down around your feet. And you hear like some rumbling up above.

But you've cut a hole wide enough. That you can shove yourself in. It's not going to be fun. But you can get in. I think it's fun. Okay. So. Feels like I'm a little sausage. I say that to Billy. Who's like in my beard. As I'm shimmying through. I'm trying to push you down. Way to the post. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Get your butt stuck in a honey tree or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. So, you can move. Not comfortably. But you can move. I'm shimmying. Yeah.

And Mears is in the back. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah. So, you all meet up. I imagine. And yeah. You're carrying on down this cave. And you hear help. Help. And it gets a little bit louder. And then you hear like water trickling. Like the sound of running water gets a little bit louder. And you do come out into a wider, taller cavern. Tuck. You can stretch to your full height. And the cavern isn't that high. It's maybe eight to ten feet high at most. But it's an uneven roof and an uneven. Floor.

But you hear water running. Like an underground river of some kind. And you know, the moss was coming out of the hole. So, on the ground, the moss was on the floor of the tunnel the way down. Thicker in spots than others. And as you touch it with the whiskey, like it stops moving as much. So, you're sort of leaving these dead footprints as you carry down the tunnel. And the moss is covering the floor of this cavern as well. And you hear the calls for help. Much, much closer. Going towards it.

All right. You get to a wider section of moss, like a thicker section of moss. And you see what looks like thinner logs sticking out. And they look like the same type of wood that was up above. And when you get close to those logs, you touch sort of the moss nearby. And it recedes in this one spot. And the logs start to move. What do you do? I'm going to roll trap expert. Eight. Eight. Okay. So, how does trap expert work?

On a seven to nine, I get one hold to walk through the area and ask a question. So, what question? And the questions are, is there a trap here? And if so, what activates it? Yeah. And then what does the trap do when activated? Yep. What else is hidden here? Yeah. What should I ask? Is there a trap? Yeah. Is there a trap here? If so, what activates it? Yeah. So, you can see the way that the moss is. The moss is moving on the cavern floor. It seems to be waiting for something.

And you see a pile of what looks like thinly cut timber on the side of the cavern. Like the same kind of wood that was up above seems to have made its way down here somehow. And you see the moss as it shifts and flexes over this pile of timber is moving. Like the timber is moving on itself. And you get the idea that it is hunting in a way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Something would happen. Oh, man. What do we do? Do we do… Do we fight it? I don't know. It's between… Fight what? It's between you and the hungry moss is between here and where you need to be. What should we do? Is there any… The voice? Can we call it? I'll call out. Make calls out. Hello. Hello. Hello. Yeah. Is it that big? Yeah. It's enormous. No. It echoes a little bit. But there's a number of tunnels that break off from this tunnel.

And it's just that the help is like horse with screaming. But it feels like now instead of being deep underground and down several tunnels, it's maybe a chamber or two away from here. So the way it looks like the moss is going to attack whatever passes like the center room. Yeah, like passes closest to it. Okay. Is there a way to get around it? So that we don't touch the moss and like trick it. Can the thing talker turn into the same rock as the cave and try and sneak by?

I mean, yeah, there's like it is between here and there. How wide is it? Can we jump it? Yeah, you might be able to get somebody over it somehow. Can we jump it? Woohoo! Jump it! Definitely try. It's going to be hard to judge how close you can get before it like starts going. Is there moss all the way up to it? Yeah, it's like a carpet of moss. So the whole thing is a carpet of moss. Billy, can you tell where… He's told us about this trap, right? Can you tell where the hungry moss starts?

Where is it standing? Is it standing near the pool of water? Yeah. It's in the pool of water. But I think it's starting from… Yeah, the waterfall. I'll say that again. Yeah, that's great. It's starting from the waterfall. Yeah, you see this little trickle coming out of like the side of the cavern wall and running down. It's a creek. It's a creek. Maybe a foot, two feet. Not big enough to turn into a… No, it looks old. Walrus. Like it… I mean, you could turn into a walrus if you want.

Yeah, it's like… That little trickle looks like it's been there for a long time. Okay, I'm going to try and jump it. Is that okay? Yeah. Is everyone okay with this? Yeah, try and jump it. Okay. So I like… I chug back to like as far back in the cavern as I can. Mm-hmm. And I run up and then I… Right before I get to like where the waterfall is like I try and jump, I guess, over the moss and the sticks? Yeah, I guess so. Is that how it's oriented? Yeah.

Because like it's just a pile of like branches and stuff. All right. We just see this purple wax like… Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. So that'll be a defy danger. What do we think? Strength for the power of your legs or dexterity for the speed? Probably dexterity. All right. 2d6 plus dexterity. Okay. Oh, yeah. Plus dexterity? Yeah. Nine. Six. Okay. So you partially succeed. Does anyone want to help? Yeah. I build you a ramp. Oh, can Vig turn into a rock ramp? A ramp. Yeah.

With a little bit of spring at the bottom. Yeah. Like at gymnastics. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So you're turning into something that he can jump off of? Yeah, with rings. Complicated moving parts. I mean springs. Sorry. What? No. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. No. Then yeah. Roll 2d6 plus bond. How tall is this cavern? Eight feet? Eight to ten feet. Okay. How tall is Tuck again? He's seven feet. Interesting. Okay. Dive forward. I think it's eight. Yeah. Wait.

Are you shape shifting now? Just for like ramps mostly. Okay. Structure based things. Yeah. Okay. So this is a partial success for both of you. Well, no. So that means that Tuck succeeds. Yeah. Yeah. Just a ten. And yeah. So that is enough for you to do what? What are you doing? Dive. Dive. Yeah. I dive. I run up and then I like Ving's rock form gives me, it gives me like a solid place to push off of. So I don't like slip on the moss or anything. And then yeah, I jump and I do a front flip over.

Maybe you grab a stalactite and use it to swing. Sick. Yeah. I do that. I grab a stalactite on the way. Yeah. And I use it to like push me itself the rest of the way. Push me. Shut up. Yeah. And you kind of land on the other side of this old cave Creek where there is mercifully less moss on this side. And I like I freeze for a second. Yeah. Nothing happens. Yeah. You evaded the moss and the four of you are still on the other side. Yeah. God damn. Guys, the problem solved. Okay.

Can you get, can you hear anything? Do you know what chamber is coming from? Where's the voice coming from? Yeah. I'll head in and I'll check it out. Okay. Yeah. So there's like the wall of the cave that has the waterfall coming out of it. It's a little bit higher off the ground. It's maybe two or three feet coming out of a cleft in the wall. That seems also like it's been eroded over a number of centuries, but you notice another trickle of water that seems a little bit more turbulent.

That's joining that. Hmm. And it's coming through a section of the wall that seems like it recently fell down, like it crumbled in. Hmm. And behind that appears to be a shaped smooth wall that was worked by intelligent hands. All right. Yeah. I just go in. Yeah. And you hear that the calling is getting louder and louder and louder, but it's still very hoarse and airy. So it's, did I just go into like a room that was off the main kind of chamber? Is that what it is? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Um, but through like a. Destroyed section of wall or a wall that, that tumbled in a natural floor that, that fell apart. And, uh, inside you see the water is like rushing on the ground where there's no moss. There's now this like water that's just pouring inside is a small chamber. Uh, it's water mingled with moss. And as you cross into this chamber, you see tables laid out on either side and chairs. The moss thickens up a little bit more against one wall. And there is, um, the.

Remains of a strapping looking person that seems very similar to the people of Pinewood and the moss is growing up over them. But the call for help is loudest here. And the moss flexes and pulls the chest open and then it contracts and you hear. Oh, it flexes out again and it calls for help again. Oh, and then I, uh, I call back and I was like, it's definitely a trap for sure. Oh, fuck. And then being, we just walks forward like what? Yeah.

You step a little too close to the moss and the sticks and logs start to coalesce into this vaguely human shape, uh, where a log touches the moss. It pulls up sort of like a thick mossy hand and it's forming this like part rock, part log, part moss, humanoid shape. And it's like rising up out of the moss. Oh, he said trap, didn't he? And it, uh, it starts to swing at you. What do you do? I, I, I, I, uh, duck out of the way. I dexterity my way out of there. All right. Defy danger dexterity. Wow.

Two. Two, one. Plus my dexterity is at a minus one, making it zero. Oh, wow. Crystal hands. Perfect. I got punched in the face by a moss monster. You sure do. Okay. Uh, give me a D eight. Four. Four. So you take four damage. Okay. As this, um, uh, mercifully soft mossy fist, uh, thumps you in the chest and kind of sends you skidding across the cavern back that way or towards tuck, uh, to the side, like across the river. Yeah. Uh, Bev like hefts her ax and gets ready to fight.

And mirrors is like, ah, no, my God. He's trying to get his sword out of his, out of his scab. Here's just go back. It's like, no, I won't leave my friends. And he pulls his sword out. Uh, Billy, what do you do? Um, I, um, I guess he takes out his dagger and I go at it ready to tear it apart. Yeah, totally. Uh, that's great. Billy might actually have a, Billy has a sneak attack move, doesn't he? Well, it's that shoot first, isn't it? Uh, backstab. When you, uh, yes.

Attack a surprised or defenseless enemy who's currently focused on Ving. Uh, you get to choose to deal your damage. So without rolling, you can just deal your damage. Okay. Uh, or you can roll plus dexterity and choose additional. I would like to roll and then get additional things. Okay. So 2d6 plus dexterity. Please. Fuck. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so I got 10. So on a 10, you choose two of these options. Sick. Okay. So I deal my damage plus 1d6. A d8 and then an additional d6.

Seven and then four. So 11. Jesus Christ. Fuck. Yeah. Uh, that's a lot of damage that Billy just dealt. Oh. Um, so how does Billy describe how Billy does that? Uh, Billy just like catapults himself really fast into like the, the main bod of the monster and he starts like hacking away at it's like, um, like all the moss under the feet and legs around it. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah. Moss is shearing and you feel like stick snapping. Yeah. Because Billy's like, how dare you?

You sneak us in here and hurt my friends. I'll kill you. You'll die. Yeah. Um, yeah. Whispering this to, yeah. Like, I see it. Oh my collection. Yeah. Trees and rocks. He's like inside of, I also use my mouth and I tear at it like an animal. Yeah. And you feel it. Can I get that one more to clean up? That's great. Yeah. As, as it touches your mouth, you feel that battery taste again. I handle it. Yeah. Like a champ. Like a battery eating champ. As the stick snaps, you feel.

Look how many batteries he fit in his mouth. What a champ. Billy's so tough. Um, and you do feel like parts of it snap and break a little bit as the, the form shifts and you feel the moss try and shear itself up. Uh, but yeah, you dealt a significant amount of damage to this thing. Way to go. Billy. Billy. Oh, I think I also want to, uh, create an advantage plus one forward to an ally acting on it. Sweet. What is that going to be? All right, mirrors. This is your chance.

If you really want to do something, there's like, uh, uh, yeah. Here's a standing there with this sword in one hand. Just like, um, okay. Plus one to try not to piss his pants. Here we go. Cut back in two, three, four. You just, you just hear him counting going up in the background. Stop counting. Stop counting up. He says to go backwards. He started, he goes, he's at 14. He starts counting down again, but then when he hits 70, he goes back up. Yeah, totally. Oh, you know what?

Yeah, uh, totally. And the advantage, I think the advantage can also be that Bev kind of wades in and starts swinging at this thing. So now it's trying not to, it's trying to kill Billy and, and Bev at the same time. It's like, oh my God, there's too many people here. I'm going to feast. Whoa. Um, and yeah, tuck, you're in this room with a screaming corpse and you look around. And there are a couple other corpses down here too. Are they screaming too? Uh, no, just the main one.

Uh, it's really wet in here too. Yeah. Right. Wet. Um, and, uh, the moss starts like picking the corpse up. Which one? Oh, we can, uh, Bernie's all of them. Yeah. The, the moss is flexing around these bodies and like picking up the corpses to stand up on their own two feet. And like the moss is holding them up from the legs. What the fuck? It's these weird sort of puppety people.

One of them just grabs like, it might've been a candle holder at one point, like a tall metal candle holder and just grabs it with a kernel mustard. Yeah. Yeah. It's going to get you the candlestick. The other one picks up a rope. The other one picks up a gun. Whoa. Yeah. I've never seen one of those before. The first time the first gun, uh, no, it just picks up like a metal rod basically. And they start moving towards you. What do you do? Ooh, this is the first time I'm fighting with the ax.

Oh yeah, that's true. Yeah. I use it for fight. Is that what you're doing? Can I move? That's the move I use for fight. Axe. 2d6 plus ax. Yeah. So, uh, slash. Yeah. I, uh, tuck is actually kind of scared of zombies. Who wouldn't? Why? Uh, cause there's a, there's a festival in McCall. There's a zombie fest. Uh huh. Oh wait, you want to tell me about that zombie festival for a point of experience? I was giving you an opening there. There you go. So tell me about the zombie festival.

Uh, look, every year, uh, in the, in the, uh, autumnal season, there is a zombie fest in, uh, McCall where, uh, the, uh, the zombies that live on the broken shores come back. Like there's all these, so the broken shores of the, the, uh, the salt flats on the one side of McCall and there are, uh, desiccated, uh, the dead husks of people that like walked out into the salt flats and died and then dried out.

And then they return once a year to the city, uh, to wreak havoc on the people who didn't come to save them on the salt flat. Hold on. So this is a festival. Once a year, McCall is attacked by zombies. They call it a festival. They tried to rebrand it. I thought it was like a Dia de los Muertes thing where it's like once a year, they say the corpses of the people will return. Unless you do this thing. That's just what tourism McCall said. Yeah. It's the tourism, uh, agency of McCall.

They really tried to rebrand it as a Dia de los Muertes type thing, but it's like a lot of tourists died during that. Mostly Muertes. Yeah. So once a year, McCall is attacked by salt zombies. Salt zombies. Yeah. Uh, so yeah, those are the memories. Tuck is reliving as he's being attacked by these moss people. So he's very frightened. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So I don't think he's going to fight them. He's not going to use X for fight. He's going to use it for run. Okay. All right. So he smashes cause it's, it's rock walls, right? Yeah. So he just uses the ax to like smash through the closest wall. Oh. And I imagine it being like that guy from a X-Man that runs through walls. The juggernaut. Yeah. Like he's just running and smashing every wall in front of him. Yeah. He's like, cause I imagine there's like a lot of rooms here.

So he's just, like he's like smit he like runs sideways into a wall smashes and then whatever he if whenever he hits another wall yeah just through it again wow and he so he's not even running back towards his friend he's so frightened he doesn't know what the right direction is okay um yeah he runs through a bunch of rooms like you come describe all of them in detail okay how many okay how much work how much preparation did you do for this do you want an honest honest answer so roll a d6 so you're gonna roll a d6 and this is gonna be the number of rooms that tuck runs through because he's not even running in a straight line he's running just like the first wall he sees he's like smash so scared he feels like a child again one of the zombies stole his pet rock uh so yeah give me a d6 this is gonna be the number of rooms that tuck discovers while he's running through six great great so this room is the one with tables and moss and stuff like that this doesn't count this doesn't count as a six as one of the six rooms uh is tuck taking in any of this or is he just running through he's getting glimpses okay so you get a glimpse of um what look like rotted bookshelves with like piles of moldy paper and scrolls and stuff all over the place what's two of the book title no you're running through one thing you get glimpses of book titles yeah so you see the and you see um you see the and you see abridged you eat fucking dick do you want a book title give me one kujo there's copy whoever lived here liked kujo um you see advanced thaumaturgic dynamics okay for beginners and that's huge yeah it is and you run right through it you just see beginners I yeah and then I'd see that right before I smashed through the wall that has the bookshelf on it yeah yeah you've just burst through a bookshelf in the next room this one has uh some cauldrons and uh chests that maybe held food and you burst right through that one anything labeled um yeah there's a can that says peaches what the fuck and in my mind I'm like oh I haven't had peaches in a long time smash zombies this you smash through the wall and you realize that you're stomping through a bed like the wall the bed was on the wall that you came through your knees are bouncing back too high oh yeah yeah how much thread count does it feel like is the sheets oh it's so soft okay smash and what else is in places bathtubs coins endless coins and you smash right through and um yeah a bathroom one is just like it's a really small room and it's got a box with a hole in it and there's a book and that's where I end that's the last room uh no and then you burst through that wall and you come out like into the cavern okay cool that your friends are in because you basically just went in a big circle yeah and I'm still screaming and the zombies are behind you like they're like you you burst through and you see your friends fighting this big moss stick thing and um I scream zombies yeah so runs into the room and he burst through it he's like zombies and then uh three moss covered people like shamble into the room behind him being ferried along by the moss oh my god and um mirrors takes this opportunity to go and he lifts his sword and um he starts hacking at the moss thing too and that leaves the perfect opening for ving yeah has been slammed across the room uh I I can billy with his uh thing that he turns uh bark into jerky can he get some more spirits out of the water that's in this room can we get some well you're a spirit guy no like booze oh yeah scream at me tell me what to do billy we need more booze oh for sure okay I I dive into I dive into the water I hold onto my daggers and I start thinking about milk um oh right but you know what right yeah that's what I was thinking too okay so billy hits the water and um is he is he doing it like I'm taking water in his mouth he's like no I'm doing it like this like I'm like almost like I'm trying to keep afloat and uh treading water treading water and all the water that I'm rippling is like milk yeah you see milk start running down the cavern stream behind him that's it looks like he's shitting his you know it's over the diarrhea and it creates a cloud around yeah exactly exactly uh you know how everyone knows how that happens in a pool with diarrhea yeah you know you know how we how we've all had diarrhea in a pool and during a middle school hot tub girl uh christmas is part of my life already yeah uh billy's in the in the river making milk uh making milk fucking loving it yeah this was a great idea and is that what bing's trying to do yeah yeah I thought I thought that would work but it's not working can he instantly ferment this milk uh I mean probably not billy's magic is still untested right well I better crystal knife up my hands and chop into some zombies uh so are we so was this hack and slash yeah so just just roll hack and slash wow a little bit better uh plus strength six six six uh plus billy gave you an advantage right so it's oh yeah I did oh yeah nice nice yeah it's a pass thanks billy no problem yeah that's that's that's some classic role-playing game combat shit cool uh so roll your damage three you start hacking at it but you're hitting a lot of rock oh yeah and um you're chipping away at the rock but you don't get the idea that you're doing any significant damage to it and while uh you're doing that it roll the d8 again because with seven to nine on hack and slash you do your damage and they deal their damage uh yeah it just brings up like a loggy knee and nails you right in the chest oh worst fights tuck you've burst into the room yeah I see uh van get kneed by this guy so I I pull up my axe and he's made out of rock he's got rock in him is it it's rock and rock and moss okay can I do like a thor style like jump and like smash down as hard as I can well go ahead and roll hack and slash let's hope that that sticks in the ceiling yeah if he remembers how low the well it smashes rock so it would just be like okay destroy the cavern hack and slash five plus seven seven go ahead and roll your damage five okay again you don't do a huge amount of damage like you hit it pretty stop looking trying to cheat see the power hit point is it really I didn't know I was just sorry you're cheating no I'm just trying to see it all okay I'm sorry no that was great um so but with the rock smashing ability of your axe um you hit it in the same like arm that bing was trying to hit it on and you hit the rock and it just blows the yarn clean off wow yeah you do a little bit of damage but now it's like at a disadvantage yeah and I pick up the axe and I'm like I fucking love this uh bill billy's waiting in the water making milk uh which sounds like a thing right yeah no making milk um okay fine fuck it's only gross if you think it is everyone um so uh and billy gets the idea that maybe it wasn't as helpful as he thought it would be well billy immediately remembered that only he like milk is really only a problem for him and he sees everyone else drink milk all the time without any problems yeah he's learned to be able to talk about it at his ma meetings yeah um so he's like well what does everyone else drink and he remembers wine so he's he's like make wine he says it to himself this is gonna be this has got to be because he doesn't he usually makes things that he likes yeah so wine is hard now he's got a taste for wine oh great I mean it's not gonna be very good wine 26 plus charisma um uh eight eight okay great you are kicking around making a bunch of wine well you're so you're kicking around you're like wine wine wine and the water around you starts getting purple yeah and then flowing away down the cavern sick um but it's like flowing ahead of you too like up river so it's you start to make wine in this river and then you look up to the other side of the cavern where the fight isn't happening and you see three moss covered shapes start shambling down the side towards you and they're like reaching for you these horrible moss covered people oh my god can I go under the water uh yeah you can try and get away so that'd be a defy danger dexterity oh eight you can get away but as you're kicking around something in your pack gets loose no yes fine okay so pick something in your in your pack to lose forever um the goblin poison okay the little crystal cup with the goblin poison yeah yeah so the crystal cup um you see it you see the glitter as it falls out of your pack with the weird little cap you made for the goblin poison and it sails away down the river and it's gone forever fuck you can get away but as you're kicking around something in your pack gets loose but in kicking so hard that that falls out the moss zombies like reach for you and they can't quite get a grasp on you yeah but wine is being made in this river now yeah so it's alcoholic now so we gotta channel it yeah I was thinking of like channeling it around like putting a circle around us at least or a moat somehow so that the zombies coming in can't get us while we do yeah deal with the rest of this we've got elemental master or whatever it is yeah that's what I was gonna say build a elemental like moat to channel in the wine around us and build a moat to channel in the wine around us and build a ring of wine for the zombies not to be able to cross yeah nice so 2d6 plus what is it wisdom for elemental mastery yeah seven seven so choose one the effect you desire comes to pass you avoid paying nature's price and you retain control so you have to pick one of those things I guess I'll have the effect come to pass so I don't retain control that seems to be right up his alley okay so you what you like use that you carve a little thing yeah I call it up and all these things are like these things are like these things are like these things are like these things are like these things are like these things are like around and they form us more like a wall and the wine diverts around from the stream and starts flowing in around us in this little dyke nobody nothing we all tried so hard we all tried so hard jessica's the one that broke this time sorry I just look and I see a dual she has a very chivalric grin uh cherubic yeah you said chiberic yeah you know like a chiber yeah it's chiber um so you make a little whatever chiber is a stoner bear that shows up what's up guys it's chiber it's me chiber uh so you make this little moat and yeah whatever effect billy's created like the wine's coming off of him but now it's like sort of self-replicating like it's eddying around and the wine is just like getting stronger and stronger in the water and you create the moat and the moat starts to fill and then the moat rises above the edges that you created and the cavern starts to fill just a little bit with wine with wine whoa and uh the effect on the zombies they they fucking hate it yeah you see that you see the moss on the bottom of this big one start to like uh wither and it's trying to keep it together it's like stepping up above the rocks and trying to climb the cavern and it starts to actually stick to the walls of the cavern and like creep up it above you so it doesn't seem like it can touch the ground anymore but it's hanging above you in this weird sort of marionette pose creepy and these zombies they're having a much harder time because they've got this sort of organic human like rotting corpse component that they're not able to keep uh keep up with now that they're starting to come apart a little bit you notice that a lot of the zombies are trying to or the moss at least is trying to stick to one specific corpse they're all trying to move around this one body what that's those are the corpses that were following me yeah okay the price that you pay for nature is um the water from the river the wine starts to rush up your body and starts pouring in your mouth and within moments you are wasted and I'm like here we are again you're like embarrassingly oh god barely functioning he's like uh david hasselhoff drink eating that sandwich yeah exactly like what are we doing yeah so you're trying to keep control of this and it's just impossible so the wine is getting out of control and the zombies are starting to freak out and they don't know what to do and the moss monster's on the roof and uh vev um who's still swinging at the moss on moss monster on the roof it reaches down she like whacks off uh fuck dammit finish that sentence finish what you were saying it reaches down and she chops off um a little like mossy stick tendril and she's just kind of chopping it whatever chopped its little mossy dick off it's becoming less humanoid yeah as it stuck to the wall it's becoming this sort of like a roof octopus looking thing and she's chopping away those animes that I have seen and uh she says sorry she's she's calling to tuck actually she's like is there anyone here worth saving and she's like chopping away you said there was one of the guys that one of the bodies the moss seems to like be reaching towards is one of the zombies it's one of the zombies yeah you can discern realities during combat I should say oh okay can I discern reality like I because I that's just something that we've never done that I realize is very important yeah can I discern realities on that guy like do it so you're like trying to keep an eye on him yeah because it is weird that he's and I'm and she's like is there anyone worth saving so I'm like maybe this guy like yeah yeah yeah yeah go for it so 2d6 plus wisdom wozers um 12 okay so you get three questions from discern realities is there anyone here worth saving it's not a question can I trade in three questions for one for that one one question yeah so the questions are what happened here recently what is about to happen what should I be on the lookout for what here is useful or valuable to me who's really in control here what here is not what it appears to be okay I'm going to take three of those questions rearrange the letters and the words oh yeah so that it says who here is worth saving yeah and the answer is ask three questions from the list well what about what's valuable you see around the waist of the person the corpse that the moss is like moving towards aggressively they're all all the moss seems to be trying to focus on um what looks like a small leather bag that's being worn around the waist of the center zombie yeah all the moss is focusing on that leather bag yeah it seems to be trying to grab at it you know that he wears it around his waist yeah it's like a fanny pack it's like a fanny pack yeah he's got a little sort of fanny pack and tuck rolls his eyes like what a fucking loser what who's really in control here this fanny pack I mean kind of yeah it seems like the moss is reacting and acting because of that whatever he's wearing uh you do know this because like the fanny pack is in charge the moss is reacting to that the people are dead 100 like unquestionably those are corpses what happened here recently oh okay yeah the rooms that you sprinted through and the people and the fanny pack and the moss and all the magic shit that's going on you believe that these three people who may have been who are probably loggers from pinewood discovered this cave when exploring found that zone in there like they as they were digging through walls like the wall that was destroyed the one that you found they uncovered some sort of magical thing uh likely the fanny pack is magical I know does it come with rollerblades you don't know what it holds who knows you don't know what mysteries the fanny pack holds um and so they they it's basically the classic they dug too deep too hungrily and those loggers as they always do fucking loggers started with trees and just kept chopping and the whatever magic is contained within the fanny pack um magically charged the water which magically charged the moss which led to this whole problem oh big yeah what's drunk and wrecked he's hammered billy your wine is fucking awful yeah yeah I don't know what good wine is but yeah so this is all is tuck yelling this stuff out yeah and billy you're closest to us to all this because you were in the wine when it was like a river yeah so I'm like billy the fanny pack oh the fanny pack I know what that is um fuck I'm a thief I can do it he's saying yeah he's saying make a uh uh distraction or I mean if you're just trying to steal this I'm just trying to steal it could be a defy danger dexterity yeah okay like trade craft or something I don't um he's got tricks of the trade but it's for like if it's a like a lock when you pick locks or pockets or disable traps oh boom pockets pocket yeah so you're trying to steal from somebody technically a giant pocket yeah um the purse pocket okay I steal the purse pocket so 2d6 dexterity so I got 10 10 okay on a 10 plus you do it no problem yeah so wait did you say dab yes billy dabs yes or jessica no billy dabs he jumps out of the water dabs and then with his hand the furthest hand from him he grabs the fanny pack and it slips off the waist uh yeah it pulls through like the spine it just goes like yeah I hold it together yeah and you've got the fanny pack and the top of the fanny pack and you've got the top of the fanny pack and you've got the top half of the moss person like falls off yeah and the moss is trying to pick it up but you see the moss is like reaching ever so slightly for the fanny pack uh I fuck off I scoop up billy yeah the wine continues to rise and uh vev is like still hacking at the moss thing on the roof and mirrors is like he doesn't know what to do he can't even reach the moss monster um and they're all like we should go yeah we should go now can we get out uh yeah everybody give me a defy danger dexterity seven five eight you got a five I got a five can we both aid no a thousand times um okay um everybody books like tucks too big yeah it's ving singing closing time yeah everybody's wrapping up uh the moss monster is swiping at people from the roof drunk you mcgee get out and I'm fucking not getting out it's incredible when you love to know your big galoot vev like grabs him by the shirt and is like come on you idiot and you're beautiful idiot you're beautiful fool and start shoving him up I love you when you're quieter she just like grabs you very firmly by the belt and throws you up the tunnel and uh she climbs up after and um billy you are kind of wading through the wine to get to the edge of the tunnel yeah and tuck is behind you and you turn around and tuck roll me a d8 tuck four uh so you take four damage well three three damage as this thing just smokes tuck on the side of the head oh my god and and he hits the ground and like kind of goes under the wine a little bit and you can leave but tuck will be here oh I uh who's in front of me mirrors is like trying to get out and he's like oh I'm like trying to get out mirrors catch I throw the fanny pack oh yeah he he hooks it with it he hooks the strap on his hook and he's like are you what are you doing I'll be up in a second okay and the wine levels continue to rise yeah what does billy do um I go under to wake up tuck okay you're swimming through this yeah this purple liquid uh-huh and tuck is like his eyes are your eyes are open tuck but you're like pretty disoriented okay yeah and you see this uh little orb swim through the wine towards you yeah and I respond what's billy doing to get him tell him wake up okay so give me another defy danger maybe constitution to like shake yourself right yeah so he's slapping up my face under the wine trying to wake me up yeah 15 15 hi aid four fail 15 okay so um you ving or tuck you wake up you burst out of the wine billy in one hand a little drunk yeah and um yeah you're a little wasted billy's not feeling so hot either sopping red and um as you reach up billy roll a d8 real quick eight whoa oh do you have any any armor or anything uh uh uh just say yes no I don't think no I don't think I'm gonna be able to do that I'm gonna be able to do that I'm gonna be able to do that yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes relatively relatively easier time getting out of the tunnel and you burst out of the top and vev and ving you're at the top and uh mirrors is laying on his back with his sword in one hand and the fanny pack on his hook just like panting um and he's being nudged by juniper and uh yeah you're all sort of out of the top and you see the moss has started to die away but it's reaching a little bit for the fanny pack from where you are can I cover the the lid put a rock lid oh yeah top of the the hole yeah two to six plus wisdom oh god you rolled it too okay four god uh holy moly I've done three of those today so you are like standing over the cavern um you know hands out uh you trying to be like obey me yeah just hammered yeah fucking shit face yeah and um you feel the spirits and the rocks start to respond and then you feel the ground start to rumble and the tunnel does start to like collapse in and it starts to close and then you just feel the ground underneath you drop a little bit and from where you're standing you're able to like ride it out yeah you're able to ride it out more or less but the whole area where like the moss and the tree fell and all that stuff was just collapses inward and the tree feller tumbles into a hole in the earth sinkhole do we fall into the sinkhole too no you're on like the edge of it thankfully okay um so you're you kind of slide a little bit but it's not too bad like it's not a full sinkhole but like parts of it are collapsing you get the idea that the the living area that you were in has like completely been destroyed and the tree feller tumbles into a hole and um after the dust settles and everything's been sucked underground somehow um vev is just laying there like grabbing onto a tree root uh to not fall in the hole and she goes well I don't know if you're gonna get paid for this one this has been Spout Lore welcome to a catastrophic failure in the in the party's history I'm your game master Sean O'Hara with me as always uh players abdulaziz I think for a period of time I thought it we were hired as landscapers for the little bit of it Paul Oppers uh he's pretty hungover really hammered and jessica tie thank you for listening thank you to west lord for all the technical stuff thanks to abdul for all the editing aaron reed for the intro and outro music uh and thank you to mark and mp for allowing us to record in their beautiful home and thank you to you for listening maybe give us a review on itunes a nice one yeah fuck you whoever gave us two stars show yourself call me on my phone look me up on the internet we will set we will set a date and time we will fight this out oh you're gonna fight okay yeah oh I'm not giving them anything good that's what you get oh wait wait no what's okay you're gonna give my phone number but I'm a girl yeah I think everyone is pretty respectful no they're not no jessica's phone number oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh and nice and excited and it's fun for us for everybody thank you so much for listening see you next time bye-bye and so ends the tale of adventures three who tried the best they can though dumb and scared and lost they be for times of rest in revelry and though our journey may be like a conclusion we will not leave you without a resolution return next week to hear some more whilst you commute or do your chores and for you I'd gladly that's fair that's fair that we wouldn't get paid you know what I was gonna fight you on that we could fight her next time no I'm looking at the destruction I yeah it's a cascading failure I raise my finger to like yell at her about it and then I look back and I'm like fair totally fair

