Tag: Dungeons and Daddies

Hello everybody and welcome to Spout Lore. I'm your Game Master Sean O'Hara. Joining me as always, Abdulaziz. Hey buddy. And Rev from The Crit Show. Hello. Welcome here to Episode 5, the penultimate episode, part 1 of the thrilling conclusion of the Spout Lore Crit Show crossover. How's it been so far, guys? I feel like I'm running a marathon, but in a good way. Not like if I were to actually run a marathon, I'd be like peeing on myself and vomiting a lot.

But like the after part, like the runner's high. Yeah. This is like the part where you get to tell people you ran a marathon instead of just running. That's what I do. I just tell people that I ran a marathon. Yeah. I also don't run marathons because it's performative and fucking lame. Performative. Exercise. You're asking your body to perform. Yeah. Ugh. So if you want to catch the second half of the finale, it's live right now.

So after this, go listen at thecritshowpodcast.com or wherever you get your podcasts for the thrilling conclusion. Enjoy. Enjoy. So we find everyone inside of the inn.

There's a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside of a woman inside karaoke song for sure is the maiden and the frog you guys are gonna love this one but david bowie is an interdimensional wizard oh yeah I could absolutely buy that he has been across like various worlds he is also a universal constant yeah he came to our world when he left when the wizards all left yeah he's yeah started here that's why one of his eyes is permanently dilated so you can see between realms this is a cooler story let's do this let's follow this storyline fuck what we're doing yeah let's do this one all right the scene opens up young david bowie can mother never was be a david bowie variant yeah baba bowie baba bowie baba bowie baba bowie if we if we combined our production budgets do you think we could get david bowie it would be hard it'd be real hard right now first we'd have to hire a necromancer actually it might be a little bit easier oh no technically his ip's available uh okay yeah sorry man in white uh perel can't help he's he's deep in a plate of ribs right now I mean we know that the man in black's plan is to have the man in white in a different world so they could do this spell simultaneously so we've got a man in black and a man in white and a man in white and a man in white and a man in a woman in a woman in a woman in a woman in a woman in a woman in a woman in a woman in a woman locked off but I guess it makes sense to take him with us because then that way if something happens and he does regain control he's not in another world he doesn't have the ability to try and set this off at the same time even though we know it'll be really bad if it doesn't happen at the same time that seems smart plus maybe we could use him as a bargaining chip in some capacity like maybe if we had him we could be like hey no sudden moves or else I don't know that we can kill this guy but he doesn't know that we don't know if we can kill this guy are we having this conversation out loud in front of the man in white no baby tech talks to trogdor wait what's the name of the guy his name is trog and he does specialize in doors yes yes yeah you do go through the trogdor in order to talk to yeah he talks to trog and he's like hey do you have like a papoose or something that I can uh maybe carry this man in white around in that so I we I always have them on me oh yeah I got uh I got an apron we can just cut some feet holes in it all right let's do do I have to roll for this no I'm pretty good and he just he takes off his apron and puts it on you and just rips two little holes in the bottom all right I put the man in white in a little papoose I'm on my chest he's very confused is he facing towards you or away from you towards and he's it's weird because the man in white has a very long torso so you're almost just like a man in white and he's like I'm not going to do this nose to nose so he's got a very long torso very short legs is that the guy is that the configuration we're doing no he's got a he's got really short really long legs too but just a very short in between like his pelvic area is like it was that it was hard to tell in the clothing that he was wearing before but now that you've got him straddling a papoose that looks nice can I have nexties all right trogdor get me a papoose for my back for my friend tass here you all right he bends down under the counter and gets another apron pulls out a sex swing don't ask me why I had this no no reason it's it's not what it looks like it's for sex uh perel comes up and he's wiping barbecue sauce off his face and uh he's got a still got a rib in his hand that he hands to billy he just says so are we so what's the deal with you guys I'm not going to do this I'm not going to do this we're just going to go to mccall and try and find mother never was or are we going to go right in this place like is it going to open up right where we were or can we go kind of anywhere we want no it's pretty much going to send us back where we came in they just kind of create a uh a point in space that you can depart from and return to fuck also a point of interest uh because I I wasn't keeping an eye on you perel but there's about a 50 50 chance that you're going to fall asleep for a couple of minutes and then you're going to go to the bathroom and you're going to oh right sorry was that yeah when you eat here and I'm just watching him he reaches down and he grabs the rib from billy oh it's too late that rib is clean I think I think yeah you haven't face planted yet I think we're good billy just looks like a cartoon with like the rib bone in his throat sticking out sideways yeah billy is sleeping it wasn't it wasn't because of the food he's just it's just nice and full and he's just like oh my god I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'll be time for a nap I'm just tired billy's covered in barbecue sauce to a degree that couldn't have been just from this one rib yeah like I went and found extra perel goes okay I think I'm good then we really need to figure out and he just falls to the ground all right truck door I'm gonna need a third papoose this guy's gonna be bjorn to be wild oh man uh yeah I imagine we just head back through to where we started and I did do we have any clues on where we're going to find mother never was okay so here's the issue is the mother never was is in the principalities which is uh an ocean away from mccall and not just an ocean but a magic ocean it's called the sea of graves it's full of a sentient storm that hates everyone because it is the embodiment of the grief of oh oh wait nope this is actually a spoiler never mind tuxes perel's eyes flutter and he's like trying to pick himself up off the ground he goes can we maybe use the transdimensional magic contained in the doorknob to kind of jump to where mother never was that's the most intelligent thing he's ever said I love your sleep musings perel yeah I think it's his consciousness that's keeping him stupid he would be so smart if he wasn't himself oh man same yeah I think that there is some combination here of using the knowledge that you all have of the principalities in combination with say megan's telepathy and ability to get images and locations from people and then jake's ability to change the world and to change the world and to change the world and to change the world and to change the world and to change the world and to change the world and to change the world magic that you might be able to kind of hot wire this doorknob to take you to a specific location in your world so megan why don't you roll a tune in okay eight all right so jake we'll use magic 13 all right so it is going to get you into the right continent it's not going to get you exactly where you want to go the images are a little hazy maybe it's all this interdimensional travel for the three of you but the images are a little hazy and they're going to get you into the right continent and then you're going to get into the right continent and then you're going to get into the the principalities aren't quite clear um so what's someplace nearby where mother never was is kind of rumored to live um that might spring into your mind maybe a little bit of a schlep to get to but is close by she lives in like an endless marsh in a place called uh the black tree principality the marshes were sort of like north of where the riverways was basically like uh mother never was was the cause of or found refuge in this like maelstrom historical event called the river wars so for context for you guys the river wars is like it's this anachronistic war that like some historical texts refer to it as like lasting like a thousand years and other historical texts are like yeah it was like a single battle between two small tribes so there's like these internal inconsistencies in history that are happening there's like people who turned from the river wars like aged men and like they're like there are other people who are like oh yeah like who are listed among the dead who like were like oh I never fought in that battle wow so it's like this this very like chaotic spatio-temporal event uh and then in the center of that it's like sort of where it's rumored that mother never was lives outstanding yeah so that it makes sense that you wouldn't be able to get a very long time to get to the bottom of that um and then um and then um and then um and then um and then um and then um and then um and then um and then um and then um and then um and then um and then um and then um and then um and then um magical doorknob and um you come out into a gray and dim marshland mist and fog obscures your vision uh something about the space that this door is connected to kind of shunts forces you all out uh three stooges style and you kind of tumble onto the ground and an old man with a fishing pole sitting next to a watery part of the bog goes he's got a weapon no no no no no I'm but a humble fisherman what do you how'd you all get in my outhouse we're coming out of the outhouse right yeah well I mean yeah thank god that was me the player there's a guy there's a guy taking a shit you all come into his I was like we just busted out the walls of the south and you all just pile onto his lap I'm trying to catch something and leave something uh yeah so you're basically all laying in this like soggy surprisingly vibrant uh green grass in this misty marshland uh and the old man just kind of starts standing up and backing away from you oh do you need do you need in here or no no enjoy oh sorry it's my my gift to you oh wait wait wait uh do you mind telling us where we are a little lost I think oh um you're you're uh near any points down and you see a cluster of ramshackle buildings and people kind of working in the peat moss uh this is uh mossberg we're working on the name it's a new place all right we we considered peaton mossberg uh uh moston uh peatsville after the founder pete moss right yeah that's peat moss is my daddy you can just call me peaty I'm peat mouse jr so are you telling me you're mayor of this town yes as you know mayors are hereditary titles passed from father to son wow I like to consider myself a kind of petty king or a peaty king as a little joke I make uh but uh y'all are in a pretty cavalier about appearing suddenly in an outhouse I wouldn't worry about it do you know where mother never was is his eyes widen he drops his fishing pole clutches his breast I'm afraid I I do not know what you're speaking of I don't believe you well I can't I can't think of a reason why you wouldn't I'm the picture of a candor well then why is your your pants getting so wet where your peat it's the humidity it's just the humidity I don't know about that no I'm pretty sweaty like that too it's fair um do you know anybody who might know where mother never was mother never was mother never was and she appears by the beetlejuice rule she's wearing a black and white striped suit she's played by michael keaton beetlejuice is also a baba yaga variant very much so no no michael keaton they have the same number of syllables you can't you just don't don't say don't say her name why it's not safe why he casts his eyes towards the the edge of the marsh she's out there somewhere they say and if you draw her your life is forfeit and how do they say that you draw her ire by going out into the marsh and wishing for a life that you never had but me I'm perfectly content being the petty king of a small village of moss people so I've never never had need of her services before but sometimes people say on the edges of the marsh you see the gray men wandering the grasses what the gray men what are the gray men oh they're they're folks that wish to make a deal with mother never was but she's not a woman a woman highness have you ever seen people go a certain way he nods very uh regally at billy oh here's the thing my loyal subject there is no certain way in these marshes one way is always and always are no ways and uh other cryptic things that people tend to say out here what are you on what what do you actually grow here hey marsh provides baby are you a cop what are you some kind of what are you some kind of fucking narc maybe we harvest peat moss for fires across the land baby we harvest some other things that you're not going to tell anybody about if you know what's good for you but uh you you never heard of the the endless marsh oh is there a way to find your way through is it just endless wandering or is there something we can look for to find a path yeah are we destined to just be endless wanderers like mumford and sons we actually look like we're in mumford and sons it could be can I spout mumford and sons about this yeah totally 26.5 plus intelligence okay hello sir my name is mumford and these are my sons all right I have no intelligence uh okay I got 11 though oh my god 11 okay so you get something interesting and useful interesting and useful yeah and um because this is a place guys this is very exciting welcome to the collaborative world building of Spout Lore this is a place that we haven't really talked much about so what do we think is a way to build a world of Spout Lore and what do we think is a way to build a world of spelt traditionally in the tales that people have been able to find their way through the endless marsh I think you have to go in very desperate like the more desperate you are the quicker and easier you find her yeah like I like that like this is not a place for people to just be bold and want to just check it out like the day hikers are the ones that just get taken because they're not serious about this at all it's it's like uh that swamp in lord of the rings with the dead bodies just under the water and they're like oh my god I'm gonna go to the water and I'm gonna go to the water but they're all wearing archeterics jackets so if the way to get to her is to go in super desperate and going in curious is the way to get snatched is there a way through and out that is just like being indifferent we need somebody so desperate that the swamp doesn't even want them perel perel's unfortunately asleep still but the man in white who is uh a person out of time who's been displaced from his very home and has nothing left in the entire multiverse he goes well I mean I I'm pretty desperate just like in general so I mean maybe I could help yeah you're perfect you're perfect for this don't compliment me too much I'll get attached and then I won't be as desperate tuck lifts him out of the papoose and he puts him down so he lifts him 12 feet in the air I guess his his arms stick out straight in front of him like a cat and he puts him down and he's like go the yearning way my friend because remember we said that there were 40 cardinal directions and one of them is the yearning way oh cool as I'm standing over to the side like what the fuck is my compass doing here it's just the needle just snaps out of it and starts spinning in the air what you only have four four would you get that the one coin store even pd starts laughing you fucking got him kid you fucking got him yeah so the yearning way I'm not from here uh how do I how do I do that I like the idea that there's like they look like game trails almost like some of them are bobbing weaving people aren't sure they kind of go out and they're like they go and they start they come back like no she's over there but the yearning way is like the yearning way is like the yearning way is like the yearning way is like the yearning way is like the yearning way is like the yearning way is like the straight through it's just you have so much purpose so maybe there's like a little break in the bog or a well-trodden bit that's just one track mind into it but I don't think that like the rest of us see that very clearly like for us it still looks really just confusing in the way that there are no indications so we have to rely on following the man in white exactly yeah so then that sounds like we're going to undertake a perilous journey we're gonna need somebody to be quartermaster some we're gonna need somebody to be the quartermaster and we're gonna need somebody to be the quartermaster buddy to be trailblazer and somebody to be scout um I feel like I would scout here get ahead with my yeah you gotta go rifle yeah I could be a trailblazer considering I have the ability to kind of like scry or help find people like totally if we if we lose sight of the man in white I could I could get us back on track I like food I can quartermaster okay perfect oh you want somebody who hates food that's our problem we always put billy in charge you there are so many failed quartermaster roles which are just billy got really hungry and ate all of it that is not an impossibility I could still do that then uh still get his hands on it megan's like picking berries and putting them in like a satchel that billy has cut a corner off of and is just eating out of them like a hamster all right so task kim and megan roll 2d6 plus wisdom 12 for me excellent whoa excellent 12 for me as well 12 for you as well holy shit good lord you guys got to be more like these people all right oh man pearl you said you liked us the way that we are I'm sorry billy I'm still mostly asleep he's being his I didn't mean it sleep is his alcohol all his inhibitions have been shut the hell up billy um whoa also we realized that the mist is not missed but it's them hot boxing this entire area this is a skunky skunky bug uh okay so on a 10 plus so for uh trailblazing and scouting uh the trailblazer reduces the amount of time it takes to reach your destination and the scout will spot any trouble quick enough to let you get the drop on it uh seven to nine with the quartermaster you guys are going to eat the normal amount of food so you you're going to eat the normal amount of food so you're going to eat the normal amount of food so you begin to follow the man in white so you're standing on the edge of like between you and the marsh is basically like a bend in or in a creek and uh he just stands there for a second trying to feel you imagine the yearning way and just begins to walk forward into the creek and he sinks to about like eye level in the water and he's like kind of swimming across and he's starting to be swallowed by the mist so if you want to follow him you have to do it too let's go yeah jump in so everybody just starts bobbing across this creek um yeah tuck you're walking basically okay good because I don't know how to swim so that's great what about the shorter members the shorter members you're starting to you know you kind of got to like hop to stay above the water billy I'm very buoyant so I'm fine um in fact I can offer myself to tuck as a little flotation device uh as soon as I get in the water I suddenly have a mermaid tail what oh what the fuck cool so I'm fine pd on the edge of the creek goes what the fuck don't worry about it you're high wait do we have the other ring yeah I think I think I walk into the creek and walk over the creek right I think I still have a water walking yeah water walking ring too as I'm like literally up to my neck in water and watching like six foot four jake just walk across I'm just looking down like well sucks to suck I'm still in the back of the orange so I'm pretty dry too I think wait you guys have rings that turn you into mermaids our rings just let us read each other's minds that's fucking lame oh I can do that too though this sucks our world fucking sucks we can't do anything magic doesn't exist we need rings to read minds and we don't even have fish tails okay but everything's named really cool thing is do it like uh synchronized swimming but with nobody synchronizing with it it's just his legs up out of the water kicking yeah and you kind of weighed out of the water or in uh jake's case just step onto the other side and the man in white is like descending into the grasses which get quite high on the side uh the mist presses in all around you but you're able to uh with the help of kim's oracle like abilities tipped off by her tarot cards in some confusing fashion uh basically basically whenever uh he disappears from sight she you pull one kim and it just has an arrow that's pointing in the direction that he went hell yeah I love it and they all just say the arrow it's not this uh you're you're worried that your cards might have disappeared entirely and been replaced with these uno style and uh there are times where you're noticing the light shift in ways that makes it feel like you're like as you're walking forward suddenly you're working walking backwards the light dims and brightens in ways that make it feel like the sun is rising and setting very irregularly but the man in white is leading you it would seem down some sort of yearning path you travel for what feels like hours could be minutes could be years who knows uh and he suddenly stops in the path and tass as the scout you kind of bump into him and he is just like standing stock still hey buddy what's he puts his finger to his lips and he points forward and goes look and through the mist you can see bodies moving how big vary from probably you know five four to maybe like six six do you think those are the gray people yeah can I discern realities yeah totally two to six plus wisdom right here we go all right so I got eight plus my wisdom which is zero so I got eight nice uh so that gets you one question off the the list okay what here is not what it appears to be okay so as you're watching um these bodies kind of flit in and out of the mist you see like five eight ish figure move into move into sight very kind of silhouetted but then you see somebody six three in their place so this isn't multiple people you don't think it's one person that is switching between bodies oh that's kind of like what he can do right like like he's switching between different versions of himself but this is like whole different bodies instead of versions maybe it has something to do with like that we're getting so close to mother never was maybe they're her guard they could be scouting for her oh shit yeah there's a point where some of us can't go much further because if she smells her sister on us that's a problem yeah she gets a whiff of billy's taint then we're screwed my taint I run away I'll hide in the reeds yeah as you guys are having this conversation about uh baba yaga smelling your taints um the person that you see ahead of you stops and like perks up someone say taint as if they heard something even the word taint draws their attention cover up your taints everybody you guys were gonna try and and mask the scent of baba yaga but you just didn't before no before before we left tuck went to a cvs and got a giant bottle of taint and I was like oh my god I'm gonna get a bottle of dracar noir how many uses are in there yeah a hundred three a million no you get three I I'm now allowing you to have a bottle of dracar noir that you picked up in indianapolis and there are three uses okay but I also I got an axe body spray does this have any uses in it uh it actually popped in your bag so it just sprayed all over your shit dude and it smells like a middle school locker room now fuck but that's kind of what tuck always smells like so it's not really uh I don't know for sure if this thing is smelling us or hearing us so I'm gonna branch out my telepathy to be able to establish a mental chat room with everybody here cool hey I'm in your head again I didn't know it was hearing us talk so let's just talk in our minds oh yeah and you hear with your real ears you hear perel snoring but then in your head you hear do you think that if you put a coat on a dog it would notice if it liked the color of the dog or if it liked the color of the dog or if it liked the color of the dog notice if it liked the color or not do you think the trees have friends what if a frog had a job he's just going through whatever unconscious thoughts in this chat room that he's able to conjure wasn't that all of season one him giving frogs a job what if one frog was big and one was small and would one of them be the pet no not a double frog um does this seem to be having any noticeable effect on that um does this seem to be having any noticeable effect on that figure in the mist now that we are non-verbal yeah it goes back to whatever it was doing perfect I would like to use my culling sight on this creature yeah in case we need to try to get past this somehow yeah remind me what uh calling site is when I see a creature for a moment I can roll plus wisdom and then I can get some hold to spend to either give us like plus ones against it or like more damage or like turn a fail into a mixed success if we're trying to do something yeah go for it uh that is a nine so I have a hold one yeah you're just kind of watching it as it shifts in between forms and seemingly wanders uh through the mist it might be like on a specific track maybe it's looking for something but it's just kind of walking around I will think in the chat room do we think we can time it out to sneak by this thing as a group or should I fireball it well if we're gonna attack it I should probably try and see if I can read something from its mind first I might be able to get an idea of what it's doing or looking for or what it is yeah yeah do it I say that even if we don't attack it yeah more information is always good all right yeah go for it eight okay so yeah it's kind of hard to pick out what it's thinking because you much like when you connected to the man in white uh when you first saw him in the call there is a cacophony of voices an absolute like chorus of confusion it's different than the way that it was with the man in white what you're able to kind of deduce with your experiences as a interplanar traveler and also with uh this specific situation this must be something unique to how mother never was operates but this feels like it's actually multiple versions of a person existing in one space so as opposed to just being like someone that is able to like mentally swap into different bodies this is many people's lives and it's like it's like a lot of people's lives and it's like a lot of people who have kind of been forced into one point in time and space wow she's grabbed somebody from a bunch of the different dimensions yeah pd said something about how the gray men are thought to be people that mother never was saw something in that she coveted so you get the idea that this might kind of be like a menagerie of people that exist in one place uh because of the state they're in would this be considered an inhuman creature yes I would say so oh in that case I get to ask the gm wait no I mean no I mean no I just get what's on your I just get to ask one question about it and I have to tell you what pop culture source I would know that from from my world all right what's your question so I think my question would be is there any sort of a kindness or a favor or something that we could offer it slash them to be able to get past the gm and ask the gm what's on your sheet I just get to ask without trouble I think that um especially thinking about like pop culture examples I think this is very much a um music soothes the savage beast kind of thing not music specifically but this is a person or many countless people that are in like agony so anything that would offer kindness or comfort or understanding or soothing of any kind might be able to placate uh this thing for a short time wow okay but it's also going to be risky for sure because it it seems like the kind of thing where they're just as likely to lash out got it what's the pop culture source is it the Spout Lore patreon it's the Spout Lore podcast I swear I've heard this episode they did a crossover with another podcast called it's just like this we explode and then everything implodes yep yeah I mean like even simply it seems almost like a like a frankenstein kind of thing right where it's like a monster that just wants to be loved yeah kinda like I even have this weird like thinking about like being john malkovich but the idea that the room keeps filling up and there's no way out of it um so like what could give this thing focus cool interesting I like that a lot oh man we might be able to sneak past this thing if we can distract it give it sort of a balm something to you know ease it's just it's tortured mind the man in white speaks up you could I mean there's lots of you you could just kill it right yeah what if it doesn't want what you offer what if it tries to kill us well then in that case we defend ourselves but I don't like the idea of just just going after this thing yeah white guy we're not just gonna kill indiscriminately I'm not saying indiscriminately it's just it's a it's a monster right it's quite discriminately as a matter of fact I can't go ahead right because mother never was will smell me I could I'm not going to kill you I'm not going to kill you I'm not going to kill you I'm not going to kill you act like a little bait and see if the monster would follow me or if I could distract it.

Wait, Billy, do you still have wealth and taste? I do. Oh my God. Wealth and taste is a move that if Billy waves around his most valuable object, someone will be like, I want that. That's it. What would it want? Well, it sounds like it wants a hug. Like what if you just go hug its leg and like stand on its foot and just you're along for the ride? Oh my God. My blue blanket. So soft. So comforting. So magical. Yeah. Blue blanket could do it. It's like a hug. You think so? Yeah.

This thing's in a state. It's like in, you know, when you're like in such a heightened state of duress that like literally anything nice is what you want. Like it's just, you're just lizard brain. Like I want to lay down. I want to eat something. Yeah. Like James Brown. Somebody comes, puts a blue blanket on your back and then you pop up. Exactly. That's all you need. If you're going to give it a blanket, let me press to digitate it. So I can also make it a warm blanket before we give it to him.

Okay. It's very little, but I mean, it's nice. Uh, yeah. And I, I, I think as Billy is going over, I want to spend my hold, uh, to sort of like focus in on like, I think that the blanket will work and I want to give Billy a plus one forward. Thank you. Excellent. And I spray it with some Dracar Noir. Ew. That's not going to work. Do you have to roll to press to digitate? I mean, I think so. I have to roll to cast a spell. Okay. Yeah.

So I rolled a nine, which means the spell is cast, but I have to choose one, draw unwelcome attention or put myself in a spot. The GM tells me how, uh, the spell disturbs the fabric of reality as it is cast. Take minus one ongoing to cast a spell until the next time you prepare spells or after it is cast, the spell is forgotten. You cannot cast the spell again until you prepare spells. All of this. So I could warm the blanket. Yeah.

Unfortunately you, you go to warm the blanket and it's a little flame, but it's exact same time that Tuck does the cologne and just makes a fireball. Well, it's a good thing. It's made of, I think it's that buttermilk, butter, butter, butter, moth silk, which is fire retardant. Yeah. Milk. Buttermilk. Buttermilk. I wish it was made of buttermilk. That sounds nice. That sounds like some fancy, like skincare, like exfoliating, like face towel. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I will, I will warm the blanket and I will choose to draw unwelcome attention or put myself in a spot and you tell me how. So Billy, the blanket warms in your hands as Jake casts, what is, what does this prestidigitation look like? Uh, you know, put my, put my hand on the blanket and do a magic. Tight. Welcome to the theater of the mind.

I, I lay a hand on the blanket and there is a, a purple shimmer around my face.

Hand that becomes an orange shimmer around my hand that becomes an orange shimmer around the blanket and then it heats up and once it is heated up the shimmer itself fades and for some background ambience as billy goes up with the blanket I uh pull a bottle out that I stole from pete by his fishing stuff and pop the cork and endless wanderer starts playing like way too fast mandolin begins to pour out over the marsh uh the the soothing tones of 2009 carry billy forward am I wrong in thinking that the song is hopeless wanderer you're right I fucked up earlier oh it is I was like and I leaned into it I was like I think that's what it is but I really don't want to add the term hopeless into our I'm so so glad we got there though we really we've actually screwed up that name multiple times on this show because we tried to name a boat after it but we named it aimless wanderer okay that's great we're so close every time so anyway so helpless wanderers playing perfect bill yeah you almost don't want to give up the blanket because it's so warm and toasty um but you start walking towards this figure in the mist that is shifting rapidly and as you get close it resolves through the mist to a point and then you realize that it's not obscured by the mist it's just an obscured image it's it's really hard to actually focus on this thing because it doesn't seem to have one singular form that this plane of existence recognizes it's kind of like looking at somebody through like an unfocused camera lens it's just like multiple images overlaid but as you get closer it does kind of turn its head to you and all of these heads turn at like different times in your vision so I uh I'm going to start with the first one which is the one that's going to be the most difficult to crawl up to the shore near the base of a willow tree and I curl up with the blanket and I make a big show of like flapping the blanket out and like laying it down on me and the warmth like I don't know I imagine this monster can sense how how cuddly it all is well I think you gotta roll a wealth and taste it doesn't say to roll it oh you just do it I think so let me just when you when you make a show of flashing around your most valuable possession choose someone present they will do anything they can to obtain your item or one like it damn yeah that's great you just do it so how do you extricate yourself from this situation before because it does start it starts walking towards you yeah so I'm under the willow tree so I've um wrapped some of like the willow um tendrils around my wrist kind of like waste myself up really fast yeah yeah and get out of its reach okay great then roll a 2d6 plus dexterity because it's starting to walk faster um oh my god six can I help megan what do you got I think since I established this mental connection with this creature in the first place and they were kind of aware of that I think I'm just talking to it telepathically and just a very calming voice and like it's okay just relax and like look how warm and comfy this blanket looks you can take a nap I like it uh then yeah give me a 2d6 plus bond just basically asmr game yeah uh that'll be an eight eight perfect so that makes it a seven for billy jake something that your magic has done like after you you felt the warmth on your hand as you heated up the blanket you've just been standing there watching billy do this but like you know flexing your hand you're trying to like shake out the residual heat uh and you feel the heat kind of like come out of your arm and you're getting really warm and then all of the people standing around you the rest of the crew it's getting pretty hot dude jake you're so hot right now uh this is this is jake's magic putting him in a spot yeah sorry I think I goofed this it's I don't know what to do about that I'm gonna just kind of sit down and scoot into the water here to try and cool down perfect uh yeah so you splash around a little bit and then you're like oh my god I'm so hot I'm so hot but billy you're trying to climb up these uh willow strands and uh you see the figure walking closer to the blanket kind of crouching down and cycling through images and the images as it gets closer and closer to the blanket start to get smaller and smaller then it's about the size of like a six to seven year old child and it grabs the blanket and starts to like crawl underneath it okay I'm I'm a little jealous oh it's holding on to your blanket yeah that's what it is billy you're hanging from this willow branch watch watching this thing rest and you're like that's that's my blanket it's my blanket and I'm looking at my friends and I'm like what are they even doing they're all just swimming around like giving up my favorite blanket for them to go for a little swim they're playing marco polo yeah guys it looks like the monster's been placated all right let's keep going let's let the the man in white lead us the rest of the way or should all of us that stink like baba yaga hang back here now it's not something we can cover up tuck holds up dracar noir though I can cover three people up with the smell of a high school dance all right so tuck and ving are clear to go regardless do what other three people want to smell just wonderful I do not have a good history of dealing with baba yaga so I will volunteer to like stay outside and guard I feel like we need someone to smell the smell of baba yaga I'm smarter than us though it can't just be ving and I right like ving is still doing synchronized swimming he has like he's underneath the water man I just sure want it to just be tuck and ving though what if we what if we go the opposite what if we go in only her sisters saying that we have a message from her I I think she's gonna kill us yeah we're here with a message from baba hmm if you go in first then she doesn't kill us and you why do you just want us to die in wave one well I mean a big argument here to be had though is if we let her know exactly what's really going on all of everything could stop existing and she may have some self-preservation you know like if if if our dude on this side starts doing what he's gonna do bad time for all that's a good point so that's the argument that we have to make to her is that she has to fix this that is exactly the point that I'm making here tuck and ving alone should make when they go or you could make it as bait before she probably kills you yeah okay fine ving and I will go ving and I will go and I guess I wasted this dracar noir for nothing I shoplifted this for fucking nothing and then tuck angrily whips it into the into the boy okay so the plan is to just send ving and tuck to talk to mother never was billy's gonna stay behind with the uh with the crit crew like I yeah I don't know what to do because like I want my blanket and I'm kind of also stuck in the tree I can't come crawling down or the monster will get me yeah everybody you just walk past the willow tree and you see billy hanging from it like a christmas ornament yeah I'm like spinning around okay just slowly spinning in a circle how how much uh can I safely assume that billy weighs the billy's weight billy weighs less than load three oh yeah I could cast unseen servant to get billy out of the tree nice that'll do it yes all right unseen servant it is so what does that do I conjure an a simple invisible construct that can do nothing but carry things uh so it can carry up to load three can't pick up things on its own oh can only carry things I give to it oh I don't know if that works then that's what reading the rules does to a person we don't ever do that I have telekinesis that seems like a better option oh yeah telekinesis that'll do it I have to fake there's all these like conditions on its size so plus two if you could carry or hold it in one hand nah plus one if it's no larger than a halfling oh he's actually smaller than a halfling yeah okay so that's a plus one uh that's an 11 excellent okay uh yeah what is the is it just straight up billy just lifts out of the tree and starts floating over yeah you can slowly move the object as long as you can see it okay perfect I just I just just air roller coaster yeah I think I'm holding my my salt crystal dagger and that's like pink energy starts like kind of coming off of it and then at the same time the same colored energy just kind of starts materializing around billy and he just starts kind of like floating up and away from the blanket and just in the middle of the air right towards us just like reaching for a blanket he stopped for a second by the tension of the willow branch that he's on and then that tendril snaps and he shoots forward a little bit I catch him and he's billy's just crying yeah we'll get it back we'll get it back we just got to do this first I wasn't thinking I wasn't thinking about consequences oh uh but yeah you've you've the gray man or gray child it would seem is uh peacefully snoozing under the blanket at the base of the willow tree and the man in white uh turns to you all and says it I guess I just keep going keep keep yearning right yeah man just keep yearning okay yeah tuck and ving follow him here we go well how do we do we know how close are we uh that's a great question can I try to use my farsightedness to find mother never was yeah yeah totally yeah go for it because yeah you don't know how close or far you are from from her currently so yeah what's uh could you remind me of farsight uh when you take a few minutes to enter a trance in order to see the whereabouts of a person or a specific spot in a location roll plus wisdom on a 10 plus as long as you remain in the trance you can see and hear as if you were there on a seven to nine as 10 plus but you can only see as if you were there sweet okay uh yeah that's a 13.

Fuck yeah fuck yeah I like the idea your trance is the macarena so sorry but this whole time she's she hasn't realized that it's the macarena but she because she just goes into the trance but everybody else sees the macarena does she know do not tell her we just silently do it along with her she can never know so you begin the macarena and you enter this trance and when your eyes open up you're in the trance and you're in the trance and you're in the trance and you open back up you're standing in a muddy clearing um it's ringed by like shoulder height reads the sky is gray uh but you can see a bright disc of sunlight shining whatever pitiful light it is able to through the through the cloud cover and sitting on a log weaving together reads into what looks like kind of like a a crown or a circlet is a woman in a cloak of river grass she has like there's a hood over her head she looks quite uh stooped but you can see her gnarled fingers uh working on this circlet and you are able to kind of uh like in the ubisoft video game franchise assassin's creed when you call your bird scout to see the environment around you you're able to enter stationary mode and look to the east and see uh your your group is deceptively close uh and if you were to kind of use this uh farsight to peek into where you've been it looks like it's the kind of thing like you're looking at the entirety of this of the marshland and you're like wow this place is way fucking smaller than I thought it was and though it feels like it's been hours days it looks like you've almost just been circling uh where mother never was is seated for who knows how long so if you're able to cut through this extra temporal interplanar space you might be able to get there fairly quickly okay um my eyes stopped glowing white and I I think while I was in this trance uh the bright white light from my eyes was like reflecting off of tuck's axe and creating a really sick disco ball effect as we were all just doing the and you come you come out of your trance and you go uh yeah and clap ving's like hey how do you guys know the macalarena macarena is also an interplanar constant yeah I I I saw her she's in a clearing uh surrounded by a bunch of of reeds she's really close actually um but also far on like an extra planar sense I I think if we had a way to kind of pierce that veil we would be very close to her ving then dips his fingers into the bogs at the base of a reed and he I want to try and talk to the reeds I want to try and um appease the reeds and talk to the the network the the plants and see if they'll fast track us through I don't know why I'm always surprised when you talk to a plant you've been able to do it for seasons god what does this reed sound like hey how's it going yes jersey fallback it's the you know see it's it's easier this way what's going on buddy welcome to the swamp hey good to be here thanks for having us is this the director's cut of shrek oh I should have just done a shrek voice it's not too late it's not too late get out it's not too late force myself into a shitty scottish accent just like mike myers all right fine I'm doing it what are you how's welcome to my swamp he said the thing he said he said the line uh hey uh just uh we're just passing through how are you doing how's it been it's not a lot of light around here I noticed that um were you getting all your sugars from the swamp I'm not sure I'm from pal oh you know there's lots of little like uh shrimp and fish and stuff in these waters that they they die and then we kind of just suck them up and you know there's also uh eon after eon of traveler that have met their ends in these in these waters and we're uh we are you hear in your head the spiritual sound of someone patting their belly we are full up oh aren't you tired of uh you know it's like uh uh eating all these dead things uh no it's delicious have you ever had pure unadulterated non-mistful sunlight I want to parlay with this grass and say if he gets his way through I'll give him a peak of sunshine see what it does for his taste buds very interesting I love that you went with this direction because I was really afraid you were trying to talk these reads into eating living things instead of dead things I'm like I'm in the water why do you want me so warm sample fluid a little dracar noirish you are going to give this read a hit of sunlight and then mess it up for the rest of its eternal life because it'll never get it again they're just constantly chasing that high this is get a little sunshine on his spotful mind yeah all right uh get 2d6 plus charisma with the part like come on oh nice 11 okay nice sunlight you say like like full on one just solid beam I even had a beam of pure sunlight and since I was a wee sprout all right what do you want for it what do you need we need to get to the center of the swamp I know that you know the way we need to get to mother never was oh I don't know if you want to be doing that it doesn't matter what you think you want to know about all right all right well if you're gonna give me pure sunlight I'll take you wherever you want to go okay give it to me now I gotta find I can make a hole in the cloud somehow oh elemental mastery so I guess I'll have to yeah give it a roll for this yeah yeah this could be uh what's the word again catastrophe yeah 2d6 plus constitution now for the elementalist okay so um start spinning I think I'm gonna go with the nature's price and I retain control I'm gonna choose the effect I desire comes to pass okay excellent um so you conjure this this pillar of cool air that's going to be the pillar of cool air that's going to be the pillar of cool air that's going to be the pillar of cool air that's going to be the pillar of cool air that's going to be the pillar of cool air that's going to be the pillar of cool air that's going to be the pillar of cool air and a woman's dream um a woman's dream um um a woman's dream um a woman's dream um a woman's dream um a woman's dream um a woman's dream um burn away the sun pours through all of you feel real sunlight for the first time and what feels like an age and you hear the reed go oh yeah ah no this isn't it's not sexual don't don't have that don't look at me like that oh it's just it's so nice your scottish pleasure is gross sounding that's all uh and as you watch the the hole that you pierced in the clouds spreads and spreads and the mist burns away all around you hit the deck like how close are we to mother never was quite close and the mist clears and the reeds uh it seemed like grow up out of the ground at a rapid speed and you're all just standing in the bright sunlight and tuck you're a lot taller than than the people here you see movement off in the distance I look at it it looks like a woman in a cloak tuck that's her that's her that's her the face turns to you and you're not really sure now that you're looking at this face what direction this person is facing it looks like she's one side of her face is looking to the left one side is looking right at you but you're also kind of looking at the back of her head oh you've now drawn the attention of mother never was uh no never mind I I nothing just one of those that's where we're gonna end it for this week uh I've been your game master Sean O'Hara joining me as always playing tacoma dome the barbarian Abdul Aziz so long everybody playing ving the half-elf druid Paul Oppers uh take care bye playing fat billy the halfling thief jessica tie bye everyone uh and playing tass tass hey playing jake jake hello playing megan megan hey and playing kim kim thank you for having us thank you for joining us along with rev hanging out as well I'm here too thanks for chilling everybody he's like remember me I talked at the beginning and thank you to the crit show and crit show listeners we hope we pray for coming by uh we'll catch you next time bye bye you!

You I'm guys. Okay. And there are things and they, they happened. If you want to hear the actual conclusion, part two of the finale, head over to the crit shows feed right now. You're going to love it. And you got to subscribe to that feed. You got to subscribe to the feed. You got to subscribe to their feed. You got to subscribe to our feed. This is the last episode that we're going to be releasing for this amazing crossover.

So if you've enjoyed it as much as we have, we urge you to go over and subscribe to crit show. Oh yeah. So good. It's an amazing catalog of content. Best in the biz. So many great game systems that they've played. You gotta do it. You gotta do it. And if you don't, it's fucking cringe. Yeah. And listen, if you're, if you're someone who's here from our feed and you're just listening to the crossover, go back to the beginning and listen to their story. Just trust me.

It is one of my favorite podcasts. They will vehemently deny it, but they are the ones that taught me through listening, how to play Dungeon World. Whoa. Or at least maybe how to partially play Dungeon World. Oh yeah. Cause we don't actually know how to play. That is very clear. That's so nice. But that is so true. Yes. Thank you. So go listen from the beginning. Um, it's, it's a hell of a journey. And if you don't, it's pretty cringe. Thanks for joining us, everybody.

See you over at the crit show for part two. Don't be cringe. Subscribe to both shows. You fucking cringe heads. Millennials, millennials saying cringe feels like a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, We'll see you next time.

Hello everybody and welcome. I'm your game master Sean O'Hara joined by Abdulaziz. Hey everybody. And Rev from The Crit Show. Hello. This is episode three of the Spout Lore Crit Show crossover. If you have not heard the rest of the crossover, head over to Spout Lore and The Crit Show to catch episodes one and two. And guess what? After this episode, episode four is already live on The Crit Show. So you don't have to miss the next part of the story. You don't have to wait. You don't have to wait.

You don't have to wait. And waiting, as we all know, is the biggest torture that you can experience in the modern day. So go over to The Crit Show's feed to get that sweet, juicy fourth episode. It's so juicy, guys. What? So we find you all coming into the inn that wanders. So what is Mother Never Was? Yeah. Is that familiar to anyone? Yeah. Perel froze his brow and thinks for a moment. Mother, do you say Mother Never Was? Yeah. She's like a story, like a fairy tale.

A woman that supposedly lives in the marshlands of the Blacktree Principality. You can go to her and ask to be the person that you wish to be. And she sort of makes a deal with you. But I didn't think she was real. Well, this guy certainly seems to think so. He kept saying over and over again that he would get back to where he was supposed to be and that Mother Never Was would pay. Huh. Wow. So is this like some sort of… Wish gone wrong situation? Maybe. Maybe this is Daddy Never Is.

Wait, you guys have somebody named Daddy Never Is? No. No. No, we don't. Wouldn't it be Daddy Always Is? The opposite of Mother Never Was. Yeah. Daddy Always Is. Yeah. Perel points at Kim. Yeah. You know what? That sounds more plausible to me, honestly. The daddy that always will be. I'd like to roll Spout Lore on that, please. Just totally waste a roll here. No, I want to roll. Ooh, you got a six and a nine. Jari, you guys can't antagonize me into rolls anymore.

You got to antagonize Rev into rolls. Oh, have we switched play systems yet? Not until you go through the door to their world. Oh. Okay. Okay, then go ahead and somebody roll me a 2d6 plus intelligence Spout Lore. God damn it. I would, but I actually have bardic lore. Can I use gods and their servants? Yeah, I think that that probably applies. Okay. So keep in mind that this is the, this is the one and only question you're ever going to get about Mother Never Was. Yeah.

When you first encounter an important creature, location, or item covered by your bardic lore, you can ask the GM any one question and the GM will answer truthfully. The GM may then ask you what legend song or tale you heard that information. And, um, okay. Uh, what is the deal with Mother Never Was? . .! That's a great question. He did say that she'll make a deal with you. So. Exactly. And that, you know what, Jake, that's a good idea. That's a good point.

I took says, and he's like, that is what I meant. What is the deal that Mother Never Was makes and how could it possibly go wrong? Uh, okay. So. That's part A of one question. . Question one A. Give me a second. Uh, so the deal with Mother Never Was is as Perel. Uh, referenced, she's supposedly some sort of folkloric figure that lives in the marshlands of the Blacktree principality and is kind of a crossroads deal maker sort of figure.

If you want to change something about yourself, you want to become better at a certain skill. You want to know what life would be like if this person loved you, uh, you can go and make a deal with her and she'll make you that person and how it can possibly go wrong is you've heard stories that might suggest that how she's going to make a deal with you. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

As the like during a fire during a fire it sounds like I'm lying it's the way I'm saying remembering this it sounds like I'm lying but I'm not anyway uh the it was it was a speed metal album which is made it's written it's that's when a guy who's on speed is making an album uh and it's it was recorded entirely as his house was burning down so he was very close to like the he was close to the veil you know he was close to like death and like all possibilities of like what he could possibly be so that's why he was able to kind of like look into like the infinite manifolds that exist outside of time and space uh see that like all of reality converging onto itself in a fractal form and it made a pretty good ep is what I'll say that's metal as hell it is yeah it's sold like shit though no he's right I I died once you get that you get that for a little bit and then it sort of goes away but nice all you need for infinite knowledge is just amphetamines and arson that was the name of the album and you can you can take that to the bank jake pearly of the crit show says yep so that's what you uh that's what you learned of uh what you remember of the stories of mother never was okay so this guy made a deal or maybe not this guy but like a version of him made a deal he got switched out or switched out with the wrong version something he lost where he was from and he's trying to get it back well I wonder did this guy get brought in or was he sent somewhere else because if she swaps you out with another version of yourself maybe he ended up somewhere he didn't like or maybe he just had no idea that's what he was going to happen and now he's brought to this new place yeah he said that he wanted to rebuild home so maybe he's not trying to get back to your guys's world exactly but maybe it's like a close bridge or maybe ours is or something I think the confused twin said he was gonna get me home and he was gonna go home so can't go on I have nothing this wasn't this wasn't leaving me this wasn't leaving me this wasn't leaving me you looked at me like that's not the solution I was hoping if I said it out loud it would make sense because you do know that other worlds seem to have been ended because of this phenomenon so it's not just two people trying to switch one or two worlds and that um the confused twin has been swapped so many times sometimes he swaps fully sometimes his mind just goes into a different body so he doesn't remember where he originally comes from anymore he just knows that he's not the one who's going to be the one who's going to be coming from anywhere because of his mental state and his mental state of struggle and his mental state of his home was.

But the man in black needs him because he needs two bodies in different realms to basically achieve what they're attempting to achieve. So he's just kind of a bystander, but you have Jake Spell locked the man in black out of the man in white's mind.

So he currently is unable to inhabit him, which I think, which was also suggested to be even worse, because if the man in black completes what he's attempting to in Indianapolis without completing the same thing in McCall, then it stands to destroy even more of reality. No, it's probably fine. So. Perel throws his hands up and goes and sits in a booth. So still speed is the better part of valor here. Yeah. I mean, we don't know what we don't know. We got to get answers out of this guy.

So we got to go get this guy. All right. You you all sure you're up for this whole different plane of existence? Yeah. Tuck turns around when you say, are you ready? Yeah. And his beard has so much barbecue sauce on it. And he's got a whole rack of ribs and a little hamburger on top of it as well. And he's like, oh, buddy, I was born ready. And then he picks up a little cup of hollandaise and he's like, but I'm bringing this stuff with me. OK, if that's fine.

Yeah, that'll actually make you fit in in the Midwest like way more. So that's pretty perfect. We just got to get him a bottle of ranch and it'll be flawless. I got the bottle of ranch. I'm ready. All right. I will crack open the door to our world and lead the way home. Is Perel coming as well? Yeah. Perel starts hyperventilating as everybody starts walking through the door and then gathers up his strength and forces himself through.

So as you have all come through the doorway into Indianapolis, this energy flows through you and everything about you kind of shifts and adjusts to incorporate, the world that you're headed into. So why don't you each tell me about your new playbooks that you have? OK, Tuck is now the hard case. Yes. Yes. I've fought anything normal that can be fought and I've won. Monsters need a beat down and there is not any nobody that can't give them the thrashing that I can't.

So many negatives in that statement. OK. So my name is Tacoma Dome. My look is that I am dressed like the guy whose clothes that I stole is what I've decided. So. I just got that your name is Tacoma Dome. That's good. What was that guy wearing? You said it was like a bunch of buckles and belts and stuff. Sounds like a gimp suit. He's just like. It's like Eddie Murphy's Raw. But yeah, I'm definitely thinking more like trip pants, but it's like like trip one hop. Yeah. Like tatter kilt. Yeah.

I've got a tattered kilt on. I've got a half shirt, a mesh half shirt that's made out of like kind of like a jingly sort of material. It resembles chainmail, but it is not chainmail and does not provide any kind of armor in any way. I've got. Doc Martens boots on and I have a little backpack that is looks like a workout backpack that did not change at all. And my ratings are charm plus one cool plus one sharp plus one tough plus three weird minus one.

And I think it's important to point out that as you come to this portal, because they are magical, Larry, Terry and Chad form into whatever your main weapon is like. They kind of shift like, oh, yeah, this is awesome. And they take a new form. Yeah. Yeah. But they. So it comes through and it's an axe on this side. Also, it's the guitar kind of axe. But it is also shaped like an axe. So I use it as a weapon. And then I also can play music out of it.

If I took a lesson or something, because my character doesn't really know how to play music. I thought for sure you were also going to go. With you're wearing a top hat. So you just look like Slash in this world. Yeah. I have big. My bald head has big curly hair on it. And I'm also wearing a top hat that has a little rat skull on it. And I have my giant axe shaped axe. And then my two basic weapons are a big knife, which is what the waning knife turns into. And then a shotgun.

Because I thought Taz's shotgun was so cool. Nice. And this shotgun on the side of it has the words, Daddy's little helper just etched into it. Why, you ask? We're going to find out together, my friend. I don't think I said this, but Tuck is the same size. He didn't change. So seven feet tall, five feet wide, three feet deep. But the thing that did change for him physically is he's now. Extremely nearsighted or farsighted or bug. He's bug. He's got bifocals on.

When he came through, bifocals formed on his face. So he needs to kind of like look through both of them to see what's going on. Great. Who's next? Okay. So Billy is going to be the monstrous. The description says, I feel the hunger, the lust to destroy. I never give in. I'm not. Human anymore. Not really. But I have to protect those who still are. That way I can tell myself I'm different to the other monsters. Sometimes I can even believe it. I chose the weird option to use magic.

I took a plus two to charm. Zero for cool. Minus one sharp. Minus one to tough. And three plus to weird. Curses. I took pure drive. And for that, it says one emotion rules you. Pick from hunger, which is what I chose. So I'm not even going to list the others. This is pretty obvious. Whenever you have a chance to indulge that emotion, you must do so immediately or act under pressure to resist. So, I mean, that's pretty realistic for me.

Is your monstrous, like listening to it described, have you become like more of the raccoon that you're wearing? Have you become kind of a fairy? Like what direction has this gone? So, like appearance. Wise, Billy looks like still like physically the same. Still a little redheaded, two feet tall, two feet wide, little baby boy. But he's in like one of those Halloween costumes that are like for toddlers. And a little bear costume. Oh, you got to stop. My heart can't take this. Oh my God.

I'm in love. And it's got like the hood with the little ears on it. He also has a fanny pack. That's definitely too big and probably from the 80s. And it keeps all of his snacks in there. Little rocks that he likes. Tiny daggers that he keeps just like jumbled in there, I guess. I'm going to start crying. He's wearing little Converse sneakers. We match! So cute. This is how you build a character with longevity. Because we will all die. We will die for you. Thank you. All right. What about Ving?

You're going to die for me, but for other reasons probably. Ving's the primal. Oh, nice. Nice. Yeah. And I do want to give a shout out to our community manager. This is a playbook that he designed. Oh, cool. Thanks, Mike. Mike. What's up, buddy? So sorry, Mike. I got too familiar there. He will love it. No worries. May I call you buddy? The primal. You don't scare me. Raw elemental power courses through my veins. Bolts of lightning, raging fires, roaring waves.

These are nothing compared to the fury that I bring. And Ving has crystal encrusted arms, but they have now turned into sleeve tattoos. Cool. Cool. Yeah. So he's covered in tattoos all up down here. Cool. So he's got tattoos all up down his arms. And in his chest, he's got a big chest tattoo, like a big circle chest tattoo of an amethyst cave. His wild gray hair has been tamed into two beautiful ponytails. I guess kind of like pigtails. Chemos, cutoffs, toe shoes, but the same color as his skin.

Oh. Okay. There's a ton of work. There's a ton of work. There's a ton of work. There's a ton of work. There's a ton of work. There's a ton of work. There's a ton of work. There's a ton of work. I chose many fanny packs. So I have fanny packs all around like utility belts layered on top of each other with more snacks for Billy and guitar picks and things that I need with all my herbs and things that keep me alive. I have primal force.

So I'm deeply connected to one of the primal forces in the world. Decide what it is and how you're connected to it and how it manifests. Sean said it's probably fine if it's just the elements, which that sounds cool. Yeah. For the gear, I took force weapons pulse. It's one harm close area primal obvious. I don't know what that means. Primal obvious. So I think earlier when it was saying like pick the primal element, it's like, are you more connected to fire, earth, water, wind?

Like what is the thing that you feel the best at? And that's what all of these kind of flow through. I'm totally fine with you switching between them. It may just be like an act under pressure role or something if it's a kind of a tent situation and you're trying to go from water to fire or something. Okay. Okay. I like doing. Uh, air instead of water. Okay. So that kind of fits with slippery and pulse. Cool. Like a fart in the wind. Mundane weapons.

I took brass knuckles cause I have all those rings. So that just makes sense. Which gives me a one harm. Uh, my ratings. I got a charm minus one cool plus two sharp minus one tough zero weird plus two. And, uh, Sean in a departure from the norm. Why don't you tell us about Perel's playbook? Yeah. Yeah. So the first one is the exile. The description is what is this place? Am I in hell? One moment fighting the devil spawn sword to claw the next time surrounded by all this light and noise.

Why are you pointing that at me? And what is it? What manner of clothes are these sounds? There's a creature after it. So the exile is someone from a fantasy world who has been thrust into the modern day. My ratings are charm plus one cool plus one sharp plus two. And weird plus one. I'm supposed to choose an origin. And the reason that I've been transported to the modern day is a magical accident or side effect. I was supposed to take gear, but Perel traditionally doesn't carry any weapons.

So he very unfortunately is unarmed in this world, but he may or may not have access to some form of magic on this side. So he should be all right. In terms of what he looks like, Perel came through the portal wearing a sort of light tan Capri pants, a white tank top and a Hawaiian shirt with glasses. And once he passes through the portal, he's wearing a light tan Capri pants, a white tank top, glasses, and a Hawaiian shirt. But the Hawaiian shirt now has a tag that says Tommy Bahama.

And that is the exile. That was the one kind of qualifier I gave to Sean when we first started talking about this idea. I was like, I have to give you fair warning. I love Perel. And I know that that may not go over well. You know what, man? You're one of the few. So you all step out into the subterranean lair, four of you much different than you were when you stepped through the other side of the door. Yeah. Tuck does a sick guitar riff as soon as he walks in on the TLC X.

And by sick, I mean, it's really bad because he doesn't know how to play music. Whoa. Okay. You all look great. Really? I look like I used to be in a band. Yeah. You look great. Billy. I look good, don't I? Whoa. Look at my forever fanny pack. And look at all the snacks that came with. Wow. The next hour and a half is just Billy pulling out snacks and cheese puffs and cheese strings and cheese slices. And a fruit leather, not good, but some nuts and a cheese box. A beef jerky. Oh, man.

I can't wait to show you all the snacks that we have here. That's going to probably have to wait, though. We really need to go hunt. And I think, Perel, this is kind of unusual for you, too, because it's the first time in a long time you feel the touch of magic coursing through you. Yeah. Perel is kind of jittering around a little bit. He's got pins and needles all over his body and is doing that. Like looking at his own hands kind of thing. And he had barbecue sauce on him.

No, I think I've got barbecue sauce in me. You know what I mean? I do. Yeah, man. Yeah. It's a good feeling. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know what this means yet, but I feel so good. And he starts doing squats and is like, listen to that. You can't hear my knees click at all. Oh, my God. I haven't felt this good in 100 years. So you guys live in this sewer? So it's just the sewer then for your living situation? Is your whole world sewers or is this like a specific sewer?

This is kind of like our main base of operations, I guess. This is the main sewer. But if you go up the sewer, that's where the world is. And we spend most of our time there. It's also kind of like a sewer, but just in a different way. We also spend a lot of time in a castle, which is in a mine shaft. And also, sometimes I live in a mine shaft. And I live in a mine shaft. I live in a penthouse in Chicago with my mom, who's a mummy. But when we're not there, we're usually here in the sewer.

And Tuck's like, hold on. You live in a penthouse in Chicago in this real estate market? Blows past the castle in a mine shaft thing. She's had the lease for a really, really long time. It's rent controlled. Okay. So do we have an idea where this guy's heading right now? Well, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. The vision that I had was down in the sewers, ironically, near Monument Circle. You know, you guys keep saying that your whole world's not sewers, but so far, all you've really described is different sewers. There's sort of a magnetic attraction of the occult to the sewers. It's like a safe place away from prying eyes. Yeah.

If you're going to do secret things you don't want people to see, you're going to put it in the place that people don't want to go. Yeah. So like magic, you know, orgies. Oh. That's it. How many sewer orgies are you going to, Jake? That seems unsanitary. What? Me? No. You said that. You guys have to do orgies to do magic? Is that what you're saying, Jake? That is what I'm saying. Let's just go ahead and codify a lot of things that I say. But Pearl's a virgin. He can't.

Billy, you know that I have children. I didn't know that. I thought we were your children. I thought you adopted. Dude. Dude. You just have virgin energy, so it's easy to forget. I don't want to get into it, but technically when I became a wizard, technically I became a virgin again, but it's not really the point. Born again wizard? It's not really the point. I had to take a whole oath. I got a ring. They gave me a special ring. I made a promise. I made a promise to the big wizard in the sky.

I made a promise to the big wizard in the sky. Yeah. It's called a re-hymenization ceremony. Sorry. Sorry in advance if that was so fucked up. I'm just glad you said it instead of me. Well, actually, what's the magic situation in your world? Is it like all over the place? Technically, yes. It is present, but sort of hidden. Only those that really understand. That it's real can use it. So most of the population doesn't really know it exists.

But people like us that have to, you know, fight sort of insane monsters are well versed in its existence. You guys have Wi-Fi hotspots though, right? Yeah. I mean, I think we have one down here. Whoa. Perel puts his hands up. Go where? What? Where? Oh, we talked about this. Yours are different than ours. Yeah. Those two. We call ours ley lines. Ley lines. Oh, sorry. No. That's a cool name. Because the lines lay in different places. Yeah. In the ground. Huh? Yeah.

Rev, since we're like back in this world now, would it stand to reason that Destiny's play thing might activate? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Okay. Yeah. If anybody has a beginning of mystery move, now would be the time to roll it. Ooh. Except Kim, who already did hers. Hey, Rev, can you just tell me if I have that? Yes. There's so many words on that. There's so many words on this thing. Like, do any of the- Come on, guys. It's fucked.

Anything bolded, if it's followed by at the beginning of each mystery, then that matters. I don't think Abdul has one. I'm looking. I don't think Billy has one either. So, like, as we're talking about this magic and that it happens sometimes and some of us understand it, there's like a layer of gold that just covers my entire eyes and I sort of go blank and then blink out of it. I rolled an eight. So, on a seven to nine, I get a vague hint about the coming mystery.

So, what you see in this vision is a map that has Monument Circle on it and some X's around it and they look kind of familiar in the sense of, like, placement of areas of power or for a ritual. You see things being planted and then you see a hole where Monument Circle used to be and it's not like, oh, someone has dug this up. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, that one was awkward. Okay. I saw something.

I turned to Jake in particular. It was like one of the original circles, kind of, like a placement of power and items or something. And the monument was gone. It was like it was pulled into the void and things were spilling into it. I mean, could you get us to the spots that you saw? I think so. I can get us close to a few, maybe. All right. Well, if we've already seen him underground, then he's presumably hit at least one of these already. How many were there? Six.

Maybe we can sabotage some of the places he wants. And if we sabotage these other sources of power, that could stop whatever the man in black is attempting to do. I don't know if it'll stop it, but it might at least slow him down. Or piss him off. Either way, it's better than him succeeding. All right. Well, let's go to the next sewer. I guess. You're just going to head down this sewer, take a left at the next sewer. You're going to go two sewers past that.

The word sewer is losing all meaning to me down here. Nice down here. Can't we just take a car? I've got my moped. I can take maybe one person. Dibs on that. Whatever a moped is, it sounds fucking cool. And I think I'm an appropriate size for it. So I'm going to get on that thing. Y'all, I can get us to the general perspective. We're in proximity, but we're going to have to spread out and see what we can find. Last time that we dealt with sort of large-scale magic like this, they used rooftops.

I mean, if we can get to Monument Circle, I can try and see if I can pinpoint where this guy is right now. Okay. Yeah. Let's get going. We'll just hoof it. What is Monument Circle? Asks the player, Abdul, who's never been to Indianapolis. And the character, Tuck, who's never been to Indianapolis. It is like the very…

The very center of downtown, where all the roads, like the east, west, and north, south streets that hit the center, hit just kind of a big roundabout that's got a giant spire monument in the middle of it. Oh, cool. Oh, cool. And we battled a thunder lizard there on public television. Cool. Whoa. What's television? What's a… Our whole episode is just explaining. We know. We're not amazed by a thunder lizard. Yeah, we've all seen a thunder lizard. We've all seen a thunder lizard.

Yeah, Billy's last quote-unquote birthday, we bought him a thunder lizard. Nice! Yeah, and I've bought him two. All right, so you all head out of the sewer up to the streets of Indianapolis and towards Monument Circle. I think the four of you, the first thing you notice as you approach Monument Circle is that it kind of looks like, from your world, the water tower. Only a… Upside down. Like, the structure of it is kind of if you inverted it. But they look strikingly similar.

This is like a Marison McCall. Yeah. This is like an Amerisa water tower. Cool. And look at all these motor bears. Instead of legs, they have wheels. And no faces. And I don't mean… I don't want to be that guy, but have you noticed that, like, almost everyone is a human? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That's our world. Huh. What happened to all the other… What happened to all the others? Yeah, where are the halflings? Like, am I not allowed here? Where's all the normal people?

I don't know how to answer any of this. Like, any of this. And when Tuck materialized in this world, an iPhone 13 materialized in his pocket. And he's like, what? What is Twitter, and why is it being so mean to me right now? That is one of the worst evil creatures in our world. Stay away from it. Who's Elon Musk, and why is everybody so upset about him? Why is all four of these chans so angry? I'm going to be honest. I think that your guys' Wi-Fi hotspots are way more dangerous than ours. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Ours just reactivate ancient magical artifacts that could kill… Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I might just go back with them, honestly. I don't blame you.

Okay, yeah, as we get to Monument Circle, I'm going to, you know, dodge across the street as soon as there's no cars coming and get up as close as I can to the center and try and reach out with my mind and see if I can figure out where this guy is. All right, roll tune in. 11. All right, you get a hold three. Where is the creature right now? Right now you get a sense that he is almost directly below you. What is it planning to do right now?

Right now it is moving on to the third place of power to set up the totems and the ritualistic pieces that they need to complete the spell. How can I attract its attention? Right now he doesn't think anyone really knows he's here because the one person who seemed to be aware of him, he thinks he's sent back to where he came from. So even just interrupting him will get his full attention. But you could also… You could also go back and disturb the two previous spots that he has set up.

It seems like he would have an awareness of that. Can I use come get some to bring him out at me? Tell me what that move is all about. Come get some. You can challenge your foes to fight you alone, maybe in words or maybe just by being the biggest, baddest bastard in the team. Roll plus tough and on a 10 plus, they all go for you. On a seven to nine, they go for you mainly, but maybe one or two, two of your comrades are getting marked too. On a miss, they come for you harder than you expected.

So let me ask you, how would you use this on him, not having eyes on him? Like what would you do to get his attention wherever he is? Oh, knock down the water tower. Yeah, can I use property damage to knock down the water tower? You absolutely can. Yeah, I'm going to do that. Oh, Jesus. I turn. I turn to Jake and Tess and Megan and Kim and I'm like, I don't know how important this monument is, but don't worry, I have a plan. And I run up with the axe with TLC and I just like smash through it.

Is this a roll? You can smash your way through almost anything. This is property damage. If it's at all possible to destroy an inanimate object with the tools at your disposal, you can roll plus sharp to work out how and a 10 plus you can pulverize it, no trouble. All right, roll plus sharp, because you do have a magical axe that cleaves through stone and other things. Okay. So that's a one. And another one. And I sharp as one, so that's a three. I got snake eyes plus one is a three.

Ooh, the three-eyed snake. Wow. Oh, it would have been fine as long as they have it back up by Christmas. They hang the lights on it. And then we're on TV again at Monument Circle. You would have made the news yet again. So the group of you see Tuck, pick up the axe and just sprint at the monument. What goes wrong here, Tuck? Like, why doesn't this work? Well, Tuck's not really familiar with roads or traffic signs or traffic laws.

So he's like starting to Hulk run and then he hits the road just as it turns, just as the lights turn red, gets hit by a few cars. Pew! Like the talented Mr. Ripley. It's like Meet Joe Black. It's like the scene in Meet Joe Black. That's what I meant. That's the one. Just clobbered by a bus. Yeah. Talented Mr. Ripley is I would get killed by someone hitting me with an oar on a rowboat. And then he becomes you. Somebody was pulling a rowboat through town and they also sideswipe you.

There was a Subaru Forester that had a canoe on top of it that really did some damage to my nards. Like you got hit, flipped up and landed in the rowboat. Yeah. And then the person in the rowboat was like, get out of my rowboat. He was riding in the rowboat on top of the car. The whole thing. Don't forget I look and I'm dressed like Slash from. Oh, we haven't. Yeah. I'm going to like, I guess, run out and try to like stop traffic, like put my hands up so he doesn't just get pulverized. Yeah.

I mean, just someone kind of techening into the air stops traffic. Okay, perfect. Then I'm going to run over and like check on him. I'm like, fuck, are you okay? Yeah. Yeah. Why? I pick up his top hat and dust it off and hand it back to him as I help him to his feet. I put it on and then I lean into Jake and I was like, hey, did anybody notice that that happened? No, you look back and we're all like. No, man, I don't think anybody noticed. I think you're, I think we're cool.