Now the round friends let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers have health, he shifts his shape and wields a spear with great might Billy's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends and listen close For the tale's about to start I laughed at what I was gonna do Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't do it. What were you gonna do? Wuh that! You guys remember that? No, don't do it. You guys remember Wuh that!

Spout Lore everybody, I'm your game master Sean O'Hara Just reliving the early 90's Super Bowl commercial realities Joining me as always Jessica's laughing so fucking hard Because it's a very funny commercial that we all remember No, it's not Wes is nodding, it's very funny I really caught on Yeah, I really did You guys remember it was in Scary Movie It was great It was in The Office It was in The Office Yeah, it was in The Office Oh man, Wuh that!

Joining me as always, playing Tacoma Dome, the Barbarian Abdulaziz Hello everybody Playing Ving Vang Zoom, but no sorry, just Ving Oh yeah The half-elf druid, Paul Oppers Hello And playing Fat Billy, the halfling thief Do we still call, should we still call Billy a halfling? Of course He's still a halfling, culturally? Yeah Culturally, yes, racially different Yeah Playing Fat Billy, the halfling thief, Billy The halfling thief, Jessica Tai Hero, wait no, hello Can we all say that?

She is half Chinese, it's fine She lets slip the way she talks most of the time Yeah She's doing a Canadian accent most of the time on the podcast Yeah, it's all a caricature When last we left our heroes, they had celebrated the night away in the logging town of Pinewood After having accepted a noble quest to help the people of Pinewood reclaim their logging industry Some sort of machine that they bought from the firefields capital of Blackglass Has been lost to some unknown danger in the forest They sent some people out, some people never returned So they want you to find out what happened But mostly, get that tree feller back And you had a party And the party was good Everybody had a good time From what I remember Oh yeah Yeah, Ving had a great time Ving fucked Yeah, it was okay But the party was awesome And the night ended And now we have arrived in the morning The sun rises through the trees in Pinewood Village Cups everywhere Sizzling fire pit in the middle of the town Yeah, there's people sleeping on the ground There's people sleeping on tables You see, Merbo is still asleep Yelium is up and about He's cleaning up a little bit But he's mostly walking around with what looks like a clipboard Just writing stuff And And yeah, what are Billy, Ving, and Tuck up to?

In the morning I am asleep in a pile of chicken That's where I am Just bones? Yeah Yeah That's very funny It looks like it's terrifying to look at Yeah, that's true It's a little kid surrounded by bones Yeah It looks like a sacrifice is about to happen Voodoo What are Ving and Tuck up to in the morning? I guess Ving's still awake Oh, never went to sleep? No, he went to sleep No, he went for a good brood Mmm Went for a nice walkabout brood What's he been brooding about?

Just like looking for love in all the wrong places, you know? Yeah There was a morning dove cooing and it brought him out of his He went chasing it thinking it was his spirit animal Oh, right Ving is still waiting for whatever animal Yeah To accept his summons Yeah Which is something that will, I guess, will happen when it happens Yeah, I guess so Is that up to you or is that up to me? Yeah, you're darn right Let's not hammer this down, Sean Yeah, alright Tuck, what's Tuck doing?

I have the stone box and that red leather book that's connected to Perel's memories And I'm like flipping through the book on top of the stone box Trying to like see if I can Because I'm trying to figure out if Perel's a bad guy or not Right Like I got a good feeling about him but I'm like trying to see if he's like trying to fuck us over Yeah Interesting It's a big book Well then it's too heavy for me to lift No, it's not what I mean Intellectually I mean it's dense And also the pages don't stay the page that they were, you know what I mean?

It's like mutable And honestly my attention span's pretty short so I'm flipping through it just looking for anything that catches my eye That sounds like a Spout Lore to me to get something like that you're looking for or something that would be useful I don't think we've done this in like ten episodes Spout Lore? Yeah It's one of my favorite moves and you guys almost never use it You know what?

I don't think I want to Spout Lore That's right You don't want to but you're not gonna learn anything Okay Here we go So 2d6 plus intelligence Alright You don't have any intelligence still? Yeah Fine Okay, mark a point of experience I'm gonna level up again so you can't aid with Spout Lore Well you can aid with Spout Lore but it would only get him up to a six What if I wake up and aid? Can we all aid?

No It's cool, I wanna roll that again I'm not I wanna know what's going on with this book Those are just the rules Fuck Um, what happens is you're sitting on top of the box flipping through the book trying to find- there's a lot of stuff in here It's a lot of formula, you see pictures of frogs, you see a lot of writing I'm also being kind of secretive with it so on the outside I put the book Love and Lust that we got from Torg So then people- it's like that thing where people think you're reading a porno but instead you're trying to read But the book that he gave you is so much smaller than the big book It barely covers a little section of it And I'm like I'm being so sneaky Very arousing Yeah So you're doing that You're doing the opposite, like you're reading a porn magazine with like McLean's inside of it No no no I'm jerking off You're jerking off Look how hard my cock is Etcetera My cock et cetera And you- Look at- look at- You're getting some sleep again goose pimply my butt has got.

I'm sorry. Is that what erotic is to talk? Is you get goose bumps on your ass? You know how it happens? You know how this happens? And he calls it goose pimply. Yeah. So you're doing that and you're talking about your goose pimply ass. You hear just over your shoulder. What are you reading? Who is it? It's Perel. Oh. And he's like looking, he's kind of furrowed his brow and he's looking at the pages. And I whip around and I look at him.

I like, you know that thing where you like, you spread out on top of the thing that you're looking at to like hide it? And then I'm like, I'm jerking off. And he sort of walks around you in his little magical projection form. Actually on the cover of Love and Lust. He's like, well he sees, yeah, but he, he's still kind of frowning a little bit. He's like, those look like the amaturgical formula. Well, you know what?

Everyone's got a different kink and you know, sometimes I like to look at the amaturgical formula. If you, if you have, if you have a magical text, I'd really appreciate the opportunity to look at it. You don't find much of that these days and it's been a long time since I've been allowed to look at one. I'd really appreciate it. You know, like I think, I think, it's cool whatever you're into, but I'm like looking at porn with other guys. I'm like doing it on my own.

So I'm going to do this on my own. He rubs the bridge of his nose and he's like, if you don't, if you don't trust me Tacoma, you can, you can say that. I trust you. Then show me the book you're looking at. Can I switch it out for Love and Lust? He saw the formula. Yeah. Fine. Here. And I show up. And he looks at the binding. He's like, where did you find, what book is this? I don't know. He found it. Fucking Goblin Tower.

He reaches for the book and he pulls it out of your hand, but the book you're holding stays in your hand and he pulls a copy. And he starts flipping through it. And he's like, hmm, interesting. Well, I'll, I appreciate this. Thank you very much, Tacoma. And yeah, I'm going to take a look at this. Okay. And he winks out of you. Okay. I just go back to reading Love and Lust. Just like grumpily turning the pages. Yeah. I'm barely aroused. Yeah. So that's what happens.

And Merbo and Yilliam start kind of gathering you all. Somebody goes and nudges Billy awake from his pile of bones. Yeah. He rises. Yilliam goes, ah, you had a, do you have a finite little one? I guess so. I had a great sleep. Well, many a chicken will fear your coming. From here on. Oh, no. Makes it like a little crown of bones. Oh, yeah. Billy takes two bones with him. He starts clacking them. Bones, bones, bones, bones, bones. And yeah, they gather you up.

The logger that Ving had a time with is also there. And Yilliam says, you're going to be heading off into the woods today. I assume. Now that we've had our wee bit, bit of celebration. If you're heading out into the woods, you may appreciate a guide. And he sort of pats the woman logger on the shoulder. Awkward. What's, what's her name? What do we think your name is? Vivian. Vivian? Vivian is one of our finest guides. Do you want to do that again? Yes, I do. Vivian is one of our finest guides.

She is one of our finest guides in, uh, in a capable warrior. She would be adequate support if you so need it. But if not, if you think that you would be fine on your own, that is understandable. Ving's like a fan. He's like, oh, you didn't tell me you were a guide. I didn't tell you a lot of things. She says, and kind of winks. Did she give him an STD? Uh, no, but she's like, she's got a lot of blonde hair, like really long blonde hair.

And she's like braiding it into braids and then like tying the braids up on her. Cool. Get that ready. And she's got a big, like wood cutter ax that she's, uh, preparing. I give, I give Ving like a low five. I'm like, awesome. Yeah. She seems very much like she would be tux type. She's very strapping. She's like super muscular. Um, she's bigger than Ving. Uh, how tall is Ving? Ving's pretty tall, isn't he? Yeah, I think, I thought so. He's in the, in the mid sixes. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

So she's probably short. She's probably six foot, six, two. Cool. It's like a real Brienne of Tarth. Yeah, totally. Yeah. Uh, so she's there if you want a guide, but they are fine with you going out on your own. Yeah. I'm into it. Cool. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What was your name again? Vivian. Vivian. Cool. You can call her Vivian, you guys. I, I'm fine with Viv. I'll call you Viv. Viv. This is Billy. Hello. Oh, y'all are so wee. I am very wee.

And, uh, they, um, Billy's really shy cause he knows what happened. And he's just like, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, you have to talk to him about what he saw. Every time she looks at him, he covers his mouth in his sneakers. Well, I'll make sure to keep a close eye on you, little one. Don't want you getting lost in the woods. That was a little foreboding. Yeah. Oh, it's just the woods can be dangerous.

Why do you think we're sending more warriors out in the first place? Yeah. You don't have to prep them with all the scary stuff. Let's just go. Fine. You know, we'll, we'll see what we run into in the forest. And I dropped back and I was like, that was weird. That got weird. I mean, why, why like tell a little boy how scary it's about to be? I mean, I know, but it was a strange move. I know, but this, is this the first time you've talked to her since you had sex? That's her. Oh, God. God.

Why would you, why would you try and scare a little boy that's covered in knives and carrying bones right now? And is chanting bones, bones, bones. That's what he's doing. And he's, he's walking backwards, you know, to protect him. He's protect what? To protect us from the dangers. So you're in the back of the wire. Yeah. Bones, bones, bones, bones, bones, bones. And before, before you do leave, you're like, you start walking. And then, uh, Bev is like, wasn't there a fourth one? Oh, Mears.

We forgot me. Four of you. He's kind of, he's like Kevin. Did you just yell into the village? Yeah. Are you here? Yeah. Are you, are you coming into the woods for the thing? Oh, is that now? Yeah. Okay. Do we need a, do we need Francis? No. Okay. Uh, and then he, you hear like slam and then, and you hear him like he's rushing through the woods. He's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like tying his cloak on. He's making sure his sword belts on. Right. Is he pulling his pants up too?

Well, I mean, yeah, but he was sleeping. Were you, what were you doing? Yeah. He's like rubbing sleep out of his eyes. His hair is all fucked up. Were you taking a shit? What were you doing? What time is it? It's, I don't know. Morning. Nobody told me when we were leaving. What? It's morning. We go in the morning. Yeah. Okay. I just, you know, if I get out there and I forgot something, I just want to know that I am not feeling like I am accountable for this. You were very accountable for this.

You're the leader. Yeah. Well, then somebody should have consulted me about when we were going to leave. Well, we tried, but you were busy shitting. I was not. He looks at Bev and he looks at Yelium and he's like, I wasn't. I was asleep. I'm a 14 year old boy. I need my rest. Anyways, let's go. All right. You get in front of me and I'll protect the back. And then you can see like there's toilet paper on his shoe. Yeah. I don't say anything.

He heads off and he started, he's clanking a little bit because he brought all his cooking stuff. So he's just like clank, clank, clank as he moves. And Bev goes, all right, well, it's a bit of a walk, so I'm going to, I'll be right back. And she comes back and she has a pretty big moose cow, like a female moose. And she, it's got a saddle on it. And she hops up. She goes, all right, I'll lead the way. Whoever needs to ride can hop up on the juniper. Yeah, I'm going to walk. I'll walk.

I too will walk. Cool moose though. Mears? Yeah. Okay. Oh yeah. Okay. I'll ride the moose. Okay. Never rode a moose before. Clank, clank, clank. I pick him up by his backpack. And he's like laid across it, like horizontally. Yeah. Like the fucking cargo that he is. Yeah. Just sling him across the back of this moose. Uh, all right. And you head off into the woods. Is there anything that anybody wants to keep an eye out for? Well, I mean, yeah, like I, maybe. Mysteries. I don't know.

Traps and mysteries. Yeah. All right. Can somebody, uh, one person. Oh yeah. Billy's keeping it. Billy's specifically. Keeping an eye out for mysteries. Yeah. Keeping an eye out for mysteries. So give me a discern realities. So 2d6 plus wisdom. Roll the bones. Um, nine. Nine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that's one question. From the list. If, um, if somebody aids Billy, uh, it could be a 10, which would give you three questions. Yeah. I'll leave Billy. All right. Five total. Five total. Okay.

Uh, so the questions that you have access to for discern realities are what happened here recently. What is about to happen? What should I be on the lookout for? What here is useful or valuable to me? Who's really in control here? What here is not what it appears to be? What here is not what, what appears to be. Okay. Uh, so Billy is walking backwards, clacking his bones. Um, he's also using the binoculars sometimes. Uh huh. Yeah. That's why he can actually see what's happening. Yeah.

Binocular eyes. Yeah. Bev takes you down a trail for 20 minutes, half an hour, and then turns into like some deeper woods. And it's like a more narrow game trail. She's like, this is the way that the logging camp was. This is where the operation was taking place deeper in the woods here. And you're walking and it's very, very dense coniferous forest. A lot of moss. Uh, the light starts getting blocked out in certain places.

And you notice, uh, on a very mossy tree, um, near the bottom, it looks like the moss, the color of the moss changes, uh, from deep green to a very vibrant blue. Stop my pals. Hey guys, look at this. It's beautiful. And you notice on a little closer inspection that it appears to be moving independently, of the moss around it. Oh, gross. All right, let's try it out. So I lick it. Do you really? Really? No. Why? I grabbed him before he can lick it.

It's not a great idea, but this, are you, are you going to try and lick it? No matter what? I'm going to try to lick it. I'm going to try and stop him. All right. Cause it looks disgusting. It's moving on its own. That's it. That's an interfere move. Okay. You can defy danger. Um, constitution. Oh, fuck. 13. 13. 13. Let's see you overpower me. Billy eats all the blue moss. Seven.

Uh, so yeah, you do succeed partially, but that means that you, um, are trying to, you take away two from whatever move he was doing, which would still be an 11. Fuck. Wow. So what does Billy do? He just licks it. Yeah. He just gives it a little. It has that. I mean, in a fantasy world, you would not know, but it has that feeling where like you put your tongue on the end of a battery. Oh, ow. It doesn't. So it doesn't. Yeah. It doesn't like hurt her, but it's like, Oh fuck. What? What?

I shouldn't have done that. I tried to stop you. Sorry. I should have listened. How do you feel? Not good. Oh, I could do it again. No. Okay. Just let him have one more lick. Um, and Bev kind of hops down off Juniper and is crouched and looking at the moss. And she's like, that's I've never seen most like this before. Don't lick it. Thank you. For the tip. I won't lick the moss. Looks like a thing. What's the thing? Uh, uh, like a spirit or like it has spirit.

I'm sensing that it's alive more than just moss. Well, it is moving for sure. Yeah. Um, are you trying to communicate with it? Yeah. I think he's going to try and communicate with it. It crystal hands forward. Mm. Uh, you are very easily for the most part, able to communicate with living things like this, but you sense that this does not have the same sort of connection. To the spirit world as like the moss around it does. And the moss around it is like, what the fuck? Get this muscle. Yeah.

Like, ah, so yeah, they're very, the moss is confused by this blue moss. Yeah. Can we spell lower about it? Yeah, you can spell lower. If you wanted to learn more, try and learn more about the moss. It would be spelled lower. Let's spell lower about it. Yeah, definitely. I got an eight, an eight. Okay. So, um, Perel pops out, he winks into view and he is looking at the moss.

He's like, Oh, and he does that thing where he like, he like jiggles his glasses to make sure they're like firmly on his face. Um, and he gets down and he like is looking at this moss. Very excited. Nobody else can see him except for you three, obviously. And he looks back at you and he says, what is it? This is magical. I knew it. It's like, this is incredible. I don't know why this would be here, but this is magic. What is it? It's moss. It's magically active moss. Oh, wow.

So much insight, Perel. Can you tell us more? Uh, no, I can't. I cannot because I'm not a moss wizard. What kind of wizard are you? No, there's not, but I'm not. Do you know any moss wizards? I have, I have in the past known wizards that worked with moss. Yes. Cool. Hmm. Call Pete. Call one of them. This is like going up to a doctor and being like, something's wrong with my horse. And the doctor says, I don't work on horses. And you say, why not? Because I'm not a horse doctor.

Do you know a doctor? That works on horses? I have known a doctor that has worked on horses in the past. Yes. I have known many people that are specialists in many fields of research. What does the horses have to do with the blue moss? Yes. So is the horse, the moss or is the other moss, the horse? He disappears. Uh, but yeah, so that's what, you know, he says that this is magically active. I turned to Vev and I'm like, is there, has anyone done magic?

Is there magic in your town or is there magic in the history of your town? Maybe? Well, she like kind of, she'd make that face where she's thinking. She makes that face where she's. I love that. That thinking face. She makes, you know, a baby. Yeah. Um, got that big old brain. Um, she's saying this to each other. I got a big old brain. She thinks. And she's like, well, if you go back deep enough in history, it's hard not to find a town that doesn't have a magical past.

Um, I don't know anything specifically, but I believe there were wizards active in the area before all this strangeness happened. Yilliam seems to think that there was a wizard workshop of some kind nearby in the past, but no one's ever found any history of it. I'm going to forage the moss. I'm going to take it. You're just going to rip it up? Yeah. Cool. Yeah. Well, like with purpose. So yeah, you yank it out of the ground. Yeah. And it's a little like, thank you. Yeah.

I'll take this from, from you other moss. You feel it kind of, it does fight you a tiny bit, you know, like when you pick up an earthworm and it's like, no. Yeah. Uh, but it's ultimately futile. Um, so yeah, you've got this moss. Cool. You put it in a mason jar. Yeah. We always forget how loud Ving is. He's extremely loud. All the mason jars and pockets. Oh yeah. Right. Um, okay.

So Ving grabs some of the, the magical moss and, um, um, Bev hops back up on Juniper and mirrors never got off Juniper. He had no interest in getting off. Uh, he's making, he's making a little like bracelet lanyard for a kid. What's his name? Kim. Kim. Yeah. He's making like a little grass, like it's a little bracelet. He's yeah. He's like wrapping it around. It's great. Actually. The hook makes a really good, like a crocheting. Yeah. Um, and you're walking down this trail.

The trees are getting pretty dense. Um, although you are noticing here and there, trees have been cut down like single trees here and there. Uh, and then you smell something. It smells really bad. Really, really bad. Sulfury. Um, fruity. Yeah. It kind of smells like a fart. Yeah. It smells like a really strong fart. Rot. Is it, does it smell like food? It kind of almost. Yeah. It definitely smells like something decomposing. Speaks a lot to your farts. Billy, was that you? What?

Billy doesn't remember. He farts so often. He's wafting from his butt. Yeah. No, it's not for me this time. Uh, I did, but that's not me. Mears is like bundled up his cloak, the edge of his cloak and shoved it over his mouth. It's like, what is that? Are we in danger? Bev? Cabbage skunks. And you hear rustling on the side of the trail and trundling onto the path are these huge plants. And you see little arms and legs coming out of the bottom and a little head.

There's probably five or six of them and they just smell like shit. I pick up, I hold up the ax and I turned to Bev and I'm like, how cute are these things? Should I kill them or is it bad if I kill them? Well, you can see them. They're pretty cute, but they're also pretty tenacious. Okay. If you start anything, they may attack. Okay. I'm going to piss. What? To indicate my, my area. This is mine. Is that what you're doing? Yeah. Cause they're animals, right? Yeah, they are kind of. Yeah.

My instinct. All right. Okay. So you move, do you move out onto the trail like ahead of the, I do it in the middle of everyone. All right. Go for it. At the bottom of your loincloth. And then I'm like, everybody get behind my pit. Bev does move Juniper back just to get away from Juniper. From you pissing. She's like, starts walking the moose back on the trail. She's like, all right, is he, does he do this normally? Not, not a lot. You know, I've never seen anybody try this. So maybe it'll work.

You don't have to roll the piss. Cause it's done. You're like, all right, I piss. And you start rolling a handful of dice. It's to see how well it works. All right. All right. Uh, defy danger. Piss. Piss. Uh, defy danger. Strength. Uh, forcing out piss. Uh, wisdom. I guess it's charisma. It's force of personality, right? You're trying to be like, get out of here. Yeah. I put all, I try and jam all my personality into my, into your piss. 12. All right. Okay.

So you're trying to mark your territory. Yeah. And I'm fucking, I didn't pee when I woke up. I got right into the book. So I have a lot. Whoa. Whoa. Well, it's so great that nobody tried to learn anything about cabbage. She told us enough. She said cabbage scum. Yeah. Tenacious. Yeah. Um, and, uh, they're like, they were pretty happily walking across the trail. Uh, and then you pissed and then a couple of them kind of like sidestep down the trail away from the piss.

But as they part, like the biggest one out of all of them, which probably, they're really low to the ground, uh, but their leaves go up really high. So it's leaves probably extend like six feet off the ground. Uh, and it's this like squat little plant monster with like a kind of snouty looking face on the bottom. Uh, it's black and white. Like skunks are be cool if they're black and white. Okay. This be, this one is more yellow than the other ones for sure.

Um, and it like turns and you see it go like, like it's got, it's snout in the air and then it like hunches down and it starts shaking its leaves. So it goes like, and the smell gets worse. I succeeded though. You succeeded in pissing. Ving takes a poop. Yeah. It's not, it's not moving closer, but it's not moving. Like it's on the trail. Should we approach it kindly? Talk to it. Oh, I mean, yeah. Yeah. I guess you could talk, talk to a plant and an animal. Yeah, that's true.

So what are you trying to say? What's he saying? I'm listening to his, his shuddering. He's saying, get out of here. Get out of here. Yeah, we're going, we're walking through. Get out of here. And I can tell that he's talking to him. I'm like, what's he saying? Get out of here. These are my ladies. Get out of here. Oh, he's protecting his, his, his tribe here. Oh, okay. Well, he's, he's jealous that your pee smells so much. I'm pissing still. I'm pissing still.

It's like the smell is getting worse and worse. Just like move along. Get away from me. Can you ask him if he's seen anything weird with these moss things? Is there anything? Have you ever seen this before? We're leaving a second. Sorry about the pee. On our way out. It's still going. It's still shaking its leaves and you hold up the moss and you see it hunker down even more. And it just goes, no, no, get out of here. Okay. These guys are, these guys are useless and angry.

Can you parlay with him? I think I just did. Let's go. Yeah, he's, he's angry. That's the thing is if you want to calm him down, you'd have to make a roll, like get information out of him. Parlay probably. If he doesn't have it, what, what do we need to know? He probably wants me to stop pissing. He probably does. Uh, well, you can get him to stop pissing. Yeah. And we'll move along. Give me information and this guy will stop pissing. That's a great parlay for this little skunk monster. Oh no.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, four. Well, he's just not going to give you what you want. He doesn't want to talk. He wants you to leave. Like, he's not going to let you walk down this trail. We have to go around. I have an idea. Can I use disguise? Uh, yeah. What do you, what's Billy's plan? Well, I was going to disguise myself as one of them so that he would like trust us and talk to us. Just dress up like a cabbage. Yeah. What is it? Can you read out the disguise move?

I've never used it before. When you have time and materials, you can create a disguise that will fool anyone into thinking you're another creature of about the same size and shape. Your actions can give you away, but your appearance won't. I am the same size. Yeah, you're roughly the same size as a little cabbage skunk. You probably wouldn't be able to, actions wise, you probably wouldn't be able to fool this cabbage skunk. Come on, I could. Get on all fours. Wrestle the things. Stink. Yeah.

Let a bunch of farts. I can do that. All right. Can I roll for it? Well, disguise is just time. You just have time. Well, while they're doing this, I'm making my disguise. Okay. So you've collected enough leaves. Yeah, I stuck a bunch of leaves into myself. Yeah. Can I get on all fours? Do you understand? If you, Jessica, were to disguise yourself as a dog, do you think a dog would believe you? For sure. She was really good at it. Bark, bark, bark, bark. Um, please.

But you can't even communicate with it. That's the thing. I go, I'll just make, I'll, I'll do the miming and then Pink can talk through me. Well, the thing is, is that Billy is definitely dressed like a cabbage skunk now. Like no matter whether or not you can communicate with it, you're dressed like a cabbage skunk. Yeah, I did it. And I even have the black marks around my face already. Yeah. That's true. True. Works. Okay. Yeah. All right. You're dressed as one. So what's your plan here?

Um, I, I crawl or whatever on my fours and I go to the front of our group and I say, hello. Um, they are traveling with me. Yeah. You can't communicate with it. You can't talk to animals, but this thing sees it and it starts rustling. It's just confused now. Like you're, you're kind of, you're hard resetting this cabbage skunk cause it's so there's piss everywhere. There's something that looks like it should be a cabbage skunk, but it's not right that it actually starts backing up.

It like backs up more and more and more. And then it just turns around and runs off into the trees. It was just too, it's just too much. It's gone. It makes sure that you're gone. Okay. Uh, but it's gone, but the smell remains. Okay. And you guys realize that it is, it's in you. Oh, we smell. Yeah. Yeah. We stink now. Yeah. I can't smell anything. Okay. This place sucks. Uh, and Bev goes, it does. It does. I've never seen that tactic with a cabbage skunk before. Yeah.

You'd think it would have worked cause I got an unmitigated success. I will say that it did not attack us. There are a lot of people that have lost a life and limb to a particularly aggressive scabbage skunk bowl before. Scabbage skunk? Is that what I said? Watch your mouth. Cabbage skunk. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

I will say that your quick thinking, uh, your quick dinking, I will say your quick dinking may have saved us from a particularly heinous battle. Oh, that's nice. So nice job there. I suppose. We do a three-way high five. Worthwhile. So quiet. So if you're, if you're ready to put your, your little, uh, your little thing away, we can move on. It's not that little. In comparison. Listen to the rest of your body. It's pretty small. It's the same. It's appropriately sized.

I think for the rest of my body, I think we can all agree. Everybody look. Everyone's already walked on. We're all moving. Standing there saying this. I'm walking behind the group with my loincloth pulled up and I'm like, I think we can all agree. Guys. If everybody looks back, look, Ving. Hey, everybody. I've seen it. Ving, look. We're walking this way now. It's appropriately sized, right? I am too hungover to look at that dick today. Please don't make me today. Yeah, I saw it. I saw it.

I'm here. Okay. You know what? It's appropriate, right? I'm underage. Juniper. He's got like one eye on it the whole time. Yeah. Yeah. The moose kind of swings its head around and is like chewing a mouthful of grass. I'm not asking Billy, but the rest of you look. Everyone but Billy. And that goes on for a while. Billy looks. Billy looks. Billy looks. Billy looks. Billy looks. Billy looks. Billy looks. Billy looks. Billy looks. Billy looks. Billy looks. Billy looks. Billy looks. Billy looks.

Billy looks. Another half hour of traveling through the woods. You notice more and more trees are cut down and the trees start thinning and you come to a clearing in the woods. The sun starts to shine down. Things brighten up and heat up a little bit. The rain seemed to have abated for the day. But what you do see is a whole lot of blue moss. It is sort of spread out over this clearing in the sun. And you see lumps here and there that look like, oh, maybe that was a pile of timber.

That could be a cart or something. Some other lumps of varying sizes that you don't know what those are. And then a particularly large one sort of roughly in the middle. Is this your guys' equipment? I assume so. This is horrible. She hops down off Juniper and starts looking at the moss, sort of towing it here and there. This must be where the camp was. But this wasn't here. I can tell you that much. Let me go digging around and see if there's anything we can find under it. Yeah.

Discern realities. Whoa. Yeah. Ten. Ten. Sweet. So that is three questions from this list. What happened here recently? What is about to happen? What should I be on the lookout for? What here is useful or valuable to me? Who's really in control here? What here is not what it appears to be? Okay. What happened? What happened here recently? This moss grew very rapidly and overtook whatever was going on here. The logging camp, you realize that one or two of the lumps might be roughly body-shaped.

And the big thing in the middle is definitely the tree feller. And there's a cart as well. And maybe a horse. Yeah. So the moss overtook this camp somehow. What's valuable here? There's a section of the moss that didn't grow. There's a patch. There's a patch in the camp that didn't overtake this certain area. And you go over and you kind of rifle around in what was there. And it stinks like alcohol. Hmm. So there's some smashed like whiskey bottles. And the moss didn't grow over the whiskey.

Hmm. And who's in control here? You are digging around in another section of the moss. And the moss is moving while you're doing this. Like it's kind of shifting and rippling as you touch it. And you find there's like a tumble of moss. And you find there's like a tumble of stones near the edge of the more recent cut. And in those stones there's a gap. And you feel a breeze blowing out of this gap in the stones. Whoa. And the moss is like particularly thick at the lip of this hole.

It looks like there's heat coming out, but there's no heat. Yeah. The moss is like moving and like kind of waving up the hole. Whoa. Do you just like let everybody know, hey, there's something over here? Yeah. Yeah. So you're looking into this. What is this? You're feeling the air coming out of the cave. And you're feeling this like deep, wet, like coolness from deep, deep under the earth. And you think you hear from deep, deep in. And that's where we'll end it for this session.

This has been Spout Lore. My name is Sean O'Hara. I'm your Game Master. With me as always, players Abdulaziz. So long, everybody. Paul Oppers. Nighty night. And Jessica Tai. Bye, friends. Thanks to Mark and MP for letting us record in their home again, even though nobody's here again. Thanks to Wes for all the technical stuff. Abdul for all the editing. And then Aaron Reid of Vancouver Sunday Service for our intro and outro music. And thanks to you for listening. See you next time.

And so ends the tale of Adventures 3. Who tried the best they can. Though dumb and scared and lost they be. For time's abreast in revelry. And though our journey may be. May be like a conclusion. We will not leave you without a resolution. Return next week to hear some more. Whilst you commute or do your chores. And for you I gladly Spout Lore.

Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers have health, he shifts his shape, and wields a spear with great might Peely's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and raddest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends, and listen close For the tale's about to start Welcome back to Spout Lore everybody Sean O'Hara and with me, as always, playing Tacoma Dome, the Barbarian Abdulaziz.

Good morning. Playing Ving, the Half-Elf Druid, Paul Oppers. Hello. Playing Fat Billy, the Halfling Thief, Jessica Tai. Hello, everybody. When last we left our heroes, they were in the midst of a celebration in the village of Pinewood.

Now that they have accepted a task from the co-mayors, Merbo and Yulium, to investigate some sort of disappearance and tragedy in the woods surrounding the village, a great feast was thrown in their honor, and Billy deeply insulted an old woman by messing with a shrine to the forester. And with some doe eyes and some childhood naivete, Billy was able to, with the help of Ving, giving a gentle massage, a stiff massage to this old woman. The situation was resolved.

And now the party has sort of continued in earnest. Everybody's… It's getting… It's getting whipped up to a fever pitch. Everybody's drinking and eating. There's alcohol and juices and roasted meats and vegetables. And some games have actually broken out. The people of Pinewood like to play games where it's just feats of strength and agility. And that's sort of where we find ourselves now. Yeah, I've been over at the feats of strength, and I came back.

And I come over to these guys, and I'm like, Hey, do you guys think I crossed the line when I fucked that shrine? I just look over to the lake. And she's looking at you with eyes sort of narrowed. You had your balls tucked away. That's true. It was behind the flap. Yeah. Flaps down. Flaps down. I look at the lady, and I'm like, Okay. Look.

I felt threatened because you were pointing your finger at Billy, and you made me feel fucking small because you were pointing your finger into my chest, and you were saying some stuff to me. That made me feel like a bad parent. So I felt kind of defensive on that. And so maybe I said some stuff that I shouldn't have said. Maybe I shouldn't have fucked your shrine. And maybe I'm sorry. Maybe. Maybe you're sorry. I'm sorry. All right. And to make it up to you, I'm going to go over to the shrine.

I'm going to tell it a prayer. Okay. If that makes you feel better. Come on. And then I lift her up. So she's just hanging from your hand? Yeah. She's got her mug still in her hand. Yeah. I put her up on my shoulder. I'm like, come on. All right. I'm sure someone at some point has explained to you that we don't really pray to the patrons. Let's go. Let's pray to the patrons. Woo! Pray to the patrons. Pray to the patrons. Pray to the patrons. It's time for you to do the thing you always do.

And more people are starting to watch sort of from the edge of the undercover area. Cool. Yeah. Because they don't see people do this very often. And I like that I'm getting an audience. I'm getting nervous and excited about it. And then I'm also, as I'm walking with the lady, realizing that I don't have anything locked and loaded for this. I have not planned a prayer. What a surprise. Improv it, man. Here we go. No. Give me one minute. Ving's walking around stalling. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. There's two young men standing at the edge of the overhang. They're both like talking to each other like, what are they doing? I think they're praying to the shrine. And they're both like, oh, silly. I would say, you know, just. Avocado, sriracha. But they're like, wow, that's a beautiful language. Yeah. Ving is being like, do you remember Paul Bettany? He's character in A Knight's Tale. Yeah. What was his name? Chaucer. He's Jeffrey Chaucer. Yeah.

Yeah. Jeffrey Chaucer. He's a guy. Yeah. Whatever that guy is. Author of The Canterbury Tales. Ooh. I love The Canterbury Tales. I'm sure. I love them. I'm pretending to have glasses right now. I don't love them. I'm just aware of. Oh, Chaucer. Classic piece of literature. Also, A Knight's Tale is my favorite movie. Oh, Knight's Tale. Oh, Knight's Tale. Oh, Knight's Tale. Oh, Knight's Tale. Oh, Knight's Tale. Oh, Knight's Tale. Oh, Knight's Tale. This is the longest you've ever mimed a blowjob.

It's unsettling. It's like. Yeah. It's just like. Yeah. No. It's not. I'm not like unsettled by. It's just like. And Bill put his finger in the butthole of the imaginary blowjob. It's just a lot of detail. It feels really intimate. Like I walked in on something. I mean. Billy looks away. Tuck is doing this in front of a shrine. Is this a prayer? No, no, no. I'm not doing it. Is this a prayer? It's totally normal. Dominoes. Dominoes and pizza hot. Hot and ready. Pizza, pizza. 9, 6, 7, 11, 11.

The mushroom thing? Olives, mushrooms and extra cheese. Dominoes for delivery. If you get two for the price of one, we throw in crazy bread. Yeah. But. Peace be with you. Happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody. Peace of pizza be with you. All right. So the woman sitting on your shoulder just kind of waiting. And I put her down and I lean. I kneel down and I take out my axe. Do people chop the shrine? It looks like people have been leaving access here for a long time. Is there like a log nearby?

It's just one big stump. No, but is there another one? Like there's like a tree. Yeah. So. Okay. So this is what I'm going to do. Like I kneel in front of the shrine and I take out my axe. It's just wounds. She sees the axe. Yeah. She's like, oh, wow. That's quite a, quite a two you have there. And I guess I tuck my dick in a little bit. Oh, you mean the axe? Yeah. Oh, the axe. Yeah. She goes, oh, come on. It's not anything. I haven't seen before. I wink at her. She winks at you.

I'm starting to like this lady. Is there like a crowd that's for people are watching because they're just confused. Yeah. And I. But you pull the axe out. Well, and people have been like looking at it. Like, oh, man, look at that thing. And so I. Yeah. I kneel my. I kneel my head. I bow my head. And I'm like, I pay homage. I say this to the shrine. I pay homage to the logger. He. He strengthens. He strengthens our arms and splits our wood and brings us shelter from the forest. And then I.

I take my axe and I throw it horizontally at the nearest tree. And I try and split it. Like with one. With like one throw. Yeah. Okay. Well, we're going to do a defy danger strength. Okay. Two to six plus your strength. Six. Oh, can I help? Six. Seven. Eight. Yeah. Your strength is huge. Yeah. He's not going to need it. Yeah. So you just. There's like a fairly narrow. It's not like massive, but it's tall tree. And you just whip your axe through it. Yeah. Like it is pretty wide, right? What?

The tree? Yeah. Sure. Yeah. But you're cutting down a tree in the middle of town. In one swipe. In one swipe. Yeah. And you throw your axe through it. Yeah. Cool. So. Yeah. So I'm going to have to go get it. Yeah. You grab your axe. You heft it. You heft Larry, Terry, and Chad. And you just whip it. And I give him a kiss before it. And you just send it through this tall pine tree, like a few yards away from the shrine. And it whacks right through the middle. And it sails off into the forest.

And I look at it. I'm like, fuck. And it also like it hits. Like it stumps down. And it sits teetering for a second. And it starts to fall towards the overhang. Oh, no. Yeah. It's like. And it starts to fall. What do you do? Ving, help. Ving runs over and runs underneath the thing and puts his hands up in the air and roots down and turns into a bit of a big stumpy kind of rooty man. He hasn't used his wood in a long time. Yeah. And with big, crystal-y hands and just tries to put them together.

He doesn't have a lot of control over the axes yet. I mean, of the crystal-y knives. Yeah. But just puts kind of like a crystal cradle up and catches it. 2d6 plus wisdom to shapeshift. This is a thing now. This became a situation. Oh, yeah. Yeah. 10. 10. Great. So you get three hold. Okay. So that's. You use your hold to like root down and grab the tree. The other way. Yeah. And just scales it down. Yeah. You could scale it down. Takes out a bark off. Wait. Scale it down. Like how?

What do you mean? With the crystals. Runs it through his crystal. Oh, like you get it. You like. Make it go. Okay. Beautiful smooth. Okay. Slide. You slide it off. Yeah. And then use your crystals to strip all the bark off. And then like Billy get it. And then he like does. Yeah. Let's make it all together. Make some cool party trick. Yeah. All right. What does Billy do? He gathers up all the bark. Uh-huh. At top speed. Yeah. Raw lumber coming at you. Woo. He can make stuff taste different ways.

Can't he? That's true. Oh, yeah. He turns into beef jerky. Beef jerky. He starts throwing it out to the crowd. Beef jerky. Okay. I need Billy. I need Billy to roll for this too. You get some jerky. Okay. So Billy, what is this? Charisma, I guess? 2D6 plus charisma? Yes. Eight. Okay. Great. It's a little tiring because you're doing it to so much. You're feeling like you have to influence so much wood chips at the same time. Mm-hmm.

But then you're throwing out beef jerky and people are chewing on this bark. Like they take the bark from you and they're like, okay. And Billy takes a bite too to be like. Yeah. Beef jerky. Yeah. And they're like. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Well, we eat bark from time to time. So it's not. And they take a bite and they're like, holy hell. That's beef jerky. And then people are tossing it around and you're passing it out. Everybody's having a grand old time now. Yeah.

And the log just gets smoothed down and like. Yeah. What's the next move? And then he was like, tuck. Log's up. Yeah. And then I go over there and I do the Highland game that Merbo was doing where he was. He was lifting like a stump or no. I do the, you know, the one where you flip a tree. Caber toss. Yeah. The caber toss. I invent that. Sick. I right now. So you pick up a tree. No one's ever thought of it in this world. Right? Sure. Yes. Yes. And so I pick it up and I'm like, check this out.

And I like, I like flip it. And I'm like, for the logger. So do I. Forest. No, I say log. Yeah, I know. What do I roll? 2d6 plus strength, I guess. Five, six, seven. Okay. Yeah. So you flip it and you flip it so hard and you send it right into the bottom of your chin. Go ahead and roll me. What's your damage die? Uh, d10. This is incidental. Do a d6. Okay. Two. You get two damage right in the chin. I have one armor already. Yeah. Cause you're so tough. But you feel. You feel.

You feel your lips split. So you're bleeding a little bit now. And I turn around and I'm like, yeah, but you do like you flip it. You flip it all the way over and it lands really far away. And there are a bunch of people in the overhang that are like, oh, yes. And then a bunch of people start coming out and some strapping young, young buck grabs it and he throws it and sends it into the bottom of his chin and spits out a bunch of blood and goes, yeah, he flips it. And this is a game now. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Bloody mouth yeah and everybody's just having a grand old time smashing themselves in the face with this log I go to these guys I'm like wow that was like not planned at all pretty good show we put on and the woman comes up and she pats you on the on the arm and she goes your heart is in the right place but you should really learn something about the patrons like 90 of what you did was so wrong but I appreciate it nonetheless yeah I mean you know spread it around spread around things that I do I will but not the wrong ones okay yeah tell people about the prayer use the prayer more no there's a lot wrong with the prayer that's okay the thing that I'm trying to start just use it we'll see we'll see you're gonna use it she goes off and she fills up her mug again I turn to these guys I'm like probably she'll use it right yeah for sure oh she's got she's she's gonna use it and uh yeah the party just continues uh is there anything in particular that you want to say about the party I'm gonna say that the party is a little bit that anybody wants to try and accomplish at this party what's billy seems excited what's billy trying to do snack table oh there is a large snack table uh there's some sort of roast bird there's like a big platter of red meat that's been cooked over a fire there's so many delicious looking drinks there's like barrels of stuff with taps in the side there's little berries like piles of berries some sort of jam looking stuff what's billy going for I'm shoveling a bunch of berries and I'm like I'm gonna go get some of these things I'm gonna go get some of these things into the backpack okay backpack acquired with berries yeah uh go to the bird grab a leg grab another leg uh two legs yeah that's four legs so you're fine sweet uh double fist yeah and uh yuliam sitting on the other side of the table eating he's not really engaging in too much of the partying he's like you know you don't have to you don't have to pack it away we're not gonna take it from you you can eat as much as you like oh really yeah and he's like putting like some walnuts and stuff in his mouth okay so I tuck in the the two legs into like my waistband and I grab the other two legs I'm like thank you dear take a seat take a seat okay can you pick me up I can't reach it with all the food he uh steps over the table like he stands up and walks to the other side and puts you up thank you and he sits down next to you this is what I've found at parties if you sit near the food you don't have to come and get more food it's just here the whole time oh my god never thought of this classic uncle advice yeah you can take that from your old pal yuliam I will so what's your uh what's your story you look like a young lad to be traveling with uh strange warriors such as this yes I suppose but they're nice to me tuck over there the big one he found me one night um I mean I don't he wasn't very happy with me at the time he was roasting a big old jackalope and I I invited myself into that I don't think he liked it very much how old would you say you are I'm like nine or something or ten nine years old yeah I barely hefted my first axe at nine and I was nay on the road what you know I was nay on the road a little lad like you stumping about in the woods oh yeah I too was nay on the wood he nods and he's like all right well as long as you feel safe and you feel a little bit better I'm gonna go to the next one like you're where you're supposed to be yeah this I'm so happy right here this boat of gravy I pull it closer to myself I dunk my chicken legs or whatever they are into it yeah he's like a little lad after me own heart well let's tuck in and he kind of bonks his chicken leg against your chicken leg and he gets into it uh tuck are you still is tuck still doing games with people yeah he's still eating a conga line all right that's a feat of strength no he moved just a conga line uh yeah and there's somebody like playing like a drum and stuff like that I guess I'm trying to explain what a conga line is yeah you're trying to explain conga yeah I'm like it's like you just it's an excuse to touch someone else's hips I guess oh and they get that they're like oh okay yeah yeah I'm trying to break it down and I'm realizing I don't understand why that it happens but they're all like touching each other's hips and they're like kind of in a circle and they're like hey hey give me your hips are you starting to wrestle yeah kind of it's turning into a wrestling it's turning into a wrestling matchup a pile of people wrestling each other slapping each other and the hips give me them hips boy there's a bunch of people just like in a circle yeah they formed an arena like yeah totally yeah there's a ring of people there's two people in the middle and they're like they got their arms out to either side they're like okay all right and one slight one jumps forward slaps him in the hip and go one point conga conga conga conga conga conga conga conga There's two games that have been invented.

There's Bloody Mouth and then there's Konga, which is like touch football, but with wrestling. Yeah. That's a fun game. And that's great. And it's pouring rain and they're just having a blast. What's Ving up to? He's getting pissed with the boys. Oh, yeah. He's got a bottle of booze in his gills. He's chugging spruce vodka in his throat. He's got one in each side. And then he's chugging down here, too. He's got three bottles, free pouring. And there's just a group of people freaking out.

They're like, yeah. Chug, chug, chug, chug. You're chugging so much. You're chugging so much, bro. I'm chugging so much, bro. And somebody comes out. A pretty beefy lady comes out. A pretty beefy lady. A pretty slash beefy lady. And she comes out and she's got this big clay. Jug over one shoulder. And she slams it down on the ground. It's got a little rag around the handle. She's like, you look like you know how to drink. Try some of this.

And she pops the cork off and smoke starts coming out of it. Whoa. She's like, you ever had a dram of this? No, but I've vaped before. Oh, if you've vaped, you'll appreciate this ember mead. Ember mead. Strongest liquor made from the honey of the fire bee. Oh, it'll get you red. Right, dickhead. I don't know what that is, but it sounds super sexy. Let's do it. Sounds super sexy. Okay. Are you going to hammer this? Like, just get down on this fire mead? Yeah, yeah. Ember mead. Ember mead.

Ember mead. Give me a 2d6 plus constitution. Okay. Seven. Seven. Okay. So you just go to town and smoke starts pouring out of your gills. I've still got two holds. So let's grow some things on my back. Like wooden tree wings. And then they're on fire a little bit. They're smoldering tree wings. Just to look insane. Yeah, just he's getting hammered. He's getting crazy drunk and things start popping off. Drunk shape shifters. Real problem. It is very weird when he gets really fucked up.

So yeah, this like smoldering wood thing comes out of your back and they're all like, whoa, sweet. Sweet. And so what's the seven to nine? Seven to nine. You get like something happens. An intervention. Billy and I are watching from the other side of the party and we're like, we really need to talk to him about his shape shifting while drunk. I have a problem. And the lady like has her arm around your shoulder and she's like, hey, how's a problem? And she's drinking too.

And yeah, that's so I don't know. What's do you get entangled? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so it's that sort of thing. You drink all that stuff. You drink the fire mead. The smoke's pouring out of you, and the wood comes out of your back, and you're all having a great time, and she just grabs you by the front of your shirt. She catches the vibe first. She knows what the situation is.

She just grabs the front of your shirt. She winks at me first. Yeah, and she plants one on you. Oof, and I plant one on her. She doesn't like that. There's a lot of plants coming out of you. It's gross. But yeah, so that's the situation with Ving right now, and Mears is having a similar time. He's over with some of the younger kids, some of the teens. They're not drinking quite as much or quite the same stuff as the adults, but kids in Pinewood still drink a little bit.

Mears is talking to, like, there's another teenage boy that he's talking to, and he's getting a little, like, Mears is getting a little giggly, and he's trying to be cool with his hook, and he's showing off his hook, and he's showing off his sword, and there's all these kids that he's just kind of having a grand old time with, and yeah, the party's just going to continue. Are the ones… The One Tree Hill singers on stage? The One Tree Hill singers are here? Yeah. No? Weren't they on stage?

We did that whole thing. You know what there is? Okay, so there is a little stage to the side that has its own little underhang thing, and there's, like, a local group that's putting on, like, their own rendition of the One Tree Hill players' ongoing serial. They're remembering their favorite episodes, and they're sort of acting them out, so there's two…

There's a teenage boy and a teenage girl, and they're dressed up, and they're putting on accents to do this thing, and they're like, Jennifer, I love you, and I am willing to give up my career in basketball for you, and she sort of strides over to the other side of the stage and puts her hand up to her forehead and goes, Jason, you've said that so many times before, and your father has come between us yet again, and it's… And then the twin comes, or the half-brother comes in.

I know literally nothing about One Tree Hill. So a half-brother comes in, and he's sort of dragging one foot behind him, and he's hunched over, and he's like, Jason, if you finally rid yourself of Jennifer, you and I can complete our long-lost goal of finding our mother and exacting our revenge on our stepfather, Jared. And he goes, Kyle, no. I just want to be with Jennifer and play basketball on the weekends. And that's sort of what's going on over there. Wait, what is Jennifer doing?