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Let's. Let's get out of the street. Okay, cool. Yeah. Well, he has traffic stopped. I'm like waving everyone over to get to my side of the street. Yeah. Well, there's safety. I'm just scrolling Twitter and slash gets hit by a rowboat is trending. Perel crosses the road at the crosswalk in a deep crouch with both hands extended to either side, delicately maneuvering between cars. Billy's crawling on all fours like a bear.

Trying to blend in with the creatures around him. There's a little dog about your size that is on a leash walking next to you and it gives you a nod. I give it a nod. Good evening. Rev, how far down beneath Monument Circle did it seem like this guy was? Not super far, maybe like 60 feet. Yeah, I say to everyone as we get gathered around. He's like directly below us. Like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. It's like 60 feet or so.

And he's already gotten to like three of these spots. He's setting items up for some sort of like spell or ritual. And he's on his way to the third one right now. He's already moving. So if we can distract him or get to one of the places he's already gotten to and like mess it up, it'll get his attention. But he thinks that the only person that knows about him got sent back. So he's working fast. Thing says, I mean, I can bend the elements in our world. I'm pretty sure I could do it here.

If this is just dirt, can I just can we plow down? I'm doing what we want to get to one of his other places. Having seen Tuck just get clobbered by three cars and a bunch of people stop and take pictures of him. Perel goes, well, there's a I don't think that the people here are used to that kind of thing. So it might draw a lot of unwanted attention. Is there somewhere more private that we could potentially bend the elements to our will? No attention is bad attention.

Well, I don't know if that's true here. Perel looks at somebody walking by with a gun. That's literally anyone. I. I mean, if he's below us, then that implies that he's probably in the sewers. Right. If we locate a manhole, we could probably sneak up on him that way rather than plowing directly through the earth. I mean, yeah, pretty much. If we just find one of the grading caps on the sidewalk, we can at least get down out of view and then move some elements and get lower down from there. OK.

To the nearest man's hole. Well, if we can. Hmm. If we can just wait. Like a minute. I think maybe I can do something and maybe have a little bit more advanced knowledge of what's going to happen that might help us out later. And I want to kneel on the ground and pull out my tarot cards and try to see through time. Yeah. And as you start to deal out your cards kneeling downtown, someone drops some change in front of you. That is a 10. All right. You get a whole three. Cool.

And I can use that later on to give any of us advantage. On a upcoming role. Cool. So is it like you see the future? It's a little bit Doctor Strangey in that I just sort of briefly see like possible iterations of the next like 24 hours of what we're about to undertake. And then I can use that information to help guide us to a more ideal outcome. Cool. In one of every of those iterations moving forward, Tuck is at a Fuddruckers. Is that a Fuddruckers doing some kind of eat as much as you can?

Yeah. Is that a Fuddruckers you can challenge? Because he's like, world's going to end anyway. So it doesn't matter if I'm in a cut phase or not. Might as well. Unfortunately, there is one where he's at Dick's. He's got the giant hat on. Yeah. Yeah. So I've run over to one of these just great. It's like big rectangular thin grates along the sidewalk. And I'm trying to heft one up because people downtown do weird shit like that all the time anyway. Yeah. No problem. No problem.

You're able to pull up one of these grates. And underneath it is a big opening in a ladder. Come on. Come on. Come on. Let's go. All right. I hurl myself down just straight down. I will scoop up my cards and the two dollars that I got and head over there. Tuck runs over and shimmies in. He gets stuck Winnie the Pooh style halfway and gets shoved through the rest of the way. I'm like jumping on him from up top, just trying to squash him through. Ving says, you got to lay off the wheat.

Like the gopher. Like the gopher. And then he jumps down in the hole. Like the gopher. He says that as well. Like the gopher. He's like, like my friend gopher. Who are you thinking of? Oh, yeah. Like spirit of gopher. You know gopher. Yeah. Capital G gopher. So you all find yourselves down in, once again, the sewer. You've really brought to my attention how much of a sewer theme to show we have. Oh, hey, don't talk about it like that. It's good. It's good. This is a work area.

There are a lot of electrical lines and things running down here. It is paved. You're not like standing ankle deep in water or anything. Okay. I would like to see if there's any clues around here. Yeah. So roll investigate a mystery as Billy starts to search around being one of the first ones down here. 2d6 plus sharp. Seven. All right. So you get a hold one. So you can ask one question from the list on investigate a mystery. What? What can hurt it?

So what kind of sign do you think that you see down here that lets you know how it was hurt? Did it encounter something? Did it catch on something that it wasn't expecting? Yeah. Billy's like touching the wall and tasting it. There's so many new flavors down here. And as Tuck is stuck in the grate, he could see Billy licking a sewer and he's just like, Billy, stop. He's trying to reach him. I'm finding clues. Bing is jumping on Tuck's. He's not licking the walls of the sewer. Is he? Come on.

Yeah. So Billy, as you are sniffing around and getting a taste for all of the walls and the floors down here to see what new is to be found, you do find an area where there is a little droplet of blood. You get that smell of copper. And actually what you notice is that sticking out from the wall, there is a barb of actual copper, like someone had cut a wire. Um, and then you get a little bit of blood. And left a good chunk of the metal on it. Still this, this copper wiring.

Uh, and it seems like as he was passing by, um, he leaned into it as he was doing something and it much to his surprise, penetrated his skin. Yeah. Take it with me. Okay. And show the others. How did you find this? It's just sticking out of the wall. There's blood on it. Look. Oh, I mean, I don't know how it works in your world, but like lots of things are weak to particular metals here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It is. Yeah. Like the menders use it. Do I still kind of have that ping of that direction where I was able to determine where he was? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. If I still have that kind of in my mind, then I'm just leading everyone towards that direction as we go through the sewers. Okay.

As we're walking, I want to dig into my bag of strange coins and start just like picking out the copper ones that are in here. Oh, yeah. That's what I was thinking. Maybe you got paid in pennies for your street tarot. Oh, shit. I probably. Yeah. Yeah. That's going to come in useful. I'll put them in this copper sock and we'll be all set. As we're going, do we see any more like loose wires and stuff that we might be able to strip? Why don't you roll luck? Okay.

Bro, you're talking about copper wire in downtown Indianapolis. It's been stripped and sold. You don't know. I haven't rolled luck yet. Are there any. Are there any air conditioners that nobody's gotten to yet? Six. Jake is correct. It has all been stripped out of here. Dang it. Perel is flexing his hands open and close and goes, I think I have an idea. And he finds something of some other kind of metal, like a piece of pipe or a wrench or something.

And he's really going to focus and try and transmute it into copper. This is sick. This is the first time Perel's done magic in a long time. This is the first time Perel's done magic in a long time. Tuck tells everybody. Yeah. You don't have to tell them that, man. Let's all look at him do it. It's the first time. Ving is recording this with Tuck's iPhone 13. All right. 2D6 plus weird, which his weird is actually quite low because this is not how he's used to doing magic. What's up, Periscope?

Tuck here. And my friend is doing magic for the first time in a long time. Tuck's the first person to use Periscope since 2018. The CEO of Periscope rolls off his cot in the headquarters. We got a ding. We got a ding. We're back. Unfortunately, I rolled a six. Can I help out? Yeah, absolutely. How so? I think Patrick Swayze ghosting him, helping him remember how it is to actually use magic and walking him through as he tries to do it. I don't know.

Exactly what he's going to cast, but I understand the tenets. Yeah. And you know how magic here works, too. So, yeah. Roll. Roll help out. Okay. Unchained melody plays. Perel kind of sinks into your chest. Hot. I got an eight. All right. So, yeah, that does bump Perel up to a seven. Hell yeah. Perfect. So, Perel, you're going to tell me what your effect is and then also pick a glitch and then I'll tell you how the glitch affects what you're doing.

So, the effect I'm going to choose is do one thing that is beyond. Human limitations. That being transmutation, which I understand is not a human ability. Yeah. So, this should work. I think I'm going to go with it has a problematic side effect. I think that for the moment, everything you touch turns to copper. Jake, your pants turn to copper as Perel is leaned back against you. I start to take a step as they solidify and just bang my knee against.

The inside of my own pants and fall over like somebody's tipped a statue. Oh, my God. He holds the wrench up and goes, whoa. Oh, my God. Oh, actually, that's amazing. And I want to lift up my shotgun to where all of the shells are in the little pockets on the side and say, will you touch just the red cylinders here real quick? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he touches it. And as it turns to copper, he goes. Okay. Maybe just the one or two. I don't. Really? I want to watch that again.

Ving walks up with his brass knuckles and puts them in like here. Please touch them. You can like turns his head and plugs his ears. Magic is so weird here, but oh, my God, I feel so powerful. You know, like if in my world, magic was like if we were like hoses, if wizards were like hoses connected to a cistern of magical energy, I'm like a rain catcher. Like I'm just filling up with whatever. I'm just filling up with whatever ambient energies in the air. I feel like I'm going to explode.

All right. Explode your hose at this, my friend. And then Proffers, one of the side view mirrors from the Subaru Foresters that hit him earlier. He ripped it off in retaliation. Yeah. Perel grips it, controls the shutter this time. I'm good. I wiggle my way out of my coppered pants. And stand back up in my underwear. I watch with rapt. Nobody doesn't watch with rapt. And Perel kind of flustered. Lexi goes, hey, thanks for the assist. Really. Thank you for the help there. No problem. All right.

So Megan leads you all through the sewers. What are you all doing as you're headed in that direction? Like, are you just sprinting ahead, running, trying to get there? Are you sneaking? Like, how are you traversing this sewer? I have encouraged everyone to proceed quietly and with caution and similarly pantsless. Everybody take your pants off. They make a lot of noise. He's going to hear us coming. It's not weird if we're all doing it. Done. Keep you wearing a dress. Yeah.

Thus, always pantsless. I've kind of got a tattered kilt situation going, but I'll lose that if you want. But straight up. I'm going to be real with. You, Jake. There's nothing underneath this. It's breezy under there. Yeah. Okay. I'm not mad at it. I don't know if you want this business, my friend. Billy's got some of his utility knives, like little daggers as he walks, ready to stab whatever comes. Yeah. I'm going to make sure everybody's like moving cautiously.

Like this dude stomped me and I don't want him to know we're coming. So get everybody sneaky as we go. Yeah. Yeah. Very sneaky and very just trying to like look out for danger or see if we can see this guy before he sees us. All right. So, Kim, why don't you roll? Read about situation. Eight. All right. You get a hold one. Are there any dangers we haven't noticed? Just up ahead as you are all starting to work your way through the sewers.

This whole area is lined top to bottom in cobblestones and you seem to hear him up ahead, but you don't see him right away. And then as your gaze starts to. Look around the various sides of the tunnel, you notice his shadow up ahead and above you. And very clearly, you can see that his form has changed a little bit. He is stuck to the ceiling with tentacles that are coming out from his pant legs.

His skin is purple and there are these wide gills on the side of his neck, fluttering open and close as half a dozen other tentacles come out of his sleeves, moving. Moving around, setting up the various pieces that he needs in place on the ceiling. Stop. Stop. Everyone. Stop. Everyone. Stop. Everyone. Stop. Well, you heard it. What an episode. If you want the next part of the story, you can go over to the Crit Show right now to listen to episode four. And next week.

Next week, episodes five and six. The thrilling conclusion to the Crit Show Spell or crossover will be released next Wednesday. Yeah. But right now, head over to the Crit Show feed. Links are in the show notes. Get that episode in your head. Yeah. God, I bet.! There's a ton of fun.

Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight Fingers have health, he shifts his shape, and wields a spear with great might Peely's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round friends, and listen close For the tale's about to start Hello everybody and welcome Paul and I just finished a new episode of the show We just finished our vocal warm ups And we are here for Spout Lore My throat is feeling open and loose But taut enough to say the things I need to say Hot, hot Come horse, come horse Sean, show me how loose your throat is right now I said what I said and I said it in a non-sexual way Show me how open And that's exactly how we heard it Hello everybody and welcome to Spout Lore I'm your game master Sean O'Hara Joining me as always playing Tacoma Dome Barbarian Abdul Aziz Hello everybody, I got a tight ass throat For the tightest throat in the game Alright, playing Velf Druid Paul Oppers Hey everybody, let me tell you about my tight throat ass Okay, and playing Fabuli the Halfling Thief Jessica Tai My throat is totally normal I will not comment on it Jessica's just texting Jessica's playing solitaire I'm not texting, I'm playing solitaire You used to do drawings I know Woah What the fuck?

You used to do drawings What do you mean?

That came with so much shade it felt You have so much, you used to do drawings Yeah, you don't do anything now Not just solitaire, you're not even doing it right You're playing Free Cell The vibe of this is so like the three of us are absolutely disgusting boys And Jess is just like I'm just gonna wait until they're done Yeah I'm not responding to this Fair enough, fair enough When last we left our heroes They arrived at the fortress of Lone Tree Hill Dominion of Jack the Pumpkin King Jessica just won at Free Cell Congratulations Thanks I feel a lot better I feel great Alright, so now would you like to comment on the state of your throat?

So loose and conversational The party arrived at Lone Tree Hill The fortress of Jack the Pumpkin King They continued to fight They continued their plan which was to put on a play slash wrestling match In an attempt to distract the Pumpkin King and his guard forces Long enough for the Crows and Wild Bill to infiltrate the fortress The play continued Some wrestling happened The Crows enacted their plan Stealthily taking out all of the guards in Lone Tree Hill While this play What are some highlights from the play that we can recall?

Tuck did PvP for the first time ever That's true Tuck hit Ving with a folding chair After he was blinded and deafened by an exploding music bottle Ving worked pretty good throughout this play And the Pumpkin King at the very end was offered a blade To take part in the finale of the play And you were able to get him down with some rousing cheers of Pumpkin King, Pumpkin King And the fortress was fully secured by the Crows The pile of food in the middle of town The stockpile Was distributed and turned into a great feast Which would be used to attract the pigs Tuck took down the walls The party hoisted the Pumpkin King by his own petard And put him in a little papoose on top of a flagpole Hoisted by his own papoose In which he was accosted or threatened by the Crow that keeps flying around and killing doves for no reason For no reason Ving was!

And the party spoke to Armand, a young halfling Who gave them some information on an elderly halfling woman Said to live on the edges of the Everwood And the Wittershins and Sunwise Rivers Called Nana?

Called Nana That is just called Nana by everyone Who collects things from the river and is said to have emerged from the river herself Oh cool Yeah Ving then summoned a bunch of spirits of air Which took the form of bats, birds, and the like And carried scents of Cooking food from the stockpile all across the Everwood Valley To attract Razortusk and his hordes Oh we had a little insight into Billy and Bill's past Yeah In which since childhood Wild Bill has been like feeding Billy, leaving offerings for him Yeah And receiving blessings in kind Very cool and cute Which in turn has turned him into a lucky adventurer Yeah He has survived this long by his luck Yeah And then as the sun set The hordes of hogs arrived And at their head Razortusk The War Pig Bam bam bam And that is where we find our heroes now Charging a formation of furious pigs with Razortusk at the head of the charge What do you do?

Ving has coordinated a bunch of the pieces of the wall And has little pikes so they're running along They have like battering rams Oh yeah Like a whole bunch of Halflings on either side Cool To make them more formidable Awesome Like a barricade I was thinking more like a log jam Oh yeah Okay Or like maybe the logs were bigger than them So they're like holding onto pieces of wood on the other side Like they're carrying a battering ram Oh yeah That's what I was picturing With different like antlers and horns And some of them are on fire at the front Hell yeah Okay so Ving is running along a line of halflings with makeshift war engines basically Cool What's Tuck doing?

He's out ahead He's running so fast Oh yeah He's like started Hulk running as soon as he saw Razortusk Okay what's Billy doing? Billy's gone into one of the houses And a lot of the grannies and grandpas in the village store a lot of like medicinal stuff One of them is fermented onion juice So he grabbed canisters of that And he's like running into the front and hurling them And it's like releasing this kind of like oniony tear gas Oh you're gassing them?

That's sick Oh that's a very smart move So last episode Tuck rolled deathless Deathless yeah To dismay his foes So you do get a plus one forward Yeah Is it ongoing or is it It's ongoing It's ongoing Plus one ongoing That was dumb of me And I imagine the charge is what is doing this Yeah Okay who are we resolving first?

I guess the gas makes sense to resolve first Sure The onion vapor Yeah So go ahead and roll the onion vapor Yeah So I'm gonna roll the onion vapor Okay So I'm gonna roll the onion vapor Okay So I'm gonna roll the onion vapor Okay So I'm gonna roll the onion vapor Okay So go ahead and roll 2d6 plus dexterity I guess for volley Ten Oh damn Sick Okay So with a ten on your volley Billy just hurls some jars of fermented onion juice into the front of the charging pigs which shatters and as they charge through like the cloud even a few rows back people are like ugh They start closing their eyes and watering And the pigs that charge through get a snoutful Oh yeah And are like start squealing as they charge through Nice And they're like reeling back and tumbling over each other Yeah and the ones that do come through come through disoriented like their eyes are closed they don't even see what they're charging at anymore Cool I will say Razortusk seems unaffected he just like plows through this cloud When he breathes it in the runes on his armor like glow for a second and then he seems fine Cool Yeah and then he just like snorts it out Farts it out Yeah he farts it out yeah I was gonna try and make it a cool image but it's gotta be a fart unfortunately Ving your halflings with their makeshift barricade I'm going to um fight with honor roll plus con for some chi And just let the halflings deal with the barricade on their own Uh yeah he's he's kind of uh leading by example he's gonna be like uh Tom Hanks and uh Zeb and Prev Ryan leading people into war Right yeah fight from the front Yeah Yeah or lead from the front yeah Oh yeah I got five Oh fuck Okay big fat fail Oh no Okay big fat fail for Paul I got one chi still but the enemies have the jump on me Okay so I think it's like you are like a Oh fuck Okay big fat fail Oh no Okay big fat fail for Paul I got one chi still but the enemies have the jump on me Okay so I think it's like you are like a Okay so I think it's like you are trying to lead from the front so you're like move this up here like get back like you're still calling things out Uh huh As the horde reaches you and you just barely have enough time to get your footing underneath you as they hit you like a truck Whoa What do you do to defend yourself as they start bowling you over I'm going to try and get above them so I'd like to call upon some aerial help I would like to summon my um call of nature and summon some some birds Yeah I would say that you do need to address the immediate danger of pigs on you right now Okay what's my uh leap over across a physical obstacle Yeah like basically you've got that super reaction timing where they hit you but you just jump Yeah Like leap right over them so you expend your chi for this fight by leaping out of the way of this danger and then summon birds Yeah I'll summon some birds Yeah You're basically like anime style like leaping into the air Ne ne ne ne Twisting coming to a stop and summoning the birds as you come back down so go ahead and roll um call of nature Eleven Okay Uh ten plus I get two requests plus my eager beaver so I get three requests Hell yeah So you summon a flock of birds Uh huh the crows The crows from the spirit world Crows from the spirit world Yeah Which come in the form of many crows Oh Crows in the spirit world are just regular crows Crows Oh that's sick I actually do really like that It comes in it looks like a giant crow it almost looks like coming through the sky up behind him maybe somebody sees and thinks oh my word cloud piercer is here and then it oh my word It was oh my word that made me laugh too Oh my word Oh my word Oh my word Wait we don't say oh my word all the time There's a very fancy boy in the Oh sorry Oh I say Sorry guys I'll redo that so you guys see this giant bird and somebody turns and says OMG it's a big bird Haha And then the bird the giant bird breaks into a huge murder of crows Yeah So sick Swoop down and pick up Ving Hell yeah okay so oh they're picking you up Yeah So now you're up in the air Yeah I'm like I have a crow body around me made out of crows Yeah Okay Oh cool So we'll call that spending one request One request I have two left Yeah So now you are aerial Great So sick Yeah I'm gonna do the thing where I fly over top of them Uh huh And shoot crows at them Shoot crows Crows just firing out like So scary though Being pecked Yeah You know that thing Yeah You know that thing that happens Where you shoot out crows But we'll cut to Tuck for a sec while Ving begins soaring through the skies the pigs disoriented by the onion vapor rampaging around Yeah But Tuck you are coming face to face with Razortusk With Razortusk He is huge I would say at the shoulder he like comes up to your shoulder almost He's yeah I think he's like an elephant almost in size Yeah yeah like rhino size maybe at least Yeah Yeah Okay Tuck is gonna do a war cry Okay And his war cry is running up to Razortusk Uh huh And punching him in the head as hard as he can Alright 2d6 plus Yeah charisma Okay Here we go Yeah Fuck you Razortusk Nine So you get to choose one or the other your enemies feel fear Can I aid Oh yeah shoot a crow at him Yeah Shoot him with a crow He does come on with a big car to draw his eyes so he doesn't see your big fist coming in Totally Yeah So I'm gonna go with Razortusk Yeah I'm gonna go with Razortusk Yeah I'm gonna go with Razortusk Yeah You two come up with two lives come in Oh yeah Yeah two two six plus bond I got five Okay Did it work You shoot me with the crow Yeah Maybe oh I think your failure might be that you're trying to get the spirit crows to help tuck Mm-hmm And it's gonna cost you a request Oh what You keep like missing Razortusk the birds are clanging off his armor Yeah So you fire enough birds at this this pig that your grasp on the spirits service is Yeah well cause they're starting to be like hey he's just throwing us at him him yeah this doesn't seem like we're helping I want to carry him around anymore it sucks but regardless tuck charges through the cloud of spiraling ricocheting crows oh yeah that's cool like there's a cloud of crows that are around razor tusk that are distracting him and then like through the cloud of crows tuck like does the jump somebody draw this and it's like he punches so hard his head goes straight into the ground yeah yeah and he like skids along the ground and has to like scatter his legs to try and get back up yeah they roll the hack and slash as well for the punch no I think the point I think the punch is the war clock okay so are you which which option are you choosing uh my allies take plus one forward so the halflings are emboldened by this absolutely they see tuck make razor tusk falter he bleeds yeah yeah there's like blood dribbling out of his pig mouth yeah billy you've thrown your onion juice where is billy like staying back or is he running forward I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't running forward he's picked up the broken bottles and he's wielding them like little weapons yeah super sick okay so you're running into the pig crowd pig pen yeah pig pig apocalypse yeah I like it so billy are you letting talk like handle razor tusk and you're dealing with like a group of the hogs themselves yeah with a couple rowdy ones rowdy ones well like rowdy like they seem like really insistent he's attacking pigs beat up people I don't know what pigs do they did they do this they're rowdy ones they want to beat people up we are the rowdy ones that's what they say that's what they're saying to each other they're like you and me bro we're the rowdy ones okay billy runs forward into the rowdy pigs and begins to slash away with his bottles yeah get away you little piglets I don't know and the half or the onion juice um it's spraying everywhere it's stinging their cuts yeah oh yeah they hate it they're kicking and snorting spitting all over the place um I want to aim for the pig and I'm going to go with the pig and I'm their snouts though oh yeah nice okay so hack and slash okay 2d6 plus strike I got two holy shit two one is three that's three that's not so good billy is going to get trampled by some pigs I think yeah so go ahead and roll a d6 four so you take four points of damage yeah as the hooves just like rain down around you shit Billy!

Yeah, being from up high, you see Billy just go down. Okay, I'm very elastic so I'm like pretty bouncy. Yeah, but not eight points of damage bouncy. He pulls up on the crows and does a barrel roll back over, swoops back over to Billy. So sick. Yeah, you come arcing down like a comet made of crows. The splashes, crows splash up in the air. Yeah, totally. And all the crows, they're just flapping and pecking the pigs, which are freaking out.

And I've gone and I've tied the tusk, the razor tusk, through my harpoon spear rope, through my saffron spear. So I have it like a rope dart that he can like swing around and kick towards things. So he's rope darting with the magical armor. That's fucking rad. That's cool, man. So I'll come down, I guess that's what, hack and slash with my weapon? That would be hack and slash, yeah, for sure. Okay. 2d6 plus strength. Ten.

So you deal your damage and also you can open yourself up to damage from the pigs to deal an additional d… Six? I'll definitely do that. Nice. Eight. Eight damage. Okay. You basically like stick around in the horde long enough to keep lashing out. Pigs are falling around you. Okay, cool. But the horde is overwhelming, so roll a d6. Three. Three damage. You're whipping your razor tusk rope dart around, just like cutting pigs down. Clang, clang, clang. Oh yeah, that's sick. Yeah.

But they do, they get a good couple kicks in. Tuck. Yes. Razor tusk is like pull them. Back up out of the mud and he is shaking his like armor off. There's just a great gout of mud that shakes into the air and he's kind of like like stepping around you. Yeah. But then you see him like lift his head up and sniff a couple times. That shit. And turn towards Ving. Oh no, right, because he smells delicious. Well, and he's got the horn. Oh, and I've got the thing, but both of those. Yeah.

Tuck uses, uh, what are you waiting for? I put Billy in danger. Yeah, I see Billy sitting next to Vig with a couple of broken cocktail onion bottles. Yeah. Slashing at pigs. What, didn't he have a sword like 20 minutes ago? His sword is in his cabinet. It's right here. Billy, Billy, draw your sword. I've got my sword drawn. Oh, shit. Billy looks up and drops the bottles and he takes out his sword. So funny that he's like, perfect. Weapon. Weapons. Finally, real weapons. This is a toy.

This is a toy. There's a sword in the toy. So yeah, you see Razortusk start to turn towards Vig and Billy. What do you do? Yeah, I do what are you waiting for to get his attention back. Perfect use of this move. When you cry out a challenge to your enemies, roll plus con on a 10 plus, they treat you like the most obvious threat to be dealt with and you take plus two damage ongoing against them. Oh, my God. Wow. Yes. Amazing. Tuck is too good at fighting, man. It's the only thing he's good at.

I guess that's true. On a seven to nine, only a few, the weakest or most foolhardy fall prey you're taunting. Yeah. When he sees Razortusk like put a bead on Vig because he smells delicious, Tuck pulls some bacon out of his backpack and he crunches on it and he goes, I think this was your mom, dude. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's fine. Yeah. I would be mad too. All right. Two to six plus con. She was hot as fuck. Yeah. Two to six plus con. You said your piece.

I love one of the things that I love about Tuck is that when he shit talks, he usually hits like a pretty solid line off the top and then he does not let it lie. He keeps going to ruin it. Yeah. So it's two to six plus constitution for war cry. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Is it the highest roll we've ever had? I think we've never had it. That's high. I got box scores. I have a plus three and I have a plus one. Wow. Yeah. Dear God.

That actually was his mom. Yeah. That's so sad. It is so sad. That's horrible. That's not happening. No, it's not happening. That's what he says. This is not happening. So Razortusk like hears you bite down on the bacon and you see his pig ear under his helmet like turn and then he turns his head. Oh God. This I'm in. This thing's huge. Like so spooky. It's like a monster from the dawn of time. Yeah. And you think that, yeah, this is like what humanity had to fight on earth in the ice age. Yeah.

This is how our ancestors got here was killing things like this. And you see a bunch of pigs start to turn towards you and like start charging. And then you see the runes on his helm flare. And the pigs turn away and continue. Oh, sick. He told them to go away. Yeah. And he gets down low. Whoa. And he starts kicking his hoof. Tuck does the same thing. And he charges you. I charge him. Well, cut to Billy. Billy. Oh, sure.

You are surrounded by crows that are attacking pigs, which you are also surrounded by. And to your right, I imagine is Ving. And halflings are tussling with pigs and crows. Yeah. Which don't seem to know who the enemy is anymore. The crows are like, all right, we're in it now. Start pecking, boys. Crows versus the world. That's how it's always been. That's how it'll always be. That shitty crow is still at the top of the flagpole with the pumpkin king.

Just pointing at doves and doing this, finger across his throat. But he's like, the crow's like picking, idly picking like pumpkin seeds and like flesh off the pumpkin. He's like, you know, I think. If I really get down to it, it all started with my mother. I just, that's the killing. It's the only thing that makes me feel anymore. And you hear Jack. You can see his mouth now because the crow's eaten a lot of the mouth away. I know what you mean. We cut back down to the bottom.

Billy, what do you do? You are in the thick of it. I see Razortusk charging at Tuck and I have one fairy child left. Oh, I would like to switch objects within view. Whoa. Whoa. Okay. What do we say? What do we think in here? Is it possible to switch the armor? Not all of it. Okay. Because it is not one piece. Right. Could you take the other tusk? Oh my God. Or the helmet? Because it seems to be the one that's controlling the pigs. Yeah. Can I try to take the helmet? Sure. Yeah. Okay.

What are you switching it with? The bottle. Okay. Yeah. Okay. I do think you have to roll for this because you are trying to take off something somebody is wearing. Moving. And it's a magical item. And it's a magical item and it's moving. Sure. So yeah, it'll be two to six plus charisma. Okay. Come on. Come on. Good. Fuck. Seven. So here's what I think happens. You focus so hard on the helmet. You're like, this is the only way I'm going to be able to help Tuck from this distance.

You're like, you like close your eyes and you really focus your fairy powers. And then you are on Razortusk's head. That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. The only thing where your child was is now a big metal helmet. And you see, you see Billy like on top of the pig that's charging around. It kind of works. It's fine. Gripping on like he's riding a fucking Bronco. All in the ears. Yeah. What the fuck? That's great. That's great. I don't like that. Tuck's like, ah, whoa. Yeah, totally.

I think the second Razortusk feels his helmet's gone and you are on him, he freaks out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

How would I aid I guess I could try and grab razor tusk yeah yeah that's true yeah you could try and like get a handle on him yeah I see billy appear on his head and his helm disappear and I was like what it goes it goes from us charging to me being like what's going on your fist is still up I like that because it's not even that you see the helmet disappear and billy appear it's just billy is there now and then tuck like immediately changes tactics as he sees like razor tusk start to go into like full rodeo mode yeah and he like jumps and grabs him to try and like keep him from it's like grabbing the bottom of a fucking bucking bull yeah it's like trying to save a rodeo rider by grabbing the bull all right 2d6 plus bond wow that's three plus one is four I guess okay so point yeah I mean I didn't fail yeah it's true no you didn't you didn't know I failed yeah you failed no no and I did take something away from ving for failing a bond so what am I taking away from you like he would fucking destroy me just kick the shit out of you just kick the shit out of it what's his damage is it like a d20 or something no it's high though it's a d10 here we go eight okay eight damage does it negate my armor it sure does why he's covered in magic armor like you know razor tusk starts kicking around and then his tusk like gashes you across the chest and you feel a pain you haven't felt in years where you're like whoa he fucking hurt me bad right because I don't usually feel pain when I get hurt yeah that's the oh this is agonizing yeah it's and it's funny because it probably hurts a lot because you just got gashed in the chest but because tuck doesn't feel pain yeah it's it feels even more painful because you're not used to it yeah yeah so there's just like a spray of blood as you get caught across the chest and take eight damage tuck hears you say that and he wants to say no it's not but then he's like cut it it's his fault I think this uh seven to nine for billy after this failure is tuck gets cut bad and razor tusk just starts rampaging around trying to get billy off his head and like gets away from tuck like you would oh fuck he still wants to fight you but now he's dealing with another thing yeah so you'll have to chase him down if you want to do that so I'm gonna do that so I'm gonna do it I want to get a hold on him fuck uh but billy you are being whipped around by this pig you got a pretty tight hold on his ears as he spins around your world is nothing but mud pigs and pain ving you're in it surrounded by foes and surrounded by the helmet I want to pick it up and put it on interesting so sick I'm gonna try and control these pigs okay you're part wizard I am what do you wow okay so first off it's a helmet for a big pig so it's not gonna fit you exactly I can shape shift your head my head to a hog's head you can't remember you can't physically shape shift anymore can I just borrow one of the other pigs heads no slice the pig's head off and then you push your head into it the guys I figured it out I mean okay five minutes just doing the most brutal butchery scooping scooping so much I've got to hollow it out man these things do have big brains so I think what's happening is you're trying like that's you feel that it's not quite it's not made for you yeah but you can feel something so you like reach out somehow okay should I roll plus wisdom yeah plus wisdom works two six plus wisdom does it mutate like the metal of the helmet I guess we'll see depending on how this goes ten ten yes okay so what we're gonna win because it has a bit of a we're gonna actually win this one you've never said that in a while this one you've never said that in a fight before that's so sick we win all the fights okay I think because you guys said it and it's cool and there's no reason for me not to do this I think you like yeah you reach out with your mind and the metal almost like senses a thinking mind I have the tusk and you have the tusk it's like already like it knows it's familiar there's a part of it that's here and that I've been I've been with it so it recognizes me as a holder of a piece of that magical armor and you did a communion of whispers with the tusk oh that's how that's how it is yeah so you feel this connection that you remember from when you commute and I like that the tusk in my on the end of my string goes like clang and it goes right in the middle like a unicorn cool as the metal like flows and shapes around your skull so cool I look like cool mcneato and unicorn yeah mcneato mcneato mcneato all right we're introducing the new mcdonald's characters today we've got mcneato he controls french fries he is the sworn enemy of mayor mccheese who now has psychic powers and is tired of how the burger people have been treated by the government um case genuinely that this is a comic book that should be made 100 yeah so the one thing you notice as this metal flows around you you feel this like magical connection between you and the armor and then you remember as it's flowing around you the problem that razor tusk faced was that he was sealed inside it as you feel the metal like form under your chin and like latch like a collar around your neck holy shit some of the the iron that's in my skin starts changing into runes too oh some of the like the runes of my skin are like being pushed out onto scales of armor so there's like integrated metal plates in your arm now fuck yikes that's pretty sick that's really cool and also spooky implications but he stands up really slow in the middle of this crows and pig chaos and then just like shh kind of like neo's stop just puts his hands up and the pigs just stop at least momentarily there is a pause in the story the war is over the fight is done we won john did you not hear his cool description he said it was like Neo.

But there is like… Name a cooler reference than Neo. But for a second, there's silence. Tuck. Razortusk is the only thing that is making noise right now. As he rampages around, Billy is getting whipped back and forth on the head of the pig. What do you do? I go, Billy, you're not tall enough for that ride. And I take TLC and I throw it at Razortusk trying to like slice the other Tusk off. In my head, I'm just going to cut the armor off one at a time. And Billy's on his head though? Yeah. Okay.

I'm around. Tuck's like, I have never missed anything in the history of the podcast. 2d6 plus dexterity. Holy shit. That's… Oh god. That's really bad. No, that's bad. Dexterity? Pretty cool. That's fine. That's straight up five. Razortusk is doing that kick spin like a horse does. Where he's just kicking back and forth and spinning in a circle. And as you line up the throw, you do that thing where you close one eye and you stick your tongue out. And you're like… Just full overhead swing.

You don't hit Billy. Because Razortusk, you see the armor flash. Like the runes on his body armor flash. And he spins around and like blocks it with his shoulder. And the axe goes skittering through the air. It's like he's got Iron Man armor on. Yeah. But the axe goes a long way. You see TLC just go Oh shit! And then splash in the mud somewhere. Shit! Billy. Yes. You are still in this for the ride. What do you do? I want to try to drive my sword through his head. Okay.

So actually, since he's still in rodeo mode, you're going to have to roll a defy danger first, I think, to even… Sure. Hold on by one hand. So strength, I guess. Seven. Okay. Seven and nine. If you want to make this attack, it will be the last thing that you'll be able to do on the back of Razortusk. I'm willing to risk it. Okay. 2d6 plus strength for hack and slash. Okay. Nine. Can I aid with the magical use of the armor? Because they're tied to his armor. Oh yeah! Maybe you can.

Maybe he's… Is there some sort of thing that Ving's body is like… They're like mech-ing the same motioning? I don't know. What's your idea of this magical armor? I feel like this armor has to work as one. Did we talk about this last time? I feel like I mentioned that what the idea of the armor was. Well, tell us again. It is designed for the war pigs to work in concert with their rider, but also to work in concert with the other pigs. Ving's kind of like the rider at this point.

Yeah, totally. So I think you could potentially influence Razortusk. I don't think the helmet controls. The armor, though. You know what I mean? No, that's fair. So Ving's gonna try and reach out and get him to calm to at least give Billy a better chance of… Get him to slow down. Totally. Calm him a little bit. Ooh! Six. Can Tuck try and aid an aid? How? By yelling to Ving that Billy's in trouble. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Because I think as soon as I lost the axe and got stabbed and then he took off, I would have been like, Ving! Billy's on Razortusk! That is a six, so I failed. Oh wait, but I have plus one ongoing. Does this work? Plus one ongoing is only with Razortusk. Okay. Yeah, so I failed. Okay. So Billy still gets to do his hack and slash, but he just also takes damage. Yeah. That's fine. Okay. So roll your damage. Three. Oh, pathetic. Pathetic!

And I think because you are trying to get him in an unarmored spot, his armor does not apply, thankfully. So you dig your sword into him, dealing him three damage and he basically like soccer kicks you. Like he throws you off of him and then kicks back while you're in the air. Ooh, ouch! And you're gonna take, oh God, so much damage. Five. Okay, so five. So he just wails on you in the air and you sail into the mud. Yeah. Hitting like a little meteor. Owie. Okay, so two failures.

What do we think your guys' failures are? Uh, we draw the attention of the other pigs. Yeah, I think the moment is past where Ving had like the surprise angle on them. Oh, maybe because he tried to like direct some of like the armor stuff. Oh, you broke your connection with these pigs. With the group of pigs to try and reach out to the head of the pigs. Yeah. So the fight kicks back off really quickly. And they smell how good you smell. Jack-o'-lantern.

Are you specifically smelling good to these pigs? Yeah. Yes. Remember the spirit thing that he tried to do made him smell really good. Ving, the pigs turn to you. Rage in their eyes. And hunger in their eyes too. And they all like surge towards you. And I suppose they deal you this damage. So roll a d6. Eight. Oh, minus three. So minus five. I will say that we have not dealt damage to any of these pig hordes yet, have we? The halflings are fighting the pigs too.

And I guess they would be technically dealing them damage. Yeah. And some of the halflings are dying too. Yeah, totally. Oh, dying? You brought it up, Jessica. I mean, it's a fight. Right, I guess we, Wild Bill. Yeah. Wild Bill has like, what does he fight with? A rifle. Grit. A gun. Oh, yeah. Like those western kind of guns. He stole us six shooters. Maybe he's got a crossbow. Oh, yeah. I like that he has, oh yeah, crossbow, great. Two little mini crossbows. Two little mini crossbows.

And then wrist-mounted crossbows too. And then also wrist-mounted crossbows. And then crossbows on his knees. Oh, knee crossbows. And a head-mounted crossbow. And one on his back. Yeah, one big one on his back. Yeah, for when he falls down. And he like bends forward and shoots like a cannon. Like Boba Fett. Like a mech suit. Yeah. Okay, you know what? We don't realize it because he wears such flowing clothes. Totally.

So he's got two hand crossbows and then he has like racks of bolts that he wears on his side. Oh, I like that. So he shoots and then he like, clack. Reloads. So sick. Click down his side and then reloads it. That's so cool. Yeah, so he's doing okay. You see him, he turns and he just ices a pig. It's John Wick style, like. Yeah. Headshot, headshot, headshot. Headshots only. I, dude, John Wick is so fun.

It's like he's the only man in the world that realized you can shoot someone in the head and kill them right away. And everyone else is like, is he allowed to just shoot us in the head? We keep shooting him in his bulletproof suit. Shoot him in the head. But he like, you know, gets battered by a pig that comes in behind the one he shoots. You see his like, one of his crossbows gets knocked out of his hand. He does a cool roll, comes up, shoots a pig. So sick.

And you do see how crows are going down, but pigs are going down too. Somebody roll a D6 for me. I got it. Okay. Two. So that two is enough that two of the groups of pigs have had their number reduced to the point where they only do two additional damage. Okay. So two of the groups have been weakened, but the halflings have lost a couple of their number. Okay. Okay. So Tuck. Yeah. What is your failure here? What was the thing that just happened to me? I tried to tackle him.

He gashed me across the chest. Yeah, you're like bleeding. You got a sheet of blood coming down your chest. And then I threw the axe. That's gone. And then Razor Tusk football kick Billy. And you failed in the aid. That's what it was. Right. So maybe the failure here is that Razor Tusks, you have become so little of a threat to him that he is no longer focused on you. Fuck. Oh, you lost your war cry thing. Yeah, like you've been like you have lost his interest almost. Okay.

It looks like he's shaking his head free of some heightened emotional state. And you see him look at Ving as well and start trundling trying to pick up speed. And he's going for Ving now? He's going for Ving. You see him snort pig sounds. Delicious. Okay. So I've lost the axe. Billy's in the wind. Yeah. And the guy is going for Ving who is now also being mobbed by pigs. Yeah. I think Tuck runs and tries to catch up with Razor Tusk and grab him by the armor on the back of his hide. Yep.

Like on his ass. Tries to grab his ass. Uh-huh. You're trying to grab this giant pig's ass. And yeah, he just wants to like basically pull him back and whip him. Whip him away. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So 2d6 plus strength. Okay. 11. Okay. So you just grab onto this pig. Yep. Haul him back. Like he's running. Yeah. And then he feels himself stop and start moving backwards. Yeah. And Tuck's like the shot goes back out into a wide and you don't know why it's happening.

And then it's like when Captain America grabbed the helicopter. I was just thinking about that. Exactly. It's slow. It's kind of slow-mo. He's like his muscles are flexing. So hot. Yeah, man. So cool. He's like, ooh. As you're being destroyed by another. Yeah, his head just pops up a bunch of things. Whoa. Yeah. And he wants to take Razor Tusk by the back armor and just like throw him back. Yeah. To like put himself between Razor Tusk and Vig. Totally. Yeah. And that works.

Just pick back and he stumbles falls and is like hurled a good couple meters and just rolls in the mud and starts getting back to his feet. Razor Tusk is kind of he's got a lot of false starts in this fight. Yeah. Yeah. He's probably getting pretty pissed off. Yeah. Tuck pisses him off even more. He goes clumsy bitch. Jesus Christ. Billy. Yeah. Your mouth and eyes and ears and nose are full of mud. They are. Your world is mud. What do you do? I hate it. Billy starts crying. I hate this.

I hate living in the mud. I hate being a little muddy boy. This is why you left. Yeah. This is why I left. Very familiar taste. Like that Billy left during the last hogpocalypse is like part of his backstory. He's like I can't do this anymore. He wipes all the mud like a kid wipes their like nose and face like on the back of his arm. Revealing his face. Before that it was just mud. He wipes off a streak of his face. He's just mad now. He's like a grumpy little boy. Mad.

So he takes a sword and he starts like stomping towards Razor Tusk. Oh, he wants to hack and slash. Okay. He's just storming across the mud. Billy, you it feels like you got thrown a million miles. Okay. Well, I can slash all the pigs as I walk towards Razor Tusk. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's cool. Hack and slash as you walk through this horde of pigs. Yeah. Eight. Eight. Okay. So you deal your damage. Billy's in murder mode. Murder mode. Murder. Four. Four. Okay.

You like cut down a pig if you so choose. You sorry. I'll do it. Okay. Yeah. You just whip your sword out. Yeah. Pig squeals goes down in the mud reducing one of the hordes significantly and you just keep stalking past. Yeah. Then you see Billy like just hack a pig. Oh my God. Blood sprays and Billy just walks past. You see him dragging his sword through the mud. Holy shit. Oh, he's so grumpy. He's so cute when he's grumpy. Fucking doing that Gears of War like sword drag thing. Totally. Yeah.

Yeah. Somebody comes in close and he's just like smash. Yeah. And you keep walking. You see Tuck like squaring up with Razor Tusk come up beside him. Yeah. Yeah. Sick. You look down Tuck and you see Billy standing in the mud with a sword covered in pig blood. You okay buddy? Yeah. I'm just mad. I'm a bad guy now. I'm gonna be a bad guy for the next little bit. Tuck, I don't want you to be scared, but I'm a bad guy for now. Yeah. Tuck, this is gonna be really scary. I'm about to be really bad.

Like when Billy goes full murder mode, like he gives us a heads up. Yeah. I haven't done this in a long time. Yeah. I mean before we were like you know Billy, it scares us a little bit when you go into really bad guys. So now you start warning us. That's really nice. I'm about to be a really bad guy. So Tuck, Billy, you're squaring up. Who leads this? Who steps first? I shoot first. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. That's classic. Yeah. Razor Tusk starts charging and your reaction time is like nope. Too fast.

So what are you doing? Uh, just swinging my sword around. So hack and slash 2d6 plus strength. Okay. Uh, nine. Okay. Would you like to aid me? Yes. Yeah. Sorry. How are you? How are you aiding Billy? Tuck like shoulder checks him in the head to like knock him to the ground to give you advantage on the nice attack. Uh, yeah, that's 11. Okay. So Billy, you get a 10, which means you can deal your damage and also open yourself up to danger if you want to deal an additional d6. I will do it. Cool.

Billy's in bad guy mode. Bad guy mode. You're being a bad guy. Eight. Okay. So this is kind of like a stand up fight for a second. Yeah. Like the three of you are within, you know, two feet of each other. Yeah. Just not to do the Marvel thing. Again, but Captain America and Bucky versus Iron Man. Totally. Like just bam, bam. And like Billy just slashes and tuck hits him and the pig pushes you both back and then you both come back in. Totally. Yeah.

So after I check him, Billy slashes and I see it connect tuck like punches him as hard as he can in his side and then tries to get his hand behind one of the plates of armor to pull it off. Oh, okay. Yeah. Are you doing this with a move? Because remember this armor is like magically resilient. I have the lie. Yeah. What's the lie?

When you leverage your fundamental lack of truth to overcome a magical or metaphysical danger role plus constitution on a 10 plus you ignore the effect completely on a seven to nine ignore the immediate danger, but choose one from below negative one ongoing until the threat is dealt with suffered D10 damage. Wow, that's a lot. The threat endangers an ally. So yeah, I could use the lie. To basically like treated like regular armor mitigate the magical effects of his armor. It's cool.

Yeah, could be a huge way to end the fight. Yeah, because if this armor means that he is able to coordinate these pigs because remember we've seen in the hog apocalypse so far when a pig is like sufficiently damaged. It just leaves like it's like something changes and it's like a pig again. Yeah, instead of a soldier in razor tusks horde. Totally interesting. Okay, so it's two six plus what plus con plus con two to six plus constitution God pray for me guys is 12. Yeah.

Okay, so that means metaphysically to tuck this armor is just regular armor nice, which means that if you were to roll another move you could potentially remove it. Oh, I can't just remove it now. No, it is overcoming the effect of the armor, which is invulnerability. Oh, okay. So we're going to cut back to Ving fuck being your family is up there slugging it out with razor tusk. You are absolutely like surrender halflings are going down around you.

Bill has just one of his he like pushes his way past a couple dead pigs and he's just covered in blood and mud and he's got one crossbow in his hand. He goes get up there son. Click click. I'll hold them off. That's so cool. Holy shit. Wow, he's like there's like a wound in his stomach. Yeah, holding. Oh, yeah, he's bleeding a lot. Yeah, Ving reaches out his hand to like touch his hand and it goes past him and he corrects his eyebrow. You look really cool. I owe you one.

He reaches up and he pulls his eyebrows off and he puts plasters them on to his he puts them back on his mustache. Yeah go and then he just turns and shoots a pig. He reloads and dives into the horde. Wow pulls the bolt out of that pig and reloads and shoots another pig. Yeah, Legolas style. He's reloading with bolts. He's already fired so fucking cool. I'm going to take the moment that wild bill afforded me to roll another fight with honor.

Okay, I'm exiting one fight and going into another totally get rule plus constitution to it 10. Okay, you get all your points three chi. Yeah. Okay. What do you do? So I'm going to cross the distance between myself. And a foe using up one chi get in there and deal my damage to a foe within reach. Oh sick. Okay, which is razor task. Yeah. So what does this look like? What is the crossing a distance between you and a foe look like?

I think it's like drops of mud coming up out of the thing and he's like to to guy like a stairway of mud is reaching him and he's hopping up over the of the hogs and they're like jumping up as they're going, you know, unless the ones like Boeing coming up sideways and they're trying to like get him as they're going. But they can't quite get to him sick. And then yeah, deal your damage. Are you doing the on back thing where you're running on them too? Oh, I love that.

Yeah, jumping from pig to pig. Yeah. Oh totally. It's one of them's like about to fight something. He's like stepped on. All right. My damage is d6 and I'd like to open myself up for an additional d6 that only works with hack and slash. Okay. Well, oh yeah, because you can roll your d6. Yeah, come on five five. Yeah. Okay, so he comes up like full on once I want to grab him by his ears and just headbutt him with his old helmet.

Oh, yeah, you jump off these pigs and come down and bong like a bell just slam this pig in the head and he's looking woozy tuck. You feel him like stagger basically and he's like struggling to stay up Billy razor tusk is like trying to summon some strength to fight back here. He's really like snorting and kicking but he it looks like he is. Losing steam. What do you do to ensure that tuck has the best shot that he can Oh, you know what?

I just get down to his level like grab his face and I say do you want to be free? Oh cool. That's sick. Can you use wealth and taste with this? Oh, I guess like freedom. Yeah, that's very interesting because you can make him want to do anything to get freedom. Yeah. I do. Yeah, I do that. Okay.

So wealth and taste is what charisma it's it doesn't say it just says when you make a show of flashing around your most valuable possession to someone present they will do anything they can to obtain your item or one like it Wow wealth and taste is not a role you can just do it. That's sick. So you you get down and say do you want to be free?

I have never known freedom and Billy just is like you could when you're free roll in the mud like this like flops into the mud and the razor tusk snorts in my home. There is no mud in which to wallow. I sought this for my kind. Oh, what must I do? Allow us to take off your armor. It shackles you. Will it hurt? I don't think so. And you feel this like huge breath come out of him as he settles into the ground closes his eyes. Do what you must nod at tuck. Did I hear that whole conversation?

Everybody hears this conversation. Oh, cool. Because of things voice voice of the forest right? Yeah, being quickly head button. I'm going to grab Zach's your lie work trick this pig into letting us kill him. It's traumatized. Oh, my God. All right, two d six plus strength. Yes. And yeah, I'm using the effect of the lie. I'm using the plus one forward. I have to like get my hands underneath his armor and like just try and rip the whole side off of him to six plus strength like a can opener.

And that is fourteen. So talk you get your hands in there. He's lying on his side in the mud and I get my hands off under like two plates and I just start to like lift and then I hear like ping and you see the runes on the armor like as you're pulling flash and then die. Yeah, it's like a flash and then die. Yeah, it's like a like they're trying to reactivate but like anywhere tuck is touching them. They're completely dim. Like it's like the armor is trying to fight back.

Yeah, you're feeling it pull back towards itself. Oh like a magnet. Yeah, just like yeah, it feels kind of like when tuck force that yeah, the little magic crystal into the danger room where it's just like like the world pushing back. Yeah, the world is trying to stop this from happening. Yeah, and he just keeps just reefing on it. Yeah, stubborn. Yeah, and then there's like a clang clang. Yeah, like the leather straps and buckles explode off of it. Does anything happen to Ving?

He's strapped into the armor. I feel like it should. Right? I feel like that armor will die. Oh, cool. I like that. I like that. So you feel like plates around the armor like begin to fall away like you're you and you can breathe a little freer. Yeah, and you feel the like urge to command. To tell pigs what to do. Leave your body. Tell me what to tell them to do and the helmet feels different. Yeah, it's loose like it's I'm getting really constricted.

Yeah, you kind of like you put your hands on the other side and you can just slide it up over your head. Removes the helmet. There's like on the inside when you look in there's like shit loads of like magic inscriptions and like what looks like circuitry. Oh, yeah, from the golden age. Yeah, pressed into his head. Yeah, I like that and his face is kind of reflecting that like almost like like like temporary scars. Oh, he's got circuitry burned into his face.

Oh, that means razor tusk has that too. Yeah. Yeah, whole body razor tusk. You can see like through the the bristly fur as he like lays there unburdened by his quest for a moment. He's breathing deep and burned into his fur. You can see scars that look like circuitry all over his body. Vink goes over and gently rolls him in the cooling mud to get him into the sty, which is like his goal that he's always wanted to do and just to soothe those those burns now that he's released from the armor.

He huffs out a big breath and sinks lower into the mud scratches belly. He kicks his little leg a little bit. I would rest a while. You've earned it. He just goes to sleep. What are the other pigs do the other pigs the crows like kind of stop fighting as they realize the pigs are like now reacting instead of acting. Okay. Oh, yeah, they're like backing away and like trying to escape and then the crows stop and the pigs scatter and then the crows start cheering like crazy.

And they're like hugging each other and screaming and just elated at their victory. You hear the pigs go. This sucks boys. Let's get the fuck out of here. What the fuck's going on? You guys remember how we got here? I just wanted to be clear to all the listeners at home. We did not want to do this. I fell asleep on the L and I woke up here. We're all from New Jersey. Trying to go to Coney Island to meet my buddy and now I'm here. I meant to propose to my girl on the Ferris wheel. Apollonia.

Apollonia. I'm coming back baby. I'm coming baby. And the pigs, some of them run, some of them walk, some of them lay where they are. Casualties of an unfair war. Halflings lay among them. A number were lost. We gotta check on Wild Bill. Yeah, Wild Bill is in the fray, right? Yeah, is he okay? He's not doing great. Oh shit. You find Wild Bill, he's leaned against one of the outhouses on the edge of Lone Tree Hill and he's bleeding quite a lot from his side. He's got a tusk.

Like it's like a gut wound? Like a snap dot. You see he's like got his pipe in his mouth and he's like struggling to light a match. Ving steadies his head. He's got his hands. He lights it. Boy. There was some war. Puff, puff. Cough, cough. There's a little blood comes out. Oh my god. We gotta get you somewhere. Ving, can you fix this? I mean I can apply a poultice if he can lie still. The thing is a poultice takes time to work and looking at Bill you don't think he has time.

Like how fast is he fading? How fast are you fading, Bill? Yeah. He is fucked up. Is there any way I could use Fairy Child to heal him? Do you have any Fairy Child left? Fuck. No I don't. How close to morning is it? Oh good question. Because it was night time when we started the fight. Yeah. I guess it's a few hours. Because the fight didn't last like you know multiple hours. I feel like Billy is desperate enough that he thinks he could do something. Mm-hmm.

Is it like a luck roll to see if he likes it? If he lasts till morning? I guess so. Does he have Fairy Child can actually heal him? Maybe it's a flat 2d6 like a last breath roll. Oh you roll last breath on his behalf? Is it? How do you feel about that? What does that do? So with last breath you roll. Just straight. Nothing. Death doesn't care how tough or cool you are. On a 10 plus you've cheated death. You're in a bad spot but you're still alive.

On a 7 to 9 death himself will offer you a bargain. Take it. Take it. Take it and stabilize or refuse and pass beyond the black gates into whatever fate awaits you. On a 6 or less your fate is sealed. Okay. Okay. Let's see what happens. 2d6 flat. 4. Okay. Billy is like panicking and he's like digging through Ving's pockets for more poultices and he's you know looking at the sky wondering like well when is the sun gonna come up like I could do something. Billy the poultice takes a while.

Yeah but what if the sun comes up? The sun yeah the sun will be up in four hours. But like what if it comes up faster? The sun comes up when the sun comes up. I'm sorry. But Bill what if you like hang on a little longer? You got me pretty deep Billy. But you survive everything. He like smiles. Not this time. I made sure you do. Bill sees you like looking at him and trying to like figure out something you can do and he like reaches out a hand. Okay. Change is natural.

And he looks to the lightning sky far away. River's turning for me now. I'm headed up the sunwise way. And he looks at you. Says I'll see you next time around. No Bill you know just keep breathing because the sun's almost up and I I think you'll be fine. You just have to hold on a little bit longer. You sit with Bill. The Everwood is silent and peaceful for the first time. The first time in a long time. And Bill's holding your hand. And Billy you can feel the fairy like rising in you.

And the power growing. And the first beams of day climb over the hill. And as the light touches his still form. Bill? Bill is gone. Bill?!

Sleep time my little baby Sleep time sweet little baby Yeah Step gently on the flowers and greens Let the water carry you to sleep Time to sleep my little baby Time to sleep sweet little baby The river runs deep But it's blue as can be Let the water carry you to sleep Rest your head my little baby Rest your head sweet little baby You might wake among the forest and the trees Let the turning river carry you to me Let the turning river carry you to me There's a rainbow coming up Dream, dream my little baby Dream, dream sweet little baby You won't get lost In the summer or the frost The river will always guide you home to me The river will always guide you home to me

Hey, this is Sean from Spout Lore. We were told the trailer we submitted was too confusing and didn't talk about the podcast and did talk about the 1999 Heath Ledger movie A Knight's Tale way too much. So we've been asked to submit another one with actual information. Spout Lore is a fantasy RPG podcast about three idiots bumbling their way through the magical post-apocalypse, dealing with the fallout from their attendance at a small town hot dog festival. What the fuck is that?

It's like an early 2000s road trip comedy with swords, monsters, and more improvised world building than you could shake a stick at. It's Spout Lore, a podcast for best friends by best friends. Okay, Ryan, is that better? You f***. Is this what you wanted, Ryan? This way you wanted headphones on me so you could hear this? We could yell at you in the trailer. Spout Lore is proudly a Spout Lore Studios production. A podcast. A podcast for best friends by best friends.

Okay, so guys, the people at Fable & Folly sent me an email, and we need to record a regular podcast trailer. I've written one. Could I read it to you? Yep, of course. Sure. Okay, here we go. Come on down to the Spell Lord Podcast Corral, and we'll get you into a brand new podcast today. We got fantasy podcasts. We got comedy podcasts. We got podcasts that give you that sitting around the table with your friends feeling. And the best part, it's all the same podcast.

A podcast about three bumbling idiots both causing and fighting all of the world's most dangerous and catastrophic problems while finding the opportunity to go to as many diners as possible. Hot damn. That sounds like the podcast for me. Come on down to Spell Lord just off the I-55 across from the IHOP or wherever you get your podcasts. Spell Lord is proudly a Spell Lord Studios production. A podcast for best friends by best friends. Spell Lord.

All right, get ready. We're going to try and describe our whole show in 60 seconds. Sean, are you ready? Well, I have some questions, I think. Here we go, Sean. Yeah, three, two, one, you gotta go. Okay, about 100 years ago, an event called the Exodus robbed the world of all magic and the golden age of Thaumaturgy came to an end. And from the ashes of that world rose three idiots who will do their absolute best to make everything way, way worse. Listen to Spell Lord.

Listen to Spell Lord, please. We didn't say the name of the show. We are so stupid in real life, too. Listen to Spell Lord. Or else. Spell Lord is proudly a Spell Lord Studios production. A podcast for best friends by best friends.

Hello everybody and welcome I'm your game master Sean O'Hara joined by Abdul Aziz Hey everybody And Rev from the Crit Show Mmm Wait wait wait I gotta you want me to do lifting already I'm just here Just a sexy like I listen I've been catching up on your show and I'm mimicking the noises Abdul makes during your recaps Oh I appreciate that for versatility it's important to keep the listener engaged Yeah This is a very exciting time Yes We've got a special somebody help me out here a special partnership to announce A crossover of sorts A crossover Yeah Like if you if you've ever seen if you're when you were a kid if you watched the Flintstones Meet the Flintstones Meet the Jetsons This is how I pitched this idea to Abdul Yeah it's like the Flintstones meets the Jetsons but with your favorite RPG actual play podcasts If you want to see Tuck and Billy and Ving in modern day Indianapolis Yep You'll see Tuck using an iPhone We referenced the Travago DILF a lot Oh yeah I do remember that I do remember that And we'll see the You'll see him get techened into the air by an automobile Oh yeah Right cars Yeah We'll see the Crit Show crew head to the mean streets of the city of McCall Oh yeah Yeah That is coming your way in just a couple of weeks And the way that it's going to work is we are sharing the releases Spout Lore is going to host the first episode the third and the fifth And we are going to have the second the fourth and the finale A six episode three week release event Holy shit Six episodes in three weeks That's Yeah It's borderline too much It's borderline two episodes Six episodes a week Mark your calendars everybody Because this is the crossover event your parents warned you about This isn't your mom's crossover event Yeah We're selling you the whole seat but you'll only need the edge The edge It all begins on Wednesday August the 7th You're going to get two episodes that week The next week you're going to get two more And the final week you're going to get two more again Again Again Again Again That is six episodes of crossover What an incredible value It'll be amazing We hope you enjoy You

Spout Lore is brought to you by listeners like yourself. If you want to check out more stuff or give us a support, go to www.pat… I'll start over. It sounds like a fucking AltaVista ad. Gather round, friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes, noble and bold. A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old. You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring. So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing.

Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight. Fingers have health, he shifts his shape and wields a spear with great might. Billy's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart. Best in bread. They may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts. So gather round, friends, and listen close. For the tale's about to start. Hello, everybody, and welcome to Spout Lore. I'm your game master, Sean O'Hara.

Joining me as always playing Tacoma Dome, the barbarian, Abdul Aziz. Hello, everybody. Playing Ving, the half-elf druid, Paul Oppers. Hello there. And playing Fat Billy, the halfling. We've just got to die. Hello. When last we left our heroes, they began their journey from the roost headquarters of the Crows to Lone Tree Hill, fortress of the Pumpkin King. They came in the accompaniment of the Crows themselves, as well as their leader, the mysterious and cunning Wild Bill.

The party accompanied these halflings across the blasted wastelands of the Everwood Valley on their journey to defeat their foe. And I'm remembering that the original plan was to go take over the Pumpkin King's horde so that we could use the pile of groceries, as Jessica put it. Yes. To attract the Crows. To attack the pig. Yeah, to attack all the pigs. Attract the pigs. And then- Take down Razortask. Take down Razortask. Take his armor off and the hogpocalypse forever.

That's ultimately what we're trying to do. Yeah. Okay. So that's an important thing to remember. That's good. Let's put a pin in that. Let's put a pin in that. That's where we started. Because we're in the middle of a wrestling match right now. On stage. Right. Right. I forgot. Okay. So on their way through the lands, they discovered a massive barricade of discarded furniture from surrounding farmlands, protecting an intact field of corn.

The party traveled through this towering pile of detritus before one of the younger members of the Crows. Made the classic Aladdin blunder of touching a shiny thing that he saw in a dangerous place, bringing the furniture crashing down. Ving solved this problem by summoning the spirit of an elk who formed a body out of the furniture. Also creating kind of like a city bus. And then you guys had a thing to ride. Your new friend Dodge, the giant elk made out of furniture. The party continued.

You arrived at Lone Tree Hill having made probably six or seven different plans. On the way there. Landing on Billy will illusion all of the halflings to look like potatoes in the butt of the elk. And then Trojan horse into Lone Tree Hill and use that as a sort of surprise attack to gain access to the Pumpkin King's hoard. Totally. And then we arrived at Lone Tree Hill. Yeah. And then you approached the people on the wall. The problem was. Paul. Started talking before anybody else was.

Don't use my name. Have I got a good idea now? So Ving took points. That's how I captured the audience. Ving took points on the on the arrival and immediately announced you all as a circus. As a circus that was was wanted to give food. Yes. For the privilege of performing. That food then being added to the hoard where we were eventually trying to get. Uh huh. I think was maybe put some of my reasoning. But that's also not how circuses work. Oh no, no, no. They take money to perform. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It did work though. The halflings said that while they wouldn't allow you in. Sorry, Sean. Can you say that again? The plan did kind of work as the halflings didn't say that you could come in, but they said that they would come out and they would watch your performance. So you started setting up a sort of. Setting up a stage chairs, the whole deal. Yeah.

Tuck rigged up some pyrotechnics and failed miserably unknowingly creating a series of bombs along the front of the stage that will explode at some point. Yeah. I packed a bunch of music bottles with gunpowder and I was like, these are going to look so pretty. Yeah. I love the smell of spotlights in the morning. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, and the, the play began sort of a combination of perfect strangers and Lucha Libre wrestling. Yeah.

Billy came out with a mask and a cape being was dressed like a also him. I think he also had like a cape on. Yup. And tuck was dressed like a Harlequin clown. That's what it was. Yeah. Cause when I introduced them, like it very quickly evolved into just like a wrestling match with some backstory, a little bit of backstory, but the crowd clearly wants a wrestling match. They want a wrestling match. Yeah. Dodge. The elk was brought inside as a gift. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

And they're like, we're heroes now. Tell me the scene that we are seeing play out on stage right now. Where are we at in the performance? I think we're still squaring off and maybe giving too much backstory. Okay. Okay. Yeah. That part of wrestling, you know? Yeah. Right. Okay. So let's start with some exposition then from the characters. Our uncle always liked you better. Yeah. No wonder. Right. And Billy flexes. And the audience goes, ooh. And the halflings clap. Yeah. Get them.

And he goes, yes. And they go, boom, boom. And Billy goes, how's the weather? And Billy goes, how's the weather? And Billy goes, how's the weather? And they're like, we're up there. And the halflings go, ah. They love that. They love roasting tall people. And then Tuck takes one of those metal sheets and makes a thunder sound with it. And spits on Ving. Okay, the spitting. What can you do without the spitting? You'll find out the weather when I launch you into space.

And then we start doing a little squaring off around each other, you know? Yeah. Boom. Boom. And we get them to just clap their, stomp their feet. Jump. Jump. Jump. They start stomping and clapping. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Yeah, gravy. Let's give it up for gravy.

Gravy, gravy, gravy. The gravy Libre. And then I go, or the stupid bitch. I could tell what the crowd wanted. I was just going. Okay. You can see that the halflings are not interested in the perfect strangers. Like the unit isn't really is. And now it's a, it's a, we have common ground. We're here to find common ground to learn from each other's customs. I think that the halfling might win. And you can see guys up on the wall, the pumpkin King.

He crosses his little arms under his big pumpkin helmet. And he kind of starts to turn away. It seems like he's bored. Oh no. And you know, we cut like the camera cuts to the inside and you can see a bunch of potatoes in the ass of this elk start rumbling around. Yeah. And like moving. So if you, if you don't keep the pumpkin King's attention. Okay. Dude, you got to play it up. Like you're the bad guy. I am here to eat the hearts of each and every halfling. Well, it defy danger charisma.

Here I go. Sick. I got nine. Oh my God. Oh, I aid. Okay. Okay. Billy pulls out his jingly sword and he takes out the blade. He's like actual intrigue. Yeah. No. If I eat yours first. Whoa. Shit. Okay. So that's a failure. So it's still a seven to nine. Okay. Um, as a four, which means something bad happens to Billy. Um, Billy, uh, didn't grip it properly. The, the, so he cuts his own hand. Oh, he cuts his own hand. He has his blood going everywhere.

So, so Finn goes into a scared mom mode and then drops the, I'm going to eat your heart and goes into, you've got blood on your hands. Oh my God, Billy. Oh my God. What have you done? This is a foreshadowing your blood on my hands. Billy, roll a D4. Okay. Three. Three points of damage as you slice your own hand deep. Oh. And the seven to nine is that, yeah, like they're still like, yeah, but you are worried because Billy is bleeding everywhere.

So now I start to, I'm like orchestrating the play to try and hate him outwardly and heal him inwardly. Okay. And the pumpkin King sees the blood and goes, Whoa, like leans in. Billy's spraying it everywhere. Oh my God. He's spraying the crowd with it. And they're like, Oh, what the fuck? Finn's trying to get up, like sit on him basically to get him to stop spraying people. And this is when we start wrestling for real. Yes. It turns into actual wrestling match right now.

And then Tuck goes, the evil Druid is thirsty. He's thirsty for blood. No. Keep him away from my blood. My precious, precious blood. That's what he's doing. Like, Oh yes. You know, when he's hearing a mom puts a spit on it. Oh, it's delicious. Why is it so sweet? Billy? Tastes like corn syrup. Don't worry about it. We gotta take you to a doctor for sure. Oh my God. You have to have diabetes. Your blood is giving me diabetes. I'm pre-diabetic. He's drinking my blood. Oh my God. Oh my God.

He's eating me alive. I'm putting poisons in there to make you weaker. Healing potion, healing potion. Can I heal him? The poultice takes a while. Okay. Okay. You can stop the bleeding. Yeah. But the, the damage will remain. I take a piece of my costume like, Oh no, let go. And you like rip it off. You have ripped my costume and tie it up. What is your costume? Oh yeah. It is a, it's a Cape of many colors. Ooh. Uh, technically many colors. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, beard and not a whole lot else he's got like a skin suit on like a like a ving colored flesh suit on so he's like really skinny wow he looks like a little monster he looks like a naked like a well a little he's seven feet tall yes yeah or 6 10 or whatever he's doing all this lanky business a lot of knees and elbows it's really weird like kind of looks like a chupacabra yeah it's a chupacabra for sure for sure for sure yeah anyways he's super skinny and long and pointy and he's covered and he's like duct tape some hair to him and stuff yeah totally where is their hair down there because you realize that when you had a naked suit on that it would they would just be like oh he just doesn't have any junk so he just hid it in a bunch of hair suit did you make your feet into like hooves nope okay but I mean yes you were most no no no you can say no you were just in my mind most of the way to satyr already so I was just like are you a satyr oh yeah pretty much he but he did turn his hands into hooves and his mouth into hooves so you're a first satyr with hoof mouth hoof mouth and hoof disease yeah oh good so okay your plan here is to continue the performance yeah and distract the pumpkin king long enough for the the crows to do their thing yeah so that they can get out and like break into the horde yeah and open it up ving clock said he really likes blood so then he opens one of the music bottles and then opens his forehead because there's a lot like he in a fake tussle with billy and then he opens his forehead because there's a lot of blood there oh wrestling style yeah where they like they nick their forehead so they get covered in blood yeah can I ask what billy's dress is uh he's wearing that nacho libre kind of uh outfit so he's got no shirt on but he's got the he's got the wide belt sash yeah jorts jorts shiny jorts yes I will acknowledge that five words into your mouth are not the same as five words into your mouth description you deviated from the nacho libre sash jorts jorts two words shiny loose jorts no shirt basketball shorts yeah he's like a bully from the 90s he smeared a lot of stuff on himself like dirt and paint and he's wearing a a mask uh-huh cool and he's got a little cape on he's got yeah so he also looks insane both of you look like the bad guys guy in this play for sure I'm tussling with bing I'm trying to do a flip using his horns oh cool oh sick if that was billy what are you doing bing help me help me like make a little cool okay okay okay okay 26 plus dexterity I have to time this right okay one two three I'm not good uh four plus two is six oh yeah okay aid aid aid yeah three two one oh holy shit these are hot rolls yes nice I got 11 so seven to nine which means that uh bing flips over billy I really launched myself yeah and as you're like you turn over once turn over twice and you're like facing one of the footlights and it fucking bang right oh right in front of you not enough that you like it's it is powerful but it was mostly bright and it's a burst of music like so loud for a second uh what kind of music is that it's a burst of music it's a burst of music out of this bottle but just the beginning of it so it's just the scream from sabotage and so you're like your ears are ringing your eyes are fucking you can't see for a second you got big circles in the middle of your eye from the flash and you're kind of deaf a little bit and then tuck got too amped so he gets a folding chair and smashes me as hard as he can and then he's going and the and the pumpkin king the pumpkin king's hands are like on the edge of the battlement like leaning forward oh my god we'll sell you the whole battlement but you'll only need the hatch what are you what are you rolling to do here are you rolling hack and slash I guess yeah it's pvp now oh my god 2d6 plus strength for hack and slash jesus uh that's 11 okay so you're rolling tux damage which is what's your damage three okay not too bad so vang has a very jarring two seconds where the bottle explodes in your face it's really loud and bright and then you get hit with a folding chair my my forehead is open yeah you are and now it's it's like you didn't even have to cut it open because it's open in a different place now and you are bleeding okay but the halflings are enraptured so the camera can cut inside for a moment what do we see happening I like it I think it's funny that you're not in the the elk is pooping out potatoes yeah from the side view we see a bunch of potatoes tumbling out booty yeah and it's kind of dodge is kind of like crouching down a little bit and like shaking them out of his butt his tail's up yeah like a dog taking a shit exactly yeah and then he kicks the dirt and inside of lone tree hill we see the village as we might remember from the the billy spelt lorigins a couple years ago a collection of small buildings dwellings sort of like an outdoor kind of market stall arcade kind of thing like you know a big awning with sticks and a newspaper printer off in the distance with a sketchy shifty looking figure running back and forth between the front and back doors say I am totally normal today is a totally normal business day don't look at what I'm doing in here even though you can see it all that but then you're like oh my god I'm not gonna be able to get out of here I'm gonna be able to get out of here I'm gonna be able to get out of here draped with banners with a hastily painted jack-o'-lantern face on them and I guess in the middle of town so everybody can see it no one can sneak up on it a big pile of food you got a push in the middle of town yeah right in the middle of town somebody comes out with a push broom and brooms all the potatoes into the pile oh yeah and they're like what are all these potatoes doing out here time for you to go with your friends potatoes sweet sweep sweep I love sweeping the potato pile you know a lot of people think that the pumpkin king's been bad for lone tree hill but before I just swept the ground now look at me I'm sweeping potatoes and all the halflings are like what is this guy's deal who is he talking man sweeping steve is lots of money who is he talking to is he just talking to himself or is there another person and the pie the potatoes get swept into the big pile of food and sweeping steve walks along looking for something else to sweep and after a few moments of silence one of the potatoes blinks its eyes cute and we cut back outside what do we see tuck has wheeled out one of those old style like backgrounds that like look like waves and there's like a ship billy's rowing this fake little wooden ship and there's a second ship with bing in it behind chasing yeah yeah doing this with his arms he doesn't have any oars at the front of the boat swimming the ship uh billy is throwing uh balls of yarn at bing and he's doing like cannonball and tuck shakes everything when it when cannonball goes off and one of the bombs actually I'm so sorry bing is losing a lot of blood I know he's getting a little bit woozy so billy goes to balls of gauze and he's like another campbell uh it hits him like in the in the eye oh oh god sticks to all the blood and unrolls so now he's just got this big thing of gauze hanging off his face yeah I just want to make sure I know what you guys are doing your plan continues to be put on a show distract everybody yeah but I tuck has a tuck has a plan because he's been really going hard on all of this and he goes to the front of the stage as the whole thing is happening he points at billy and he's like our brave hero attempts to escape on the sea of graves oh yeah jessica jessica did what is this symbol just two peace symbols she did a cross in front of her chest yeah billy does do that but the evil druid and he points at bing and he's like help please please don't please don't make fun of me anymore and then tuck leans into me he's like I'm so sorry buddy but you gotta hold it together a little bit your touch is comforting me so much thank you so much I'm keeping together the show must go on and then tuck goes but the evil druid is catching up with his arcane arts and then uh like tuck takes like the boat that fing is in and like lifts it up in the air as if it's gonna smash down on billy and tuck goes only one so brave as the pumpkin king is and then he's like oh my god I'm so sorry I'm so sorry could save our brave hero and then I take billy's sword and throw it up to the pumpkin king please pumpkin king come help okay uh defy danger charisma and I'm trying to get him out of the tower and down yeah yeah for uh audience participation yeah interesting and I go don't you want to see your brave king save this pure halfling 26 plus charisma yeah charisma again 12 okay uh the pumpkin king shoots his hand up grabs the sword by the handle holy shit glitters looks at it and is like no you know does the like I couldn't possibly like hand wave I knew he would be chicken and the halflings start turning around and they go pop cake cake pop cake cake and they're like clapping like come on pop cake cake pop cake cake and they're like come on pop cake cake pop cake cake and they're like come on pop cake cake pop cake cake and he holds up his hands and he nods and he starts walking down yeah he disappears and then the gate creaks open just a little bit and the pumpkin king and I like that he comes out like ah like with a kind of actor he's like smile on his face he's trying to like really put on a show for his people yeah yeah he starts swinging the sword around he's got his jack-o'-lantern helmet you can see like halfling features underneath in the light of the lamps that you've put up it's not just a pumpkin person I guess is all I'm trying to say is that you're not just a pumpkin person trying to say it's not a pumpkin he's not just a nikabud no not not anymore and he approaches the stage and he gets up onto the stage and holds his hands in the sword up aloft and the halflings all cheer yeah pumpkin cake and he faces he kind of makes a show of facing off with ving okay now yeah ving starts engaging in a very slow okay into slow motion now he's like wings and he's like here we go to try and take up more time okay you know it was in a bullet time to run all the potatoes to do their magic yeah totally and inside what do we see the potatoes have been pooped out onto the ground I mean they would have to like restrain people yeah maybe so maybe that's what they're doing yeah we see like a sort of uh you know halfling like standing guard like the camera pans past a halfling standing guard and a potato runs off script grabs him and pulls him around a corner like they're stealth potatoes still in potato form but then they're like now they're normal because they've uh put on like the stolen person's clothes oh yeah now they're just a halfling yeah and there's like a couple playing haystacks like the halfling version of cornerstone oh cool and they like get pulled out of the room that they're in through a window and then two halflings take their place I saw I saw one of the potatoes like on a cutting board and the halfling about to cut it and then they cut they cut their arm with their wrists and they put it back in their face and then knocked them out and took their clothes yeah they're about to get cooked up that's so sick so there's like a metal game and then they're like oh my god I'm gonna get my hands on this and I'm gonna get my hands on this you're solid like stealth segment happening in the middle of this they're just like quietly like going through the town yeah oh so maybe the plan is like install themselves so when the show's over great you're in control and all the others are outside yeah and then we fortify the fortress yeah because we kind of we got the like regular people outside like the women and children and stuff and then only the guards were left inside and then we right drew the king himself out this plan is working great you might say all of us so the pumpkin king is delightfully playing the part of hero slow-mo fighting with ving yeah and ving is really milking the time here oh yeah okay great what do we see that signals that the town has been secured a flag the pumpkin flags goes down the flagpole so the three of you see the flag go down on the pole and you know that the four of you are going to be in the flagpole and the fort has been taken yeah what do you do well we don't have to do anything because the fuses has finished so then one of the bottles explodes yeah yeah okay shooting shards of molten glass everywhere so the pumpkin king raises his sword triumphantly for a final blow and just as he begins to bring the jester sword down ving catches his hand and then the bombs explode yeah and the music that starts playing is as like they're all so there's explosions and that halfling families get out of harm's way they shield their heads and eyes as they dash backwards toward the gates and ving's like be careful everybody what did you do boom and people are blinded and deafened tuck is like can't see he's like something went wrong with the pirate tactics yeah!

Ving has secured the pumpkin king and he's also trying to deflect glass and save the people yeah so the people run back to the gates and the gates are closed haha woah woah we did woah woah how could it be but ving you're trying to restrain the pumpkin king yeah he's got him and he like he caught him from down on the ground in his like little twisted pose and then he just like catches him and like winks at him and then just stands up with him and secures him under his arms give him a little noogie give me a defy danger strength alright alright alright 12th Handling So it turns out The halfling The pumpkin king Is still a halfling So he is like Three feet tall You just pick him up Into the air And he's swinging His arms and legs Yeah and he takes The sword out of his hand You're gonna hurt Somebody with that Unhand me Release me I am the pumpkin king Yes I understand But right now You're my pumpkin prisoner Okay Cute And you guys are like Twee Like trying to get Your ears unplugged I can't see or hear Anything Yeah I like run into Tuck Cause Billy also Can't see or hear anything And Tuck's like Who's that Is it the pumpkin king Oh my god Oh get him Get him Yeah get him Get him You're so much bigger Than I thought you were Hit Billy with a folding chair Oh no Billy is out cold What'd she do Billy just gets Fucking golfed Across the courtyard Man Tuck has been a menace Since he discovered Folding chairs God Too amped He's never seen A real pumpkin king Wrestling match Yeah Or a folding chair And you You know You've got the pumpkin king In your hands He's kicking and Kicking and swinging And screaming And you hear So sorry to do this To you Jack But Your fortress Is now under New management And he goes No It couldn't be You're You're dead And he Pulls off his hood And Jesus Holy shit What Whoa Wild Bill says The reports of my death Have been greatly Exaggerated That's right They weren't Real Okay So what's your plan From here Billy wakes up And Having been hit With a folding chair And he realizes What's going on I think I should Try to restrain The pumpkin king Like we should tie him up Or something I was gonna put him up On the flagpole Yeah I wanted to wrap him In yarn Yeah great And then we could String him up Perfect Okay Define your dexterity To make sure that it is A secure knot Those ones suck I'm using these Eleven Okay yeah You You like Crochet The halfling The pumpkin king I make a really good Little like Crocheted sleeping bag For him Like a papoose Yeah A little drawstring Yeah And tighten the drawstring Around his neck And he's fully encased Yeah So cute What the world doesn't know Is putting them in a papoose Is the easiest way To defeat a halfling Yeah It's true It's also the most insulting It really is Okay The pumpkin king Is safely restrained Yes Yeah So we cut to We see the pumpkin king's Flagpole With the pumpkin king Himself attached Being hoisted Into the air Oh we used a bit of his flag As part of the papoose Oh yeah That's fun Nice And he's just like You can't do this You can't You don't understand Don't We?

Stability I bring stability To these lands Without me They'd be over Everyone would be overrun By the hogs You bring stability Within these walls These lands are far Beyond the walls Of your keep These walls Are all that's left You'll see Your laws And then he's too far away To be heard Wait can nobody hear me? I'm talking really loud Yeah I'm just Pulling him up even higher No wait Is this Is this I think the pumpkin Makes it hard for me To be heard It's muffling His voice Is this thing on?

Feedback I have to be And then that crow From before The one that kills for sport Lands on the top of the pole Oh my god Oh yeah Please He's got a weird look In his eye What's your deal?

I think he's tasted blood He's got a taste Of pumpkin He starts Pecking at the Inside of his And Wild Bill Like dusts off his hands And he goes Well job done Pumpkin King Has been Eliminated I suppose You know I have to say I thought he would have been A greater threat Than he turned out to be Yeah That's what we're Finding about all Nothing Very well I do have a question Is everyone just on board With the pumpkin king Not being around anymore? Yeah they don't care They don't give a fuck?

Well the guards Have been tied up Right And the people Are like There's a lot of like Hugging between like The people that were here In the crows Oh And there's like A sort of sense of Elation and relief Okay From among the halfling people here He was kind of Keeping them under Yeah he was He was doing a thing That no halfling Is cool with doing Which is like Hoarding Right And excluding people So everyone was kind of Not okay with it Yeah So for Steve It seems like He really And the halflings are like He He!

He rationed the food We He rationed it from us Whoa Yeah That sucks Yeah He's like a plump little halfling He's been eating plenty Oh yeah All the guards are super plump Uh huh Oh yeah Even plumper than normal That's why it was so easy For the crows To feed them Yeah They just pushed them downstairs And then they kept rolling Oh Oh I'm not hurt But oh I can't get up All the halflings are in that like Billionaire tech guy Starvation Mode Where their bodies and minds Are running at peak efficiency They're all chewing nicotine gum And all of the Former guards Are in one of those You know in like a Walmart When there's just a bunch of balls In like kind of a Naked cage A loose Elastic cage A loose elastic cage All the guards are in one of those Just like sitting in there like Huh Well we did it again Jerry Here we are again Back in the ball cage I told you it wouldn't work On the screen I told you it wouldn't work On the screen I told you it wouldn't work On the screen I told you it wouldn't work I told you it wouldn't work On the screen I told you it wouldn't work Could you guys shut up I'm trying to They're all perfect spears Can somebody turn me around Who's shifting Who's shifting Every time you shift We all shift Yeah like there are mothers And their children And like Like elderly halflings Coming out And just joy in their faces As they see their community Beginning to reform There's a halfling version Of that one picture From the movie From V-Day Of like The soldier dipping The nurse I think And there's another explosion From outside And glittering pieces of glass Are through the air As the kiss connects Oh gosh Some of them are still live Out there I think I sure hope nobody's At the tent And now To the matter at hand I suppose Razor tusk Razor tusk Razor tusk We have to open the gates We must waft the smell Does anyone have anything They can do to like Cook the food or something Oh yeah That's what we should do We should have a feast Oh yeah We should have a big party feast Feast Oh that's what halflings would do Yeah Of course Amazing And he's like Don't waste the food Russian Russian Yeah So you're gonna have a big feast Yeah Big old cookout Yeah In town or outside Just right in the square Right there Oh yeah But we're gonna open the doors Wide open Yeah So there's a breeze Yeah And maybe Ving can create A big breeze later on Oh yeah I don't mean to toot Stop it You also know where Razor tusk is Because of the Oh yeah Because I marked him And you also turn the tusk Into a compass Oh yeah Yeah Right I forgot about that And it always points to where he is So you can blow the wind In his direction Great That's why I did that Yeah That's why I did that And that's why after doing that I remembered that For this moment Yeah To bring back the things To allow the episode To go forward Yeah It's called planning And professionalism guys And it always works out Then okay The halflings Start looking at each other Going feast Feast Feast Feast Feast Feast Feast Feast And then everybody Like starts scattering And grabbing Cooking implements Tables Chairs I thought there was A whole bunch of potatoes Here just a minute ago Steve That means the potatoes Must have rolled away And he picks up his broom And he goes I'll find them He puts sunglasses on He's like I'm coming for you potatoes And the feast Okay what is it What is each of you doing To help prepare for the feast So I'm gathering All the folding chairs That are made of wood And I'm throwing them Into a huge pile Because we're going to have Like a bonfire kind of feast Nice Definitely not sitting On the chairs Just a full Burn the chairs Beautiful So Billy's dragging Chair after chair After chair Into the main square What's telling you?

What's Tuck doing? Um Shit What could he do That would be the most effective To bring Razortusk I think what Tuck is doing Is he's taking the walls Of the town down Oh Yeah It's He's like He's What? Defensively Is it bad? Is that a bad plan? No no no I was just thinking That he is still A giant pig Called Razortusk With magical armor Do we need somewhere safe To put the halflings? Oh maybe Yeah Right?

They could stay In the main keep area Or we can put them all In Dodge Yeah And tell Dodge To run away I guess I'm talking to Dodge I'm taking down the fences And then I go And I talk to Dodge Okay What do you need? When everything kicks off With Razortusk Uh huh Can you Keep the halflings With you The ones that aren't Going to be fighting them?

Oh yeah Okay And just keep them safe So if like The pigs get too intense And we end up dying As a result of it Oh my gosh Which And then I lean into him And I go It would be a really Unsatisfying end Of the podcast So I doubt That that's what's Going to happen Oh for sure But If things go south We need you to keep The halflings safe Can do Okay I've got a real Fetching living room set Sort of on my Back right shoulder That I think They'll really like It really brings My ass together And then And then Tuk goes And he starts Taking the walls Of the town down To open it back up Is that a good idea?

Defensively? You know what? Never mind You do your thing And he just stands there Rattling Every once in a while Gently surveying All of the detritus That he can't wait To incorporate Into his form What's Ving doing?

Oh he's creating An even Bigger compass With a giant There was like A kiddie pool Where they were hanging out Some of the higher Guards were like Lounging And they were like It's a spa day So everybody had to come in And like give them Mud Treatments So he's taken that And filled it with water And he's Magnetized the tusk No he's put it on A big leaf In the middle of the pool So that everyone Can use it as a guide So he's not the only one Who has to watch the tusk Oh cool Everybody will know When it's coming And where it's coming from Yeah Okay great So the food gets cooked In the way that halflings Like to cook food So what kind of dishes Are we seeing On these tables?

Boiled potatoes Mashed potatoes Roasted potatoes Barbecue potatoes Some of the guards That we brought in Were like Oh phew Like they really Dodged a bullet here Yeah Barbecue Pumpkins Pumpkin pie Potato pie Potato pot pie Boiled eggs Whoa Unpeeled Unpeeled Yeah like they're Like they get boiled And they get peeled And then they get Put in a bowl Oh I see Yeah Okay Dried blueberries Blueberry pie Blueberry Potato Potato Blueberry stuffed potatoes Yum Oh dessert potatoes Yeah Billy's just melting down Looking at all the different Yeah Potato blueberry Potato hot Blueberry potato pie Gravy Blueberry Mushroom gravy Potato pie Yeah Chuck's Walked by a few times And Billy's just been In the exact same spot Listing thing Soup So many soup Billy can you help me With this fence?

What?

And Billy looks over His eyes are just Actual potatoes People are dilated Yeah Yeah Dilated His mouth is Dripping with Drool So gross Bring some glass of water He needs to hydrate He's losing too much fluid He's been drooling for days And Takes down The last of the walls Yeah Lone tree hill Is now returned And I imagine You know Half Crows have gone around And ripped down The pumpkin king's banners Yeah And every time that happens The pumpkin king Kind of kicks his arms and legs No My banners I merely lose my deposit Yeah And uh The feast is on People are digging into potatoes People are digging into pies People are digging into blueberries And all of the configurations That exist for those things People are doing reenactments Of the fight around the fire You know Yeah And they're talking about How bad things were Under the pumpkin king And they keep They keep pointing up at him And laughing Like what a nerd He ruined everything And there's the From the loose bag cage Of round guards There is uh Some mutterances Of we're sorry We're sorry Can I have a Can I have a Can I have a little piece of pie Can you just dump a bit of potatoes in here We'll just grab what we can Throw me a little piece of raclette A little bit of a raclette chase Just a little bit of raclette Please I'm begging you Cause the plan here is to waft Yeah Yeah So we're We got big stew pots going and stuff Mmhmm Putting all the All the aromatics in there Oh yeah Yeah Tons of garlic and stuff like that They put the All the food And all the wafting dishes On a giant lady Lazy Susan Mmhmm With the compass in the middle So that they can put All the waft around Oh yeah Yeah That's a good idea And what is the actual power Of the waft being completed by Elemental mastery Alright Here we go Elemental mastery Greg that's seven So I get to choose one Okay So I get to choose one So I get to choose one Okay I will choose The effect I desire comes to pass Okay Which means that you Pay nature's price And do not retain control That's correct Okay So You start Summoning The spirits of the wind And the air Mmhmm To Cast the smells of this food about It comes in like The As like the sparks Of the fire are going up Oh They're turning into Bat Sparks Bat ashes And they're coming down And like Carrying off the scent They're like going off In a big flock Oh cool Carrying off in different directions All these different birds From leaves around the thing And little People's laughs and stories Or like Somebody smoking a pipe And it goes up in the shape Of like some crows And it goes off And they're spreading the scent Off in a certain direction Someone farts And it I'll see it Yes Yes Someone farts And it comes out As like a frog It's like It starts like Hopping away Grabs a bunch of smells And starts hopping away I'll get this Where it needs to go buddy What the hell was that?

That is the effect I desire coming to pass Yeah that's It's true So you do not retain Okay so the nature's price That you pay is You know Some bats and birds Swoop down Taking these scents away But a few like Really Become attached to you And start kind of Swirling around you Suffusing you With this powerful scent Of delicious food Which means you might End up being a bit of a Focused target Okay When the whole thing Horde does show up Also a target For the halflings too Yeah Delicious Hey what are you doing?

And you do not retain control In the way that You like direct them Towards where the compass Is going But they go all over They scatter to the To the winds And uh You're thinking Okay well if we're just Trying to get Razortusk And his pigs here We might be getting All of the pigs here Oh no Yeah And it will make it Tougher to tell When danger is actually Approaching Why do we even use this move?

Because it's really powerful So Wild Bill kind of Kicks his feet up on the table He's got a little pipe In his hand He's patting his belly Like a grandpa At a Christmas dinner That will be asleep In 20 minutes Cool Right when the pigs show up Yeah Our job is done Now all that we can do Is wait What if his eyebrows Is on fire?

The other one is like Dipping down Like across his face I can't feel or know Anything about them Because they're not Actually attached to him Yeah Trying to get the eyebrow Back up to where It's supposed to be This is what I hate the most You know The silence Before the storm I hear you So yeah He's lit his little pipe And you can smell The very notable scent Of halfling pipe leaf And he just starts Puffing away Are you getting high?

At my age That doesn't really Happen anymore You smoke enough Of this stuff It's not It's kind of impossible Being sober Is kind of like Being high for me now I'm just aware Of too many things When I'm sober You know It's overwhelming My first name Is wild Oh he's definitely Getting high He is Balasted right now He goes Wild Wild You ever thought About how that Sound feels Wild Wild Thought about How that word Feels like Feels in your mouth Is that a word?

Who puts L's Before D's Yeah so this is Your opportunity To just kind of Chat with Bill Ask around And like get to know Some of the other halflings Vink's talking to One of the halflings That's helping him On the lazy Susan Yeah He's been like Just showed up And been like a right hand Person who's been A really good help Yeah His name is Armin Armin Oh nice Is there any Halfling river Legends that you know of? Hmm Who knows the river Best around here?

Okay Roll a Spout Lore With this Determining what Armin knows I'd like to use Druidic lore Oh I want to consult The trove of Ancient knowledge Within me To examine the Events of the world Roll plus wisdom On a hit GM will ask you A question about The subject Whatever you say Is true Seven to nine The GM will introduce Complicating or Contradictory information Okay Does that make sense To use it here? Yeah Armin What do you know About the trove Of druidic knowledge Inside of you? Inside of me?

Yeah I also like the idea That halflings are Insular and they're Really good at parables Like they have Wonderful stories But he's using His ideas of Druidic lore To understand His stories In a bigger context Oh yeah Totally Great So it's what 2d6 plus wisdom?

Plus wisdom Okay Ooh I got nine Oh boy So what we know Is that the river Goes It courses down And then dips Into the everwood itself Uh huh And then comes back out And goes around And it's usually like The in and out Of the everwood Which is where things Disappear and reappear Right There's like an Underwater passage It gets sucked Underground Maybe Armin has a story Of yeah like There are Oh you know there Whatcha Oh yeah you know there I'm Armin I'm working out a voice Yeah he's a little younger I just I just graduated From halfling high school Whoa You went to halfling high?

Yep I got a three point One GPA That's Gross pumpkin average That's really good That's a really good GPA Thank you I was able to grow Three point one Full sized pumpkins By the end of term Thank you That's the whole High school That's the whole How many Successful pumpkins You can grow Oh you spent You did the pumpkin stream Cool cool I was wheat Oh Well you know It's hard Wheat's hard to measure It is Yeah It's a yeah What are you gonna do With that you know Okay Hey now Hey now Armin All right I come from a pumpkin family Yeah But you know Without wheat You wouldn't have pumpkin bread So And without pumpkin You wouldn't have wheat bread You're so You're so right We all gotta work together That's really what the Everyone would value That's what you got And he puts his hands out On all of you That's what you guys Have really taught us here And there's three of you So he's moving his hands around To make sure he's touching Each of you Nice Very considerate But anyway You know Things wash up In the In the Wittershins And the sun wise Things appear in the water From far away Or long ago Or sometimes People say Far ahead Whoa Does anyone In town Keep these things Anywhere What I mean I've heard things Like what There's a Old Halfling woman That lives out Near the Everwood Some say She trolls The river Collecting things That wash up In its waters Some say That She went through The waters herself Whoa Whoa That's what I'm asking about That's a creepy thing What's her name?

Well I mean I don't know her Her birth name She's She's pretty She's up there But everybody just calls her Nana Oh Oh She might have Cool shit we can see Yeah Oh shit I mean if you had questions About the sun wise And the Wittershins She probably knows more Than anyone else in the valley Cool But that's you know Assuming that we Aren't all trampled To death by pigs In the next hour or two Yes of course There's a real like About to storm The beaches of Normandy Vibe to this feed Yeah It's like everybody Standing in those boats Yeah Like well Nice knowing you guys Some people are barfing If it's cause they had Too many potatoes Yeah exactly Okay Anything else you wanna ask?

Anyone else you wanna talk to? Oh I do have I do I wanted to talk to Wild Bill Okay yeah Is he Just sitting there Smoking his pipe His eyes are getting A little red Yeah Oh right He's getting high He's not getting high He's becoming high Because he's smoking it But he's not Doing it with the intention Of becoming high Right yeah okay He is high now This is what he's been He's high okay What's the problem?

That's what he's saying He's getting a little paranoid Okay I'm a little high Alright Do you think Razortusk Will know that I'm high? What is going on With you and Razortusk dude? Have you ever Okay are you Are you How familiar are you? How experienced are you With intelligent animals? Uh The tuck looks at Ving Ving is looking Ving glances at Billy Uh huh Then Billy looks around Like what?

A dove Gets its throat sliced And falls into the fire Oh my god Another one For my notch belt The crow is saying this To Jack Wick Did you see that Jack?

I didn't even feel anything That time Jesus Jack's like Oh my god Oh my god This is gonna become a problem And uh Bill says If you're hunting an animal That's one thing It's you versus the animal No communication No understanding You In pure survival mode But when you got an intelligent animal That you can communicate with In some way That's basically another person So we've got kind of a rapport That makes sense I had a rapport once Yeah I bet Wait no He's tucking high?

Yeah He's getting a contact high Oh yeah All the smoke is being blown at him Yeah Cause all these flies Yeah and Cause Ving's got all these Wind bats around Right yeah Now they're taking Weed smoke places Yeah Oh my god Oh we're all getting hot We're all getting Cause every time All the halflings are like Ving's just a walking hot box Sick Every time Wild Bill like Ashes his pipe Which is quite frequently He does it into the thing That's making the smoke Right yeah And all the bats fly away Oh shit Yeah I've got I have rapport Yeah I had rapport with the Dragon He's my best friend Whoa What?

Dragon would have fit on that boat So good Oh here we go again Dragon was so Was definitely The size that you could fit on the boat All I'm saying I'll never forget You know if I had to think about I'll never ever forget What are we talking about? Token staring into the fire He's getting so If I had to think about it I'd think there are Several things to consider With a dragon on a boat One They're pretty heavy right?

And I know that boats Carry heavy stuff Boats carry heavy stuff People on the discord Did the math on this So what? You put the dragon On the top deck And then the whole boat Is top heavy And the second that boat Turns the whole thing capsizes How much of the keel You think is in the water dude? The clear water is in the water The clear water is a huge boat How you getting that dragon Below decks though? It can be above deck Have you ever seen a super tanker?

I don't buy it Wild Bill and Abdul Stop fighting That's what I like about you man You're willing to think about things That's what I like about all three of you Billy I used to be terrified of you When I was a kid Likewise Wild Bill nods and like We flash back to them When Wild Bill was a child And Billy was also a child Oh yeah Oh my god that's true And Wild Bill's just like Got a handful of blackberries And a full mustache And a full handlebar mustache And Billy's hiding in the bushes Like trying to stay still But he's getting so cut up By the blackberry thorns And Bill like Throws a blackberry towards Billy And Billy jumps back Like a dog Like a dog And Bill jumps back And runs away But then Billy comes Crawling out like a dog And takes the blackberry And has like the little tears In his eyes Cause he's like Wow he's so kind Aww And Bill is just Just running away Dust kicking up behind him And then Billy Follows his tracks Like a dog Yeah like a dog And hangs around his house Like a dog Like a dog And he'll peer into the windows At night Like a dog Sometimes And I think we see Like we see Bill at night Coming out with like A little cup of milk And he like puts it On the windowsill And Billy crawls over Yeah And then like And gets really drunk And passes out Oh my god Sorry It's like NyQuil for Billy Right I went old school folklore With it Probably not milk But yeah I guess Yeah there's a We see some images Of like this relationship That Bill had with Billy Like this sort of Old school folklore relationship Where he would like Leave offerings for Billy Whoa cool Yeah And Billy's this like Little grumbly Dirtbag baby boy Yeah And Bill got like Older and older And Billy stayed the same age But he kept leaving things For Billy Yeah It sounds like you were Like full feral At that point Like subverbal almost Yeah Yeah And then like Just even the kindness of Bill Like kind of brought you There would be things That would happen Where Billy would be Like exiled for Long periods of time But he would like You know hang around Yeah And Bill just like Looks at Billy You guys can see Bill is looking at Billy Like very affectionately Oh yeah Like an old dog That came back Yeah exactly Years and years Yeah Yeah It kind of makes sense That wild Bill Is like this like Almost living legend Then Because it's like Billy's been like Trading with him So he's been becoming Like more capable Like he has a bunch of Fairy blessings on him Totally That's true Yeah He's got a lot of luck On his side Yeah Totally Yeah Which is why he can like Traverse so far And do all these weird things And come back unscathed Yeah!

He's like a little Fae in a way Yeah Like stepfae Yeah And Billy is Absolutely blasted Right now It does not take much And he's being like We all have secrets Wild Bill We all do have secrets Billy More secrets That some of us Even know Sometimes I don't even Know my own secrets Sometimes I don't even Know my own self Yeah Billy What are your secrets Oh He's a secret man Oh Oh Oh every dad oh yeah oh yeah yeah every christmas there's a grandfather that falls asleep in an armchair and then wakes up says I was watching my dad would fall asleep he'd close his eyes on the couch snore snore but like be listening to the news how so then you change to be like I'm listening to that yeah creepy this is bullshit dad we only have one tv it's 1998 dad we're fucking poor do you want me to go read I did I read a lot yeah all right what question do you want to ask uh I think I wanted to ask if he knew about mother never was just straight up yeah and uh he goes we're uh we're heading to the to the war down and down in high spear wow war down in high spear huh them them long shanks they're always getting in fights they can't work together you yeah we I think we might have to go through the gray marsh oh where mother never was is where where mother never was is isn't that what she like lives in there I mean if you believe that do you not I've come to learn in my old age I had a lot of things that people say and believe are based on fear and speculation okay maybe the marshes do change people but maybe it's the experience of the marsh that changes someone and not a magical crone actually changing them you know or maybe there is if you had more that you wanted you'd have to make a roll I'll make a roll yeah I've had quite a lot of marijuana yeah but that's what he's asking for is for me to roll him a joint yeah you're gonna have to make a roll of some kind you know what I mean he ran out of weed is what happened he starts tapping the bottom of his pipe like yeah we're gonna have to make a roll so can I yeah roll a joint for him to get to get him to I think it's about it's still Spout Lore probably okay here we go td6 plus intelligence okay smoking a j nice okay here we go please please fucking god be a good roll well you rolled it into a pile of shit so you can't actually tell which one is five well this one is one and this one is four oh no and then I have a negative one that's three okay or four it's four four yeah what he kind of makes clear is that he doesn't necessarily believe in mother never was um because this isn't like a historic figure it is a myth right um or like a local legend yeah this is like you know there are lots of things about the everwood and the valley that I don't know about you I don't know about you I don't know about you I don't know about you but that I've seen and then I tell other people and they don't believe you know like this little gaffer here yeah lots of years I told people that there was a small immortal boy and billy's uh standing around whipping the sword around and it's making so many jingling sounds yeah and look at him he's large as life we can see him like you're kind of like in the middle distance and you're doing a kata basically yeah you're a whole star wars kid I trip over a pine cone oh jeez okay no he's got it but he gets the sword straight up in the air so he doesn't hurt himself I'm fine look at him he's fine it's a thumbs up yeah he's fine your mistakes are successes I've spent I'd say most of my life here in the everwood valley what parts of your life have you not spent here oh there was a brief time that I I went up north for a little bit I hit a panooja for a bit of my youth went to some music festivals did a bit of kissing I went to some music festivals I went to some music festivals I went to some music festivals did a bit of kissing kissed a couple folks that's so funny to me but you know turns out at the end of the day it's not for me anyway yeah they weren't razor tusk after all oh now hold on or marijuana I only got one life one love in this life and her name is mary jane her name is mary jane and I also have a couple of friends who are married to me and I also have a couple of friends who are married to me and it's complicated with razor I'm not I'm not addressing this again I'm not addressing the pig in the room people keep asking and I keep refusing to answer which I think is what's leading them to ask more the fact that people are asking it I'm giving a reasonable answer is what's making people be like he's hiding what's going on with him anyway you know when I think about it this world is big who's to say there isn't a magic lady out there that can give you all your dreams falls asleep with his eyes open eyes wide open making eye contact with tuck you're like he stopped you think he's about to say something we all lean in I wave my hand in front of his face nothing nothing vick takes the joint out of his mouth so he doesn't burn himself and then he's like I'm not going to do that I'm going to do it myself And then in the distance, you hear, Wee!

Wee! Whoa! Oh no! Jay! Wee! Big apocalypse! And then he starts ringing the bells. Ding, ding, ding. Everyone to their stations! He takes a bath of the weed and puts it in the dirt. Yeah. Yeah. He flicks the cherry off the end and puts it in his pocket. It's 2007. Such an uncle move. Does this one? It's Scott. And you hear Jack high above cackling. Oh, fuck! What do you do? We clear out all the people into the, whatever it's called, dodge.

Dodge kneels down in that really tall animal way where he goes one leg, one leg, second leg, second leg. Yes. And everybody piles on. And Vink shoves all the food that's not cooked already up his ass. Puts it back into his cornhole. Cornucopia. Yeah. Because it's important. They're going to need this in the following days. The cornhole puckers a little bit to hold everything in. Yes. Exactly. I hate this. Stop! Relax, buddy. No, he says, put it in my butt. Into me, he says. Inside me!

All like the woven like straw of the cornucopia. The rattan. Puckers up. Yeah. There's two pantry doors behind him. Creak! And he gets back up to his feet. This is all that is left of the wealth of the halfling lands lives in your butt now. I will take this honor seriously. What now shall I do? Escape to safety. Cross the Wittershins. They cannot make the journey. This shall be your final request.

From here on out, he a little like clack, clack, clack, clack, like hand emerges and he grips yours in a predator high five. I'm going to miss you. I shall miss you as well. Spirit Walker. Just know that your form may go, but your spirit remains tied to this land. You have done a very good thing for these people here. You have done a good thing for the spirits. It is the least I can do to repay your kindness and guidance. And then a third hand comes in. Because Chuck feels left out.

We're doing a thing here. And then Tuck, yeah, Tuck like grabs it and he's like, yeah, we are buddy. All three of us. We're all doing a thing. All good friends. Doing a thing. Let's get in here. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

So people don't get whipped off slowly but uh assuredly immediately heads for the river and the people the the innocent people of lone tree hill are safe leaving only those ready for battle there's just the crows I think and I guess a loose rubber cage full of spherical halfling guards oh yeah the guards let us out we can help yeah they actually do start saying we can fight we can fight you leave us to certain death upon each other's backs like this how do I know I can trust you though we have seen the error of our ways have you really yes the sense of a feast we could not partake in reminded us of the importance of community can I use deathless on them to like threaten them into not leaving yeah totally read deathless you know your end and this knowledge echoes through time your enemies can see death on you when you enter a fight knowing your death will not come rule plus wisdom on a hit your foes are dismayed and take plus one on going against them as written I think this would be more you like preparing for the fight at large and them seeing that and being like okay don't fuck with this guy we can't betray yeah he will kill us and he is immortal yes yeah okay so go ahead and roll it uh that's eight okay all right so on a seven to nine my enemies are dismayed and I take a hit on them and I'm going to go against them as written I think this would be more you can take a hit on them and I'm going to go against them as written yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes They are all getting everyone very high.

Everyone is blasted. Everyone's so high. And on the hill in front of you, across this muddy, muddy wasteland, pigs, hogs, mighty pork rise above the horizon. Worms at our feet are coming out of the ground. Oh, it's excited by the vibrations of the horde. Oh, cool. And then to your right, to your left, behind you, more pigs. Oh, shit. The smells went far and wide and the hogs of the hogpocalypse answered. Billy does the speech from Lord of the Rings before the fight. Which one's that?

An hour of pigs and shattered shields when the age of halflings comes crashing down. Yes! It is not this day. This day we fight. By all that you hold dear on this good earth, I bid you stand, crows of the halfling lands. By all the pies and the mashed potatoes. Tonight we feast. Tonight we feast. Tonight we feast in hell. It turns to 300. Holy shit. And they all start stomping their feet. Yeah. Banging their swords on their shields. Yeah. It turns into 300. We're in 300 now. Yeah. 300 mode.

300 mode. Oh, my God. Above you on the hillside, the pig ranks open and thundering into the center of the mass. A mighty hog. The last glimmers of the setting sun glint off armor, ancient and burnished. One tusk gone, fully shorn off his face. Razor Tusk. The war pig. General's guy. I'm not in there myself. Baba. The last of the bombs that I made shatters and it sings that song. It is Black Sabbath. Awesome. Oh, yeah. Turn it up, baby. Lumbering. Yeah. To the front of the horde. Oh, sick.

You can see all of the arcane runes carved into his. And as like the kind of the light disappears, you can see they're still glowing with arcane energy. Whoa. Like carved into his his armor. There's a drop. So keep going. Yeah. Keep describing stuff, guys. Yeah. The light emits from all the runes and it burns into Billy's eyes as he sees all the ancient words of his people. As he is, as the tusk is focused on where he is, he is focused on the tusk. It has called him home.

And it wants to be rejoined with his magic armor. Yeah. They start. He starts galloping slowly. Yeah. The pigs start ambling forward. And Tuck starts to Hulk run. Across the field. Tomo. And the halflings, the crows all cheer and charge forward. To pour. To pour. To pour. To pour. And I think that's where we're going to end it for this week. I've been your game master, Sean O'Hara. Joining me as always playing Tacoma Dome, the barbarian, Abdulaziz. So long, everybody.

Playing Ving, the half-elf druid, Paul Hoppers. Take care. Playing Fat Billy, the halfling thief, Jessica Tai. Goodbye. Thank you to all of you, our susporters out there, for susporting us on Patreon. Without you, this show simply would not be possible. We've made a bunch of big announcements recently. Oh, yeah. I think by this point you would have heard them. We record the episodes. Quite a ways ahead. By this point, I think it's been- At least two weeks in advance. At least two weeks.

At least two weeks. But by this point, you've probably heard. Yeah. So you know that we've got a lot of stuff coming up. We've got Mall Brats coming out every two weeks on Fable and Folly, which we are now a part of, I realize. Yes, so exciting. It's all in the announcement. You can listen to that. We don't have to recount it all here. Go back and listen to the announcement. I think it's important. Not everybody wants to go listen to an announcement.

We really need you to listen to those announcements. Really bad. Really bad. We have to. Paul, you got to listen. I thought we were making our own network. We, yeah, so- What am I going to do with all these posters? This pair of underwear I made, that's the shape of our podcast. The shape of what aspect of it? You answer your own question. Oh, the aspect. So go check that out. We've got a lot of stuff coming up this year, especially this summer. So we're very excited.

You'll hear about our brand new show. The one coming after Spout Lore. Yeah. That's very exciting. Pretty big. So just go and check us out on Patreon. This support is huge and means so much to us. It means that one day, hopefully soon, we'll be able to do this full time. Because something that we reiterate in the announcement that I think is very important to know is for the entirety of the show, we've all been working full time jobs. At least full time. At least full time. At least full time.

Sometimes multiple full time jobs. A lot of the times I work 60 hours a week. At my normal job. Yeah. Yeah. Jessica has a cocaine habit that we have not talked about. It's very expensive. And we're all contributing to it. So if you also could contribute to it. Enable us to enable her. Legally and truthfully, that is not real. We are enablers. That's true. The only habit. I'm joking. Jess doesn't have a cocaine habit. Obvious. No, it's obviously Abdul. Obviously it's Abdul.

Yeah, it's obviously Abdul. Obviously. He's the one who doesn't sleep and doesn't eat. Who hates sleep and looks good. Yeah. To which he's going to use all the stories. Clear skin. Yeah. Cocaine sounds great according to you guys. Yeah, it does. Doesn't it? I don't actually know which one it is. I think it's the one that goes up the notes. Yes. All right. So check out the announcement. Support us on Patreon.

Get access to a bunch of bonus stuff, including some game test sessions for systems that we're thinking of using. Yeah, for the next game. And thank you to Aaron Reed for our intro and outro music. You can find Aaron on bandcamp.com. And all of the music produced for the show on Spotify. Lots of places. Spotify, YouTube music, Apple music. It's everywhere. Yeah. And check us out on social media. We've been making a real push lately. So support us there. Follow, share all that stuff.

And most of all, thank you to all of you for listening. We'll see you next time. And so ends the tale of adventures three who tried the best they can. Though dumb and scared and lost they be. For times abreast in revelry. And though our journey may be like a conclusion. We will not leave you without a resolution. Return next week to hear some more. Whilst you commute or do your chores. And for you. I gladly spout no.

Is it on yeah oh are we on now everyone oh okay thanks you're always so intensive but when we're live except for when it matters sorry there's a bunch there's a bunch of uh gifs in the chat of people angry that we are two minutes late so sorry we're always this much late yeah standard you know that by now uh hi everybody and welcome to this month's Spout Lore live stream I'm your game master Sean O'Hara joining me as always jessica ty hello paul hoppers hello and abdulaziz hello everybody my name is abdulaziz thank you for coming to my no he's turning us all down he's turning his microphone up no no no no no um we are gonna do some things today including making some announcements and uh queuing some inevitable a's from the announcements nope yeah that's a text form thank you yeah I'm just gonna move that off camera just imagine somebody zooming in stealing our identities enhance just enhance the entire social security number let's definitely pull it out again is that abdul's volson number on that piece of paper oh god yeah it's usually sits here and you can tell that he's having a hard time on the other side we're trying to leave you an abdul amount of room but it's not enough what the fuck you're a physically massive person that's not what I meant all right so here's what's going to happen today we're going to do some announcements we're going to answer some questions that you will probably have about the announcements then if we have time at the end we're going to play a quick session of my uh illegal unsanctioned and unasked for domino's pizza rpg 30 minutes or less so should we just jump into the announcements yes okay so we've talked about this for a while now we're going to talk about the announcements on the show and like on the discord but we're pretty sure that we've entered what is the final phase of the Spout Lore story uh and because we have such a passionate and supportive fan base that's you guys that's you guys there's been a lot of curiosity and speculation about where the main storyline is headed and what is kind of coming for the show well here's what I'll say I will preempt all of this by saying all of this is good news maybe it's all good news yes oh my god it does I am reading like uh I never thought I'd have to make a video like this and I just want to start by apologizing in our announcement pose no everything's chill everything's chilled so like sean said and like we've all felt for a really long time we are in very much the end game like the the pieces are on the board for like what the end of the narrative is probably gonna be yeah for these characters uh what I'm just I heard collective weeping I felt it I felt it we actually we did like a calendar sort of thing recently yeah and looked at where we think the show might end yeah abdul you probably remember more about the specific numbers so it was all estimates but like just given where we are now in the story and what we know is coming probably december 2025 kind of thing is like finale is ish where the finale of the Spout Lore story happens yeah and I I think that I think that that makes sense in like my storyteller brain and I think that that makes sense in like my story and I think that that makes sense in a lot of situations because a lot of times a lot of times a lot of times a lot of times imagine like arcs that we're playing because the thing is is that yeah it is fully improvised season finales appear before us surprised without us knowing that that is the end of the season oh man we get to like usually we're recording the next episode and we're like oh that was the finale that was the finale oh and that usually while we're recording I have a like there's like a scene always where I'm like this is probably the finale and then I look at the production calendar I'm like oh god we have to write a song so fast it's always so fast so much quicker than we expect uh but with all that in mind the fact that like we've got like about a year and a half probably of releasing episodes before the show is done uh it means that it's time for us to think about where the future is headed where the show is headed and where Spout Lore as a group goes from there well let's let's just go back one thing we didn't say is that while this narrative is ending oh in december 2025 ish we are going to continue to make like rpg shows shows together there is a plan for another show which we will get to we will get to at the end so don't don't freak out later the show is not ending forever ending the show forever just this story is like is naturally coming to a close it's it's easy when we get to this stuff where we're like making announcements to think about it from a business perspective but like the reality is is we all are still having a lot of fun playing games together and we want to keep doing that and as long as we want to keep doing it and you want to keep hearing it we're going to keep making the show yeah uh one thing that we need to do quite simply is grow our resources for the entire existence of Spout Lore we've been producing and releasing the show while all four of us have been working full-time jobs some of us more than one full-time job so that means that we don't get to do as much work for the podcast as we would like to simply because we don't have the time energy or bandwidth and we don't have the time and and we can't overstate how much this is sport that you have all given us got us to this point at all yeah I don't think the show would have lasted no no god no no why would it have burned out like out of hopelessness yeah yeah so thank you because if it wasn't for you guys we would have probably packed it in oh yeah like shortly after allison sure yeah I would know it was I would have deleted the podcast off the internet when you did not let me take black spire the boat argument would have been the end of all of our friendships how would you get him into a spot on the boat where the whole thing does it it's not oh my gosh yes it is you could pick him up like with a crane anything it's fantasy we had this fight on mike yesterday yeah we were primed for it uh we were primed we have a lot of prime in the in the studio right now and I I tasted it yesterday I think it maybe has gone bad actually what how does it go bad I know I'm go bad wait sean paul if you're listening how does your product go bad sean paul you mean logan paul yeah like I watch the internet so here so here's what we've we've done some math on the situation where our the support that we've received is incredible based on the actual costs of doing the show of fulfilling patreon rewards of paying rent and actually producing the show if our patreon were to reach seven thousand dollars a month that would mean that we could still produce and pay everything that we're doing and also one of us could go full time how would we decide that a roll of the die you'd have like a just a wrestling match call it right now four yeah I called number one okay oh sorry paul you have to wait so that means sean goes full time if we count from this direction yeah one two three what about you he's zero there's no zero on the die oh yeah watch this what wow that's a great it's gone it's a great looking for stop looking for uh yeah so paul's been escorted out of many casinos yeah and birthday parties uh so yeah that so seven thousand dollars is what we're is what we've looked at to get one of us full time that would be huge eventually we would love the idea of all of us being fully employed by the podcast but that would be the first step to making that a reality making sure that one of us can dedicate their entire working life and energy to producing the show in one fashion or another and we want to thank again all of you are incredible supporters for all the support you've given us over the last seven years we wouldn't have been able to do this show without your support and we're going to continue to produce the absolute best product that we can for you and we wouldn't want to do it yeah without the support of you guys and and your rabid dog approval energy rabid dog energy absolutely frothing at the mouth for that fantasy that actually does track yeah you are frothing at the mouth for what we make and it is the main reason that we want to keep doing it that's not making it is water to you huh if you are having rabies you don't like water I have a document that I'm reading from yeah we all have documents and you're jumping why are you looking at me while you're saying that you're jumping on all my rabies jokes they're all in the document and you're skipping ahead to the rabies jokes which are the the climax of my document paul what are you doing this doesn't unplug okay which brings us to our third announcement we're joining a network as of august we're going to be releasing the show under holy shit yeah what no oh my god our patreon is going down oh my god and now it's going up on the other end of the spectrum oh no but the people that we're getting are not good people no we should have not okay so for real we're joining the fable and folly network and as of august we're going to be releasing under fable and folly which is a great network with a ton of great shows all that really means for you as Spout Lore listeners is at the end of every episode after the theme song you'll hear a little sign off from fable and folly and a clip from one of the other shows on their network what it means for us is that listeners of other fable and folly shows are going to be hearing clips of our show I like the way that you put it that it's a collaboration of creatives yes yes that's why we said yes to fable and folly as a network is because they really support creators in a big way and we were like we're not going to put ads on the show and they were like that's totally fine yeah the show will remain ad free yeah we got to be clear about that the only thing that will change is after the theme song you will be able to watch the show change is after the theme song you will hear some additional stuff if you stick around after the closing theme after the closing thing at the end yeah and it's huge for us because that promotion is like a massive advantage yeah it'll be great for other other people to hear Spout Lore what Spout Lore is about yeah and also there's a bunch of great shows on fable oh yeah yeah like the crowd show dragons and dragons yeah oh really yeah oh that's fun I didn't know they were on there yeah yeah they've got a ton of amazing shows so this is a big step for us we've been fully independent this whole time and in a lot of ways we're still the show is still ours we retain ownership of the show totally we're just uh working together with them and they are helping us achieve some things that we wouldn't be able to otherwise including our next announcement as of august I'm nervous about this one do you want me to do it no I can do it okay I'm gonna do it no paul don't I don't paul didn't read anything before this he doesn't read I read marcus really says a meditation all right we're gonna my teacher andronicus the opening of marcus aurelius's meditations is miserable it's so boring it's a list of people he's like shout out to my teacher he was pretty sick shout out to my mom she made the best food and she loved me have you read lord of the rings born baguette flooring yeah that's true so the next announcement as of august we're going to be doing a lot of things we're going to be doing a lot of things we're going to be taking all of the old episodes of spout more Mall Brats and releasing them as a twice monthly show on fable and folly that's the big news Mall Brats is going to be uh publicly released twice monthly show on fable and folly we're going to be starting from episode one which means that the current patreon feed will always remain at least a year ahead of where the Mall Brats release on fable and folly is that's the important key thing here yeah we are only releasing things that are like very old like the first episodes of Mall Brats came out in 2019 so it's like they're they're really old and that feed will have ads on it and they'll be in world ad reads yes we're going to be doing a lot of rick's ropes yeah that's the other that's why this is great yeah so that's the thing with the fable and folly release there's going to be ad reads by us in in character in universe I kind of like that yeah are you kidding me we get to go hey sherry's berries it's a rat guy here with me undies these rats are wearing these undies and they love them these rats love underwear batman the rat man sounds like that's true yeah uh and so and also Mall Brats is going to be fully scored by a composer uh and friend of the show taylor swindles so a full score is going to accompany all episodes from episode one on and we're going to have weird character ad reads which means that like even if you're a longtime Mall Brats fan it's going to be a new listening experience if you want to check it out can I just say one more thing about the Mall Brats release the Mall Brats release is another strategy to grow the spell yes that is that is a good preempt for what all the stuff I'm about to say is that this is a big opportunity for us um because like when a new show releases it gets kind of tracked by like all of the apple podcasts spotify podcasts to see like how it's charting and if it charts like if it seems like it's getting a bunch of downloads and a bunch of traction the podcatchers and the different platforms will like elevate it as well and get it in front of more people so it was it was sort of like a marketing strategy that we pitched to fable and folly to be like hey do you what do you think of like this as a strategy for maybe pulling in new listeners to your network and like new listeners to our show and they were they were down to try it as an experiment which is cool so that means that our main ask for you all of you our dearest supporters and the listeners that are maybe hearing this on the main feed right now because we're going to release this audio and we're going to be doing a lot of stuff on the main feed right now so we're going to be doing a lot of stuff on the main feed right now because we're going to release this audio and we're going to be doing a lot of stuff on the main feed right now so we're going to be doing a lot of stuff after uh is that when this show comes out when the first episode of Mall Brats on fable and folly drops on august 26th yeah just go fucking nuts on it go ape shit listen review download tell your friends post about it on social media five stars or more because if we can five stars or more or else because yeah the more activity there is on the new episodes the more possibility there is of us getting on like charts for like top new podcasts and that would be huge for us yeah um oprah winfrey oprah winfrey what oprah winfrey told me oh god she thinks it's cool that we're doing great thanks so with all of this stuff coming up uh this could be a huge bump for us if you want to help the show there are a few ways patreon obviously is a huge help and an incredible gift that all of you give to us uh we're going to be doing a lot of stuff on the main feed right now so we're going to be doing equally as important so tell your friends post about it on social media we're also on like tiktok and youtube shorts and stuff now you might have seen that yeah so I mean jessica I made an amazing animatic for the uh opening theme that's on our tiktok and youtube and on our social media go check that out share that stuff in terms of telling people to check out the show I personally know that every piece of media I've ever consumed or enjoyed was recommended to me by somebody that I respect you know what I mean so like yeah tell people find someone that respects you and tell them and if they don't respect you tell them to kick rocks so in the first week of the Mall Brats release we'll be releasing episodes every day so these are going to be the new fully scored episodes the thing that will help the most is if you download every single one of those episodes multiple times on different ip addresses code a bot to download so many episodes go to the library download onto the library computers according to the iab standards you have to get minimum 60 seconds of listening so make sure that the bot you program if you want to commit fraud to make this happen don't commit fraud don't commit fraud whatever you do don't commit but we will be releasing episodes every day that week so you'll get a ton of new episodes newly scored newly remastered old Mall Brats episodes and then the reviews and the downloads are going to be the things that help that initiative the most so that's what's got that's going to look like so I'm going to leave that to you guys I'll see you in the next episode we were like oh man I don't know we were we kept saying no because we didn't want to put ads on the yeah and then we still don't and they were like but you can make this much money and we were like we don't sound nice but we don't know ads no only honor only honor yeah that is the honor is the most important thing to spell lord yeah okay we want to tell you what's coming up we've been talking about it a lot we've mentioned it here on stream as a potential idea but we're ready to say that this is what we're doing our next show which we're very excited about which will happen after spelt lord after spelt lord concludes concludes is going to be up all night it's a show about monster hunting teenagers in small town british columbia in the late 90s think of like buffy the vampire slayer if it rained all the time the soundtrack was primarily blink 182 and all the milk was in bags baby uh this is what we're really excited the funny thing is is that we've settled on the game idea the setting the setting and sort of the character and the vibe yeah but we haven't settled on the system at all no not yet we got so excited by the idea that we didn't get far enough to figure out how we were going to play it so starting later this year we're going to be recording and releasing a number of patreon exclusive episodes featuring systems we've never played on mic before uh to see what the game that we have the most fun with is and it's a game that you all want to hear the most we want to know what you think uh and we want to be ready for what you want to play and I think we're going to start recording episodes of up all night before yes Spout Lore is done oh yeah well in advance so that's the thing that you also as patrons will get is when we start recording up all night before Spout Lore is complete so kind of over the the 2025 fiscal year we think about fiscal years now all right my sin uh oh yeah social insurance number so coming in the next uh I mean the summer is busy we've got the Mall Brats thing but like within the next I'd say six months we're going to record some patreons exclusive uh episodes where we will be playing different systems not in the up all night world or with the up all night characters because we don't kind of want to like over need the dough in the run-up it's it's honestly been so hard not to over need the dough we make a lot of jokes about uh about up all night because we are very much still the kids that we were in early high school yeah there was there was a day where we were remembering bonsai buddy I was just like this is an up all night episode it's just like the thing that I did at parties when I was in high school was I would go and be like where's your dad's computer and then I would download bonsai buddy and ruin their computer with malware just house to house party to party installing bonsai buddy uh we know the transitions are hard and these kinds of things I've I'm a fan of rpg podcasts and I know that the transition from one campaign to the next is really tough uh we're more attached to these characters and to this story than some of our own real family members um oh that was the other thing I I thought you might want to change no I said it for real I said it and it's true live editing as the announcement is oh yeah you should have taken that part out as I say it just like in a radio ad oh yeah I meant to tell you not just it's live I meant to tell you not to say that uh but we imagine that I feel like we're not gonna get any ad requests because this is the kind of shit we're gonna deliver I mean well you know we'll be professional about it uh and we imagine that you're just a little bit more of a fan of rpg podcasts and I'm attached so that's why we're gonna start releasing on patreon episodes of up all night before Spout Lore ends not to like undercut the finale of Spout Lore but to give you the opportunity to sort of take to those new waters and again it's an improv show things can shift yeah but somewhere over the course of like mid 2025 they can start expecting to see like this is what up all night is gonna look like um and that will be coming out in the patreon for all menders and above and that is just so that you are supporters and everyone who has supported the show for so long you know what's coming like shun said transitions are hard and this will like give you a heads up well in advance of what we're bringing down the line uh so that's everything I think this is going to be a big summer for us in a lot of ways so check out all the different levels on patreon check us out on social media and when Mall Brats comes out just hammer those reviews listens like and subscribe I guess is what I'm trying to say uh because that's really going to help us uh okay should we start answering some questions yeah uh question will you have will you continue to have full creative reign over what happens in the shows slash how the shows are run like are there going to be creative execs influencing the material is put out so 100 we have absolutely not full creative control no that is the way that this network relationship works and it's the only reason we opted in for this show so I'm gonna be asking you a question what is the reason you opted into it is because we are absolute shit dicks who refuse to and shit pussies no I like it because I feel included yeah there's there's I don't think I I mean I I think I can speak for all of us when I say there is no situation in which we would have entered into a business agreement that took away our creative control oh yeah were they tell us what to do no it's a name working name only and in other ways yeah okay right it's going to be the exact same show moving forward the only difference is going to be the fable and folly stinger at the end and then you get to hear a trailer for another cool show that you might like yeah who knows what you'll find from that and then in return we get our trailer will run on other shows as well drama llama uh does this mean you finally sold out to the gods of ad and money for the record I support this will you be receiving extra money due to the ads to help support the show yes we will yes we will on Mall Brats on Mall Brats only no not unspelt work those ads will directly financially benefit the show which is also huge for us because that's a that's a full new revenue stream uh what's abdul said sorry if somebody already asked prayer hands emoji hold on 9-1-2 stop it stop it no no no no no seven seven seven seven seven you uh thanks for checking it out canadian sins are all mostly in wingdings so we'd have to show you it's a visual thing show you that would be hilarious really hard to type it in airplane surprise face pizza slice oh this is an interesting line colon will there be the possibility to buy the Spout Lore pod as a download other podcasts are selling their finished storylines which I love because I can then for sure relisten to it at any time oh that's cool yes I like that idea a lot who has that uh boss penguin boss penguin thank you for I didn't know that that existed that's awesome we could put it in a puffy case like multiple disc thing that you get oh yeah we could send it to you like on mini discs with a mini disc player that's what they meant for sure that's for sure what they meant we'll put it on tape oh yeah it said you're a walkman yeah I do have I've been stockpiling walkman what you!