What does Jennifer do? Jennifer is… She's like… She's having a soliloquy because she doesn't know that… What was the other brother's name? Kyle. Kyle. She doesn't know that Kyle's there. It's like a poetic fallacy. Let's hear it. And she's like, what should I do? Should I follow Jason as my heart wishes me to, or should I go to school in… In Massachusetts? Should I move away? To learn how to be… To learn how to be… Anything I've always wanted to be. To… To learn to be…

How's that song go? Anything but what I've been trying to be lately. And then the song starts. And then they all come on stage. Everybody that's been in the play so far comes on stage and they hold hands. And they're like, I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately. And you can see, there's a younger kid to the side of the stage that's now like yanking on a rope really hard. And the makeshift curtain they've made starts to come across the stage and covers them up.

And only the kids are watching. Billy and I are in the back and we're like, whoa! And then, yeah. And I'm like, because we've been gone for like three months. I didn't know what the season finale was. And I was like, that's what happened? Yeah. Yeah, that's what happened is they all got so excited. The players did pass through. You hear from one of the kids later on that the players passed through and they did the season finale. And they were so excited that they had to do it again.

And I'm talking to Billy and I'm like, oh man, I cannot wait for the next season. I hope that Jennifer chooses to go to college. Yeah, so she can learn to be something than other that she's been lately. And you can… You can… I'm sorry. I know, that's so funny. You know how sometimes like a father and a son have a tradition of watching a show? Totally, yeah. Like the son doesn't really understand. Yeah. It's that. Yeah, totally. Oh man, it's so good. And the kids are so excited.

They're so glad that you liked it. Yeah. Like, you know, when they came through, it was just, it was so, it was so beautiful. It was so emotional that we just had to reimagine our own run and just put on our own reruns for everybody here. And we're like, we're really glad that you could come and watch it and that you enjoyed it. Yeah, I think you guys could do this professionally. And they're like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. And they start like fanning themselves. Like, oh, thank you so much.

Thank you. And I'm like, in fact, if I take out a piece of paper, I was like, I would love to get all of your autographs. And they're like, oh. They're so nervous. And I'm like, because I'm sure it'll be worth something someday. Yeah. And one of them runs over to Yulian. Yeah. And they come back with like a pen, like a click pen. What? Yeah, Yulian's got a pen. Like, it's so weird. He's got this metal pen and it pops this nib out and he writes with ink. Wes is losing his mind.

Yeah, it's, he's, but you can see the kid asks him for it and he hands it. He's like, okay, here's the pen. And as the kid runs away, he's like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. But the kid is being very like, and they're all scrawling with this ink pen. And it's amazing. There's no quill. They don't have to dip it in ink or anything. Is this like an artifact from like, The Wizard Times? It is very expensive. He bought it from, you hear, you get the idea that he got it from the city.

He got it from Black Glass. Can we Spout Lore about this? Yeah, sure. Go for it. 2D6 plus intelligence. Well, there you go. See, the thing about these pens are. Yeah, I don't know anything. So you grab the pen and you're like, you're like, oh, look at this thing. I don't want to. Don't make me break the pen. Don't break the pen. Okay. All right. Okay. So what you do do is you press, you're like pressing the clicker. You're like, click, click, click, click, click, click. Wow. Look at this.

Click, click, click, click, click, click, click. And you press it and you press it really hard and you let go and whatever ink reservoir is inside shoots out the back and just lands somewhere in the leaves. Can I see if I can find it? Yeah, you can look for it. Okay. What do I need to get? And Yulium, you see him stand up. Oh, Jesus. And he's like, wait a second. You start storming over. 2D6 plus and what is looking? Oh, wisdom. Wisdom? Yeah. Is this a discern realities?

I guess it would be a discern realities. Yeah. 11 plus 10 plus what? Okay. Wisdom is 11. Yeah, you got it. You get three questions. Three questions from what should I be on the lookout for? Tell me, where is it? Where is it? Tell me right now. I'm freaking the fuck out. So you start. Let me just grab the list. Do you just know the questions? Yeah. There's what should I be on the lookout for? Where's the fucking pen inkwell? Tell me. Tell me right fucking now. I'll beat your ass.

I'll beat the shit out of you. Tuck is telling this to Sean, the GM through space and time. I'll beat the shit out of you personally. Yeah. So you kick around like you run over. You're pretty sure that you knew where it landed and you find it in like buried under some pine leaves and you find it. It's a little, it's almost empty. Okay. Because it looks like a bunch of the ink poured out onto the ground, but you do find it. I just like spit in it a little bit to like make more ink. I'm like.

He sees it. He sees it. He sees it. He sees you. Does he see me do that? I'm trying to hide it. No, you're huge. You can hide anything from anybody if you turn around. I'm on the ground. Yeah. And I mix it up and I put it in. Yeah. It clicks. I'm like, okay. Yeah. And he takes the pen and he looks at it and he goes, okay. I think that's enough autographs for now. And I'm like, you're probably right. You have two more questions, by the way. I don't care. All right. Fine.

What are the, what else is there to know? I mean, what happened here recently? What should I be on the lookout for? Or what is about to happen? What here is useful or valuable to me? Who's really in control here? What here is not what it appears to be? What here is not what it appears to be? I guess I'm talking to him and I'm like, I'm really sorry. I know how rare these are. It seems like a really nice town. You've got a great town here.

And he kind of looks around at all the people having a good time and all the kids are excited about their play and everybody's having fun. And he's like, I mean, what is a fine place? And it's a shame that it's run into the troubles that it has. And we're just really, really pleased that you've come and agreed to help us. As you can see, what a close-knit community of people that really care about each other. And anything that can endanger that is of real concern to us and our way of life.

And sorry, what was your question? The question was, what here is not what it appears to be. Just give me a sec. I got to think about it. Ving and the women are going at it pretty hard. By the fire. And somebody goes, get a room. And then Ving starts building a room around them. Roots come up. Building a room. Ving has used his whole to grow a room around them. A tiny house around him. Beautiful. Billy wanders over. He's like, are you wrestling? No, I mean, technically, I mean. Who's winning?

And you hear, yeah, you hear her go, oh, I am. Oh, I'm winning. She won twice. Whoa. Good for you. Holy shit. Yeah. Yeah. No, Mears walks up and he's like, Billy, let's go over here. Yeah, okay. Let's go back to the snack table. Okay. Did they bring out anything new? They're just like replenishing stuff. So there's like more meat, more alcohol. Yeah. Billy's never been to an all you can eat buffet. So he kind of taking it as a challenge. Yeah. Oh, we'll see.

Let's go back to a little bit of foreshadowing. And as you're like, you're talking to Yelium and he tucks his pen in and he's like, thank you so much for helping us. You're sort of looking around the town and just being like, yeah, this is really nice. And you look over at one of the trees that has like a big patch of green moss on it. And you see in the center, you see that some of it is like a bright, like azure blue. And you're like, that doesn't seem right.

And you take a little, a little closer look at it and it's moving just a tiny bit. Whoa. Yeah. Uh, that's weird. Yeah. But I mean, it seems harmless enough. It's just like, you know, the world is a weird place. Yeah. It could be anything. Okay. Yeah. Um, and then I, I have one more question. You do have one more question. Unless there's like, who likes to party? Yeah. That's my last question. Who likes to party? Thing. Stage. Oh wait, you guys are fucking. Oh, we're done. Okay. Great.

So you just walks over hairy looking. Yeah. His hair is even more out there than it usually is. I got wood. Yeah. You're still pretty hard, but and why, why do you want being on the stage? I was going to do a rendition of Alice. Okay. All right. I don't, I just feel like they've heard it. Allison. Why don't we sing? Rebecca. Okay. Okay. Let's do Rebecca. Rebecca. People start gathering around. What instruments are there? Uh, there's a, there's the flute.

There's that guy's pan flute that he left here. Yeah. So I stand up bass, washed up bass drum. Yeah. Well, I'll take the flute and I'll like smash it. So there's only like the middle part of it. So it's not so unruly. You see that in the back with his hands in his hair. Like, no, I was like, don't worry about it. This is going to be way better. No. And my hands are stuck in my hair. And I'm like, Hey everybody, look over here. Are they looking? Yeah. Some people are looking. Okay.

Like being, you know, I are going to do a song. One, two, one, two, three, four. Her name was Rebecca. And she is not a succubus. When we came down from the heights, we found a bag of cookies. Me and Rebecca hanging out and eating cookies. Get that nookie, get that cookie. Get that nookie, get that cookie. Rebecca, you are something else. You make me feel like I'm in a house. You make me want to walk up a cliff and catch a beam of sunlight for you. Rebecca! And everybody goes nuts. Wow.

It's like, yeah! Do we have to roll for it? It's music, man. You're not trying to, because the last time you rolled for it, you were trying to distract me. You distracted people from the fact that Billy was breaking into a room. Okay. I want to roll for it. All right, do it. Defy danger charisma? Guess so. 11, 12, 13. Everybody goes nuts. They love it. They can't get enough. Yeah, they say, encore, encore. And this time we do Allison. Fuck yes! Mears, look!

Yeah, and Mears is still with that kid that he was talking to, and he's like, I know these guys. And he's like, oh, cool! And yeah, Allison is a huge hit as well. Have they heard it already? A couple people are like, oh! They start pointing at you like, this is dumb! This is Allison! And one of them runs, runs into his room. Like, one of them runs off, and you see him come back a few minutes later, and he's got a big glass jug in his hands.

And he, it's got a cork, and it's got some sort of weird liquid in it. And some other thing in there. And he runs up, and he's like, can you please, can you please sign this? I'm your, I'm your biggest fan. Yeah. I was like, yeah, totally. I got this at great personal expense to me, and I've only listened to it a couple times, because I want to, I want to have it for as long as possible. Okay, yeah. What's your name? My name's, uh, Jigbin. Jigbin. That's me, Jigbin.

Do you have a last name, Jigbin? Yep, it's personal. Jigbin personal. You can share it. It's, it's Burl. I'm a Burl. Oh, you're a Burl. I'm a shite carpenter, though. I don't like to tell people. I, I mostly just love music. Oh, yeah, man. What's your favorite kind? While I'm signing, we're just talking. It's gotta be rock, gotta be rock and metal. You don't get a lot of that out here. Yeah. What is the main kind of music out here? It's mostly like, bed, flutes. Yeah, bed is the only one.

And then someone came through with that, with one of these babies, and I've been holding onto it ever since. You know what? You should make a lute. You should make a guitar. Not me. Well, I mean, your whole family is carpenters. I'm sure you could, like, convince one. I hope so. I don't know if they'd approve, though. You know, the barrel name, it holds such weight. Yeah. Forget weight. Follow your heart. Yeah, man. People would probably love your music. We'll see. We'll see.

You obviously have great taste. Oh, thank you so much. But he's like, oh, yeah, so if you could just sign this in any way that is convenient or easy for you. Yeah, sure. I'll take out my impenetrable billhook, and I'll, like, like, scratch my name into it. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah, he's, and Ving, do you use him? Oh, I use my crystal hands. Oh, yeah. Scratch my little name. Oh, yeah. And he's like, oh, this is amazing.

And he looks inside at the liquid and the little, you see a little thing running through it just to make sure that there's nothing wrong with it. And it's like, oh, this is amazing. Thank you so much. I'm going to be the, be the talk of the town. Oh, no, no one's really going to talk about it, but I'm going to talk about it. Yeah, go for it. Thank you so much. And he runs off and he starts showing other people. Cool. Yeah. We should find Billy. Yeah. Billy's, still at the food.

Billy has gorged himself. Oh, and is asleep. Yeah. He is so drunk. Billy's drunk? Yeah. Oh, no. He didn't know what was in those kegs. Jesus. Yeah, you see, there's like, Billy breathes in and snores and a little bit of smoke comes out of his nose. Fuck. And also, there's a lot of chicken in his mouth. He hasn't swallowed it. He goes over and scoops it out so he doesn't choke.

And you see, there's somebody sitting across the table from Billy and he's this, it's just this like big dude and he's eating too. And then he gets up and as he gets up and leaves, you see the image of Perel sitting on the other side of the table. Whoa. He's like, so you're just leaving Billy to kind of do whatever he wants now, huh? He's talking to us? Yeah, he's talking to you too. We go up and we sit with him. Yeah. And he's, he's the way that Billy has been seeing him lately.

So his robe is a little looser. We, yeah, we haven't really described it. I swear that I did, but now, no, I've listened through all the old episodes in the last couple weeks. Never describe him. Okay, well, so just describe him. In my head, he was kind of bald, like kind of tan skin, a sort of sharp nose. Does he have a toilet bowl? But it's very, he like obviously shaved it. Okay. During his life, but you can still see like the stubble.

And then I realized after I started describing him last time with like the glasses and stuff that in my head now, he just kind of looks like Stanley Tucci. Fuck yeah. That's awesome. Yeah, like he just, but he's like kind of, he's like a more tan Stanley Tucci. Does he have a mustache? I mean, he can, I don't know if he had a mustache. He's probably had a mustache at certain points in his life. Cool.

But like he's, he's also, it's all just up to affectation because I don't know if we've really talked about this, but I don't know if wizards are necessarily people in the same way that other people are people. So like he's just decided to have a mustache from here and there. So yeah, he just looks like Stanley Tucci. Yeah. So like you're talking to him and then like you look away and you look back and he's got a mustache. He's got a mustache and glasses. Wait a second.

He's like, oh, you didn't like it? Yeah. Drops into a soul patch. What about this? And then he looks like the scientist from the movie from Captain America. He's like, oh, mustache is better. Okay. Well, what's he's wearing? He's wearing his robe, which is like blue and covered in designs that sort of shift and move. And then he's got like a light shirt underneath because his robes open and he's got like kind of short pants, kind of capris. Like he's, he's casual Perel right now.

Like he's cargo, cargo things on it. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. There's little pockets. He's a, he's a professional. He needs storage and you see the inside of his robe. Actually, if this is based on how it looked in his life, it's just covered in pockets. Like the inside is full of stuff. Cool. Yeah. And he's just sitting there like, so you're just kind of, I know that you've let Billy run around in the past, but now he's coming into his own power and he's going to need a guiding hand.

I can only do so much. What do you, I mean, I mean, Billy does what Billy does. We don't have control over him. Well, I know in the past that's kind of been how you do it. Look, man, I trust, we trust Billy. He's never let us down so far. He has a good heart and he has a good will and, and he's got a good head on his shoulders. And then at that point in time, Billy barfs a little. Yeah. Well, he's got a good heart and good will. Honestly, like, I feel like Billy knows what's good for Billy.

He, he looks up and he's, yeah, that's probably true, but do you know anything about fairies? Nope. Fairies, no. Well, that might be what you're dealing with here. And they're creatures of, of instinct and desire. And if, if you want to keep him around, you're going to need to let him know that. Because he could desire another life at any time and he could be gone.

And I turned to Ving and I'm like, like, I hear this like kind of advice a lot, but I think anytime we've tried to like interfere in Billy and how he can governs his life, it like goes wrong. And if Billy chooses, he wants to leave at some point. That's his choice. I'm happy with his choices if they make him happy. Yeah, me too. I think the best we can do for him is like teach him how to be happy and to like understand himself. I agree. And not to swear. Yeah, that's my fucking fault.

I do that a lot. So fucking nice. I taught him most of his bad words. He's he's picked up a few on his own. He had a he had a long time to learn. Do you know how old he is or who his actual parents are? I only know as much as I can intuit from, you know, past research. Just watch him. Doi. Yeah, we're gonna keep an eye on him, obviously. He's our favorite thing. Yeah, we love him more than anything else in the world. Look, I mean, what are we gonna look at? We didn't do a great job tonight.

What are we gonna watch? Him and we point at Mears. What's Mears doing? Oh, what's Mears doing? He was talking to that kid and he's like, okay, bye. I'll see you. I'll see you later. I'll see you tomorrow. Did you give him a kiss? No, he's too shy. He's like, okay, bye. And he's like, you could tell he wants to. He's like thinking about something and he's like, okay, I'm gonna go. And then he walks over to you and he's like, this is a great party. And like, hey, Mears, have you met this guy?

He's a wizard. He looks over and he's like, what are you talking about? Oh, I assumed you were talking to each other and you look back and Peril's gone. Classic wizard. Mears is like, okay, anyways, I'm gonna hit the hay. I'm pretty tired. Okay, sounds good. Did you make it with that guy? He blushes so hard. He's like, what are you talking about? It's like that dude you were talking to. Who, Kem? Kem is, he's cool, but like, I don't know. Whatever. Another way he looked at you. Yeah.

He's like, whatever. I don't even, I don't, who, bye. He just walks off to go find somewhere to sleep. He's like, I'm gonna go find the cart. I'm gonna go find out where Francis went. You should find out where Kem lives. Kem lives over there. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go find where Francis is. We're yelling at him. We're like, Kem really wants it, man. Go for it. I'm gonna go find Francis. Bye. And he's gone. He's gone.

But yeah, and the party can continue, but people are starting to fall asleep at the table or people are starting to go away in groups and on their own and things are starting to wind down. It's pretty late. Yeah. I think me and Ving have to have a conversation about Billy. Okay. Is Billy up? Kind of, but he's rolled back down onto the table. And we're kind of just like rubbing his back to kind of get him through the night. See, Merbo and Yilliam have left. The woman's gone.

But you see, you've got this sort of quiet area under the overhang. What do you think? Do you trust Perel? I mean, yeah, kind of. I kind of do too. And that's saying a lot. Yeah. Because he killed you. I mean, Billy seems to trust him. Yeah, Billy seems to trust him. And like, I don't want anything bad to happen to Billy. He said that Billy could die if he's not trained, if he keeps doing what he's doing. Yeah, I guess he could, but he doesn't really know.

Like he said himself, he doesn't know what fairy magic is like. Like, is there anybody that does? That's a good question. That's a really good question. I actually haven't even thought about that. That's something that would be fun to explore. Yeah, we wake him up a little bit. Yeah. Billy, you've been remembering more and more, right? About your past? Mm-hmm. Who's the first person you can remember? William. William. William. Do you remember where it was? Yeah, it was in the woods.

And he woke me up. This was in the Halfling Lands? Yeah, it was at home. Was it Lone Tree Hill? Yeah. Yeah, it was. And then we kind of like let him fall back asleep. Rub him back. We rock him back to sleep. And we're like, William. Yeah, we might have to try and find, we might have to try and find William or his like descendants, depending on how old Billy is. Maybe there's like some information that's been passed down. Yeah, about like what he is or who he is. All right.

Let's just go to William right now. Just picking. I'm like, I think we need to get to the vault. Ving is hammered. Yeah. No, you know what? Yeah. Let's do it all right now. I start realizing now, I'm realizing now that Ving is still pretty fucked up. I've got smoke for wings and I love chicken. Chicken wings. And I'm like, okay, buddy. And I, so Billy, Ving is holding Billy and I pick up Ving. And I'm like, well, let's get you both to some bed times. Yeah. I'm a bed times. You're a bed times.

We're all bed times now. Bed times now. And you head off to sleep at the, Burbo set you up in the town hall. And you're like, and the night ends. And that's where we're going to end it for this week. My name is Sean O'Hara. This has been Spout Lore. I'm your game master, Sean O'Hara. And joining, joining me, Sean O'Hara has always been playing Tacoma dome, the barbarian of dual Aziz. Bye everybody. Further friend of Sean O'Hara playing Ving, the half elf druid, Paul offers offers. Bye.

And also next to Sean O'Hara is playing fat Billy, the half elf druid, the half elf thief, Jessica tie. Good night, everyone. And listening to my Sean O'Hara voice right now is you. And thanks to Aaron Reed too, man. I'm fucking this up so thoroughly. That's okay. We got a lot of background. It's fine. And thank you for listening to a podcast, the likes of which the world has never seen the likes of which good night, everybody. See you next time.

And so ends the tale of adventures three, who tried the best they can, the dumb and scared and lost. They be for times of breast in revelry. And though our journey may be like a conclusion, we will not leave you without a resolution. Return next week to hear some more. Wow. You can you, or do your chores. And for you, I gladly. It's about.! Oh Oh Oh

Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers have health, he shifts his shape, and wields a spear with great might Peely's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends, and listen close For the tale's about to start Welcome to Spout Lore everybody!

When last we left our heroes, a lot had happened They had traveled from the city of Highspear through the rest of the Highspear principality Over the borders of the Firefields Learning about themselves, learning about each other, and learning about an axe that Tuck has now Smashes rocks, real good Yeah, it's getting pretty intense And being offered to teach me more about what it does And I said that smashing rocks was good enough for me It sings Yeah, smashing rocks though Yeah, it's still smashing rocks It's a lot of work It's a lot of work It's a lot of work It's a lot of work It's a lot of work them into weapons and stuff.

Shaped like a throwing star, but he can't leave his hand. I mean, you could probably snap it off, but it probably hurt a lot. Billy had a bit of a revelatory experience on his own where he realized where he came from and that he is, in fact, a fairly old fairy boy instead of a halfling child. Yes. It's true. And he has learned to harness his innate fairy magic to make things taste like other things. Yeah, that's about it. Walk by a rock. I think we already discussed this.

Looks like a rock, tastes like a cookie. Eat the rock. Don't eat rocks, Billy. Put the rock down, Billy. Lick it and put it down. Stop eating rocks. If you have to taste it, taste it, but don't eat the rock. Just swallowing pebbles all the way to this town. It's a problem that we've been dealing with. It's like when parents have to deal with a kid who eats too much paste. And then we're having conversations where we're just like, I don't understand why he keeps doing it.

And then we start fighting because I think that any amount of paste is too much paste, but you still let him have some paste. I mean, he can take some rocks, but it's getting unmanageable at this point. I say no rocks. He seems to be digesting them in some fashion. No, they come out whole. Yeah, you weren't… We've had to help him through some rough shits. He's a wizard, not a gizzard. Pretty good. Pretty good. You're a gizzard, Harry. Jesus.

And you had spent some quality time with Mears, who has been traveling with you. Mears has learned that he loves cooking on the road and in doing so has blown through weeks worth of rations. In his defense, it was also us goading him. Come on. Into making better and better food. He was an orphan growing up, so he's making up for all the food he didn't get to eat as a kid. Mears? He has a dad. You met his dad. His mom's a piece of shit, though. But she's not dead. I know, but he thinks they are.

No, he doesn't. He says it all the time. That's his excuse. We're like, we met your dad. I'm an orphan. I never had. Yeah, he's trying to fit in with the three of us because we're orphans. Yeah, except Bing also has a dad. He told you that. Yeah, but he's a piece of shit. Fuck my dad. At least my mom never fucked my dad. Maybe that's what orphan means in this world. If you just don't like your parents, you're an orphan. Yeah, you can orphan from your parents.

And I guess Billy technically has a dad. It's a tree. That was not clear to me last time. He's a piece of shit, though. Billy still thinks he has parents. Yeah, because he's had successive generations of surrogate parents. No, wait. I think he would like that to happen, but I think he knows. He's from the tree. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. So he's trying to come to terms with this memory. Like, try and make sense of it. Yeah. His quest for family has always been a quest for people family.

It's a tree family. Yeah. Yeah. He wants to relate. Yeah, because he tried playing and having a catch with a tree, and it didn't work. Didn't work. It's just him throwing a baseball against a tree. Standing in front of a tree waiting for him to throw it back all day. Come on. Come on. Throw it. Then he waddles up and picks it up again and waddles back. Yeah. And that's how William found him. Throwing a baseball at a tree. I bought you a glove. Kid, what are you doing? Just take me home. Okay.

And that ended with the three of you and Mears and Francis, the woolly pig hippo thing, arriving at the village of Pinewood. And the rains have started, right? Yeah. The rains have begun. So monsoon season is upon us. Yes. The monsoons have arrived. That's the name of a pretty good metal album. The monsoons have arrived? Yeah. Yeah. It was the first album of a group called The Monsoons. Ooh. They broke up right after the album came out.

But every once in a while in the wet season, they come back. Yeah. And they get everyone pretty wet. You fucking know it. And so when you arrived in the town of Pinewood. Jessica, laugh into the mic when I say something funny. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Don't want to be loud. Laugh into the mic so everybody knows the joke I made was received well. Yeah. There's too many times that I make jokes that I hear Jessica laughing very quietly. And I'm like, fuck, I can't boost this enough. Fine, fine, fine.

Okay, I'll laugh more to make you feel better about your jokes. Oh, Abdul seems so sad underneath the brevity. You know, you can just take her laughter from elsewhere. Oh, yeah. Chopping. Chopping some other laugh. So every time Abdul makes a joke, it's the same laugh. Just ha, ha, ha. Cuts off abruptly. You arrived in the village of Pinewood on the shore of a lake. And you were greeted as heroes and warriors as you had apparently, accidentally, unknowingly answered a call that the town put out.

The person that greeted you, Merbo, was thrilled that the warriors that they'd called for had arrived. And the town's problems were now over. It was like an open call for warriors. Yes. So they just put out a bunch of mails to a bunch of towns for a bunch of warriors? Well, we can get right into it. Yeah. Here we are. So we… And what… Wait, before we get into it. What does Pinewood look like? It is nestled in the trees.

Like, there's a few open areas, but a lot of buildings are built next to or under the canopy. So there's a lot of wood buildings. It's fairly spread out. Like, once you looked around Pinewood, you're like, oh, this town's a lot bigger than I thought it was. It's just really spread out. Oh. Yeah. It's like a provincial campsite. There's a little camp, like, picnic table. Wasn't this, like, Goldstream Park? Yes. Yeah. I've imagined this is sort of like the…

Because I describe a lot of stuff as Goldstream Park. One communal toilet. Yeah. Nobody can shit. There's one campsite next to that toilet, which is the one that you always end up getting. Yeah. Yeah. If you're late. I've had that one before. Yeah. You were late. Yeah. There's a pretty wide variety of, like, dwelling. There are large wooden and stone buildings all the way down to just sort of, like, lean twos that are up against trees. Yeah. You can walk forward a little bit after you arrive.

Is there a wall around the camp? Sorry. There's a lake on one side. Is it like a tree fort? Yeah. Like, there's whittled sticks. Yeah. Yeah. It's a palisade. It's a wooden palisade. Like a fort. Like a bunch of just trees that have been cut down and put side by side. Yep. Pretty much. Like the colonists. The colonialists. Are you talking about, like… In Pocahontas? You know, like, welcome to Jamestown, Virginia. She's thinking about Pocahontas. I am. Okay. Jamestown in Pocahontas.

Virginia Company. Yeah. Why are you doing an Indian accent? I'm not. And I mean, like, India. Indian. I thought I was doing a British accent. That one's British. Okay. British India. Yeah. It does… Like, the one border of the town is the lakeshore. Like, it does go down to the lake, and then the palisade goes off into the woods and encloses an area. And there are a bunch of people here. They were all very excited when they heard that the warriors had finally arrived, and Merbo took you into…

A large building near the center of town that you get is sort of, like, town hall sort of vibe. And there are so many people. They're, like, clapping you on the back. They're like, oh, finally. Finally, our problems are over. And they're all so excited. There's, like… Somebody starts playing a flute. It's just great. Everybody's psyched. They're handing us flute. Except for… They're not psyched about the flute guy. Yeah. Everyone's just like, fuck. Yeah.