Have it we have to have to try I'm sure you can all understand you have seen the metrics you've seen the shows out there D&D 5e is one we're gonna try We'll see How it goes Sean hates it All of the problems that you have with it out there listeners I have too But we've looked at the numbers and we've gotta try it We're not gonna try it It will just be a playtest And then we'll see how we all feel about it Exactly these are like potential playtest releases And I think that all of you can agree It would be hilarious To make these three play D&D 5e There's numbers and letters In the name of It's already so complicated It's already so complicated Even just there being a 5 in the name of the system There's a D and then another D For some reason Capital 5 lowercase e Why is it lowercase?

Why is it math already?

I think we're for sure gonna do like Monsters of the Week Try that out Kids on Bikes We're gonna try Tales from the Loop Or Thieves of the Loop Things from the Flood We're gonna try And I mean there's one that's by Oh yeah We're gonna try Bump in the Dark So if you're out there Jax Your game looks really cool And I think it might fit so we're gonna try it And we're at the very least gonna be releasing a playtest episode Of us trying it out because I really like it I think we can reveal a little bit about Up All Night A little bit yeah Like in tone and vibe it will be Sort of like Buffy But with the vibe of like the kids that we actually Were in high school Where Buffy was like Look at these hot 22 year olds Pretending to be high school students We're gonna be actual high school students Pretending to be hot 22 year olds Hey uh Can we get into this club please?

Sweating so much We think there's a vampire in there So many We're gonna have so many episodes of us at Blockbuster Trying to pick out DVDs Hours But having to shit Because every time I went to Blockbuster I had to shit for some reason So then I was like I'm gonna have to shit for some reason I'm watching The English Patient again There was one episode idea we had The premise was We go to Blockbuster We get a DVD And we're walking back to one of our houses And one of us suggests Cutting through the ravine As a shortcut And then we're just stuck in the ravine We can't talk about episode Like ideas That's fun though That's fun That's fun You gotta give people treats So it's that kind of stuff Fun treats If you grew up in a small town You know what living in a small town is like It's that But also if you had to worry about like The whole thing The mothman stealing your lunch Yeah or Or the Bigfoot in the woods Stealing the dumpster behind the grocery store Cause he loves grapes It's also like A way I've described it is like Kind of Buffy meets home movies If people have watched home movies Cause it's like We are kind of just taking the sticky kid characters That we play in Mall Brats And not the exact same characters But the same vibe And trying to Translate them to high school In the real world Exactly Because that was just all of us I'm so sorry So many questions I'm so sorry I'm so sorry if I missed the questions In the YouTube chat I'm trying to Trying to cut through But I can't really find any That haven't been answered at least 30 minutes or less Okay Oh someone asks Now that we are becoming part of a network Will there maybe be some cooperation Between you and other creators Like a Spout Lore slash crit show crossover episode Oh yeah There's a lot of people There's a lot of people That is coming out this summer Do we know about that?

Yeah That was such a specific That was such a specific question We recorded it last year Two years ago Two years ago It was two years ago That's funny Was that a planted question? That was a planted question That must have been We've talked about it Who asked?

That was Drama Llama Okay Well I've got good news for you Drama Llama The exact thing You asked for Is coming out Rarely can we deliver this accurately Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Wow This is a wild episode It's really funny Yeah Yeah Kind of chaotic It's chaotic but it's hilarious Someone said Spout Lore live shows Oh And that is a thing that we are actively working towards We did We did go on a little study trip Yeah To see what that would be about Yeah We went We saw the Glass Cannon live Saw how they did it It was helpful It was helpful to see how they did it Yeah Yeah Absolutely And they have like a very professional Kind of like They know how to put on a live show So that was really useful to see It was really cool And also this year I'm going to Gen Con In Indianapolis Oh yeah So jealous Yeah If you live nearby To see how it is And then I've ended up getting rolled into The Crit Show's live show Their Taskmaster show I guess this is the first time We're announcing this What?

This is an announcement to us Well But you were busy You were doing wedding stuff Yeah we were It was We did talk about it In a couple of meetings Okay I'm so sorry Paul I said pause all meetings But yeah I'll be at Gen Con That's so cool Oh yeah I'm guessing on their Their Taskmaster show Where I think I am the Taskmaster Hell yeah Which is sick That's so great That's a perfect role for you I know Because I'm a psycho Yes It's perfect And then I think I'm doing a panel with Rev And then I've just found out that Our friends at Blackwater D&D Are also going to be there And they want me to do A one shot show That they're doing there Awesome That's great Okay we're at We're at noon now Don't forget to bring up Spellore Okay Shoehorn it in Wherever you can Yeah just Just put it in everywhere Alright my character's name For this one shot Is spellore.com Slash money please Yeah nice This is my familiar Money please Do we want to Try and answer A couple more questions Or do we want to Let's do like Three more questions Yeah Let's do some more questions Can we get Abdul Sin On the vinyl Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes!

Can we get Abdul to sin on the, on the vinyl? We can't stop him. Literally. We can't stop him if we wanted to. Like, yeah, it's like a Hulk thing where I'm like, Hey, you know the secret about me? I'm always sinning. Then I think with that, we'll, we'll put things, we'll put the Q and a to rest. Really? You don't want to answer this question about whether David Boreans is going to be on up all night. David Boreans. He played angel in Buffy and angel. I think he might be low key. All right now.

Oh, I did. I might be wrong about that. So many, you know, he's going to be on the show. Now that we're part of the Fox network. Fox. Fox. Fox. All right. Then we're going to put the, we're going to put that to a rest. Thank you so much for joining us for the Q and a portion. Clap, clap, clap announcements. Exciting times. Coming. Thanks guys for being here for our big announcements. Yeah. And now thanks for being here for what we're about to do next. Uh, unless do we, do we want to do this?

Do we have time? I do. Yeah, please. A hundred percent. Okay. Yeah. Please. Can we have fun? If you want to stick around for our game, please do it. You can watch it later. Yeah. Sean made a very illegal game. Yeah. It is against the law for this game to exist. And also the trailer that Ryan made for it is hilarious. Yeah. And even more illegal. Even more. Cause the logo's in there now. Full on have the logo in it. And I love that. Yeah.

Uh, we've got, we've got some, we got a lot of new people in the stream today, actually. So I will. Oh yeah. So I will fully, I guess, announce the game again. Yeah. Yeah. So we're going to be playing 30 minutes or less. The unofficial unsanctioned Domino's pizza, TTRPG, uh, the year 2069, the place somewhere in the fallen States of America, the pizza Domino's.

You are pizza delivery drivers tasked with moving hot, delicious, and affordable pizza made by the fine people at the Domino's pizza corporation from their world-class industrial ovens to hungry and highly valued customers around the world. But it won't be that easy in this sick and twisted reality. Any number of starving freaks want those tasty pies. And you have to make sure that they don't get them. So this is a game in which you play pizza delivery drivers in the dystopic future of 2069.

Oh, nice. Yeah, baby. Fuck. Yeah. We, are we playing, are we playing new characters? Yeah. Yeah. The whole thing. Okay. So first choose your job title. There's a driver, a gunner, and a mechanic. Who's going to be what? I'll be the gunner this time. Okay. I'll be the driver. I'll be the mechanic. Yeah. Wait, were you mechanic last time? No, I was driver. You were mechanic. Perfect. You guys swapped. Perfect. Okay. Okay. So starting with the first person that talked, Paul, who's your character?

His name is a dough ball, Dave. And he got that name as a kid. Cause he was always eating the raw dough. He's grew up in the dominoes. He's like a little, he's like a, a corporate kid. Oh, yeah. Cool. So they, everybody outside the family calls him dough ball, Dave. Yeah. He's like a little kid. He's like a real rich kid. He's always getting sunburns when he goes outside. Whoa. Cause I was, the ozone layer doesn't exist anymore from all the pizza smoke. Yeah, exactly.

All the Freon from the pizza refrigerators destroyed the ozone layer. Yeah. Uh, except for dominoes. Cause they've covered their thing in foil to reject the ozone. Oh yeah. Abdul, tell me about your mechanic. I'm Hunter Biden. Oh, come on. That's a real person. Isn't it? That's Joe Biden's son. Hunter S. Biden. He just got convicted. I'm Hunter Biden. Oh, did he? Did he get convicted of a crime recently? Oh, was he? I don't know. A petty crime probably. But I'll, I won't be Hunter Biden. Okay.

I'll be Barack Obama. No. Barack Obama. Barack Obama. Barack Obama. Okay. Who are you? Can I be Barack Obama? I mean, you can be Barack Obama if you want. Is that okay with you guys? I mean, I don't really care who you think. So Barack, we're getting some answers here. That's not okay. So what, so Barack Obama is alive in 2020. He's what? Is it his namesake or is it the, the former president, Barack Obama? Uh, it is, uh, worked up. Uh, it's, yeah, it's his brain in a, in a cyborg. Okay.

So it's a robot with the brain of Barack Obama. Yeah. You have a follow up question. Is this his physical brain or is his intelligence and experiences downloaded into the robot? It's his physical brain. It's bubbling in a stew of marinara sauce. Also, it's a Domino's pizza droid. Yeah. But it's powered by Barack Obama's brain. Yeah. My former president, Barack Obama. Okay, great. Jessica. Um, I don't know. I, my name is Remy Remington. I am a sentient dog. I am my sister's sentient dog.

You are your sister's sentient dog. In the future. And Remy drives the car. Remy drives the car. Okay. Cool. There's a lot of shots of like that 90s thing. We're two like fake dog paws. Yeah. Close up. Nice. Nice. Do stuff. Do stuff. Do stuff. I like it. We come out of the pizza, but the corporation and you're leaning up against the car swirling. It's like, who wants to go for a car ride? You've got a walk, man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've got it all.

So the car, you drive an armored, armed and heavily modified 1979 Bobcat Villager station wagon, a relic of the old days and one of the toughest cars available. Could somebody put a picture of that in the stream, please? Yeah. Just in the chat. Uh, with all the pizza, room you need and seats for everyone. So you get to choose an upgrade to get your career started.

The choices are laser beam, headlights, reinforced wood paneling, a jury rig backup oven, a car phone, a ball turret and a PR and prototype nano dough. What do you guys want again? Laser beam headlights. Yeah. That one would be sweet. So once per delivery, you can completely obliterate a navigational obstacle with your laser beam headlights. So which ones do you guys want? I'll take the gun turret. Okay. Yep. So now the, the Bobcat Villager has a, a bubble turret on the top. Oh, cool.

That the gunner can sit in. Uh, the gunner can sacrifice a slice of pizza to turn a failure into a partial success with the turret. Cool. Yeah. Uh, Abdul or sorry, uh, Mr. President, former Mr. President, former Miss ex-president Barack Obama, five E. Thank you. Uh, Oh, I forgot. We're going to do impression. You guys don't have to do it. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. It started off sounding like LMS. So I'm interested to see where it goes.

Hey there. My name is Barack Obama. Interesting. All right. There's a technician working on Barack Obama's cyborg body. And he's like the vocal, the vocal chip is fucked. I don't know. He sounds like a cowboy. We got to get this pizza out on time. That's kid. Do you want to be Barack Obama? I don't. If I wanted to be Barack Obama, I would have been.

My fellow delivery drivers you guys all have a better Barack maybe sorry man can you do it one more time my fellow delivery drivers we gotta get this pizza out on time okay I have a cyborg body great it's pretty good he doesn't have a southern accent I don't know why I kind of give him one too he does he's from America they're all southern alright wait what were the other options for upgrades reinforced wood paneling a car phone and prototype nano dough I would like a car phone thank you this is as a former president of these fallen states I can still call in airstrikes the car phone is once per delivery you can call in a pizza strike from domino's headquarters you get artillery support from domino's headquarters okay so we've got laser beam headlights a ball turret and the car phone this one is souped up this one's armed to the teeth okay so every delivery must be completed within 30 real life minutes like literally get a stopwatch and set it to 30 minutes I will put an alarm okay so the way the game is played is whenever you try and overcome an obstacle or challenge you could reasonably fail you're gonna roll 1d4 because it kind of looks like pizza 1 is a slice loser 2 to 3 you just scrape by and 4 is an incredible success you get a slice back somehow yep the d4 you can have a little sip if you want no it's caffeinated I can't have it very proud of you for turning that down thank you because I know you know it's a vanilla latte oh no she didn't know no Jessica don't do that yes literally 25 minutes ago you were like I'm really overwhelmed I know I have problems okay so there are four legs to each delivery and I'm gonna be rolling d8 I guess isn't that this one's metal and sharp and also I couldn't get that far there you go pal okay so domino's pizza headquarters uh we really need a theme song for this ba da ba ba ba I'm domino's no uh original music uh is allowed to be made at this time no absolutely not only copyrighted not in the year 2069 all music is just corporate jingles as close as we have IP yeah we see the domino's pizza headquarters the tower rises into the sky blue red reflecting on the shattered atmosphere full of pizza smoke from the industrial and the industrial ovens that stretch into the distance inside the launch bay of the domino's delivery tower uh the bobcat villager does this one have a name kathy just kath last one was the all of the lyrics to black betty and this one is just the word kathy kathy black betty is so fun though we see black betty off in the distance uh being tuned up after her last journey whoa black betty bambaloo whoa black betty bambalam you guess me hi bambalam uh getting yeah getting tuned up after its last delivery uh missing most of its paneling a smoking crater where the engine once was yeah it's like the scrambling of the rebels before they launch things exactly putting hoses and the dampers are blown it's got that clan it's got that klaxon sound like when a delivery comes in that like wow oh yeah totally the pilots approach so the crew is approaching kathy let's what's the image of kathy getting ready for a delivery slow walking yeah yeah I'm on a leash whoa yeah you're pulling yeah I'm pulling yeah can't wait to drive I'm carrying my n uh sticker with me you're you don't have a full driver's license okay you're a learner you graduated at a learner's and the uh delivery received delivery received and the four pizza bearers enter in their hazmat suits perfectly sealed from the environment in which the pizza was created the metal box with the pizza meter on top uh showing each of the eight slices in place yeah it's a pie like in uh trivial pursuit exactly they're all filled in yeah green I'll I'll like full full up pizza slices nominal slotted into the back of the back hatch of the villager and they put the special tape on it yes somebody shows up they open a little case and they take out a little sticker we have to shield our eyes from the brightness of the case the mcguffin case it's attached over the the flap of the pizza box and it goes as it's attached yeah uh and the hatch closes and everybody loads into kathy the car again is pointed at an upwards 45 whatever this degree angle is the the sirens keep going off launch in three start the engine two one hands at ten and two oh you gotta hit the green button oh I I slam on the gas yeah and the technician to the side says hot and ready and hits a button then the door opens and you're launched into the another guy who who was new is still filling the gas tank and that like the whole thing jerks his arm off yeah jerk his arm off you're right paul all right and let's roll for the first location we've only got 30 minutes here people remember this is lights going through the tube to launch shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot like in uh only like the tunnels yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah uh okay so the first is the zoo oh sorry the last of earth's wildlife is sequestered in this zoo by walmart tm their flimsy cages are always being broken and there aren't enough zoo workers to always catch these creatures from escaping in time maybe you'll be fine but maybe a hungry chimpanzee or an aggressive seagull is waiting nearby ready to jump on that hot delicious pizza oh my gosh so you come firing out of the launch bay yeah and the car uh the retro thrusters align and you come screeching down into an active zoo just into the zoo we don't hit the highway yeah no walmart recently bought the land right outside this launch bay from dominoes and dominoes was like our drivers can handle it so you hit the ground and what what's the first thing we see in the zoo uh a cage full of uh ostriches ostriches yeah you smash the open the door off a cage of ostriches and you're like oh my god and 15 to 100 ostriches burst out of this cage and are now running alongside the car battering you as you drive they have laser eyes they do oh they have razor beaks yeah yeah laser eyes and razor beaks and they they they are used for military purposes yeah 100% all these animals are that's the only reason dominoes allowed walmart to build a zoo here is because they're raising all of these animals to protect their drivers but they're not quite there yet they still have that killer instinct amazing so you can see you can see that they're not there yet doball from from your ball turret yeah from your doball turret well I hit the button and I go outside of the car so I'm going a little running along with them jurassic park there's one of the ostriches that I have an established relationship with and we trust each other okay is there a mechanic for flashbacks okay there is now but every flashback you do takes time off the clock oh shit so you're trying to get the attention of the ostrich you have a previous name yeah his name is blue blue okay yeah all right go ahead and roll a d4 Okay, I want to find Blue and all those ostriches.

I got a two. Okay, so a two you just squeak by. The ostriches are like slamming into your ball turret on its little gimbal that sticks off the side of the car. And you do see Blue in the back. But the ostriches, it seems like they don't respect Blue right now. That's my Blue. It's hard to get respect in this crazy pizza world. As you were getting like hammered by ostriches that are bouncing off of the ball turret. Yeah, there's plumes everywhere. It's getting really hard to drive.

I'm running over civilians, which I guess is not a big deal in America. It's fine. It's totally fine. It's the fallen states of America. Yeah, Domino's is the only government that exists and they are fine with it. Yeah. So what do you do when you get the attention of Blue? I call him over to help him clear the way, get his friends to clear the way. Even though he's not respected, he is faster than all the rest of them. Yeah, he weaves through the ostriches and gets close to your ball.

Alter it and like lays his head against it. His iron razor sharp beak kind of tapping against the glass. I tap back. And the ostriches behind raise their beaks to the air and sniff deeply. They've definitely got the scent of that delicious pizza. And they start pecking into the back of the Bobcat village. You're trying to get through the hatch. What do you do? Can I take like dough and like spread it against all of the hinges and fixtures? So the back door. Can't open.

Yeah, you can definitely try. You can roll a D4. Smart. Then we turn up the heat and bake it on. Oh, yeah, totally. That's the heat. I don't really even have to because it's so hot outside because of climate change. It is. Yeah. But you open the window. Even more. Yeah, I open the window. And Barack Obama goes, I also have a flamethrower arm. He's just southern. He's just southern. I can't do a Barack Obama. The voice chip is fucked. Yeah. Here we go. And I also have a dough arm.

It shoots dough and the other one is a flamethrower. And he bakes the dough. Yeah. Yeah. It's the first station in the pizza oven. Three. Three. Okay. Yeah. So you start seeing the birds pecking at the hinges of the door and you spray your dough with one arm and then you bake it with the other. It'll hold for now, but the birds are pecking. The smell of cooked dough emboldens them only further. But as I spray it, I go, this, I have a dream. A dream. Yeah. That's your king. He just goes, hope.

Thank you. There it is. That's it. Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope. Okay. Remi, the pizza has been protected for the moment and it seems like Doughball is trying to charm or coerce one of the ostriches off to the right to help him, but you are slamming through a herd of ostriches. What do you do? Okay. Yeah. I have to turn on the laser beams. Okay. We're using- I'm going to cut my way through. Once per delivery. Use it. Use it. Oh, wait, sorry. So as the different classes, you have abilities. Oh, okay.

So as the driver, you can sacrifice a slice to pull off an insane driving trick. Like, you can eat a slice of pizza. And it gives you powers. It gives me powers? And you can just do something. Okay, yeah. I'm gonna eat a slice of pizza because I am a dog and I love that. And I'm gonna eat… And it's going to enable my, like, sniffing abilities to sniff out the fastest exit. Oh. I'm able to pull, like, some hard lefts and rights and stuff. Absolutely. Like, twisty turns to get out of here.

You close your eyes and then just drive with the sense of smell. He's turning the targeting system off. Right, yeah. It's one of those. Yeah. And you see a dog. The dog, Remy, just gets a pizza in her mouth, like… Yeah. That, like, dog where you, like, throw it into the back of your throat. And her pupils dilate and her nose dilates. Her nose dilates. Whoa. Her eyes shut. Nose dilates, eyes shut. Right. She's going just by sense. Yeah. Cool. And Blue is trying to keep up with the ball turret.

Mm-hmm. But you need to help him get through this last little chunk of ostriches. I'm going to start blasting all the other ostriches with the sauce shots. Sauce shots. Okay, yeah. Roll a D4. What's a sauce shot? It's a hot sauce shot really fast. It's a hose of hot sauce. Okay. You fire off the hot… The shot… Hot… Yeah. Sauce shots. We've only got 30 minutes to fire off the sauce shots. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.

And you see ostriches going down and licking the sauce off themselves. I imagined a Gatling gun where, like, the chain, it's got a bunch of, like, El Paso bottles of… Right, yeah, totally. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The jars of Classico. Yeah, totally. And, like, the bottle and the little cap, like, ping off, like, shell cases. Yeah, totally. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. But the absolute density of ostriches in this… In this zoo, which you see, it might just be ostriches.

People are editing photos of the Bobcat Villager. It's amazing. I ask too much. Lauren is so skilled. It's amazing. Oh, God. You feel your sauce shots run dry. I'm out of sauce. I'm out of sauce. Click, click, click, click, click. Oh, shit. The way has been cleared. The way has been cleared. Okay. Um, the sauce shots have run out. That is the three… That is the two to three. But you, uh, see the exit of the mall…

Of the zoo, and you rip through the other gate passing a line of people waiting desperately to see all these horrible ostriches. And then following you is a bunch of horrible ostriches. And blue. But the ostriches are left in the distance. Okay, next leg. Seven. Okay, so you leave the zoo and you come to… What has been described as the marinara marsh. It is a runoff zone from pizza headquarters of all of the unusable marinara sauce that is just festering in the hot sun.

So you see before you a wide plain of toxic marinara. Remy, you need to find a way through this. Oh my gosh. Is there anything on the car that would help us float or skate along the marinara sauce? It might just be pure driving skill. Okay. Yeah, I'm gonna off-road. I don't know how to drive very well. I don't know any terms. Yeah, so I'm going off-road. Oh, you, Jessica, don't know. Yeah, totally. I imagine just like two little fake dog paws come up and pull like goggles onto your eyes.

Basically, yeah. Okay, roll up the windows. Seal up all the crevices. Pull back in the turret. Yeah, the turret goes back into the car. The middle of the car is just so the turret can move back and forth. Yeah. And you pull yourself in. So roll your D4. Oh, shit. One. One. Okay. Oh, no. So you hit the marinara and it is so much worse than you expect. The car starts fishtailing. Oh, yeah. It's congealed. Oh, no. So you expect like a splash, but you go like…

And you see the pizza gauge on the box dings down one. Yeah. So you are now at six of eight pieces. It rattles. It rattles. The one slice that gets destroyed loses composure. Like the cheese falls off of it and stuff. Oh, yeah. Gets smushed. The box can tell when that happens. Yeah. It's like this is only edible for six pieces. Yeah. Minus the one that Remy ate. Okay. Can I reverse out of there? You can try. You kind of like…

Your tires start spinning and you see in the flat, the marinara flats shapes start to rise from the sauce. Sauce things. Sauce things. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Live oregano. Live oreganos. Yeah. And they're empowered by this living oregano that grows out of their saucy flesh. What do you do? I start shooting. I start shooting. Your sauce shots have run out. Oh, I only have those sauce shots? Well, no. What other shots do you have? Oh, man. I have so many shots.

So all the discarded pepperonis on the ground they collect and they're like little hard discs. Oh, burnt pepperonis. Oh, nice. So they shoot out like blades almost? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. D4. Three. Three. Okay. You start firing these pepperoni slices out into the marshes as Remy is like working on getting the car backed up. You're slicing these sauce things to goopy bits and they're separating into like smaller sauce things. Oh, no.

Everyone you cut down is turned into multiple smaller sauce things. But they are being held back by the barrage of fire. Barack Obama steps forward in his mech form and he he he he like lifts his arm up and a little rocket comes out of it. Jesus Christ. You're a mechanic. Why do you have rockets? Because it's garlic bread. It's a garlic bread. It's wait. What are the cheesy? It's the cheesy bread. Crazy sticks. It's crazy sticks. They're crazy. They're exploding crazy sticks there.

And these guys are really these sticks are so crazy. Okay. All right. Roll your D4 stumbled so much of that joke. Jessica got it before I all right. Roll it. Yeah, because it's like the best thing to soak up marinara is is this crazy? Oh one yeah. So as you're firing, I fired down into the box by accident. You're leaning out of the back of the bobcat and you just drop it accidentally and fire it right into the box. Yeah. And you are now at five. Oh, we star nation. This is bad.

Voice chips getting worse. I'm Barack Obama. Oh, we and Remy, you're trying to like rev the engine, but the intakes are full of marinara. Oh my gosh. I'm gonna have to I'm gonna have to get out of the car and manually pull this out with my jaws. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Okay. So you emerge from the car which Domino's pizza handbook says the driver should never do. I know, but this is an emergency. Okay. No, I must do. I say my dog voice. I'll cover you.

Yeah, there's just like gunfellers pizza pepperoni being fired. There's garlic sticks going out, but the sauce things are approaching. Yeah. So I grab the bumper or whatever the thing in the back is with my powerful jaws and I pull it out. Oh, you're pulling the full car out of the sauce car of the sauce. Okay. Roll a D for come on. Come on, Remy. Come on, Remy. You're a good boy. You're a good boy. You're a good boy for isn't that what is that? What's the one on the bottom? Yeah. What?

Oh, one one. We're doing so bad. It's okay. So Remy as a dog, of course, you start pulling the bumper and pulling the car out and your nose catches the fact that one of these pieces is absolutely just right there and it's on the counter and no one's even looking. Yeah, I lick my lips and before you can even stop yourself. I've already eaten it. It's too late. You're now. I'm so sorry. I've eaten everything. You're now at four out of eight pieces.

This pizza is half destroyed and we're at 15 minutes. Yeah. Holy fuck. And you're makes sense. Half the time. Half the pizza. You're stuck in the sauce. What do you do? You're gonna have to do something drastic to get through this obstacle. And then Barack Obama goes, I swore to myself I would never do this. And he goes and he picks up the car phone and he dials the number and he goes, Tom Cruise President Tom Cruise Current President Tom Cruise. We're gonna need a pickup.

You hear one of those giant carrier planes coming from the distance. Like a Hercules. Yeah. With a skyhook trail. Okay. So the pizza strike is not a pizza strike. It is a pickup. Yeah, it's a pickup. Okay. So you see the like Hercules cargo plane pepperoni meters going down running out of shots. Barking. Yeah. Bark, bark, bark. And then he goes, I promise you I will give you back the Oscar. I stole from you in the 2033 Oscars. Okay. It's in the future from now.

And Barack Obama hits an emergency switch in the back of the Bobcat and a skyhook balloon like poof poof shoots up into the air. It's it's got the Domino's logo on it and a number to call for delivery. 10 10 10 and you all got to get on this car quick. Okay. Get in the turret. Yeah, because released in the bubble. Get in. Yeah, I scramble in like a dog. Try and get out of a lake getting everybody piles in and just above the hook catches the balloon and the and Kathy is ripped into the sky.

Yeah, the sauce things grasp desperately and we see the camera as the as the Kathy pulls away just underneath a little glob of sauce adhered to the what's the next spot one Tom Cruise won his Oscar playing a Barack Obama in the biopic and then Barack Barack Obama movie came out the same year where Barack Obama played himself with the exact same script. You want it because the Academy was just like we can't we can't give it to Tom. There's no way.

So number one is tent tunnel underground tunnel that's been taken over by starving freaks. Oh, nice. It's a shortcut, but it's littered with garbage fires hammocks crossbow rig traps fierce and unhinged raccoons use it your own risk and you are flying you're hanging on to Kathy as it's ripping above danger zone is playing because it's the only thing that Tom Cruise plays while he flies a plane and you hear him go.

Hey guys looks like we're running into a bit of turbulence and he's doing that face. He's doing the squinty smile and you see off to the side by plane. Wood and fabric by planes with the Little Caesars logo on the side. They're made out of Little Caesars boxes. They're made out of Little Caesars boxes. It says hot and ready all over it. And you see Little Caesars like clones of Little Caesars in the plane with their leather helmets and the goggles and scarves. Long nose. Oh my God.

He's like, I'm gonna have to drop you off here. And he gets you low and you see like a tunnel built into an old destroyed like subway tunnel. And he pulls you in close. It says eat fresh over the tunnel. And he lets you go and you start you fall through the air and plunge directly into the mouth of the tunnel. Yeah. Which is covered like wall to wall in tents and shelters and traps. What do you do? Sorry. Yeah. Is there the bumper like the front of the car is able to come down like a shovel.

Oh, yeah. Like the cops do. And I just I just like. Like scoop everything away. Yeah. Who cares? They're just being scooped. And you're seeing that like the starving freaks that you would expect in this tunnel are nowhere to be seen and in their place hundreds and hundreds of raccoons. Oh my gosh. You see they've been they look up and they smell the pizza and their eyes turn red. And there is one starving freak that remains with a crown made out of a subway footlong.

He's got footlongs all around his head. And he says, bring that pizza to me. It's the record king. Oh, no. What do you do? Laser beams. Oh, we're just full on. We're just doing it. Just blasting a hole right through it. Ten minutes. Yeah, totally. OK, so you engage the laser beam headlights. You don't even have to roll for this. It just happens. It just happens? Just describe it. Just click. I look into his eyes. He looks into mine.

I and I shoot the laser beams, the laser head beams, and they go straight into his pupils, blasting. Singing through his brain. He's dead. Is that how it works? It's K.I. Pretty much. It is a navigational obstacle. So the wake is clear. The tunnel is just like burnt. And the raccoons have no idea who's leading now. So they scatter. Yeah. OK. Yeah, perfect. So you clear the raccoons and the subway king and the traffic. So the tunnel is now clear.

You're just ripping through this cleared out subway tunnel. But you hit a point where like the traps that were left behind. Start like activating and going off. The car is riddled with crossbow bolts and saw blades start swinging down to try and chop your pizza. What do you do? Oh, man. What are we doing? I'm tossing out all of our crazy dips. Oh, the dips. Just shooting out pucks of dips to get into the mechanics of the of the of the of the traps and make them too slippery and too lubricated.

OK. So that they're overshooting their targets. These dips are so thick. So thick. And remember, you can sacrifice slices to just accomplish cool gunner things, too. I got a two. So I'm going to sacrifice a slice to make this a failure. I mean, a success. I'm going to sacrifice a slice and make myself fail. Yeah. So you do get that you eat the pizza slice, but you get what you want out of this. Use the dips. Yeah. You taste the dip, the dip running through your veins. Eight minutes left.

And you fire into the mechanisms of the traps and like a saw blade swings too hard and snaps the arms off at the arm. And yeah, the the gimbals, you're like pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, into the accurate joints. And the gears get like too slippery and like a buzzsaw arm flies off because it swings too hard. It's itself off. Exactly. Or the crossbows like are too slippery. And the the the string just misses the bolt completely. Oh, my God. Dry fire. There's never gonna fire again. Yeah.

And you're but the thing is, is that the car is going forward. And Mr. President, you see up through the car. Like the panels of the car. Marinera starts seeping into the back compartment. So the Barack Obama's brain is contained in a like a glass container of marinera sauce in his chest, in his chest. Yeah. So it's like the robot is kind of like it's a ball sort of in the middle with with his like brain floating around in it. And it's kind of like the bad guy from Ninja Turtles. OK. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And then it's he's got like robot arms and legs. So. But he he sees the marinera sauce and he like takes it into the container. Oh. And then starts fighting it. Just like sauce to sauce. Sauce to sauce. OK. Amazing. He's trying to water down the sauce. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Under awesome roll ID for awesome sauce. I'm going to take you into my robot body as the president of the United States. Barack Obama. You can't kill me. You can't kill me for. Oh, yeah. Our move.

The sauce enters your brain chamber and you feel yourself overcome with this malicious deliciously spiced malevolence. It's a psychic battle that's happening. It's trying to take over Barack Obama's brain. It's trying to subsume you into the marinera horde, the lake. And he goes, I will not let that happen again. Just as I did not let Mitt Romney beat me in the 2012 presidential election. And then he hears Mitt Romney's voice coming from the marinera. It's me, Barack. I'm the sauce.

Why is that dog not on top of your car? Why is it in the driver's seat? And you fully consume the essence of Mitt Romney into your marinera. And I, I, out of the ass of the robot, a pizza slice comes out and goes, cause I get an extra slice back. So you got five slices and it's got the soul of Mitt Romney. Perfect. Okay. And you come shooting out of the other side to your final bite. And you're like, I'm going to eat this. I'm going to eat this. I'm going to eat this. I'm going to eat this.

I'm going to eat this. I'm going to eat this. I'm going to eat this. And you come shooting out of the other side to your final obstacle. Six minutes. Six minutes. Five minutes. Five minutes. Was that a six? Yeah. Cops, cops are here. There's a blockade of cop cars full of cops earning $450,000 of taxpayer money per year for doing nothing more than playing out their high school bully fantasies. Is that the one you wrote today? Yes. They are bad guys ready to assault anything that moves.

So you are being bullied by barricaded. You come out of the tunnel and there are just cops as far as the eye can see. Screech. So get out of the car. Give us that pizza, nerds. And Barack Obama goes, I am coming out. You can't tell, but I am an African-American man. Oh, no. I am not holding anything in my hands. And the dough boy. The dough boy. The whitest one. Yeah. Secretly loads up, reaches into the glove box and loads up actual buzz saws into all the weaponry. Yeah.

So I stand in front of dough boy so that. I use a racial profiling against them. Exactly. They're blind to white people. Yes. They can't even see him. Like in their vision, it switches to their vision. And it's like the figure and form of Barack Obama is so bright. Yeah. That's all they can see. I am not being sneaky. I am obviously loading buzz saws into a gun to shoot them with it. It's blinding them so they can't even see this white little guy. It's working. Like they can't see him.

They can't see him at all. They can't see him at all. This is white sauce privilege. I look like Gandalf's staff. When they zoom. They're like, oh. And I go, hope, hope, hope. Okay. Roll. So who's the white guy? So who's rolling this? I guess we both have to. Okay. You're rolling two. Two. One. Fuck. Oh, no. Oh, shit. I want to sacrifice. Yeah, you can sacrifice a slice. You're back down to three slices. That's okay. Shit. Poops. The cops open fire. Oh, shit. That's all they know how to do.

That's all they know how to do. They saw people. They saw the car door open and they started firing immediately. And you're like, oh, shit. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. And you all duck out of the way. But the pizza slice, like the pizza box gets hit several times. It's riddled with bullets. Oh, my God. Dave is like, I summer at Martha's Vineyard. They keep shooting the pizza.

They're shooting the pizza specifically. They're old shooting. They keep saying, stop resisting. Stop resisting. But you got to get out of here. What do you do? You've only got two minutes. Oh, shit. So Barack Obama pulls out his cell phone. It's a phone. It's a phone. It's an iPhone 15 Pro. Great. And he sends an email to the chief of police. And then all of them simultaneously get emails that their 401ks are zeroed out because they invested with Merrill Lynch or whatever. Incredible.

Are you sacrificing a slice for this or rolling? I'll sacrifice a slice. Okay. So you got one slice left, I think. Oh, my gosh. Our precious one slice. Get in the car, everyone. Holy shit. Yeah. But they're so demoralized by the lack of money now. Oh, my God. They're like, oh, we're not getting paid. They all just walk away. They all just immediately walk away. They drop their guns and walk into the marinara sauce swamp and just kill themselves. Okay, Remy, this is the last chance.

Yeah, everyone get into the back of the car. Protect the pizza with your lives. Protecting the pizza with our lives. All right, gun it. I go into fourth, fifth, sixth gear. I don't know. There's so many gears. What do you roll? Are you rolling on this? I'll roll. I got… Oh, shit. I got to roll. What's that say? Four. Four? Yeah. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Yeah. Wait, is it four? Yes, it's four. It's four. Four. Four. Okay. Oh, my God.

So you see one of the cops who has taken what is not theirs and is eating a piece of pizza that they grabbed from your car when you weren't looking, and you're ripping through this now abandoned barricade of cars, the cow catcher on the front tossing them out of the way, and you rip the piece of pizza out of his mouth, throw it in the box, and you have made it through your delivery, screeching with… What do I do? Hit the red button. Stop. Red button. Stop. With… With 14 seconds to go.

Wait, who do we deliver to? Remember, I just… I didn't figure that out, so I just hit random article on Wikipedia a couple times to decide who it's gonna be. And who is… And in the last… With 14 seconds to go, you pull up to the house of… Barack Obama. The original Barack Obama. Oh, geez. It's just a clone brain that's in his body. Yeah. You pull up to the home of Polish singer, songwriter, and actress, Mary Jane. And she's a huge fan of the song, Maria Pesek. And she has been…

She is living in a wonderful pizza commune on the outskirts of Domino's territory, and the car comes to a screeching halt in the front. Two slices remain. You eject them. We eject them directly into the Dijmbe that she's playing. Exactly. And they land right in her mouth, and she nods. And she's like, I can't believe this. And she nods. And she continues to play her Dijmbe. They go through… I don't know what kind of instrument that is, but they go through…

If it was a saxophone type of instrument, they go through and then in through her mouth. Assuming they are a Dijmbe. Assuming it's a kind of saxophone that you suck on. Yeah. Assuming it's… Yeah. It's a thing that you can suck through. Yeah. That it's… There's a tube in it. And you have only just barely completed your delivery in 30 minutes or less. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

They just barely completed your delivery in 30 minutes or less. Let's never play that again. My heart is racing. So stressful. It's so stressful. It's nice to have a time limit, but boy, it hurts to have a time limit. I love it. It's so good. We lost so many pizzas in this round. Oh, did we? We did so well last time. We did. You really did. I was worried… I think we delivered a whole pizza last time. I think you actually did get a whole pizza out. Wow. I was worried that…

The game was too easy. Yeah. I was wrong. Okay. I think that's where we're going to end it. That is the end of this stream. Thank you so much for joining us. This was a marathon one. Thank you for joining us for all of the announcements and all of your questions and for 30 minutes or less. If there's anything that you want to remember or go over, remember that the archive for this stream is available at the link that you joined it in.

So if you want to watch the recording later, that is available to you. Thank you so much for joining us and all of the other stuff that we've covered in this episode. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. And remember that the archive for this stream is available at the link that you joined it in. So if you want to watch the recording later, that is available to you.

Thank you so much for joining us and all of the menders that popped in for the first one for the big announcement. Wonderful to have you as well. Thank you. Okay, everybody. I've been your Gamemaster, Sean O'Hara. Joining me as always playing Remi Remington, the dog driver. Jessica Tai. Bye, everyone. Playing Doughboy Dave, the corporate shill. Paul Loppers. Take care, guys. Thank you so much. Playing former president of the United States, Barack Obama, Abdulaziz.

It was a pleasure to be with you today. We'll see you next time, everybody. Goodbye.

Spout Lore is made possible by contributions from our listeners. If you'd like to support us, go to patreon.com slash Spout Lore. Gather round, friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes, noble and bold. A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old. You know them by name, you know them by deed. Their quests are famously daring. So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing. Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight.

Fingers half-elf, he shifts his shape and wields a spear with great might. Billy's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart. Best and brightest, they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts. So gather round, friends, and listen close. For the tale's about to start. Hello everybody and welcome to Spout Lore. I'm your game master, Sean O'Hara. Joining me as always, playing Tacoma Dome, the barbarian, Abdul Aziz. Hello everybody.

Playing Ving, the half-elf druid, Paul Oppers. Hello there. And playing Fat Billy, the halfling thief, Jessica Tai. Hello. When last we left our heroes, they had been united and in some cases reunited with wild, Bill, halfling survivalist, Sam Elliott impersonator, and leader of the freedom fighters known as the Crows. Yeah.

There was some tension at first as Billy tried to explain that he had returned to help the halfling lands and brought his friends with him and that they could all be of use in the battle to come. For only five gold coins a day. Oh, I forgot to ask for that. Oh yeah. Billy! I'm sorry. That's okay, here's a marble. You gotta stop leaving me in charge. Tuck told the story of the journey thus far using peck dancing and some flute accompaniment by Ving. I loved it so much I saw it in my head.

It's a new form of puppetry. It's incredible. The party convinced wild Bill that they would be of use to the dismay of Dorothy, halfling warrior and former betrayal target of Fat Billy all those many years ago in Mudlark. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. There's a problem.

Feast yeah bill told the party what the deal was that um there are two threats as we all know to the halfling lands currently jack wick aka the pumpkin king and razor tusk the war pig that has been apparently leading the hogs in their hog apocalypse while bill recently tracked down and did battle with razor tusk losing the fight but taking off one of razor tusks razor tusks in the battle using their brains wow and memories new what yeah this is I know pretty impressive the party connected designs imbued into razor tusks armor with the symbols on their own lunar steel armor recovered from lillian's tomb connecting them to a single dwarven smith wizard from back in the golden age determining also that razor tusk is incredibly powerful and is a very powerful weapon and is a very powerful weapon and is a very powerful weapon and is a very powerful weapon and is a very powerful weapon and is a very powerful to like one get the pigs down with combat and then also allow the pigs in the cavalry to work together totally but now it has spread to the wild pigs and then the plan was made to go to lone tree hill the fortress of the pumpkin king infiltrate get access to his food stores use those stores to attract razor tusk and end the threat to the everwood valley once and for all and that is where we find our heroes now marching through the mud flats through the desolation of the everwood valley sorry we have two of the crows with us you have a great number of crows a great number yes and among them wild bill shaving his handlebar mustache coming in disguise um but this is like the vast majority like they left a crew behind to watch the roost but this is sort of the plan get all the crows inside say they're prisoners whatever and then papa we do need birds and bird uh to vouch for us yeah and the whole way they've had their arms crossed in the baby born and they're like no yeah we're gonna parlay them into this you have to yeah I mean you did threaten to eat them I think I've threatened to eat them a couple of times I feel like it's kind of lost it if you were gonna eat us you would have done it I know I didn't follow through that's rule one of parenting and threatening is you have to follow through they've only seen you eat chickens what about could I could I use my summer fairy move oh yeah I was gonna actually I was gonna say the sun has risen all right does billy want to try and change his form no okay but billy rolls his fairy child yes oh one that's not good wait you rolled one d6 yes so isn't it two d6 yeah oh I mean plus your charisma and is that a d6 I think it's been like eight years yeah you six six an aid so somebody could potentially aid oh yeah yeah bing will aid okay bing is aiding by lifting him closer to the sun and giving him an airplane ride in the morning just like he likes 10 okay so that means billy gets a seven okay so I get three hold yes three hold can I use one to charm a small group or an individual for longer wait what sorry what's this what is this it's charm an individual for a short while and then you can charm a small group for a while but my summer move lets me charm either a small group or an individual for longer yes but are you but you did not change your season no but I'm just oh you have to turn into summer to use that I'm stupid you guys I thought I was a summer fairy and I forgot you forgot billy's been a spring fairy this whole time yeah oh my word so yeah billy is a spring fairy okay guys fucking delete this delete this whole way where's the delete button the one time jess was wrong we're keeping it in this is actually even more recorded now because we're doing video I do like that you slowly turned into an instagram girl like as you realized how wrong you had just been in the previous minute this is just his apology video I never thought I'd have to make this kind of video sorry something about my mental health I didn't know they always use that blah blah blah mental health stay tuned for a notes app screenshot brought to you by l'oreal fucking stupid stay tuned for that thing where I write a tweet even though it's too long but then I take a screen cap of the tweet and post that I post a photo of myself looking pretty hot but like unassuming and then a really long explanation underneath continuing comments yeah yeah affiliate links are in the description you better believe I'm you better believe I'm monetizing this video there's eight ads on this apology video check out my story tree this is my apology I'm stupid the end okay can I but I still do have so brave she's so brave she's so brave she's so brave she's so brave oh my god okay all right so billy's got three fairy fairy hold for the whole day for the whole day and I would like to use one right this second and are you turning into a summer fairy no okay I'm just confused okay I would like to charm an individual for a short while oh yeah I'll charm birdie because then he'll convince burda do I have to roll for it nope you just spend the point I just so you know I have two fairy hold I have two so burda is charmed uh-huh it's usually like glitter dust that farts out of your hand yeah I mean you know what ving airplanes me like a little airplane yeah and they're cinched into the bjorn yeah yeah and I just fart everywhere it's how we get the farts out you know when you burp a baby this is farting in the belly yeah you're kind of like squeezing my sides yeah I can't where's his hips I can't find his hips this kid doesn't have hips and birdie and burda are both like oh yeah but then burda is like oh pretty cute actually pretty cute that's a cute kid and I say burda what do you think you think this plan would work would you talk to the pumpkin king for us I mean he's pretty paranoid and like aren't you tired of dealing with him huh I am and birdie's like burda shut up shut up she's like shit these people if he was gonna eat us he would have eaten us by now that's true I haven't eaten you I'm kind of like a really good guy for not doing that I'm trying to make stockholm syndrome happen yeah he's like in his head he's like how do I make stockholm syndrome happen I haven't followed through with any of my threats you know I don't know what it is but the more that I'm held captive by these people the more I come I just can't I can't help the compulsion I really shouldn't tell you this but there's no way he's gonna be okay with all the crows coming in he's very paranoid you're gonna have to try and get him more on a one-to-one basis keep the crows nearby though because you're gonna need the help we'll make them hide by the compost pile yeah yeah by the compost pile that's a great idea could you use your fairy child to like get him to come in and help you with the compost pile make an illusion that they are just like compost I could maybe I disguise them as like an offering oh yeah the last of our potatoes oh yeah put them all in a cart and make them look like potatoes and what is the spring fairy oh yeah spring is I may convince create a convincing illusion without spending a hold okay so that's what I'll just do oh great yeah so billy's extra tricky when he's a spring fairy okay yeah all right so that's what I'll do and then uh burda kind of shakes her head a little bit after giving you all these ideas and this information is like hey hey hey wait a second bye uh and we're gonna do a perilous journey yeah to see what happens between here and lone tree hill totally all righty so somebody's got to scout ahead someone's got to navigate and if we're gonna stop long enough to eat someone will have to manage provisions I'll navigate by talking to the crows great I'll scout ahead there scout ahead is plus wisdom navigate is plus intelligence I got seven I got a six oh yeah so you're walking through the mud flats there are like farmhouses kind of scattered across the landscape mostly seem abandoned there are a couple like you see you'll walk past one and you'll see like curtains like oh and um you reach something you did not expect but you reach like a canyon oh maybe it's a canyon like formed out of things but what would it be hay bales yeah okay yeah like old equipment but like oh yeah oh maybe it's yeah it's like um a bunch of people tried to make barricades oh so they piled up like hay bales and carts and farm equipment and just like furniture so you're walking between tuck and vang it's not huge for you but billy there's these like towering walls of detritus that have been piled up and it kind of like like as you walk you can hear the wind shifting and all the piles of stuff like creaking against each other and all the crows are looking up fearfully you're all marching through this like for everybody else except for you two this like towering seemingly 50 60 foot high piles of old barricade that are create this winding chasm the crows up ahead you guys are kind of in the middle near the back almost of the marching order and a younger crow more inexperienced like walk is just like mystified by the wind and the wind is like oh my god I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die pile of stuff and walks up and like see something shining in the in the debris oh no and walks out and like reaches out to going in a boo oh my god you fool of a crow idiot and as he touches it you hear like rumble rumble rumble and then the walls start to fall in oh no so these huge piles of this crushing wave of debris is coming down on the group the cave of wonders yeah it is the cave of wonders yeah it is the cave of wonders yeah it is the cave of wonders yeah it is the cave of the cave of wonders yeah it is the cave of wonders yeah it is the cave of wonders yeah it is the cave of nothing but the lamp okay so tuck uh he like notices this start to happen like all of these things collapsing down and he's like no billy's gonna get really hurt so he runs forward and like picks up billy and actually he tries to pick up as many halflings as possible right as he runs a bunch of puppies flopping around and I feel like halflings have the same kind of skin to flesh connection right puppies have where it's just kind of loose it's loose and soft all the time so they can move their arms and legs around inside their skin okay so can I uh what is I want to do that and then start running to get through the canyon uh well first it would be like the speed with which you would scoop everybody up react in time to get people so 2d6 plus dexterity okay here we go so that's four amazing so then you see tuck like barrel forward trying to grab billy and uh he bends down just far enough that he's kind of like bent at the waist and these the two sides of this canyon and stuff just fall down on top of tuck and everybody kind of disappears from view there's a gaggle of halflings behind you that are still uncovered but a bunch of people just got covered by a bunch of discarded equipment what do you do I'm gonna use call of nature to call upon the element at hand and I want that element to be old furniture and stuff is that possible because they're made out of wood and iron yeah I mean they are made out of the elements great and I want to make a giant stag out of this stuff to get up out of the way oh pretty cool so 2d6 plus wisdom I think yeah 13 whoa he just yells out and then and then out of the yell yeah did somebody ask for help and everyone's sitting in the room and they're like uh antlers all the halflings are sitting in his antlers and tucks like all of a sudden on the back of this big furniture elk yeah great so it creates like a bus almost yeah people just have like chairs and stuff they're sitting in now my neighbor totoro yeah the cat bus kind of scenario yeah so there's a huge rumbling and clattering as all of this furniture builds on itself the sound waves of your cry for help pushing the furniture into this beautiful form of a vintage antique store elk yeah how big is this elk it's quite big yeah yeah big enough for tuck to like ride comfortably yeah yeah as well as all the halflings yeah 20 feet tall at the top of his horn antlers all right that's a big elk yeah everybody hop on look at all the fine teak furniture I am constructed of furniture yes that's a butter churn back there can you believe it all the halflings are just like going to touch and look at everything because they love mid-century modern halflings love antiques yeah a butter churn get out of my way move it are those fabergé oh don't touch those chuck is sitting in a rattan chair oh I like that yeah yeah oh we had talked about disguising the halflings as a pile of potatoes should we just put them inside of this thing and then gift it literally trojan horse it's a trojan elk it's a different whole different thing 100 I think that's what we should do so now you are in this furniture elk we see this beautiful creature made of this beautiful mid-century modern furniture rattling down the road the height of this thing keeps you out of the mud the going's a little bit slow just because it's got to like pull itself out of the mud and there's a lot more places for mud to get stuck because instead of just a solid leg it's a little bit more of a it's like a chair and a step ladder a chest of drawers actually now that you think about it there's probably a bunch of stuff like squirreled away in this thing because people were just hiding stuff oh my god loot can we loot this you can definitely search for it you can look around discern realities yes discern realities would be great yeah do it 2d6 plus wisdom 11 fuck oh three questions okay but here is useful or valuable to me are we looking for loot is that what we're doing yeah I think so or whatever always something cool yeah stuck all I can find is these oversized coca-cola bottle caps God, I antique store shit.

I found a dancing trout. A big mouth Billy Bass? Yeah. Okay, so what kind of stuff do you think Billy's looking for? Because I can imagine a lot of scenarios where Billy is digging through a box of stuff and is pulling out, oh, gold, not interested, or diamonds, not interested. I don't know what I'm looking for. I know the stuff I like. How about I read off a couple things and you can tell me if Billy would keep them. And if he says no, nobody gets them.

He throws them in the mud and they're lost forever. A terribly written novel whose plot seems to match the events that have happened in the reader's life. Where the book matches everything from the reader's life? Yeah, it just seems to be, I mean, to Billy's look, it's a book. Yeah, gone. Yeah, Billy's not interested. A set of five dice with elemental symbols and primordial runes instead of pips or numbers. Can't read, bye. Can't read, can't count.

A wooden training sword covered in bells and red and black swatches of fabric. It would be more suited to a jester than a soldier in training. Oh. Oh. I love that. Yes. This is what Billy keeps is a jingly sword covered in fabric. Wow. And Billy's like doing like swashbuckly moves. And he's like, look, look what I got. Tuck, from your rattan chair, you look, you hear jingling and you look up and Billy's like half out of a chest of drawers with a jingly sword. And Tuck looks up from his bag.

And he's rummaging around him. And he's like, Billy, did you find my custom dice, Ted? Has anyone seen my diary? Jingle, jingle. It's like when somebody, you like try really hard to not have annoying toys in your house for your kid. And then somebody buys them the loudest, most annoying thing for their birthday. Cool, this is going to be great for stealth. I'm going to practice all the time, you guys. I think better have batteries we can take out. Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle. Yeah.

Yeah. It's red and black and very like checkered and colorful. And yeah, covered in bells. I'll write this down. My treasure. So you have two more questions. Do you guys want to ask a question? What heater is not what it appears to be? Oh, that's a good question. Like why was it? Why was there a barricade? Yeah. Very good question. What was it barricading from? Yeah. Oh. What is rushing to meet where the barricade was? A flood. A flood. A flood. A flood. A pig flood. Oh, it's not even like it's.

Pigs riding the flood. A hog slide. Oh, no. A hog slide. Yeah. It's not even like charging pigs. It's just like a roiling mass of pigs that are approaching doing their own thing. Yeah. Billy's got his binoculars out. Like, what are they doing? I've never seen the move like that. Yeah. As you reach the point where the barricade ended, you see that like you've reached a point where there are still a good number of healthy. E crops. Oh. Mm. So you're like, oh, great. There's some corn.

There's some squash. There's like actual vegetables here that are still growing and they seem healthy. And then why were they barricading their own crops? Unless. The ground. They were trying to keep something out of the crops. We turn around. A wall of porcine flesh. Oh, no. Not interested in you in the slightest, but you can see Billy through your binoculars. You can see in their eyes. The only thing they have eyes for is corn. No. Oh, shit. And the elk turns back and goes, well, this is.

Oh, no. And it starts to like try and hurry up. You can feel like the rumbling in the furniture. Is it trying to strain? But its legs are sinking deeper and deeper into the earth. The soft ground saturated with what we have learned is now magical. Water is becoming particularly difficult for the elk to remove itself from the hog slide approach. What do you do? We have one more question, right? Yes, you do have one more question. I guess we should be on the lookout for. That's a good one.

Yeah, I would say that the most obvious is a way to stem the tide, a way to distract them away from the corn that they so desperately desire. I could try and scare them away. I could do like a war cry or something. Cool. That is true. You could try and scare them off somehow. All right. So Tuck says, Don't worry, I've dealt with this kind of thing before. So. So. A couple of the crows turn to each other and go, What is he talking about? I was a bouncer. I'm used to this.

One time, insane cloud posse planet bar. I believe the hordes I had to repel. Have you ever had to, like, push Fred Durst out of your bar? Pretty much this. It's the same thing. Okay. Do you six plus? Here we go. 14. Okay. Oh, my God. Yeah. So everybody gets a plus one forward in dealing with this threat. And also they react accordingly. So describe this scene for me. Yeah. Tuck just gets out. He jumps down and he, like, huge spray of mud as he hits the ground. Yeah. That's sick. Yeah.

And then Tuck, like, starts running towards them, like Hulk running. Yeah. And then as he's running, he goes, You have to stay to the side. The lineups against the building. I'm sick. Single file. Please. Not you. You're cool. Yeah. Not you. You can't come in with those shoes. You're not allowed to wear a hat. It's disrespectful to the dancers. That was a rule at bar. No hats inside. It depended on the performance. That makes sense. And then as I meet the first one, you see, it goes slow motion.

And then, like, Tuck, like, he uses a move that he learned from dealing with the Insane Clown Posse, and where he, like, drops his shoulder and then, like, kneels down. And then as soon as the first pig makes contact, he, like, pops up really fast. And then it starts flipping end over end into the air. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Great. And that scares the pigs around that pig. Yeah. Against all odds, do not want to fly. And they start to just, like, roadblock each other. Yeah.

They pile up above you, like, way over your head, this pile of pigs begins to form. From their perspective, Daryl, who is the leader of the group, disappeared. The pig's name is Daryl? Yeah. Okay. And Daryl's flying through the air, and he's looking at the sky careening above him and thinking, how did I get here? I was going to be a dentist. It's like sky, ground, sky. Yeah. He keeps going up. He just continues. Gaining momentum. He's going faster. Oh, my God. Into the sky.

We see him leave the atmosphere. We can hear the other ones go, Alfa Daryl. We see him leave the atmosphere of the planet, and the stars surround him, a velvety blanket of night. A little ching in the sky. A little star is created. One million years from now, he sails past his home. Yeah. Yeah. He's in a nebula. He thinks, I've seen so much of this universe. I feel as if I am at one with it. And then he sees a star approaching, and he's pulled into its orbit. Oh, my God.

And as he's drawn towards the burning fusion core, he thinks, finally. Before he is stretched infinitely thin. Becoming one with the string of the universe. And then pops out in our universe. Yeah. Then he's back at the front of the pigs, and no time has passed. He's like, what the fuck was that? And then Tuck pops in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh my gosh. And so it was on for eons forever and ever.

Daryl becomes the wisest being in the universe. This is canon. Part of what made this happen was because like Tuck is like a metaphysical entity that is strange in the universe because he knows his own end point. Right. So the way that fate interacts with him is maybe weird sometimes. And then the cartoonness of the halfling lands is creating like weird mixes of because it's also like fairy magic and like whatever Tuck is. So Tuck, you run towards this group of pigs.

You start to drop your shoulder using a move that you learned from the insane clown posse. From dealing with the insane clown posse. I was not in it. It was. I was not. I cannot say this enough times. I was not in the insane clown posse. I've only ever had one family. People keep. Thinking I was in the insane clown posse. I don't know, man. Sounds like you're in the ICP. And it's not from dealing with the insane clown posse's fan base. No, it's them. It was from dealing with them.

Shaggy too dope. And the other guy, Violent J. The other guy. But this like great boulder of pig flesh has been formed. And the flow, Billy and Ving, you can see this from the back of the furniture elk. You see it break against in a great wave. And the waters are diverted. There's sort of a current of pigs formed in either direction in this massive flood of hogs goes elsewhere. And the corn is safe. And all the crows begin to applaud on top of the elk, seeing this incredible feat of strength.

But while Bill goes, he smells the air. What is it? They've only been scared for now. They will return. We have to keep moving. How do you know that? You deal with pigs. Long enough. You learn their ways. Up on big guy. I get back into the retention. Okay. He leans down and like, does the one hand pulls up, you know, pulls him on the back. Yeah. Wait, you do that. Ving does from on top of the, on top of the elk. You know, he sings this. We just like gallop aside. Yeah. And then.

But the way you pull me up, you put me behind you. Yeah. And his hands stop resisting. His hands gently snake around your waist to secure themselves. So yeah, I just put my hand. It's around Ving's waist. Yeah. And I hide. I ride behind him for a bit. All right. Nothing here. Probably. I'm not aroused. If he's not around, if he becomes aroused, things are going to be different very soon. And the journey continues.

The furniture elk rattling along, accompanied by the jingling, this unceasing jingling of bells. Just turn into a reindeer. Yeah. Wow. Oh my God. Stop. Yeah. It's just whacking it against stuff. It's tiring being such a good warrior. Billy's coming up with the names for these moves. This one is eternity. Stab. Whoa. Eternal stab. Oh my God. Eternal stab. Eternal. This one is honorable stab. Oh, it just went up. Okay. Yeah. We were waiting for the other. But it just goes up.

This one is secret stab. Oh my God. That's when we learned that the wooden part of the knife was just a sheath. Oh my God. Oh, fuck. It's just a blade. It's a real blade. The blade is decorative. Great. Then you continue through the day. The sun begins, like continues to rise in the sky. The methane fumes of a million of us. One million hog asses creating a beautiful tapestry of color. Oh. Oh. How long do we think the journey takes to launch? 45 minutes. Yeah.

I feel like it's like a 45 minute thing. Then about 30 minutes. It's like driving from here to Costco is how long it is. Okay. Yeah. So about 30 minutes pass and you start hearing. The biggest grocery store in the area. Yeah. It's that's what. That's what we're doing. We're going to Costco. We're going to Costco. We're going to Costco. And a Dodge Grand Caravan. Yeah. That's the elk's name is Dodge. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's great. Okay. Well, I think we're coming up on Lone Tree Hill.

I think that's what you said. The place was called. Thank you. I can see quite a distance from up here and they are freaking out. Like how? What are they doing? Well, the thing is, is I'm a 20 foot tall elk made out of discarded furniture and farm equipment and anyone would be afraid of that. So what do you want to do? So the plan was to use this as like a Trojan horse kind of thing, but it's walking there. We could add it.

If the Trojan horse was a real moving horse, that would have not worked at all. Whoa. Holy fucking shit. Wait. So should I stop moving? Yes. They have seen us. They've seen me. What if you and Ving get out and like pretend to pull this? Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Principality and this is like an offering because we've heard of the great pumpkin king yes yes our our princeps have sent us to make contact with the great leader known as the pumpkin king yeah birdie burda you got that you got that hello oh right yeah yeah yeah yeah we've got that wait a second hey get over here their charm is worn off yeah get over here we're still I can't we can't move we're in a baby oh right I'll get over here no barely say that to tux I have to lean down really really low you have to bend down further okay can I threaten them absolutely you can okay do I have to roll this threaten them uh yeah it's usually like a charisma kind of thing seven partial success I'll fucking kill you wow there was no subtext what a threat oh fuck it you as far as threats go pretty effective birdie burda think about it you're gonna be walking in there with a bunch of soldiers and if you want to go against us tuck here is gonna eat you so fast he's gonna chomp so hard and chew so much you're not even gonna you're not even gonna feel it but you are gonna feel it because like he's gonna make sure you feel it and tuck in his head he's like I've for sure set a bad example here I think he's looking at tuck with eyes wide open you see what your words have done you see the way you talk around him yeah so what you know what you gain from this what you glean from this information with the seven to nine is they will play their part in trying to get you inside no telling how they're going to react once you are past the but they know they know we'll kill them yeah there's they seem pretty like does billy mean this like I think billy thinks he'll kill them okay yeah the sword is kind of taking over right now yeah billy takes the little sword the jangly sword and he like does like the slit across the next thing with the dull side that's what I'll do to to you he does two fingers points to you to you great that's a good move uh okay then they eyes are wide they go all right okay all right calm down billy does the thing that kids do where they try and layer it on with like weirder threads yeah they're like I'll stab you in the butt with it I'll stab you so far in the butt you'll never get out of it you'll never have a poop again and and then and then you'll be like you so covered in poop and then I'll be like haha I'll chase you around with your own just muttering tips just walking as you guys continue on billy's walking next to tuck continuing the utter threats that's so funny it's basically threatening you at this point in tuck's head he's like oh wow I'm a bad dad this kid's out of his fucking mind he's out of control today I this is my own me this is basically like a full side real sword it could do so much damage it'll go all the way through you all the way through you and then sometimes the things you say are really fucked up yeah I wonder what it would look like on the other side of you uh so you basically get like a hundred meters away from lone tree hill yeah billy has cast an illusion on the crows yeah okay so you're like oh my god I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die like transporting food on this I see that's the story exotic potatoes yes there's like it's constructed like a horn of plenty out of the out of part some of the shit but there's there's a horn of plenty that goes into its butt yeah yeah dodge goes you can cut that out it's so funny and yeah so you hear like a bunch of horns well you hear a bunch you see a bunch of halflings put horns to their mouths and go hey they're talking into the horns who goes there being the mimes pulling on rains and the elk comes to a stop and I'm gonna pretend to be your servant okay okay all right who goes there it is us the arcanicons from big city place and I'm but a mild servant shut up I'll do the talking you don't I don't know my place I'm but a stupid brute you'll learn your place you'll learn the back of my hand not again master not again he leans his hand up and the halfling on the on the wall goes whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa and we cast an eye back at him there's no need for all this please help me jesus christ we came into this so extra bills yeah we're acting this shit yeah bill on the back wild bill bill on the back like glamored to look like a potato is like what the fuck do they do this is one of the younger girls is like no no no let them finish we bring sustenance and entertainment and billy uh comes out with his little sword and like does a trick his eye the world trainedest clown in all the land trainedest yes okay let him let him do his pitch let him do his pitch okay so a big mechanical elk some potatoes and a little clown boy we are what you would call a circus of old days from before the exodus we bring food in exchange for your applause all right we're doing a circus now I like the way this is going totally forgot ving decided that the plan is you're a circus all the time yes yes stuck up in his character yes And then Tuck tries to salvage it.