There's a dude with a huge wooden flute, and he's just like… And you can see the people next to him. Yeah. And he's just like… He's the only one with dreadlocks? It's a pan flute. And they have that really… Oh, but, like, really long, so he demands a lot of room in the space he's in. He has, like, a pan flute with, like, 200 different things. And he's holding it like this. It takes him so long. His arms are, like, ripped, because he has to move the flute really fast to play.

He has so many lip slivers. Just red and bloody. Or they're just calloused. He's got two leathery lips. He's on a slack line as he's doing it. Yeah. And when he's not playing the flute, he just devil sticks. Jessica, into the mic. I am. Don't yell at me. No. So, Merbo takes you into Town Hall, and as he's walking in, it's a beautifully made place. Like, there's a lot of really nice woodwork. It's very solidly made. There's a lot of fine…

Some cool, like, designs carved on the outside and inside. Oh, wow. You're… The crown moldings in here are nice. Oh! I like how you've used the burls in the wood and followed the natural curls. It's beautiful. Oh, Pinewood prides itself on the fine woodworkers that we have in the village. All of the buildings here have been built by the same family, and they have a fine tradition of carpentry and architecture. Oh, nice. Which family? He says, yeah.

The Burl family's been building buildings in Pinewood for generations. Is that you guys, or what? No, I'm not a Burl. What's your last name? Merlewood? Burl? Merbo? Merblewood? Fenning. Merbo Fenning. Fine family. My brother and I, we've been the headmen of Pinewood for 20 years. Are there, like, paintings or anything inside the… It's all carvings. What are the carvings of? The previous heads people of the town. Oh. Pinewood. Some scenes of significant events.

There's one of a dude just, like, punching out a horse. Whoa. Yeah. I like this one. I run over to it. What is this? Oh, that's a fine day in Pinewood's history. One day, a horse came into town and got all uppity, and the brother of the mayor, Tegbig Foreman, just punched him right in the snout. Was it a talking horse? Yes. It was very disrespectful in other ways. Whoa. What ways? He just had a way about him. Oh, yeah. You ever seen a horse and you've just been like, God, this piece of shit?

Yeah. No. Sure. Oh. Yeah, totally. What is happening here? Oh, a lot of things. Anyways, come along. We've been waiting for weeks and weeks and weeks for the warriors to arrive, and now everything is going to be… All right. And he takes you through the town hall. Guys, how far are we going to go with this? All the way? All the way. Yeah. And Mears is following behind like, I really don't know if we should be taking this much time. Shut up, Mears. Shut the fuck up, Mears.

This is how you adventure. First of all, lower your stupid voice. Hey. I feel like I'm speaking the quietest out of all four of us. Mears. Mears. Shut up. Mears. Okay, now you're all whispering. Mears. Look at us in the eyes. All of us at the same time. Look at me in the eyes, Mears. His eyes are darting between all three of us. All three of you frantically. Good. Now shut your mouth. Yeah. We have no food, thanks to you mostly. The monsoons are coming and we have no shelter. Yeah.

Mears, you fucking idiot. Monsoons are coming. We ran out of food because of you and us, but you. And also, this is how you fucking adventure. It's like, you run out of shit, you plan poorly, and then you take a random job that fulfills the narrative requirements of your current quest. And you… You put 100% of your trust in a stranger that you don't know at all, and you let them bring you deep into their township, and anything could happen. And you accept it. Yeah.

If we hadn't done that in fucking Mudlark, we wouldn't have ever met you. You would have had two hands. Think of this cool claw that you got because we went with the flow. Oh, yeah. Thank you so much. Thank you for kicking off a series of events which led to me losing my hand. I really appreciate it. You're welcome. Yeah, you're welcome. Sigh. He sighs really hard, and he just gestures for you to continue. Oh, yeah. We follow Murbo. Yeah.

Murbo takes you into a series of rooms off the side of the town hall. There's a big office, and there's a man sitting behind a desk that looks a lot like Murbo, but instead of red hair, he has black hair, and he's got a full beard instead of the mutton chops, and he's a little bit heavier. He looks like a kind of dude that spends a lot of his time sitting, and he's hunched over the desk, and he's counting coins. And he's making marks on different pieces of paper and stuff.

And he looks up, and he looks at Murbo and says, Hey, what's this? What's all this that you're bringing into my office? I got work to do, you piece of shite. And he goes, Yildim, these are the warriors we sent for. They've arrived. And he goes, Oh, okay. And he sort of takes you all in. Like, it's sort of like a progression. His, oh, and then goes down as he's like, oh, he sees Tuck, and he's like, hell, yeah. He sees Ving, and he's like, okay. He sees Billy, and he goes, what?

And then he sees Mears, and he goes, no way. You can see all that happen in his eyes. Are we sure that these are the people that are best suited to solve our problem? The big one, for sure. But that's a child, and that's a teenage boy. Hey, I'm 35 years old, you piece of shit. Who the hell is this guy getting off? You would have said you were over 100 years old. You're not 35. Hey. You look like an old 35. Biologically, yeah, yeah, totally. You're about an elf 35, a temporal 120 or something.

That's not bad. I can't remember what it is. Oh, no, that's Dan. Dan's like in his early 120s. Oh, yeah, we never specified your age. Because you're half elf. Don't look at my purse. Give me that. Don't look at my ID. Are you carrying around a purse now? The whole time. Wow. It's one of my flaps. Yeah, he's got a lot of satchels. I love your style. Mm-hmm. I love it. It used to be very popular in the early 2000s. The more I listen to the show, the more I realize that Paul says flaps so much.

Yeah, me too. And no one has ever asked him to clarify. Jessica does off mic a lot. It's pouches, right? Like you're saying that you have a lot of pouches. Yeah, and also just like pieces of hides. Yeah, that you keep stuff in, right? Yeah, some of them. And I remember you said that some of them were colorful. Some of them were colorful, yeah. Are some of them for warmth? Yeah, some of them are, yes. I asked for clarification and I honestly didn't get it. No, you won't. You wouldn't, would you?

The more information that I got, the more confused I was. How is it more confusing? He's just got a bunch of layers on and then some purses and pockets and pouches. And then some of them are just general flaps. Yeah. Yeah, totally. It's like skin tags. Different like furred hides. Yeah, skin tags. Yeah. Wonderful. Ears. So yeah, Yulium pushes some paper. Yeah. Yeah.

And he like steeples his hands on his desk and he goes, All right, well, if you're the warriors, take a seat and I'll give you the rundown. Have we been having this argument in front of them? About the flaps? No, that was out of character. No, about Finn's age. Oh, I guess, yeah. Yeah. You are not 35. You're not 35. I'm 25. If you're 35, something's wrong with me. Yeah, and he just says, Take a seat and we'll go over the situation. Okay. I turn one around. I said it. I said on it backwards.

It like, no problem takes your weight. And then, it's beautiful. But like, because my legs are spread so far. Yeah. My dick falls out. Because I have a loincloth. I've switched it back into the loincloth. It's not like a diaper anymore? Well, no, it's, what? It's never been a diaper. Yeah, it was. What the fuck? Because you, because the- Because water kept splashing up on your undercarriage. And so you put a flap underneath your nuts. I gave you a flap to keep your nuts dry.

But- Wait, so when you said you changed back into the loincloth? Because I had cut the elf armor into daisy dukes. Oh, I assumed that was done long ago. No, it was the whole spirit world I was wearing daisy dukes. I think, yeah. I think it is something like you all sit down. Well, Ving, or Tuck at least, sits down and gets his dick out. Do you all take a seat as well? Yeah. Yeah. I just sit on the floor though. I can't reach a chair. Yeah. Do you try and struggle up? Yeah. I like hold on to it.

But it's almost like if I were, like me as a human were to try, like get on top of the fridge. Like I clearly cannot. So I give up, but like really coolly. Like, like who cares? I'm not embarrassed. I'm fine. Great. And he, yeah, he- Mears sits on my lap. Mears looks around, but there are, he realizes there are only three chairs. And he's like- And then Ving's looking at him and he goes like this. Pats his lap. And he sits on your lap. And yeah, Yulium takes you all in.

He looks at Billy and Ving and Mears with some recognition. He's like, okay, that's a halfling. Ving is gently rocking Mears like, you know, like a, like a pony ride. I mean, sure. Yeah. And he sees like a boy that is very clearly from the principalities. He sees an elf. He's seen elves before. And then he looks at Tuck, this like hulking man. Tuck gives him a thumbs up. Yeah. Like, and the fact that you're wearing a loincloth and it's monsoon season and you seem unaffected.

He's like, you seem like you're from parts unknown to me. Yeah. I'm from McCall. Ever heard of it? Oh, I've read of McCall. A fine land from all reports. And also impressive that you can read. I also can read. And then to show, to show him that I can read, I look at a book and I'm like, it's a book. He turns and looks at his bookshelf, which is like, he actually does have like a significant amount of books in here. Yeah. This is maybe the most books I've ever seen.

Wait, so this is the most books you've ever seen? No. There's the, but it's the most books I've ever seen outside of the Maragani Library in McCall. Yeah. Tell me about, so there's a big library in McCall that Tuck's familiar with? Yeah. Every time, uh, like a, a trading, uh, crew or a merchant, uh, caravan would come and, uh, come into McCall.

One of the rules at the port is that, uh, or at all of the ports of entry is that you have to surrender all of your original texts and then the scribes at the library copy them out and they give you the copies and all the original stay. It's like an Alexandria thing. Yeah. Yeah. Which was problematic because of how many fires the library had. So that's why they do it every year. Yeah. So many, so many original texts have been destroyed. It was, it was really a tragedy. Yeah.

That sustained over decades. Man, I like that a lot. Yeah. So that's what Tuck's mind wanders to, uh, when he's looking at Yuliam's bookshelves and you realize that he's been talking for a while. Oh no. And what he was saying to you two was, uh, and Mears was what the situation is. So basically what the problem is, is, uh, Pinewood is a logging town primarily. The, like the majority of their economy is based on, uh, cutting and selling timber to Blackglass and the surrounding towns.

Blackglass being the capital of the Firefields Principality. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, within the last couple months, they saved up a bunch of money and they bought a steam powered tree feller from the city to like up their output. And it was going great. They were like, this is awesome. We can cut down so many trees and we're making so much money. And then, uh, they lost a team of lumberjacks.

Something in the woods took them or they're just, they haven't been seen in a long time and they sent more people out to try and deal with it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's a problem. There's a problem.

And taxes are coming soon, and they know that they're not going to be able to pay the tax people in Black Glass for this tax season, and they're worried about what that might mean, and they sent out a call to the city for warriors, and now you've arrived. It took a while, but you're here. Well, that's the situation. We've lost a number of timber jacks, and our tree fellers out there in the woods somewhere, and we need it back.

We need to start cutting timber at the rate that we were before if we're to pay taxes. So you want us to find your chainsaws and your people? That's it. So you can pay your taxes? We want to make sure that we can start working the way that we used to and the way we have for generations, cutting wood. Guys, I don't know if this is the adventure for us. Well, I mean, I turn to Mirz, and I'm like, how far are we away, Daze, from the vault? His eyes sort of glass over as he's trying to remember.

He pulls out his crumpled little map from the side of his backpack. A bunch of saffron. Falls out. Yeah, there's like beans and shit hitting the ground. And he's like, uh, uh. Twelve suppers. Three days? Four days? So when's Maggie expecting us there? Twenty days was what we agreed on. It's been a week. So we have like 13 days. Technically, we have time. Billy, what do you think, bud? Billy fell asleep. Wake up, Billy. Billy, wake up. Sorry. Hey, darling. Billy, wake up.

So Billy puffs up his chest and wipes the sleep from his eyes. And he's like, you know, I once had a position as mayor in a- His eyebrows go up. No, this is great. I want you to monologue. Well, I was once a mayor of a fine town such as this, and I wave around my hand. And perhaps- What? We could work together, mayor to mayor. And my colleagues, I wave to. And we wave also. Bowing. Mears waves. Yeah. Awkwardly. And my colleagues will help as well for price. Oh, well, yes, there is.

There is a reward. That is why we sent out the call for warriors. Of course. Oh, yeah. We would not expect. We would not expect anyone to risk life and limb for nothing. Could you remind me what the reward is? Of course. And he waves his hand over to the side of the room. And he says, a beautiful handcrafted armoire in bed frame. Made by the Beryl family. Priceless. Billy, get him to double it. There's this big, beautiful, like, cedar armoire.

It's, like, carved around the top with nice, like, a nice wolf motif. And there's a bed frame next to it. It's really nice. Get us money and food. You know, the problem is, is that we don't have a permanent residence that could house such fine craftsmanship. Go, Billy. It is a remarkable piece. And, but I don't think we could do it justice. I think, perhaps, would you consider smaller? Crafted wood things. And some money. And some food. I like that Billy's strutting around it.

And he's, like, really, like, mayoral and puffed up. And he's, like, remarkable piece. Beautiful line. Rides his hand along it. And he's, like, amazing craftsmanship. And he's just making up words. And he's, like, I like the scribbles inside. Maleficent knobhead. I say all those things. Yeah, totally. He furrows his brow a little bit. And he says, you are aware of the potential value of such a piece. We are not. Oh, fuck me. Well, what is he, what are we talking here?

Well, you know, without the stability of having our industry available, we can't confirm that we'd be able to pay you any significant sum until it's been returned. But I'm willing to make a deal. Yes. So, provided, what is your fee? That depends. What is your most valuable object? Ving says, puts his hands together. What would you consider the most valuable thing you own? What's the best thing you got? And if you could tell me about the security measures associated with it.

If it was such an object, I would appreciate it. And glance to it now. Is it in the room? Are we near it? Hmm. What do we think? Well, I mean, the tree feller is probably really pricey. Oh, God. The tree feller. Yeah. I am the tree feller. Hoity-toity-toity. Boing, boing, boing. I want to see the steam power tree feller at some point on this side quest. I mean, let's think about it. Because, I mean. Let's talk about this together. What sort of thing would you guys be interested?

What would they say yes to? I was 100% going to let Billy negotiate the deal for us. Yeah, okay, Billy. No, I don't know, though. Which is like, I love that Billy was asleep and then he woke up and he was like, Well, I was mayor of a tent. And he just like dropped into this character that is not Billy. And he's just like, Oh, he's going for it. Okay, cool. Let's let him. He's got the reins now. Let's see where he rides his pony. And I like that we're like. Got a little slack job looking at him.

We have almost like a. Yeah. Free range parenting model. Yeah, totally. We absolutely do. So we're just like, you know what? This is going to be the project for these next few days. You guys are like Montessori parents. Teachable moment. Yeah. All right. So. I also forgot I still have all those black rings around my face. Right. But that have like run down because of the rain. You look psychotic. So as you're touching the thing and going. He's like, beautiful. I actually don't. And it's like.

It's just smearing. Wet. All right. Well, if you're not interested in the arm water in the bed frame, what fear would you like? It's not that I'm not interested in this remarkable, stunning piece of furniture. It's just we have nowhere to put it. And. And again, you know, it deserves so much more than what we could provide. I. Estimate. It's worth roughly 500 gold coins. He like coughs into his cup like, oh, I don't know about that. Sorry. Let's. Let me recalculate this. 200.

It's such a fine piece. Yeah. It's so fine. I would have. I would have thought at least 250 gold coins. And Billy looks over at us and we're like giving him the thumbs up. Yeah. Good job, Billy. Let's see. I like this, like making bigger. One of us is going bigger and the other one's going smaller. And I'm just like, yeah, OK. We're not giving any good advice. You're going to have to roll a parlay, I think. Sure. So the basically the your leverage is so it's put to the six plus charisma.

And the leverage is that you will help them, you know, because it's like, you know, we're interested in this, but you got to give us what we want. All right. Two to six plus charisma. I got four. Four. You got four. Four. I'm so sorry. Shit. OK, so you get a point of experience. Can we? Oh, no. Can we roll again? No. OK. Yeah. He basically says, like, as I said, he's not like mad or anything. He's just like, as I said, our industry is all but dried up.

This is sort of what we're able to offer at this juncture to any potential warriors that want to help. I can't give you any more. As he's saying that, I like gesture to Billy like. I'm like, ask for some like a cool thing instead, like a token or something that we can carry. Also food from one mayor to another. Perhaps I can cut a deal that will work for both of us. My party and I require food. And perhaps in exchange for this armoire, you could provide us with a really cool token of some sort.

Right. Something very cool. Billy does the hand motions that Tuck and Bing were doing. Yeah. He looks like he's tugging hard at like a long shaft. Jesus. He keeps nodding and he's watching you do this. Like, what is this? They're shaking his head. No. But he's thinking like, oh, well, we did have something, a little something planned for any warriors that did eventually.

So we cannot offer you any more for your fee, but we would be happy to offer you room and board and a little, shall we say, revelry. Should you agree to help us? I love revelry. How about two revelries? Yeah. Yeah. A revelry before and a revelry for when it's all rubbed up. Yeah. We could do that. Billy puffs himself up. None of us know what a revelry is, obviously. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Desk like, all right, this is a fine thing. And Marble's like, wonderful. And I'm like, let's shake on it. And then we do our three-way handshake that we do all the time. So the three of you are shaking on it. And Gilliam's just watching you and letting you do it. And then Mears. Mears. And Marble strides up and shoves his hand into the middle. And he puts his big mitt over all of your hands. And he's like, all right, so tomorrow you'll go out into the woods.

But tonight we rubber tree. Rubber, rubber tree. And he storms out. And we get a little montage of people setting stuff up. Because they're laying out a little feast for y'all. Oh, my God. And so the rains have started. It's raining pretty bad outside. But they have a sort of undercover, like a big, wide pavilion area that's like, you know what? Like Goldstream Park. He's obsessed. It honestly is the only frame of reference that keeps making sense to me. But they have those, like, big roofs.

With, like, the pillars. And it's just picnic tables underneath. It's a big one of those. And they set up different walls and stuff to make sure that, like, everybody's out of the rain. But they bring out roast meats and delicious foods and casks of, like, ale and liquor and stuff like that. And there's just a fucking party. They're so excited that you're all here. They're so excited that you're going to help.

And through the rains, you can see that, like, the clouds will break every once in a while in the distance. And you can see the moon is becoming more. And you can see the moon is becoming more. And you can start seeing the edge just through the trees of smaller celestial bodies that are sort of trailing near the moon. And you see the edge of the coronet. The broken moon. The broken moon is starting to come over the horizon. It's still pretty far away.

And it'll be a while before the coronet is fully visible. It's a weird sight for everybody. Like, everyone that looks in the distance of the coronet, when you can see it, their eyes catch for, like, just a second longer than it usually would. Because it's like, man, yeah, that's back. It's a broken-ass moon. Like, no one's seen that in a long, long time. And these people have been seeing it for the last three months, right? It's been… It's still coming into the sky.

Like, it's like you see chunks of it, like, the edge of it. And you're like, oh, wow, yeah, that's weird. But as the days go by, more and more makes itself visible. Oh. But there's a party. Nobody's really worried about that. So there's music and there's food. And just outside this pavilion area, you pass on the way. There's a large stump that's very visible in the sort of middle area of town. It's got a crude… The crude shape of an axe carved into it.

And there's a bunch of hatchets and axes of various sizes, like, smacked into the top and side of this stump. What is it? You can gauge from the things that you've seen in your travels that it's a shrine to the forester. Like, of the innumerable patrons, the forester. Can we do a… Spout Lore? Yeah. Yeah, you can do a Spout Lore. Who wants to do a Spout Lore? Jessica has two cookies in her hand. Oh, wait, no, one of them is dice. Cookies and it's multitasking. Plus intelligence. Five?

You have zero intelligence? Can we aid? Oh, yeah. No, because she's got five. So you'd have to be able to bump it up. What if we both aid? You can't. You ask that every time. Why, though? Because those are the rules. I hate this. So what… Happens when Billy tries to learn about this? You just… I go up and I'm touching all the carvings of the axe. And I'm, like, sticking my fingers in everything because I can't really read. Uh-huh. Okay. There is a…

A brusque older woman that, like, kind of hustles up to you as you're messing with… And you're, like, pulling on axes and stuff like that. And you, like, tug one out of the side. And she comes up. She goes, Hey, you little… You little pest. You can't mess with… Shrines? Oh, what? I'm sorry. I thought it was a statue or a toy. What… Where did you come from that you don't understand the patrons? You don't notice a shrine when you see one. I'm sorry. She snatches the axe out of your hand.

Hey! Yeah. We run up. We run… Rush over. Is this your little mongrel here? Hey! Do not point that axe at that child. And don't call him a mongrel. She's a rescue. Hey, mongrel, rescue, whatever it is, he doesn't know not to mess with things that aren't his. And she slams the axe back into the side of the… Too close to Billy. Well, yeah. It's like whack right back into the stump. And I step in front of her between her and Billy. And she looks you right in the face. She's looking up way far.

She's like five feet tall. Okay. She's pretty hunched, but she's staring you right in the eye. It's like, hey, don't mess with my kid. Tell your kid not to mess with my shrine. And she starts like poking you in the chest. Don't poke me in the chest, you old bitch. No. Who cares? This is… I know. I'm making this too serious. Oh, my God. Yeah. She says, get your… Don't kill her, this fucker. Everybody's just getting mad at you. And she's poking you in the chest.

Get your chest out of the way of my finger. Okay. And he moves and she's just poking Ving in the forehead. You stay away from my shrine. This is everyone's shrine, not just yours. It's not your shrine, that's for sure. You know who doesn't want to hear fighting? The patron of the lumberjack. Oh, the forester loves fighting. The forester fought with the trees every day of their life. They fucked with the trees? They fought with the trees. They fucked the trees? Watch your language.

She starts waving. Get the hell out of here. Your patron fucks trees? She starts steaming up. And it's pouring. And then I go over to the shrine and I start like thrusting my hips there. I'm like, ooh, look at me. I'm the first of the foresters. These trees get me so fucking hard. And you start seeing other people in the town. Oh, no. Seeing you do this. And a lot of people are getting like mad. This situation is escalating. Ving's like, no, calm down, everyone.

It's just this lousy, filthy-tongued, sack-a-saw-diss bitch. Wielding a rack. And it sort of continues like that for a while. She's mad. Some other people are mad. And the party continues. But there's a good contingent of Pinewood villagers that are not psyched about you guys. Fuck this place. Yeah. We're your warriors. You should respect us. And somebody does speak up. Like, it's the flute guy. It's the pan flute guy. Big surprise. Fuck this guy. Yeah, they came here to help us.

We should be more respectful. Oh, shit. Don't know any of the flute guys on our side now? No, that's not good. It's not a good place to be. Oh, my God. We're the flute guys. Oh, no. You hear somebody from the crowd go, shut the fuck up, Ved. Ved? Everybody hates your flute. You suck at it. Pipe down, devil sticks. And the party continues. But there's, like, a weird tension now. All right. I'm going to walk up to that angry lady. Oh, okay. She's, like, steaming. She's drinking a mug of ale. Hey.

Oh, what do you want, you little pest? No, I'm sorry. I really didn't know. I'm just small and innocent and unlearned. And I just thought it was a toy because, like, I haven't had any fun lately. And I had to do a lot of adult stuff today. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Oh, my friend. He's just really protective. I'm sure you understand. And I try to touch her hand. And she's, like, oh, man. She can't stay super mad.

Like, you're not just going to start to keep screaming at a kid that earnestly tries to apologize. You got to roll something else. Defy danger, charisma. Six. This could be an aid. Okay. We pop. I jump in behind her and start rubbing her shoulders. Massage. Massage. Massage. Massage. Massage. Massage. Massage. Massage. Massage. Massage.

Massage oh no don't touch anybody with those hands you kidding me with my elbows then okay all right you gotta roll plus bond with billy oh 12 okay so yeah you make that a seven for billy yeah with a seven she's not jazzed but she uh loves the massage yeah you can see her like loosen her shoulders a little bit close her eyes just revel in this uh this firm massage and her shoulders are like fucking tight like she crystal and crystal yeah yeah yeah and it's not it's not great but she looks at billy with her eyes still half closed she's like all right I understand you seem from the halfling lands I know you don't respect the patrons you don't know enough about them but if you're gonna stay in a town like pinewood you should learn something don't just keep sticking your face wherever it is oh but that's how I learn she looks at billy and she's like oh you know you you don't understand no harm no foul I'm just it's been a tense few months in the town after that blasted machine came down a lot of good people lost their their ways of living and I'm just I'm frightened for the future of the town and I'm taking it out on you you little ragamuffin she sort of pinches your cheek a little bit she says if you're not a good person you're not a good person you're not a good person you're not a good person if I had it my way you wouldn't bring that machine back at all this has been Spout Lore I'm your game master Sean O'Hara with me as always playing tacoma dome the barbarian Abdul Aziz have you considered that this might be a fern gully scenario playing ving the half-elf druid Paul Oppers maleficent knob heads and playing fat billy the halfling thief jessica tie I thought it was gonna be like a mini thing like we need to have an election thanks to west for all the tech for all the tech for all the tech for all the tech for all the tech for all the tech for all the tech for all the technical stuff thanks to abdul for all the editing work thanks to aaron reed for our intro and outro music thanks to mark and mp for offering up their home yet again and thank you to you for listening we'll see you next time and so ends the tale of adventures three who tried the best they can though dumb and scared and lost they be for times of rest in revelry and though our journey is a long one we may be lying a conclusion we will not leave you without a resolution return next week to hear some more whilst you commute or do your chores and for you I'd gladly be I asked you I don't have to be any one other than a birth of two souls in one there's gotta be an easier way to do there's not there's no way where I'm coming from I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately you!

I'm tired of looking around, wondering what I gotta do. Who am I supposed to be? I don't want to be anything other than me. That was the Lone Tree Hill Singers charting the top 795 beautiful downtown principality. Come on, check us out. Downtown principality, if you're in the beautiful area downtown. Come check it out. Downtown Mulberry, Pinewood. Pinewood. Here we are in downtown beautiful Pinewood Forest. Come check us out.

There's one guy that found a wizard-made transmitter that he's just convinced is still working. And secretly, it is. I thought it was just the town crier. Come on, check us out. Talking into a big horn. Yeah, and I imagine the Lone Tree Hill Singers were actually there. Are they in Pinewood right now?

Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers have health, he shifts his shape, and wields a spear with great might Billy's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends, and listen close For the tale's about to start Hey, what's going on everybody?

It's me, Sean O'Hara. And welcome to Spout Lore. I'm your Game Master. We're going to be continuing our game of Dungeon World today with me as always Playing Tacoma Dome the Barbarian, Abdul Aziz. Hello everybody. Playing Ving, no last name. Paul Oppers. Ah, it's like Sting. Playing Fat Billy the Halfling Thief, Jessica Tai. Hi everyone. When last we left our heroes, the journey had begun.