He goes, My lord! We were sent from… Vig has his hand raised to the level. Vig raises it to hear me. He's like, wait a second. No, I should hear him out. Hear him out. We were sent as a gift from the princeps of the Firefields Principality. To entertain you. They have heard of the greatness of Jack Wick. Or as they now call him, the Pumpkin King. And you look around and there are stakes all around Lone Tree Hill with rotting pumpkins carved into grimacing jack-lantern faces.

And the banners of the Pumpkin King adorn the makeshift walls. Someone's gonna have to roll a parlay. 2d6 plus charisma. Of course the offer is… Oh. We bring you entertainment. In the form of a world-renowned circus containing the smallest clown that has ever lived. The smallest, most trainedest clown. The smallest, most trainedest clown. The most trainedest clown that has ever lived. He's a knife jester. Yeah. He's a knife jester. And also we come as like a gift from another world leader.

Yeah, one of the principalities. An established nation. We're feeding into his ego. Totally. We have come to be awash in the limelight that is the Great Wick. Mm-hmm. The brightest light in these lands. I got a five. God damn it. Okay, so I think they're like, Uh, one moment. Let us go and confer with our liege. And he disappears. And you're all stuck standing around there for a while. And you hear from the back of the elk, Hey. Shut up. Hey. What? What the hell are you doing? Where?

Improvising. Exactly. Improvise? There was a plan. Yeah. Don't worry about the plan. It will still happen. Probably. Probably. Our experience is that no plan works. Half as good as chaos. No plan survives contact with us trying to remember the plan. Just no plan survives contact. No plan survives. No plan. No plan. No plan. No plan. No plan. No plan. No plan. No plan. No plan. No plan. No plan. No plan. No plan. No. Nope. No plan. We just make plan for fun. Yeah. We don't mean plan.

Legitimately, as a duo, we literally made seven different plans on the walk here. On the way here. Yeah, totally. That's true. A plan is something you make on the way to coming up with the end. Great. So probably like 15 minutes later, the guard returns. To describe the guards of Lone Tree Hill, he's got the tabard, the tabard with the pumpkin, the jack-o'-lantern drawn on it. Yeah.

And then he has like a wooden bucket, but the slats over the eyes have been broken out to create this little helmet with the nose bridge. So cool. Very cute. And then he's got a little pitchfork and his big horn that he's yelling at you through. Arlise, the pumpkin king, has denied you entrance into Lone Tree Hill, but will allow you to set up your carnival outside the walls. What say you? We must confer. One moment. We huddle. Yeah.

And Bill, the potato, Bill is a potato, goes, oh, that'll work. Okay. Okay. That'll work. Okay. Because we can set up out here and then the town will kind of be all distracted because they'll come out and they'll do the carnival. Yeah. We'll put on an actual play for them. Yeah. You guys got to put on a fucking circus now. You know what? What? This is the birthplace of the Lone Tree Hill Theater. Yeah. Oh, boy. We have a couple of those shows memorized. Probably. Probably close.

Yeah, probably pretty close. Probably close. Okay. It's the namesake of it, at least. Yeah. Yeah. I turn back. We agree to your terms. Quiet, you. I'll agree to their terms. I'm so sorry, my lord. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Billy. I'm so sorry. Tuck gets really close to Ving's face where he's just like, I know you had a bad dad, but you can't fucking take this shit. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I am not. Me, my lord. I am somebody else, and I apologize.

You do that again, and we're going to have a fucking problem. That's right. Unhand me, you brute. I'm sorry, master. It works with Tuck. I can do it with Tuck. I get it. And you are given leave to set up your carnival outside the walls of Lone Tree Hill. Yeah. Okay. Is the plan the same? Are the crows still disguised as potatoes? Yeah. Are they going to be disguised as roustabouts and circus people now? Oh, no. They would recognize them. Yeah. Everyone knows each other. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. We know each other here. That's true. Oh, okay. We got to set up as if we are the whole show. It's you three. And then the crows will have a chance when everyone's distracted with the circus to sneak in and do the actual shit. The sabotage. The sabotage. We'll park this really close to one of the walls. Yeah. In classic spell or fashion, we've set up an important action that needs to happen, and then we'll do the play version of it while the important thing happens in the background.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The NPCs. Yeah. Yeah. Sean will do all the good stuff. While a true detective style raid happens, you guys will be out here. Yeah. Ready yourselves for the show of your life. Four ticks past sundown. Get ready. Gives himself a round of applause. And the guard starts clapping. Deep bows. Deep bows. My hair goes in the mud. Yeah. Tucks really into this Quasimodo thing he's doing. Oh, my God. I shall set up the stage, me lord. Don't tell me what you're doing. Just do it.

He hobbles away. I'm sorry. Oh, God. This is such a growth period from the Crystal Bay disguise where everyone kept calling Tuck a twisted crone. And he was like, guys, am I ugly? He's really tucking into it. Am I fucking really? Why does everybody keep saying I'm ugly? I'm a twisted crone. Because he didn't change any of his face. What's wrong with me? Oh, it's just a disgusting crone. What the fuck? There's another one. Okay. So two hours from then. Tell me how those two hours pass.

How you set it up. We take a bunch of the chairs out from within the elk bus. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's smart. We set them up. Yeah. Yeah. Is there like a table or like something that could be? Made into a stage in the elk as well? Yes, there is. There's several tables. Yeah. Yeah. This all worked out very nicely. Yeah. Yeah. So the elk kind of like starts getting smaller as you're taking furniture out of them.

Tuck's like, hey, Dutch, do you have like limelights or anything for like theater lighting? They line up a bunch of their jack-o'-lanterns with a bunch of candles. That's great. That's smart. Yeah, we put those on the stage. Put shields behind them so it reflects it onto the stage. Fun. I like that. Very cool. Tuck spends a bunch of time. I'm like rigging the stage with pyrotechnics. It's actually a really high tech. We brought those ourselves. Yeah. Pyrotechnics that Tuck made. Yeah.

Do you still have the dragon scab? Yes. Okay, cool. Sorry, what? Dragon scab. Scale. Scale. No, dragon scabs. Ew. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The like gunpowder. The gunpowder. Is dragon scabs. Yeah, I have some gunpowder, black powder. Did I say dragon powder is or gunpowder is dragon scabs? Well, I certainly said it. In season five, when we found the gunpowder. Okay. I actually like that it's called dragon powder. Oh, dragon powder. That's a cool name for it. Yeah. But anyway.

Can I roll to use Bing's gunpowder to rig up a shitload of pyrotechnics around the stage? Yeah, I suppose so, but it's going to be intelligence. Okay, that's fine. Wait, can I make it charisma? Because it's kind of a performance thing. You can't use charisma to make something. Can't just be like, hey, gunpowder. You want to become a firework? But it is a performance thing. I can see a play for wisdom. Charisma is a bridge too far. Okay, yeah, I'm just going to do this.

I'm going to try with intelligence. Great, great. 2d6 plus intelligence. Here we go. Oh, God, please. I want this to look sick as fuck. And also, the pyrotechnics would help us because it would be distracting as hell. Totally. That's a two. I just, I build a bomb. Yeah. Tuck packs a bunch of gunpowder. I put gunpowder into a bunch of tubes. I put gunpowder into all of the music bottles that I have. Yeah. Oh, shit. I put fuses. In these glass music bottles? Yeah.

And some of them are metal, because the heavy metal ones. And I put fuses in them. Yeah. And I've set like 12 up around the stage. And I was like, when these go off, it's going to be sick. It's pretty funny to get a bunch of your enemies and be like, we're going to do a play. And then surround the stage with claymore mines facing the audience. Musical pipe bombs. Incredible. But in Tuck's head, these are going to like go off like sparklers. Yeah, it's going to be super cool. Yeah.

So the stage is set up. The chairs are set out. The stage is rigged with bombs. And okay, is there anything we want to figure out about the performance itself? Or do we want to let that ride? I would like to use my druidic lore. Oh, snap. Call upon plays from the ages. Ancient druidic plays, comedies. 12. Okay, so what is a 10 plus on druidic lore? On 10 plus, it's a hit. GM asks you a question about the subject. Whatever you say is true. Yeah. So tell me about an ancient druidic performance.

It sounds like a comedy. And what that play is about. So there's this ancient druidic comedy. That's about a druid on Hibernia. Just living his life, trying to make his way in the world on Hibernia. And then finds out that he has a long lost cousin from way up in the White Cloud Mountains. At first, they don't know each other. But then their relationship works out. And they get along perfectly. You could say that they're perfect strangers. Yeah, okay, there we go. You, he's a…

It's a bumbling buddy comedy. Of just like mismatched people. Yeah, it's a classic slapstick comedy of errors. Yeah. Yeah, I like the idea that it is like an ancient play in that way where like, it's funny. Maybe not in a modern way. But it's like entertaining. It stemmed from, it was a way of druidic culture to spread knowledge. So that we get somebody from other cultures to come in and play like, I don't know your rituals. And they would share rituals. Oh.

And you could share different knowledge. It was a way of spreading knowledge. But in a fun and comfortable way that was accessible. Yeah. Because they're very guarded. You know, as we learned on Hibernia when… Yeah. Don't come here, blah, blah, blah. Catch this, you did that. Yeah. Yeah. So I imagine that, so that will help. Yeah. It's called Imperfect Strangers. Imperfect Strangers. Great. Okay, great. So that'll really help sell this distraction. Having like a real written play. Yeah.

And I imagine there are three parts. Is everybody taking part in this play? Or is Billy doing his clown thing before to warm them up? I don't know. It doesn't matter. I think there's three parts. We'll do three parts. Yeah. I think it's also the kind of thing where we were like, all right, Billy, Ving has this play that he wrote, there's a part for you. And then Billy was like, okay, yeah, I'll do it. And then he reads his lines, but he…

You know when a kid is in a play, but he's also just like got a lightsaber with him? Yeah. Yes. You're like, yeah, I won't do it without the lightsaber. Great, great. So I'm the little boy that lives with the cousin and his friend, and I have a sword. Yeah. And I do tricks. I do tricks during the day. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so anything else we want to set up? We've got pyrotechnics rigged. The play is prepared. I think we should talk to the crows and like- Yeah. Yeah.

Come up with like the thing- So you guys like casually lean against Dodge and talk to a bunch of potatoes. Yeah. It looks like we're talking into the elk's ass. Yeah. Yeah. We're just putting on the- Yeah. We're just putting on the- Yeah. We're just putting on the- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Comes after the entertainment. Yes. Yeah. And then that, like, you have to stay for the whole show if you want your food, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. Or if it's a convincing illusion, we say, here's the food. Take it inside. Come out for the show. The food's inside. They already took it in. Oh. Oh. That's smart. Yeah. Wait, who's taking it in? They are. The audience. Yeah, they load it up. They're like, oh, thanks for the food. We'll put it inside.

Then we'll come back out for the show. Oh, I see. And the food is the potatoes. Yes. Okay, I see. So they'd take the elk in, and then they would come out and watch the show. Yeah. Because the elk's ass is the horn of plenty. Yes. Yeah. The elk would go in. When Dodge hears that, he kind of waves his butt. He would just be plooping out potatoes. Plop, plop, plop, plop, plop. Yeah, that works, I think. That makes sense. Okay. Billy goes out there, and the illusion's still working, right?

Yes, yeah. Okay. Dear audience, we need your assistance. We need your assistance in moving the food into your palace. For we have not been given leave by your lord to enter. Behold, it is the elk of plenty. Within his nether regions are many potatoes. Potatoes, potatoes, potatoes. Potatoes of all kinds and shapes and sizes. New, red, plum. Plum. Yellow. Russet. Large. Yukon. And Prince Edward Island. The spuds are big on the back of that elk because of one Prince Edward Island.

Russet, yellow, red, and Prince Edward Island. Fuck, it's so funny. You do see the guards who have come out, because it seems like Lone Tree Hill is mostly militia at this point. Uh-huh. But you see them like, I don't know, I don't know. And then you hear like, thump, thump, and you look up on the wall, and there's a halfling draped in black burlap atop his head, an orange pumpkin. Whoa. Ew. With a grinning mouth. Whoa. And angry eyes. Whoa. I bow. Yeah, I take a knee too. The pumpkin king.

My lord, tis an honor. And he looks to the guards, and he nods. And he recedes from the wall, back into his fortress. Whoa. Whoa, that guy's fucking scary. And they rush forward, and they all start like, trying to figure out how to move the elk. Dodge. Creak. And it begins to step, and it steps over the wall. Oh. Cool. So tall. And comes to a rest inside. Sick. And a few moments later, the guards come back out, and a few unarmored individuals, and they come back out.

And they all settle into their chairs. Does the king come out to watch the play? The pumpkin king stays up on the wall. Like, he stays behind his walls. Okay. Yes. That makes sense. But you can see him watching in the distance. All right. Okay. It's time for the play to begin? Yeah. Yeah. Who's who? We didn't… I don't know either of these movies. I know the name, Perfect Strangers. Yes. Me too. And that's it. Yeah. But it's a guy, because it's like a normal guy, and then like a, oh, wacky.

Wacky foreign guy, right? That's the movie. That's the imperfect. That's the Perfect Strangers. Yeah, but you can make it be whatever we want. Yeah. It's whatever we want. We're doing it Lone Tree Hill style. Okay. And then, so Tuck comes out, and he's in like full theater regalia. Yeah. Wait. What does that mean? Like a white face. He's in white face. Yes. And then black's everywhere else. He's in white face. He's wearing sort of like one of those Victorian collars. Mm-hmm.

He's got like the teardrop black makeup on his eyes. He's… He's… He's… He's got jingle jangleys all over his… So he's dressed like a harlequin. A leotard. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then he goes, lords, ladies, and all you regular people out there. And they all go, yeah. It's Tuck in the Woods. We're watching that movie. After we're done recording. He does… He does Chaucer's lines from… Night's Tale. Night's Tale.

My lords, my ladies, and everyone else here are not sitting on a cushion. We, the players of the Firefields Principality, bring you Imperfect Strangers, a story of two estranged cousins from distant lands. One from the Halfling lands. Wong. Wong. And everyone goes, Halfling lands, that's where we are. Billy walks out with his arms out and sword pointed up. Like a wrestler. He's the Halfling land representative. Yeah. He's dressed kind of like Nacho Libre. Yeah.

He's got a Speedo and tights and a mask on. He's painted his face to look like a mask. A little tiny mustache. Yeah. Mustache. And a cape. Yeah. Just… His big curly hair. Jack Black. Jack Black. Billy completely misunderstood what was happening. Billy's nodding along as if he knew anything, which he does not. He took Wild Bill's mustache and he put it on. Yes. Wild Bill's got one eyebrow. And his cousin, long estranged from the druidic lands of Hibernia. Comes running in with a robe. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. He also thinks it's a wrestling match. Yeah. Yeah. And you see the Halflings in the front row like… Like… Like they fall back. And he goes… Ah! Both alike in countenance, but from different houses, different families. A long standing feud between them. How will they resolve it? Will they resolve it with diplomacy? And he puts his hand to his… Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Boo. Boo. Look at the back like… Yeah. I love diplomacy. I vote diplomacy. Or will they solve it with…

Murder! One guy in front. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, buddy. It scares Tuck a little bit. Whoa. With violence! Yeah! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! And then Bing and I are doing a synchronized dance. Oh my God. We fire off one to pyrotechnic. No, Tuck, as soon as he says rumble, he lights all the fuses. Oh shit. So now the fuses are lit and are slowly burning. And we do not know when they're going to go off.

And Tuck in his head is like, when this goes off, everyone's going to be so proud of me. They're going to be blown away. Everyone's going to be proud. We've forgotten all about the plan. Oh man, I'm such a showman. And I think that's where we're going to end it for this week. Thank you so much for joining me, everybody. Playing Tacoma Dome, the Barbarian, and joining me as always, Abdul Aziz. So long, everybody. Playing Ving, the Half-Elf Druid, Paul Hoppers. Hands off, you brute.

Playing Fat Billy, the Halfling Thief, Jessica Tai. Bye. Bye, everyone. Thank you so much to all of our supporters around the world. Our show would not be possible without your support. If you like the show and you like that we've been able to keep it ad-free this long and want it to continue to be ad-free, that is not a threat. If you do not support, we will still keep it ad-free, but it'd be really helpful if you went to patreon.com slash speltlore or speltlore.com slash money, please.

Hey, maybe, you know, maybe you toss us some dollars. Maybe it stays ad-free. Hey, it's a pretty nice ad-free. It's a pretty nice ad-free podcast you got here. It'd be a shame if something happened to it. It would be a shame if someone put six ads for Huberman's green drink in here. It helps you cheat on your wife, just like Huberman. Six ads in the middle of the podcast, just for Huberman infidelity juice. Huberman's green drink. It helps you cheat on your wife. Oh, my God.

The fact that it's just called green drink. Huberman cheated on his wife with seven different women. He said it was not, his whole thing was about how dopamine is bad, so he must have hated all of that sex. The science supports it, okay? Yeah, bro science. Huberman. Huberman. Huberman labs. Huberman labs. Cheat on your wife. Cheat on your wife. So anyway, that's what it would be like if we had ads. Yeah, exactly.

And if you don't want that to happen, even though it's hilarious, go to patreon.com slash speltlorist, beller.com slash money, please. As a bonus, you get access to a whole whack of shit, including a whole bonus campaign set in the High Spear Mall, postcards with original art and writing from the crew, the speltlor almanac, where we do a bunch of cool world building. There is something hidden in one of the most recent almanacs. Whoa. From us.

That is actually a canonical story beat hidden in a recent almanac. Oh shit. And I will continue to do so in future entries. Whoa, really? Yeah. Oh fuck. Yeah, baby. Oh fuck. And then that would be great. So patreon.com slash speltlorist, beller.com slash money, please. Oh, and you can also play like one of the tiers is like games run by myself or Abdul. Yeah. Sean's is the wizard tier. Mine is the piss monster tier. Yeah, it's a lot of fun.

So if you want to play games with us, that is a possibility. Thank you to Aaron Reed for our intro and outro music and all of the music produced on the show. You can find Aaron at bandcamp.com under the name ACR, and you can find all the music produced for the show on Spotify. Oh yeah. And everywhere. The speltlor soundtrack is now available online on your music streaming services. So check that out. Thank you so much. Finally, and most of all to all of you for listening. See you next time.

Also, Ryan, can you clip the video for this and then tag Huberman in it, please? No, tag Huberman's wife in this. Oh my God. Don't do that. She needs to know. She needs to know. She knows already. It's our duty, man. Poor lady. Yeah. All right. Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. But gladly spout law.

Hi everyone, it's Fat Billy here. Thanks for coming, listening to our podcast. If you want more podcasts, you can go to patreon.com slash spoutlore, where you can give us some money. And I like money, so I can buy snacks. You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring. So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing. Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight.

Fingers half-elf, he shifts his shape and wields a spear with great might. Billy's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart. Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts. So gather round. And listen close, for the tale's about to start. War against the unclean hog hordes in the desolate mudscape of the Everwood Valley. In a fight that had it all. Pig motorcycles, anime headbands, little kids flapping like flags on the back of a hog.

Bird on bird violence. Bird on bird violence. Ving was almost completely drowned, pushed further and further into the mud by a horrible pig. Private Ryan moment, and then emerged using his newfound ability to call forth the spirits to eliminate two of the hogs with some water snake moves. It was a sick fight. It was a very cool fight. It was maybe one of the cooler fights we've done. Which is absurd, because it's been seven years and the coolest fight that we've had was up against some pigs.

And we only rolled twos as damage. Exactly. Following the fight, the party was stopped by one of the scarecrow clad halflings. Asked to state their business and told about the crows, a faction of halflings that, according to their own words, are attempting to repel the tyranny of the pumpkin king. Which the party immediately was like, that sounds sick. Yeah. Let's do that. Immediately forgetting the allegiances we have already forged.

And we, at that point, had also forgotten that we were being tracked by a god. Yep. Yep. Yep. We're like two tangents deep right now. Oh, yeah. I also forgot about that. Yeah, those are the stakes. Yeah. Birdie and Birda, your original guides, then became your hostages as you tightened the baby Bjorn, securing these two soldiers of the pumpkin king, and were taken to the roost.

It seems like a maybe previously existing halfling village that has been co-opted and occupied by the crows as a sort of base of operations. Yeah. Once within this. This raucous, rootin', tootin', honky-tonk, halfling mud village, you were faced by the leader of the crows, Wild Bill. Ooh. And that is where we find our heroes now. A two-foot-tall halfling, round of body, handlebar of mustache, dour of demeanor, snorts, spits, and then takes a sip of his mug of cream. Says, well, what do…

We have here. It is I, and Billy, like, takes a stance. What stance? Uh, like a… He's trying to do what Wild Bill is doing, which is kind of cowboy-y. Yeah, totally. He's trying to guess where his hips are. Yeah. Put his hands on them. He's moving his hands around like he's like, no, that's too high. Trying to find his hips. No, that's too high. No. No, that's back fat. Okay. I don't know. It feels like it's all back fat. Yeah. I think I'm all back fat. Guys, am I all back fat?

Uh, and then Billy, uh, like, he's like, I think it's my stance. So he like puts his legs wider and then, uh, slips in the mud. Oh no, accidental splits again. Yeah. And Wild Bill and the surrounding crows are just watching this happen. Watching Billy flop around in the mud. As I live and breathe. Is that fat, Billy? Um, Billy gets up off the mud and, uh, I demand to know where Razor Tusk is. Everybody laughs. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Why are you laughing at me? Yeah, don't laugh at our kids.

Yeah, don't laugh at our kids. Yeah. I'm just asking a really normal question. If you think if I knew where Razor Tusk was, I'd be here bandying about with these fools. Well, I don't know what you're doing out here when the Pumpkin King is out there bandying around with all of our groceries and stuff. I don't know what I'm doing. Tuck and Vig are tall enough that we can see over the walls of the town and we like look back and we see Lodetree.

And we see a little figure literally bandying two baguettes. Yeah. Look at my groceries. That was the, uh, cause we've talked about how in the Wittershins, like the distance is further than you thought it was. Yeah. But because it would be funny, the Wittershins made Lone Tree Hill visible for a second. So you could understand who the villain is. The distance follows cartoon kid logic. We're in a cartoon now. Yeah. Yeah.

Like Bill, you're the one who's supposed to be like the toughest guy in town. And here you are like hiding out in a crow nest. Or whatever. We call it the roost actually. And I'm not hiding. I'm planning. What are you planning? A way to take down Razortusk and the Pumpkin King in one fell swoop. I want to get info about this. Okay. How so? I would like to parlay. Yep. So parlay is you are offering something. I turn to you guys. What about if we offer ourselves as mercenaries for hire?

As long as there's pay involved, really. Yeah. Five gold coins a day. That sounds good to me. Yeah. I'm okay with that. Okay. We can do five gold coins. Do you need us to help in any way? Yeah. If you want to chip in, I mean, I don't know what I'm doing. Chip in to pay us? No. How so? With your words. I'll do the dental, I guess. With your words. Okay. I don't know if I can convince him on my own. He's kind of a scary guy. How about we just stand here very imposing. We'll pump ourselves up.

Yeah. You be the mayor. You do the mayor thing where you pitch us. Okay. And then we'll make ourselves look like a buff. Okay. Okay. And we start oiling each other up. And I look over. While Bill's kind of nodding like, hmm. Okay. He likes it. He likes it. We'll oil and pose down a bunch behind you. Sure. Interesting. Bill, I have a proposition for you. Mm-hmm . Okay. What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that?

What if we, you know, me and my pals who are very buff and strong and tall, what if we help you with whatever plan you have to, I assume, take down the Pumpkin King and restore order to the Halfling Lands? All right. 2d6 plus charisma. 13. 13. Holy shit. You guys did a good job. He likes it a lot. Yeah. He's like scratching his little chin between his handlebars on his mustache and nodding at Tuck and Ving as they oil each other up. Ving's like, have you seen my song?

He's about, yay, big around and about, yay, big around. He goes, well, in a battle such as this, we could use all the help we could get. And you hear a voice off to the side go, you can't be serious, Bill. And a halfling pushes her way through the crowd. A halfling you recognize, Billy, from a potato throw in Mudlark all those years ago. A halfling you betrayed. Oh, no. Oh, whoa. What's his name again? I don't remember. It's a lady. We never got her name. Dorothy.

Yeah, you hear a voice on the other side of the crowd say, Bill, come on. You can't be serious. And a little halfling woman pushes her way through the crowd. She's got a big scar down her face. Holy shit. She's got strong little halfling arms. Whoa. And she has a- Crown of hot dogs. She has a crown. Crown of hot dogs. Now dried and old. But she's got slung over her back. She's got what looks like garden shears that have been broken in half. Whoa. So she's got two shears over. That's so sick.

Like scimitars? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's so cool. I like that. She's like, we can't trust them. And we can't trust him most of all. And she points right at Billy. What? Why? You don't remember, do you? Remember what? You don't remember at all, bud. You framed me. Oh, shit. After you framed me, I got thrown in the brig in Mudlark. And then those frogs attacked. And I had to fight my way out. That's how I got this. I mean, it's a pretty cool scar, though. It is a cool scar. You're right.

Yeah, I mean, it builds character, right? You're trying to convince me that the way you betrayed me was actually a good thing? You can't be taking this seriously, can you, Bill? Bill goes, Dorothy, I've made my decision. We are not in any position to turn away aid in this time of war, this hogpocalypse. And he looks up at the maroon sky, the blood red, the pig red sky above. The gas, like all of their shit farts is like making the sky just red. A methane sunset. Shimmering methane.

We just see like a puff of fart fly to the wind. You usually can't. Usually gas doesn't stay together. You usually can't see a fart like that. With these pigs, it does. Yeah, a little cloud. They call it the Borealis. Oh, I get it. Sorry, I'm stupid. You pulled away in disgust. No, I'm just dumb. I didn't get it. That was amazing. And Dorothy says, well, you can trust them if you want, Bill, but you can't make me trust them. I've got my eyes. I've got my eyes. I've got my eyes.

I've got my eye on you, bud. I'm watching. Okay. And she stalks away into town. Don't worry, Billy. We were really new to Dungeon World at that point, so we kind of know what we were doing. That's true. We were really new. We were all flailing little babies. We were just learning lessons. Yeah. Yeah. It's fine. Sometimes in your past, you encounter people that you have harmed, and that's, everybody makes mistakes. It's just important that you make amends at some point. Yeah. That's true.

If we felt guilty for every person that showed up from a past with a giant scar cut across their face, we'd never get anything done. Yeah. When has that happened to you guys? Like, what, have you ever had that? Oof. Yeah. Yeah. My first babysitter. I met them in the court of the woods, you know, years after. They came out to Orch Shield. They were banned because of how I treated them. Oof. I'm trying to make this funny. That was so dark. I'm sorry, Vic. I didn't mean to bring up bad memories.

Back when I was a little prince, I ruined this kid's life. Showed up with a huge scar on his face. Well, you know, maybe this will be like me making amends by volunteering us to fight. Yeah. Save their town. Totally, Billy. That's a great way to make amends. It's risking your life. It's what happened with me and Fatim, remember? I totally fucked up his face. Oh, yeah. That's true. Remember? And then he came- Fatim's probably really mad right now. He probably is really mad right now.

Smash cut to Fatim. What's he doing? I'm so mad right now. Fuck me. He's just like punching a tree like, oh, I'm so mad about Tuck. Every time I think about him, I just get so mad. We are right. Yeah. He punches the tree a bunch, then he kisses it for a second. He's like, what? What? No. No. No. I'm so mad I get confused. It's all his fault. It's all his fault. So dysregulated. And he starts walking away, and then he stops, and he looks back at the tree a little bit.

And then- The shot switches to a white, and Mears is sitting there with a lemonade. He's like, what is wrong with this guy? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Mears is in this episode. Take that, fuckers. You're welcome. That is canon happening right now. Yeah, put that in the content warning. Yeah. Yeah. I imagine they are still together. Did we talk about how Fatim- Did Fatim leave? No, he was still in there. Okay, yeah. So they're probably still together. I've had some ideas about what Fatim's up to.

Oh, fun. I think because now he's got the eye, and we've talked about how he is getting visions. I think he's sort of a- I think he's kind of a wandering demon hunter right now. Like, he's trying to get answers. So sick. And Mears is going with him. Yeah. No, he's following the path of the mausoleum, but maybe not known to him. Because, yeah, his eye makes him able to resist demonic influence, and also, I think, is damaging to demons in a way. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That makes sense.

The light from his eye is very powerful. Yeah. Because it's sunstone. Yeah. Yes. They seek the corners, the shadows, when he's around. Yeah, exactly. He knows to look in the darkest places. And he's wearing a red Adidas tracksuit, as Jessica set up in the episode. He's awesome. Yeah. He's got a big hammer, a red Adidas tracksuit. His hair's long now. Uh-huh. Balding and long? Like, long from the back? No, he shaved his head by choice.

That was how he was different from Tuck a little bit, is he had no beard and a little hair, but he'd shave it a little bit. Tuck is unwillingly bald? Unwillingly. Okay. Yeah. No, wait, actually, in the first episode, you did say bald of head by choice. Oh, right. Oh, yeah. But in the Tuck voice, you said that. By choice. Yeah. Oh, we don't know. Yeah. Tuck's always kept his shave, so you don't know if he has male pattern baldness. Every morning, he goes, I'm going to shave my head now.

He just runs the tap for a while. He runs the tap. He's getting really good at making a noise. He's making razor sounds. Yeah. And then when we're somewhere where there isn't a tap, he really makes us stink about it. Too much. It's going to be so hard to dry shave my head, because I have to do it every day. He puts little cuts there. Oh, I cut my head shaving. Takes a minus two. He's cutting his own scalp instead of just admitting that he's bald. Ah, it's so itchy. I can feel it coming in.

It's so thick. I got to go shave. Oh, man. It's driving me nuts. It's driving me nuts. As soon as we get out of the Sea of Graves, I'm going to shave my head. I'm going to shave my head. Guys, sorry for this five o'clock shadow I'm wearing on the top of my head. Well, Dorothy's concerns aside, I think you might be in the right place. I think we could use some martial expertise. We come not just with martial expertise, Wildeville. Fuck. Wildeville. Wildeville. Wildeville. Tuck says it.

Tuck says it. He's like, I was trying to make it sound cool. Yeah. Well, that's just his name. We come bearing information as well. And then I hit the buckle on the Bjorn that makes the baby fall out. And Birdie and Birda both fall onto the mud. They tumble to the ground. Yeah. Up until this point, they thought I had boobs. Well, I have to admit, up until this point, I thought you were in position of a sweet rack. But now I'm to see. A couple stooges of the pumpkin king.

And then Tuck goes, fear not. What remains still has many gifts I can impart. And then I make my pecs dance. Can't help but notice you're picking up dice. I would like to make a performance check. Sorry, I've been watching too much D&D. Performance checks do not exist. And you will not be rolling for whatever you're about to do. Well, I'm going to make my pecs dance so much that he gets so excited by it. He starts dancing. Nodding again. Watching your pecs dance goes, oh, all right.

They kind of tell a story. Yeah. There's a narrative to this dance. Yeah. It's like telling what we're going to do. Like planning it all out. And also explains how we got here and who we are. Oh. So I tell the story of the podcast. In a pecs dance. From season one. Through the pecs dance. Undulating pecs. Pectoral muscles. Bing is playing that Indian instrument that goes. A sitar? Yeah. No, it's the. The horn. The woodwind one? Oh, yeah. With the bulb on the end. Great.

And there's a fire crackling in the center of town. Yeah. Everybody's gathered around to watch Tuck's pecs dance. Yeah. The sun has set. Yes. The sun has fully set. There's 200 hours of content here. Yeah. There's a lot to get through. And as your pecs finally come to a rest. Beads of sweat. So tired. Yeah. And the crowd begins to applaud. And Wild Bill, who has been nursing the same. Cup of cream. This whole time gets up. He wipes a tear from his eye. Says, I think I can speak for all crows.

When I say that your story is one of bravery. And I think that we would be glad to have you fight at our side. As we attempt to repel the tyranny that has forsaken the ways of the Everwood Valley. Thank you. Billy. If I may say. You have a complicated history in these lands. I understand. But if you come here. In order to help. In order to heal this place. Allow me to be the first to welcome you back home. Thank you, Bill. And the other halflings begin to clap. Wow.

The camera kind of zooms in on the side. And leaning against a stilt support of one of the huts is Dorothy. She grimaces. She walks into the shadows. Spits a tooth under the ground. That's not hers. She's just been sucking on a tooth. She's been sucking on somebody else's tooth. She's so hardcore. That's so hardcore. So scared of her. Holy shit. She punched the tooth out of someone's mouth and then started sucking. And then took it. And started sucking on it. Billy is crying so hard.

This is all. I've been thinking about this for so long. It's sort of a beautiful moment. And okay. So what a halfling. Okay. This is actually a real cultural question I have. What is a thing halflings do when they welcome the return of one of their own? A feast. A feast. A feast. Okay. We're doing a feast. Nice. Then we smash cut too. Tables have been pulled out of all of the buildings and have been set up in this like muddy square. And they have been laden.

Well, quote unquote laden with what food they have. Oatmeal. It's mostly oats. The pumpkin king having hoarded most of the food. Yeah. It means that there is not much in the way of vittles for this feast. But symbolically, the intention is clear. To welcome you into this community. To welcome Billy back to his home. Dried blueberries. Yeah. We still have the blueberries. Yeah. We add them to the feast. Oh. And the halflings are glad to see the berries. And birdie him bird. Like, what the?

Where'd you get these? Those are supposed to be for. I have Amma's teapot. So I add that. Oh. Oh. Oh, yeah. Billy feels like this is a big deal. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it is a big deal for Billy. He's been welcomed back to the Everwood Valley. I've never been welcome at a feast. Yeah. Whoa. Really? Yeah. Whoa. Now we shoot him away. That sucks. I mean, yeah. Tuck is really mad all of a sudden. You little fucks. Yeah. He didn't really realize the extent to which they treated Billy like shit.

Yeah. I've never been to a feast. Oh. Ving's trying to show it as like a teachable moment. Like, look at what you do when you stop running from your asshole past. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. So there's, there's oatmeals. There are blueberries that you've contributed. The crows have been like, it seems like they've been hitting pumpkins. They've been hitting like chicken king, like caravans. Oh yeah. So they've been stealing some food. Actual crows.

Like they have the actual crows on their side and the crows are going to like, they've gone stolen bits of food. So there's like random stuff. Like, uh, like there is a chicken leg. Part of our parlay was that the crows will be on their side. Yes, that is true. Yeah. Like they'll be able to, they're on their side, but now they can communicate. I also like the idea that they bring out like a dish and there's like four or five roasted doves. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Tuck is still like.

In anime mode, he, he looks at the doves and he like, he sheds a single tear. And then also. I do love chicken though. You are delicious. Yeah. And it's this very nice, the cream flows. The halflings are, are getting a pretty rowdy, excited at this. What could very well be a turning point in their battle. Yeah. Having these warriors of renown. Let's see each of you guys at the, how are you ingratiating yourself to the halflings? Oh, it's a good question.

So Tuck is, uh, he's like doing the thing, uh, where he's like taking them and then throwing them in the air and then catching them. Like toddlers? Yeah. Then he like lifts up their, their shirt and then he'll blow a raspberry on their belly. And then he'll be like, Oh, what's going on over here? Dear, should I put you down? Oh no, you have to go into the air. And they are loving it. They can't get enough of this. The lineup is like so long. They keep like, like let them go.

They run back around. Yeah. They have to. And then they get in fights. I'm like, you guys have to. You have to be good in line or else you won't get the tumble bum. You have to be at least this short to ride this ride. Yeah. They made a little, a little sign. Yeah. Yeah. They made the sign because Ving was like, do it with me. Do it with me. It was a disaster. You destroyed a lot of shit. So they made a sign that was like, you have to be this short to ride this ride.

Ving got stuck in a chandelier. So fucking good. And then they point at Ving and they're like, you see the, read the sign. Okay. Okay. Okay. What about Ving? Oh, Ving's doing a mime of, he's doing like, what's that guy's dwarf, dwarf, dwarf. He's doing a dwarf bit where he's putting shoes on his knees and he's doing a play. Oh, I see. Yeah. Yeah. He's pretending to be short. Yeah. Okay. Wait, is this not okay? Is this not okay? Are the halflings mad about this? I don't know.

I think they're like, I think they think it's pretty funny. They think big people are funny just in general. They think they're like, oh, fish. Okay. Just kind of as a rule. When Tuck clocks that Ving is doing that for a second, he's like, oh, fuck. Oh, no. What about Billy? Billy is patching the roof where Ving went through. Very nice. Yeah. He doesn't know how to do it very well. Yeah. But the fact that he's trying means a lot to the halflings. It's true. Yeah.

But he's making like too much of a show about it. Like, he's like, whew, like, forgot how heavy hay is. Like, yeah, Billy, it's very heavy. Thank you for helping. He just really wants them to like him. Yeah. And honestly, there is a fairly positive. I think there's a hesitantly positive feeling that the halflings have towards Billy. Billy did accidentally start a little fire. But he put it out really fast. Before anybody noticed. Yeah.

Anybody that saw it freaked out for a second and was like, not again. How many people that are in this town have interacted with Billy? Well, how long ago did Billy leave? Not that long ago. I mean, like a couple of years. A couple of years ago. Yeah. I think everyone except babies. Yeah, that's true. Most halflings have either interacted with or heard about Billy. Yeah, they've all seen him. They all hate him. Right. Okay. Yeah.

So they all know that you burned down those side lists, those great side lists? Yeah. Everyone and the babies know. Yeah. Because they're told. They're told. They were taught about it. Yeah. Never trust a Billy. And near the end of the night, things are starting to wind down. Halflings have fallen asleep on the tables. They're snoozing in the mud. And… Tucker's started helping. I finished… He helped Billy finish the job. Yeah. Because he just knew he would fuck it up. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

Billy was like using his spit to try to put it together. Just spitting on hay and kind of mashing it. He's getting so upset. Like, why isn't it sticking together? What? I thought it was like glue. Spit is so sticky. The night gets to that vibe where someone's walking around with a garbage can and like putting cans in it. Oh, nice. And Wild Bill approaches. I'll think it's time. I'll think it's time. We spoke about what's been going on. What we need. Yeah. Come with me. Okay.

And he walks into the bar, which is sort of like woven. It's this building looks like it was thrown up as like a rest place for the crows that kind of became a bar. So it's like woven out of sticks. Like it's got this very circular kind of oblong… Like a hummingbird nest. Like a hummingbird nest. Oh, cool. And Wild Bill sits down at a piano, a very small piano. Like this is… Is this his desk? He cracks his… He like… He sits behind a piano and goes, please sit down. Take a seat.

This little super baby grand piano. Yeah. Cute. Super baby. It's the tiniest grand piano we've ever seen. It's like a coffee table. And he starts playing a quiet but jaunty tune, an end of the night sort of song. And begins speaking. What have you heard about what's been going on? About the pigs or… Yeah, the pigs, the pumpkin king, you know where we stand. We made a lot of guesses that were immediately substantiated by Bert.

Tell me about these guesses just to refresh the memory of somebody who might not. The way that we understand it is that the hog times came, which is the pig thing. And… Because… Can't help but be a little bit dismissive. A little bit dismissive. It's a very scariest and serious pig thing. It's really serious. So then Jack Wick, who would become the pumpkin king. Yes. He used the disruption and your absence because you went to fight Razortusk to… I did. He spits on the ground.

He used that to try and take over the halfling lands and he burned the dinghies. And it was all because he was heartbroken because he was in love with the daughter of the dinghies. And was also exiled. And is also an arson. Yeah, he's an arsonist. And you guessed all that? I think I also told us. We intuited. Yeah. Which is different than guessing, I think. You'll find. I mean, I remember the stuff that went on here. I know that Jack hated the dinghies. And he holds onto grudges for a long time.

So, I mean, it just makes sense. And he was pretty vocal from what Billy said about that he was going to get revenge. He was very vocal. I mean, Bill, don't you remember? Like, he took out ads in the paper. They were effusive and contained a number of drawings that I have yet to forget. Right? I mean, and there's one point where he knew that people stopped reading the ads because of how many he was taking out. So, he bought the front page. His newspaper is like all ads. All ads.

It's all the same ad. Well. Then it sounds like you are pretty much up to speed. Almost accidentally, it would seem. What happened when you fought Razortaz? Well, let's just say I gave as good as I got. Well, no. Actually, he gave a lot more. But I gave a good amount. We faced off on the edges of the Sunwise. And he bested me in battle. And he took off into the fields. But not before I was able to get this. And he reaches, like, into his waistband and pulls out. A metal sheath tusk. Wow. Cool.

The trophy that I took that day came at great personal cost. Humiliation. In the face of a pig. The worst of kinds. Flashback to mudpocalypse. Getting thrown off a hog. Getting his face pushed in the mud by a pig. Billy flapping in the wind. The camera cuts back to, like, the fight. That Wild Bill had with Razortaz. And it's from an adult's perspective. And it looks hilarious. It's like a little guy fighting a pig. Ah! Ah! Squeal! Squeal!

I thought that if I could take out Razortaz, the lack of leadership that the pigs would have would cause their hordes to scatter. And allow us to use the ensuing chaos to make a push on the Pumpkin King's holdings. I still think that that might be the case. That might be the way. We either go after the pig, or we go after the king. Razortusk is elusive. And dangerous. And has those pigs under a sort of thrall I have not yet seen in the natural world. Oh yeah, we kind of saw that too.

Every time we even hurt them a little bit, they kind of, like, trot off. Yes. There it is. Difficult for me to know at this point if that is a magical effect of some kind. An enchantment? Some sort of dark pig? Pig magic? Do you think with your intimate knowledge of Razortusk, I wouldn't call it a friendship, but a kinship even. A grudging respect. A unwilling appreciation. A sexual tension of sorts. I just wanted to say that. That's not true. He doesn't say that. He does say that.

No, he doesn't. No, I'm not. I do not feel sexual attraction to that pig. How could I? I am a halfling man. I believe that I and Razortusk will be fighting until the world itself ends. I understand attraction that can't be explained. He turns away. And the thing that Paul didn't say is that Vig looks at Chuck and gives him an up and down. And then he's kind of like… Billy is very uncomfortable on the set. Yeah. Chuck doesn't notice. He's like literally like…

He's like, I'm just taking food out of his teeth. Yeah. A bit of Mitch in there. Do you think you could use your connection with Razortusk to get an audience with him? We would have to find him first. He is elusive. How have you contacted him in the past? I have not. How have you drawn his mire? I have tracked him in the fields, in the glades, in the mudlands, in the flats of the valley. I have tracked him tirelessly. What do you think he wants with these lands? What does any pig want? Produce.

Then produce he shall have. Slash to the Pumpkin King's horde. Mounds. Mounds of vegetables rotting in the sun. You couldn't be saying… No, you wouldn't dare suggest we ally with Razortusk? I think it's a possibility. Okay. Sigh. I mean, that way we weaken the possibility. Sigh. Sigh. Pumpkin King. We get back the lands. No, I cannot. No, hold on. But then we also funnel all the pigs into one spot. Makes them weaker. Bill, I think you miscalculate the pigs.

I think you thought chaos would weaken them, but I think it gave them strength. They've run amok. The fields are a mess. They're everywhere. They might be the most frightening things I've ever seen. Tux says, he's silhouetted by fire. He's looking… He's looking… He's looking in the fire. Yeah. He's looking… He's got his hand up on a window. Yeah. But it's the outside… Tux definitely can't fit in here, so he's been talking through a window like the giraffe in the Big Friendly Giant.

He's not actually in the room. He's just been sticking his head through a window. He can't… He can really only be in the common, like, courtyard. Uh-huh. So his head is just… Is in there. Like the thing earlier when they thought he was putting his shoes on purpose and walking around on his knees. He was just doing that practically. And everyone's like, hey, you being racist right now? No, no. I just want to be inside. And Tux goes, think about a pig's eyes. Is there like a dog's eyes? Dead.

Like a dog's eyes. I've never seen pigs like these, Wild Bill. There are no pigs like these. These pigs move faster than any pig I've ever seen. As if under a spell. Yeah. A curse. A curse. An influence beyond their delicious skin. Yeah. Do we roll for this? Yeah. Should we Spout Lore on like… What this influence is? Yeah. Yeah. I guess it would be spelled lore. Yeah. Yeah. So you go. No, you go. You're holding them. I'm so stupid, though. I am also stupid. Okay. I can do it. Yeah, yeah.

I can do it. Two to six plus intelligence. Have I ever heard anything about these pigs? This pig magic. This would not… It would be… Yeah. It would be like, is there anything that you can think of that might… I can. Connect. Oh. Well, let's see how this Spout Lore goes. Do you want to Spout Lore? Okay. Doodle. Okay. I can think of something, but you roll it. No, you're so excited to. Jess, let me just get this straight, what's about to happen. Yeah.

I'm going to Spout Lore, and if I succeed, you get to tell me what you're thinking. Great. All right. Okay, cool. Give her a hundred bucks. Yeah. Yeah. $100 cash. I'll give you $100 cash. Tuck goes into like anime mode. What do you mean by anime mode? He's thinking. Yeah. Back on his anime sash. I put my anime sash on, and then I look up at the moon, and I see Allison's face in it. Okay. It's like really glossy eyes are slightly quivering. They do a little sparkle. Yeah.

And Sean literally just yawned. No, no, no. I was trying to think, and then I felt it coming up, and I was like, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. Don't do it. Okay. Here we go. Okay. Here we go. He puts his bandana on, and he goes into his… It's his mind palace. Okay. And he's eating a Hawaiian pizza, which has ham on it, and he hopes that it will impart knowledge on him. Yeah.

And he's sitting across from a shaman, Tuck, who is preparing the pineapple pizza, and it's just like, you gotta feel the ham. Understand the ham. Understand how it twins with the pineapple. Understand the ham, and you will be the ham. Uh, Tuck. Okay. Okay. Minus one. I have a negative one, so I have a nine. Nine. Someone aid me. Oh, I aid him. We can make this an unmitigated success. Do it. Oh, I aid him. Okay. So 2D6 plus bond. All right. Nine. Nine. Holy shit. So that makes it a 10.

These dice are insane. Yeah. Yeah. So something interesting and useful. Do we think this is a magical influence that Razortusk has on the pigs? Yes. And I think the clue is in the tusk. Yeah. Yeah. We looked down at the metal tusk that Wild Bill… Yeah, it's sitting on top of the piano. Whoa. I touch it. Is anything happening? You feel like cold, rusty metal. Feels cold. Feels rusty. You see, like, nails are driven through the metal of the sheath to, like, asphyx the blade to the tusk itself.

Oh, fuck. Ooh, what do the nails made out of? Also metal. Wow. Wow. Maybe Razortusk, because he was, like, a dwarven war pig? Like, he had some kind of magic cast on him that allowed him to control, like, other war swine. And so is this, Spell Lord, this is coming from a precedent that Tuck knows exists? Like, this is a thing that has happened in the past? Yeah, I think it was… It was sort of, like, in the portrait, the breaking of the chain.

It's, like, all of the animals running together, like, under control of the wizards. I see. Maybe he's wearing that same armor? Yes. Because it was armored animals that, like… Mm-hmm. That the elves were riding? Yeah. Yeah. And the same way that, like, a pig left to the wilds will revert into a wild boar. Uh-huh. So his influence on the gentle pigs of this area, of the Halfling Lands, which are, like, gentle beasts of burden… Yeah. …is transforming them into war pigs. Totally. I see, yeah.

So cool. I like this. And it's maybe imbued in the armor itself. Yeah, I was gonna say, maybe it's, like, what jogs the memory in Tuck is that he's looking at the armor on the tusk, and he sees, like, the designs kind of… Yeah. …embossed into it. Like… Yeah. …not runes, because they're dwarves or gnomes or whatever, like, hill dwarves are called. Mm-hmm. But it is a similar sort of thing. It's, like, magic armor. And Tuck pulls out the metal greave that was made out of the moon steel…

Uh-huh. …and he puts it next to it, and the symbols are the same. Oh! Maybe because, like, the kind of magic that imbues, like… Objects. Objects with, like, battle capabilities is, like, that it comes from the same wizard. Cool. So it's, like, the same guy carved this and designed this as the tusk. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Maybe, yeah, it's, like, a dwarven wizard who was, like, a smith. Oh, that's… That makes so much sense! Yeah. That's really cool. Yeah.

Who, like, innovated a sort of enchanted armor technique. It's a kind of, like, magical metallurgy. Yeah. Or, like, metalsmithing. Bing shows the gauntlet, because he gave one to… Oh! Yeah! And it's of the same… Yeah. It's of the same… Yeah. …the same design. Totally. Okay. I had a picture of Razortusk going to the edge of the Widdershins and dipping in for a drink. Mm-hmm. And his tusks go under the water, and, like, you see its influence… Oh, the magic.

…going, like, in either direction. Oh, cool. And, like, far off, you see, like, a pig down at the water's edge, and then, like… Like, lift its head. Let it head up and, like… Yeah. And start trotting towards… Yeah. Jump, jump, jump. And the… Maybe it's a thing where it's, like, when the enchanted metal on his tusks, like, dips into the water… Mm-hmm. …the direction of flow changes… Ooh, I like that.

…because it's, like, whatever the enchantment that is on this water is, like, momentarily disrupted. That's very cool. It's kind of like iron filings around a magnet. Ooh. Yeah. Sweet. I like it. Yeah. So does Tuck share this thought? I guess it was, like, a silent realization that the group had. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Where, like, Tuck threw his thing down, and Ving showed his, and everyone was like, oh, fuck. Yeah. So we all understand. So what we… We have to rid Razortusk of all his armor.

Don't we? Oh, yeah. That's gotta be one of the… Oh, wow. That's gotta be the thing that stops this from happening all the time. Yeah. It would also, like, free him from the influence that he's been under this whole time. Yeah. Because it feels like his… Like, it has been corrupted in some way. Mm-hmm. So if we use the Pumpkin King's food hoard to draw all the pigs, including Razortusk, together… Oh, yeah.

…we could, like, round them up and also, like, get Razortusk and, like, remove the armor. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And it would also have the added benefit of destroying the food hoard that Jack is depending on. Yeah. We'll strip Jack of his power because he's abusing it. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And it will, like, democratize the food again. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I like this. I like this plan. We'll essentially depose him. We'll, like, reveal him for, like, the charlatan he is. Yeah.

That he can't protect them. Mm-hmm. Because that's why Birdie and Birdo were into him. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Because he offered stability. Mm-hmm. Cool. Wild Bill takes all this in. He's but a simple halfling. He's not as worldly or as traveled as you three. He's not as familiar with enchantments or corrupting magics or anything like that, but he- Or Hawaiian pizza. Or Hawaiian pizzas. He's very curious about now.

So you're saying the saltiness of the ham complements the sweetness of the pineapple. Tell me again the flavors of this pine apple? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. But doesn't the tomato sauce lend a strange acidity to it? You'd think so, but yes. Sometimes. And then Tuck leans forward through the window that he's in, and he tries to wedge his arm through so he can put an arm on Wild Bill's shoulder. Uh-huh.

And he goes, sometimes there's sweetness in strangeness. And then he goes to pull back, and he realizes he's stuck in the window. Oh, shit. Ah, fuck. Oh, fuck. A little grease? A little grease? So as you're stuck half in, half out of this halfling honky-tonk bar, Wild Bill looks thoughtfully at the tusk on the piano, says, if it is the enchantment of the armor that's driving Razor Tusk's influence, perhaps now that I have removed a portion of that armor, his influence is weakened in some way.

Or perhaps we can use the armor to find Razor Tusk himself, if it is a set that calls to its partners. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I would like the communion of whispers with the tusk and the armor. Yeah. Nice. Does that make sense? I think so. In this land? Yeah, to see him? Yeah. Or just to see if there's any connection. Yeah. If there's a slight pull back towards its armored brothers. Yeah. Like a compass.

It probably would be, and I mean, it still makes sense, communing with the tusk rather than the armor, because you've tried to commune with objects before and failed. Okay. But you've got the inorganic and the organic here. You've got it all. You've got all the pieces. Okay, great. I'll commune with the land. Spend time in a place making note of its resident spirits. Roll plus wisdom. Seven plus wisdom is ten. Oh, because you changed it to a three. That's amazing. Wow. Okay.

So on a ten plus with communion of whispers. Vision is clear and helpful. Okay. So you tell me what you see. I see rolling green grass. Oh. Oh. And space for all to live. And a flooding of the land. Rising of the water seemingly out of nowhere. And pigs coming in from all places. It seems like they're acting together, but they're coming from disparate areas. Mm-hmm. The skies darken. Mm-hmm. Fruit rots on the trees in the wrong time of the year. Birds are leaving. Babies crying. Okay.

A man peeing. May it be the evening light. And as you're watching this vision of this beautiful, bountiful land turn and become sick and dark, you feel in your hands where you hold the tusk, you feel it start to spin. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Move and pull, staying in the direction that it is pointing. Oh, cool. You feel the tusk calling to the bones in which it was born. Hmm. Nice. Wow. It wishes to return.

A compass tusk. Tusk. Tux. Cut. Tuck here. Hold this. This is now. Tux. Compass tusk. It's my compass tusk. And Wild Bill sees this. He sees Ving return. This strange figure. Large, lanky, draped in furs, long gray hair, gills. Walking on his knees. Walking on his knees and going, I'm so short. He dropped the voice early on. Tuck is like. He could tell the voice was too far. Tuck in his head. He's just like, it seems like they're fine with it, but it seems really. It's not okay.

Ving put his wild hair on top. I've got wild hair. This is a little moss scarf. And, um. Holding this tusk and giving it to Tuck. And just kind of, you can see him taking in the three of you. Who you are, what you do, what you've overcome. And he's just in awe. He says, I think an end to this madness has come. Tuck tries to pull himself out of the window and pulls the window out of the side of that. He's just got a window frame around his arms. Do we want to cut forward to the morning, perhaps?

Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And the crows, do we think that they're coming with you or do you think that this is like, we can trust these guys in Wild Bill to get this done? Actually, let's have a conversation about this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's the right time for us to be like, okay, what's the plan? Yeah, there's enough moving pieces. Yeah.

So we know we're going to use Razortusk and his connection with the pigs to fuck up the food hoard at Lone Tree Hill. To lead them to there or to get them to go there? Yeah. So we have to expose his grocery pile, basically? Yeah. Or at least tear down the walls of his barricade. Totally. And to do that, we have to infiltrate. I think we should bring a bunch of the crows with us and act like we've turned them over to the Pumpkin King side. Right, that's okay.

So the plan is first to go to the Pumpkin King and get his food hoard. Yeah. So we overthrow him first and then we bring the pigs in? Yeah. Or do we want to use the pigs to overthrow him? Yeah, is there any way that we could get him, convince him to expose his hoard to the pigs? That's another option. Somehow, yeah. We're bringing in hostages.

We could say that Wild Bill in his absence is losing, like the crows are losing fealty because their leader Wild Bill isn't here because they're still trying to keep him secret. Oh, yeah. Right? So we can use his so-called absence as a trick. Trick. We could do a Trojan horse kind of thing. Oh, fun, yeah. Where we show up and Bird and Birdie vouch for us and then we say, we've turned all of these crows but we hide Wild Bill within the ranks of these loyal crows. Totally.

Bill, are you willing to shave off your mustache? For the Everwood Valley, I would do anything. Okay, so then the plan is to go to Lone Tree Hill. I think so, yes. Yes. We don't have a plan for when. We don't have a plan for when we get there because I also believe we can just overtake it. Again, maybe we're being a little dismissive. Yeah, we can just go in there and knock down the wall. I feel he's also being the one dismissive. Yeah. He's like, no, they're stupid. Yeah.

Also because you know Jack. You remember Jack. I do. And he's like a huge coward. That's why he's got all these walls up. Yeah. But he also is like a really bad fence builder. He tried that for a while. He just like doesn't have the heart. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because I think what we realize with the, the revelations about Razor Tusk's like armor and the influence of his, of his armor, like seeping into the waters and the fields is that he's the real threat. Yeah.

Jack is more like playing at being a threat. Right. Okay. Because if you take out Jack, but only Jack, then Razor Tusk and his magic and all that kind of stuff are still ruining the Everwood. Still a problem. So we use, so we, we break into Lone Tree Hill, overthrow Jack. Yeah. Take control of his food hoard and use that to draw in Razor Tusk. Yes. And while he's so distracted by the big old pile of groceries, we jump on him and get his armor off. Yeah.

And then free the Halfling Lands from the generations of hogpocalypse that they've had to endure. This might end the hogpocalypse for good. Yeah. Yeah. And then Tuck is like, all right, question here. Do you want me to just straight up kill this pig? If it comes to it, yes. Is there a plan to, free the pig or just murder him? As much as I've come to despise this pig, if what you say is true, he may not be in his right mind. That's true.

And also you're kind of in love with him from what I remember yesterday. I wouldn't call it love more like a raw animal attraction. That's complicated. But no, sorry, I gotta be clear. This is not sexual. I find him to be a fierce competitor and a vicious rival. But also enchanting. Enchanted, I think I said. I said enchanted. Sorry, Bill. He gulps really loud. Very well. Then I will return momentarily. Changed forever. It will grow back.

And Bill comes back later on with a wide, floppy straw hat and an obscuring cloak and a shorn face. And a shorn face. A giant white eyebrows. Giant white eyebrows. Wait, did you just… Wait. You cannot ask me to get rid of the hairs as well. All right, Bill. All right, man. That's your stash, pal. He looks like an alien from Star Wars. Yeah. And the crows gathered up outside the gates with their secret hidden leader, Wild Bill. One of them was like, what's the deal with those eyebrows?

And Bill beat the fuck out of them. And everyone understood. Don't ask about the eyebrows. The crows gathered outside the gate with their secret hidden leader, Wild Bill, and their three new compatriots head off into the mudflats. And that's where we're going to end this episode. I've been your game master, Sean O'Hara. Joining me as always, playing Tacoma Dome, the barbarian, Abdul Aziz. So long, everybody. Playing Ving, the half-elf druid, Paul Hoppers. Take care.

I'm playing Fat Billy, the halfling thief, Jessica Tai. Bye, everyone. Thank you to all of our patrons out there, our supporters on Patreon. This show would not be possible without listeners and supporters like you.

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Thank you so much to Aaron Reid for our intro and outro music. And thank you most of all to all of you for listening. We'll see you next time. And so ends the tale of Adventures 3 Who tried the best they could Though dumb and scared and lost they be For time's abreast in revelry And though our journey may be like a conclusion We will not leave you without a resolution Return next week to hear some more Whilst you commute Or do your chores And for you I gladly spell poor

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P-a-t I'll start over it sounds like a fucking Alta Vista ad gather round friends let me tell you a tale of three heroes noble and bold a brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old you know them by name you know them by deed their quests are famously daring so here I sit singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home he loves to sing and fight fingers have health, he shifts his shape and wields a spear with great might Billy's a thief his tiny size does max the largest heart best in bread They may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts So gather round, friends, and listen close For the tale's about to start Hello, everybody, and welcome to Spout…

Lore. Sorry. I'm your Game Master, Sean O'Hara. Joining me, as always, playing Tacoma Dome, the Barbarian, Abdulaziz. Hello, everybody. Playing Ving, the Half-Elf Druid, Paul Oppers. Hi. And playing Fat Billy, the Halfling Thief, Jessica Tai. Hello. When last we left our heroes, they arrived at the Everwood Valley, following Billy's request to aid the Halflings in what can only be described as a hogpocalypse. I think we said, yeah, we can go look at the pigs. Yeah, exactly.

Foreshadowing the dangers yet to come. We're so dismissive of it off the start. Yeah, it was mean. I took all your guys' conflicts seriously. Our grown-up conflicts? Yeah. Arriving at the valley, they looked down into the homeland of Fat Billy, the Halfling Thief, taking this opportunity to gather some information. That information was the valley itself is in vast disarray. Crops have been destroyed. Fields have been turned to mud. Farms are on the brink of devastation.

Hogs roam the land in ravenous hordes. Towns have been barricaded. Against the threat and against bandits and raiders, including Billy's former home, Lone Tree Hill, which we saw barricaded fully with a wall surrounding the village, draped in tabards bearing the sigil of a pumpkin. Apparently the iconography of a figure known as the Pumpkin King. Pumpkin King. The Pumpkin King. The Pumpkin King. The party discovered that, well, the party did a lot of presuming about the Pumpkin King.

It's called World War… Building. About his lost love in a member of the Dinghy family, the raft builders and runners of the Everwood Valley. The party decided to go to a nearby blueberry patch to gather some food for negotiation purposes and found henchmen of the Pumpkin King gathering as many blueberries as possible and destroying the bushes. A fight ensued during which Tuck clothed himself in the regalia of a figure.

The army of the Red-Haired Lord, which is basically just him covered in mud with his nose taped up onto his forehead. It looked like when the Saurmon was in his orc garden. Yeah, exactly. Like skins off people. It's really scary. Emerging from the sludge. Sorry, I just think that that's such a funny way to talk about Lord of the Rings. Remember when Saurmon was in his orc garden? Taking a stroll? Growing all his monsters? Yeah. Oh, just about ripe. Just pinching his cheeks. Almost ready.

With a bumper crop this year. Also, this is his voice. Yeah. This is the new Saurmon voice. I'm Saurmon. I'm Saurmon. Look out, Frodo. I'm coming for you. This is the Lord of the Rings that I did want to see. Hopefully this tree is just a tree. The party kidnapped Birdie and Birda. Well, held them. And then they were taken hostage in an attempt to gain passage into the Everwood Valley through the tightly controlled bridge. The single remaining bridge controlled by the Pumpkin King's forces.

They descended into the valley. The bridge crossing went fairly well. We discovered it was a shockingly strong bridge built by the halflings and aided by Fat Billy generations ago. Oh, yeah. In the form of a stump in the middle of the bridge that could not be moved. There's a woman. Turning it into a pure walking bridge. They crossed the waters, feeling the power of the Wittershins and the Sunwise as they did so.

The party crossed into the muddy expanses of the Everwood Valley, finding a land perhaps a touch larger than they thought from their observations high in the mountains. They found themselves journeying with Bertie and Berta on their way to Lone Tree Hill through a large muddy expanse that used to be a field dotted with scarecrows, halfling-sized scarecrows, as a horde of hogs emerged from the mud.

And the scarecrows came to life, jumping on the backs of the hogs and attempting to wrangle them as the party got drawn into this great conflict. How long do we think they were up on those scarecrows? What were the scarecrows for? This morning? Probably too long. They got to pee so bad. Yeah. Because you can't, the hogs can tell. Oh, they can smell? The hogs can tell. Oh, yeah.

If what preceded was the first 25 minutes of Saving Private Ryan explosions and screaming as the true threat of the hogs made itself clear. Shot for shot remake. Ving attempted to summon a muddy form using nature's call for a pig spirit and succeeded. Exceeded in drenching the entire battleground in a foot thick layer of mud, scattering the hogs as they reconvened for one final charge. And that is where we find our heroes now. What do you do? You're facing down the barrel of a hog horde.

Can I do war cry to try and fucking scare them away? Yeah, that's a great idea. Ten. Ten. Okay. So that means that you take plus one forward against them and your enemies feel fear and act accordingly. Avoiding you. Hiding. Hiding. Attacking with fear driven abandon. What do we think of those three is more likely with a group of pigs? I mean, I think they would attack. Oh, fuck. If there's like a group of them, I think Jessica's probably right. But that does mean that they're scattered.

Like they're not thinking. Well, they're pigs, so they're never thinking. Well, they're racist. They're very scattered. So right. I forgot about that. Yeah. It's a bunch of racist pigs. There's so many levels to this hogpocalypse. It's sociopolitical. It's cultural. So what is Tuck's war cry in this situation? Tuck uses Ving's world echo to talk directly to the pigs in their heads. Oh. And he goes, hogs, you racist fucks. Listen to me, a brown man. I have walked across the lands.

I have seen storms break men that were as tall as giants. And I have seen. I have seen giant empires shattered. And I will tell you that you might kill me today. But my legacy will live on. And yours will die here in the mud. And I fart. Great. That's the part the pigs love the most, actually. You hear all those pigs. They're yelling at each other. Because pig squealing is just them going. And they go, you heard him, boys. We'll kill him today. They come barreling towards you.

But you see the fear in their eyes. Yeah. As they charge this mighty horde of warriors. So now they are attacking with fear-driven abandon. So they're not coordinated. That charge that they put together is already breaking apart. Oh, yeah. Can I hack and slash? I found a pitchfork amongst the mud. Oh. Yeah. For once, it's not too big for me. Oh, yeah. It's halfling size. It's actually a fork. It's actually just a fork. Just a small fork. Just a normal pitchfork. All right. 2D. Six plus strength.

Nine. I will aid. Yes. Sorry. I was looking for the special die. It's okay, Bill. He doesn't know how to handle a weapon that is his size. He's still not used to it. Yeah. You're going at them like you're going to eat the pigs. Right. Yeah, like that. Like a sausage. Yes. Like you're jabbing a sausage. Like I am at the buffet. All you can eat breakfast. Here we go. This is all you can eat breakfast later. Husky. This conversation is happening at this speed while in the distance.

You see the mud getting kicked up like a shark is coursing through the waves. Yeah. All right. So roll 2D. Six plus bond. Four. Okay. Shit. So that's not so good. So you can still get a nine, which means that you roll your damage. Yeah. And they will also roll their damage. Okay. So I only got a two for damage. Two. Okay. I think it's like Ving is like, all right, Bill, you got to move the fork. It's got a point straight out.

So you do a pig charges right into you and you stab the pig and Ving is just like barreled over by another pig and you are carried away on the pig. Yeah. Oh, no. Yeah. I forgot how fat they are. It's just that it's fat. So you roll a D6. Two. Okay. So you take two damage. I think just from like hooves battering you. Well, I was holding it straight like and it kind of smacked me into the shoulder. Oh, yeah. Like the recoil from a gun. Just like, yeah. Bang.

It's like you got hit by like an ATV basically. Yeah. Pretty much. So winded. Yeah. Like Ving, you're standing there and Billy's next to you and then he's gone. And then Chuck sees Billy get carried away by a pig, like hit, like by a car basically. And then Chuck goes, Billy! No! I did the thing where you're like over explaining something to somebody who knows instinctively how to do the thing. Right. You know how to murder things. What was I doing? But you get fucking barreled over by a pig.

So you roll a D6. Oh, man. Two. Two. You get knocked over. You have a pig on top of you now. That's like smacking you with its hooves. Oh, my God. Snorting in your face. I don't have time to fight with honor, do I? Not from here, no. I'll defend. Okay. So that's plus constitution. Five. Holy shit. Oh, no. Paul's going through all the dice on the table trying to find the ones that work. It was a dark day at Ham-pocalypse.

I think the pig on top of you is like rearing up on its hind legs and like slamming down on you. And you're getting pushed further and further into the mud. I don't want to hurt you. Please. I don't want to hurt you. I understand. I think that racism comes from ignorance. And you could be better informed. I just don't like people. Slam, slam, slam. The mud is like, you know, starting to get in your ears. Eyes in your mouth. Oh, my God. My gills.

Tuck, you see Ving is being slammed into the mud over and over by a pig and Billy is riding one. Yeah. Kind of like everything goes into slow motion in Tuck's vision and it turns into black and white. And then I hear Ken Burns narrating over this. Okay. And the Ken Burns narration sounds like, it was a dark day in Ham-pocalypse. You hear like banjo music strumming. Yeah. Yeah. It's really roots. A nation torn asunder by a hammy threat. Where once idyllic civilization existed.

Now, furious pork as far as the eye could see. Brother against brother. Well, brother against pig, brother. And brother. It was against brother. All right. What do you do? And then you hear a PA come on and be like, Ken, it feels like you're kind of improvising part of this. You better get out of here. I brought this beer from home. You see that goddamn red light and it says on there, when I'm on the air, I'm on the guy. I'm Ken goddamn Burns. I was narrating 50 hour documentaries for you.

You're shit. You're getting in diapers. Okay. Okay. I'll get out of here. Yeah. You know it. You're the door. Anyways, these pigs were fucking huge, bro. Everything goes back to regular speed again. I imagine like, yeah, you're seeing Ving get slammed into the mud. Ving is like disappearing in this mud field. Billy is off in the distance, like holding onto a fork, getting whipped around like a little flag on a pickup truck. Just slamming into this.

Yeah, Tuck grabs one of the charging pigs by the ham, like on the back of its neck. And he goes, Ving, you're okay, right? And he rams the pig and goes after him like a motorcycle. He starts to kickstart the hog. He starts going after Billy. All right, you got to roll a Defy Dangerous Strike to get a hold of this pig. Five. Ten. All right. This one is six. So you grab the pig, you hop on, you kick its back leg down, and it starts going oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink.

It does the thing where, like, the back wheel skids out a little bit, and then it, like, takes off. It can't get purchased on the mud as it starts to run, and then, vroom, it's off. Yeah. This show's so fucking stupid. So now we're from Tuck's point of view. He's riding a pig. The wind blowing in his beard. He has the goggles from somewhere. You know how, like, the light cycles in Tron create, like, a vertical thing? That is happening, but it's the pig's fart that is… Just a fart cloud.

And you see the pig running off. It seems like this one has decided that getting stabbed was more than it was willing to take part in. Yeah. And is trying to get away. So I'm trying to control the pig to, like, catch up to Billy so I can attack the other pig. Okay, great. Billy, you see from your purchase holding on to the pig fork that you see Tuck riding up in the distance. He's trying to catch up to you. How do you help him align with this pig? Well, first, Billy says something. Oh, yeah.

I see what's going on now. Jessica started looking something up, like, three minutes ago. I definitely didn't Google war movie quotes. I believe you. Yeah. Yeah. I believe that. Yeah. Yeah. I did not do that. Billy yells to Tuck, what does it matter to me? I only have one life to lose. And then Billy steers with, like, puts his weight on the fork to steer the pig into, like, the direction of Tuck. Hell yeah. I got six. Okay. Shit. I can help. All right. How are you helping?

I just go, Billy, steer into me. I'm going to use a fairy child and turn a failed roll into a seven to nine. So Tuck still fails, but Billy does not fail. Yeah. I think the chase still continues. Like, Billy's got the pig sort of lined up in front of you, but your pig starts going like, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink. Oh, no. I'm running at a cat. It stopped farting. What do you do? Tuck goes, I'm running out of gas. No. Can I slam on the brakes with my pig? Oh, yeah.

You could definitely try. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to climb onto his back, pulling myself up by the hairs of his chinny chin chin. Wow. Wow. That's great. Amazing. And I'll use his ears to pull it back. Yeah. Okay. That sounds like a 2D6 plus. Strength? Okay. Seven. Seven. Okay. Yeah. You, like, yank on the ears, and the pig slows down a lot. Too fast. Oh, too fast. Yeah. And you, like, get thrown off? Yeah. We get rear-ended by Tuck and his pig. So can Tuck try and jump onto this other pig? Yeah.

Totally. Yeah. The thing that I'm imagining in my head is that Tuck wants to jump. He sees that Billy's trying to stop the pig, so he wants to jump over the pig and do, like, a flip in the air. Yeah. And then as I land, grab the tusks. Uh-huh. And then lift it over my head. Uh-huh. And then as it, like, goes in front of the setting sun, Tuck yells, Somebody draw this! And then he rock bottoms the pig. Okay. Cool. See, when you did the jump, I was, like, strength.

And then you said you were going to flip over the pig, and you talked me into dexterity. It's one of the sideways. Yeah, like a cartwheel flip. Yeah. Yeah. Like one of those gymnastics flips. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then you talked me back. Into strength with picking the pig up and rock bottoming it against the setting sun. So 2d6 plus strength. Okay. Eight. Eight. So you, yeah, you do that. The two pigs rear-end each other, and then everything slows down. You know, the pig's nose scrunches up.

The pig's butt scrunches up. The curly tail goes up his nose. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So uncomfortable. They kind of bow with the impact, which throws Tuck into the air. There's, like, a wave of badness. There's a ton of fat. Yeah, rippling fat. And they slam. The sound of broken glass for some reason. Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle. But the wave of fat, like, flicks Tuck up. Yeah. And he does a cartwheel through the air, slams into the ground.

Yeah, and it's like that scene from Wanted where the car is flipping over. Yeah. Where, like, Angelina Jolie and that guy make eye contact with each other, but that's what happened. That's Billy and me. Billy on the back of the pig going, whoa! Because Billy is thrown backwards by the inertia. Exactly. Yeah, that's the seven to nine, is that you also hurl Billy through the air. But at least I'm safe. But yeah, Tuck and I make beautiful eye contact as we spin opposite ways. Oh, no!

As the pig that you have hefted into the sky comes crashing down with the rock bottom, an explosion of mud. And the mud cascading against the orange of the setting sun. Oh, my God. Your motorcycle. Yeah, and your hog is destroyed. Not destroyed, but, you know, tired of this. It's on its side, and the legs are spinning. The legs are kicking a little bit. It's like the last gas is spilling out. Plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop. It's still farting.

I like that it also goes, plop. And then just gets up. Yeah. And we're like, oh, my God. And walks away. The pigs always just get up and walk away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I think it's interesting. The way that we've described this, it's almost like at some point there's like a spell that's broken on the pigs where they're like, oh, I'm done with this. Yeah, they just walk back to their homeland. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going back to the sty. This isn't worth it.

But, Billy, speaking of mud, time comes back. It flows normally as you slam into the mud like a little softball and are buried up to like your chin. It's okay. I'll do the halfling swim. What is that? It's when you read that move out. It doesn't exist. I made it up. World building. So it's the halfling swim is when every halfling is trained to swim in mud because of how often it floods here. Great. It's a powerful backstroke. Okay. Powerful backstroke. Two to six plus strength. Ten. Wow.

Jesus Christ. That's just my raw dice power. Whoa. Yeah. Billy starts backstroking really fast through the mud. Whoa. He looks like a little mud skipper. Like, his arms are going like they're blurring. They're going so fast. There's a rooster tail of mud following you. Yeah. He's like a little RC boat. Whoa. Yeah. See him ripping through the mud. Stroking so fast. Yeah. Well, cut back to Ving. Real quick. Cut away from that scene. You hear the editor go, oh, fuck. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving.

Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. Ving. It's Ken Burns going, what the fuck? Ving. Mud. Eyes. Mouth. Pig. Drowning. On top. Yeah. What do you do? I see Billy and- Yeah. Out of the- Through the mud, you see a little fish tail. It's just like, that's- Look at him go. So many- So quickly. Fast strokes. Look at them go. Look at them wow. Look at them wow. Look at them wow. Paul, you said you were hungover?

No, I'm doing good. Just going to have this over my head for no reason at all. Okay, so like- So Ken Burns is in the- Where is Ken right now? Ken's in a- Ken's in the booth. He's in a sound booth at the Audible headquarters. I can't believe you don't even have fucking parking here. I'm Ken goddamn Burns. I'm a buff, goddammit. Sir, we just got network notes.

It's weird that you're talking about this like- Quite small time podcast about like a fictional- A fictional thing that happened in this really small time podcast. Especially considering we're currently recording a documentary about the jazz age. It actually doesn't apply at all. And then he's like, you guys hear that? There's like a goddamn voice in my fucking head. Ken, you're wearing headphones. Ken, you're wearing headphones. Why is this room so small? Somebody get me out of here.

Just send the door to your room. Ken Burns just starts sundowning. Oh, he's stroking out. He's lost his mind. He's gonna run for Congress now. Vingas trying not to fight. Why was that the thing, Ving? Because it's funny. Thank you, Jessica. Because Trump and Biden are stroking out all the time. And that other guy that looks like Mac and me. The turtle guy. Yeah. Mitch McConnell. Yeah, he looks like a turtle. You- You have to have a mental disability to run the U.S. Government. That's so funny.

You have to. It's a requirement. Born on U.S. Soil. Born before World War II. You should have an opinions on talkies versus silent movies. Steep mental decline. I ran away from a train in the theater once. Oh my God, you're the president now. Vingas doing passive non-resistance. Because he knows who these pigs… This hatred is not towards me. I am not your enemy. And he's trying not to fight back for some reason. So you're trying to convince the pig to get off you. I'm just gonna fight him.

Ah, fuck it. This is why he's been taking it for so long. I was doing passive non-resistance, but now I'm doing active resistance. Yeah, I'm switching gears. I'm gonna fight with honor. So that's how you get your chance. Chi, are you trying to hit him? Yeah, I'm gonna take some hits while I garnish my chi. Okay, all right. That's very zen of you. I'm being very zen. What are you garnishing it with? Parsley. Really old kale. And orange slice for some reason. Delicious. 2d6 plus… Constitution.

Constitution. Nine. Nine. So you get… Can I aid him or am I too far away? Oh wait, I can aid from a distance. I can aid from a distance. I can aid from a distance. Because of luck of the fair folk. From a distance. All the energy that I'm building from the kinetic movements. Wait, what? What do you mean? Hold on. Yeah. Yeah, I'm swimming. So I'm building up all this static electricity. That's what's happening. In the what? Makes sense to me right now. I'm listening to it.

And it's like all that static electricity is like flown out through the mud and going to the closest living thing, which is Vang. Yeah. And supercharges his moves. Whoa, sick. I know. That's 11. Okay. Whoa. Yeah. Hell yeah. Something about being in the Everwood Valley makes Billy's… Yeah, that makes sense. Fairy powers. Oh yeah. We said it moves through the water and all this mud is water. Right. And there's also an underground cave system that… Full of magic water. Right.

So when Vang starts feeling this energy building up in him and he's garnishing his chi and then he just sinks further into the mud. Whoa. Whoa. And the pig's like, what the fuck? What the fuck? And the pig stops stopping. He's just like, huh? I swear I was trampling somebody just like a second ago. Dave, Dave, get over here. I won. There was a guy in there. I killed him. You saw that guy? He turned to mud. I turned him into mud. And then that pig goes, you're the king now.

You're the pig king now. You're the king of pigs. Don't tell Razortusk. Oh, yeah, Razortusk. Right, yeah, monster pig. Yeah. Okay, so yeah, wait, how does Ving? I don't know. Mechanically, what is the sinking in the mud? I really like that, that you just like disappear into the mud. It's so cool. An anime? Oh, break free from bonds or other confinement. Okay, great. There you go. The confinement was being smashed into the mud by this pig. Now you are in control.

So I seep into the mud and just come up on the other side of him. Yeah. Just emerge, like pop back up through the mud. And I say, looking for this. And then I turn him upside down. What was that? What does that mean? What is in this coffee? What does that even kind of mean? Because Ving knows that if you put a pig on the ridge of its back, it goes docile. Is that true? No. I mean, I like it. You could have said yes, and I would have believed you. I know, so close. You used to raise pigs.

You look like Dennis the Menace there. Yeah. So mischievous. No, Mr. Wilson. You were a pig farmer for a while. I would have believed you. Yeah, there's no way to calm a pig down. They're always mad. They are made of hatred. Oh, so sorry. With a seven to nine, you get two chi. Yeah, great. So that was one. Break free from bonds or other confinement. And then I will deal your damage to the sow within reach. Okay, great. Yeah, roll your damage. I got a two. Okay, cool. I got to sweep his legs.

Yeah, totally. Yeah, with a two, you're able to sweep his legs quite neatly. And he just goes, whoop. Upside down, lands in the mud. His legs are sticking up, and they're kind of kicking a little bit. He's going. Yeah. Just farting a little bit. Yeah, that pig is dealt with. Now we zoom out a little bit to the fight around us. The hogs that did not scatter completely have been more or less wrangled by the scarecrow halflings. They're now. Oh, right.

Birdie and Birda have been on Tuck's chest this whole time. Yep. They pop out like, oh, my God. Yeah, they pulled into the Bjorn and then emerge like turtles. Totally forgot about. Yeah, me too. You have a nice rag. I was going to say, they look like little two boobs popping out. Especially with the mud over each other. Just looks like you're in a busty corset. Yeah, a bit of a nip slip. Like Ving sees me against the settings. And he's like, who is that? Oh, my God. Shapes. Stop the press.

Who is that? Vev? Is that you? Oh, my God. He rubs the mud from his eyes. I love the smell of a Vev in the morning. Good morning, Vietnam. No, Apocalypse. Oh, wow. That's really good. That was quick. Complimenting you so much. Wow, I'm good at this. I was surprised by that one. That's why improv is fun, because it's fun for everyone. So the scarecrows are wrangling a bunch of the pigs. They've. Chased some of them off.

They've lashed some of them together that they're like, you know, there's a bunch of them standing around with ropes, like holding a big group of pigs that are yanking against their ropes. A rope on the end of a stick. You know that trick? Yeah, totally. Yeah. There's like three pigs left, and they're sort of trotting around the outside of the fight looking for an opening. The three of you come back together. Tuck, Billy, and Ving. Tuck is pretty far away, actually.

Okay, so Tuck's like jogging towards. Tuck's doing a thing where he's. He's like, he got really into like an anime headspace. Uh-huh. So he took Allison's scarf, and he like Chinese music started playing, and he put like the scarf around his head, and he tied it in a headband that had like a long train. Yeah. And then he took mud, and he like put it all over his face. So it's the Mulan montage. Yes. When she's getting like her sword. Totally. And everything. That winding string instrument. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. And he like, it's kind of like half Mulan, half Rambo first. Blood. Uh-huh. And then. Mulan first blood. Yeah, Mulan first blood. And then you see him walking in slow motion against the sun. And the wind is like whipping the scarf around. The scarf. Elegantly. Yeah. Beautiful. He's got a beautiful rack. And he's got a huge tits. And his loincloth is also blowing. Yeah. Oh my God. And he's thinking about Allison, and he releases a dove. Releases. Releases.

And a cherry blossoms like blow across the scene. Nice. And he pulls out two knives. Nine millimeters. Yeah. And runs in blazing. And this dude's got John Wood. But that's what it looks like. It's Tuck approaching the fight again. He's walking slow-mo from quite a distance away. Yeah. Bing hasn't been this like enamored in a while. He is like, oh my gee. Wow. So he's, Tuck will be of no help in the remaining. In the last moments of this fight. But the scarecrows are like, just get out.

Get out of here. If you're not going to help, you got to get out of here. What do you do? Billy says, I ain't got time to bleed. Holy shit. He grabs another pitchfork. There's a lot of them laying around. They're all over the place. Pulling them out of the mud. Yeah. And does what? Heaves it at a pig. That's kind of trotting by. Great. Volley. 2d6 plus dexterity. Nine. Okay. Nice. I'll aid. Yes. Okay. Yeah. Give a little two to wind. Hmm. I got six. Oh, I'll aid the aid, I guess.

You're too far away. But they can see how hot I look. That's true. I am inspired by the hotness. Yeah. I'm in full Miyazaki mode right now. How Ving helped. He was like, Billy, look at Tuck right now. And Billy looked somewhere else for a second. Then Ving was like, moved his head. He's like, no, look at Tuck. Okay. You see me silhouetted by the setting sun. Yeah. Another dove has been released. Oh my goodness. And then you see like in sort of like 50% opacity in the sky behind me. Yeah.

Allison. Oh my gosh. To indicate that that's what I'm thinking of. All right. Yeah. You've talked me into it. You've talked me into this aid. No, this is great. This is how this aid could work. Yeah. Ving saying, look at Tuck. And Billy looking somewhere else. And then Ving moving his head. And then Ving says to Billy, draw this, Billy. Draw this. I do. Yeah. I follow. I follow the curves of Tuck's body with the pitchfork. Drawing in the mud. Yeah. Oh, nice. Okay. 2d6 plus bond. Eight. Okay.

Which makes that a seven. Yeah. Which makes that a seven. Wow. No, this makes it a 10. Oh, it's a 10. It's a 10. Which means you just deal your damage. Nice. Deal your damage to a pig within sight. Two. Two. You can't. Playing for the lowest stakes right now. It's two damage everywhere. Every time you guys hit a pig, it's two damage. They have such thick skin. They do. And the little halfling pitchfork courses through the air, hits the pig, and it goes, wee, and runs off. Hits in the butt. Yeah.

And runs back to its homeland. Yeah. With a fork in it. Yeah. Nice. Stick a fork in me. I'm done. It's returning to tell stories to all its pig brethren of the fork that got lodged in its butt. There are still a couple of pigs. Oh, yeah. I'm going to try and take out two of them with a elemental form. Oh, okay. I'm going to do just like a little piggy, three stooges. I'm just going to try and get either side of their head and knock their heads together and knock them out.

So is this elemental mastery or elemental form? Elemental form. When you create a form for yourself from the elements, roll plus con. Yeah. So what body are you making for yourself? I think Ving's is going to use the magic water. And he's going to make two magic water snakes. You know, like he sticks his hands down in the mud and then the snakes. Oh, the water kind of like wiggles around your arms. Yeah. It raises up from the water. Oh. Strong chi. Yeah. Yeah.

It comes up from the mud and comes around his arms. Yeah, yeah. Like eels, snakes. Sick. And then. Yeah. 2d6 plus con. Eight. I get two hold. Yeah. So you can spend those two hold to deal your damage to the pigs? Yeah. So he has these two water snake whips, basically. So I just. Crackow. Yeah. And smash their heads together. Hell yeah. Great. I deal your damage to both of those pigs. Two. Two. And a two. Two. Two. Holy shit. Oh my god. This is the pig number. Yeah. Pig number.

All pigs have two hit points. So yeah. You just. The snakes lash out. The water snakes gripping onto the pigs and slamming them together. Yeah. Can the water make a cool like big huge wave? Yes. As it cracks together. Boom. Oh yeah. In front of the sun. Yeah. And Ving has put mud down his shirt and mud in the back. So he has this beautiful Jessica rabbit. Yeah. Silhouette. Looks like Nicki Minaj. Whoa. So what does Tuck see when he sees all the lumps on Ving?

And he's on the other side of the sun. So he's in full light. Oh okay. So it's like a spotlight on Ving. And Tuck's like whoa Ving does not look healthy right now. He looks like Ken Berners-Taylor. He looks crazy. Yeah. Like the lumps are too lumpy. Yeah. He's like. He sees like Ving like fire these like water snakes at the pig. Yeah. And he's like. He's like. He's like. He's like. You know water snakes at the two pigs. Yeah. And like slam them together. And he says. Parks Back on the menu boys.

And then he starts just smearing shit on himself. And Tuck's like. Oh whoa. You might have got a concussion in this fight. And then Ving is mistaken the concern on Tuck's face for like oooh. And he's like it's working. It's working. Look at the way he's looking at me. Oh my god. What is this feeling. What is happening. This is crazy. This is crazy. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know.

This is crazy Great The two remaining pigs have run off And the scarecrows have got the pigs lashed down They've like pulled the cords down To the point where the pigs are like Laying in the mud But are lashed to the ground basically So yeah the three of you are here Everybody's breathing Like panting Covered in mud And one of the halflings They're wearing like woven reed outfits Little tiny plaid shirts Stuffed with hay Like little raggedy hats And bandanas over their faces And one of them hops up on the pigs With a little pitchfork And goes state your business These were two The pigs and the scarecrows were two dangers That you both ran into at the same time Oh yeah We come with an offering Yeah Billy puts his hands up We come in peace And Birdie and Birda emerge Like arms legs and heads Right Popping out of the Bjorn And go hey don't negotiate with these rapscallions You're here to work for the pumpkin king That was our agreement And the scarecrow goes the pumpkin king No tyrant shall have control over these lands If you stand with the pumpkin king You stand against the crows What are the crows Tuck says He goes I smell gossip And he's rolling for gossip Can I roll for gossip Where's Belor Pearl and Morris have their ears The gals are gonna love this What is going on out there Can I use like a parlay You would have to offer them something Defy danger charisma I kind of want to just be charismatic at them Like you just want to ask them Yeah I just want to ask them Alright 2d6 plus charisma Jessica stop jiggling those M&M's in your hand Tuck goes brave warriors We have not paid fealty to any kings of this land And knowing the halflings The land itself is the only thing that deserves fealty And he releases another dove Where is he getting all these doves You gotta stop kidnapping doves And the doves are filthy And they are mad And behind him Ving plays a pan flute Tell us Who are the crows Tell us who are the crows And how are they related to Jack of the lantern and the diggies Billy's eating M&M's He's gonna re- Doing the backstroke took so many calories out of him Billy just finished a huge fight He doesn't want to do the talking He wants to do the talking He wants to eat his candy Mayhaps the crows deserve our fealty right now Thirteenth Okay that's pretty high The scarecrow in front of you like lowers his pitchfork But not all the way Just so it's not pointed directly at your jugular So it's pointed at my dick and balls Yeah Tuck calls his jugular He says The crows are the only true proponents of freedom in these lands The crows are the only true proponents of freedom in these lands We fight for the common halfling We fight to free the communities of the Everwood Valley From the tyranny of the Pumpkin King So we're on the same side And Birdie goes No you're not You said you were on our side That was the deal They start like kicking out of the Bjorn And they're like If you side with them You are enemies of the Pumpkin King Oh no Let us out Close the Bjorn Trap them Tuck wants to be the one to go out there Very quickly cinch up the Bjorn It's really tight So they can't get out 2d6 plus strength Ted They start kicking out And the Bjorn gets cinched around them They get smashed together They're like God hand us No You get us audience with the Pumpkin King And only then will we let you free And if you betray us I'll fucking eat you Billy's just gonna tell lies Oh You think there's only one of me?

No There are several And they didn't do what Tuck wanted So what do you think happened? Oh Yeah we had a bunch of halfling Yeah Children Before Tuck's not totally a part of it And I And I Ate them Yeah I ate I ate them The crows are backing up Yeah so I mean we're kind of at a We're in a tense impasse here Yeah What do you do? Should we Should we talk Do a huddle? Do a huddle? Yeah we can huddle up Yeah let's huddle up Let's huddle up Should we figure out what we want?

So do you guys go Just a sec Yeah just a sec We're just trying to figure something out Okay we're like at a Actual crossroads here Yeah but it feels like the crows are trying to like Save the Everwood Valley Yeah so I'm on their side I'm also on the crow's side How do we let them know that we Are on their side But we need to We need to Not Tip our hat That we're gonna go in and spy on the Pumpkin King Well you can just tell them that we're gonna go spy on the Pumpkin King Oh yeah they might like that Yeah But we can't let Birdie and Birda Birda know that Well I feel like Birdie and Birda are just our hostages now Yeah that's true Yeah Yeah So we'll just threaten to kill them If they Don't If they Want to betray us We're kind of In Doug's like I'm gonna go out on a limb here And say that In the relationship Between us And the And Birdie and Birda We have the upper hand Also we could blackmail them Yeah Cause they ate all those blueberries Which is against the rules with the Pumpkin King Yeah Also they're brother and sister And we could say that we saw them fucking Which isn't against a rule Hard rule for the Pumpkin King But it is frowned upon It is very frowned upon Very frowned upon You hear Birdie and Birda going Birdie and Birda are in the huddle Yeah Oh I forgot Against their will Ew So yeah I think he's like Get away from each other Yeah exactly No So yeah We side with the crows We side with the crows Okay break We come back Yeah we look really cool Like we swagger towards the crows Yeah And Finn goes Ah Ah And Billy flaps his wings Ah Ah And Tuck pulls out Another A dove that's a crow Yeah Out of the Bjorn This thing is full of people and birds Is it like the water bottle pockets?

Yeah He had a bunch of birds Like a bandolier of birds Yeah And he releases a dove Wow Incredible So What say ye? We side with the crows that fight for the halfling lands How do we fight? How do I know you speak the truth And will not betray our cause? Finn calls a crow over And gets it to speak on our behalf Okay Can I do that? Yeah absolutely I'd say Parley with a crow?

Defy danger charisma probably To get one to come to you Six I will help With your M&M's Yeah so Billy starts Throwing the M&M's in the air Eight Okay so seven to nine Thank you for sacrificing your life This is a huge sacrifice Billy's silently crying But he knows it's for the greater good Yeah Can the seven to nine be That when the crow comes to land It eviscerates one of the doves that Oh shit Like duck released It catches it It kills it But they don't They're not hunters They're scavengers Yeah but this one's killing for sport This one's a hunter Not even hunting So it just lands and it's draped in blood and feathers Yeah what's good?

It's going on It's just looking at all of you What's up? What do you need? Hey it's me Ving And he recognizes my face Oh yeah I've heard of you You're the spirit walker That's right I just want you to speak I just killed that dove Oh and it was great I was hoping we didn't have to talk about it Oh boy have you ever killed a dove before?

I have by accident Oh it's nothing like it Ending something that is truly beautiful and innocent For no other reason than just to end it You have a little something just there Oh I know Don't tell the other crows I did this We can hear this conversation Oh yeah everybody can hear this crow talking Yeah what are they doing?

They're just looking at the crow They're just looking at the crow They can We hear it We hear it speak We hear this bird's words Yes if you side with the crows When we are with you You will hear all the crows Okay Okay Okay Okay Okay Okay Okay Okay You can get them to be on your side And they huddle together Billy's nodding sagely You will have the power of Not only the earth But of the sky And you can see what they do To doves It's pretty fucked up And Tuck doesn't say anything Because he's crying You suggested this don't put this on me And Tuck goes Why would you do that Sean?

Why? Why would you do that to the thing I created in the world? You fucking piece of shit. You took Allison away from me, and you took Black Spire away from me. And now Darren? You're now my best friend, the dove. And now he's crying because I called the dove his best friend. I thought that you and I were best friends. Sean, look what you did to us. And Billy's crying because he's like, I think my parents are fighting with me to get a divorce. And then I'll be an orphan.

That's what happens when parents get divorced. The kid becomes an orphan. Evenings and weekends and sometimes holidays. And the crows convene for a while. But the pigs. Who are also here. Right. Start talking. What do they say? Don't listen to them. Don't listen. They're lying to you. They're just trying to sow discord. But they seem shocked for a moment that they can hear the pigs. And they go, silence, swine. Wait, the pigs are trying to sow discord between who? The halflings.

Between each other. You and the halflings. Okay. Because this is the enemy is the hogs. And also all of the animals here can talk. What else are they sowing? Are they basically like Heath Ledger's Joker? Like they're just in pure chaos? Pretty much. Pretty much. It would seem. They're sowing discord. Wow. Sorry. Spelled the same way. I'm never sure how to pronounce it. The crows turn back to you. So you offer us the power of the crows? The crows are their own.

But I offer you their wing and friendship. And you will help us in our fight against the pumpkin king? Yes. Can you aid us? In our quest to dismantle the pumpkin king? From within. And get rid of the hogs. And restore the land. And inspect their former glory. Yes. Yes. We can offer you this. We can offer you our aid. And you offer us your aid. And together we will aid each other. What do you know of the pumpkin king's fortress? The Lone Tree Hill? A village of previous idyllic beauty.

Barricaded and turned into a citadel. Of gourds. He's gorgeous. He's gorgeous. Oh. Sorry, it's been a long day of fighting hogs. I was up on that pole for like 15 hours. I got heat stroke up there. I have to pee so bad. I actually think I might have already started. There's no way to tell after holding it for this long. The hogs start becoming more active. They smell it. They're like, we must get to it. Piss, piss, piss. I want to drink that piss. I'm so racist. I want to drink the piss.

Man, racists are weird. All racists. And one of the hogs go, all racist people. I love drinking piss. They call themselves people. I love it. If you disagree, that means you're a racist. Yeah, you're trapped now, piss drinker. I would check that bubbly. It's full of piss. Do you remember when that study came out that said like mints had like a hundred different kinds of piss on them? Mints? Yeah, mints. Like after dinner mints? A hundred different kinds of piss? Yeah.

Like a bowl of mints that were covered in everyone's piss. Oh. Mints. I thought like once you unwrap, like out of the factory, it has piss. I think out of the factory it has piss. No, don't say that. Okay. No, but like. How? How is there that much piss on? Just from people touching it. Okay. In the factory with all the gloves and stuff? Yeah, I think like the factory is like covered in piss. Abdul. Don't lie to me. I'm not. This is a thing I heard. Are you serious? I heard it in 2008.

I heard it in 2008. I heard it in 2008. I heard it in 2008. I heard it in 2008. I heard it in 2012. So it must be true. Everything that was said in 2012 came true. What? Oh, it's true. What is it? Studies showed high concentrations of urine and fecal matter on materials such as mints and candies, bowls of unwrapped snacks at like restaurants. Well, duh. Okay. Yeah. So shit that's wrapped in plastic is probably not going to be covered in piss. But if you're grabbing like a loose.

Plastic is definitely covered in piss. Hey, here's the thing. I'm still eating those candies. Wow. I'm not eating those. I'm eating the uncovered ones. Oh my God. Sean is a racist. Oh, no. No. He loves drinking piss. That's not what I mean. That's not what I mean. He just admitted it. I just love having a healthy immune system, which sometimes means consuming a little bit of piss. Oh my God. He admitted it. Oh my God. Trump, what's that under your hair? And then it's a MAGA hat? What?

Trump, you call him Trump? Pull back your bangs, Sean. Let's see what you got hiding. Oh, he's wearing a can helmet with cancer. Oh, my God. That's piss. We're all fighting against so much individually right now. Okay. So the crows have, at least this group, have acknowledged that they will accept your aid if you so choose to help them. Come join us at the roost. No, wait. That's too crow-like. They're called the crows because of the scarecrow outfits. I feel like they lean into it, though.

Yeah, they do. Yeah. But I mean, would they be more scarecrow-y or more crow-like? More crow-y. Crow-y. So the roost. It's kind of a mishmash thing. I think they had to put this aesthetic together pretty quick. They did. Yeah. They had like two days to set everything up. Yeah. Right. And shoddy their zones. It's only been like a week and a half that the pumpkin came. It's this guy's thing. Yeah. Right. And his buddy's like, it's just the HQ. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Join us at the roost, if you so choose. We do. Very well. Another dove falls from the sky. Falls from the sky. Dead. Dead. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. I didn't even get that one. That one just died of old age. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Natural causes. You hate to see it. Tuck's crying again. Oh, my God. Mitch. Okay. So from here. Okay. We have hostages now of the pumpkin king. Yeah. Are we taking them? I guess we have to take them to the roost. We do. I cinch it up even tighter. All right.

You're not going anywhere, you little weirdos. And we're going to make sure you get out of here. You guys stop fucking each other. No. Why are you doing this? Just shoehorning this. Just trying to gaslight them into thinking they have sex with each other. We didn't. Did we? We didn't do it. Huh? But he's saying it so much. We got to try to stop these guys from fucking each other. Wait, what? Can I suggest something? Yes, please. Please. Okay. So their roost is… Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Because they're deep in the valley, they live in little shacks on stilts. So cool. Yeah. Cool. Yeah. And so their barricade is just a bunch of sticks built up like a tall fence, a tall fence around their roost zone. So it looks like a big nest. Oh, yeah. I like that. Like the sticks kind of are poking out and they're sharpened. Cool. A hot sharpened stick. So cool. That's great.

They've carved turnips to look like skulls that they've stuck on the sticks. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And they're like the bot, like they have the skull turnip head, but then they did put like scarecrow bodies on them. So it's like all these freaky scarecrows. Oh, that's so cool. Yeah. And it's the nest itself is big enough that it houses an entire community inside of it. Yeah. It's like a little hamlet inside. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you like, you know, you approach this fortified nest structure and the halfling that was leading you here. You know, you traveled for a while through like an hour, but in the same way that you felt. When you cross the river, the distance feels very unusual. Yeah. And it's like, you get there and you're like way more tired than you'd expect to be after only walking for an hour. And eating through magical water mud. Yeah. It just changes things.

It feels like we should be able to see the river, like the sunrise and the winter shins at all times, but we can't. Oh, it's over the horizon now for some reason. Yeah. Uh, and you get to like the gate and the guy goes like, and then click, click, click, click, click, click, click. And the little gate is opened, but like tuck and Ving, you could step over this fence if you really wanted to. Yeah. You stoop to go under. I stoop to like bow to the. Yeah, of course. Yeah. You're playing along.

Duck does the same thing. Yeah. You walk into this community and it's very like, it feels like an old West town. Like there's people like walking, you know, like they're, they're riding chickens like through the, through the roads. Nice. There's another, there's a blacksmith like clock, but he's just working on like a scarecrow. So he's just hitting. Nice. Like a shirt full of hay with a hammer. Kids go by with a stick and a wheel, but the wheel is a tumbleweed, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Totally.

Everybody give me one more detail from this roost. I want to know what this place is like. There's a saloon with a miniature horses parked there. Oh. Drink out of a trough. Yeah. You hear that carousing and piano playing and the doors are swinging. Somebody comes flying out in a fisticuff. Oh, very rough and tumble. Just thrown out in the mud. Yeah. Yeah. And everything's because everything's lifted off the ground. Like you, everyone has to climb these ladders. To get up to places. Oh yeah.

It's just these drunken people who can't like get up and down the ladder. Yeah. And there's walkways between everything. Oh cool. Like it's almost, once we're inside of it, the like quote unquote nest structure outside is actually like kind of a huge wall around the whole of the Hamlet. And then it's like sort of a lot of crisscross. You guys are like, Tuck and Vinger like ducking ladders and bridges, like rope bridges. Yeah. It's sort of like the sticks, but smaller. Yeah. Kind of.

You walked villagey. Yeah. Yeah. They have dried vegetables hanging from the stilts, like from the woodwork that builds the stilts. And there's actually like some crows that are like also nesting on the rooftops. Oh yeah. They nest on the rooftops. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. Yeah. And the scarecrow that walked you in here, it takes you past this saloon and you hear some real like honky tonk ass, like peony music coming out of the windows with a lot of like, oh, you're cheating at cards. Like that.

Kind of shit. And then the scarecrow goes, oh, this is perfect. Here now comes our leader. And he like gestures towards the double doors as they flap open and out walks a little old halfling with a handlebar mustache and long white hair. And a big mug of cream. And a big mug of cream. And he goes, wild bill. He lives. And that's where we're going to end it for this week. I'm your game master, Sean O'Hara. Joining me as always playing Tacoma. Dome, the barbarian, Abdul Aziz.

Another dove falls into his mug of cream. All right. For Christ's sakes. Being the half elf druid, Paul Hoppers. Take care. Playing fat Billy, the halfling thief, Jessica tie. It's Bill. Thank you to Aaron Reed for our intro and outro music. He would recognize you, right? Oh, probably. Thank you to Aaron Charles Reed for our intro and outro music. You can find the music of Aaron Charles Reed under the name Aaron Charles Reed at Aaron Reed dot band camp.

Dot com and all of the music that Aaron has produced for the show at SoundCloud dot com. Thank you to all of our supporters around the world for supporting the show in a myriad of ways, primarily money, but also love and support. Yeah. Yeah. That's an amazing fan art. Incredible fan art. Yeah. Like music. Fan songs. It's just. Yeah. You know what? We have a spell or community discord. Yeah. Which you can find the link to just about everywhere. You can find it in the show descriptions.

You can find it at our Twitter. We'd really love for you to come by and hang out. It's a really fun place. And finally, and most of all, thank you to all of you for listening. We'll see you next time. And so ends the tale of adventures three who tried the best they can. Though dumb and scared and lost they be for times of rest in revelry. And though our journey may be long. We will not leave you without a resolution. Return next week to hear some more whilst you commute or do your chores.

And for you I gladly spell dawn.

Hey, Tuck here telling you to donate to speltlore.com slash money please or patreon.com slash speltmore for more of this I'm doing an act out but you can't see it below the table show me your hands right now no, I'm still doing it show me your hands right now no, why?

Because I'm masturbating Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes, noble and bold a brute, a druid and a thief who is but nine years old you know them by name, you know them by deed their quests are famously daring so here I sit singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home he loves to sing and fight fingers have health, he shifts his shape and wields a spear with great might Billy's a thief his tiny size does mask the largest heart best and brightest they may not be but their friendship outweighs their smarts so gather round friends and listen close for the tale's about to start hello everybody and welcome to Spout Lore I'm your game master Sean O'Hara and joining me as always playing Tacoma Dome the Barbarian Abdulaziz Tuck here coming at you live from fuckapalooza the only festival where you fuck playing Ving the half elf druid Paul Hoppers hi this is me at home in the basement I was not invited to fuckapalooza they said the car was full I saw them leave on a bus sorry Ving the car's full you can't come to fuckapalooza but those are train tickets I said I'm just imagining him standing on the curb watching the bus pull away going oh man I wanted to go to fuckapalooza I do playing fat belly the halfling thief Jessica Tai I bought tickets to the wrong festival I thought you were going to a tea festival you going to fudgeapalooza yeah I thought I was going to fudgeapalooza I had my fudge outfit on what's a fudge outfit you were getting all the wrong people wrong attention are you dressed as fudge or dressed to eat fudge just I mean both because you have to be so you wear your brownest outfit and let's stretch you not because your tummy expands because you have to go to the bathroom really fast yeah you don't want to deal with hanging buttons and zippers dude that brown mom over there she said that her clothes are for easy access and Billy's like same fuck that lady enjoy fudgeapalooza enjoy fudgeapalooza lady fudgeapalooza what's fudgeapalooza he's just being polite uh oh when last we left our heroes they traveled upon the back of Gale the mighty thunderbird to their destination the city of Highspear to drop off their companions the wizards Morris and Perel at the base of said Highspear while in route they!

Took the secret thunderbird paths using their superior navigation skills and mastery over flight to course between the winds and the storm clouds while traveling Vang I believe with his superior elf like vision spotted in the clouds a great shape that resolved itself to be an elemental thunderbird with a bezoar made of roiling black cloud which Gale announced to be an extension of Thronebreaker's will in the storm itself to its to its own!

Exchange for becoming desperately, hopelessly lost within the mountains. Alighting on a cliffside plateau, Billy told everybody that he actually recognized the area and that they were a day or two's travel away from the Everwood Valley itself. Gail, shaken to her very core by the attack of the elemental Thunderbirds, announced that it was no longer safe for them to travel with her because if something were to happen to the three of you, then all would be lost. All our patrons would be lost.

And all of our Patreon dollars would be lost. You can't afford the supporters. So Gail left you and you made a plan to travel on foot. First to the Everwood Valley, down the Wittershins and the Sunwise to an unnamed river that goes through the mountain ranges to Highspear. Then making camp, Ving communed with the stars.

Using his move night moves to watch the movements of the celestial bodies and to determine a safe route, safe from the prying eyes of the gibbous man through a winding marsh valley through the mountains, crisscrossed with ancient stone tunnels. And also the domain of mother never was. Billy spoke with an old friend, a fairy named Stumpy. So called because he's a stump. He lives in a stump. He lives in a stump. And Stumpy told Billy that the things in the Everwood Valley were not looking great.

The floods that we've heard about, I think since like season six. Yeah. Season four took a great toll on the crops of the Everwood Valley. And then following the floods came the hogs. Hogs. The hogs from the hog lands swept into the valley. And now after the week's months of bitter fighting against the hogs, roving bands of pigs remain. Mm hmm. And the party has resolved. To go and aid the halflings however they can. Making for Lone Tree Hill. Resolved is maybe a strong word.

We casually agreed to stop on the way. Yeah. Because Billy seemed really worried about a bunch of pigs. It's a drive through. Yeah. Exactly. We're just like, yeah, dude. Yeah. It's. Yeah. Go look at the pigs if you want. Yeah. We can go look at them. I have to tell you guys, it's not a petting zoo. It's a pig. And that is where we find the party. Now, I think walking and this is the conversation that's going on. It's like, yeah, whatever. It's like pigs. It's fine. Whatever you guys will see.

And then, and then you won't be so brave. Like you'll be like, oh no, Billy help us. And I'll be like, oh, sorry. I thought it was just a bunch of pigs. And as this conversation comes to an end, I think you'd come out of the Hills. Yeah. I think we're, we, we reached the eponymous Everwood Valley. Yeah. Which stretches out before us. The sun is up.

The clouds are gray, but there's some blue sky sneaking through and we see a large, like off into the horizon, like mountains on the far edge, but we are in a large mountain valley, a glittering river courses down one side in front of you, coursing to the south and far to the south. You see it bend around and course back up to the north. That's the Sunwise and the Wittershins. That is the Sunwise. And the Wittershins, Billy, a very familiar sight. I made that.

And that is actually, we are like, it's Tuck has heard of the Sunwise and the Wittershins, and he was sort of aware that Billy was like involved in making it, but it's like crazy to watch. Yeah. Like it's a river that courses in the wrong direction. It does not make sense when you look at it. It's like looking at an MC Escher painting in real life. I think. Mobius strip, but water. Yeah.

I think the side that you're on is the one that makes sense because it feels like it's going away from the mountains, but then yeah, farther to the east, you can see it moving towards the mountains and you're like, what the fuck? Bing's heard about it, but only through Billy and stuff like he's heard of them. And he pictured like you knitting these tiny little streams sitting on a creek's edge. He's like, oh my God. It's huge. It's like the width of Niagara fall. Isn't it? Yeah. Oh yeah.

So right. We're on, we're like at a higher elevation. We're not quite out of the hills. We're looking down into the valley. I imagine we came out like it, like there's a mountain path and we came out and you see like the entirety of the valley in front of you. Yeah. Yeah. And so, yeah. So to the south, I forgot the namesake of the valley.

The river rushes down to the south into a forest, not quite great forest in scale, but it looks like, you know, there's like primordial forests that they have in like some parts of England where like the trees aren't big, but they're fucking old. Yeah. Yeah. It's a better vibe, like a shorter sort of oak and beach and you forest, but yeah, ancient trees. If you were being chased by bandits, you would be like, you'd stop and look at the bandits and look at the forest and be like, okay.

And you run in and they would not chase you. I'm not going in there. Exactly. That there's monsters in them woods. Yeah. That was a bunch of stories. And then a guy goes in and he's clutching his spear and he's shaken looking in the trees. Yeah. We're watching happen in the distance. There's a bunch of bandits down there. Yeah. So that's what we see. I mean, we can see the whole valley laid out before us. So we see halfling villages dotting the landscape.

If I remember, I mean, Jessica, you can help fill some of this in. Oh, sure. Yeah. They never get that big, right? Halfling villages? No, no, no. They're very small. But like close together, you know, you could easily visit each other. Yeah. Are they like kind of like close to the river sort of thing? Or are there like also settlements inland as well? Yeah, they're everywhere. Like inland, near the river. There's even some kind of like on the eastern side that encroach on the mountain.

But that's like the hardiest. Those are the badass halflings. Well, because they're closest to the hog lands. Yeah. But they also have like killer thigh muscles and quads and stuff. They look like squirrels. Like squirrels. Oh, right. And we talked about how like the halflings, they're sort of on top of just riding the river around. They've like taken advantage of the flow and they create like channels and stuff like that, right? So yeah, there's different like channels that cut through. Sick.

There's like little draw bridges and like the boats will regularly circle around the river. I imagine that there's some automation to it because of how predictable the river flow is. So they like put a box, a crate on there. Oh, yeah. And you end up over there. You don't have to worry about it. Yeah. There's like no river ferry, like ferrymen that like go. Down the river. You just hop on a boat that's passing by. Yeah. That's great. Like Frogger. Yeah. Yeah.

So considering the current state, the floods and the hogs, what do we see as being like the current state of the Everwood Valley? Do we see lots of boats? Do we see people? Or is it like you see like a swarm of hogs in the far distance, like milling about in a field? I mean, the thing with the hogs is that they root up the ground. So you would see a lot of rooting destroyed. Totally. Farmer's fields. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of it is super muddy and gross. Yeah.

Like it's not very green like it usually would be. There's small trees and bushes that have been uprooted. Smashed box and boat flotsamajetsamal. Yeah. Like clumps of smashed wood floating in the widdershins. Yeah. Yeah. It's a scene of destruction kind of, but also cute because it's all really little. There's a lot of the boats slash wagons have been repurposed for now to create barricades around things that they're trying to keep safe. Yeah. Oh, I like that.

Is there a Walking Dead vibe where there is like- Yeah. There's like- There's like makeshift- Like walls around. Walls and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Great. So we're going into an actual hogpocalypse. It's a hogpocalypse. Yeah. And Billy's like seen it before. He's like, yeah, you know, when it gets bad- This happens. This is what they turn into. Yeah. They are, they look like the people from The Walking Dead where they're like, some of them, we can see in the distance. Some of them have like- Yeah.

Yeah. Like little samurai swords. Yeah. The one person has a bow. But you can see even from this great distance away, the Everwood is untouched. What is the Everwood? Oh, it's the- The forest. The primordial forest. Yeah.

The forest at the southern base of the valley where the Wittershins and the Sunwise do pass through the Everwood on their way back north, which I guess that would probably be considered the quote unquote separation point where it's like, this is the Sunwise, this is the Wittershins. Right. Where it turns back north. Yeah. Can I ask one more question? Yeah. I just want to know if the barricaded town is Lone Tree Hill. They're all barricaded in some way. Every town is like- Yeah.

Or some of them, maybe one of them's destroyed. It's like, it goes like not barricaded, destroyed, not barricaded, destroyed, barricaded. Like the hogs came from a distance, so you can see kind of where they washed in from. Yeah. Yeah. I think relative to halflings, but also the taller folks, I think you've got a little bit of a walk before you get to Lone Tree Hill. Yeah. Okay. That makes sense. Lone Tree Hill is kind of in the north part of it. Yeah.

It's like a flat valley and it's just like actually like this little tiny bump. It's literally a small hill. Yeah. With a tree on it. It makes sense it's north because it's not close to the Everwood, so it's strange that there's a tree on a hill. Yeah. Yeah. I'm trying to get a sense of how big the area within the Sunwise and the Wittershins is. Is it the size of- It's like Langford. It's all of Langford. Right. So it's like if you were a halfling, it's huge.

For a halfling, it's the size of all of Vancouver Island. Yeah. Yeah. So it would take you maybe two hours to walk across- To walk across the whole thing. Okay. I've got to change the scale in my head. I do love the idea that the camera sees the valley and it's this like rolling, like destroyed, massive place and then you guys step into frame and it's like a mini golf course. Oh God. Yeah. Yeah. But I like that. It takes like three or four hours to walk across the whole valleys.

Does that make sense or should I pick a different- It does. Okay. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. Do we see some pigs? I think you do. Discern realities. Yeah, let's discern realities. 2D6 plus wisdom. Nice, I got 11. Holy shit. Three questions. What should I be on the lookout for?

I think if you squint, you can see groups of pigs walking around, but not a massive horde. I like that a lot are just sleeping in the mud, though. Yeah. Okay, yeah, totally. So there's like mud covered pigs that you can't even see. And the farmers are just like so steamed about it. They're just like, get on my lawn. Get out of here. Okay, so I think that actually is the answer. Is you do see groups of pigs walking around and you're like, oh yeah, there they are.

But then you're looking at a nearer field that's just churned mud. And you're like, oh man, just an empty field. And then a dozen pigs like get up from the mud. And you're like, oh fuck, I didn't see those things at all until they started moving. So something to keep an eye out for is the fact that these pigs could be anywhere. Okay. I was thinking that we all could pick one because we're all looking out over the valley. Okay. Do we like that? They're like landmines. Land swans. Land swans.

Oh, like crocodile or alligators hiding in the swamp. Right. Yeah, you think it's a log and then you're like, wait a second, that's a massive crocodile. That's a big fat pig. Okay. I want to ask what here is useful or valuable to me. What here is useful or valuable? I have an idea. Yeah. There's like a zip line sort of thing with like a bucket. Oh. Like a gondola thing? Yeah. You know, like you could fit a halfling in the bucket or like some food.

Oh, maybe it goes up to like a mountain blueberry patch. Yeah. Yeah. Send down blueberries and cranberries from the mountain. So we can maybe get across that way. Yeah. Or maybe Billy can. Will it hold our weight? I mean, it holds a lot of blueberries. It's 700 pounds worth. I know it can hold me and a full bucket of blueberries. Eat my tummy. That's not enough. Oh, yeah. This thing will hold us. And it's literally a clothesline essentially.

But you know what that does tell you is that there's food up there. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There. There. From the discerning realities list? Sure. I want to ask who's really in control here other than the pigs. I mean, I think if we're looking out over a walking dead, we might see like a faction or something happening, popping up. Right. Maybe, yeah. Or whatever. Yeah. Or like it's clear that the lot of people holding out are there. Oh.

I feel like we're using the binoculars to really like zoom in. Oh, yeah. Enhance it. It would be so funny if there was like some fucked up halfling that was like, I am the warlord of Lone Tree. Yeah, there's somebody who's not usually in charge trying to take charge. Like they took over. Like they're like, I don't like how the mayor is doing this. I'm now the mayor. Oh, he's making America great again. Oh, yeah.

I mean, I don't hate the idea that, yeah, Billy like zooms in with his binoculars because he's like, oh, Lone Tree Hill is over this way. And you see that there is a huge barrenness. Barricade around Lone Tree Hill. Whoa, that's really big. Yeah. Well, I mean, you know, it's like four and a half feet tall or whatever. Huge. How are we going to get over that? And you see like halflings in scavenged armor patrolling the top of the wall. And you see a banner. You see a banner hanging off the wall.

And you zoom in. And the banner is it's black. And then it's got an orange shape. And then it's got a little bit of a red lip on it of a gourd vegetable with angry eyes and a mean mouth. You just did a smile for a mean mouth. Am I making the halfling lance too stupid? No, it's perfect. Yeah. I mean, if we're all digging this, this is for us. They basically have a jack-o'-lantern. Yeah. Okay. There's yeah. They have jack-o'-lanterns like on like on the spikes. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

They have rotting pumpkins on spikes. Yeah. Game of Thrones, but pumpkins. Billy's like the symbol of death. And then in the distance, we hear open the doors. And then we hear another halfling go. Do you have food for the pumpkin king? All hail the pumpkin king. You see the halfling hold up a little sack. And you hear. Clunk, clunk, clunk. As a big cart is pushed to the side. That's a normal size cart. By eight halflings throwing their weight against the cart.

I feel like, yeah, the fence around this town is the size of like just a regular fence you could buy at a Home Depot. Yeah. Like your fence. Yeah. But it'll keep any halfling out for sure. It'll keep pigs out too. Uh-huh. So it would appear, Billy, because you've never seen any sort of organization like this in your time in the halfling lands that someone is seizing control. Yeah. Yeah. Someone's hoarding the food. Yeah. In this time of trouble. Billy, are you doing okay? This is like your home.

Yeah. I just don't know who's doing that. It's weird. I feel weird in my hands. Like I want to beat them up. In your hands? Yeah. Do the energy release. No, I want it to, I want the madness to hit them in the face. That goes against all halflings. Halfling rules. Except when they did it to me all the time. That's the only time it's allowed. Subjugating other halflings is not okay. Uh-uh. Yeah. Because they're intrinsically quite socialist, right? Yeah. It's the only way that halflings survive.

Is to work together. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. I remember it's an interesting system of like their communities are very insular, but if you're in the community, everybody gets what they need. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You can continue down into the valley, which is about a 45-minute hour, probably out of the mountains. Yeah. I think we need to bring a food offering. It just makes sense. To get into this town. I think so. Okay. We need to have power of some kind. And food is the main source of power here. Can I roll plus wisdom to try and quickly forage as much as possible? I mean, intelligently using my wisdom. Oh, and using your wisdom. Yes. Yeah. You absolutely could forge with defy danger wisdom. Great.

I got nine. Okay. I could use a hand. I'll help. How is Billy helping? By tasting. Yeah. He's like, you can't do it by sight alone to see which ones are the ripest. Yeah. 12. Jesus Christ. I know. Holy shit. Of course. He comes to eating berries and Billy's like the best. I mean, anyone would know what a blueberry tastes like. Yeah, totally. These are blueberries. These are for sure. And then he eats more. Yeah. He's like, yeah, you definitely need more of these. They're blueberries.

And I also ate all of them. You gotta find another bush, but they were blueberries. It's okay. We grow a lot at the same time. Yeah. Me and the blueberries. Yeah. So you get like a good Tupperware containers worth of blueberries. That's it? Well, you're not at the blueberry patch. You're just on a mountain trail. Considering that, you've found a good amount of blueberries. Tuck's like, I found this. It's a pine cone. Delicious. That'll work. You cannot eat them. Can't you?

I'm 100% sure you can't eat them. And you're just heading down into the valley from here? I mean, I kind of want to test out to see if the zip line will work. Yeah. Can we try it? We can truck up to the zip line. I think so. Why not? Yeah, let's do it. It's a fairly easy walk unless we want to do a perilous journey. Tuck just starts cutting through the mountain trail to get there. Thank you, Tuck. Yeah. 2D6 plus endurance or constitution? Constitution, yeah.

He's just like, yeah, Billy, right on my shoulder. Seven. Whoa. Just barely made it. These are fucking thorny, Billy. What the fuck, dude? Yeah, that's iron cherry. Iron cherry. They only grow once every like 10 years. Should I take damage? It'd be pretty fucking. Yeah, you can take damage. Yeah, if you want that to be your seven and nine. Yeah, I want to push through but take damage. Okay, D6, yeah. Yeah. I'm pretty cut up. One. Jesus Christ. But I'm pretty cut up. Oh, yeah, definitely.

It stings a lot. It's like cat scratches. Yeah. You got some of those like berry. You got some of the cherry juice in your cuts. Yeah. It's not comfortable. Fucking stinging nettles. Piece of shit. Fucking nature ass. Corning horny bush. And you're hacking away. Ving, the experienced trailblazer and Forrester behind you. It's like walks around. It takes, I don't know. 20 minutes. 30 minutes of walking. Yeah. To get to the plateau, the terrace, basically, where these blueberries grow.

It looks like the halflings long ago. Like you see mountainside, mountainside terrace. Like it was cleared out, leveled out, and then blueberries were foraged from the wild and grown up. It's kind of like a single like rice paddy field kind of thing. Yeah. But it's just blueberries up there. Exactly. It's really nice up here. It's really nice. It's great. Yeah. There's a little sign. There's a little sign that says like blueberries. And then there's a other sign that says no Billy allowed. Whoa.

No Billy. Billy can't read anyway. Not even any other Billy. Sorry. It is crossed out. And to clarify, it says fat Billy allowed. No fat Billy allowed. It crossed out. They could have just added fat, but they crossed out. They crossed out Billy and then wrote fat Billy next to it. And you see these rows of blueberry bushes. It's fat with berries. Oh, yeah. I absolutely take whatever can fit in my arms. And you start picking and you hear, all right, quick, grab them. Grab as many as you can.

Who's that? We got to get back. To certain realities. TD6 plus wisdom. I got 12. 12. Whoa. Holy shit. What should I be on the lookout for? Quickly, you know, ducking out of the way into a blueberry bush, you see two adult halflings, a man and a woman wearing burlap. Burlap. They're like nabards. Like they've got burlap potato sacks over their torsos with like the sides cut. And then they have like belts around them. And they have orange pumpkins painted on the front. Oh, what?

And they're shoving blueberries into bags. Quick. Got to clear them out. Uh-oh. They're so short. And duck goes, I think those are, they work for the pumpkin king. I think so. Should we stop them? Or follow them? They're stripping the bushes. Like you can see, you can see they're just, they're fucking. Cleaning them out. Hey, they're cleaning it out for all the, what about all the people who are in the village who aren't part of the pumpkin king? That's against the rules.

You're supposed to leave half at all times. It's time I let out my anger fists. Why don't we try anger words first? Fine. Fine. You get two more questions if you want to, but you can hold on to them as well. What here is useful or valuable to me? You see the post that the gondola is attached to. And you see the bucket against the post of the gondola. The gondola is at the top. Okay. Oh, nice. It is the size of a mop bucket, but it's here. What's about to happen?

They are stripping the bushes very quickly. Just like handfuls, not being thoughtful about the bushes at all. They're just ripping the berries off, taking branches with them. Oh my God. They're destroying the patch. And just shoving them into sacks. And they are getting very close to tuck. So they're going to tuck is. Already bigger than most of the bushes here. It's only a matter of time before they see you. Yeah.

He's put a pine cone in front of his face, but for the moment, a human bite out of it for the moment you have the, you have the jump on them. I want to shoot first. So what are you doing? I, uh, do we have like a net or anything like that? No, definitely not. No, I guess I just have my fists on me. I mean, you have weapons. If you choose, like, you have a gun. You have a gun. You have a gun. You have a gun. You have a gun. You have throwing knives and shit.

Well, I want, I punch one of them in the back of the head first. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, so you're, are you trying to sneak up on them or are you just rushing out? Um, I sneak up on them. Okay. So it's good. That's going to be defy danger dexterity first. Okay. Before you hack and slash. Come on. Oh, don't worry. 11. Okay. Billy is a leaf on the wind. Yeah. You push to Bush. And then I say, what the, what are you doing? I punched one of them in the back of the head. I can slash two D six plus strength.

Okay. Seven. Okay. So on a seven to nine, you deal your damage and they deal their damage. Okay. Two. Two. Yep. And, uh, yeah, roll a D six. Four. Four. So you sneak up on this halfling, the, the young man and you, what are you doing? And you pop them in the back of the head and he goes, what? And he spins around with his bag and just whaps you with a full bag of blueberries. All right. So you're like, oh, I'm going to get this. It's got branches. It's got branches. Yeah.

All the sticks kind of cut as they swing it at you and you take four damage. Wow. Rude. Rude. Both of the halflings now turn and see Billy and they go, ah, I want to jump out and grab both their bags or one of the banks, the ladies bag. Yeah, totally. A two D six plus dexterity. 10. 10. Yeah. You, you snatched the bag right out of her hands. Give me that. Drop that. Give me that bag. What are you doing with all these blueberries? These are property at Jack of the lantern.

Property of the jack of the lantern. Property of the jack of the lantern. Property of the pumpkin cake. Give me the bag. And tuck has smeared his face with mud and blueberry juice and blueberry juice and he, and his cuts are bleeding a lot. And then he like, he raises out of the bush that he's in and he's like, Jack of the lantern has something coming for him. I am hog Lord. Billy also screams. He's telling me to go. He's terrified.

He's put two sticks in his, in his mouth where the tusks would be. Yeah. Two D six plus charisma. And he taped his nose. Uh, scotch tape taped to the back of his head. It's insane. He looks insane. He took a piece of like leather strap and he taped it around his head. Oink, oink little halflings. Eight. Eight. Eight. Eight. Okay.

The one that Ving yanks the bag out of the hands of the girl hits the mud and just splats and then like picks herself up and sees the hog Lord and screams darts off into the trees. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I want to go after her. Okay. Yeah. Defy danger dexterity. Eight. Yeah. You catch up. What do you do? I jump on her and try to pin her down. Fuck. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure. Oh, 10. Okay. Yes. That's sick. Yes. Billy just pop, pop, pop, pop, slam into the dirt. My full body weight, which is a lot bitch.

I shouldn't have said that. I'm so sorry. So sorry, ma'am. And then from the blueberry Bush where you hear tucking Vingo. Whoa. Okay. I'm sorry, lady. That's better. It's she's going, what are you doing here? Can't get in the way. And there's still the other halfling that hit Billy with the bag of berries. I want to grab his bag of blueberries. Six plus dexterity. Nine. Nice. Yeah. I'll help by freaking him out. Okay. Where are they? Where are the blueberries? What are you? Nine. Nice.

So that makes it a 10. Okay. You get the bet. He sees the bag. He sees the bag. He sees the bag. He sees the bag. He sees the bag. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife.

There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife. There's a guy with a knife.