After returning from the spirit world and meeting back up with Maggie Cole and the Menders organization, they had a loosely affiliated guild of sorts. They had agreed to continue their task of delivering Perel the Wizard's wardstone box to a place called the Vault. Some companions were left behind, such as Wicker the Cat, no longer with us.

And instead, now traveling with them, I assume in an attempt to have some sort of accountability, Mears Foulsmith, a newly minted Mender and stressed out teen. There was some shopping happened, and you are now in the possession of a huge hippopotamus sized shaggy pig thing that Ving has said is named Francis, and a cart, and you are on your way to the Firefields Principality. How's everybody feeling? I don't know, like I'm happy. I'm feeling happy that my friend is not dead anymore.

And we're, I, but also I feel a sense of loss. Because… Because we were gone for three months, so there's a lot that we missed. Right, yeah, you found out that upon your return, three months have apparently passed. I've, yeah, I think we missed the season finale of the Lone Tree Hill Players. The, they do that serialized teen drama about a group of teens playing basketball. I thought it was lacrosse. What's basketball again? Um, it's, uh…

You try, you have a bunch of baskets on the end of sticks, and you try, and you get, and you get a little ball in there, and then you try and hit, get it into a net at the end of a field. Lacrosse is when you dribble a bigger ball and try to get it into nets. Lacrosse is French, uh, is a French cooking competition where you make hot cross buns. But yeah, that's sort of where we start.

Mears, uh, is guiding the cart that you all find yourself in, and said that, If you're going to make it to the vault in time, if you're going to travel through the fire fields, you need to get there before the monsoons. Oh, yeah, we want to do that. You're leaving Highspear. Okay. You're traveling down the road and, you know, you pass the road that you know would take you back to Bullrush Village and the relative peace and safety that you found for a few days.

And I get out of the cart when we're passing that road. Oh, and yeah, Mears hauls on the reins and goes, ah, what's the holdup? What's going on? I'm like, I just have to do a pensive look down this road for a bit. So I just, I grab a handful of dirt and I'm like, I let it blow in the wind. I'm like, wait, what was her name? Oh, my God. Allaki. It was Allaki, yeah. I'm like, Allaki. Mears turns back and goes, does he do this a lot? No, I've never seen that before.

I've never seen it with the dirt. I mean, he says women's names all the time, but I've never seen the dirt thing. And then you just get back in the cart? Well, I go up to these guys. I'm like, how did that one look? It looked weird. I mean, there was no wind, so the dirt just fell on the ground. I mean, she didn't die. It looked like you were picking up where you knew her ashes were. Okay. Well, we'll go and try it one more time. And I just, I go back up and I, this time. Kneel. I kneel.

He's coaching me from far away. Kneel. Okay, I kneel. I come up too. Okay. And I start blowing. Like as the wind? Okay, yeah. Because the air is very still. Yeah, it's pretty still. So Billy's just walking around a kneeling tuck? Yeah. He's going. And he's doing the thing where he's waving his arms and pretending to be wind. That's really good wind, Billy. Blow, Billy, blow. They're spit everywhere. And as that's happening, I grab another handful of dirt and I'm like, one day.

This time I say one day. And I look at Ving for approval or coaching. And I say, now. And then I blow into my fist. And as he blows it, Ving runs up behind and gobs as much of the dirt as it comes to his mouth and then just runs down the road with it, throwing it up in the air. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yeah, there's like every once in a while, somebody will walk by with like a hand cart. It's like, hello. Hi, we're in the middle of something. Yeah, people are giving you a pretty wide berth. Cool.

Because you're still pretty close to the city gate. And it's a pretty big city. Yeah. Well, sometimes we'll like turn back and be like, how did that one look? We'll all ask, but now we're all invested in it now. Yeah. And you hear from high up on the city wall, you see a guard go, pretty good. It looks pretty good. On a scale of one to 10 of pensiveness. Oh, like easily eight, maybe nine. Oh, we all high five. What are your criticisms? It's mostly technical, but I'd say you've got the feeling.

Okay, cool. We did it. Yeah. I turned to mirrors. I'm like, how long was it? He looks up at the sun and he measures with his hand against the horizon in the sunlight. Squints, says, I have no idea. Just get back in the cart. We should go. Okay. And he whips Francis, the woolly pig who gives a like. Do not whip Francis. No, it was like a, it was like a, yeah, you know. You'll be pulling the cart before I'm through with you. If you keep this up. Francis, could we go now, please? And he reaches.

He goes forward with his foot and prods the back of the. Hey. I'm just, I'm willing to take alternative ideas. Have you thought of ants asking Francis how he feels today? Or if he's thirsty or if he's hungry or if he needs to have a nap. Or if he's a he at all. Or I, yeah, maybe she's a she or they. He holds the reins out to you. I take them and I drive the pig. Mirrors. Watch this. Oh, Francis, may we please? My lady. And then clip, clop. So Francis, the woolly pig just lets out a.

And then starts clomping down the road. And then being hangs the reins back to beers. And beers just holds them in one hand and just lets, lets the pig do its thing. And yeah, over the next five days or so, it's fairly simple going. You camp at the side of the road when you need to. You stop at roadhouses here and there. What do they look like? This is like a nice area of the principality. Because from Bull Rush to High Spirits, a lot of rolling plains and river valleys.

But the mountain range that High Spirits are part of, the Cypress Mountains, continues on from east to west. And eventually breaks off into like another smaller range of mountains. And the trees start to get denser. And there's more pines and oaks and sort of other coniferous trees that start to get dense. So there's copses of trees that turn into small forests.

And you can see in the distance, the far, far distance, you can see the wall of pine forest that marks the edge of the firefields principality. So there's a lot of nice old wooden roadhouses or small villages in the distance around trees that look like lumber camps. You can smell like the smell of wood smoke all the time. Yeah, there's a point where it's just wood fires all the time. There's cedar in the air. And the road is like wooden planks in places.

And there's also some spots where it's like. There's like wooden bricks that have just been bricked up on this pretty nicely maintained road. Are we passing any people as we go? It gets lighter in this direction. You don't know if it's time of year, although Mears did mention like monsoons. So you think that maybe around this time of year, people don't travel as much because they just don't want to get caught in the rain. This is sort of a period of downtime and reflection.

Like there's a lot of time for you to think about your different things. And there's… Billy's just sleeping the whole time. No, it's so boring for Billy. He hates to reflect. Okay, so here's the thing that happens a lot for Billy. Perel appears before you a lot in this time frame. Because if you remember during your visit to the High Spirit Mall, he's able to sort of enter this state of your mind where everything else has slowed down or stopped.

And he can sort of have extended conversations with you. And he wants to talk about all the magic stuff that happened in the spirit world. And the fact that your crystals have crumbled into just like a hand. A handful of light blue gravel. And he's trying to teach you about magic. Something that you… That Billy took from… Because you and I have talked about this. Jessica and Sean have talked about this a little bit.

But after the planting of Gary, the Gary Oak tree in the forest, Billy remembered something about his past. What did he remember? Do you remember? No. What did he remember? What did I remember? That you remember the spot in your mind. In your memory that Perel has appeared to you before. The tree that you're sitting at the base of is a Gary Oak tree. Yes. But as we have established, Gary is the first Gary Oak tree. Oh. Yes. You remembered the future. Oh my God.

Or the weird screwed up nature of time and space post-Exodus. Maybe the past. Do you think that tree was Gary? I think it might have been. Oh. Cute. But that also with Billy's… He's informing from Perel that Billy is not quite a halfling child. Yeah. He's a little fairy boy. He's a little fairy boy. And that tree, as we've talked about, Billy remembers. What? What? Nothing? What do you mean? I laughed because Wes laughed. Oh, at little fairy boy? Grow up, Wes.

Oh, you're a little fairy boy, aren't you? You just like being a fairy boy with your tutus and your creamsicles. Your pants are so tight. You were short, short. Creamsicles. Creamsicles. Creamsicles? Enjoy lollies. Oh, man. So. But yeah. So what were you thinking Billy's relationship with this tree was? All right. So what I was thinking for Billo is that he is born from the woods. He was found at that tree at his age. Yeah. He's always been that age. He was just born fully formed, basically.

Yeah. Yeah. And he was found by the original William, who was a farmer at the time. William was a nice man. He farmed. He farmed. Root vegetables? Oh, yeah. Yeah, potatoes. Yep. As everyone did. Farmed potatoes and grains. Grains. Short grains. Now you get specific. So William took little Billy in as his own. And he was pretty nice to him. But William was an old farmer. And he left him in the care of his other children, William Jr. And his wife. And Billy doesn't really know him.

And Billy doesn't really remember all of them. But many subsequent Williams, like regular William, Skinny Bill, Hungry Bill, Big Bill, Small Bill. Wait. Did William name all of his kids and grandkids Bill? There's just not a lot of names. Halflings are pretty unimaginative. There's just a lot of Williams and Willys and Billys and Billows. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's so funny. That's why you're denoted to be Fat Billy. Yeah. So Fat Billy. Anyway. Yeah.

So Billy's remembered this part of his past as part of his childhood and his heritage. So he was born of the Gary O. Yeah. And a lot of people didn't like Billy because they were like, we've never seen this weird child. His hair is a strange color. He does weird things. Let's lock him up. Let's treat him like a piece of shit. Yeah. He's like an orange piece of shit. Yeah. Let's treat him like the little fairy boy that he is. Yeah. Oh, it didn't help that he wore like such tight pants.

I mean, also because he was so fat. All the pants just ended up being tight. All of the pants that halflings make are the exact same size because all halflings are the same size. And they were just like, this fat little fuck doesn't fit in our pants. We hate him for it. That's why they didn't like him. Because it was annoying. Yeah. And also because he burned down so many grain silos by accident.

And that actually factors into what Perel is talking to you about because he, in a many drawn out, extremely boring, like thaumaturgic, like academic lectures. Yes. He does realize partway through that he's been trying to force a way of magical thinking on you. Yes. But now with the knowledge that you're a fairy, he's like, okay, this might explain, why the crystals have crumbled. Because you were basically trying to force your magical energy through a tool that you can't use.

So while it was amplifying your magical ability, it was also destroying the structure of the crystal at the same time. God, speak English or whatever. That was the plainest I could have made. Speak common. Speak common. Common, please. That was absolutely. That was absolutely the simplest way I could have said that. No. Okay. Imagine you were trying to hammer a nail with a spoon. I have done this. Yes. How did it go? Pretty good, actually. Oh, I don't believe you.

It was a small nail and a big spoon. It went in. It did the job. Yeah. This is when we learned that Billy has, on several occasions, stolen hammers and used them to drink soups. That's the real trick. You think hammering a nail with a spoon is hard? Try drinking soup with a hammer. You guys think Billy uses utensils? Crazy. That's the trick right there.

But the takeaway from all of Perel's magical lecturing is, and he's getting real, like, over the days, he's getting really, like, stressed out about it. And his magical projection of himself from the box, he's, like, loosened his robe a little bit. He's got, like, some short pants underneath. And, like, basically. He's got short pants? He's underneath his robe. Yeah. And he's basically got, like, a polo shirt. Not, like, mid-thigh. You know, like, casual. He's got capris on? Basically.

What the fuck is going on with this? And he's just, like, he's got his. One day, he's got his hands on his hips and his robe's kind of open. And you can see his, like, casual wear underneath. And you don't know why his magical projection is doing this. You think that now, since he's been separated from this, like, dark part of himself for so long, he's, like, getting more comfortable with how he used to be. So every once in a while, you'll see him, like, with glasses on.

And he'll just have, like, these little reading glasses on the end of his nose. Like, what are we doing wrong? What are we doing wrong? You have the ability. What are we doing wrong? I like that he's just, like, becoming more and more, like, a distraught substitute teacher. Where he's just, like. I'm going to get through to these kids. He's just, like, when do I have to wheel out the TV and play Shrek?

At some point, he has to break down and be like, okay, today we're just going to watch a movie. Yes! But the takeaway of this, basically, is that he. He does eventually help you channel this sort of natural fairy magic that you have. And Billy learns to replicate a simple trick. What trick has Billy learned to replicate? Guys, what should I. Food. You just did it. A food thing? Something Billy centered. It's got to be something associated with, like, your appetites.

Because that's the thing about, like, the fae. They're driven entirely by desire, right? Is that true? Yeah. What are we doing right now, Sean? Is it? Are we not improv? Are we not creating the world that we are in? Is there a guidebook? But are we letting Jessica speak or are we directing it forward? No, no, no. I am explaining something to Jessica about something that she knows about. It is very important that she listens to me. Yeah. I call it correct-splaining.

Happy International Women's Day, everybody. Happy International Women's Day. Abdullah's shirt is open. He's wearing a wife beater underneath. And he calls it a wife beater. Okay. All right. I'll throw out an idea. No, no, no. I want to hear it. I asked you guys. Yeah. I just wanted to make sure that we were doing a back and forth. So, in other books that I've read, the fae are driven entirely by desire.

So, it's like all of the magic that they do is, like, it has to be in service to their desire. So, like, Billy's desire is rooted entirely in, like, satiating his appetite. So, that's why. That's how I would. Yeah. Yeah. Tactile pleasures. That's so legit. Yeah. Oh, and tactile. Like, soft. Yeah. The kid is soft and comfortable. Wicker. Yeah. Wicker. Also soft. Yeah. Yeah. Wearing around a raccoon skin. Ooh. Soft. Mm-hmm. So, I've. So, I talked to.

Like, you and I have talked about this, Jessica. And one of the things that you think that fairies are really good at is switching things. Uh-huh. So, is this maybe Billy has learned to, like, switch the materials of small things? Fuck yes. Okay. Yes. So. So, this will be very small scale to start. Okay. It just will be. I had so much. All right. No. Okay. No. Okay. What were you going to say? No. Just go there. I was like. Who's correct-splaining now? Okay. Sean. It's me.

I'm the correct-splainer. I've been the correct-splainer all along. I was going to. This is too big. No. But I was like. I could pick, like, little weeds and then they turn into tasty foods. Croissants. Croissants. A leaf becomes little mini croissants. It's all croissants. That's funny. Ving does the opposite. Yeah. Ving. Yeah. He just, like, he goes into a bakery. He just eats a jar full of. Nettles. Seriously. Kale. Chard. Rutabaga. Rutabaga. Rutabaga. So that totally makes sense. So you.

Billy can, like, pick a weed and make it taste like a different thing. Yeah. He can pick poison berries and they turn into little raspberries. Yeah. That's great. Awesome. So. Oh, I have another idea. Every bed that Billy sleeps in, like, when he wakes up is like. If you touch it, it's like all of a sudden, like, the softest, most comfortable thing. It's like. Almost like. It's an involuntary response where he changes his. His environment. To be more comfortable. Oh, I like that a lot. Yeah.

That's really cool. Yeah. That's really good. And that's why you should always listen to me. Yeah. The correct explainer. The man. A 30-year-old man. But when you figure that out, like, you turn. Yeah. It might be that you pick a weed one day and you make it taste like a new thing. A nib. Like a nib? Yeah. Like a candy. Like a licorice nib. Yeah. Yeah. That is a fun thing where we're just, like, walking down the road and Billy's like, try this one. We're just like, whoa. What flavor is this?

It tastes so good. It's pudding. Oh, Billy Wonka. My dreams. The day you figure that out, like, the day Billy does it for the first time, you're in one of those, like, mental, like, Professor X sort of Perel spaces where he's frozen everything else for a little bit. And he is so excited. Yeah. He, like, pulls a. You can see it in his short pants. Yeah. You can see how excited he is. They're quivering. Quivering short pants. But he pulls out a notebook and immediately starts writing it.

Like, this is incredible. Yeah. Even in my lifetime, I've never observed magic quite like this. So, so instinctual. So interesting. Yes. And then I let out a huge fart. And the time starts moving again. But as time is moving, he's, like, moving forward. He sighs a little bit when you fart, of course. And he gets down on one knee and he looks at you and he says, I am very proud of you, Billy. Thank you. And he disappears. Okay. That's nice. Yeah. And so we'll go to Tuck next.

Tuck, you have a new axe that has been basically created by three rock spirits that you had a very close, friendly bond with in the spirit world. Mm-hmm. Larry, Terry, and Chad. Yeah. When you came through with that axe, one Sweet Caroline, the orc mender, was like, that is extremely dope. Like, that is a very cool axe. Yeah. And. It looks. Because it was created in the spirit world. So it was created, like, partially from, like, my expectations and what was in my head when being created it.

Mm-hmm. And it is based on the artwork on an album cover. Oh, yeah. Okay. That makes sense. Which is why Sweet Caroline loved it so much. Yeah. Because Tuck and Caroline have very similar tastes in music. Yeah, totally. They're both into metal. Yeah. It was off the album. Uh. Uh. Uh. Roadhouse. It has a young Patrick Swayze on it in a monster truck. And he's holding. Back up. Back up. Fuck. Um. Yeah. It's. It's a Ferns in the Water album. Oh, yeah. Called Roadhouse. Yeah.

And it's a picture of Patrick Swayze on it. Um. Great. And, yeah. So Cartwin, as somebody that has a great deal of experience with the spirit world, was just stunned by this axe. Yeah. Yeah. Because, like, she's heard of spirits taking residence in items. But this, like, union of Ving's direction of the spirits and their, like, melding with a physical item is something that she hadn't seen before.

So over these few days, Tuck has a lot of time to sort of get to know this new weapon and how it interacts with the material world. And so, yeah. What has Tuck learned? So this is what it is. Okay. So I. The degree to which I know how to use this magic item is dependent on how good I am at communing with the spirits. Yeah. Totally. Which is something that I have no fucking clue how to do. So at the beginning, it's, like, a very rough tool.

It's just, like, I use it to, like, kind of stone spirit nature to smash other things that have stone or stone in them. Yeah. Very effectively. Yeah. That's awesome. And Ving's telling you to listen to the axe and you don't know what that means. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Yeah. And then later on, I can use it to, like, manipulate the other elements that are in the stone. Maybe to a degree that it's, like, the axe doesn't even have to, like, smash them. Yeah.

But it, like, it'll be, like, it'll give me, if I can commune through it with the other elements, it'll give me, like, an element of spirit talker or whatever world. Yeah. For sure. World, like, where you can, like. Communicate with spirits. Like, or manipulate other things. Totally. So. And then you find out that the axe is your father. Yeah. Cool. Yeah. That's great, then. And it's just a narrative thing. Yeah. Like, it's just, it's good at destroying stone. Yeah. I imagine it.

I imagine a scene where he's, like, trying to, like, figure out how to use it. And he keeps hurting himself because he's got so many sharp edges. Yeah. And I imagine, like, Ving would have to help. Like, Ving sees me in a clearing, like, trying to whip it all over the place. Yeah. Handle first, bud. And I'm like. Like, so I hold it by the handle instead of by the blade. Like an idiot. Okay. But, yeah. I imagine it would be, like, Ving.

That would be, like, this is how you kind of, like, clear your mind and commune with the spirits inside. Yeah. So, okay. So, there's a night where you're camped on the side of the road, sort of in a small copse of pine trees. And Mears has made a little campfire. And he's ripped open a bunch of ration packets. And you see he's got, like, some dried meats. And, like, vegetables and stuff like that. And he's cooking, like, on the campfire. And it seems like he's a pretty good cook, actually.

He's making this little meal. Thank God. He's got oils and spices and stuff that he, like, pulls out of a bag. Yeah. And he's just making this, like, really nice sort of rice with vegetables. And, Billy, I can see Jessica's eyes. She just whines into the mic. Like, what kind of spices are you talking? I'm just right over his shoulder. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, yeah. When's that going to be ready? It's like, oh, it should be. It should just be ready. Real quick.

But throughout the cooking process, he's, like, giving Billy a little bit here and there. He, like, cuts up an onion and, like, gives Billy some onion. And cuts up some dried beef and gives Billy some dried beef. And this is happening. Billy and Mears are cooking a meal together over the campfire. It's such a cute thing. Yeah. And just outside the cops, there's, like, a more open grassy area. And Tuck and Ving are out there with Tuck's new axe. Yeah. Shh. You hear that? I hear wind.

What else do you hear? I hear Billy eating. Listen inside your head. I hear guns and roses. I hear G and F and R. Yeah. I hear a sweet metal riff. The axe is trying to say things to you. And I can hear it in the music. Picture Larry, Terry, and Chad. Talk to them now. And I can't. I'm imagining them in my head as, like, the kind of, like, fused version of them. And I'm, like, trying to think things at them. But I can only hear, like, guitar riffs coming back at me. Just go with it.

Let the music go. Just go where it wants to go. That's the way that the axe is talking to you. So I pick up the axe. And I, like, listen to the music. And as, like, kind of the riff, like, extends up. Yeah. Yeah. Do it again. I, like, I take it and I, like, smash through, like, a rock that's protruding from the ground. And it, like, obliterates it. Yeah. It's just this huge, like, whoo. And it just explodes. It just explodes. It's into, like, chunks of rock and stone. Cool.

He's, like, that was easy. Yeah. That was great. I'm great at this. That was great. I don't need to learn anything else. And then Vic's, like, wait, wait. There's more. I'm, like, no. I don't need to know anything. This is so cool. Hey, Billy. I run off. I run off. I'm going to show Billy. I'm going to show him. Hey. I was sitting on that rock. Billy just goes rolling across the ground. I'm okay, but I lost all my food. I go and I scoop him up. And I take him over to Mir's. I'm, like.

We have to give Billy more food. I accidentally. Yeah. And Mir scoops out some more of whatever he was making. And you just have the rest of the night is, like, very nice. Yeah. And Ving, over this course of time, you have some time to reflect on your time in the spirit world and what that has done to you. So, how do you think this, like, extended stay in the spirit realm has affected Ving, who is, like, so connected to spirits and stuff like that, that it is, like, his whole life? Yeah.

Well, it is a rebirth. It is a death and a rebirth. So, he's changed. And that's part of the name dropping. And he's watching Billy, like, Tuck and Billy, like, romp around. And Tuck's, like, pretending to play guitar in his axe. And Billy's, like, eating hairs out of his beard. And you're, like, it tastes like spaghetti. And he's just, like, really there in the soft glow. And Mir's is mixing up his food. And he's. Just full of love and for the family. And he's. All that anger before from his.

What he was on a mission for. To get a bunch of money. To. He was. He was trying to. He was trying to raise. To get an army. A mercenary's army. Whoa. Whoa. He was trying to go after his dad. Whoa. Who is a high-ranking ranger. And. He was. He was trying to build an army. And he didn't know what that meant. Or how to do. Go about that. But he's feeling now. In this life. In this new life. He's feeling some of that anger go. And some of that attachment go. Which is why also he's feeling.

He has been feeling guilty about turning into the spirits. He's been feeling like. Like he can't manipulate. The spirit of things. And he feels really bad. He still has a. The. The. The look on the eagle's face. When he snubbed him. Mm-hmm. Uh. Um. And just everybody. He doesn't want to. Use. I don't know. Spirits anymore like that. Yeah. So. So how does. Like what does that mean for. Bing. Like does Bing not want to shapeshift anymore. I don't think he knows what that means right yet. Right.

Okay. Um. He knows that he can't. Make. Things. So he's going to have to try and find. Find a spirit that is willing to. Give and take. He needs to repair that relationship. Oh. So maybe it means that he doesn't just. Just chain into whatever he wants. But he will find. Uh. He will settle. Into a few different forms. Whoa. Okay. So has. Bing been spending time like. More. Like time sort of casting his mind. To the spirit world. To sort of. Connect.

Or is he trying to find something in the material plane? I think the thing is that he is trying to find. Yeah. Something more in the material plane. And he. He is. A part of him still walks in the spirit plane. Like he was. He was there for a long time. Also. This whole time. In the quiet. Moments. He's been. He's been contemplating. The crystals of his hands. Mm-hmm. And. I would like him to be able to manipulate that. And shape shift. Oh. Crystals as. What is it? Yeah. So. Over the.

The days that you've been traveling. Mm-hmm. At night. Yeah. He's just. Taking some time to meditate. And try and manipulate the crystals in his hands. And you do find a way to. Do like a low level. Of shape shifting. Mm-hmm. A more. Like specific method of shape shifting. So you can. Extend the crystals. Turning them into claws. Or you can make them take different shapes. That are useful. Mm-hmm. Uh. It hurts. Like knives of stabbing weapons. Yeah. Exactly. But it hurts. Quite a lot. Yeah.

Cause it's like. Integrated into your flesh. Gross. Um. It's not like you're turning your flesh. From one thing to the other. You're basically. Forcing these. Yeah. Shards. That are in your body. Uh. Into different like. Offensive shapes. Cool. Uh. Which is tight as hell. Snickety. Snickety. And so. Are you saying that. Ving is trying to find like. An animal. That would be willing to. Lend its shapes to him sometime. Or something like that. Yeah. Totally. I think it's moving from.

Like a shapeshifter. Of a bunch of different stuff. Into more of a spirit animal. Kind of situation. Okay. Spirit. So what do you mean? Can you elaborate? Just so I know. Oh. Just like. So it's something that's. Is his essence. And it's a give and take. And. Right. He lends something to this animal too. Maybe. I don't know. So it's like. Instead of just like. In it being. A casual. Spiritual relationship. Yeah. Where he kind of like. Like. Send missives. Later. You up. At like 2 a.m. Yeah.

And then. I need you for a fight. And then. And then you sneak out. The next morning. Of their. Of their spirit form. Yeah. This is one that you're going to move in. With. We're still open though. Yeah. No. I'm free. I'm free to see any spirits I want. Yeah. So it is a spirit. Just don't want to. It's a specific spirit. Is what we're talking about. Yeah. Okay. Sure. Well. Is that what you want? I don't. Yes. Of course. For now. The fuck I know what I want. Or is it like. Or is it like.

Now I get. Like you have access to the move. Animal companion. And you have like. I would love. To come upon an animal. And companion it. Okay. So. That is something we can do. Like we can. For Billy. He also wants. He's feeling. Yeah. Like Billy needs a bud. And a wicker's gone. I guess it could be like a thing. Where you like. Kind of like. Put a call out. And be like. Yeah. What answers it. Yeah. You're just waiting for a familiar to show up. I like that. Yeah.

I like that he's putting out these like. He's putting out these calls of. It's part of the meditation. So what do we think answers? I don't know yet. Don't know yet. No. Nothing yet. Nothing yet. All right. No. It's going to take a bit. We'll talk about this later. So just every night. There's these like spiritual waves going out. Out of his crystal things. Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh I like that. Cool as hell. Smashes them against the axe. Uses the axe. Does it become the sort of thing where.

Now that Ving is putting out this nightly call. To whatever animal. Wants to join forces. Like every time a deer wanders into a clearing. Yeah. Ving just makes eye contact. Like. Yeah. Does it you? Yeah. Yeah. I like it. It's like he wants it too bad. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's why it's not going to happen now. Yeah. He's looking for love in all the places. Yeah. You know like when you're single. And you walk into a bar. And you're like. Which one of these ladies is going to be my wife?

Yeah. Yeah. But in the world of animals. Yeah. Wherever he goes. Every living thing. Yeah. Great. So yeah. That's sort of where Ving's at. Is he's learned to manipulate the crystals in his hands. Into weapons. Which is some cool ass Wolverine stuff. And he's also put out the call to an animal. Rad. Okay. That's great. I'm very interested to see where that goes. And so it's on this like fifth. Sixth day of traveling. After you've all sort of made these pretty huge revelations.

That you start seeing. The clouds on the horizon. Getting darker. And the sky is just getting. More intimidating. As it just becomes this like dark storm gray. And every morning now. Mirrors is looking up like. Oh man. The rains can happen at any time. We should put the tarp on the wagon today. Like he's being a real. Wet blanket. Worry wart. Yeah. Yeah. So at this point. I'm going to ask you all to make an. Undertake a perilous journey role. We're in the. Kind of on the border of the firefield.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's 2d6 plus wisdom. And you pick. Remember you. The three of you pick a role. Pathfinder. Trailblazer. Quartermaster. I'll do trailblazer. Okay. I'll be quartermaster. What's the other one? The scout. Yeah. I'll take that. All right. Whoa. I got 11. Holy hell. Wow. Whoa. 10. Five. Five. What was. What was yours again? Oh, six. Sorry. I got it. No. No. Six is still a failure. I know. I mean, I got the math right. Eventually. Yeah.

So take a point of experience from failing. And you were quartermaster. Yeah. So we all starved to death. Yeah. Everybody starves. It's weird that mirrors isn't doing all of these. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. I start like sitting in the back eating crackers. Yeah. This is his job. Pick up the slack, mirrors. Yeah. Mirrors is driving the wagon. Francis is driving the wagon. Yeah. Mirrors hasn't done much in the last. Other than cook. He's been cooking a lot. I got saffron. Fuck. Who cares? Yeah.

I care. That is what he's doing. Mirrors. Like. We're. Walking alongside the cart. And we see like. A fucking. Mountain of clouds in the sky up here. Like. Out of nowhere. We're like. Holy shit. And mirrors is like. Out in a fucking glade. Picking saffron. For dinner. You almost never find this in the wild. Yeah. So we cut to mirrors. While we're staring down the storm. And what does he do? He's. Yeah. He's picking. He's under a tree. Picking saffron. Like. Wow. You never find this.

Especially this time of year. And he's like. Shoving it into a little pouch that he has. And the pouch is like. Hanging off. The strings are hanging off. One of his. Like. Off his hook hand. And he's just shoving saffron into it. He's like. Oh. This is. You're gonna love this. He's talking to himself. Well. He's. Yeah. Cause he's not close by. Yeah. No. He's saying. You're gonna love this. Mirrors. And he turns around. He goes. You're gonna love this. Everybody. And. And he's telling himself.

He's like. This is. Mirrors is lucky day. Yeah. It's. What else is he saying? Or singing to himself? Yeah. Yeah. Pie. Yeah. Yeah. Music. Pie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Pie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's what the quartermaster failure is. Is. Cause. Scout. Succeeded. Unmitigated. What does a scout do? So a scout is. So on a 10 plus. You get the drop. On any potential threats. So Billy's a good scout. Cause he's what?

Cause he's got his hands up to his face. Like he's. Looking through binoculars. I'm scouting. He brings his. He brings his hands down. And there's like black circles. Cause we. Vig and I as a prank. Just put. We noticed that he's doing that. Put charcoal on his. So we put charcoal on his index finger and thumb. He'll look like a robber. So now he looks like an actual raccoon. Yeah. And the trailblazer. Reduces the amount of time to reach the destination. Okay. Which is great. But quartermaster.

With a failure. Means that. That you use up way more food. Than you were supposed to. And it's because. Mears gets so excited. About a saffron. That every night. He's cooking way more. Than he should be. So it's just like. Every day you're going. Through the food. Like this. Can't be right. And you realize. That Mears is used up. Like a week's worth of food. Like in the last three days. Everything's jumbled up. But it's been. It's been six days. Right. Yeah. But in the last three days.

Since he found the paella. Like over. And the rains have started. The paella. Yeah. Yeah. He made a paella. Because he found like. That there was some dried seafood. Well he's like. I had to make a paella. I brought a paella pan. Yeah. And I opened the. The dried shrimp. And we had to cook all of it. Because the paella. I can't. I knew the proportions. For a big thing of paella. I didn't know how to like. Change the fractions. To make it a smaller portion. So I had to cook all of it.

I am so supportive of it. And Billy. Is manipulating him. Oh. This is your fault. Yeah. Billy's looking at a pile of shrimp. Like. I don't think that's going to be enough. You should put another andouille in there. Yeah. Yeah. What's. What's Billy been doing to mirrors? Yeah. He's been opening all the shrimp bags. And he's like. Look. I found. More. And that I've been mysteriously opened. I think. It's Francis. Billy's using Francis as a fall guy. Well. Billy chatted with Francis. And he's like.

I'll take the heat. If anything serious happens. But I gotta have like. Some sort of. Scalpel. Heat coat. And Francis is not responding. To any of this. Francis is just chewing on a mouthful of grass. Like. Francis looks me in the eyes. And I assume. That means he agrees. And I'm like. We're in this together. My friend. And I put out my fist. For a fist bump. And. He doesn't do anything. It just bumps into his snout. Yeah. Big woolly snout. Yeah. And he gives a. Yeah. Woohoo.

I also think it makes sense. Because usually Ving's in charge. Because he's like. A forger dude. Yeah. But he's just been. Looking at his hands for days. And looking at. Like all the. All the bugs and birds around. He's very distracted. Yeah. Like. It's kind of like. We're all fucking with Mears. Yeah. That's true. The result is that. We ran out of food. Yeah. Mears' big first. Like solo mission. And he's already fucking it up. And you're helping him. Fuck it up. Yeah. Yeah. Great.

So that's been happening. And the rain started. A couple days ago. But it was pretty light. Like. Tuck your. Keeping an eye on things. To the point where. Shockingly. In between. Fucking with Mears. You're keeping things. Pretty well on track. And. You. You're like. Making good time. So. You have. Gone pretty deep. Into the fire fields. Like you're a few days. Into the territory. And the forests have gotten really dense. And the rain's been really light. So you haven't been like. Trapped.

In the rain yet. But you realize that you're. Really running out of food. Like you realize that this is not. A great. Time. So you have some time to figure out. What you want to do. Before it gets really bad. Yeah. Yeah. And part of the reason. Why. We've made such good time. Is because. Every. Every once in a while. I'll put. Francis on my back. And I'll pull the cart. Francis is easily. A thousand pounds. Wow. I'm strong. Whoa. How much do you think. Tuck can lift? Two thousand pounds. Yeah.

Okay. Well there we go. How much does Tuck weigh? We've said three hundred. But I realize that's seven feet tall. And is like comically large. As Tuck is three. Seven feet tall. Like five feet wide. Yeah. Three hundred is way too light. Yeah. He definitely weighs. Like seven hundred pounds. Oh my god. What a monster person. Yeah. Um. Yeah. How do you even fit. In the shitty cart. That you have? You don't. I kind of just walk. Beside it. And I drag it. Some of the time. That's true.

And Francis happily walks. Along beside you. While you're doing that. And sometimes I. Yeah. It's the. We're all having conversations. With this pig. Where I'm just like. Hey are you tired? And I take that. As tacit. Agreement. That he's tired. We're all putting a lot. Into this pig. Like. We're all having. Into this weird. Huge hippo pig. We. So here's the thing. Is we all. Have all just gone through. A really fucked up situation. And we're using the pig. As a therapist. Basically.

Where we're talking. At him. And then. He's just grunting. Back at us. And we're just like. I never thought about it. Like that before. You're so wise. Wise beyond your years. And then we try. And pay him back. By being like. You know. Like. Well. I'll take over for a bit. Because you've been so helpful. And then he's getting in. And eating a bunch of shrimp. He is. Because I'm feeding it to him. And also. I sneak him. Lots of bowls of paella. We have been. Wasting food. Yeah. That. Like. Crazy.

The failure is that. None of you had the good. Fucking sense. To use the food. That you had. Wisely. Even Mears. Who's like. On the clock. Like this is a job. Yeah. And Mears was just like. No. I'm going to just stretch. My culinary muscles. Yeah. Yeah. We're all implicit. He's trying to impress us. Yeah. Well. You've all been very impressed. With like. You know what? This might be a good opportunity. For you to. Like all the characters. To have a discussion. About what you want to do.

Because you realize. That like. You're running out of food. And you sort of get to. You know. Like the. The. The area. When you get into. Goldstream Park. And it's like. Mulchy earth. And there's like. Trees on the edge. But it's kind of wide. But you're still in the woods. You get to a thing like that. And there's a small. There's a small lake. In the trees. And. Tuck has been pulling the wagon. For. For a few hours. And Francis sees the lake. And goes like. And just. Wades. Into the water.

And you realize. That obviously like. Being a weird. Hippo pig thing. This is what Francis is like. Made to do. So. Francis. Wades into the water. And starts like. Floating around. Like a hippo. Like. Eyes just above the water. Bubbles coming out. And just like. Eating. Sea. Grasses. And stuff like that. Having a grand old time. Wow. Do we have to pay for parking? No. It's free. It's the off season. So it's not like. Goldstream Park then? It's monsoon season. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

And it's raining pretty good. But like. A comfortable amount. There's like. Mountains in the distance. And Francis is waiting around. And Ving. You've realized that the food. Has reached like. A critical mass. Like there's not enough. To keep going. Because Mears says that it's still. Like probably two days. To the vault. If he's reading. The maps correctly. Which he might not be. It's really up in the air. Mears is like. They made me like. The weird thing about the Menders.

Is they don't really like. To write stuff down. So Maggie kind of. Drilled me on this. And he's been using the maps. As tamale wrappers. He's just like. Well you just got it. The ink in the. In the. In the map. Really. Really. Lends it a flavor. But yeah. He's like. I'm pretty sure. That I remember where it is. And I'm pretty sure. It'll take like. Two or three more days. Holy shit. All right. Let's see. Let's scout this out. Throw me up a tree. Somebody. He also has a map. I pick him up.

And I'm like. And I. Just chuck me. I like. I. Identify the tallest tree. And I like. Underhand. Easy lob. Up there. So you can like. Perch. And Billy. You see. You land. A good distance. Up this tree. You're looking out over. Like around the edge. Of this lake. With your binocular hands. And. And. You're like. Are you doing it again? I can see so well. I can see so far. You guys. Oh my God. It's so beautiful. I can see the ocean. From here. Billy can see the ocean. Whoa. I.

I can't smell it though. I can see it. It's so blue. Oh yeah. So we've talked about. How the. The fire fields are to the west. Which means their coast. Like it has a coastline. And the coast. Is the sea of graves. Oh. So. Far. Far. Far in the distance. Billy. Can see. Small. Shapes. Wow. Individually spaced. In this far off ocean. The pillars. Yeah. In the sea of graves. Really? Yeah. Okay. Fine. All I see is a coastline. And some. A rocky. Building. Looking thing. But like really far away.

That's impressive. For this. For this boy. Yeah. It's because of his binoculars. But. Because he's fundamentally. Warping. The nature of reality. Around him. Um. Yeah. Maybe his hands actually do kind of. Yes. I think that's. It is. It is. Absolutely. Like when Billy. Because it's. Because Billy's a child. Yeah. So when he plays. He's like. Oh. This. Games become real. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty fun. And it's like a minor enough thing. That it just makes him see like. A little bit better.

And we were always making fun of him for. Yeah. He said he could see the sea of graves. Oh shit. There they are. Oh fuck. He was right. Yeah. And there's gotta be a moment when he's like. No. Seriously. Look. And then he lifts his hands. This works. Oh my god. And then our eyes are. Got black rings really. And he's like. Motherfuckers. Gotcha. So as the scout though. Billy sees any trouble. Quick enough. To let everybody know. Before it's a problem. So what does.

Do you think Billy sees something. Sort of in the trees. In the trees. Yeah. Any potential trouble. Or is it like. The storm is coming. Like the monsoon's about to get really bad. He sees. A big pillar of smoke. Oh. Yeah. Could be good. Could be bad. Yeah. So yeah. You know. You don't have a lot of food. But sort of. On the other side of the like. Like far away. Like down the coast of the lake. You see. A pillar of smoke. Rising up out of the trees. Well it's. To the smoke. Head over there.

Yeah. Okay. And then so you. You just like. Call Francis back out of the lake. Yeah. And head off to the smoke. That's on you. Oh Francis. Darling. We're going. There's smoke up ahead. Francis. Right. And you could talk. To fucking animals. Can't you? I can fucking talk to animals. What does Francis sound like? Yeah. Francis is like. Coming. Darling. Yeah. Francis is like. Right away. I'll be up in just a moment. There's a particularly. Dense batch of grass. Here. I'd like to consume first.

Good boy. Yes you are. Very good boy. Aren't you Francis? Thank you old sport. Thank you. And then. Head dips under the water. You're like. I guess I start pulling the cart. Yeah. And then. And then. Yeah. Francis does follow. Eventually. And you head off into the woods. And you. Find a trail. That leads you. To. A gap in the trees. And you see that. Trees here and there. Are cut down. In the woods. And you hear like. Banging sounds. And smoke. And voices. And the. The trees part. A tiny bit.

On the trail. And there's like. A nice wooden. Gate. Sort of thing. It's not. It's like a. Like a gate with no door. I don't. Are those still called gates? It's like a. A trellis. Yeah. Kind of. Like a ranch. It's like. A log on either side of the trail. That goes up about like. Eight feet. And then a log across the top. That's been. Sanded down in one spot. And carved into the wood. It says pine wood. And behind. There's a collection of buildings. And there are. This is. There's a.

There's a village here. Hey guys. It's a logging town. Yeah. Hey guys. It's called pine wood. Nice. And so you enter the village of pine wood. And people sort of look at you. With. Trepidation. As they see. This like. Like. Massive. Man. With a huge. Scary. Magic. Looking axe. On his back. A weird. Wild haired. Elf. Looking dude. With some. Crystal claws. And a tiny boy. His face just. Covered. In charcoal. Riding. We've been. We've been doing this gag. For a week. Yeah. And it's just.

And Billy has not. Washed. Every time. He falls asleep. We take more charcoal. From the fire. And we put it all over his leg. And it's been. Starting to. We're starting to get concerned. Like. Does he. Never look at his hands? It's like. Yeah. At this point. We're like. How has he not. Fucking realized. It's like a research project. That he is. Basically in black face. No. No. But it has. It has. Like. Without his consent. It's. It's been raining though. But he hasn't washed. So it is like.

Streaky. Like. He looks crazy. Looks like Heath Ledger. Keeps getting in my eyes. And I wipe it. But just like. Puts more charcoal on there. Yeah. And. There's this like. Gangly teen. With a sword. And a hook. And a cloak. And. And paella pans. And stuff. Yeah. He looks like. Fucking Samwise Gamgee. I'm realizing. Like his. His pack is mostly. Cooking utensils. And also Guy Fieri. Yeah. Totally. He's got like. Bleach blonde hair. We've never. From this side. We've never established.

What color hair he has. Bleach blonde. Crazy spiky hair. Okay. Yeah. He's got. But he's got. Super saiyan. Yeah. And it's like. He might style it. But that also just might be. What his hair looks like. Yeah. Like he can't get it. To stay down. And then this. Massive woolly pig. Wanders in. The village behind it. With spots. And people. They see this like. Crazy. Group of people. Come into town. And everybody's like. Talking excitedly. They're like. Oh wow. Oh wow. They're here.

What do they sound like? Oh man. Let's do a new weird voice. Oh. A new accent. New accent. Yeah. Hello there. We've already done the British. No. I'm. Billy's doing. So you're just on the side. Like. Hello. Yeah. I want to make a good impression. Yeah. Totally. Hello there. What. What is your name sir? Tuck and I are like. Wow. Billy. That was amazing. Thank you. We do like. Small applause. In the background. Because. He's like our son. We're giving him. As much positive reinforcement.

For everything he does. Nice job. Like way too much. Yeah. He's going to be a problem. And. Child. He. Somebody. Like. So Billy says. What's your name sir? And this guy. He's got like. Mutton chops. That go into a big mustache. And it's like red. Like red mustache. Into big sideburn mutton chops. And. And big shaggy red hair. He's like a pretty strapping. Tan skinned. Kind of guy. And he runs up. And he's like. Oh. Thank the forester. You've arrived. Ha. You must have. You must. You must. And.

Like people are gathering up. Behind this guy. And he's like. My name's Merbo. What? Sorry. What? Merbo. Huh? M. Y. R. B. U. So just one R? Just the one R. Uh. Tuck is genuinely laughing. At this guy's accent. And he's like. Oh. We've been waiting. Weeks and weeks. For somebody to finally. Answer our notice. We called for warriors. And warriors have arrived. Where? I mean. Oh. Uh. Where? Why is Billy doing this? He's trying to impress them. I. At this point. Oh. Like. Vic and I have to like.

Be like. Okay. Like. It's one thing to do. An accent. To try and impress somebody. But trying to. Like. Do someone else's accent. While they're there. It's a little rude. It's kind of. Billy is so embarrassed. And. And. As you're talking about this. Murbels are like. Oh. I do not mind. This is. This is an auspicious day. For the town of Finewood. And he turns around. And he says. Our problems. Are finally over. And everybody cheers. And mirrors. Looks at all of you. And he's like. I don't think.

This is in the schedule. And that's where we're going to end it for this week. I have been your game master. Sean O'Hara. With me. As always. Play. Tacoma Dome. The Barbarian. Abdul Aziz. Goodbye. Everybody. Playing Ving. The Half Elf Druid. Paul Oppers. See you. Playing Fat Billy. The Halfling Thief. Jessica Tai. See you everybody. Sorry for the accent. I am not sorry for the accent. That's going to be a lot of fun for me. Yeah. That's funny. Thank you to Mark and MP.

For letting us come back to their house. Even though nobody's here. And record. And thanks to Wes and Abdul. For making all of the technical stuff happen. Thank you. And thanks to Aaron Reed. For our amazing intro and outro music. Thank you to you for listening. And everybody on Twitter and stuff. That sends us fan art. If you like weird fun drawings. Of Spout Lore stuff. Just follow us on Twitter. At Spout Lore. Or join the Spout Lore fan group. Yeah. There's a fan group. On Facebook.

That I apparently joined at some point. So I very vainly joined the fan group. For my own podcast. I thought we had to join. Well we're all part of the fan group. Well actually. I have not joined the fan group. You made the fan group. No I didn't. I have not joined. But I do creep it a lot. Well I'm a part of the fucking fan group. It's really gratifying. To see all of like. Yeah. Everything that the fans have done. It's pretty great. Yeah. Check us out on social media.

Give us a review on iTunes. If you feel like it. And we'll see you next time. Bye bye. And so ends the tale of adventures three. Who tried their best they can. Though dumb. And scared. And lost they be. For time's abreast in revelry. And though our journey may be like a conclusion. We will not leave you without a resolution. Return next week to hear some more. Whilst you commute. Or do you. Your chores. And for you. I gladly. Spelt.

Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers have health, he shifts his shape, and wields a spear with great might Billy's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends, and listen close For the tale's about to start Hi everybody, welcome back to Spout Lore I'm your Game Master, Sean O'Hare And with me today is Abdulaziz Hello everybody, I play Tacoma Dope And he is still hungry Fuck!

You had two sheets that you could have read and taken your time But you chose instead to not It is on the sheet! It is And Jessica Tai Hello everybody, I am Jessica and I play Fat Billy And I, Jessica, still have bronchitis This is the same night as we recorded last time And Fat Billy still does not have bronchitis Uh, he, um… Ow Great, wonderful Just read one thing And they already know! Hey guys, I have a wisdom of plus one There we go Bet you didn't think about that You idiots! You idiots!

Uh… Paul Oppers Hi, I'm playing Ving The druid half-elf human guy Who needs everyone to hold his power And is hung like a zebra What the fuck are you talking about? Sean, you made us do this Is this on… Whatever Is… Was everyone… Is that on there? How do you spell zebra? Does… Is… Needs everyone to hold his power his new bond? Yeah, there's a bond Oh, cool Yeah, he… I don't know when…

Like when something's extreme I think I added that when, uh, Abdul helped him with that fire mishap Oh, cool So big, big, big stuff He really needs the… The family all involved It's a family tie Holding hands Cool Just like that one scene In… Uh… Guardians of the Galaxy? Yes Oh, yeah Yeah So, uh, the family ends up being the solution?

Yeah When we last left our heroes, they had encountered yet again Mender Maggie Cole, formerly known as the gangster muckraker Sweet Caroline the orc, also Mender Cartwin St. Ange, also Mender And, uh, Mears Falsmith, brand new Mender Uh, he's got a sword now, and he is psyched about it You had reunited and sort of given the Menders the rundown on what happened? What happened between Mudlark and now?

And seemingly against her better judgment, but for reasons her own, uh, Maggie Cole has agreed to allow you to remain in possession of Perel's Wardstone box, uh, and deliver it to the vault, which is where? What? Where is the vault? I thought you told us No, I was wondering that last time We didn't know No, we never know Yeah, we haven't actually discussed it Do we think it's in another principality? Firefields… Yeah? Firefields Principality?

I don't know, we haven't done that one What are the other ones? Uh, well, Paul came up with the Firefields Principality, which is sort of a west coast Pacific Ocean, like, volcanic area What's up? And that, I think we've talked about, is where Vertgrass is Oh! The hometown of Etienne Boggins Summertime vacation Uh, so yeah, the Firefields Principality, and then the other two I left up to you, Jessica, and you, Wes, but we never sort of got around to it Well then, let's go! To the Firefields!

Okay, yeah, let's go to the Firefields! Alright, so, uh, and Maggie has left you in the care of brand new Mender, Merus Foulsmith, who has been inducted into the Menders and taught their ways and given the information Pro- you guys will probably need at least a night, because you realize you are extremely hungry Yeah, should I reload up all my HP?

Yeah, you should reload up all your HP, yeah, you should reload up all your HP, yeah, you should reload up all your HP You can do some commodities and stuff Um, yeah, I will say that you spend a night at Cartwin's Apartments, sort of on bedrolls, resting up, so all your hitpoints back up to normal Ving, you and I talked about how Ving's crystal hand affliction is gonna give you an sort of ongoing debility to your dexterity, so your dexterity is functionally zero, your modifiers is basically zero right now until you find a way to heal your hands of this crystal Infector.

To heal your hands of this crystal infection. Is Cartoon a healer at all? She is, technically. Yeah. Can you do anything with this mess? She spends a while looking at your hands and sort of inspecting them and rubbing them with various oils. Just take a picture, lady. Yeah, Cartoon has some fucking repressed sexual whatever. Oh, my fucking God. It's for sure she's horny for Shathane. I mean, whatever. I miss that dick. You know, I was him for a second there.

I was in the spirit world for what felt like forever. Yeah, it was a long time. Yeah, it felt like 69 months. She shakes her head. She says, I… We, Billy and Tuck, are watching this from the other side of the room and like… Quietly high five what he says. Can Tuck be doing six with his fingers and Billy's doing nine? Yeah. Tuck has to… I've been in there for… And then Ving looks over. 69. Tuck has to what? Tuck has to adjust my fingers to make sure I'm holding a nine.

He hasn't learned how to count. Dismany. Beautiful. You're making jokes and she's like, Shathane was a dear friend of mine and… I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't fully understand what happened to him and I don't know if I will, but… I can tell you a little bit about it if you want to know. Yeah. I would love to know. Yeah. He stayed behind.

He needed to… Find the woman that he loved. The only woman that he ever loved. And he said that he thinks that he can help her on the inside and he was doing it for… His child? She gives you that sort of like quiet… Rueful like laugh and shake of the head. She says, well, maybe he'll find what he needs this time.

Anyways, I've taken a good look at what's going on here and I've applied every sort of expertise and experience I have to what's going on with your hands here, but I don't think I can help you. I'm sorry. Do you know anybody that might? Have you ever seen anything like this? I haven't. I've seen people afflicted by spirits before. But I don't know what happened here. Maybe you being a shapeshifter the way you are, the way that the spirits interacted with your physical body in the spirit realm.

It's just outside my sphere of experience. What about that Master Boda guy? Oh. Would he know? Would he know anything about this? Master Boda? Yeah, he's a druid that I learned from. Where is he? I wish I knew, but… He's probably taking a too long shower, you know, the way Master Boda does. It doesn't even sound like masturbation. Are you kidding me? It sounds exactly like masturbator. How old are you? Whatever. Master Boda. Master Boda. Language, Billy.

She says, I met him on a mountainside outside the principalities 40 years ago, 50 years ago. In the… In the firefields? No, closer to the… Closer to the Great Forest. So, if you can track him down there sometime, I don't know, maybe he can help or… I don't know, maybe they'll fall off. I don't know. Jesus. Thank you. Thanks. What the fuck? Your bedside manner is crazy. I say this from across the room. I'm not a doctor. No, you're not. I'm a painter. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Get off my back.

Get off my back. This is terrible. We shouldn't be asking for medical advice. Thank you for realizing that. We forgot what you were. We were in the spirit world for an indeterminate amount of time. And also, Ving has never met you. Great, great, great. Hi, I'm Ving. Hi, Cartwin. Nice to meet you. Cartwin St. Onge. Nice to meet you. Sorry, what was your last name? St. Onge. Oh, enchanté. Oh, okay. And she says, you know what? Get some rest.

And I, when, while this exchange is happening, I lean over to Billy and I'm like, I love watching Ving talk to women because it's like watching a fucking train wreck. Train wreck. Train wreck is a band. A band. That literally one of their members dies every time they perform. Oh, my God. Why do they still perform? It's for the love of the music and also because they hate some of their band members. Wow. I don't even know what time of day it is. Because the environment wasn't set up.

It was just like, you guys stayed over. I'm like, but what time is it? You can't tell in a mall. It's like a casino. I guess so. That's a good point. Yeah. When you came to, you saw through the like hole in the wall. Hole in the wall. Because there was, there's windows above, there's like a glass ceiling above that the light was, oh, come on, guys. The way the light was filtering through, you assumed it was about, or it was around like late afternoon.

And as you talked, the light grew dimmer and it's now nighttime. Is it dark? Yes. So you guys are looking at your hands and we're trying to sleep over here. We are in sleeping bags watching this happen. Still in Cartman's apartment. Yeah, absolutely. We are. We're sleeping in the granite cart. Smash everything. There's like a fire in the middle that I built out of her broken wicker furniture. Which she put out immediately. Yeah, wicker burns so fast.

It's actually, the hole in the wall is- Is it repaired with the armoire he destroyed? I should say, yeah, the armoire got wrecked for sure, but the apartment's a lot cleaner than you remember it being when you went in. How long were we down for? That's a good question. Do you ask somebody about that? Yeah, we yell it from across the room. Yeah. Hey, we're just wondering, hey, we're over here watching your flirtatious interaction. Flirtatious?