And Billy yells like what are you doing I can't hold her for much longer Oh shit and then Tuck runs over And grabs the other half You're able to pick her up with Billy's help Okay I carry her back What are you doing with the guy Hey hey put it down put it down it's okay You're safe look watch watch He comes back he takes the leather strap off And Tuck's nose boinks back down It's just a big dude Oh you're just some guy Yeah Ah bad You guys are pretty freaked out About these pigs huh Wouldn't you be just a roiling sea Of pink beige flesh Tearing through the fields Your families tended for decades Where's wild Bill Isn't he supposed to take care of the pigs No one's seen wild Bill in weeks What He went off to face Razortusk Oh no Who is this pumpkin lord You're all serving The only one that had the Stomach Dones The only one that had the cones To step up And take what was necessary To protect the people of the Everwood Valley Jack of the lantern The pumpkin king You hear him from like way over there Jack of the lantern pumpkin king Wait Jack the candlestick guy What do you know of the pumpkin king Jack Wick the candlestick man Sounds like you've been away for a long time Little boy Well isn't that what he did In the before days Before the hogpocalypse perhaps How long's he been this like Jack of the lantern It's been days Like a week Yeah like seven days Like a week Actually eight days Just over a week And the Everwood Valley's never been safer Why are you hoarding food for the king Food means security Food means control The food that we take We can distribute as we see fit And it's not misused by those Who don't see the pumpkin king's ways Or consumed by the rampant hogs Who doesn't see it in the same way Hmm that's a good question Is there a faction of halflings That are like down with the pumpkin king I mean it's mostly like family drama Right Like family feuds Should I Spout Lore Alright Billy is gonna go back Into his memory of the before times Eight Eight okay so interesting but not useful Okay You're trying to think about like which family Might have been like fuck this guy Yeah like who does Jack wick not like Cause the thing with family feuds Like blood feuds is they're always stupid Yeah they're always stupid Like no one remembers why they hate each other They just do Oh yeah maybe one of their daughters or sons got rejected by the other one Yeah Pumpernickel Bill's daughter Got rejected by Jack The Pumpernickel family Yes And the pumpkin king family The pumpkins and the Pumpernickels Right we already did pump Yeah That's why it's funny The Vanderpumps They're called Vanderpumpernickels Oh maybe Okay maybe it was like a thing where Jack was like a lowly candle maker And he fell in love with the With the daughter of the family who ran all of the fairies that went around And they're pretty wealthy And like they were sort of betrothed Like they weren't betrothed to Jack But they kind of fell in love with each other Maybe they did a halfling ceremony that betrothed them In the eyes of the Everwood Yeah But then the big daddy fairy man Said no no no And he banished Jack Which is kind of the worst thing for a halfling Oh it's embarrassing Yeah And you lose all your land too You have to go establish a new land Or farm And because they're so insular and untrusting of other People from other countries From other communities Jack just wandered the waste And then And everyone could see him wandering the waste Because you see this little light bobbing through the dark woods at night Yeah And then when the hogs returned He took over He used the brutality he learned in the waste He burned a bunch of the fairies Whoa Intrigue There was wax there I do like the idea that he just became an arsonist Yeah No he was always an arsonist What if the fairy family No it's dude I was gonna say the dinghies Oh I like that Yeah The dinghies So the dinghies Yeah he's like but the dinghies They've never seen Jack's way They've never seen Jack's status quo And they're out there They're out there plying the waters in the canals Attempting to undercut his rule Attacking his food shipments I see what's happening So Jack Wick takes this as an opportunity And then he wants to be He wants to take like Dan Dillard's life Dinghies To spot as like what The richest halfling in all the land The Pumpkin King's ways are not for the layman to understand Yeah the Pumpkin King knows that money means nothing When food is king You know what I mean like Food is always king Yeah I feel like Food is king We might have actually Maybe we talked about at some point That the halflings don't even really have Currency So this is their currency Yeah Great But I do like the idea that they're like We could not deign to know Jack of the lantern's ways But yes basically that is what's happening But you more or less nailed it I thought so yeah Finally Jack gets his revenge You know Jack's been walking around For years talking about getting revenge And now is the time He was not secret about it at all He would wander the waste and scream I'll get revenge one day He even took out ads in the local paper Just a full page spread Just a picture of his A drawing of his face That says I'll get revenge Also buy wigs from Wick Yeah Wicks wicks Oh maybe when the hogs came He burned the ships He did Yeah Yeah So no one could get away Yeah So everyone's stuck And maybe that's why Wild Bill couldn't help Because he couldn't get across What Bill's just around Standing on the other side of the river like Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Yeah.

So you've got these two halflings whose names are Bert and Berda. You're talking to Bert, who was the one that pulled the knife. And Berda is, I guess, just being held up by Tuck. Yeah. She's stabbing my hand a lot. Yeah. Just over and over. Oh my gosh. Let go. Let go of me. I'm not going to let go. Let go. I might take your knife, though. No. Just pluck it out of her hand. I'm going to take this. This is the easiest adventure we've ever had to do.

It was kind of also similarly easy to get Greg and Brenda to fuck each other. That's true. So it's definitely of equal stakes. Honestly, this is sort of the same thing where we're just like, the Jack-o'-lantern king is in love and heartbroken. Right. Yeah, I guess kind of. Oh, maybe the love of his life has been betrothed to somebody else and he's holding out until the betrothal is broken. That would make sense that he's trying to win her back with this. Yeah. Move. And he's going way too far.

Yeah. You're all speculating a lot up here on this hillside. Bert, is that true? Yeah, that's pretty much it. Okay. I thought so. I thought so. So where Bert, where, or Berda, I get either of you. Stabbing your hand. Where'd you get the other knife? I am always armed. And he goes, Berda, what's the fairy people's family called? What? Where are they? The dinghies? Yeah. Oh yeah. The dinghies. Where are they? Where do they hold up? Why would I tell you?

I feel like we have to coerce them in some way. Oh yeah. You definitely do. You can't just get all the information you want out of these two. Oh, right. Yeah. Right. Hey, we will bring you back to the Jack-o'-lantern and bring some of the blueberries if you grant us audience with your Jack of the Lantern. There we go. Okay. Okay. 2d6 plus charisma. Six. Are you going to help me being scary as fuck? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You just put your nose back up. Yeah.

And I go, and if you don't help us, I'll fucking eat you. And then he's just like, oh, and then he takes Berda and he's like, look, you're the size of my mouth. And then he puts her in there. 2d6 plus bond. 12. Oh my God. All right. So that makes it a seven to nine, which means they need concrete assurance of your offer right now. I hand him a, one of the bags of blueberries. He's back. And they dropped to the ground. Do you let Berda go? Uh, no, I hold onto her until they agree.

She sees the blueberries hit the ground and she starts kicking in your hands. Bert like reaches into the berries and starts eating them. Bert, what are you doing? Look, it's hard right now. Food is food is scarce. It's tightly controlled. I, if you, if you don't tell anybody that we ate these berries, then sure. We'll, we'll help you. We'll, we'll get you audience with the pumpkin King. Okay. Yeah. Bring us in. Okay. Say that we'll help the King somehow. Okay. Yeah.

You can even take credit for us helping. If you want, if it'll help, that would be excellent. You would do that. Yeah. Yeah. You would allow us to say that we brought you to the pumpkin King. Yeah. Okay. Give me three more minutes with these blueberries. Put down Berda and you got a deal. All right. I put her down next to the bag of blueberries. She starts eating them too. I also turned around, ate a bunch of blueberries off the bushes.

And we, the three of us, like three halflings, all have blueberries. We're just like, all right. And, uh, yeah. Three minutes later, you're on the road. We're heading down to like the, yeah. You head back down the trail. They go to the gondola and they turn and they look at tucking Vang and go, oh, well, and they walk over to tucking Vang and they start climbing up. You too. How are we getting across the river then? How deep is the river? Oh yeah. It's probably not that deep. It's so deep.

It's four feet deep. Twice overhead. Yeah. They both go. Oh, four feet deep. We rarely get to the bottom. And if you do, you never come up. No one's ever seen the bottom and lived. Actually, the, the pumpkin Kings men probably control a bridge. There's one bridge that they are like tightly in control of. That makes sense. Don't worry. We'll get you across the cherry bridge. The only remaining operable bridge on this side of the Sunwise. Okay. Thank you. And you start walking down the trail.

And as you get lower out of the mountains. There's a woman. There's a woman. There's a woman. There's a woman. Yeah, exactly. Lord of the Rings music. It's like the halflings riding the ants. Yes. Pink and Tucker just like, dude, this is fucking weird. This is actually pretty cool. I feel like I'm LARPing right now. So we have come here. We've seen the halfling lambs in turmoil. We realized that a warlord has arisen as a result of the hogs ran amok.

Which was a convenient excuse for him to take over. Yeah. So Jack of the Lantern took that as an opportunity to take over Lone Tree Hill. Yeah. Like basically we'll take power over kind of all of the Everwood Valley because the whole valley, all the towns rely on this ferry system. Right. He took the power out of the town. Out of the Dursleys or whatever they're called. The dinghies. The dinghies. Yeah. And he burned their ferries. He burned a lot of them.

And then the few that are still operating are now being manned by like his people. Oh. And they, same with the bridges, which were also supposed to be automatic. So then the question remains, where are the dinghies and what happened to them? Yes. Oh. They're the faction that's been driven underground. Yeah. Yeah. So we're trying to infiltrate his court to figure out what. What happened. And he's doing all of this because he's in love with one of the dinghies. Yeah. That's speculation.

That's speculation. So we do need to confirm that. Yeah. Court did say yes. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty much got it. It's part of the origin story of the faction. Yeah. I'm being hamstrung by the fact that it's funnier for them to just give up the information, but we cannot trivialize the fact that a warlord has taken control of the Everwood Valley. Yeah. And we need to figure out where Wild Bill is because he's one of the ones who could be quelling this uprising of hogs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

He seems to be out in the wind. Mm-hmm. Him and the dinghies. We need to know what the fuck's going on there. Mm-hmm. And also, I do think that that is a good point, that Jack rose to power as a result of the hogs. Yes. Maybe he did something to Wild Bill. That's what I'm thinking. Mm-hmm. Wild Bill always comes back. Yeah. He's the only one powerful enough to swim across the river. Mm-hmm. So there's no way he's stuck. Spout Lore. Does Jack have any ties with Wild Bill? Sorry.

I just imagined Wild Bill as having fucking massive. Oh, yeah. He's like half dwarf. Half arm. Maybe. I was thinking that, yeah, there's some dwarf crossover here. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Pretty sweet. Okay. So you carry on out of the mountain with Bert and Bertha. Yeah. And I think this is maybe the conversation that we had as we were walking down the mountain path. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. And Bertie and Bertha are like, no. No. Like, really trying to play it. Like, you don't know anything.

You think you know everything about the Everwood Valley and the Pumpkin King, but you don't. Yeah. And I turn to Bert and I'm like, Bert, you know what all it takes for evil men to triumph is for good men to do nothing. That's what Wild Bill always said. That is what Wild Bill. What am I quoting? I think. I don't know. This is a very good quote, though. It's like Churchill or something. I think so. Yeah, yeah. I thought it was the Dark Knight. I think it's also in the- I think both.

I think Harvey Dent does say that in the Dark Knight. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Great and you enter the valley Well and truly Come down from the mountains And as you're like walking down this path Which Tuck and Ving you would know Is very narrow This is definitely a halfling path You're like fucking ow I'm stepping on rocks And it's tight in here And you come into the valley And the ground is getting muddier And looser And it's just sludge Once you get to the base of the valley itself You can feel in your feet In the movement like the flood waters That are still saturating the ground here Bert how has you been navigating In all this muck Slowly There's a long trek ahead of us Like I said we're going to go to the bridge We're going to go to Cherry Bridge There it is Must be so nice being so tall And such long legs I know that's what I've been telling them All this time They don't even consider the fact that it's so easy for them.

No, it's so hard to go on walks with them. Privilege is what it is. All the halflings have moved into a single Bjorn that is on my chest and they're having this conversation while they're hanging on my chest. It's like height privilege. It really is. Thank you. Take a second. That's so funny. And you get to Cherry Bridge. It is a very basic bridge. It crosses the river, which is, you were saying it's about as wide as like the Fraser in Vancouver. It took centuries to build all this.

It's really wide. Yeah, it's like 40, 50 feet wide. And you said when it's ripping, it's ripping. Yeah, I think it's ripping right now. Yeah, the waters are ripping for sure. And the bridge crosses the whole thing. It's about a 50, 60 foot wide or long bridge, maybe 20 feet wide. It is arched a bit. Yeah. Totally. It's like wood and stone sort of. Yeah. Tuck's like, holy fuck. Halflings built this? Yes. Generations. I helped build this with old Bill and older Bill and skinny Bill.

And Berta's like, you helped build this? This bridge was completed 200 years ago. And you hear, halt. We stop. Who goes there? There's halflings at the foot of the bridge on this side of the river. There's small. There's small crates and little halfling carts piled up in the front of the bridge. Oh, yeah. Bert, do your thing. Right. And he slides down out of the Bjorn and approaches the guards who are wearing similar pumpkin tabards with burlap. But they have like little spears and little.

Oh, they have pitchforks. They have little tiny pitchforks. Oh, wow. And Bertie approaches, says, all right, lower your weapons. Let us through. Let us through. These three come at my request and wish to speak to the pumpkin. King. He doesn't know what he's taking responsibility for. You're notoriously not to be taken responsibility of. And they like mutter amongst themselves. If this is some sort of ruse, Bertamund, on your head be it. We bring you blueberries in payment as well.

And they all rush forward and they look at the berries and go, they're real. They're good. And Tuck's like, I brought this. Pine cone. And there's another bite out of it. You took another bite out of it? Try it again on the walk. I tried it again. I thought maybe I was wrong about it. It has the word cone in it. You would think. And they start pushing crates and carts aside, making way for you across Cherry Bridge. Across the bridge? Billy had hid behind Berda just in case. Oh, yeah.

So you wouldn't be recognized? Sick. Very smart. So as you're like crossing, you're like. Nothing to see here. And as you cross this bridge. Billy, this is a great bridge. Yeah. So sturdy. Thank you. You did a great job. Yeah. What I did was that pillar. And it's just a stump. That Billy like cemented into the bridge a long time ago. It's like stuck there with fairy magic. Oh, yeah. They've tried to move the stump a million times and then just went, it doesn't move.

It's just in the fucking middle. Yeah. It sucks. It is load bearing. Yeah. To go around. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. To go around the stump. It would be a way more functional bridge. If it weren't there. If it wasn't there. And they were like, Billy, it's supposed to, like long ago, they were like, Billy, it's supposed to go there. And I was like, sorry, it's, that's where it is. It sucks. I can't do anything about it. Forever now. I tried to move it, but it doesn't want to move. Yeah.

It was supposed to be a commercial bridge, but it's definitely just for pedestrians. Accidentally pedestrianized cherry bridge. And as you're crossing this bridge, which you are Ving. And Tuck, having seen a bit of halfling construction are kind of surprised by the sturdiness of you're like, we're massive. And this thing is holding our weight. No problem. It's, I feel like the way that they build things is like, they just like find the perfect piece of wood that would go in here.

What is that called? Joinery. Yeah. It's nonstop joinery all the way through. And then this stump. And then this stump. And you feel underneath your feet, the rushing rivers of the Sunwise. As it courses away to the South, into the Everwood and back up to the North. And this almost like electric feeling of crossing this barrier is what signals your passage into the Valley itself and the current land of the hogs.

One of the guards on the bridge is like, welcome to the hog lands and may God have mercy on your soul. Welcome to the hog lands. God be with you. Welcome to the hog lands traveler. And may God be with you. Godspeed traveler. You're in hog apocalypse now. You're in hog territory. And it's just like a very dismal scene. Like there's mud, there's torn up cornfields. There's like destroyed farmhouses in the distance. Tuck's like, whoa, it looks like a music festival happened here. This sucks.

Yeah, it does look a lot like mudlark. It does. It looks like the hot dog festival. It does. Oh no. Right. And Bert and Bertie are like looking around very furtively. Like they're uncomfortable to be outside the walls of. Yeah. Yeah. Keep an eye on your feet. You guys, there could be hogs hiding everywhere. Not anywhere. I mean everywhere. There could be hogs hiding everywhere. Everywhere could be a hog. So what do you do?

You've got like, you've got a couple hours walk until you get to lone tree Hill. I think this is going to be a perilous journey because these are dangerous lands. You probably just won't manage provisions. Yeah. You don't need to do all of them. We just do scout ahead and navigate. So we need one person to scout ahead, one, one to navigate. Billy's got his binoculars. Yeah, I have binoculars. You're scouting. Binoculars. Okay, I'll scout. So that's 2d6 plus wisdom. I will. Whoa. Nice.

I got eight. Okay. So seven to nine on navigate. Choose one from below and get the drop on whatever lies ahead. Discern a beneficial aspect of the terrain. Make a discovery or notice a danger. What's more fun for you? I'm really, maybe my idea doesn't make sense because no, we know the hogs are here. So that's not exciting. I mean, what are you doing? Thank you. What is your face over here? I'm going to say I want a danger. You want a danger? You want a danger? I want a danger.

I actually, the danger was what I was thinking. Okay. So I would like to, what was the option? Notice sign of a nearby danger. I want to notice sign of a nearby danger. Okay. And so you got an eight on navigate. Yeah. Fuck yeah. So we can, with the navigate, we can discover, we can happen upon a discovery missed by the scout. The going is slow. Or you encounter a danger. Okay. We might already stop looking at me like that. I want a danger. Don't say it like that, man. I said we'll get a danger.

Do we mix a danger and a discovery? Cause I know what the danger is. I'm not going to roll for the danger. I already have an idea. I mean, it's up to you. What? Oh, he was for the navigation. Yeah. This is for navigate. Yeah. It's one of these from below. You happen upon a discovery missed by the scout. The going is slow. Or you encounter a danger. Danger. So two dangers. Two dangers. Yeah. Two dangers. We're in a hogpocalypse. Yeah, that's true.

We're in a hogpocalypse and we are walking into a, like a world war Z zombie land scenario. Uh huh. So, oh, maybe you get in the middle of something. Like it's like, it's not even necessarily targeting you. Yeah. Oh, that's so much funnier. Do we move into the trenches of a hog battle? Maybe. I think what I think. Okay. So I think what it is, is we're getting like the river is coursing. You're kind of like the trail that you're taking is taking you into the middle of something. Into farmland.

Like, ah, we got to go through these mud fields. This is terrible. And as you like are walking through these ruined farms, there's like scarecrows, like on posts, like little halfling size scarecrows that are just tilted in the, in the mud. Yeah. And you're walking and you crouch down, you hear noises. Yeah. There's baby corn stalks, like bent in half. Yeah. It's trampled under hoof foot. There's quicksand, but like quick mud, quick mud. And it's like mud. Oh yeah. It's. Bubbling in the field.

Very. And like steam coming out of it, vapor. Oh yeah. There's like hot mud pools. Yeah. Because the hogs have been having diarrhea all over the place. It's diarrhea. Oh my God. It smells so bad. It smells really bad. Because they've been eating so much squash, which is so stinky. Oh yeah. Just raw. Uh huh. Fiber. Too much fiber. So much fiber. And you are walking through and Bert, Bertie and Bert are like, wait, stop. We stop. Don't take another step. We're going to take another step.

And you see like in the field, a bunch of hogs like lift themselves up from the mud. Oh, there's probably fucking 10, 15 of them. Oh God. Oh shit. Just like mud is like sloughing off of them. I mean, they're just pigs, but also that's a lot of them. Yeah. That's a lot of pigs. It's all the hatred in their eyes. And they're all racist. You can tell. And look at us. So many races standing before them. Halflings really feel targeted by these pigs. The pigs are.

Jessica said, look how many races are standing in front of them. The pigs are racist. We're a fucking buffet to them. They can be so racist towards us. Oh my God. We're the most diverse thing for a hundred miles in every direction. I've never seen this many in one place. They're going to choose their favorite race for last. Like they're only standing still because they're, they're just overwhelmed. They're overwhelmed by how many slurs they could throw at us.

And as, as the lead hog, the biggest one with like, you know, when they get so fat that there's like the roll on the back of their head that like connects with their back. So it's kind of like a big roll. Yeah. Starts like turning around, waddling, like sniffing the air. All of the scarecrows in the field start screaming. What? And they jump down off the poles onto the hogs. Whoa. And start like trying to lash them around like the necks. Whoa.

They've got woven cords and a hat flies off of one and there's little halfling hair underneath. And they're trying to like wrangle these hogs. Oh my gosh. Holy shit. And then there's fucking pig demonium as these pigs start flipping out and scattering. And this is the true danger is fucking pigs are running all over the place now in a panic. What do you do? I fight the pigs. Yeah. Trying to help wrangle these pigs. Yeah. All right. These halflings seem honorable. I want to help them.

This has become like a wild horse wrangling session. Yeah. So how do you try and help these halflings? I mean, Bing's got his harpoon and rope. Yep. So I want to lasso a pig. Yeah, totally. And drive the harpoon in the ground and anchor them. Fucking sick. Defy danger, dexterity. First, I would like to roll fight with honor. Oh, no. Seems like we're getting into a fight. Yeah. Yeah, totally. Yep. Okay. So I'll roll plus con to get some chi. Oh, I got three. Holy fuck, dude. Oh, man.

I bet you wish you just rolled that defy danger to start with. On a miss, I get one hold, but the enemies have to jump on me. Uh-oh. It's like Jaws where a pig comes out from the path right next to us. Just out of the mud. And Doug's like, ah! What's he going to say? Say Jaws. Oh, my gosh. That's a big fellow. Is that going to need a bigger butt? I'm going to need a bigger lasso. I'm going to need a bigger rope. Oh, yeah. There you go. There was the syllable count.

So yeah, Ving, you plant your feet and you bring your fists up to your side. And then pull out a lasso and a cowboy hat. You pull out the lasso, you put on your cowboy hat, and then ba-boom! Mud showers you as a massive pig leaps out of the mud next to you. Oh, my gosh. Okay, but I have one chi. So I'm going to spend that on that one pig. On the pig that's now leaping out of the mud? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll use that chi to try and deal my damage. Yeah. D6. Go ahead. D6. One. Oh, fuck!

So sad. Yeah, there you go. So how do you deal your one damage to this hog, which definitely has a hog's worth of armor? I mean, yeah, I just don't have much time. That makes sense. He leaps out. So I try to put my shoulder into his belly to try and flip him end over end. Yeah, totally. And the sheer… The sheer weight of this hog drives you down into the mud underneath it. Oh, shit. Wow. And your arms and legs just flick underneath this pig. Oh, God.

And Ving is driven into the mud by this massive hog. Ving! It's killing him! This became real so fast for Doug. And Billy feels… These aren't just pigs. Billy's alarmed but also smug because he's like, I told them it wasn't just pigs. Yeah. This is a real pig. This is a real pig. This is a real pig. I told you so. So many. A fucking 250 pound pig just crushed Ving. And there's 15 of them and a bunch of scarecrows just came to life. Doug is having an awful day. This is fucked up, dude.

Your face is covered in delicious blueberry juice. Yeah. Yeah, that's the best thing about today for sure. I'm going to try and like get this hog off of Ving. Yeah. So I'm going to grab it by the back of its neck. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Up so you're gonna have to roll a defy danger to get a hold on it first yeah okay what was the plus it's if you're just gonna take some grab it really hard strength yeah it's straight it would be straight hand strength yeah yeah totally huge pig yeah yeah that's 13 nice fuck yeah okay with it well honestly with the 13 I think you can free ving from the pig you just grab it okay throw it at the other pigs oh yeah yeah I do want to lift it over my head okay well you've talked me into another defy danger strength this pig is really big eight okay yeah yeah yeah emerges just covered in mud pulling it out of his mouth I'm so sorry I'll never do it again and Tuck's got this massive pig over his head oh my muscles are popping so many abs coming out and you feel things like oh that's what he means about shit shapes shapes and you feel something in your back tweak that's funny because I felt something in my front tweak I think you just like either either you're gonna take some damage from pulling your back or you're gonna drop this pig I'm gonna take some damage okay roll a d6 this is your armor is not gonna get you through this Tuck's in full like proud stepdad mode where he's just like I'm fine fine!

You're just shaking your arms are just quivering with a huge pig over your head and you've got a chance to throw it before anything else happens yeah I want to throw it at another pig I guess volley yeah 2d6 plus pig okay plus pig plus pig plus dexterity throw this racist at another racist yeah you fucking bigoted pig you six I'll aid yeah how do you aid I stand up and like jump out of the mud now that I'm free from the mud and jump up and give a heave hoy as he's the pig yeah as he's throwing all right 2d6 plus bond okay I got eight great so with a volley take what you can get so you roll your damage minus a d6 or you put yourself in danger I'll take what I can get okay so you roll your damage okay for the pigs which is a d10 so that's one oh no all right then you roll a d6 and you subtract it one wow so perfect yeah so you and ving just heave this pig into the air and it gracefully arcs rolling like a like a hot dog on a 7-eleven warming track it's like straight out its face blank and it slams into the mud on its feet and it starts just walking it just leaves I've been gifted a second chance oh is that a root over there right you can all hear these pigs because ving's here oh yeah oh so we can hear all the racist shit they're saying I'm not saying any of that stuff whatever is in your head listener that's what they're saying that's right listener this is on you yeah uh okay billy are you still in the yeah I'm trying to wiggle free but I'm kind of scared too billy's like be brave there's a sea of pigs and birdie and burda are gripping onto the bjorn um I um I'm wiggling out to unleash the fanny pack yeah what sorry paul just sat under his breath a bay of pigs which is so good that's so fucking funny so uh okay so billy's trying to undo the fanny pack he's trying to undo the fanny pack and he's saying victor where are you we need you right now oh good boy oh yeah oh how do we okay what is so what is the role here because victor is definitely like oh chomping at the bit um could I wealth and taste wealth and taste to like try and tempt victor out of the bag with a bunch of pigs yeah I'm like victor marvel you just take your marble drawer and go clang clang yeah I like how a pig I see like I'm eating all the pigs would definitely draw a wolf a mystical wolf from the north he's dumb though and he's like I know what I it's his most valuable possession yeah totally yeah that's what it is so I make a show of flashing my own most valuable possession which is my marbles um so yeah I wiggle them at the entrance of the of the tent and I just hear like paws padding yeah all right 2d6 plus charisma 10 plus 2 is 12 jesus christ yes so you like you wiggle the jar in front of the fanny pack and you hear the pat like the loping run of victor he's just like open it up yeah open the fanny pack and a wolf yeah it explodes from the fanny pack I will go to the all day breakfast slams into the victor you gotta herd the pigs out of here oh get as many pigs as you can you know what would really hurt the pigs what if I killed them I mean do what you gotta do victor what would give me more marble hard or hurt I mean hurt they're racist I keep pushing the fact that these pigs are racist so that our audience does not get upset about a slaughtering racism is the trait of the traitorous coward of the pathetic coward so victor's not the magic bullet here the the pigs are still a concern but victor is now soaring his own brand of discord right through the pigs in which a fucking eight foot long almost invisible wolf yeah is ripping through these pigs yeah yeah so victor starts chasing a bunch of pigs and they fucking take off and there's so much squealing there's squealing and the squealing is the most squealing of course we can hear is them going and there are a bunch of scarecrows that are starting to tie off a couple of the pigs and like lash them together into like pig rafts oh cool there's one of the scarecrows has like three hogs tied together and they're riding it like it's a fucking jet ski wow hog power but there's still a number of pigs to deal with uh thing what do you do oh I'm gonna use uh call of nature oh and call upon the uh aid of a spirit choose an element mud yep to uh wrangle these pigs I'm gonna make a giant hog on a mud see how they like it oh sick and he's racist against pigs a self-hating mud pig yes nice I got six plus wisdom I got eight eight so that gives you what one uh seven to nine I create a physical form for the spirit to inhabit and get rid of the pig and I'm gonna make a giant hog on a mud pig game one request okay while you have the hold the spirit will attempt to aid you to the best of its ability yeah when you roll for the pig to help you for the spirit to help you you roll plus your request ten plus it succeeds seven to nine it succeeds but you lose one request but how does this does this just look like a big ass pig man out of mud yeah it forms up like on all around the pigs and uh it squeals there's just a big mud pig yeah yeah yeah then he said there's a new pig mama in town there's a new pig mama in town what do you require of me summoner I require you to get these pigs out of here all right and boom boom turns on its huge pig mud hooves can it banish the pigs it might yeah it might well do we'll see what happens with this roll so 2d6 plus one for the remaining request I got three snake eyes plus one never mind well I was a masterful fail oh boy holy shit that's a big fail that's it that's the first time I used that move yeah well you know I rolled too fast you saw that yeah yeah you rolled too fast I rolled too fast it blew my lewd rolled too fast it blew my lewd so the pigs couldn't do the thing that I wanted it to do so the the thing with the move is that like you lose the request and they and it doesn't succeed oh so it's like it doesn't do the thing that you need to do and it doesn't succeed and it doesn't and you still lose the point that you had oh god this move is bad actually the way that I made it kind of sucks I will do that yeah maybe it just falls on all the mud pigs and then that's it yeah don't worry summoner I will do this thing you asked of me and it just reaches it rears up on its hind hooves holy shit towering above you a mountain of mud and then just a tidal wave of mud falls down on everyone slam slam slam boom and you feel your your control over this earthly form you created for the spirit fritter away like your lash on it just effervescently disappears as you are cloaked in mud this is like saving private ryan like it's all quiet for a second shaky cam smoke everywhere we started getting our hearing back with a ringing yeah ving ving you gotta get up sir what do we do now they're coming back around we're gonna babysit this bridge so I think what it is is it is that like the halflings like a bunch of their hats their little scarecrow hats got knocked off and they're like wiping mud out of their eyes when it's like rock and roll and they're like oh my god I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck arcing around to return for a final charge.

You know the thing about a pig is he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Dog's eyes. Jesus Christ. When it comes out she doesn't seem to be living. Until it bites him. Is that from Saving Private? It's from Jaws. It's from Jaws. And I think that's where we're going to end. I actually hate that I did that. So I'm going to pull it out. It's so fucking funny. It's so funny. I can just start my outro and you can cut it in or out as you see fit. How about… What if Victor says that? Yeah.

Victor comes loping back. It's when they come at you with dead eyes. Like a doll's eyes. I think that's where we're going to end it for this week. I'm your Game Master Sean O'Hara. Joining me is always playing Tacoma Dome the Barbarian Abdulaziz. Fourteen hundred men went into the water. Three hundred men came out. USS Indianapolis. Playing Bing the Half-Elf Druid Paul Hoppers. This is such a bad riff. It's killing the outro. It's so bad. This reference does not work.

It almost makes it better, honestly. Take care, everyone. Dang it. I was Googling quotes as fast as I could. And playing Fat Billy the Halfling Thief Jessica Tai. Why do I deserve to go? Why not any of these guys? They all fought just as hard. What quote is this? From Saving Private Ryan. That's her face. Saving Private Ryan. Oh my God. Thank you to Aaron Reid who would never do this to me for our intro and outro music.

If you want to find all of Aaron's original music, you can find that at aaronreid.bandcamp.com. Jessica found another quote. Let's hear it. Tell her that when you found me, I was here and I was with the only brothers I have left and that there's no way I was going to desert them. That's a thing one of the other halflings, one of the scarecrow halflings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like lying in the mud. Trey, we got to get out of here. I'm not going. The other guy's like, my liver. Oh no.

If you want to find all Aaron Reid's original music just before you watch Saving Private Ryan, you can find it at aaronreid.bandcamp.com and if you want to listen to all of the music Aaron has produced for the show written by Abdul and myself, you can find that at soundcloud.com. Thank you to all of our supporters around the world. You can look forward to our Saving Private Ryan watch podcast later tonight.

If you want us to support the show and get access to a bunch of bonus content and fund my Tom Hanks filmography watch podcast, you can find us at patreon.com. Slash speltlord or speltlord.com slash money please. And finally, and most of all, thank you to all of you for listening. We'll see you next time.

Someday we might look back on this and decide that saving pigs, saving private pigs, private pigs, saving pig Ryan was one decent thing we were able to pull out this whole god awful shit sty of a mess. And then it fades into like a shot of a war cemetery. And there's a flag of the pumpkin king waving. And an elderly Matt Damon is looking at three crosses, two big ones and a little one. And he turns to his wife and says, tell me I've been a good halfling.

So funny that this turned into a war movie. I love that. I told you guys. That's huge. I told you. The pigs are scary. The pigs are intense. You kept saving. It's like saving private Ryan. And so ends the tale of adventures three who tried the best they can. Though dumb and scared and lost they be for time's abreast in revelry. And though our journey may be like a conclusion, we will not leave you without a resolution. Return next week to hear some more whilst you commute or do your chores.

And for you I'd gladly spell war.

Spoutlore is made possible by contributions from our listeners. If you'd like to support us, go to patreon.com slash spoutlore. Gather round, friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes, noble and bold. A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old. You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring. So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing. Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight.

Fingers have health, he shifts his shape, and wields a spear with great might. Peely's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart. Best and brightest they may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts. So gather round, friends, and listen close. For the tale's about to start. This night of druid partying on the beach, they attended a lecture slash presentation slash continental breakfast. It was mostly a continental breakfast. Hosted by their dear friend and wizard, Perel.

To do what he described as restating the stakes. Using a book that unfolded into a 3D and dynamic portrait of the planet. They went through the last couple months of adventures. Restating all of the currently open threads and where those threads were moving. While investigating the book itself and the lands they have not yet become familiar with. Billy discovered curled, blackened and sticky pages in the book. Yeah, last time Billy found sticky pages in a book. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We know the jerk. Love and Luss, page 69. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Fill in the punchline yourselves. Well, guys, come on. This is how I do comedy from now on. Let's have a little fucking decorum here. Instead of just making the audience do their own punchlines. No, these are ours. They're just our… We've downloaded them into our audience's head.

The book then began to fill with white fibrous strands reminiscent of spider webs before Morris tossed the book into the fire. Dathaniel arrived during the presentation to explain that he had a memory come to him unbidden of the Gibbous Man's intentions. And while he couldn't be sure of his exact plan, he was certain that the Gibbous Man needed the war in the southern principalities to succeed.

And if you wanted to, as it were, spit in the face of the Gibbous Man, stopping the princeps of the firefields would be a good place to start. During this recollection of the Gibbous Man's events, he was overtaken momentarily with the aspect of the Gibbous Man, presenting a black eye and a blue eye, before regaining control but being furious with himself for having let it slip for even a moment. Ving and his father went quote-unquote outside to the baseball diamond within the fanny pack.

A real Field of Dreams and a Field of Dreams style. We basically played catch with our memories. The chamberlain ring was used to commune with the whispers of Dathaniel's own mind. Ving, upon failing that role, entered Dathaniel's mind, or so he thought, and was faced with the aspect of his father, controlled by the Gibbous Man, who let Ving know he's in his head. You fell for his trick, you'll fall for another one. He's got ya. The dad's got me? The Gibbous Man's got ya.

God, there he goes again! He's tricking ya, tricking ya right now. After the vision, Dathaniel decided he couldn't stay here. He wasn't safe. So he packed up his shit, and he left. And after some let's say awkward comforting of Ving, Morris and Perel asked the party, what's going on? What are we doing? And then had a sudden flash of genius that if the firefields are invading the High Spear and the Gibbous Man is like hell yeah, they might be going for the High Spear itself.

A remnant wizard tower from the Golden Age, that projects a magical translation field over the planet, allowing everyone to communicate. The party then realized that they've all been speaking different languages to each other this whole time. And resolved to drop Morris and Perel off at the High Spear to attempt to bend its power to their own devices. And that idea led to another idea. To fuck each other right then and there. Oh yeah. Because they're geniuses.

They get so hot and heavy because how smart they are. Exactly. And part two was the party will go to Black Glass and attempt to sign on as mercenaries with the war effort and sow their own discord and gather their own information. That is where we find our heroes now. So we're packing up to leave? Yeah, I guess. Do we just see you on somebody's riding Gale's back? I think that's pretty, yeah, I think that'd be funny. Unless there's anything else that anyone wants to do in Hibernia?

I think Morris and Perel were so horned up on their idea. We all wanted to get out. That we all wanted to get out of the fanny pack for a bit because there was so much crashing all over the place. There were so many rooms and they were using so many of them. It was the thing where they were kissing and smashing into things and every time we'd go into a different room they would crash through the paper wall. They're in the Gossip Girls tunnels. Yes. Guys, don't fuck in the tunnels.

The tunnels are for everybody. They're not soundproof at all. No. That's the point. Yeah, they're created to transmit sound. Who made these to look in? They keep busting through. Every time we would go to a different room they'd bust through the paint. Flesh come through the eyes of a painting. Just like butt cheeks. Butt cheeks coming out of the eyes of a painting. Is that? Oh my lord. Is that painting winking at me? It was a thing where we were like we gotta get Billy out of here right now.

So we cut to the three of you on Gail's back going just like Oh god. Yeah, we look harrowed. Oh yeah. Not yucking their yum. We're just yucking that we know them to. We're yucking our. Yucking their bum. Yeah, thank you. You're yucking them specifically. That's fine. Yeah. Yeah, it's not okay to just fuck in front of your guests. No. Okay, so was there? Anything that you that anyone wanted to do on Hibernia before we left? No, no, I don't think so. I also think that we've overstayed our welcome.

Yeah, that's what the vibe you get is like the young druids that were partying with you were like bye, but then the older druids have their arms crossed and they're like get the fuck out of here. I stole their smoked fish. You know how they would have him out on like the the forks on the sticks. Yeah, I would take a whole thing. Yeah, pretty. Amazing. Okay, then yeah, we see Gail take off into the sky directly engulfed in the gray.

We see angry druids glaring after you casting ancient signs with their hands of banishment and fucking off back. Billy's got like a bunch of fish on a stick. Yeah, sorry, but not sorry enough to give the fish back. Okay, so then we're going to High Spear. Yes, that's the plan. Yeah, do we perilous wilds to see what we see on the way? Absolutely. Okay, I like that. We bust out of the top of the grain. It's like we went to a matinee. We're like, oh my God. Jeez, it's so bright up here.

Just instantly sunburned. Yeah. Oh, we didn't put cream on you. My creams are in the wall. He's dead. Creams in the wall. Blah, blah, blah. There's creams in the wall for sure. Okay, as with perilous wild, as we all know, there are three moves. Manage provisions, navigate, and scout ahead. Who's doing what? I could do provisions because I have the fish stick. Right, that makes sense. I'll scout ahead because I have light sight and we're into the bright of the day. Perfect.

And then what was the other one? Oh, navigate. 2d6 plus intelligence. Navigate. So I'm up front telling Gail where to go, I guess, because I drew the short straw, which means I have to sit at the front where she can talk to me. You're like, over a shoulder. Okay. I got 10. I got 5. I got 7. Okay, so. Sorry, I forgot to roll fairy child. Oh, yeah. There's a new day. Yes, you can. 9. Nice. So that means I get 3 holds. 3 holds.

Okay, and from that, I want to use a fairy child to turn a failed roll into a 7 to 9. You sneaky fuck. Yes, I am. I did not eat all the fish. Billy did eat all the fish, but then he uses one of three potential boons to make them rematerialize. Yeah. Okay, so on a 7 to 9, the party consumes the expected amount of rations. Ving, of course, does not eat or just eats whatever. Tuck probably eats a lot. Yeah. Billy eats a lot.

Ving's doing that thing where he's getting food from the sunlight on his butthole. On the back of Gail. What? You know what I'm saying? The people were doing. You sun your butthole? Yeah, you feed your soul through your butthole. The weird, like, Instagrammers. Yeah. You put your butt to the sun. He's downward dogging on the back of a bird. I, I, that's people are doing this? Oh, yeah. The world sucks. I know.

Also, this is an opportunity to use Billy's changeling move, which we forgot the four seasons. Is Billy going to potentially undergo? Nope. No seasonal change? Not yet. Now is not the time. So he remains in his spring. And as you remain in your spring form, you have a benefit from that. What is your spring form? Right. You may create a convincing illusion without spending a hold. And okay, so what did Ving get for Scout Ahead? Twelve. Twelve. So on a ten plus, choose two from the list below.

You get the drop on whatever lies ahead. You discern a beneficial aspect of the terrain, such as a shortcut shelter or tactical advantage. You make a capital D discovery or note a sign of a capital D danger. I like a discovery. Okay. And then I get a drop on whatever's ahead. Perfect. Because we're coming into war zone. And navigate. I got seven. So the GM chooses one. I'm from the list below, but I'll let you choose because it's usually more fun. Oh, yeah.

You happen on a capital D discovery missed by the Scout. The going is slow or you wander off course or you encounter a capital D danger. Well, only one of those is not bad. One of those is not bad. That's what the GM's supposed to choose, I realize. So yeah, you choose. Okay. Well, let's go ahead and roll this discovery first and see what happens here. Thank you so much for giving me back the power in that scene. I appreciate that. That was a rare handoff. So we leave the gray. We pull out.

We fly. We fly up above and we see the Sea of Graves and the storm because we've talked about how the storm is sort of spread. Yeah. So you see off in the distance the Sea of Graves, the pillars rising out of the ocean, marching off into the distance, the crackling storm that has engulfed these pillars for millennia, some say. And that storm sort of arcs out above the sky and seems to spread across the land.

A surprising amount of the sky around you is storms and Gail for as much as she's like, okay, so it was this play that I saw. It was about a boss who was really mean and it was about a new assistant who was trying to get into the boss's world. You know, what was it called? Is it the Devil Wears Prada? I don't think it's that. Fuck Gail. Tuck, you can see like as she's saying this, you see her eyes on the side of her massive head are like locked. On the storm. Yeah. Paying very close attention.

She's like navigating between like it's like a maze almost. That's exactly what it is. Yeah. She starts navigating between the worst parts of the storm using what appears to be some sort of Thunderbird road network. That makes sense. Where she's taking like wind currents that are passing between the most dangerous parts of the storm. Ion streams. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, I'm not gonna be able to do this forever, but we're safe for now. I hope.

I like the idea that she does her like stream of consciousness like, what is this thing? To kind of like just keep herself calm. Yeah. Yeah, totally. So texture is like answering her questions because he can tell that she's kind of stressed. Yeah. And you know when you faced Thronebreaker for the first time and like parts of the storm looked like they were reaching out like when we were above yesterday? Yes. Yeah. Ving, because you chose you get the drop on whatever lies ahead.

You see in this tunnel network, you're like looking at the storm trying to perceive the spirits and the dangers in this place. You feel a particularly strong sense of maliciousness ahead and you see like like a shark cresting a wave. You see like part of a cloud up ahead ripple and royal and then pull back into itself. Whoa. Throne breakers here.

It does not appear to be Thronebreaker But there's another bird But there's something Discern realities Yeah discern realities Two sticks plus wisdom Do it Nine Oh Eight I'm waving the fog around With my fish stick Try and move the clouds you know Seven Okay so that makes it a ten Three questions off the discern realities list What here is not what it appears to be Okay so you See with your elf eyes The ripple in the clouds again And you think Oh it's gotta be It must be a bird But then you realize that it's not Something moving in the clouds It is the cloud itself What happened here recently?

With the spreading of the storm And the growing of its strength You do see wings And a back and a head Start cresting the cloud And pulling away It almost looks like a physical form Made of the storm cloud Oh There's another spirit walker Huh? Is that what it is? You guys are jumping to crazy conclusions This is the sort of stuff the Ving makes though For real Smoke monsters It's an animal made out of the pure elements Who really is in control here?

Okay so you see this figure resolve Into a powerful facsimile Of a thunderbird Made of storm clouds As its body Like extricates Itself from the cloud Completely You see like talons Of crackling electricity A beak of like Also electricity I realize It should be the same material For the hard parts Yeah It could be hail Hail Yeah Yeah For the eyes Yeah Hail Oh hailstone eyes Yeah Like Uh Fucking Snow Snow For the beak God just turned on me God just turned on me God just turned on me God just turned on me God just turned on me God just turned on me God just turned on me I turned into a 14 year old It's got fucking snow beak But then in the center of It's cloud head Where the bezoar would be Is like Roiling black cloud Whoa Obsidian cloud Oh my god This tuck says that And you're reminded of the vision you had Of Thronebreaker And his obsidian bezoar Oh This seems to be an extension Of his will would be your guess Oh my gosh What if Thronebreaker is a spirit walker too But for the gibbous man What?

Oh nevermind I love that It's an interesting idea That's insane So curious Not something that you would be able to confirm now I withdraw I didn't get enough positive reinforcement I withdraw my idea Tuck rips a bunch of pages out of a notebook he was writing And he throws it up He needs 100% so on board Yeah I'm not feeling supported in this relationship right now No that's a good idea I just can't confirm or deny things That you just can't confirm or deny things that you just can't confirm I'm not sure what I'm going to come up with Until the story reveals them What should I be on the lookout for?

More of them Whoa Multiple Ooh That was a cool line You had that in the can Okay I am looking out for them Yeah so you do Since you have the jump on them Oh yeah You have a moment to decide what you're going to do At this point you are basically just starting to travel over the land Go lower I don't think we should go through this Okay Go below Oh it's Throatbreaker His perceptions and influence travel through the storm now Did I not tell you that?

No No No Alright hold on She pulls her wings in And sharply dives through the clouds Oh the g-force on it is crazy The gale force The gale force That's sick And you grip on hard as she starts just pelting through the clouds That's what she says She says grip on hard Hold on hard Hold on hard Hold on hard Hold me Tuck Hold me I am Gale Hold me tight I am With your thighs And boom she comes out of the bottom of this cloud And you see the vast expanse of the great forest beneath you You see you know Oh there's Heartwood City And you just turn away Oh boy Yeah we hear swords clanging We're like everything is fine there Not a problem Boom You hear Taxes Nice And you look up and you see You see the land You see like the entirety of The principalities That aren't like covered in storm And you look up and you see Falling through the cloud Removing itself from it A large elemental Thunderbird It is pursuing you or attempting to Oh I could roll I could create a convincing illusion Oh you could Fight this one Yes That's fun Can I do that?

Yeah what illusion are you attempting to create? I'm going to create another thunderbird Another Gale To confuse the other one Right That's what I'll do Split off and be like Which one are you chasing?

Uh huh So you don't have to roll Oh I just do it And you don't have to spend a point Right because you're in your spring form Fuck yeah Yeah so how does this look Because now it's basically like It pulls up a little short And it's flapping its huge hurricane wings Uh huh And it's looking back and forth Between the two birds Uh huh Uh huh And it's covered in the two groups of people Yeah How do you utilize this illusion to escape?

So uh I think the illusion's pretty good Yeah it's convincing enough It's got the three of us on the back Yeah And fake Ving's pointing his asshole at him Yeah fake Billy's putting the ass Or So sorry Billy Sorry Language Billy Yeah Fake Ving is Is Shining his booty hole Uh huh And fake Billy is waving his fish stick At the bird as if to like antagonize him Uh huh Yeah I think it's like pretty convincing It's pretty convincing Fake Tuck looks angry at Gale Yeah Could I elemental mastery To create a fog around us To shield us Yeah basically like To hide us And create a Hide us in the mist of the mountain Yeah And then the fake one flies out of it Yeah Yeah to do like you know Car chases where like You're driving the same car And you drive under an overpass Yes And then they follow the wrong car Yeah 100% like that 2d6 plus constitution Nine Nine Oh I'll help How does Tuck help?

Gale is going so fucking fast Like it's quite unstable So he's just holding Ving and Billy So that they don't have to focus on holding on tight Oh yeah nice He's like a cockpit Yeah he's being the seatbelt Nice Yeah But because I'm doing this Ving can focus even harder Excellent Okay Eight Okay That makes it a ten Choose two from the list below The effect you desire comes to pass Avoid paying nature's price Retain control I will Avoid paying Nature's price And the effect you desire comes to pass Okay How do you like move the fog around you?

Yeah so that's that thing We're just like kind of on one gale And then shift shimmer apart into two gales Sick Yeah it's like a mirror Yeah a mirror and it's like copying us Uh huh And we dive down in between two big mountains And there's a big valley of mist Gale punches down Drop down into a cloud We stop Air brakes The illusionary one keeps going Yeah And then we As an aspect of a cloud Gently mist falls down Cascades down the mountain Perfect Yeah beautiful And uh The illusionary bird With the illusionary three On the back Takes off Peels away And you hear Rather than see The crackling storm elemental thunderbird Peel off and follow it And you are surrounded by clouds and mist You see Coming out of the clouds like Rocky mountainsides Trees in valleys We're like drenched in In water Because Oh from the mist and clouds Yeah You're so wet And after a while As you do not retain control You're flying for a while And you're like squinting at all the water That's just like pelting you in the face Gale's like Huh I don't know Where we are What?

Gale what do you mean?

I you know I'm just surrounded by mist And I was trying to like Take some dekes and turns You know Throw them off And then I threw myself Off I don't want to freak anybody out But I think We're lost Can I Spout Lore Or something about like the area we're in Since Like this is around the region Billy's from Yeah totally Yeah I think Gale would be like Alright how about we just Let's just And she starts going a little bit lower Okay And she like Fwoaf Fwoaf Alights on a Almost a miniature forest That's on like a plateau You can see rocks and trees But you're surrounded by mist It's like the mountain trees You know Yeah!

Let's see Spout Lore Using Intelligence Which I have None So eight Okay Not bad So something interesting But not useful About the region that you're in Billy recognizes this as A region Yeah near the Everwood Valley Huh I used to play around here Um Why don't This is close to where Billy's from Why don't you tell me about this region Oh wow I tell you?

Yeah This is outside of the Everwood Valley We're on the other side of the river Like The village is on one side In the center And then There's like The river And we're on the outside On the side of the mountain This is around the area Where the witch lives Oh Oh cool Yeah Oh so we're like close to the Everwood Valley Yes Like this is the witch that lives near Lone Tree Like not Mother Never was No not Mother Never was It's just like a It's just like a witch Who lives Yeah She doesn't do that much Stuff She's She's a crazy lady That lives in the woods Yeah She's like I hate the halflings She's like The evil wizard from the Smurfs Like she's just like She's Gargamel These fucking halflings Yeah Billy this is where you're from?

Yeah Like if you can I mean if The fog wasn't all surrounding us You could see The village from across the river Oh We're that close Tuck is like Okay So Given that The sky Is dangerous Could we maybe use The Sunwise And the And the Wittershins To like Get closer to High Spirit Like use the riverways That's a cool idea I like that That is an interesting idea Gale is like Oh he Yeah that actually Makes a lot of sense Traveling with me Is actually probably A pretty bad idea Considering your enemy Is the god of the sky Huh Also I should be fighting Oh yeah There's a war And my very close friend Cloudpiercer Is in constant danger And I think like Gale is pretty shaken By the elemental birds That chased you And is like I'm really worried Because if something Happens to me And she salutes With her big wing It is in service To the cause But if you three Something happens to you While you're On my back That's it And it's Literally On me Yeah That is a lot of pressure Gale That's it The podcast Is over Finally We're free Jess has been trying To get out of this For seven years She's like I'm free I'm free What if we create A thunderbird That takes us In the middle of a war Then we'll definitely die Finally What we cut out of the podcast Every episode Is Jessica going like And Billy jumps into the lake And Billy rolls Into the fireplace Billy eats the lava What are you doing?

I think this is a great idea Actually cause The sky has proven itself To be unsafe It's unsafe It's safer And plus like We don't want to be noticed By anyone Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah The halflings They would obviously Notice Gale Yeah They would notice Gale And I mean We can assume That the majority Of the halflings Are probably not like Fuck yeah Evil So like Maybe they would Shelter us They could potentially Help you Yeah Maybe Okay Interesting Okay We're back to Overland Adventure Boys Because of course The sky is a threat Yeah And the goal right now Is to get Morris and Perel To High Spirit Right?

Yeah That's where we're targeting Yeah And we know that We're not on as tight A timeline as we thought In terms of the world ending Yeah Because the gibbous man Is like well I have to fucking wait too For the war to finish Or whatever Yeah Yeah Because he is Maybe a bit more Hands tied Yeah Than we initially thought Yes Yeah He's letting things He starts things Or he stirs the pot And lets it Settle Totally Cool Cool It's like Gale You're right You can't come with us anymore I'm so sorry Don't worry And she reaches up a wing And runs it down your face What?

Tuck sneezes Tuck's been allergic To birds this whole time You guys His eyes are so red So puffy He's just That's why he got A partial success On the navigate Because he can barely see Like he's like It's just the fog right?

But it's just His eyes are shut You look And it's swollen shut Like he needs An ATS to be Girl I love being with you But I'd love to see you go I'd love to be able To see you go Just get away from me She yeah And she lets you all down You know Slide down off Gale's back Thank you for your service Thank you Hold up Oh sorry Oh no What?

She sees you moving the fish around I was gonna offer this to you But I couldn't Pause You deserve it Gale I need my strength For the flight back To the war front You do Before she takes off Ving wants to give her His silver gauntlets That he's been hanging on to Forever Here I want to put this on you Put these on you Put them around her Talon One of these is for you And one of them's for Cloudpiercer I will do my best Those are the ones That are made of the moon steel Maybe I should hang on to those Every time we leave You're like I will give my most prized possession Yeah I've been carrying this around For seven seasons And it now belongs to you It's from the temple of the moon goddess You do the thing where Like when the adult child Comes and visits their mom The mom is like Okay And while you're here Like I'm gonna send you back With like another box of your stuff Yeah exactly I don't wanna hold onto Your memories anymore So yeah you clasp these Arm guards around her Her talons Shiny These will be a boon In the fight to come I assume I don't actually know what they are But they're Pretty sick They're from the temple of the moon goddess They're lunar steel Gale I know not what you are talking about When I say they're lunar steel Gale I'm looking at Ving angrily They're lunar steel Gale I forgot I actually forgot They're literally Nothing like that exists in the world Yeah They are one of a kind And priceless Gale And they are impenetrable Which is why I have given you One of those things Ving says And he takes one back He ungives Like totally ungrateful Just takes it right back off That's for you and Cloud Piercer to share Switch back and forth Take turns evenings and weekends I don't care how you split it up And she goes Wow okay One of these Cool She rolls her eyes Alright Well I guess I'll go back To risking my life Like I did to get you here And to get you to Alright whatever We're like Gale It was great It was great to see you again As ever I wish you nothing but luck And success on your journey And you Thank you That's what I was waiting for And now I must away Goodbye Gale Goodbye And she Boom And you're all knocked to the I fall off the cliff It's a short clip Jessica you can't keep killing Billy I love it though I love killing Billy The sonic boom from her wing beats Sends her high off into the sky And as she flies away The camera sees her Majestically batting into the sky As tuck Billy and Ving are hanging off the edge of the cliff Cliffhanger style Waving goodbye Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Alright so here we are In a valley somewhere In a mountain valley on a plateau What do you do?

Oh we're in a new area I would like to use Wild Wanderer Yes Which I believe allows you to ask a question of yourself About the region that you're in Uh okay How do we get to What's the best way to the Wittershins from here?

So the Wittershins You would know Like you consult sort of internally The druidic knowledge that courses through your veins now And you recall The tree's memory of a time before the Wittershins Before the two rivers were knit into one ever flowing As the courses of those rivers changed They left riverbeds behind The rivers that were in the riverbeds That became the Wittershins existed for millennia So this region is sort of crisscrossed With natural paths that lead to The Everwood Valley Dry creek beds Exactly yeah And if you know the signs You can find those creek beds quite easily Great Maybe in especially in this region There's like a particular plant that Flourishes in the sort of Healthy areas that once were the creek beds But what is it?

I do like Skunk cabbage Except the leaves have like that stripe That a skunk has on them Oh yeah We've done skunk cabbages That were alive We've done cabbage skunks Yeah but these are skunk cabbages Yeah yeah yeah Though cabbage skunks do make their homes In skunk cabbage beds They're not terribly dangerous No No they're just stinky Yeah Whereas like these skunk cabbages The food just looks like a skunk tail On the leaves But it is not stinky It is the opposite of stinky It smells It smells good Smells good Like roasted cabbage Yeah Okay So then this sounds like a perilous journey And it sounds like Billy is navigating With his nose Yeah Sweet Sure Follow your nose I'll scout ahead Okay I'm cutting through the marsh with the axe Yeah Nine Okay plus wisdom for scout ahead Eight And Provisions is plus wisdom Wisdom yeah Ten So ten you choose one from the list below For manage provisions Careful manager Reduces the amount of rations consumed Or the party consumes The expected amount And the food is excellent Describe it And everyone who licks their lips Takes plus one forward Nice It's roasted cabbage Yes All the way down Delicious Bull rushed hearts too Young shoots Yum Frog legs Whoa Sorry frogs Sorry Perel I like the idea that after all this time It's like You don't even open the fanny pack You just have Like a campfire Like the old days And just like make dinner outside Yeah Yeah Ving actually learned from Mears Which is cute Yeah Beautiful So yeah I imagine that That Billy sort of helps Everybody get down to Where this creek bed is Before you continue on your way And then you make camp Have a nice little meal So what You say that Skunk cabbage smells good What does it smell like to Billy?

Yeah it smells like roasted Cauliflower roasted cabbage It's like borscht This whole Yeah basically yeah It smells like soup It just smells like soup It just smells like soup It smells so good and crispy Yeah And sweet Yep And so Scout ahead on a seven to nine You choose one from below You get the drop on whatever lies ahead Discern a beneficial aspect of the terrain Make a discovery Or notice sign of a danger Make a discovery Okay Yes And for Billy Oh this is the GM chooses one from the list below Happen on a discovery The going is slow Or you wander off course As Ving Like okay We've had a long day Of riding on this bird And We're drenched to the bone You're drenched to the bone It's still raining kind of Yeah Yeah You make camp next to Like there's a mountain Like a kilometer away Like the side of a mountain But in there is like a Small Pond lake That is gathered from different water sources And there are reeds And water Grasses Sort of wringing it And who's Who's wandering the pond In this like restful moment I can wander And as you are like looking You're like oh man I thought we were really gonna get to High Spear I thought this was gonna be I thought I was gonna be in a mall Today And now I'm here You are looking at like These big huge water rushes That are coming up out of the Out of the lake And as you get close You see that like One of them is Moving Yeah Like a clump of rushes Is moving around Okay And as you As you get You like lean in You see a big long Beak About A Three feet Like a three foot long Beak That initially looked like a rush Poke up And the rushes Move aside And form into like The wings of a heron That is about as tall as you Oh fuck But looks to be a collection of rushes And it starts to like Lower its leg that it had hidden up in its body And starts stepping out of the lake towards you And then Tuck He's transfixed by it And then Tuck He's transfixed by it Where he's just like He raises a hand To be like Hello Are you friendly?

That's reasonable Yeah Cause he like Tuck's bushcraft is not good Like He's It's like Billy and Ving Are like the outdoorsy types And like Tuck Well more Ving And Billy's more kind of like Inside of a drawer Yeah like the backyard kid Yeah But like Tuck has like learned That his instinct To just kill whatever it is Usually leaves him To like more problems So he's like doing what Ving told him to do When like wild animals approach Which is to approach them with openness So he goes I am quite insecure sometimes Hello Sometimes when people don't Immediately like my ideas I just throw them away I see it He says that He says I see it as a personal attack Okay I have a quick question Ving's new movie They're targeting me when they say When they don't immediately laugh hysterically It's a betrayal That's every step you take backwards Yeah He goes When Jessica doesn't laugh into the mic It's because she's trying to convince the audience That I am bad Finally Oh my god there it is Just a crazy person Yeah Imagine this is when I reveal That I'm a psychopath Here's a question I have Ving's new move World's Echo I have an answer It says in your presence If I am here then yes Okay I feel like I can see him across the little pond They're still like in So close Yeah So are you like calling out to Ving?

Like I feel like Ving needs to be like Alright everybody can talk to this thing Instead of it just being able to talk you know Okay yeah I'm like Ving help me Roll a defy danger charisma To not get this thing to immediately attack you Tuck goes help me Ving there's a thing here Eight So Ving you hear You hear Tuck calling And through the like waning light You see him standing With his arms up And a large bird Seemingly made of rushes and water grass Approaching him from the side of the pond Okay I want to get over there Okay yeah you can run around the lake pretty easily Okay And the bird is there It is about Six and a half Seven feet tall Be open Be open Tuck What did I tell you?

Alright I have a hard time dealing with High emotion scenes So I just make dick jokes instead And the bird Now in Ving's presence Kind of tilts its Weird green Gray head Are you a fish? We are not fish We are friends of the feather And it tilts its head the other way And goes that's what a fish would say Cause it doesn't want to get eaten And Tuck goes Would a fish do this?

I can't wait to see what this is Yeah he takes a deep breath Of air That is actually Pretty smart Slowly covers his heels And his hands Suddenly he's like I'm not a fish I'm not a fish I'm not a fish I'm not a fish I'm not a fish I'm not a fish I'm not a fish I'm not a fish I'm not a fish I'm not a fish I'm not a fish I'm not a fish I'm not a fish Yeah Tuck leans over And puts an arm around Ving To like Obscure his neck Just two normal guys Yeah let's breathe Into each other's mouths To show how much we love air That's what fish do Alright Defy danger charisma Okay Seven Okay just barely Yeah I think just as Ving Starts to cover his neck The bird sees the gills Well if you're not a fish You're not a fish Why is your friend a fish?

Why would a non-fish be hanging out with a fish? Oh, Billy hears squawking. And he like comes over. What's going on? A fish. I'm not a fish. Oh, wait, I can't hear him. No, you can hear him. Now that you get here, yeah. Scram. And it extends its wings and rustles its brushes. You don't scare me. Now there's three of you and it's kind of looking to the three of you. There are no fish here. You have to go to the river for that. You know it. Defy danger charisma. Okay. Eleven. Oh, okay.

That's the only good roll that's happened. Yeah, this is it. Yeah. Finally. It's just you're doing the hand waving to a broom. And I look at you guys. I'm like, usually if you have a broom, you want to keep a broom on you when you come out here because I don't like all that stuff. Billy knows how to deal with these animals. Because he gets chased away with so many brooms. Actually, Billy knows how to deal with these animals. Billy, what is this animal? It's a swamp. It's a swamp heron.

They can't fly. Okay. They can't fly. I like it. So when you start doing the brush light or the broom like movements in its face, it's like, I hate all that stuff. Yeah, I know it. I know you can't fly away. And it like hops out of the river and kind of does like a ostrich run a little bit across. Go. Okay. All right. Fine. But I'll be back, fish. We are not fish. I'll be back. We are all. Boys. Human boys. I'll be back. And it gets out of Ving's world's echo region. You just hear. I'll be back.

And it runs off into the mist. Wow. Thanks, Billy. If you don't have a broom, you can offer them granolas. If you don't have granola, I think you just have to insult him at that point. They're really insecure about not being able to fly. Oh. That's fucking. That's fucking hilarious. They're really top heavy, too. So you can always use the end of the broom to knock them over. We look into the pond and there's a few of them that are just on their sides. Just kicking their legs.

Tech goes, nature in our world is stupid. Billy. Uh-huh. You know this area, right? I mean, I know it okay. Do you know where? Because we're going to try and ride down the Sunwise in the winter. What direction is that? We're not on the river, are we? No, I'd say you're a bit away. Yeah, we're still in the kind of like the swampy area. He like licks his finger, puts in the air. I think the river goes that way. Yep. And you're going east. We're going east.

And I think the navigate thing that I'm going to choose is the going is slow. Like, I think it's a lot of like, all right, looking for the riverbed. And also me like looking at. Grubs. Yeah. And snacks. Billy is navigating. So it is predictably slow. Yeah. Oh, it's over this way. And then he just is eating berries off a bush. Yeah. I found some salmon berries. We are in the terrible parental situation where our child now has control over our time. I am abusing it. For sure. Let this happen.

It's his land. We don't know it here. Exactly. You got to respect me now. Billy, we always respect you. You don't respect me. It was bath time. Yes, we do. That's why we force you to have a bath. No, it is against our ways. It's a health thing. You have to bathe. I lived for so long without a bath and I turned out just fine. You had thrush when we met. I don't know what that is. And the going is slow. So I think that means that.