And we were wondering, how long were we in the spirit world for? It's been three months. What? No! Yeah. What? Did it feel like more or less? It felt a lot less. So yeah, Cartman says, yeah, it's been three months since we put you under. Whoa. Yeah. How long have I been dead for? You were dead for like a week before that. Anyway, can I get you anything? Yeah. Billy covers his eyes. What are you doing? Pointing at my peen. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go to my room. So crude.

And I'm gonna close the door. Can I roll for a peen look? No. Yes! Okay. So Cartman gets up, and she goes to her room, and she closes her door very pointedly, and Tuck, Billy, and Ving, you're left in the main room of Cartman's apartment to go to sleep for the night. What? This was a sleepover for everyone? Yeah, Mears also sleeps in the apartment.

Maggie and Carolyn go somewhere else, but everybody's there in the morning to sort of see you off, and Maggie comes up to the, the three of you, and Mears, and says, okay, so it's 10 days to the vault. It should only take you 10 days to get there. Okay. Walking, camping, walking, camping, maybe stopping in a town to resupply, and then continuing on. Yes, Billy. I have a question. I walk very slow. Can we double this to 20 days or 30 days? Because my, my legs are very short. Oh, my God. Please.

Maybe we can get you a cart. How about that? No, I need the exercise. Okay. Let's call it 20 days. 20 days. Not bad. That's pretty good. Way to go, Billy. I'll speed walk. And we get five gold a day, you were saying? I have given Mears a small amount of money to cover some expenses. Some? Yes. She hefts up a bag. She says, this has enough food. Once she thinks, 20 days. 20 days. And she puts down that bag and grabs another bag and shovels some more like packets into it.

She's like, now this has enough food for 20 days for the four of you, three of you. You don't eat, right? I don't need to eat. Spectacular. Those Lunchables? This is enough food to get you to the vault. And then from there, you can resupply if necessary. If after 20 days, I do not hear that that box is in that vault, I don't need to eat. I will come for you. Billy, yes, again. I think there's just a lot of questions that aren't being answered. Like, what? Are they Lunchables?

I would say that, yes, there are ones specifically for lunch, but they're all for the same meal. And so, sort of depends on when you eat them. Is there anything special we need to do at the vault? Is there anything we need to do a special to show them? Are they expecting us? They are expecting you. They've been expecting you for three and a half months. Well, that delay of three months was mostly Cartwin's fault. Cartwin goes, you fucked up the spirit thing. It took a lot of time.

And we're not going to do that. And we're not going to do that. And we're not going to do that. No blame is being assigned. You literally just assigned blame to me. It's true. Listen, what he means is we aren't mad at you, but it's your fault. Cartwin says, I'm not even going to begin to explain why it… She stops talking. She just looks so exhausted. You look tired. Maggie turns to Mears and says, Mears, I'm sure that you can already see all of the ways that this can go wrong.

I am counting on you to attempt to wrangle these three in any way necessary. His eyes are wide, but he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll do whatever I can. I got it. And he salutes. You know the way to the vault? Oh, I do. I know the way to all the vaults. Let's get the hell out of here. Yeah, let's go. Yeah. And Maggie takes… Makes one last look at Caroline standing behind her imposingly, arms crossed. Says, don't screw this up. Billy, yes, one more time. Can I say goodbye to Wicker?

And you see her resolve like break a little bit as she kind of goes like, oh. Because he can't come with us. Wicker runs to you. Yes, you can say goodbye. Wicker? And I put my face in his fur or her fur. Was that my voice? No, that was Paul making a cat noise. I don't know. I have to be strong, Wicker. But you have been my friend and I love you and I miss you. And Wicker nuzzles your face. I nuzzle Wicker's face. And I wipe my tears on his face. On her face. Her face. On her face.

Ed, gender's a person thing. Who knows? A cat doesn't really care. Billy doesn't know anything about gender. Yeah. Ed, I love you. I think I said it already. Do you love me? Ving says, she says she loves you too, Bonnie. Thank you. And she believes in you and she knows that you will do the right thing when the time comes. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I'll never forget you. And she says, you won't have to. Wicker hands you a compass rose. Hands? Hands.

Yeah, paws you. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Wait, am I the only one using my imagination here? So yeah, you see that classic thing where like in 90s shows there was like a paw on a stick that they would use whenever a dog would do something crazy? Yeah. Yeah. It's like moving around. It's that. It's like a cat's paw on a stick. It's totally fucking stiff. You can see the Velcro with a piece of rose on it. Yeah, there's a fucking compass rose glued to it. Follow this.

And then it just touches Billy's face. Take this compass rose. Ving tells you. Really? So now you have a compass rose. Yeah. So Ving is saying Wicker wants you to take a rose? Yeah, take the compass rose and follow this rose. It'll lead you to where you need to go. Oh, okay. Oh, that's pretty nice. Actually, Wicker cannot pick things. Wicker is a cat. I just want to be clear. Wicker nudges a compass rose with his goddamn schnoz towards Billy. The fuck? Oh, you people. Rocks turned into an axe.

Yeah, Sean, you really ruined a moment here. Oh, fuck. It's nice. There was a fish horse for a while there. It's nice, but it can be nice and make sense. No. It made sense before. Okay. Wicker hands me a rose. With his nose. With his nose. With his nose. With his nose. With his nose. With his nose. In her teeth. In her teeth. Wicker hops down from the couch that she's been sitting on. She runs out outside of the door of Cartwin's apartment. Wicker.

And she comes back padding back in with a compass rose in her mouth. And she walks up to Billy and she drops it at his feet. What do I do with it? And she meows. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. She says, follow this rose. It'll lead you to where you need to go. And if you keep this with you, she says that she will always be able to come back to you. I love you, Wicker. And I give her another hug. And I put the rose in my pouch with my blanket. And you all leave.

Well, as we're walking away from Cartwin's apartment, I'm talking to Billy. I'm like, that's really nice that he gave you that gift. Yeah. Should I give her something? You don't have to. What do I do? Nothing. That's just nice. Yeah, it is. Yeah. She gave me a gift, too. What? She left a dead mouse in my sleeping bag. She'll be able to find you, too. And before you well and truly leave the High Spear Mall, is there anything that you want to do? I have a couple of things.

A couple of things I need to finish up before we leave. Okay. What is the first one? I'm going to go to the Spearmint B&B. Okay. To find Dan. Uh-huh. Spearmint is a nice, cozy little B&B. Not unlike a Holiday Inn. Not that cozy. Pretty shitty, actually. But it's very standard. Nothing like a Holiday Inn. In your travels, Billy, you haven't really traveled all that much. But Ving and Tuck, you've seen a ton of Spearmint B&Bs. It's definitely a chain owned by one family.

And their thing was like, we're going to put a bunch of B&Bs in every goddamn city. In the world. And they did it. And they're… They did it. Certainly. Oh. Everywhere. That's their slogan is Spearmint B&B. Certainly everywhere. Yeah. So you go to the Spearmint B&B and you ask for Colonel Dan Fossey. And I go up to the guy at the counter. I'm like, hey. And then I look at his name tag. Oh, fuck. Don't do this to me. Sir, what's your name? Torg. Hey, you. Torg. Look at me. Torg. Torg. Torg.

Torg. Torg. Torg. Torg. Torg. Torg. I am looking at you. I came in at this pretty hot. Yes, you certainly did. Let's start it again. And I shuffle back. I shuffle back around the corner. Pretend you're wearing a tie. And then I come back out. I'm like, hello, sir. Hello. Okay, I'm going to try that one more time. I'm like, hi. Hello. Torg. Yes. I'm looking for a friend of mine. What's their name? Dan. Either Colonel Dan or Dan Fossey or Dan Derglot. Dan.

He looks at a sheet of paper he has in front of him. Room 4-1. Then he goes back to reading whatever book he was reading. What book is he reading? I notice he's reading a book. What are you reading? I'm about to walk away and I see the book and I shuffle back. I'm like, what book are you reading? He's kind of embarrassed and he turns away. He says, nothing. No, tell me. Don't be shy, Torg. It's a book. It's just a book. Come on. It's a normal book. It's a normal book. What is the title?

Love and Lust. Oh, can I see the cover? No. Billy. What? You're a child. Can I see the cover? Yeah, can we see the cover? Then Ving and I shuffle behind the camera. We squeeze back there. No, I go over the counter. Climb right over. He's kind of sheepish, but he turns the cover to you. It's a book. It's a book. It's a book. It's a book. It's a book. It's a book. It's a book. It's a book. It's a book. It's like a buff knight, but he doesn't have a chest plate. It's just bare chested.

But he's wearing all the rest of the armor? And he's got his arm around another knight who also doesn't have a chest piece. Oh, sick. Guys, what does it look like? It's two daddies hugging. Yeah. Wow. And they've just built a tent. Oh, is it a nice tent? Yeah. Yeah. It's wildly larger than you would think is humanly possible. Cool. When you are done with this book, may I borrow it? Sure. We'll finish it quick because we're going to grab it on the way out. Good luck, room 4-1. Okay.

We go up to 4-1. Ving goes, good for you. Goes upstairs. He goes upstairs. Torg looks around like, what? There's no stigma against homosexuality in this world. No, honestly, this is a show for escapism. Stuff's cool. Everybody's cool. It's the best. So you go up to room 4-1 and knock on the door, I guess? Yeah, I do. And you hear, just a second, just a second. Housekeeping. Housekeeping. You see the light behind the door. The peephole dim for a second. And you hear, oh.

And I guess what I hear is that I instinctively kick the door. Give me a defy danger. It is a 100% instinct reaction, though. And what happened is. It's a knee jerk reaction. No, but you're kicking the door open. But like, it was in the process of being opened. And it just, your foot slams against it. And you hear, oh. And sprawled out on the little. The little hallway between the doorway and the main bedroom is Dan Durglott. Dan, hey. Dan. Wow. Oh, it has been.

I didn't think I would ever see you three again. How are you? We're good. Who's this? That's Bing. Billy, you idiot. Yeah. And you hear, I'm Mears. Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh. We forgot Mears is here. Yeah, no, I figured. I figured. I'm supposed to keep an eye on you. But you know what? Mears didn't forget. That's why he's with us. That's why. He's the leader. That's right. Technically. Okay. What's going on with you, Kern? Oh, it's great. Lumpley and I, we started a new business.

We're sort of, we've been here at the Spearmint for a few months now. And what the fuck happened to your hands? Oh, with these? Oh, is that deliberate? I wouldn't say so. Oh, yeah. Anyway, sorry. We've been at the Spearmint for a few months. We got a new business. I think you guys are going to be pretty excited to hear. We went all in on hats. And how did that turn out for you? Bad. Wow. So now, that was a couple months ago. So after hats, we went to kettle corn. And? Terrible. Wow. What next?

Right now, the idea is bespoke watch straps. Okay. Let me stop you there. Okay. Rethink that. Oh, my God. You're right. No one's going to wear a watch. They're huge. Oh, what next? What next? And he starts walking around his room. Oh, hey, what are you doing here? Oh, right. You owe us money from the fucking when we dragged your ass into and out of that swamp hole. He, his eye, like he's walking around and you see his eyes go. Oh. Oh. Dang. Yeah. Yeah. I do, don't I? You sure do. Oh, man.

Well, have I got great news for you. I can't wait. I'm trying to think of some great news. It's hats, isn't it? It might be hats. How do you guys feel about hats? Fuck you, Colonel Dan. Yeah, give us our goddamn money. Don't try and weasel out of this again. What about kettle corn? I swear to God, I know you have money in here. I'm going to have to pay you. I'm going to have to pay you. I'm going to have to pay you. I'm going to have to pay you. There's a ton of work coming in here.

There's a ton of work coming in here. There's a ton of work coming in here. There's a ton of work coming in here. There's a ton of work coming in here. Fucking object in this room. That's yours. Yes. Sounds like a parlay. Here we go. So it's a 2d6 plus charisma and the thing is give me money or I'm going to smash all your stuff. Yeah. Okay. Nine. Nine. Anybody want to aid? Yeah, I'll aid. So it's 2d6 plus your bonds. How are you aiding? Give me all your shit or I'll smash your shit.

Touch you with these hands. Yeah, I'll stick these crystals where the sun don't shine, Colonel Dan. Five plus my bond. Two. Yeah. Seven. Seven. Great. Okay, perfect. So that's a 10 and your aid is great. So he goes, okay, okay, okay. All right. Okay, okay. Look, look, look. We are on thin ice with the Spearmint B&B so please do not break anything. How much did I owe you? I assumed that you knew. It was five. It was five per. Day. Day. Three months ago. Three months ago. Well, now hold on.

It was five to get me to Mudlark, I think. Five per person per day. That seems high. And it was a three-day trek. So that's 15. Times three is 45. 45. We're at 45 gold coins. And then we, did you want us to fucking leave you in Mudlark? Yeah, but hey, guess what? Hey, we can put you back there. No, man. That wasn't part of our deal. Are you serious? I did not hire you to get me out of Mudlark. Oh, we did that? Yeah. Is that because we like you? Yeah. I'm pretty sure we don't like you, Dan.

I assumed that you were doing it out of the goodness of your hearts. Well, you assumed wrong, you cheap shit. Give us, you know what? We'll take 45. Yeah. Wow. Great. 45. 45 it is. And he, he says, turn around. No. No, turn around. No? You know what? After you literally kicked my door in to demand money from me, I don't want you to know where my little, nest egg is. Is your nest egg potentially in that Fabergé egg on the shelf? And his eyes like flick towards the egg? And he goes, no.

Does that thing even hold 45 coins? No. Does it hold more? No. I believe him. Okay. Yeah. Well, I'm going to take this egg. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He runs over to the egg. He said, 45 gold. That was the deal. I'll give it to you right now. Okay. Yeah. Don't make us turn around. No mystique with you. And he takes the egg down and he kind of covers it and he turns away a little bit. Don't do that. And you hear a squeaky, squeaky, squeaky. Don't tell me what to do. I already did.

Squeaky, squeaky, squeaky, squeaky. And jingle, jangle, jingle, jangle, jingle. Squeaky, squeaky, squeaky, squeaky. And he puts it back on the shelf and he comes over and he dumps it into like a little bag. He says, all right, here you go. And we're done. We're square. We're clear. That's all. You got it, Dan. Here you go, Billy. Here's 15. Thank you. And Mears goes, we had money. We have expense money. Yeah, but you're in charge of that money. This is our money.

We can do whatever we want with this. All right. And he starts moving out of the way as Lumply, the halfling merchant, saunters into the room because there's two beds. Oh. Nice. Yeah. Lumply goes, what is going on in here? Oh, it's you guys. Yeah, man. How you doing? What's up, Lumply? I'm doing all right. You know how it is. You know how business goes. Business is the way that it is and that's the way that Lumply lives. And he says, oh, hey.

And he ruffles Billy's hair a little bit and he kind of looks at you for a little bit longer. Yeah, what? What's up? What are you looking at? You look different. Oh, is it my mustache? Mustache? I don't have one. But I like to think I do. No, it's not. I don't know. Never mind. Well, anyways, and he sees you like counting the gold coins on the bed and like divvying them up and he goes, oh, Dan. Dan. You pushover. He goes, I tried. And Lumply looks at you like, did he try? Yeah. No, he tried.

Okay. He tried. I mean, I threatened to break everything he owns. I threatened to put these inside of him. You were going to put those inside of him? That's what I think I said. All right. Well, you know, it was nice seeing you. I hope that you didn't take us for too much because we got big plans, big plans, bespoke watch straps. And Dan goes, no, we're not. I don't think we should do that anymore. Well, we'll come up with something. Yeah, you will.

You guys are going to take over this town, the two of you. Yeah. You're going to have your name in lights. Yeah. Anyway, we're going to get out of here. Okay. Thanks for honoring the deal, Dan. Bye. You're a solid man. Good merchant. You know you don't mean that. No. Yeah, for sure not. You're a terrible merchant, but you're a solid guy. So Dan kind of looks at the three of you like, you know what? Thanks for everything. I love you, Dan. Whoa. I don't know where that came from.

Your heart, Billy. Thank you. Okay. Bye, Dan. Bye, everybody. Billy, I love you too. Okay. Whoa. It's a child. You fucking. You fucking. He's a fucking weirdo. And then we, yeah, we just storm out. Yeah. And we scoop Billy up protectively. Thank you. I don't know what he was going to do there. His eyes got wild. I was being platonically kind. Listen, I know what platonic is, and I did not see that in your eyes. All right. Bye, everybody. Bye, Dan. Bye. Bye. Bye. And he closes the door.

And then we grab that love and lust book from the counter guy on the way out. And Tor goes, okay, you know. I'm not done, but I don't think I'm going to finish anyways. Don't worry, Torque. You'll find your dad's. And he looks at you like, thank you. You'll find your dad's too. He already has. And we join hands and walk out. All right. What's the second thing Tuck wanted to take care of? I wanted to go to the security office and search through Shathane's desk.

So you go back to the security office. There's various security officers sitting around. You don't recognize any of them. Hey, what's going on? This is like a middle-aged woman. It's like, hey, what's up? Is anyone knows Shathane? Our boss? Yes. Well, our former boss, I suppose. Who's the number two here? Who's in charge now? That's me right here. What's your name? Tina. Tina what? Tina. Tina. Tina. Durger? Tina Durger. He doesn't turn her, but let's do Durger. Tina Durger. Tina Durger.

Security officer. Yeah, that's me. What's up? What can I do for you? You need some help? Yeah. Shathane gave us these keys before he stayed behind in a different plane of existence. So we're going to rifle through his shit and then we're going to leave them with you. Well, you know what? I have no reason to say no. But Shathane's. Office is now Tina Durger's office. So you can find all of Shathane's things in a box in the hall. Okay. Yeah. We'll go out there. Yep. And there it is.

What's in there? Like a bunch of writing implements and. Cool. Paper. Anything good? Some pictures. I guess there would be a couple things that he'd confiscated. Like what? What are the goods? Roll me a 2D6. What am I rolling with? No, it's just a straight roll. Oh, four. You find a really nice golden filigreed spoon. Wow. Yeah. It's kind of burnished, but it looks really nice. And Billy, your thiefy hands. You get the idea that this is probably worth like around 40 coin. Let's pocket this.

Shathane would want it. Okay. Anything else you want to do? Is there anything else in there that's any good? I mean, it's. It's a box of all his stuff, right? Yeah. So I guess there'd be one more thing. It's probably not going to be as like overtly valuable because you get the idea that anything truly valuable of his would have been skimmed already. What about the pictures? What's in the pictures? It's like there's a woman and she's just like a human woman with kind of light hair.

Can I take the picture? It's a portrait. Sure. I'll take the picture. Yeah. Okay. And yeah. So you can give me another one of those rolls. That's like the D10 and the D6. Tuck, if you want to jam through. I got two sixes. Two sixes, which is a 12. Oh my God. Well, that was a mistake on my part. Finally. Oh, for God's sake. Cool. Okay. So at the very, at the very bottom of the box, sort of in the corner, and it's like in another thing. It was in like a pencil cup. You find. A small. Ring.

Made of a very light colored. Wood. That's been smoothed down and it's got a small arrow carved into it. And then you immediately recognize this as the insignia of the Ranger Corps. That's a Ranger ring. And you know that especially outside the great forest, they are incredibly rare and would be extremely valuable. I will trade you this picture of a woman for it. Deal. But go ahead and roll me 3D6. Can you, can you roll these twice and then one more? Eight. Twelve. Fuck.

All powerful Ranger ring. You think that if you were to find the right person, cause it's a very like, you know, the average Joe is not going to care. But like a collector of that sort. Of object. Would probably pay up to 1200 coins for it. Whoa. We're fucking rich. This is a great find. I like that. Like I've never given you guys treasure really. And now this is just sort of paying off for all the shit you've been through. All the treasure. You look through the box. I think two valuable things.

I think so. Probably good. I, I take the picture of the woman and I press it into my amulet. Oh, I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. While I'm good. And Tina looks at you. Tina kind of gives you like a once up and down. She says, maybe.

And she goes back into the office. And then I trip. You just fall on your ass. But you also hear from the office, Tina go, did you hear that? That was a good line. I am extremely proud of that. And you hear a guy go like, it was pretty good. And yeah, so you, are you heading out? Please. Yes. Okay. Vig's getting antsy in the mall. He's having a conniption fit. Yeah, so 20 days. Later. Wow. That adventure was mind blowing.

Well, so you head out of the High Spear Mall and you travel through the city of High Spear proper, which though you've been in the mall for a while, you've spent no time in the actual city of High Spear. And you see people going up with their lives and you hit one of the main gates. Mears is leading the way. He suggests very earnestly that you maybe get a mount of some kind or a wagon so you don't have to walk for 20 days. Yes. Sure. Yeah, man. Mears, you're in charge. This is your time.

Oh, man. I'll find the mount. Okay. I guess you get the cart. Sure. Yeah. Maggie gave me some money and Mears leaves you two for a while. Billy and Tucker just hanging out like, I don't know, at a cafe or something. Well, we're like flush with money. Yeah. Oh, yeah. What do you do at a cafe when you have cash? Okay. What's in the cafe? It's baked goods of various kinds. Croissant. Yeah. Describe them. There's ones with cheese in them. All right. There's ones with little hot dogs in them.

There's one with like a little, nice mashed potato sort of thing in it. Yeah. There's also danishes. Nope. Can't call them that. Why can't we call it a danish? Because they're from Denmark. Denmark's a direction. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. Okay. Fine. Danishes. Yeah. I asked the waitress, can I have 12 of the mashed potato croissants and I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. The biggest oat milk that you have steamed, please. The biggest oat milk that you have. It's the size of the other ones. Okay. Is he going to get hammered off that? No. Oat milk is fine. Oat milk. Yeah. But do you have, I lean into her, do you have cow's milk? She looks at you like, yeah. Can I have a very small cup of cow's milk? Like an ounce? Yeah. Just, so is this, would you consider this a feast? Yes. Okay. So a feast costs 15 coins. 15 coins. He does it.

This is exactly what I would have expected. Yeah. So she comes back with like a shit ton of baked goods and she comes back with a big wooden cup of cow's milk as well. Oh my God. This is a shot? Oh, it's milk. You want less? Well, no, I'm fine. Billy is gonna get fucked up. Yeah. Sorry, our cups only come in one size. Okay. If the listeners don't know, halflings get drunk on cows. It's too rich. It's so rich and creamy. That's why they drink oats milk most of the time.

Well, they mostly drink oats milk because they can't reach the cows and it's way easier to milk oats. Because they're just not tall enough. But when they do get some cow's milk, they're just like, oh, party time. Party time. So Billy's going nuts on these croissants and the cow milk. Yeah. And is Tuck just watching this happen? No, I'm somewhere else. What are you doing? I went to the alleyway playing craps. Oh my God. Yeah. You left me alone? I left you with the waitress. Okay.

Technically, I left you with the waitress. So you find some people playing a dice game. Yes. I walk up to them and they're like, hey, what do you want? Get out of here. I was like, hey, I got this. And I open up my hand and there's 15 coin in it. And they all go, whoa. Let's get some fucking business. Come on in. Come on in, pal. Roll the bones. Okay. And I pick up the dice. How does this game work? Simulate everything. Yeah. It's going to be a 2D6. 2D6. And a 7 to 9 is a partial success.

And a 10 is a full success. And a 6 is a failure. So please understand. Hey. I'm betting it all on black. That's five. That's a five. And they go. So you go, I'm betting it all on black. Roll. And they go, red. And they take it away. They take 15 coins. Right. I'm like, a sailor's job is never done. And I salute. I give them a little salute. I walk away and I trip as I leave. And you come back into the cafe and Billy is knee deep in a pile of croissants and drunk, I guess. Oh, yeah.

So what's Billy doing? He's just having a good time. He is living large and in charge. He's feeling loose. He's feeling conversational. I feel like he is saying this to the waitress. He's saying this to the waitress right now. He is. He's feeling loose and in charge and in charge. Yeah. And Tuck, you come back. And Billy's face is covered in milk. Like he's got that milk mustache all around his face. I turn to the waitress. I'm like, did you give him real milk? Yes. He can't handle it.

How am I supposed to know that? You were supposed to be taking care of him. I thought I was. I really, truly thought I was. Don't worry, Janice. I gave milk to a child. Janice? Janice, you did a great, great job. I feel great. Thanks, little guy. No problem. I'm going to assume you can take this from here. I can handle this, Janice. Have a good day. Bye. Bye. And then I turn to Billy. I'm like, did you get so drunk you started narrating your own actions again? Yeah.

And Ving, it's at this point you return with your mount, with the mount that you've acquired. Yeah. Yeah. So Ving comes back with what? Hippopotamus. What? Why not? Um, okay. Is that? No, I'm, hey, whatever. Hey, we're going. It's a hippopotamus covered in hair. It's a hairy hippopotamus. Fantasy world. Sweet. I'm into it. What's it called? A woolly, a wool, woolly pig. Woolly pig. Great. Wow. So it's a big, hairy pig looking thing with a big wide mouth. That's very comfortable in the water.

Yeah. And they love to swim. Which is where we need to go. Great. Yeah. To find a crocodile. And, uh, and Mears shows up shortly after. Wait, wait, did you name? What's it? What's this thing called? Because Mears gave you a little bit of money to get a mount. So that's covered. Also, he had the best temperament out of all the mounts I talked to. Sweet. Yeah. Um, what's his name? Um, Francis. Francis. Francis, the woolly pig.

And, uh, Mears is walking down the street and you see behind him being pulled by two, uh, strapping youths, uh, is the absolute shittiest cart you've ever seen in your life. It's like, it's big enough for all of you and your stuff. Uh, but it looks like it might fall apart at any moment. And Mears goes, I, I really over lent to Ving on the mount. And, uh, this is what we got. Sorry, guys. Oh, it's great. All right. Well, let's, let's mount up.

And they strapped Francis into the cart and, and you load up Billy's wasted, uh, Mears is already stressed at having to lead this expedition and he's driving. He's got the reins to Francis in his hand and he, so Mears takes the cart on the Westward road and he looks at all it and he says, okay, buckle in. Cause this first part's going to be a little rough. If we're going to make it through the fire field principality, we're going to want to beat the monsoons.

And he whips Francis and starts heading down the road. Thanks for listening, everybody. This has been Spout Lore. I'm your game master, Sean O'Hara with me as always playing Tacoma dome, the barbarian, Abdul Aziz. So long, everybody playing fat Billy, the halfling thief, Jessica tie. Uh, good night, everyone. And playing Ving, the half elf druid, Paul offers. Goodbye. Thanks to West Lord, our technical producer.

Thanks to Aaron Reed of Vancouver's Sunday service for our amazing intro and outro music. Thanks to Gavin at input cowork in the NIMO BC for our wonderful recording space for this evening. And thanks to you for listening. Have a great night, everybody. While it's night here. Bye bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. And so ends the tale of adventures three who tried the best they can. Though dumb and scared and lost they be for times abreast in revelry.

And though our journey may be like a conclusion, we will not leave you without a resume. We will return next week to hear some more whilst you commute or do your chores. And for you, I gladly spell dawn.