As you're walking down these riverbeds and waiting for Billy to finish eating salmon berries and waiting for Billy to stop eating the berries that are not edible. And then waiting for Billy to have diarrhea because he ate an inedible berry. And he's like, I have to go to my favorite diarrhea spot. You have to wait here. Only one type of grass. So take care of this. I also, there's like two parents arguing over how they walk the dog. You don't have to let them stop and sniff every spot.

No, he has to be able to do it. He has to be able to do it. He has to be able to do it. He has to be able to do it. He has to be able to do it. He has to be able to do it. He has to be able to do what he wants. Every once in a while, you just nudge Billy with your foot. He doesn't really notice. Keep going. Keep moving. I think night falls as you're traveling. Oh, and we see the night sky. Oh, that's true. Because we haven't seen it for a while because we've been in the gray. Yeah.

Through the gaps in the storm above, you see the dark, dark night sky. And the cold white stars that shine within. Yeah. I would like to use night moves. Very well. I actually think I changed night moves to also be more mechanically distinct. Great. When you spend time contemplating the movement of the stars in the night, roll plus wisdom. On 10 plus, the GM will answer one question. Seven to nine, the GM will ask you one question in return. Oh, sick. I like that. I love it. 10. Fuck yeah. Nuts.

I'll answer one question. Nuts. And keep in mind. I think we can all understand. And agree that there are bounds to the questions that can be answered by watching the movements. Where is the God gun that will kill the gibbous man? Where is the God gun that shoots smaller gods at other gods? Also, I'm assuming that this means we are stopping for the night. That this is a camp situation. I feel like this would be a situation where we're walking and then we like the canopy lifts or the storm lifts.

And then we see the night sky and we're like, Billy, we need a fairy ring. Oh, that's a good idea. Billy's move, fairy ring. It's not safe for us to like keep traveling in the night. Do you want to do that before? And then we can do that before Ving does night moves? Yeah. Okay. Do you want to read fairy ring? Yes. Fairy ring is when you spend some time creating a protective ring of mushrooms, flowers, stones, or the like. Roll plus wisdom.

On a seven to nine, the ring requires your constant attention, but is only passable to those you choose. On a 10 plus. It will last the night without maintenance. Great. Holy shit. Nice. 10. Holy shit. It's so easy. There's mushrooms. This is such a mushroomy area. Mushrooms, rocks, and flowers. Oh, yeah. They just, like, they just sprout up around you. Oh, my God. Three foot tall mushrooms. This ground is so horny. Yeah. Sorry, Ving. God. Mushrooms love this area. It's also like your homeland.

Yeah. It's where your body is from. Yeah. You're almost just like, Billy. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They would know you. They're really cheerful looking mushrooms. Yeah. They're, like, kind of orange. It's like a surprise party. Uh-huh. Surprise. Even the turkey tails on the rotten logs are like. Yeah. All the mushrooms around it are also springing to life. That's really cool. Which kind of, that actually kind of makes sense for why we were going so fucking slow. Yes.

Because, like, there's fairies and everything that are like, Billy's back. It's catching up. Yeah. Yeah. It's like walking around town with somebody who knows everyone. Yeah. So the ring will last the night. You will be protected within it. You're free to, like, you know, open up the fanny pack if you so choose or just sleep on the ground. I would like to do night moves. Okay. I rolled a 10. Okay. So you get one question related to whatever.

Tuck is helping Billy make the fairy ring while you do this. You don't even have to help me with the fairy ring. I think you think you're helping me. I'm like, you gotta move out of the way. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. And then I try to undo the fanny pack and that's what I need help with. It's just the clasp on the fanny pack. Yeah. Yeah. Tuck is putting, like, logs around and you're like, stop. Stop.

Is there any root for us coming into the melee that keeps us out of the gaze of the Gibbous Man? Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or something that's… Like a tunnel? A tunnel. A tunnel through the… Oh, a tunnel of darkness. I mean, he is the darkness. Or a literal tunnel, because the Riverways have tunnels in them. Like, yeah, there could be a literal tunnel, or there could be old roads or something like that. Oh.

Or roads that are shrouded by some sort of, like, presence of fairy or spirit or magic. Oh, yeah. Hmm. I think that, like, watching the stars and seeing where they're looking and where they're not looking, like, watching which constellations wheel in which directions and which parts of the sky are avoided entirely, you feel in the currents of the turning of the stars a path that leads sort of in the direction that you were hoping to go.

Like, the Everwood Valley is, if not a safe place, it's currently safe from the fighting. But the river that was… Turned away, that once passed through Mudlark centuries ago, you believe, passes through a winding mountain valley, crisscrossed with ancient mountain tunnels, old, abandoned roads that led to cities of men from millennia ago, passing through marshland that the stars fear. Ooh. Whoa. Ooh. Is that the Marsh of Mother Neverwood?

I don't know if the characters would know that, but that is what the players would know. Okay. Is there something about Mother Neverwood and the marsh that she inhabits that is not safe, but is dangerous in a different way? Hmm. So is this kind of like a Mines of Moria situation? Yeah. Exactly.

Where we can pass through the mountains and because it's, like, so outside of the realm of the Gibbous Man and, like, touched by other magics, we could potentially, like, skulk through without him, but it comes out in a dangerous place. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Opens us up to new dangers. Mm-hmm. So there is a safer path that is not exposed to the night sky. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Safer from the Gibbous Man. Yes. Safer from the Gibbous Man, yeah. Okay. And the night continues.

Anything else anyone wants to handle in the evening? Can I talk with a fairy? Absolutely. I do step out of the protective ring. I have to. Yeah. But it's an old stump. That was burned once in a fire. Ooh. Okay. Yeah. So there's an old stump. And what does the fairy that is a part of this stump look like? Oh, he is, like, kind of looks like a short Morgan Freeman, I guess. Okay. Yeah, totally. Is that okay? He's got a lot of freckles. Yeah. Very freckly.

Like, kind of looks like the stump that he is connected to. Yeah, like freckly. Super wrinkled, I guess. Yeah. Is that okay? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is that dumb? You think Morgan Freeman looks like a stump is just an accurate description of Morgan Freeman? He kind of looks like a weird old stump. Yeah. And now I have to do the Morgan Freeman. That's great. Hi, Billy. It's me. Stumpy. Stumpy. It's been so long. I've got to have a better name than Stumpy. I think Stumpy's fine. Stumpy's fine? Yeah.

Okay. So, yeah, you approach the stump and there's a little old stump man sitting on top of it smoking a long pipe. How's it going, Stumpy? Stumpy? Well, I'll be. It is me. Your old friend. He like, and creakily slides down the stump and extends his arms. I hug him. Oh, I never thought I'd see you again, Billy. How have you been? I've been busy. I've been all over the place. How have you been? Oh, you know, a stump. Nice. I miss being a stump sometimes. Stumpy. Stumpy. I have a favor to ask.

Well, not really a favor. I guess a favor in a way. Like, can you, but I just need like info. Like what's been going on around here? The ground tastes weird. So this sounds like a perfect opportunity to use a move of Billy's. Sure. Connections. Yeah. Which I also changed the wording of. Oh, okay. So connections. When you put out word to the ragamuffins or local fairies about something you want or need, roll plus charisma. On a 10 plus, someone has it just for you.

On a seven to nine, you'll have to settle for it. You'll have to settle for something close or it comes with strings attached. Your call. Okay. Plus charisma. Sick. 13. Fuck. I could have put you on so many side quests just now. Now I have to just answer a question. Sorry. You guys never let me play. You guys never let me play. I'm playing the game too, you know? So Stumpy leans back on his stump, takes a long drag out of his pipe and he's like, I'm going to go. What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? Stumpy seems like an autumn fairy. Yeah. He's super wise and chill and loves to smoke. Yeah. And he loves to sometimes sneak off into the village to gather a bunch of smoke. Oh, like he's- Yeah. He just carries it in like a backpack of his and then he takes it back to his stump and he just like inhales a bunch of it. Yeah. I like- He just puffs his back.

I like that Billy doesn't think it's weird, but if you look at his, like the bowl of his pipe, there's no like tobacco in it. It's just like a rolling ball of smoke. Yeah. That's cool. Which he takes a deep drag of and breathes out this like campfire scent all around you. I'm sorry. What was your question? Oh, I just want to know like what's been going on here because I was tasting the ground on the way and everything tastes like kind of off.

Yes, it's been a hard time in the mountains and in the valley. You might've heard on the winds a while ago, the valley flooded. Yeah. It was a difficult time for the people down. Yeah. It's still a bit wet around here. Is it still flooded? It's threatening the storms. And he looks up at the gathering storms above one good rain and it could wash the whole valley away. Are the people acting weird? Well, define weird.

Well, you know, like, are they like, are they just like fighting more amongst each other? I mean, he takes another drag from his pipe. Are they letting people in across the river? And he's like looking up at the storm and blows a bunch of smoke out. What? I'm sorry. What was your question? Stompy. I'm sorry. You know how it is. I get lost in thought sometimes. Let me hold your pipe. What's in this thing? Yeah. He's doing whip it. It's really hard. It's just sucking on a whipped cream can.

So, um, you take his pipe away and he goes, okay. And he slaps himself in the face. Okay. All right. I'm back. I'm back. Legally. Thank you. Thank you. For taking that. You know, that's, that's the good stuff. I got that right out of a cook fire. I know. Oh, they were cooking bacon. Weren't they? They were cooking bacon, Billy. Stompy, you have to take a break sometimes. Tolerance break. Yeah. Tuck is like sitting in the, in the fairy circle, like watching Billy.

Cause Billy was like, I have to go outside of the fairy circle. So he's been watching him this whole time. And Billy's got like a pine cone that he's smelling. Like it's a cigar. And Tuck's like, what the fuck is going on over there? What is wrong with this kid? Shaking a finger at the stump. And smacking it. When he hugged the stump earlier, he felt like, he had so much soot. And Tuck, in his head, he's just like, we're going to have to fucking give him a bath again.

I'm so sick of bathing this kid. So Stumpy says, well, after the floods, as you can understand, things got a little lean in the Everwood Valley. People got insular. The communities got desperate. Did they start eating each other? What? No. The way you were saying it, Stumpy. No, Billy, no. It's not that kind of show. But then once things started looking their grimaced. Well, once. Yeah, I said. When things started looking their grimace.

He's doing the high guy thing where he's like, that word cannot be. But it feels good. He says grimace. And then he like squints and looks at you. Uh-huh. Grimace? Is that the right word? I mean, it feels right for the situation. All right. Well, that's how grim they were looking. Then the hogs came. The hogs? The hogs. Oh, no. Oh, no. Stumpy, tell me that ain't so. Led by that great battle boar, Razortusk. No. Not again. And just acre after acre of pig. They must have eaten all the squash.

Oh, they ate the squash. The yams. They ate the aubergines. No. They ate the cornichons. Even the cornichons? Things are not good in the Everwood Valley, Billy. It is a veritable. Hog apocalypse. No wonder that Heron came asking for fish. There must be none left in the river. The hogs ate it. No. Ate them all. The hogs didn't eat the fish. The rivers are one of the- But they tried, I bet. They tried. The hogs, they tried. They choked the rivers with their great bulk.

And though the halflings are a hearty people, it is the fighting has been bitter. And sometimes delicious. Delicious. When we are able to bring down one of those mighty hogs. One of those mighty hogs. But the halflings, as you know, they abhor the meat of all living things. I know. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, yeah. Halflings are vegetarians. Meat is like their famine food. Which means, I guess, they're probably eating the hogs when they can. That's the bacon. That's the bacon smell.

That's the bacon. I'm sorry, Billy. I was enjoying the smoke so much I didn't even realize that the bacon sent. No. I should have realized. Why else would they be making bacon? Cut back to Tuck. He's talking to Vang. He's like, I can smell bacon. I can smell bacon. I can smell bacon. Is it on me? Is it me? Do I smell bacon? Tuck leans in and he sniffs. And then he smells his bracelet. It doesn't smell like bacon, but it smells like glaciers and sweat. Let me just make sure it's not you again.

It smells like clean sweat. I don't know, but that bacon is making me horny. What did you say? I said glaciers. Glaciers and sweat. Just however women authors describe the smell of a guy in a romance novel. It smells like exertion in a field after tilling. I always say musk. I'm like, what is musk? The inside of a deer. Oh. The outside of a man. It's like a baseball mitt full of cut grass. Thanks. Yeah, that is what Stumpy has to share with you. The hogs. We remember the hogs.

I think it might have been established in a piece of bonus. It was. So maybe just say it. Okay. For the listeners then, to the east of the Everwood Valley is a place known as the hog lands that were overrun with pigs a few decades ago. It was previously fertile farmland that has become just a place full of pigs. And every once in a while, the pigs sweep into the Everwood Valley. Oh, yeah. There was a hog that ran for president and got in two years in a row. Yeah.

When they can get across the river, when the tide comes down, that's when they can get across the river. When the incursion happens. Exactly. When they can get across the Sunwise and the Wittershins. That's the worst. It's because the flooding comes and then the waters recede and then the pigs can get across. Yes. What was your thing that you were going to- He just wants to make the Everwood Valley good again. Jesus Christ. There's a Trump pig. Yes.

The hog lands are quote unquote led because it cannot be more. It cannot be more established that the majority of the hogs, 99% of the hogs in the hog lands are pigs. Regular ass pigs. Pig intelligence. So pretty smart, but still pigs. One of them, known as Razortusk, is a trained war pig from like a dwarven like gnomish settlement. Oh, yeah. That wandered his way into the hog lands and was like, I will lead you. Easy. People. There's so much going on off screen. And it's all. It's all.

It's all. It's all so stupid. And clean little red hats and say, make hog-merica great again. Make hog-merica hog-a-hog. Make ha-merica. Ha-merica. Ha-merica. Yeah, pretty good. Great. Okay. So yeah, and that is what Stumpy, the Everwood Valley is basically in the midst of the hog times. The hog times are the hard times. Though there are. There are enclaves of safety. There are roving bands of hogs. Still? Still. Okay. I appreciate you telling me all this.

I appreciate you coming to visit, Billy. Always. Well. Well. And he reaches out his hand and gestures. And I spin it. Oh, Billy. Well, what else do you want? Come on. You want my hand? My pipe, Billy. Oh, right. I'm sorry. Oh. Oh. I didn't know if you wanted the spit of friendship or something else. It is as ever. And he spits in his own hand. Yeah. And then clasps your hand. Fare thee well. May you live many moons.

And he climbs back up on his stump and like leans back on his hand and smokes and stares at the stars. Okay. I head back. It's not far. Time to head back. Here we go. He wraps up his backpack, tightens the straps. Three steps. My little bindle. Three steps. And I tell you both what Stumpy told me. Oh, shit. Hmm. Look, I know it's to you just sounds like a bunch of pigs, but it's a big deal to us. You can't. Well, you did keep saying it was a bunch of pigs.

I mean, it's mostly a bunch of pigs, but then there's the one big pig who's really evil. Mm-hmm. And to the halflings, a bunch of pigs is a lot more than that. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There were multiple times in the conversation where we stopped Billy and we were like, so it is a bunch of pigs, right? That's what you're describing. They're not just pigs is what I'm telling you. No, they're just pigs plus a war pig.

Plus one crazy war pig. You make it sound manageable, but it's not. No. Not for halflings. We're just doing it for our own management. Yeah. We're not trying to minimize what you're explaining to us at all. Okay. Fine. Fine. But it just sounds like a bunch of pigs. That's fine. No. You tell me. Things. I don't tell you anything. Billy, what are you asking right now? Are we here to help the halflings in their pig plight?

I mean, I think so, because usually Wild Bill will chase off the pigs, but I don't know if he's sick or something, because they're still roaming around. Can we help them chase the pigs off? And they might be able to help us. So you want us to try and get the pigs out of the Everwood Valley? Yeah. Yeah, Billy. Billy, that's okay with me. It's your home. Yeah, we can totally help it. You helped at my home. We helped at Tuck's. Yeah, we helped my home.

All we did was burn down a tree or whatever and then help fix a religion at yours. All we did was collapse a church. No big deal. These are the pigs, though. The hog times. Billy, we'll help you end the hog times. Thank you. Hog times have come to the Everwood Valley. Where do you suggest that we go? I think we should start at Lone Tree Hill, just to make sure. Okay. And that's where the big farm is as well, so there's a lot of rutabagas that we would grow, and the pigs may have got to it.

Who knows? Maybe the pigs are targeting the stores there, too. Oh, it could be! Yeah. Okay. Yeah, we'll go to the… We'll sleep tonight, and then it's kind of on our way, so we'll go to the Everwood Valley, and then find this pig, and then get rid of it. Yes, the pigs. And then… Guys, is this stupid? Is this stupid? Did I introduce a stupid pig here? No, I love it. It's funny that we're being somewhat dismissive. Oh, fuck. That's a lot of pigs.

Yeah, we're doing the parent thing where we are, like, pretty sure this isn't that big a deal. You guys are imagining teacup pigs running around? You even said, like, it's pretty much on the way. This horrible hogpocalypse is basically just on our route. We could stop by and save America. Thank you. Thank you. The halflings will forever be in your debt. Also, I'd love to see where you're from. Yeah. Yeah. I forgot about that.

I mean, they don't like me very much, so they might not be very happy to see us. I bet they liked you more. More than you think they did. Yeah. Then I guess the night just, we, I guess we would just close it on the night. Yeah. I like Billy around the fire telling us about hogpocalypse. Yeah. I'm telling you about previous hogpocalypse. Oh, man. Yeah. Let's hear a little bit of a previous hogpocalypse.

Well, one, okay, so one year, uh, they ate all the carrot tops, which, as you know, is our favorite source of salad. So, we had nothing else to eat for salad, so. And we didn't know where the carrots were then. We didn't know where the carrots were, so, like, eventually, like, you know, here we are digging up the whole farm, and no carrots to be found. We missed every carrot somehow, and then it wasn't until the next flood when all the, and then they grew too big.

The next flood came, and all the carrots floated to the surface, and they were like, they were like the size of me. Oh, my God. They're huge. And as Billy is giving this professional pantomime performance of the year the carrots got too big. The year the carrots got too big. It's basically Cirque du Soleil. Yeah. The camera follows the embers of the fire up out of the fairy ring into the gorgeous night sky, sinister and dark, and the end of another day.

And that's where we'll end it for this week. I'm your game master, Sean O'Hara. Joining me as always, playing Tacoma Dome, the Barbarian, and Beulah Z's. So long. Playing Ving, the Half-Elf Druid, Paul Hoppers. Hogpocalypse. And playing Fat Billy, the Halfling Thief, Jessica Tai. They are not just pigs. Thank you to Aaron Reed for our intro and outro music.

You can find all of Aaron's personal music under Aaron Charles Reed or ACR at aaronreed.bandcamp.com and all the music Aaron has made for the show, written by Abdul and myself, at soundcloud.com. Thank you to all of our supporters around the world. Without you, this show simply would not be possible.

If you want to support the show and get access to bonus content, including gift boxes, games run by Abdul and myself, and Blades in the Dark campaign set in the High Spear Mall, check us out at patreon.com or spellore.com. Thank you finally, and most of all, to all of you for listening. We'll see you next time. And though our journey may be like a conclusion, we will not leave you without a resolution. Return next week to hear some more whilst you commute or do your chores.

And for you, I'd gladly spell dawn.

Hi everyone, it's Fat Billy here. Thanks for coming, listening to our podcast. If you want more podcasts, you can go to patreon.com slash spoutelore, where you can give us some money. And I like money, so I can buy snacks. Gather round friends, let me tell you a tale of three heroes, noble and bold. A brute, a druid, and a thief who is but nine years old. You know them by name, you know them by deed, their quests are famously daring.

So here I sit, singing to you an adventure that is worth sharing. Tuck is the brute, he knows not his home, he loves to sing and fight. Fingers half-elf, he shifts his shape and wields a spear with great might. Billy's a thief, his tiny size does mask the largest heart. Best in bread. They may not be, but their friendship outweighs their smarts. So gather round friends, and listen close, for the tale's about to start. Hello everybody- Oh shit!

I saw you losing control of the pause and play function. It was great. Hello everybody and welcome to Spoutlore. I'm your game master, Sean O'Hara. Joining me as always playing Tacoma Dome, the barbarian, Abdul Aziz. Good morning everyone. Okay, okay. Oh. Why did I think I got to go first? Sorry, do that again. Alright, playing Tacoma Dome, the barbarian, Abdul Aziz. Hello. Playing Ving, the half-elf, druid, Paul Oppers. Hi everybody. And playing Fat Billy, the halfling thief, Jessica Tai.

Hi everyone. Well I really expected one of you to interrupt one of the other people, that was… I was doing the comedy math on it and I was like, I don't think any of it actually leads to a bigger laugh than we already have. Oh my god. That shows incredible restraint. Thanks. I jerked off right before. There it is. And we're back. Oh, that's why you were like, I'll get here at 8.30, you guys get here at 9. Yeah. Wow. I see. Don't check the camera in the studio. Don't look.

Sean, there's so many warnings on your phone. We're getting hella alerts. I'm just getting movement alert, movement alert, movement alert. Something's happening in the corning. Oh, it started again. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Oh. Billy was tricked into confessing all of his sins in exchange for marbles.

On the back of Gale, Ving gripped on for dear life as she approached near supersonic speeds and heard tell of how the battle against Thronebreaker, King of the Thunderbirds, was going. The answer? Not great. We then arrived at the island of Hibernia. I thought we were going to have a calm little, we arrive at the beach and we slowly approach the council showing our deference in preparation for this tense negotiation. But no, Gale came in hot.

Like Robert Downey Jr., she arrived with ACDC playing in the background. Superhero landing. Right on the stone, the Oval Council approached, demanding to know what Ving was doing here. And he said, get ready for this. And then he dumped all his friends out of a bag on the ground and his dad and his old infirm dad. The negotiations began. This is Dathaniel. He was the Ranger King, but at the time of the Geshes swearing was not.

The man that you thought was the Ranger King was in fact a god and not a man at all. So your Geshe was broken the day it was sworn. So sick. So sick. Fucking great idea. The one person that seemed the most unhappy to see you was, of course, Stonai, King of the Selkies, who still hates Tuck. A lot.

Tuck eventually got Stonai to back off using the Truthless's new move, Deathless, after being shown the reality of Dathaniel's killing of Ileana, his history with Ileana, and his betrayal by the agents of the Gibbous Man, as well as the true aspect of the Gibbous Man. Truly unsettling. Even as you guys were describing it, you'll notice I had no part in that. Like a man made of shattered glass and the glass made of eyes with darkness, mist, and threads of light all spreading out from it. Yeah.

Being shown that and being told by Billy that that is the thing that has led you to this current state. Isolated, alone, cut off from your ways. An empty shell of what you used to be. And if you spare Dathaniel and Ving and let us go kill the Gibbous Man, we can put all this right. Grimshay agreed to swear an oath with Billy that if you guys pursued the Gibbous Man while you pursued the Gibbous Man… They would leave Dathaniel and Ving alone.

And Grimshay, in return, got Billy to swear that you would in fact destroy the Gibbous Man and free everyone. Then you went down to the beach and spent some time regaling the people of Hibernia who were treating you as near legends with tales of your adventures. Billy blessed the exams of a young man named Liam with a marble and became a sort of… Seeing stone into… Yeah. Yeah.

Gave out blessings to all of the people at this party in the form of all of the marbles from his jar before realizing that he wasn't getting those back. Those are going to become family heirlooms that get passed down. Oh, yeah. Those are going to be mounted in things. Oh, yeah. Like on staffs and tools and stuff. We bought those at a fucking dollar store. Tuck in… I found them at a bazaar. What was that store? The store that's like… Yeah. One coin. One coin. Oh, general store. Oh, one coin.

We bought them at general store. We bought them at general store. You can always find marbles in general store. Oh, yeah. One coin. They're impulse buys by the counter for kids. Exactly. And it's always like Billy's like, can we get more? I will work harder to be good if you get more. Tuck told his stories and showed off feats of strength and explained the origins of his magic axe. Mm-hmm. While Ving told stories of the beasts of the land.

Using his powers to create fantastical images in the fire and smoke. And the evening ended with a beautiful night's sleep under the pallid gray fog of Hibernia. I forgot. There's no stars. A beach fire at night on Hibernia has got to be the most dismal and depressing thing. It just adds to the fog. So everyone's just like, hey, Dan, where are you? Can't see you. You have a fire in the fog. The fire smoke just goes everywhere. You can't escape it. It's just everything smells like smoke now.

So we just kind of passed out by the fire. Yeah, exactly. You just asphyxiated next to a campfire. Mm-hmm. And that is where we individually crawled back to the tent. Yeah. And that is where we find our heroes now. Or rather, where we find them is in the fanny pack. I like to think that we're in the entrance, like where we used to camp out. Yeah. Oh, yeah. In the servant's quarters zone. Yeah. We just didn't make it further. Yeah. Yeah. We didn't want to wake mom and dad. Yeah, exactly.

But then you are woken by mom and dad, or rather, one of them. I mean, it's Perel. It's Perel, mom, or dad. Who can say? Perel's mom. Yeah. And you get kicked in the side a little bit, Tuck. Hey. Severna. Hey. Whoa, hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hands to yourself, buddy. Hands to yourself. Oh, no. What, June? Come on, fans. Someone do a calendar of the week. We're going to spell her. Please. Whoa, hey. Please. Whoa. I haven't heard that voice in a long time. Tuck, wake up. Please.

Do a calendar, please. Somebody, please. Somebody do a calendar of the week. We're going to spell her. Oh, no. Are you okay? Tuck. What? Get everybody up. We got to talk. And I wake up, and Perel is wearing. He's wearing fuzzy slippers, and he's holding a skillet, a huge skillet of eggs. You remember those skillets from Arrested Development that buckled the table? Oh, just like a huge cast iron skillet that's like a tray. Whoa. I didn't know Perel was so strong.

If you look underneath the pages, the pages crunched out underneath. It's shaking. You just hear shh. It's all the pages ruffling. They're all ruffled together. Get up. Okay. And he turns and goes back into the fanny pack proper. And then I wake up. I shake Billy awake. What's going on? Who did it? I'm like, Billy, Perel made his. He made a big breakfast. Oh, boy. Where is it? Where did it go? He took it into the other room. Hurry up. We don't want to miss out. Okay. Okay. Let's go.

And then I wake Ving up. Billy, spit it out. What? Ving. Ving. What time is it? What's wrong with your voice? Are you okay? Sorry, I can't remember. What's wrong with my voice? Am I okay? Perel made breakfast and Billy is freaking out. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Did you check his hands for visible poop? Oh, no. And then you hear from the dining area, Perel yelling, you soap. You soap, Billy. Wash your hands. Invisible poop. Visible poop. Ding, ding. Ding, ding. Ding, ding. Ding, ding. Ding, ding.

Ding, ding. Ding, ding. Ding, ding. Ding, ding. Ding, ding. Ding, ding. He's already put his hands in. And I imagine we cut forward to sort of the study, the observatory area of the fanny pack. And it's got the vibe of like the first talk at a business conference where people are like getting stuff from the buffet table and like, you know, pouring coffee, getting cereal out of the little like twisty gumball machine style thing at a hotel. There's Perel has like opened up a bunch of pages.

So like there's other people milling about. Yeah, exactly. It's like waiting staff bringing you stuff. There are chairs set out around the lectern that was set up when Morris first arrived. And Perel is standing there checking some notes. All right, everybody. Is it like your birthday or something? Like what's going on? We just I think that a lot has happened over the last little while. And what we could really use is a restating of the stakes. Amen, brother. Okay. Everybody gets him.

Everyone's got some food. Everyone's got something to drink. Yeah. Tuck has one of those like buffet plates that is piled too high with all of the stuff you didn't want. Because he's like, I'll eat all this stuff and then I'll go back for the thing I do. This is a classic buffet technique. You fill up on the stuff you hate. Yeah. Nobody else do that. I do it. I for sure save my favorite thing for the end. Yeah. When you'll enjoy it the least. Yeah. What do you mean?

You eat all the stuff you don't like first? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Even at a buffet. The less fun stuff. So like, well, actually I do have like a bit of my favorite. I always make sure. And then I have like my salad and the good stuff. You looked around like, is that okay? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But we're describing like the Paul and Jessica, you're describing like classic buffets.

You have some soup, you have some salad and then you have a bunch of stuff. No, no, no, no. I'm saying you eat the like, oh, I don't really like chicken Parmesan. So I'll eat. I'll take some of that first. I'll take it first. To get out of the way. Because I have to eat. You have to eat one of everything. You have to eat a bit of everything. You gotta eat one of everything. What if it surprises you and it's really good, you know? I guess.

And then you're like, oh, if I hadn't eaten something I didn't like, I wouldn't know. And also you don't get the value of the buffet unless you eat one of everything. Yeah. You have to get so much of the proteins. To get the value of the buffet, you have to devalue yourself. There's a direct. You gotta make yourself a garbage can. Yeah. I'm starting to think that I'm wrong for only eating the stuff that I like. Get a buffet. But what if the stuff you like is undervalued, you know?

Like, what if you really like cereal? It's like, no, no, no. Cereal's cheap. Like, you gotta eat the expensive stuff. Snow crab legs. Yes. I feel like I'm going crazy. This is the conversation that's happening at the buffet table. As we're telling Morris what our logic is. No, but I like roast beef, so I just go for the roast beef. Yeah, but you could have that any time. Why not throw some prawns on there, too? I don't like prawns. Yeah. They look like prawns. They look like prawns.

They look like shit, dude. It doesn't matter. We're not talking about what we like. We're talking about maximizing the buffet. Okay, okay. And Burrell starts banging his fist on the lectern. Buffets are not about what you like. They're just about how much you eat. It's about how much you can do to yourself. Buffet is French for self-loathing. Morris shakes his head like, I've been so blind. I can't believe how wrong I've been. He starts grabbing prawns off the table. Text plate.

These are truly terrible. Text plate is just danishes and prawns. Danishes and prawns. Billy's so upsexy, loves the danishes. He's like, wow, take them all, don't you? All right, all right, everybody. Now here we are at renaming the steaks and eggs. Yeah. We're here to talk about what's been going on and figure out our plan moving forward. And he reaches down and he picks up a book from underneath the lectern that's like a big atlas.

Like it's really wide and really, you know, like when you look at an atlas and you're like, that's too big. And he kind of tosses it out in front of him in the air, in front of the chairs. And before it hits the ground, it begins to unfold. And it becomes sort of like a 10 by four table. And you hear like, as pages start folding and form, what you would recognize from the scant maps that you've seen as a 3D release. A brief image of the Eastern continent. Whoa. Wow. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you so much. I found it on a bookshelf. Can I Spout Lore on the world? What do you mean? I don't know. I've never seen a map of the whole world. If you're going to Spout Lore, it needs to be about a specific thing that you want to know. It's about the Eastern continent. About the Eastern continent? Yeah, that you opened up on. Do you want to do that one? I don't know. It's just the thing that he opened it up to. I'm just wondering what you guys are trying to do.

I'm just trying to learn from this. I want to know about what the world is. Stop. Hold on. Don't pour them right on the… Oh, my God. I just need to know if you're trying to answer a specific question, because that's what Spout Lore is for. No, but I kind of just want you to describe the shape of the world. Can I roll to understand the shape of the world? You can look with your eyeballs to see the shape of the world. Is there a mountain range that we're looking at?

I mean, it's an entire continent. Oh, okay. Yeah, there's lots of stuff. Well, at least the continent as we have seen it. You can see down at the southern, quote unquote, bottom part of the table, the principalities start below the Great Forest with a mountain range and a bay on either side that sort of become this large diamond shape almost. Where Mudlark is, there's a little hot dog. There's a little hot dog, a little frog. Yeah. They're just always there. Frog. Eating a hot dog.

And he looks up. He's like, whoa. They run away. Some of the first stuff he said, too. Oh, my God. So, Perel, he points far up the northern coast. He points to a little paper bay and goes, Two months ago, we were here at the Tower of Adernac Allwater, attempting to recover my magic with the help of you, my dear friends. While in that tower, we got my magic back. Found my dear lover, Morris Wadge. Right. He bows and goes, hello there. Okay. No one else is happy. Billy's clapping. Morris.

Billy's clapping. And then Bing and Tuck are like, don't call him your lover in front of Billy. What are you doing? Is that not okay? No, it feels overly sexual. Oh, you could love somebody with a… I see what conversation it's bringing up. I see it. We also discovered a casket made of ice in a pillar above a magically potent source of water containing at the very bottom a piece of Lillian's moon. Mm. Mm-hmm. That casket was broken from the inside out.

Footprints leading out of the tower, or out of the room, presumably into the tower and into the world. Spooky. And that was probably Adernac, right? Mm-hmm. That was in that? Everybody nods. We think so. It would be surprising if it wasn't. Oh, and when he pointed at the… You can see little billows. There's some smoke coming out of sheer city and stuff. I feel like the map is a little bit dynamic. Oh, totally. Oh, there's little paper waves. Oh, yeah. Oh. I love that.

I think it'd be really cool if the Atlas opened up to what the world looks like right now, but you can flip back through the years. Oh, yeah. Whoa. That's sick. I forgot. I actually did have a thought about this. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay.

Graves is there like you can see like little pillars like between the continent the mccall the western and eastern yes because the sea of graves is really old yeah the sea of graves is of yeah mysterious age people just are always aware that it existed and yeah I liked it he points at the at our neck all waters tower and the papers go like and like zoom in a little bit on that region yeah as everything uh reforms god's so sick man he's so good at origami again the book the book is doing it I am not doing this uh and then from the tower we traveled and the pages go following his finger across the tundra is it the kind of thing where it's like forming like a path where we went yeah you can see like the pages like dog earring to make like footprints as it travels across the land cool and there's like a little bit of like a little bit of like a little bit of like a little bit of like little uh you know paper caribou that run by and all that shit nice from here we were approached by quote unquote dathaniel the ranger king who tasked his son larongar vinga with taking down the court of the wood by manipulating the runes in the heart tree in heartwood city a little dathaniel shows up and tucks licks his lips perceptively who's that little paper papa uh dude look at your dad dude I'm looking at you man looking at you looking at my dad and I hate it from there we traveled to pages shift to the great forest where meeting with dathaniel and his talon we entered the forest hijinks ensued and we destroyed the heart tree in heartwood city you see a little fin like looking angry a little boy eating shit or whatever we also discovered beneath the tree the body of the true dathaniel learning that the false dathaniel was perhaps or most likely absolutely was the gibbous man there's so much equivocation in that one statement I have to make it clear I was inside the bag for all of this stuff and then we were betrayed by wendy met a fancy elf who has been mortally wounded and disappeared a beaver got lost a beaver cat got lost and is really mad at us that's important too thank you I like the idea that perel is still assimilating a lot of the details so you can't tell what's important and we're like reminding him throughout so we're like don't forget about the beaver cat a man is floating around somewhere above this map attached to a bunch of birds a man is floating around somewhere above this map attached to a bunch of birds a woman Let's not forget, guys, as we come to some very important story plots.

There's little origami birds carrying it out. After this was destroyed, we met and fought the Gibbous Man and a bunch of freaky, gross imps. Tuck got some rag from the Gibbous Man that he seems really attached to. Fuck you, dude. I'm just saying you met and fought a god and that was what you got from him. Yeah. Tuck's really on the rag right now. From here, we traveled to the island of Hibernia. Zooms in on the island chain where we are now.

Having spoke to the Oval Council and completed slash nullified slash transferred the Gash from Ving to all of us. Oh, did we actually? Is that what I did? Either way, what we do know is that now we have to pursue the Gibbous Man in exchange for Ving and Nathaniel's freedom. Correct? Yes. Yes. Okay. Thank you, everyone. Perel steeples his fingers on the lectern and looks at you all, which brings us to today. And the next question, what do we do now? Can I have some more holiday sauce?

There's unlimited holiday sauces for everybody. Thank you. Dude, he says it's for everybody. There's only one little pot. Whoa. I didn't get any of that. I was saving my favorites for later. It's actually pretty good. It's pretty good. It's pretty gross, guys. Don't worry about it. I was saving my favorites for later. As good things are disappearing, Morris puts down his plate and goes, I knew it. I knew there was a flaw in this system. You know what, Morris? I'm thinking you might be right.

I'm never trusting any of you again when it comes to buffets. You see Tuck put the roast beef in his backpack. No fair. No fair. That's the second part of the buffet, Morris. You steal some of it for later. You steal some of it for later. What? What do we do now? Well, make more hollandaise, I guess. And we can go back and get our actual favorites. And then you hear tap, tap, tap coming from the hallway. Wait, look. Dathaniel has emerged from his room. He's holding onto his Blackthorn staff.

It looks like in the walk from his room to here, he has become unbelievable. He's unbelievably exhausted, but he looks at all of you. I think I might be able to help. And cut forward a few minutes so we don't have to watch Dathaniel walk all the way to the front. And you're gathered around. He's standing in front of the 3D paper relief of the Eastern continent. I remembered something. While I was there under the tree, I was vaguely aware of the Gibbous Man's perceptions.

And while I can't tell you his whole story, I can tell you his whole story. His whole plan. I can tell you that. The war. And he points to the principalities as the pages shift and move to focus on the place where all of this adventure started. Oh. And he looks at all of you and says, there is a war down there, right? From what we've heard, yeah. The Princeps of the Firefield Principality started it or something. I think they invaded one. What did my wife say when she stabbed me?

So the Princeps of the Firefields, which I think we actually said are two people. It's like brothers. Yeah. Have invaded, I think, the High Spear Principality. But they're going to war against the other principalities. At least the closest ones. And when you say the Princeps of the Firefield Principalities, he snaps and points at you. Says, yes, the Firefields. The Princeps. The Gibbous Man needs that invasion. To succeed. I don't know why.

But I do know that if you wanted to stop or slow down the Gibbous Man's plans, finding and stopping the Princeps of the Firefields would be a good place to start. Whoa. Did you remember anything else? A feeling, even. Can I use Spout Lore on this, maybe? Yeah, totally. Or discern realities, maybe? Yeah. So 2d6 plus wisdom. Can we all discern a reality? From Dathaniel? Yeah, depending on how many questions we get, yeah. All right. Does someone else want to do it? I have negative one wisdom.

Negative one wisdom's pretty bad. Oh, I'll discern realities. That makes sense. He's your dad. Yeah. You could probably get him to do stuff. I can read him. I can guilt him into things. Four. Wow. I got five. I shouldn't have said guilt him into things. Okay. So on a failure, Dathaniel, when you ask him if he remembers anything else, he always, he holds onto his black thorn and closes his eyes and it looks like he's really trying to remember something. And then he looks up at all of you.

And for just a moment, the eyes, like the light reflects in his eyes and you see a blue eye and a black eye. Whoa. Whoa. And then he shakes his head and he goes, no, I don't. What was that? He like moves over to a chair and sits down. Okay. I think he saw through me. He saw us? Just for a second. I was able to lock him out, but I think so. Just now. Just now. For just a second. Well, it's okay. Cause we saw him too. So at least we know that he's watching us. He has the ability.

I'm making lemonade here, but that's not bad. That's not bad. I'm just trying to calm his dad down now. Yeah, exactly. It's totally fine. It's not your fault. Cause he looks like Nathaniel. If you look at Nathaniel right now, he's like, he's got his head down. He looks furious. Yes. This thing. He's the strongest person. He's never been so weak in his life. He's not used to being such a broken man. And there's definitely stuff he's not saying right now, but he is angry.

His physicality is finally reflecting the shattered man that he's been his whole life. Yeah. And also like him being so angry. It being vulnerable is like such a Nathaniel thing. Totally. Maybe injecting a little bit of my dad. All dads. All dads. Dads across the board. Capital boomer dads. Oh yeah, for sure. And more just the boomers. Not millennial dads. Yeah, not millennial dads who go, no, I don't want to. I don't want to emote. Asked a question directly by their therapist and say, no. Yeah.

No. Not millennial dads who in counseling, cause emotional outlays performative. Wow. I'm really glad you're in therapy, man. Thanks. Stick with it, pal. And as you're all standing around Nathaniel looking furious, Morris goes, all right. And you all turn and he's, he's shoving roast beef in his mouth. He's got Tuck's bag and he's just eating. Hey, what? What are you going to do? Get back. Get. That's my fucking backpack. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. All right. All right. Big guy.

And he reaches in, takes the roast beef out, hands the bag over. And then Tuck turns to Vang and he's like, he's playing by the rules of the buffet. Learn from the best. And he, uh, he wipes a bunch of roast beef juice off his face. Get that roast beef. There was one other thing that Perry and I realized his plan as you have laid it out to us is to, uh, enact a conjunction of the spheres, correct? To have the realms crash into each other? Yeah. To stabilize reality for some unknown reason?

Not unknown. What's the reason? He wants to become whole again. Oh, he wants to get himself off of this plane. Yeah. When, uh, when Lillian freed herself, she chained him to the material plane. So his, uh, I think his aspect is shattered now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

What we figured out was that the only way he could make himself whole is to cause all the realms to merge back into one and then he can re-assimilate. Right. And that's confirmed or is that a hypothesis? Uh. Hypothesis. Will you, Sean, you tell us? It's a hypothesis. Okay. It's a hypothesis. That is your best guess. And it's a very good guess. It's an informed hypothesis, but it is not confirmed because the gibbous man would not tell you his plan. Yeah.

But Morris, that's why you were stuck in the… In the margins of reality. Yeah, the thaumic realm. The margins are a good way to put it. I was shoved into the gap between the words of reality. Yes. Yes, right. So if his plan hinges on the conjunction of the spheres, in his diminished state, it is very likely he has no control over when that happens. Oh.

It's impossible that in his attempt to cause more chaos and to disrupt this reality, he might be going after the High Spear to disrupt communication across all land. It's not impossible. Because the High Spear, I don't know if the fans remember this, but can you remind them what the High Spear is? Right.

So to remind the listeners, the High Spear, which we described, it's the namesake of the High Spear Principality, is a glass-shattered, sharded wizard tower that hangs above the city of High Spear and in antiquity, in the Golden Age, was created by a wizard as a method of ensuring everyone within its reach could communicate flawlessly, easily. Yeah. Spoken language sounds the same to everybody within the High Spear's field of influence. Yeah.

And it's how we, as players, never have to explain why we understand everyone. Exactly. The party went to McCall in Season 6, and everyone could talk to everyone else, even though there are McCall in words, and written language, everybody just understands it. Yeah.

Because his thing is, I just, yeah, when you started talking about that he's near High Spear, the war is near High Spear, I was like, this could be part of his plan, is that, because that would be very, very, his thing is like to mess with everyone. Yeah. He wouldn't fuck with everybody. Yeah, totally. Right. If no one can communicate anymore. It would really mess everybody up. It would, I mean, for the podcast sake, it would be really annoying.

If we were all speaking different languages all of a sudden. Yeah. Because all three of you would speak a totally different language. Yeah, a totally different language. That actually makes a lot of sense, because his whole thing has been obscuring knowledge. So what better way to absolutely shatter the knowledge foundation of the world than to make it impossible for us to communicate with one another. There's a lot of eggs in that basket. That is really cool, though. Yeah.

If the High Spear goes down, the three of you could not speak to each other. We would just have to do a bunch of, what's that game, charades? Yeah. Yeah, like bees. Yes. Let's do our dance. Yeah. But we'd have to describe charades in an audio medium. Maybe. Sorry, I just said Jessica try and dance. Try and? She's dancing, bro. No, I'm not. Okay. That's kind of a dance. She's dancing like a bee. I think that's what she's trying to do.

Yeah, it's hard to dance pretending I have like six legs, my only of two. I thought you were pretending to be Billy. It's hard to dance when you have a perfectly round ball. Yeah. Oh, this is okay. Actually, here's something that we're running up against is character knowledge versus player knowledge. Do the characters know about the High Spear? We might not. We might not, but I bet Perel and Morris do. Oh, right. They were around when it was being built. There's understandings.

Yeah, or when it was up. Yeah. So they would clue into that. Yeah. He said that the princeps of the Firefields are attempting to invade High Spear. High Spear. High Spear. He could be going for the High Spear. High Spear. High Spear. High Spear. What's that? The High Spear? Well, yeah, we know it's that tower, but who cares? By the mall. It's a tower at a mall, dude. Are you worried about the fucking hot topic?

The tower was designed by a wizard in the Golden Age to create a field of flawless communication between different people. Did you never think it was weird that everyone on the planet spoke one language? No. I have never thought of it ever. Yeah. I just assumed everyone was like me. Yeah. Everyone speaks Faerie. Yeah. Wait, you're speaking Faerie? Yeah. Aren't you? Wait. Are you? I'm speaking Macaulay right now. Oh my God.

Then the camera shifts to like a third party perspective where it's incoherent. Unintelligible. Where Billy's language is just feral growling. Ving sounds like Nev Campbell. Wait. Nev Campbell? Ving sounds like Liv Tyler? Ving sounds like Nev Campbell in Wild Thing. And Tuck is just speaking Arabic. Yeah. Tuck's just speaking real world Arabic. Earth Arabic. Yeah, Sharmuta. Say more. Yeah. I just said the streets. That's cool. Honestly, I know so little. I know Habibi. And I'm in a show. Yeah.

Habibi. Oh, it's so sultry. And I some hummus. I know one of those words. Did you just say I sell hummus? No, I said I want hummus. Yeah, same. I know another one of those words. Did you say I want falafel? Yeah. Nice. I'm learning so fast. She's learning Arabic. Jessica's downloading Arabic. Yeah. Arabic as we speak. Yeah. Just. Just. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Bing. Tuck just. Falafel. The whole time. Tuck doesn't even know Macaulay. He just is asking for falafel over and over again.

Ice Spears translating that into actual words. That would be a crazy mind fuck to learn that you have all like you and your closest friends. Oh, yeah. Speaking different languages. Oh, yeah. And it all depends on this like pile of glass. Yeah. Like we got to get there so fast. And Paragos. Paragos. Oh, fuck. Yes, absolutely. If the gibbous man wants the princeps to succeed, quote unquote, he starts doing air quotes on everybody's faces. Get the fuck out of here, dude. Those are wild air quotes.

In their invasion of the High Spear Principality and theoretically the capital of High Spear because why would you invade a territory without invading the capital? Maybe he's going for the High Spear. He's disrupting knowledge across the world. Communication goes down forever. Everybody. Then we're fucked. We can't do anything. I can't make any dick jokes. I can't make any dick jokes! We gotta get out! What language does Allison speak?

The amount of people that you're gonna be able to hit on is gonna go down wildly. Oh no. The amount of people you're gonna be able to successfully hit on will stay the same. Tuck punches through a wall and he's like, we gotta move now! Wait, wait, wait. Let's talk about this. Victor's behind the wall like, that's what's close. The two wolf eyes in the painting next to you. Wait, wait, wait. Let's talk about this for a sec.

So like, as Morris is talking about how the Gibbous Man is working, he has no control over the movement of the spheres themselves. If he did, he would have done it already. Yeah. So he's like, which means which means lost that voice completely. Oh my god, he's fucking with the tower! All of us are getting weird accents. So, that means that we're all working on the same timeline. Which means that things aren't as hopeless as they might have seemed.

If he has no control over the movement of the spheres and he can't force them to collide, because he would have done that long ago if he could, that means that we still have a chance to stop him. Heh heh. What? Tuck has zoomed the map in on the Panoosian Bay. He's like, looks like a dick in balls. Oh my god, it does. Guys, somebody stabbed me. The Bay of Panoos looks like a dick. There's like a little school of dolphins swimming and it looks like a little stream of pee.

Billy says that, and it's like, yes, Billy, that's pee. Yeah. It's nothing else. And that's, it's funny that we're talking about like, the story based on the, like we can see, Billy, like you see the halfling lands, you see a little paper, Wittershins and Sunwise. Mm-hmm. And then there's, I mean, what's east? We know that Panoosia is east, but what's east of Panoosia? The edge of the book. I thought Panoosia was, uh, uh. Yeah, on the map we've never gone further east than that. Can we scroll?

Oh yeah, let's do it. Can we scroll? Yeah. I mean, what's over there? Scroll realities. All right, Billy's little fingers are moving the. Roll it. Roll what? Oh. Reality. Spout Lore on the map. Spout Lore. Spout Lore. Okay, 2D6 plus intelligence. Intelligence? Billy has the highest. Who spelled lore out of all of us? Five. Okay, okay. Totally failed. Uh, I guess, this is, like, we don't have to roll for everything, cause you, you take a point of experience cause you failed. I did.

Hell yeah, I'll roll. No. But so what's the. Five. I'll take a point. No, you won't. You didn't roll anything. Time's discerning realities. Uh. I don't know what's going on anymore. Sorry. Okay, so what is the failure on this? Ooh. If you want, like, a bad thing to happen, what if it's like, as we're trying to flip the pages, it's like, all these, like, webby things. These, like, we see these, like, strings. Oh, the webs. They're stuck together too. Yeah. That's kind of cool.

I feel like we can't. Like, things are trying to form, like, as they have been forming topographically, even that there's, like, this web stopping it. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. So it's like, maybe the gibbous man on that area has already, like. Created influence. Oh, yeah. Or he's locked it down. Uh huh. Yeah. Like, I do like that where the ethos of Dungeon World is draw maps, but leave blanks. Yeah. The blanks have been filled in and the map is being crunched down now by the gibbous man. Cool.

Where it's like, where we are and the awareness that we have of the world is so limited because he's already, like. Done so much. Yeah. Uh oh. Yeah. So sick. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Moving the map to the east to the right hand side of the map and the land starts to scroll but as you get like past wipe your hands before you scroll this thing is expensive sorry as you get past Penusia I was wiping them on my mouth on my mouth his mouth is just the outside of his mouth is wet all the time a lot of maple syrup as you start to scroll the map the pages shift to the east past Penusia you see a little label that says Tervor the homeland of Aquaria lands with names you don't recognize and as these new lands are becoming clear the pages start to because you said the high spear affects people within its reach so as we move further away from the high spear we can't recognize you you you you you you you you you you you the language written on the map.

Oh, cool. That makes sense, yeah. Yeah, and also, like, if the Gibbous Man has already enacted his, like, anti-magic plans in those zones, like, its influence wouldn't hit there. Yeah. And maybe that's starting to creep in, so there's, like, the principalities and things around the high spirit, like, that's the thing, is, like, we can't understand each other until we're right under the high spirit. At some point, you might be, like, the sphere is shrinking.

And it's, like, it makes sense, because, like, that guy, what was that guy's name again? What guy? From Turvor. Oh! Oh, the big guy? The guy from up north? Yeah, who worked at the Husky. Oleg? Oleg. Yeah. Oleg's accent was so thick, because he's from a town that's, like, on the border. Cool, right? Of the sphere. Yeah. So that was the field starting to break down? Yeah. His accent was becoming harder to understand? Yes. That's cool. Okay, that's cool. Yeah. Okay.

So, yeah, we see that the name Turvor, the land that Morris and Perel know Aquaria was born in, the words, which you should be able to easily read, are in, like, a strange written language that you don't recognize. So blocky. And Perel points at it and goes, that's weird. And as you get further to the east, the pages become, like, blackened and cracked. And sticky. And there's, like, a weird kind of, yeah, Icarus, like, resin on the pages, and the words become impossible to read.

Morris, your map is broken. And he goes, what? I need to update it. And you see, like, leaking into the edge of the pages, like, whiteout or white ink or it's, like, fibrous threads that look like spider webs. This is to give this man's influence. So you see that this blackened edge is, like, crawling across the book, across the map of the east. And Morris, like, pushes everybody out of the way and, like, puts his hands on the pages and starts moving the map.

And you see that there's, like, this, like, growing field along the edges of this atlas that are blackened and sticky and covered in this white fiber. And he suddenly just puts his hands under the table and the table begins to fold back up and he slams the book shut. What the fuck was that? I don't know. Could he see us through the book? I don't know. He's a god. How does this book work? I don't want to get into it. Literally, the thing that we would understand the least. Yeah.

But I think I know what the next step is. What is it? And he walks over to the fireplace and he throws it in the fire. No! Oh. My game! There'll be other games, boy. Okay. This, Gibbous Man, is everywhere. We have to be exceedingly careful from here on out. And Tuck looks at Dathaniel. And he looks up at you. Just the darkest bags under his eyes. How much of a handle do you have on what's going on in your head? I hope enough.

Do you think it would be possible to put the ring on my dad and go sit somewhere quietly and then do a communion of whispers with him? And see what's going on inside of him? Uh, yeah. That's an interesting idea. Yeah. Dathaniel, I have an idea. Yeah. Uh, we have these rings that let us see each other's minds and hear things. Would you come with me to a, a quiet space and, uh, and give me some, some time?

And Dathaniel nods and pushes himself up on his staff and follows you to, where are you going? Uh, the, one of the paper outdoor areas. Oh, yeah, near the baseball diamond or whatever? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. We're up in the stands eating hot dogs. Yeah. Oh, yeah. All of us gossip girls. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And Victor is doing that dog excited gallop where they don't like sprint, but they go like rocking back and forth as they run. I stole second, you idiot.

I'm stealing all of these bases and there's nothing you can do about it. Hey, bring back our bases. Never. They belong to Victor now. Oh, look, he's rounding third. And under a paper tree, Dathaniel lowers himself down and sits cross-legged. But like his face looks like it's pained as he moves his legs. What's the position that you're in? Are you guys like staring into each other's eyes or what?

No, we're both sitting on opposite sides of the paper tree with like one knee up and one leg straight looking out opposite directions. Oh, OK. Looks like the Kindle. OK, we put the rings on and I want to roll the move that I still have for sure. OK, good. Communion of Whispers. And Communion of Whispers is 2d6 plus wisdom plus wisdom plus wisdom spending time in a place. Papa's mind. Great. I got snake eyes. Wow. Fucking God. So you put the ring on Dathaniel's finger. I do.

And you begin this meditative reverie and you close your eyes and and and enter this liminal mental space and you see your father standing there hale and hearty like he was when you were a kid in a darkened wood. The shadows kind of flowing between the trees pooling almost. And you look at your father and he smiles but too wide. You look at his eyes and they don't quite meet yours and you're not sure where they're looking or if their eyes at all. You realize that's not your father.

They give his man. It's nice to see you again. You're gonna die. And he kind of smirks at you a little bit. You first. And then you are slammed back to reality. And Dathaniel like takes the ring off and throws it into the paper in front of him. I was gonna say grass, but there's no grass here. Throws it into the green paper grass in front of him. And like, I'm like, I'm gonna die. And like forces himself up on his staff. He's in my head. It's not safe for you to be around us. It's not.

I'm sorry. I have to go. Where are you gonna go? I don't know. But it can't be here. And yeah, Dathaniel is storming away. Is it, does anybody stop him? I mean, we're watching from above. Yeah, you see. So we're eating our hot dogs. You see Dathaniel get up from the tree and start storming. I mean, as much as he can in his weakened state across the field. Something happened. He's really mad. You don't have to run. This could be, this can be, you don't have to sacrifice yourself again.

This is something that we can all do together. He stops and he doesn't look at you because he's such a moody fuck. Well, and he's being like, shielding his eyes now. Yeah, he's not looking and he says, I'm not gonna get you killed. And he leaves. I let him. Yeah. When I was a young boy, my father. My father. He took me into the city. To see the marching band. I think we can. I don't know son, but it'll be soon. When you're coming home, dad, I don't know when. We'll be the Gibbous men.

We'll be the Gibbous men. Men. This is Vegas singing to himself. And the cat's in the cradle. And the cradle and the broke shattered moon. And then you. And then you. And then you got Billy and Tuck in his womb. And then you cut to Dathaniel who's walking through the hallways. And he's like, my boys just like me. Right, okay, what we see is a full musical number montage. This is amazing. Billy and Tuck are doing the side step. Yeah, in the stands.

And we see, you know what, let's just lean into the montage thing. We see Dathaniel go to his room and start packing a bag. Shit. Yeah, we see it because Billy is following, with the gossip girls. We're in the walls. That's the montage you guys watching him in the hallway. He's packing his bag. I always feel like somebody's watching me. And you cut to Tuck and he's like, I'm stuck. I'm stuck. I'm stuck. He just pushes a hole through the wall. I'm sorry. Oh my god. I got so freaked out.

I'm so sorry. I wrecked the wall. I was so fucking scared in there, man. And I think we can comfortably cut forward to Dathaniel's room. Empty of all personal affects. Broken and now abandoned physical recovery equipment. And sitting on the bed, Ving, holding something that your father left for you. It's a long strip of leather about half an inch wide and two feet long. Looks like it's supposed to be worn around the wrist wrapped several times.

And you realize that Dathaniel has been like wearing this. Ving noticed it wrapped around his fingers when he would draw his bow. Oh, yes. He would move it to different spots. He thought it was just his warring ranger strap. Yeah. And on the inside of the band you see written As root and soil I bind myself to you. Bear, wolf, and cub. Hmm. And Perel. You hear from a painting on the wall. Oh my god, it's so sad. And then you hear Shh.

You guys can come out here and share this moment with me in person, you know. You hear thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump thump. And then Morris walks by the open door and goes Oh, hello, Ving. Oh, hello, Morris. Ving, gang. We didn't see you there. We were busy doing something far away. What is this I see on your wrist? A gift from a love long lost perhaps? Or something else? Of great value. What could we know of such gifts left behind by ones with lips so full and thighs so thick?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Do you want this? No. No, it's yours. You keep it. But Tuck did consider taking it. He's like, thank you. Can I wear it at night? I'll wear it. Tuck leans in like in a weird way and then he goes. You smell my wristwatch? Oh, my God. And Perel. Perel walks forward and puts a hand on Ving's shoulder. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Right. I'm really. His dad just left. I'm really sorry. For what?

You get reconnected. Then it turns out that your father wasn't your father, but the malicious sky god that's trying to kill the whole world. Then you do get to reconnect with your father and it doesn't really go the way you want it to. And then he goes away. I get. I mean, yeah. I mean, I didn't really have an idea of how it was going to go. I was hoping for closure, but him leaving. And trying to fix things on his own. That makes sense. It feels like some sort of closure. I guess.

I don't know, man. It feels like it's the thing he was trying to do the whole time. He just keeps. He just has always been. Sacrifice himself. I think that's what made him such a hard warrior. I guess some people are. They only really know themselves. Through the oaths that they keep. And the duties that they have. And Morrison Perel look at Tuck. That was very apt. Are you feeling okay? And Tuck's like, I don't know. It feels like something's just. And there we go. There we go.

Inspiring me to be more. He's back to normal. Okay. Well, we're going to give you some. Peace. And they. Wait, I want. Yeah, I should have just a reaction. I like the idea that Bing says that. Wait, guys, I need to have. Let me just like sum up this moment here. Daddy. He gone. And everyone nods sagely and starts. You know what? I didn't. I didn't expect to feel like this. But I wish him all the best. Let's get out of here. We got places to go. Where are we going? You guys never decided.

We never did decide. So like, okay. Yeah. So if we went to high spear, like, I wonder if Perel and Morris would be able to like. Oh, like. Do some work to kind of bring back more of the arcane stuff. Like what? Oh, I want to know. The high spear creates like a magical cognitive field that blankets the whole world. Almost like a broadcasting. Yeah. It's like a broadcast tower. It's basically a radio tower. Yeah. That beams like a translation spell into everyone's head.

What if they use that infrastructure to try and collapse the pocket dimensions that all the wizards escaped into to cause them to come back in, which might bring magic back into the world. That's a great idea. Yeah. Or if they fail. Kill everybody. Every pocket dimension just crunches on the wizards. It's like flipping on the hydrant. The hydrant collider. Oh man. Is that something you. Oh, cause you guys don't. I like that plan. That's a very good. I think that's really cool. I like it.

I feel like we need it at this stage where it's like the gibbous man sounds like he's got people on his side. Yeah. We need. Yeah. And it's like, if it's just the three of us, like we don't really have magic like that. No. No, absolutely not. And I feel like we need it. Yeah. Well, yeah. And that was the whole, that was your whole plan. Like from when you met Maggie at Wickport, this was what your plan ended up being was get the wizards back to create a magical field. Yeah. Okay. I do like that.

I feel like that makes sense narratively for where we might be going. And then the war on the way where it's like two birds with one stone. If we fuck up the war and like the Princeps plans, like if we just kill the Princeps, then that also works. Yeah. Yeah. And then we can just go to the high spear and then try and do this magic thing. I think that could be a Perel and Morris thing too. Is like, you know, Hey guys, I bet he's going for the high spear. Oh yeah.

They like, I would think that would be what we're intuiting as players. They would tell us for sure. Yeah. Yeah. I look at like Morris and Perel, where do we go now? Oh, well the, I suppose if. We're going to pursue this war situation. Mm-hmm. We should probably know more about the war. Oh yeah. Yeah. The Princeps of the fire fields are attempting to invade. High spear. High spear. Yeah. High spear. And Perel goes high spear and they look at each other and go high spear.

And Morris goes, I can't believe we didn't think about this before. If the high spear is projecting a magical field over the planet and Perel cuts him off and goes, that might be a good idea. And they go, Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes.

It to step in the room with her eyes closed trying to get out of the room we'll just be out in the pool so the question perel says is we need to find the princeps is that where is that our goal do we find the princeps well yeah I guess do we go to the attacking do we go to like the black glass side of things and try to like destroy it from within or do we go to the high spear side of things and try and defend it like that feels like the two paths that we could take yeah is there a clear uh side that we are on between the two principalities well the princeps are with the gibbous man so we're on the opposite side yeah that is a good way to think about it those are sort of the two well I guess there's three ways to do it go to black glass and try and like infiltrate the city and try and figure out what's going on like politically or join the war effort man yeah like be like oh we're here to fight yeah oh we're mercenaries for hire right our fee is five five gold coins a day you gotta undercut the competition so we can get in we gotta get in plus per diem which is one brings us up to five brings us up to five all right we never have been paid to so we've never gotten a paycheck I'm still looking for dental yeah and then the other side is going to the high spear side and being able to fight the princeps and then we're going to the high spear side and being able to fight the princeps and then we're going to fight the princeps and then we're going to fight the princeps and then we're going to fight the princeps and like hey we're actually mercenaries for hire yeah and we will help you and we know what's coming let's drop perel and morris off at the tower yes that makes sense if they're working on that side yeah and then we go back to the fire fields yeah so you're you kind of do both things yeah like no no I I think that's a fine way to do like more drop morris and perel off the experts at the magic thing and let them deal with that yeah and then we go do the other side and try and so chaos and discord and the enemy and honestly that's totally our bailey with yeah we're so comfortable with this I feel like if we showed up and we were like hey high spear we can defend you they would put us in jail right away but if we show up on the other side and just try and fuck things up that's more what we're good at right that does make sense and if we learned anything when we were under the tree and also when we beat the shit out of that old lady which is that our skill set is just in creating a game of chess and we're like hey we're going to do this we're going to do this we're going to do this hopefully there's a bunch of animals that are being caged and we can convince them to riot and morris goes that actually makes perfect sense so here are the two choices and he holds his hands out before you come with us to the high spear a place of great magical ingenuity and spend days weeks maybe months trying to decode the best way to turn this ancient artifact to our benefit or the second one and that's where we're gonna end it for this week we don't high five a second hand yeah thank you for joining us everybody my name is Sean O'Hara I've been your game master joining me as always playing tacoma dome the barbarian Abdul Aziz so long playing ving the half elf druid Paul Oppers take care and playing fat billy the halfling thief jessica tie see you later thank you to aaron reed of vancouver sunday service for our intro and outro music if you would like to hear the music produced by aaron personally under aaron charles reed or acr you can find him at aaronreed.bandcamp.com and if you want to hear all the music produced for the show by aaron and written by abdul and myself you can find that at soundcloud.com and thank you to all of our supporters around the world without you this show would not be possible so if you want to support the show and gain access to a whole bunch of cool bonus content check us out at patreon.com slash Spout Lore or Spout Lore.com slash money please and thank you finally and most of all to you for listening we'll see you next time and so ends the tale of adventures three who tried the best they can though dumb and scared and lost they be for time's abreast in revelry and though our journey may be a conclusion we will We will not leave you without a resolution Return next week to hear some more Whilst you commute or do your chores And for you I'd gladly spout more